Month: January 2023

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Yes, Online Dating Works For Seniors

— 18 Tips For Success

By Kelly Gonsalves

People can sometimes assume that dating sites and dating apps are exclusively for young people. In reality, people of all ages can benefit from the convenience of dating apps—including seniors.

If you’re new to the world of online dating, here are some of the top online dating tips for seniors to keep in mind.

Does online dating work for seniors?

Online dating can be an effective, streamlined way for seniors to meet potential partners, and many people in their 50s, 60s, 70s, and above have found love online. According to one 2020 report from the Pew Research Center, around 16% of people over 50 in America have used a dating site or app, and one in 10 U.S. adults have been in a committed relationship or married someone they met online.

“Mature daters often find that online dating increases their pool of potential daters,” Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of Date Smart, tells mbg. “And for those who are working from home or retired, online dating and dating apps can replace the pool of possible candidates who may have naturally been encountered in the workplace.”

She also adds that single seniors often know exactly what type of partner and relationship they’re looking for, and dating apps can help easily filter out partners who aren’t a fit and funnel in more well-suited candidates.

The biggest barrier to online dating as a senior is often simply getting used to the technology and the digital culture around dating apps and sites. “Not being digital natives, many mature daters are wary of online dating and dating apps simply because they are not comfortable with engaging with people they’ve not met organically,” Manly adds. While it’s a fair concern, it’s helpful to remember that dating sites are just the connection point—once you exchange a few messages, you’re encouraged to move to meeting up in real life to get that organic get-to-know-you process.

And if the tech itself is a pain point, Manly recommends asking a tech-savvy friend or your adult kids to help you choose a site, set up your profile, and sort through candidates. “Once the fear factor is reduced, many mature daters find that they actually find the process achievable—if not enjoyable.”

Best dating sites for over 50:

1. eharmony

One of the oldest and most reputable dating sites around, eharmony is often lauded as one of the best dating apps for seniors. “It has a proven history of success, and they consistently improve their site and are well known for helping couples reach long-term relationships,” couples’ therapist Kyle Zrenchik, Ph.D., LMFT, ACS, previously told mbg.

When you first sign up, eharmony will take you through a lengthy questionnaire to learn about your personality, lifestyle, and relationship preferences so that it can show only the most relevant potential matches to you. It’s a great option for those who know exactly what they’re looking for and want to connect with similarly intentional people. (We have a full eharmony review if you want to learn more.)

2. OurTime

OurTime is a dating app made specifically for people over 50 to connect with each other. While the interface is not a glitzy as some of the other more mainstream dating apps, OurTime is effective at what it claims to do: help seniors make new romantic connections. “I have had friends, family, and clients use it with success. My uncle met his long-term partner on OurTime, and a former client also met his partner on OurTime,” certified sex therapist Heather Shannon, LCPC, CST, previously told mbg.

3. Tinder

Yes, Tinder can be a great dating app even for the older crowd. People in their 50s, 60s, and 70s all use Tinder, and it’s actually a great option for seniors because it’s free and easy to set up compared to the more “serious” dating apps. If you’re a beginner to online dating, Tinder can be a great place to start dipping your toes in the water. While the app does have a reputation for more casual dating, many people have found their lifelong partners on Tinder.

Top online dating tips for seniors:

Ready to dive in? Online dating does have its own culture around it, including unspoken norms, expectations, and rituals people typically use as they meet and get to know each other. To succeed on dating apps, keep these top online dating rules in mind:

1. Create an authentic profile.

When making your profile, showcase who you are and be upfront about what you’re looking for from online dating. “Create an authentic profile that represents who you are as a person, the qualities you are seeking in a partner, and the type of relationship you ultimately want (e.g., marriage, short-term dating, etc.),” Manly recommends. “An inauthentic profile may deter potential partners or, on the other hand, attract partners who aren’t a good fit.”

2. Don’t lie about your age.

It may seem like a small fib, but lying about your age sets up any relationship you form on a foundation of dishonesty. When this person finds out your real age—and they will, eventually—it can feel like a massive betrayal of trust.

This also includes using up-to-date photos. “Take care that your photos represent you as you are now; avoid using photos taken more than two years ago,” says Manly.

3. Take some good photos.

Speaking of photos, take some good ones if you don’t have any already! “Make sure that your profile pictures represent you in a positive, upbeat way,” Manly recommends. “No matter your age, a warm and smiling face is always inviting.”

A few good rules of thumb are to take photos that are clear and high-quality (not blurry), without a lot of background clutter or other focal points (cats, children, etc.), she adds. You should be the focus of these photos.

4. Take initiative.

Don’t be afraid to send out introductory messages to people you’re interested. This applies to people of all genders, too. In the world of dating apps, being assertive and engaged is the name of the game. When people are sifting through so many profiles, the people who stick out are the ones who go out of their way to start up conversations, respond in a timely fashion, and generally make you feel special.

5. Meet in person sooner rather than later.

“Although it’s important to connect via messaging or phone until you feel comfortable, don’t delay and in-person meeting for too long; what feels like a great connection online doesn’t always translate into a great real-life fit,” Manly says.

6. Be patient.

Just like good ol’ fashioned courtship from the days of yore, online dating takes time. It takes time to get your profile to a place that feels thorough and authentic, it takes time getting the swing of online dating culture, and it takes time to find someone who you’re interested in getting to know who’s also interested in getting to know you. Not every interaction you have on a dating site or app will blow your socks off, and you’re not going to feel sparks on every first date.

“Be patient and persevere,” Manly says. “It’s natural to find online dating a bit daunting, but there’s a great deal of truth in the old axiom that you sometimes need to (metaphorically) kiss a lot of toads to find the right partner.”

7. Enjoy the process.

You’ll get the most out of your dating experience if you go in with an open mind and a light heart. There’s so much joy, excitement, and curiosity to be had in getting to know an intriguing stranger and galivanting about town for dates. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself (or anyone you meet), and enjoy the process. Even when you encounter people who are not the right fit, gracefully let them go, keep your head up, and keep it moving.

How to stay safe when online dating as a senior:

Practicing online dating safety is vital for everyone but especially for seniors, who may be more likely to be targeted by scammers and frauds. While online dating scams can take many forms, one of the most common is someone matching with you with a very desirable profile, enthusiastically connecting with you, and then asking you for money in some way or form.

“Although some issues can be detected by staying aware, there are dating charlatans who are so practiced that it’s difficult to detect their toxic ways early on,” Manly notes. “If you get scammed, know that it’s not your fault. Use the experience to improve your dating savviness.”

Here are a few safety measures to adopt while online dating:

1. Never transfer money to someone you haven’t met in person.

Many online dating scams involve getting you to send money to a person you think you’re developing a romantic connection with. For example, a person you’ve been talking to from a dating site or app suddenly says they’re having a financial emergency and asks if you can help them out by wiring them some money, putting money on a gift card, or sending some cash through Venmo or PayPal. Don’t fall for it. If anyone asks you for money before you’ve even met in person, it’s likely a scam.

2. Protect your personal and financial information.

Never share any personal information that can be used to access your finances or identity, such as your:

  • Banking information
  • Credit card information
  • Social security number
  • Work or home address
  • Last name
  • Phone number

Yes, it’s recommended to keep even your phone number private until you’ve met the person in real life or at least had a video call to confirm that they are who the say are. Until then, keep communication on the dating app or site where you originally connected.

3. Screen your matches carefully.

When you match with a new person on a dating site, Manly recommends screening their profile and messages very carefully. According to the Federal Trade Commission, scammers will often say they’re currently traveling abroad or otherwise have a job that prevents them from meeting up with you in person, such as working on an oil rig, being in the military, or working for an international organization. They may also use disjointed language, answer questions vaguely, or have profiles on various dating sites under different names.

“Pay close attention to details that don’t match up,” Manly adds. “Don’t hesitate to report any suspected fraud; customer service staff are generally very helpful and supportive as they want to protect consumers.”

4. Set up a video call or meetup early.

Try to meet up in person or at least hop on a video call sooner rather than later after matching with someone on a dating app. This way, you can make sure the photos match up to the person you’re meeting in real life. If a person keeps avoiding meeting up with you in person and refuses video calls, that’s a red flag.

5. Be wary of love bombing.

Love bombing is when someone starts to becoming way too romantic and affectionate with you way too soon. This is usually done to make you feel closer to them and make you more likely to acquiesce when they make requests for money or private information. Be wary if someone seems overly attached to you before they’ve even had a chance to meet you in person.

6. Meet up in public places.

You’ll also want to keep safety in mind on any dates you go on from a dating app, but especially first dates. Manly recommends picking a public place such as a coffee shop, as these are generally safe and have other people in the vicinity.

7. Designate a safety buddy.

Manly recommends leaning on a trusted friend or family member who can help you vet profiles and people objectively. When you’re going on a date, let this person know who you’re meeting, when, and where, so they can keep tabs on you and make sure you get home safe.

The takeaway.

Online dating works for people of all ages, including seniors. They can be an excellent way of widening your dating pool, especially if you don’t have many opportunities to meet new people in your day-to-day life.

“It’s natural to want to meet a partner organically, but our social groups are often far more disconnected than they were even 25 years ago,” says Manly. “And although you might hear complaints or a few horror stories about online dating, there are plenty of successful matches that began in the online world.”

Exercise thoughtful online dating safety measures, be yourself, and be patient. You never know who you’ll meet.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why do hardly any straight men write about sex and dating?

— Men do think about matters of the heart, but writing about it publicly could be seen as undignified

‘There’s a sense of reading tea leaves about dating men, but maybe men are just less interested in reading those tea leaves.’

By

For every date a heterosexual woman goes on there is, for better or worse, a man there. But while women produce a wide and varied literature about this experience, from dating columns to films, there is hardly any personal writing by straight men about their sex, dating and relationship lives at all. There’s Karl Ove Knausgård. But you could list women writing in this genre for hours. Nora Ephron, Anaïs Nin, bell hooks, Elizabeth Gilbert, Dolly Alderton, Candace Bushnell, and so on.

Men date. Men fall in love. So where is the writing from men about these experiences? There are a few basic dating and sex advice columns aimed at straight men. Rhys Thomas writes Hey Man for Vice, Justin Myers wrote one at GQ for a while. Perhaps this is the masculine mode: anonymously ask a question, get a straight answer. Elsewhere, it feels like affairs of the heart are snuck into writing directed at straight men like vegetables into a child’s dinner. A recent New York Times article about the podcaster Scott Galloway noted that he smuggled relationship content into advice about career paths. And of course, as so many young men are doing of late, you can dive headlong into the cesspit of woman hacking, care of professed misogynist Andrew Tate. But that isn’t exactly what I had in mind.

It may be that the only group of people gagging for a dating column by a straight man are the women who date them. I know that men have fascinating thoughts about their romantic lives, and I love talking to my straight male friends about it. Recently I’ve been talking to them about the difference between what a man “settling” and a woman “settling” might look like; someone’s theory that culture has massively overstated the degree to which straight men want to have sex; someone else’s that straight men are talking about a different experience when they use the term “heartbreak” than women are, and so on.

