Month: August 2023

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My Night At A Queer Rope-Bondage Class

— It was intimate in unexpected ways.

By Jillian Angelini

On a random Wednesday night, my girlfriend and I find ourselves sitting in a warmly lit Brooklyn apartment surrounded by suspension hooks and bundles of rope. We waited in nervous silence for the Queer Rope Bondage 101 workshop to begin.

I’d recently stumbled across the Instagram account @FreaksnotCreeps, New York City-based rope artist Liv’s visual diary of rope suspension and deviant bondage imagery. As a curious queer, I was hesitant but highly intrigued to know more. I learned that rope bondage is a form of shibari, also known as kinbaku, that originates from Japan. In modern Western culture, the stereotype of an older man tying a skinny, flexible white woman is widespread, but from festivals to meet-ups, there’s actually a thriving, diverse queer rope-bondage community around the world.

After watching a few videos about rope on YouTube, I was curious about taking one of Liv’s workshops with my girlfriend; it seemed safer to try this with professional guidance. Although the idea of attempting something totally new was nerve-wracking, the idea of learning alongside fellow freaky gays eased our anxiety.

Instead of the harsh hues of red and black that I’d expected, the studio had dim lighting and plenty of plants. The other people in the class were cool. I presumed the other participants might look Goth, with head-to-toe leather, piercings, and tattoos — instead, one arrived in Maison Margiela Mary Janes. I would never have picked any of them off the street to be even the slightest bit interested in rope, but it was exciting to be wrong. We had yet to even begin class, and I already had my first takeaway from the night: Don’t judge a book by its cover.

Liv is a self-identifying sadomasochist and pervert with blunt bangs and a soft smize. They began class by explaining that their goal is to create a queer safe space within rope bondage that isn’t intimidating and doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual. While rope can get serious down the road, Liv’s beginner class would be solely sweet and cute. This felt like a breath of fresh air; I’d been anxious about being rushed into a rough practice that didn’t resonate with me. I was ready to learn.

I learned to like letting go and being the one to feel.

We each began by untangling a long bundle of rope and practiced self-tying with the single-column tie, the most versatile and simple knot. Next, we tried the double-column version. As I maneuvered from my calves to my thighs to my waist, I started to get the hang of it. Once my beginner’s frustration of figuring out the knots wore off, I could tune into how the rope felt on my body. It was coarse and harsh, but in a relaxing way. Everything around me paused, and my main focus became the tenderness of the twisted fibers on my legs.

Once we were somewhat confident in our self-tying abilities, my girlfriend and I began tying on each other. It was intimate and nerve-wracking at the same time. We were touching each other in ways we never had before, and the tightness of the rope was unfamiliar but strangely calming. The energy in the room was uplifting as everyone around me was focusing on tying their partners. I felt so safe in a queer space; there was no judgment to be found but instead an uplifting feeling of all-togetherness. I loved seeing people tied up alongside me. We’d just met, but we were all enjoying an intimate experience with one another.

I joined the class with the intention of using my new skills on my girlfriend. She has always expressed interest in restriction on various parts of her body, and I enjoyed the idea of being the restrictor. However, when she started practicing on me, I had no choice but to comply. It turned out to be an uncomfortable thrill. I learned to like letting go and being the one to feel.

During the class, we all talked about how disconnected we felt from our own bodies in our daily lives. According to Liv, although tying is often thought of in a sexual context, it can also be a way to connect with yourself or a friend. For this reason, Liv encourages people to come to class alone or with a group. Although I plan to continue to use rope bondage sexually, I enjoy the idea of practicing new knots as a form of self-care.

If you’re curious about tying, too, let me pass along a few tips from Liv: Communication and trust are pre-requisites. You know you’ve tied rope tightly enough if you try to sit down and your knees can’t meet your ankles. Keep a pair of safety scissors around just in case.

I’m grateful I didn’t let my nerves get the best of me. The experience taught me that the “scary” and “intense” stereotypes of the BDSM world aren’t universal. Tying can be gentle and kind, something to create connection of all types — with yourself, friends, or sexual partners. I left the class with a fun new hobby and a charge on my credit card for my very own bundle of rope.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can Sex Protect Memory in Old Age?

— Physical pleasure, emotional satisfaction, and team problem-solving may help boost brain health as we age, according to a new study.

Sex involves communication and problem-solving — both of which are good for keeping the mind engaged.

By Sarah Prager

A new study has found that sex in older age can have benefits for cognitive function, but for different age groups, quality or quantity matters more.

The study, published in The Journal for Sex Research in July 2023, is among the first nationally representative, population-based studies to examine how the sexual lives of older Americans are related to their later cognitive function.

According to study coauthor Shannon Shen, PhD, while there has been plenty of research on cognitive decline in older adults, there was very little that considers how the sexual aspect of social relationships may be beneficial for cognitive functioning.

“We find that for older-old adults, or those that are 75 to 90 years old, having very frequent sex, at once a week or more, is related to better cognitive function five years later compared to those who had no sex,” Dr. Shen says.

“But for the younger-old adults, those ages 62 to 74 in the study, sexual frequency was not influential. Instead, having better sexual quality — both more physical pleasure and emotional satisfaction — was related to their better cognitive function five years later.”

Benefits of Frequent Sex in Later Life Differ for Men and Women

To determine the connection between sex and brain health, the study analyzed cognitive assessments and survey responses from 1,683 adults. The study did not track whether any participants were transgender, while 1.6 percent of the respondents were gay, lesbian, or bisexual.

Sex was defined as any “mutually voluntary activity with another person that involves sexual contact, whether or not intercourse or orgasm occurs.” The study only analyzed partnered sex, not masturbation.

The study found that men who had sex once a week or more had lower odds of experiencing cognitive impairment five years later than men who had no sex in the last year. Sexual frequency was not related to cognitive status among women, though.

What Are the Health Benefits of Having Sex?

Linda Waite, PhD, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago who has also studied the impact of sex on cognitive health in older age, says that sex has several physical benefits as we age, including stretching, increasing blood flow, and the releasing of hormones and endorphins from orgasm. But social elements are also key.

“When you’re involved in a joint project, then you have to use the social part of your brain,” Dr. Waite says. “You have to say, ‘Oops, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to nudge you,’ or ‘That doesn’t feel so great for me, can we move around,’ or ‘My hands are cold,’ or ‘Let’s get under the covers,’ or ‘Do that again.’”

Patterned social interactions with a long-standing close partner can also help with brain health, Waite says.

“If somebody’s having a little trouble with the next step, the other person can step in, and give a little help. So because there’s two of you, and even if you’re having trouble, you’re probably not having exactly the same kind of trouble,” Waite says. “You know, ‘Oh, remember, now we do that?’”

Should You Be Having More Sex?

Shen says that while the study does find that frequency of sex and quality of sex may help improve cognitive functioning in older age, she wouldn’t say it’s necessarily beneficial for everyone to have more sex.

“Our results are really highlighting different stages of later life being important in the benefits one sees from their sexual relationship,” Shen says. “For those younger-old adults, the quality they have with their sexual partner is important for their later cognitive functioning, not just having more sex. Even adults that have low libido can still enjoy high sexual quality, and the broad definition of sex in the study could mean that it’s not just intercourse that needs to occur for us to see these cognitive benefits.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can Men Get Periods?

— Cisgender men don’t have menstrual periods, but testosterone levels vary from day to day, which may cause some mental and physical effects.

By Kimberly Holland

Like women, men experience hormonal shifts and changes. Every day, a man’s testosterone levels rise in the morning and fall in the evening. Testosterone levels can even vary from day to day.

Some claim that these hormonal fluctuations may cause symptoms that mimic the symptoms of premenstrual syndrome (PMS), including depression, fatigue, and mood swings.

But are those monthly hormonal swings regular enough to be called a “male period”?

Yes, claims psychotherapist and author Jed Diamond, PhD. Diamond coined the term Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) in his book of the same name, to describe these hormonal fluctuations and the symptoms they cause, based on a true biological phenomenon observed in rams.

He believes cisgender men experience hormonal cycles like women. That’s why these cycles have been described as “man-struation” or the “male period.”

A woman’s period and hormonal changes are the result of her natural reproductive cycle, sex therapist Janet Brito, PhD, LCSW, CST says. “The hormonal changes she endures are in preparation for possible conception. [Cisgender] men do not experience the cycle of producing ovocytes, nor do they have a uterus that gets thicker to prepare for a fertilized egg. And if conception does not occur, they do not have a uterine lining that will be released from the body as blood through the vagina, which is what is referred to as a period or menstruation,” Brito explains.

“In this definition, men do not have these types of periods.”

However, Brito notes that men’s testosterone levels can vary, and some factors can influence testosterone levels. As these hormones shift and fluctuate, men may experience symptoms.

The symptoms of these fluctuations, which may share some similarities with symptoms of PMS, may be as close to “male periods” as any man will get.

