Month: December 2022

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My Husband and I Are in a Long-Distance Relationship

—And It’s Actually Pretty Great

By Vrutika Shah

The world has never been kind to a long-distance relationship. While life never tires of throwing lemons your way with the utmost unpredictability, you never see pop culture deliver a fairytale romance that gives the hardest kind of relationship its due credit. On the contrary, it’s dismissed as a facade for underlying, superficial intentions. On an episode of How I Met Your Mother, protagonist Ted Mosby sums it up by saying, “Long distance is just a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.” Even in these fictional tales, if the love story somehow results in a happy ending, there are elements of infidelity that often come into play. However, as someone who’s been in a six-year long-distance relationship that culminated in marriage, I’m here to tell you that it’s not that bad. In fact, it’s actually pretty great.

My husband and I met like most other couples, at a common friend’s party in 2017. He works in the merchant navy and is usually away at sea for six months at a time. We began dating within six months of meeting one other and got married earlier this year. Since he proposed to me in 2019, people who learn about my relationship usually react with a sympathetic head tilt and ask the same three questions. So, I’m answering them once and for all in the hope that someone might find respite in my story, especially in times when dating apps are wreaking havoc on romance.

To be honest, I’m kind of tired of the pessimism that comes hand-in-hand with the concept of long-distance relationships. Let’s begin with the premise that in order for your relationship to work, your partner and you should bring each other great joy, satisfy each other mentally and physically, and have no issues that cannot be solved with loving words. Like in any relationship, the red flags should be limited to the kind that you can tolerate because, let’s be real, nobody’s perfect and you too come with your own baggage.

The first argument against long-distance relationships is usually: How do you keep your sights locked onto just one person that you don’t see very often? This question always baffles me, because what’s the guarantee that your devotion towards one another won’t waiver even if you live in the same town as your partner? People cheat on one another despite living under the same roof, and the answer really boils down to the nature of your relationship and how much loyalty means to your partner and you. For my husband and me, in the first month of meeting one another and confessing our feelings, we placed loyalty significantly high on the list of things that had to be a part of our relationship for it to work. We went in with the mindset that we saw something long-term with one another. And since then, a third person has never entered the picture. We were both so confident in our connection that there was never a question of our sights yo-yo-ing, but we also shut down any advances made by a third party at the first instance. That’s not to say that monogamy should be the way for everybody—all I’m trying to say is that your partner and you need to be on the same page with clear priorities.

The second question I usually get from concerned friends and relatives is: Don’t you get lonely? I usually respond with a firm no and a dismissive shrug, but I always wonder if, as a society, we’re still stuck in the ’90s mindset that you can’t function without a partner. Even today, so many of my own friends don’t step out of the house without their significant other. To me, this makes no sense. I work a 9-to-5 job, I have two sets of friends, two families, and two dogs to care for. And even if I choose to just have a mellow night, I’m perfectly happy in my own company. The limited time that my husband and I get to do a video call during the day feels like a well-earned break and I love that he is my space for venting and nurturing. This allows both of us to have a world outside our relationship and thrive in it, rather than mushing into each other’s personalities.

And lastly, because I know this question is already in your head: Is it extra magical every time you are together? Hell yes! Picking my husband up from the airport is our tradition. Even after six years together, instead of having a mutually agreed-upon place to meet, we struggle to find each other in the parking lot. But when I finally spot him, every cell in my body launches towards him and I don’t care about who’s watching. We usually have big plans made for our next adventure together, but even just sitting around, watching TV or doing chores, brings us genuine pleasure. And then, when it’s time to go our separate ways, instead of being sad and sappy, we make it a priority to make every last bit of time count and then say our goodbyes with a smile and a whole lot of support. This has also allowed both of us to be just as crazy about one another as we were when we started dating. We legitimately enjoy each other’s company and count it as a privilege.

I won’t say long-distance relationships aren’t hard. A big part of being in love makes you want to experience all the wonderful and terrible things in life along with your partner. That feeling of I wish you were here never goes away. Your communication skills are tested to the limit, especially if different time zones, network issues, and busy schedules are involved. But if you can cross those hurdles, your relationship has passed the hardest test and can withstand almost any curveballs that may come your way. Compromises don’t feel like a big deal because your partner is well aware of your limits, and vice versa.

Long-distance relationships not only force you to be your partner’s best friend and confidante, but also allow a space for your individuality to shine through. It’s easy to become a little self-involved from time to time, but I have found that being in a long-distance relationship allows you to gain a wider perspective. It somehow gives you the power to make your problems seem smaller than they are in your mind. When you know somebody’s in your corner and always rooting for you, there are very few things in life that can really bring you down. For example, when my husband is sailing, we face network issues very often that present themselves in the form of lags and reconnections. But after years of navigating through them, we’ve got to a point where we’re so in tune with one another that we can manage to have an entire conversation with the delayed responses no longer posing a problem. If that’s not in sync, I don’t know what is.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Am I Bisexual? 9 Signs You Might Be

+ Common Questions About Being Bi

by Marj Ostani

While society is arguably more accepting of diverse sexualities these days, figuring out how to define your own personal sexual identity can still be confusing—especially when you’re still trying to make sense of what all these terms mean. Figuring out your sexual orientation might be difficult or take time, and that’s OK.

If you think you might be bisexual, you might be experiencing a mix of feelings: perhaps confusion, a bit of fear, and maybe, just maybe, a bit of excitement as you’re starting to identify this part of yourself. Ahead, we talk about how to know if you may be bisexual and what to do next if that may be the case.

What does it mean to be bisexual?

A bisexual person is someone who is romantically and sexually attracted to more than one gender, which might include women, men, nonbinary folks, and other genders.

Although the term was traditionally associated with attraction toward men and women, specifically, our understanding of sexual orientation and gender has evolved, and today bisexuality is not boxed as binary.

“In the past, we commonly thought of bisexuality as being ‘attracted to both sexes,’ but this more contemporary definition offers and honors gender identity over biological sex and is more inclusive in that way,” Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R, CST, sex therapist and director at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center, tells mbg.

Bisexuality conforms to no rules when it comes to the type or amount of attraction a person must feel to be considered bisexual. It is not a box to fit into but a doorway to discover one’s authentic self.

“Bisexuality can mean attraction to people of your gender and other genders, attraction to multiple genders, and/or being attracted to two or more genders,” Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, licensed therapist and co-founder of Viva, tells mbg.

According to a 2022 Gallup report, 7.1% of U.S. adults identify as LGBTQ+. Of those LGBTQ+ folks, a whopping 57% are bisexual, making it the single largest group within the LGBTQ+ community.

There is not one single process for identifying one’s sexual preferences; the experience can vary from person to person. That said, here are some of the most common signs that you may be bisexual:

1. Your feelings confuse you.

Regardless of your identity, feelings in general can be confusing. However, one sign that you may be bisexual is feeling confused about your attraction to other people, especially when it comes to what genders you are or aren’t attracted to. Bi feelings can be confusing—especially if you’ve grown up in a traditional household or have preferred one gender for most of your life.

2. You’ve had confusing friendships in the past.

Have you ever felt a weird connection with a friend but were too afraid to confront it? Do you always find yourself afraid to “cross that one thin line”? That may be a sign of bisexuality. Confusing “nonromantic” or “quasi-romantic” relationships can be a common experience for bisexual people.

3. You’ve felt drawn in by people of more than one gender.

For many people, physical attraction is often the first step when it comes to developing deeper feelings for someone. One of the most common telltale sign that you may be bisexual is if you feel an undeniable attraction toward a person’s appearance and looks, regardless of their gender.

4. Your sexual fantasies aren’t always heterosexual in nature. 

Do you fantasize about physically being with people of various genders? Has your porn history begun to expand to include scenes outside of just the heterosexual norm? These are all signs you’re likely sexually attracted to more than one gender.

5. One’s gender doesn’t stop you from wanting a relationship with them.

Bisexuality equips you with the capacity to fully love and date multiple genders (or even all of them!). Visualizing a long-term relationship with someone outside of their gender is a good sign that you may be bisexual. You might be more comfortable with one specific gender over others, but if you could see yourself dating people of different genders, that may signal some bisexual inclinations.

6. You are attracted to fictional characters, regardless of their gender…

…or relate more to bisexual characters on your favorite show, movie, or book. Though this does not immediately confirm you are bisexual, having a sense of attraction, connection, or pride with these characters can be good indicators that you might be one.

7. You have answered lots of “Am I Bi?” quizzes online.

Ever tried to take an online quiz to confirm if you’re bisexual? This could mean that you are having conflicting feelings or emotions over yourself or someone, and finding answers online seems like the only way to help. You may brush it off as a silly little quiz, or you may do it “just for fun,” but questioning to this extent alone is something many LGBTQ+ people experience.

8. The “bi” label resonates.

Labels can be overwhelming for everyone. However, when you read or hear about bisexuality and what it means, you find yourself validated and understood. If you’re comfortable using and being called this label, it’s a good sign that you may indeed be bisexual.

“Many people will also define their sense of bisexuality on their own terms as well, so it’s important to be curious about not just what terms people use to identify themselves but also the importance of that identity to them personally,” Caraballo adds.

Something in you clicks—you just know it. Many recount their experience as just the realization hitting them, like they have known it all along. All it took was one encounter, one experience, or one moment of reckoning, and everything fell into place.

“Ultimately, each person will relate to and define their sexuality differently,” Kahn adds. “It’s about what words mean to you and your communities, and why that word choice is most accurate or meaningful to you.”

I think I may be bisexual — what now?

Bisexuality is a unique identity that is worthy of acceptance and all the same rights as any other sexual orientation. Resonating with this identity may be overwhelming at first, but it is an exciting journey toward self-discovery and self-love.

Here are a few things to keep in mind if you think you may be bisexual:

1. Validate yourself.

“It’s important to people who are learning more about themselves in this area to give themselves a lot of grace and compassion,” Caraballo says. “There are a lot of external messages and voices that contribute to our internal programming and belief systems. This can make feeling secure in your identity difficult.”

While there may be misconceptions and prejudice surrounding bisexuality, know that it truly is something to celebrate. Your identity is valid, and understanding your sexual preferences better is always a good thing.

“If you’re having a hard time figuring out your sexuality, just remember that there’s no rush to figure anything out and that coming into your sexuality is a fluid experience that can change over your lifetime,” Kahn reminds.

2. Don’t pressure yourself to “come out.” 

On that note, you may be wondering whether you need to “come out” to others about your newfound identity. Coming out is very personal, and it’s all up to you. Some decide to come out as a way of introducing their true selves, while others don’t feel the need to do so. You don’t have to come out if you don’t want to or before you’re ready, nor do you have to be open about your sexuality and preferences to everyone.

3. Keep learning about queerness and unlearning heteronormativity.

“A large part of realizing one’s sexuality often involves unlearning heterocentric and queer-phobic cultural narratives and beliefs that we’ve all internalized,” says Caraballo, “while creating space in yourself and perhaps with others to explore and stay connected to what YOU like, want and desire.”

4. Find a support system and community.

Of course, not everybody will understand your bisexuality, and you’ll probably receive a wide range of reactions, especially from the people you care about. So surrounding yourself with people who understand, support, and love you is one of the best and more important parts of this journey.

