Month: February 2022

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10 Foods to Eat If You Want a Better Sex Life, According to Experts

by JOSIE SANTI

You’ve probably heard about aphrodisiacs like chocolate and strawberries to get you in the mood, but is there really a correlation between nutrition and sex and if so, what are the best foods for sex? While aphrodisiacs are controversial among experts (no, chocolate is not a magical food meant to make you orgasm), many healthy foods contain important nutrients that can affect hormones or increase blood flow to help increase pleasure in the bedroom (or the bathroom, back of your car, with your vibrator–no judgment!).

But just a reminder that libido is a vital sign—a low sex drive could be the body’s way of communicating that it needs something. Therefore, the question is not just how can we improve our sex drive, but whyis our sex drive lacking in the first place? This list is not meant to replace talking to your doc about finding the root cause for a low libido.

Also, the most important thing you can do for your pleasure is to eat a healthy diet. Any whole foods like fruits and veggies can be good for the libido since a healthy libido is a sign of a healthy body. However, I asked doctors, nutritionists, and sex experts for specific foods that contain nutrients that are directly correlated to sexual pleasure. The foods they suggested are healthy, whole foods, so they can’t hurt to eat more of (in other words, whether or not they boost sex drive, they’re still good for you). Bottom line: talk to your doctor to improve low libido, eat a balanced and nutritious diet, and feel good about enjoying the 10 foods below, knowing they are expert-approved for spicing up your sex life.

1. Raw honey

If you’re deciding between sweeteners to add to your coffee, you might as well choose the one that can help increase libido. “Honey is packed full of natural goodness, including a mineral known as boron,” explained Reda Elmardi, a certified nutritionist, trainer, and editor at thegymgoat.com. “Boron has been found to help strengthen the bones, enhance muscle coordination, promote protein synthesis, and help increase the natural production of testosterone.” Even though we associate testosterone with men (especially bodybuilders), every gender has a combination of sex hormones, and testosterone directly correlates to sex drive. Raw honey (look for organic or manuka varieties) may help increase the natural production of the libido hormone.

2. Maca

Maca might not be found in every grocery store like honey, but it’s been used for thousands of years for energy, hormonal balance, and increasing sex drive. Maca is a vegetable that grows in the mountains of Peru and is technically a cruciferous vegetable, but it is most commonly found in the U.S. in the form of a powdered supplement. And according to some studies, there might be some scientific truth to the ancient use.

“A number of research [studies have] shown that supplementing with maca can increase sexual desire,” suggested Wendy Lord, a registered dietitian and consultant for Sensible Digs. While many studies about sex drive are performed on men (serious eye roll), a 2008 study showed maca decreased sexual dysfunction in postmenopausal women. If you’re interested in trying for yourself, first talk to your doctor about whether or not it’s right for you, and do your research for trustworthy brands.

3. Berries

You probably already know berries are good for skin glow and contain fiber for a healthy gut, but some experts swear that they’re the secret to a better sex life. According to Dr. Markus Ploesser, an integrative psychiatrist and longevity expert, berries like strawberries and raspberries contain zinc, which is important for testosterone level regulation (that hormone associated with sex drive).

“Blueberries contain flavonoids like anthocyanins and proanthocyanidins, which have been shown to improve sexual function,” Elmardi agreed. Elmardi cited a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine that found that people who ate blueberry-rich diets had increased blood flow to the genitalia after only three weeks (and when there’s more blood flow, there’s more pleasure). So what does all of this mean? Berries are a healthy source of antioxidants, phytonutrients, and fiber, so if you’re already a berry fan, keep on adding them to smoothies or eating them with yogurt, knowing you could also be getting sexual health benefits.

4. Saffron

Forget thyme and cumin–you’re going to want to cook everything with saffron from now on. It is believed that the delicious spice originated and was first cultivated in Greece, but today the spice is primarily grown in Iran, Greece, Morocco, and India. But lucky for us (and our sex drives), you can find it in most grocery stores. “The chemicals found in saffron have been shown to improve erectile dysfunction in men and increase lubrication for women,” Lord explained. A 2012 study gave women with low sexual desire 30 mg of saffron daily over four weeks and found it reduced sex-related pain and increased sexual desire and lubrication, compared to a placebo. To try for yourself, add the tasty spice to salad dressings, grains, marinades, or roasted veggies.

5. Oysters

The slurpy seafood is probably not the go-to food when you think of “sexy,” but oysters have long been known for their aphrodisiac effects. While experts are divided on whether or not there’s any truth to aphrodisiacs, there’s truth to the ones that contain specific nutrients known to improve sex drive. Luckily for shellfish lovers (I had to google if oysters counted as shellfish, TBH), the fancy delicacy does. According to Dr. Ploesser, oysters boost dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter that increases libido. “Oysters are a clichéd aphrodisiac because they contain zinc, which is necessary for the production of prolactin in women,” agreed Candela Valle, the resident nutritionist for MYHIXEL.

6. Watermelon

Watermelon is probably your favorite fruit come summer (sorefreshing!), but it has serious benefits year-round. Besides its high water content and nutrients that are beneficial for multiple functions of the body, watermelon is doing wonders for your sex life too. “Watermelon is one of the most effective foods that contain sexually enhanced amino acids (citrulline) that helps blood vessels to relax and improve sex drive,” explained Steve Theunissen, a registered dietitian nutritionist and certified personal trainer. Yes, watermelon is 92 percent water, but the remaining 8 percent is packed with nutrients that can improve sexual health and maintain overall health.

7. Fenugreek

Fenugreek originated in India and Northern Africa and dates back to six thousand years ago. Both the seeds and green leaves have been used as a spice in food and herbal medicine to treat various ailments for centuries. Turns out, it’s been boosting sexual health for a long time too. “Fenugreek contains chemicals that have properties similar to estrogen and testosterone,” Lord explained. “Research that looked at the effectiveness of fenugreek for improved sexual desire showed that it is effective in this area for both men and women.” As for why the herb affects libido? One of the reasons is that it’s a good source of zinc, which is an important nutrient related to the health of the sexual organs.

8. Red wine

As if we needed another reason to pour ourselves a glass, red wine might be one of the few alcoholic beverages that’s beneficial for libido (and–this may or may not be surprising to you–it’s not the alcohol that can improve your sex life). “Red wine contains quercetin, which might account for the positive response in sex drive,” said Dr. Anderson, Ph.D., a sex and relationship therapist, citing a 2009 study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine that showed one to two glasses of red wine a day increased sexual desire and lubrication in women. “Researchers noted that drinking more than two glasses of red wine daily or indulging in other types of alcoholic beverages did not produce the same results.” Sorry, spicy margaritas–you’re great for Taco Tuesdays, but not for our sex lives.

9. Garlic

The key ingredient that makes pasta so delicious is another ingredient that is under-appreciated when it comes to building up sex drive. You might think garlic is a killer for your sex life (no one likes garlic breath…), but the nutrients it contains could be increasing your pleasure by lowering cortisol. Let an expert explain: “Garlic contains a compound known as allicin, which helps to naturally lower levels of a hormone known as cortisol,” Elmardi explained. “Cortisol suppresses the immune system and also suppresses the natural production of testosterone. As the allicin in garlic helps to naturally lower cortisol, this helps to keep your testosterone levels stable.” As long as garlic doesn’t upset your stomach, feel free to eat it as much as you want, as it’s loaded with nutrients that are good for many functions of the body. Maybe just pop a breath mint or two if you’re getting straight to testing out the results.

10. Avocados

What can’t Instagram’s favorite fruit do!? Not only do avocados make a mean toast and a delicious pudding (a Kourtney Kardashian favorite, TYVM), but the beloved food is good for so many different functions of the body, including sex drive. “Avocados are high in vitamin E, which is a powerful antioxidant involved in widening blood vessels. As a result, you get a sufficient supply of blood to various parts of the body, including the genitals,” explained Barbara Santini, a psychologist and sex and relationship adviser. Bringing blood flow to the genitals means more of the good sensitivity that results in major pleasure. Try it as a spread on bread, cut up into salads, or made into guacamole.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What to Know About Gender-Affirming Care

Gender-affirmation care refers to treatments, ranging from surgery to speech therapy, that support a transgender or nonbinary person in their gender transition.

Transgender people identify with a gender different from the one they were assigned at birth. Nonbinary people have gender identities that fall outside the categories of male and female.

Transition looks different for each person. But generally, the goal of gender-affirmation care, sometimes called gender-affirming care, is to help your outward traits match your gender identity.

Nonsurgical Treatments

Which gender affirmation therapies you choose will differ depending on your own goals. Some nonsurgical treatments you can get are:

Laser hair removal: A skin doctor (dermatologist) uses a low-energy laser on your hair follicles (the small holes in your skin from which hair grows). Hair won’t grow back once it’s removed this way. You may need a series of treatments, each lasting a few minutes to a few hours, depending on the size of the area being treated. Your doctor will probably ask you to stop any other hair removal methods 6 weeks before treatment starts.

Masculinizing hormone replacement therapy: In this treatment, a doctor gives hormone medications to lessen female traits and promote male ones. You may notice:

  • More muscle mass
  • More body and facial hair
  • Lower voice
  • Changes in how you sweat and smell
  • Changes in where fat collects in your body
  • Hairline recession or baldness
  • Higher sex drive
  • Growth of the clitoris
  • Vaginal dryness
  • You no longer have periods

Feminizing hormone therapy: This is where a doctor gives you hormone medications to lessen male physical characteristics and increase female ones. You may notice:

  • Breast growth
  • Changes in where fat collects in your body
  • Less muscle mass
  • Less body hair
  • Changes in how you sweat and how you smell
  • Changes in sex drive
  • Changes in penis function (less frequent or firm erections)
  • Lower sperm count
  • Less sexual fluid at orgasm
  • Smaller testicles

Speech therapy: A specially trained therapist can help you change aspects of how you speak to better conform with your gender identity. This might include changes in:

  • The pitch of your voice
  • How quickly you speak
  • How loudly you speak
  • The quality, or “resonance,” of your voice
  • Your inflection, or changes in pitch as you speak
  • How you pronounce words and phrases
  • How you take part in a conversation
  • How you communicate in nonverbal ways (such as body language and facial expressions)

Mental health care: You face many issues when you establish a new gender identity. Should you get sex-reassignment surgery? How do you prepare mentally for the change? How do you deal socially with the transition? What about family, friends, and support systems?

A mental health specialist can help you explore different approaches to your transition. It may help to find one who specializes in transgender care.

Surgical Treatments

Gender-affirming surgical treatments are divided broadly into 2 categories: male-to-female surgeries, and female-to-male procedures.

Common surgeries include:

  • Facial reconstruction surgery: This can make your face look more feminine or masculine. You might get injections to enhance your cheekbones or surgery to soften or sharpen your chin. The surgeon can also make changes to your nose or jawline.
  • Chest surgery: This is sometimes called “top” surgery. The surgeon may remove breast tissue for a flatter, more masculine chest. Or, they could enhance the shape and size of your breasts to make them look more feminine.
  • Genital surgery: Sometimes called “bottom” surgery, these procedures transform and rebuild your genitals to come as close as possible in appearance and function to those of your gender identity.
  • Hysterectomy: This involves removal of uterus and ovaries. You may be able to preserve eggs that you could use later to have children.