IMS is supposedly the result of dipping and oscillating hormones, specifically testosterone. However, there’s no medical evidence of IMS.

However, it’s true that testosterone plays an important role in a man’s physical and mental well-being, and the human body works to regulate it. But factors unrelated to IMS can cause testosterone levels to change. This is thought to lead to unusual symptoms.

Factors that can influence hormonal levels include:

  • age (a man’s testosterone levels start declining
    as early as age 30)
  • stress
  • changes in diet or weight
  • illness
  • lack of sleep
  • eating disorders

These factors can also impact a man’s psychological well-being, Brito adds.

The symptoms of so-called IMS mimic some of the symptoms women experience during PMS. However, IMS doesn’t follow any physiological pattern the way a woman’s period follows her reproductive cycle, as no hormonal basis of IMS exists. That means these symptoms may not occur regularly, and there may be no pattern to them.

Symptoms of IMS are vague and have been suggested to include:

  • fatigue
  • confusion or mental fogginess
  • depression
  • anger
  • low self-esteem
  • low libido
  • anxiety
  • hypersensitivity

If you’re experiencing these symptoms, there is likely something else going on. Some of these symptoms may be the result of testosterone deficiency. Testosterone levels do naturally fluctuate, but levels that are too low can cause problems, including:

  • lowered libido
  • behavior and mood problems
  • depression

If these symptoms persist, make an appointment to talk with your doctor. This is a diagnosable condition and can be treated.

Likewise, middle-aged men may experience symptoms as their natural levels of testosterone begin to fall. This condition, colloquially called andropause, is sometimes referred to as male menopause.

“When it comes to andropause, which does show up in the [anecdotal] research, the symptoms tend to be fatigue, low libido, and [it] tends to affect middle-aged men due to low testosterone levels,” Dr. Brito says.

Lastly, the term male period or man-struation is used colloquially to refer to blood found in urine or feces. However, Brito says, bleeding from the male genitals is often the result of parasites or an infection. No matter where the blood is located, you need to see your doctor for a diagnosis and treatment plan as soon as possible.

IMS isn’t a recognized medical diagnosis, so “treatment” aims to:

  • manage symptoms
  • adapt to the emotions and mood swings when they
    occur
  • find ways to relieve stress

Exercise, eating a healthy diet, finding ways to relieve stress, and avoiding alcohol and smoking may help stop these symptoms from happening. These lifestyle changes can also help a variety of physical and mental symptoms.

However, if you believe your symptoms may be the result of low testosterone, see your doctor.

Testosterone replacement may be an option for some men with low hormone levels, but it does come with risksTrusted Source.

If your doctor suspects another underlying cause, they can schedule tests and procedures to help rule out other problems.

If you believe your partner shows signs of severe hormonal changes or low testosterone, one of the best ways to help him is to have a conversation. You can help him seek out professional help and find ways to manage any symptoms, regardless of their underlying cause.

Bad days that cause crabby attitudes are one thing. Persistent emotional or physical symptoms are something entirely different, and they’re a possible indication that you should see your doctor.

“[Symptoms] are serious if they are bothering you. See a doctor if your symptoms bother you. See a sex therapist if you need help revitalizing your sex life or see a mental health professional if you are experiencing depression or anxiety,” Brito says.

Likewise, if you’re bleeding from your genitals, you should seek medical attention. This isn’t a form of a male period and instead may be a sign of an infection or other condition.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This is how we do it

— ‘Every few weeks we both go out on our own and sleep with another man’

They’ve been together for two years, but opening up their relationship has worked for Lorenzo and Felix

By

Lorenzo, 31

Threesomes can be a bit of a juggling act. I’m thinking: ‘Is our guest at ease? Who are they focusing on? Who am I focusing on?’

Felix and I had sex the first afternoon we met, and I remember that he made a huge amount of noise. I have an office on the floor above my apartment and the walls are very thin. I have a vivid memory of being right in the middle of a particularly intimate moment and actually hearing the telephone ringing upstairs through all the racket Felix was making. It suddenly became obvious that if I could hear that telephone, everyone in the office could hear us. I did try to shush Felix a bit, but I found his lack of inhibition refreshing.

We had met on Grindr, and some of the other men I had slept with via the app seemed uneasy with their homosexuality. I live in Spain, and while it’s not exactly dangerous to be gay, life still revolves around the church. I’ve met men who wanted to keep the lights off during sex, or who kept their shirts on, or who begged me to treat them like dirt. Felix was utterly unlike that: he was sunny and playful. He wanted us to have lunch, not just say hello and then take our trousers off.

Felix was sunny and playful. He wanted us to have lunch, not just say hello and then immediately take our trousers off

I am the top with Felix, meaning I am the active partner, whereas Felix is the bottom. But in reality, Felix is much more versatile – he’s just forced to stick to a passive role with me because I can’t physically cope with being the bottom. It’s an anatomical thing. Mentally I’d love to, but physically it simply doesn’t work. Felix and I agree that it’s unfair that I can’t satisfy him in that way, so we decided to open up our relationship. We’ve been together for two years, but every few weeks we will each go out individually and sleep with another man. We also like to meet men together and have threesomes.

Threesomes are sexy, but they take a surprising amount of organisation. We chat to contenders online, and Felix does most of the texting because he is a lot better at flirting than I am. The threesome itself can be a bit of a juggling act. I’ll be thinking: “Is our guest at ease? Who are they focusing on? Who am I focusing on?” It’s like tapping your head and rubbbing your tummy at the same time. I think we’re getting better at them, though. I suppose threesomes, like twosomes, are a learning curve.

Felix, 28

After the initial excitement has worn off with another man, I usually end up missing Lorenzo

My sexual energy is extremely high, and occasionally a little too much for Lorenzo. If we’re in the kitchen, for example, I’ll want to be right behind him at the sink, hugging and touching and grabbing his bum. I don’t think he likes it. He shows his love in other ways, through acts of care and by how attentively he listens. He is less sexual than me, and that is partly why we have decided to sleep with other people.

We are always updating the terms of our arrangement, and part of the deal is that we debrief one another about every man we have sex with. I will show him pictures of the men I have been home with, particularly the cute ones, and talk through their best moves. Lorenzo and I have always been truthful, even about our sexual compatibility. Lorenzo is a top, whereas I like to switch roles. Because he couldn’t give me everything I needed, early on he decided that wasn’t fair on me, so he insisted that we should both be free.

We rarely agree on who’s hot and who’s not. I fancy young-looking, curly haired men. Twinks, really. That’s not his type

Occasionally I will sleep with a particularly attractive guy and then arrange a date to bring him home for a threesome. The trouble is, we rarely agree on who is hot and who is not. Lorenzo has shown me men he liked in the past and I have been like: “Ew.” I fancy young-looking, curly haired men. That’s not his type, but we take it in turns to compromise.

We have strict rules about falling in love. We aren’t allowed to develop feelings for other people. That’s never been a problem for me – after the initial excitement has worn off with another man, I usually end up missing Lorenzo. I’ll be put off by the way this strange man kisses or the way his tongue feels in my mouth. I’ll smell his trashy aftershave and it will make me think of the very specific, fresh scent of Lorenzo’s skin. Every time I sleep with another man, I end up loving Lorenzo a little more.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to explore kink safely

— Whatever you’re into, here’s what you need to know…

By Alice Porter

If you’re looking to change up your sex life and try new things, you might be interested in exploring the world of kink. But whether you’re googling new kinks in a private browser or dipping your toe into something like BDSM with a partner, you might end up feeling a little overwhelmed.

And if your only introduction to kink is how it’s portrayed in the media (Fifty Shades of Grey, we’re looking at you), you might assume it’s all dungeons, ropes and floggers. Of course, this is the case for some people, but there’s so much more to kink than just latex and rough sex and there are plenty of ways to explore it that are safe and pleasurable.

With more people exploring kink than ever – Feeld, the kinky dating app, saw a 250% rise in users between 2021 and 2022 – it’s worth knowing your safe words from your scene acronyms.

If you’re new to kink, you’re likely discovering lots of ideas that are new to you. This is exciting and you might just be about to open yourself up to a whole new world of pleasure. But there are a few things to keep in mind to ensure you and your partner(s) are safe as you step into a wonderful new world.

But listen, kink isn’t for everyone and it’s not something you should be pressured into by either society or a sexual partner. Sometimes good old back to basics sex is great. There’s a reason vanilla is everyone’s favourite flavour.

What is kink?

Kink refers to a wide range of sexual interests and activities, but it’s generally defined as a sexual activity or interest that society, generally, might consider unconventional. This includes things like roleplay, outdoor sex and power dynamics like Dom/Sub play, praise and degradation and cuckolding (watching your partner have sex with someone else).

