Month: November 2021

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Why Safe Relationships Can Feel Boring After Abusive Ones

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There are arguably few things in life that can leave someone as emotionally unmoored as an abusive relationship. Survivors know that the fallout from such relationships doesn’t just end when the relationship ends. Social shaming, self-blame, and psychological turmoil can and do carry on long after the relationship in question are over. But there is another, much wilier effect that can often slip through the cracks — one of boredom, especially in subsequent relationships that are healthier.

This can seem counterintuitive. A look at message boards online points to this anxiety among survivors, and it is pervasive. The overwhelming feeling is shame and guilt — why does something good not feel exciting? Some even wonder if they deserved the abuse they experienced. But there is one response to such a question on a Reddit forum that stands out:

“I was in the grip of a frightening and never before experienced emotion and mood. After talking with me for some time he [a mentor] busted out laughing, and told me, “what you are feeling is called serenity my dear!”

Experts have proposed a name for what happens after such relationships: post-traumatic relationship syndrome (PTRS), or “Relationship PTSD.” It isn’t included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), but it is an emerging explanatory tool to think through and heal from the effects of abusive relationships — one of the most pervasive of which is the survivor’s belief that they don’t “deserve” healthy relationships afterward.

“If you’re a survivor, your mind is in a constant state of vigilance while trying to please another person and walking on eggshells,” says Ipsita Chatterjee, a Mumbai-based therapist and founder of Thehraav: Unwind Your Mind. There are good phases, and it’s a cycle where a survivor constantly thinks about what more they can do. This has neural impacts on the brain: in a safe relationship, in the initial period it is very difficult to switch off the hyper-vigilance.”

During this time, she explains, survivors set bare minimum standards for relationships — if it’s safe, it’s okay to “let go” of the small things. Over time, however, when they do reach a sense of safety, the blindspots come out into the open. Due to the extreme transition between relationships, the focus on equilibrium rather than building on a relationship and doing the work of setting boundaries or having open communication can eventually lead to monotony.

Even once in a healthy relationship, the new dynamic can seem unfamiliar. “After an individual exits a toxic relationship they often can find themselves reacting to new relationships with patterns or suspicions,” Naphtali Roberts, a marriage and family therapist, told Bustle. The highs, lows, and unpredictability in a past relationship can feel like the norm — anything without that level of turbulence can thus start to feel like there is something amiss.

“The mind has never been used to safety and stability, it is used to an emotional rollercoaster — a cycle of immense pain and then love-bombing. When the pain is intense, it is intolerable, and then the love-bombing is so overwhelming that they think they can’t leave the person,” says Chatterjee. Given that, a stable relationship takes a while to get used to.

“If you’re not used to safety, equilibrium, tranquility… It may take the hyper-vigilant person a while to express love without feeling threatened. By the time the hyper-vigilance switches off, the mind starts looking for a replacement for love-bombing, because they’ve never experienced healthy love. That can become a little monotonous,” she notes.

There is also an effect similar to addiction in abusive relationships, which makes survivors tend to seek similar relationships in the future. “The relationship is intoxicating. There is intermittent reinforcement, and there is a great deal of shame and guilt about the relationship,” Ellen Biros, a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recover, told Healthline.

It could influence how attracted they are to new people — indeed, one of the big factors is sex and intimacy. Many survivors often report that the sex with abusers was good, and that anything afterward doesn’t measure up. Intimacy with partners in healthier relationships can thus often feel less exciting.

But this doesn’t speak to the skills of the people involved themselves, but rather the psychological manipulation that survivors go through. Often, in abusive relationships, sex is one of the things that makes survivors feel loved and attended to, which aren’t otherwise generously given.

The pop culture we consume normalizes abuse in relationships, to the extent that it feels “right” only when there’s a certain level of violence, manipulation, or toxicity involved in the name of passion. Think Kabir Singh, for instance, or even Devdas.

“We need to look at what pop culture shows us about passion. In so many scenes, we see a man slapping his girlfriend and then they end up making out violently. The scripts that we’re taught… shape our ideas of relationships,” Chatterjee further explains.

“Everywhere we learned that love is control, and that a little bit of violence can ignite the passion. It makes sense to like that — when there’s someone abusing you, there’s so much pain that you will love the passion a lot more. As opposed to when you’re in a safe relationship, there will be hard work from both ends to make it passionate, because there’s already so much safety,” she adds.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Student Sex Workers Exist.

Denying That Won’t Make Them Go Away

By Cerys Turner

“If you don’t like the idea of students having to sell sex, we have a suggestion for you! Fight for cheaper rents, the return of grants, and higher minimum wage. But to attack services aimed at student sex workers is profoundly dangerous.”

These are the thoughts, voiced on Twitter, of SWARM (a grassroots, sex worker-led collective fighting the criminalisation of sex work and supporting sex workers) following the controversy surrounding Durham University students’ union’s safety training for students involved in the sex industry. The training provides support, advice and event collaborations for pupils already employed in sex work. The Times reported that Michelle Donelan, the minister for higher and further education, said Durham was “legitimising a dangerous industry”. On the political left, the Labour MP for Hackney, Diane Abbott, also voiced her concern, describing the safety training as “horrific”.

“Services and support for student sex workers do not ‘encourage’ students into sex work,” continued SWARM on the Twitter thread. “Students sell sex and sexual services because of the high cost of living (in particular, high rents), low wages in other forms of work (eg hospitality), and a lack of grants & other forms of financial assistance.”

As Refinery29 reported earlier this year, students are turning to sex work due to financial pressure. The high cost of living in the UK has always been a major factor in sex work but with average student rents across the country having increased by almost 20% since 2020, student sex workers have been hit particularly hard. In 2016 the National Union of Students (NUS) ran a survey with student sex workers and discovered that less than 15% of respondents believed their institution or students’ union was providing sufficient support for their line of work. Meanwhile 53% of respondents wanted more information on sexual health and 51% on financial help.

Sex work has long been a point of contention in British society. It’s taken decades of hard work by those employed in the industry and their allies for prostitution even to be considered a legitimate job. Whenever the subject comes up, there is considerable moral panic. However, as recently as 2019, high profile institutions such as the Royal College of Nursing (RCN) have called for sex work to be decriminalised. The RCN’s appeal was based on the notion that the current law puts sex workers’ health in danger by deterring them from seeking medical help from the NHS due to the risk of prosecution.

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Student sex workers are a fact of modern life. To deny them support in higher education is a grave mistake with real world implications for the students I represent.

Jonah Graham, Durham Students’ union

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Ultimately, the tension underpinning conversations about student sex work lies between those who reinforce the stigma surrounding sex work and those who want to support sex workers. What gets lost in that debate are the very real economic conditions which push some people into sex work. If we could focus on supporting sex workers and, at the same time, address those conditions then we might actually get somewhere.

Soliciting sex – offering money for sexual services – in public may be illegal but legal forms of sex work have evolved since the most recent Sexual Offences Act was passed in 2003. For instance, the internet subscription service OnlyFans has become the latest platform for sex workers to profit from producing adult content.

What exactly constitutes sex work in 2021? According to Open Society Foundations, sex workers are adults who receive money or goods in exchange for consensual sexual services or erotic performances. These can come in many forms, including but not limited to stripping, webcamming, dancing and pornography.

However you slice it and whether you like it or not, sex work happens. And the face of sex work in the UK – and the people behind it – isn’t uniform. It is not always a negative experience or a choice made out of desperation, as the TikTok videos about becoming a sugar baby, which receive millions of views, attest. It is also true that for some sex workers, it is a financial means to an end.

You might not like the fact that something exists but that won’t make it disappear. In any case, regardless of a person’s reasons for undertaking sex work, do we not have a duty, as a society, to protect them?

Durham SU has been making headlines for providing exactly that sort of support, educating student sex workers on their rights, their safety and the potential risks of the industry. Jonah Graham, Durham SU’s welfare and liberation officer, highlighted the importance of raising awareness of students employed in sex work. “We agree that ‘it is right that vital support to women is offered’, which is why the training was created. The training’s target audience is those who support students, so they understand the legal, safety, and wellbeing concerns of students and how to respond to disclosures sensitively.

“Student sex workers are a fact of modern life,” he continued in a statement in response to the backlash from Donelan. “To deny them support in higher education is a grave mistake with real world implications for the students I represent.”

Denying the needs of student sex workers does not eliminate their existence. While Donelan highlighted the £85 million universities received last year to support financially struggling students, economic issues run far deeper than a one-off payment can resolve. In a 2020 survey by Save The Student, 56.9% of student sex workers reported that funding their education was one of the main reasons they went into sex work, while almost half (45.1%) also said it was to avoid getting into debt.

Even though the government provides hardship funds for those struggling financially, many students aren’t aware of the cash. Tom Allingham from Save The Student tells Refinery29: “Forty-three percent of students feel as though they haven’t received enough information about the funding that could be available to them.”

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56.9% of student sex workers report that funding their education was one of the main reasons they went into sex work. 

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However, the biggest issue, Allingham notes, is the “ever-increasing gap between the money students receive from the government and how much they actually need to spend on essentials like rent, food and bills”. Save The Student’s latest survey revealed that the average maintenance loan is £340 less than students’ living costs each month.

This is happening against the backdrop of a 7% increase over 2021 in the UK Student Living Index – an index run by NatWest which calculates the most expensive university towns and cities across the UK – meaning the average cost of living is far higher than the previous year.

“The government urgently needs to increase the funding available to students to ensure that nobody feels pressured into making money in ways that they’re not comfortable with,” Allingham continues.

Rosie Hodsdon, an executive assistant at National Ugly Mugs (NUM), an organisation that provides resources and protection for sex workers, also recognises the need to target the economic factors that lead students into sex work.

“Student loans are awful. Students are expected to find employment that fits around other commitments, do university work, as well as caring responsibilities people might have, while also paying enough for them to live on and poor working conditions as well,” she tells Refinery29.

“The vast majority of student sex work takes place in response to those conditions, and we must understand that those conditions exist,” she continues. “If you have this idea that sex work should be stopped and eradicated, you need to deal with the conditions that encourage students into sex work. You cannot take away support for those who are doing it simply because you don’t believe that it should exist.

As Hodson sees it, universities should support students engaged in sex work on a duty-of-care basis. “If you want to stop someone doing sex work, don’t take away their studentship – that’s just going to make them do more sex work,” she continued.

