Month: October 2023

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How It Feels To Go On A First Date After A Long-Term Relationship

By Rachel Barker

It’s easy to feel guilty throwing yourself back into the dating scene after a long-term relationship.

We’ve covered that before for both men and women, break-ups can be a source of trauma. Our ability to recover from a break-up depends on how we engage with the negative feelings associated with losing our other half.

Diving into hobbies, finding rebounds, focusing on a career, etc. These can be helpful in the short term to immediately forget about the feeling of loss. Maybe to protect ourselves we make it a mission to find someone else to replace them first. That way we get to win the break-up (spoilers, there is no “winning” the break up). Whatever gets us there, actively dating will eventually end up back on the cards for most people.

How does it feel to get back into the dating game?

I can only speak from my own experience, and for me, I felt guilty. I didn’t understand at the time why I ended my first relationship, all I knew was that at that time, I needed space.

This is true for a lot of people, as psychologist Guy Winch noted in his viral TED Talk, break-ups can shape our perception of events. We can be given the perfect, most truthful answer for why we fall out of love with someone, or why they stopped loving us, but our brains will continue to try and rationalise it.

I did a lot of the classic stuff you would do after a break-up. Dove into work and study, had plenty of bad sex, had a Radiohead phase, you name it.

A huge challenge I had getting back into dating was truthfully, respecting myself. I found out my ex at the time had started dating a few short months after we broke-up. I felt angry, jealous, ashamed. All those feelings of the break-up just resurfaced irrationally.

Re-opening Tinder, I felt an immense amount of pressure to cater to other people’s needs, be available for them 24/7, and be very unproblematic. I was the Jimmy Fallon of a Tinder date.

In retrospect, thanks to having such little self-worth, I obviously wasn’t at the right stage to get back into dating.

This sentiment is echoed by Pricilla Martinez, a life coach, who told Refinery29: “If you’re choosing to start dating again after a long break, make sure you’re doing it because you feel ready. If you’re trying to fill the void left by a previous relationship, chances are you’re going to bring the accompanying baggage along with you”.

Does dating someone new help you get over your ex?

It’s a common rom-com trope to suggest a recently broken-hearted person to just “get back out there”, although it’s heavily contended if this actually helps soothe heartbreak.

While a fling can re-spark our lives if we’re down in the dumps, the truth is, our past relationships will also shape how we date in the future. If we haven’t spent time working on ourselves, considering our needs, how we can communicate them, working on setting boundaries and respecting our partners, then odds are we might get caught in a cycle.

Moraya Seeger DeGeare, licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, author of Refinery29’s Can We Talk column, and in-house expert at Paired, says it’s important to have other routines and hobbies just for yourself to keep you grounded. “Understand your self-worth and know you’re a whole human being,” DeGeare explains. “This person isn’t making you whole, this person is enhancing things in your life.”

What is the minimum time you need to wait before dating someone?

No matter when you decide to get back into dating after a break-up, odds are, everyone is going to have an opinion on it. It’s unavoidable, and the only thing you can do is make sure that it’s the right time that you need.

Of course, dating someone within a few weeks of ending a long-term relationship is going to have a lot of people giving you the side-eye, and if your ex hears about it, it will likely hurt them.

You also don’t want to be the person on a date who won’t stop comparing their ex to the new person.

In their book, Chamin Ajjan, a sex and relationship therapist and author of “Seeking Soulmate: Ditch the Dating Game and Find Real Connection” said that dating with the goal of finding a new partner when you have unresolved feelings is selfish. She explains that, “if you are not over your ex and you are dating someone new, comparison is inevitable. The person you are now dating is in a losing battle, because it’s common to idealise your ex instead of looking at him or her realistically.”

Julie Spira, dating expert and digital matchmaker, told the Washington Post that dating others to “rebuild self-esteem” is only a short-term solution for one party. “The new relationship can end up as a temporary high, or ‘love drug’ to help you heal, but unless you’re 100 per cent available, you will get stuck in that comparison game.”

In short, there is no minimum amount of time. Your responsibility to your ex ends once your relationship does. However, you do have a responsibility to future partners to be open and honest about your intentions with them.

Will dating again be hard?

Absolutely.

Being single can be a blessing in disguise, and offers you plenty of opportunity to get to know yourself.

There will be a lot of trial and error. You’ll fall in love with the idea of someone, you’ll have your heart broken, and you’ll make an idiot of yourself, telling your friends about this new perfect person, only for them to turn out to be a dud in a few weeks. But each experience will be important, and no life experience will be empty.

You’ll learn more about your needs, your wants and what works for you only through learning what doesn’t. You’ll grow bolder, more confident and in time, slowly come to rationalise and accept that break-up that might still be haunting you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Scheduling sex can help partners struggling to get intimate.

— If that’s stifling, try setting erotic time zones instead.

By Serafina Kenny

  • Some people don’t want to have sex as much as, or at the same times as, their partner.
  • Sexologist Shamyra Howard said “erotic time zones” have helped her clients.
  • Erotic time zones are times in the day when you’re more likely to initiate or say yes to sex.

Couples therapists often recommend partners schedule sex when they’re struggling to get it on, but sexologist Shamrya Howard said setting “erotic time zones” can be less restrictive and keep a bit of spontaneity alive.

An erotic time zone is a period of time when you are most likely to feel desire or want sex, according to Howard, a licensed clinical social worker and AASECT-certified sex therapist. They can be useful when partners don’t want sex at the same time, whether that’s because of work schedules or hormone cycles.

For example, if one person wants to have sex at 5pm, their partner might reject them if they tend to be more ready for sex at 11pm — so, telling each other when you are most likely to say yes to sex can help both parties know when’s a good time to initiate.

Plus, Howard said, knowing when your partner’s ETZ is gives you both a chance to flirt with each other “to keep each other warm, until it’s time to heat each other all the way up.” The more you flirt, the more aroused you’ll be, which makes sex better — especially if you have a clitoris, Howard said, because it increases blood flow to the genitals, making orgasm more likely.

Howard told Insider the best ways to establish erotic time zones, and how they can help to lubricate things in the bedroom.

Erotic time zones can help couples experiencing a ‘desire discrepancy’

A “desire discrepancy” is where partners seem to want different amounts of sex or at different times, meaning they have less sex than one or both of them wants, Howard said.

Problems can worsen when one partner tries to initiate sex but gets turned down, leading to feelings of rejection, which could make them less likely to try in future.

By increasing the likelihood of sex, Howard said, erotic time zones can help initiating partners feel less rejected, because they know when they’re more likely to get an enthusiastic yes.

The best way to set up an erotic time zone is to just talk about it

“Most couples don’t talk about sex enough,” Howard said, so she encourages clients to “use their mouths” (not in that way — just yet).

“Everyone has a different sexual recipe for their relationships — certain things that turn you on, the things you do in bed, ways you like to have sex together,” she said. She encourages her clients to talk about this “recipe” as often as possible, and to include an erotic time zone in that chat.

She said the best way to maintain an erotic time zone is to talk as often as you can, because the times you will want to have sex will change, often based on things going on in your life, your mood and stress levels, and your health.

For example, if your ETZ is normally 9 a.m. but you know you have early meetings at work one week, you might tell your partner that it’s best to back off before breakfast for a while.

An erotic time zone doesn’t mean automatic consent

Of course, Howard said, just because someone has indicated that they are more likely to want sex during their erotic time zone, it doesn’t mean that they will always want sex at that time, so initiators still need to look for enthusiastic consent even during an ETZ.

“An ETZ does not mean you are obligated to have sex or that you should expect sex. It is just a way to manage a desire discrepancy in your relationship, not to automatically guarantee sex at a certain time.

“You still need to ask your partner if they are in the right space for sex, and what type of sex too,” she said. Couples might have multiple different erotic time zones for when they are more likely to want to practice kinks, as well as an ETZ for more vanilla sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Want To Spice Up Your Sex Life?

— Here’s How

By Krati Mehra

Long-term relationships are a beautiful part of our lives, but with the reliability and trust that comes with such intimacy, so too comes predictability. Like any aspect of a relationship, the sexual side of our relationships change with time, and what was once hot and heavy can be reduced almost to a habit or another chore to tick off the list.

As much as we need the security of steady love, we also like to feel attractive—like we’re still alluring enough to excite our partner, even after many years of companionship. More importantly, a healthy and fulfilling sex life is integral to the emotional and physical bonding between partners.

When the sexual aspect of a romantic relationship hits a slump, spicing things up in (or outside) the bedroom can help rekindle that old flame.

Why it’s important to prioritize a fulfilling sex life

Prioritizing a fulfilling sex life is not simply about caring for different relationship aspects; Satisfying sex establishes a synchronicity between two individuals. It guards the shared trust and understanding, ensuring the longevity and resilience of the romantic bond.

Results of a study1 published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin indicate that the shared moments of passion, even ones limited to cuddling, kissing, and caressing, create deep feelings of love and affection.

“A healthy and fulfilling sex life helps create a deep emotional connection, nurtures intimacy, and builds a unique bond that is both private and profound,” explains psychology expert and life coach Bayu Prihandito, adding, “Couples who maintain a satisfying sexual relationship exhibit better communication, reduced stress, and a heightened sense of overall well-being.”

Research2 also shows that healthy sexual relationshipd create a safe emotional boundary for sharing desires, preferences, and concerns, leading to open and honest communication—another pillar critical for healthy relationships.

“Pleasure and orgasms release oxytocin, the ‘love’ hormone, which not only bonds us to our partner but also reduces stress,” notes sex and relationship therapist, Leigh Norén. This biochemical process creates a positive feedback loop, enhancing trust in the relationship.

A satisfying sex life can also create a fertile ground for healthy conflict resolution, cementing and safeguarding the shared understanding and trust between the two people.

And, as confirmed by several studies 3, a satisfying sex life also enhances the health and wellbeing of both people. “Regular sexual activity can positively affect physical health, from improved heart health to reduced pain sensitivity,” psychiatrist and professor Ryan Sultan M.D. tells mindbodygreen.

How to tell it’s time to spice things up

Despite the impact that gratifying sex has on both individual wellbeing and the health of a romantic relationship, sometimes even the most loving relationships can fall into a sexual rut.

“It’s when sex becomes a routine rather than an exploration, a task rather than a joy,” remarks Prihandito. And this can happen for a number of reasons—lack of privacy, work or life stress, health issues, or a temporary shift in priorities—but a sexual rut can become an indicator of more significant problems when there is an underlying emotional disconnect or unaddressed conflict between partners.

“Sexual issues become red flags when accompanied by emotional withdrawal, lack of communication, or unresolved conflicts. Sex is often a mirror of the health of the relationship. If the reflection reveals disconnection or discontent, it’s a clear sign of deeper underlying issues that need your attention,” says Prihandito.

