Category: Aftercare

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How to have better sex

— 3 things vanilla couples can learn from the kink community

By Serafina Kenny

  • A sexologist said her kinky clients do a lot more planning around sex than the vanilla ones.
  • Shamrya Howard told Insider non-kinky couples can learn a lot from those who are kinkier.
  • Tips include frequent communication and starting foreplay for the next round at the end of sex.

You might think that kinky sex is as spontaneous as it is unconventional. But a sexologist told Insider that her kinky clients do a lot more planning than those who are more vanilla when it comes to sex, and that groundwork pays off in a way that we could all benefit from.

Shamyra Howard, a licensed clinical social worker and AASECT-certified sex therapist, realized that it was her kinkier clients who tended to discuss and plan their sexual encounters, even though scheduling sex is commonly seen as a marker of a stale sex life, and that this made having sex easier and better.

Here are three things that Howard thinks the kink community does that could improve sex for non-kinky couples.

Scheduling time for sex

Kinky sex often requires some forward planning and organization, because it can involve other people, locations outside of the home, and specific equipment. For example, you might schedule a “playdate” or “play party” to have sex with another couple, or need a costume and a free house for roleplay.

Some couples might just engage in sexual play or a kink rather than any sex acts during this scheduled time, Howard said, which allows them to be intimate without the pressure of sex and helps “to keep each other warm, until it’s time to heat each other all the way up.”

This can in turn improve sex when it does happen, because it allows partners to prepare emotionally and physically, which can make sex more enjoyable, she said.

If scheduling sex sounds too formal, Howard previously told Insider that “erotic time zones” are a less rigid way of letting your partner know when you might be up for sex.

Practicing aftercare

Aftercare involves checking in with each other after sex or play to make sure everyone was comfortable, and attending to your partners’ needs so the experience has a fulfilling end. Kinky couples who practice things such as BDSM using ropes and whips might need to tend to cuts and bruises after sex too, or it might be necessary to have some affection and conversation to reset from a consensually aggressive scenario.

But any couple can benefit from aftercare, even if it’s just fetching the other person a heated blanket or tea if they like to feel warmth after sex, Howard said.

“Aftercare can be a game changer for couples who struggle with a desire discrepancy or couples who don’t feel as connected in their sexual relationship,” Howard said, referring to a mismatch in times when different partners want sex. This is because aftercare can help partners feel closer emotionally after sex, even if they haven’t been so connected outside of the bedroom.

Howard said: “Foreplay begins at the end of your last sexual encounter, so aftercare prepares you for your next sexual experience.”

‘Using your mouth’ to communicate more about sex

Kink culture is very hot on consent and communication — for example, safe words are used to signal when something is too rough and there can be strict rules around touching at play parties.

Howard said that her kinkier clients are often therefore much better at talking about sex. “They have to have more open communication because it’s built into the negotiation of their kinks,” she said.

Plus, you can easily incorporate discussing what you enjoyed into aftercare, to make sex better next time.

“Use your mouth,” Howard said, “figure out what your partner likes, whether that’s kinky or not. That’s going to be the key to having better sex.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to explore kink safely

— Whatever you’re into, here’s what you need to know…

By Alice Porter

If you’re looking to change up your sex life and try new things, you might be interested in exploring the world of kink. But whether you’re googling new kinks in a private browser or dipping your toe into something like BDSM with a partner, you might end up feeling a little overwhelmed.

And if your only introduction to kink is how it’s portrayed in the media (Fifty Shades of Grey, we’re looking at you), you might assume it’s all dungeons, ropes and floggers. Of course, this is the case for some people, but there’s so much more to kink than just latex and rough sex and there are plenty of ways to explore it that are safe and pleasurable.

With more people exploring kink than ever – Feeld, the kinky dating app, saw a 250% rise in users between 2021 and 2022 – it’s worth knowing your safe words from your scene acronyms.

If you’re new to kink, you’re likely discovering lots of ideas that are new to you. This is exciting and you might just be about to open yourself up to a whole new world of pleasure. But there are a few things to keep in mind to ensure you and your partner(s) are safe as you step into a wonderful new world.

But listen, kink isn’t for everyone and it’s not something you should be pressured into by either society or a sexual partner. Sometimes good old back to basics sex is great. There’s a reason vanilla is everyone’s favourite flavour.

What is kink?

Kink refers to a wide range of sexual interests and activities, but it’s generally defined as a sexual activity or interest that society, generally, might consider unconventional. This includes things like roleplay, outdoor sex and power dynamics like Dom/Sub play, praise and degradation and cuckolding (watching your partner have sex with someone else).

You might have also heard of fetishes, which are slightly different, as they tend to involve attractions to very specific non-sexual things, like an inanimate object or a body part, such as feet. It’s important not to get kink and fetish confused because a fetish is a very specific sexual proclivity whereas kinks are much more common, although there are plenty of overlaps.

The most common kink you’ve probably heard of is BDSM, which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. It’s a catch-all term for lots of different types of relationships, dynamics and experiences, that often involve practices like choking, spanking and other elements of rough sex, if both partners consent to this. But many elements of BDSM are purely psychological, involving relationships where one person is sexually dominant and the other is sexually submissive.

Are BDSM and rough sex the same thing?

Rough sex isn’t necessarily BDSM and if rough sex is your kink, that doesn’t mean you’ll naturally be into chains and whips or psychological games and control. Rough sex tends to refer to sexual experiences that incorporate elements of pain or intensity for the purpose of pleasure. Of course, elements of rough sex are often part of BDSM practices and relationships, but they don’t have to be.

“Interestingly for many, BDSM doesn’t always include rough sex, but for some that enjoy combining rough sex with BDSM, there may be a mixture of consensual sadomasochism and power play dynamics happening,” explains Ness Cooper, a therapist and resident sexologist for sex toy company Jejoue. “Within some Dom and sub relationships, the individuals involved don’t explore sadomasochism at all and more see it as a form of relationship structure built around care, such as service submission or female led relationships,” Cooper continues.

Sometimes, simply knowing that you’re submissive or dominant to your partner is enough to turn you on and there are plenty of ways to show this that don’t involve physical domination. What matters is that you know your limits and how far you’re willing to give up control or be controlled, in and out of the bedroom.

“For some BDSM is a way of forming relationship routines and rituals, and this doesn’t have to include roughness or pain,” Cooper adds. “Rather these individuals may thrive from having a structured relationship that a heteronormative vanilla non-BDSM relationship structure doesn’t offer.”

How to stay safe when exploring kink

Kinks vary a lot and some kinks are riskier than others. For example, if your kink is wearing a particular type of outfit and engaging in gentle roleplay, there may be less of a physical risk than if your kink is being spanked with a paddle. Either way, there are a few things to keep in mind to make sure your experience of exploring kink is safe, sane and consensual.

1. Have a proper conversation about consent

It’s crucial that you take the time to talk about consent with a new partner and ensure you keep having these conversations on a regular basis, particularly if you’re experimenting with more unusual kinks or BDSM.

This might also include specifying what you like and dislike, which could change over time. “If you’re exploring any forms of rough play, chat about areas that you’re ok with being marked,” Cooper recommends. “Talk about consent and explore consent models that may work for your relationship dynamic,” she adds. There are a couple of consent models to consider, including FRIES and RACK. FRIES stands for consent that is Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic and Specific. Apply this checklist when discussing what you do and don’t consent to. Or use RACK, which stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink when you’re discussing the possible outcomes of what you’re about to do. Do some research on consent to help facilitate your conversations and figure out what works for you.

2. Take things slowly

Just because you’re experimenting with kinky sex, that doesn’t mean you need to jump right in at the deep end and passion in the heat of the moment doesn’t excuse rushing in and not giving or getting consent. It can be exciting trying something new, especially if the idea of it turns you on, but your body and your brain will need time to adjust so don’t go steaming in.

“If you’re exploring BDSM with someone for the first time, including sex may be too much all at once and may result in some individuals crashing quickly during the experience,” says Cooper. “Taking things slowly and breaking things up into micro BDSM sessions [where you don’t actually have sex] may be easier at first until you’re both used to how each other’s bodies react.”

When it comes to other kinks and fetishes, you don’t have to dedicate a whole evening to them. There are ways you can incorporate them into the type of sex you usually have, easing yourself and your partner(s) in with little tasters here and there.

3. Keep things clean

If your kinks involve any types of prop or toy, remember the importance of hygiene. Taking your toys to the sink after hours of hot sex isn’t the hottest part of sex, but it’s definitely worth doing in order to avoid infections and things like thrush.

Looking after yourself as well as your toys is also important, explains Cooper. “Cleaning any areas that may have consensual marks before and after is important to avoid infection and making sure you disinfect items such as spanking paddles can help reduce any future risks,” Cooper adds.

4. Use safe words

A safe word is a term or phrase that signifies that one partner wants whatever is happening to stop. Choose one with your partner(s) and agree on what it means to you. For example, does it mean you simply want to stop the specific thing that is happening and move on to something else, or do you want to take a break from the scene altogether? Many people use the traffic light system – red, amber, green – so there’s a way to signify both of these things.

“Keeping safe words simple and accessible is important and talking through them before BDSM play is important,” Cooper says.

5. Remember aftercare

One of the most important parts of exploring a kink is aftercare. This is the part post-sex where you check in with your partner, talk about what just happened, what you enjoyed and what you didn’t enjoy and what you’d do differently next time. After sex, especially doing something kinky or new, it’s normal to feel vulnerable, so take this opportunity to show each other care and support.

If you’ve had some intense moments in your play session, ease each other down off the adrenaline high with soothing cuddles, massages and anything that makes you both feel good. Aftercare can be as simple as a shower together and a cup of tea.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Sexual Aftercare is Just as Important as Sex

By Aliyah Moore

If you’ve ever heard someone say their sex life is subpar, chances are a lack of foreplay is on their list of complaints. This gripe is so common that most of us treat it as fact — consistently skipping foreplay leads to consistently disappointing sex.