You might have also heard of fetishes, which are slightly different, as they tend to involve attractions to very specific non-sexual things, like an inanimate object or a body part, such as feet. It’s important not to get kink and fetish confused because a fetish is a very specific sexual proclivity whereas kinks are much more common, although there are plenty of overlaps.

The most common kink you’ve probably heard of is BDSM, which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. It’s a catch-all term for lots of different types of relationships, dynamics and experiences, that often involve practices like choking, spanking and other elements of rough sex, if both partners consent to this. But many elements of BDSM are purely psychological, involving relationships where one person is sexually dominant and the other is sexually submissive.

Are BDSM and rough sex the same thing?

Rough sex isn’t necessarily BDSM and if rough sex is your kink, that doesn’t mean you’ll naturally be into chains and whips or psychological games and control. Rough sex tends to refer to sexual experiences that incorporate elements of pain or intensity for the purpose of pleasure. Of course, elements of rough sex are often part of BDSM practices and relationships, but they don’t have to be.

“Interestingly for many, BDSM doesn’t always include rough sex, but for some that enjoy combining rough sex with BDSM, there may be a mixture of consensual sadomasochism and power play dynamics happening,” explains Ness Cooper, a therapist and resident sexologist for sex toy company Jejoue. “Within some Dom and sub relationships, the individuals involved don’t explore sadomasochism at all and more see it as a form of relationship structure built around care, such as service submission or female led relationships,” Cooper continues.

Sometimes, simply knowing that you’re submissive or dominant to your partner is enough to turn you on and there are plenty of ways to show this that don’t involve physical domination. What matters is that you know your limits and how far you’re willing to give up control or be controlled, in and out of the bedroom.

“For some BDSM is a way of forming relationship routines and rituals, and this doesn’t have to include roughness or pain,” Cooper adds. “Rather these individuals may thrive from having a structured relationship that a heteronormative vanilla non-BDSM relationship structure doesn’t offer.”

How to stay safe when exploring kink

Kinks vary a lot and some kinks are riskier than others. For example, if your kink is wearing a particular type of outfit and engaging in gentle roleplay, there may be less of a physical risk than if your kink is being spanked with a paddle. Either way, there are a few things to keep in mind to make sure your experience of exploring kink is safe, sane and consensual.

1. Have a proper conversation about consent

It’s crucial that you take the time to talk about consent with a new partner and ensure you keep having these conversations on a regular basis, particularly if you’re experimenting with more unusual kinks or BDSM.

This might also include specifying what you like and dislike, which could change over time. “If you’re exploring any forms of rough play, chat about areas that you’re ok with being marked,” Cooper recommends. “Talk about consent and explore consent models that may work for your relationship dynamic,” she adds. There are a couple of consent models to consider, including FRIES and RACK. FRIES stands for consent that is Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic and Specific. Apply this checklist when discussing what you do and don’t consent to. Or use RACK, which stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink when you’re discussing the possible outcomes of what you’re about to do. Do some research on consent to help facilitate your conversations and figure out what works for you.

2. Take things slowly

Just because you’re experimenting with kinky sex, that doesn’t mean you need to jump right in at the deep end and passion in the heat of the moment doesn’t excuse rushing in and not giving or getting consent. It can be exciting trying something new, especially if the idea of it turns you on, but your body and your brain will need time to adjust so don’t go steaming in.

“If you’re exploring BDSM with someone for the first time, including sex may be too much all at once and may result in some individuals crashing quickly during the experience,” says Cooper. “Taking things slowly and breaking things up into micro BDSM sessions [where you don’t actually have sex] may be easier at first until you’re both used to how each other’s bodies react.”

When it comes to other kinks and fetishes, you don’t have to dedicate a whole evening to them. There are ways you can incorporate them into the type of sex you usually have, easing yourself and your partner(s) in with little tasters here and there.

3. Keep things clean

If your kinks involve any types of prop or toy, remember the importance of hygiene. Taking your toys to the sink after hours of hot sex isn’t the hottest part of sex, but it’s definitely worth doing in order to avoid infections and things like thrush.

Looking after yourself as well as your toys is also important, explains Cooper. “Cleaning any areas that may have consensual marks before and after is important to avoid infection and making sure you disinfect items such as spanking paddles can help reduce any future risks,” Cooper adds.

4. Use safe words

A safe word is a term or phrase that signifies that one partner wants whatever is happening to stop. Choose one with your partner(s) and agree on what it means to you. For example, does it mean you simply want to stop the specific thing that is happening and move on to something else, or do you want to take a break from the scene altogether? Many people use the traffic light system – red, amber, green – so there’s a way to signify both of these things.

“Keeping safe words simple and accessible is important and talking through them before BDSM play is important,” Cooper says.

5. Remember aftercare

One of the most important parts of exploring a kink is aftercare. This is the part post-sex where you check in with your partner, talk about what just happened, what you enjoyed and what you didn’t enjoy and what you’d do differently next time. After sex, especially doing something kinky or new, it’s normal to feel vulnerable, so take this opportunity to show each other care and support.

If you’ve had some intense moments in your play session, ease each other down off the adrenaline high with soothing cuddles, massages and anything that makes you both feel good. Aftercare can be as simple as a shower together and a cup of tea.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Beginner’s Guide to Being a ‘Brat’ in BDSM

— If you like disobeying daddy, this one’s for you.

by Mashable SEA

Make me.

This is the trademark saying for brats. A “brat” is a delightfully disobedient sub within the Dom/sub dynamic in BDSM. “Brats enjoy questioning dominance, as well as like for dominance to be proven to them,” says Emerson Karsh, a kink educator.

Why would you want to be a brat during sex? Why wouldn’t you? Being cheeky, disobedient, and naughty is fun. It creates a sense of playfulness that is often missing in sex. Being a brat is a very fun way to engage with your submissive side, without being a stereotypical sub. Brats are mouthy, badly behaved, and keen on punishment.

In BDSM, not all submissions look the same. Playing with power dynamics gets very creative in the kink world. “Brats get great enjoyment from playing [a game of] cat and mouse, defying authority, and in turn receiving a ‘punishment’ from their Brat Tamer,” explains Julieta Chiaramonte, a kink instructor and sex expert.

If you’re turned on by disobedience, this might be something you want to explore.

Let’s break down what it means to be a brat in BDSM, how you can approach it safely and consensually, and some tips to get you started on your merry way.

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What it means to be a ‘brat.’

The brat is a very fun, quite cheeky submissive persona. It’s a submissive with a twist, Chiaramonte says.

A brat intentionally misbehaves in order to get a rise out of their Dom, often eliciting “punishments.” The brat enjoys driving the Dom a bit mad with their naughtiness. It’s all centered around defying authority, which can be very hot.

This all happens with enthusiastic consent. Everyone is on board.

The brat “may taunt, push boundaries, and really test their partners’ limits in hope of causing a reaction,” Chiaramonte explains. “This is very playful, and can be adjusted to your needs.” This all happens with enthusiastic consent. Everyone is on board. We’ll get into the nitty gritty of consent a bit later.

You might be asking how this is submission because, well, you’re being quite the brat. Karsh tells us that “brats express their submission in a way that is amusing, consensual, and done for a reaction.” You’re not being obedient in the classic Dom/sub way, but the brat will submit when their Dom decides to punish them.

The Dom is the ‘brat tamer.’

The brat tamer? You guessed it: This is the Dominant partner. They may choose to go by a different name (like sir, daddy, mommy, etc.), but the brat tamer is their style of Domination.

“Their ‘role’ is to put their brat in their place, remind them of the rules, and enforce punishments/order that they have created together,” Chiaramonte explains. “This is an authority role, and a brat tamer must be comfortable with taking control and being taunted by their bratty partner.”

Dr. Lee Phillips, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist, offers an example of the Brat/Brat Tamer dynamic in a scene: “In a role play, the sub (a brat) takes on the role of a subordinate to a moody boss. The ultimate goal is for the brat tamer to earn the brat’s respect because the brat enjoys pushing the brat tamer’s buttons by provoking them. In order to earn this respect, [the] Dom needs to tame or control the brat.”

This role is anything but soft, Karsh says. “A brat tamer is not afraid to put their foot down,” she says.

This role takes a lot of skill and development. Karsh continues, “A brat tamer is skilled in giving their brat space to be a brat and figuring out how to express and prove their dominance to their brat in response to their bratting — whether that be a punishment, orders, ignoring the behavior, or something else.”

Of course, all of this provoking and giving out punishments is 100 percent consensual in this dynamic.

How brats ‘act out’ (and how they get punished).

There is no clear-cut way to fully express the breadth of punishments and behaviors that can go into the brat dynamic, but we can certainly distill a few common examples.

Bratty dialogue.

Brats use “bratty” language with the explicit intention of provoking their Dom. Some common phrases include:

  • Make me.
  • That’s all?
  • You can do better than that.
  • You can’t make me.
  • Oh, yeah? What’s the worst that can happen?
  • Prove it.