Keep in mind that you need to open up to people you trust and feel comfortable talking with. Caraballo suggests relying on your more accepting friends and family members, as well as therapists familiar with supporting LGBTQ+ people, for ongoing support in your self-discovery process. This support network can help you process new knowledge and emotions that you are unfamiliar with. It is always easier to work it out with someone else.

5. Spend time in queer spaces.

“Spending time with LGBTQ+ folks, or in those spaces, often allows for more clarity and experiences to draw from as you move forward on your journey of self-discovery and acceptance,” Caraballo says.

In all of the confusion, it can be comforting to hear stories from other people’s experiences; knowing that other people may be going through the same things as you are can allow you to gain confidence and find reassurance that everything will be OK.

Caraballo also suggests exploring queer books, movies, and other media.

6. Know how to protect yourself.

Regardless of your identity, knowing how to protect yourself sexually should be one of your top priorities. This involves deciding on your sexual nonnegotiables, identifying what you want and don’t want to do with your partners, and communicating your emotional needs.

Misconceptions about bisexuality:

It’s always just black or white.

Many tend to confuse bisexuality as the attraction to men and women alone. In reality, you can be both bisexual and nonbinary, and being bisexual can include attraction to nonbinary people. Bisexuality is just about being attracted to more than just one gender; it’s not specific to just men and women. 

You need to be equally attracted to all genders.

There is also a notion that bisexuals’ attraction is split 50/50 (e.g., equally attracted to men as to women). In most cases though, bi folks are more interested in certain genders than others.

Bisexual people are attracted to everyone all the time.

One of the most popular myths about bisexuals is that they’re “playing on both fields” to “take every chance they get.” This misconception attaches a stigma that bisexuals are more promiscuous than others, given their much bigger dating pool–which is false. In reality, just like a straight woman isn’t attracted to every man she meets, a bisexual person experiences attraction only to specific people who fit their fancy.

It’s just a phase.

Bisexuals often hear the phrase “pick a lane,” suggesting that bisexuality is just a phase and they are bound to choose one gender in the long run. On the contrary though, bisexuality is not just an experimental or transitional phase.

The takeaway.

Bisexuality is not only a phase. Bisexuality is not playing on both fields. It is an expression of feelings, identity, and preferences that are not bound by stereotypes.

However, having to define yourself and identify your preferences need not be rushed. You can take it slow. Explore the idea, see how this label feels, and know that at the end of the day, only you can decide if you are bisexual or not. While labels can provide comfort and validation, your sexual identity is just one part of who you are and one single puzzle piece in the journey to loving yourself better.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to navigate a sexual dry spell in your relationship, or on your own

Everything can remind you of sex if you’re not getting any, but there are ways to get through a phase of inactivity

by Brit Dawson

Of all the jaw drop moments on the most recent season of The White Lotus, one of the biggest talking points was how married couple Ethan and Harper reignited a fallow sexual period in their relationship by cheating, or at least seeming to do so. What the show captured was how periods of infrequent sex and communicating your low libido can feel like a taboo for couples in their thirties.

The marriage may have been fictional but their problems are anything but. Just look at the sexless community of Reddit’s DeadBedrooms, where hundreds of thousands of people struggling with a lack of sexual intimacy in their relationships share their issues. However you handle it, when you’re in a so-called ‘sexual dry spell’, not only can everything remind you of sex, but it can often feel like you’re the only one not getting any. This makes it much easier to catastrophise, particularly if you’re in a relationship.

“It’s so easy to get caught up in box-ticking with sex, where if you’re not having it more than twice a week, it means there’s something wrong with your relationship,” says sex and relationships coach Lucy Rowett.

But rest assured, you’re not alone. In fact, as the idiom goes, nothing in this world is certain except death, taxes, and an inevitable sexual dry spell that leaves you frustrated, confused, and incredibly horny. And, whether it’s by choice or not, there’s a myriad of reasons that could be causing a dry spell – each of which are unique to the individual or couple. Not all of which necessarily mean your relationship, or, if you’re single, dating prospects, are doomed.

So, for those who don’t want to ‘fix’ a sexless marriage the White Lotus way, and for singles navigating a dry spell alone, Rowett is on hand to explain why you might not be having sex right now, and offer tips on how to reignite your sexual spark.

Why am I in a sexual dry spell?

There’s plenty of logistical reasons why someone might not be having much sex at a particular moment. For single people, it could be chalked up to a lack of suitable partners, healing after a break-up, or – as is increasingly common with dating via apps – a period of time where you swear off dating and sex completely. For couples, a lack of sex could relate to differing schedules, living long distances apart, or, for parents, a lack of time alone.

For everyone, though, emotional issues play a major role in our feelings of both self-confidence and sexual desire. Chronic stress, mental or physical illness, major life events like bereavement or pregnancy, or even unresolved conflicts or communication difficulties in relationships can all affect our libidos.

Then there’s additional factors at play in relationships. Rowett explains that it’s completely normal for the initial passion and desire you feel during the ‘honeymoon stage’ to wane after the first six months to a year of being together. “In the world of polyamory and consensual non-monogamy, it’s known as ‘new relationship energy’,” she continues. “This is because when you’re first together, your brains are all for intents and purposes, high on a cocktail of hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and norepinephrine.” As you start to settle into relationship familiarity, these hormones taper off. “If you don’t know what’s happening, you can mistake this for falling out of love with each other and think there’s something wrong.”

Ultimately, Rowett believes that sexual dry spells – for anyone – are often a source of confusion because of most people’s “lack of knowledge and understanding about how desire works in the first place, how to communicate what they want, and even knowing who they are as sexual beings and how to communicate that”.

How can I talk to my partner about it?

Broaching the topic of why you aren’t having sex can be a scary thing to do with your partner, particularly if you’re unsure about whether there’s a deeper reason behind it. So, before launching into a random splurge of thoughts, Rowett recommends considering your setting. “Start the conversation somewhere neutral where you both feel relaxed, for example over dinner, when you’re watching TV, or even on a walk together,” she suggests. Then, when it comes to the content of your talk, it’s important not to dive in with accusations or presumptions about why you’re in a dry spell. “Start with how you feel about it and how much you miss intimacy with each other, and then ask your partner how they feel and what you want,” explains Rowett. “When they speak, make sure you actually listen and empathise with how they feel, even if you don’t agree with them.”

How can I reignite my sexual spark?

Okay, so you’ve had the hard conversation with your partner, and perhaps now you’re wondering how to reignite your sexual spark, but without it feeling awkward and forced. “Start by going back to the foundations,” says Rowett. “Plan dates with each other, start touching and holding hands again, send flirty texts or leave little notes for each other.” If you work different hours or one person travels a lot, it might be worth scheduling in time for intimacy – not necessarily a sex schedule, but allotted moments to spend quality time together, which could then naturally lead to sex.

One key element of rediscovering your own sexual desire in a relationship is to create some distance between you and your partner sometimes. This can start with nurturing your own interests and passions to make sure you’re not living in your partner’s pocket. “Start doing things that make you excited again,” suggests Rowett, “go out with your friends, take up that hobby you always wanted to.”

For anyone – single or in a relationship – Rowett says the most important thing to remember is that “you are your first lover, so treat yourself that way”. Masturbation is a great way to reignite your own sex fires, but, as Rowett puts it, it’s not just about doing it “from time to time to scratch an itch”, but rather “treating yourself as you wish to be treated by a lover”. A dry spell might be a good time to explore novel toys, learn new masturbation techniques, or join sexuality workshops to learn something new. “Think of this as the perfect time to work on yourself,” she continues. “Get clear on your boundaries, needs, and what you actually want.”

Of course, it’s also important to interrogate the root of why you might not be interested in sex right now. Take the time to work on your own mental or physical health, or to manage any considerable stresses in your life. If you’re feeling lighter and happier yourself, your sex life will, unsurprisingly, benefit too.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Pleasure Centers On Your Body You Didn’t Even Know About

By Hannah Rice

Most people have heard the expressions “getting to first base” or “scoring a home run.” These sayings turn sports metaphors into sexual allusions, hinting at a certain goal that is supposed to result from physical intimacy. And, to plenty of folks, that mentality makes sense. After all, is there a problem with bringing an “eyes on the prize” attitude into the bedroom? Well, according to sexologists, the answer is: Yes.

Debby Herbenick, PH.D., M.P.H., is a sexual health professor, per her personal website. In a piece she wrote for Psychology Today, Herbenick explained that being too focused on one area of the body can be detrimental to one’s sex life. “In the quest for sexual pleasure, we too often focus squarely on one another’s genitals as if those few square inches hold the only key to ecstasy,” she wrote. Apparently, this sense of tunnel vision can lead to dissatisfaction over time. Herbenick warned, “[S]ex runs the risk of turning stale unless partners pay attention to each other and to more than just the [obvious pleasure centers].”

To achieve a happier and healthier sex life, couples can try to let go of goal-based intimacy and strive for something more holistic. One way that partners can do this is by focusing less on the areas below the belt and, instead, putting more effort into other parts of the body. In doing so, couples can discover the many pleasure centers that exist, from their scalps to their toes.

The lower back

Woman touches partner's back

At first glance, the lower back might not seem like the sexiest part of the body. However, sexologists report that it is actually a powerful pleasure center. According to Astroglide’s resident sexologist, Dr. Jess O’Reilly, the lower back can experience intense feelings of enjoyment. As O’Reilly told SheKnows, certain individuals find that, “their lower back is the most sensitive area of their body.” Per the sexologist, the area can be stimulated through some tickling, and can even result in “orgasmic sensations.”

The reason for the lower back’s intense sensitivity can be traced to the area’s anatomy. In an interview with Metro, Dr. Deborah Lee, a sexual health physician, revealed that many women experience lower back pleasure, thanks to a bone called the sacrum. Located above the tailbone, the sacrum is able to stimulate many of the nerve endings in the pelvic area. Per the doctor, many women can experience orgasm when their partner massages this area. “A ‘sacr[al] orgasm’ is another way of achieving female orgasm, by directly stimulating nerves in the sacral [lower back] area,” she told Metro. While Dr. Lee suggested massaging the lower back on its own, she also recommended touching this body part throughout intercourse. “Women often find sexual stimulation, such as stroking, or applying pressure on their lower back directly over the sacral region, highly pleasurable during sex,” she revealed.

The shoulders

Woman receives massage

The lower back isn’t the part of the body that could benefit from a nice, gentle massage. A good old-fashioned shoulder rub could also help partners access their pleasure centers by fostering a sense of relaxation. According to My Health Alberta, shoulder massages can help reduce tension and relieve stress. And the more relaxed that partners feel during an intimate moment, the more satisfaction they experience.

The reason for this is that stress has a direct impact on sex drive. In an interview with Talkspace, psychologist Rachel O’Neill, Ph.D., LPCC-S, explained that an increase in stress can cause a decrease in sexual activity. “When you’re stressed … you may not feel much responsive or spontaneous desire for sex,” O’Neill revealed. The psychologist also went on to warn that stress can actually make sex feel like a chore. “It’s also possible that you may simply feel like sex is one more thing that you need to add to your to-do list,” she added.

Luckily, however, taking time to relax can greatly impact one’s libido. As sex therapist Diane Gleim LMFT, CST, wrote for a piece in Psychology Today, “Relaxation is a necessary part of not just sex but good sex.” Partners looking to sink into that relaxed state can exchange pleasurable shoulder massages. To achieve this, Health Alberta recommends “kneading” the two shoulder muscles softly and then slowly increasing pressure. For maximum enjoyment, try adding a soft squeeze to the back of the neck.