When I asked them why they think the straight man relationship writing genre doesn’t exist, they were unanimously of the view that it just wouldn’t work. “I would see a dating column by a straight dude as undignified,” one said. “If it’s going well, it comes off braggy and vulgar, and if it’s going poorly, stop whinging in print.” So maybe it’s not surprising that a lot of male writers wouldn’t touch this subject with a bargepole. “Paradoxically, the sort of men who have the insight and sensitivity to write well about that experience preclude themselves from doing it exactly because of the sensitivity and awareness that would make their writing insightful,” another friend argued.

There are reasons to do with the history of this particular literary form, as well. It may be that, for a number of fair reasons, women are allowed to denigrate men in print, but not the other way around. “I think some of the things I get away with saying about men would seem a bit gross from guys, because of the obvious power imbalance,” Annie Lord, British Vogue’s dating columnist, told me. Women can write about dating because on a heterosexual date, society generally accepts that women are the underdogs.

Men are, in fact, talking about their sex and dating problems, but they’re not doing it in the media under their names. It’s happening anonymously on places like Reddit. A lot of this stuff is toxic garbage, yes, but plenty of it isn’t. The question may be more why no man has stepped forward to do this under his own name, in public.

Do I think a trailblazing men’s dating column is going to suddenly solve the so-called crisis in male emotional communication? No. And I confess to feeling a bit sorry for straight men in this regard. I love the way women talk freely about this stuff. But not even an imagined – and it seems pretty impossible – golden age of personal writing by men is going to force straight guys into hand-holding, tear-shedding summits with their friends when the truth seems to be that, whether for societal or biological or whatever reasons, they don’t want to.

Would many straight men even read this fabled column? Again, I asked some friends. “I probably wouldn’t be interested in reading a column by some dude cos I’d just think, well, that’s him I guess. I can’t imagine finding it useful or applying it to me in any way.”

Which made me question, what do women get out of reading dating and relationship columns? I like reading dating columns mostly because I’m nosy. But I do also think there’s something about reading other women’s experiences out there in the trenches of dating men that can feel reassuring, like talking in the “no boys allowed” treehouse. And it’s nice to go to the treehouse, so it’s sad to me that boys don’t have one of their own. Maybe some brave man will find a way to build it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What It Really Means To Be Sex Positive

— And Why It Matters

It’s all about compassion for yourself AND others.

By Lexi Inks

Even though you’ve probably heard people talking about sex positivity online or in your own social circles, the concept is more complex than just enjoying sex, or trying to ditch shame. While there’s an entire history and movement behind it, actually embracing a sex-positive lifestyle and mindset can be very personal and nuanced.

That said, experts like board-certified sexologist and sex therapist Gloria Brame, PhD, are quick to note that the idea is all about a sense of understanding and levity regarding, well, sex. “Sex positivity recognizes that sex is a place of pleasure and emotional relief for consenting adults, not just duty to one’s country or faith. Sex positivity is more of an evidence-based, non-ideological, and non-patriarchal approach to sex,” Brame says.

The history behind the sex positivity movement is long, and the concept leaves a lot of room for personal interpretation and ways to make it feel significant to you. Ahead, experts explain what exactly it means to be sex positive and how you can adopt this new mindset in your own life and relationships.

Meet the Experts:
Gloria Brame, PhD is a sex therapist and certified sexologist based in Athens, GA.

Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD is a professor of sexual communication at California State University, Fullerton and host of the Luvbites by Dr. Tara podcast.

What is the history of the sex positivity movement?

The core values behind sex positivity can be traced back quite a few decades. The ideals of the sexual liberation movement in the 1960s and 70s set up what is now known as the sex positivity movement, according to Brame. She shares that the sex positivity movement was largely inspired by the work of the late Allena Gabosch, a sex educator and advocate for the movement who founded The Center for Sex Positive Culture in 1999.

An important flagship for the movement, the Seattle-based Center for Sex Positive Culture, along with the Center for Sex and Culture in San Francisco, began using the term “sex positive” in the 1990s and promoted the mission of educating and empowering all people about sexuality and how embracing it can change their lives. These community-based spaces still exist today, both physically and digitally, and continue to spread the work started decades ago.

What does it mean to be sex positive?

You’ve probably heard the term thrown around in various capacities, but what does sex positivity mean, exactly? Brame explains that a large part of the term is derived from open-mindedness and acceptance, even when you don’t quite understand it.

“Sex positivity is rejecting the traditional narrative that sex is dirty and shameful and learning to accept it—in all its configurations—as a normal part of a healthy life,” she says. “It means respecting that everyone has a human right to engage in consensual sex, regardless of what type of sex they enjoy… It goes against the Puritanical doctrine that sex is for reproductive purposes only.”

As opposed to kink-shaming, or “yucking” someone’s “yum,” as the saying goes, being sex positive not only involves empowering your own sense of sexual identity, but also withholding judgment or shame regarding that of others.

“[Being] sex positive means being sexually empowered to communicate and make your own informed decisions regarding your sexuality and sexual activity, while keeping a compassionate, non-judgmental attitude about yourself and other people’s sexual attitudes and behaviors,” says Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, professor of sexual communication at California State University Fullerton and host of the Luvbites by Dr. Tara podcast.

Why should I be sex positive?

Empowering yourself and others to embrace your personal sexuality, whatever that looks like, and enjoy pleasure and sexual freedom without shame or negativity is always a good thing. The benefits of being sex positive are countless, so an alternative question might be: Why should you not be sex positive? As long as your sexual choices are safe and consensual, being sex positive can really only help you learn more about yourself and your desires.

Having a sex-positive mindset can not only improve your sex life, but other aspects of your wellbeing, too. Suwinyattichaiporn shares that some of the major benefits to practicing sex positivity are a higher level of sexual self-confidence, communication skills (as far as your boundaries and desires are concerned), reduced anxiety around sex, and even a higher level of sexual satisfaction. All of these “pros” can even be translated to a partner when you’re in a sexual relationship, boosting your intimacy and creating a mutually-fulfilling sex life together.

Releasing shame or stigma around sexuality is anoter massive benefit to becoming sex positive, Brame adds. She notes that whether you’re insecure about your body or your sexual interests, sex positivity can be the best antidote.

“It’s a vital aspect of human self-esteem to feel at home in your body and at peace with your sexuality. With sex-positive attitudes, you become stronger about boundaries and more focused on what actually works for you as an individual—and as a partner,” Brame says. “Being pleasure-based rather than reproductive-based relieves a lot of the pressure of sex and gives you the freedom to be more sexually authentic.”

How can I be more sex positive?

Understanding the overall concept of sex positivity may be relatively simple, but figuring out what being sex positive looks like for you is often easier said than done.

If you’re unsure where to start, Brame suggests leaning into curiosity. “Think about what has worked for you sexually: Have you been too shy to ask for it? To pursue it actively? Why?” she says. “Sexually healthy people ask for what they need to feel great.” Exploring what you really want, what makes you comfortable, and what helps you feel best sexually are the first steps to take.

When you’re ready to embark on your sex-positive journey, Suwinyattichaiporn recommends you begin with talking about sex. Even if you just share your sexual boundaries or preferences, chatting about sex more often with your partner(s) or close friends can lead you to foster a more sex-positive mindset. She also suggests trying out sexual meditations or affirmations; saying things like “I am a great lover” or “I am a sexual being” to yourself can start to shift your perspective and help you gain sexual confidence, which is a huge foundation of sex positivity.

If you’re someone who deals with shame or guilt surrounding sex, whether from a cultural/religious background or otherwise, practicing sex positivity can seem intimidating or even impossible at first. While these are valid feelings, Brame reminds that you’re not alone—shame and guilt around sex are the primary reason many of her sex therapy clients seek her help.

“Shame and discomfort can be hard nuts to crack alone. I recommend reading, going to sex-positive workshops, and working with sex therapists or coaches,” she says. “But you don’t need to have money to win the war against shame inside. Sometimes, what I recommend to clients is that they make choices with their heads and not their hearts.” This can be something as small as using safe sex protocols to ensure you feel fully comfortable and safe making your own sexual choices, which can empower you to continue exploring your desires.

Even if it seems like a big task at first, taking small and steady steps toward becoming more sex positive can only benefit you in the long-term. Whether you choose to enroll in sex therapy, try out kink-friendly spaces and events, or even just talk more about your sexual preferences and desires, the journey you take in promoting sex positivity in your own life just might inspire those around you to do the same—and the more sex-positive people there are, the better.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Don’t Call Me by My Real Name

— As a sex worker, I had to set boundaries with clients that I sometimes couldn’t abide by myself.

By Chris Belcher

Clients love to ask sex workers, “What’s your real name?” It’s a power move. “I know you contain multitudes” is what they mean, “and I have the right to see.” They paid, after all.

The clients who asked this question of me were usually the type who had tricked themselves into believing that we had a personal relationship — a romantic one, or a sexual one they wouldn’t have to pay for had we met under different circumstances.

When clients pried, I liked turning the question back on them.

“John is my real name!” he might say, laughing at the idea that he, unlike me, would have anything to hide.

“John is my real name too,” I might say with a wink.

For the better part of a decade, I was Mistress Natalie, a professional dominatrix. A teasing sense of humor was an asset on the job.

I didn’t always act coy in that situation. Occasionally a client would ask for my real name, and I would answer honestly, telling them that my friends call me Chris. It was a powerless move. “I contain multitudes” is what I meant, “and don’t want you to think this is all I am.”

I told myself that these clients were different — young, like me, or graduate students, like me, or queer women, like me. I needed to believe they could see the me beneath the corsets, fake eyelashes and thigh-high boots.

This was always a bad reason to tell a client my real name. There was rarely a good reason. A fake name is a boundary, and some clients have no problem pushing a sex worker’s boundaries.

I still receive emails from a female client who began pursuing me obsessively after she learned my first name.

“Dear Chris: I’m going to build a house someday, and I hope you’ll live in it with me.”

“Dear Chris: You’re the love of my life.”

“Dear Mistress Natalie: When I first came to you, I was nervous and you made me feel comfortable. As I’ve had time to reflect, I realize that I overstepped my boundaries with you.”

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I try to ignore these messages, but it’s hard. I’m afraid of her. My girlfriend was afraid of her, too. The client sent gifts from my Amazon Wish List, which piled up on our doorstep while I was away.

“Don’t worry, baby,” I said to my girlfriend. “She doesn’t know my last name. She doesn’t know how to find us.” But I didn’t know for sure.

After that girlfriend and I broke up, I was alone in my fear, which came as a relief.

Nearly a decade ago, in a hotel room in a southern city, I met a client who was another graduate student. His name really was John, and John’s Ph.D. would be in computer science. Mine would be in the humanities. This explains why he had money to hire a dominatrix and I had so little that I needed to play one on the side.