Additionally, Philips says “a brat may act out by talking back to them by calling their tamer names, turning down a command, have a temper tantrum, ignore the tamer to provoke them, and speak when they are supposed to remain quiet.”

Bratty behavior.

Bratty behaviors run the gamut, but they’re usually done in a lighthearted, naughty way, Karsh explains. For example, if a Dom told the brat to “Come over here right now.” The brat might just sit down on the ground and refuse to move. Another example could be defying authority, Chiaramonte tells us. A brat tamer may tell their brat to be home at a certain time and the brat purposely comes back late. To be a brat is to be disobedient. And it’s all part of the fun.

Punishments for bratty little brats.

The ways a Dom can punish their brat are truly expansive. Punishments are negotiated before play takes place and everyone is always on the same page about what is on and off the table.

Some example of punishments:

  • Spankings.
  • Orgasm denial.
  • Forced silence.
  • Getting walked like a puppy.
  • Forced orgasm.
  • Bondage.
  • Tickling.
  • Being put in a cage.

How to engage in brat play in a safe way.

Do your research.

We can’t just jump into a role play without knowing what we’re doing. This can be a disaster. “Read articles and speak to others who are brats and submissives in your BDSM community,” Philips says. “If you are seeing a kink and BDSM-affirming therapist, they can help you explore BDSM as a part of your sexual identity or an aspect of sexual exploration.”

If you’re looking for a qualified therapist to help you explore this side of yourself, search for a kink-affirming therapist on the COSRT website. Be sure to check out their website and confirm that they are explicit about their work with kink.

Communication and consent.

If you want to have a good brat/Brat Tamer experience, you have to be on the same page as your partner. “Talk about your expectations, boundaries, limits, and what you hope to get out of this dynamic,” Chiaramonte says. “When you create this structure, you can play within the ‘lines’ and avoid unnecessary hiccups.”

Communication and consent are at the heart of positive BDSM dynamics. Scenes need to be thoroughly discussed so that everyone feels respected and taken care of. This takes a lot of trust.

“Talk to your Dom about your bratty interests first and discuss what the play will look like,” Philips says. “For example, will you be consenting to spanking if you misbehave? How hard do you want to be spanked for acting out? Do you want to be spanked over your tamer’s lap?”

Pick a safe word.

A safe word is a non-sexual word used in kink to denote that a boundary has been met. If you’re in a brat/Brat Tamer scene and something has crossed the line, you can invoke the safe word and stop the play. This gives you time to reconnect and figure out how you’d both like to move forward.

“All kink is a marathon, not a sprint.”

Go slowly.

This one truly cannot be emphasized enough. “All kink is a marathon, not a sprint,” Karsh says.

If you’re a brat beginner, you have to be willing to take your time and figure out what does and does not work for you. “Think and explore how brattiness will show up in your relationship. Being a brat can often come naturally [to some], so use that energy in exploring this in BDSM play.”

Don’t be afraid to get creative.

Your brat/Brat Tamer dynamic may grow and shift over time. Once you start getting comfortable in your role, you can test new and exciting ways to play with your brat side. “Don’t be afraid to get funky with it — your turn to do the dishes tonight? Have your partner find you drinking a glass of wine on the couch instead,” Chiaramonte says. As long as everyone is aware that this is role play, it’s all good.

BDSM is all about exploring different sides of yourself and having fun. If you want to embrace that bratty side of yours, go for it. There is no wrong way to play as long as everyone is having a good time.

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How to keep your sex life thriving after prostate cancer

— Poor sexual function is the most common consequence of prostate cancer treatment, but support through the NHS is patchy and many men suffer in silence.

By Laura Milne

When BBC presenter Gabby Logan and her husband Kenny, the former Scotland rugby union winger, experienced difficulties with their sex life after he had his prostate removed last year, rather than keep it under wraps, they decided to make a podcast about it.

The couple, who have been married for 22 years, discussed their issues in an interview about Kenny’s prostate cancer diagnosis and subsequent erectile dysfunction on Gabby’s podcast The Mid Point.

Kenny, 51, who won 70 international caps representing Scotland, said his wife, 50, had expected the passion in their relationship to be reignited “immediately” after his operation and when he was unable to perform, it knocked his confidence badly.

He said: “When we first tried to have sex after the operation, Gabby said, ‘Oh, it’s not working, that’s it, it’s not working’. You didn’t even give me a chance. What actually happened from that was my confidence went rock bottom.

Gabby and Kenny’s experience is far from unusual. In the UK, prostate cancer is the most commonly diagnosed cancer in men and more than 395,000 were living with it, or had been successfully treated for it, in 2018.

According to the Life After Prostate Cancer Diagnosis (LAPCD) study of 35,000 men in the UK, funded by men’s health charity Movember, poor sexual function is the most common consequence of prostate cancer treatment (79 percent with prostate cancer compared with 48per cent of men in the general population).

Unfortunately, the problem remains one that is either not addressed routinely or at all in prostate cancer care.

The LAPCD study found that 56 per cent of men were not offered any help with sexual dysfunction following their treatment.

Problems with sex can lead to stress, anxiety, anger and even shame.

Some men don’t like to talk about vulnerable feelings because they think they should be “strong and silent”. Others avoid talking because they’re overwhelmed or trying not to burden their partner.

But learning how to face these challenges and work through them can strengthen your sexual wellbeing, explains Dr Karen Robb, Implementation Director for Cancer at Movember. “Sexual wellbeing – the balance between the physical, social and emotional aspects of sex – has not always been a common topic of conversation, but fortunately that is changing,” she says.

“Talking about sex after prostate cancer can be uncomfortable but open communication between you and your partner, if you have one, is a key part of sexual recovery following treatment. Acknowledge what has changed for you so that you can do something about it, with the right support.”

Almost every kind of prostate cancer treatment, including surgery, can cause sexual dysfunction, the most common of which is erectile dysfunction or ED, following a prostatectomy (surgical removal of the prostate).

This means that although you may feel aroused or in the mood for sex, chances are you’ll have difficulty getting an erection.

Why does ED happen after prostate cancer surgery?

“Surgery to remove the prostate affects the nerves and blood supply around the penis,” explains Karen. “The penis needs a healthy blood flow to get an erection. Without this, it won’t become as hard as it did before surgery.”

During surgery, the entire prostate is removed. The nerves that help create erections run down the left and right sides of the prostate gland. The surgeon can usually take out the prostate without causing permanent harm to the nerves on either side.

But if your cancer is too close to the nerves, they may need to be cut out.

How long does ED last after surgery?

It might take some time to improve, and the level of function you get back depends on a number of things including your age, lifestyle, any medications you take and whether you had nerve-sparing surgery.

As Karen explains: “Some things you can work on, such as exercise and keeping a healthy weight.

“Some are a bit more out of your control. However, all are things you can talk about with your doctor and see what recommendations they have that can help.”

What can you do about ED after prostate cancer?

Sex and intimacy after prostate cancer can look different for everyone, but there are options to keep your sex life thriving. Exploring new ways to have sexual pleasure and intimacy is essential after treatment and can even be a way of improving your erections.

There are different types of ­medication and sexual aids that you can try, all with pros and cons.

Everyone is unique so you may need to try out a few options a number of times and perhaps in combination to settle on the best solution for you. Discuss this with your healthcare provider.

To support men and their partners following prostate cancer treatment, Movember has launched an evidence-based online guide
called Sex and Intimacy After Prostate Cancer.

Informed by sexual health experts, it covers ED, dealing with physical changes after surgery, connecting with a partner, restoring intimacy, and coping with stress and anxiety. It also provides practical strategies, such as exercises, information about medication and devices, and how to have conversations with your doctor or care team.

“It’s vital to talk and not to just ignore it”

Chris Pedlar, 56, took early retirement from the Environment Agency in 2022 after 33 years, and lives with his partner in Devon. Nine years ago, Chris became the third generation in his family to bediagnosed with prostate cancer.

“My grandfather died from prostate cancer and my father was treated for it when he was 60. He went on to live for another 25 years, cancer free. He made sure that I started having PSA tests at 45 and I was picked up as having medium-risk cancer at 48.

“I opted for surgery rather than radiotherapy as I knew I would have the option of additional radiotherapy later on.

“Due to my father’s experience, I knew beforehand what to expect. Although I recovered quickly from the surgery itself, I had some of the usual side effects, including erectile dysfunction and some minor urinary problems, which I’ll have for life. I tried all the usual interventions such as injections, which made me feel terrible, and pumps which, while they serve a purpose, are a huge commitment. It didn’t put me off seeking advice though.

“Sex is an important part of a relationship and just because you’ve had a cancer diagnosis, it doesn’t mean that part of your life is over.

“Cancer can put a massive strain on a relationship – it affects both partners and you need to be able to talk about it honestly with each other. My partner and I have found that humour is the best way to deal with the problems we had, and I was determined from day one, this was not going to get me down.