The spine

A fulfilling spine massage

While giving a relaxing shoulder massage, partners might want to stimulate some of the body’s other pleasure centers. One thing to consider is adding in some spine play. According to the experts, this can be a great way to simply enjoy your partner’s body or set the mood for sex. Chantelle Otten is an Australian psycho-sexologist who has also worked as an ambassador for Love Honey. In an interview with Body+Soul, Otten noted that not everyone knows just how pleasurable spine stimulation can be. “A zone that people can neglect is the spine,” she lamented. Nonetheless, the psychotherapist opined that many partners will enjoy spine stimulation if they follow a few tips. “[O]nce you trail a single finger, a pinwheel, or perhaps a feather tickler, down the length of your partner’s spine, you won’t forget this zone in a hurry,” she told Body+Soul.

The reason that spinal pleasure is so powerful has to do with the spine’s function in the body. As per the Cleveland Clinic, the spine sends nerve signals from the body to the brain and vis-versa. This means that one of your spine’s jobs is to report sensations back to your brain. And, as noted in Psychology Today, the spine even has a special pathway that only sends “pleasant touch” signals from the body to the brain. Because of this, partners might consider stimulating each other’s spines using their fingers, tongues, or even toys.

The armpits

Girl shows off underarms

Armpits might not have a great overall reputation. After all, they are one of the only body parts that inspired a special product designed to control their smell. (Cue: deodorant.) Nonetheless, armpits are a powerful part of the body when it comes to their erogenous potential. For one thing, armpits are rumored to secrete the scents that generate sexual attraction. As licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin, MFT, told Insider, “Some people believe the armpits to be an erogenous zone because they may secrete pheromones, but this is still debated.” For another thing, armpits are extremely sensitive to touch.

According to sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, a lot of people experience the armpits as a pleasure center simply because this zone is so often ignored during sex. In a conversation with mindbodygreen, Steward elaborated, “Kissing and teasing the armpit can be sexy for you, especially because it is a zone that doesn’t get touched often, so it’s more sensitive than a lot of the areas on the body.” She also explained that underarm pleasure doesn’t have to stop at simple touching. “Armpits get a bad rap because of the odors they emit, but for some of us, armpits are [also] erogenous to smell,” she added.

The neck

Woman touches her neck

The neck can be a serious pleasure center, thanks to the area’s overall sensitivity. As sexual health physician Dr. Rahul Gupta, MD, pointed out in a piece for Lybrae, both the nape of the neck and the back of the neck are “pleasure points” for some people. According to the physician, “[The nape of the neck is an] erogenous spot … packed with nerve endings.” Later, he explained that the blood flow through the back of the neck also stimulates feelings of pleasure. In a section on this area, Gupta wrote, “[Y]our neck acts as a hot spot: it’s extremely sensitive, full of blood vessels, and is associated with vulnerability.”

To stimulate neck pleasure, partners can try a unique breathing technique suggested by clinical sexologist Debra Laino, Ph.D. In an interview with Women’s Health, Laino revealed that partners can exhale on each other’s necks to achieve enjoyable results. “Even a faint breath excites the nerve endings on the neck and can be very arousing for both men and women,” Laino said. To put this principle into practice, partners can try lying down side-by-side and blowing lightly on the skin between the lower ear lobe and the collarbone. As things heat up, adding other factors, like kissing, nibbling, or licking, per Laino’s conversation with Women’s Health, can be fun.

The feet

Couple lounges in bed

The feet have long had a reputation for inspiring sexual desire, thanks to the notoriety of foot fetishes in contemporary culture. However, beyond the psychological stimulation that feet can create in some people, this body part can also produce physical pleasure. As Love Honey sexpert Annabelle Knight emphasized in an interview with Metro, “It is worth remembering, too, that the feet are erogenous zones in their own right, with 7,000 nerve endings.” Because of this massive quantity of nerve endings, some people can even achieve orgasm through foot stimulation– Although Knight explained that it’s not common. “Foot orgasms are incredibly rare and it is unlikely that you will be able to achieve an orgasm through foot stimulation alone,” she told Metro.

Nonetheless, there are plenty of ways that partners can enjoy each other’s feet. Per clinical sexologist Aliyah Moore, couples can start out by giving each other a simple foot massage. In an interview with Elle, Moore elaborated, “Many nerve endings cover the feet … So, massaging them creates exciting and intense sensations.” To alternate or vary these sensations, Moore recommended using toys. “For example, tickle your partner’s feet using a feather or a wisp of cotton or any subtly sharp object. You can also alternate between warm and cold things to stimulate the feet,” Moore told Elle.

The ears

Man whispers into ear

In the movie “Meet the Fockers,” Barbara Streisand’s character, Roz Focker, dished out some iconic sex advice: Stimulate the ears. In the context of a comedy film, this advice might seem funny. However, according to science, Roz Focker might just have been right. Per Medical News Today, the human ear has 25,000 nerve endings — More than three times the number of nerve endings in the feet. Because of this, the outlet reports, some people can even achieve orgasm through ear stimulation alone.

While not everyone may want to try for an “eargasm,” there are several alternative ways to experience ear pleasure. According to clinical sexologist Steve McGough, Ph.D., a massage can effectively stimulate this pleasure center. As McGough revealed in an interview with Women’s Health, gently massaging the ear can be especially enjoyable. “This area is connected to the vagus nerve, which travels from the skull downward through the heart, nipples, and genitals,” he told the outlet. McGough added that this massage could be especially stimulating for women. “Research has shown that the vagus nerve is involved in female orgasm,” he shared.

Luckily, a massage isn’t the only way to evoke ear pleasure. Partners can also use their fingertips and mouths to make each other feel good. In an interview with Insider, licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin, MFT, advised: “Try lightly caressing with a fingertip, nibbling on the earlobe, or tracing your tongue around the back of the ear.”

The cheeks

Kiss on the cheek

For some people, a kiss on the cheek seems more fit for their grandma than, say, a lover. However, when incorporated into a sexual context, cheek kisses can also be erogenous. According to Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist and the director of The Intimacy Institute, the cheeks respond well to touch. Speaking to Women’s Health, Skyler explained, “The cheeks are actually really sensitive. If you have your partner close their eyes as you softly caress their cheek, that can be really arousing.”

Interestingly, cheeks aren’t just a physical pleasure center — They are also an emotional one. In an interview with Elite Daily, body language expert Tonya Reiman analyzed the emotional impact of touching someone’s face. “When someone touches or strokes your hair and/or face during sex, it is typically a demonstration of affection. This is primal; it shows that they want to connect with you on more than a mere physical level,” Reiman said. The best part is that a kiss on the cheek can be extremely meaningful for the receiving partner. As New York-based sex therapist Stephen Snyder, M.D., told Women’s Health, this gesture “can activate deep feelings of being cared for.”

Consequently, partners looking to bring more sentimentality into their sex lives might want to stimulate each other’s cheeks. Caress them with a finger, nuzzle them with the nose, or shower them with kisses. Ultimately, showing the cheeks some love can also make one’s partner feel more loved.

The wrists

Couple uses handcuffs

Just like the cheeks, the inner wrist can be a pleasure center emotionally and physically. Nonetheless, NetDoctor reports that not everyone knows that this region has the potential to send shivers up the spine. As sex therapist Mia Sabat told the outlet, “It mightn’t be the first spot that comes to mind when you think of erogenous zones, but the inner wrist is incredibly sensitive.” Beyond the inner wrist’s physical sensitivity, the region also has the power to foster intimate communication between partners. In her conversation with NetDoctor, Sabat revealed, “Feeling your partner’s heart rate increase as you caress [their inner wrist] will turn you on, too.”

Some couples may also want to use their wrists to introduce a little bit of power play into their sex lives. According to sexologist Goody Howard, MSW, MPH, pairs can achieve this when one partner grabs the other one’s wrist during a sexual interaction. In an interview with mindbodygreen, Howard said, “Being pinned down by the wrists or a firm grip during a make-out session is common. Pressure play is a great way to explore pleasure with the wrists.” Couples looking to spice up their wrist play even further may consider experimenting with handcuffs or other forms of bondage.

The belly

A couples in bed

The belly represents a key piece of real estate on the human body as it is situated immediately above the genitals. Because of its prime location, the belly experiences heightened levels of sensitivity and erotic pleasure (via Insider). And, per a conversation between Women’s Day and certified sexuality educator Amy Levine, a small minority of people can orgasm from doing an ab workout. Levine told the outlet, “It’s unlikely that the majority of us will be able to experience [this] effect, but incorporating some ab work in the bedroom could help get you in the mood. Not to mention, the thought of [your partner] moving farther south can be downright exciting.”

While doing abdominal exercises could be very rewarding for some, it might be … well, anticlimactic for others. To stimulate the belly without doing crunches, partners can try gently touching each other’s stomachs. In an interview with Women’s Health, clinical sexologist, Renee Lanctot, Ph.D., recommended focusing on the region surrounding the belly button. “One of the best ways to approach belly button play is by circling the area: Use large circles that converge slowly, using the belly button as your bullseye,” Lanctot suggested. While some couples may enjoy using their fingers, others might prefer to use their tongues, or even a toy.

The scalp

Woman massages man's scalp

It’s no secret that a head rub can feel fantastic, but some folks may not know that the scalp is actually one of the body’s main pleasure centers. Because of its many nerve endings, the scalp is extra sensitive to touch, according to Prevention. This means that sexual partners can unlock the scalp’s feel-good potential via a gentle massage. According to Australian psycho-sexologist Chantelle Otten, one effective scalp rub technique can really heat things up during a make-out session. In an article for Body+Soul, Otten advised, “[O]nce you start kissing, run your nails through your partner’s hair and down the back of their scalp and neck to bring on those pleasurable feelings.” She suggested adding a bit of neck and ear action into this scalp play: “Moving your thumbs up behind the ear and down the nape of the neck are really hot ways to incorporate multiple erogenous zones.”

For partners looking to explore the spicier side of scalp play, it might also be gratifying to incorporate a bit of hair-pulling. As certified sex educator Emma McGowan told Glamour, hair-pulling can stimulate the scalp in a deeply satisfying way. “Your scalp has thousands of little nerve endings, and if you’ve ever had your hair pulled during sex, you know it’s an erogenous zone,” she told the outlet. Before pulling someone’s hair, however, remember that it is important to ask for consent.

The hands

Holding hands in bed

Holding hands can be a sweet gesture in public, but in private, it can actually be kind of steamy. In an interview with Well+Good, sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., explained that the hands are a pleasure center, capable of receiving intense enjoyment. To tap into these good feelings, O’Reilly suggested that partners try rubbing each other’s palms. “Consider giving your partner’s hand (or your own) a sensual massage using your thumb to work in sweeping ovals … You can also trace your fingertips around the palm with a feather-light touch or play with their fingers in your hand with a gentle stroking and circular motion,” she told Well+Good.

Couples looking to connect more deeply during sex might also consider using their hands to foster a sense of emotional closeness. Patti Wood, a body language expert, told Elite Daily that holding hands during these intimate moments can help partners bond. As Wood told the outlet, “[Holding hands during sex is] a sign of tenderness, and it’s a signal of connection, rather than just passion or lust.” The body language expert added that a person who grabs their partner’s hand is trying to communicate their desire for closeness. “They want to maintain a connection with you that has more intimacy attached to it,” Wood affirmed.