Hodson also emphasised how universities and students’ unions should be pushing for student landlords to remove morality clauses from their contracts. These are lines in agreements which stipulate that a student can be expelled or evicted if found to be engaged in sex work. “Those can lead to student sex workers losing accommodation and becoming homeless, which will encourage more people into sex work,” she added.

The most important thing, however, is simply encouraging an understanding of the realities of student sex work and actively engaging with those employed in the industry. As ever, this is about listening to sex workers instead of talking about them.

“There are resources out there that are written by student sex workers, for universities, that have been designed in collaboration with student sex workers, about what they need, what resources are out there,” Hodson concluded. “How can you treat them better? By actively engaging with them and respecting their voices, their experiences and actively being on their side. That’s going to massively change the culture of hopefully universities as a whole with regards to student sex work.”

Durham isn’t the first university to advocate for better support for student sex workers. Leicester University provides a toolkit for student sex workers while the University of Sussex freshers’ fair hosted stalls by the Sex Workers’ Outreach Project Sussex. Normalising this line of work needn’t be radical. Just as schemes such as The Loop have opened up a more accepting dialogue around drug use, acknowledging sex work – and, more importantly, tackling the stigma that it is a problem at all – has gone far further in supporting students employed in sex work than avoiding their existence altogether.

The Department of Education told Refinery29: “Universities should provide an inclusive environment for all students. This is a matter for providers and we expect them to support any student who may be involved in potentially harmful situations.”

“However, the government is concerned that sex work training could enable, normalise and encourage sex work and the exploitation of mainly female students. We consider more effective action could be taken to support students in such situations. Students in hardship should be helped by their provider, and more generally providers should be supporting the wellbeing and mental health of students who are vulnerable.”

“If a student is experiencing hardship, their provider should make all efforts to identify how they can support the student and prevent the student from being involved in potentially harmful situations as a consequence.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 Tips for Having Great, Fulfilling Sex When You’re Just So Tired

By Natalie Arroyo Camacho

A healthy sex life is linked to a number of great benefits: a longer lifespan, improved heart health, and decreased stress, to name a few. That said, at one point or another, it’s likely you’ve simply been too tired to have it. But, having sex when you’re tired still stands to boost your well-being because it makes you feel more connected to your sexual partner and opens you up to all the benefits of experiencing orgasm. (Of course, this doesn’t apply to asexual people, whose relationships are still valid and intimate despite a lack of sexual activity.) And, with the help of some tips, it’s possible to still have great and satisfying sex, even if you’re pretty zonked.

And for the health of your relationship, it may be worth your effort, too. According to experts, using sleepiness as a reason to avoid sex may lead you to not regularly reap the intimacy-boosting benefits of sex. “When you’re maintaining that [sexual] connection, even if you’re going through hard times together, you’re likely to be a little kinder and nicer, and maybe even a little more patient with your partner in the rest of your relationship,” says sexologist and co-founder of GoLove CBD lubricant Sadie Allison, PhD.

That said, if you or your partner is chronically tired and not in the mood, it’s important to first connect about potential underlying issues causing the sex-life-busting exhaustion. “I always encourage couples to first talk about the fatigue,” says sex therapist Shannon Chavez, PsyD. “If there’s not even [sexual] desire, or one partner hasn’t been in the mood, having an open dialogue around that is the first step [to having sex when tired], because you want to figure out what’s getting in the way of sex.” Following this discussion, it’s important to follow up with action. Whether that’s a change in routine, one partner helping the other to minimize sources of stress that may be stoking libido-busting fatigue, or seeking therapy, it’s important to move forward together.

But sometimes, there’s no serious or problematic underlying issue, and you’re just plain old sleepy. Read on for six expert-backed suggestions for having great consensual sex when you’re tired (and why doing so may be worth it).

6 expert-backed tips for having sex when you’re tired (and making it great)

1. Remember that sex goes beyond penetrative intercourse

Dr. Allison says that understanding intercourse as broader than just a penetrative act can ultimately make it easier to to make sure everyone is satisfied, and—considering the factor of tiredness—efficiently so.

For instance, non-penetrative sex acts can be effective for achieving orgasm (the fastest way for vulva-owners to orgasm, after all, is via the clitoris), and having an orgasm releases happiness-boosting chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin in our brains. So, it’s totally possible to reap the well-being benefits of sex without having penetrative intercourse.

2. Try “lazy” positions

In this sense, “lazy” is not meant to convey a negative feeling. It’s more so a way to depict the amount of energy that goes into sex when you’re tired. “Lazy sex is good sex, because all sex leads to feeling more desire for connection,” Dr. Chavez says.

“Lazy sex is good sex, because all sex leads to feeling more desire for connection.” —sex therapist Shannon Chavez, PsyD

Basically, it’s an expert-sanctioned excuse to take it easy on the advanced sex positions when you’re super sleepy.  “You want to choose a position that is the least amount of work necessary,” says Dr. Allison. For example, spooning can be a good go-to position for having sex when you’re tired because it doesn’t require much energy or agility—plus, it brings you physically close to your partner.

3. Try to have sex during the afternoon

If you and your partner work remotely, afternoon sex can be a real winner. At this time, we have naturally higher levels of alertness thanks to the hormone cortisol and lower levels of sleep hormone melatonin than at night. So, fitting daytime sex into your schedule may circumvent the feeling of “having to” have sex at the end of a long and draining day.

4. Give yourselves grace

Certain individuals may experience super-busy seasons at work, for example, and this may sometimes impact their bandwidth for sex. For example, if your partner has a presentation coming up they’ve been preparing for months, or you just launched your business, your sex life may lag a bit in light of those energy-absorbing realities. In cases like these, give yourselves a break and stay in communication about how you plan to prioritize your relationship—sexually or otherwise. After all, it’s important to not make sex feel like a chore or another item on an already super-long to-do list.

“During busy seasons, be realistic with the schedule and know that this particular month might be difficult or different. Give yourself some grace,” says Dr. Allison.

5. Prioritize intimacy

Whether it’s a busy season or not, make sex and intimacy a priority; something you want and need to do as opposed to something you have to do. Part of this means not leaving it as the last thing you do in a day, after all your chores and to-dos are finished. Otherwise, sex unfortunately often slips through the cracks because, well, you’re just too tired after doing everything else.

The key here? Both partners should agree that no matter what, even if each is exhausted, they’ll make time for intimate connection. Even if it’s a couple of minutes of eye gazing and not an orgasm-inducing activity, says Dr. Chavez.

6. Try having slower sex

“Slow sex can be some of the best sex,” says Dr. Chavez. And because you’re moving slower, you’re exerting less energy, which can ease anxiety about having sex when you’re just so damn tired.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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After surviving cervical cancer, I’m teaching my kids about sexual health to save their lives

Using the anatomical names for private parts and getting vaccinations against HPV by age 12 can help keep children healthy into adulthood

Experiences and lessons from childhood can influence a person’s understanding of their own sexual health, and affect the quality of care they receive.

By Eve McDavid

Staring at the speckled gray tiles of the exam–room ceiling, I planned out my last day at Google before maternity leave while my OB/GYN performed a pelvic exam. Once we wrapped, I’d zip to the office to tie up loose ends. Instead, I heard her say “irregular” as she discovered a tumor, and my world collapsed.

There are an estimated 36,000 cases of cancer related to the human papillomavirus (HPV) in the United States annually; last year, my Stage 2B cervical cancer diagnosis was one of them. Miraculously, my son arrived safely five weeks early, and I responded incredibly well to treatment. In time, our young family rebounded; I proudly reached remission this year.

As a systems expert who studies patterns in consumer behavior, I felt compelled to understand why so many women are underinformed when it comes to the importance of cervical health care. What I found is that experiences and lessons from childhood can influence a person’s understanding of their own sexual health, and affect the quality of care they receive.

So, how do we help our children — boys, girls and gender non-conforming — become comfortable with their bodies, speak up when issues arise and understand the importance of preventive care? I spoke with public health and medical experts to identify foundational childhood experiences that can normalize sexual health and, most importantly, keep our kids healthy.

Teach the names of private parts

It’s hard for a person to be proactive about sexual health when they’re not comfortable using proper anatomical names for genitals. “Private parts” was the only acceptable term in my upbringing; it was a conscious, necessary adjustment to teach my children to call and recognize their genitals by “vagina” and “penis.” Even if it feels awkward at the beginning, keep going. A 1992 study in the Journal of Sex Education and Therapy found that children whose parents taught them the anatomical names, because of the modeling at home, were most likely to remember.

Children unashamed of their genitals are also more likely to speak up if they’ve experienced sexual abuse or another health issue, says Princess Nothemba Simelela, who leads the World Health Organization’s Cervical Cancer Elimination Initiative.

Simelela says that by age 5, children can understand their bodies and associated boundaries. Using stories and animated graphics, she has taught young girls about what kind of touches are not okay. The same lesson can be taught to boys, too, she says: “You know, if you touch here and here, it’s inappropriate … If somebody fondles you or touches this part of your body, you must let someone else know.”

Get your children vaccinated against HPV by age 12

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says the HPV vaccine is the best protection against six cancers caused by the virus and recommends that all children ages 11 to 12 get vaccinated (though kids as young as 9 can receive a shot). A recent U.K. study found that vaccinating girls ages 12 through 18 against HPV could substantially reduce the incidence of cervical cancer, particularly when vaccination happened at age 12 or 13. Education about this issue is particularly important in Black and Hispanic communities, where cervical and other HPV-related cancers are more prevalent.

I received the HPV vaccine in my 20s after I’d contracted a high-risk strain, so it wasn’t as effective; I’m practically counting the days until my children are 9 and I can provide them with the gift of cancer prevention.

“That we have this vaccine that can prevent the virus, it’s kind of a magic bullet,” says Jessica Rose, an OB/GYN at Bellevue Hospital in New York and assistant professor in the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at NYU Grossman School of Medicine. “There’s nothing else out there that can do it.”

Twenty years of evidence supports the HPV vaccine, says Maria Trent, chief of adolescent and young adult medicine at Johns Hopkins University.

“The first thing is that the vaccine is safe. It’s been tested on millions of people, and the thing is that we’ve seen change, just like we’ve seen change with the chickenpox vaccine,” she says. “I haven’t seen a case of chickenpox in years because we vaccinate people. Nobody should suffer like I did when I was 3 with chickenpox, right? We’ve seen the same thing in HPV.”

