How To Maintain Rules And Boundaries In An Open Relationship

By Josee Ng

Monogamy, the practice of being in romantic relationships with one partner at a time, is the most accepted form of relationship in most modern societies. It wasn’t the norm with our ancestors, but monogamy is an ordained foundation of marriage in most parts of the world today. However, just as polyamory or polygamy — having multiple romantic or sexual partners at the same time — isn’t for everyone, neither is monogamy. “[Some] individuals may feel that monogamy is a prison that traps them in a permanent arrangement that is sexually frustrating and devoid of emotional intimacy,” explains professor of psychology Dr. Lawrence Josephs on Psychology Today.

According to a YouGov America survey of over 23,000 Americans, nearly 25% of U.S citizens say they would be keen to explore an open relationship. Unlike cheating, partners involved in these non-monogamous relationships lay all their cards on the table. There’s no such thing as dishonesty or adultery in an agreed-upon open relationship. Per a psychological study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, people in consensual, non-monogamous relationships experience the same levels of relationship satisfaction as those in monogamous relationships. That said, navigating an open relationship remains a hazy subject for many and ground rules and boundaries are needed to give it clarity. Here are some tips on making the course of an open relationship run smoothly.

1. Set out priorities and allocate time appropriately

According to counselor Kathy Labriola’s models of open relationships published in the Journal of Lesbian Studies, an open relationship usually consists of a primary relationship and the “secondary” relationships surrounding it. The primary relationship is usually the long-term one and has dominance over outside relationships that recently emerge and might last temporarily. So basically, there are primary lovers, and there are secondary lovers. The rule of thumb is that secondary relationships always play second fiddle to primary ones, and secondary lovers are not in a place to negotiate for what they want. Primary lovers should always be given priority, including time and attention. Therefore, you should appropriately allocate the time spent with each lover to prevent overlapping and upstaging.

The most important thing is to make sure that all the partners involved in an open relationship agree on the arrangements. “Agreements imply that both (or all) people are agreeing to something, making it an ethical and collaborative decision,” says psychotherapist Rachel Wright (via mindbodygreen). It is up to the couple to determine if they desire a long-term, short-term, sexual, or non-sexual relationship. An open relationship can only succeed if everyone in the relationship is comfortable with the ground rules and expectations that have been established. If anyone wants more leeway in a relationship, they will have no choice but to be patient and play by the rules.

2. Set sexual boundaries

Since an open relationship might involve multiple sexual partners, you should agree on what types of sexual encounters are acceptable and what are considered off-limits, says relationship therapist Matt Lundquist (via Women’s Health). For instance, discuss with your partner whether you’re allowed to have penetrative sex or kiss other partners, how regularly you and your hookups should be screened for sexual infections, and whether public displays of affection with other partners are okay. You should also talk about who not to hook up with. For instance, no sleeping with anyone from the same neighborhood or no hooking up with anyone your partner hasn’t met.

Since the definition of an open relationship is open to interpretation, the partners involved should have an explicit understanding of what they’re signing up for and make arrangements as they see fit. To help you get to the heart of the matter more easily, dating coach and founder of The Broom List, Tennesha Wood (via TZR) introduces four popular types of open relationships. They include monogamish, swinging, polyamory, and relationship anarchy. A monogamish relationship is where partners are romantically exclusive but allows for strictly sexual encounters every once in a while. Swinging refers to the act of swapping sexual partners or having sex outside one’s primary relationship. Polyamory is the practice of having more than one sexual and romantic relationship simultaneously with the informed consent of all partners. In a relationship anarchy, there’s no primary relationship, and everyone enjoys equal priority.

3. Have a healthy sex life

Any sexual relationship comes with certain health risks, and safety should be a top concern for all partners. For example, people who engage in BDSM are more likely to sustain nerve damage and falls, while oral sex might transmit hepatitis A and B as well as intestinal parasites. In addition, having multiple sexual partners can raise the risk of developing sexually transmitted infections, according to a study conducted by the English Longitudinal Study of Aging. These infections can snowball into more severe health conditions like cervical cancer, liver cancer, HIV, and infertility.

The key to staying safe in any type of sexual relationship is honesty and consensuality. It’s hard to come clean about your sexual history, health conditions, and sexual habits, but open communication can reduce the risks of sexual diseases for the partners involved and give you carefree, quality sex. If your partner’s not in for sexual protection, give that relationship a pass. Your long-term health should be prioritized over temporary sexual pleasure. Per Burnett Foundation Aotearoa, the easiest and most reliable approach to keep everyone safe during sex is to make it a rule to use condoms and lube all the time and get regular STIs screening. If you suspect that you have an infection, you should let your sexual partners know immediately so they can also get timely health check-ups.

4. Set limits for emotional intimacy

The biggest challenge to overcome in an open relationship is probably the emotional line. That’s why you need to set emotional boundaries in advance to avoid hurting your long-term partner. Every couple may have a distinct set of limits that suit them the best. For example, one couple may decide that outside lovers should be objects of sexual gratification only, while others may not have problems with their partners spending time with their hookups in social settings. “No one is a mind-reader; if you want or don’t want something, it must be articulated,” says Chris Leeth, a professor of counseling at the University of Texas (via Insider).

If you have a bit of a jealousy streak, you should let your partner know in advance and work out an arrangement that doesn’t make you want to guilt-trip your partner when they spend time with other people. On the other hand, if you’re the type of person who can’t have sex without catching feelings, you should also tell that to your partner so you can address the issue promptly. A technique that you can try to avoid catching feelings post-sex is to avoid eye contact with your sexual partner, researcher Dr. Larry Young at Emory University tells Vice. The reason being is when you make an intimate connection with your sexual partner’s face and eyes, the information goes into your brain. If you want to divert it, make no eye contact when having sex.

5. Assess the state of your relationship every month

Every once in a while, you should check in with your long-term partner to assess how your non-exclusive relationship is doing. You might enjoy what’s going on, but your partner might have a hard time following the rules and boundaries. “[A monthly check-in] allows the couple to air out concerns or set new expectations they may have learned throughout the month,” says researcher and sex and relationship expert Dr. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn (via Bustle).

>An open discussion enables partners to share their feelings, alter the rules as needed, and decide whether they still want to be in an open relationship. It takes two to tango, and it takes all willing partners for an open relationship to work. Regular check-ins also give you a chance to nurture your primary relationship. Some people don’t mind if their mate has sex with someone else, but they may feel hurt when they feel emotionally ignored, says educational consultant Dr. Eli Sheff (via The University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center). Prioritizing the needs and wants of your primary partner is essential if you want to successfully practice non-monogamy.

Complete Article HERE!

The science of sexual orientation

— Can genes explain sexuality? Should we even try to know?

By Katie MacBride

There’s nothing new about being gay, but that hasn’t stopped scientists from trying to understand it.

Over the past two decades, many researchers have become focused on the notion of a “gay gene” — biological proof that one was “born this way.”

It makes sense: Our genes can influence who we are, and psychologists contend sexual orientation is not a conscious choice. It theoretically stands to reason there might be genetic underpinnings to who we become sexually attracted to.

But more recent research has both confirmed and debunked the notion of a genetic basis for sexual orientation. Instead of just one gene (or one marker on one gene) that determines sexual orientation, there are many genes with markers related to attraction to the same sex.

For example, in 2019, the researchers studying those markers and same-sex attraction told Inverse: “This finding suggests that on a genetic level, there is no single dimension from opposite-sex to same-sex preference.”

But that’s just part of the story.

Two new studies published Monday, one in Nature Human Behavior and the other in Scientific Reports, further illuminate the complexities of sexual orientation and how fraught scientific study of the subject is. They also highlight three key factors:

  1. Our own sexual orientation may be much more fluid than we thought.
  2. The same cluster of genes that may be associated with same-sex sexual behavior may confer some evolutionary advantage.
  3. There are inherent dangers in focusing on genetics in relation to sexual orientation.

Genes and sexual behavior — First author Brendan Zietsch, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Queensland in Australia, and colleagues attempted to discover why the genes associated with same-sex sexual behavior continue to flourish. Their study was published in Nature Human Behavior.

In a statement, the study authors report:

“Because [same-sex sexual behavior] SSB confers no immediately obvious direct reproductive or survival benefit and can divert mating effort away from reproductive opportunities, its widespread occurrence across the animal kingdom and human cultures raise questions for evolutionary biology.”

Using information from the UK Biobank, and questionnaire responses about sexual behavior from hundreds of thousands of individuals, the study team analyzed the genome of 477,522 people in the United Kingdom and the United States who had only had same-sex interactions.

They compared that data set to the genome of 358,426 people in the same countries who had only had opposite-sex encounters.

The team found the genes linked to same-sex behavior are also found in straight people. This gene profile across groups is associated with having more sexual partners.

Gay pride flag
A man waves an LGBTQ flag in front of the Bosnian parliament.

The authors posit that the number of opposite-sex sexual partners could be advantageous from an evolutionary perspective, as it could lead to more children.

In turn, they argue their results help explain why same-sex sexual behavior has persisted throughout the evolution of the human species: These genetic effects may have been favored by evolution as they are associated with more children.

Ultimately and critically, the authors claim, the genes may less have to do with sexual preference and more to do with sexual openness/willingness.

The ethical debate — Other scientists caution against extrapolating information about sexual preference or behavior from genes.

In a commentary piece published alongside the study, ethicists Julian Savulescu, Brian D. Earp, and Udo Schuklenk distill the debate around whether or not this kind of research will lead to societal abuse.

They write:

“One can imagine technologically advanced repressive regimes where homosexuality is outlawed requiring genetic testing of embryos and foetuses, destroying those disposed to SSB, or testing children early in life for their propensities. Others will respond that the world (or at least some parts of it) has become more accepting of homosexuality, so perhaps these worries are overblown.”

What matters, they argue, is creating a society in which this kind of genetic research can’t be abused to further harm anyone, much less already marginalized groups.

They write: “Genes shape, limit, and provide opportunities for who we are and who we can be, both as individuals and as members of communities. To prepare for further research into polygenic behavioral traits including SSB, we must reshape society.”

Ilan Dar-Nimrod, a researcher and professor at The University of Sydney’s School of Psychology, tells Inverse “genes are taking oversize agency” in the minds of sexual behavior researchers.

“Genes code for properties,” he explains. “And although they can predict a lot of things, many people have this one-to-one view: if you have the gene, you’re going to be that and you can’t change it.”

That’s simply not in line with what we know about the science of genetics, he says.

On Monday, Dar-Nimrod and his colleagues also published a study looking at sexual preferences, this one in Scientific Reports. This study’s results support his assertion about preferences being more malleable than genes would suggest.

Sexuality is a spectrum

In their study, Dar-Dimrod and colleagues asked 420 cisgender people ranging in age from 18 to 83 to read literature. The study participants identified as exclusively heterosexual.

“We’ve just changed how they look at it.”

One group read literature about sexual preferences as a fluid spectrum. For example, one of the articles discussed gradations of sexual attraction towards men and women and noted that people can fall anywhere along the continuum. Another article explained that sexual orientation can change over time, shifting throughout one’s life instead of being fixed. The control group read unrelated articles.

After reading the literature about sexual fluidity:

  • Twenty-eight percent of the participants in the experimental group were more likely to identify as non-exclusively heterosexual.
  • Nineteen percent indicated they would be more likely to be willing to engage in same-sex sexual activities.

The rate of participants identifying as “non-exclusive heterosexual” more than quadrupled after the experiment.

In contrast, in the control group, only 8 percent of the participants identified as “non-exclusively heterosexual” after reading the literature unrelated to sexual preferences.