Recovery after gender-affirmation surgeries varies greatly, depending on your health and the type of procedure. Your doctor can tell you what to expect.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What yoni massage is and how to practice it

by Hana Ames

Yoni massage is a type of sensual massage. It is one of the tantric practices that aim to create intimate connections between people. People can also practice yoni massage alone as a way to get to know their bodies.

People often think of tantra synonymously with tantric sex, but sex is only one aspect of tantra.

Yoni massage is not about sex or foreplay but about getting to know oneself and what feels good.

This article describes:

  • what yoni massage is
  • its possible benefits
  • how to perform it
  • positions to try
  • where to find out more

Yoni is the Sanskrit word for vulva or vagina, and it roughly translates as “sacred cave” or “sacred space.”

Yoni massage is a type of sensual massage that aims to help people feel more comfortable in themselves by exploring and developing their relationship with their body.

Yoni massage is one of many tantric practices. Tantra yoga, for example, was once a preferred practice in ancient India for enhancing sexual pleasure. Yoni massage can involve some tantric positions.

A main goal of yoni massage is to help a person feel more in tune with their body and more comfortable in their skin.

Some proponents believe that practicing this massage one one’s own may help a person work through sexual trauma because it helps a person take control of their sexuality and learn what they enjoy.

Others might find that practicing yoni massage with a partner enhances the relationship.

It is important to note that yoni massage has no medical benefits.

As anecdotal evidence suggests, most people find yoni massage to be an emotional journey rather than a sexual one.

While some people may orgasm as a result of yoni massage, it is not necessarily the goal and does not need to be an expectation.

Some people, however, find that it leads to multiple orgasms. This depends entirely on the individual.

Practitioners say that preparation is key before performing a yoni massage. A person should try to prepare their mind, body, and, importantly, their space.

Prepare the space

Choose an inviting area, which may be a bed or the floor. Add plenty of pillows and blankets to make it as comfortable as possible.

Boost the ambiance by lowering the lights or lighting some candles, which may be scented.

A person may prefer to perform the massage in silence or with relaxing background sounds or music. Make sure that the temperature is pleasant.

Prepare the mind

Set aside enough time to perform yoni massage. It is important not to feel rushed or concerned about the day’s schedule.

Setting the intention is important when preparing for a yoni massage. Set the intention but do not get too caught up in fixing the intent. It should be flexible.

Prepare the body

Posture is important for performing a yoni massage. To have the right posture:

  • Lie down comfortably on the bed, floor, or other chosen space.
  • Gently place a pillow under the head and another under the back.
  • Place the feet gently but firmly on the ground with the knees bent and the legs open.

Warming up is also important. Breathe in and out slowly, focusing on the inhale and exhale.

Sensual touching is a great way to warm up for a yoni massage. Involve the breasts, areola, abdomen and belly, upper legs and inner thighs. Massage, touch, and pull on these areas however feels good. Work down the body toward the vulva.

People may want to use lubricant or massage oils. Make sure that any product will not cause an allergic reaction or disrupt the balance of helpful microorganisms known as the vaginal flora.

A person should proceed slowly and listen to what their body is telling them and how they are feeling. There should be no time constraints.

Some very simple techniques to try when practicing yoni massage include:

Tugging

  1. Gently hold the clitoris between the index finger and thumb.
  2. Tug gently away from the body.
  3. Release.
  4. Repeat with the inner and outer labia and any other areas that feel comfortable.

Pushing and pulling

  1. Make small, pulsing movements while pushing gently on the clitoris with one or two fingers.
  2. Keep pressure on the clitoris while pulling the finger down the shaft.
  3. Repeat on both sides of the shaft.

Circling

  1. Using the finger tip, make small circles around the clitoris.
  2. Vary the direction clockwise and counterclockwise.
  3. Swap between the small circles and larger ones, changing the pressure to whatever feels good.

Rolling

  1. Take some of the inner or outer labia between the middle finger and thumb.
  2. Move the fingers in opposite directions as though trying to snap them together.

Cupping

  1. Shape the hand into a “cup,” and hold it over the vagina.
  2. Move the hand in a gentle circular motion.
  3. Flatten the hand against the opening of the vagina.
  4. Massage the whole area using the palm of the hand.

A person can try switching between the various techniques above. Make sure the rest of the body is involved in the massage, as well.

People may wish to try multiple positions when practicing yoni massage, many of which have their roots in the yogic tradition.

Lotus position

A person can assume this position as part of a solo massage or with a partner.

Alone, sit with the legs crossed and the back straight, resting the palms on the knees.

With a partner:

  1. One partner sits as above.
  2. Facing them, the second partner sits with their legs wrapped around the first partner’s torso, with their ankles crossed behind the partner.
  3. Breathe together.

Hand on heart

  1. Sit with the legs crossed and the back straight.
  2. Rest the dominant hand over the heart.
  3. Feel the heartbeat and meditate on the connection, breathing deeply.

  4. As people become more comfortable with yoni massages, they may wish to try out a new technique.

    Edging

    Orgasm is not the primary purpose of tantric practices such as yoni massage. But if a person finds that they are able to climax through yoni massage, they may wish to try what practitioners call “edging.”

    By delaying orgasm, people may find that the experience is more intense when they eventually allow it to happen.

    Edging involves stopping the massage just before climax and having some cooling off time. Then, begin the massage again, stopping just before climax. Repeat this as many times as desired.

    The more a person repeats this process, the greater the pleasure they may experience when they finally allow themselves to reach orgasm.

    People should be aware that yoni massage is not regulated.

    Anyone interested in having someone else perform yoni massage on them should do careful research and look for a reputable practitioner.

    Well regarded instructors in the field include Layla Martin and Sofia Sundari.

    Anyone interested in tantric sex and tantra yoga more generally can find more information at Embody Tantra and Tantra is Love.

    There is no scientific evidence that yoni massage has medical benefits. Anecdotal evidence with a long history suggests that it may provide emotional and spiritual benefits.

    People can perform yoni massage alone or with a partner. Many who do find it to be a very intimate practice.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is the Impact of Casual Sex on Mental Health?

By Sarah Vanbuskirk

Depending on the context, casual sex may be celebrated, relished, derided, envied, or stigmatized. Some people consider the activity in a serious way, evaluating all the possible ramifications (emotionally and physically) along with the potential benefits and drawbacks when thinking about having casual sex. Others take the idea of casual sex, well, a bit more casually.

That said, many people have strong opinions about whether or not it’s a good idea, although these attitudes tend to shift as life circumstances—and relationship statuses—change. However, whether you’re inclined to go with the flow or to consider the topic down to the nitty-gritty, it can be helpful to take a look at the cultural context and potential mental health effects (both positive and negative) that casual sex can have when deciding if it’s right for you.

What Is Casual Sex?

Casual sex can be defined in a variety of ways and may mean very different things to different people. However, by and large, casual sex is consensual sex outside of a romantic relationship or marriage, usually without any strings of attachment or expectation of commitment or exclusivity.1 Depending on the situation, the activity is also known as hook-ups, one-night-stands, trysts, booty calls, or friends-with-benefits, among many other euphemisms.

Casual sex might happen between partners just once or regularly. It may occur between close friends, exes, casual acquaintances, uncommitted dating partners, colleagues, or complete strangers, and might be planned or scheduled in advance or occur spontaneously. In essence, causal sex is a way of having the physical intimacy of sex, outside of the emotional, practical, or romantic components of love or a committed relationship.

Some people form casual sex relationships periodically, while others do so more frequently and may have one or many partners that they hook up with over the same period of time as a normal part of their lives.

What Constitutes Casual Sex?

Casual sex doesn’t necessarily always include intercourse. It might comprise any range of physically intimate activities, such as kissing, oral sex, mutual masturbation, and penetration.

Casual Sex in Context

Some people consider casual sex a healthy sexual outlet, akin to regular exercise, or simply as an enjoyable physical experience, possibly enjoyed even more without the expectations, accountability, or pressures of a traditional romantic relationship.

When it’s engaged in in an emotionally healthy manner, casual sex provides the carnal pleasures of sexual intimacy without the emotional entanglements of a full-fledged relationship.

For others, casual sex has appeal but managing the emotions, as in not getting attached or feeling dejected or used, or judgments of others gets complicated—and can result in hurt feelings or unrequited longing. Still others find the risks (like getting an infection, sexual assault, or disappointment) are too great and/or feel sex should only occur in a committed or married relationship.

Cautionary, often sexist, tales are often told, particularly to girls and women. Not too long ago, girls were warned with age-old adages like “they won’t buy the cow if you give away the milk for free,” meant to deter them from compromising their “virtue.”

In movies, casual sex is often portrayed as fun, no-strings-attached romps resulting in a cheerful, exuberant glow—sometimes leading to romance. Other portrayals end in disappointment, regret, and heartbreak. But how does it play out in real life?

The truth is that casual can be fantastic or terrible and everything in between.

For some, sex outside of commitment is considered immoral—or only appropriate for men or “loose” women. Sometimes, these encounters may constitute cheating, as in one or both of the participants is in another relationship. Clearly, stereotypes, assumptions, ethics, experience, and personal beliefs are all at play. Additionally, a few bad (or good) casual sex encounters may drastically skew a person’s perspective on the activity.

What we can all agree on is that casual (or any) sex carries with it the risks of unplanned pregnancy, contracting sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and physical (or emotional) harm from your partner, particularly one that is not well-known to you. But, in addition to taking stock of moral issues and risk factors, there are mental health ramifications to consider when deciding if casual sex is emotionally healthy for you.

Beliefs and Stereotypes

There are historical, religious, and cultural prejudices against casual sex, especially for women, that promote marriage or committed relationships as the most (or only) acceptable venues for sex. In some traditions, sex is considered only appropriate for reproductive purposes, and/or sex for pleasure is taboo. Often, these “rules” have been flouted, with casual sex kept secret, particularly for men, with a variety of repercussions possible (like ruined reputations or ostracization) for those that get caught.

Women who engage in casual sex have historically (and in some communities, continue to be) demonized for the behavior, labeled as sluts, whores, trash, easy, or worse. Clearly, buying into these harmful, oppressive stereotypes is damaging whether or not you engage in casual sex—and serves to reinforce the sexist idea that it’s wrong for women to enjoy sexual pleasure and experiment sexually outside of romantic love or the bonds of marriage.

However, with the introduction of safe and effective birth control in the 1960s and the “free love” sexual revolution that followed, the power of these archetypes began to fall away. Still, more conservative notions about sexual freedom and experimentation—as well as traditional views on gender identity and sexual preference—still hold powerful sway among the hearts and minds of some.

Today, though, many have shaken off, rejected, or modified those traditional ideals to embrace a more expansive range of possible sexual or romantic relationships, including the LGBTQ+ community. Increasingly, noncommitted rendezvouses are viewed as a rite of passage or simply as an enticing sexual outlet.2 It’s more common, too, to believe that everyone should get to define for themselves the types of sexual relationships they want to engage in.

Potential Benefits and Drawbacks

The pluses or minuses of causal sex are relative to the situation in question. There may be as many potential benefits (like sexual satisfaction, feeling attractive, or meeting a potential future partner) to casual sex as there are issues to give you pause. Possible drawbacks, such as emotional distress due to wanting more or sexual regret, will vary dramatically from person to person, essentially based on your mindset going into the encounter and personal history and expectations.3

Some groups attach a lot of societal stigma to casual sex while others are more accepting or enthusiastic about the practice. Each person should consider any underlying shame or other negative feelings they personally might feel or be exposed to and whether those beliefs resonate with them as something to embrace or reject. How likely you are to feel good about the experience before, during, and after is important to consider as well.