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Intimacy App Trends

— How They Affect Your Sex Life?

Intimacy apps allow more people to access sex and relationship therapy and communication skills due to their relatively inexpensive nature and ability to be accessed anonymously from many places worldwide. This has seen the rise in many apps, which can help increase intimacy, communication, and sex skills.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • Sex and intimacy apps help couples and individuals to have pleasurable sex by reducing sexual shame and stigma.
  • Sex and intimacy apps can increase sexual confidence, education, and communication techniques.
  • While these apps help many people, it is important to ensure that the information being given is from health professionals, as misinformation is common in sexual health.

But users must be aware of the potential misinformation spread by these apps and check for their legitimacy.

How do intimacy apps affect your sex life?

Many agree that better communication with our partners can improve our relationship and sex life. But talking to our partners about sex doesn’t always come easy, as expressing our sexual wants and needs requires a bit of strength and vulnerability.

While we could all benefit from talking to a Psychologist or Sex Therapist about our intimacy issues, time and money often prevent many people from doing so. That’s why there has been an increase in sex and intimacy apps over the past couple of years, which aim to improve communication, strengthen relationships, and increase sexual pleasure.

But how do these apps affect your sex life? Most of the apps include a series of guided lessons and exercises to be completed as a couple or individual that are designed to educate you or challenge your attitudes and beliefs about sex and sexuality.

These exercises work to:

Help to undo shame

We live in a pretty sex-negative society that constantly feeds us messages that sex and pleasure are bad, particularly if you are a woman, which leads many of us to feel shame about our sexuality. These apps help to challenge these feelings of shame by providing a sex-positive environment that affirms pleasure and sexuality. This is important for undoing shame and increasing a person’s pleasure and well-being, particularly for marginalized populations.

Provide sex education

Sex education gives us the skills and knowledge necessary to make informed decisions about our bodies and sexuality, which in turn helps us to live healthy and happy lives both sexually and romantically. But unfortunately, many people miss out on this vital education.

Sex and intimacy apps aim to fill in these gaps, allowing their users to be sexually competent and aware of their bodies and their fantasies and desires, leading to better sex. They also teach vital communication skills that can be used with our partners to strengthen bonds and manage conflict.

Increase communication

These apps also aim to increase communication between partners, which is a vital ingredient in good sex. Effective communication ensures that both partners feel seen and safe and that their needs, desires, and boundaries are met. Communication also allows us to learn more about our partners by exploring their desires, arousal, and fantasies. Many apps provide guided lessons and exercises that allow us to communicate our needs and desires to our partners slowly and steadily, which is less daunting than laying everything out on the table.

Pros of intimacy apps

As stated above, there are many pros to intimacy apps, as they allow you to:

Learn about sexual pleasure, arousal, and desire in a sex-positive environment.

Learn communication practices.

Practice mindfulness that allows you to get out of your head during sex.

Set aside time for you and your partner to connect and build on intimacy.

Access information and therapy easily and relatively cheaply.

Reduce shame and stigma surrounding sex and sexuality.

Cons of intimacy apps

There aren’t too many cons surrounding intimacy apps.

However, you should ensure that the app you choose to use has information from qualified healthcare professionals who specialize in sexual health.

Unfortunately, there is a lot of misinformation about sexual health to be found on the internet, particularly about reproductive health, so it’s vitally important that you check your sources.

Another issue to look out for before signing up is the company’s privacy and data practices, as you may not like your sexual data being sold to other companies.

Intimacy apps to check out

Coral

Coral is a sexual wellness app for couples and individuals that aims to increase intimacy and pleasure and build sexual confidence by providing personalized lessons and exercises. The information provided in the app has been contributed by some of the biggest names in sexual health and is worth checking out.

Lover

Lover is a sexual wellness app created by doctors to help treat common sexual dysfunctions. Made for all genders, the app provides an 8-12 week training plan of personalized exercises, activities, and videos, all scientifically proven to address common concerns and help have pleasurable sex.

Ferly

Ferly is a science-backed sexual wellness app aimed at women and non-binary folks that provides audio programs guided by sexual health experts to help you have more pleasurable sex. There is a wide range of classes to choose from, including feature programs like “cultivating desire” or “sex after trauma,” as well as podcasts, interviews, and some erotica to help get you into the mood.

Intimacy apps help to improve people’s sex lives by providing accessible and personalized information, exercises, and lessons on sexual health. These apps aim to reduce the shame and stigma by providing sexually affirming information and communication techniques designed to strengthen the bond between couples. While there are many advantages to these kinds of apps, users need to ensure they are accessing information from reputable sources and be wary of the privacy and data practices of the app.

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Is Make-Up Sex Good Or Bad For Your Relationship?

By Hannah Frye

Imagine this: You and your partner just got into a huge fight. Luckily, you’ve worked things out for the most part and (hopefully) reached some sort of resolution. Yet, you’re still left feeling disconnected and maybe even insecure about where you stand. 

These emotions may lead to one common behavior: make-up sex. But is this the best way to “fix” that residual awkwardness? On a recent episode of the mindbodygreen podcast, psychologists John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Gottman, Ph.D., authors of The Love Prescription and founders of the Gottman Institute, share their expert POV on the matter—here’s a quick summary of what they said.

What is make-up sex?

First things first, let’s get very clear about what make-up sex actually means, also called “apology sex.” As expected, the process begins with an argument. Julie notes that plenty of couples feel distant from one another after a big fight—something many people can relate to.

“The distance creates fear, it creates insecurity, and it creates anxiety,” she adds. These emotions can make either partner feel a need to immediately reconcile the lost connection, and sex is one way that couples tend to feel close and truly loved, Julie explains.

Of course, sex isn’t important to all relationships, but especially if you and your partner prioritize physical intimacy, it might seem like the one thing you two can agree on at the moment—but is it actually going to patch up the open wound?

Is it good or bad for the relationship?

Engaging in make-up sex is not inherently bad for the relationship—but it should be paired with at least one other form of reassurance. In fact, when talking about couples that engage in make-up sex, Julie says they may actually need verbal reassurance or some kind of physical touch reassurance that doesn’t involve the bedroom. 

Long story short: Sex is not off the table entirely, but it shouldn’t be the only form of apology or reassurance. So either before or after you hop in bed and start having sex, use other words and actions to remind your partner that you love them.

For even more connection, cuddle afterward. John references one study that looked at 70,000 people across 24 countries (detailed in the book The Normal Bar) and identified common patterns between couples who self-reported great sex lives and those who didn’t.

One of the findings? “Of the couples that didn’t cuddle in all those countries, 96% of them had an awful sex life. Only 4% of the non-cuddlers had a great sex life,” John notes. Suffice it to say, cuddling may be just as important to your sex life as the act itself, both for reconciliation and a healthy sex life in general.

The takeaway.

All in all, make-up sex isn’t necessarily good or bad for your relationship, but it shouldn’t take the place of verbal reassurance or other forms of physical touch. Be sure to remind your partner that you love them in more ways than sex, and you should be good to go.

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Have yourself a… 2022

Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

 

Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

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28 Republicans Vote Against Bill to Protect Child Sex Abuse Victims

By

The bipartisan Respect for Child Survivors Act, a law that would aid victims of child sex abuse and their families, just passed the House in a 385-28 vote.

All 28 votes against the bill came from Republicans.

The bill would require the FBI to form multi-disciplinary teams to aid sex abuse victims and their families in order to prevent re-traumatization from investigation and any cases from being dropped. These teams would include “investigative personnel, mental health professionals, medical personnel, family advocacy workers, child advocacy workers, and prosecutors,” Newsweek reported.

U.S. Senators John Cornyn (R-TX), Chris Coons (D-DE), Lindsey Graham (R-SC), and Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) introduced the legislation.

“I applaud Senator Cornyn’s leadership on this issue to correct an egregious wrong committed by certain FBI agents regarding their treatment of victims of sexual abuse,” said Sen. Graham. “Requiring the FBI to use appropriate, tried and true methods to interview child victims will help ensure the FBI’s failure in the Nassar case doesn’t happen again. This legislation will make it clear that we expect better.”

However, not all Republicans expect better from the FBI, it seems.

The bill was opposed by the following GOP Representatives: Andy Biggs and Paul Gosar (Ariz.); Dan Bishop and Virginia Foxx (NC); Lauren Boebert (Colo.), Mo Brooks and Barry Moore (Ala.); Louie Gohmert, Ronny Jackson, Troy Nehls, Chip Roy, and Michael Cloud (Texas); Andrew Clyde, Jody Hice, Austin Scott, and Marjorie Taylor Greene (Ga.); James Comer and Thomas Massie (Ky.); Rick Crawford (Ark.); Byron Donalds and John Rutherford (Fla.); Bob Good (Va.), Clay Higgins (La.), Tom McClintock (Calif.), Ralph Norman (SC), Scott Perry (Pa.), Matt Rosendale (Mont.), and Jeff Van Drew (NJ).

Despite this, the bill is supported by the Rape Abuse & Incest National Network, the National District Attorneys Association, Army of Survivors, the National Children’s Alliance, Keep Kids Safe, Together for Girls, Darkness to Light, the Monique Burr Foundation for Children, the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests (SNAP), and the Brave Movement.

It is also expected to pass the Senate.

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Anxiety and Erectile Dysfunction

— Is there a connection?

 

By Jana Abelovska

It may surprise you that your genitals are not your primary sex organ; your brain is! The brain plays a significant role in your ability to feel aroused. If you find it difficult to relax, it will be challenging to get aroused or reach orgasm.

Having trouble maintaining an erection isn’t always linked with age. Men often experience ED at some point. The good news is that you can now identify the cause of ED, which will usually go away with treatment.

Anxiety refers to feelings of nervousness, worry, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. Anxiety means continuous stress or fear after the source of this stress or concern has passed. Anxiety is the most prevalent mental health condition in the Uk, and 20% of men will likely experience anxiety at some stage. You may get Viagra pills online from a trusted pharmacy if you have ED.

The causes of ED may be both psychological and physical. The success of treatment for physical reasons depends on your condition. Studies reveal that psychological factors are the most significant cause of ED. Psychological factors, like emotional and environmental factors, are usually curable. It includes stress and anxiety.

Anxiety plays a significant role in erectile dysfunction (ED) development. Psychological and behavioral responses to erectile dysfunction may lead to a heinous cycle of increased uneasiness, distance and conflicts. It, in turn, leads to fewer sexual encounters, less time spent together and a lack of communication between partners.

You might wonder how something you experience in your mind may cause erectile dysfunction. A number of key factors play a role when it comes to achieving an erection. Your nervous system, muscles, blood vessels, hormones, and emotions play a role in erection.

  • Stress and anxiety may trigger an increase in the production of stress hormones and a decrease in testosterone levels, which plays a role in the sex drive.
  • Stress and anxiety may trigger how the brain sends signals to your penis to allow for better blood flow.
  • Stress and anxiety may affect your self-esteem and feelings of desire.

Increased stress and anxiety may also increase your risk for other health conditions that may cause ED, like:

  • High blood pressure
  • High cholesterol levels
  • Heart disease
  • Obesity
  • Excessive alcohol consumption

How does anxiety cause erectile dysfunction?