What we rarely talk about, however, is what comes after sex, and it’s arguably even more critical than foreplay. The way we behave post-intercourse affects our sexual health, how we feel, how we value ourselves, and how we view sex.

What is Sexual Aftercare?

Just as foreplay deals with the way we treat each other before sex, aftercare is about how we treat each other when sex is over. It encompasses a wide range of activities that involve your body and mind.

Hygiene and Self-Care

You’ve heard it before, and you’ll hear it again: pee after sex! This is the easiest and most common example of postcoital hygienic self-care. Peeing after sex can help prevent infections or irritation in your genitals.

Do you or your partner take any medications? Setting the alarm or reminding each other to take them after sex, if needed, is aftercare. Anything that promotes your overall health and comfort is usually a good idea, such as a glass of water or a hot shower.

A hot cup of tea or a greasy order of takeout can help your bodied replenish nutrients. If you’re the kind of person who’s very active during sex, you may want to soothe your muscles by stretching, trading massages with your partner, or simply cuddling together for a while.

You might be noticing a theme here; aftercare is about you and your partner taking care of each other. It doesn’t matter if it’s casual sex, a new relationship, or your spouse of many years; your experience will always be more positive when you express intimacy and care, even if you don’t plan on staying together.

Intimacy and Emotional Well-Being

The human mind is an enigma, so it’s never easy to tell what your partner – or even yourself – needs after sex. Some of us naturally want distance, while others want to be closer. Some need the validation of physical touch and conversation, while others feel overwhelmed by intimacy and just need to spend ten minutes alone on their phone.

As long as it doesn’t hurt your partner, there’s no wrong answer; that’s why communication is so important. If you’ve been with your partner a while, they might already know what you need after sex and be ready to provide. If they’re a newer partner, you may need to learn what they need while expressing what you need.

So tell them and ask them what. It’s okay to say that you want to cuddle or that you need space. It’s okay to balance your needs with theirs. At some point, most of us will experience Post-Coital Dysphoria (PCD), which hits us with a tide of sadness, irritability, or even tears after sex. If this happens, it’s okay! Let your partner know what’s going on and that it’s not their fault. If they’re experiencing PCD, let them know it’s okay and ask what they need.

Most of all, though, be cognizant and considerate of both your emotions. Treat each other as attentively and kindly as you did before sex.

Why Aftercare Matters

Whether we like it or not, sex is an experience that triggers some kind of emotion and connection in most of us. Even the partners who run for the door when it’s over aren’t necessarily feeling nothing; rather, they’re cautious about what they might feel.

That’s okay, and to each their own, but sex is inherently intimate. When we treat each other with care and consideration after sex, we build on that intimacy. In a relationship, this brings two people closer together and positively associates sex with feelings of nurture and love.

Even after casual sex, good aftercare reaffirms both partners’ inherent value as people. In simpler terms, it reminds us that we deserve to be treated well even when no one wants something from us. This not only boosts our self-esteem but it reinforces positive behaviors that make us better lovers and better people.

On the other hand, ditching aftercare can make both partners feel the opposite. It’s common for people who neglect aftercare to feel used, and their self-esteem might take a hit too. In long-term relationships, this can give one or both partners negative feelings toward sex. This, in turn, might make them lose interest in sex, which often causes other problems in a relationship.

In terms of hygiene, people who don’t pee or clean themselves after sex are more likely to suffer from infections or deal with irritation in or around their genitals. No one wants that.

So why is aftercare so important? It keeps your body healthy and your sexual experience positive. In a relationship, it enhances your intimacy and, in any scenario, it reminds you that as a human in any situation, your partner is worth taking care of — and so are you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A beginner’s guide to impact play

— For when chains and whips excite you.

By Gigi Engle

Impact play is an umbrella term for all things sexual involving hitting or being hit with an object in a safe and consensual way. Impact play “can [involve] hitting, punching, or slapping, but you can also get creative like [being] pummeled with fists, alternating different strokes or slaps,” explains Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist. You can also use equipment other than your hands, such as paddles, whips, floggers, or something you find around the house.

Is your interest piqued? Would you say that chains and whips excite you? (Sorry.)

Impact play is one of the cornerstone practices in the BDSM community. But it’s not just for dungeons. Impact play can be used by anyone. The key is doing it safely.

Impact play encompasses getting hit with things, or hitting a partner with objects, as a way to heighten sexual arousal and up the ante on Dom/sub power dynamics.

Misinformation about BDSM and impact play, among other kink practices, is rife on TikTok. It’s important, therefore, to get your kink education from reputable sources. Mashable spoke to kink educators about impact play to get the lowdown on how to practice it safely.

If you’re interested in learning how to be an expert with a whip, flogger, or crop, or just feel like that booty deserves a (very consensual) hiding, look no further. Let’s immerse ourselves into the seductive universe of impact play and all that it involves.

What is impact play?

If it’s not clear by now, impact play is using objects (or hands, etc.) to hit or be hit. But this is just the tip of the iceberg. It might sound pretty straightforward, but impact play is nothing short of an art (when done correctly and safely).

This modality within the BDSM community offers a Dominant and submissive partner the chance to explore tactile sensation, pain play, and physical endurance. Plus, it just feels really, really good.

Here are some examples of impact play:

  • Flogging.
  • Paddling.
  • Caning.
  • Spanking (with hands or tools).
  • Using a crop.

There are plenty more ways to enthusiastically smack someone around. You can get really creative with it.

The importance of safety and consent.

There is absolutely nothing more important in impact play (and all play) than safety and consent. Each scene that involves impact play needs to be highly negotiated between partners. We’re talking about literally hitting people with objects.
Sure, it’s fun, but it is NO joke. Dr. Celina Criss, a certified sex coach specializing in BDSM and GSRD, explainsL “BDSM players of any type need to understand the risks inherent to the play they want to engage in: physical, mental, and emotional.” “Experienced players have typically studied their activity of choice, the anatomy involved, first aid care for when things go wrong, and are practiced in communicating throughout the play.”

Communication is so, so key. “Don’t ever attempt to start hitting or striking your partner during play or during sex without communicating beforehand, it can put them into a threat response,” Rowett says. This can be highly traumatic. Sorry to have to say this to y’all, but hitting someone without their consent is straight up domestic violence.

Don’t rush into this kind of play.

The safety and consent checklist:

  1. Do your homework. You need to know which parts of the body are safe to hit and which aren’t.
  2. Practice makes perfect. Both partners need to be fully aware of the risks involved in their chosen activities as well as the skill needed to perform them well.
  3. Thoroughly discuss the scene: What are your boundaries? Do you have a safe word? What tools will you be using?
  4. Have an aftercare plan in place to ensure both partners have time and space to emotionally “come down.”
  5. Check in regularly throughout the scene to be sure everyone is enjoying themselves.

Things to avoid during impact play.

“There are no prizes for being the kinkiest or toughest player in the dungeon, especially if you’re just starting out,” Criss says. Don’t rush into this kind of play. You need to have patience, go slowly, and be willing to experiment. If you rush in, you might end up getting injured or injuring someone. This will lead you to miss out on a whole lot of fun.

You want to stay away from the lower back literally always. Hitting this area can cause kidney damage. The stomach is also a very sensitive area and should be avoided unless the impact is very light. You also want to stay away from any joints, the neck, or any injuries or body parts that experience chronic pain.

When in doubt: The squishy bits are best. Think: Booty, legs, breasts, and arms.

When in doubt: The squishy bits are best. Think: Booty, legs, breasts, and arms.
After figuring out the where, figure out the how. The kind of pressure and intensity you want to feel is key to enjoying the experience. Do you enjoy stingy, lighter sensations? Do you prefer a deeper, thuddier sensation? This might take some time, practice, and patience to figure out. Experimenting is totally OK as long as everyone is following the safety plan.

You’ll also want to chat through marks on your body. Are you OK with bruises? Definitely not down for that? Be open, thorough, and communicate.

How to get started.

First of all, if you’re a novice, the best place to start is with spanking, either using a hand, riding crop, or a ruler. You could also use a plastic spatula or a wooden spoon. We have so many great items available at home and we love that for us. “Go slow when you’re starting out,” Criss tells us. “Agree to try one or two things for a short period of time and debrief with your partner after: what worked, what didn’t, and what you’d like more of.” You want to co-create a foundation and then go from there.

Start with the butt. It’s meatier and you have less of a risk of bruising. Always check in with your partner and be sure they are comfortable and enjoying the experience. “Using a flat hand, get started with light spanking on the outer middle quadrant of the glute,” Chiaramonte explains. “Play with the intensity of how hard you (and your partner) can handle giving and receiving.”

If you decide you enjoy playing with impact, you can always invest in specialty gear. “A beginners BDSM kit may come with mini versions of things like paddles, floggers, and crops/canes,” Chiaramonte adds.

And don’t forget: COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE.

Don’t forget: COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE.

Why impact play is so appealing.

It makes sense why people would love this, from a neurobiological perspective. The same areas of the brain light up when you feel pain as when you feel pleasure. Our nervous systems are incredibly intricate. When we feel pain, our central nervous system releases endorphins. These hormones are designed to stop pain. When we experience this rush of endorphins, it can lead to pleasure, causing a dizzying euphoria.

Some people are just really, really into pain. People who enjoy pain for sexual pleasure are called masochists – and they make up the “M” in BDSM. “Aside from the sensation, [impact play] is a magnificent tool to reinforce kinks/BDSM dynamics like dom/sub as tools for ‘punishment’ or ‘reward,” says Julieta Chiaramonte, a kink instructor, writer, and sex expert.

There is a caveat here that we need to clarify: Not all impact play is pain play.

Words like spanking, flogging, or caning “might sound violent, but they don’t have to be,” says Criss. “Players will vary their strikes to achieve the desired effect, ranging from soft and gentle to firm to stingy.” Some people enjoy an impact that gives them deep sensation without going into the realm of pain. They are into the tactile sensation and the power dynamics. However you enjoy your impact, it’s totally valid.