Of course, as noted above, there are notable physical risks of engaging in casual sex, particularly if safe sex practices are not followed, of STIs, unplanned pregnancy, and sexual assault. But the emotional fallout, sometimes completely unexpectedly, can be huge as well, particularly if you are engaging in casual sex as a way to avoid or bury your feelings.4

Anecdotally, we know that many people enter into these encounters thinking it will all be in good fun, only to end up attached, deflated, upset, or feeling misguided. On the flip side, there are many others who end up pleasantly surprised by their experiences and their ability to enjoy a simply physical liaison.

Mental Health Effects

Essentially, some people may be better than others at compartmentalizing their romantic longings from their sexual desires. For others, emotions and touch naturally entwine, making causal sex harder to keep casual, even if that was your intention. Research shows that women tend to have a harder time than men with preventing emotional attachment, and when this happens they are more prone to feeling used, depressed, regretful, or embarrassed after the fact.4

People may jump in without really thinking about how they’ll feel afterward, only to find they’re left with hurt feelings, remorse, wishing there was more to the relationship, or feeling unfulfilled by the experience. It can be easy to tell yourself that it’s just sex, just for fun, but for some people, it may turn out to be very hard to keep your feelings in check. So, it’s vital to assess expectations honestly.

Other people may have the opposite issue, where they focus so intently on just keeping the relationship on a physical level, telling themselves that there is nothing else there (or that they don’t want a romantic entanglement), that they may miss the potential for a more lasting, deeper relationship—possibly ending up disappointed later that they didn’t pursue one when they had the chance. Then, there are others who fully relish the just physical thrills of a booty call.

Sometimes, casual sex relationships exist in a lopsided power dynamic that leaves one or the other partner longing for more (whether simply in frequency or in the type of commitment), while the other keeps it casual. Clearly, this situation is likely to take a toll on the person wanting more. In these cases, there is a bigger potential for self-esteem to take a big hit and for stress, anxiety, self-doubt, or even, depression to occur.5

Additionally, studies show that post-hookup distress and misgivings are more likely with unprotected sex as well as if an encounter goes further than intended or if either person felt pressured to perform sexual acts that they didn’t want to do.5

Acting outside more conservative beliefs on causal sex might be liberating for some but end up disappointing, or even traumatic, for others.

What the Research Says

Overall, likely because this issue is so personal and influenced by so many factors, research on the mental health effects of causal sex is mixed.6 Some studies have found a correlation between casual sex and a variety of negative mental health consequences like anxiety, sadness, feeling bad about oneself, regret, depression, and poor self-esteem. However, many others have found positive impacts, such as a boost in self-esteem, relaxation, sexual pleasure, and self-awareness.

In fact, a comprehensive 2020 review of 71 studies generally found a positive emotional outcome from casual sex experiences for most people.6 However, the researchers note that beneficial mental health impacts are not universal and that factors like using alcohol, not knowing one’s partner, and not being sexually satisfied from the encounter can make a negative emotional response more likely.

Tellingly, many studies have found a stronger positive correlation of negative emotional outcomes for women who engage in more frequent hookups, while men tend to experience the opposite—more casual sex creating more positive feelings.5

Ultimately, your personal experiences and beliefs on sexuality, gender roles, identity, romance, religion, morality, life purpose, and happiness will inform how you experience and think about casual sex.

Your own emotional baggage about sex, touch, romance, and sexual identity has the power to turn what might be a positive encounter for one person into a guilt-laden mistake for another. Essentially, it’s different for everyone, and only you can decide what’s right for you.

Who Is Having Casual Sex?

While it’s challenging to get exact numbers on the prevalence of casual sex, studies show that the behavior is very common and increasingly socially accepted.2 Interestingly, many teens and young adults seem to favor more casual hookups as a precursor to potential romantic relationships rather than engaging in traditional dating practices. Essentially, experiencing sex as a physical need and a way to vet potential romantic partners.

Research has found that casual sex is particularly common in adolescence, emerging adulthood, and any time adults are outside of committed relationships. In one study, 40% of respondents in their early 20s reported a recent casual sex encounter. Other research has found that over 50% of 18 to 24-year-olds have indulged in the activity and that of sexually active teens, almost 40% were hooking up rather than within exclusive relationships.5

Other studies put the rates at over 70% of young adults having casual sex.4 Interestingly, the number of prior sexual partners, level of completed education, alcohol and drug use, and perception of the acceptability of the behavior impact the number of casual sex experiences a person is likely to have. For example, those pursuing college degrees engaged in casual sex less often than those that didn’t finish high school.5

Another review found that religious belief, high self-esteem, and having married parents decreased the likelihood of the behavior, but that factors like race, socioeconomic status, depression, and being in a romantic relationship did not affect rates of casual sex.3

In addition to reduced stigma about non-committed sex, the rise of dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, OkCupid, and Coffe Meets Bagel, has given people many more options for dating and casual sex—and to find like-minded partners.

Is It Right for You?

Depending on the person, casual sex may feel like a gift, necessary pleasure, happy indulgence, minor regret, or a deep shame. Whether or not you pursue casual sex is a personal choice that is heavily dependent on your life experiences, beliefs, and relationship status as well as how you feel about casual sex itself—and your prospective partner.

Ultimately, the important thing to know is that there is no right or wrong answer, just what feels best for you. It can help to have an understanding of what the difference or overlap between sex and love is for you—and whether or not you want (or can) keep them separate.

Sometimes, you might discover how you feel about hookups through trial and error, but even better is to think about what you want and believe regarding your sexuality and sexual activities in order to really know on a deep level what is best for you.

A good indication that casual sex might be something you’d like is if you feel more excitement and empowerment rather than shame or guilt when thinking of it. Taking proper consent and safe sex precautions is also imperative.

The type of casual sex you are considering also may impact your enjoyment and comfort level with it as well. For example, anonymous sex might feel hot or lonely—or dirty, in a bad way. Hooking up with an ex or close friend might feel comfortable and safe or boring—or naughty, in a good way. It’s vital to think about consent, too. For casual sex to be a positive experience, you want to be sure that you are doing what you want to do and aren’t feeling pressured (or forced) to engage in anything you don’t.

Alternatively, sleeping with a platonic friend might get awkward, especially if one of you ends up with romantic feelings that the other doesn’t reciprocate, and sex with a former flame may open a can of worms you’d rather keep shut. Also, if casual sex feels in opposition to your moral beliefs then you may have trouble enjoying it, although you might also discover that your beliefs on uncommitted sex bend as you evolve as a person and as a sexual being.

The key is honestly assessing how you really feel about the idea of casual sex and what are you truly hoping to get out of the experience. Casual sex might be right for those that want to experience an array of sexual behaviors and relationships before deciding to commit to a monogamous relationship. You may want to explore your own sexuality and desires and might feel more comfortable doing so in a casual setting. If you just simply enjoy hookups (or want to), then go ahead and enjoy.

Some people’s sexuality is tied tighter to intimate relationships than others who are more comfortable separating their sexual needs and desires from being in love and/or a relationship—and either way of being can be healthy and something to celebrate.

A Word From Verywell

Casual sex can be a wonderful thing or it can make you feel guilty, empty, or unsatisfied. You’ll know if it’s emotionally healthy for you if it makes you feel good and good about yourself. If not, you might not be in the right frame of mind to enjoy the experience. Know that everyone is at a different place, which will likely change over time, and that’s OK. There’s no right or wrong here, just what kind of sexual life you want to live.

While some might leave a carnal encounter feeling depressed, embarrassed, or sad, another may emerge more confident, at peace, fulfilled, or elated. If you’re in the latter camp, you may want to work through feelings of shame or longing—or you might want to stick to sex inside romantic relationships.

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‘Start low, and go slow’

— how to talk to your partner about sex

‘Make time to talk away from the bedroom, when neither of you are rushed’

It might be awkward at first, but opening up about your needs and desires can transform your relationship

By

Sex is a life-affirming act, one of the most intimate things you can do with another person. But talking about it? So much harder. “You are much more vulnerable talking about sex than doing it,” says Justin Lehmiller, an academic who specialises in sex, love and relationships.

The good news is, at any stage in your life, you’ll be happier if you open up, say the experts – and your sex life will reap the benefits. As the sexual health charity the FPA advises: “By sharing your likes, dislikes and expectations, you can learn more about how to please each other.”

Bad communication about sex “is often a sign that you are communicating badly about everything,” says Krystal Woodbridge, a psychosexual and relationship therapist. “If a couple comes to me with a sexual problem, it’s rarely just about that one thing. For example, someone with low desire may have been harbouring 20 years of resentment about something else.”

Is talking about sex ever a bad idea? “It’s never good to complain about your partner’s performance,” says Cate Campbell, a therapist who specialises in relationship and psychosexual therapy. And always judge your partner’s comfort level, says Lehmiller. “Don’t bring up anything that might threaten them.”

So where do you start? Here are some tips on how to make your sex talk as helpful, productive and enjoyable as you can.

Get going straight away

It’s a good idea to start talking about sex early on in a relationship, says Lehmiller: the longer you wait, the harder it will become. “Establish trust and intimacy first with easier conversations, say about consent or contraception,” he says. “You can then move on to what feels good, and what doesn’t, and go from there.”

When it comes to sharing fantasies, “start low, and go slow”, he says. “Begin with some tame, vanilla fantasies to see how your partner responds. This will help build trust and intimacy. If you’re in a long-term relationship, you have time. Make sure you tell your partner what role they play in your fantasy, so they don’t feel excluded or threatened.”

… but it’s never too late to start

“If years or decades have gone by without a couple really talking about sex, I often suggest an amnesty,” says Woodbridge. “I tell them, forget everything that’s come before.” She tells couples to pretend they’ve never met. This helps them to focus on what they want in their future, rather than what’s happened in their past. Communication can be a real problem for older people, who haven’t grown up with the tools, says Campbell. “If a person is ‘relaunching’ later in life, perhaps after a divorce or the death of a partner, I encourage them to have a good chat about their expectations before jumping into bed with a new person.”

Open up about your fantasies

People find it hard to share their sexual fantasies – in fact, only half of us have, says Lehmiller, who surveyed more than 4,000 people for his 2018 book, Tell Me What You Want. But there’s a lot to gain from doing so. “People who discuss their fantasies report the happiest sexual relationships,” he says. “But there’s a lot of shame around them.”

Lehmiller’s research revealed that 97% of fantasies fall into the same broad categories: multipartner sex; rough sex; novelty and adventure; voyeurism and fetishes; non-monogamous sex; deeper emotional connection; and gender fluidity. “We’re more normal than we think we are,” he says. Sharing our fantasies – whether we act on them or not – is an easy way to introduce novelty into our sex lives. And simply expressing them may be arousing enough.

Timing is everything

“It might seem more natural to talk about sex just before or after you’ve had it,” says the FPA, “but talking in the heat of the moment, without your clothes on, might make you feel vulnerable.” Instead, make time away from the bedroom, at a time when neither of you are rushed.