According to licensed marriage and family therapist, Veronica Cisneros LMFT, if a couple has always struggled with physical intimacy, or if there are resentment and unresolved conflicts negatively impacting the emotional connection, the bedroom problems may be symptoms of a more significant issue.

“A good way to determine this is if one or both partners are guilty of using criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling in times of conflict. These are what the Gottman’s call the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and they’re Gottman’s predictors of divorce,” she adds.

However, if the relationship is generally healthy, with both partners feeling emotionally connected, it may simply be time to revitalize their intimate moments.

Signs of a sexual rut

A sexual rut happens in most long-term relationships where comfort and familiarity can dull the sexual spark. Signs that it may be time to spice things up:

  • Complete absence of any and all sexual exchange between the partners
  • An increasing disinterest in sexual intimacy from both parties and lengthening intervals between sexual encounters
  • Post-sex, there is a sense of dissatisfaction, whether sexual, emotional, or physical
  • There is a lack of spontaneity. Like any other regularly scheduled chore, it happens on the same day of the week, at the same time, and in the same place, most probably the bedroom
  • Even as you get intimate, there is an emotional distance with little to no eye contact, shared laughter, tender attentiveness, and no lingering post-coital
  • The intimate experiences lack novelty. It’s the same position every time. The progression and pace are uninspired, leading to an encounter that feels almost scripted
  • You’re not fully present during intimacy, with your thoughts straying towards daily chores or future plans
  • You are having erotic fantasies about someone other than your partner
  • A decline in relationship satisfaction accompanied by a noticeable emotional distance
  • Sex happens not out of an active desire, but as an obligation or to keep up the facade of normalcy
  • Frequent reminiscing over past sexual encounters and longing to repeat the experience
  • No open, exciting discussions around sexual desires, fantasies, and needs
  • You feel unattractive and wonder if your partner is still invested in the relationship

How to spice up your sex life

Let’s dive into some creative solutions to spicing up your sex life. To some extent, each method requires stepping away from your comfort zone. However, the strategies are also respectful and suitable for a loving relationship.

1. Open and honest sexual communication

A 2019 study4 from The Journal of Sex Research shares that communication about sexual matters is vital to cultivating and maintaining a healthy sexual dynamic. Often, sexual issues happen because the couple is reluctant to openly express their sexual needs.

Sexual communication involves sharing sexual preferences and boundaries, desired sexual activities, and past sexual experiences. When partners are convinced they can safely talk about sex and related experiences, good or bad, with each other, it positively impacts sexual and relationship satisfaction.

“Make time to talk openly and honestly about your sexual desires, needs, and fantasies. Pay attention to any insecurities or fears you have about communicating. This open dialogue is crucial for understanding what you and your partner need to feel fulfilled in the bedroom,” Cisneros advises.

And as sex and relationship coach, and professor of sexual and relational communication Tara Suwinyattichaiporn Ph.D., notes, sexual communication can also help when age begins to interfere with performance. “Talking openly about desires and when they change can create a better understanding of each other’s sexuality,” she says.

2. Explore different positions

“Just like you add various spices to keep your meals exciting, you need to do the same for your sex life,” says Cisneros. Forget about missionary, experiment with different sexual positions—it will break the monotony and help you escape the sexual rut.

Certain positions can allow for deeper penetration, clitoral and prostate stimulation, and G-spot engagement, leading to heightened pleasure during sex. The more challenging positions will allow you to explore your partner’s body as if for the first time. This heightened physical awareness may also lead to renewed feelings of closeness and intimacy.

As you plan new positions to try, the vibe between you will shift. It will have an element of anticipation, excitement, and playfulness. It will go from routine to thrilling

3. Dive into the world of BDSM

To really shake things up and add new, intriguing layers to your relationship, try BDSM. Contrary to popular belief, research shows that those who enjoy BDSM are socially well-adjusted. BDSM also has a positive impact on relationship satisfaction.

It is an exciting way for partners to explore their limits and boundaries, venture into new sensual territories, and experience a level of physical and psychological stimulation that’s very different from what you get from traditional sexual activities.

Due to its nature, to indulge in BDSM, couples have to trust each other and communicate actively. There is an intentional vulnerability to BDSM, deepening the emotional connection between the partners. As you explore new fantasies, scenarios, and avenues of sexual expression, the romantic bond between the two people comes alive with excitement and a pulsing anticipation that can completely reinvigorate the relationship.

4. Try a new location

You can switch things up by having sex in a location other than the bedroom. For your next intimate encounter, consider booking a hotel room. You could also have sex in your car or in different places in your house.

For an added thrill, you can try sex in a public place. As long as you’re safe and not at any risk of getting arrested, the element of danger can make things very exciting.

5. Restart your relationship

Act as if you are once again courting your partner. Rekindle the sexual spark by returning to a time in your relationship when each day was about some new, exciting discovery. There was flirting, teasing, and the thrill of anticipation.

“At the beginning of a relationship, we passionately and intensely pursue our partners to attract them,” couples therapist Kimberlin Shepard, LMSW tells mindbodygreen. “If you once wore lingerie all the time, dig it back out! Plan date nights. Get all dolled up, go out to drinks, dinner, or a movie, and then come home and have steamy, hot sex,” she adds.

Engage in playful banter and give lavish compliments. Remind your partner that to you, there is no one more attractive. Rebuild comfort by showing physical affection and indulging in non-sexual touch.

6. Watch erotic movies together

“Taking inspiration from pornography or erotica can be a great way to spice things up,” says Norén. As you sit through an erotic movie, you will feel yourselves getting aroused, and as the film progresses, the sexual tension will escalate. When you turn off the TV, the tension will be released in an explosive, passionate, and fiery union.

7. Use sex toys

Studies indicate that using vibrators can enhance sexual satisfaction for both partners. For men, vibrators can also boost sexual performance, while for women, they make it easier to orgasm.

There are a variety of other sex toys available on the market that can enhance sexual experiences. The toys can be part of BDSM practices or role-playing scenarios. Apart from fun and excitement, planning the use of sex toys also leads to more focused sexual communication.

8.Try a sensual massage

Sensual massage can be a powerful tool to reconnect with your partner physically and, once again, explore their body with intent and focus. The stroking touch not only soothes but also stimulates.

Soft music in the background, sweet-smelling incense, dim lighting, and no interruptions can combine to create a sanctuary free from all stress and distraction, and suddenly, your world narrows to your partner and the pleasure you can share. As you massage your partner, it reminds you of how much you’ve always enjoyed caring for them, and you will be mentally relieving fond memories.

9. Play sex-related games

Bring fun back to your relationship through games focused on sex.

As you try to reestablish your sexual connection, begin with moments of friendship and shared laughter. It will remove all the stress and maybe even inhibitions if you’re playing strip poker or sexual truth and dare. You can also try couple’s cards, board, and dice games easily available on the market.

“Create small challenges or dares for each other to make it exciting. Ask your partner to identify things you are currently doing that drive them crazy in the bedroom. Ask them what feels good and what they want more of,” Cisneros advises.

10. Wear lingerie

A visual and tactical stimulant, lingerie can reignite passion in a relationship. It creates anticipation as it teases and tantalizes your partner.

Wearing lingerie can make you feel confident and alluring, making it easier to be bold and not only ask for what you want sexually but also deliver on your partner’s expectations. It is more than just a piece of clothing; It’s symbolic of your commitment to making things better and an invitation to a deeper sexual connection.

11. Practice spiritual sex

A way to completely step away from your usual practice is by combining sex with spirituality. It will enhance emotional and sexual closeness and elevate your connection to something sacred that demands respect and careful nourishment.

You can practice spiritual sex by cleansing the sexual environment. Begin by removing all clutter so energy flows freely, light incense to create positivity, use light colors for the bedding and, if possible, also for the walls and the decor. Let the natural elements, like sunlight and fresh air, enter the space.

Initiate intimacy by anointing each other’s bodies with oil. Make sacred vows and renew your commitment to each other. Indulge in mindful lovemaking with steady eye contact. Move at a slow, gentle pace. Touch each other with reverence. Together, these steps will add more emotional depth to the sexual exchange, forging an emotional bond that goes beyond the physical act of love.

12. Merge creativity and adventure with sex

Infuse elements of spontaneity, adventure, and novelty in your sexual moments.

Engaging in activities that raise adrenaline levels, like bungee jumping, roller coaster rides, or even workout challenges, can mimic the physiological arousal of sexual excitement, and when you experience them together, they increase the sexual attraction between a couple. Sex that follows such events is usually more heated and exciting.

Similarly, you can break the mold of predictability and routine through creative activities like sex paintings and by drawing temporary tattoos on each other’s bodies.

13. Try the sexual thrill of role-play

We all have characters we love and wish to emulate, which can be the key to adding some adventure and excitement to your sex life. As part of role play, we can assume a persona that either excites us or our partner, create exciting scenarios, and meet up with our significant other as if for the first time. When you shed your actual identity, you also leave behind your inhibitions and the stress that is so much a part of your daily life. Pretending to be someone else creates a sense of safety, allowing you to enact fantasies you’ve never shared with your partner.

This form of imaginative engagement helps partners see each other in a new light, discovering aspects of one another’s character that adds new dimensions to their sexual attraction. The thrill of being someone else adds to the sexual tension, making intimacy more charged and exhilarating.

14. Experiment with temperature play

Temperature play is an erotic practice that uses heat or cold to stimulate the body. It is a form of sensory play that introduces a variety of new physical sensations to sex. You can use heated oils, ice cubes, and massage candles. Specially designed toys are also available; these toys can be chilled or heated.

Switching from cold to hot can surprise the partner and stimulate nerves, increasing sensitivity. Such sexual play requires mutual trust, communication, and an open mind. These create a sense of shared adventure and exploration by leading the couple away from their comfort zones.

15. Combine food and sex

As part of foreplay, enhance the sensory experience by using edible items. Your items’ different tastes, textures, and aromas can stimulate the senses and add a layer of excitement and freshness to a sexual experience.

During the act, you can feed each other and experiment with temperature using chilled fruits or warm chocolate. You can also use edible underwear or paint. Such erotic practices encourage partners to be fully present as they engage with their partners and create some exciting new memories.

16. Create a sexual wish list

Create a list of sexual things, fantasies, kinks and experiences you want to explore. It can be anything from trying a new position, location, or toy to something more adventurous like role-playing, temperature play, or joining a nude retreat. The act of discussing and creating the list can be pretty arousing. It will improve communication and shift each partner’s perception of their relationship and each other. It will also introduce new and exciting possibilities for their future together.

On a more practical level, a sexual bucket list can serve as a roadmap that will create momentum and keep you going on this journey to a better sex life.