OK, kinksters! Are you feeling prepared to get your spank on? Go forth and prosper!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Your Complete Beginner’s Guide to BDSM

— Allow us to show you the ropes (pun intended).

By Gigi Engle

Get out the whips, chains, and leather corsets, because we are getting down and dirty with BDSM today. For kink newbies, BDSM might seem intimidating, which makes complete sense—it’s a practice that can include a lot of high intensity activities. But don’t worry, it really is an accessible kink that can be practiced safely, provided you and your partners know your stuff. Which, hi, is where we come in.

There’s obviously a lot of stuff on the internet about kink, but a no-frills guide for beginners is hard to come by. If you’ve been wanting to get into BDSM but don’t know where to start, you’ve come to the right place.

According to a 2017 study published in the research journal PLOS ONE, a lot of people are into kinky sex. The study found that of the participants surveyed, about 20 percent said they have tied up a partner or been tied up during sex. About 15 percent said they have playfully whipped a partner or been playfully whipped as a part of sex play, and 33 percent reported they have spanked a partner or have been spanked during sex. So yeah, people are into this stuff big time.

“People like BDSM because it’s psychologically and physically thrilling, pleasurable, and fulfills needs, just like any typical sexual act would,” says Julieta Chiaramonte, a kink instructor and sex expert. “Why would you like [to have] orgasms? Well, because they feel good! Same goes for BDSM.”

But for all the hype, it’s important to be aware that BDSM needs to be practiced with extreme caution—especially for beginners. This kink comes with risks, and understanding them (and how to mitigate them) is fundamental to engaging in play that is safe, fun, and consensual.

So, without further ado, here is everything you need to know about BDSM as a beginner. We’ve all gotta start somewhere, so congrats on starting here.

What Is BDSM?

BDSM is a specific kind of play that falls under the broader umbrella term of kink. Kink can involve a much larger range of activities, whereas BDSM focuses specifically on dynamics within Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/submission, and Sadism/Masochism—which, you guessed it, is what BDSM stands for.

“BDSM encompasses a wide variety of practices involving intentional play with power dynamics and intense sensations,” says Celina Criss, PhD, a certified sex coach specializing in BDSM and GSRD (Gender, Sexual and Relationship Diversity). “It is often understood to include role play, fetish, and other practices that aren’t considered ‘typical.’”

BDSM can be physical, emotional, and psychological. Play can include sex, but it doesn’t have to include sex.

What Does BDSM Play Look Like?

BDSM relationships involve a Dominant partner(s) and submissive partner(s). This is known as a D/s relationship. The sub willingly and consensually gives up power to the Dom during the play (often referred to as a “scene”). Scenes are co-created between the Dom and sub, and can include a wide variety of different acts.

BDSM play can look like:

  1. Spanking/Impact play: Using implements and hands to spank/whip/flog your partner.
  2. Bondage: The use of ropes, cuffs, and other restraints.
  3. Discipline: Where the Dom disciplines the sub.
  4. Humiliation: Using certain words or behaviors to consensually degrade the sub.
  5. Worship: Where the sub engages in worship of their Dom.
  6. Sensory play: Engaging or restricting the senses to intensify arousal.
  7. Various role play dynamics (Caregiver/little, Pet Owner/pet, Master/slave, etc.)

…And much, much more. BDSM play can really include anything within the realm of consensual power exchange, and that’s what makes it so thrilling.

Why Are People Into BDSM?

At its core, BDSM is all about the giving and receiving of control. When we engage in high-intensity activities like pain-play and bondage, our brains release chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline, and cortisol. The rush can be euphoric, explains sexologist Ness Cooper, a sex and relationships therapist.

Adrenaline is the hormone released when our bodies experience a “fight or flight” response. This happens when our brains and bodies perceive that we are in danger. “Pain and pleasure are closely related and processed in the same parts of the brain, meaning that those [who are] into receiving consensual pain can feel pleasure from these BDSM acts,” Cooper says. (Studies confirm this, BTW.)

That said, BDSM is about more than just spankings, chains, and pleasure by way of pain. A large part of its appeal can actually be, dare we say, downright wholesome?

“BDSM is about playfulness, expression, and exploration,” Criss says. It’s an “opportunity to explore your desires and embrace parts of yourself that might not have another socially accepted outlet.” BDSM play offers a place for us to explore our most taboo desires. It’s a safe space to enjoy our sexuality and release shame, which can be liberating on multiple levels.

Emotionally, engaging in these activities can also foster intimacy between partners, as there’s a huge amount of vulnerability and trust involved in the consensual exchange of control.

Breaking Down the Misconceptions About BDSM

It’s no secret that we live in a pretty sex-negative culture. We constantly receive messages that sex is dirty and bad. And when it comes to sex that falls outside of the socially prescribed, exhaustingly heteronormative framework—well, let’s just say there’s an actual eff-load of misinformation to weed through.

Let’s unpack some of the misunderstandings that people have about BDSM, because being armed with (actually useful!) information can make play much more accessible, pleasurable, and less intimidating.

Only traumatized people are into BDSM

Allow us to be very clear: There is nothing wrong with you if you want to try BDSM. According to a 2008 study, those who engage in this kind of play are no more “depraved” or psychologically “damaged” than anyone else. “The notion that only traumatized people like BDSM is harmful,” Chiaramonte says. “BDSM is a very normal human behavior.” Kink is fun, lots of people enjoy it. It’s simply not that deep.

BDSM is domestic abuse/intimate partner violence

God, this one gets thrown around so much it is truly unreal. BDSM is all about consent, boundaries, and positive intent—sooo, pretty much the exact opposite of abuse.

“Partners negotiate their boundaries and agree to what they are going to do before they do it,” Criss explains. While accidents may happen (because, hello, we’re all humans capable of making mistakes), there is no intent to cause harm or injury to a partner in BDSM.

“Responsible partners have safety protocols in place to prevent this from happening before, during, [and] after any scene,” says Criss. “This means they know what they’re doing and [are aware of] the risks involved. They’ve practiced, learned about anatomy and physiology, keep their first-aid skills up to date, use safe words, and know what sort of aftercare their partner needs.”

You must like pain to enjoy BDSM

“Almost all BDSM can be modified to be done without experiencing any pain at all,” says Chiaramonte. BDSM is about power play dynamics. While pain can be a part of it, it really doesn’t have to be. For example, you might enjoy being blindfolded and having a feather run all over your body by your Dom. It’s not painful, but it’s still BDSM.

What’s more, Criss says that pain isn’t a useful metric in BDSM, and that most practitioners don’t even measure sensation this way. Rather, intensity is a more accurate way of thinking about the BDSM experience. That intense sensation “could be thuddy, stingy, or even feather-light,” says Criss.

BDSM is a fetish

BDSM refers to a variety of sex acts and practices that fall under the broader kink umbrella. A fetish is a specific act or object that a fetishist must engage with during sex in order to be aroused or reach peak arousal state. You might have a fetish for a specific act that falls under the category of BDSM (such as spanking or bondage), but BDSM is a wider range of behaviors, not a fetish in and of itself.

How to Have a Conversation With Your Partner About Wanting to Try BDSM

These conversations can be emotionally fraught and intimidating, but have no fear! Introducing the idea of kink to a partner does not have to be scary. Obviously, how you initiate this convo will depend on your relationship and how comfortable you and your partner(s) are with talking about sex, but here are some general guidelines that should help things go smoothly.

First of all, you’re going to want to have this conversation in a neutral, non-sexual place. This isn’t something you should spring on someone in the middle of sex, or even during foreplay, as your partner may feel pressured. Rather, opt for a time when you’re both relaxed, maybe while lounging at home watching TV or enjoying a nice dinner together.

Chiaramonte says to approach BDSM as a point of interest, something you can unpack together, conversationally. “Something along the lines of ‘I saw/heard of this, and it sounds interesting. I would love to try it. Can we talk about it?’” she suggests.

Encourage your partner to bring their fantasies to the table, too. “An essential part of BDSM is being able to have neutral and honest conversations around our desires,” says Chiaramonte.

Also! It’s okay to acknowledge that these conversations can be a little awkward—and doing so might actually help relieve some of that uncomfy-ness.

How to Start Practicing BDSM as a Beginner

So you’ve had the talk, and now it’s time to get into the good stuff. Here are some ways to start actually dipping those toes into the wide world of BDSM.

Do your research

If a certain BDSM act has piqued your interest, learn all you can about it. Being able to engage with play safely means expanding your knowledge of all it entails. “Curious about shibari and suspension bondage? Take a class! If you’re interested in Florentine flogging, find someone who does this and ask them to show you how,” Criss says. “Learn about the body. Anatomy, physiology, and first aid are essential to make sure you don’t hurt your partner.”

Communicate, communicate, communicate

BDSM can be quite complex and risky, which means every scene needs to be thoroughly negotiated and talked through with partners. “You need to know your own boundaries and respect your partner’s boundaries,” Criss says. This means that we need to be aware of everyone’s limits and work within their confines for the duration of play.

Go shopping for some goodies

Shopping for sex toys together can help you and your partner(s) explore and discuss certain acts or scenes you might be interested in trying out in a fun, lower-pressure environment, says Cooper. It’s a chance to co-create an erotic adventure with your partner, one that can make a potentially intimidating experience feel more playful.

Live by the RACK

In the BDSM world, RACK, which stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink, is king. “In short, this structure explains that safe kink can only be practiced with consent, education, and understanding [of] the risks,” says Chiaramonte. The idea of RACK is not to eliminate all risks (that’s not possible, FYI), but to ensure all parties involved in a particular sex act are aware of the risks and give their informed consent to engage.