“Because of the stage my cancer was at when it was discovered, I wasn’t able to have nerve-sparing surgery. That meant drugs like sildenafil (Viagra) shouldn’t have worked for me because of the nerve damage caused by the surgery. Everyone’s situation is different, but I never gave up hope, and after three years I asked my doctor if I could give sildenafil a try to see if it would help in any way, and I was pleasantly surprised to find it worked for me.

“From the beginning, I decided to be very open about my cancer. I recognise that not everyone deals with the experience in the same way. A lot of men bury their heads in the sand and won’t ask for help, even though it is having a negative impact on their lives.

“I was comfortable with talking to my doctor about ED because I wanted to find a solution – but a lot of men are reluctant to even mention it and so they just suffer in silence, which can have a negative effect on their mental health and their relationships.

“We need to work harder to break down those barriers that prevent men from talking about problems seeking help and seeing their GP when they need to.”

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The Best Relationship Advice We’ve Gotten So Far This Year

— Strategies to resolve silly fights, hurt feelings and other issues.

By Catherine Pearson and Jancee Dunn

Experts increasingly know that human connection is integral to well-being, every bit as essential as getting enough sleep or moving your body. But relationships, particularly romantic partnerships, can be tricky. And we seldom receive the straightforward, evidence-based guidance we might get from a doctor about exercise or rest.

Relationships are a big part of what we cover on the Well desk, and we spend lots of time talking to researchers and therapists who are steeped in this stuff. So we are looking back on some of the best relationship advice we’ve covered so far in 2023.

Here is a roundup of tips to keep your connection strong and healthy.

Those silly-but-frequent fights have a root cause.

If you find yourself squabbling with your partner over low-stakes matters such as unwashed dishes or dirty laundry, pick a calm moment and sit down together, said Talal Alsaleem, a couples counselor from Rosedale, Calif.

Then, explore what is actually bugging you about the situation. Often, “it’s safer to fight about taking out the garbage” than about issues that revolve around, say, feeling powerless or dismissed, Dr. Alsaleem said.

Delve deeper to figure out what sets you off, said Patricia Lamas Alvarez, a couples therapist from South Pasadena, Calif., by asking yourself questions like: “What feeling does this bring up for me? Is it something I felt in childhood?” Then share these insights with your partner.

Ask this question if a loved one is upset.

When Heather Stella, a special-education teacher in upstate New York, has a student who is agitated or overwhelmed, she asks them one question: Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?

This simple question, Jancee Dunn discovered, works just as well in adult relationships. It shows empathy, respects boundaries, calms swirling emotions and helps partners take positive action.

Finding out whether your loved one wants to be helped, heard or hugged is really asking, “How can I meet your needs?” said Jada Jackson, a licensed mental health counselor in Dallas.

Defuse a fight with four simple phrases.

Here’s a situation that might seem familiar: As a conflict with your partner rises, you picture a thought-balloon above their head and fill it with whatever you imagine they are thinking.

This relationship-sabotaging habit is known as “unconscious storytelling,” said Terrence Real, a family therapist and the author of “Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship,” and “it can escalate an argument and distort the issue.” Instead of making assumptions that are possibly untrue, Mr. Real counsels people to share perceived slights using a therapeutic tool known as “the feedback wheel.”

It consists of four prompts: This is what I saw or heard. This is what I made up about it. This is how I felt. This is what would help me feel better. (The final statement, is vital, because “you can’t complain about not getting what you never asked for.” Mr. Real said.)

This process can help you shift from anger to vulnerability, Mr. Real said, so you can communicate respectfully, without placing blame.

Beware of ‘phubbing.’

“Phubbing” — a portmanteau of “phone” and “snubbing” — is an admittedly goofy word. But research shows that ignoring your partner to engage with your phone can lead to marital dissatisfaction and distrust.

“It really can have an impact,” said Anthony Chambers, the chief academic officer at the Family Institute at Northwestern University, even if one partner is just glancing briefly at his or her phone in the middle of a conversation.

Couples should set clear rules around phone use, said Katherine Hertlein, a professor at the Kirk Kerkorian School of Medicine at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, who studies the effect of technology on couples and families. Consider setting phone-free zones, like the dinner table or bedroom.

And don’t let resentments simmer. “As soon as you’re starting to identify those feelings of being hurt or frustrated or being snubbed,” Dr. Chambers said, “those are the times when you need to let your partner know.”

Increase your tolerance for talking about sex.

Most people rarely talk about sex with their partners, said Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and co-author of “Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life.” Or, as she previously told The Times, they discuss it only when there’s an issue.

But Ms. Marin believes communication is the foundation of a satisfying sex life, and talking about it is a skill partners can learn. She recommends starting with compliments, maybe about your partner’s appearance or about the connection you share. It can increase intimacy, and ease you into talking about sex on a more regular basis.

Or, consider a “sexual state of the union,” said Emily Morse, a sex educator who told The Times that couples should have a frank conversation about how things are going about once a month.

Keep it brief — not more than 10 minutes, Ms. Morse said — and try to be compassionate and open. Ask questions like: What would you like to see more of in our sex life?

Make the most of outside help.

Many couples delay seeing a therapist until they are stuck in patterns that have calcified, said Orna Guralnik, a Manhattan-based clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst featured in the Showtime documentary series “Couples Therapy.” At that point, she said, love (or good will) may have run out.

Still, experts acknowledged that finding a couples therapist could be time-consuming and difficult. Online digital directories, like those of Psychology Today and the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, can be a useful starting point. When you find a therapist, ask preliminary questions like: What will working with you be like? Have you dealt with my issue before? How do you handle secrets?

And don’t be afraid to offer feedback about your sessions, said Vanessa Bradden, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder and clinical director of Lakeview Therapy Group in Chicago.

“If somebody came to me and said: ‘Hey, you know what? In that last session I really wanted you to be a little more direct with me,’” she said, “I would love that.”

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Is Having Too Many Followers a Turnoff?

— Some women with jobs that require a high degree of visibility online say they have faced romantic rejection over the high number of their social media followers.

In response to snide comments from men, Sara Zeljkovic did the nearly unthinkable in the age of social media: She pared down her own follower count.

By Gina Cherelus

A few years ago, Sara Zeljkovic, a 25-year-old living in Toronto, started working to build her social media presence on TikTok and Instagram, assuming that having more followers was better.

Ms. Zeljkovic, freshly single after the end of an eight-year relationship, began posting more content, typically about beauty and travel, and gained traction, ultimately resulting in about 14,000 followers on TikTok and, she said, around 5,000 followers on Instagram. That’s when things changed.

While she was chatting with a man over drinks last year, the would-be date took issue with her follower count.

“He was like, ‘Oh, that’s such a red flag, you’re such a cool girl,’” she recalled. When he said it was “a shame” that she had so many followers, she added, “I almost spit my drink out.”

How does having a career that requires hypervisibility online — public relations, influencing, vlogging — affect a woman’s dating life? Is there a certain kind of man who is turned off by hustle, who finds a follower count in the thousands to be a deal breaker?

Having a sizable following on Instagram or TikTok can come with perks: internet fame, free products, sponsored trips. It’s little wonder that in 2019, about 54 percent of young Americans said they would become an influencer if given the opportunity, and nearly 90 percent said they would be willing to post sponsored content for money, according to a report by Morning Consult.

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Much as the idea of dating a “podcast bro” can be a turnoff for some women, the prejudice can work against women who also have public online platforms. Among men who have described such feelings online, the reasons vary: Some are insecure, worried that she might have other suitors in her DMs. Others enjoy their privacy and would rather not have their lives be mined for content.

Tyrese Dominique, a social media manager in Boston, said that although he would have no issue dating a woman with a lot of social media followers, he sympathized with many of his friends who would.

“I understand it, because if they have their own insecurity and they know that they can’t stop themselves from having that insecurity and having it affect their relationship with that person, it’s best that they don’t even try to force themselves,” he said.

After receiving one too many snippy comments from men about having far too many Instagram followers, Ms. Zeljkovic spent about two days in July pruning her following, ultimately bringing the count down to around 1,600. She also made her profile private, explaining that she had been told it was “a turnoff if a girl has an open profile.”

She said a culmination of factors led to her decision, including one time when she shared her Instagram handle with a man, and he was immediately scared off: “He was like, ‘Oh, like, you’re too big time for me.’”

“After I got home that night, I was just so fed up of hearing this,” Ms. Zeljkovic said. “Like, this was already eight or nine times I gave a guy my Instagram, and he made a comment.”

Christina Mantas, a community outreach coordinator, said that having more than 4,000 followers on Instagram has been enough to deter men. She has kept her Instagram public for about the last five years to network and to promote events she hosts for the various nonprofit organizations she works with. She said that her social media profile had become an issue while dating.

“There are some guys that will take me on a really nice date, and then they want me to post about it — like a public thank you of some sort — and I’m not comfortable to share that I’m spending time with them yet,” she said. “And then other guys freak out completely because they don’t want to be on my Instagram page.”