17. Try sensory deprivation

In sensory deprivation sex, by restricting one or more senses, you amplify the pleasure received from the senses that remain active. For instance, if you blindfold your partner and deprive them of visual stimulation, they’ll fully tune into their environment and what they can feel happening to and around their body. Every touch will be unexpected, heightening the thrill and anticipation. They will feel each whisper, kiss, lick, and stroke more intensely. While they’re blindfolded, you can also use objects like oils, feathers, or toys like vibrators to stimulate your partner. It will keep them on tenterhooks, trying to guess what will follow.

“It’s a journey of rediscovery, where vulnerability meets creativity, and intimacy is reimagined,” says Prihandito.

Through sensory deprivation, you can ensure your partner’s attention remains centered on you. Use tools like blindfolds, headphones, and restraints to limit your partner’s sight, sound, or movement, adding excitement to the encounter and fostering a deeper trust between partners.

18. Indulge in extended foreplay

Foreplay involves exploring your partner, expressing your desire for them, and building sexual tension, all adding more nuance to intimate moments. It is all about affectionate exchanges, sharing desires and fantasies, making out, and going only so far and no more. It prepares the body and mind and sets an emotional stage for a deeper sexual connection. This lazy exploration helps in understanding what excites and pleases each partner.

“Remember, not all forms of physical intimacy lead to sex, but they can create an atmosphere of sensuality. Cuddle, hold hands and exchange massages. This physical closeness can create a natural segue into sexual intimacy,” Cisneros tells mindbodygreen.

Extended foreplay can go on for days, whipping the partners into a sexual frenzy. It can include sexting, teasing with seductive lingerie, ‘accidental’ touches that are anything but, raunchy messages, and dirty talk. The couple can also indulge in erotic games. This prolonged phase of intimate interaction makes partners more receptive and responsive during the act. It allows you to savor each moment and revel in the undercurrent of attraction and arousal.

19. Establish a deeper emotional connection

“Strengthening emotional intimacy can enhance the connection in the bedroom,” says Sultan.

Repair your sexual relationship by rekindling your emotional bond. Make yourself vulnerable. Allow your partner to see into your heart by openly and honestly sharing your feelings, hopes, and dreams for their future as a couple. Invite them to speak their mind and share their feelings. Listen attentively and with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions to draw them out.

Show them appreciation for the love and laughter they have brought into your life. “Regularly expressing gratitude can create a positive emotional environment, which can be incredibly freeing sexually,” shares Cisneros.

You can even revisit your old haunts and recreate moments of emotional significance to your partner. Emotional closeness will allow for a more relaxed and intimate exploration of each other’s bodies and desires, leading to a more satisfying and adventurous sex life.

20. Work with a professional

If none of the strategies proves helpful or seems to not be to your taste or violate any of your boundaries, it is best to work with a sex therapist, counselor, or coach. It is especially helpful if your partner resists attempts to improve the relationship.

Besides providing tools, techniques, and guidance to repair your sexual connection, an experienced professional can help you identify if the sexual rut is pointing to a more profound relationship issue.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Alcohol Might Be Ruining Your Orgasm

— How much and how often you drink can affect your ability to climax during sexual activity.

By Catherine Pearson

Emma Schmidt, a clinical sexologist in Cincinnati, has lost track of the number of clients she’s seen for low libido and problems orgasming after they’ve first visited a doctor who advised them to “Just relax and have a glass of wine.”

That type of suggestion is not just dismissive, Dr. Schmidt said, but it highlights the gaps in our collective understanding about the interplay between alcohol and sex.

After years of contradictory findings, recent research has made it clear that even moderate drinking poses risks to your overall health. But the question of how alcohol affects sexual health — specifically, orgasms — can be a bit fuzzier.

“Society has long depicted alcohol as a crucial ingredient for romantic encounters,” said Catalina Lawsin, a clinical psychologist who specializes in sexuality. She added that people often mix sex and alcohol because it relaxes them and offers a sense of escapism — and because of a widely held belief that alcohol “elevates sexual prowess and pleasure.”

But the reality, she said, is much more complex.

What happens when you mix alcohol and sex?

“Essentially, there’s no research,” said Dr. Lauren Streicher, a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine whose work focuses on sexual dysfunction in women.

The data that does exist — much of it from rat studies or small, qualitative investigations — suggests a pattern: Small amounts of alcohol seem to enhance arousal and decrease sexual inhibitions, Dr. Streicher said, but large amounts can suppress arousal and delay or prevent orgasm.

To understand why, it helps to look at the specific processes happening in your brain when you drink.

Alcohol releases dopamine, said Dr. Regina Krel, an assistant professor of neurology with Hackensack Meridian School of Medicine, who described it as “the feel good neurotransmitter.” Researchers believe it helps control desire.

At the same time, alcohol enhances the effects of gamma-aminobutyric acid, or GABA, a chemical messenger that inhibits impulses between nerve cells, essentially slowing the brain down and making a person feel more relaxed.

“It does make you think, ‘Oh, I feel hornier!’” because it lowers inhibitions, said Laurie Mintz, an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Florida who focuses on human sexuality. “But the irony is that, in fact, it’s a central nervous system depressant.”

That means that alcohol has a dampening effect throughout the brain, Dr. Krel said, including in the prefrontal cortex (which is responsible for things like weighing consequences), the cerebellum (which controls coordination) and the autonomic nervous system (which regulates functions like heart rate and breathing).

Alcohol can hinder the brain’s ability to process sexual stimuli and coordinate muscle contractions, which are central to the orgasmic response, Dr. Lawsin added. “While it may contribute to relaxation and inhibition reduction initially, excessive consumption can interfere with the intricate processes that lead to the intense pleasure and satisfaction of orgasm.”

How much you drink matters.

The experts said that moderate drinking before having sex is usually OK. However, they also stressed that knowing whether alcohol will help lead to orgasm by reducing stress and inhibitions, or get in the way of orgasm by suppressing basic functions, has a lot to do with how often you drink and how much you drink on any given occasion.

Moderate drinking is usually defined in the United States as no more than two drinks a day for men or one drink a day for women. But the way alcohol affects you is determined by a host of factors, including genes, body size and composition, and your history with drinking.

Chronic, heavy use of alcohol has been linked to erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation in men, Dr. Mintz said. Research has also connected alcohol consumption to sexual dysfunction (persistent problems with sexual response, desire and orgasm) in women.

“There isn’t a magic number of drinks that applies to everyone,” Dr. Lawsin said, adding that excessive alcohol use can hamper the connection between partners, as well as impair decision making and the ability to consent to sex.

How to find help with orgasm issues.

If you are experiencing anorgasmia (which is delayed or infrequent orgasms, or no orgasms at all), your first step should be to reach out to a primary care physician or sex therapist who can help determine the root cause or causes and connect you to the right type of specialist or treatment, Dr. Schmidt said.

There could be one or a number of underlying issues affecting your ability to orgasm, including certain health conditions or medications, relationship problems and trauma, as well as your alcohol consumption.

Many primary care doctors, and even some gynecologists and urologists, do not have a specific background in sex medicine, so it can help to ask if they do, she said, and if they have any experience working with patients with anorgasmia.

If alcohol seems to be hampering your orgasms, ask yourself how and why you use alcohol around sex, Dr. Schmidt said, noting that mental health professionals and sex therapists can be a valuable resource.

Do you often or always drink beforehand?

“If someone is using alcohol as a way to be able to have sex,” she said, “or if they feel scared, ashamed or vulnerable having sex without alcohol, then we might want to explore more.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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To Understand Sex

— We Need to Ask the Right Questions

The answer to the question of how many sexes exist differs depending on the context

By Charles Roseman, Cara Ocobock

Sex is one of the major cultural and political fault lines of our time. Legislation aimed at regulating who may participate in different arenas of society, including girls’ and women’s sports, is being passed with some regularity. These legislative efforts tend not only to conflate sex and gender but also to jumble up biological traits such as hormone levels with behavioral/performance features such as sprint speed or jump height. Disputes arise in part from confusion and disagreement over what is meant by “sex.”

Within academia, disagreements about sex recently came to a head when the American Anthropological Association (AAA), the world’s largest professional organization for anthropologists, and the Canadian Anthropology Society (CASCA) removed a panel discussion entitled “Let’s Talk about Sex Baby: Why Biological Sex Remains a Necessary Analytic Category in Anthropology” from their upcoming annual meeting. The panel was submitted for review and initially accepted in mid-July. It was then removed in late September, following concerns in the anthropological community that the panel conveyed antitransgender sentiment and decrepit ways of thinking about human variation.

Both among the general public and in academia, the core argument boils down to the question of how many sexes exist. The tricky thing is that the answer to this question differs depending on the context. One perfectly accurate response is: “To a first approximation, zero.” The vast majority of life-forms—including bacteria and archaea—do not reproduce sexually. But if the question concerned the number of animal sexes present in a given tide pool or backyard garden, the answer would need to account for organisms that switch sexes, sometimes mate with themselves or switch back and forth between sexual and asexual reproduction. When we ask, “How many sexes are there in humans?” we can confidently answer “two,” right? Many people think sex should be defined by a strict gamete binary in which a person’s sex is determined by whether their body produces or could produce eggs or sperm. But when you are out and about in the human social world, are you checking everyone’s gametes? And what of the substantial number of people who do not produce or carry gametes?

We think the ongoing discussion about sex might benefit from a fundamental change in approach by turning the question around such that we ask, “If ‘sex’ is the answer, what was the question?”

The value of this approach becomes clear when you consider the long-running debate in biology over how to define species. One definition, the biological species concept, posits that species are groups of actually or potentially interbreeding organisms capable of producing fertile offspring. It is not universally applicable because, as noted earlier, most organisms do not reproduce sexually. It does, however, provide a framework for asking questions about how sexually reproducing organisms can evolve ways to avoid mating with organisms distinct enough that their offspring’s survivability or fertility would be compromised. This framework has led to a bounty of work demonstrating that speciation in organisms living in the same area is rare and that physical separation among groups appears to be a key component of evolving reproductive barriers.

We can extend this “ask questions first” framework to concepts about sex. When it comes to sexually reproducing organisms, several classes of questions fit nicely into a binary view of sex. Others do not. 

Binaries are indispensable when asking evolutionary questions about many sexually reproducing organisms. Sometimes the questions asked rely on a strict binary because that is the nature of the relevant existing data—for instance, data from historical and contemporary demographic reports. We have to appeal to a multiplicity of binaries, however, because sexual reproduction has evolved many times and in many different ways across the living world. Reproductive capacities in birds and mammals largely involve inheritance of different combinations of sex chromosomes, whereas in many reptiles, sex is determined based on environmental cues such as temperature.