This doesn’t apply when it comes to sharing your sexual fantasies – best to do this when you’re already turned on, says Lehmiller. “Your disgust response lessens when you’re aroused, so your partner may be more receptive. Break the ice: watch an erotic film, have some wine – find something that gets the ball rolling.”

Take responsibility for your own pleasure

“In couples therapy, one of the most effective exercises I do is ask couples to go away and focus purely on their own pleasure, rather than that of their partner,” says Campbell. “That way, they’re not thinking, ‘I’ve got to please this person’. It removes performance anxiety, which is really distracting. It’s transformational: when they do start talking, they have so much more knowledge to share.”

If you own your experience in this way, she says, it makes it harder to criticise the other person. Woodbridge agrees: “People believe they have the power to give another person an orgasm – they don’t. If you take ownership of your own orgasm, it’s within nobody’s power to “not” give you one.” In this way, it’s harder to blame the other person.

Be clear – and explain

Your partner is not a mind reader: if you don’t feel like sex because you’ve just had a coffee and your breath smells, or you’ve just been to the toilet and feel dirty, tell them that, says Campbell. Otherwise they won’t understand why they are being pushed away and will feel rejected. “A question I often ask couples in therapy is, how do you cope with no, and how do you deliver a no?” she says.

Be positive, not critical

Use “I” rather than “You” sentences, advises Zoë Bailie at The Mix, a charity that provides support for under-25s. “It’s less accusative, and puts you in control. So, ‘I feel …’ rather than ‘You make me feel …’.” Be nice to your partner, agrees Campbell. “Say, ‘I really like it when …’ rather than ‘Stop doing that’.”

Always say something positive – something your partner has done that you like, say – before you say something bad, says the FPA (this applies to non-sex conversations too).

“I call it ‘fact, feelings and fair request’,” says Woodbridge. “So – ‘I’ve noticed that you like …’ or ‘I feel that …’. It gives the other person useful feedback, as opposed to feeling nagged.” Be vocal about what does feel good – sometimes the conversation need go no further than ‘that felt really, really, good – let’s do that again’.

Listen – and ask questions

One of the biggest problems in communication is not that people don’t know how to talk, but they don’t know how to listen, says Campbell. “They are so worried about how to avoid hurting themselves or the other person, they spend the whole time thinking about what to say next, rather than really listening.”

How do you achieve this? “Park your emotional response, and try to be curious, detached and present,” says Woodbridge. “Say to your partner: ‘Tell me more about that.’”

Try to put yourself in their shoes, she says. “And you must try to accept what you’re hearing. We are hardwired to think that our reality is the only one, and that other perspectives are wrong.” Fix that, she says, and these tricky conversations will become much easier.

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Why Aftercare Is Important After All Kinds Of Sex

— Not Just BDSM

By Gigi Engle

Aftercare is the time a couple devotes to cuddling, talking, and caring for each other after sex. Aftercare is considered essential following BDSM because it ensures both partners feel at ease and ready to rejoin the real world, particularly after intense kink play.

In my practice as a clinical sexologist, I’m a big proponent of all couples devoting time to post-euphoric aftercare so as to rekindle closeness, regardless of the play they engage in. You may think this is simply “what you do after sex,” but it actually has important implications.

Aftercare makes for stronger emotional bonds.

Couples who practice aftercare will naturally develop closer, more intimate bonds with their partners than those who don’t. After sex, we’re particularly vulnerable. We’re naked, we’ve (hopefully) just had an orgasm, and our bodies are awash in oxytocin and dopamine. We need to ensure that positive state of mind continues. “Everyone feels good when they know their partner cares for them, and what better way to show it than tending to them when they are in a vulnerable post-sex state of mind?” says licensed psychotherapist and couples therapist Pam Saffer, LMFT.

“Prioritizing time [for] aftercare provides space to improve emotional intimacy, sharing and validating positive emotions. It really encourages couples to share open communication and express love [and] kindness toward each other either verbally or through affectionate touch,” adds Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist.

It doesn’t matter if you’re friends with benefits, in a long-term relationship, a one-night-stand, or married; aftercare is still important. While it may seem odd to engage in aftercare with someone you’re not seriously dating, it’s still important. It’s not about making someone fall in love with you or trying to make a more serious relationship out of something casual. It’s about making sure everyone is cared for with respect and tenderness so that they can leave a sexual experience feeling good about themselves.

Take some time to connect with your partner and reflect on everything that happened in a positive, kind way. The kind of relationship you’re in doesn’t diminish the need for making sure everyone feels good about the sex that took place.

It helps relieve underlying sexual shame.

While sex is not shameful and should be enjoyed (safely) by one and all, it can sometimes bring up feelings of shame due to the sex-negative messages many of us faced growing up. While the logical mind tells us that sex is normal and healthy, our subconscious can store these shameful messages. After sex, after that delicious post-orgasmic high, your body can suddenly unearth the subconscious shame. This might be especially relevant if one or more parties was raised within a conservative or religious background

“Part of the point of aftercare is to diminish any post-sexual shame, which can be heightened by sex followed by goodbye, leaving a partner to feel you [didn’t care] for them but only [wanted] sexual gratification,” says Gail Saltz, M.D., associate professor of psychiatry at the New York–Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine. “Women, in particular, have been socialized to feel that [sex for] sexual gratification only is a shameful act. It is, of course, not, but nonetheless, being cared for in some way afterward often mitigates those feelings of shame.”

Aftercare helps to stave off the post-coital blues.

Have you ever felt like crying after sex? You know, when you have a truly amazing orgasm and then feel sad for no reason? This is called “post-coital dysphoria,” or the post-sex blues. It’s believed to come from the euphoric rush and sudden comedown that follows intense sexual pleasure. It is the brain’s way of recalibrating. Research has shown that nearly half of men and women have experienced PCD at some point in their lives.

Aftercare is the salve that soothes these sad feelings. “Sometimes people can feel alienated from their partners after the euphoric feelings from sex wear off,” Shaffer explains. “Aftercare routines can help them to feel close in a purposeful way.”

Have an open and honest discussion about PCD and develop an aftercare routine that makes you feel safe and secure. You might want to cuddle, perhaps you want your partner to stroke your arm, or you might want to have a nice chat or a deeper conversation. “If you know there is something after sex that would make you feel better, then you need to speak up and ask for what you want. Your partner wants you to feel good, and anything they can do in aftercare needs to be communicated and shared with them,” D’Angelo says. 

The bottom line.

Sex is very fun, but it can be an emotionally fraught thing in addition to all the pleasures, so we need to take precautions to ensure that everyone walks away from the experience feeling positive and good about themselves.

Whatever form of aftercare works for you is perfectly fine. Just be sure you have a discussion about it before any sexy time takes place. When it comes to sex, we all deserve to walk out the door afterward feeling emotionally whole and great about ourselves.

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What’s the Difference Between Ethical Non-Monogamy, Polyamory, and Open Relationships?

Here’s how to determine what’s right for you.

By Zachary Zane

Relationships used to be simpler. Traditionally in the United States, the vast majority of people in relationships were monogamous, whereas the few remaining more “adventurous” couples were in open relationships, meaning they slept with additional folks with the consent and knowledge of their partner.

That was it.

Now people aren’t just in open relationships, they’re in polyamorous, swinging, polyfidelitous, and monogamish relationships too. (And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There are even more types of relationship styles out there.)

Even though the distinctions between these various relationship labels may seem insignificant, they’re necessary to differentiate the important nuances between each type of sexual and romantic connection.

In this explainer, we’ll break down everything you need to know about the main types of relationships that aren’t monogamous as well as tackle which type of relationship may work best for you and your partner(s).

Ethical non-monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term for all types of relationships that aren’t monogamous, meaning it includes every single defined term below. The word “ethical” is thrown in to make it abundantly clear that non-monogamy differs from cheating and lying to your partner. In ethically non-monogamous relationships, all partners are aware of the dynamic and consent to their partner(s) either dating or having sex outside of the relationship.

Open relationship

Most simply, an open relationship is one where you can sleep with folks outside of your primary relationship or marriage. People in open relationships typically keep their relationships with others strictly sexual. They’re not trying to date or fall in love with another person—although that sometimes can happen—which can complicate things. There are numerous different types of open relationships, and many folks have various “rules” in place to decrease the likelihood of romance with another person. These rules may prohibit sleeping with the same person more than once, sleeping with friends, sleepovers after sex, and sleeping in the bed the couple share. Whereas some open couples prefer to share the details of their sexual encounters, others have a “don’t-ask-don’t-tell” policy. The important thing to note here is that the primary partnership comes first.

Swinging

Swinging falls under the larger “open” umbrella, but has more specific guidelines. As Gigi Engle, a certified sex coach and educator, tells Prevention.com: “Swinging is when a committed couple engages in sexual activities with others as a form of recreation, such as a swingers party. A couple may also private swing with another couple. It’s an activity a couple does together and is usually considered part of their shared sex life.” The key here is noting that these couples swing together. They aren’t having sex with others independently, and more often than not, are having experiences at a designated swingers event.

Monogamish

Almost a decade ago, relationship and sex columnist Dan Savage coined the word “monogamish” to describe relationships that were, for the most part, monogamous, but allowed for little acts of sexual indiscretion (with the partner’s knowledge). Folks in monogamish relationships don’t often have sex outside the relationship. When they do, it’s usually when one person is out of town for work. The sexual flings with others are, for lack of a better word, meaningless. There’s no emotion involved. I’ve noticed that those in monogamish relationships are much more likely to have a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy than those in an open relationship, where the primary partners are sleeping with outsiders on a more regular basis.

Polyamorous

Polyamory comes from the Greek “poly” meaning many and Latin “amor” meaning love. Those who are in a polyamorous relationship have an intimate, romantic, and/or sexual relationship with more than one person. What can complicate things are folks who identify as polyamorous, yet are only romantically involved with one person. These people claim the poly label because they want to make it clear that they are open to the idea of loving more than one person at a time—and so too are their partners. They may also be actively dating other individuals, however, at the present moment, they’re currently only in a serious relationship with one person.

Polyamorous is different than polygamy, and as someone who identifies as polyamorous, we don’t like it when people conflate the two terms.

Polyamorous is different than polygamy, and as someone who identifies as polyamorous, I can tell you confidently that we don’t like it when people wrongfully conflate the two terms.

Polygamy is specifically when one man marries multiple women or vice-a-versa. Typically, however, it refers to the former, whereas polyandry would refer to when one woman has multiple husbands. Polygamy is rooted in a toxic patriarchy, where the man exerts his dominance over women, whereas polyamory (when done correctly) is egalitarian. That’s why individuals in polyamorous relationships typically loathe the conflation between the two.

Hierarchical polyamory

A specific subset of polyamory, those in hierarchical poly actually have a ranking system among their relationships. At the top is the person’s primary partner. Usually those practicing hierarchical poly live with that person, share resources, make decisions together, and they’ve been partners for a long period of time. Secondary partners are, well, secondary. They tend to get less time and resources from their partner. Primary partners also may have “veto power” prohibiting their partner from dating or seeing a specific person.

Many polyamorous folks aren’t fans of hierarchical poly because who wants to be considered a second or third priority? In the past, I know I’ve explained to folks that I have a boyfriend, but also date other people, which, in my mind, illustrates the same notion of hierarchical poly without the formality. However, folks who prefer hierarchical poly like the fact that there are clear expectations that come with the hierarchy, which can make the relationship(s) easier. If there’s ever a conflict, everyone knows the main person will side with his or her primary partner. That’s to be expected.