Men experience three types of erections:

  • Reflexive erection due to physical stimulation
  • Psychogenic erection due to visual or mental associations
  • Nocturnal erection during sleep

These types of erections involve vital bodily systems and processes. A disruption in any of these processes may cause ED. These include:

  • Nervous system
  • Blood vessels
  • Muscles
  • Hormones
  • Emotions

Mental health conditions like stress and anxiety may also affect how the brain signals the body’s physical response. Stress and anxiety may affect how the brain sends messages to your penis to allow extra blood flow.

Stress and anxiety about erectile dysfunction may also contribute to a cycle of ongoing ED. Experiencing ED may lead to behavioral changes that contribute to anxiety and incidences of ED.

Reasons for erectile dysfunction

Men of all ages may experience ED in some shape or form caused by stress.

  • Psychological erectile dysfunction (mainly nervousness and anxiety) affects about 90% of teenagers and young men. This form of psychological erectile dysfunction is normally short-lived.
  • Men over 30 are more likely to deal with personal and professional stress, leading to erectile dysfunction. Personal and professional stress, such as relationship trouble, is the primary reason for ED in middle-aged men.
  • Impotence is the most prevalent cause for older men. Life circumstances, such as losing a partner or adjusting to retirement, may cause stress and anxiety, which can, in turn, cause erectile dysfunction.

How do you know if erectile dysfunction is psychological?

Whether you have discussed it with your healthcare professional, a few signs may suggest that erectile dysfunction is psychological. Ask yourself these questions:

  • Are you interested in sex and love your partner but have difficulty performing?
  • Do you experience morning erections?
  • Are you under much stress or have immense anxiety?
  • Do you get anxious about satisfying your partner?

An affirmative answer to any of the above questions doesn’t necessarily indicate that ED is psychological. Still, it may tell that one or several psychological factors affect your symptoms. It’s imperative to talk to your healthcare provider if you think ED may have something to do with your mental health issues, such as anxiety or major depression.

How to beat psychological erectile dysfunction?

Erectile dysfunction may occur for various reasons, from physical issues like high blood pressure and heart diseases to psychological ones like anxiety and depression. To treat psychological erectile dysfunction in the best way is to focus on the root of the problem, whether it is some mental illness or simply feelings of guilt about sex.

Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) is a standard treatment for psychological issues, including depression and anxiety. The therapy helps to identify and change unhealthy thought patterns and behaviour that may contribute to erectile dysfunction and sexual health issues.

This kind of treatment relies on the idea that the situation (your inability to get or maintain an erection) isn’t the core problem; instead, your reaction to it is. If you learn to understand your thought patterns better, you may positively change them to resolve the issues.

The next option is psychosexual therapy or sex therapy. It is a specialized form of counseling that helps you (and your partner) to overcome sexual issues like erectile dysfunction. However, it is essential to realize that discussing erectile dysfunction with your healthcare provider and partner is integral to the healing process.

What should you do if you are having issues?

Whether in a relationship or single, changes in the sex drive and your ability to get an erection may be confronting issues. If you are in a relationship, speak with your partner about how you feel. A problem shared is a problem halved. Understanding between you and your partner will help you work through the sexual issues you are having.

If you are single, consider talking to someone you trust, like your friend or a doctor, about changes in your sex drive. Talking through this may help you better understand the next best steps.

Remember that it is normal to feel stressed during this time. It is normal not to feel like having sex. If your sex drive remains low and you have issues with ED for a couple of weeks or more, you should visit your doctor. The doctor may do a physical examination to help understand the causes of your ED and set up a treatment plan.

Conclusion

Stress is an underlying factor in erectile dysfunction. But over time, stress may cause anxiety, which triggers more stress, creating a heinous cycle that’s bad for your mental health and sex life.

Accepting the issue and being honest with your partner takes some weight off your shoulders. If you’re experiencing ED and think it may be psychological, it’s always best to talk to your healthcare provider. He will try to identify the cause of the erectile dysfunction and recommend an appropriate treatment, like medication or therapy.

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How Does Disability Affect Sex?

— People living with disabilities are often assumed to be asexual, which can have disastrous effects on their well-being. Humans are inherently sexual and, as such, deserve to have safe and pleasurable sexual experiences and be free to explore their sexuality and gender.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • Many people within society view people living with disabilities as asexual, leaving them with little access to sexual and reproductive healthcare and education.
  • People living with disabilities are sexual beings and are entitled to safe and pleasurable sexual experiences and to explore their sexual and gender identities.
  • Mobility, fatigue, and pain can affect the sex of someone living with a disability. However, there are multiple toys and positions that can be used to help alleviate some of these issues.

Although limited mobility, pain, and fatigue may affect a person’s sex life, certain toys and positions can aid in pleasure.

How does disability affect sex?

Having a disability can affect sex in several ways, particularly for people with limited mobility, chronic pain, and fatigue. However, this doesn’t mean that those living with a disability cannot enjoy a healthy and pleasurable sex life, as having a physical or cognitive disability doesn’t limit a person’s sexuality.

Humans are inherently sexual and have sexual thoughts, feelings, desires, and fantasies. However, many people within society view people living with disabilities as ‘asexual,’ not wanting to have sex, or not experiencing sexual feelings. This stereotype can affect people living with disabilities in numerous ways, including diminishing self-confidence, desire, ability to find a partner, and ability to view themselves as sexual being. People living with disabilities exist along the same spectrum as nondisabled people, with varied sexual orientations and gender identities.

Those living with mobility issues and chronic pain may have to approach sex a little differently than they’d like to. However, there a sex toys designed specifically to help with this issue for those who’d like to engage in solo sex. For those wanting to engage in sex with a partner, several positions and tools can help alleviate pain and maximize pleasure.

How to maximize pleasure while living with a disability?

Give yourself permission to be sexual

Sadly, research has found that people living with disabilities often internalize the asexuality stereotype, which diminishes their sexual desire and arousal. However, all humans are sexual beings that deserve sexual pleasure. Permitting yourself to be sexual, both solo and with a partner, allows you to reclaim your sexuality and cultivate a pleasurable life.

Allowing yourself to be a sexual being has added benefits, particularly concerning sexual health, as those who are sexually autonomous have been found to make informed decisions about their sexual health, leading to healthier outcomes.

Use toys, tools, and positions that work for you

There are a number of tools, positions, and toys that assist people with limited mobility and chronic pain.

The Bump’n sex toy can be used in several different ways depending on your needs. It’s designed to be a huggable pillow that you can insert a number of sex toys into to hump or grind on, which is great for solo play.

Sex wedges and pillows can also assist with placing your body in a position that is comfortable for you. Depending on your mobility and your partner’s mobility, there are many different positions that you can use to increase pleasure. When exploring new positions with a partner, both partners need to be communicative and express what feels good and what doesn’t. And remember that lube goes a long way in making things feel good.

How does disability affect sexual health?

As many people living with a disability are labeled ‘asexual’ by society, they often do not receive adequate sexual health care from health providers. Those living with a disability need regular pap tests, breast exams, prostate exams, and testicular checks, just like the rest of society.

People living with a disability who engage in sex need to have regular STI checks and have access to education on the importance of contraception.

People living with disabilities should expect to be treated as the whole person by healthcare professionals and expect to receive necessary sexual health care. If your health care needs are not taken seriously, we encourage you to advocate for yourself or access services available in your area to get the care you deserve.

People living with disabilities are not given comprehensive sexual health education

Again, as many people in society see people with disabilities as asexual, sexual education is often overlooked. However, sex and relationship education is just as important for people with disabilities as for those without disabilities. Sex education for disabled people should be given as children, with age-appropriate information. Additional information should also be covered, including:

  • People living with disabilities can have romantic, meaningful, and pleasurable relationships.
  • Sexual information that is specific to their individual needs.

Receiving this education allows people to live sexually healthy and pleasurable lives in healthy relationships.

Humans are inherently sexual beings deserving of safe and pleasurable sexual experiences, relationships, and sexual healthcare access, including those with disabilities. If you are living with a disability, you are entitled to be treated and respected as a sexual being. Although limited mobility, pain, and fatigue, may not allow you to have the sex you would like, there are toys, tools, and positions that can aid in pleasurable sexual experiences for solo and partnered play.

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Love and sex in 2022

— The five biggest lessons of the year

Shedding binaries, shaking off taboos and more – in a year with big events and changes, love and sex looked different, too.

By Jessica Klein

The ways we think about sex and love are always evolving, constantly influenced by cultural, political and global happenings. 

This year was no different. Much of that influence particularly spread online, especially in communities by and for those who identify across the LGBTQIA+ spectrum. Meanwhile, ripple effects from the self-reflection undertaken throughout the Covid-19 pandemic continued to rock the wider dating world, resulting in more intentional practices. People thought more about who they wanted to date, and how they wanted to do it. 

In 2022, this meant more folks openly moved away from both gender and attraction binaries. We saw people rely even more on the internet to find potential partners, for better and for worse. And daters got increasingly vocal about exploring different types of relationships, from solo polyamory to platonic life partnerships.

People are moving away from long-held binaries

In Western culture, relationships, gender and sexuality have long been defined by binaries. Either a couple is dating or they’re not; a person is attracted to women or men; a person is either a woman or man. Throughout the past several years, however, these binaries have grown steadily less entrenched, as more people are looking at sexual orientations and gender identities in different ways. And this was especially pronounced in 2022.

As far as sexual orientation, a person’s gender has become less relevant for many people when looking for a partner; this is especially the case for many millennials and Gen Zers navigating intimate relationships. For some, it’s even ended up at the “bottom of the list” in terms of what they desire in a partner. That’s particularly true for people who identify as queer or pansexual, meaning their romantic and/or sexual attractions don’t hinge on gender.

As 23-year-old, London-based Ella Deregowska put it, identifying as pansexual has allowed her to “fluidly move and accept each attraction I feel without feeling like I need to reconsider my identity or label in order to explain it”. Experts say the increased openness towards non-binary attractions, in part, is linked to increased representation in popular media – from television shows such as Canada’s Schitt’s Creek, in which Dan Levy plays the pansexual David Rose, to celebrities like Janelle Monae, who’ve identified with pansexuality.

It’s not just sexual orientation that’s felt a shift from binaries this year. More young folk (and celebrities) have also moved away from binaries to describe their gender. Identifying as non-binary or gender fluid lets many people express themselves more genuinely, since that expression may not inhabit one black-or-white category. “One day I wake up and feel more feminine, and maybe I want to wear a crop top and put earrings on. And then there’s times in which I’m like, I need my [chest] binder [to minimise the appearance of my breasts],” says Barcelona-based Carla Hernando, 26.

Even with more people breaking down sexual and gender binaries, however, dating can still be a minefield for those who identify as non-binary. From dating apps enforcing gender binaries, to partners pushing non-binary daters into gendered roles, not all parts of society have caught up with the movement away from binary gender norms.

In 2022, binaries grew less entrenched, as more people looked at sexual orientations and gender (Credit: Getty)
In 2022, binaries grew less entrenched, as more people looked at sexual orientations and gender

We’re increasingly challenging relationship taboos and traditions

Relationships among young daters have increasingly bucked entrenched norms this year.