Binaries start to fail us once we move into questions about how organisms live out their lives. This can be seen in the example of transgender athletes. Arguments revolving around including or excluding trans athletes often rest on notions of strict binary differences in hormone type and concentration that associate female individuals with estrogen and male ones with testosterone. This assumes testosterone is at the root of athletic performance. These hormones do not hew to a strict binary, however. Female and male people need both estrogen and testosterone to function, and they overlap in their hormone concentrations. If we are interested in how estrogen and testosterone affect athletic performance, then we need to examine these respective hormone levels and how they correlate with athletic outcomes. We cannot rely on gross average differences between the sexes as evidence for differential athletic success. Adherence to a sex binary can lead us astray in this domain of inquiry.

Further problems arise when we compare humans to other species. Some organisms are incapable of reproducing. Some that are capable may end up not reproducing. Others may alternate between reproducing asexually and sexually, and still others may switch sexes. Such organisms provide fascinating insights into the diversity of life. But when we refer to clown fish changing sex to emphasize the diversity of ways in which sexual beings move through the world, we risk losing sight of the issues of consent, autonomy, well-being and self-determination that form the bedrock of all dimensions of human health, sexual or otherwise.

As scientists who study evolutionary genetics and human physiological responses to extreme environments, we have a strong interest in understanding the varied presentations of features that we think of as being related to sex. The questions we ask about sex in our research are different from those used in a health context, such as practicing gender-affirming care through erectile dysfunction medication or pubertal hormones. Scientists like us would do well to embrace intellectual humility and listen carefully before deciding that any one definition of sex is useful for understanding the living world.

So, if “sex” is the answer, what is the question? This is not so clear, and we have no warrant to make authoritative declarations on this issue from a scientific standpoint that is uninformed by ethical, moral or social considerations. We are in good company here because sex encompasses such a range of questions that we doubt any one medical, scientific or humanistic practitioner would be able to come up with a question that encompasses all of the ways in which humans are affected by sex, however it is construed.

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What Is a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Relationship in Non-Monogamy?

— And can it actually work?

By Gigi Engle

One of the most interesting things about consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is its fluidity. These relationship structures are co-created by partners in order to establish a situation that works for them and their needs, which means that each CNM partnership functions in its own unique ways.

While CNM’s key tenants tend to emphasize openness, communication, and honesty, what this looks like for any given consensually non-monogamous partnership will vary. And for some couples in open relationships, that means not wanting to know anything about what their partners do (sexually/romantically) with other people. Like, at all.

Enter: Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Not to be confused with the hugely controversial US military policy that discriminated against the LGBTQ community until its 2011 repeal, a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) policy in consensual non-monogamy refers to the way partners communicate—or, rather, don’t communicate—about sexual or romantic experiences outside of their relationship.

DADT “is different from other non-monogamous agreements in that it prioritizes a lack of transparency between partners, which goes against the openness and honesty that is typically encouraged in non-monogamy,” says polyamory educator and sex positive advocate Leanne Yau, founder of Poly Philia. This means that partners agree to have sex with and/or date people outside of their relationship, but they don’t disclose those experiences to each other.

The question is: Can these arrangements work for people? And if so, how?

Let’s take a deep dive into what a DADT relationship really is, how it works, and any potential issues that can come up as a result of having an agreement like this—because, spoiler alert, such issues are, uh, not not a possibility.

What is DADT and how does it work?

As we’ve established, DADT means you’re allowed to have sex with people outside of your relationship, but you don’t talk about it with your primary partner. “[It is] a principle used by CNM people so that they can experience freedom from the typical monogamous expectation of sexual exclusivity, but without needing to make clear agreements or practices of transparency,” explains Joli Hamilton, PhD, CSE, a qualitative researcher who focuses on non-monogamy.

Cosmo’s ‘Navigating Non-Monogamy’ columnist Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and sex expert for Fun Factory, says it’s important to understand that this is *not* the same as cheating. While DADT does mean not telling your partners about the sex you have with other people, everyone is consenting to the arrangement. “Before you and your partner ever sleep with someone else, you have a sit-down conversation where you make it clear that it is acceptable to sleep with other people under certain circumstances,” Zane says. “And when you do sleep with other people, you do not tell your partner.”

For a DADT arrangement to work, all people involved need to be on board. This means that not only do the primary partners agree to it, but their outside partners also need to be aware of and consent to the DADT agreement. Informed consent is the only way to have ethical non-monogamous dynamics.

Can Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policies really function in a healthy way?

Basically, these agreements can work for some people…if they’re willing to communicate. This may seem paradoxical given that the whole idea of DADT is that you don’t share details with your partner. But in order for a DADT policy to actually work, clear negotiation is crucial. Hamilton says that without communication, the seemingly simple rule of “just don’t tell me anything” can get confusing pretty quickly.

The level at which non-disclosure functions will depend on your relationship boundaries. “A person might ask their partner that they don’t even tell them the basics, such as when they’re going on a date with another person—after all, ignorance can be bliss,” says Yau. “At the extreme end of DADT, a person might just want to pretend that they and their partner are monoamorous, and that there are no other people involved.”

Zane says that these arrangements tend to work best when sex outside the relationship is done sparingly, if one or both partners travels frequently, or if partners are long-distance. “Often, DADTs have a rule that you can only have sex when out of the state,” he explains. “This works well when one partner travels a lot for work. Additionally, the other partner won’t ever ‘run into’ the person their spouse slept with out of state, which can cause drama.”

What are the downsides of DADT arrangements?

Hate to break it to you, but these policies can certainly become problematic. This is especially true if the agreement requires lying about where you were or who you were with in order to avoid disclosing details of outside relationships.

“I think if you find yourself in a situation where you have to lie to your partner about what (and who) you did consistently, this will lead to problems,” Zane says. “Additionally, a partner can start to second guess their spouse’s whereabouts, which can make you become obsessive, resentful, and anxious.”

Basically, it comes down to how your agreement functions in your particular partnership. Surprise: DADT tends to cause issues if you’re using it to avoid the work of dealing with your feelings. “Non-monogamy requires significant emotional work, and avoiding that doesn’t solve the issue,” Yau says.

Hamilton agrees, saying that the lack of communication that is usually present with a DADT can leave couples feeling like they’re walking on eggshells, always unclear of the rules or if they might be breaking them. This can lead to some pretty precarious situations that can be very hard to overcome.

It’s all about intentions, right? If you have a DADT because you simply aren’t interested in knowing about your partner’s other sexual and/or romantic relationships, that’s one thing, but if you have a DADT to avoid difficult feelings, that could be a potential pitfall.

“There is a distinction between partners who don’t want to have that much information about each other’s partners because they simply aren’t interested to know, and partners who are doing it because they want to pretend that it isn’t happening and want to bury their heads in the sand,” Yau says.

If you and your partner want a DADT agreement, here are 3 ways to make it work

Have a crystal clear agreement

Relationship therapist Rea Pearson, a sex-positive BACP-accredited counselor and clinical sexologist, says that couples should literally sit down and write their agreement out. This gives everyone a chance to think through the details and set boundaries. “The agreement would include all the major rules and boundaries that are important to them, but can be reviewed and amended as time goes on. It might include areas such as whether sex is protected or not, and how often partners test for STIs,” she says. It may also include how often partners can see other people, how much time is allotted for other partners, and certain spaces that are off-limits, such as the shared home.

Consider *why* you want this

It’s important to spend some time honestly thinking about your intentions for wanting an agreement like this. Be willing to self-reflect. Hamilton says that she doesn’t encourage clients to enter into DADT agreements because it impacts their ability to grow together.

“If what you want is to be able to pretend that your partner isn’t who they are, I’d encourage you to consider what that will feel like in a year or five,” she says. “If you’re in a short-term situation, then consider if this is how you want to practice relating, because if you get used to making clear, explicit agreements with partners it becomes easier and easier,” she says. “If you practice DADT, you don’t give yourself that opportunity.” Essentially, a DADT can work in a short-term framework, but it rarely has legs to stand the test of time.

Be willing to renegotiate

Lastly, it’s important to understand that just because you have a DADT policy in your relationship doesn’t mean it will always work for you (and, in fact, they rarely do). CNM dynamics deserve to be interrogated. Couples should come back to the table regularly to revisit agreements that are in place and determine if they’re still working for everyone involved. Pearson suggests having a weekly check in. “By checking in regularly, [partners] are far more likely to recognize a problem early on and be able to tackle it before it escalates,” she says.

Being open and willing to change or alter dynamics allows consensually non-monogamous relationships to continue to exist in harmony. While a DADT agreement can work, endeavoring to move to a place of more openness and honesty is likely the best course of action if you want your relationship to, well, stay a relationship.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Sexual Health Matters

— An Essential Aspect of Overall Well-Being

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Regarding our overall well-being, it is crucial not to overlook sexual health. While physical and mental health often take the spotlight, we must not underestimate the importance of sexual health in maintaining a fully functional life. It impacts our physical well-being and plays a significant role in emotional stability. Therefore, prioritizing this aspect of our well-being is essential. In this blog post, we will delve into how good sexual health contributes to a healthier lifestyle.

1. Contributes to Longevity

Good sexual health can remarkably contribute to longevity. Regular sexual activity has been linked to an extended lifespan, promoting physical health in many ways. It works as a form of exercise, burning calories, and strengthening muscles, and it can also boost the immune system, helping the body fend off illness and disease.

Furthermore, it stimulates the release of endorphins and other hormones with myriad health benefits, such as reducing stress, improving sleep, and enhancing heart health. The doctors at Atlanta Men’s Clinic usually recommend regular sexual activity for their patients, which can significantly contribute to a longer and healthier life. Testosterone therapy, a treatment for low testosterone levels, is also known to improve sexual health and overall well-being.

2. Enhances Emotional Connection

Sexual activity can foster a deep emotional connection, especially with an intimate partner. During sex, our bodies release oxytocin, a hormone that promotes feelings of bonding and trust. This strengthens the bond between partners and helps improve overall mental well-being.

Moreover, regular sexual activity can boost self-esteem and confidence, leading to a more positive outlook. For individuals struggling with mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety, incorporating good sexual health practices can significantly impact their emotional well-being. It allows for a safe and intimate space to connect with another person, which can be incredibly therapeutic.

3. Prevents Sexual Dysfunction

Maintaining good sexual health plays a pivotal role in preventing sexual dysfunction. This is an umbrella term for conditions that prevent an individual from enjoying or participating in sexual activity. These conditions include erectile dysfunction, low libido, premature ejaculation among men, arousal disorders, orgasmic disorders, and sexual pain disorders among women.

Regular sexual activity can increase blood flow to the genitals, which can help prevent or alleviate erectile dysfunction. Moreover, maintaining a healthy lifestyle – incorporating exercise, balanced nutrition, adequate sleep, and reduced stress levels – can notably improve sexual performance and prevent dysfunction. Regular check-ups with medical professionals can also help identify and treat underlying issues.