“Having a hierarchical poly relationship may be attractive in all the large parts it entails,” explains Engle. “You have a primary partner—one you can come home to and have a solid, ‘normal’ life with, as well as a secondary partner you can date, love, and have an entirely different kind of relationship with. It also helps to combat jealousy by knowing that if you’re the primary partner, you’re going to be the most important person in their life.”

Polyfidelity

Last but certainly not least is polyfidelity, where you have a romantic and sexual relationship where all members are considered equal partners and agree to limit sexual and romantic activities to only those in the group. People will also simply call this a “closed triad” or “closed quad” depending how many people are in the polyfidelitous relationship.

“People often think if you’re in a triad, you must be open to [dating and sleeping with] everyone, and this simply isn’t the case. It may be in some triads, but certainly not all,” explains Engle.

So, which type of ethically non-monogamous relationship is right for you?

Each ethical non-monogamous relationship style has its strengths and weakness, which is why it’s necessary to discuss with your partner what it is specifically you’re looking to get out of a being romantically and or/sexually involved with others. If you’re looking to spice up your sex life but you feel fulfilled romantically—perhaps swinging or a monogamish relationship would suits you best. If you have so much love to give and want to bring in another person to love and support, perhaps a polyfidelity or another form of polyamory is right for you and your partner(s).

“Since poly relationships are so outside of the ‘normal’ relationship styles we accept as a society, a lot of couples, triads, and individuals are in a position to create their own terms and agreements,” says Engle. “It isn’t like sexual monogamy, wherein two people are expected to default to total emotional and sexual monogamy. There are layers and grey areas in polyamory that are being negotiated between all parties involved.”

With ethical non-monogamy, things can also change over time. What starts as an open relationship can evolve into a polyamorous one. Or, after years of being polyamorous, you and your partner can decide you’d like to go back to being monogamous, or something else entirely. The key is being open about what it is you want and embracing all the beautiful changes that may influence your relationship as both you and your partner(s) grow together over time.

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What is an orgasm?

Everything you need to know about orgasms

by James McIntosh

Many people regard the orgasm as the peak of sexual excitement. It is a powerful feeling of physical pleasure and sensation. There is still more for researchers to know about the orgasm, and over the past century, theories about the orgasm and its nature have shifted.

This article explains what an orgasm is in people of different sexes. It also looks at why orgasms occur and explains some common misconceptions.

According to the American Psychological Association, an orgasm is when a person reaches peak pleasure. The body releases tension, and the perineal muscles, anal sphincter, and reproductive organs rhythmically contract.

Males will usually ejaculate when reaching an orgasm and females will experience vaginal wall contractions. Females may also ejaculate during sexual activity or when experiencing an orgasm.

Orgasm models

Sex researchers have defined orgasms within staged models of sexual response. Although the orgasm process can differ greatly between individuals, several basic physiological changes tend to occur in most incidences.

The following models are patterns that occur in all forms of sexual response and do not solely relate to penile-vaginal intercourse.

Master and Johnson’s 4-phase model

In 1966, researchers named William Masters and Virginia Johnson came up with a four-phase model:

  1. excitement
  2. plateau
  3. orgasm
  4. resolution

Kaplan’s 3-stage model

Kaplan’s model differs from most other sexual response models by including desire — most models tend to avoid including nongenital changes. It is also important to note that desire does not precede all sexual activity. The three stages in this model are:

  1. desire
  2. excitement
  3. orgasm

During an orgasm, people may experience an intense feeling of pleasure in the genitals and throughout the body. Orgasms can feel different for each individual.

After an orgasm, the face, neck, or chest may flush. People may also feel sleepy, relaxed, or happy afterwards due to a release of endorphins.

For females

For females, the muscles in the vagina and anus may contract roughly once per second, for around five to eiht times. Heart and breathing rates may increase.

Before and during an orgasm, the vagina may become wet, and it may even ejaculate this fluid. Research suggests the percentage of females who ejaculate can range from 10–70%.

Directly after an orgasm, the clitoris may feel more sensitive or uncomfortable to touch.

For males

For males, the muscles in the penis and anus may contract around once every second, between five to eight times. Heart and breathing rates may increase.

The penis may release around 1–2 tablespoons of semen. People may not ejaculate during an orgasm, but both usually occur simultaneously.

Directly after an orgasm, the head of the penis may feel more sensitive or uncomfortable to touch.

Orgasms can help people to sleep better. Research from 2019Trusted Source finds that orgasms achieved with a partner resulted in good sleep outcomes. Orgasms achieved through masturbation resulted in better sleep quality and reduced the time taken to fall asleep.

The body releases a hormone called oxytocin during an orgasm. Oxytocin may have a variety of health benefits, such as:

In addition, there is some evidence that frequent ejaculation in males might reduce the risk of prostate cancer. ResearchTrusted Source finds that healthcare professionals diagnosed prostate cancer less frequently in those who had high ejaculation rates.
There are many different types of orgasms, some of which are detailed below:

  • Clitoral orgasm: This is when an orgasm occurs due to stimulation of the clitoris. A 2019 article notes that 60% of female orgasms occur due to clitoral stimulation.
  • Vaginal orgasm: This is when an orgasm occurs vaginal stimulation. The American Psychological Association states that vaginal orgasms are related to the indirect stimulation of the clitoris during sex.
  • Blended orgasm: This occurs when clitoral and vaginal orgasms occur together.
  • Anal orgasm: Some femalesTrusted Source experience orgasms during anal sex.
  • G-spot orgasm: An orgasm can occur as a result of stimulation of the G-spot.
  • Multiple orgasms: A person can experience a series of orgasms over a short time. Masters and Johnson note that females have a shorter refractory (recovery) period, which allows them to experience multiple orgasms in a shorter period of time.
  • Imagery-induced: Orgasms can occur as a response to imagery without physical stimulation. Research from 1992Trusted Source states that orgasms can occur as a result of self-induced imagery. Newer researchTrusted Source from 2016 notes that mental imagery activates the brain regions connected to orgasm, reward, and bodily stimulation.
  • Nipple orgasm: A person may reach an orgasm due to stimulation of the nipples alone. Stimulation of the nipples can activate the part of the brain that also activates with genital stimulation.

The above list is not exhaustive, and research is ongoing regarding the types of orgasms people can experience.

Can males experience multiple orgasms?

According to a 2016 literature reviewTrusted Source, males can experience multiple orgasms.

However, this is not common. Less than 10% of people in their 20s and less than 7% of those age 30 or over can experience them.

The researchers note two types of male multiple orgasms: sporadic and condensed.

Sporadic multiple orgasms will have intervals of a few minutes. Condensed multiple orgasms consist of two to four orgasmic bursts in the space of a few seconds to 2 minutes.

More research is required to understand what factors can affect a person’s ability to experience multiple orgasms.
The following description of the physiological process of female orgasms in the genitals will use the Masters and Johnson four-phase model.

Excitement

During female stimulation, either physically or psychologically, the blood vessels within the genitals dilate. Increased blood supply causes fluid to pass through the vaginal walls, making the vulva swollen and wet. Internally, the top of the vagina expands.

During this phase, heart rate and breathing quicken, and blood pressure increases. Blood vessel dilation can lead to the person appearing flushed, particularly on the neck and chest.

Plateau

As blood flow to the introitus (vaginal opening) reaches its limit, it becomes firm. Breasts can increase in size, and increased blood flow to the areola causes the nipples to appear less erect. The clitoris pulls back against the pubic bone, seemingly disappearing.

Orgasm

The genital muscles, including the uterus and vaginal opening, experience rhythmic contractions around 0.8 seconds apart. The female orgasm typically lasts longer than the male orgasm, at an average of around 20–35 secondsTrusted Source.

Unlike males, most females do not have a recovery period and so can have further orgasms with repeated stimulation.

Resolution

The body gradually returns to its former state. Swelling reduces while the pulse and breathing slow.

The following description of the bodily process of male orgasms in the genitals uses the Masters and Johnson four-phase model.

Excitement

Male stimulation, either physically or psychologically, can lead to an erection. Blood flows into the corpora (spongy tissue running the length of the penis), causing the penis to grow in size and become rigid. The testicles draw up toward the body as the scrotum tightens.

Plateau

As the blood vessels in and around the penis fill with blood, the glans and testicles increase in size. In addition, thigh and buttock muscles tense, blood pressure rises, the pulse quickens, and the rate of breathing increases.

Orgasm

Semen enters the urethra by a series of contractions in the pelvic floor muscles, the prostate gland, the seminal vesicles, and the vas deferens.

Contractions in the pelvic floor muscles and prostate gland also force the semen out of the penis in a process called ejaculation.

Resolution

The male now enters a temporary recovery phase. This is the refractory period, and its length varies from person to person. It can last from a few minutes to a few days, and this period generally grows longer as a male ages.

During this phase, the penis and testicles return to their original size. The breathing may be heavy and fast, and the pulse will be elevated.

Orgasms typically occur as part of a sexual response cycle. They often take place following the continual stimulation of erogenous zones, such as the genitals, anus, nipples, and perineum.

Orgasms occur following two basic responses to continual stimulation:

  • Vasocongestion: This is the process in which body tissues fill up with blood, swelling in size as a result.
  • Myotonia: This is the process in which muscles tense, including both voluntary flexing and involuntary contracting.

According to a 2017 articleTrusted Source, people can experience an orgasm from stimulation other than in the genital area, such as the ears or nipples. Even mental stimulation can produce an orgasm.

Orgasmic disorders can lead to distress, frustration, and feelings of shame, both for the person experiencing the symptoms and their sexual partner.

Although orgasms occur similarly in all genders, healthcare professionals tend to describe orgasm disorders in gendered terms.

Female orgasmic disorders

Female orgasmic disorders center around the absence or significant delay of orgasms following sufficient stimulation.

Doctors refer to the absence of having orgasms as anorgasmia. This term can either refer to when a person has never experiencedTrusted Source an orgasm (primary anorgasmia) or when a person who previously experienced orgasms no longer can (secondary anorgasmia). The condition can occur generally or in specific situations.

Female orgasmic disorders can occur as the result of physical causes, such as gynecological conditions or the use of certain medications, or psychological causes such as anxiety or depression.

Male orgasmic disorders

Male orgasmic disorder (male anorgasmia) involves a persistent and recurrent delay or absence of orgasm following sufficient stimulation.

Male anorgasmia can be a lifelong condition or one that happens after a period of regular sexual functioning. The condition can occur generally or in specific situations.

Male anorgasmia can occurTrusted Source as the result of physical conditions such as low testosterone, psychological conditions such as anxiety, or through the use of certain medications such as antidepressants.

Premature ejaculation

Ejaculation in males is closely associated with an orgasm. Premature ejaculation, where a male ejaculates sooner than they would want to, is a common sexual complaint.

Premature ejaculation may be due to a combination of psychological factors such as guilt or anxiety and biological factors such as hormone levels or nerve damage.

The importance that society places on sex — combined with our incomplete knowledge of the orgasm — has led to several common misconceptions.

Sexual culture has placed the orgasm on a pedestal, often prizing it as the only goal for sexual encounters.

However, orgasms are not as simple or as common as many people would suggest.

In a 2016 studyTrusted Source, 14% of women under the age of 35 had never experienced an orgasm from sexual intercourse. The same study reports that 9% of women surveyed, regardless of age, had never experienced an orgasm from sexual intercourse.