When John walked into my room, I thought he was cute. When he told me all he wanted to do was kiss my leather boots, I thought, “Easy money.” When he told me he had a girlfriend, I wondered why he couldn’t kiss her boots for free. (Our culture really does a number on men who are interested in sexual submission.)

“What’s your real name?” John asked after the session.

I didn’t give him the name my friends call me, Chris, but the name my parents gave me, Christina. I told him I was a Ph.D. student like him, studying English. I contain multitudes!

With a little research, he was then able to find my last name.

When I was back home, he texted: “So, Doctor, what happens if I start developing feelings for you and want to see you on a different level?”

I ignored him.

A week later, using my full name, he made it known that he had read my academic articles, something I couldn’t even convince my then girlfriend to do.

My cheeks burned as I read the text, knowing it was my own ego that had lured me into dangerous territory. I told John to call me “Mistress Natalie” but didn’t block his number.

That Christmas, he texted to say that he was in Orange County visiting his parents. When I saw his number flash on my phone, I remembered that he knew my real name and didn’t answer. He left angry voice mails, ranting about how I had stoked his obsession and left him hanging.

“Christina,” he pleaded, “don’t ruin my Christmas.”

I had been working for a few years by the time I met the woman who still sends me the inappropriate emails, but I could have counted the number of female clients I had seen on one hand. I was fine with that. Female clients were more complicated. I had a harder time separating professional from personal. I had a harder time saying “no” when they asked for my real name.

In B.D.S.M. practice, “after care” is important, so I offered hugs to every client at the end of a session. It seemed like the least I could do. With that woman, I let the hugs linger. She could count on four, five cycles of breath before I would pull away. She would take more if I let her.

After our sessions, she would text me to say that the hug was her favorite part.

The last time I saw her, she had shown up to meet me in a hotel lobby — shoeless and strung out, with no money for the session she had booked — in a city where the police were rumored to be doing prostitution stings in high-end hotels.

Professional B.D.S.M. exists in a gray area of the law: It’s not prostitution, the acceptance of money for sex, but only because sex is hard to define. I didn’t think cops running a sting operation were likely to delve into the ambiguities, and I didn’t need an erratic client getting me arrested. I had just defended my dissertation and was about to enter the academic job market. So I gave her cash to get her car out of the hotel parking lot where she had slept and vowed to never see her again.

At the time, I belonged to a sex worker self-defense collective. We spent hours each week drilling strategies to deflect touch. We practiced maneuvers meant to forcibly remove hands from the small of our backs, to break grips on our wrists. We talked about boundaries and how to set them.

It took the collective an hour to persuade me to stop engaging with this woman. After that morning in the hotel lobby, she had threatened to hurt herself if I didn’t see her again, but I had sworn that I wouldn’t.

“I can no longer have contact with you,” I wrote as my support system looked on. “I wish you the best, but you have persisted in contacting me against my wishes.”

I made a friend press “send.” I turned off my phone for 12 hours, afraid of her response. All I could think was: She knows my real name.

Either way, I still hold my breath when I open my old work inbox, bracing myself for love declarations or worse — that she could find out where I live, show up at my door and ask for another chance at a love she never had.

Fear is a weapon wielded by those who want to keep others silent, and the stigma against sex work makes it easy to scare or blackmail us. So finally, a few years ago, I came out as a sex worker. My name is no longer a secret to anyone. I didn’t come out because I am fearless. I came out because I am sometimes still afraid, and I know I’m not alone.

In general, though, I was rarely afraid of my clients, the fumbling fathers who showed me iPhone photographs of their children and dogs, the sweet-if-clueless guys who asked for my advice on their dating profiles. Even John — the Ph.D. student who used my real name — called a year later when he was again home for the holidays to apologize. “I’m a fool when it comes to feelings,” he wrote. “That’s why I acted the way I did.”

He said he was in therapy, and I agreed to see him again. He sounded sorry, I needed the money, and it was Christmas, after all.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Life-Changing Magic of a Urologist

— Here are three issues you may want to address with a professional.

By Jancee Dunn< Urologists often deal with health problems that arise from two very intimate functions: peeing and sex. Because of this, “most urologists tend to have a lot of brevity and a bit of humor, because we know these are hard topics for our patients,” said Maria Uloko, a urologist at UC San Diego Health and assistant professor of urology at the University of California, San Diego School of Medicine.

In my experience (as both a patient and a health journalist), urologists will happily discuss the subjects that some of us laypeople tend to avoid: erectile problems, peeing too much, peeing too little, painful sex, dwindling or nonexistent orgasms, urinary tract infections and the list goes on.

Rachel Rubin, a urologist and sexual health specialist based outside Washington, D.C., said many people don’t share these issues with their doctor even if they are ongoing; they simply learn to live with discomfort. “They’ll tell themselves, ‘Well, that’s just aging. Suck it up,’” Dr. Rubin said. But, “if it bothers you and it matters to you, then it’s a medical problem with medical solutions.”

There are two parts of a urologist’s job. “There’s the serious illness stuff, like cancers,” said Nelson Bennett, a professor of urology at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine, who specializes in male sexual function. “But there’s a big chunk of our practice that is basically quality of life. I tell my patients that no one dies of not having an erection, but they’re still suffering.” All of this may be why people who have seen a urologist (present company included) sometimes say the results are life altering.

Here are three issues you may want to address with a professional.

Erection problems

If you have erectile dysfunction, Dr. Rubin said: “Don’t be embarrassed. So do your friends.” Erectile dysfunction affects as many as 30 million men in the United States, according to the American Urological Association.

There are treatment options for almost every erectile problem, including oral medications, injectable medications, surgery and cognitive behavioral therapy, Dr. Bennett said.

Although it can be tempting to furtively order medications such as Viagra on direct-to-consumer websites, a practice that Dr. Bennett found, in a 2021 study, is dramatically increasing, he said there are several reasons to see a specialist instead. “We can actually begin to figure out why you’re having the problem, as opposed to just taking medication to cover it up,” he said. Some medications can also affect erections, such as antidepressants, which can cause orgasms to be delayed, or vanish altogether. And a urologist can screen for those, he said.

What’s more, erection problems can be a sign of heart problems down the road. Penis arteries, which are one millimeter in diameter, are very small, compared with heart arteries, which are 3 millimeters. “So if you’re clogging your small pipes first, you may have erectile dysfunction before you have your first heart attack,” Dr. Rubin said.

“Those are the guys you need to start looking at,” said Dr. Bennett, “because we know that erectile issues will predate cardiovascular issues by about 10 years.”

Painful sex

For older women, painful sex is a leading sign of genitourinary syndrome of menopause, or G.S.M., a term that in 2014 replaced the dispiriting phrase “vulvovaginal atrophy.” During perimenopause and beyond, as estrogen leaves a woman’s body, the tissues in the vulva, vagina and urinary tract become dryer, less supple and more sensitive. This process can cause recurrent urinary tract infections and incontinence, and sex can become excruciating, which takes many women by surprise, Dr. Rubin said. G.S.M. may affect up to half of postmenopausal women, according to a 2019 review, and is “unlikely to improve without treatment.”

What has been shown to work for conditions like G.S.M., Dr. Rubin said, are treatments like inserts with DHEA, a steroid that mimics hormones, lubricants and moisturizers; ospemifene, an oral medication that is approved by the Federal Drug Administration to treat G.S.M.; vaginal dilators; and low-dose topical vaginal estrogen.

“There’s not a cocktail party or children’s birthday party where I don’t recommend vaginal hormones,” Dr. Rubin said. (It is important, however, that you discuss any of these treatments with your own doctor first.)

Pelvic floor therapy is another option, Dr. Rubin added. “Pelvic floor therapists rehab your muscles, just like you would do rehab after a knee replacement.” And you don’t have to do it forever, she added. “Physical therapists are there to optimize your pelvis and send you out the door.”

Then there’s the D.I.Y. approach: a 2023 review found that vibrators were considered “an accepted modality” to treat vulvar pain. “I think doctors should be prescribing vibrators, which are health aids, just like eyeglasses or hearing aids,” Dr. Rubin added. “The more we normalize them and educate patients in exam rooms about them, the better.”

Bladder issues

You may know that bladder control loss afflicts women at various hormonal stages in their lives — pregnancy, after giving birth and during menopause — but “men are plagued by urinary incontinence, too,” Dr. Bennett said. A quarter to a third of Americans have incontinence, according to the American Urological Association.

There are two main types: “stress incontinence,” which means sudden leaking brought on by activities like coughing, sneezing or exercise, and “urgency incontinence,” a strong and immediate urge to pee, which sends you on a mad dash to the bathroom.

Some male patients will visit the bathroom 10 times a night because of a prostate issue, which leads to sleep deprivation, Dr. Bennett said.

Some treatments for urinary incontinence include medication, and for women, vaginal estrogen, but urologists also teach patients Kegel exercises, use electrical stimulation and employ pelvic floor physical therapy. (Men have a pelvic floor, too.)

Urologists, Dr. Uloko said, “are really glorified plumbers. We know how to fix the leaks.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Types of Orgasms and How to Feel Each of Them

— For people with vaginas, there are many different types of orgasms. The most common way of orgasm is through clitoral stimulation. Other types of orgasms include vaginal, anal, and cervical orgasms. Some people have even experienced orgasms from working out and giving birth. Let’s look at the different kinds of orgasms, and the best ways to maximize your chances of experiencing them.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • People with vaginas can experience multiple types of orgasms, including clitoral, vaginal, anal, and cervical orgasms, as well as orgasms from stimulating the breasts and nipples.
  • For people with vaginas, the most common way to achieve an orgasm is through stimulation of the external clitoris. Many people are unable to orgasm without clitoral stimulation.
  • If you are looking to explore new types of orgasms, set aside some time free of distractions so you can explore your body and find what feels pleasurable to you.

What exactly is an orgasm?

While there isn’t an exact definition of an orgasm, as everyone experiences them slightly differently, most people can agree that an orgasm is the peak of sexual arousal. Orgasms are seen as an intense feeling of physical pleasure, often resulting from the build-up of sexual stimuli.

An orgasm is the third stage in the sexual response cycle. It is characterized by a number of physical symptoms, including:

  • Pleasurable feelings in the genitals;
  • Increased heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing;
  • Involuntary muscles spasms;
  • Uterus contractions (for uterus owners);
  • Ejaculation (for penis owners);
  • Psychological feelings of pleasure.

While these are typical symptoms of an orgasm, it’s important to note that each person experiences them slightly differently.

Are there multiple types of orgasms?

Yes, however, the answer is a little more complicated, particularly for those with vaginas. Anecdotally, people with vaginas speak about experiencing different orgasms, such as clitoral and vaginal. But some research suggests that those who experience vaginal orgasms are doing so as a result of stimulation of the internal parts of the clitoris. The internal bulbs of the clitoris hug the outside of the vagina, so what some people may believe is a vaginal orgasm could be a clitoral orgasm.

Nevertheless, for many people, the sensations of these orgasms feel different and are obtained through different forms of stimulation, that’s why they have different names. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what type of orgasm you experienced or how you got there. All that matters is that it felt good, and you and those around you were safe.