Choose a safe word

Safe words are non-sexual words that indicate a boundary has been reached during play. If you’re new to BDSM, you might not know a boundary until you come into contact with it, so it’s important to make communicating those boundaries as easy as possible. “An easy-to-use word can let your play partner know that you’ve reached your limit and need a break from that particular form of erotic play,” says Cooper.

A traffic light system (“red” = stop; “yellow” = proceed with caution; “green” = go), is a common and convenient safe-word option. Some other examples that you can consider yours for the taking right this way.

Start slow

“A lot of people start with blindfolds, light bondage, or a little bit of spanking,” says Criss.< Don’t dive right into the deep end with more extreme practices like breath play, rope play, or other forms of edge play. Many of these more advanced acts require a significant degree of skill and training to practice safely.

Find your people

You can learn a lot about kink by, well, connecting with other kinky people. You might be able to find local kink communities and educators near you to mingle with at events like a “Munch,” aka a casual gathering of kinksters to talk and get to know one another. “BDSM practitioners tend to be into education and community. If there is a group near you, they’re probably hosting play parties, workshops, and mentoring newcomers,” says Criss.

Practice aftercare

BDSM can involve a lot of intense emotions, which means there can be a bit of a “crash” after play. Aftercare is the set of actions we engage in post-play to help everyone return to a state of equilibrium. It can “help ground you after a heady mix of feel-good hormones,” says Cooper

This can include kisses, cuddles, talking about the scene, having a shower together, or tending to bruises or scrapes. You and your partner should discuss the kind of aftercare both of you feel you need and be willing to accommodate those needs accordingly.

If this all seems like kind of a lot, that’s because it is! There is so much to know about BDSM, and getting informed is a crucial first step for anyone interested in exploring the kinkier side of the street. That said, it’s supposed to be fun, and learning and exploring all there is to learn and explore about BDSM is all part of that fun. Wherever you are in your BDSM journey, trust that there is a lot of fun to be had in your future. Go forth and get kinky, my friends.

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A beginner’s guide to understanding Dom/sub dynamics

— Want to try kink but don’t know where to start?

By Gigi Engle

If you’ve been wanting to try kink but aren’t sure where to start, you’ve come to the right place.

There are hundreds (probably thousands) of guides out there to kink, but they often don’t focus on the building blocks of healthy kink relationships.

We need to walk before we can run, you know?

Enter the foundational layer of kink: The Dom/sub dynamic, or D/s. “Dominance and submission is the general container for almost all kinks,” explains Julieta Chiaramonte(Opens in a new window), a kink instructor, writer, and sex expert.

Understanding what the Dom/sub dynamic is, how it functions, and how to negotiate around it in your own relationship(s) is key to creating the kinky sex life of your dreams. It is the base layer. It is the fundamental configuration of role play.

Once you have a solid grasp on D/s, the rest — the whips, chains, blindfolds, sitting in Jell-O, using fake blood, etc. —can be built on top. We’re not here to yuck anyone else’s yum when it comes to your kinks, but we do want you to be confident in how to act on them.

Here’s everything you need to know.

What the Dom/sub dynamic actually is.

While Dom/sub dynamics are primarily found in kink, they actually play out in most forms of sex. One person is usually the more submissive partner, while the other is more dominant. But within the context of BDSM, these dynamics become even more explicit. BDSM stands for bondage, Dominance/Dominant, submissive/submission, and sadomasochism. This is when two or more people engage in consensual power exchange. The sub willingly hands over the power within the scene to the Dominant.

The key word here is “consent.”

“BDSM provides a framework for individuals to engage in [this] consensual power exchange,” says Dr. Nazanin Moali(Opens in a new window), a sex therapist and the host of the Sexology podcast.

The key word here is “consent.” Kink is all about giving and taking power in an empowered way. “Since consent is the cornerstone of these practices, it provides an opportunity to ensure [that] the person surrendering control and the person in charge stay within the sexual boundaries they’ve set,” Moali adds.

How D/s can play out in BDSM scenes.

D/s dynamics will play out in every kinky scenario, because it is the core of the practice. But how it shows up is another story. This is one of the things that makes kink so appealing. You can completely customize an experience to cater to your specific interests.

Some examples of Dom/sub relationships:

  • A classic D/s bondage scene: The Dom acts as a master over the submissive. This usually entails punishment, sensory play, etc. Think: 50 Shades of Gray, but not shit.
  • A caretaking scene: The Dom “takes care” of the sub. The sub is called a Little in this dynamic.
  • A Dom/brat scene: The sub is a “brat” and purposely “disobeys” the Dom in order to receive punishments.
  • A Master/pet: The Dom is a pet-owner and the sub is the pet.

There is a common misconception that Dom/sub dynamics are inherently pain-focused or violent. This just isn’t true.

Chiaramonte explains that the paddles, crops, and ropes are about deepening the bond between the Dom and their sub. “A Dom may consensually practice bondage with their submissive to deepen their power practice,” she explains. “Bondage in this scenario can be used as a punishment, a reward, or a sensory experience to show who’s boss in a safe way.”

There is a common misconception that Dom/sub dynamics are inherently pain-focused or violent. This just isn’t true.

But nurturing a Dom/sub dynamics is not entirely relegated to the sphere of pain play. Kink can involve sensory play, elaborate pain-free role play, and much more. These scenes are made by the two or more people playing them out. It is a unique and fully bespoke experience.

Negotiating boundaries within a Dom/sub dynamic.

The sub is not under the Dominant’s coercive control. They are an equal member in the power exchange. That means that BDSM and kink and are all about negotiation. “The discussion you have before play is the place to express boundaries you both have, your expectations, and to set the stage for consent,” Chiaramonte says. “This helps create healthy boundaries before entering a dynamic.”

Moali says that while you should be “sure you have a ‘safe word’ that you may use during the scene to immediately halt any actions, it is [also] important to have periodic conversations about your boundaries.” When you’re new to BDSM, you may not be entirely sure of every boundary you have. Feeling like you’re safe to explore edges with the ability to say “no” when something isn’t right is key.

Do not go forward in a situation without having a conversation first. While all boundaries and scenes are negotiated, the Dom takes on a lot of responsibility within this dynamic. They are responsible for the sub’s safety — both mentally and physically. If you’re taking on a Dom role, you need to be extra-aware of the care you need to take to ensure the sub’s boundaries are respected. As a Dom, you have been given the reins to control the scene. And this shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Do not go forward in a situation without having a conversation first, Chiaramonte says. “If someone asks to play before setting any sort of negotiation and boundaries, [that’s a] red flag,” she explains.

This does not mean that the sub does not have power. Everything is highly negotiated and supplemented by the use of a safe word. A safe word is a non-sexual agreed upon word or phrase that indicates the sub has reached their limit. Once a safe word is invoked, the play stops – either entirely or for a break.

The importance of aftercare post-kink play.

BDSM and kink scenes come with the need for a great deal of concentration, a lot of emotional intensity, and physical requirements (such as dealing with pain, tying knots, etc.). “When we get deep into sub-space or dom-space, we experience a high nearly identical to that of drugs: We’re stimulated, [have] heightened emotions, and can feel in another dimension,” Chiaramonte tells us.

Subspace has been described as similar to a deep meditative state — which research shows(Opens in a new window) can feel incredibly therapeutic and has lots of psychological benefits. But because this meditative state in kink can be highly emotive, we need to take post-play into consideration. You need to take some time to “come down” from the scene.

This is where aftercare comes in.

Aftercare is when the Dom and sub have some connection time. This can look like cuddling, bringing the sub a glass of water, talking through the scene, and much more. As with boundary negotiation, you’ll need to take time to figure out what kind of aftercare you and your partner(s) need.

Aftercare is crucial when doing BDSM because it allows us to return to a state of equilibrium and calm after particularly intense scenes. “Engaging in aftercare fosters a sense of trust as well as providing a sense of connection,” Moali says.

Aftercare isn’t always just the Dom taking care of the sub. Sometimes the Dom has big post-scene emotions as well. We all need care after emotionally complex experiences; having empathy for that can make your kink experiences so much better.

Learning new dynamics is rewarding.

The D/s dynamics in kink (and all sex) can be incredibly rewarding and offer an enriching way to view your sexuality and sexual experiences. Taking time to fully grasp the complexity and nuance associated with the roles we play in sex offers us greater insight into who we are as humans.

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Closing the curtain

— The importance of aftercare post-sex

By Lily Thomas

Like a play, sex has a beginning, a middle and an end. The end of sex is called aftercare, and it involves sexual partners checking in and supporting each other’s needs.

Though aftercare originated in the BDSM and kink community, it can be a part of all sexual experiences.

Rachel Zar, licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist, said sex is not a complete experience unless there is aftercare involved.

“Because the physical intimacy of sex is just as important as the emotional intimacy of sex, aftercare helps us to deal with any emotions that come up, to counter any sexual shame that there may be, to ground ourselves if we’re feeling any post-coital dysphoria (PCD), and to increase our feeling of connection with our partner.”

During sex, several hormones, such as dopamine, are heightened. When the sexual experience ends, however, Zar said oftentimes people experience a crash, which can manifest into PCD.

PCD causes negative emotions like sadness and anxiety after a consensual sexual experience. According to a study by the National Center for Biotechnology, 46% of respondents experienced PCD symptoms at least once.

“If you just had sex with this person and immediately after sex ends, they just roll over and start to do something else, it’s almost like they’re abandoning the moment, like they’re not really present with you,” Zar said. “They’re not helping you transition and you’re not helping them transition from this playful space back into reality, and that’s what’s really important.”

Zar said aftercare can be a variety of things, including: cuddling, kissing, having a snack, rehydrating, watching a movie together, showering, taking care of any injuries, or even having a simple conversation.

First-year Jamie Davis, whose major is undecided, believes there is a lot of shame surrounding the topic, which leads to miscommunications between sexual partners.

“I think we need to change the way we socially talk about sex,” Davis said. “Even though we’ve tried to come very far, I feel there’s [still] discomfort about it. I think that everyone would benefit from just being more honest and more open about things.”