Trent urges decoupling the vaccine from sex, which prevents some physicians from administering it.

“I don’t think you have to have ‘the talk’ to give your kid the HPV vaccine. It’s just not a requirement,” she says. “No one is going on tangents about your Tdap [a vaccine to prevent tetanus, diphtheria and whooping cough], you know, other than to say, ‘If you step on a rusty nail, this is going to help you.’”

The vaccine is also recommended for boys because it protects against HPV transmission as well as anogenital, penile, and head and neck cancers. “The data suggests there are risks for subsets of men related to cancer,” Trent says, “and we want to prevent people from having genital warts, too.”

Make sex education part of family conversations

Researchers discovered the link between HPV — the most common sexually transmitted infection — and cervical cancer in the 1990s, around the time I first attended sex education in public school. But, like most women, I never learned about this in school. Instead, I found out about the link after my HPV diagnosis.
“You can’t leave the conversation about the first menstrual event to somebody else,” says Simelela of the WHO. “Make it something that the family talks about like we talk about their grades, their performance on the sports field. You’ve got to make this a day-to-day conversation. That’s what I tell a mom, that ‘it’s your responsibility … It’s you, at the end of the day, you take responsibility for this and for the well-being of your child.’ ”

“We spend billions of dollars on STD [sexually transmitted disease] management and unplanned pregnancies in the United States; the least we can do is tell young people how to take care of themselves, how to prevent adversity down the road,” she says. “If they don’t have that information, they can’t incorporate that into their decision-making.”

Navigate difficult topics with trusted health-care providers

As a young adult, I went to my first gynecology appointment alone, unprepared for the stark difference from seeing my pediatrician. Lacking the language to comfortably discuss sexual health, I only sheepishly spoke up. After cancer, I realize that being afraid to ask questions can affect the care patients receive and doctors can administer.

Now I view my health as a trusted partnership between myself and my provider, and that’s a value my husband and I instill in our children. At home, we talk as a family about the many reasons to visit the doctor. Eventually, we’ll discuss what my cancer diagnosis means for the kids as they grow up and independently seek care.

Find a pediatrician or adolescent-medicine provider with whom your child is comfortable discussing difficult topics.

“I would also say to parents that it’s important for them to allow their young person space when they need to talk to [their doctor],” Trent advises, “knowing that we always would loop parents back in if their young person is in trouble.”

Rose, the Bellevue OB/GYN, says gynecologists are working to improve the care continuum from adolescence into adulthood. “There’s been a move in our specialty to make the transition smoother,” she says. “For patients, there’s a lot of normalizing why women go to the gynecologist. There are plenty of reasons to see a gynecologist, even if you’re not sexually active.”

For parents, there’s no end to the child-rearing advice we receive. Having just survived cervical cancer, I believe this may be the most important: Give your child the gift of life that preventable cancer won’t cut short.

As Simelela of the WHO says: “Here you may have such a unique opportunity to leave a legacy for the next generation where they can never experience this painful disease, and instead read about it in a museum. It’s possible.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to get consent for sex

(and no, it doesn’t have to spoil the mood)

By and

New South Wales and Victoria are set to introduce a suite of reforms to sexual offences legislation which set a new standard for sexual consent. Both states will implement an affirmative model of consent.

Affirmative consent is based on the idea that someone who is consenting to sex will actively express this through their words and actions – it’s the presence of an “enthusiastic yes”, rather than the absence of a “no”.

So what’s changing, and what does that mean for how we negotiate sex?

By law, you will need to actively seek consent

The Victorian and NSW reforms place a higher onus on the accused.

Current legislation stipulates that while any steps taken by the accused to ascertain consent should be taken into account in determining whether their belief in consent was “reasonable”, they are not required to have actively sought consent. This means an accused person could argue they had “belief” in consent, without actually taking any action to confirm this belief.

Under the new model, if an accused did not take steps to ascertain consent, their belief in consent is considered to be unreasonable. Silence or a lack of resistance cannot indicate consent.

If an accused wanted to mount a defence that they held a “reasonable belief” in the other person’s consent, they would have to demonstrate what steps or actions they took to make sure the other person was consenting.

It is hoped this will lead to an emphasis on the actions of the accused, rather than scrutinising the complainant’s behaviour. These are important improvements in the way the legal system responds to sexual assault.

No, it doesn’t mean signing a consent form

Affirmative consent means all partners should consciously and voluntarily agree to participate in sexual activity.

Responsibility for consent should be mutual, meaning all parties involved need to ensure they have obtained consent.

Affirmative consent can also be withdrawn at any time – it’s an ongoing process, not a one off “yes” at the start of an encounter.

Some people suggest affirmative consent makes sex “awkward” or “formulaic”. We’re often asked if this means we need to have our partners sign a consent form at the beginning of an encounter.

Others say having to constantly “check in” with a partner can spoil the mood or remove the spontaneity of sex.

As New Zealand comedy Flight of the Conchords reminded us, ‘a kiss is not a contract’.

Not only does an affirmative model help to ensure your partner is actively consenting to sex, it can also help enhance pleasure and fun.

So how do you actually get consent?

Here are some ways you might approach consent under an affirmative model:

Ask your partner how they like to be touched, or what they would like to do. Questions like “how does that feel” or “would you like it if I did XXX” can help ascertain consent but also ensure sex is pleasurable!

Some companies have produced cards to help facilitate this conversation with a partner. Kink communities, such as BDSM groups, often have well-established protocols for talking about consent, and there’s arguably much we could learn from them.

Pay attention to all of the cues and forms of communication a partner is using. This includes what they say, but also their body language, gestures, noises, and emotional expression.

Gay couple cuddle in bed.

If a partner is passive, silent, crying, or looking upset, these are all red flags that they are not consenting. If there’s any doubt about whether your partner/s are into what’s happening, stop and check in with them again.

If you’re still unsure, it’s best to end the encounter.

Is the other person intoxicated or drug affected? If so, they might not legally be able to consent to sex. While some people do use alcohol or other drugs to enhance sexual pleasure (for example, in Chemsex), this is something that needs to be carefully negotiated.

Again, if in any doubt, it’s always best to stop.

Consider the context, and the nature of the relationship between yourself and your partner/s. For example, are you in a position of power over the other person/people? This could be on account of your age, gender, employment status and so on.

If the answer is “yes”, exercise caution. Is it possible the other person could feel pressured or unable to say no to you?

Two young people without shoes sit on a tiled floow.
If there’s any doubt about consent, stop and check in with your partner.

While research suggests non-verbal communication is the most common way people communicate consent, people can misinterpret non-verbal cues. So it’s best not to rely on reading non-verbal cues alone.

Try using verbal consent as well (or the use of sign language or written communication for people who are non-verbal). This doesn’t have to be awkward, or contractual, and consent can be communicated through dirty talk.

Asking a partner what they like also allows you to learn about their body and what feels good, rather than just guessing what they might find pleasurable.

Beyond affirmative consent

While affirmative consent certainly provides a better framework for sexual communication than just waiting for someone to say “no” (or simply assuming the other person consents), it also has limitations.

People may still affirmatively consent to sex they do not want for various reasons. Consenting to sex may be the safer option in an abusive relationship, for example. People also often engage in sex due to peer pressure or because they feel it is their duty as a partner.

Our sexual scripts and dominant gender norms can also make it difficult to enact affirmative consent in practice.

Young women, for example, are often socialised to be polite, compliant, and pleasing to others. Sexual double standards presenting women as “sluts” or “whores” for actively engaging in and enjoying sex persist. As a result, it can be difficult for some women to openly express their sexual wants and desires.

Woman sits on the end of a bed.
Some people are less able to say no.

Affirmative consent is less able to take into account the broader structural and social factors that make saying “yes” or “no” difficult, or that mean we sometimes “consent” to unwanted sex.

While affirmative consent is vital, you might also want to think about how you can ensure your partners feel comfortable and safe to express their needs, desires, and what feels good.

You also want to make sure they feel comfortable to say “no” at any time without any ramifications.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex and the Single Woman at 66

— Ageism and Sexism be Damned

Studies show that women well into their 80s and 90s wish to remain sexually active.

by

It’s time we had a candid conversation about sex and the single senior, especially if you’re a woman.

Last month, I turned 66. I’ve had no age-defying surgeries. I have accepted—but will never embrace—the 10 extra pounds on my 5’1″ frame. Still, men haven’t exactly been running the other way.

One morning earlier this year, after we in the 65-and-older crowd were vaccinated, I received flirty texts from three male friends inviting me out. I smiled reading each one, but I didn’t text back. 

Like so many aging single women who like sex, I had succumbed to the double whammy of ageism and sexism. Engaging with any of these three men would require scheming, sneaking around and outright lying to my millennial daughters. It was exhausting.

Studies show that women well into their 80s and 90s wish to remain sexually active. If they aren’t married or in a committed relationship, however, they likely have given up on sex. For many, the problem is a shortage of available good guys or the dreaded dry vagina. For others, it’s the tsk tsk of society—and family—that keeps us home, watching Netflix alone.

As a feminist of the 1970s who fought long and hard against sexism, including making the bedroom a level playing field, how can be stopped in my tracks by my own daughters?

I was divorced in 2016 and waited the recommended year before going online. Match.com served up a plethora of men who seemed too good to be true. Of course, in the end, they were. Still, I decided to indulge.

Despite my discretion, my daughters quickly caught on. The younger lived with me. The older was newly married and lived nearby. They didn’t hesitate to share their displeasure.

I was pouring coffee one morning after a post-divorce date when my younger daughter walked into the kitchen. I offered her my cup. She eyed me suspiciously.

“What?” I asked.

“You had sex last night.” She spat out the words and poured her own coffee. I was stunned. He left long before she came home, I thought. How could she know?

“I can see it all over your face. You look like someone who just had sex!”

Growing up Catholic, I learned early on you can sin to the high heavens as long as you are contrite and do your penance. I continued to seek and find the wonderfulness of a kiss, a caress, an orgasm on Saturday night, erasing the guilt by doing my daughters’ laundry on Monday morning.

For the next two years, I wore skinny jeans with heels and spent too much money on makeup brand Boom! By Cindy Joseph. I dated men who were 15 years younger and 10 years older. Some took me to wonderful restaurants, others to five-star hotels. We went dancing, to the movies and watched the moon’s reflection over Lake St. Clair. It wasn’t all Hollywood-like bliss, but it was close enough.