On a recent scroll through the dating app Hinge, Ms. Mantas, 36, came across a man who said he was looking for a woman with 1,000 Instagram followers or fewer. She said another man had told her that because of her frequent travels and food content, he wouldn’t be able to adequately provide for someone with her standards.

Shari DuBois, as seen in a TikTok video. She has long black hair and a gold watch and is looking in the distance toward her right.
Shari DuBois says that part of the reason some men are put off by influencers is that they assume “everything is going to be content.”

For Shari DuBois, a rapper and songwriter in Philadelphia, not immediately trading social media handles with dating prospects is one way she has managed to avoid the problems that can come with being a single woman with thousands of followers online.

Currently, Ms. DuBois is seeing a man she met on Facebook Dating, but she has not made him privy to her Instagram or TikTok, where she has 10,000 and 12,000 followers.

In her last two relationships, social media became “a bit of an issue.” So now, she goes out of her way to not exchange social media accounts with new men she meets so that they can first get to know her.

Some people who see the number of followers she has might assume she is receiving hundreds of thirsty DMs a day, she said. “That’s not the case,” she added. “I think people are also under the assumption that, like, everything is going to be content.”

However, Ms. DuBois admits that she’d prefer a man who didn’t have a high following on social media. For example, she “celebrated” the fact that her ex-boyfriend had 200 followers.

“I guess maybe some of the same assumptions that they might have for me, I may have for them,” she said.

Ms. Zeljkovic, who is currently in Serbia visiting family, recently started monetizing her TikTok content, which is still public. She said she sometimes felt waves of regret for going private on Instagram and for downsizing her following, adding that she might reverse course eventually.

“Right now, while I’m still single and trying to date and traveling back in my home country and stuff, it’s better to keep it like this until I get someone on lock,” she said.

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Can ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ Relationships Work?

By Gabrielle Kassel

The phrase “don’t ask, don’t tell” may bring to mind the discriminatory policy from the ’90s that kept LGBTQ+ folks in the U.S. military from sharing information about their sexuality or non-cis gender. But the phrase has another meaning in polyamorous circles: a non-monogamous relationship structure that allows some kinds of physical, sexual, and/or emotional connections with people outside the core (or primary) relationship.

Thankfully, the former interpretation of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was repealed by Congress in 2011, while the latter is a relationship agreement practiced by many lovers today. But what does a DADT relationship look like exactly? And can it work? Due to the down-low nature of the extra-relationship flings involved, the answers to these basic questions can feel nebulous—so we asked relationship therapists to set the record straight.

Experts In This Article

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) is a relationship agreement where both (or all) people in the relationship have enthusiastically consented to a relationship structure where one or more of the people in the relationship are free to pursue and engage in sexual, romantic, and/or emotional mingling with someone(s) outside of the relationship.

The catch, however, is that the people in the “original” relationship do not discuss these extra-relational connections, and therefore do not know what their partner is up to, explains psychotherapist and sex and relationship expert Rachel Wright, LMFT, host of the podcast The Wright Conversations: A Podcast About Sex, Relationships, and Mental Health. “Someone in one of these agreements, for example, might say things like, ‘I don’t care if my partner has sex with someone, but I don’t want to know anything about it’,” she says.

“Someone in one of these agreements, for example, might say things like, ‘I don’t care if my partner has sex with someone, but I don’t want to know anything about it.’”
—Rachel Wright, LMFT, psychotherapist

Exactly what the individuals in the relationship are allowed to pursue will vary, says Brett Chamberlin, executive director at the Organization for Polyamory & Ethical Non-monogamy. “Some agreements will allow the partners to have intercourse with other individuals so long as they use barriers, while other people may limit activity to kissing in public places, like on the dance floor,” he says. In the former example, it would be considered a breach of the relationship agreement (aka cheating) if one of the partners did not use protection, while in the other it would be considered a breach if someone went home with the cutie from the dance floor, he says.

How little (or much) the individuals in the relationship ask and tell also varies among DADT relationships. “Some people might want to know who their partner is seeing and where they are going, but not any of the specific details of what happens on the date,” says Chamberlin. Meanwhile, other people might be okay simply knowing that their partner is going out—and not knowing whether that’s with a right swipe, friend, or ongoing boo, he says.

Regardless of the exact agreements at play, a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” relationship structure allows people to receive only the information they actually want to receive, within a container that is safe, loving, and consensual. “It offers a clear and intentional way to create a filter valve on the flow of information,” says psychotherapist and board-certified sex therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT, CST.

Is DADT a form of non-monogamy?

Great question. “If everyone involved is consenting to it being a DADT situation, then yes, it is a form of non-monogamy,” says Wright.

As a refresher: Non-monogamy is any kind of relationship wherein people are allowed to, within the agreements of their relationship(s), form romantic and/or sexual connections with multiple people, explains Wright. You may have heard non-monogamy referred to as ethical non-monogamy (or ENM), but many polyamorous educators, therapists, and practitioners are moving away from that nomenclature, she says. Simply, because there is no such thing as unethical non-monogamy—if it’s not ethical, it’s not non-monogamy at all, but cheating.

“If not everyone is consenting to the DADT situation, then that would be cheating,” says Wright. Cheating, she explains, is about breaking a relationship agreement. “If the agreement is ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ then there’s nothing being broken when nothing is asked and nothing is told, and therefore it is not a form of cheating, but a style of non-monogamy.”

No, DADT relationships aren’t (usually) just lying in disguise

DADT relationships are often stereotyped for being used by monogamous folks to excuse away affairs and other extramarital lies, says Francis.

But there are many (many!) ways for folks to set up their DADT relationship that don’t involve lying, says Francis. “There is a common understanding that being honest means sharing all information possible at all times, and under this perspective, privacy—especially when there are firm lines around it—is deception,” she says.

But in actuality, it’s possible to be honest with your partner(s) without sharing absolutely everything. People with all different relationship structures actively filter out details of what they share and don’t share with their partner, says Francis. For instance: Do you volunteer all your financial activity to your partner? Do you share with them the details of your conversations with your friends? Do you talk about your bowel movements? “Every person and relationship has different agreements about what they do and do not choose to be shared,” says Francis.

The difference: In a relationship marked by honesty, the people within the relationship have created agreements about what needs to be shared—and what does not need to be shared—in order to honor each individual’s wants and boundaries.

The potential downsides of DADT

“There can be many problems with DADT, however it isn’t an inherently flawed relationship modality,” says Francis. Still, if you’re considering the structure for yourself, certain potential issues are worth acknowledging.

Generally speaking, DADT relationship structures work best when one (or all) of the people in the primary relationship travel for work, or the individuals do not live (aka nest) together, says Zane. Without these built-in separations, you’re more likely to fall into the pitfalls of lying, he says.

DADT dynamics also generally work best when the amount of sex, romance, or other agreed-upon form of intimacy you want to have outside of the relationship is relatively low. “If you’re constantly having sex with others, and then needing to lie about what you did and where you were to your partner, it’s likely that your relationship will explode rather quickly,” sex educator Zachary Zane, sex expert for the dating app Archer, previously told Well+Good.

Given the nature of the arrangement, DADT can offer particular challenges when a boundary is broken. After all, it can be tricky to disclose that a boundary was breached without sharing information that is normally deemed off-limits. That’s why Francis says it’s important to preemptively have a plan of action in place for moving forward if this happens. (More on this in a sec!)

A “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” relationship can work—here’s how to tell if it’s for you

1. Reflect, reflect, reflect

Sure, this type of agreement might sound perfect to you (and your partners) upon first glance. But before you implement it, Wright recommends digging a little deeper to understand why, exactly, this relationship set-up is appealing to you.

Start by analyzing your current relationship, she says, assuming you’re in one. Is a DADT relationship something that uniquely excites you… or is it your first-stop solution to a component that currently feels like it is missing? Are there other things you could implement—for instance, a weekly date night, mutual masturbation, a vibrator, etc.—that could also fill the same void? In general, introducing third (fourth, or fifth) parties is a messier, less effective way at fixing existing relationship issues than solving for the issue within the pre-existing dyad (or triad).

2. Think about your communication skills

Next, noodle on your comfortability communicating with your boo. Does this relationship structure have appeal to you because you don’t trust that your partner can share about their dalliances in a way that honors your feelings? Or, maybe it’s because you don’t trust yourself to tactfully share about your other bonds with your boo?

While these are both *fine* reasons to come to a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” relationship, they do hint at other communication break-downs within your dyad that will likely continue to come up, no matter your relationship structure.

“In an ideal situation, the folks practicing DADT are not using the label to shield themselves from honest communication, from the vulnerable process of relationship negotiation, or to ignore one another’s boundaries by doing things in secret,” says Francis. But rather, they are open to vulnerability, have strengthened their communication skills, and are choosing this structure because they’ve discerned it’s best for them after thoughtful deliberation, she says.

