— Allow us to show you the ropes (pun intended).
By Gigi Engle
Get out the whips, chains, and leather corsets, because we are getting down and dirty with BDSM today. For kink newbies, BDSM might seem intimidating, which makes complete sense—it’s a practice that can include a lot of high intensity activities. But don’t worry, it really is an accessible kink that can be practiced safely, provided you and your partners know your stuff. Which, hi, is where we come in.
There’s obviously a lot of stuff on the internet about kink, but a no-frills guide for beginners is hard to come by. If you’ve been wanting to get into BDSM but don’t know where to start, you’ve come to the right place.
According to a 2017 study published in the research journal PLOS ONE, a lot of people are into kinky sex. The study found that of the participants surveyed, about 20 percent said they have tied up a partner or been tied up during sex. About 15 percent said they have playfully whipped a partner or been playfully whipped as a part of sex play, and 33 percent reported they have spanked a partner or have been spanked during sex. So yeah, people are into this stuff big time.
“People like BDSM because it’s psychologically and physically thrilling, pleasurable, and fulfills needs, just like any typical sexual act would,” says Julieta Chiaramonte, a kink instructor and sex expert. “Why would you like [to have] orgasms? Well, because they feel good! Same goes for BDSM.”
But for all the hype, it’s important to be aware that BDSM needs to be practiced with extreme caution—especially for beginners. This kink comes with risks, and understanding them (and how to mitigate them) is fundamental to engaging in play that is safe, fun, and consensual.
So, without further ado, here is everything you need to know about BDSM as a beginner. We’ve all gotta start somewhere, so congrats on starting here.
What Is BDSM?
BDSM is a specific kind of play that falls under the broader umbrella term of kink. Kink can involve a much larger range of activities, whereas BDSM focuses specifically on dynamics within Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/submission, and Sadism/Masochism—which, you guessed it, is what BDSM stands for.
“BDSM encompasses a wide variety of practices involving intentional play with power dynamics and intense sensations,” says Celina Criss, PhD, a certified sex coach specializing in BDSM and GSRD (Gender, Sexual and Relationship Diversity). “It is often understood to include role play, fetish, and other practices that aren’t considered ‘typical.’”
BDSM can be physical, emotional, and psychological. Play can include sex, but it doesn’t have to include sex.
What Does BDSM Play Look Like?
BDSM relationships involve a Dominant partner(s) and submissive partner(s). This is known as a D/s relationship. The sub willingly and consensually gives up power to the Dom during the play (often referred to as a “scene”). Scenes are co-created between the Dom and sub, and can include a wide variety of different acts.
BDSM play can look like:
- Spanking/Impact play: Using implements and hands to spank/whip/flog your partner.
- Bondage: The use of ropes, cuffs, and other restraints.
- Discipline: Where the Dom disciplines the sub.
- Humiliation: Using certain words or behaviors to consensually degrade the sub.
- Worship: Where the sub engages in worship of their Dom.
- Sensory play: Engaging or restricting the senses to intensify arousal.
- Various role play dynamics (Caregiver/little, Pet Owner/pet, Master/slave, etc.)
…And much, much more. BDSM play can really include anything within the realm of consensual power exchange, and that’s what makes it so thrilling.
Why Are People Into BDSM?
At its core, BDSM is all about the giving and receiving of control. When we engage in high-intensity activities like pain-play and bondage, our brains release chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline, and cortisol. The rush can be euphoric, explains sexologist Ness Cooper, a sex and relationships therapist.
Adrenaline is the hormone released when our bodies experience a “fight or flight” response. This happens when our brains and bodies perceive that we are in danger. “Pain and pleasure are closely related and processed in the same parts of the brain, meaning that those [who are] into receiving consensual pain can feel pleasure from these BDSM acts,” Cooper says. (Studies confirm this, BTW.)
That said, BDSM is about more than just spankings, chains, and pleasure by way of pain. A large part of its appeal can actually be, dare we say, downright wholesome?
“BDSM is about playfulness, expression, and exploration,” Criss says. It’s an “opportunity to explore your desires and embrace parts of yourself that might not have another socially accepted outlet.” BDSM play offers a place for us to explore our most taboo desires. It’s a safe space to enjoy our sexuality and release shame, which can be liberating on multiple levels.
Emotionally, engaging in these activities can also foster intimacy between partners, as there’s a huge amount of vulnerability and trust involved in the consensual exchange of control.
Breaking Down the Misconceptions About BDSM
It’s no secret that we live in a pretty sex-negative culture. We constantly receive messages that sex is dirty and bad. And when it comes to sex that falls outside of the socially prescribed, exhaustingly heteronormative framework—well, let’s just say there’s an actual eff-load of misinformation to weed through.
Let’s unpack some of the misunderstandings that people have about BDSM, because being armed with (actually useful!) information can make play much more accessible, pleasurable, and less intimidating.
Only traumatized people are into BDSM
Allow us to be very clear: There is nothing wrong with you if you want to try BDSM. According to a 2008 study, those who engage in this kind of play are no more “depraved” or psychologically “damaged” than anyone else. “The notion that only traumatized people like BDSM is harmful,” Chiaramonte says. “BDSM is a very normal human behavior.” Kink is fun, lots of people enjoy it. It’s simply not that deep.
BDSM is domestic abuse/intimate partner violence
God, this one gets thrown around so much it is truly unreal. BDSM is all about consent, boundaries, and positive intent—sooo, pretty much the exact opposite of abuse.
“Partners negotiate their boundaries and agree to what they are going to do before they do it,” Criss explains. While accidents may happen (because, hello, we’re all humans capable of making mistakes), there is no intent to cause harm or injury to a partner in BDSM.