Dar-Nimrod says there were several results that surprised him:

  • How many people in the experimental group identified as “non-exclusively heterosexual” following the experiment
  • People actually expressed a willingness to engage in same-sex activities following the experiment
  • That even when balanced with literature refuting the idea of sexual preference as a spectrum — one of the articles argued that sexual orientation is indeed fixed — participants still gave more credence to the literature that discussed a sexual spectrum

Dar-Nimord doesn’t believe the literature he had the experimental group read actually changed who the participants were attracted to.

“We haven’t changed the underlying orientation,” he says. “We’ve just changed how they look at it.”

While our genes may predispose us to certain traits and conditions, when it comes to behavior, our society, environment, and relationships all play a huge role in how we behave.

“Do we really need to suggest that [queer people] were born with a certain gene to accept them and their relationships with other consenting adults?” Dar-Nimord says. “I don’t think so.”

Once we realize we’re not in fixed, black and white boxes, we have the freedom to explore the gray area to which most of us belong. At least, that’s what science really can show.

Nature Human Behavior abstract: Human same-sex sexual behaviour (SSB) is heritable, confers no immediately obvious direct reproductive or survival benefit and can divert mating effort from reproductive opportunities. This presents a Darwinian paradox: why has SSB been maintained despite apparent selection against it? We show that genetic effects associated with SSB may, in individuals who only engage in opposite-sex sexual behaviour (OSB individuals), confer a mating advantage. Using results from a recent genome-wide association study of SSB and a new genome-wide association study on number of opposite-sex sexual partners in 358,426 individuals, we show that, among OSB individuals, genetic effects associated with SSB are associated with having more opposite-sex sexual partners. Computer simulations suggest that such a mating advantage for alleles associated with SSB could help explain how it has been evolutionarily maintained. Caveats include the cultural specificity of our UK and US samples, the societal regulation of sexual behaviour in these populations, the difficulty of measuring mating success and the fact that measured variants capture a minority of the total genetic variation in the traits.

Scientific Reports abstract: We examined whether heterosexual individuals’ self‐reported sexual orientation could be influenced experimentally by manipulating their knowledge of the nature of sexual orientation. In Study 1 (180 university students, 66% female) participants read summaries describing evidence for sexual orientation existing on a continuum versus discrete categories or a control manipulation, and in Study 2 (460 participants in a nationally representative Qualtrics panel, 50% female) additionally read summaries describing sexual orientation as fluid versus stable across the life‐course. After reading summaries, participants answered various questions about their sexual orientation. In Study 1, political moderates and progressives (but not conservatives) who read the continuous manipulation subsequently reported being less exclusively heterosexual, and regardless of political alignment, participants reported less certainty about their sexual orientation, relative to controls. In Study 2, after exposure to fluid or continuous manipulations heterosexual participants were up to five times more likely than controls to rate themselves as non‐exclusively heterosexual. Additionally, those in the continuous condition reported less certainty about their sexual orientation and were more willing to engage in future same‐sex sexual experiences, than those in the control condition. These results suggest that non‐traditional theories of sexual orientation can lead heterosexuals to embrace less exclusive heterosexual orientations.

Complete Article HERE!

Sex After Cancer

— The Midlife Woman’s Edition

Help for sexual side effects from cancer treatment is out there — but you may need to ask for it.

The impact of cancer treatment on women’s sexual health, and how to mitigate it, was highlighted at the 2022 North American Menopause Society annual meeting.

By Becky Upham

When it comes to sexual dysfunction caused by cancer treatment, most women suffer in silence.

With significant advances in oncology care, the majority of women and girls diagnosed with cancer will go on to become long-term cancer survivors. An estimated 89 percent of female cancer survivors are age 50 and older, according to the American Cancer Society.

That is no small number of women, and the North American Menopause Society (NAMS), a leading medical association dedicated to promoting the health and quality of life of all women during midlife and beyond, focused on women facing the issue at this year’s annual meeting in Atlanta in October. Sharon L. Bober, PhD, an associate professor at Harvard Medical School and the director of the sexual health program at Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston, presented on the topic of sex and cancer.

Cancer Treatment Can Impair Sexual Function

Every major type of cancer treatment — surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, and hormonal therapies — has the potential to disrupt or impair sexuality and sexual function, according to Dr. Bober.

More than two in three women with cancer, or 66 percent, will experience sexual dysfunction, according to a meta-analysis published in January 2022 in the International Journal of Reproductive Biomedicine. This can encompass various aspects of sexual function, such as desire, arousal, and orgasm as well as other aspects of sexual health such as sexual satisfaction and perceived body image.

Yet, despite how common these issues are, most women cancer survivors do not receive adequate information, support, or treatment, says Bober. Studies suggest that most oncology providers lack training in this aspect of patient care, are not familiar with validated tools to efficiently identify patients with sexual problems, and do not feel knowledgeable about available resources.

Ask About Potential Sexual Side Effects

Both patients and oncology providers report they do not want to make each other uncomfortable, which means that the problems go unaddressed. Women undergoing cancer treatment should ask their providers about sexual side effects. “I think women need to ask their oncology providers if treatment will result either in menopause or an increase in menopausal symptoms so they can be proactive about seeking help if necessary,” says Bober. Chemotherapy or radiation therapy to the pelvis are examples of cancer treatments that may trigger menopause, she says. This can lead to genitourinary symptoms of menopause (GSM), which can include vaginal dryness or burning, issues with urination, recurrent UTIs, tightening of the vagina canal, and discomfort with intercourse.

Commonly Reported Problems During and After Cancer Treatment

In addition to GMS, other commonly reported symptoms can include psychological distress (including distraction and avoidance), decreased desire and sexual satisfaction, body image distress, loss of sensation and body integrity, relationship stress, and dating challenges.

Because support for sexual health and sexual recovery is not yet a standard part of oncology care, it’s especially important to be able to identify changes that are bothersome and then specifically seek out resources as needed, says Bober.

Sexual Aids Can Help Address Symptoms That Contribute to Sexual Dysfunction

Sexual health resources can include vaginal lubricants and moisturizers, dilator therapy (a tube-shaped device that can help stretch the vagina), and pelvic floor exercises, all of which may help women with genitourinary symptoms, says Bober.

In a survey of 218 female cancer survivors published in the August 2017 Breast Cancer Research and Treatment, most women reported knowing about these options, but nearly 1 in 5 women, or 19 percent, had never tried any.

Online Resources for Finding Help With Sexual Dysfunction

Depending on your issue, Bober recommends finding an expert who can help; for example, a provider certified in menopause care or a therapist who has experience with sexual health after cancer.

“This is often where resources online can be helpful, including the NAMS practitioner finder, the Scientific Network on Female Sexual Health and Cancer and the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) to find a certified sex therapist,” says Bober.

Sexual side effects of treatment do not typically resolve on their own; that’s why being proactive is so important, she emphasizes. For some women, a physical therapist who has specialized training and expertise around the pelvic floor may be useful, says Bober. Not every PT has this type of training, she cautions. The American Academy of Pelvic Health Physical Therapy offers a guide to nearby therapists who are certified in pelvic health. Sexual dysfunction is also associated with anxiety, depression, relationship stress, and loss of self-efficacy (belief in one’s ability to complete a task or achieve a goal).

Sexual issues that arise as a result of cancer treatment don’t just impact quality of life; they can also impact adherence to cancer treatment, says Stephanie S. Faubion, MD, the Penny and Bill George Director of the Mayo Clinic’s Center for Women’s Health and the medical director of the North American Menopause Society. In fact, sexual symptoms are the primary reason for premature discontinuation of treatment or failure to initiate therapy. “If women are actually stopping their therapies because of sexual dysfunction, that doesn’t help anybody,” she says.

More Cancer Centers Offer Treatment, Support for Sexual Dysfunction

Bober recommends an approach that takes into account the physical, mental, social, and cultural issues that contribute to sexual dysfunction related to cancer, which she calls a biopsychosocial model.

On a positive note, there is evidence that this may be changing for the better, says Bober, with increased interest in the treatment of cancer-related sexual dysfunction, including medications, physical therapy, and counseling options. Some of these options are being offered at cancer centers.

At the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute where Bober is the director of the sexual health program for cancer patients and survivors, the healthcare team includes a psychologist specializing in sexual rehabilitation counseling for men, women, and couples, a gynecologist specializing in female sexual health, a urologist with expertise in male sexual health, an endocrinologist who focuses on hormonal changes after cancer treatment, a reproductive endocrinologist who specializes in fertility issues after cancer, and a fertility expert specializing in fertility and reproductive health during and after cancer treatment.

Complete Article HERE!

What Sex Was Like in Medieval Times?

— Historians Look at How People Got It On in the Dark Ages

The adjective medieval tends to conjure up vivid and sometimes off-putting images, not least when applied to sex. But how many of us have any sense at all of what the real people of the Middle Ages got up to in bed? To get one, we could do worse than asking historian Eleanor Janega, teacher of the course Medieval Gender and Sexuality and host of the History Hit video above, “What Was Sex Really Like For Medieval People?” In it, Janega has first to make clear that, yes, medieval Europeans had sex; if they hadn’t, of course, many of us wouldn’t be here today. But we’d be forgiven for assuming that the seemingly absolute dominance of the Church quashed any and all of their erotic opportunities.

According to the medieval Church, Janega says, “the only time sex is acceptable is between two married people for procreative purposes.” Its many other restrictions included “no sex on Saturdays and Sundays in case you’re too turned on during mass; only have sex in the missionary position, because anything else subverts the natural relationship between men and women; don’t get fully naked during sex, because it’s just too exciting; in short, during sex, you should be trying to have the least amount of fun possible.” Strict and unambiguous though these rules were, “nobody really listened to them” — and what’s more, given the lack of private spaces, “sex was almost a public affair in the Middle Ages.”

So says Kate Lister, who researches the history of sexuality, and who turns up to bring her own knowledge of the subject to the party. “We tend to think about medieval people as being real prudes,” says Janega, but even scant historical records — and rather more copious erotic manuscript marginalia — show that “they were interested in all kinds of sex and romance that we would find completely unacceptable.” Lister adds that, “in many ways, we’re not open like the medieval people were. We don’t have public communal bathing. We don’t have sex in the same room as other people. We don’t go to a high-brow dinner party and tell pubic-hair jokes.” Or we don’t, at least, if we haven’t devoted our careers to the sexuality of the Middle Ages, a field of history clearly unfit for prudes.

Complete Article HERE!

Has Ethical Non-Monogamy Lost Its Way?

By

“This language was supposed to be about trust, honesty, communication, and commitment— defining commitment in a different kind of way.” Across a staticky Zoom call, Emily Witt and I are comparing notes on non-monogamy. “It was supposed to prevent lying and concealment,” continues the journalist and author of the seminal 2017 book Future Sex: A New Kind of Free Love. “But I don’t really see it accomplishing that anymore—it actually seems to be giving people an excuse to act worse than ever.” She is in her office in New York, I’m in mine, in London—but despite an ocean of distance, our “notes” are markedly similar. “I’m sure this will feel familiar to most people on dating apps right now,” says Witt, rolling her eyes.

There had been a time when, like Witt, I approached non-monogamy with a kind of puppyish idealism. It was 2017 and terms like “poly” and “ethically non-monogamous” (ENM) had just begun to penetrate the mainstream—as refreshing as a cold Pepsi on a hot day. It felt like the start of something brave and new—the start of a redefinition, as Witt says.

Recently, though, I’ve begun to wonder whether we weren’t all a little too hasty in embracing this newfound terminology. For far too long, all I have heard is horror stories—friends (almost always women) unmoored by the dynamics in these “relationships.” “Nowadays,” says Witt, “you see the term ‘ethically non-monogamous’ [on someone’s profile] and it doesn’t necessarily mean that the person will behave ethically or articulate what those ethics mean. More often it’s like they’re making a pronouncement: ‘Play at your own risk, I’m not going to take any emotional responsibility for you.’”