4. Promotes Communication and Consent

Good sexual health practices also involve open and honest communication with sexual partners. Conversations about boundaries, desires, and consent can create a safe space for both individuals to express themselves freely. This not only leads to a more fulfilling sex life but also promotes healthy relationships.

Furthermore, being aware of one’s sexual health and practicing safe sex is crucial in preventing sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Regular STI screenings, protection, and vaccination can significantly reduce the risk of contracting or spreading infections.

5. Promotes Heart Health

Sexual activity serves as a form of exercise that promotes heart health. During sexual activity, the heart rate rises, increasing blood circulation throughout the body, including the heart itself, thereby strengthening the cardiovascular system. It also helps lower blood pressure, a key factor in heart disease prevention.

In addition, engaging in sexual activity releases hormones like oxytocin and endorphins, which can effectively alleviate stress and anxiety, thereby promoting heart health. Given that stress and anxiety are recognized as risk factors for heart disease, reducing these factors can significantly lower the likelihood of developing cardiac problems. Therefore, incorporating regular sexual activity into a well-rounded lifestyle can play a vital role in maintaining a healthy heart.

6. Improves Sleep Quality

Sexual activity has been linked to improved sleep quality due to the release of certain hormones. Post orgasm, the body releases prolactin, a hormone that contributes to feelings of relaxation and sleepiness. Moreover, the previously mentioned oxytocin, also known as the ‘love hormone,’ fosters emotional bonding and promotes better sleep.

This is because oxytocin counteracts the effects of cortisol, the stress hormone, thus helping the body to relax and enabling more restful sleep. Additionally, the physical exertion associated with sexual activity can contribute to better sleep, as it can help tire the body out, making it easier to fall asleep and stay asleep. Therefore, regular sexual activity can benefit good sleep hygiene, contributing to more restful and rejuvenating sleep.

Sexual health should not be overlooked when it comes to maintaining overall well-being. Incorporating good sexual health practices into our daily lives can improve physical, emotional, and relational well-being. Whether it is through regular sexual activity, communication, and consent with partners, or prioritizing medical check-ups, taking care of our sexual health can have a positive impact on our overall health and longevity. So, let us not underestimate the importance of sexual health and make it a priority in our self-care routines.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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3 Ways To Master The Psychology Of Enhanced Sexual Pleasure

By Mark Travers

Sexual satisfaction refers to the level of contentment, pleasure and fulfillment experienced during a sexual encounter. It is a complex and individual experience, influenced by a variety of emotional and psychological factors that extend beyond the physical act itself.

It is essential to recognize that sexual satisfaction is an ever-evolving aspect of the human experience and can be developed, nurtured and enhanced over time. Optimal sexual experiences are closely linked to relationship satisfaction and individual well-being. This has prompted researchers to examine the psychological qualities and practices that could potentially augment them.

Here are three ways to improve sexual satisfaction, according to research.

1. The Sensual Improves The Sexual

A 2020 study highlights the role of sensuality, which involves a heightened awareness of the five senses of touch, taste, sight, smell and hearing, in intensifying sexual satisfaction.

Other research suggests that “sexual mindfulness,” the practice of being fully engaged in the present moment during a sexual experience, can enhance pleasure, communication and emotional connection with a partner.

According to researcher Chelom Leavitt, sexual mindfulness involves slowing down and taking time to savor the sensations you and your partner are experiencing, instead of rushing the process and focusing solely on the end goal of an orgasm. For instance, focusing on your partner’s voice, their scent, the texture of their skin or how it feels to be held by them can help you become more fully immersed in the process.

Additionally, a 2021 study found that experiencing a “flow state” during sex results in greater sexual satisfaction for both partners. The flow state, often referred to as “being in the zone,” is a mental state of optimal performance and complete absorption in a meaningful activity.

Partners may be able to achieve flow by discussing ways to make their environment free of distractions. Flow also occurs when individuals have a clear understanding of the goal of an activity (which would be connection and presence during a sexual experience) and receive encouraging feedback through it, which could be facilitated through positive communication about how each partner is feeling in the process.

2. Let Curiosity Drive Sexual Experimentation

Curiosity and the power of imagination have also been linked to heightened sexual satisfaction, specifically for individuals with secure attachment styles. Researchers suggest that getting curious about sexual responses, needs, preferences and fantasies that you and your partner have can enhance your sexual experiences together.

Curiosity leads to experiencing greater intimacy. By asking questions and opening up to each other about sexual desires, partners can indulge their shared or individual erotic fantasies, experiencing both emotional acceptance and physical safety, which creates a more empowering and satisfying sexual experience.

According to a 2015 study, using your imagination even outside of the bedroom, such as simply daydreaming about your partner, contributes to feelings of love and connection, which can heighten sexual intimacy.

3. Come As You Are

A 2018 study published in Sex and Marital Therapy found that displaying authenticity, vulnerability and trust in a relationship has the power to transform sexual intimacy.

Researchers suggest that establishing trust involves partners being reliable, respectful and communicating openly about sexual preferences, boundaries, concerns and desires without facing judgment from either end.

Further, vulnerability lies in shedding pretenses and choosing to show one’s true self with a partner. Often, sex becomes an insincere performance, where we may be adhering to societal expectations of how to look and behave, which takes away from being authentically present and connected with oneself and one’s partner.

A 2019 study found that the perceived pressure to be perfect is linked to decreased sexual satisfaction. Breaking down mental barriers around sex then involves unlearning internal messages such as sexual desire as being shameful or solely functional and remembering that our needs matter too. This allows for authentic enjoyment and communication, where individuals can learn what their partners need and also allow themselves to receive love and pleasure.

Acceptance of one’s own body, desires and a positive self-image also contribute to a sense of confidence and comfort during intimate moments. Encouraging a partner’s positive self-perception further enhances the overall sexual experience. An emotionally supportive connection becomes the stepping stone to greater satisfaction in all facets of a relationship.

Conclusion

Sexual satisfaction is not just a physical experience, but an emotional one. Learning to cultivate mindfulness and emotional intimacy through curiosity, vulnerability and authenticity can help individuals let go of societal expectations and focus on enjoyment and genuine connection.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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My husband is 15 years older than me.

— Here’s what I wish I knew about age-gap relationships before we started dating.

The author and her partner.

By Brittany VanDerBill

  • My husband is 14 years older than me, and we started dating when I was 20.
  • I wish I’d known I’d lose friends because of the relationship.
  • We also had several awkward interactions with strangers as an age-gap couple.

When I started dating my husband back in 2007, we’d known each other for several years. Actually, his brother married my sister, which is how we met. That presents its own challenges, but we also have a 14-year age gap.

Our age-gap relationship brought its own challenges, too, although I didn’t really anticipate them when we first started dating. Here’s what I wish I knew about age-gap relationships back then.

I wish I knew some of my friends weren’t going to be supportive — and that I’d lose some

I was 20 and about to enter my senior year of college when my husband, Andy, and I first started dating. He was 34. Even though my friends knew he and I had known each other for years, most of them weren’t supportive of our relationship.

One so-called friend kept making jokes about how “old” he was. We didn’t stay friends very long. Another friend wasn’t quite so harsh, but she did express her concerns about our age difference. She and I message each other occasionally now, but we’re definitely not close.

There was only one friend from high school who was fairly supportive at first, taking trips back to our hometown with me so I could visit Andy. Eventually, though, she and I stopped hanging out as I got more serious about my relationship and spent more time with Andy.

Making new friends would be difficult as a couple because we were in different age groups

Part of being in your 20s usually means big changes, such as graduating from college and getting a job in the “real world.” Looking back, I’m sure growing apart from my college friends was just part of life — it wasn’t all because of my relationship.

But as I graduated from college and moved in with Andy after about eight months of dating, I quickly realized just how different our friends’ life stages were. My old friends were still working part time or partying (or both) after I moved away from college.

Meanwhile, Andy’s friends were in their mid-to-late 30s with stable jobs or farming careers, and most of them had small children. Since I basically had no friends in our area, we would sometimes hang out with Andy’s friends and their spouses on weekends. But that wasn’t fun for me, as they’d all known each other for years and were roughly the same age.

Plus, we’d chosen not to have kids. So, I couldn’t — and honestly didn’t want to — relate to their wives’ conversations about the struggles of pregnancy and raising children. They were all nice people, but I just felt really out of place with that group. For a long time, we really didn’t have any shared friends, and that was hard.

Age-gap relationships come with some awkward moments

These days, I think our age gap is slightly less noticeable now I’m in my 30s. But when I was 20, and we were first dating, there were some awkward moments due to assumptions from other people.

For example, Andy’s cousin’s young child once outright asked if I was Andy’s daughter at a family gathering. Another time, at a local store, some old acquaintance of Andy’s asked some weird questions about how I was doing in school. It took me a minute, but I finally figured out he assumed I was Andy’s daughter.

Both situations were awkward — for everyone.

I wish I had known earlier that age-gap relationships get better with time

It could have been helpful to know that I’d grow apart from friends, at least in part because of my relationship with an older man. And being prepared not to have many friends for a few years after getting married would have been helpful, too. But I also wish I’d known that our relationship would get even better and stronger over time despite those initial challenges.

Today, we’ve found friends that we both like and can relate to. Andy has kept in touch with his friends, and now that their kids are much older, it’s more enjoyable for me to hang out with that group once in a while. And thankfully, no one has asked whether I’m Andy’s daughter in several years.

So at 14 years of marriage and counting, I think we’re doing pretty well.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The book on erotica

— Sharing erotica stories can be a way for older couples to rekindle the romantic spark.

By

Many adults continue to enjoy active sexual lives well into their 70s and beyond. However, it’s common for couples to fall into ruts. One way to spice things up — and perhaps strengthen your relationship in the process — is to read erotica together.

“Reading and listening stimulates your largest sexual organ: your brain,” says Dr. Sharon Bober, director of the Sexual Health Program at Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. “Reading erotica as a couple creates a safe environment to communicate desires and explore fantasies together. You are allowing yourself to go to an exciting place that feels outside your comfort zone, and it can be a wonderful way to break up your bedroom routine.”

What’s in a name?

Erotica is not the same as pornography. Whereas pornography is primarily visual and not very creative, erotica can be more evocative and verbal and allow you to participate mentally and emotionally.

“Erotica is about stimulating sexual desire through storytelling, imagery, fantasy, and language,” says Dr. Bober. “It’s about setting a mood and slowly building a response. Ultimately erotica is focused on building arousal and anticipation.”

How should couples begin to explore erotica? Dr. Bober says the first step is to broach the topic with your partner. “It’s rarely a good idea to suddenly surprise your partner with something that might feel a little uncomfortable or outside of one’s regular comfort zone,” she says. “Phrase it in terms of how it’s something you want to try together and ask your partner whether this is something they would be interested in. And ask your partner to share their thoughts about it.”