What types of orgasms are there?

Anecdotally, people have experienced many different types of orgasms, with some being more common than others. Below we’ll explore some of the most common types of orgasms and some rarer types.

Clitoral orgasm

The clitoral orgasm is the most common type of orgasm for people with vaginas, with many people unable to orgasm without stimulation of the clitoris. Studies have found that 36.6% of people with vaginas can only orgasm from external clitoral stimulation. A further 36% of people say that while they don’t need external clitoral stimulation to orgasm, the stimulation of the clitoris during sex makes orgasms feel better.

The clitoris is a highly sensitive erogenous zone, with recent research finding that it contains around 10,000 sensory nerve endings. This makes it the go-to place for stimulation for many people. If you’re looking to orgasm from the clitoris, you’re in luck, as it can be stimulated in several ways, including orally, with fingers, or with sex toys.

Vaginal orgasm

While not all people with vaginas can orgasm from stimulation of the vagina, some can. Many different pleasurable spots can be stimulated in the vagina which can lead to orgasms. Many people find stimulation of the top wall of the vagina pleasurable (sometimes referred to as the G-spot). This could be due to its proximity to the external parts of the clitoris that wrap around this section of the vagina.

If you’re looking to orgasm from the vagina, try using a G-spot sex toy that is slightly curved, as this will help reach the specific area of the vagina. You can use the toy yourself or have a partner help you.

Anal orgasm

The anus and rectum also have a host of sensory nerve endings which can make anal play feel incredibly pleasurable, leading to an orgasm. However, unlike the vagina, the anus doesn’t self-lubricate, so a lot of lubrication is needed when stimulating this area. When using sex toys to stimulate the anus, you must use toys with a flared base, as toys without one risk being lost in the rectum and could require surgical removal.

There are many ways to stimulate this area, including stimulating the outside area with a mouth, fingers, or vibrator. Or internal stimulation with anal toys, fingers, or a penis.

Other types of orgasms

  • Cervical orgasm. A cervical orgasm is reached through stimulation of the lower part of the cervix, which is located high in the vagina and separates the vagina from the uterus. If you’re looking to orgasm from the cervix, only try stimulating it once you are turned on, as stimulation of this area at other times could feel uncomfortable;
  • Nipple orgasm. Some people can orgasm through stimulation of the breasts and nipples. Researchers believe that stimulation of this area may fire up the same part of the brain that lights up during genital stimulation. Orgasms in this area can be achieved through licking, sucking, and caressing the nipple and breasts;
  • Sleep orgasm. Many people can experience orgasms in their sleep by having sexually stimulating dreams, with no stimulation of the genitals. While this is more common in people with penises, people with vaginas also experience them. While this type of orgasm is a little harder to achieve, research suggests that it is more common for people who sleep on their stomachs;
  • Birth orgasm. While uncommon, some people have reported orgasms during birth, with no direct stimulation to the genitals;
  • Coregasm. Another rare form of orgasm, a ‘coregasm’ is a form of orgasm that is experienced when working out, particularly when lifting weights or working out the core. To achieve this kind of orgasm, get to the gym and explore multiple kinds of exercises such as squats, crunches, and pull-ups.

Can you feel all of them simultaneously?

While it may be hard to feel all forms of orgasms at once, it is possible to have what is known as a blended orgasm. A blended orgasm is achieved when stimulating two or more erogenous zones simultaneously to create a more intense and pleasurable orgasm.

This can be done by getting a partner to help you, using multiple sex toys or toys that are designed to stimulate two areas at once, like a rabbit-styled vibrator.

Tips for women looking to experience an orgasm

If you’re new to self-pleasure or haven’t been able to have an orgasm in the past, there are a few steps that you can apply to help you get there.

  • Eliminate distractions. Worrying that someone may bust through the door mid-session is a big mood killer, so make sure that your door is locked, your phone is set to silent, and you create a nice and relaxing atmosphere to enjoy yourself in;
  • Stay mindful. Another big mood killer is a busy mind. With too many thoughts racing around our heads, we’re unable to listen to our bodies. When exploring pleasure within the body, a clear mind is needed to pick up on what feels good and what doesn’t. To help clear the mind, practice mindfulness or meditation regularly;
  • Use toys. The stimulations given by vibrators and other toys can feel great. If you’re having trouble trying to orgasm, try out a few different types of toys, making sure that you have one dedicated to clitoral stimulation;
  • Use lube. Wetter is definitely better when it comes to sex. Any form of sex, whether it be solo play or penetration, feels more pleasurable with lubrication. Having sex without it can cause friction and tears, which is unlikely to result in an orgasm;
  • Focus on solo play. Focusing on masturbation can help us learn exactly what our bodies like, which is essential for feeling pleasure. During solo play, keep an open mind and get curious while exploring your body.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Give Passionate Oral Sex

— A Guide For Men & Women

By Gia Ravazzotti

Let’s face it: It’s incredibly sexy to observe someone else experiencing sexual pleasure. When partners are truly tuned in to each other, oral sex can be just as arousing and pleasurable to give as it is to receive. But to get the most enjoyment from giving oral sex to another person, one needs to be exceptionally present during the act.

If you are giving your partner oral pleasure simply as a means to an end, then you probably won’t enjoy it as much. Getting into the mindset that you are pleasuring your partner for your own stimulation as well can be a real game-changer. These oral sex tips will teach you how to have passionate oral sex that’s mutually pleasurable:

1. Ask permission

First, always ask permission. You may be in the mood to pleasure your partner, but check in with them first. If your partner isn’t in the mood (and yes, some people don’t enjoy oral sex), then don’t be disappointed. Allowing a space in a relationship for either partner to say no without consequence removes many unnecessary barriers regarding sex. Knowing that you both have the freedom to take a rain check creates much more trust and intimacy in your sexual relating than if you react negatively to their “no.”

2. Use your eyes

Before you even start, look at your partner’s penis or vagina. I love it when clients tell me that they think their partner’s genitalia is beautiful! Have a real, proper look. Notice its contours, size, color, firmness, hairiness. Allow your eyes to take everything in. Does it make you want to smile and giggle? Does it make you more turned on? Whatever arises for you, embrace it. In honoring your partner’s parts with your eyes, you begin to realize the complexities of this amazing part of the body.

3. Use your hands

Slowly and gently begin to run your fingers over your partner’s genitalia. If your partner is a man, you might try gliding your fingers over the shaft, treating it like a delicate and treasured item. If your partner is a woman, you may begin by gently stroking her thighs and softly moving to the outer labia. Consider trying a tantric massage, whether a lingam massage for penises or a yoni massage for vulvas.

Again, using your sense of touch, soak it all in. Feel it in every possible way you can and notice every sensation beneath your fingertips. Stroke around the whole area: Include your partner’s belly and thighs here, too. Notice what is happening. Is your partner showing signs of pleasure through breath or movement? And importantly, what is it like for you to notice these things? Does it turn you on?

4. Use your breath

Changing our breath changes the way we experience things, in all areas of life, especially when it comes to sex (the tradition of tantric sex has long existed for a reason!). Before you begin going down on your partner, gently blow on and around their penis or vagina, and the surrounding pubic area. Start farther away, and slowly get closer and closer. Again, be present and mindful, not only to what is happening for your partner, but what is happening within yourself as well.

5. Use both your tongue and lips

Gently start to use your mouth on their penis or vagina. Remember that oral sex is all about using both your tongue and your lips. If you are willing to explore the idea of the expansive nature of oral pleasure, then dive in with all parts of your mouth!

But remember to work gently at first. Just a flick of the tongue or a chaste kiss in the beginning could intensify your partner’s sensations. And for your own benefit, remember to be present to taste, texture, smells, sensations. By now your partner is likely very aroused, and it is highly possible that you are, too. Once you have your mouth on your partner’s genitalia, just explore. Try different approaches such as varying pressure or speed of sucking or licking. Remain aware of their responses and use your intuition to keep the “conversation” ongoing.

6. Use your words

Speaking of conversations, let’s get to the difficult topic of communication during oral sex. So often people struggle to communicate about sex, particularly during sex. But how else will you know if your partner is happy with what is happening? So, in the same way you asked permission initially, now ask your partner if they are enjoying things. You can also ask if they might prefer something different or if there is any discomfort. Don’t be afraid to gauge your partner’s pleasure by asking, asking, asking. Most people are very happy to engage with a lover who is so attentive and considerate. And sometimes just a simple “Do you like that?” can be extremely arousing.

7. Use your brain…yes, your brain

Many people would believe that for oral to be good, it would have to have the inevitable “grand finale,” but this is not true. Oral sex can end in many different ways. You could move to intercourse or manual stimulation. If you really wanted to up the ante, you could stop before your partner’s climax and let them take a turn giving you oral stimulation. You could make a game of this, and see how many turns each of you can take before you explode. (Here’s our full guide to edging, if you want to learn more.) Or you could simply lie back and cuddle. Keep an open mind, and remember that sex is always different!

8. Be respectful

This is one of the most important pieces of advice to keep in mind. If your partner has a penis, ensure that you are fully comfortable with whatever arrangement you have with your partner regarding ejaculation before you start going down on them. If you need them to warn you if they are going to ejaculate so you can change your tactic, then tell them that. If you are comfortable for them to ejaculate in your mouth, tell them that too.

And regardless of the gender of your partner, keep in mind that your needs as the “giver” need to be taken into account. Respect is a two-way street, so make your needs known: No one is a mind-reader!

9. Don’t worry about orgasms

This myth that all sexual activity must end in climax often derails people. Expectations are set up, and then when they are not met, disappointment ensues. People can feel inadequate that they haven’t had an orgasm or feel as if they are not doing it right if their partner didn’t have an orgasm. If you remove all the hype around orgasm, you create an environment that facilitates relaxation and enjoyment. Sometimes it is good enough to just feel those amazing sensations without focusing on the goal!

10. Have fun

This goes for all sexual activity, but be creative. Loosen up. Light candles and set up a romantic bedroom environment if that works for you. Turn on some soft (or loud!) music if that gets you in the mood. There are no right answers. The key is remaining in the moment and allowing yourself to loosen up and have a great time. After all, that’s what pleasure is all about.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Spice Up A Relationship

— According To Relationship Expert Esther Perel

Four simple ways to reinvigorate that spark.

By Gabrielle Ulubay

Like anything, else you encounter on a daily basis, it’s possible to fall into a monotony or a lull while in a long-term romantic relationship. Countless books and lectures have been devoted to the question of how to spice up a relationship, particularly when it comes to sexual intimacy.

“We are creatures of repetition,” famed Belgian relationship therapist Esther Perel (opens in new tab) admits. “In that sense, we all live with routines. Repetition anchors us; repetition gives us structure; repetition gives us predictability, familiarity, a sense of knowing what to do, confidence. So can you avoid monotony? No, you cannot. That is intrinsic to reality.”