Take 31-year-old Kate, for example. She recently matched on Feeld with a man who was in an open relationship. What she liked about him—let’s call him Shaun—was that he went to great lengths to be clear about how and why he’d opened the relationship with his “primary partner” (whom he’d been with for five years). He was clear about what his boundaries were, and how he hoped to bring other people, like Kate, into his life. It was refreshing, she explains, to have such a forthright conversation about what they both wanted. She hadn’t set out to date like this, but Shaun made it all sound so easy.

Plus, she had recently found that the ubiquity of non-monogamy—if not in practice, then certainly in app bios—made it hard to avoid. “There are maybe three monogamists left in London,” she quips. “And they’re all short.” She had a lot in common with Shaun, and they had a similar sense of humor, so after a week of messaging, she was excited to meet him for a drink. That first date was fun, they shared a kiss and kept talking. After their second date, Shaun came back to Kate’s and they slept together. “At about two in the morning, he turned to me and said, ‘By the way, my girlfriend and I have a rule that we can’t stay the night at other people’s places.’” In all the many hours of conversation about Shaun’s boundaries and his primary partner’s comfort levels, this “rule” had never come up.

“He got up, got dressed, and left. I was just lying in bed feeling really… I mean, it affected me, mentally. I felt used,” Kate tells me. And the worst part, she points out, is that she felt like she couldn’t voice her discomfort. “I thought it was illogical for me to feel used, because he’d been upfront about having a primary partner—and having a responsibility to that person… but he never said he wouldn’t sleep over, and if he had, I wouldn’t have had sex with him.” Afterwards, Shaun’s communication slowed, he became evasive or unresponsive, and eventually told her that he’d decided—for the good of his primary relationship—that he wouldn’t see the same person more than once. “It was like he’d used all this language about compassion, and openness—about bringing people in ‘ethically’—to lure me into a false sense of security about how he’d treat me. Then, as soon as we’d had sex, he used his non-monogamous status as a way to absolve himself of any responsibility to me. I’d rather he’d just said, ‘I’m sorry, I’m not into this anymore.’ Instead, I was left feeling like it was my own fault that I was hurt, because that’s just what I’d signed up for.”

For Leanne Yau—a non-monogamy educator and founder of Poly Philia, a platform that offers digestible information on poly best practice—this is the absolute antithesis of what a poly lifestyle is meant to be about. She opens our conversation with an emphatic “I have a lot to say on this issue.” Yau, who has spent years advocating for this community, is irked by the influx of people co-opting the language of non-monogamy, without ever trying to understand the theory behind it. “Unfortunately, a lot of people have begun to conflate polyamory with being single and casually dating,” she says. “But being poly or ethically non-monogamous is about responsibility, and taking responsibility for your partners: you factor them into your decisions, you consider their feelings, you uphold your commitments to them and respect their boundaries. You strive to be open, honest, and compassionate towards them—it isn’t just a matter of reading someone their rights then doing whatever you want.”

The problem clearly isn’t the relationship configurations themselves—which, as Witt points out, were always meant to be about defining commitment, rather than safeguarding apathy. For her, it comes down to dating apps, which have spread the language of non-monogamy so widely, “that people who may not have heard the terms before, read a book like The Ethical Slut, or come out of a subculture where these practices are discussed and studied, will go on a dating app, see ‘ethical non-monogamy’ or ‘poly-curious,’ and take it to mean whatever they want it to.” Witt has often found herself untangling the miscommunications borne of this new world where two people might use the same word to mean two completely different things. “For instance,” she says, “I’ve had a guy whom I was dating—and whom I wanted a relationship with—say that he would be polyamorous with me.” Polyamory, as Witt understands it (and as I understand it, too), is the practice of having many concurrent relationships. If anything, it is a deeply committed way to live. Witt continues: “I said to him, ‘Are you saying you want to be my boyfriend? Because that’s not the vibe that I’m getting at all. It seems like you want to do whatever you want—and if it’s convenient for you to hang out with me, then you’ll be there, but otherwise not.’” They broke up soon afterwards—as she suspected, when he said “polyamorous,” he didn’t mean “boyfriend.” “But if I’d taken him at face value, I could have ended up quite badly hurt.”

This story is echoed by a friend who’s recently sworn off dating anyone on the ENM spectrum. “I’ve just found that what a person usually means is that they want to have regular sex without committing to you or to anyone—or they want the full relationship experience but without taking accountability for your feelings.” She says that, after trying this a few times, the lack of “stability and safety” that she felt in these relationships left her constantly on guard. “Ultimately I felt like people were whitewashing their bad behavior by couching it in these terms.”

“What is interesting to me,” says Sarah, who is 33, has been single for two years, and dates mainly via Feeld and Hinge, “is that we are well-versed in the red flags of jealousy and possessiveness—and we avoid these like the plague—but there is another end of the spectrum now, equally dangerous in some ways, where someone uses non-monogamy to convey a sense that they are so free-spirited that they simply cannot be pinned down. I’ve noticed increasingly that it’s older men who are calling themselves ENM—Peter Pan boys in their 40s, who have learned a new language to help them avoid accountability and protect their ‘free to fuck anyone I like’ status. It puts the onus on you, like, ‘Am I going to eat the crumbs you’re offering, knowing that I’ll never feel satisfied, or do I just walk away?’ And if you don’t walk away, then it’s all on you.”

Witt sees the rise in people proclaiming themselves poly as part of a wider trend within the app-sphere for “pop psych” explanations for our behaviors. “I’m sure you’ve seen all that stuff about attachment styles and ‘love languages,’” she says. “If another guy tells me he’s ‘avoidant,’ as if it’s some way to excuse behaving irresponsibly towards someone, I might actually scream.” For Yau, the misuse of poly and ENM terms comes down to the fact that we live in a highly individualistic society. Non-monogamy is ultimately a relational state—something that’s meant to be discussed, explored, and defined by the people engaging in it. It’s not so much something you “are,” as something you do with other people—so the premise of it breaks down when we use it to defend or prop up a behavior, like, “sorry, this is just who I am.”

Personally, I feel a lot of compassion for people who are blundering their way through this new world. I spent a year in an ENM relationship doing just that—and looking back, I can see myself in many of these descriptions of bad behavior. I learned rather quickly that the utopian ideal of “anything goes as long as we’re honest” could, in practice, be corrupting, painful, and humiliating. It wasn’t because I personally was a bad-faith actor—as I said, I entered with an idealistic outlook—but rather, that I hadn’t taken the time to properly educate myself on what was required. Also—and perhaps most crucially—my partner at the time wasn’t really up for it. He went along with it because those were the only terms I was offering—at first uncertainly, then with a gusto which was mainly born out of a desire to “teach me a lesson.” He was hurt that I didn’t want to be with him exclusively, so then he slept with other people to show me what this hurt was like—and when he did, I was rarely allowed to express dismay because “I wanted this” and “this was my choice.” Both of which were true—I did want it, it was my choice—but I’ve never felt such searing hot jealousy as the time he came home from a wedding and explained that the reason he’d stopped replying to my messages halfway through the evening was because he was sleeping with a bridesmaid. As a friend said to me at the time: “There are only ever two people in an open relationship, the one who wants it and the one who’s crying themselves to sleep at night.” Somehow I was both.

All of which is to say that I’m not here to call anyone out or point any fingers. I’d like to think that most people don’t have bad intentions—we’re all just trying our best. It’s just that as people calling themselves “non-monogamous” take up more and more space within the dating sphere, we must try to understand the emotional sticky patches—the murkiness, as well as the light. It clearly isn’t ever okay to make someone feel disposable—but it’s particularly not okay if you’re co-opting terms which have been specifically developed to guard against that. At this point, you’re not just hurting someone’s feelings, you’re making them question what right they have to be hurt—a strange kind of gaslighting.

After a drunken night out, a friend sends me a link to an article by New York Times columnist Michelle Goldberg, a review of Rethinking Sex: A Provocation by Christine Emba, in which Emba explores the concept of “sexual liberation” as it currently exists. There’s one particular line, my friend says, which made her think of our discussion about ENM: “What passes for sex positivity is a culture of masochism disguised as hedonism. It’s what you get when you liberate sex without liberating women.” In a way, she says, this is how she feels about non-monogamy now: We are more liberated than ever before from the old strictures of monogamy—but we’re not evolved enough to know what to do with, or how to act in, our freedom.

Complete Article HERE!

The evolutionary paradox of homosexuality

Being gay no longer holds the stigma it once did, but in evolution, why does a non-reproductive trait persist?

By

In 1913 George Levick, an explorer, travelled to Antarctica. There, he found something so terrible that he requested his findings not be published. In case the correspondence was leaked or intercepted, he took the further precaution of writing key sections in ancient Greek: these were not letters to be read by the lower orders.

Levick had been studying penguins: birds whose monogamous lifestyle had so impressed the Victorians that they had been held up as models of probity and integrity.

But he had seen something on his trip to the bottom of the world that had caused him to question that assessment. “There seems,” he wrote with palpable shock, “to be no crime too low for these penguins.” Levick’s penguins, you see, were gay.

And if penguins can be homosexual, what was to say that that behaviour, far from being the perversion society presumed it was, was natural in humans too?

These days homosexuals, avian or otherwise, generally have an easier time of it. While we may have accepted that same sex attraction is natural, though, there is a far harder question: why is it natural?

We know that homosexuality is, at least in part, genetic. Studies show, for instance, that identical twins are more likely to be both homosexual than non-identical twins. So it is passed on by evolution. This is a problem, particularly so with men – who for obvious reasons find it harder to fake an interest in sex.

Imagine you had never heard of evolution, and someone described it to you. One of the most basic predictions you would surely make is that a trait that made people less likely to reproduce should die out. Male homosexuality, a trait that, at least among exclusive homosexuals, means people have no interest at all in the act of reproduction, should never have existed in the first place. And yet it does. How?

To answer that question, researchers have gone to a place where homosexuality itself does not exist, at least in the form we know it: Samoa. Here, in the South Pacific, there is a third gender called the Fa’afafine – a group born male who behave as women.

This is not the only place with third genders. There are the “Two-Spirit” people of Native America. There are the Khatoey ladyboys of Thailand. There are the Hijras of Pakistan. In 2004 a Hijra, Asha Devi, was elected mayor of Gorakhpur under the slogan “You’ve tried the men and tried the women. Now try something different”.

Hijra offer prayers on the occasion of Urs festival in Hooghly near Kolkata © Saikat Paul/Pacific Press/LightRocket via Getty Images
Hijra offer prayers on the occasion of Urs festival in Hooghly near Kolkata

Paul Vasey, from the University of Lethbridge in Canada, believes that homosexuality as it manifests itself in most of today’s world is unusual. In more ancient cultures, he thinks you can see homosexuality as it was practised by our ancestors in deep time – as a “third gender”.

And in looking at these third genders – in particular the Fa’afafine – he believes we can find clues as to why this evolutionary paradox of male homosexuality persists.

What is interesting for Professor Vasey is that, firstly, there is no recognised gay identity in Samoa and that, secondly, the Fa’afafine occur at the same proportion as male homosexuals in the west. He believes there is a simple explanation for this.

“I’m gay,” says Professor Vasey. “But if I’d grown up in Samoa I wouldn’t look like this. I’d probably look like a really ugly Fa’afafine.”

Fa’afafine translates literally as “in the manner of a woman”. Boys who appear more feminised in their behaviour will often be classified as a Fa’afafine, and brought up as something between a woman and a man. There is also an analogue for masculinised girls – Fa’afatama.

The fact they also go on to sleep with men is not the only similarity between Fa’afafine and western gay men. “There’s all kinds of traits the two share in common. Both exhibit elevated childhood gender atypical behaviour, both exhibit elevated childhood cross sex wishes, both exhibit elevated childhood separation anxiety, both prefer female-typical occupations in adulthood.”