To practice aftercare, Zar recommends self-advocating for the type of aftercare you want. If you do not feel comfortable asking someone for aftercare, Zar recommends considering if that is a safe person for you to be vulnerable with.

For Davis, sex has been like a “double-edged sword” because of a combination of negative and positive experiences. Though they have only experienced true aftercare once, they enjoy talking about the experience after. Going forward, they will try to discuss their wants and needs before sexual experiences.

“I’m trying to be more honest about these experiences,” Davis said. “I hope that maybe I’ll meet somebody and they’re like ‘yeah that happened to me too.’ I think there’s some kind of comfort in talking about it with people, and anyone who actually matters will be understanding.”

Freshman creative writing major Cassius Green believes that anyone who engages in sex should also be engaging in aftercare, whether you are in a relationship or not.

“A lot of people think that aftercare is only something for people that are in love or in relationships, and I think that’s also not true,” Green said. “It doesn’t always have to be holding each other and talking about how much you love each other. Aftercare can be more casual and it can also be sexy.”

His favorite form of aftercare involves cleaning up and getting dressed before making tea and toast to replenish themselves.

“It’s not also just about one person taking care of the other,” Green said. “It’s for both people to just experience connection and express appreciation for one another after you engage in sex, which is a very intimate thing.”

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The Importance of Sexual Aftercare

By Gigi Engle

Whether we want to admit it or not, sexually charged experiences come with heightened emotional states. It doesn’t matter if the experience is casual or part of a committed relationship, or if it’s sex that is kinky, vanilla, or involves wearing penguin onesies. When we get down and dirty, there are going to be emotions involved. How could there not be?

When we get into intense erotic states, our brains are flooded with a ton of neurochemicals like adrenaline, dopamine, and oxytocin. Desire is a complex biological and psychological state. As such, when we reach climax (or the end of the sexual experience), we need to be sure we get back to a healthy and relaxed mental state. Simply throwing your clothes on and going about your day without so much as a “Thanks for the good times, pal” doesn’t work for most people.

This is why aftercare is such a crucial component of sexual play. Aftercare is the post-sex activity (or activities) that allows us to feel safe, settled, and good after sex. Zachary Zane, sex expert for personal lubricant and condom brand Momentum Intimacy, tells TheBody that aftercare has “typically been associated with kink or particularly ‘intense’ sexual scenes, though engaging in aftercare shouldn’t be limited to solely kinky or BDSM experiences.”

Aftercare has its place in all forms of sex. It is time everyone embraced aftercare as a part of sex because whether you’re having a one-night stand or are in a long-term relationship, everyone deserves to leave sex feeling positive and good about themselves.

Here is everything you should know about aftercare and how to create a plan that works for you and your partner(s).

What Is Sexual Aftercare?

Aftercare is the ways we nurture and care for ourselves and our partners after sexual play finishes. While aftercare is (slowly) making its way into all forms of sex, it has typically been associated with the BDSM community, which prides itself on consent and thorough negotiation.

In the kink community, aftercare is a set of actions and activities consensually agreed upon before sex (or the scene) begins. It is a post-sex plan of action to ensure that everyone involved in the play feels safe and well taken care of. It ensures respect and kindness for the people we play with, regardless of how serious or casual the relationship may be.

Aftercare is as unique as the sexual experience itself. It can include talking, cuddling, comparing notes on the experience, having a snack, watching a show, playing with your partner’s hair, going off to have a breather alone, or taking a shower alone or together. There is no limit to the menu of activities you have to choose from. It also “involves practical things like tending to any bruises or cuts that you sustained during the scene, cleaning up the place, and even kissing it better,” Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, tells TheBody. “It needs to be something you find comforting and soothing, ideally that involves something restful.”

The way aftercare plays out is completely subjective and will depend on the needs and desires of everyone involved in the play.

Zane tells us that aftercare is really about caring for the emotional well-being of the people you play with. “At its core, you’re asking your partner how they’re feeling and if there’s anything they need from you,” he says. “They may want to cuddle, have a glass of water, share something that triggered them during sex, or something else entirely.”

Why Aftercare Matters

“Aftercare exists because doing a scene can be very intense, taking you into a super-activated state of consciousness,” Rowett says. “Intensity of any kind, be it pleasurable, painful, or the delicious line between both, is incredibly overstimulating.”

Because of this overstimulation, it is important to consider the ways you’re going to bring yourself and your partner back down into a state of calm once play concludes. A lot of us don’t consider the aftermath when we’re engaging in sex, but failing to do so can lead to sub-par experiences.

“Often, what happens after the sexual experience impacts how we view the experience,” Zane explains. “For example, if you had incredible sex, but [they kick] you to the curb the moment they orgasm, you’re likely not going to view the experience fondly. You’ll just remember feeling used, rushed, and kicked out.” No one deserves to feel this way.

Creating an Aftercare Plan That Caters to Your Needs

Knowing what you need when it comes to aftercare is a part of understanding yourself as a sexual being. This means considering what your needs are post-sex, not just during sex.

Ask yourself these questions.

  1. What did my last great sexual experience look like?
  2. What do I want right after sex that I’ve been afraid to ask for?
  3. What would make me feel safe and cared for after sex?

It doesn’t matter if you met your partner on an app 30 minutes ago, you still deserve to get the aftercare you need. If a person refuses to meet your aftercare needs, you may want to reconsider whether this is someone you feel safe enough to play with.

It’s important to consider where your aftercare needs intersect and where they differ. This requires open and honest communication with your partner. “If one of you needs a long cuddle afterward but the other needs alone time, you will need to make this clear and negotiate a way in the middle,” Rowett says.

While directly asking how your partner is feeling is very important, Zane points out that aftercare can also mean taking a few minutes to decompress before verbally checking in after sex. “Simply being with that person and holding them is a form of aftercare. After a few minutes, you can ask how they’re feeling,” he says.

Lastly, aftercare isn’t always about the “right here, right now.” It can often extend into the next day. “You can send a text asking how they’re feeling or if there’s anything they need from you,” Zane adds.

What all this juicy stuff boils down to is caring for the welfare of someone who shared an experience with you. We’re all just humans trying to find joy, pleasure, and comfort with the people we engage with. Every person we have sex with has a right to a good experience—and this includes emotional safety, too.

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Sexual aftercare tips and why it is important

Sexual aftercare is the time people spend caring for each other after having sex. This can involve things such as cuddling, talking, or massage. Sexual aftercare can be important for individuals of any gender.

By Anna Smith

Sex is an intimate activity that causes a person to feel various emotions. After sex, some people may wish to spend time caring for each other. This can help strengthen bonds and help individuals feel safe and secure.

Some people may find they enjoy or require sexual aftercare following sex.

Read on to learn more about sexual aftercare, why it is important, and how individuals can benefit from it.

Sexual aftercare is the act of caring for a person’s partner or partners after they have sex. It can be a way for individuals to strengthen the bond between them and their sexual partners.

An older study from 2014 found that affectionate behavior after sex had associations with higher sexual and relationship satisfaction.

Sexual aftercare can include activities such as:

  • cuddling
  • shared intimacy
  • talking about what a person liked and what they did not enjoy during sex
  • massaging each other
  • bathing together
  • sensual touching

Sexual aftercare may be important after people engage in BDSM, which stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism, and masochism.

The following are sexual aftercare tips.

Cuddling

An investigation from 2019 noted that married people who cuddled more frequently reported increased levels of relationship satisfaction.

With this in mind, cuddling after sex may help a person feel closer to their partner or partners. It may also help them feel safe and relaxed.

Additionally, BDSM may involve humiliating and degrading acts. Therefore, cuddling after BDSM activities may help remind a person that they are loved and cared for.

Communicating

Research from 2018 looked into the number of males who felt postcoital dysphoria (PCD). PCD is when a person feels tearful, sad, or irritable after sex.

The researchers found that 41% of males surveyed had experienced PCD at some point in their lives and that 3–4% of people experienced PCD on a regular basis.

People can engage in sexual aftercare to discuss how they are feeling after sex. A study from 2016 found that individuals experience increased emotion and intimacy following sex. This can lead to bonding behaviors, such as discussing feelings and emotions with each other.

Treating any injuries

Certain BDSM activities can result in a person becoming injured, which may be intentional or unintentional.

If a person receives a wound during sex, a partner may help treat them. This may help someone feel like someone is looking after them.

Bathing or showering together

Spending time washing together, or washing each other, can be an intimate experience. A person may enjoy being naked with their partner or partners in a nonsexual scenario.

Hygiene after sex is also important — washing the penis after sex can help prevent infections. The advocacy group Planned Parenthood suggests that uncircumcised males should clean underneath their foreskin every day and after sex.

Unwinding

After sex, people may wish to spend time doing nonsexual activities with their partner or partners. This might involve:

  • napping
  • watching a film or TV show
  • having a snack or beverage
  • playing a computer game together

Spending nonsexual time together may help build a stronger relationship.

BDSM is a group of consensual sexual practices and interests. BDSM comprisesTrusted Source physical, physiological, and sexual elements.

Power play is at the core of BDSM activities. This can mean that one person is dominant while another is submissive. Someone may also switch between being dominant and submissive.

BDSM can involve certain activities during, before, or after sex, while certain BDSM activities may not involve any sex acts at all.

BDSM activities can include:

  • being tied up, or tying someone up, during sex
  • being whipped, tickled, spanked, or performing these actions
  • humiliation
  • punishment
  • degrading acts, such as licking their partner’s shoe
  • ordering another person to do certain acts
  • sensory deprivation, such as blindfolding

People use BDSM for sexual fulfillment and fantasy. However, certain elements of BDSM can involve pain or humiliation. A person may feel a sense of shame or sadness after they engage in BDSM activities.

A study from 2016Trusted Source noted that people who engaged in BDSM may experience stigma-related shame and guilt. This could lead to feelings of loneliness or feeling like a burden.