Other data in the study reported that only 38% of young women usually had an orgasm during intercourse, while 43% reported infrequent orgasms.

In the United States, as many as 1 in 3 males 18–59 years old report having problems with premature ejaculation at some point in their lives.

Research has shown that orgasms are also not widely considered the most important aspect of a sexual experience. According to the Kinsey Institute, reports of sexual satisfaction from both males and females were more likely when they experienced:

  • frequent kissing and cuddling
  • sexual caressing from partner
  • higher sexual functioning
  • more frequent sex

Another misconception is that penile-vaginal stimulation is the main way for people to achieve an orgasm. While this may be true for many people, many more females experience higher sexual arousal following the stimulation of the clitoris.

Orgasms can occur in many ways. Orgasms do not necessarily have to involve the genitals, nor do they have to link with sexual desires, as evidenced by examples of exercise-induced orgasm.

Another common misconception is that transgender people cannot orgasm after gender reassignment surgery.

A 2018 studyTrusted Source looked at the effects of gender affirming surgery (GAS) on orgasm.

In participants who had undergone GAS with penile inversion vaginoplasty and then had sexual intercourse, 55.8% reported their orgasms to be more intense than before the surgery. Of the participants, 20.8% reported no difference.

A 2014 study focused on 97 people who underwent single-stage metoidioplasty. The researchers found that none of those who had the surgery had any problems achieving an orgasm.

Johns Hopkins states that achieving an orgasm is possible after phalloplasty.

The journey to an orgasm is a very individual experience that has no singular, all-encompassing definition. In many cases, experts recommend avoiding comparison with other people or preexisting concepts of what an orgasm should be.

Orgasms can be different for each individual and do not only occur through sexual stimulation.

People of all genders can have orgasms, and transgender people can orgasm after gender affirmation surgery. Orgasms can release endorphins, which may cause an increased feeling of relaxation or happiness afterward.

People of any gender may also experience orgasm disorders, such as premature ejaculation or an inability to orgasm. If people have any concerns regarding their orgasms, they can speak with a doctor or sex therapist.

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How to Ask for What You Want in the Bedroom

by CARLEIGH FERRANTE

As someone who writes and talks about sex regularly and openly, I still find it to be one of the most difficult topics to bring up in a relationship. Why is it so hard to ask for what we want sexually? Learning how to talk about sex with a partner isn’t something we’re taught in sex ed (not like it’d be nice to know that sex is pleasurable for women or anything).

Psychologist and sex and dating coach Myisha Battle said that while “our culture tells us that talking about sex ruins the organic or spontaneous nature of sexual desire,” her experience with her clients has shown that this is certainly not the case. A healthy sex life is crucial for a healthy relationship, but what that looks like is different for everyone, which is why it is so important to have open and honest communication with your partner about your wants, needs, and desires.

Why are we so afraid to speak up about our sexual pleasure?

“Women are taught in society that speaking up for any reason is a negative,” said Dr. Kryss Shane, LSW, LMSW. “Women are also taught that wanting or enjoying sex makes a woman less desirable (it’s why terms like slut and whore are considered insults). When you put these teachings together, it’s no wonder a woman can feel fear in speaking up about wanting sex or wanting something specific during sex!”

“Many women are taught that the needs of others are more important than their own, and some are taught that sex is to please their partner,” said Dr. Rachel Needle, licensed psychologist. “For many, sex is a taboo topic even with their romantic partner(s).”

Many of us are afraid that if we bring up what we want, the other person won’t want it too, and they will ultimately then reject us because of it. Battle said “part of it is being vulnerable and part of it is practice.” The more we work on being open about sex with our partner, the more natural it will start to become. “You just have to keep doing it in small ways, and little by little, over time, it does get easier,” she explained.

Battle explained that when people “gather the courage and the strength to talk to their partners about what they really want, they are opening up for someone to actually give that to them.” And actually, “when they are at their most vulnerable is when they receive the biggest benefit.” In her practice, Battle often works with couples who haven’t had sex in months or have been having difficulty in that area, but when they have the conversations they’ve been avoiding, it actually opens up some of that “erotic energy,” and they start having sex again. Feel like talking yet?

How to start talking to your partner about sex

Discover what you want

The first and most important step in communicating your desires is knowing what they are. If you don’t have a clear vision of what you want, how are you going to ask for it? If we have the confidence and assuredness in our needs, we’ll likely bring people into our life who are going to meet those needs or at least be open to hearing them.

Lead with the positives

Battle advised talking about any must-haves as early on in the relationship as possible and to provide feedback early on as well. Her advice is to lead with positive reinforcement. “If your partner does something that you like, make sure you express it to them,” she said, going on to say that some people even like a “debrief conversation” after sex to talk about what they liked and what they want to do next time.

“Approaching a long-term partner about sex can cause them to wonder if they’ve left you dissatisfied in the past,” Shane warned. “When approaching them, be mindful that they want to make you happy and they may have their own insecurities.”

Use foreplay as a time to talk or talk during sex

Certified sex therapist and clinical psychologist Dr. Kristie Overstreet recommended using foreplay as a time to talk, saying that you can “make it light and airy to test the waters.” I’m a big proponent of talking during sex too. If you like something, speak up in the moment.

You can even guide your partner with non-verbal cues if you are hesitant to say it out loud, like your body language or sounds. “If they are doing something you like, moaning can help your partner know you’re happy,” Shane explained. “If you want something different, place your hand over theirs and show them while continuing to kiss or rub on them so that it becomes a bit like ‘follow the leader’ without it being ‘here’s what you are doing wrong.’”

Turn to movies, television, or podcasts for inspiration

Overstreet and Shane suggested referencing a television show or a movie if you are nervous to come out and say exactly what you want. You could even tell your partner you read an article or heard something on a podcast and ask them what they think about it. “You don’t have to ask them if they’ve done it before,” Overstreet said. You can simply ask them if they’ve ever thought of it or if it sounds interesting to them.

Keep your overall communication healthy

Overstreet explained that in her experience, “couples that work on keeping their bond tight and healthy can bring this stuff up in the moment” and that it really depends on the type of relationship you are in. If you are often nervous to bring things up even after a long time together, you may need to do some deeper work on your communication in general.

However, Shane warned to be understanding that your partner might not know how to do this either. “Remember that everyone grew up being taught things about sex and everyone has insecurities about their bodies and whether they are a pleasurable partner. By considering your needs and your partner’s, everyone can decrease the stress and increase the fun.”

Ask about each others’ fantasies

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: We need to start embracing our sexual fantasies. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that your partner likely has a fantasy they have always thought about trying but have been too nervous to bring up. Step up to the plate and ask them to share it with you. Asking about it doesn’t mean you have to do it (unless, of course, you want to!), but it does open up the door for them to ask you about yours too.

It is never too late to start these conversations with your partner. Do the inner work, figure out what you want, be open about it, and lead with positivity. And remember, communication goes both ways. If your partner brings up something they want, listen, ask questions, and be open to hearing from them too. Battle said these conversations are a great opportunity to “flex our communication skills and to practice being open in the interest of getting what we want.” And the way I see it, good sex is worth a difficult conversation. Needle said it best: “And what’s the worst that can happen? Because the best could be pretty damn good!”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why You’re Not Enjoying Oral Sex & What To Do About It

By Psalm Isadora

If you don’t like oral sex, you’re not alone. A lot of women have a hard time relaxing during oral. Below are a few common reasons you might not enjoy oral sex. The good news is, the challenges can be addressed if it’s important to you.

1. That type of stimulation just isn’t interesting to you.

Some people just don’t enjoy that tongue-on-clit feeling, and that’s totally OK! You might be someone who prefers more manual stimulation (fingers are much firmer and less slobbery!), vibration from toys, or penetrative intercourse. There’s no such thing as “normal” when it comes to sex—you like what you like. If there’s something you don’t enjoy, you don’t need to force yourself to enjoy it. Find the things you do like and focus on doing those things.

If it’s important to you, you and your partner can always explore trying out different types of oral sex techniques just in case there is a form of oral sex that does get you off. (Here’s our guide on how to give passionate oral sex. You may also enjoy incorporating tantric yoni massage.)

2. You’re self-conscious.

Some women don’t enjoy oral sex because they are uncomfortable with their vagina and just feel anxious when someone comes face-to-face with it.

It’s possible you’ve never consciously thought about how you feel about your vagina and vulva, but poor genital self-image can definitely make it harder to enjoy sex and even have orgasms. Especially when it comes to oral sex, you need to love your yoni for you to be able to fully lean into the pleasure. That means learning to love its shape, size, color, and smell.

Try to begin to see oral sex as a form of worship. Allow your partner to worship you as the goddess you are.

How to love your vagina.

It can be helpful to get to know the beautiful diversity of what different people’s vulvas look like. (The vulva is the external visible part of your genitalia, which includes the opening to your vagina, which is the internal tract. Most people’s self-consciousness is actually related to their vulva’s look and feel.) Don’t compare yours to porn star vaginas. Porn stars often bleach their skin and sometimes undergo surgical treatments to make their labia smaller and their skin tighter. They’re not supposed to look realistic—they’re an exaggerated fantasy version of a vulva.

Take a peek at The Vulva Gallery to get more familiar with what vulvas can look like. Spoiler alert: There’s no one shape, size, or color!

You might also benefit from grabbing a hand mirror and spending some time looking at your own vulva. Consider reciting mantras of love and empowerment while you do this, or simply send love to your vulva as you look at it.

How to feel confident going into oral sex.

Before you engage in oral sex, see if you can start to get some of your sexual energy flowing through your body. One way to do that is through my OYoga workout. The moves were created to activate your sexual energy. If you want to start small, try this simple OYoga move: Stand with your feet hip-distance apart and put your hands on your hips. Make micro-circles with your hips in both directions. As you do that, squeeze your Kegel muscles to really pump up your sexual energy. Add in hip tilts—front and back—to really get your juices flowing.

During oral sex, practice breathing into orgasmic feelings. As your partner is going down on you, try some tantric breathing techniques to keep yourself grounded and focused in fully on the pleasure, instead of getting distracted by being self-conscious about what you look like or smell like, or what your partner thinks of giving you oral. When you get to the edge of climax, breathing deeply will help you push the orgasmic feelings through your mind and body. Let the breath out and let it all go.

3. It’s an intimacy issue.

Oral sex is way more intimate than penetrative intercourse, so it’s possible that your inability to enjoy oral sex stems not from issues with receiving cunnilingus but instead from underlying issues in your relationship to the partner performing it on you.

A few questions to ask yourself:

  • Do you only feel this discomfort and anxiety with oral sex?
  • Can you enjoy other forms of sex?
  • Do you see control issues manifesting in other areas of your life?
  • How comfortable do you feel with this partner performing oral sex on you?

Start exploring the potential emotional and psychological reasons you might not enjoy oral sex. I once had a client who was only able to enjoy extremely rough sex, and she didn’t enjoy oral either. For her, sex was a way of numbing out an overactive mind and past trauma. It was hard for her to relax and receive. She ultimately ended up getting divorced from that partner and found that she didn’t have any sexual intimacy issues with her next partner, who was a better match for her in and out of the bedroom.