For Professor Vasey, it seems obvious that being Fa’afafine and being gay is the “same trait, expressed differently depending on the culture.” He even argues that the oddity is the West – that the way homosexuality manifests in Europe and North America may even be an expression of our repression rather than our freedom.

“The part of the brain that controls sexual partner preference, it’s the same for all of us,” he says. “It’s just that if you take that biological potential, put it in Samoa where society doesn’t flip out about male femininity, then feminine little boys grow up to be Fa’afafine. If you take that potential, put it in Canada, feminine boys learn pretty quickly they had better masculinise to survive.” This, he believes, is precisely what he ended up doing.

Whether the “third gender” really is the ancestral form of homosexuality, with the way it is practised in the West today an aberration, is a separate issue. That it can take such widely different forms, shows the impact society can have on sexuality. That its prevalence remains largely the same also shows the limits of such socialisation – that there is something else going on. But what?

Professor Vasey is one of the very few scientists in the world looking at this question, and he does so thanks to the Fa’afafine. There are two specific theories used to explain male homosexuality that he is interested in. The first could be termed the “benevolent uncle hypothesis”.

Alatina Ioelu does not remember not being a Fa’afafine. Yet he does remember not wanting to be one. “You don’t really come out,” he said. “You’re just that. In a way it’s good, in a way it’s not good. When you’re growing up as a kid you’re innocent of your actions, how you move or sound. You’re not aware you are doing something that doesn’t conform to the norms of how society considers boys.”

But he clearly didn’t, because his classmates began to call him a Fa’afafine. “And so you grow up being known as that. I wanted to distance myself from it, I didn’t want to be that.” He couldn’t, though, because he realised it was true. “In the end you’re like, ‘sh*t, that’s what I am.’”

It would be wrong to claim that the Fa’afafine are completely accepted in Samoa. There is a place for them, however, and always has been. “They walk around and nobody says, ‘Oh, that’s a Fa’afafine’. In my family we have a long line going back. I have a great uncle that’s a Fa’afafine, I have four second cousins, a first cousin…”

He realised that this itself was a paradox – all these Fa’afafine going back generations. “How the hell do we have Fa’afafine, and they don’t reproduce? How is it we are still around, when we don’t have children?”

He also realised that Professor Vasey may have the answer. Fa’afafine do not have biological children of their own. Conventionally, from the point Alatina realised who he was, he was taking himself out of the reproductive game. Or was he? Perhaps not entirely.

The benevolent uncle explanation is based on the idea that there is more than one way to pass on your genes. The best way to reproduce, in terms of percentage of genes passed on, is to clone yourself through asexual reproduction. Stick insects can do this. Humans, alas, can’t.

The most efficient method we have to perpetuate our genes is sexual reproduction – passing on half our DNA each time. It is not the only option, though. Your siblings, for instance, share half your genes, which means your nieces and nephews share a quarter. To an uncle each of those nieces and nephews is therefore, from a genetic point of view, worth half a child.

Tafi Toleafoa, a fa'afafine living in Alaska, USA, tends to her niece during a family gathering after church © Erik Hill/Anchorage Daily News/MCT via Getty Images
Tafi Toleafoa, a fa’afafine living in Alaska, USA, tends to her niece during a family gathering after church

What if simply having an extra man around, a benevolent uncle to provide for the extended family’s children, was enough to ensure more of those children survive to reproduce themselves? This could be where the Fa’afafine come in. Alatina says that there are clear and defined roles for them.

“They become almost like the caretakers of families. They are responsible for taking care of the elderly, parents, grandparents, even their siblings’ children. Because they are feminine they take up this motherly role in families.”

Having an extra hardworking adult without dependants is no minor advantage. Everyone has extra fish, extra firewood – and fuller bellies. It is not implausible that, particularly in difficult times, a childless Fa’afafine could ensure more nieces and nephews reach reproductive age. That is the idea behind the benevolent uncles hypothesis, that good uncling becomes a form of reproduction in itself.

To test the theory, Professor Vasey looks to see if the Fa’afafine are more avuncular – literally, uncle-like. He has found that, compared to single straight men or aunts, they are indeed more likely to want to look after their nieces and nephews. They take more interest in them, babysit more than straight men, buy more toys, tutor more and contribute more money to their education.

Of course, in order for a gay uncle to be useful you need to ensure he actually has nieces and nephews (and preferably a lot of them) to be useful for. There’s no point in being a good uncle with no one to look after. So it would be good for this theory if gay uncles were more likely to pop up in big families. Incredibly, they do.

One of the best-established and more intriguing results in homosexuality research is that the more elder brothers a man has, the greater his chances of being gay. The mechanism, only discovered this year, seems to involve each pregnancy leading the mother to develop antibodies against a protein involved in male foetal brain development.

The result is, as families get more likely to benefit from the services of a gay uncle, the chances of one appearing increases.

Problem solved? Not quite. In order for this to completely explain homosexuality, a lot of extra nieces and nephews would have to be born and survive – probably too many for the genetic mathematics to add up.

But Professor Vasey does not think the benevolent uncle theory needs to be a complete explanation. It can be one of many, and the other leading contender is the “sexually antagonistic gene hypothesis”, more snappily known as the “sexy sisters hypothesis”.

What if the genes for homosexuality persist because despite making non-reproductive (if avuncular) men, when they appear in women they produce excellent breeders? Again the Fa’afafine, and Samoa, have been his laboratory. Professor Vasey took 86 Fa’afafine, and 86 heterosexual Samoan men. He then looked at their grandmothers – who are easier to study than sisters, because all their breeding is already finished.

He found that the grandmothers of the Fa’afafine were indeed better breeders. The theory is simple. By passing on their genes these grandmothers might end up with the occasional grandson who wears dresses and doesn’t reproduce (though always remembers his nieces’ and nephews’ birthdays). But they themselves, thanks to the very same genes, were also better at reproducing – so made enough other grandchildren to make up for it. There is a problem, though, given the way the theory was originally framed. Somehow, the “sexy grandmothers’ hypothesis” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Complete Article HERE!

7 Ways To Have An Open Relationship When You’re Married

By loren_lankford

Are you curious about an open relationship, but not sure where to start? Maybe you’ve talked about it with your partner but don’t know how to have an open relationship and move forward.

Remember: all relationships are unique — one size does not fit all. Use these tips as a guide, but do what feels right for you.

1. Put it all out on the table

If you’ve been curious about making your relationship open, the first and most important thing to do is talk it over with your partner. Sit down at an appropriate time when both of you are calm and have plenty of time to chat.

Be sensitive in bringing it up, but be clear and honest with your emotions. Explain why this is something you’d like to try. If they agree, you can take the next step. If not, talk about other ways to evolve your monogamous relationship.

2. Set some ground rules

The rules couples put in place for their open relationships vary greatly but are all of equal importance. Once you’re sure that you both want to go forward, sit down and make a list of boundaries that both of you are comfortable with. Write them down and talk out all of the details before going forward.

While it’s important to be compromising in a relationship, this isn’t the place to bend over backward. Make your opinions known and don’t hold back.

Here are some common rules people in open relationships use. But don’t follow these — do what’s right for you:

  • Always practice safe sex outside the relationship.
  • No sex with mutual friends.
  • Sexual encounters must not interfere with the couple’s customary or planned time together.
  • Sex is permissible only when one partner is out of town.
  • Outside sex is only allowed with advance agreement with one’s lover.
  • Outside sex is allowed only when both partners participate.
  • Outside sex is never permitted at home.
  • Sex is permitted at home, but not in the bedroom.

3. Don’t be afraid to speak up

If you make rules that don’t work and you feel unhappy, be sure to leave room for adjustment. No one said the rules had to be set in stone and it may take time to feel out what works best for your relationship. Be patient with each other and the fog will start to clear.

4. Decide what you’re comfortable hearing about

If you feel the need to spill every detail of your escapades but your partner would rather you keep that to yourself (or vice-versa), you need to discuss those boundaries that make you both comfortable. Ask for the details you want but before you even ask make sure you really want to know.

Maybe you want to know who and when, but is it really necessary to know every detail? If you can handle it and it feels important to you then, by all means, ask!

5. Take it one step at a time

Start out slow. Consider first bringing someone else into your bedroom before you both go out on your own. Either way, be sure to have a frank discussion about each experience before proceeding full-steam ahead.

If it felt right and you’re ready to move forward, you can now do so with more confidence. But if something went awry, identify the root of the problem and work it out before moving on.

6. Don’t cheat

Unless your rules explicitly state that your partner wants to know nothing about who you sleep with, remember that cheating is still cheating, even in an open relationship. Holding back the details, even if it’s because you broke a rule and are worried you will hurt your partner, could cause greater problems going forward.

Your open relationship only works because you have trust, and once that’s gone you have nothing.

7. Don’t force the issue

If it isn’t working for one of you, it isn’t working for both. Whether this means adjusting your rules or stopping outside relations altogether, make the change that is going to make you comfortable.

Complete Article HERE!

A history of the horny side of the internet

In a new book, journalist Samantha Cole digs through the rich history of sex on the internet, from BBS to FOSTA

By Russell Brandom

From the very beginning, people on the internet have been obsessed with sex.

That’s the argument laid out in a new book by journalist Samantha Cole, How Sex Changed the Internet and the Internet Changed Sex. Cole digs through early internet history to show how sexual content and communities were part of the internet from its earliest days and had a profound effect on how the online space deals with identity, community, and consent. From identity play on early bulletin board sites to the rise of online pornography as an industry unto itself, Cole makes the case that you can’t make sense of the internet without sex — even if today’s major platform companies would like to.

Content note: This interview describes multiple sexual practices in straightforward language. Readers who are uncomfortable with these topics should use discretion.

The book makes the case that sex was a fundamental part of the internet from the very beginning. Why do you think that is?

It’s just such a part of human nature to want to connect as deeply as possible to other people, whether it’s online or not — and the internet opened up a new venue for that. Suddenly people could be whoever they wanted to be. They could take on these personas that were different from who they were away from the keyboard. They could express themselves in a way they never had before. For a lot of people, that branches out into sexuality almost immediately.

“What level of reality do you want to experience through the internet?”

It’s interesting reading those old message boards where people describe themselves as mythological creators or blobs or whatever they wanted to be. Then they would have these really deep, interesting, philosophical conversations about love and sex and relationships. In many cases, they would meet up and go on dates after that. Sometimes they got married and had kids. I say in the book, there are real people walking around who only exist because these bulletin board systems connected their parents.

There’s an immediate security concern there because you have people adopting pseudonyms to share information that’s otherwise really private. But it seems like, at this stage, the internet didn’t have a ton of tools for keeping your identity private.

Right — just to get in the door of a BBS like this, you had to call someone on the phone and give them your name and credit card info. So it was tangibly personal between you and the admin. Once you were inside, a lot of them would let you use whatever name you wanted, but there were other communities that would demand you use your name. Others would have you put your email address at the end of every post so people could contact you directly. It’s an interesting divide: what level of reality do you want to experience through the internet? But the more sexualized communities really emerged when people were using the internet to pretend to be something they wished they were or wanted to try.

How much does this change when you get into the contemporary internet, built on companies like Google and Facebook that are able to treat sexual content very differently?

It gets really complicated when you go from a single person running their hobbyist bulletin board scanning Playboy pictures to this huge machine of moderators making decisions. People can get really frustrated not having a central person to talk to about what’s happening on this platform that is a big part of their life. So that definitely has been a huge shift. We have these huge monopolies that are just running the show for us now, and it’s hard not to feel like you don’t have any of that control left.

“The conversation is getting more heated because everyone has a stake in it.”

At the same time, these companies are now beholden to payment processors and banks, and so they have to push all of this stuff off of their platform, in many cases, because of those financial obligations. So just seeing that change, it’s hard not to imagine the internet is going to keep getting more sanitized and less sexual.

