Category: Aftercare

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Aftercare Conversations Might Be the BDSM Practice You Need to Try

It’s a game changer (even if you’re vanilla).

By Patia Braithwaite

If you’re familiar with BDSM, you probably know that communication is a major through line. There’s a reason for this. As SELF previously reported, BDSM, which stands for bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism, is a term that describes a wide swath of sexual behaviors that people enjoy. This can range from things like erotic spanking and using restraints to more mental stimulation through things like domination, submission, or light humiliation. BDSM is sort of an umbrella term that describes a host of activities that people might consider kinky, but kink is a larger term for sexual activities and fantasies that tend to fall outside of what we’d consider “conventional.” You can think of BDSM as one aspect of kink.

“Communication is really key to healthy and enjoyable kink scenes,” Liz Powell, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Building Open Relationships, tells SELF. You and potential partners might think you’re into the same things but “might have zero things in common,” Dr. Powell explains. “So communication is the way we find out what kink means for you.”

Ideally, at the onset of any kinky sexual activity, partners will pre-negotiate a scenario. This might involve talking through likes, dislikes, and hard limits. You and your partner(s) might agree on a safe word so that anyone can end the scene at any time, Dr. Powell explains. Communication, both verbal and nonverbal, continues throughout so that everyone feels safe and supported, Dr. Powell says. But what happens when things are winding down? “There’s some aftercare or ‘cool down’ that provides a place for people to come out of the roles they’ve been in,” Dr. Powell explains.

There are lots of ways to incorporate kink and BDSM into your sex life if you’re interested. But even if you’re not, you might want to try aftercare, which is the point where you and your partner attend to your own physical and psychological needs and each other’s.

For instance, people might check in with one another and make sure they are feeling okay. They might ask for feedback on the scene or talk about what they really liked or didn’t like. Aftercare doesn’t always have to be verbal, Dr. Powell explains, adding that it could include one partner putting a blanket over their partner, stroking their hair, or tending to any bruises that might’ve occurred during a kink scene. But it can absolutely be an overt conversation about what worked and what didn’t, Dr. Powell says.

Before we get into how you might do that, let’s break down why communication often gets lost in the shuffle in more vanilla interactions. There are so many cultural messages about how sex “should” be, especially for cis women who date cis men, that talking about wants and desires might be a turnoff, Lori Michels, L.M.F.T., AASECT-certified sex therapist, tells SELF. This means that when people have sex, they might not notice the need for clear and effective dialogue. Or they might not be as intentional as they could be. And even if they’re vocal before and while having sex, they might not see the need to debrief as things wind down. “A lot of people end up having sex that doesn’t feel great for them, and they don’t know how to express that to their partners,” Dr. Powell explains.

In BDSM and kink contexts, aftercare is an integrated part of sex, Michels says. It’s a natural progression that allows partners to leave the scene and come back to reality in an intentional and intimate way, she explains.

Aftercare conversations can be helpful for anyone, but Dr. Powell says it’s especially useful for folks who might have a freeze response when they are uncomfortable. Even with the best intentions and clear communication, occasionally, something might happen during sex that doesn’t thrill you. If you’re someone who freezes when you’re uncomfortable, it might be difficult to express that displeasure in real time. In an aftercare conversation, once your body has calmed down, you might be able to speak up about how things felt. It doesn’t have to happen immediately after sex either, Dr. Powell says. You might talk to your partner in a day or two, or even longer than that when you’ve had a chance to center yourself a bit.

If aftercare is something you want to bring into your own bedroom, there are a few ways you might broach the subject. To begin, Dr. Powell says it’s okay if you’re not quite sure how to start the conversation. In fact, if you’re feeling awkward, you should just say that. “Name the emotion you’re having about it,” Dr. Powell says. “It makes it easier for you, and it puts you and your partner on the same page.” You might even mention that you saw an interesting article on the topic, Dr. Powell suggests, so that it doesn’t come off as if you’re prepping to have an overwhelmingly critical conversation about your sex life.

If you’re really verbal (or super comfortable with your partner), Dr. Powell also suggests you frame your aftercare discussion around three things that worked well and three things you both might do differently. Often, when saying “how was it for you,” there’s an implication that the answer should be “great,” and that doesn’t leave much room for talking through things you might want to try a different way. You can say something like, “Tell me your favorite parts of what we did and what could we do to make things better or more exciting,” Dr. Powell says. Additionally, she suggests that asking for three positive notes and three things that you want to improve can increase the likelihood of getting honest feedback.