My daughters told me I was acting like a teenager. The younger continued to huff past me in the morning. The older told me she had no interest in meeting anyone. Ever.

The sting was not lessened by my therapist reminding me that children, regardless of age, have difficulty seeing their parents as sexual beings. Furthermore, she said, their reproach proved just how powerful the cultural messaging is against older women who don’t follow the rules.

Indeed, last year Harvard Health Publishing reported on attitudes toward sexuality: “Society is inclined to desexualize older adults. When older adults do express their sexuality, it’s often viewed with derision.”

Eventually, my daughters wore me down. I took my profile down from Match.com and let my gray grow out. I used the pandemic, as so many people did, to pull in and reflect. I babysat my new granddaughter and built up my freelance writing business. I made dinner for my girls and son-in-law and watched The Office reruns with them.

“Society is inclined to desexualize older adults. When older adults do express their sexuality, it’s often viewed with derision.”

As I pass from middle-aged to elderly, I think about how I will live out my final chapter—and with whom, if anyone. I have no clear vision of what’s ahead.

I do know, however, that sex is healthy, and I have no intention of calling it quits. Nor do I intend to apologize for it. I applaud the experts who shine a spotlight on the inequity of it all and propose solutions.

One such authority is Dr. Sheryl Kingsberg, co-director of the Sexual Medicine and Vulvovaginal Health Program at University Hospitals Cleveland Medical Center, and past president of the International Society for the Study of Women’s Health. She believes the way to change negative stereotyping of menopausal women starts with their doctors.

“Menopause and sexuality are not addressed in medical schools or residency,” she told me in a recent interview. “Most doctors can talk about a smelly discharge but are not comfortable asking about orgasm. They aren’t taught how to deal with issues of desire and arousal.’’

On average, women enter menopause at 51 and live well past 80. That means many of us could spend one-third of our lives being censured if we dare to exert ourselves as sexual beings.

“Most doctors can talk about a smelly discharge but are not comfortable asking about orgasm. They aren’t taught how to deal with issues of desire and arousal.’’

During the summer, I ran into a former colleague from my early newspaper days. He asked me to dinner. Then he invited me to go birdwatching. He arranged a bicycling outing and reintroduced me to old reporter pals.

A week ago, I invited him over to start the third season of The Kominsky Method. We were on the sofa getting cozy when my daughter came home early. She stomped into the house and, without saying hello, asked him to move his car.

He left immediately. This time, I glared at her.

“What?” she asked.

“That was rude,” I said. She started to object. I cut her off: “You don’t get to have a say in what I do and whom I see. Not anymore. I expect you to treat me and my friends cordially. Always.”

Kingsberg said I should have done that a long time ago. “Why, in any realm, should a woman feel bad about the fact that she is healthy and has a good strong desire? We should have fun and experience passion. To keep that going is something you should embrace.”

“It’s good you told your daughter to knock it off,” she said.

Now, we need to stand up to the rest of society and make it clear that our right to the “pursuit of happiness” includes pursuing pleasure, no matter our age, gender or preferred position.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Aftercare Isn’t Just Important In BDSM

The ritual is inculcated into those practicing BDSM, but for anyone else engaging in sexual relationships, it would do well to focus on aftercare, too.

By WH Staff

Many a rom-com has depicted that moment that immediately follows climax during sex. Audiences have laughed at the sight of partners rolling their sweaty body over, only to then reach for their phone and zone out as they begin another endless scroll on the Instagram feed. There are those who embrace for some time, and others who simply get up and stroll directly for the shower. It’s funny to watch because for most of us, we’ve been there: we’ve been with that person who wants nothing to do with us after sex, or alternatively had that partner who enjoys the post-sex cuddle as much as they do the main event. The fact remains, what happens after sex is just as important as it can leave many people feeling embarrassed or a sense of shame should such care be neglected.

It makes ‘aftercare’ a buzzword worth thinking about. In the world of BDSM, the practice of aftercare is something that is non-negotiable. It refers to a post-play ritual in which partners exchange physical or emotional comfort following an intense sexual experience. While it’s grounded in the assumption that such care is essential following kink play, it also is an important factor to consider in more vanilla sexual engagements, too.

Examples of aftercare include offering your partner a snack or something to drink, cuddling, giving them a compliment, having a good conversation, watching a movie, or even tending to any minor injuries that may have been sustained during BDSM play. It also offers a safe space to talk about what you might have enjoyed about the experience, as well as the things you might not have enjoyed. Ultimately, aftercare is dependent on the individuals at hand and varies depending on individual preferences.

As a way of nurturing your partner, it offers the chance to come down from the neurochemical high of BDSM, and avoid the low emotional state known as “drop” in kink circles. Given that BDSM is often more risky – physically and emotionally – and involves a higher level of vulnerability and trust, aftercare is seen as just an important part of it as establishing safe words. It offers protection and care, helping partners to ease back into normal consciousness, with grounded feelings of tenderness and affection.

With this in mind, aftercare is something we all can benefit from in casual sex. Regardless of what kind of sex you’re having, trust is imperative and good sex requires a level of vulnerability as we lower our inhibitions and seek to let go. It’s not uncommon then, for people to experience feelings of anxiety when it’s over, or simply feel a little down. As sexologist Gigi Engle explained in an interview with MindBodyGreen, “While it may seem odd to engage in aftercare with someone you’re not seriously dating, it’s still important.”

Engle added, “It’s not about making someone fall in love with you or trying to make a more serious relationship out of something casual. It’s about making sure everyone is cared for with respect and tenderness so that they can leave a sexual experience feeling good about themselves.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Managing Expectations About Chemotherapy and Sex

by Angelica Bottaro

Chemotherapy and sex is a subject that many people may wonder about when they’re undergoing treatment, but oncologists rarely discuss sexuality and physical intimacy during chemotherapy with their patients.1

Since it’s not talked about, many people have a knowledge gap about the safety of sexual activity during cancer treatment and the ways in which their sexuality might be affected by it.

Read on to find out more about how chemotherapy can affect your sex life and how to stay physically intimate with your partner while undergoing cancer treatment.

Is Sex During Chemo Safe?

Having sex while you are undergoing chemotherapy (or chemo) is generally considered safe as long as certain precautions are taken. Patients receiving chemo can typically have sex, but they need to do their best to avoid situations that could affect their treatment or overall health.1

Infections

You may develop a low white blood cell count while you are undergoing chemo.2 This makes you more open to infections. Having sex if you have a lowered white blood cell count places you at risk for infections.

Chemotherapy can also decrease the number of cells that bind together in your blood (platelets) to help form blood clots and prevent excessive bleeding.

If you have sex and you have low blood platelets, you might experience bleeding that could be severe. You might also be more likely to bruise during intercourse if you have a low blood platelet count.3

When to Talk to Your Healthcare Provider

Ask your healthcare provider about getting blood tests to check your white blood cell and platelet counts to help determine if it’s safe for you to engage in sexual activity while you are undergoing chemotherapy.

Exposure

Chemotherapy drugs can make their way into saliva, semen, and vaginal secretions for up to three days following treatment. It is not clear whether chemotherapy medications can be passed sexually, but you might be more likely to expose a partner to the chemicals in chemotherapy medications if you are intimate during the first few days after treatment.

People who are not undergoing chemotherapy but who are exposed to chemotherapy medications may experience adverse health effects such as:4

  • Skin rashes
  • Sore throat
  • Chronic cough
  • Dizziness
  • Headaches
  • Eye irritation
  • Hair loss
  • Allergic reactions
  • Increased risk of developing cancer
  • Infertility
  • Miscarriage

Considerations

Depending on where the cancer is located, you might be told to avoid sex while the area is healing. For example, you might need to avoid sexual intercourse if the cancer is in your genital area, urinary tract, or rectum.

Chemotherapy may lead to painful intercourse (dyspareunia).5 You may not experience pain, but if you do, be sure to bring up this concern with your doctor. There are ways to address the pain and make intercourse more comfortable.5

One study in women being treated for breast cancer found that when they used a liquid lidocaine compress on their genital area prior to sexual intercourse, it helped treat the pain they had been having during sexual intimacy.5

Protection, Fertility, and Pregnancy

If you plan to have sex while you are receiving chemo and you could become pregnant, you need to use birth control. Getting pregnant during chemotherapy can be risky because the medication increases the chances of birth defects in the developing fetus during the first trimester.

Undergoing chemotherapy during the second and third trimesters has been associated with low birth weight and an increased risk of stillbirth.6

Getting Pregnant After Chemo

In some cases, chemo can cause infertility. However, many people do go on to have children after treatment.7

If you want to conceive and have recently had chemo, you should talk to your doctor about when it will be safe for you to stop using birth control and begin trying to get pregnant.

How Chemo Affects Libido 

Chemotherapy can disrupt your sex drive and cause low libido. While this side effect of treatment is rarely talked about, it can severely affect your intimate relationships.8

Sexual side effects are not seen with every type of treatment. They’re more often experienced by people who are being treated for specific cancers, such as prostate cancer, testicular cancer, and gynecological cancer, including cancers affecting the cervix, ovaries, and uterus.9

Chemotherapy medications, in particular, have been associated with a lowered libido and can affect a person’s libido in several ways, including:

  • Medication side effects: Chemotherapy has been shown to cause low libido. Other side effects such as nausea, vomiting, and fatigue can also contribute to a lower sex drive.10
  • Body Image: Chemotherapy side effects can affect a person’s body image because of weight loss or gain, and hair loss. A person may develop low self-esteem because of these changes, and the way that a person sees themselves has a lot to do with their desire to be intimate.11

Staying in Touch With Your Sexuality During Chemo

Although chemotherapy can hinder your ability or desire to stay intimate with your partner, there are things you can do to help improve the experience.

Open the Lines of Communication

If you no longer desire sexual intimacy but do not discuss the change with your partner, they may feel rejected and unloved. You will want to be open and honest with each other about how your treatment has affected the physical aspect of your relationship.

Having open communication can also help you brainstorm solutions to maintain a level of intimacy that is satisfactory to both you and your partner.

Partner Play

When you and your partner are ready to try being sexually intimate again, it’s important that you ease into it. Make use of any ideas you had in your earlier discussions.