You describe a lot of early moments of sex panic in a way that seems very similar to what we see now — but then, in other places, the internet seems to have made people more accepting. Do you think the conversation over moderating sexual content is changing?

People are definitely more aware of the legal landscape. If you asked the average person in the late ’90s if they knew about something like the Communications Decency Act, they would have no idea what you were talking about. But now, lots of people have real opinions about Section 230 and are really read up on this stuff. It’s all a lot more visible, and the conversation is getting more heated because everyone has a stake in it. You have so many more people relying on the internet for their jobs, sexual or not. So people are paying attention now in a way that they haven’t been in previous decades

What about the second part of the title, how the internet changed sex? All through the book, you can see people getting turned on to new things or exploring themselves in ways that wouldn’t have been possible offline. Do you think the internet has made our sex lives more specific or extreme?

I think having access to communities of like-minded people can really be world-changing. I researched a lot about fetish and kink communities, and for a lot of people, before they found those communities, they thought they were the only ones. So it’s been really interesting to see that grow up with the internet. Suddenly, you have thousands and thousands of people reading forums about their specific fetish and talking about what they’re into and why they’re into it.

One thing that really surprised me was these forums about how to suck your own dick. People were just trading tips and advice about how to do it, exercises to do. You would never have access to that kind of information without the internet because, first of all, you would never say it out loud to someone, just hoping they were into it. But suddenly, you have access to all these people all over the world who are like, “Yes, I want to trade advice about how to suck my own dick.”

That one was actually too vulgar for the book.

Do you think the internet is creating these desires or just making it safe to express them?

It can be hard to tell. You can definitely discover something new that you didn’t know you were into. Or you might realize you were into it all along, and you didn’t know it.

One of the stories I wrote recently was about people who were into blueberries and blueberrification. A lot of them were into this because they had watched Charlie & the Chocolate Factory when they were kids and said, “Oh, that made me feel a way,” and carried that with them for years without telling anyone. Then they get online, and they see there are a lot of people who also feel this way. That’s a transformational change. It’s not just, “I found this thing I didn’t know I was into,” but also “Now I can really express myself and buy a blueberry suit because I see other people are doing it, too.”

Having that community makes you feel less weird. It’s less isolating. I think that’s a huge part of why people have so much shame about their sexuality and their porn use. They feel like they’re the only one who wants this. When you find out you’re not the only one, that can be revolutionary.

Complete Article HERE!

What Is Postcoital Dysphoria?

Here’s what you need to know about the after-sex blues.

BY

Sometimes the best part of sex is after sex, when you get to lie around in a postcoital haze (after you pee for UTI-prevention purposes, obviously) and soak up all the just-got-laid vibes—unless sex leaves you feeling absolutely miserable, that is. Have you ever felt random sadness, irritability, or anxiety after an otherwise pleasant sexperience? Maybe the sex was good and you felt fine at first, but then afterward you noticed an overwhelming change in mood. Then, before you knew it, your emotions fully took over to the point where you started crying or froze up completely.

If any of this sounds familiar, then you may have experienced postcoital dysphoria, commonly referred to as “post-sex blues.” And don’t worry babe, you’re very much not alone.

Postcoital dysphoria (sometimes abbreviated PCD) is relatively common, and while we gals may have the monopoly on crying both in and out of bed, it’s not nearly as gender-specific as you might think. According to a 2015 study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 46 percent of the 233 female students surveyed experienced PCD at least once, and a 2019 study found that 41 percent of male students surveyed had experienced it at some point in their lifetime.

“Postcoital dysphoria is when a person experiences feelings of sadness, depression, anxiety or agitation after consensual sex—even if that sex was loving, satisfying, or enjoyable,” says Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, aka the Sensible Sexpert.

It can obviously be pretty disorienting and/or downright scary to get hit with a sudden wave of negative feelings out of nowhere, especially after you’ve just enjoyed a trip to bonetown and would much rather be cuddling with your partner in a state of post-orgasmic bliss. Luckily, if you are someone who experiences the post-sex blues, there are ways to deal. Here’s everything you need to know about postcoital dysphoria, including why it happens and how to keep it from killing your post-sex vibe.

What causes postcoital dysphoria?

Research on what causes postcoital dysphoria is somewhat limited, and it’s not exactly a condition where one size (or reason, rather) fits all. That said, experts do have a few theories on what causes the post-sex blues.

For some, postcoital dysphoria may be linked to other mental health conditions, including anxiety and depression, says Hall, adding that hormonal shifts, particularly after pregnancy, might also be a contributing factor. “The hormonal fluctuations that a pregnant person may experience postpartum or postnatal may cause these feelings of postcoital dysphoria,” she says.

According to Hall, it’s also thought that a history of abuse, “especially childhood sexual abuse,” might be related to some people’s experience of PCD.

“Another reason may be resentment,” she adds. “If a person has a history of emotional, psychological or physical abuse, then they may be more resentful about sex or sexual experiences, especially if they feel they don’t have complete control over these experiences.”

Whatever might be causing your own experience of postcoital dysphoria will depend on your own individual circumstances, obvs. It might be something you can figure out with a therapist, or you might literally just not know what exactly is behind your post-sex blues. Fortunately, no matter what’s causing it, there are ways to cope with PCD when it happens.

What are some techniques to cope with postcoital dysphoria?

An attack of bad vibes after sex can feel random and all consuming, but self-care practices like breathing exercises and meditation might help you deal if you find yourself experiencing negative feelings post-sex.

“I can’t emphasize enough the importance of breath work for any somatic condition such as postcoital dysphoria,” says James Humecky, somatic educator and certified surrogate partner therapist. “Breath brings us back to our bodies. Breath brings awareness. Awareness brings relief.”

If you feel the blues coming on after sex, Humecky suggests following these steps:

  1. Connect to your body by getting comfortable and distraction-free.
  2. Practice diaphragmatic breathing (five seconds inhale, five seconds exhale).
  3. Pay attention to what’s happening within your body at that moment.
  4. Recognize what kind of sensations you’re feeling.
  5. Ask yourself what you need at that exact moment.

Humecky also encourages letting yourself get curious about sensations. Are there any images or colors you can associate with what’s happening on the inside? What adjectives could you use to describe your feelings?

“By welcoming the sensation in, we break the cycle of fear and confusion that surrounds it,” he continues.

Hall adds that self-management techniques for PCD may also look like drawing, taking a warm bath, having your partner bring you your favorite food, or just giving yourself space to clear your head.

How to talk about postcoital dysphoria with your partner

It’s only natural to shut down when you’re dealing with something as difficult and confusing as postcoital dysphoria, but it’s super important to know that you don’t have to go through it alone. Opening up to your partner about what you’re experiencing can actually be extremely helpful in beating the post-sex blues.

“Partnership will yield the most satisfactory and long-lasting results,” Humecky says, adding that while some people may worry their partner will take their PCD personally, honest communication is crucial. Opening up to your partner about what you’re going through is a chance to get closer, and to help you both better understand the (occasionally confusing!) connection between the mind and the body during sex.

Hall recommends explaining to your partner that it isn’t necessarily the sex itself that is causing anxiety, sadness, and depression. It’s possible to genuinely feel pleasured and physically satisfied during sex, yet notice a sudden influx of distressing emotions after sex, all of which may not have anything to do with your relationship or the quality of the sex you’re having.

When to seek professional help

Self-care, post-sex rituals, and self-management techniques can be helpful, but there are times when even those methods aren’t enough. If you find that PCD cannot be managed with deep breathing, meditation, and other self-care practices, or if it’s harming the overall quality of your relationship, then it could be time to seek help from a professional.

“It is important to see a therapist, mental health specialist, or counselor, as what is causing the postcoital dysphoria can be deep-rooted issues, from sexual trauma to general stress and anxiety,” says Hall. “When seeing a counselor, it should not necessarily be about the sex. It should be about the feelings that one is having after sex.”

As with any mental health journey, it’s important not to hold yourself to any specific timeline when navigating PCD, whether you’re doing it on your own or with the help of a professional. It may take a long time to get to the root of your feelings and figure out how to manage them, and that’s okay.

Feeling sad for no reason is obviously not a vibe, especially after sex. But working through postcoital dysphoria is an opportunity to learn more about yourself, and to better understand the (sometimes annoyingly!) complex relationship between your mind, body, and ~feels~. If you’re dealing with a case of the post-sex blues, know that you’re not alone, it is manageable, and you don’t have to let this random attack of bad vibes ruin your sex life. With a little self-care and/or professional help, you can get back to laying around in your regularly scheduled post-sex bliss, promise.

Complete Article HERE!

Is It Time to See a Sex Therapist?

Sex can be an important part of personal well-being. But sex therapists say the work they do remains misunderstood.

By Catherine Pearson

In the summer of 2017, six years into her marriage, Kayti Christian booked her first sex therapy appointment.

Ms. Christian and her husband grew up in evangelical families, steeped in the belief that any sexual desires outside of marriage were sinful. When they got married, they expected sex to be intuitive — even transcendent. Instead, Ms. Christian said she and her husband felt numb during intercourse and ashamed after.

They prayed. They asked their pastor for guidance, but it did not help. Finally Ms. Christian, now 32, started searching for local certified sex therapists.

They went to five sessions; sometimes together, sometimes alone. The couple’s therapist recommended simple exercises, like facing each other, holding eye contact and stating their sexual desires out loud.

“It might sound silly, but talking about sex while not having sex was something that felt revolutionary to us,” said Ms. Christian, who is working on a memoir about evangelical purity culture.

Sex is complicated for just about everyone — influenced by an ever-changing web of psychological, physical, cultural and social factors. And many individuals and couples can benefit from therapy to better understand their sexuality. Sex therapists say their field has long been misunderstood — seen as a last resort for people in doomed relationships, or a fringe practice that involves embarrassing hands-on exercises. For people like Ms. Christian and her husband, it can take years of suffering before they finally turn to a sex therapist for help.

There is emerging evidence that we may be in the midst of a collective rough patch, sexually speaking. Over the past two years, several studies suggest, people were having less sex and worse sex, particularly in the early days of the pandemic. A 2020 Kinsey Institute survey found that 24 percent of married people in the United States were having less frequent sex than before the pandemic, and 17 percent of women reported a decrease in sexual satisfaction.

Yet addressing sexual problems — whether they emerged during the pandemic or not — is challenging. Medicine has been slow to embrace sex as an important part of personal health, and many doctors do not receive formal sexual health training in medical school, despite known links between sex and wellness.

The New York Times spoke to several sex therapists about some common misconceptions around sex therapy and why it sometimes takes their patients so long to find care.

They made it clear that many issues can get in the way of good sex: past trauma, shame, body image, gender identity concerns, as well as broader relationship problems that can hinder someone’s ability to connect sexually.

“I always remind people that sex therapists have heard it all,” said Dr. Elisabeth Gordon, a New York City-based psychiatrist and sex therapist.

What is sex therapy and who is it for?

“It is really important to understand what sex therapy is and what sex therapy is not,” Dr. Gordon said. “Sex therapy is not requiring you to have sex in front of your therapist. Sex therapy is talk therapy.”

Certified sex therapists are licensed mental health professionals — usually psychiatrists, psychologists or clinical social workers — who do additional coursework in sexual health, sexuality and sexual pleasure. The most well-known certifying body is the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, or AASECT, which currently has just over 1,000 certified sex therapists across the United States.

Sex therapists work with adults of any sexual orientation, and see people in relationships (with or without their partner or partners) as well as single people. Ian Kerner, a sex therapist based in New York City, said more often than not, people seek out sex therapy because they have a specific problem they are looking to fix. He regularly treats patients with low or mismatched sexual desire, erectile unpredictability and early ejaculation, sexual anxiety, problems with orgasm and people looking to get out of a sexual rut — whatever that means to them.

