By Gigi Engle
Whether we want to admit it or not, sexually charged experiences come with heightened emotional states. It doesn’t matter if the experience is casual or part of a committed relationship, or if it’s sex that is kinky, vanilla, or involves wearing penguin onesies. When we get down and dirty, there are going to be emotions involved. How could there not be?
When we get into intense erotic states, our brains are flooded with a ton of neurochemicals like adrenaline, dopamine, and oxytocin. Desire is a complex biological and psychological state. As such, when we reach climax (or the end of the sexual experience), we need to be sure we get back to a healthy and relaxed mental state. Simply throwing your clothes on and going about your day without so much as a “Thanks for the good times, pal” doesn’t work for most people.
This is why aftercare is such a crucial component of sexual play. Aftercare is the post-sex activity (or activities) that allows us to feel safe, settled, and good after sex. Zachary Zane, sex expert for personal lubricant and condom brand Momentum Intimacy, tells TheBody that aftercare has “typically been associated with kink or particularly ‘intense’ sexual scenes, though engaging in aftercare shouldn’t be limited to solely kinky or BDSM experiences.”
Aftercare has its place in all forms of sex. It is time everyone embraced aftercare as a part of sex because whether you’re having a one-night stand or are in a long-term relationship, everyone deserves to leave sex feeling positive and good about themselves.
Here is everything you should know about aftercare and how to create a plan that works for you and your partner(s).
What Is Sexual Aftercare?
Aftercare is the ways we nurture and care for ourselves and our partners after sexual play finishes. While aftercare is (slowly) making its way into all forms of sex, it has typically been associated with the BDSM community, which prides itself on consent and thorough negotiation.
In the kink community, aftercare is a set of actions and activities consensually agreed upon before sex (or the scene) begins. It is a post-sex plan of action to ensure that everyone involved in the play feels safe and well taken care of. It ensures respect and kindness for the people we play with, regardless of how serious or casual the relationship may be.
Aftercare is as unique as the sexual experience itself. It can include talking, cuddling, comparing notes on the experience, having a snack, watching a show, playing with your partner’s hair, going off to have a breather alone, or taking a shower alone or together. There is no limit to the menu of activities you have to choose from. It also “involves practical things like tending to any bruises or cuts that you sustained during the scene, cleaning up the place, and even kissing it better,” Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, tells TheBody. “It needs to be something you find comforting and soothing, ideally that involves something restful.”
The way aftercare plays out is completely subjective and will depend on the needs and desires of everyone involved in the play.
Zane tells us that aftercare is really about caring for the emotional well-being of the people you play with. “At its core, you’re asking your partner how they’re feeling and if there’s anything they need from you,” he says. “They may want to cuddle, have a glass of water, share something that triggered them during sex, or something else entirely.”
Why Aftercare Matters
“Aftercare exists because doing a scene can be very intense, taking you into a super-activated state of consciousness,” Rowett says. “Intensity of any kind, be it pleasurable, painful, or the delicious line between both, is incredibly overstimulating.”
Because of this overstimulation, it is important to consider the ways you’re going to bring yourself and your partner back down into a state of calm once play concludes. A lot of us don’t consider the aftermath when we’re engaging in sex, but failing to do so can lead to sub-par experiences.
“Often, what happens after the sexual experience impacts how we view the experience,” Zane explains. “For example, if you had incredible sex, but [they kick] you to the curb the moment they orgasm, you’re likely not going to view the experience fondly. You’ll just remember feeling used, rushed, and kicked out.” No one deserves to feel this way.
Creating an Aftercare Plan That Caters to Your Needs
Knowing what you need when it comes to aftercare is a part of understanding yourself as a sexual being. This means considering what your needs are post-sex, not just during sex.
Ask yourself these questions.
- What did my last great sexual experience look like?
- What do I want right after sex that I’ve been afraid to ask for?
- What would make me feel safe and cared for after sex?
It doesn’t matter if you met your partner on an app 30 minutes ago, you still deserve to get the aftercare you need. If a person refuses to meet your aftercare needs, you may want to reconsider whether this is someone you feel safe enough to play with.
It’s important to consider where your aftercare needs intersect and where they differ. This requires open and honest communication with your partner. “If one of you needs a long cuddle afterward but the other needs alone time, you will need to make this clear and negotiate a way in the middle,” Rowett says.
While directly asking how your partner is feeling is very important, Zane points out that aftercare can also mean taking a few minutes to decompress before verbally checking in after sex. “Simply being with that person and holding them is a form of aftercare. After a few minutes, you can ask how they’re feeling,” he says.
Lastly, aftercare isn’t always about the “right here, right now.” It can often extend into the next day. “You can send a text asking how they’re feeling or if there’s anything they need from you,” Zane adds.
What all this juicy stuff boils down to is caring for the welfare of someone who shared an experience with you. We’re all just humans trying to find joy, pleasure, and comfort with the people we engage with. Every person we have sex with has a right to a good experience—and this includes emotional safety, too.
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