By engaging in sexual aftercare, a person can reassure and comfort their partner if they have any negative feelings after sex. They can also receive treatment for any wounds or cuts resulting from BDSM activities.

Following any kind of sexual activity, a person may feel frustrated or detached from their partner. Sexual aftercare aims to ensure that everyone involved feels secure and acknowledged.

Sharing nonsexual intimate time together may help a person reconnect with a partner. It may be beneficial to use this time to talk about things they might not typically discuss.

Additionally, doing activities together after sex may reassure a person that they are not just a sexual object. It is important for everyone in a relationship to feel valued and respected.

Sexual aftercare is when a person cares for their partner or partners following sex. It can help strengthen relationships through communication and nonsexual activities.

People who engage in BDSM activities may find sexual aftercare important to their relationship. Although consensual, BDSM can involve painful or humiliating activities. Therefore a person may find it comforting to cuddle or discuss things with their partner or partners after these types of sexual activities.

Sexual aftercare can be important after any kind of sex, as some people can feel upset or frustrated after sexual acts. It can also serve as a suitable outlet for discussing certain feelings.

There are various kinds of sexual aftercare that individuals may benefit from. A person can speak with their partner or partners about the right kind of sexual aftercare for them.

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Aftercare

— How to make sure your partner is A-okay after sex

Sure, you know all about foreplay but what about aftercare? Yes, what happens after that big O is just as important

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When it comes to sex, there are countless tips for what happens before and during it, but rarely do we think about what we may need to do to make it better afterthe deed. Yet, studies are showing the importance of sexual aftercare even when individuals explore hook-up culture and casual sex.

Aftercare is where you take a moment to unwind, relax and reflect after a sexual encounter. Commonly spoken about after BDSM scenes, aftercare isn’t just a kink-focused activity—the techniques can be used after any form of sexual play as you come down from the excitement, stimulation and hormonal releases that happen during erotic activities, whether full-blown intercourse or simply exploring some of the best sex toys around.

Sex therapist Lyndsey Luther (opens in new tab) says that sexual aftercare is a vital part of a romantic relationship: “Aftercare builds an emotional connection and shows that you care about each other outside of sexual activity.”

Sexual aftercare: what you need to know

1. Chat with your play partner(s)

When communicating about aftercare, Luther suggests talking not only afterward about your play, but discuss your aftercare needs beforehand so you’re both prepared: “What does aftercare look like to you and what does it mean, and clarifying how you can discuss what you need after sex should be done in advance and throughout.”

Communication can help you digest and unwind from sexual encounters. It’s also a great opportunity to take a moment to chat with your play partner and discuss your sex session likes and dislikes. This will help you bond with your partner further and encourage even more enjoyable sexual encounters with them in the future.

2. Massage and body contact

Taking a moment to enjoy the presence of your lover’s body can help slow down your heart rate after rigorous sexual escapades. Not only will the warmth of another person’s body help you feel safe and comforted, but hugging can also promote the release of feel-good hormones that will allow you to leave your sex session in a positive mindset.

3. Clean-up and chill

Sex is naturally messy (hello, drippy lube and arousal serum!) and there’s nothing wrong with that. After getting all hot and sweaty, post-sex clean-up can help you feel ready to take on other day-to-day activities. Hydrating and having something to eat can also help and will boost your blood sugar levels so you’re set to take on the world after sex.

BDSM play—”bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism” (check out our bondage for beginners guide for more)—can push people through erotic limits that sometimes go against their day-to-day beliefs systems and personas, meaning things can get emotionally intense.

“With BDSM, aftercare is there to minimize the ‘drop’ (the feeling after BDSM that can leave you feeling sad or anxious), and well as to minimize any post-sex shame,” says Luther.

Some individuals benefit from taking time after BDSM play to relax and take a moment to re-emerge back into their day-to-day roles and personas.

BDSM play can also require additional aftercare, including after forms of sadomasochism play. For example, when spanking occurs—the area where impact has landed needs some aftercare attention to reduce the chances of injuries. Making sure these areas affected by sadomasochism play are clean afterward is important to reduce the chances of infection.

Luther suggests that when you’re planning an intense play session, it’s important to factor in if you have time for aftercare, as the drop after BDSM play can be very powerful. If you don’t have time to factor in aftercare for intense play, it may be best to wait to explore that type of activity for a day when you do.

What if your aftercare needs differ from your partner’s?

It’s very common for aftercare needs to differ from person to person. “Differences in aftercare habits can happen, but it’s all about communicating what each of you needs,” says Luther.

She suggests trying the following: “If what you need is different from your partner(s) needs, can you each receive something different from aftercare and, if so, is there a middle ground where each of you is comforted in the way you need? It’s all about discussing the negotiable and non-negotiable and deciding how you want to feel during aftercare.”

And despite the name, aftercare doesn’t have to be something that you just do right after sex. Checking in on your partner even a day after an intense sexual encounter can act as a form of aftercare and help you maintain that flow of intimacy.

If you haven’t explored sexual aftercare before, it’s worth taking some time to give it a go!

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Everything you need to know about subspace and subdrop in BDSM

Subspace can feel trance-like and floaty

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Kinky sex is becoming more mainstream by the year, with BDSM – which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission and sadism and masochism – is one of the more popular options. 

Generally, BDSM involves two major roles: the dominant and the submissive, the latter of which is the topic of conversation in this week’s episode of Smut Drop.

As the names imply, being dominant means being the one deemed to be in control, while the submissive, well, submits to that control.

Acting out any BDSM scene can be extremely emotional for either party, but particularly submissives, who experience what is known as ‘subspace’ and ‘subdrop’.

Sophia Mindus, a London-based educator, facilitator and artist interested in kink and sexuality, explains everything you need to know about the two states.

Subspace and subdrop are essentially emotional states triggered by a release of hormones into the body.

‘[During BDS], we are playing with roles, identities, and types of physical activities which are often very different from our day-to-day experiences,’ Sophia tells Metro.co.uk, adding that this can affect us on a physical, emotional and neurochemical level.

As Sophia explains, during different types of play the body can release a whole host of different hormones such as dopamine, adrenaline, endorphins, oxytocin, cortisol. This can lead to people feeling ‘high’ and in an almost ‘trance-like state’ both during and after intercourse.

While ‘topspace’ also exists for dominants, subspace is characterised as being ‘floaty’ and hazy.

Are there any dangers associated with subspace?

Subspace essentially puts the mind and body in altered states, just like if someone takes a drug or drinks too much alcohol, and can sometimes blur the lines of consent, especially in terms of something like BDSM, when pain thresholds might temporarily increase. That’s why it’s vital for dominants to be aware of subspace and responsible for its effects.

‘When people are in altered states it can be harder to make decisions, have awareness of bodily limits and boundaries, and ask for what they need,’ says Sophia.

‘This is not the same for everyone, but this is why in these situations, it is even more paramount that the top takes responsibility for respecting the limits and physical capacity of the person receiving.’

This goes for both physical activities, such as spanking, as well as other boundaries.

‘It is important that the top remembers limits clearly and does not add anything extra or change the type of play into something which hasn’t been prior agreed once someone is in subspace,’ says Sophia. 

‘BDSM relies on all parties to be taking part in these practices with awareness and approaching each other with humanity and ethics.

‘If one person is willing to bypass another person’s boundaries or limits because they are in subspace and unable to communicate clearly, this is a violation of consent.’

If someone is experiencing subspace, the safest decision a top can make is to bring the scene to an end.

How to prepare for subspace

Negotiate communication check-ins

Sophie says that communication check-ins are vital and should be negotiated before play has begun.

‘Some people may experience their subspace as finding it harder to communicate verbally, so perhaps a signal or non-verbal check in such as a hand squeeze or a head movement could be used to communicate,’ she says.

Start slow

‘If it is the first time playing with someone, or someone is experiencing subspace for the first time, this is something they may not recognise or realise is an issue.

‘I always believe in BDSM you can do more but rarely can do less – so going slowly and airing on the side of caution is important.’

What is subdrop?

As many of us know, what goes up must come down, and the high experienced during subspace often gives way to subdrop.

‘A huge surge in hormones can also lead to a sudden drop or depletion of dopamine and oxytocin, the hormones which make us feel happy, connected, warm and euphoric,’ Sophia tells us.

‘This can often happen the day after or some hours after play has occurred.

‘The feeling can vary from irritability and low mood, to feelings of being a bit lost and lonely, to sadness and sensitivity.’

While everyone will feel and deal with subdrop differently, it’s important to note that it is normal and there’s nothing wrong with you if you experience it.

‘Whilst we are experiencing a shift in hormones, there is also the reality that BDSM play is a very intimate and vulnerable experience – and the return to reality after these intense experiences can feel sensitive,’ Sophia adds.

‘When we experience such closeness and altered realities with another person, going back to our day to day life can feel a little strange.

‘This can also be difficult if people do not live with their play partners, the sense of loss and separation can be difficult to deal with and something to be considered and worked through to support one another.’

How to deal with subdrop

Subdrop highlights the need for aftercare following a BDSM scene.

‘Aftercare describes not only the immediate care that you need after a type of play, but also the care that you need in the days after a type of play as subdrop can take a while to be felt,’ says Sophia.

Find what works for you

It may take time and experience to understand what kind of aftercare you need.

‘For some people aftercare looks like alone time to process their feelings and thoughts,’ Sophia says, whether that be a self care evening with a bubble bath or time in nature.

‘For others it might look like making sure they have nice plans in place in the days after a play event or play date so they don’t feel so alone,’ she adds.

Reach out to partners

‘The most important thing is reaching out to your partner or friends if you are experiencing a drop.

‘It can feel overwhelming and bizarre the first time, and just knowing that you are not alone and you are not overreacting is important.’

Importantly, BDSM often involves two or more people, so it’s vital to reach out to and support your partners following a scene.