Be honest with yourself and with your partner about what is going on in the relationship. Your sex life is a reflection of your romantic life. If things aren’t going right in your relationship, it’s hard to make it right in the bedroom.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Queer people have mastered sexual friendships

— and it’s time you straights caught on

Allow me to impart some wisdom upon the cishet masses.

By Ian Kumamoto

I’ve slept with most of my friends. I mean that literally — I’ve shared a bed and cuddled with nearly all of them. I know who likes to be a little spoon and who prefers to be a big spoon; I also know how loud each of them snores. On top of that, I’ve made out with a good chunk of them, given oil massages to some and had full-on sex with others. To me and many other queer people, this shit is normal. Physical, sometimes erotic, touch, is an integral part of many of our friendships. From what I gather, sexual friendships still pretty uncommon outside of the LGBTQ community — what’s this all about?

To be fair, for straight identifying people, there’s an entire culture built around an obsession with sex and what it means to have it. Non-queers seem terrified of being “friend-zoned,” which is lackluster way of saying that someone they think owes them sex doesn’t want to sleep with them. I want to avoid broadly generalizing — especially since gay men are stereotyped as sex-crazed and outlandishly promiscuous — but these constructs that I describe are very real. When my straight friends have sex with each other, I am always sure of one thing: They either feel like they have to end the friendship or they decide to get into a long-term monogamous situation. But what if neither of those options serve them?

Whenever I see these friends face this dilemma, I want to scream into the void. It doesn’t need to be this way. By thinking that they need to choose between cutting off a friendship or ascribing more meaning to it purely because there’s sex involved, they’re robbing themselves of all the glorious nuance that can exist in a physically intimate friendship.

I’m just going to say it: Queer people are better at navigating sexual grey areas. Could non-queers learn a thing or two about friendship from us? I asked some experts to help me dole out some sage advice on fostering a sexual friendship without all the drama. Here are a couple of things to keep in mind.

Sex doesn’t have to be the defining factor of your relationships

Mainstream American culture has taught us that physical intimacy outside of our family has to be sexual. Something as simple as kissing a friend will get most Americans flustered, where in many cultures around the world, kissing on the cheek or even holding hands is devoid of sexual meaning. Not here, where we draw the line at chest bumps and where “no homo” became the mantra of a generation.

Queer Americans, broadly speaking, have been able to free ourselves of those constraints. “The queer community formed as a community precisely because they were prohibited from touching each other. They came together to touch each other,” Thomas Roach, a professor of philosophy and cultural studies at Bryant University and author of “Friendship as a Way of Life,” tells me. In the U.S., queerness was criminalized for a long time and many queer people still experience rejection from their families.

For that reason, friendships became a primary source of physical touch as well as a means of survival. Sex still matters, obviously, but it’s peripheral to the strong emotional bonds we have to forge with others in our community. “One salient aspect of queer friendship is that sex is not necessarily the fulcrum around which a relationship turns. Sex is not necessarily the make or break of a queer friendship, nor is it the great definitional divider of friend versus lover,” Roach tells me. “Friendship is formless, amoeba-like, and can be invented from A to Z. Unlike romantic relationships and marriage — which are overburdened with cis-hetero courtship rituals and scripts — friendship is ours to create. And queers have been incredibly innovative in this regard!”

When we let go of the idea that friendships are inferior to romantic and monogamous relationships, we can start to expand the possibilities of what we want our friendships to look like. Sometimes, that can involve sex.

I found a great amount of truth in Roach’s observations: My most intimate and freeing relationships are with queer friends and the same time, none of them are strictly defined by sex (or the lack thereof). If I do have sex with a friend, it’s almost a way of showing them how much I love them as a friend. I realize that this is completely counterintuitive to how most heterosexual people are taught to navigate the world, but in the absence of scripts, my most authentic emotions have been able to thrive.

Strong friendships come from a shared understanding of the world

Roach also points out that recent history has proven the importance of queer friendships. From Stonewall, to the AIDS crisis to the Pulse nightclub shooting, queer people are constantly reminded that we are not beloved by all. This feeling of shared estrangement creates a foundation for deeper connection and might explain another phenomenon among us: we are generally much better at staying friends with our exes. That’s because we’re also more likely to have shared identity-affirming experiences outside of the romantic relationship itself — maybe our former partner took us to our first gay club or they taught us how to have safer sex.

The future of friendships looks pretty queer

Thinking about the intimacy of queer friendships also got me thinking about the future of friendships in general. As queerness becomes less stigmatized and the need for LGBTQ-specific spaces disappear, will queer friendships lose thier spark and start to resemble heterosexual ones? Will we even have anything to bond over down the line, once we have all our rights?

Maybe, or maybe not. But I doubt that we’ll have to grapple with this question in our lifetime. “As much as queerness has become more mainstream, there is so much anti-trans legislation circulating at this moment in time,” Ariella Serur, a queer dating coach, tells me. “There is still an epidemic of violence against trans folks, particularly trans women of color, so non-stigmatization still feels far away for the LGBTQIA+ community as a whole.” She’s right.

As long as there are attacks against anyone in our community, friendship is likely to remain the foundation of our culture. Instead of thinking about the heterosexualiztion of queer friendships, a more likely outcome, I hope, is that there will be a queering of heterosexual friendships. A staggering 15% of Gen-Z identifies as LGBTQ, more than any generation before it. I can’t help but feel that more people are realizing the limitations of a label as reductive as “straight” and looking for a way out.

Queerness frees us up to express ourselves in infinite ways. It also allows us to see physical touch as a means, rather than an end. “If there’s anything to celebrate about the modern LGBTQ community, and if queer culture has anything significant to contribute to the long history of intimacy rites and rituals, it’s an inventive ethics of queer intimacy,” Roach tells me. “It’s an ethic that can yield great pleasure and deep love.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Not in the mood?

Study reveals how couples communicate when desire is low

by Blake Eligh

A new study from U of T Mississauga pulls back the covers to reveal how couples communicate when it comes to sex and desire.

The study by psychology researcher Rebecca Horne, co-authored with colleagues at UTM, York University and Carleton University, looks at how regulate expression of sexual desire, and what effect these tactics have on relationship well-being.

A Vanier Scholar and Ph.D. researcher, Horne studies how couples resolve through sacrifice, when one person gives up their own self-interest or for a partner, and what effect this has on the relationship.

Her ongoing work is a longitudinal study of the sacrifices couples make when relocating for the sake of a partner’s job. But, as Horne notes, partners make sacrifices for each other every day, including during our most intimate moments.

“The domain of sex is a primary area where couples can have these conflicts, and where sacrificing might be really important, especially because it’s a sensitive and vulnerable context for a lot of people,” Horne says.

According to Horne, regulating expression of desire is one form of sacrifice that we may make for our romantic partners.

“Romantic partners often regulate their emotions and affection to achieve certain goals, but we wanted to know more about how partners regulate their expression of sexual desire during sex and its implications for couples’ well-being,” she says.

Horne notes that we might regulate our emotions to achieve goals in everyday social interactions, like smiling at an annoying boss for the sake of workplace harmony or job retention.

In a romantic relationship, this could take the form of expressing fondness and warmth to a partner that’s not really in line with what we’re feeling in the moment, or hiding feelings of sexual disinterest from a partner or pretending to be more into a sexual experience than we really are.

These tactics might be employed to smooth over the kind of momentary blips in desire caused by a bad day at work, fatigue or distraction in the moment.

“These are ways that we modify our self-interest, presumably for the benefits of our partner,” Horne says, noting that research shows this happens as much as three times a week in a typical romantic relationship.

“We may think we are interacting authentically with our partners, but we do these regulatory strategies in subtle ways.”

But, as Horne notes, the result is a disconnect between what we are feeling inside, and what we are showing on the outside.

Dialing up desire, dampening disinterest

For the study, the researchers surveyed 225 couples, most in heterosexual long-term romantic relationships, to track the link between regulation of desire and relationship . Respondents kept individual 21-day diaries that tracked intimate relations, levels of desire and individual feelings of well-being and satisfaction.

The results showed people engaged in two kinds of primary regulatory tactics when desire was low: amplification of desire and suppression of disinterest.

Amplifying desire is about exaggeration to cover for low interest in sex. That could take the form of erotic talk, caresses or even faking an orgasm.

Suppression of disinterest is another common tactic, employed when a partner hides the fact that they’re not really interested in the experience, either in the moment or overall.

Horne says that a partner may conceal that they have lost interest during sex if they are fatigued or distracted, or if their partner isn’t attending to their sexual needs in the moment.

“When we use these strategies, we’re trying to change the way that we express emotion or desire to somebody after that emotion or desire has already been elicited,” Horne says. “These strategies can be really challenging because there’s a tension between what we’re feeling inside and what we’re showing when we’re not interested.”

Regulation and authenticity

“Not all sexual regulation strategies are created equal,” Horne says. “Even though they both involve altering expression of desire to our partner, they differ in outcome.”

Sexual authenticity appears to be the driver here. Those who employed these tactics reported feeling sexually inauthentic, which predicted lower satisfaction, both sexually and in the relationship.

“We found that there are drawbacks to these behaviors,” Horne says. “Our work suggests that both partners feel less satisfied with their sex lives on days when one partner amplified or exaggerated expressions of desire.”

The story is a little bit different for suppression tactics.

Those who hid their lack of desire reported feeling sexually inauthentic and detached from their own satisfaction, but it wasn’t always detrimental for their partners, who may have been convinced they were interested and engaged in the moment.

While suppressing disinterest can lead to in a partner’s higher satisfaction, it can undermine one’s own feelings of satisfaction.

“These things happen during sex, and they have implications for our satisfaction,” she says. “When we regulate these displays, it feels sexually inauthentic.”

Honest and clear communication

While all respondents reported engaging in regulation tactics occasionally, Horne says it’s important to notice if it becomes part of a pattern.

Being attuned to our partners while balancing our own sexual needs can circumvent the conflicts that might lead to regulation strategies, and can amp up satisfaction for both partners.

“If things aren’t feeling right during sex, you could try to reroute, or have an open conversation about the things you like and don’t like,” Horne advixes.

“Honest and clear sexual communication is really important, and seems to have more benefits for satisfaction.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex in the Senior Years: Why It’s Key to Overall Health

Lovemaking isn’t just for the young — older people gain a lot of satisfaction from amorous relations as well.

But things get complicated as people age, and many folks let this important part of life drift away rather than talk about sexual problems with either their partner or their doctor, experts told HealthDay Now.

“Not many people talk about sex with their doctors, especially as we age,” said Alexis Bender, an assistant professor of geriatrics with the Emory University School of Medicine, in Atlanta. “So many people do report sexual dysfunction on surveys, but they don’t when they’re talking to their doctors. And so it’s important to have those conversations with primary care physicians.”

It’s worth discussing. A healthy sex life brings many benefits to seniors, experts say.

Sex has been linked to heart health, as well as overall mental and physical health. “It’s definitely an association, and it’s positive,” Bender said.

For example, lots of beneficial biochemicals are released by the body during sex, said HealthDay medical correspondent Dr. Robin Miller. These include DHEA, a hormone that helps with cognitive function, and oxytocin, another hormone that plays a role in social bonding, affection and intimacy.

“Having sex is a really important part of overall health and happiness, and people that have it, they live longer,” said Miller, a practicing physician with Triune Integrative Medicine in Medford, Ore.

Sex can actually get better as you get older, Miller added.