“Responsible partners have safety protocols in place to prevent this from happening before, during, [and] after any scene,” says Criss. “This means they know what they’re doing and [are aware of] the risks involved. They’ve practiced, learned about anatomy and physiology, keep their first-aid skills up to date, use safe words, and know what sort of aftercare their partner needs.”
You must like pain to enjoy BDSM
“Almost all BDSM can be modified to be done without experiencing any pain at all,” says Chiaramonte. BDSM is about power play dynamics. While pain can be a part of it, it really doesn’t have to be. For example, you might enjoy being blindfolded and having a feather run all over your body by your Dom. It’s not painful, but it’s still BDSM.
What’s more, Criss says that pain isn’t a useful metric in BDSM, and that most practitioners don’t even measure sensation this way. Rather, intensity is a more accurate way of thinking about the BDSM experience. That intense sensation “could be thuddy, stingy, or even feather-light,” says Criss.
BDSM is a fetish
BDSM refers to a variety of sex acts and practices that fall under the broader kink umbrella. A fetish is a specific act or object that a fetishist must engage with during sex in order to be aroused or reach peak arousal state. You might have a fetish for a specific act that falls under the category of BDSM (such as spanking or bondage), but BDSM is a wider range of behaviors, not a fetish in and of itself.
How to Have a Conversation With Your Partner About Wanting to Try BDSM
These conversations can be emotionally fraught and intimidating, but have no fear! Introducing the idea of kink to a partner does not have to be scary. Obviously, how you initiate this convo will depend on your relationship and how comfortable you and your partner(s) are with talking about sex, but here are some general guidelines that should help things go smoothly.
First of all, you’re going to want to have this conversation in a neutral, non-sexual place. This isn’t something you should spring on someone in the middle of sex, or even during foreplay, as your partner may feel pressured. Rather, opt for a time when you’re both relaxed, maybe while lounging at home watching TV or enjoying a nice dinner together.
Chiaramonte says to approach BDSM as a point of interest, something you can unpack together, conversationally. “Something along the lines of ‘I saw/heard of this, and it sounds interesting. I would love to try it. Can we talk about it?’” she suggests.
Encourage your partner to bring their fantasies to the table, too. “An essential part of BDSM is being able to have neutral and honest conversations around our desires,” says Chiaramonte.
Also! It’s okay to acknowledge that these conversations can be a little awkward—and doing so might actually help relieve some of that uncomfy-ness.
How to Start Practicing BDSM as a Beginner
So you’ve had the talk, and now it’s time to get into the good stuff. Here are some ways to start actually dipping those toes into the wide world of BDSM.
Do your research
If a certain BDSM act has piqued your interest, learn all you can about it. Being able to engage with play safely means expanding your knowledge of all it entails. “Curious about shibari and suspension bondage? Take a class! If you’re interested in Florentine flogging, find someone who does this and ask them to show you how,” Criss says. “Learn about the body. Anatomy, physiology, and first aid are essential to make sure you don’t hurt your partner.”
Communicate, communicate, communicate
BDSM can be quite complex and risky, which means every scene needs to be thoroughly negotiated and talked through with partners. “You need to know your own boundaries and respect your partner’s boundaries,” Criss says. This means that we need to be aware of everyone’s limits and work within their confines for the duration of play.
Go shopping for some goodies
Shopping for sex toys together can help you and your partner(s) explore and discuss certain acts or scenes you might be interested in trying out in a fun, lower-pressure environment, says Cooper. It’s a chance to co-create an erotic adventure with your partner, one that can make a potentially intimidating experience feel more playful.
Live by the RACK
In the BDSM world, RACK, which stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink, is king. “In short, this structure explains that safe kink can only be practiced with consent, education, and understanding [of] the risks,” says Chiaramonte. The idea of RACK is not to eliminate all risks (that’s not possible, FYI), but to ensure all parties involved in a particular sex act are aware of the risks and give their informed consent to engage.
Choose a safe word
Safe words are non-sexual words that indicate a boundary has been reached during play. If you’re new to BDSM, you might not know a boundary until you come into contact with it, so it’s important to make communicating those boundaries as easy as possible. “An easy-to-use word can let your play partner know that you’ve reached your limit and need a break from that particular form of erotic play,” says Cooper.
A traffic light system (“red” = stop; “yellow” = proceed with caution; “green” = go), is a common and convenient safe-word option. Some other examples that you can consider yours for the taking right this way.
Start slow
“A lot of people start with blindfolds, light bondage, or a little bit of spanking,” says Criss.< Don’t dive right into the deep end with more extreme practices like breath play, rope play, or other forms of edge play. Many of these more advanced acts require a significant degree of skill and training to practice safely.
Find your people
You can learn a lot about kink by, well, connecting with other kinky people. You might be able to find local kink communities and educators near you to mingle with at events like a “Munch,” aka a casual gathering of kinksters to talk and get to know one another. “BDSM practitioners tend to be into education and community. If there is a group near you, they’re probably hosting play parties, workshops, and mentoring newcomers,” says Criss.
Practice aftercare
BDSM can involve a lot of intense emotions, which means there can be a bit of a “crash” after play. Aftercare is the set of actions we engage in post-play to help everyone return to a state of equilibrium. It can “help ground you after a heady mix of feel-good hormones,” says Cooper
This can include kisses, cuddles, talking about the scene, having a shower together, or tending to bruises or scrapes. You and your partner should discuss the kind of aftercare both of you feel you need and be willing to accommodate those needs accordingly.
If this all seems like kind of a lot, that’s because it is! There is so much to know about BDSM, and getting informed is a crucial first step for anyone interested in exploring the kinkier side of the street. That said, it’s supposed to be fun, and learning and exploring all there is to learn and explore about BDSM is all part of that fun. Wherever you are in your BDSM journey, trust that there is a lot of fun to be had in your future. Go forth and get kinky, my friends.
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