For instance, say, “I want to find ways to reconnect that feel good for both of us, and here is something that might be fun to explore together. Is it okay to talk about it?” You can slowly approach the topic without intimidating your partner by asking for permission. “In this way, erotica can feel less taboo and something more normal, fun, and healthy to try,” says Dr. Bober.

Checking out a reading list

Next, choose erotica to sample together. Erotica is more popular than ever, and older adults have become a growing demographic. Nowadays there now are many erotic novels, erotica-focused websites, and short story anthologies available that cater specifically to older adults. (You can find a wide editorial selection with a general Internet search and via websites for publishing houses and booksellers.)

“One aspect of the erotica experience can be discovering different types and styles together to see what you both enjoy or find interesting to explore,” says Dr. Bober.

She suggests beginning by reading a short story together. “Have one person read aloud, or take turns, or just read to yourselves and then share your response,” says Dr. Bober. “Short stories are ideal because if it’s something you or your partner don’t find stimulating or interesting, you can go to the next one.” Another option is to listen to an erotic audiobook or podcast together.

Keep in mind that it may take time to find something you both enjoy. “Be patient and don’t get discouraged if nothing clicks right away,” says Dr. Bober.

As you become more comfortable, sharing erotica can carry over to your sexual relationship, but don’t force it. “Erotica can be used as foreplay or just something enjoyable you share together without any expectations,” says Dr. Bober. “Have fun with it and see where it takes you.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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TikTok is talking about sex dry spells.

— So, how do you get out of a slump?

Sex slumps happen. Here’s how to reconnect.

By Anna Iovine

So, you haven’t had sex in a while. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, no sex can be troublesome — and with social media showing everyone’s highlight reel, you can feel like you’re the only one. The good news is, you’re absolutely not; TikTok has over 35 million videos related to “dry spells,” for example. And, luckily, there are steps you can take to help. Mashable spoke to three experts about what to do if you’re in a sex slump.

Why do dry spells happen?

There’s a slew of reasons why sex slumps or dry spells occur, including individual, medical, and relational reasons, said sex therapist, expert for sex toy brand LELO, and author of Becoming Cliterate, Dr. Laurie Mintz. For instance, medications like SSRIs can decrease interest in sex, as can physical and psychological reasons, like pelvic pain or depression. Sexual pain is often a hidden driver of a slump, she said; sex shouldn’t hurt, so if it does, see a doctor.

Issues like being too busy, chronic stress, insomnia, and body image issues can also lead to a lack of sex. Within relationships, anger and resentment (whether large or small), or feeling either disconnected or too connected (like siblings) can as well, Mintz continued. Other issues like sexual boredom and not enjoying sex can result in sexual disinterest, too.;

“To understand the reason for a dry spell it’s important to understand that our sex life is a very sensitive creature, which responds to what is transpiring in our lives in general,” said Julia Svirid, in-house sex coach at sex education platform Beducated. Unresolved issues like those mentioned above, as well as mismatched libidos or desires, can lead to a dry spell.

On the other hand, dry spells can occur even if there’s no issues in the relationship. If you have a lack of free time or are experiencing a major life change — like moving or having a baby — that can contribute to the lack of sex too.

Take a moment to admit you’re going through a dry spell and miss sex, said Svirid. “There is nothing wrong with you,” she said. “Single people experience sex slumps all the time too.”

Ask yourself what’s stopping you from having sex. Here are some questions Svirid offered:

  • Did you have negative sexual experiences in the past, and now you are afraid of being intimate?
  • Are you unsure where or how to find a partner?
  • Have you forgotten how the “sex game” works because you have been out of it for so long?

Whatever the reason, Svirid said, addressing it can help you move forward.

You don’t have to do this work on your own; professionals like sex therapists can help you. “If underlying issues persist, it’s advisable to consider sex therapy or consult a healthcare professional for medical concerns,” said sexologist at Bedbible Rhiannon John. “Therapy can be beneficial for both individuals and couples, depending on the underlying issues, and it can provide support through medical challenges as well.”

John also advised prioritizing self-care to reduce stress and enhance your overall well-being. This includes getting enough sleep, movement, and nutritious foods, and maybe even some meditation.

Don’t forget to masturbate, either. Mintz recommends reading, watching, or listening to erotica to get your interest going. Invest in your pleasure with sex toys and lube; you don’t need a partner to enjoy those!

“Take time to explore your own desires and fantasies through self-pleasure or self-discovery,” John concurred. “This can be through masturbation, or through sexual mediums such as erotica, or ethical pornography.”

How to get out of a dry spell if you’re partnered

Communication is always the first step to solving a couple’s sexual problem, said Mintz. Talk about it outside the bedroom. Here’s a script she provided:

I want to talk to you about something that’s a bit scary to discuss. However, I love you and want our relationship to be the best it can be and so I am bringing this up. I’ve noticed that we haven’t been having sex as much lately. Our sexual relationship is important to me, and I want us to figure this out and work on it.

Then, talk about the reasons the dry spell may be occurring, whether they’re specific to your relationship (i.e. resentment) or not (i.e. stress). Once again, you may find a therapist (general or a sex-specific therapist) helpful to work out issues. If therapy is inaccessible, there are other educational resources out there like books — such as Mintz’s — and sites like Beducated.

“Both partners should be willing to make changes and put in some effort,” said Svirid.

Make sex a priority by committing time and energy to it. Mintz suggested scheduling sex — it may take away the spontaneity, but it can assure you and your partner will get some sexy time in, and it can build anticipation. You may find that you’re too tired to have sex at night; do so in the morning or afternoon if possible.

If you have children, perhaps you can find time to have sex when they’re at an extracurricular activity or with their grandparents. Hire a babysitter and instead of going out to dinner, book a hotel room, Mintz said.

Try new things, be it toys, kinks (if you’re both into that), or erotica — especially if boredom is the main reason behind the slump. Let go of what sex “should” look like, be it spontaneous or penis-in-vagina, and instead focus on each other and your pleasure.

But don’t forget emotional intimacy, either. John recommends scheduling date nights or other intimate moments that allow you to reconnect on a deeper level. This will strengthen the emotional bond between you two. There are other ways to maintain intimacy besides sex, as well. “Even if sex is less frequent, continue to nurture emotional intimacy through cuddling, hugging, and affectionate gestures,” said John.

“The most important thing,” Svirid said, “is to be honest with each other and for both of you to be willing to make changes.”

Understand that sex slumps are normal, Svirid continued, and not having a ton of sex doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or your relationship. Mintz said the sooner these issues are addressed, the better, however, so issues don’t snowball.

“If you expect your sex life to always remain the same, no matter what, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment,” Svirid said. Just as you and your partner will change as individuals over time, so will your relationship and so will your sex life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Are Aphrodisiacs Worth Trying?

— A complementary approach to improving libido

By Anna Giorgi

Aphrodisiacs include food, drinks, or drugs used to increase your libido or sex drive. They may also improve your performance or increase your pleasure during sex.

While some substances can impact your body, research often fails to prove their effect on desire. Others can have harmful or even lethal results. It is also thought that the increased libido you feel from these items may be tied to the placebo effect rather than physical changes.1

This article describes why people use aphrodisiacs and whether there is proof they work. It also includes foods, herbs, and other items that are thought to affect sexual desire.

Reasons People Use Aphrodisiacs

The reasons people use aphrodisiacs vary by individual. Generally, people hope to make sex more enjoyable by increasing their sexual potency and performance.
The motives people have for using aphrodisiacs typically include the following:2

  • Increase libido: Low libido can cause a decreased desire and interest in sex. Your libido is affected by internal and external factors such as hormonal changes, aging, relationship problems, changes in physical conditions, medication side effects, and depression, among other issues. Research suggests that sexual dysfunction (problems that prevent a person from enjoying sexual activity) affects 43% of women and 31% of men.3
  • Extend potency and stamina: Potency and stamina can affect your ability to become and remain aroused during sex. Men may seek aphrodisiacs to counter issues such as erectile dysfunction (ED) (the inability to achieve or maintain a penile erection) and premature ejaculation (ejaculation during sex before satisfaction). For women, problems with potency and stamina may be linked to issues such as vaginal dryness or pelvic pain.3
  • Increase sexual pleasure: Even if libido and potency are not problems, people may seek to improve their sexual experience. Your brain and physical actions work together to lead to the orgasmic phase of sex. People may seek to enhance sexual pleasure by trying aphrodisiacs that promise to act on these triggers.4

    • Do “Natural” Aphrodisiacs Work?

    With all the hype that some substances carry, it’s common to wonder whether aphrodisiacs are real. Generally, most “natural” aphrodisiacs don’t work. According to the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), no supposed over-the-counter (OTC) aphrodisiac is scientifically proven to be effective at meeting its claims.5

    While there is often no sound scientific proof for using these substances, there is some anecdotal and historical evidence that some plant-based substances may impact arousing desires and improving sexual performance.6

    • Support the production of sex hormones
    • Improve blood flow
    • Activate neural pathways that support sexuality

    One of the biggest impacts of natural aphrodisiacs is their impact on your psychological state. While the benefits you achieve may be related to a placebo effect (an improvement in a subject’s condition that can’t be attributed to the treatment itself), anything that makes you feel more relaxed, calm, and confident about your sexuality will likely elevate your libido, performance, and experience.7< Additional natural ways to improve your libido and sexual satisfaction include the following strategies:

    • Participate in regular exercise: Research indicates that regular exercise may lower the risk of erectile dysfunction in men and increase sexual arousal in women.8
    • Eat a healthy diet: Growing evidence supports the role of diet in sexual function. General dietary principles that emphasize a plant-forward diet, such as the Mediterranean diet, can offer many benefits to mental and cardiometabolic health, which support all aspects of reproductive health.9
    • Manage stress: When stressed, your body releases the stress hormone cortisol, intended to be delivered in short bursts of energy to relieve stressors. Chronic stress can suppress sex hormones and lower your sex drive. Stress management techniques like meditation, deep breathing, mindfulness, and massage, can help you de-stress before intimacy and improve your experience.10

    Possible Side Effects

    While so-called natural aphrodisiacs may be viewed as safer than medications because they are readily available without a prescription, that is not always the case.