“For instance, for men, they can control their ejaculation better as they get older,” Miller said. “Women aren’t worried about pregnancy once they go through menopause, so they’re freer.”

Unfortunately, aging does complicate matters a bit when it comes to sex, Bender noted.

“For both men and women, we see changes in physical health such as diabetes or cardiac conditions that might limit desire or ability to have sex,” Bender said. “Activity decreases with age, but interest and desire does not, for both men and women.”

The changes wrought by menopause and andropause also can affect the sex lives of older men and women, Miller said.

Continued

“For women, vaginal dryness is a big issue. With men, it’s erectile dysfunction,” Miller told HealthDay Now.

Luckily, modern medicine has made advances that can help with these problems. Hormone replacement therapy can help women with the physical symptoms of menopause that interfere with sex, Miller said, and men have Viagra and other erectile dysfunction drugs.

“The story of Viagra is very interesting, actually,” Miller said. “In 1998, they were experimenting using it as an antihypertensive. What they noticed was when they were experimenting with these men, when the nurses arrived to check on them they were all on their stomachs, because they were embarrassed since they had erections.”

“That’s when they realized this was a much better medicine for erectile dysfunction than high blood pressure, and that’s made a big difference for men,” Miller continued.

Women can take Viagra as well, “but women don’t like the side effects. Men don’t really like them, either, but they’re willing to put up with them,” Miller said.

“What I found is for women that you can use Viagra as a cream on the clitoral area,” Miller said. “I call it ‘scream cream.’ You can get it made up at a compound pharmacy. It works like a charm. You still have to wait 40 minutes like men do, but there’s no side effects, and it works, especially for women who are on antidepressants, who have trouble reaching orgasm. It really is very helpful.”

So help is out there, but seniors will have to get over their hang-ups and talk to their doctor to take advantage of these options, the experts said.

“Sex and sexuality are taboo in our society,” Bender said. “Especially for women, sex is highly regulated and talked about at an early age, and we’re really socialized to not be sexual beings.”

Miller said, “I think it’s generational. Some Baby Boomers have a hard time talking about sex. My kids don’t have any trouble talking about it. I bet yours don’t either.”

Women also face practical problems when it comes to finding a sex partner, particularly if they’re looking for a man, Bender said. Women outlive men, so the dating pool shrinks as time goes on, and men tend to choose younger partners.

Continued

Through her research, Miller was surprised to learn that many women just give up on the search.

“Even though I think it’s important to have a healthy sex life and healthy partnership, a lot of women don’t want to reengage in partnership as they get older,” Miller said. “They’ve been married. They’ve taken care of people for a very long time. They’ve taken care of their husbands and their children. And they just say, I don’t want that anymore. I’m happy to sit and hold hands with someone, but I don’t want to get into a relationship again. And so that kind of challenged some of my generational thinking about what relationships mean over time.”

More information

The Mayo Clinic has more about good sex and aging.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Putting the Sexy in Safe Sex

Experts have long been calling for education programs to include the pleasures of sex. A new meta-analysis looks at the effects of doing so.

By Hannah Docter-Loeb

There’s a Crucial Component Missing From Most Sex Education Programs

“Don’t have sex, because you will get pregnant and die,” goes a famous line from the 2004 film Mean Girls. The scene is a send-up of abstinence-only sex education, the dominant form of sex ed in the U.S. In it, North Shore High’s Coach Carr encourages a gym full of teenagers to refrain from sex altogether. “Don’t have sex in the missionary position, don’t have sex standing up. Just don’t do it, promise?” he says, before offering the class a plastic bin full of “rubbers.”

In a recent episode of Netflix’s Sex Education, the vibe is quite different. “You shouldn’t be shamed for having sexual desires,” says Maeve Wiley, a character who co-runs a sex therapy clinic at her high school to help peers with their sexual frustrations and problems. “You make sex sound terrifying, but it doesn’t have to be,” she says to a school official trying to preach abstinence-based education. “It can be fun and beautiful and teach you things about yourself and your body.”

Sex Education has been applauded for its sex-positive attitude, especially because programs that teach safe sex, whether to tweens or to adults, still often take a more Coach Carr approach. It’s not always easy to get people on board with the idea that sex ed should teach that sex is fun. In Rhode Island, state Rep. Rebecca Kislak recently introduced legislation that would require sex education to “affirmatively recognize pleasure based sexual relations.” The proposal was met with criticism earlier this month from lawmakers, teachers, and parents. One parent called it “disgusting.” It would certainly represent a shift: “When it comes to sex, it’s been an almost exclusive focus on the dangers and the harms that can happen,” says Anne Philpott, director of the Pleasure Project, an international education and advocacy organization that “puts sexy into safer sex,” as she puts it, by promoting pleasure-based education.

Putting the sexy into safer sex isn’t just fun. Playing up the positives of sex, à la the characters on Sex Education, can actually make people more likely to take precautions against sexually transmitted infections. Philpott has data to prove it, presented in a study titled “Incorporating Sexual Pleasure in Educational Sexual Health Programs Can Improve Safe Sex Behaviors,” published Friday in the journal PLOS One. The study is a collaboration between Philpott and the Pleasure Project team, in conjunction with researchers at Oxford, the Case for Her, and the World Health Organization’s Department of Sexual and Reproductive Health and Research.

Philpott and her colleagues analyzed past studies that looked at pleasure-inclusive sexual health interventions around the world from 2005 to 2020. Pleasure-based sex education can take a number of forms, but at its core is devoted to normalizing sexual activity and teaching individuals that sex is supposed to (and should) be an enjoyable experience. “Programs that deal with pleasure are going to be more comprehensive and provide, in addition to conversations about pleasure, skills around communication, negotiation, and refusal,” Leslie Kantor, professor and chair of Rutgers’ Department of Urban-Global Public Health, explains.

Philpott’s team cast a wide net at first, screening thousands of experimental research studies on sexual and reproductive outcomes of sex intervention programs. “We then had to trawl through all of that and narrow it down to all the abstracts that were experimental trials and then look for any of those that were pleasure-inclusive,” as defined by the World Association for Sexual Health in its 2019 declaration. There weren’t many. Just 33 unique interventions fit the pleasure criteria and measured the impact on sexual health outcomes.

Out of the 33 interventions, the research team narrowed its focus to eight studies that reported condom use as an outcome. These studies tested the effectiveness of many different sexual interventions, from sex education in Brazil’s public schools to community-based HIV prevention workshops in Atlanta. After analyzing the data from all eight studies, the team found that pleasure-based programs had an overall moderate, positive, and significant effect on condom use—that is, the sex-haver was more likely to use one—in comparison to interventions that did not also teach about the role of pleasure in sex.

“This study helps support the idea that a focus on pleasure is correlated to sex that’s less risky,” says Rosara Torrisi, founding director of the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy, who was not involved in the work. “Correlation doesn’t mean causation. But it’s a great place to start and keep exploring.”

The meta-analysis backs up what experts have long been arguing about pleasure-based education methods: that they can provide students with a feeling of autonomy around sex. According to CUNY Graduate Center’s Michelle Fine, who was one of the first to recognize the missing discourse way back in 1988, centering pleasure is “the portal to entitlement,” as it allows individuals to have control over their sexual decisions and sexual experiences. “It’s a way to envision how can I engage this sphere of social life in a way where I have a voice, I have opinions, I have choice, I can control, I can say yes, I can say no, I can say who,” she says. “If you don’t engage desire, all you’re left with is fear or victimization, and those are very vulnerable positions.”

When people feel comfortable discussing their wants, they are more likely to broach the topic of safety measures. Teaching people to articulate “what they’re interested in and whether or not they liked what’s happened previously, that’s pleasure-based and skill-based,” Torrisi says. It can open the door for people to have conversations with their partners “around how to actually have safer sex.”

Fine, who was also not involved in the study, pointed to the study’s sample diversity as an indication that pleasure is a broadly useful component of sex ed. Participants in the programs the researchers analyzed varied in age, nationality, and structural vulnerabilities they had experienced, she noted. “This heterogeneity adds to the robust findings that an incorporation of pleasure/design into sex education projects has positive effects on learning, attitude, and behaviors.”

>And Philpott hopes that her work will lead to more funding for pleasure-based education. “Not only does this mean we have more real conversations about sexual health and sex education, but it actually makes those interventions more effective and more cost-effective,” she explains. She hopes that an increased focus on pleasure-based interventions—the pleasure wave, as she calls it—will only get stronger. “For a long time we’ve been advocating for the why we need to do this, and now with the evidence, we need to move to the how, and get people to the next stage.”

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Enjoying Sex, One of Life’s Not-so-Simple Pleasures

by Brittany Foster

“There were nights of endless pleasure. It was more than any laws allow.”

Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” is a classic. As I sang along, I couldn’t help but wonder, what kind of sex is Celine Dion having, and where can I sign up? One of life’s greatest pleasures is pleasure itself, but why can this sometimes feel impossible to achieve?

Living with a rare disease can feel like a hindrance to achieving an orgasm. Emotional dysregulation, physical pain, and loss of libido frustratingly complicate that toe-curling and back-arching feeling of whole-body bliss.

Although I am still wondering what the secret is to having those “nights of endless pleasure,” I have learned more about myself and my body in the last few years, which has helped strengthen my ability to have an orgasm. I’ve learned the importance of listening to my body, respecting and trusting my physical cues, and getting in touch with myself.

Some days, it is easier for me to ignore my body. Listening to it would mean that I have to acknowledge the hurt and pain. There was a long period of my life when I chose not to listen to my body. I was afraid of admitting when things felt too painful. I distanced myself from my body, and that strategy seemed to work. Ignorance was bliss until it wasn’t.

Numbing myself physically and emotionally just created a larger disconnect between my body and mind. This distance doesn’t help when it comes to physical pleasure and sex. Eventually, I started paying attention to how my body felt in the moment. Focusing on the most sensitive areas helped me to be present and created less distance between my body and mind.

Not only is listening to my body helpful when it comes to achieving powerful orgasms, but trust and respect are equally important. Trusting and respecting myself are half the battle. With rare disease and chronic illness, it is not uncommon to feel upset at my body for being so untrustworthy. My body is inconsistent, deceiving, and unpredictable.

If these were qualities of a partner, it would feel toxic. Instead of focusing on these inconsistencies, I’ve found it helpful to practice gratitude for the things my body can do every day, even if it’s a small victory. When it comes to pleasure, it’s necessary for me to have self-confidence and appreciation for what my body is capable of.

Mind-blowing orgasms can’t happen without communication. For me to communicate what my needs are, I first have to understand them myself. Getting in touch with myself and my physical desires has made a difference in the way I talk about my needs with a partner. It has given me confidence to speak up, which is something I have always struggled with.

Self-exploration is vital when it comes to pleasure. I have experimented with different lubrication, pressure, speeds, temperatures, textures, vibrations, and more. What feels right in one moment might not be suitable for another. Making time for myself and learning about my body are forms of self-care that shouldn’t be so shameful to talk about.

I may not be at the level of “nights of endless pleasure” yet, but I have had hours of it broken up into multiple rounds. Sexual pleasure does not always come easily, especially for those living with rare and chronic illness. I have had to shorten the disconnect between my body and mind, learn to trust that my body was capable of more, and had to explore what felt right.

Even though I am living with a rare disease, I still deserve to enjoy one of life’s simple pleasures: pleasure itself.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!