— 3 things vanilla couples can learn from the kink community
- A sexologist said her kinky clients do a lot more planning around sex than the vanilla ones.
- Shamrya Howard told Insider non-kinky couples can learn a lot from those who are kinkier.
- Tips include frequent communication and starting foreplay for the next round at the end of sex.
You might think that kinky sex is as spontaneous as it is unconventional. But a sexologist told Insider that her kinky clients do a lot more planning than those who are more vanilla when it comes to sex, and that groundwork pays off in a way that we could all benefit from.
Shamyra Howard, a licensed clinical social worker and AASECT-certified sex therapist, realized that it was her kinkier clients who tended to discuss and plan their sexual encounters, even though scheduling sex is commonly seen as a marker of a stale sex life, and that this made having sex easier and better.
Here are three things that Howard thinks the kink community does that could improve sex for non-kinky couples.
Scheduling time for sex
Kinky sex often requires some forward planning and organization, because it can involve other people, locations outside of the home, and specific equipment. For example, you might schedule a “playdate” or “play party” to have sex with another couple, or need a costume and a free house for roleplay.
Some couples might just engage in sexual play or a kink rather than any sex acts during this scheduled time, Howard said, which allows them to be intimate without the pressure of sex and helps “to keep each other warm, until it’s time to heat each other all the way up.”
This can in turn improve sex when it does happen, because it allows partners to prepare emotionally and physically, which can make sex more enjoyable, she said.
If scheduling sex sounds too formal, Howard previously told Insider that “erotic time zones” are a less rigid way of letting your partner know when you might be up for sex.
Practicing aftercare
Aftercare involves checking in with each other after sex or play to make sure everyone was comfortable, and attending to your partners’ needs so the experience has a fulfilling end. Kinky couples who practice things such as BDSM using ropes and whips might need to tend to cuts and bruises after sex too, or it might be necessary to have some affection and conversation to reset from a consensually aggressive scenario.
But any couple can benefit from aftercare, even if it’s just fetching the other person a heated blanket or tea if they like to feel warmth after sex, Howard said.
“Aftercare can be a game changer for couples who struggle with a desire discrepancy or couples who don’t feel as connected in their sexual relationship,” Howard said, referring to a mismatch in times when different partners want sex. This is because aftercare can help partners feel closer emotionally after sex, even if they haven’t been so connected outside of the bedroom.
Howard said: “Foreplay begins at the end of your last sexual encounter, so aftercare prepares you for your next sexual experience.”
‘Using your mouth’ to communicate more about sex
Kink culture is very hot on consent and communication — for example, safe words are used to signal when something is too rough and there can be strict rules around touching at play parties.
Howard said that her kinkier clients are often therefore much better at talking about sex. “They have to have more open communication because it’s built into the negotiation of their kinks,” she said.
Plus, you can easily incorporate discussing what you enjoyed into aftercare, to make sex better next time.
“Use your mouth,” Howard said, “figure out what your partner likes, whether that’s kinky or not. That’s going to be the key to having better sex.”
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