    The mechanisms of action of many aphrodisiacs can cause a wide range of possible side effects. In addition, the fact that they are not regulated increases the risk of aphrodisiacs being mislabeled, unstandardized, or produced with multiple ingredients whose effects may not be known.11

    Your side effects and the intensity at which they occur depend on many factors, such as other medications you may be taking. In a review of the pharmacology effects of herbal sexual enhancers, researchers reported that interactions of aphrodisiacs with other substances and herbal formulas represent these substances’ most significant health risks.1

    Researchers report that side effects of aphrodisiacs can include many problems, many of which may not be known due to the lack of research and the variety of substances used. These side effects include the following:1

    Aphrodisiac Foods

    Aphrodisiac foods vary by geographic location and culture. While many foods are touted as improving sexual desire and/or performance, most claims are not backed by science and may just help you feel better. However, there is evidence that the following foods may help your sex life:

    • Oysters: While research is lacking to support the belief that oysters promote sexual arousal, oysters are rich in zinc, an essential mineral for men’s health, normal sperm function, and fertilization. This is the basis for the thought that oysters are effective aphrodisiac foods for males. In biology, zinc deficiency is linked with sperm dysfunction, low testosterone levels, and male infertility.12 Raw oysters also contain D-aspartic acid and N-methyl, which have been linked to higher sex hormone levels in animals.13
    • Watermelon: While evidence is lacking on the impact of watermelon on human sex drives, watermelon flesh has had an aphrodisiac effect on male rats. Researchers said the findings support using watermelon flesh for increasing potency and countering ED in men. The impact may be tied to the citrulline amino acid, which helps increase circulation in your sex organs.14
    • Maca root: Maca root is the root of a cruciferous vegetable, which comes from the same family as broccoli, cabbage, and cauliflower, and is rich in vitamin C, zinc, copper, and calcium. In one study, an increase in sexual desire was reported by half of all participants who consumed 3 grams of maca root for 12 weeks. Improvements in mood, energy, and health-related quality of life, which can promote a healthier sex life, were also reported.15
    • Apples: Apples are rich in quercetin, a type of flavonoid, a substance that has anticancer, antioxidant, antiviral, and anti-inflammatory properties. Research shows that quercetin can lower blood pressure, helping men avoid high blood pressure linked to erectile dysfunction.16 In one study, male participants with a higher fruit intake achieved a 14% reduction in erectile dysfunction, possibly due to their flavonoid content.17
    • Red wine: Research indicates that alcohol can increase sexual arousal in women. In one study, women who drank one to two glasses of red wine daily reported more sexual desire and better sexual function.18
    • Some meats: Certain high-protein foods like beef, chicken, and pork contain compounds that improve blood flow, a key element in sexual response among males and females. These compounds include L-carnitine, L-arginine , and zinc. Research indicates that arginine supplements significantly improved ED in participants who took these supplements vs. those who took placebo or no treatment.19

    Aphrodisiac Herbs

    The following herbs have been used as aphrodisiacs:

    • Ashwagandha: The Indian herbal remedy ashwagandha shows promise as a natural “female Viagra” (working like a drug prescribed to males for erectile dysfunction), based on the positive effects reported from studies of sexual dysfunction in both women and men. It is believed to have medicinal benefits in treating several conditions and as an aphrodisiac.20
    • Cannabis: Research indicates that cannabis has sexually stimulating effects. This herb can increase sexual desire and intensify sexual experiences for both men and women. It may also indirectly enhance sexual function by increasing relaxation and sensory focus. However, too much of it may inhibit sexual function and satisfaction.21
    • Fenugreek: Fenugreek is an annual plant whose seeds are used in South Asian cooking. It appears to contain compounds that your body can use to make the sex hormones estrogen and testosterone. In a small study that included women with low sex drives, participants who took a daily 600 milligram dose of fenugreek extract showed a significant increase in sexual arousal and desire in women.22
    • Ginseng: Ginseng is the root of a plant that is used as a dietary supplement, aphrodisiac, and in treatments in Chinese medicine. Ginseng is said to trigger the release of nitric oxide (NO), which promotes the dilation of blood vessels. This improves blood flow to the penis, improving an erection.23
    • Horny goat weed: Horny goat weed is a type of flowering plant used in traditional Chinese medicine. The results of animal studies indicate that this herb may have aphrodisiac properties by impacting hormone regulation and increasing blood flow to the penis.24
    • Chlorophytum borivliianum: Chlorophytum borivliianum can be useful for treating certain forms of sexual difficulties like premature ejaculation and oligospermia (low sperm count). Researchers attributed the observed effects to the testosterone-like effects of the extracts.25
    • Yohimbe: Yohimbe comes from the bark of certain trees that grow in India and Africa. In the United States, it is administered by prescription to treat sexual dysfunction. It is also included in some OTC supplements.

    However, whether over-the-counter Yohimbe products provide the same benefits as the prescription is uncertain. Research is lacking on whether its use as a dietary supplement is useful as an aphrodisiac. It has been linked with seizures and heart attacks.26

    Preparing Herbs

    Many herbs are consumed as a beverage after special preparation using an infusion or decoction technique. While an infusion is used for leaves, a decoction is usually reserved for harder herbs like roots, bark, and seeds. These brewing methods are performed using the following steps:27

    Infusion:

    1. Pour hot water over dried leaves, berries, or other plant matter.
    2. Wait to allow the matter to steep in the hot water (timing varies by ingredient).
    3. Remove the plant matter before drinking.

    Decoction:

    1. Grind or crush the root, bark, or seeds.
    2. Heat the required quantity of herbs with water for about 30 minutes, until about 50% of the water is lost.
    3. Remove the plant matter before drinking.

    Why Work With a Registered Herbalist?

    Herbs and other natural treatments are not regulated for content and quality the way drugs are in the United States. Working with a registered herbalist from the American Herbalist Guild can help you use these substances safely. Registered herbalists have completed professional training in the use of herbs and plants as aphrodisiacs and other treatments.

    Aphrodisiac Supplements

    The following natural substances are used are often used as aphrodisiac supplements:

    • Arginine: L-arginine is an amino acid that causes the dilation of tiny blood vessels and increases blood flow. In a study of men with ED and no underlying diseases, daily high doses of L-arginine caused improvement in sexual function.28
    • L-carnitine: L-carnitine is an amino acid present in many foods, especially those of animal origins like beef and chicken. Research shows that this substance may increase sperm maturation, sperm motility, and sperm production.29
    • Zinc: A study of 116 postmenopausal women with low zinc levels showed that zinc supplementation can improve testosterone levels and sexual function in postmenopausal women. Women who took zinc supplements reported improved sexual desire, arousal, satisfaction, vaginal moisture, orgasm, and less pain during intercourse vs. the control group.30

    Summary

    The use of aphrodisiacs involves a search for ways to increase sexual craving, performance, and pleasure that has lasted for thousands of years. While certain foods, herbs, and other products may affect the way you feel, most claims have little to no proof based on science.

    However, some products may have value. Those that work to increase blood flow may help improve blood flow to the genitals. This can be helpful for people who have problems with circulation.

    Other products may have value in the placebo effect. This can make you expect better sex and thereby achieve it.

    Consult your healthcare provider before using herbs or other new products. While these products may not have a big impact on your sex life, some can cause problems by mixing with prescribed drugs or other treatments.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    What is delayed ejaculation?

    — Here’s what you need to know about this little-talked about problem

    Delayed ejaculation has several possible causes, including certain prescription drugs and medical issues, like low testosterone.

    By Martha Kempner

    While guys who climax too quickly, like the high school teen who can’t even get his pants off before it’s all over, is a well-known issue, there’s a flip side to that problem: being able to go and go and go without reaching orgasm, a condition known as delayed ejaculation.

    There isn’t a lot of research on it, but a 2016 study estimated that between 1% and 4% of men experience delayed ejaculation all the time or when with a partner. The researchers also noted that it’s the “least studied and least understood of male sexual dysfunctions.”

    Delayed ejaculation is the inability to climax within a reasonable amount of time. What’s reasonable varies for each person, but some experts cite needing more than 30 minutes of sexual stimulation to reach orgasm as a sign of a problem. There’s no need to get out a stopwatch; the real test of whether this is an issue is how often it’s happening and how you and your partner feel about it.

    We rarely talk about men’s sexual health, and the feelings of failure that can come with not being able to climax mean we talk about this issue even less than others like premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. Ignoring it, however, may trap couples in a cycle of anxiety that ends with one or both partners deciding it’s better to avoid sex altogether than have this happen again. Spoiler alert: It’s not.

    Here are some ways to break that cycle.

    Talk to your partner

    Don’t let this become the elephant in the room — or in your bed. “Without talking about the issue, our minds are left to speculate and ruminate,” Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and author of She Comes First, tells Yahoo Life. “A partner may start to worry that maybe the person with DE is no longer attracted to them or is bored by the sex.”

    Communication is crucial, and Kerner notes that how we address these subjects matters. “When having these sorts of conversations, always begin with how you’re feeling and your own vulnerability,” he says. “Start with ‘Hey, I’ve been feeling anxious.’ Generally talking about the elephant in the room is a relief and gets you on the same team.”

    Rule out medical issues

    Medical issues known to cause delayed ejaculation include low testosterone, spinal cord injuries and certain infections. DE can also be a side effect of common prescription drugs, such as antidepressants and blood pressure medications. A new study found that DE is associated with more underlying health issues — both physical, such as testicular dysfunction, and emotional, such as anxiety — than premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction.

    Dr. Michael Eisenberg, a urologist at Stanford University, says that a health care provider can assess whether a medical problem is causing delayed ejaculation. “We will evaluate the timing of the condition, determine if it’s situational, assess hormones and determine underlying health conditions,” he tells Yahoo Life.

    Change your routine

    Delayed ejaculation can also be caused by desensitization of the penis. Dr. Jesse Mills, director of the UCLA Men’s Health Clinic, tells Yahoo Life that, like all other parts of our bodies, penises can lose sensitivity as we age. They can also get used to certain triggers: “The key to orgasm is friction,” Mills explains. “There’s no orifice as tight as a man’s own hand. If that’s what he’s used to, he may have sensitivity issues he has to overcome.”

    Masturbation is good for you, but if you suspect desensitization, consider cutting back, especially when you’re expecting to have partnered sex soon.

    Resetting your expectations can also help. Remember that penetrative sex isn’t everything. Just as many women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, you may need something more intense as well. Consider adding some sex toys, such as a prostate massager or a vibrating sleeve, which can amp up your orgasm. There’s also nothing wrong with finishing using your own hands while your partner curls up next to you.

    Find an expert

    If you are still having trouble finishing, it may be time to see an expert, whether that’s a sexual medicine doctor or a sex therapist.

    Mills is a member of the Sexual Medicine Society of North America, a group that includes urologists, gynecologists, neurologists and sex therapists. He says this is a great place to start, since the website can help you find providers in your area. The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists can also help you find a certified sex therapist near you. “Anybody that has specialized training and interest in sex can get the workup rolling,” he says.