Gen Z is has particularly embraced the grey area of dating by purposefully entering into ‘situationships’. These connections satisfy needs for close companionship, intimacy and sex, but don’t necessarily hinge on long-term relationship goals – instead existing somewhere between a relationship and a casual hook-up. Per Elizabeth Armstrong, a sociology professor at the University of Michigan, US, who studies these types of relationships, Gen Zers feel that “the situationship, for whatever reason, works for right now. And for right now, ‘I’m not going to worry about having a thing that is ‘going somewhere’”.

Overall, openness towards many kinds of non-traditional relationships has gained visibility, too. Ethical non-monogamy has been all over TikTok, often in the form of polyamorous relationships, in which more than two committed romantic and sexual partners cohabit. Then there are open relationships, which can look like anything from partners who hook up with other couples together, to those who have separate relationships with others outside their primary partnership. There are also poly people who prefer to live solo, embracing a ‘solo polyamorous’ lifestyle, through which they live alone but engage in multiple, committed relationships. Others to choose to cohabit with platonic partners, forming lasting relationships and even buying homes and planning futures with close friends rather than lovers.

Yet despite all this, plenty of relationship taboos and myths have endured, and likely will continue to. Single shaming, for instance, has been going strong since the start of the pandemic, when a survey by dating service Match showed 52% of UK-based single adults had experienced shaming for their (lack of) relationship status. And people still judge Leonardo DiCaprio and friends for their wide age-gap relationships. Meanwhile, myths like the idea of ‘opposites attracting’ endure, even though they often don’t.

Splitting became both easier and harder in 2022; divorce coaches thrived even as finances trapped couples together (Credit: Getty)
Splitting became both easier and harder in 2022; divorce coaches thrived even as finances trapped couples together

Breaking up is hard to do – and Covid-19 and the economy make it harder

The increased comfort around different ways to date hasn’t made break-ups any easier. Plenty of couples who blossomed under Covid-19 restrictions felt this acutely in 2022 – having started dating in ‘couple bubbles’ during lockdowns, many are struggling to adapt to relationships under more normal conditions. Some couples who thrive in solitude, it turns out, don’t cut it in the real world.

Yet in 2022, we’ve seen solutions for couples teetering on the edge of a break-up. “Life-changing” divorce coaches can help married couples navigate the mental health struggles of their break-ups, from the UK to Canada. These coaches represent a shift towards the normalisation of both seeking therapeutic aid in times of great stress, and of divorce overall. “It is no longer seen as a flaw of character, or a failure in one’s own life to divorce,” says Yasmine Saad, a clinical psychologist and founder of Madison Park Psychological Services in New York City. Hiring a divorce coach, therefore, is as natural as “wanting financial advice before investing your money”.

Or, couples who want to go the distance can try a gap year – an extended break that doesn’t signify the end of their relationships. Relationship therapists report seeing more of this in the wake of the pandemic, as couples who felt cooped up together over the last couple years want to explore life solo without breaking up.

Yet for couples set on splitting, the latest economic downtown has trapped some in joint living situations. Living alone these days, after all, isn’t cheap, and neither is buying an ex-partner out of their share of a joint dwelling. As Chantal Tucker, 37, who co-owns a London property with her ex-partner, put it, “I knew that I would never be able to afford to buy property again, and the prospect of renting in London forever was increasingly unpleasant.”

Some millennials struggled with 'dead bedrooms' in 2022 (Credit: Getty)
Some millennials struggled with ‘dead bedrooms’ in 2022

People are trying to make the increasingly bleak world of dating better 

For those who are single, meanwhile, navigating the treacherous waters of dating apps has still been hard.

It’s undeniable that dating apps have become the primary way for younger daters (millennials and Gen Z) to meet, with thousands of online dating sites in existence and 48% of 18 to 29-year-olds in the US using them. Unfortunately, bad behaviour on these apps is abundant, ranging from people using them to engage in infidelity or even harassment, the brunt of which female-identified users receive. It’s no wonder many people have become totally burnt out on online dating. Daters of all genders report being overwhelmed by the choices available on dating apps, saying it feels more like playing a numbers game than engaging with real potential partners.

“I feel burnt out sometimes when I feel like I have to swipe through literally 100 people to find someone who I think is moderately interesting,” says Philadelphia, US-based Rosemary Guiser, 32, but it’s almost impossible to avoid using apps to meet someone. “You could compare [their supremacy] a little bit to Amazon or Facebook,” says Nora Padison, a licensed graduate professional counsellor in Baltimore, US.

But because of the pandemic, people have become used to meeting online as an initial encounter. That pre-screening, for many, has been viewed as a safer, smarter way to decide to go on a real-life date, and it’s still the way many singles are engaging in more “intentional” dating. Another way is by doing it sober. A 2022 trends survey by dating service Bumble showed 34% of UK users were more likely to go on sober dates since the start of the pandemic, and 62% said they’d be more apt to form “genuine connections” when doing so.

Some bedrooms are ‘dead’, while others are booming

While the pandemic gave people time to explore and even reconsider their sexualities, it also definitely took a toll on people’s sex lives, specifically millennial couples. Data from 2021 shows US-based, married millennials reporting the most problems with sexual desire that year, often attributed to exhaustion from heavy workloads, mental health issues and financial stressors.

This year, we learned millennial couples seem to be arriving at sexless relationships faster than their older counterparts – as San Francisco, US-based sex therapist Celeste Hirschman noticed, it used to take her coupled clients around 10 to 15 years to stop having sex with each other. “Now, it’s maybe taking three to five,” she says.

But while many married millennials have struggled with sexless marriages, Baby Boomers may be having the best sex of their lives – their experience and patience having resulted in more bedroom skills and better communication. Gen Z – who  have a reputation for not having sex enough – are really just engaging in it more pragmatically. Their focus isn’t on settling down for the sake of it, but on getting their own lives together before bringing in a committed partner or thinking about starting a family.

Regardless of the type of sex anyone is having, there’s good news. Embracing a positive, growth mindset can make your sex life better. New Year’s resolution, anyone?

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The Most Effective Erectile Dysfunction Treatments for Older Adults

By James Roland

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is very common. Although it can affect men of all ages, it occurs more often in older adults and those with certain medical conditions, like diabetes.

Older research estimates that about 70 percent of men ages 70 and older report being “sometimes able” or “never able” to achieve an erection adequate for satisfactory intercourse, compared with just 30 percent of older men who report being “usually able” or “always or almost always able.”

Though it isn’t inevitable for everyone, ED is considered a normal part of aging as its risk factors include conditions common among older adults, such as:

  • cardiovascular disease
  • diabetes
  • reduced levels of testosterone
  • use of medications that treat conditions including:
    • high blood pressure
    • chronic pain
    • prostate disorders
    • depression
  • long-term, heavy substance use, including alcohol and tobacco
  • psychological conditions, including stress, anxiety, and depression
  • overweight or obesity

Sometimes treating an underlying condition can cure or reverse ED. However, most ED treatments are designed for temporary symptom relief, so an erection can be achieved that’s satisfactory for both the person with ED and their partner.

Best ED treatment for 70s and over

A variety of ED treatments are currently available. Researchers continue to develop new medications and other therapies.
For older adults, treating ED may require a two-prong approach:

  1. treat underlying conditions that contribute to ED, such as cardiovascular disease and diabetes
  2. address ED symptoms with oral medications or other alternatives

Medications

The most commonly used ED medications among older adults are from a class of drugs called phosphodiesterase-5 (PDE5) inhibitors.

PDE5 inhibitors block the activity of an enzyme in the walls of blood vessels. As a result, blood vessels are able to relax. In the penis this means more blood can fill the blood vessels, producing an erection.

The main PDE5 inhibitors available with a prescription are:

  • sildenafil (Viagra)
  • tadalafil (Cialis)
  • vardenafil (Levitra)
  • avanafil (Stendra)

Except for avanafil, all of those medications are available in both brand-name and generic versions. (As of 2020, avanafil is still only sold as the brand-name drug Stendra.)

More ED medications are in the testing and approval process. In the United States, PDE5 inhibitors require a prescription. None are available over the counter.

Side effects from these medications are usually temporary and minor. More serious reactions such as priapism (a painful, prolonged erection) may occur in some cases.

Typical side effects include:

  • headache
  • flushing
  • congestion
  • stomach and back pain

ResearchTrusted Source indicates that PDE5 inhibitors are appropriate for most older adults.

Each medication works a little differently. For example, vardenafil usually works faster than the other medications, while tadalafil’s effects last longer.

Tadalafil is often a good choice for older adults who also have an enlarged prostate because it can be prescribed for daily dosing.

Sildenafil should be taken on an empty stomach and may require dose adjustments to get it right.

Talk with your doctor to find the right ED medication for you and your lifestyle.

Who shouldn’t take these meds

People who have certain health conditions, including heart disease, shouldn’t take these medications.

People who take certain medications to manage another health condition shouldn’t take PDE5 inhibitors either. This includes nitrates and alpha-blockers.

Older men are more likely to have heart disease or take nitrates for blood pressure.

Your doctor will take into consideration your overall health and lifestyle when prescribing an ED medication.

Injections

For older adults who find that PDE5 inhibitors don’t produce the results they want or who don’t like their side effects, self-administered penile injections may be a preferred option.

The three most widely used medications for penile injection therapy include:

  • papaverine
  • phentolamine
  • prostaglandin E1 (PGE1) or alprostadil (Caverject, Edex, MUSE)

To use these, you inject the medication into the penis with a syringe before intercourse. While this approach often results in some minor, temporary pain, research shows that about 90 percentTrusted Source of men who used alprostadil were satisfied with the results.

These medications are often used in combination with other treatments and require dosing adjustments. Your first injection should be done in your doctor’s office so they can make sure you do it correctly and safely.

Who shouldn’t use these

Older adults who feel they or their partner can’t carefully administer an injection should consider other options, whether due to lack of dexterity or other reasons.

Taking blood thinner medications is another reason to avoid injectables.

Inflatable prosthesis

If oral or injected medications can’t be used or don’t provide desired results, another ED treatment is an inflatable prosthesis surgically implanted in the penis.

In a 2012 studyTrusted Source of men ages 71 to 86, researchers found that an inflatable penile prosthesis was well tolerated and largely effective in treating ED.

Because it’s a surgical procedure, it carries the slight risks of infection or other complications. It’s important to go over all the risks and benefits of this treatment approach with your doctor. Together you can decide whether your overall health makes you a good candidate for the procedure.

It’s also important to note that an implant is permanent. It would only be removed under certain circumstances, such as infection or malfunction.

Once you have a penile implant, it permanently alters the penile anatomy. This means other treatments can’t be used after it’s placed.

Lifestyle changes

While not a specific treatment, making some changes in your day to day can make a noticeable difference in erectile function. Some helpful strategies include:

  • quitting smoking
  • limiting or avoiding alcohol or substance use
  • maintaining a moderate weight
  • exercising more often than not
  • following a healthy diet that supports cardiovascular health, such as the Mediterranean diet

Why these treatments?

PDE5 inhibitors are widely used among older adults because they’re generally safe, effective, and convenient.
Because ED medications are taken on an “as needed” basis, there isn’t the same concern about missing a dose that there may be with potentially lifesaving drugs, such as high blood pressure medications or blood thinners.

Older adults who find the side effects of PDE5 inhibitors too uncomfortable may prefer injections. Those who are used to self-administering medications, such as people who give themselves insulin shots to treat diabetes, may be more comfortable with penile injections.

