By Aliyah Moore
If you’ve ever heard someone say their sex life is subpar, chances are a lack of foreplay is on their list of complaints. This gripe is so common that most of us treat it as fact — consistently skipping foreplay leads to consistently disappointing sex.
What we rarely talk about, however, is what comes after sex, and it’s arguably even more critical than foreplay. The way we behave post-intercourse affects our sexual health, how we feel, how we value ourselves, and how we view sex.
What is Sexual Aftercare?
Just as foreplay deals with the way we treat each other before sex, aftercare is about how we treat each other when sex is over. It encompasses a wide range of activities that involve your body and mind.
Hygiene and Self-Care
You’ve heard it before, and you’ll hear it again: pee after sex! This is the easiest and most common example of postcoital hygienic self-care. Peeing after sex can help prevent infections or irritation in your genitals.
Do you or your partner take any medications? Setting the alarm or reminding each other to take them after sex, if needed, is aftercare. Anything that promotes your overall health and comfort is usually a good idea, such as a glass of water or a hot shower.
A hot cup of tea or a greasy order of takeout can help your bodied replenish nutrients. If you’re the kind of person who’s very active during sex, you may want to soothe your muscles by stretching, trading massages with your partner, or simply cuddling together for a while.
You might be noticing a theme here; aftercare is about you and your partner taking care of each other. It doesn’t matter if it’s casual sex, a new relationship, or your spouse of many years; your experience will always be more positive when you express intimacy and care, even if you don’t plan on staying together.
Intimacy and Emotional Well-Being
The human mind is an enigma, so it’s never easy to tell what your partner – or even yourself – needs after sex. Some of us naturally want distance, while others want to be closer. Some need the validation of physical touch and conversation, while others feel overwhelmed by intimacy and just need to spend ten minutes alone on their phone.
As long as it doesn’t hurt your partner, there’s no wrong answer; that’s why communication is so important. If you’ve been with your partner a while, they might already know what you need after sex and be ready to provide. If they’re a newer partner, you may need to learn what they need while expressing what you need.
So tell them and ask them what. It’s okay to say that you want to cuddle or that you need space. It’s okay to balance your needs with theirs. At some point, most of us will experience Post-Coital Dysphoria (PCD), which hits us with a tide of sadness, irritability, or even tears after sex. If this happens, it’s okay! Let your partner know what’s going on and that it’s not their fault. If they’re experiencing PCD, let them know it’s okay and ask what they need.
Most of all, though, be cognizant and considerate of both your emotions. Treat each other as attentively and kindly as you did before sex.
Why Aftercare Matters
Whether we like it or not, sex is an experience that triggers some kind of emotion and connection in most of us. Even the partners who run for the door when it’s over aren’t necessarily feeling nothing; rather, they’re cautious about what they might feel.
That’s okay, and to each their own, but sex is inherently intimate. When we treat each other with care and consideration after sex, we build on that intimacy. In a relationship, this brings two people closer together and positively associates sex with feelings of nurture and love.
Even after casual sex, good aftercare reaffirms both partners’ inherent value as people. In simpler terms, it reminds us that we deserve to be treated well even when no one wants something from us. This not only boosts our self-esteem but it reinforces positive behaviors that make us better lovers and better people.
On the other hand, ditching aftercare can make both partners feel the opposite. It’s common for people who neglect aftercare to feel used, and their self-esteem might take a hit too. In long-term relationships, this can give one or both partners negative feelings toward sex. This, in turn, might make them lose interest in sex, which often causes other problems in a relationship.
In terms of hygiene, people who don’t pee or clean themselves after sex are more likely to suffer from infections or deal with irritation in or around their genitals. No one wants that.
So why is aftercare so important? It keeps your body healthy and your sexual experience positive. In a relationship, it enhances your intimacy and, in any scenario, it reminds you that as a human in any situation, your partner is worth taking care of — and so are you.
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