However, she says, there is hope—so long as you’re willing to use a bit of imagination. “We live with routine, we are bound to be in monotony of some sort or repetition,” she says, “but through our imagination, freedom in confinement or freedom in reality comes to our imagination. Our imagination is limitless, and can take us outside of every restricted area.”

For instance, she gives the example of tying one’s shoes: “I know how to tie my shoes. I can turn this routine of tying my shoes into a very erotic experience, with you pulling very, very slowly at my laces. Same gesture, completely different rhythm, completely different intention and meaning, and therefore a different relationship.”

But in your everyday life, you may not be willing to turn your shoe-tying experience into a sexual experience, particularly if you and/or your partner are scrambling out the door. Thus, we’ve asked Esther Perel to unpack her best, most practical ways of spicing up your relationship. Not only are her tips shockingly simple, but they’re also easy to incorporate into your everyday life. You’ll never have to worry about the state of your spark again. 

Get Playful

Venturing outside the ordinary—in any context, but especially in a sexual or emotional context—can feel scary. For this reason, Perel says to ease the shock by using play as a means of adding that much-needed spice to your romantic repertoire.

“Playfulness is when risk taking is fun,” she says. “Playing gives you permission that reality doesn’t necessarily allow you, and you can say, ‘I want to not be in our everyday lives. Let’s step out of the everyday.’ This transcends the boundaries of the mundane.”

There are a number of ways of incorporating play into your relationship, from sex games to sex card games to roleplay to kink. Below, some sure-fire options to get you going.

Set the Mood

If you’re having trouble spicing up your relationship or keeping sensuality alive, Perel says that one of the first actions you should take is to ensure that you have a dedicated space for sexual play so that you (and your partner) are able to “take yourself out of one mode, out of one role in your relationship, and give yourself the permission to enter into another role.” This, she says, means “transitioning into an erotic place, and thus your erotic self.”

So, what does that mean in terms of logistics? “If you want to spice something up, don’t have your room be a pigsty,” she says. 

“When you go to the gym, you’d go to a dedicated place,” she reminds us. “When you go to pray, or when you go to meditate, you go to a dedicated place. When you go to a restaurant, you go to a dedicated place. The restaurant doesn’t look like your bedroom, so your bedroom shouldn’t look like your kitchen or like your laundry room. This is because we are highly suggestive and suggestible to the environment. It gives a sense of meaning to what we are about to experience.”

If your room is looking more sulky than sultry these days, try buying silky sheets, hanging sensual art, or experimenting with low lighting like candles and warm lamps.

Be Curious About Each Other

“Spicing up is about curiosity,” says Perel. “Curiosity is about the willingness to engage with the mystery and the unknown that lives right next to you. The reason it is so difficult to spice up is because when we want familiarity and comfort, we don’t want mystery and unknown right next to us. We want to feel that we know this person inside and out, and vice versa. That’s why love and desire often are in a paradoxical relationship with each other, because love wants the comfort, the predictability, the familiarity, but desire wants the unknown, the mystery, the discovery, the exploration. That’s the spicing.”

However, she says, there are ways of keeping mystery and curiosity alive while also retaining a sense of comfort and familiarity.

In particular, she tells us that she always mentally returns to the same potential scenario: “My classic image used to be that you go out for dinner with friends and you find yourself talking about all kinds of things. Your partner suddenly talks about the books or the movies they saw, and you look at them and say, ‘Wow, I didn’t even know you liked that.’ Then, you go back in the car, you have the opportunity to continue a very interesting conversation, and lo and behold, you sit down and you start talking about who’s going to the supermarket tomorrow morning. But why didn’t you continue that conversation?” 

The significance of this scenario, she says, is that it’s a case in which “you suddenly realize that you actually are both interesting people who have a lot to say.” This contrasts with “the complacency of the everyday management.” Often, she says, “You ask, ‘How was your day?’ Or you ask, ‘How is so-and-so?’ But you don’t ask ‘What has this transition been like for you?’ or ‘What was it like for you when you got to do this project and have a conversation that you’ve never been able to have?'”

While questions such as these may be uncomfortable to ask at first, she says that they play a key role in keeping the romantic spark alive. “It’s that next level that says, ‘I’m still curious about you. I don’t know you completely. You’re not the inside of my pocket,'” she argues.

Get Vulnerable

Perel reminds us, “Deeper intimacy goes with more risk. More risk goes with trust. Trust goes with more risk. It circles. Deeper intimacy is into-me-see. So how I invite you to see into me?”

Whether you’ve just begun dating or you’ve been together for years, it can always be a little anxiety-inducing to open up about your thoughts, desires, or insecurities. Furthermore, when you’re immersed in the routine of daily life, it may be difficult to find the right moment to talk about the way you feel.

If you’re having trouble opening up to your partner to the extent that you wish, Perel suggests trying to do so through play. “It’s the way that you learn; it’s the way that you can safely take risk,” she says. “When a child is playing , they’re taking all kinds of risks imagining themselves, propelling themselves into a script. They can try out a lot of things because the consequences are not the same because you’re playing. So in the realm of our imagination, we can experience a degree of freedom that the limitations of reality can never afford us.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to tell a partner you’ve cheated

— It’s tough but necessary

By

If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve done the unthinkable: cheated on your partner, and now you’re sitting wondering how the hell you’re going to tell them – or perhaps, if telling them is even the best course of action.

Maybe you’re hoping you can continue the lie, having your cake and eating it (please don’t) but, to give you the benefit of the doubt, it’s likely you’re feeling a lot of guilt and shame right now, and maybe you’re rightly scared of the outcome.

After all, telling the truth will hurt your partner to an unimaginable extent and, where you’re concerned, a relationship you care about deeply could come to an end.

But, frankly, keeping the secret is likely to make you feel much worse in the long run.

‘A secret like this can eat away at the partner who cheated and this in turn can impact their mental health and their relationships,’ Ammanda Major, an experienced sex and relationship therapist and Head of Clinical Practice at Relate, tells Metro.co.uk.

‘They may project their feelings of guilt onto their partner, accusing them of cheating too.

‘It may also cause them to dislike themselves and have a lot of anxiety around whether their secret will be discovered.’

Boyfriend being unfaithful to his girlfriend. Wife, lie, hand flat vector illustration. Betrayal and infidelity concept for banner, website design or landing web page
Keeping up the lie hurts everyone in the long run

Even the idea of keeping a secret that big is stress-inducing, and that’s before acknowledging how important it is to come clean.

‘If you tell your partner you cheated, they’re likely to feel hurt, angry and betrayed, and there’s a risk they will end the relationship,’ says Ammanda.

‘But being honest about what happened may also present an opportunity to really look at the relationship you have with each other, and the relationship you have with yourself.

‘By examining the reasons that led you to cheat and better understand what was going on in your head, you can begin to address any issues.’

Not only that, but giving your partner the full truth puts you on an even playing field – and they can decide whether or not the relationship is right for them, with all the facts. 

Besides, if you do keep the secret, your relationship might still be negatively impacted in the long run.

Relationship troubles, issues, problems concept. Girlfriend and boyfriend sitting on bed after quarrel, couple argument, conflict, break up, heartbreak, divorce. Simple flat vector
Make sure you’re not just offloading your guilt

‘Keeping cheating and especially repeated cheating a secret means you’re not giving your partner the opportunity to decide if they want to stay with you, which of course is one of the reasons many people stay silent,’ Ammanda continues.

‘But any relationship thrives better on fairness and honesty, so it’s important to carefully think about the impact of not telling and especially if what happened comes to light years after the event.’

Plus, it’s important to remember that relationships do often recover from infidelity (hello, Jay Z and Beyoncé) and can even, as Ammanda says, end up being stronger – but this means having many tricky conversations. 

How to approach the conversation

  • Let your partner know you want to talk in advance – don’t just spring it on them
  • Tell them the basic facts of what happened
  • Be prepared to answer a lot of questions, straight away and later down the line
  • Be prepared for your partner to react differently to how you expect
  • Provide an explanation, but don’t make excuses or blame your partner for your actions
  • Apologise, but only if you mean it
  • Don’t expect instant forgiveness
  • Let them know you want to work on the relationship, if that’s the case
  • Suggest talking to a professional when they feel ready

‘For the relationship to continue in a healthy way, both partners need to be willing to really work through things and look at how their behaviour may or may not have contributed to the situation,’ says Ammanda.

‘A relationship counsellor can facilitate tricky but important conversations like this.’

If – or when – you decide to come clean, it’s important to make sure you’re doing so for the right reasons: because your partner deserves to know the truth, and not just to alleviate your guilt.

‘Let your partner know in advance that there’s something you need to talk to them about and arrange a time to chat when you won’t be distracted,’ says Ammanda.

She says it’s important not to come from a place of guilt, but to give the basic facts of what happened and apologise – but only if you mean it.

If you want to stay together and work things out, she says, let them know, but don’t expect them to forgive you there and then.

Whether it helps your relationship or not, coming clean is likely going to be the best thing for you and your partner, so give the conversation some serious thought and make sure you approach it with compassion.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Pompeii’s House of the Vettii reopens

— A reminder that Roman sexuality was far more complex than simply gay or straight

The atrium of the House of the Vettii, Pompeii.

By

As Pompeii’s House of the Vettii finally reopens after a long process of restoration, news outlets appear to be struggling with how to report on the Roman sex cultures so well recorded in the ruins of the city.

The Metro opened with the headline “Lavish Pompeii home that doubled as a brothel has some interesting wall art”, while the Guardian highlighted the fresco of Priapus, the god of fertility (depicted weighing his oversized penis on a scale with bags of coins) as well as the erotic frescoes found next to the kitchen.

The Daily Mail, on the other hand – and arguably surprisingly – said nothing about the explicit frescoes and instead centred its story on the house’s “historic hallmarks of interior design”.

As a scholar who researches modern and contemporary visual cultures of sexuality, I was struck by how the heavy presence of sexual imagery in the ruins of Pompeii seems to confound those writing about it for a general audience.

Rethinking Roman sexuality

As a gay man and a researcher on sexuality, I am all too familiar with the ways modern gay men look to ancient Rome in search of evidence that there have always been people like us.

It is now clear among the research community that such straightforward readings of homosexuality in classical history are flawed. That is because same-sex relations among Romans were lived and thought about in very different ways from our own.

Roman sexuality was not framed in terms of the gender of partners but in terms of power. The gender of a free man’s sexual partner was less relevant than their social position.

A room with walls coloured in colourful frescos of nude men and women.
Frescoes from the House of the Vettii.Courtesy of the Archaeological Park of Pompeii

Socially acceptable Roman sexuality was about power, power was about masculinity – and Roman patriarchal sex cultures were assertions of both. An adult free man could have sex as the penetrating partner with anyone of a lower social status – including women or slaves and sex workers of both genders.

Despite this, I understand how politically important and strategic it was for the early homosexual movement to invent its own myth of origin and to populate history with figures that had been – they thought – just like us.