Remember that there is more to physical intimacy than intercourse. Exploring new ways to be with someone physically can be a fun and exciting opportunity to reignite your desire for sexual touch. If you’re having pain, try different positions that make intercourse more comfortable.12

Going Solo 

Sometimes it might be difficult or undesirable to be intimate with someone else. When you are feeling this way, you might want to explore your sexuality independently.

According to the American Cancer Society, self-stimulation can help ease you back into sexual feelings as you are recovering from chemotherapy.

It can also help you identify any areas on your body that might be sore or tender. That way, when you do go to have sexual intercourse, you will be aware of what hurts and you can communicate about these sensitive areas beforehand.12

Resources

One resource that you might explore with a partner is couples counseling, which can give both you and a partner insight into how the other person is feeling about the current state of your physical relationship.

Sometimes it’s helpful to have someone else mediate conversations if the topic is sensitive. In this case, a sex therapist could help you identify and fix obstacles that have been preventing you from expressing yourself sexually.

Seeking out a therapist who can help you overcome any body image challenges that you have after cancer treatment can help you rebuild your self-esteem. This, in turn, could increase your drive to be physically intimate.

According to the American Psychological Association, there are many avenues that you can explore to help address lowered libido and sexual dysfunction caused by chemotherapy.13

For example, you might try mindfulness-based approaches, psychotherapy, and couples therapy with a partner.

Summary

Sexual dysfunction is a side effect of chemotherapy that can cause a person to feel worse about themselves, which may result in problems in romantic relationships.

Aside from the physical changes that may come with treatment, such as lowered libido, having sex while you are undergoing chemo can also pose extra health risks, making it even more difficult to participate in.

If you are having chemotherapy, you should express your desires, needs, and concerns about sex to your healthcare providers to ensure that they can help you regain your sexual life after treatment. Your provider might also be able to help you connect with a sex or couples therapist.

A Word From Verywell

Dealing with a lack of sexual intimacy in a relationship can be tough, but it can be even more difficult if it’s the result of an already stressful situation like cancer treatment.

You might find it challenging to help your partner understand what you’re going through. Not being able to be physically intimate with them may put a strain on your relationship.
Know that you can have sex while undergoing chemotherapy as long as your healthcare provider says that it’s safe and you understand the precautions that you need to take to keep things safe.

Communicating openly with your partner, exploring new ways to be physically intimate, and asking your doctor any questions you have about physical intimacy during chemotherapy can all help you maintain the physical aspect of your relationship with your partner and yourself both during treatment and when you are recovering from it.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • Should you wait to have sex after chemotherapy?

    Some people are advised to avoid sex while they are having treatment, but this is not the case for everyone. Ask your healthcare provider about whether it is safe for you to have sex during your treatment.

  • Can you still become aroused during chemo?

    Although it’s possible to lose your libido during chemotherapy, not everyone will experience this side effect. If you do, there are still ways to become aroused while your desire for sexual intercourse is low.

    For example, playing out fantasies in your head, practicing different forms of intimacy with or without a partner, and fostering good self-esteem can all be helpful.

  • What should you avoid after chemotherapy?

    When you’ve reached the end of treatment, you might be ready to jump back into sexual intimacy—but there are a few things to be aware of.

    For example, if you get pregnant shortly after you are done with treatment, there is a risk that the fetus will have birth defects. If you are able to become pregnant, you will probably be on birth control during treatment to help prevent this.

    After you’re done with chemo, talk to your healthcare provider if you are planning to resume sexual activity and wish to go off birth control, especially if you would like to try to conceive.

  • How long after chemo can you have a baby?

    Getting pregnant shortly after chemotherapy comes with risks for the developing fetus. Some health experts believe that you should wait at least six months after finishing your treatment to begin trying for a baby. Other health experts have said that two to five years is the optimal time to wait before getting pregnant after you’ve had chemotherapy.

    Discuss your posttreatment conception plans with your healthcare provider, as they will be able to give you the best recommendation based on your situation.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why the Kinsey Scale still matters 70 years on

— And what every queer person needs to know about it

Two Barry sisters read review of the Alfred Kinsey Report on Women over the shoulder of Beverly Lawrence

If you’re like most people, you’ve probably heard the phrase “sexuality is a spectrum”. In a way, we have Dr Alfred Kinsey to thank for that.

By Matthias Walsh

In 1948, American biologist Dr Kinsey and associates Wardell Pomeroy and Clyde Martin developed the Kinsey Scale. Also known as the Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale, the seven-point scale was created to represent the team’s findings from years of research – that human sexuality was not as black and white as it was originally thought to be.

Kinsey’s highly controversial work ushered in a new era of studies on sexuality, thus earning him the title of “father of sexology”. But over 70 years later, does Kinsey’s work still hold up? Is the Kinsey scale still a reliable representation of the spectrum of sexual orientation? Or has it become a relic of the past?

Who was Dr Kinsey?

Dr Alfred Charles Kinsey was an American biologist and professor at Indiana University. Prior to his work on human sexual behaviour, Kinsey spent 20 years as an entomologist, collecting and identifying dozens of species of gall wasps.

It wasn’t until the early 1930s that Kinsey became interested in the study of sexuality. At this point, he began teaching sexual education classes to graduate, senior, and married students, where he would also hand out questionnaires for his research on sexual histories.

By 1947, Kinsey established the Institute for Sex Research (now known as the Kinsey Institute). Armed with financial support from the Rockefeller Foundation, Kinsey and his team pored over hundreds and thousands of sex histories to study sexual relationships and sexual behaviour in the human world.

Dr. Alfred C. Kinsey and His Staff
Dr. Alfred C. Kinsey (white shirt) working with his staff on the final phases of his book, Sexual Behavior in the Human Behavior (Getty)

What is the Kinsey Scale?

The Kinsey Scale is a visual representation of the research findings that Kinsey and company published in Sexual Behaviour in the Human Male (1948). Together with Sexual Behavior of the Human Female (1953), the two books became collectively known as the Kinsey Reports. Considered some of the most influential scientific books of the century, the Kinsey Reports sold almost 1 million copies and were translated to 13 languages.

According to Discover Magazine, Kinsey’s research found that 37 per cent of men had been in a same-sex experience by the age of 45, while 13 per cent of women had had a same-sex encounter. As explained by the Kinsey Institute, the reports showed that “sexual behaviour, thoughts, and feelings towards the same or opposite sex were not always consistent across time”.

As such, the Kinsey Scale broke free from what was the traditional categorisation of sexual orientation at the time – heterosexual, bisexual, and homosexual – and instead presented the following broader seven-point rating system:

0 – Exclusively heterosexual
1 – Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
2 – Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
3 – Equally heterosexual and homosexual
4 – Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
5 – Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
6 – Exclusively homosexual
X – No socio-sexual contacts or reactions

“The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats”, wrote Kinsey in the report. “Not all things are black nor all things white…only the human mind invents categories to force facts into separate pigeonholes. The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects. The sooner we learn this concerning sexual behaviour the sooner we shall reach a sound understanding of the realities of sex”.

In short, Kinsey believed that sexual orientation was not as rigid as most people believed at the time. Instead, he saw that many people exhibited all types of sexual behaviour, even if it contradicted the labels with which they identified. As such, Kinsey sought to normalise the idea that sexual orientation is more akin to a spectrum than a strict binary.

Understandably, upon its release, Kinsey’s research was met with a lot of controversy. For many, Kinsey’s insistence that humans could be more than either gay or straight was an affront to everything they knew about themselves. It also meant that once you exhibited some type of homosexual behaviour – even if you didn’t identify as a homosexual or experienced same-sex attraction – then you could find yourself in some very hot water.

You have to remember that, at the time, homosexuality was considered illegal in most parts of the world, including the US and the UK. In fact, the main reference book in psychiatry, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), didn’t remove homosexuality from its list of diagnoses until the early 70s.

An unidentified couple sit on the grass during the New York City Pride March, New York, New York, 1980s or 1990s. (Photo by Mariette Pathy Allen/Getty Images)

Is the Kinsey Scale test accurate?

So there is no such thing as a Kinsey Scale “test” or a Kinsey Scale “quiz”, per se. While it was once used to measure the balance of heterosexuality and homosexuality in a person relative to their history of sexual attraction and experience, it isn’t really used as a diagnostic tool anymore. Instead, think of it more as a representation of the sexual fluidity of human beings!

But if you really wanted to, technically speaking, you can study the scale and decide on your position on it.

Is the Kinsey Scale still relevant today?

The short answer: yes and no.

Kinsey and his associates moved the needle in terms of how a person’s sexual orientation is studied and understood. However, that doesn’t make their work infallible, especially when compared to what we know today.

Here’s how the scale misses the mark:

The scale fails to represent asexuals

On the Kinsey Scale, asexuals are lumped under the “X” rating, which is defined as people who have had “no socio-sexual contacts or reactions”. However, for many asexuals, this is simply not an accurate representation.

Asexuality is defined as the lack of sexual attraction to others. For many, asexuality is a sexual identity in the same way as being gay, lesbian, or bisexual are. It’s also considered an umbrella under which various forms of asexuality exist, from demisexuality (people who only feel sexually attracted to those they form emotional bonds with) to akoisexual (people who experience attraction but do not wish to have those feelings reciprocated).

The scale conflates sexual attraction and sexual activity, while leaving out sexual identity

Kinsey’s research focused mostly on the sexual behaviours that his interviewees acted upon. What he and his associates failed to consider was that sexual behaviour is not the same as sexual attraction. On top of this, one’s sexual feelings and behaviours do not necessarily reflect how one would identify.

The scale implies that attraction to one sex cancels out attraction to another

This is something that a lot of bisexual people have gripes with. The Kinsey Scale implies that the more attraction you have towards one gender, the less you have towards another. While behaviour can be measured (as in, you can count the number of sexual experiences a person has had), attraction is much harder to quantify.

This implication is especially frustrating for bisexual people who often feel invalidated by both gay and straight people. Many bisexuals feel that if their attraction is not a 50-50 split between the same and the opposite sex, that their bisexuality is somewhat invalid.

But take for example a bisexual woman who is attracted to both men and women but has only dated men exclusively. If you follow the scale, that woman is a “0 – exclusively heterosexual”, despite the fact that she feels sexual attraction to other women.

Kinsey Scale bisexual
People marching with anBi, a bisexual organisation, carry a bisexual flag in the 43rd L.A. Pride Parade in West Hollywood, California. (Getty)

Is there another sexuality scale aside from the Kinsey Scale test?