Penile implants avoid the concerns about side effects altogether. And since the body’s response to medications can change over time, an implanted prosthesis also means not having to worry about changing medications or dosages.

How effective is it?

ED treatments vary in how long each one is effective, as well as side effects. Regardless of which kind of treatment you choose, there are some important facts to keep in mind:

  • ED medications typically take 30 to 60 minutes to become effective. Medications such as sildenafil usually wear off in about 4 hours or so, while tadalafil’s effects can linger for nearly 36 hours. Your general health and other factors will affect these time estimates.
  • If you don’t get the results you want from one PDE5 inhibitor, a different one may be a better match.
  • ED medications don’t cause erections. Sexual stimulation is still required to become aroused.
  • As you get older, you may require more stimulation to become aroused than you did when you were younger.
  • An erection triggered by a penile injection may occur within 15 minutes, though sexual stimulation may still be required for the medication to work.
  • Recovery from inflatable penile prosthesis surgery can take 4 to 6 weeks. This means no sexual activity or great physical exertion should take place during that time. Once you’re free to engage in intercourse, the prosthesis takes only minutes to be inflated.
  • Lifestyle changes, such as strategies that boost cardiovascular health and weight management, have also been proven to be effectiveTrusted Source.

Is it safe?

ED medications can be taken safely with most other medications, though they shouldn’t be used if you take nitrates or alpha-blockers.

The combination of PDE5 inhibitors and these medications could causeTrusted Source a dangerous drop in blood pressure.

People with heart disease or kidney disease should discuss the use of PDE5 inhibitors with their doctor. They may prescribe a lower dose, which may or may not help you achieve the results you want.

Injections pose different risks than oral medications as it may be possible to hit a blood vessel or nerve with the syringe. Also, scarring is possible. It’s best to make the injections in different places each time to reduce scarring.

Implant surgery is generally safe, and the technology is constantly improving. It’s important to find a surgeon who has ample experience with this procedure.

When to see a doctor

You can often chalk up occasional episodes of ED to stress, fatigue, relationship conflicts, or other temporary conditions. They don’t necessarily indicate a problem that needs medical attention.

But frequent problems with ED can point to the need for medical attention, especially if the ED is affecting relationships, self-esteem, and quality of life. Talk with your doctor or a urologist if this is the case for you.

Having that conversation is also important because ED can sometimes be an early symptom of diabetes or cardiovascular disease. Your doctor may want to order blood tests and other screenings to check for these underlying conditions.

The bottom line

ED at any age can be a troubling condition. Among older adults, it may be more expected, but it’s nevertheless still a concern.

ED medications and other treatments have a track record of effectively and safely treating ED symptoms in older adults.

Proper treatment starts with a frank conversation with your doctor. Don’t be embarrassed to have this conversation. Rest assured your doctor has the same talk with many other people, year in and year out.

It’s also important to talk openly and honestly with your partner. ED is simply a health condition. It should be approached thoughtfully in a straightforward manner, in the same way you would address any other condition, like arthritis or high blood pressure.

Counseling may also be helpful for both you and your partner while you seek the right medical care for this common concern.

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An explainer on the female orgasm

— How exactly does it work?

Let’s get that O.

By EVANGELINE POLYMENEAS

Many have looked far and wide in search of the elusive female orgasm. Those who have experienced one from penetrative sex have the power to congregate vulva owners everywhere to tell the tale of how they reached climax. The journey is filled with awkward moments, queefs and repetitive movement but they’ve lived to tell the tale and the rest of us want answers.

There is a myriad of myths surrounding the female orgasm and an oversaturation of misinformation. When I Googled it, millions of results appeared all promising 11 different types of female orgasms. If there are so many options, why is it so hard to get just one?

Too many of my friends answer a resounding ‘no’ to the question of whether they orgasmed during their latest sexual escapade, so I spoke to sex and pleasure coach, Clarke Rose, in an attempt to understand why.

“There is a huge orgasm gap. A lot of people with vulvas aren’t cumming,” Clarke tells me. So it’s a national pleasure emergency. Maybe we just don’t know what we’re searching for, so what is an orgasm exactly?

“An orgasm is such an expansive thing to define,” Clarke says. “I like to think of orgasms in a non-clinical sense as a high index of pleasure for anybody who’s feeling it. Technically speaking, it’s a peak of intense pleasure that sometimes creates altered states of consciousness and is usually accompanied by involuntary rhythmic contractions of the pelvic floor.”

Essentially, euphoria. That sounds all well and good, but what about the other 10 orgasms Google promised? I ask Clarke whether there are different sorts of female orgasms and the answer was not what I was expecting.

“Yes and no. Orgasm can be stimulated from different parts of your body, [for example], some people can have an orgasm from their nipples being stimulated, some from anal sex, others from penetration, but they all achieve the same orgasm. It’s not like you have a vaginal orgasm or a clitoral orgasms. They are all the same thing, they are just being stimulated from a different area.”

Clarke notes that only 30 per cent of women can trigger orgasm from internal stimulation and that percentage doesn’t differentiate between whether the penetration was accompanied by clitoral stimulation or not. She attributes this low percentage to differences in anatomy. “It’s a matter of how much your urethral sponge, which sits right about the G-spot, is sensitive and full of erectile tissue.”

Clarke says we tend to hierarchise female orgasms in ways that we don’t with male orgasms. “For a woman, people ask whether they can cum from their clit, or vagina, or whether they can have a nipple orgasm, whereas with men, no one is asking if they had a blowjob orgasm, or a penetrative orgasm – their orgasms just get to be orgasms.”

Penis owners seem to orgasm so easily, so I wondered if there was a difference between male orgasms and female orgasms. “Anatomically speaking it’s super interesting because a person who has a penis, orgasms for biological reasons,” Clarke explains. “They need to orgasm to ejaculate for the sperm to come out and make a baby.”

She goes on to explain that there is no biological need for females to orgasm. At first, this idea might seem anti-feminist, but Clarke explains that it’s actually quite interesting. “When we were foetuses, we were made up of all the same parts [as males], we [females] just develop differently. People with vulvas got this ability to orgasm because men can, which is a fantastic bonus to our sexuality without the pressure of needing to [orgasm] every time or we fail.”

Despite the lack of biological pressure to orgasm, a lot of vulva owners can’t seem to reach climax with partners but have less of a problem on their own. So what’s the barrier that’s stopping many of us from achieving the big O?

“When we are with somebody, other things come up – maybe we are a little bit self-conscious, or afraid to ask for what we want, or are too focused on our partners,” Clarke explains. “Whereas when we are on our own, we can make whatever weird face we want. A lot of women also use toys to masturbate which makes it really easy. However, when you’re with a partner and they are just using their hand or tongue, it doesn’t compare to whatever eight-speed vibrator you have at home. It can be a bit more difficult for your body and mind to recognise that as a trigger for orgasm.”

Although there are definitely micro reasons that could prevent partner orgasms, women’s orgasms have been repressed at a cultural level as well. “Our culture prioritises male anatomy and male pleasure. We all understand the anatomy of a penis, it’s so drilled into our heads, but we don’t understand the anatomy of a vulva. Historically we have repressed women’s sexuality. We want women to be receptive, polite and pleasing and not cause a big fuss,” explains Clarke.

Men have seen themselves in porn and in sex scenes in film and television ask for what they need sexually and receive it. They have heard the language required to ask, but women haven’t. It seems unnatural to ask for what we want, and Clarke says a lot of men probably don’t know how to listen without their ego getting involved.

“If you can’t orgasm and it’s really stressing you out, you’re not alone. There are a lot of women who can’t. Definitely look into seeing a sexologist or a sex coach if it’s something you want to work on,” says Clarke. The female orgasm is complex and it’s complicated, but we all deserve to reach it if we want to.

“Women put a lot of pressure on themselves to orgasm a certain way,” Clarke says. “Whether you cum with a vibrator, or by your hand, or whether you can cum on your own or with a partner – however you orgasm is valid. Period. Don’t put extra stress on yourself to cum upside down with mind stimulation – however you cum is beautiful.”

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Being more vulnerable with your partner can improve intimacy

— Here are 6 tips for letting your guard down

By Rebecca Strong

  • Being vulnerable with your partner can improve trust, communication, conflict, and your sex life.
  • Sharing your needs, hopes, fears, and emotions can feel scary if you’ve been hurt in the past.
  • Therapists suggest starting slow, using physical touch, and telling your partner how they can help.

Many people crave intimacy in relationships — but true intimacy requires vulnerability, according to Samantha Saunders, a licensed professional counselor in private practice.

Vulnerability in a relationship means you feel able to express your real needs, desires, thoughts, fears, and feelings with your partner. In short, you share your whole self, no matter the risks.

Of course, since letting your guard down creates the potential for hurt or rejection, it can often feel scary to take that leap — especially if someone broke your trust in a past relationship.

So, maybe you hold back the words “I love you” for fear of how your partner might respond, or resist asking for help because you don’t want to seem weak.

As challenging as it might feel to open up to your partner, though, relationship experts say it’s worth making the effort.

Below, therapists share five key benefits of vulnerability, along with six tried-and-true tips for becoming more vulnerable in your relationship.

1. More productive conflict

Vulnerability during conflict can help you and your partner understand each other better, cultivate empathy for each other, and ultimately reach a resolution more quickly, says

Anna Hindell, a psychotherapist in private practice.

For example, taking responsibility for the fact that you said something hurtful to your partner — which requires vulnerability — may help them feel understood so they can move on more easily.

2. Improved ability to meet each other’s needs

No matter how well your partner knows you, they can’t predict your every need and want.

So, when you tell your significant other that you crave more physical affection, for instance, that act of vulnerability serves you both, Saunders says.

With that knowledge, your partner has a better chance of making those necessary adjustments — which means you’re more likely to feel happy, fulfilled, and supported as a result.

3. Increased trust

Trust is the backbone of any relationship. And when you can drop your guard, confide in your partner, and find they still love and accept you, that helps increase trust, Hindell says.

For example, say you tell your partner it bothers you when they forget to mention they’re running late. Doing this can build trust in two ways:

  • Your partner now knows you’ll be honest and transparent with them about your feelings.
  • If they apologize and show empathy for your feelings, you can trust they’ll validate your feelings in the future.

4. A more satisfying sex life

Bravely communicating your needs, likes, dislikes, and fantasies — also known as sexual communication — can prime you and your partner for more fulfilling sex, according to Laura Silverstein, a certified couples therapist and author of “Love Is an Action Verb.”

In fact, a 2022 review found that engaging in more sexual communication can lead to greater sexual and relationship satisfaction.

Examples of sexual communication include:

  • Sharing some feedback after sex about what did or didn’t feel good
  • Asking your partner if they’re willing to try something new next time you’re physically intimate

5. Greater self-acceptance

Vulnerability can also benefit you as an individual.

When you share your deepest desires, fears, and insecurities with your partner, you’re more likely to feel loved for who you really are, according to Saunders. You no longer have to hide your so-called “flaws,” because you have the reassurance that your partner loves all of you — not just the parts you allow them to see.

This can pave the way for greater self-awareness, self-esteem, and self-love, says Kalley Hartman, therapist and clinical director at Ocean Recovery.

And higher self-esteem can improve the quality of your relationships, in turn.

Tips for becoming more vulnerable

Whether you struggle with vulnerability or simply want to make this skill more of a priority in your relationship, these suggestions from experts can help you learn to let your partner in.