3. Negotiate for success

Given that the degree of discretion in DADT agreements can range from complete secrecy to, “I’d rather not hear about details of how you spent your time together with others until I’m in the right headspace to listen,” Francis notes that you and your partner(s) will need to get granular about what the DADT framework means for you specifically.

Here, Francis offers some questions to consider together:

  1. What information do you want to know for your health, safety, or well-being?
  2. What information do you need to know to feel respected, loved, and invested in this relationship?
  3. What information do you not want or need about my other relationships?
  4. Under what circumstances should I make something known, or signal to you that I want or need to share something with you?
  5. How will you signal to me that you’d like to know more details or information?

“Asking these questions bi-directionally can help you build a solid foundation for your non monogamy, and keep your choice to practice DADT,” she says.

4. Work with a couples therapist or polyamory coach

PSA: You don’t have to make this decision all on your own. A non-monogamy-informed couples therapist or polyamory educator can help you and your partner(s) figure out exactly what kind of relationship agreement(s) make sense for you.

“I work with a lot of couples who are opening up their monogamous relationship into a non-monogamous relationship and help them come up with agreements around what they want to ask and share, if anything,” says Wright.

5. Research other forms of non-monogamy

A DADT style relationship may be what you and your boo(s) decide works best for you. However, you won’t really know if that is the case until you learn about other forms of relationship agreements.

“There are some great discord servers, meet-up groups, online educators, and written resources on these topics,” Chamberlin says. Some great starting points are listening to the Multiamory podcast, reading books like Polysecure by Jessica Fern, and following polyamorous and non-monogamist sex educators like Remodeled Love, Gab Alexa, Bear & Fifi, and Chill Polyamory on Instagram.

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Tips on How to Increase Penis Sensitivity

— Experiencing a decrease in penis sensitivity can be a frustrating experience and something that people don’t often talk about. However, there are effective solutions available that can increase penis sensitivity and restore the pleasure experienced during sexual activities. This article will explore these solutions and provide valuable insights to help you regain a fulfilling and pleasurable sexual experience.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • Penis desensitization refers to reduced sensitivity in the penis, which can cause frustration and diminished sexual satisfaction.
  • People seek to enhance penis sensitivity for increased pleasure, intimacy, and sexual performance, leading to improved sexual satisfaction, confidence, and body image.
  • Penis desensitization may result from overstimulation, specific techniques, nerve damage, circulation problems, Peyronie’s disease, medications, age, psychological factors, hormone imbalances, drugs, alcohol, or medical conditions.
  • Treatments may involve lifestyle changes, medical management, and the use of products or exercises like Kegel exercises, cock rings, and topical solutions.

People seek to enhance penis sensitivity for various reasons, including heightened pleasure, improved intimacy, and enhanced sexual performance. Increased sensitivity in the penis plays a significant role in sexual experiences, allowing for a wide range of pleasurable sensations, deeper emotional connections with partners, and improved sexual response. It contributes to higher levels of sexual satisfaction, fosters better communication between partners, boosts sexual confidence, and positively impacts body image.

Understanding penis desensitization

Penis desensitization refers to experiencing reduced sensation in the penis compared to previous levels. While some sensitivity remains, it is noticeably less than what was previously experienced, leading to frustration and diminished sexual satisfaction. It is essential to distinguish this condition from a completely numb penis, where a person is unable to feel any sensation in certain areas or the entire penis.

What causes penis desensitization?

Penis desensitization can be caused by various factors, including:

  • Overstimulation or rough handling. Penis desensitization can be caused by overstimulation or rough handling during sexual activities, including gripping the penis too firmly during masturbation. Frequent or intense sexual activity without sufficient breaks in between can lead to temporary desensitization.
  • Specific masturbation techniques. Using a specific masturbation technique consistently may cause the penis to get used to that particular stimulation, making it challenging to experience pleasure through other means.
  • Nerve damage. Nerve damage in the penis can decrease sensitivity by disrupting the transmission of signals between the penis and the brain, leading to reduced sensation and responsiveness to sexual stimulation.
  • Circulation issues. Circulation issues can contribute to penile desensitization by affecting blood flow to the penis. Reduced blood flow can impact the delivery of oxygen and nutrients to the penile nerves and tissues, leading to decreased sensitivity.
  • Sitting for long periods. Prolonged sitting or bike riding can contribute to penile desensitization, as the pressure and reduced blood flow in the pelvic region can affect nerve sensitivity in the penis.
  • Peyronie’s disease. Peyronie’s disease involves the development of fibrous scar tissue, or plaques, within the penis, leading to penile curvature. This can also decrease sensitivity due to scarring.
  • Certain medications. Certain medications, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) used to treat depression and medications used to treat erectile dysfunction, have been associated with a decrease in penis sensitivity.
  • Age. Many people naturally experience decreased penis sensitivity as they age due to hormonal changes, reduced blood flow and nerve functioning, and medical conditions.
  • Psychological factors. Depression, stress, and anxiety are among the psychological factors that can contribute to penile desensitization.
  • Hormone imbalances. Hormone imbalances, such as hypogonadism, where the body doesn’t produce the correct amount of hormones, can cause a decrease in penis sensitivity.
  • Drugs and alcohol. Alcohol and drugs, including nicotine, can decrease sensitivity in the penis by affecting the nervous system and blood flow, leading to reduced nerve responsiveness and impaired circulation.
  • Certain medical conditions. Medical conditions and diseases such as diabetes, multiple sclerosis, heart disease, prostate disease or infections, and sexually transmitted infections can cause the penis to become desensitized.

How can you increase penis sensitivity?

Treatments for increasing penis sensitivity can vary depending on the underlying factors causing desensitization. Here are some potential approaches to enhance penis sensitivity:

  • Overstimulation or rough handling. To prevent overstimulation and rough handling, practice moderation during sexual activity and masturbation. Consider using lubrication to reduce friction and protect the delicate penile tissues. Experiment with different techniques and pressure levels to find what works best for maintaining sensitivity.
  • Nerve damage. If nerve damage is the cause of decreased sensitivity, consult a healthcare professional to identify the underlying condition and explore treatment options. Managing conditions like diabetes or multiple sclerosis can help preserve nerve function and potentially improve sensitivity.
  • Circulation issues. To enhance penile blood flow and sensitivity, maintain a healthy lifestyle that includes regular exercise, a balanced diet, and avoiding smoking. Consult a healthcare provider to manage circulatory issues that may contribute to decreased sensitivity.
  • Sitting for long periods. If your lifestyle involves extended periods of sitting, take frequent breaks to stand and move around. Invest in a cushioned seat or use ergonomic aids to reduce pressure on the pelvic area. If you are a regular bike rider, choose a seat that is wider and has cushioning.
  • Peyronie’s disease. If diagnosed with Peyronie’s disease, seek guidance from a urologist or specialist. They may recommend treatments like medications, traction devices, or surgery to address the condition and improve sensitivity.
  • Certain medications. If you suspect medications are affecting your penile sensitivity, consult your healthcare provider. They may adjust your medication or recommend alternative treatments to minimize side effects on sexual function.
  • Age. Adopt a healthy lifestyle to counteract the effects of aging on sensitivity. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and stress management can positively impact sexual health and function.
  • Psychological factors. Engage in stress-reducing activities like meditation, yoga, or hobbies to promote relaxation and improve overall well-being. Seek guidance from a mental health practitioner to address underlying psychological factors that may contribute to desensitization.
  • Hormone imbalances. Consult a healthcare professional for hormone testing and appropriate treatments if you suspect hormonal imbalances. Hormone replacement therapy may be recommended to address decreased sensitivity due to low testosterone levels.
  • Drugs and alcohol. Limit alcohol and drug consumption, as they can affect sexual function and sensitivity. Moderation or abstaining from these substances can lead to improved sexual experiences.
  • Certain medical conditions. Properly manage medical conditions like diabetes or cardiovascular disease with the help of healthcare professionals. Effective management can improve overall health and potentially restore penile sensitivity.

Are there products or exercises that can help?

Along with addressing any underlying causes of decreased sensitivity, several products and exercises can be beneficial.

Kegel exercises, which strengthen pelvic floor muscles, may enhance blood flow to the genital area, which could lead to increased sensitivity. Cock rings restrict blood flow out of the penis, which enhances erections and may intensify sensations. Various creams, sprays, and lubricants are available that can be applied directly on the penis, which stimulates the skin and potentially increases sensitivity.

When to seek professional help

When the decrease in sensitivity significantly impacts your sexual pleasure and daily life, or if you experience numbness in your penis or suspect an underlying condition contributing to the reduced sensitivity, seeking professional help is essential. Start by consulting a sexologist or a general practitioner who can guide you to the relevant specialist based on the underlying cause, ensuring you receive appropriate and targeted treatment for your specific needs.