The flip side of modern notions of homosexuality being read into Roman history, is the way in which the widespread presence of sex in ancient Roman (including in the graffiti and visual culture preserved in Pompeii) has been disavowed or – at least – purified by mainstream modern culture.

Pornography in Pompeii

This phenomenon started when sexually explicit artefacts were first discovered in Pompeii, propelling archaeologists to preserve them due to their historical value, but to keep them hidden from the general public in “secret museums” on account of their obscene content.

Indeed, the coinage of the word “pornography” was a result of the archival need to classify those Roman artefacts. The term “pornographers” was first used to designate the creators of such Roman images in Karl Otfried Müller’s Handbook of Archaeology of Art (Handbuch der Archäologie der Kunst), from 1830.

The god Priapus is shown wearing a tunic that doesn't contain his cartoonishly large penis.
A fresco of Priapus in the House of the Vettii showing the god’s oversized penis.

The news coverage around the reopening of the House of the Vettii is one such example of mainstream modern culture sanitising Roman history.

When focusing on the fresco of Priapus, for instance, news outlets are quick to claim that the god’s oversized penis was merely a metaphor for the wealth accumulated by the men who owned the house. The pair had made their fortune selling wine after being freed from slavery.

This reading of the fresco, while not necessarily incorrect, overlooks the more complex – and for that reason, more interesting – role of phallic imagery in Roman culture.

As classicist Craig Williams writes, the images of a hyper-endowed, hyper-masculine Priapus that were widespread in Roman culture functioned not only as a source of identification but also as an object of desire for Roman men – if not to be penetrated by the large phallus, then at least to wish it was their own.

Priapus, with his large manhood and unquenchable desire to dominate others through penetration was, Williams tells us: “Something like the patron saint or mascot of Roman machismo.”

What’s missing from the story?

News coverage of the erotic frescoes found in a smaller room of the house has been similarly too straight forward in claiming them as evidence that that room was used for sex work.

While some scholars have certainly argued that perspective, others believe it unlikely. Some academics suggest that the erotic frescoes in that room (which probably belonged to the house’s cook) had more likely been commissioned as a gift to the Vettii’s favourite slave and very much fit the wider aesthetic of quirky excess that marks the house as a whole.

A light beautiful courtyard surrounded by columns.
A courtyard in the House of the Vettii.Courtesy of the Archaeological Park of Pompeii

In a culture where sex was not taboo but instead promoted as a sign of power, wealth and culture, it is fair to suggest that erotic images wouldn’t just belong in brothels. Sex was everywhere in Rome, including in literary and visual arts.

When reading the recent news stories, I could not help but think that their interpretations, while not wholly wrong, were too skewed into presenting the explicit frescoes as either metaphors for something more noble, or as something that was restricted to a specific site of Roman life – the brothel.

Perhaps these readings are privileged over others because we’re reluctant to accept that sex in ancient Roman culture – a culture we so often mythologise as our “origin” – was performed in ways that we are uncomfortable with.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Condom Size Chart

— Does Size Matter?

Most condoms will fit most people, but other factors matter, too

You may already know that condoms are your best way to reduce the spread of sexually transmitted infections (STIs, also called sexually transmitted diseases or STDs).

And if you didn’t already know it, let’s say it again: Condoms — the ones made from latex, polyurethane and other synthetic materials — will reduce your chances of getting chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, syphilis, HIV/AIDS and other infections that can be passed through bodily fluids. (Lambskin condoms, also called natural membrane or lambskin condoms, can allow viruses to pass through.)

Condoms can also prevent pregnancy by blocking semen during vaginal intercourse. That’s true of both synthetic and natural condoms.

There are two general categories of condoms:

  • Internal condoms are a pouch inserted into the vagina or anus. They come in one standard size.
  • External condoms are the ones that cover a penis, and they come in a variety of sizes.

Which external condom is right for you? Well … that may be a little complicated. Those oh-so-useful infection-stoppers are a huge market, and there’s a lot to consider: size, material, thickness and enhancements (“for your pleasure”) among them. There are also U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA)-approved external condoms on the market specifically for use during anal sex.

When it comes to choosing condoms, is there a right answer? Does condom size matter? And the rest of it?

We talked with urologist Petar Bajic, MD, about whether condom size matters and other factors to consider.

Finding the right size condom

Here’s the bottom line: The best condom for you is one that you’ll use and will keep you and your partner protected for the duration of sexual activity.

Research shows that when people aren’t satisfied with their condom fit, they’re more likely to have less sexual satisfaction and to remove the condom and complete their sexual engagement without it. Kind of defeats the purpose.

In truth, most people will find that most condoms will fit just fine, Dr. Bajic says.

A worldwide review of research studies found that the average erect penis length is about 5.2 inches. Average girth is 4.6 inches when erect. Guidelines from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA), which regulates condoms as a medical device, stipulate that the minimum length for external condoms is 160 millimeters (that’s about 6.3 inches).

That leaves some room for the condom to remain rolled at the base for the average-sized penis. Trojan®, for example, lists their standard condom as the proper-fitting choice for a penis between 5 and 7 inches long with a girth of 4 to 5 inches.

“For the vast majority of people, standard sizes are appropriate, but everyone’s anatomy is different,” Dr. Bajic notes. “It’s best to read the information from that specific condom manufacturer for their guidance on how to determine the best fit for you, and that information should be readily available on the packaging.”

The measurements listed on condom packaging are based on measuring a fully erect penis. To get your size, use a flexible tape measure. Length is the measurement from the base of your penis (where it meets your stomach) to the tip. Girth is the measurement around the widest part of your penis shaft.

Comfort matters

Now, whether the condom is the right size according to the manufacturer’s standards and whether it feels good to your liking may be two different things.

It’s kind of like picking out a pair of jeans. Sure, there’s no shortage of pairs that’ll cover you from hip to ankle, but you may find certain brands or certain cuts to be more comfortable. Maybe you’re the straight-leg type or perhaps bootcut is more your jam. Nothing wrong with being a little choosy.

The same is true of condoms. Any number of them may fit, but it might take trying out a few kinds to determine what you prefer. There are a lot of options out there. So, if you don’t like one, there are plenty of kinds to try and find what works best.

You can try different types of material (remembering that some people may be allergic to latex, so steer clear if that’s a concern for you or your partner). You can also try different material densities. Some condoms are marketed as being “ultra-thin” and the like, which could increase sensation. The minim thickness, per the FDA, is 0.3 mm.

Know if it fits

While most condoms will do the trick for most people, severely ill-fitting condoms could be problematic. A condom that’s too big could fall off during sexual activity. Too small, and you could be at risk of it breaking, Dr. Bajic warns.

“The important thing is to be realistic,” he continues. In other words, choosing a condom isn’t a time to … ahem … stroke your ego, if that’s not what your anatomy calls for.

A properly fitted condom will cover your penis snuggly (but not too tightly) from tip to base, with a half-inch reservoir at the tip. For some people, that may leave an extra bit of rolled condom at the base. That’s OK, and some people prefer that feeling. But if it doesn’t reach to the base of your penis near your stomach, that’s a clear sign to try a bigger size.

Chart: Troubleshooting condom fit and comfort

What you may notice What to try
The condom doesn’t reach to the base of your penis. It doesn’t leave room for a reservoir at the tip. It slips off. It breaks.  It’s uncomfortably tight. Consider going up a size.
There’s excessive rolled condom at the base of your penis. You have decreased sensation. It slips off. Try a smaller size.
It’s uncomfortably tight. Try a larger girth.
You have decreased sensation. It slips off. Try a smaller girth.
You have decreased sensation. Consider a thinner material.
The condom breaks. Try a thicker material.

There is a condom for you

An oft-repeated reason for not wanting to wear a condom is that your penis is “too big.” In reality, condoms are made to stretch. A lot. So, there’s bound to be a condom out there that fits you. (There are videos online of people fitting their whole leg into a condom. Trust us, it’ll fit.)

On the other side of the coin, the condom market is flooded with options, so chances are you’re not “too small” for a condom, either.

Again, “fitting” to the point that it’s safely in place and won’t slip off or break and “fitting” to your liking may have some slight differences. But the point is there’s a condom out there that’ll protect you and your partner from STIs and unwanted pregnancy in the case of vaginal sex. And there’s very likely a choice that you’ll feel good using, too.

“The only better way of preventing sexually transmitted infections than using a condom is abstinence,” Dr. Bajic states. “So, if you plan on engaging in sexual activity, it’s really important to protect yourself, and use barrier contraception.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Guide to Using Prostate Massagers

By Nina Smith

When it comes to sex toys, most people automatically think about the toys that are used for female pleasure. Men, however, don’t have to be sidelined when it comes to using toys in the bedroom.

Prostate massagers are a largely unexplored part of sexuality for most men, but we believe that the stigma around male sex toys needs to be broken. If you or your partner are looking to experiment with a prostate massager, here is everything you need to know before diving in.

What is a Prostate Massager?

If you weren’t already aware, men can experience orgasm through prostate stimulation. In fact, it is said that a prostate-induced orgasm is the male equivalent of a woman’s orgasm through her G-spot. Some experts even refer to the male prostate as the P-spot.

It is a different kind of orgasm than the one you would experience through stimulation of the penis due to the difference in muscle contractions that occur during the climax. A penile orgasm typically involves four to eight muscles, but a prostate orgasm involves around a dozen muscles. This makes for a far more intense orgasm.

If you are looking to experience this more intense climax, then it’s time to bring in the help of a prostate massager. If you are having sex with someone with female genitalia, or if you are engaging in solo sex, a prostate massager is going to be the best way to experiment with prostate stimulation. Although these orgasms may be more satisfying, they also require more skill to achieve. But with a little bit of time and practice, you are sure to be achieving unbelievable orgasms in no time.

A prostate massager will look similar to a standard dildo. While some dildos are designed to mimic the shape and appearance of a penis, others have a sloped design to hit the female G-spot. Prostate massagers look more similar to the latter. The “come hither” design on G-spot dildos and prostate massagers help the device to hit in just the right spot.

Many of these designs come with a second head or “rabbit” design which allows for the vibration to hit not just the P-spot internally, but also externally. The external head will rest right between your anus and scrotum while the internal one will be inserted. Most devices will come with a variety of vibration settings for you to test out so you can find what works for you.

Where to Get a Prostate Massager

Although we find no shame in walking into a sex shop and asking to purchase a prostate massager, we are also aware that everyone’s comfort level surrounding this topic is different.

If you are looking for a discrete way to acquire a prostate massager, you will be glad to learn that many shops that sell prostate massagers online will ship their products in discreet packaging and some will even disguise the charge on your credit card. This is great for people who live with roommates, family, or anyone else that you want to keep out of your private sexual activities.

How to Use it

So now that you know all about prostate massagers and the orgasms that you can achieve, let’s talk about how to actually use one. If this is your first time inserting anything into your anus, you are going to want to take your time. Try not to force the device in. Instead, wait for your muscles to relax before insertion. And don’t be afraid to use lubrication to help everything go more smoothly.