If you have major resistance to bringing up aftercare or you’re not quite sure what you liked and disliked about a certain sexual experience (or sex in general)—that’s okay. You can totally explore your own body and figure out the sensations that feel best for you, Michels says. It’s not unreasonable to have aftercare conversations with yourself, TBH. The more comfortable you are with yourself, the easier it will be to express those feelings to others, Michels explains.

And, Dr. Powell says, aftercare has implications outside of your bedroom. “Aftercare might be important during an argument when your bodies are still coming down from the big emotions and all the physiological responses,” she explains. “Any time you’re having a strong emotional response, something that looks like a version of aftercare could be helpful.”

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Your Guide To BDSM Aftercare

Rule 1: It’s not just for subs.

By Alexis Jones

Before we get into BDSM aftercare, let’s set the record straight about the sex practice as a whole. Yes, BDSM stands for bondage discipline and sadomasochism, but it isn’t the violent and harmful sort of kink that pop culture and society have made it out to be.

“It’s mostly about sensations—sensory play and or power play,” explains Jenni Skyler, PhD, of The Intimacy Institute and resident sexologist for Adam and Eve. How does it work, though? Well, couples typically will start by having a conversation about the type of BDSM they’d like to try. Then, they’ll make up a game plan (think: who will be dominant and who will be submissive), which includes talking about their needs, desires, and boundaries, and agree on a safe word. After that, they’ll co-create a play script or ritual that works for both of them, she explains.

“In the terms of agreement, safety and consensus are key,” Sklyer says. Another must? Aftercare. That literally means taking care of one another, emotionally and sometimes physically, after sex depending on what type of play occurred. Remember: BDSM can be emotionally and physically draining. Aftercare (yes, both for doms and subs!), is an important part of healthy BDSM.

Below is everything you need to know about BDSM aftercare, so that you and your partner can both get what you need from the experience.

What is aftercare?

Aftercare is the physical and/or the emotional care-taking that occurs after a sexual encounter, and more specifically a BDSM encounter. Most BDSM experiences involve adopting fantasy roles, so aftercare is the time for partners to bring each other back to reality and readopt their day-to-day roles with one another. Think of it as reseting your equilibrium, Skyler explains. Though the play portion of the experience might be over, it’s not really over until the aftercare happens.

“If there’s a lot of physical pain play, for instance,” says Skyler, partners might want to be cuddled or wrapped in a blanket, or they might want a warm meal or water. But usually, aftercare involves reflective conversation. This is the opportunity for partners to be vulnerable with each other, debrief, and zero in on each other’s emotional needs.

Questions might look like this:

  • How did that go for you?
  • Did we need to use a safe word? If so, why?
  • Where was the boundary that got hit?
  • Was something triggered or activated?
  • If you didn’t use a safe word, how did it go for each person?
  • What was really exciting?
  • What was safe?
  • What do we want to keep as part of our repertoire?
  • What would we want to ditch for the next time?

Who needs aftercare?

Oftentimes it’s the submissive who needs a little extra aftercare, according to Skyler. But it’s important for aftercare to go both ways. Just like it may be difficult or draining for the submissive to be in a powerless position in which they may have been blindfolded or had to beg, it might have been hard on the dominant partner to, say, yell or humiliate their partner (if that’s the type of power-play that was agreed on) and adopt a nature they don’t typically embrace outside of the bedroom.

Is the drop a real thing?

Yes! BDSM kicks up a ton of adrenaline into your system and when the play is done, that adrenaline literally plummets and there’s this sort of undeniable fatigue, Skyler explains, a.k.a the drop.

She compares it to running a marathon. “You get all your adrenaline going and you get to the finish line, then you kind of collapse at the end,” Skyler explains. All the attention to detail, physicality, and focus built up during the play eventually has to come to an end, right? When it does, all the energy in the body will experience a significant slump. That’s why aftercare is so important. These acts of self care and support will bring your body back to “normal” by reestablishing balance.

Gotcha, now what does aftercare look like exactly?

Aftercare is personal to each person, but overall, it involves anything that will simply make partners feel good. Following the all-important conversation about how the sex play made you feel, partners might do things to continue supporting one another and reset the nervous system, says Skyler.

The list of aftercare activities can look something like this:

  • Have a bath
  • Spend time alone
  • Drink a cup of tea
  • Get a good night’s sleep
  • Get wrapped up tight in a blanket
  • Cuddle with a partner
  • Take a refreshing walk outside
  • Watch a movie
  • Cuddle with pets
  • Journal
  • Reflect together

Should I follow up after the aftercare?

Depends. Sometimes partners will be ready to process everything immediately following the sexual BDSM encounter, while other times, partners will need a day or two to reflect on what they liked and didn’t like before talking it out. In other cases, partners might want both because they remembered something they really enjoyed about the sex play that they forgot to mention or they just want to double check on their partner.