If you’re looking for a more nuanced model for identifying your sexual orientation, consider the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid and the Storms Scale. There are other scales out there – around 200 or so, in fact – but these two are by far the most popular.

The Klein Sexual Orientation Grid was first introduced in 1978 by psychiatrist and sex researcher Dr Fritz Klein. Appearing in his book The Bisexual Option, the Klein Grid was created as a learning tool to give people a more holistic understanding of the complexity of human sexuality. The Grid is made up of seven variables and three situations – past, present, and ideal.

The Storms Scale, on the other hand, was developed by psychologist Michael Storms in the early 80s. The scale focuses more on eroticism rather than sexual behaviour.

Does the Kinsey Scale still matter?

The Kinsey Scale was once a groundbreaking model of human sexuality at a time when the very idea of sexual orientation as anything but a binary was considered taboo. As such, it’s relevant in that it’s a seminal work in the field of sexology.

It’s also important to note that, for some people, having some kind of label or system of identification helps those who are questioning to better understand who they are and to find their “tribe”. In this way, the scale can still be a useful tool for those who are still exploring their sexuality.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘I’m in a sex-free relationship and I’ve never been happier’

Sex is seen as the bedrock of a healthy relationship, but is it possible to maintain intimacy – and happiness – without it?

Will sex-free relationships work?

By Rosie Mullender

Olivia*, 40, can’t wait to marry her fiancé Noah*, 42. Yet the couple have what’s officially termed a “sex-free relationship”.

They’re sexually intimate less than once a year – and not even being at home together 24/7 during the pandemic lockdown changed that.

“Like most couples, when we first met, Noah and I couldn’t keep our hands off each other,” Olivia tells Body+Soul.

“But things gradually slowed down; after a year or so, they’d practically stopped. Neither of us has a very high sex drive, so we weren’t unhappy about it. But although we were comfortable discussing the issue, we used to worry it meant we weren’t compatible. Surely if we really loved each other, we’d want to have sex?”

The couple sought the advice of a counsellor.

“They told us a relationship can thrive even without sex, as long as we’re intimate in other ways,” Olivia says.

“Since then, we’ve felt much more relaxed about it. We check in regularly, to make sure we’re both happy, but the conclusion is always the same: nope, still not in the mood.”

Although Olivia’s case is fairly extreme, the stress of the pandemic has impacted sex lives around the world.

The amount of sex we’re having has declined as a direct result of global lockdowns, while even before the pandemic, young Australians were having less sex than other demographics, with 40 per cent of 18-24s reporting “never” having sex in the ABC’s 2019 Australia Talks survey.

So what happens if, like Olivia, your relationship involves no sex at all?

Is it possible to maintain intimacy even without the one ingredient most of us would agree cements a healthy adult relationship?

“Yes, it is – if both people agree or accept it,” Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, tells Body+Soul.

“Looking at the media, you may believe that the best relationships are full of passion and hot sex all the time, which can influence how people judge their own relationships. But what really matters is how a couple defines intimacy. It needs to be what suits them and what they can both live with.”

Problems are most likely to arise, says Shaw, when your sex lives aren’t fully in sync, with one person in the relationship wanting more sex than the other.

“Sexual appetite varies from person to person and, at times, you might agree it isn’t a very important aspect of your relationship and accept it as a smaller part of your connection,” she explains.

“Often, however, one person is driving the decision and that means you need to actively work to reach a common understanding – a discussion that may also need to be revisited over time. Once a couple stops having sex, you can start to feel like flatmates or friends rather than intimately involved, so it’s important that there’s genuine acceptance about it, even if you’re not in complete agreement.”

As for Olivia, she’s found that the stresses of the pandemic have brought her and Noah emotionally closer – even without the bonding powers of sex.

“I’m still excited about marrying Noah, and having lived through the pandemic together, we’re closer than ever,” she says.

“We bond through emotional chats, mutual support, lots of cuddling and holding hands in bed as we fall asleep. We’re definitely more than just good friends – we just aren’t that interested in sex.”

And as sex-free partnerships go, Shaw says they’re approaching things the right way.

“A couple who have agreed not to have sex can still show their connection in a range of ways,” Shaw explains.

“The secret to a healthy relationship that doesn’t include sex is working at the intimacy and connection that still defines you as a couple.”

*Names have been changed.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Here’s How To Be Submissive In Bed If You’re New To BDSM

“Power play” is your new BFF.


By Emma Glassman-Hughes

It seems you could hardly crack a whip in the last decade without hitting a mainstream depiction of BDSM. Fifty Shades Of Grey eviscerated book sales and box office records; Rihanna’s ode to “chains and whips” peaked at number two on Billboard’s 2011 charts; Netflix’s Bonding gives dominatrixes a manic-pixie makeover. All that exposure to kink, power play, and BDSM (an abbreviation for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism) may have you wanting to explore some elements of the practice yourself. Whether you want to try bondage, new props, role-playing, or being more dominant or submissive in bed, the numbers of BDSM-curious folks like yourself are steadily climbing.

Of the 2,000 adults surveyed in 2018 by sex toy brand EdenFantasys, one in four consider themselves kinky and are looking to explore new sex acts. Of that 25%, 14% said they wanted to incorporate dominance and submission into their partnered play — they just weren’t sure how to bring up the subject. Similarly, in 2021, dating app OkCupid tells Elite Daily they found a 17% increase in BDSM terms in women’s user profiles, and a 44% increase in similar terms in men’s user profiles. OkCupid also found an overall 14% increase in users who say they are “open to trying new things in bed” during the pandemic.

Psychotherapist Amanda Luterman, founder of the Center for Erotic Empathy in Montreal, says these numbers likely rose throughout the pandemic because forced isolation prompted many partners to rewrite their sexual scripts and deconstruct their pre-existing power dynamics.

Why Is Submission So Hot?

Submission is widely misunderstood and misrepresented, according to Luterman. “Submission doesn’t just mean being able to bend over, or get on your knees, or do all of these hot things that you see in porn, and have it be arousing,” she tells Elite Daily. Instead, she says, submission is sexy because of the narrative ascribed to it.

“You don’t have to fantasize about sweeping floors, but if your beautiful person comes over to you and says, ‘I want to watch you sweep this floor. Take your clothes off, I want to watch your body while you do this for me,’ you may find it really interesting to sweep that floor,” Luterman says. “It’s not the act, it’s the dynamic.”

Luterman makes the point that, in a pre-internet age, most people could just pick up a Playboy and be perfectly aroused. A static (albeit very hot) image was enough. But now, “people need a story to motivate their arousal more than ever.” Power play and BDSM, especially dominance and submission, offer people an avenue to engage their imaginations and act out their fantasies.

Subs Have The Power

Another misconception about submission is that it’s an expression of disrespect, Luterman says. Instead, she says, submission is based on “unconditional respect” and a “belief that your pleasure is of equal or greater importance to the partner you’re playing with.”

Jasmine Johnson, a Florida-based licensed clinical therapist and self-described “adult entertainer and sex educator committed to decolonizing sex,” puts it another way. “One of the most important things for a submissive to know is that they have all of the power in the dynamic,” she says. Even if your goal in practicing submission is to give up the power, your role as a sub is to recognize that you have power to begin with, and “it’s yours to give, to submit, and to relinquish to your partner. It’s a give and take.”

Dominance and submission look different for every partnership, but at its core, Luterman says “dominance is not domineering, it’s nurturance.” As a sub, your dom should be “a person who — no matter how they choose to pleasure you, or what props you use, or what story you’re going to use as a motivator for that erotic scene — is very aware of your wellbeing and is attuned to what it is that you’re after sexually and erotically.”

“To use the archetypal image of submission, it doesn’t have to be on your knees somewhere, or you looking up,” Luterman says. “The scene may actually look dominant; a woman who’s been afraid of getting on top all her life, maybe because she’s a bigger woman, may actually feel great pride in feeling nurtured into her pleasure, and moved by the person beneath her, who’s a really good dominant.”

Other misconceptions about BDSM abound: Subs don’t solely give pleasure while doms receive it; the pleasure-giving should be mutual, even if it looks imbalanced from the outside. Also, sub/dom relationships do not have to incorporate sadism or masochism — or include pain at all — unless all partners are aroused by it.

Subs Need Clear Boundaries


Despite popular depictions, sub/dom relationships don’t follow a formula; a sub needs to first determine for themselves how they want to submit — and what their boundaries are — before they can start practicing with a partner.

Luterman says the first step to incorporating submission into your relationship is to communicate your desire to play with power in your sex life. Tell your partner you want to see what it feels like to not be allowed to do things, or to not allow them to do things. If your partner is receptive, the next step is learning how to articulate the fantasy you have in your head. She suggests asking yourself what it is you want, how you want to be seen by your partner, and what you can take from past sexual experiences to fuel your next encounter.

Similarly, Johnson tells clients in the early stages of experimenting with submission to identify the power that they have and the power they’d like to relinquish.

“Is it your body? What parts of your body?” she asks. “Is it your mind? What aspects of your psyche do you want to offer to your partner? By creating that framework, it allows dominants and submissives to be safe, and the submissive is now prepared to do some work.”

Without putting in that work beforehand, Johnson says the sub/dom encounter will fail. “If I ask a submissive, ‘What are your boundaries?’ and they go, ‘I don’t have any boundaries’ or ‘do whatever you want,’ that’s a red flag for a dominant. You have to develop those boundaries. A dominant won’t create those for you.”

Johnson says by practicing submission without a clear idea of your own needs, you’re not only setting yourself up for a less fulfilling exchange, but you’re putting yourself in danger. “What we don’t want is for a submissive to go into a dynamic where they say ‘I don’t have any boundaries’ but they end up discovering those boundaries by crossing them,” she says. “Those boundaries get created for you out of bad things happening. So self-exploration is important.”

Before you take your sub/dom fantasy to a partner, Johnson recommends familiarizing yourself with your own boundaries and pleasure first — perhaps by way of something she calls “self-domination,” to get an idea of the things you might like.“If I’m doing a session with a client and they say they like to be spanked, I’ll go, ‘Where? How hard?’ And they’re like, ‘I don’t know, whatever you want,’” Johnson says. “So I say go ahead and slap yourself the way you like to be slapped.”