In recent years, he has also seen an uptick in patients who don’t have a problem per se, but are simply looking for a greater sense of sexual adventure in their lives, or are looking for guidance as they explore the possibility of an open relationship; others are in new relationships and simply want to establish a happy, satisfying sex life early on.

Rachel Wright, a licensed marriage and family therapist and host of The Wright Conversations, a podcast about sex, relationships and mental health, offers this rule of thumb: If there is something about your sex life that you’d like to change, a sex therapist can probably help.

Keep in mind, however, that sex therapists cannot treat underlying health conditions that can contribute to sexual concerns, like erectile dysfunction caused by heart disease or diabetes.

“Sex is complex,” Dr. Kerner said. “Sometimes there may be a physiological element, like someone might be dealing with low desire due to the sexual side effects of a medication.”

What does sex therapy entail?

Therapists typically start by asking their patients about their background and past sexual experiences, as well as their goals. Dr. Kerner said they should also usually offer a rough time frame of their treatment plan in a first session.

“You don’t have to start therapy and meet every week for two years or the rest of your life,” echoed Ms. Wright. “You could go to a sex therapist, have a consultation, they recommend a book, you read it and you’re fine. Or they recommend a book, you read it and say, ‘Great, now I have five questions.’”

Homework assignments between sessions are common, and can include activities like massaging your partner while focusing on sensations like temperature, texture and pressure. Eventually, patients might work up to genital touch or experimentation with different techniques or fantasies — all taken at patients’ own pace, Dr. Gordon said.

For Ms. Christian and her husband, sex therapy homework was, as she put it, pretty “P.G.” Their therapist recommended they read books about the connection between desire and intimacy. They’d hold hands or massage each other, describing the basics of how it felt. Was the touch hot or cold? Did they like the pressure? Often, it just felt awkward.

“Sometimes it felt very tedious and uncomfortable. To sit in a bedroom touching each other’s hands for 20 minutes with soft music playing — we were like, is this over yet? What are we doing?” recalled Ms. Christian with a laugh. “But I think we realized that there wasn’t going to be a quick fix. We learned that we had to be patient.”

Sex therapy should offer validation.

While sex therapists tackle a vast range of issues, they say much of their work boils down to offering validation. And some, like Ms. Wright — who has written about coming to terms with being bisexual and polyamorous — are very open about their own sexual identities, which may be reassuring to patients who have felt misunderstood in the past.

“A lot of people I work with find me on their second or third try with therapy. They’ve maybe started with someone who doesn’t really have comfort or knowledge in talking about the specific sexualities that I deal with, and they’ve felt judged,” said Elizabeth Harles, a North Carolina-based sex therapist who often works with L.G.B.T.Q. clients, many of whom are looking to explore topics like kink and non-monogamy. She identifies as queer and polyamorous. And like Ms. Wright, she shares that experience openly.

“It’s tough to spill your guts to a stranger,” Ms. Harles said. “But talking about sex? Wow. It’s incredibly difficult to start that up with a stranger. If you then have a negative experience, that is really hard.”

“I can’t tell you how many patients I’ve had who come to me and tell me that their provider or practitioner told them, ‘Oh, just go relax. Have a glass of wine. Take a hot bath. It’ll all be OK,’” Dr. Gordon said. A 2012 survey of OB-GYNs found that only 28 percent routinely ask about sexual activity, while just 13 percent ask about pleasure during sexual activity.

In an effort to correct this, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has issued guidance for health care providers around what it calls the “5 Ps” of discussing sexual history with patients (their partners, sexual practices, how they protect themselves from sexually transmitted infections, past-history of S.T.I.s and their pregnancy intentions).

Some doctors say that is not enough.

“It feels like we are stuck in the 1980s,” said Dr. Susan Khalil, director of the division of sexual health in Obstetrics, Gynecology, and Reproductive Science at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai. She would like to see more research into medications that can address sexual desire and function, surgeries to address physical factors that can affect sexual pain or pleasure and greater collaboration between doctors, sex therapists and physical therapists. That is happening in pockets around the country, but not everywhere, Dr. Khalil said.

For many, sex therapy can be the first stop on the journey to healing, rather than a last resort.

By the time they sought out a sex therapist, Ms. Christian and her husband were not nervous or embarrassed. Simply hearing that they were not alone helped. Ms. Christian said her sex life does not meet the unrealistic expectations she had before she got married, but described it now as vulnerable — and great.

“The validation was huge for us,” Ms. Christian said. “Having a therapist sit there with us and say: ‘Your experience is normal. There is nothing wrong with you. You just need to communicate about this more and practice’ — that was such a relief.”

Complete Article HERE!

Faking Your Orgasms Is Messing With Your Relationship

— Here’s How

By Aliyah Moore, Ph.D.

“Did you orgasm?”

Many of us have been hit with that awkward question, and I’ll admit that I’ve found it easier to just say yes sometimes. Having an uncomfortable conversation about my sexual satisfaction isn’t how I want to end most nights.

Eventually, I found it easier to just pretend, and my partners stopped asking. These little white lies seemed harmless at first, but the lack of communication was hurting my sex life, and my less-than-ideal sex life was tanking my relationships.

And I know I’m not alone here: One 2019 study found well over half of women have faked an orgasm at least once before.

Why fake an orgasm?

It’s no secret that society hasn’t always valued female pleasure, but why do women feel the need to pretend instead of being honest about their sexual experience?

The aforementioned study found that 59% of women had faked orgasms, and 55% said they wanted to talk about sex with their partner but decided not to. Here are some common reasons why:

  • 42% said they didn’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings. 
  • 40% weren’t comfortable going into detail. 
  • 38% were embarrassed. 

I’ve also had clients and friends confess that failing to orgasm led to a conversation that felt like a chore. One client had started antidepressants – which can make it difficult to have an orgasm – and couldn’t consistently achieve orgasm for the first couple of months. This upset her boyfriend, who insisted on trying to solve the “problem,” even though she said she was enjoying her sex life. Eventually, she started faking orgasms so she wouldn’t have to talk about it. Her partner wanted to communicate, but he wasn’t listening to the fact that she was sexually satisfied without orgasms as she got used to her medication.

Our partners (men especially) sometimes stake their egos on our sexual satisfaction. We know this, so we often fake it to avoid making them feel like sexual failures. In other cases, our partners simply don’t care whether or not we orgasm or don’t consider it at all, and it’s easier to fake it since they won’t listen to our suggestions.

Perhaps the most frustrating reason is that our partners simply don’t understand our orgasms. It’s not any more difficult for a woman to orgasm than a man, but it usually takes more than vaginal intercourse.

No two women are the same either. Several of my female partners have had to help me help them cum, and vice versa. Sometimes it just feels easier to fake it than to try and explain your unique sexual sensations to another person.

Why you need to stop faking orgasms.

If you “fake it ‘til you make it” … you’ll never make it.

Faking orgasms is a slippery slope that never leads to a positive outcome. Even in one-night stands (unless you fear for your safety), it doesn’t help either of you to fake an orgasm.

Why?

1. You’re committing to lackluster sex.

By faking orgasms, you’re conditioning your partner to be sexually incompatible with you. If you act pleased with what they’re doing, why would they change?

2. You’re associating your partner with sexual dissatisfaction.

You may not think it’s important at the moment, but our experiences with people sink into our subconscious minds. As you associate your partner with dissatisfaction, you’ll steadily begin to feel more distant, and it will be even more difficult to enjoy sex. Even worse, it can disconnect your mind from your sensations, making it harder to orgasm in general.

3. It’s a form of lying.

It may seem harmless, but ask yourself: why don’t you trust your partner with this conversation? Why aren’t you comfortable with this conversation? Plus, your partner might already know you’re faking orgasms and be bottling up their own dissatisfaction.

4. It’ll be hard to change things down the road.

Like any lie, it’s hard to dig yourself out of. Once you decide to ask them to change their sexual behaviors, they’ll begin to wonder if they’ve been satisfying you up to that point.

5. It builds the expectation of an orgasm every time, which isn’t always realistic.

We need to normalize the fact that, regardless of gender, not all people will orgasm during sex every time. It could be anxiety, stress, physical ailment, medication, or any number of reasons that prevent an orgasm. On occasion, this is normal, and we shouldn’t be treating it like a sexual failure on either side.

6. It may signal a larger issue in the relationship.

As a sex therapist, I say this every chance I get. If you don’t feel safe expressing discomfort or displeasure during sex, then your relationship is not healthy, and you need to get out. Even if you believe it will lead to an argument, defensiveness, or verbal abuse – run. 

Sex isn’t “just sex.” It’s an intimate part of your relationship that carries as much weight as any other part. If your sex life isn’t healthy, then your relationship isn’t healthy. Before we get into fixing your sex life, it’s important to make sure that you have a partner who’s open to communication and cares about your satisfaction and well-being. 

For example, I had a client who never orgasmed with her partner because he refused to let her be on top. He simply didn’t like it, felt it was emasculating, and didn’t care whether or not she was satisfied. She faked orgasms to placate him, but it wouldn’t have mattered either way. The relationship was toxic, and having better sex wasn’t going to fix it.

As we start to talk about coming clean, the assumption is that your partner cares about you, treats you as an equal, and is willing to listen and communicate.

How to come clean.

If you’re deep in the faker game, it can feel near-impossible to stop. The best way to bring authenticity back to your sex life is to try a solution that’s proportionate to the problem. This means bringing back honest sex in the same measure that you let it go.

If you’ve only faked a few orgasms:

It’s best to just let the cat out of the bag. Try not to surprise your partner with this information during sex; rather, let them know you want to talk about it and set aside time.

It will likely be an uncomfortable conversation, but it clears the air and sets an honest tone for sex afterward. Explain what you do like about having sex with them, what you don’t like, and what you would like to add.

Ask them how they’re feeling about sex too. Are they enjoying it? Do they want to try different things?

If you’ve been faking it for a long time:

Try gradually changing the tone of your sex life. Let your partner know you want to communicate more. Don’t be afraid to stop during sex and switch positions, ask your partner to do something, or use toys.

What needs to change:

Maybe you’re unsure how to reach orgasm together and need to do a little research – which is also a great tactic if you feel like your partner is unsatisfied. Ultimately, you and your partner will feel better when you like what each other likes.

It’s also important to set expectations. Many of us don’t orgasm from internal stimulation, but our partners can’t know that unless we tell them. There are also times when one of you won’t be able to orgasm, but still want to have sex. It’s okay to tell your partner this.

However, if you’re rarely or never able to reach orgasm, that may be indicative of a larger problem, and you may need to talk with a doctor or experiment with other forms of stimulation.

The takeaway.

You have the right to be satisfied.

While it can sometimes feel easier to fake an orgasm, you’re not doing yourself or your partner any favors. You have just as much right to sexual satisfaction as your partner, and they deserve a fair shot at pleasing you.

We fake orgasms to keep other people happy because society tells us their happiness is more important than our sexuality, but it isn’t. Never cheat yourself of a healthy sex life just because someone else wants you to smile and look happy. 

It’s never too late to start talking about sex openly and honestly, and it’s never a bad thing to try.

Complete Article HERE!

The Clitoris Exists

– And Yes, We Need to Talk About It, Says This Expert

A lack of knowledge about the clitoris is harming half the world, experts say.

For all we now know about the human body, the clitoris is still something of a mystery. That lack of knowledge hurts roughly half the world, studies show.

By Candice Helfand-Rogers

It’s the sexual health question that remains relatively unanswered, to the point that our shared ignorance is widely joked about: What is the clitoris?

“It’s completely ignored by pretty much everyone,” Dr. Rachel Rubin, a urologist and sexual health specialist practicing in the D.C. area, recently told The New York Times. “There is no medical community that has taken ownership in the research, in the management, in the diagnosis of vulva-related conditions.”

We do know *some* things. It’s a body part with both internal and external components containing over 8,000 nerve endings – and as such, it plays a pivotal role in the enjoyment of sex for those who possess one.