Sometimes the aftercare follow-up involves a third party. When partners are struggling to do aftercare and reflect on what went well, what didn’t go well, and find out what the right mix is together, they might want to consider bringing in another person in a therapeutic setting, Skyler explains. But ultimately she warns: “It’s not smart to play, unless you know how to communicate about the play.” So before you jump into your next BDSM experience, make sure you’re willing to engage in aftercare. Remember: A little TLC never hurt anybody.

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Practice Aftercare After Having ANY Kind Of Sex

by Gigi Engle

Aftercare refers to the time we devote, post-sex or play, to cuddle, talk, and care for each other. You may think this is simply “what you do after sex,” but it actually has important implications. In the kink community, aftercare is essential in order for both partners to feel at ease and ready to rejoin the real world.

In my practice as a clinical sexologist, I’m a big proponent of all couples devoting time to post-euphoric aftercare so as to rekindle closeness, regardless of the play they engage in.

Aftercare makes for stronger emotional bonds.

Couples who practice aftercare will naturally develop closer, more intimate bonds with their partners than those who don’t. After sex, we’re particularly vulnerable. We’re naked, we’ve (hopefully) just had an orgasm, and our bodies are awash in oxytocin and dopamine. We need to ensure that positive state of mind continues. “Everyone feels good when they know their partner cares for them, and what better way to show it than tending to them when they are in a vulnerable post-sex state of mind?” says licensed psychotherapist and couples therapist Pam Saffer, LMFT.

“Prioritizing time [for] aftercare provides space to improve emotional intimacy, sharing and validating positive emotions. It really encourages couples to share open communication and express love [and] kindness toward each other either verbally or through affectionate touch,” adds Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist.

It doesn’t matter if you’re friends with benefits, in a long-term relationship, a one-night-stand, or married; aftercare is still important. While it may seem odd to engage in aftercare with someone you’re not seriously dating, it’s still important. It’s not about making someone fall in love with you or trying to make a more serious relationship out of something casual. It’s about making sure everyone is cared for with respect and tenderness so that they can leave a sexual experience feeling good about themselves.

Take some time to connect with your partner and reflect on everything that happened in a positive, kind way. The kind of relationship you’re in doesn’t diminish the need for making sure everyone feels good about the sex that took place.

It helps relieve underlying sexual shame.

While sex is not shameful and should be enjoyed (safely) by one and all, it can sometimes bring up feelings of shame due to the sex-negative messages many of us faced growing up. While the logical mind tells us that sex is normal and healthy, our subconscious can store these shameful messages. After sex, after that delicious post-orgasmic high, your body can suddenly unearth the subconscious shame. This might be especially relevant if one or more parties was raised within a conservative or religious background

“Part of the point of aftercare is to diminish any post-sexual shame, which can be heightened by sex followed by goodbye, leaving a partner to feel you [didn’t care] for them but only [wanted] sexual gratification,” says Gail Saltz, M.D., associate professor of psychiatry at the New York–Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine. “Women, in particular, have been socialized to feel that [sex for] sexual gratification only is a shameful act. It is, of course, not, but nonetheless, being cared for in some way afterward often mitigates those feelings of shame.”

Aftercare helps to stave off the post-coital blues.

Have you ever felt like crying after sex? You know, when you have a truly amazing orgasm and then feel sad for no reason? This is called “post-coital dysphoria,” or the post-sex blues. It’s believed to come from the euphoric rush and sudden comedown that follows intense sexual pleasure. It is the brain’s way of recalibrating. Research has shown that nearly half of men and women have experienced PCD at some point in their lives.

Aftercare is the salve that soothes these sad feelings. “Sometimes people can feel alienated from their partners after the euphoric feelings from sex wear off,” Shaffer explains. “Aftercare routines can help them to feel close in a purposeful way.”

Have an open and honest discussion about PCD and develop an aftercare routine that makes you feel safe and secure. You might want to cuddle, perhaps you want your partner to stroke your arm, or you might want to have a nice chat or a deeper conversation. “If you know there is something after sex that would make you feel better, then you need to speak up and ask for what you want. Your partner wants you to feel good, and anything they can do in aftercare needs to be communicated and shared with them,” D’Angelo says.

Sex is very fun, but it can be an emotionally fraught thing in addition to all the pleasures, so we need to take precautions to ensure that everyone walks away from the experience feeling positive and good about themselves. Whatever form of aftercare works for you is perfectly fine. Just be sure you have a discussion about it before any sexy time takes place. When it comes to sex, we all deserve to walk out the door afterward feeling emotionally whole and great about ourselves.

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