1. Start small

“If you’re nervous about opening up to your partner, start by sharing something simple that doesn’t feel too emotionally risky,” Saunders says.

Saunders suggests sharing a secret interest or passion with your partner — for example, a love of watching anime or building model trains — even if you don’t know how they’ll react.

By easing into vulnerability, you can slowly build trust and confidence so you can share deeper emotional truths over time.

2. Practice self-care

“In order to be vulnerable with your partner, you need to start out being kind to yourself,” Silverstein says.

According to Saunders, practicing self-care can help ensure you don’t get overwhelmed by fear, anxiety, or other emotions that arise while you’re preparing to open up.

She recommends using meditation, journaling, yoga, and breathing exercises to help ground you before engaging in vulnerable conversations.

3. Use “I” statements

Telling your partner they did something to upset you may, in some cases, trigger feelings of fear, anxiety, or shame.

This kind of vulnerability may spark some discomfort, and that’s natural — but keep in mind your partner can’t apologize, validate your emotions, or change their behavior if they don’t know how you feel.

Silverstein advises starting these conversations with an “I feel” statement.

For example:

I-statements like these are far less likely to put your partner on the defensive than accusations. Accordingly, they leave your partner in a much better position to show the empathy and understanding you need to encourage future vulnerability.

4. Admit you’re struggling

When you have trouble letting your guard down, one important step toward vulnerability involves admitting your struggle.

For example, you might tell your partner:

  • “I want to feel closer to you, but I have a hard time talking about my feelings.”
  • “It’s difficult for me to ask for help, even though I need it sometimes.”

If you can, you might also consider sharing why you shy away from vulnerability. Did you get hurt in a past relationship? Did your parents teach you that showing your feelings is a weakness?

Letting your partner know what they can do to encourage vulnerability may also make a difference.

For instance, you might say:

  • “I feel a lot safer sharing my feelings when you do so.”
  • “I’d love for you to ask how you can help when you notice I’m getting frustrated with a project.”

5. Initiate physical contact

If you have a hard time expressing your vulnerability in words, Silverstein suggests making more physical gestures to connect with your partner.

For instance, you might:

  • Make it a point to kiss them goodbye for work, if that’s not a typical part of your routine
  • Reach for their hand while you’re out for a walk
  • Gently touch their thigh or back when sitting in the car together

It’s OK to feel a little hesitant about this if you’re not used to initiating physical contact — but displays of affection like these can strengthen your bond. What’s more, these acts may make your partner feel loved and cared for — which can help them feel safer being vulnerable with you.

6. Seek support from a therapist

If you have trouble cultivating vulnerability in your relationship, Hindell advises working with a professional. A licensed couples therapist can help facilitate more vulnerable dialogue between you and your partner — and help you identify anything holding you back.

“A therapist can also offer guidance on communication strategies that will help each partner express themselves without fear of judgment or rejection,” Hartman says.

Insider’s takeaway

Vulnerability can foster trust, intimacy, and understanding while also enabling you to communicate and resolve conflict more effectively. Ultimately, these benefits can boost your relationship satisfaction overall.

That said, opening up about your thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires can feel downright difficult at times. Therapists say it can help to start with small acts of vulnerability, let your partner in on your struggle, and seek support from a therapist as needed.

Above all, Hartman recommends patience. “It can take time to build trust and comfort with a partner, so don’t be discouraged if it takes longer than expected before you can truly let your guard down,” Hartman says.

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How I Get Strangers to Talk About Their Sex Lives

— I stop people on the bus, ask my cashier at CVS, or even beg my next-door neighbors.

By

My boyfriend held a cigarette in one hand and a Diet Coke in the other and said, “Are you fucking serious, Lys?” A few moments earlier, while lounging around a wicker table in his flowery backyard, I had flipped open my laptop and instructed him to tell me about all the women he’d slept with that week — or hooked up with, flirted with, even jerked off to. I told him to talk fast. My Sex Diaries column was due by EOD.

We were in an open relationship, insofar that I was pregnant via an anonymous sperm donor and he was a sexpot who could not be tamed. It was the only open relationship I’ve ever been in, and for that period of my life, it worked for me.

We banged out his diary together. I filed it. My editor had very few notes. The readers actually liked him, and all was good. It may sound strange, but I was happier producing such a vivid — and frankly, hot — diary than I was unsettled hearing about the multitudes of beautiful women my guy was going down on when I wasn’t around.

All this is to say that for the last eight years, Sex Diaries has come first. I mean, my children come first. My partner, Sam, whom I’ve been with ever since that guy, comes first. My parents and sister come first. But beyond all that, the weekly column always takes priority.

Normally, I don’t need to recruit friends or lovers for the column, but sometimes I do. The copy is due every Wednesday night — which sometimes means Thursday morning — so if I haven’t found a diarist by early in the week, I have to hustle.

Most of the time, I’m already engaging with a handful of potential diarists who’ve emailed me at sexdiaries@nymag.com with some info about themselves, hoping I’ll invite them to actually write one (which I almost always do). After that, I have to hope that they won’t flake or wind up being fraudulent or scary and that they’ll deliver something interesting, or at least coherent, for me to shape into a column. The diaries don’t pay, so there’s only so much pushing and probing I can do in good conscience. After all, no one owes me anything. In the end, about two in every five emails leads to an actual, publishable diary.

On the weeks when no one has emailed in or a diarist gets cold feet at the last minute, I stop strangers on the bus, at a local bar, or on the street — if they seem like passionate, horny, or simply authentic human beings — and ask them to sit with me for a half hour and entrust me with their stories.

“Hi. Sorry to bother you. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I write this column for New York Magazine called Sex Diaries — it’s pretty popular, honestly — where I profile someone’s love and sex life, or lack thereof, for a week. You can write it yourself, and I’ll clean it up for you. Or you can tell me everything here or later on the phone, and I’ll do the rest. We can disguise whatever you want in order for you to feel comfortable. But you have to remember that once it’s out there, I can’t take it offline, so you need to be okay with that … are you in?”

Occasionally, it works. Most people say that they have nothing remotely interesting going on — which, I’d argue, is still interesting! Other people are just too busy or private. Recently, a salesperson at CVS whom I approached thought I was hitting on him, and being a religious man and married, he was so offended and freaked out that he demanded I leave the store immediately. As I rushed out of there, pushing my son in his stroller, I actually started to cry.

Sometimes, I have to beg my neighbors, mom friends, or old high-school pals from my Facebook page to anonymously dish with me about their marriages, divorces, or affairs. And almost every week, I post something somewhere on social media, searching for random humans who will document their love and sex lives for me — for no good reason at all other than, perhaps, creative catharsis.

However it plays out, I try to make the experience as easy as possible for the diarists and to handle them with care. I make sure to protect their trust, and above all else, I never judge anything they tell me. When you tell me you’re having an affair, I will assure you that you’re not evil. When you tell me you’re hurting, I will share that I’ve been there too. When you tell me you’re weird, I will tell you that you’re cool as hell. And I will mean it all. Our relationships last only a few days and are driven by very direct questions and blind faith that we won’t lie to each other, then they’re over.

To understand my devotion to this column is to understand how it came to be mine and the freedom it has afforded me over the last eight years. In 2015, I decided to have a baby on my own for a lifetime of reasons you’ll have to buy my book to understand. I had always managed to make a decent living as a freelance writer, but at this point, there was no dependable work coming in, as I’d spent years trying to “break into Hollywood,” which wasn’t happening and slowly crushed me one disappointment after another. But I was pregnant, a marvelous thing, and I had faith that work would take care of itself somehow.

Out of the blue, an editor at The Cut asked me if I wanted to revive the column, which I had never heard of, explaining that it would be a weekly assignment with a steady paycheck. The work didn’t sound easy, but it didn’t sound hard either. Mostly, I saw the column as a gift. From New York, the media crowd, karma, or whatever. And I never stopped looking at it through that prism. Sex Diaries sustained me as I began life as a single mom. It solidified my role at The Cut, where I loved the people. And it gave me some writerly empowerment when I was feeling otherwise unwanted.

Sure, the column stresses me out sometimes. It’s a grind finding diarists every single week. I’ve only skipped two deadlines in all these years, and both were because I had preeclampsia with my pregnancies and was too out of it from the magnesium drip to resume work right away.

In the fall of 2019, we learned that HBO wanted to turn the Sex Diaries column into a docuseries, in which we’d document a week or two in someone’s sex life on film in the same spirit as we do in the column. This was fabulous news. I’d been chasing the TV scene for years, and it felt like this opportunity was another cosmic gift that I would never take for granted. But I knew that in the entertainment business, you had to fight every single day for a seat at the table. I had no reason to believe I’d be pushed out of the project, but I knew that I had to emphasize my value to the docuseries. To anybody who would listen, I said, “Let me handle the casting. You will never be able to cast this without me. No one knows how to find a Sex Diarist like I do.” Did I come across as too aggressive? Who cares! It was true.

So at 44 years old, my work life became unbelievably exciting and excruciatingly hard. My second child was still a baby, still breastfeeding, when we started casting and filming. A month later, COVID hit. Around this time, I got a book deal with a tight deadline and absolutely nowhere to write or think in peace. Politically, the world was burning down. My amazing kids, never amazing sleepers, kept us awake every single night. One of my best friends, the woman who taught me to advocate for myself, died of cancer — I cried for her all night, every night for many months. The weekly column was always due. The Zoom calls for the docuseries took up hours of my day despite the fact that no one even knew when we’d come out of this pandemic let alone feel romantic, sexual, or adventurous again.

Like all working moms, I was tired. But I had to cast this series, as promised. I revisited thousands of diarists I’d worked with throughout the years and asked if they’d be open to doing a diary without any anonymity and with cameras following them. Of course, the response was often “um, yeah, no.” I frantically called friends of friends who had cousins with roommates who were polyamorous, slut-positive, or simply lovestruck. I roamed the city, double-masked and desperate, sleuthing around for anybody who might be interested in talking about the sex they weren’t having with the lovers they weren’t seeing and the lives they weren’t living. I must have slipped into a thousand random DM’s per day, hunting for anybody who would indulge me. Instagram kept blocking my account, which would last only a few hours, thank God. I tracked down New Yorkers who belonged to sex clubs, posted provocative hashtags, or showed any sign that they were creative souls or open books. Our dream was for the cast to mirror an NYC subway car in terms of diversity. Eventually, with the help of the show’s amazing director and producers, we found our stars. Eight New Yorkers agreed to let us film their sex lives. None of them needed any convincing. They were all born for this moment. I did nothing, and they did everything.

Every week for what feels like forever, I’ve buckled down to “do a Sex Diary.” And because of that continuity — the ritual of it all — the column has unintentionally grounded me through the good and the bad. My tears are in those diaries. My hormones are in those diaries. A miscarriage is in those diaries. My childbirths are in those diaries. When I met Sam, my love, I was on deadline. When Biden won or our kids had COVID or we closed on our first house, I always had a diary to tend to.

My diarists have ranged from artists to engineers, sex workers, CEOs, and soccer moms, but they’ve all shared part of their lives with me, and through them, I’ve been afforded a healthy and effervescent work life that defies the drudgery of almost every other job I can imagine. To my mistresses, fuckboys, cougars, pillow princesses, and everyone in between, thank you. And to anyone curious about the column, email me, please.

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