Once you are able to insert the prostate massager, you are going to want to experiment with what feels good. This typically involves finding the right places to stimulate yourself. Move the device around and experiment with different vibration modes to find what you like, and before you know it you’ll be having orgasms that you never even thought were possible.

Clean Up

This should go without saying, but make sure that you clean your prostate massager after each use. Some devices are designed to be used in the shower or bath so cleanup will be easy if you purchase one of these waterproof designs.

If your design isn’t fully waterproof, make sure you read the instructions before cleaning so you know how to properly wash and care for your toy without damaging the electronic parts.

Start Experimenting!

If you are ready to break the stigma around male sex toys and start having intense and incredible orgasms, it’s time to try out your first prostate massager. Use it on yourself, or have a partner help you out to spice things up in the bedroom. Everyone deserves a little fun every now and then, so what are you waiting for?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Guy Who Says a Successful Threesome Is All About Communication

Andy, 31, talked to GQ about not understanding when people are hitting on him, coming out, and getting involved with straight guys.

By Sophia Benoit

My first sexual experience was when I was younger. An older kid was pretending to wrestle me and kind of did some hump action—I wasn’t sure what that was, I just knew it felt great. I was conflicted about that for years, and then I became an adult and I was like, “Oh well, that was definitely, you know, a mild form of molestation.”

My first consensual experience was when I was about 17 or 18. It was literally just a friend and I jacking off together and some oral. We came back from a high school dance. Another friend had as much of an after party as you can have in high school, and he had some beers and we’d each had like, half a beer, and we were like, “Oh we’re so drunk,” even though we weren’t. We just kind of locked eyes. I wasn’t out to him, he wasn’t out to me, but I was just like, “Hey, do you want to try something?” and he was like, “Well it depends on what it is you’d like to try.” I remember verbatim his word choice. And I was like, “Well, maybe I should just do it and if you like it, cool and if you don’t, tell me to stop.” And I got on my knees and opened his bands and he ended up being way more into it than I was, which was surprising. He wanted to escalate into something further, but we were kids who didn’t know what they were doing.

When I was in college I was just so… I wouldn’t say innocent, but I was just so inexperienced that oftentimes when people would be blatantly flirting with me and I had no idea. I went to a pretty small college in Kansas; there were like 8,000 people collectively for undergrad and graduate programs. And so like I had very little experience and so while I was navigating that I had plenty of opportunities to do more than what I actually did. I was still somewhat prudish, because I had no idea what it was that I liked or didn’t like. One time a super hot country guy came up to me at a bar where I was with some of my buddies. He was like, “Hey can I buy you a drink?” and I was like “Sure” and then he comes back with the drink and he’s like “Hey do you want to go duck hunting some time?” And I’m like, “I’m black; I don’t duck hunt.” It took several occasions of my friends being like “I think that guy’s hitting on you.”

I’d say the vast majority of my experiences have been with men who identify as straight or men who know they’re gay, but who are on the DL. You know, straight people don’t have to come out. And so I don’t feel like gay people should have to come out. Come out to the people you feel comfortable coming out to. But most importantly, you come out to yourself and you work through how you feel about yourself. And if you’ve done that work, that’s what’s most important to me. Like we don’t have to skip into the sunset. We don’t have to parade around doing PDA. None of that’s very important to me. I just want to know that the people that are closest to you in life, like your family or friends that they know about us—that’s really my only requirement for anything monogamous or long term.

I understand that not everybody is worth exploring monogamy with and not everyone is capable of it. I can get with a DL guy and maybe the sex will be good, but it doesn’t necessarily correlate with my worth or his worth. It’s just something that I need in that moment, because I’m feeling sexual, and that’s all that it has to be. Whereas I could date a guy who’s in the closet, and I think what’s most important for me is that he’s comfortable with who he is.

There was a super hot Italian guy from when I lived in Kansas. We met off Scruff or Grindr, and we hooked up on and off for about five years. The last time we hooked up was at the start of the pandemic. And he was super great at everything, don’t get me wrong. But he was still trying to date women while we were hooking up. He’d get into a relationship with a woman and then I wouldn’t hear from him for a few months, and then they’d break up and he’d hit me up. Once he even hit me up when he was still with her and I was like, “Are you single yet?” because I don’t want that karma.

I remember being surprised because he was one of the straight guys I’ve been with who was just really, really good at everything we did, but then sometimes he’d get weird about kissing. And then sometimes in the middle of sex he’d go into like overdrive and just do everything he wanted to do and it almost seemed like he had a mental block that had been lifted. Once after we hooked up, he’d gotten off and I was on top masturbating, getting ready to get myself off and he started to close his eyes and I kind of laughed and asked why and he was like, “Oh Catholic guilt.” We talked about it afterward while we were showering together. He was like, “You know that this won’t be anything more than what it is, right?” And I’m like, “Yeah, I’m like I’m good. Are you good?” He admitted that he wanted a wife and kids someday. So I told him, basically, I completely understand that’s where you are in your journey; it’s fine and I’m comfortable with you wanting whatever you want. But I also know you’re denying or compartmentalizing what it means to be with me and maybe you’ve enjoyed being with me more than you “should.”

I’m Carribean; I’m first-generation American. So we don’t typically struggle with, you know, the shame most Americans do. Being raised by islanders? I mean, there women dance around in next to nothing during Carnival and it’s not seen as sexual. It’s seen as cultural. A lot of feelings regarding sex and sexuality…I just didn’t have. They weren’t natural or indigenous to me because I was raised so free. A lot of what I bring to the table now is just that freedom. And the freedom I feel to say, “I like this. I don’t like that. Don’t do that.” And then just be able to walk away during or before a sexual experience because I know myself. I’ve done my sexual due diligence. I know what I like but I’m also open and curious, so if I might like something I create boundaries where it’s safe to explore that. And I feel like that mindset automatically translates into pretty great sex. I’ve gotten better at head. I’ve gotten better at reading the room. Like, when I do it slow you like it. When I use my tongue there you come. Each person is different—the only thing that’s consistent is that no one appreciates a mediocre performance.

Hooking up with a guy and his girlfriend, that’s something I never thought I’d be into, because I’ve never been into women, but I actually enjoyed it more than being in threesomes with all men. Women are just different or special. But I’ve had great threesomes. It’s because I’ve asked the hard questions before I even leave the comfort of my home. If I’m taking you out for a drink, I want to know what is it that you’re looking for. If you can’t tell me what you’re looking for? It’s a nonstarter. Or if you say I’m on [this app] out of boredom it’s a nonstarter, because how am I supposed to trust you with my future if you haven’t been thoughtful or purposeful with your own?

So with threesomes it’s like: What are you looking to get out of this? What are your boundaries? What’s most important to you in this experience? Should I focus more on your partner or should I focus more on you? If someone’s not receiving enough attention how do we realign and get back on track? If you have these conversations early and often, you know what you’re getting into and it creates a good, equitable experience for everyone.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Intimacy Myths And How To Overcome Them

By Row Light

Myths surrounding sexuality are nothing new, and they have long played a role in how we treat the sexes differently across cultures. Though (most of us) now believe in the female orgasm and that consent is not only preferable but necessary for any sexual act, there is still plenty of misinformation making the rounds, as we’ve seen in the tragically spot-on portrayal of confused teenagers in the series “Sex Education.”

However, it isn’t too late to figure out myth from truth, and you can find new perspectives on ethical sex-ploration that might just be game-changers in your personal life. Glam spoke with Angie Rowntree, founder and director of Sssh.com, a platform for adult entertainment with women’s pleasure at its center, and she provided powerful insight into why myths around sex need to be addressed and amended. She told us, “Myths can lead to you sabotaging your relationship and your overall happiness–and often doing so under false pretenses.” We also got in touch with sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, a resident sex expert at Lovers, a platform for adult toys, educational resources, and wellness tips. Both experts’ lists of myths complemented and added to each other’s, and we were left with a wealth of advice on how to keep our sex lives steamy and sustainable.

Myth #1: your partner won’t want to try new things

Sexual myths are so prevalent there have even been studies on the phenomenon, such as a study published in Medicina Clínica, and its possible adverse effects. Of those surveyed, 16.9% viewed intercourse via penetration, aka coitus, as “normal” sex. However, Marla Renee Stewart shared the first myth that she would like us to remove from our belief system surrounding intimacy: “Your lover would not be into what you want to do (without asking the lover first).” It can be intimidating to discuss your desires with a partner when you haven’t opened that door for communication. But finding a common language to speak with your partner about what you want is the first step in finding a path toward your sexual fulfillment.

Even if your partner isn’t interested in pursuing your latest idea in the bedroom, talking about what you’d like to try can expand your sexual vocabulary and lead to new and exciting experimentation. Assuming that your desires are in some way wrong or unacceptable can stand in the way of true intimacy with your partner. Instead, the bedroom should be a safe space to be vulnerable where you leave damaging assumptions at the door.

Myth #2: there is a right amount of sex to have weekly

Marla Renee Stewart’s next sexual myth may feel familiar to those who are used to measuring their relationships against cultural norms or expectations. Her next myth is that “you need to have sex at least 3 times a week to remain connected to your lover.” On TV and in movies, couples may complain about irregular patterns of intimacy, or envy those who represent what they view as a “normal” sex life. But intimacy is an individual experience, and each relationship requires different forms of maintenance and closeness to thrive.

This myth ignores differences in sex drives, as well as those on the asexual and demisexual spectrum who may rely more on other forms of intimacy to nourish their partnerships. Ultimately, if you and your partner feel good about the amount of sex you’re having, there’s no rule about what constitutes a good sex life.

Angie Rowntree also offers her own version of this myth: “All partnerships are the same and must have the same parameters.” She explained, “Yes, healthy relationships all have certain qualities or traits in common; however, beyond those parameters, what ultimately works for the two of you might not be the same as what works for your friends, colleagues, and family members in their private life.” She also emphasized the importance of not letting yourself get caught up in comparing your relationship to others.

Myth #3: we can’t bring our whole selves into partnerships

Marla Renee Stewart also reminded us that we need to honor ourselves to fully honor our relationships. The myth? “You may need to sacrifice important parts of you if you want to be in a relationship.” But being truly intimate with someone means being honest about our goals, passions, and needs, no matter what might be expected of us.

Even if you feel self-conscious about whether you check all your partner’s boxes, it’s important to remember that you are both just people trying to build and maintain a connection. There will always be parts of your partner that bother you, and you may not share all of the same interests. But as Angie Rowntree reminds us, “Life is not an Instagram reel, and being hung up on an ideal will always make you miss the love and joy that is right in front of you.”

Especially when it comes to outside perspectives on our relationships, we shouldn’t buy into the idea that others’ opinions hold more weight than our own experiences in a partnership. “No one knows what really happens behind closed doors when it is just the two of you…and we say that’s a good thing!” Rowntree adds. “You honestly don’t need anyone’s “likes” or “hearts” of approval if you are in a happy, healthy relationship.”