But perhaps because its function revolves largely around women’s sexual pleasure – or because we, on a societal level, feel discomfort around discussing such topics – it’s not studied or taught about in any intentional way. In fact Rubin, upon trying to recall what she learned about it during her years of medical school and training, says “if it got any mention, it would be a side note at best.”

The results of this system-wide oversight are no laughing matter.

For starters, lack of knowledge of the clitoral region has resulted in injury – sometimes permanent, almost always preventable – during routine procedures ranging from pelvic meshes and episiotomies to even hip surgeries, the Times reported. A 2018 study (which Rubin co-authored) also found that sexual health problems often went undiagnosed due to a widespread failure on the part of practitioners to properly examine the area.

The resulting discomfort, pain or, in some cases, loss of sexual sensation, can be devastating for patients. Take Gillian – identified only by her first name in the Times – who told the paper about a botched vulvar biopsy that subsequently robbed her of her ability to achieve an orgasm. Her arousal during intimate moments “ended into nothing … and that’s still how it is” 4 years on.

Worse still, when seeking out assistance, guidance or simply answers from specialists, Gillian says doctors wrote the problem off as everything from temporary loss of sensation due to scarring from the procedure, to a symptom of perimenopause. “This changed my whole life,” she told the Times. “The devastation from this is something you can never repair. Ever.”

And perhaps it didn’t have to be that way – but because of the knowledge gap around the clitoris, it’s hard to know. That’s why Rubin and other experts are now calling, with renewed vigor, for a concerted group effort toward better understanding the organ. More studies, more mapping – and more consensus around the idea that pleasure for all people is worthy of medical priority.

“I truly believe we are just several decades behind on the female side,” she added to the Times. “But we have to do the work. And we have to have people interested in doing the work.”

Complete Article HERE!

Breast Cancer and Sex

— How Can Breast Cancer Affect Sexual Health

By Serenity Mirabito RN, OCN

Physical changes in your body due to breast cancer treatment paired with feelings of loss and fear can reduce libido (sex drive) and ultimately lead to depression.

It’s important to have open communication with your healthcare provider if you’re experiencing sexual problems after a breast cancer diagnosis.

This article will discuss how breast cancer affects sexual health and ways to prevent or treat sexual problems associated with breast cancer

Connection Between Sexual Problems and Breast Cancer

Although chemotherapy, hormone therapy, surgery, and radiation are needed to treat, cure, or prevent breast cancer, they can also cause sexual dysfunction. Due to hormone fluctuations, medication side effects, and poor body image, sexual health is greatly affected by breast cancer. Intercourse is not usually dangerous; however, sex can be painful for women, and men may experience erectile dysfunction.

Does Breast Cancer Treatment Cause Sexual Problems

The following are ways breast cancer treatment can cause sexual dysfunction in men and women:12

  • Chemotherapy: Certain chemotherapy agents (anthracyclines and taxanes) have toxicities that reduce sexual arousal and desire. These medications cause fatigue, nausea, and diarrhea, all of which can lead to decreased interest in sex and intimacy.
  • Hormone therapy: Hormone receptor-positive breast cancers are often treated with aromatase inhibitors and selective estrogen receptor modulators, which cause hot flashes, vaginal dryness, insomnia, and painful intercourse in women. Men on hormone therapy for breast cancer can experience low libido and erectile dysfunction.
  • Surgery: Breast surgeries (mastectomy, which is removal of the breast, and lumpectomy, which is removal of the cancerous tumor) and sentinel lymph node dissection (lymph node removal) result in emotional and physical distress. Pain, numbness, and swelling of the surgical site can cause discomfort, while the scars from surgery can lead to poor body image.
  • Radiation: Radiation therapy can result in persistent pain, lymphedema (swelling), reduced flexibility, and pain in the affected breast, arm, and axilla (armpit). Studies show these side effects correspond with poor quality of life, including sexuality.

How Are Sexual Problems With Breast Cancer Treatment Alleviated?

Following your treatment regimen is essential to surviving and thriving with breast cancer. These tips may help prevent or alleviate sexual problems from breast cancer treatment in men and women:3

  • Be open and honestly communicate your feelings with your partner.
  • Try sex in different positions until you find one that’s comfortable.
  • Intimacy isn’t just about sex. Kissing, snuggling, and touching can also provide intimacy.
  • Use lubrication to help make sex more comfortable.
  • Some antidepressants are used to improve sexual desire.
  • Sexual rehabilitation/therapy can help assess and treat sexual dysfunction in people with breast cancer.

Studies show that healthcare providers don’t always provide sex education to patients with newly diagnosed cancer. Be sure to discuss this topic with your oncology team before treatment starts so you know what to expect.4<

Symptoms and Gender Differences

While breast cancer is the most common cancer in women (after skin cancers), male breast cancer is rare. However, both genders experience symptoms of sexual dysfunction with breast cancer.

Men

Because male breast cancer makes up less than 1% of the total breast cancer cases yearly, information about breast cancer in men is significantly lacking. One study found education about sexuality was the most frequent unmet information need reported by male breast cancer survivors.5

Common sexual problems men with breast cancer may experience include:

  • Loss of libido
  • Erectile dysfunction
  • Poor body image
  • Feeling emasculated
  • Infertility

You will likely need to ask your healthcare provider how your treatment will affect your sexuality, as little information is shared with men on this topic.

Women

Symptoms of sexual problems in women with breast cancer include:

Although there is a great deal of information about how breast cancer affects the sexual health of women, you will likely need to ask for education on this topic as well.

How Are Sexual Problems With Breast Cancer Treated?

The first step in treating sexual problems with breast cancer is to speak to your healthcare provider. Whether male or female, sharing your new or worsening sexual side effects with your oncology team is vital. Additionally, being referred to a sex therapist or for sexual rehabilitation can help assess and diagnose the dysfunction and formulate a treatment plan that fits your individual needs.

It may also help to do the following:

  • Premenopausal women with breast cancer may improve libido by using Addyi (flibanserin), a prescription medication that increases sexual desire.
  • All women with breast cancer should use lubrication to prevent painful intercourse. Ask your healthcare provider about topical lidocaine if lubrication doesn’t improve comfort during sex.6
  • Men with breast cancer experiencing sexual problems may find relief from oral medications that help get and keep an erection. Other medical options include penile injections, urethral pellets, vacuum erection devices, and penile implants.6

For both men and women, the following may help improve sexual problems associated with breast cancer:

Check with your healthcare provider before implementing any new treatments for sexual dysfunction.

Summary

Whether you’re male or female, you will likely experience sexual problems if you have breast cancer. The consequences of cancer treatments such as chemotherapy, hormone therapy, surgery, and radiation can cause sexual dysfunction leading to depression. Speaking to your healthcare provider about how breast cancer will affect sexuality is important as there are ways to prevent or alleviate these side effects.

A Word From Verywell

Changes in appearance from breast cancer surgery can greatly influence body image and self-esteem in both men and women. Weight gain or loss, hair loss, breast removal, and scars can make you feel self-conscious. It’s important that you don’t feel rushed into sex until you’re ready. Enjoying other ways to feel close to your partner is equally as satisfying. Be sure to seek help from your healthcare provider if new or worsening sexual problems occur.

Verywell Health uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

  1. American Cancer Society. Treating breast cancer in men.
  2. Boswell EN, Dizon DS. Breast cancer and sexual functionTransl Androl Urol. 2015;4(2):160-168. doi:10.3978/j.issn.2223-4683.2014.12.04
  3. Breast Cancer Now. Sex and breast cancer treatment.
  4. American Cancer Society. Cancer, sex, and the female body.
  5. Bootsma TI, Duijveman P, Pijpe A, Scheelings PC, Witkamp AJ, Bleiker EMA. Unmet information needs of men with breast cancer and health professionalsPsychooncology. 2020;29(5):851-860. doi:10.1002/pon.5356
  6. Carter J, Lacchetti C, Andersen BL, et al. Interventions to address sexual problems in people with cancer: american society of clinical oncology clinical practice guideline adaptation of cancer care ontario guideline. JCO. 2018;36(5):492-511. doi:10.1200/JCO.2017.75.8995

Complete Article HERE!

Low Sex Drive (Loss of Libido)

By Heather Jones

Libido (also called sex drive) means the overall interest a person has in sexual activity. It is separate from sexual arousal, which is the body’s response to sexual stimuli. A low libido does not always indicate a problem, but it may be related to a medical condition or can cause a person distress, particularly if there has been a drop in libido.

Statistics vary, but up to 20% of men experience low libido sometime in their life. Up to 43% of women experience sexual dysfunction—a problem that occurs during any part of sexual activity, from arousal to orgasm—at some point, including low libido. About 1 in 3 women report having a low sex drive.123

Low libido itself is not considered a condition. If certain criteria are met, however, a woman with low libido may be identified as having female sexual interest/arousal disorder (FSIAD).4

Some references, particularly those published before 2013, refer to low libido as hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). Since then the definitions for low libido and HSDD conditions have changed. In 2013, the official handbook that classifies mental health disorders, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), combined the two diagnoses and now refers to it as sexual interest/arousal disorder.45

Read on to learn about low libido, when it’s considered a problem, and what can be done about it.

Symptoms of Low Libido

A person with low libido may experience:6

  • Little or no interest in any type of sex, including masturbation
  • Rare, if any, thoughts about sex or sexual fantasies

FSIAD is marked by a lack (or serious reduction) of sexual interest or arousal in women. To meet the criteria for FSIAD, a person must show an absence or reduction in at least three of the following, for at least six months:5

  • Interest in sexual activity
  • Initiation of sexual activity and being unreceptive to a partner’s attempts to initiate
  • Sexual or erotic thoughts and fantasies
  • Sexual interest/arousal in response to sexual or erotic cues
  • Sexual excitement or pleasure during sexual activity
  • Genital or nongenital sensations during sexual activity

The symptoms the person experiences also must cause them clinically significant distress and not be better explained by factors such as a nonsexual mental health disorder, severe relationship distress, or another significant stressor.
<h3″>What Is the Sexual Response Cycle?

A person’s sexual response cycle has four phases:7

  • Sexual desire: A person’s interest in sexual activity
  • Sexual arousal: Excitement/physical response
  • Orgasm (climax): Peak of sexual excitement (when pleasure is highest), and ejaculation occurs
  • Resolution: The body recovers and returns to its usual state

Causes of Low Libido

A number of factors can cause low libido, including that it may be a person’s natural preference. Libido commonly lowers with age for all genders.3

>Most research on low libido focuses on cisgender men or cisgender women. More research is needed to examine low libido in people who do not fall within this narrow gender binary.

Causes of low libido may include:8916235

  • Hormonal changes: Such as reduced sex hormones with aging, with hormonal contraception use, or with antihormone therapy
  • Medical conditions: Such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, fibroids, underactive thyroid, endometriosis, premenstrual syndrome (PMS)
  • Medications: Including many antidepressants and antipsychotics
  • Psychological distress: Stress, anxiety, exhaustion, problems with body image, etc.
  • Depression: Can cause a loss of interest in things once enjoyed, including sex
  • Relationship problems: Overfamiliarity with partner in long-term relationships, conflict, partner’s lack of interest/functioning in sex, etc.
  • Dissatisfaction or discomfort during sexual activity: Such as erectile dysfunction, problems with ejaculation, vaginismus (involuntary tightening of the muscles around the vagina before penetration), difficulty with orgasm, vaginal dryness, or pain
  • Substance misuse: Excess amounts of alcohol can affect libido, as can drug misuse and/or smoking
  • Life stage or event: Such as menopause, pregnancy, postpartum, breastfeeding, loss of a loved one, retirement, job loss, divorce, illness, etc.
  • Trauma: Such as a history of unwanted sexual contact or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

A 2017 study also identified high levels of chronic, intense, and greater durations of endurance training on a regular basis, as a possible contributor to decreased libido in men.10

What Medications Can Cause Low Libido?