When you do eventually introduce the idea of power play to your partner, Luterman suggests that you take it slow. “Incorporate dress rehearsals where you can dialogue, for example, what parts of your body are absolute ‘no’s; what parts of your body are experimental, ‘let’s see how it goes’ regions; what parts are ‘yes, please,’” she says.

Submission Can Be Freeing

People fantasize about submission for any number of reasons. Luterman says many peopleare drawn to submission because it’s clinically effective in the treatment of anorgasmia. “A lot of girls in their early 20s don’t have partnered orgasms very easily,” Luterman says. “They don’t feel comfortable incorporating vibration yet, or they feel like they’re responsible for their partner’s ego during sex so it has to be all manual.” But, she says, asking a partner to dominate you a bit in the situation can make a massive difference.

“Say something like, ‘If you tell me I’m not allowed to, or restrain my hands a little bit while you give me clitoral stimulation, then I think I may feel less responsibility to make it happen for myself.’”

“If you incorporate a little bit of power play, you reduce the responsibility sense, you reduce the fear that a person has to perform as they feel they’re expected to,” she continues. “There’s going to be an essence of that encounter that’s going to help you get out of your comfort zone and leave you feeling less vulnerable afterwards.”

In this way, the most powerful sub/dom relationships can be transformative. “A good dom will say, ‘You’re going to do this for me. We’re going to take care of you,’” Luterman says. “I see a lot of bold moves come from healthy dominant/submissive relationships.”

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How to Communicate New Sexual Boundaries to Your Partner

By Gigi Engle

Sex and our preferences for certain kinds of sex acts change all the time. This is a fact of life for many people.

What worked for you for years may suddenly not be your thing anymore—and that’s totally OK. Nazanin Moali, Ph.D., a sex therapist and host of the Sexology podcast, tells TheBody that our desires are the product of a variety of bio-psycho-social systems. “Since these systems are always evolving, it is only expected for human desires and preferences to change, as well,” she explains.

But how do you share this with a partner? For example, maybe you’re super into spanking—and then one day you realize you’re not so into spanking anymore.

There aren’t any guidelines on how you let a partner in on this information. Like, “Hey, babe. You know how I love when you hit my ass so hard you leave marks? Yeah, I hate that now.” Not so cute-sounding, huh? This applies to all sexual activities. Maybe you’re a bottom and now you’d like to be a top (or verse), perhaps you used to enjoy a certain kind of pattern during oral and now don’t, or perhaps you used to enjoy rough sex and now you aren’t as comfortable with that dynamic. This is all boundary-related.

We need to build a language to have these conversations with empathy and respect to avoid rejection, hurt feelings, and feeling ignored—or even violated.

While this article may sound like it’s geared more toward people who are in sexual/romantic relationships (as these are usually the types of relationships that need this kind of re-negotiation), all of these guidelines can be used for all kinds of relationships. No matter the type of relationship you’re currently in, we all need this information. The reality is, as with all things related to sexuality, boundaries are fluid and shift all the time.

In September, we published a five-step guide to communicating with a partner. Here’s how to communicate with your partner about new sexual boundaries when you’ve found they’ve changed.

1. Consider the Impact Staying Silent Can Have on You and the Relationship.

If you’re feeling anxious about discussing your new boundaries, remember that keeping this under lock and key could be incredibly detrimental to your relationship and personal well-being—no matter how casual or serious the relationship itself is. “If you continue to engage in an activity that you no longer enjoy, it will impact your enthusiasm around sex and, in turn, your relationship,” Moali says.

What’s more, you could wind up feeling violated. When we engage in sex we don’t want, it begins to erode our sense of safety. This can lead to bigger issues in our lives, such as anxiety and depression. Don’t fall into this trap. Speaking up is a must.

2. Obtain Consent for the Conversation.

Kristen Tribby, a certified sex educator and head of marketing and education at FUN FACTORY, advises couples who don’t regularly discuss sex as part of their communication practice to consider opening the conversation to a general discussion of sex to get comfortable with the topic.

However, to do this ethically, you need permission to initiate such a vulnerable discussion. The way to ask? Try: “Are you in a place right now to discuss our sex life? I think it would be really beneficial for us to have a check-in.”

Once you feel comfortable talking about sex openly, you can get into the meatier topic of boundaries. Boundaries aren’t necessarily “difficult” to talk about, we simply don’t have as much practice discussing them as we do, say, how our dickhead boss is being a dickhead again.

3. Have the Conversation Outside of the Bedroom.

Conversations about sex shouldn’t take place during sex. This is a golden rule for getting what you want in the bedroom. Why? Because being naked and sexy with someone is very vulnerable. The last thing you want to hear is something negative.

Consequently, Moali suggests keeping discussions about all things sex outside of the bedroom.

Make sure to figure out a convenient time and place so that everyone can be prepared and ready to go. “Oftentimes, people bring up the conversation at a time [when] their partner is preoccupied or in a rush. This jeopardizes their chance of being heard,” Moali says.

4. Having the Talk: Start With the Positive Things, Then Move on to the More Loaded Topics.

Being in a relationship (serious or otherwise) requires taking any conversation about sex with a heavy dose of empathy. We’re all just humans who are doing our best. The thing is, your partner won’t be aware that your boundaries have changed unless you tell them, because they are not a mind reader. However, it would be irresponsible to say that there is no way they won’t react negatively to this topic because it’s both loaded and can feel like a personal attack in a world so devoid of basic sexuality education.

So, to mitigate the possibility of hurt feelings, Tribby suggests starting with the positive aspects of your sex life before hitting your partner with newfound boundaries. You might start by saying: “I like it when you [do] X thing” or “It was so sexy when you did X.”

Then, focus on the things you’d like to change. “Make your comment on the thing you don’t like, [focusing] your attention on the act and not on the person or their technique,” Tribby says.

Two simple ways to approach the topic of boundaries, compliments of Tribby:

  • “You know, I think I’m not into spanking anymore, but I’m really into that new thing you did to me the other night.”
  • “Spanking isn’t really my thing anymore, but I think it would be fun to try something new, like XYZ.”

Lastly, invite the person to share their own ideas on things that would be hot for both of you. Compromise is always key when it comes to having great sex.

5. Set Up Monthly “Sexual Health Dates.”

Once you establish a way into these discussions, turn it into a habit. Sexual wellness is as important in relationships as anything else, yet we tend to throw it right on the old back burner the minute life gets rocky.

Moali suggests making a monthly check-in a must-have, even going so far as to have it set in stone on the Google calendar. “During these dates, couples can discuss what is working for them, what they want more of, and what activities are not giving them pleasure anymore,” she explains. “If you get into the habit of checking in with each other on a regular basis, it will be easier long term to give and receive honest feedback.”

“Sexual relationships thrive on clear communication, so this could be a good chance to grow even closer,” Tribby says.

Communication is lubrication, friends. And if you clearly communicate your boundaries and your partner refuses to respect them, well, then it’s time to say “Bye, bye, boo!”

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The Search for Gay Genes

— Should Queer People Support It?

Efforts from scientists trying to identify “gay genes” are part of a longstanding, problematic tradition of research focused on how minority groups are genetically different.

by and

To many of us, the attractions of gay sex are pretty obvious. But some scientists continue to wonder why people do it. If gay sex isn’t reproductive, why hasn’t natural selection weeded out all the queers? Why, after all this evolutionary time, isn’t everybody straight?

Increasingly, people think that sexuality is biologically innate. Sexual preferences shouldn’t be changed and they can’t be, simple as that. Per the famous Gaga refrain, we are “born this way.” Indeed, scientists may have helped to promote these beliefs. Some say not only that genes largely decide your sexuality, but also that genes help to explain why gay people exist at all.

Case in point: A recent paper published in Nature Human Behavior looked to see whether genes associated with having gay sex are also associated with having more reproductive sex. Specifically, its scientists were curious whether ‘gay genes’ in straight people could help straight people to have sex with more partners. They found that they do, as the genetic markers found in gay people were also found in those who see themselves as open to new experiences and risk-takers. In a nutshell, gay genes may exist because they help straight people get over their inhibitions and get laid more. This might explain why evolution hasn’t gotten round to pruning away the gays yet.

At this point, you might be laughing like us. But on a serious note, this study isn’t a one-off for this research team. In 2019, the same team published a study in Science about genes associated with ever having had gay sex. The study was highly publicized, receiving coverage from Nature, NYTimes, NPR and Slate. Outlets, quoting the study’s authors, proclaimed it to sound the death knell of the ‘gay gene.’

Far from doing that, the study shifted from searching for a single gay gene to looking for many gay genes. Like the recent Nature Human Behavior study, the 2019 Science study was a ‘genome-wide association study’ (GWAS). Using fancy statistics, the latest technologies, and a massive data set involving half a million people, the 2019 study concluded that there are five genes significantly associated with ever having had gay sex, and that the cumulative effects of thousands of genes might help to explain differences in sexual behavior. In other words, while the ‘gay gene’ might be dead, long live the ‘gay genome.’

Genetic research on sexuality and other complex behavior traits is growing fast. Some LGBTQ+ advocates claim it shows that being gay is “natural” and “not a choice,” and that the proliferation of sexual genetic research is something to straightforwardly celebrate.

However, we think the implications of this research are far more complicated. While both the Nature Human Behavior and Science studies were conducted by LGBTQ+ scientists with good intentions, they join a longstanding and problematic tradition of research focused on showing how minority groups are genetically different.

gay-genes-is-homosexuality-a-choice
A celebration in San Francisco after the Supreme Court decided same-sex couples were entitled to federal benefits in June 2013.

Genetic research on homosexuality began in earnest in the 1990s. Scientists claimed that genes on the X chromosomes are associated with male homosexuality. Long before then, ‘eugenics,’ or social movements to control human reproduction in order to increase the “fitness” of national populations, played a role in the oppression of gay people. Eugenics research reached its peak in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, leading to the forced sterilization and genocide of not only queer people, but also Jewish and disabled peoples in Nazi Germany, and largely Black, brown and immigrant peoples in the U.S. Even after the second world war, eugenic policies and movements continued to haunt LGBTQ+ communities. 

Today, most research agrees that a person’s sexuality is formed through a combination of social, biological and environmental factors. Yet many across the political spectrum continue to describe sexual preferences as biologically innate and fixed at birth. Some researchers suggest that those who believe sexual preferences are inborn tend to have more tolerant attitudes towards gay men and lesbians.