    A sexual medicine expert can also help couples who are dealing with DE while they are trying to get pregnant. Eisenberg says there are medical ways to assist with ejaculation or sperm extraction, which can help couples separate fertility issues and sexual concerns.

    Sex is supposed to be pleasurable and relieve our stress, not cause it. If you’re having trouble reaching orgasm, talk to your partner and reach out to medical and mental health experts for help.

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    There’s more to sex than having an orgasm

    – Men need to understand that

    It’s time we stopped putting so much emphasis on ‘the big O’

    By

    There’s nothing quite like the expression on a man’s face after he’s made a woman orgasm – that cheeky smirk and unmistakable glint in his eyes that’s just begging for some ‘good boy’ praise.

    Ladies, you know what I mean… and gentlemen, I’m about to let you in on a secret.

    That climax you were so proud to deliver? It might have been nothing but an elaborate show.

    Most straight women I know have – at one point – faked, exaggerated or skipped their own pleasure. But we never pretend for our own benefit.

    So, dear men, it’s time to sit up and pay attention as we tackle ‘the big O’.

    Beyond faking it, I want to highlight how women can find it very embarrassing to discuss orgasms (or the lack thereof) and sometimes feel immense pressure to perform.

    Just like some men may feel uncomfortable talking about erectile dysfunction because it can trigger feelings of shame, women who struggle with or can’t climax worry about being seen as ‘abnormal’ or ‘dysfunctional’.

    Interestingly, a study from last year showed that women who have difficulty ‘getting there’ are more likely to feign enthusiasm in bed, too.

    Sometimes it’s easier to fake it than admit, to ourselves and others that the orgasm is out of reach. This can happen at any time, to anyone.

    A few years ago, my sex drive dipped due to side effects from medication. It was temporary and I knew that I’d eventually finish the course of drugs and everything would return to normal, but it still threw me off my game.

    Don’t make orgasms the be-all and end-all of your pleasure because that’s a losing game

    I was having regular sex with a partner at the time. I opened up to him about it all and, with a bit of coaxing, we were able to re-ignite my libido, but the orgasm didn’t follow.

    The more my partner kept trying to help, the worse things got. He tried to use his hands, offered oral and was very enthusiastic, which I was very grateful for – but the enthusiasm just made the situation more pressurised.

    He meant well but I could tell that he wanted that pat on the back for a job well done. To him, getting me off was a mission – to me, it was much more complex.

    My vulva and vagina felt physically numb. It was as if someone had shut off the 10,000 nerve endings in my clitoris.

    Determined to ‘fix’ the issue, I turned to masturbation, assuming that this would be easier because I was on my own, meaning there was no time limit.

    One of the biggest concerns other women raise with me about orgasms is that they feel like there is a clock ticking, which prevents them from fully relaxing. This happens to me too, sometimes.

    I eventually climaxed while playing solo but it took much longer than usual. The whole thing was unnerving, because the level of effort I’d had to put in just made me feel drained.

    Without meaning to, I had taken the pleasure out of the experience. And this is a big part of the problem with orgasms.

    In recent years, we’ve made great strides in closing the ‘orgasm gap’ (in short: men climax more often than women during sex and we’re trying to change that) but somewhere along the way, we missed a trick.

    Because the point isn’t climax – it’s pleasure.

    It’s time we stopped putting so much emphasis on ‘the big O’, especially when you consider that some women struggle with anorgasmia, a phrase used to describe the inability or difficulty for women to orgasm.

    There are also those who enjoy sexual stimulation but don’t care about the ‘end goal’, who prefer to climax alone or who only do so if they have an emotional connection to a sexual partner. All of this should be acceptable and normal.

    Don’t make orgasms the be-all and end-all of your pleasure because that’s a losing game. Besides, just because you can’t climax, it doesn’t mean you can’t have an amazing time in the sack.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    How to break up with someone in the digital age

    — You don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. So, what do you do?

    By Rachel Thompson

    You match, you chat, and you date for a little while. But then, things take a turn. You’re not sure you’re feeling it anymore. Perhaps it doesn’t feel like a good fit. You’re irretrievably mismatched. You’re looking for different things.You don’t want to ghost them. Blocking them feels downright mean. At the same time, you don’t want to hurt their feelings by being honest. Should you be honest and direct? What if they react badly and lash out?In the online dating realm where ghosting reigns supreme, it’s easy to hide behind our phone screens and avoid confrontation and honesty. Why have difficult conversations when you can just remove every trace of this person from your phone and forget about them instantly? It’s a tempting thought, of course. But, is it the right thing to do?Research from dating app Bumble found that 84 percent of British singles believe being open and upfront is the most important thing in a relationship.With that in mind, what is the best way to break up with someone? Mashable spoke to relationship experts to find out how to consciously uncouple without being a complete dick.

    What is ‘quiet dumping’?

    Another day, another buzzword for questionable dating behaviour. “Quiet dumping” is the latest bad dating behaviour and it’s inspired by “quiet quitting”, the trend describing workers who accept that work isn’t the be-all-and-end-all of their life and opt instead to put in the bare minimum at their job. Quiet dumping involves gradually distancing yourself from a partner without openly communicating how you’re feeling. The idea is that the person on the receiving end will get the hint from the change in behaviour and end the relationship of their own accord.

    “As with most bad behaviour, quiet dumping reflects more on the person doing it than it does you,” Bumble’s in-house sex and relationship expert Dr. Caroline West says.

    “Often, there is no malicious intent behind them fazing the relationship out, they’re just not comfortable enough to have the conversation.”

    Is breaking up by text ever OK?

    If there’s a modern equivalent of the “I’m sorry, I can’t, don’t hate me” Post-It note from Sex And The City, the text message has got to be it.

    A lot of people think that a text message breakup is a strict no-no. But, surely there has to be an exception to the rule? As with all things in the dating world, text dumping is complicated.

    Firstly, what if you’ve not yet met this match in person? Perhaps you’re stuck in a talking stage that feels like it’s headed nowhere fast. Perhaps this person is messaging you non-stop and coming on way too strong and you’re just…really not feeling it. Instead of doing the slow fade or ghosting, this kind of situation might warrant a quick message to explain how you’re feeling. You could try something along the lines of: “Hey, I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I’m not sure this is a good fit. I wish you all the best.”

    If the relationship is more established, however, dumping over text isn’t exactly a great idea.

    Pippa Murphy. the sex and relationship expert at condoms.uk tells Mashable: “Breaking up with someone via a text message can be incredibly cruel, as not only is it impersonal but it doesn’t allow you to gauge what the other person is thinking or feeling, which isn’t fair on their behalf.”

    Murphy says you should always pay the person the respect of sitting down in person to talk about the breakup in more detail.

    “There is, however, one exception to this rule,” says Murphy. “If the relationship is emotionally or physically abusive, then breaking up over text message might be the only way to keep yourself safe.”

    Don’t break up in public places

    Friends have mine have recounted stories of being dumped by long-term boyfriends while out in romantic restaurants. Shocked and distraught, insult was added to emotional injury when they burst into tears in front of a room full of gawping strangers. It’s just… not what you need in that moment.

    Murphy agrees with this. “While you should break up in person (if it’s safe to do so), doing it in a crowded restaurant or bar is destined for a disaster. Instead, you should pick somewhere private where you both feel comfortable having a personal conversation,” she says.

    “This allows you both to be honest about the breakdown of your relationship without feeling embarrassed that people may be watching, therefore, limiting what you can or what emotions you can express.”

    Communicate respectfully

    When emotions run high, things can sometimes get heated.

    It’s important to calmly and clearly express your reasons for ending this relationship. But as Murphy points out, you also should be mindful to listen to their perspective.

    “Whoever it is, especially if it is someone you care about, you should always treat them as kindly and with as much respect as possible,” she says.

    “While it is the dumper’s responsibility to break up with their partner gracefully, respectfully, and listen to them, it is not their responsibility to make the other person feel better. Being nice is a wonderful trait, however, this can backfire in a breakup and make you both feel worse.”

    If you’re the one ending things, you might feel bad about the breakup, but sometimes apologising can do more harm than good, because it can put pressure on the dumpee to feel like they have to forgive you.

    Is ghosting ever OK?

    An illustration of a ghost standing in front of a human-sized phone, hiding from a person looking dejected under a spotlight, holding roses.

    As Murphy says, if you’re in an abusive relationship, your priority is your own safety. If that means ghosting and blocking the individual, do it. If that means breaking up over text, do it. Never feel bad for keeping yourself safe.

    As with text dumping, people have strong opinions on ghosting. But, there are circumstances in which ghosting is acceptable, in my view.

    If you are a woman or marginalised person, you will be well aware that rejecting someone comes with a risk of violence.

    Women have been murdered and assaulted for refusing men’s advances. As author Laura Bates writes: “For certain groups in particular, including trans women, women of colour and sex workers, it is well documented that refusing unwanted advances can result in aggression, physical or sexual violence, or even murder.”

    When we fear how another person will react to our “no,” we attempt to mitigate that risk in our choice of breakup method, often choosing an evasive strategy to prevent us being harmed. If a person is exhibiting signs that they will respond aggressively to rejection, ghosting is an acceptable method to end contact. The block button is very useful in moments like this.

    Cyberflashing — or the nonconsensual sending of lewd photos via messaging apps or AirDrop — is unfortunately rife. Almost half (48 percent) of UK adults aged 18-24 have received a sexual photo they didn’t ask for or consent to.

    Again, in this situation, your safety is a priority. Report the sender if this behaviour occurs via a dating app. Block them.

    When ghosting is not OK

    In relationships and interactions where you feel safe and you’re not in danger, our approach to ghosting is a little different.

    We’ve all heard the stories about marriages ending by ghosting, and long-term committed relationships ending abruptly with partners being blocked. If you’re in a committed (non-abusive) relationship with someone you once loved, ghosting will cause your partner more pain than necessary. Breaking up when you’re in a long-term relationship is already incredibly painful — why make it harder by ghosting them? Instead, follow the steps above: communicate clearly and kindly and aim for a private location if you can.

    Should you go no contact?

    In the aftermath of a breakup, people need space to grieve and heal. Murphy says: “Studies show that people who respectfully cut all contact for a short period allow themselves to heal fast and have more amicable breakups.”

    She urges caution when opting to remain friends with an ex — while it can ease the transition, it can always leave you confused about where you stand, whether they want you back, and can make it harder to move on.

    When breaking up with someone you care about, think about how you’d want to be dumped. “It is perfectly acceptable to take a short ‘no contact’ period out to emotionally recover before being friends with your ex. You don’t want your relationship status to be a confusing ‘on-again-off-again’ situation so take time out to heal so you can be friends if that’s what you both desire,” she adds.

    When breaking up with someone you care about, think about how you’d want to be dumped. While no one craves rejection, we at least hope to be treated with the respect and honesty we deserve.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!