Myth #4: it’s monogamy or bust

Our sexpert Marla Renee Stewart’s next myth is one that our culture at large is still grappling with and that the media is only just starting to address: “True intimacy can only happen in a monogamous relationship.” Though TV shows like “The L Word: Generation Q” and “Good Trouble” are exploring polyamorous storylines and depicting characters’ lived experiences, there is still plenty of content that misses the mark when it comes to relationship models outside of monogamy.

Just like we can have close ties with our friends and non-romantic relationships, we can find other forms of intimacy outside of our partnerships. This doesn’t take away from any given relationship and, in fact, may help us feel held by our community rather than relying on a single person to meet all of our emotional needs.

Angie Rowntree also offers a version of this myth: “Intimacy is only for couples.” She told Glam, “Guess who needs to be your lover before anyone else? YOU do!” Exploring our needs alone can help us figure things out before a partner is introduced into the equation. She added, “Your relationship status either way should never stop you from enjoying your own body and exploring your sexuality in a healthy way. By giving yourself pleasure (and orgasms) you affirm your own worthiness to receive pleasure — and can thus carry those good vibes (literal and figurative!) into the bedroom with your partner.”

Myth #5: good sex comes naturally

Working hard on a relationship or your sex life doesn’t mean a match isn’t meant to be. Marla Renee Stewart’s next myth is that “if the sex is bad, it can improve with more time.” This may sound discouraging if things aren’t satisfying at the beginning of a relationship, but the expert isn’t telling you to give up entirely when you’re left wanting more. Instead, working together and communicating are the only ways to improve an intimate dynamic — if we don’t tell them what we want, we also shouldn’t wait around for our partners to read our minds. As Angie Rowntree told Glam, “Better communication equals better sex and deeper intimacy.”

Rowntree also advised us to turn our focus inward when we’re struggling with sex: “Great sex starts with you loving your own body and learning about what gives you pleasure.” She also made sure to recommend specific methods for learning about our pleasure centers and individual desires. “Thanks to any number of amazing products, it’s easier than ever to begin a journey of sensual self-discovery. People who masturbate and know their own bodies generally tend to be more generous lovers too.” If you’re looking for penetration via a non-realistic toy, the snail vibe from Lovers might be the perfect way to explore internal and external stimulation simultaneously. Or if you’re looking for innovative stimulation, you can check out the Womanizer Classic 2.0, which uses air pulsator technology to provide a new kind of sex toy experience.

Myth #6: grand gestures are all that matters

Sexpert Marla Renee Stewart notes that, unsurprisingly, prescriptive relationship advice may not always be our ticket to happiness. “Don’t go to bed angry” may be a common platitude, but it may also mean smoothing over issues that required a deeper resolution. Angie Rowntree added her own perspective on the work necessary to keep a relationship healthy, even if it requires more energy and thought than we might think. Her next myth states, “Intimacy is self-sustaining when you are in a relationship, and you don’t need to work on it.” Rowntree explains, “This is probably the BIGGEST myth: after the “happily ever after” the work stops.”

Actively choosing to be with your partner and working toward healthy communication can require giving each other more time to resolve a conflict, and Rowntree emphasized that love is not a passive process. “Yes, real life can serve up plenty of stress and grief,” she told us. “And sometimes our intimate partnerships are impacted or changed — but that’s why the best intimacy is the kind that evolves and adapts with you both. If you choose each other and choose to weather the storms of life, then why wouldn’t you choose to also nurture the passion?”

Ultimately, expressing care over time may not require drastic changes to your relationship dynamic. But Rowntree also referenced another myth: “The “little things” you do for each other are not powerful.” She amends this, saying, “When you do feel disconnected, often the “little things” are the breadcrumb trail that can help lead you back to each other’s arms.”

Myth #7: we should automatically know how to have a healthy relationship

Lovers’ resident sexpert Marla Renee Stewart has passed on her sage wisdom and wants to make sure that folks know they aren’t alone in trying to meet impossible relationship standards. “These myths dampen people’s sex lives because they might feel shame, stigma, or unmet expectations that can cause anxiety,” she explains. “Believing in any myths that keep you from reaching your full potential with your lover(s) can take a negative toll on your relationship(s) and cause unnecessary harm.”

Thankfully, experts have our backs when it comes to undoing damaging beliefs surrounding our relationships. “You will have the freedom to establish what is good and right for you and your lover(s),” Stewart assures us. “Talking with your lover(s), establishing your wants and needs and desires, and allowing each person to pursue their own sexuality is one of the keys to a satisfying relationship that all parties would appreciate.”

Angie Rowntree also spoke up about how we can work on ourselves to make sure we’re in the best place to connect intimately with others. “If you become a good friend/lover to yourself first, you won’t be dating and relating to your partner out of fear of being alone. Instead, you’ll be confident, open, and emotionally available, which totally enhances your partnership for the long haul.” So, you heard it here first: our intimate relationships only benefit when we trust ourselves instead of hearsay, and it’s time to prioritize our freedom over fear.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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LGBTQ+ mental health

— From anxiety to abuse, how to better protect yourself and seek support

by Jamie Windust

Open dialogue around mental health is becoming more consistent every single day. Whether it be in the workplace or at home, as a society we are learning to talk more about what’s going on in our minds.

But what if you’re LGBTQ+? Often we face specific challenges that our non-queer counterparts don’t face. Anxieties around coming out or transitioning can make life hard in ways that we can’t always openly share.

To help out, GAY TIMES sat down with LGBTQ+ psychiatrist Dr David McLaughlan to ask some of the most common questions LGBTQ+ people have surrounding their mental health. See this as a resource to save and keep handy whenever you feel like there isn’t a space to have your questions answered.

Is there anything LGBTQ+ people should avoid doing if they’re struggling with their mental health?

Be wary of ‘quick fixes’ or self medicating with drugs and alcohol. It almost always makes things worse. I’d also avoid bottling things up. If something doesn’t seem right, don’t just leave it and hope it gets better by itself. Sometimes it can feel frightening asking for help, but almost no one regrets it once they’ve done it. It’s a bit like coming out – liberating and a relief.

Who should LGBTQ+ people try and speak to if they’re worried about their mental health?

You should speak to anyone you feel comfortable with. The most important thing is just speaking to someone. It could be your best friend, your sibling, a neighbour or even a stranger. Sometimes just hearing yourself acknowledge your own mental health out loud can be the first step. I’ve had patients who told me that they began by journaling first. This helped them reflect upon their thoughts and feelings by themselves before they felt confident enough to talk about it out loud with another person.

What do you see most in LGBTQ+ people who come and speak to you about their mental health?

Lots of my LGBTQ+ patients have experienced trauma or adverse life events. Sometimes there is a significant event which triggered an initial deterioration in their mental health, such as an assault. However, there often is an insidious accumulation of trauma or adverse life effects which accumulate over time.

These are things like bullying, discrimination or micro-aggressions. It can happen anywhere; at home with family, in the workplace or out in public when using public transport for example. On a cellular level, trauma or an adverse life event exposes our neurons (the cells in the brain responsible for receiving sensory input from the external world) to the stress hormone cortisol, which is cytotoxic. This means that stress literally kills brain cells… In studies, scans have shown that people exposed to trauma or repeated adverse life events have structural differences in their brains.

In terms of diagnosis, I see a lot of anxiety disorders within the LGBTQ+ community. Anxiety disorders are a diverse range of conditions which include Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Panic Attacks as well as Generalised Anxiety Disorders and specific phobias. For example, Agoraphobia.

I also see lots of substance misuse. There are specific trends and patterns of substance misuse within LGBTQ+ subcultures. For example, the use of Crystal Meth within cis-gay men engaging in chemsex compared to an older cis-gay woman may be more vulnerable to alcohol abuse, often characterised by drinking alone at home.

One of the things I always try to communicate and recognise is that we are a really diverse community, with diverse biological, social and psychological experiences and accordingly, our needs are really diverse which makes it tricky sometimes to understand and support everyone. However, the key is to continuously listen and actively seek opportunities to learn.

What are your top tips for handling anxiety around coming out?

It’s okay to feel anxious about coming out. It can be a really big deal for some people and it’s not always easy. Each of us has a different set of circumstances that we have to navigate when we come out. Our families, friends, homelife, cultural background, careers and environment all play a big part in the experience of coming out.

However, sometimes when we are really anxious we imagine that things will be much worse than they really will. These negative predictions about the future can be affected by a cognitive distortion called ‘catastrophisation’. In this situation, our mind goes into ‘what if’ mode, automatically imagining the worst possible thing that could happen.

It might be worth gently challenging some of these predictions. Ask yourself, ‘Is it possible that I could be catastrophising?’, ‘Are there other possible outcomes which aren’t as bad?’.

The most important thing is doing it when you feel safe and ready.

What should LGBTQ+ people do if they’re struggling with alcohol or drug dependency?

LGBTQ+ people are disproportionately affected by drug and alcohol misuse as well as mental health difficulties. Despite this, they’re less likely to ask for help, with 14% reporting a fear of discrimination as the barrier to seeking mainstream support. 

According to Stonewall’s LGBT Health In Britain Report (2018) and the UK Household Longitudinal Study (Becares. L 2020)

  • 1 in 6 LGBTQ+ people said they drank alcohol almost every day over the last year
  • 1 in 5 Gay, Bisexual or Trans men drank alcohol almost everyday over the last year compared to 13% of LGBT women and 11% of non-binary people
  • 52% of LGBT people experienced depression in the last year
  • LGBT older women are almost twice as likely as heterosexual women to have harmful drinking habits. 

This was, in part, why I co-founded Jitai – an app which helps people reduce or cut down drinking. I felt passionately that everyone who wants to reduce or quit drinking, should be able to access support, regardless of their sexuality, gender or financial status.

The app will offer a range of personalised tools and techniques such as mindfulness, breathing exercises and its own unique motivation board to help beat temptation. In our first pilot study, 90% of our users told us that we had helped them achieve their goal of cutting down or quitting drinking. 

We’ve had some really incredible feedback from users which was amazing and made me realise that we are really helping people. 

What’s the best way to deal with social anxiety as an LGBTQ+ person?

A lot of LGBTQ+ people experience social anxiety. We grew up in a world where being ourselves was potentially something dangerous or put us at risk of bullying or social exclusion. 

One of the exercises that I do with my patients at The Prior Hospital in Roehampton is an attention training exercise. I ask my patients to practise shifting the focus of attention away from themselves and onto the world around them. 

Stage 1 is to recognise when you are experiencing self-conscious thoughts, feelings or bodily sensations. For example, thoughts such as ‘everyone is staring at me, I sound so stupid’.

Stage 2 is about shifting the focus of your attending away from our internal world and fixing it onto the world around us. Start by taking a few deep breaths, then looking around you. What can you see? Do you notice anything interesting about the shapes, colours or textures? How would you describe an object you’re looking at to someone who had never seen it before? Can you take a curious, non-judgemental approach and work through each of your five senses to draw the focus of your attention away from yourself and onto the world around you?

Your mind is like a muscle. This exercise can be tricky at first, but gets easier with practice.

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