How to help someone through subdrop

Keep checking in

Given that subdrop doesn’t always happen instantly, it’s important to keep checking on your partner to see how they feel.

‘Taking time to check in either via call, text, or an in person meet up to see how your partner is doing, what they might be needing, and also maybe taking time to share what you enjoyed most about the play with them, [is vital],’ says Sophia.

‘Some people may need some reassurance, validation, and extra attention and care after BDSM play.

‘It is a vulnerable, intimate and intense experience to go through with another, and aftercare which encompasses the value of our partners can really support a connective and caring relationship.’

Be open

‘It can take time to recognise what you need to support yourself or another person through drop, so if this is new to you, being really open and offering different suggestions can be a supportive and curious way to explore how best to take care of one another,’ says Sophia.

This is especially important if the dominant is also experiencing a drop.

‘If both people need different things, you need to work out how to compromise and make it work so all needs are met,’ she adds.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is Sexual Aftercare?

By Natasha Weiss

We talk a lot about foreplay and what happens during sex, but what we don’t talk about enough is what happens after.

Aftercare is a broad term for how you and your partner support each other and check-in after you’ve had sex. 

Sex can ramp us up and leave us with all sorts of emotions. We may feel energized, or drained – or both. Some people feel exposed and vulnerable, or like their nervous system is ramped up. 

This practice gives you and your partner a chance to regulate, and deepen your relationship.

Sexual aftercare should be thought of as part of your sexual experience, much like foreplay, versus a separate thing after, that may feel like a chore. It’s essential for a healthy dynamic. 

The goal of aftercare is for all parties involved to feel safe and seen, while leaving space to discuss anything that came up during sex.

A Gift from Kink

What is sexual aftercare? The term aftercare comes from the kink community.

Depending on what your flavor of kink is, some minor injuries can occur, which need to be attended to.

The other reason people in the kink world advocate for aftercare is to help support people in any hormonal drops that can occur after such an intimate or intense experience. When adrenaline, cortisol, or oxytocin levels surge, they will also drop. Some people may experience anxiety, shame, or mixed emotions afterward.

Aftercare helps to ease the hormonal crash and helps people to integrate their experiences.

Aftercare for Everyone

Kink can encompass so many things, and even if you don’t incorporate it into your sex life, aftercare is just as important for you.

Aftercare tends to your physical, emotional, and mental needs. Some people may want to add spiritual needs to that list.

While these tips aren’t necessarily exclusive to physical or mental and emotional, here’s a breakdown of some helpful tools to incorporate into your aftercare routine.

Physical Aftercare

First, you’ll most likely want to tend to the physical.

This means rehydrating, and peeing of course to prevent a UTI. For people with vaginas, especially if you are prone to yeast infections, you may want to take whatever measures are needed to avoid irritation. Cleaning up yourself, and any toys used helps to lessen your risk of infection.

What other ways can you nourish your bodies?

You can try a nice calming tea, having a snack, or ordering a hearty meal. One of my favorites is to place an order for delivery and take a steamy shower together while we wait for our feast.

Some people may need space and time apart, while others will want to continue their physical connection by massaging each other, cuddling, and kissing. Both are beautiful, but it’s important to try to manage both partner’s needs. Note that taking space does not mean someone who intentionally avoids connection by rushing out the door, and reaching for a distraction in order to avoid aftercare.

If you know there’s something you or your partner will need afterward, like say chocolate, then try to plan ahead of time.

Mental and Emotional

Physical aftercare feeds into mental and emotional, but they are all equally important.

Some partners benefit from talking about their experience and giving each other positive reinforcement. This can even be a form of sexy pillow talk, where you boost each other up for the fine work you just did.

Hanging out and being mellow is also aftercare! Putting on an uplifting movie, dancing around to romantic tunes, and just basking in each other’s company are all ways to support each other after having sex.

Some people assume that sexual aftercare starts after one or both parties orgasm. Orgasms do not have to be the focus of your sexual encounters, and they are not necessary before engaging in aftercare.

Understanding the importance of aftercare makes sex less goal-oriented, and more about honoring everyone’s needs, and the dynamic of the relationship.

To Each Their Own

You may have a set aftercare routine with your partner that works for you, that’s awesome. Some people want more fluidity and gauge their needs in the moment.

Sexual aftercare is especially important for people who have sexual trauma PTSD – who experienced sexual trauma or abuse in the past. Sex after trauma can be triggering, and survivors may tend to withdraw or dissociate during or after sex. Aftercare gives them sexual trauma therapy which allows them to ground down and be held in a safe, supportive space.

Aftercare can look different for everyone, there’s no one right way to do it. What’s most important is that everyone’s needs are being met, especially if someone is feeling especially vulnerable or exposed.

Solo people or long-distance partners can also benefit from aftercare. Try it yourself next time you have a solo sex session!

Aftercare is important for so many different reasons, but it’s vital to creating a holistic sexual experience, and for deepening intimacy. You and your partner, or partners, deserve to be showered with kindness, affection, and understanding after a sexual experience. Aftercare makes space for all that and more.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Aftercare Is Important After All Kinds Of Sex

— Not Just BDSM

By Gigi Engle

Aftercare is the time a couple devotes to cuddling, talking, and caring for each other after sex. Aftercare is considered essential following BDSM because it ensures both partners feel at ease and ready to rejoin the real world, particularly after intense kink play.

In my practice as a clinical sexologist, I’m a big proponent of all couples devoting time to post-euphoric aftercare so as to rekindle closeness, regardless of the play they engage in. You may think this is simply “what you do after sex,” but it actually has important implications.

Aftercare makes for stronger emotional bonds.

Couples who practice aftercare will naturally develop closer, more intimate bonds with their partners than those who don’t. After sex, we’re particularly vulnerable. We’re naked, we’ve (hopefully) just had an orgasm, and our bodies are awash in oxytocin and dopamine. We need to ensure that positive state of mind continues. “Everyone feels good when they know their partner cares for them, and what better way to show it than tending to them when they are in a vulnerable post-sex state of mind?” says licensed psychotherapist and couples therapist Pam Saffer, LMFT.

“Prioritizing time [for] aftercare provides space to improve emotional intimacy, sharing and validating positive emotions. It really encourages couples to share open communication and express love [and] kindness toward each other either verbally or through affectionate touch,” adds Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist.

It doesn’t matter if you’re friends with benefits, in a long-term relationship, a one-night-stand, or married; aftercare is still important. While it may seem odd to engage in aftercare with someone you’re not seriously dating, it’s still important. It’s not about making someone fall in love with you or trying to make a more serious relationship out of something casual. It’s about making sure everyone is cared for with respect and tenderness so that they can leave a sexual experience feeling good about themselves.

Take some time to connect with your partner and reflect on everything that happened in a positive, kind way. The kind of relationship you’re in doesn’t diminish the need for making sure everyone feels good about the sex that took place.

It helps relieve underlying sexual shame.

While sex is not shameful and should be enjoyed (safely) by one and all, it can sometimes bring up feelings of shame due to the sex-negative messages many of us faced growing up. While the logical mind tells us that sex is normal and healthy, our subconscious can store these shameful messages. After sex, after that delicious post-orgasmic high, your body can suddenly unearth the subconscious shame. This might be especially relevant if one or more parties was raised within a conservative or religious background

“Part of the point of aftercare is to diminish any post-sexual shame, which can be heightened by sex followed by goodbye, leaving a partner to feel you [didn’t care] for them but only [wanted] sexual gratification,” says Gail Saltz, M.D., associate professor of psychiatry at the New York–Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine. “Women, in particular, have been socialized to feel that [sex for] sexual gratification only is a shameful act. It is, of course, not, but nonetheless, being cared for in some way afterward often mitigates those feelings of shame.”

Aftercare helps to stave off the post-coital blues.

Have you ever felt like crying after sex? You know, when you have a truly amazing orgasm and then feel sad for no reason? This is called “post-coital dysphoria,” or the post-sex blues. It’s believed to come from the euphoric rush and sudden comedown that follows intense sexual pleasure. It is the brain’s way of recalibrating. Research has shown that nearly half of men and women have experienced PCD at some point in their lives.

Aftercare is the salve that soothes these sad feelings. “Sometimes people can feel alienated from their partners after the euphoric feelings from sex wear off,” Shaffer explains. “Aftercare routines can help them to feel close in a purposeful way.”

Have an open and honest discussion about PCD and develop an aftercare routine that makes you feel safe and secure. You might want to cuddle, perhaps you want your partner to stroke your arm, or you might want to have a nice chat or a deeper conversation. “If you know there is something after sex that would make you feel better, then you need to speak up and ask for what you want. Your partner wants you to feel good, and anything they can do in aftercare needs to be communicated and shared with them,” D’Angelo says. 

The bottom line.

Sex is very fun, but it can be an emotionally fraught thing in addition to all the pleasures, so we need to take precautions to ensure that everyone walks away from the experience feeling positive and good about themselves.

Whatever form of aftercare works for you is perfectly fine. Just be sure you have a discussion about it before any sexy time takes place. When it comes to sex, we all deserve to walk out the door afterward feeling emotionally whole and great about ourselves.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Aftercare Isn’t Just Important In BDSM

The ritual is inculcated into those practicing BDSM, but for anyone else engaging in sexual relationships, it would do well to focus on aftercare, too.

By WH Staff

Many a rom-com has depicted that moment that immediately follows climax during sex. Audiences have laughed at the sight of partners rolling their sweaty body over, only to then reach for their phone and zone out as they begin another endless scroll on the Instagram feed. There are those who embrace for some time, and others who simply get up and stroll directly for the shower. It’s funny to watch because for most of us, we’ve been there: we’ve been with that person who wants nothing to do with us after sex, or alternatively had that partner who enjoys the post-sex cuddle as much as they do the main event. The fact remains, what happens after sex is just as important as it can leave many people feeling embarrassed or a sense of shame should such care be neglected.