Medications that may cause low libido include:31112

  • Serotonin-enhancing medications, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)
  • Antipsychotics, such as Haldol Decanoate (haloperidol)
  • Blood pressure medications, including diuretics and beta-blockers
  • Medications used to treat seizures
  • Medications that block the effects or reduce the production of testosterone, such as Tagamet HB (cimetidine), Propecia (finasteride), and Androcur (cyproterone)

Is Low Libido Always a Problem?

Having a low (or no) libido in and of itself can be perfectly normal for a person. Comparing your libido to someone else’s, including your partner’s, is not an accurate way to determine if your libido is “too low.”12

There is no set amount of sex that’s considered “normal.” A person may be content thinking about or having sex once a year, while another person may be unhappy with sexual activity once a week.136

Unless your low libido is a symptom of a health condition that needs to be addressed (such as diabetes, depression, etc.), the level of your libido is only a problem if it is bothering you.2

How to Treat Low Libido

If a person wants to treat their low sex drive, there are a number of approaches that can be tried.

Hormones

Supplementation of testosterone in those with low testosterone levels may help with low libido, but should only be attempted under the guidance of a healthcare provider who is knowledgeable about this treatment.11

Those who have been through menopause (either naturally or surgically) with low libido may benefit from transdermal testosterone therapy (with or without accompanying estrogen therapy). However, data on the benefit of testosterone therapy are limited and inconsistent, and there is a lack of long-term data on safety and effectiveness.

Hormone treatment comes with risks as well as benefits. Talk to your healthcare provider about whether taking hormones is appropriate for you.1

Medication

If low libido is a side effect of medication, talk to your healthcare provider about changing the dose or type of medication you are on. In some cases, another medication, such as the atypical antidepressant Wellbutrin (bupropion), may be added to help address the sexual dysfunction.12

Flibanserin

In 2015, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the medication Addyi (flibanserin) for use in the treatment of FSIAD of any severity in people who are premenopausal.5

Reported side effects include:

  • Headache
  • Dizziness
  • Fatigue
  • Drowsiness
  • Nausea

Flibanserin carries a boxed warning (the strongest FDA warning) for hypotension (low blood pressure) and syncope (fainting) in certain settings, particularly with the use of alcohol and/or moderate or strong CYP3A4 (an important drug-metabolizing enzyme) inhibitors, and for people with liver impairment.

Alcohol should be avoided during the entire course of treatment with flibanserin.

Flibanserin is taken daily as an oral pill.2</span

Long-term studies on flibanserin are needed. The benefits of flibanserin in improving sex drive are minimal compared to placebo, and in many cases are outweighed by the risks of using it.

Before taking flibanserin, it’s important to discuss these benefits vs. risks with a healthcare provider who is knowledgeable about this medication.

Bremelanotide

Vyleesi (bremelanotide) was approved in 2019 for treatment of HSDD in people who are premenopausal.14

Bremelanotide is taken as needed, about 45 minutes before sexual activity, as an injection in the thigh or abdomen.2

Evidence on efficacy is limited, and shows minimal effect on the number of satisfying sexual events compared to placebo.

The most common side effects of bremelanotide are:14

  • Nausea (about 40% of people who took bremelanotide in clinical trials experienced nausea and 13% needed medication to treat the nausea)
  • Vomiting
  • Flushing
  • Injection site reactions
  • Headache

People with uncontrolled high blood pressure, with known cardiovascular disease, and those at high risk for cardiovascular disease should not take bremelanotide.

Address Underlying Medical Conditions

If your low libido is caused by a health condition, managing that condition may improve your libido.111

Therapy

Therapy such as cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) with a therapist or counselor who specializes in sexual and relationship issues may help with sexual dysfunction.121

Therapy can help you address psychological issues that may be affecting your sex drive, including:13

Lifestyle Changes

General healthy lifestyle practices, such as eating nutritious foods, being physically active, and getting enough quality sleep, may help improve your libido.6

Mindfulness exercises, relaxation techniques, and other ways to reduce and manage stress may also be beneficial.1

For some people, engaging in sexual stimulation and triggering the arousal response can help the person “get into it,” even if they weren’t desiring sex before. While this may be helpful for some people, no one should feel pressured to engage in sexual activity if they don’t want to.12

Relationship Strategies

Open and honest communication with your partner about your sexual desires can help both of you feel sexually fulfilled.11

You may also benefit from psychosexual counseling, which can help you and your partner work through sexual, emotional, and relationship issues that may be affecting your libido.3

Remember that sex is more than intercourse. There are activities you can do together that can “spice things up” or let you engage in intimacy without having sex. Some things to try include:136

  • Exploring each other’s bodies through caressing, kissing, etc.
  • Giving and receiving massages
  • Bathing or showering together
  • Experimenting with different sexual techniques
  • Using aids such as toys or massage oils
  • Planning romantic activities or taking a weekend away

You may also find that self-exploration helps you find what works for you.

Are There Tests to Diagnose the Cause of Low Libido?

To look for a cause of low libido, your healthcare provider may:11

  • Ask about history of low libido (when it started, severity, situational and/or medical factors around the time it started, previous treatments, and if there other sexual problems present, etc.)
  • Get a general medical history, including medications and mental health
  • Perform a physical examination
  • Discuss your partner(s)
  • Run laboratory tests, such as a blood test to check hormone levels
  • Refer you to a specialist if needed (such as a mental health professional if FSIAD is suspected)

When to See a Healthcare Provider

loss of libido, especially if prolonged or recurring, may be an indication of an underlying problem. It may be a good idea to see if there are potential medical or psychological reasons that should be explored.3

Even without a medical reason, if your low libido bothers you, talk to your healthcare provider.

Summary

A low libido means little or no desire to engage in sexual activities. It may be linked to a medical condition, medication, relationship issues, hormones, and other factors. It may also be normal for that person.

Unless there is an underlying medical condition, low libido is only a problem if it causes the person distress.

Treating unwanted low libido depends on the cause, but may include medication, therapy, lifestyle changes, hormone therapy, and/or relationship building.

A Word From Verywell

If you have a low sex drive that is not caused by a medical condition and isn’t bothering you, then it is not a problem. If you are bothered by your low libido or are concerned about what may be causing it, talk to your healthcare provider. A medical professional can help you figure out what is going on and how best to approach it.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • Is low libido the same as low arousal?While related, libido and arousal are different. Libido refers to a person’s overall interest in sexual activities. Sexual arousal is how the body responds to sexual stimuli (“turned on”).
  • Is low libido normal?For some people, having a low libido is normal. A low libido is only a cause for concern if it is caused by a medical condition or if the person does not want to have a low libido.
  • Does low libido vary by gender?
    Women are more likely than men to experience low libido. The causes of low libido can also depend on gender.

Most studies on low libido include cisgender people only. More research is needed to understand how libido affects people across the gender spectrum.

Complete Article HERE!

Our culture isn’t sex positive just because kink is trending

Even “vanilla” people feel sex shamed.

By Tracey Anne Duncan

As a person who writes about sex and pleasure, I meet a lot of pleasure activists — people working to reclaim pleasure and sexuality as radical domains. Many are kinksters, queers, or both; all on a mission to return some dignity back to folks who have been marginalized. Recently, though, I came across a pleasure activist who’s advocating for the validity of “vanilla” sex. Frankly, I was a bit taken aback. Do people who like simple sex really need activism? Isn’t “normal” sex just, well, normal?

Sure, in the past decade, kinky sex has become much more socially acceptable. I’m not saying you should try to bond with granny about your favorite shibari harnesses, but you can probably post about them on social media without much to-do. But while the #trending of kink seems like some form of progress in our generally prudish society, if folks who love “vanilla” sex feel shamed by their preferences, our culture is still far from being a sex-positive Eden of earthly delights.

“As soon as you say something like, ‘Umm, you know, I love vanilla sex,’ you might as well grow a Victorian-style bonnet on your head,” Alice Queen, a sex writer in Detroit who runs a sex toy blog dubbed “Vanilla is the New Kink,” tells me. “I’m under the impression that society as a whole will never stop trying to whip us (back) into shape, one way or another, by framing any and [all] of our sexual behaviors into social mores.” Basically, Queen believes vanilla sex oftentimes gets the same negative treatment from others as sex that’s widely considered “deviant.”

“As soon as you say something like ‘Umm, you know, I love vanilla sex,’ you might as well grow a Victorian-style bonnet on your head.” – Alice Queen

But does Alice think there needs to be an actual, formal movement to advocate for those who like to keep sex simpler? “On the one hand, I’d love for people to be able to freely admit their vanilla preferences without being scoffed at,” she says. “On the other hand, I’m more than aware of potential pitfalls: Before long, someone would try to hijack my genuine vanilla [sex] pride and use it as a wrapper for exclusion because it’s just so easy to do from a traditional point of view.”

In other words, no, even vanilla sex “activists” view something like an earnest “vanilla sex pride” movement as something that would harm already marginalized communities who actually need or benefit from Pride movements.

The experts I spoke with agree that there’s a big difference between taking pride in your sexuality and trying to make a social justice movement out of it. “Benefiting from, or even being an activist in, a social justice movement or a project to make the word ‘sex’ non-judgmentally inclusive of more sexual options (especially your own) doesn’t necessarily open you up to true comfort with and belief in sexual diversity,” Carol Queen (no relation to Alice), co-founder of the Center for Sex and Culture in San Francisco, tells me.

“My starting point is that the only thing that should be excluded is exclusion itself — as well as, of course, any practice that lacks consent or can never have it by definition.” – Alice Queen

The truth is that while Alice may be a self-described vanilla sex “activist,” she’s not vying for the primacy of any one kind of sex. Yes, the name of her blog could be read as creating a divide between vanilla and kink, but it’s really just catchy phrasing meant to wink at sex negativity. “I wouldn’t want to end up unwittingly promoting exclusion,” Alice says. “On the contrary, my starting point is that the only thing that should be excluded is exclusion itself — as well as, of course, any practice that lacks consent or can never have it by definition.”

The point Alice is trying to make is that, while the preponderance of BDSM-themed merch may make it seem like America has gotten really freaky, our culture is actually still so sex negative that even people who prefer “normal” sex feel like they can’t state their desires without being judged. The fashionability of the aesthetics of kink in many ways masks the reality that the U.S. is still a sex-negative culture, as evidenced by, among other things, our egregious sex education policies.

In fact, the whole idea of kink versus vanilla is essentially just a tool used to create divisions between anyone who might attempt to reclaim pleasure. After all, there’s not even an agreed-upon definition of vanilla sex. We invent these categories in order to express our desires, which should be fun, but our overly prudish culture has turned even the most normative desires against us.

“We should not be put in a position of feeling shame about our sexuality unless we are hurting someone else via our actions.” – Carol Queen

Alice describes vanilla sex as simple and mindful, which honestly, is a great way to approach any kind of sex, kinky or otherwise. “We do not have to have sex a certain way — except, y’know, consensually — no matter what right-wing politicians and preachers [or] hipper-than-thou ‘sex-positive’ folks might say,” Carol says. Basically, in a genuinely sex-positive culture, all sex — vanilla, kink, clown, whatever — would be welcome.

In working toward such a culture, it’s crucial that we don’t get the idea of sex positivity twisted. “Since humans tend to one-up each other, that ‘Yippee, sex!’ POV has morphed into ‘Sex-positive means I like all the sex — [and] if you don’t, you are not sex-positive,” she says. “This is not what sex-positive means.”

The truth is, as Carol notes, that what’s considered sexually “normal” or “fashionable” is always in flux, and it doesn’t always correspond to how we actually think about — or do — sex. As Carol says, “We should not be put in a position of feeling shame about our sexuality unless we are hurting someone else via our actions.”

Complete Article HERE!