Others argue that “born this way” doesn’t actually increase people’s tolerance of sexual minorities. Instead, it is used to rationalize whatever beliefs people already have about sexuality, whether conservative or liberal. On one hand, it has helped to defend beliefs that queer people are less biologically fit, and therefore appropriate targets for reproductive control. On the other hand, “born this way” arguments have lent considerable support to LGBTQ+ advocacy. Campaigns to legally ban conversion therapy, a form of medical abuse that seeks to change someone’s sexual orientation, have successfully used “born this way” rhetoric to strengthen their cases.

In any event, increasing ‘tolerance’ towards queer people isn’t the goal. Instead of being tolerated, queer people should be fully accepted, embraced and celebrated. Feminist scholar Suzanna Walters reminds us that attitudes of tolerance towards sexual minorities may do more harm than good by implicitly othering them. It is telling that while there has long been a search for a gay gene, “no one is looking for a straight gene.” Scientists feel no need to explain the existence of straight people because it is assumed that straight people belong. By contrast, sexual minorities need an evolutionary rationale in order to belong.

Political scientist Joanna Wuest also notes that despite helping to ban conversion therapy, “born this way” arguments sometimes conflict with queer people’s own experiences. Many radical queers consider their sexual identity to be a choice entwined with their politics. Meanwhile, those with fluid identities and those who’ve questioned their sexuality for a long time have a hard time identifying with a picture of sexuality as stable, fixed, and innate. As political scientist Nina Hagel writes, “born this way” may uphold “untenable ideals of self-knowledge.” It may force people to get trapped on a side or pick a side before they are ready to.

Scientists feel no need to explain the existence of straight people because it is assumed that straight people belong. By contrast, sexual minorities need an evolutionary rationale in order to belong.

Soon after the publication of the 2019 Science study, an app claiming to be based on the study was developed that offered a “How Gay Are You?” genetic test through the online genetic prediction platform GenePlaza. We already see technology being developed that allows parents to pick embryos based on the embryos’ genomes and associated health risks. It is therefore not a far stretch of the imagination to also worry that genetic research on sexuality could eventually be used to develop tools to screen for and eliminate ‘gay embryos.’ 

We’re not saying that scientists should avoid researching sexuality. Many of us are understandably curious about where our desires come from, and science can help us to better understand each other as long as their research meets high standards. We are saying there’s no guarantee that today’s search for a gay genome will support queer liberation. Believing sexuality to be biologically innate might lead some to see LGBTQ+ people as biologically unfit. It’s difficult to know, as the political consequences of science are often complexly dependent on historical context. But for every person who uses “born this way” to win legal battles for gay rights, we know there is someone else who uses it to paint gay people as bad seeds of the human race.

Queer people should not uncritically celebrate research that gives new life to “born this way” arguments. Genetic research on sexuality is still in progress (and at this stage, a little laughable). Regardless, even if there is strong evidence we have yet to see, the idea that being gay is natural doesn’t guarantee the procurement of gay rights. It’s high time we moved the fight for LGBTQ+ recognition and survival away from the ‘nature versus nurture’ debate and into new directions. Millennials may have worshipped Lady Gaga, but many of us are ready to chant a new slogan.

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Rare photos kept secret for over a century

When Hugh Nini and Neal Treadwell stumbled across a photo from the 1920s of two men in a tender embrace they thought it was one-of-a-kind. But things changed when they found more photographs. The result of their unexpected discovery is a moving book, portraying male romance over the course of a century.

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Do You Hide Your True Self While Dating?

When dating interracially, some Black people say that code-switching, a common practice of adapting the way they look, speak or act in different social settings, comes as second nature.

Remy Barnwell struggled with being her authentic self when she first started dating her boyfriend Ben Podnar in 2020. She concealed her afro for 6 months before sharing her natural hair texture with Mr. Podnar.

By Brianna Holt

Last September, when Remy Barnwell, 26, started dating Ben Podnar, who is white, she was hesitant to wear her hair in its natural state. As a Black woman, she was uncertain of how he would respond to her tightly coiled strands.

On her first date with Mr. Podnar, Ms. Barnwell, a tax attorney in Washington, D.C., arrived wearing box braids that concealed her natural Afro. Six months would pass before she let Mr. Podnar see her kinky coils.

“I definitely noticed the first time she took her braids out and I remember her being very concerned about how I would feel,” said Mr. Podnar, 29, an audience development director for the Center for American Progress in Washington.

Ms. Barnwell, who said straightening her hair since childhood “reinforced the idea that my natural hair was not enough,” was pleasantly surprised at Mr. Podnar’s response to her Afro. “At first I was really nervous, but he was immediately obsessed with it, which was a relieving and satisfying moment,” she said.

“I know a lot of people in her life have criticized her tight coils, so it’s especially been nice getting to see her feel that attraction from me no matter how she wears her hair,” added Mr. Podnar, who said he likes all of the different ways Ms. Barnwell styles her hair.

Hair isn’t the only thing Ms. Barnwell said she has toned down when getting to know someone who is not Black. She won’t play soul music, wears clothes that don’t expose her curves and avoids using African American Vernacular English, commonly known as Ebonics, in conversations.

“I also wore my Birkenstocks to my first date with Ben, which I’d never wear on a first date with a nonwhite man,” Ms. Barnwell said.

The alteration of hairstyles, clothes, and interests in order to gain social acceptance and limit the risk of falling victim to bias is a form of code-switching, a term that refers to the common practice of adapting or altering speech, dialect, look or behavior depending on the social setting.

Ms. Barnwell and other Black people say code-switching is common when they date interracially because first impressions determine if a second date is in the cards.

Joseph Lamour, 38, a journalist and illustrator who lives in Washington, said it wasn’t until a white boyfriend confronted him about his change in vernacular that he realized he altered his speech.

“We were driving to Boston and got a little lost, so I asked a Black person on the corner for directions,” said Mr. Lamour, who is Black. When he rolled his car’s window back up, Mr. Lamour said his then-boyfriend, a white man, asked why his voice changed when he spoke to the man. “I hadn’t even noticed I did it, but then he did an impression of it and it all came full circle,” he said, and added: “It’s kind of like a job interview where you sort of make yourself more corporate-sounding in order to seem more standard so that a second date can happen.”

Mr. Lamour, who said he mostly dates white men, later realized he code-switches in other ways when meeting someone who isn’t Black for the first time. “When I’m going on a first date, I consciously put on clothes that make me appear to be a Don Lemon-type instead of a 50 Cent-type — even though I have both types of clothing,” he said.

For Black people and other minority groups, code-switching is a way of existing within multiple worlds at once by repressing their authentic selves while playing up behavior seen as acceptable by a majority.

While a person of any race may adapt their authentic self to make a good impression on a date, this switch in behavior is often more prominent in interracial or interethnic relationships.

“The greater the perceived distance, cultural difference, or racial difference between the two people involved, the more code switching is likely to occur,” said Kathleen Gerson, a sociologist and professor at N.Y.U.

Breuna Westry, 24, who lives in Austin, Texas, and works as an assistant marketing director for Clinical Compensation Consultants, said she mostly dates white men. Originally from New Orleans, Ms. Westry, who is Black, said she uses a vocabulary that is authentic to the Black community in her hometown. However, she said she consciously changes her vocabulary when going on a date with someone who isn’t Black.

“The slang is ingrained in me. I say things like ‘yes’m’ which is a total Southern, Black country term,” Ms. Westry said. “But sometimes I feel that I wouldn’t necessarily use certain phrases around the white guys I date.”

She said her mother’s use of Southern slang has also made her anxious about introducing her family to that of a prospective partner who isn’t Black.

“My mom is in her 60s and old-school, from Mobile, Alabama,” said Ms. Westry. “She feels comfortable in the way that she talks and I would never want somebody to judge her intellect level or anything based on that, because my mom’s a smart nurse.”

In the United States, the application of code-switching outside of linguistics is historically and culturally Black.

In his book “The Souls of Black Folk,” first published in 1903, W.E.B. Dubois described such behavior as “a peculiar sensation, this double-consciousness, this sense of always looking at one’s self through the eyes of others, of measuring one’s soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity.”

But it wasn’t until the 1970s that Black academics began using the term code-switching to describe their interactions and relationships with white people.

Shan Boodram, a Los Angeles-based sex and relationship educator, who is Black, Indian, and white, said many Black Americans see code-switching as an obligation, rather than a choice.

“Code-switching is speaking specifically to Black people who have to assimilate, or feel that they have to assimilate, to white culture in order to receive success,” Ms. Boodram said, including “a romantic potential with somebody” who is white.

“There are so many negative stereotypes associated with blackness: if you dress a certain way, look a certain way, or if your hair is a certain way, you get lumped into what is perceived as ‘urban culture,’ and that’s not seen as professional,” Ms. Boodram added. “And maybe for some people, that’s not seen as the person that you want to bring home to mom.”

Black women in particular resort to code-switching when dating because of the bias they often face, a result of being stereotyped as angry and discontent, hypersexualized and lacking positive representation in TV and film. This bias has led to Black women being the least contacted on dating apps and facing the most racial and sexual discrimination in online dating settings.

“If we’re talking about interracial dating, specifically about Black women, they might ask, ‘Do I feel comfortable with showing myself to this person that maybe has their own preconceived notions about Black women? Is there some eroticism or thoughts around what it means to date me as a person?’” said Camille Lester, a relationship therapist based in New York, who is Black.

“Everybody, when they’re dating, puts on some type of mask and then the longer you’re with someone, or the closer you allow yourself to get, you take off pieces of that mask,” Ms. Barnwell said, adding: “It’s especially difficult to take off pieces of that mask when you’re a Black woman because we’re already the least appreciated.”

While code-switching might be the thing that gets someone a second date, those who acknowledge doing it said it wasn’t a long-term strategy. Mr. Lamour said that, lately, he has been interested in dating only people who are comfortable with his authentic self.

“I’ve been getting more comfortable with myself and therefore the person that I’m going to be with is going to have to be comfortable with me, because I am,” he said.

Ms. Barnwell had a similar realization. “I finally got to a place where I didn’t really want to spend the time or money to get my hair braided again,” she said of the moment she decided to let Mr. Podnar see her natural hair. “I was like, ‘OK, am I going to let my white boyfriend see me with my Afro?’ And I really had to tell myself this was dumb, and if he sees me in my Afro and he hates it, then we simply should just break up.”

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