It makes ‘aftercare’ a buzzword worth thinking about. In the world of BDSM, the practice of aftercare is something that is non-negotiable. It refers to a post-play ritual in which partners exchange physical or emotional comfort following an intense sexual experience. While it’s grounded in the assumption that such care is essential following kink play, it also is an important factor to consider in more vanilla sexual engagements, too.

Examples of aftercare include offering your partner a snack or something to drink, cuddling, giving them a compliment, having a good conversation, watching a movie, or even tending to any minor injuries that may have been sustained during BDSM play. It also offers a safe space to talk about what you might have enjoyed about the experience, as well as the things you might not have enjoyed. Ultimately, aftercare is dependent on the individuals at hand and varies depending on individual preferences.

As a way of nurturing your partner, it offers the chance to come down from the neurochemical high of BDSM, and avoid the low emotional state known as “drop” in kink circles. Given that BDSM is often more risky – physically and emotionally – and involves a higher level of vulnerability and trust, aftercare is seen as just an important part of it as establishing safe words. It offers protection and care, helping partners to ease back into normal consciousness, with grounded feelings of tenderness and affection.

With this in mind, aftercare is something we all can benefit from in casual sex. Regardless of what kind of sex you’re having, trust is imperative and good sex requires a level of vulnerability as we lower our inhibitions and seek to let go. It’s not uncommon then, for people to experience feelings of anxiety when it’s over, or simply feel a little down. As sexologist Gigi Engle explained in an interview with MindBodyGreen, “While it may seem odd to engage in aftercare with someone you’re not seriously dating, it’s still important.”

Engle added, “It’s not about making someone fall in love with you or trying to make a more serious relationship out of something casual. It’s about making sure everyone is cared for with respect and tenderness so that they can leave a sexual experience feeling good about themselves.”

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A beginner’s guide to bondage

— and how to introduce the idea to your partner

Curious about bondage, but not sure if it’s right for you? Here’s everything you need to know and more…

by

Bondage: one of the biggest buzzwords in the world of sex, but is it really all whips, chains and latex wearing dominatrix’s in dungeons? 

For those who haven’t delved into the world of bondage before, the thought of it may seem daunting, considering pornographic depictions tend to involve some pretty extreme acts. However, since the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon, public interest in bondage has been on the rise and it seems more couples than ever are engaging in everything from restraints and blindfolds to full-time dominant/submissive relationships. 

Just like introducing your best vibrator into the bedroom, approaching the conversation of trying bondage with your partner can seem overwhelming. But having an open and honest conversation about your sexual fantasies and how you both can bring them to life is easier than you might think. Plus, it could reignite the spark in a sexless marriage or help you bond with your other half.

To help you explore this type of sex play, we spoke to the experts who shared everything you need to know about bondage for beginners, with top tips for introducing the idea to your partner…

What is bondage?

Sex-positive relationships therapist, Sarah Berry, describes bondage as “consensually tying, binding or restraining someone. It’s anything that can restrict movement, whether it’s a dressing gown belt tying limbs to bedposts, handcuffs, a corset or a vacbed”.

Jess Wilde, bondage expert at Lovehoney, adds that bondage falls under the umbrella term Power Play where one partner takes on a dominant role while the other becomes the submissive.

Jess stresses that bondage and rough sex are totally different, and in fact, bondage can be very romantic. “Lots of bondage play is not rough at all and is often extremely slow and sensual. The only similarities between bondage and rough sex are that both acts should be explicitly discussed with clear boundaries agreed upon before play, and you should always settle upon a safe word before either type of sex,” Jess says.

Why is bondage so popular?

While bondage has been around for centuries, thanks to mainstream film, TV and books, bondage is more popular than ever. Research by Durex found that 53% of us see the benefits of experimenting through role-play, sensual massage or bondage.

There are lots of reasons people enjoy bondage, from the general feel-good factor of restriction to the element of power exchange.

“It might be because the restriction feels good in itself, for aesthetic reasons, to carry out a certain action or for power exchange,” says Sarah.

While some people who engage in BDSM might be more involved in the kink community and enjoy going to sex clubs or being flogged in a Christian Grey-style Red Room, for many it’s seen as a fun way to experiment with their sexual partners and strengthen their bond.

What’s more, for many, bondage is about much more than sex. Sex play can be a way to process trauma, reconnect with your body and sensuality, and find a sense of order and purpose in a world that can be chaotic and confusing.  

What are the rules of bondage?

There is really only one universal rule – bondage should always be safe and consensual.

While bondage is a great way to explore your boundaries and discover new realms of pleasure, it’s essential this is done safely and that you and your partner communicate about what you do and don’t feel comfortable trying. 

“A safe word is something the submissive partner (the one who’s restrained) can use at any time to stop play immediately and tells the Dominant partner (the one doing the tying) that they want to be released,” Jess explains. “Your safe word can be anything you like as long as you’ve both agreed on it before play. The best ones are short, easy to say, and easy to remember. It should stand out like a sore thumb in the middle of sex. A personal favorite is “GANDALF!””

When it comes to boundaries, you and your partner should discuss anything you don’t want to happen so they know exactly what is off the table during play.

The restrained person should never be left unattended, even if the Dominant is just leaving the room for a few moments. And restraints should never be too tight that they end up cutting off circulation.

Sarah also advises against drinking alcohol when experimenting with bondage, and as a safety precaution, have medical scissors on hand for a quick way to release restraints if necessary.

It’s also incredibly important to follow up with aftercare when play ends.

“During bondage play, one partner dominates the other, which is super arousing and exciting in that moment but can leave one or both of you feeling uncertain after it’s all over,” Jess explains.

This is known as the sub-drop and can happen when the submissive partner feels the endorphins wear off when playtime has finished and they start to feel lonely or sad.

“Bondage aftercare is the process of reassuring your partner that you care for them. Lots of hugs, loving touches and an open chat about the experience you’ve just shared are great ways to do this,” Jess advises.

How do I talk to my partner about bondage?

Keen to give bondage and try but not sure how to approach the idea with your partner? Sometimes it’s easier to show rather than tell. If your partner is comfortable with it, you could show them videos of the different bondage play you’d like to try out.

Porn for women is a great way to introduce your partner to different types of play for female pleasure, there are also hundreds of YouTube videos explaining the different aspects of bondage that will help open up the conversation with your partner. You can then discuss what you’re both interested in trying and encourage them to share their fantasies with you too.

Once you’ve talked about what you’re both interested in trying, discussed your boundaries and agreed on a safe word, the fun can really begin.

What do I need for bondage?

You can start bondage play using household items like a tie or a dressing gown waist tie as restraints, but if you want to invest in play you won’t be short of sex toys to buy.

The market is full of toys for bondage play, from rabbit vibrators to handcuffs and blindfolds. Brands like Adam & Eve and Love Honey sell bondage sets for beginners which include the basics such as, blindfolds, handcuffs, ballgags and whips.

While you don’t need a kit to get started, it does remove the pressure of deciding what type of restraint to try out first. Handcuffs and blindfolds are a great place to start as they’re easily removed and not too restrictive. Ideal for first-times who may be a little apprehensive about getting stuck in the restraints.

To begin with, Jess advises avoiding rope or bondage tape which can damage the skin if not used correctly. “Instead, opt for soft, Velcro-fastened wrist cuffs that offer comfy, reliable restraint, and can be removed in a jiffy if required,” she says.

“Start small, and focus restraint on one area of the body to begin with (eg wrists OR ankles),” Jess adds. “And, if you both like that, then you can build to more advanced restraint where arms and legs are cuffed at the same time.”

Once you get to grips with the basics and discover what you like, you can explore bondage sex toys further. For instance, if you or your partner are particularly keen on being handcuffed, you can look into other types of restraints such as rope, collars or hog ties.

Feeling comfortable and confident is a sure-fire way to boost your enjoyment, so treat yourself to some new lingerie to get you in the mood, too. It doesn’t have to be leather or latex – choose something that makes you feel sexy, comfortable and ready to experiment.

How do I choose submissive and dominant?

Once you and your partner have decided to explore bondage together, your next thought might be which one of you should play as submissive and which as dominant. But, the brilliant thing about bondage, is you don’t have to be one of the other. Play is for everyone who consents and there are so many ways you can explore bondage, domination and submission.

Don’t let the stereotypical, heteronormative depictions of BDSM put you off from what could open up a whole new world of excitement and self-discovery. It can be fun to switch things up with your partner and play different roles every time.

The world of BDSM is for all sexualities and gender identities, and bondage can even provide a unique sensory experience for those who don’t want to engage in penetrative sex itself.

“How you play is a matter of personal preference. To figure this out, talk with your partner before play and remember: the sub is the one who’s actually in control at all times. Although the dom may guide play, the sub calls the shots, and decides when play is over,” Jess says.

What’s next for your sex life after bondage?

If you’ve enjoyed bondage and want to take things to the next level, Jess suggests adding sensory play into the mix with spanking.

“Spanking can be enjoyed with or without bondage (in the same way bondage can be enjoyed without spanking). Because spanking is still a form of Power Play, it has many of the same rules as bondage in order to keep play fun and safe,” Jess says.

“For couples who’ve agreed they’d like to try spanking, it’s important that you build intensity slowly,” Jess adds. “Start with a light tap, and build how hard you hit to find the right sensation for your sub. Some people like their spanking with some pain, but for many, spanking isn’t painful at all. Lots of people enjoy spanking for the psychological thrill of being dominated or dominating someone.”

Start with your hand first before bringing any toys into the bedroom. “Using your hand enables you to control how hard you spank as you can feel the impact too. If you’re both happy with this and decide you’d like to try using a spanking tool, a beginner-friendly spanking paddle is the best place to start,” Jess says.

When you’re new to bondage the most important thing to remember is that it should be fun! Bondage is play that should be enjoyed by both you and your partner. It should bring a new level of excitement to the bedroom and be a positive sexual experience for you both.

So get those cuffs out, and explore everything bondage and the wider BDSM world has to offer.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!