How to communicate with your partner

Having open and honest communication with your partner about penile sensitivity is essential for maintaining a strong and intimate relationship. Sharing your feelings and experiences through “I” statements can help your partner understand the physical and emotional impact the decreased sensitivity may have on you. Approach the conversation with empathy and compassion, emphasizing that it is a medical condition rather than something caused by their actions.

Encourage your partner to actively participate in the discussion, seeking solutions as a team. Show appreciation for their understanding and support while addressing the issue. Being open about your needs and concerns allows your partner to be more empathetic and supportive, fostering a deeper connection and a more fulfilling sexual experience for both of you. Remember that communication is the key to overcoming challenges and building a strong and intimate bond with your partner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Sex Worker’s Guide To Dirty Talk

— Dirty talk is great for your relationship – here’s how to get started with some help from an expert.

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Whether you enjoy being called things you’d never accept outside of the bedroom or just enjoy your partner describing what they will be doing to you or what they are doing to you, dirty talk is a popular bedroom practice with seven in 10 Brits admitting that they can’t get enough of it and nine in 10 admitting that they get aroused whenever their partner talks sexually.

Not only is dirty talk incredibly arousing for some people, it’s also great for your relationship. A 2012 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found the more comfortable we are talking about sex, the more satisfactory our sex lives will become.

The researchers added that even the slightest bit of anxiety around communication affected whether partners were communicating or not which directly affected their satisfaction in the bedroom.

However, those who did communicate during sex were more likely to experience sexual satisfaction. Basically, enthusiastically engaging in sexy talk with your partner can heighten the sexual experience and improve communication between you both.

Of course, speaking sexy in dulcet tones doesn’t come naturally to all of us and as a nation, we’re quite prone to feeling self-aware and are famous for not being the most openly expressive people, to say the least.

For those of us that don’t feel like we can easily pull off dirty talk, HuffPost UK spoke to Jay Stark, a non-binary sex worker about how to get started on dirty talk.

Sex worker reveals how to get started with dirty talk in the bedroom

Stark admits that sexy talk didn’t come naturally to them either, saying, “’When I first started exploring dirty talk, it felt really intimidating. I’m a writer as well as an escort so I choose my words carefully… that can be quite unsexy in the bedroom!”

However, they admit that over time, they learned how to get into the groove of it and now, these are the tips they’d give to any beginner:

Narrate what you’re doing (to a point)

Dirty talk needn’t be complicated, you can quite literally narrate what you’re doing – especially if you’re stuck for ideas. Don’t be too formal and detailed though, no one needs a running commentary! Instead, focus on your more sensual movements and the things that are likely to turn your partner on, such as: “I’m caressing your side”, “See how I’m teasing your nipple”, and “I’m taking you in my hand and can feel you getting hard”.

Describe what you’re enjoying

Dirty talk is best when it’s vivid, descriptive, and positive. Think about what it is you’re enjoying about your sexual experience and describe that in real-time. For example, “I love your scent”, “Your skin is so wonderfully smooth”, “When you touch me there, it tingles in the best possible way”. This will fill your partner with confidence, deepen your connection and help ease you into the wild world of dirty talk.

Think about what you could do

Dirty talk is a way of bringing fantasies to life; if there’s something you would like to do, you can use dirty talk to introduce that idea. Equally, by talking about what you’re doing next, you can build excitement and intrigue, turning your partner on at the mere thought of what’s about to happen.

“I’m going to remove my panties and let you see how eager I am already”, or “I’m going to bury you under my body, push you into the mattress, and have my way with you” will definitely get you both going!

Of course, talking about hypotheticals can also be a fantasy of its own, completely unrelated to what you’re going to do in the moment. This way, you can add another layer to the erotic experience you’re enjoying.

Clarify your partner’s preferences

It’s important that you speak with your partner about any words they dislike; everyone has different preferences and you want to make sure they feel completely comfortable. For example, some people love degrading language during dirty talk, whilst others prefer more appreciative, complimentary words. Always check on this, the wrong tone can stop a hot session in its tracks.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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It’s Your Birthday. Bring on the Nudes.

— For a certain class of extremely online gay man, explicit photos are the go-to gift for friends and followers.

Selfie

By David Mack

When David Dulin celebrated his 36th birthday in March, he asked his Twitter followers for just two things: cash donations to his online payment account, and pictures of them in their own birthday suits.

“It started as a joke, but it’s just become something that we run with,” said Mr. Dulin, a retail worker in Charlotte, N.C. “Almost every birthday I’ll be like, ‘OK, Cash App and nudes: Drop them!’”

Mr. Dulin began coyly asking for nude photographs via social media on his birthday a few years ago as something of a test after seeing other gay men make similar requests on their own birthdays. He was surprised, he said, when some of his online acquaintances delivered on the invitation, admitting that they had been looking for an opportunity to flirt with him.

In recent years, many queer men have begun sending and receiving nude selfies on social media for their birthdays. Variations on “It’s my birthday, send nudes” have been uttered so frequently online that it has become something of a meme (or, at the very least, a generic way for a gay man to announce his birthday, whether or not he actually expects to receive any explicit images). The practice has become so normalized that the request is sometimes simplified to, “It’s my birthday — you know what to do.”

Brendan Drake, 36, a choreographer in Los Angeles who identifies as genderqueer, said he had made the request so often that this year on his birthday he received nudes from friends without even having to ask. “It’s almost like it was expected,” he said.

The trend of gay men soliciting nudes on their birthday speaks to the unique nature of gay friendships, but also plays into a social media culture that rewards humor, according to Tom Roach, who teaches gender and sexuality studies at Bryant University in Smithfield, R.I.

“I think it’s basically a provocation and a challenge, but in a campy way — it has a certain ‘wink, wink, nod, nod’ feel to it,” said Professor Roach, who has written books on queer friendships and digital relationships. “I don’t think people are sincerely, desperately seeking nude pictures of their friends. I think they’re doing it to be provocative, to be like, ‘Look at how shamelessly sex-positive I am!’”

In many parts of the country, it is not uncommon for gay people to have a more relaxed attitude toward sex, including alternatives to monogamy such as open relationships, and many gay friendships begin as casual sex encounters. A 2022 study also found that 85 percent of respondents who were in same-sex relationships had formed romantic partnerships out of friendships, while only 68 percent of all respondents said they had taken the “friends-to-lovers pathway.”

Gay men, of course, are not a monolith. But given the community was born out of a shared sexual attraction to men, Professor Roach said, it doesn’t surprise him that friendships between gay men today “don’t play by the same rules” as others.

In addition to cellphone cameras making it far easier to quickly snap and send a racy photo, social media apps like Instagram and X — the platform formerly known as Twitter — allow users to curate private lists of “close friends.” For many gay men, the feature can be used to ensure that an open call for birthday nudes reaches only a carefully selected audience — one excluding straight friends and colleagues.

Some of these behaviors mimic well-established practices on hookup apps, where the trading of sexually explicit images can be de rigueur. “It’s also importing some of the norms of Grindr into other platforms that don’t necessarily traffic in nudes,” Professor Roach said. “It’s kind of like worlds colliding.”

A birthday can also pose an opportunity for someone ordinarily too shy to solicit nudes to do so in a socially sanctioned way, while the messages themselves can function as an all-purpose declaration of consent for others to shoot their shot in the most risqué way possible.

“It really feels like a way of publicly doing so where the shame will just be slightly less,” said Manuel Betancourt, 38, the author of “The Male Gazed,” a collection of essays on thirst traps and queer longing. “Then, it can be a door, or it can be a window, or it could be sort of an opening into something else.”

The decision to send a birthday nude is often predicated on feelings of attraction, but it’s not always about seeking sex. Jake Niemeyer, a 32-year-old television editor in Los Angeles, said he had sent birthday nudes to online acquaintances as far away as Scotland with no expectations of physical intimacy.

“There’s next to no chance I will ever see this person in-person,” Mr. Niemeyer said. “But still, I find them attractive, they say they find me attractive and that’s kind of a nice feeling. It’s a safe way for both of you to have a micro sexual interaction.”

In a group that often celebrates and rewards idealized muscular bodies, leading some gay men to develop body-image issues, the act of swapping nudes with trusted friends can actually prove to be deeply affirming.

“It’s very body-positive,” said Zachary Zane, 32, a bisexual sex columnist. “You feel sexy, you feel affirmed, you feel validated and loved by your friends. It’s not an invitation to hook up; it’s more so us actually just supporting each other and showing each other love.”

The pandemic isolation of 2020 may have fueled the sharing of nude images among gay men who felt cut off from one another. For Mr. Drake, the choreographer, those fearful months made him worry less about whether his nude images were floating around online. Alone for several months with just his phone for company, he also found important intimacy in trading nudes with friends.

Having an online outlet for sexual expression “was actually a little lifesaving for me,” Mr. Drake said. “A lot of people will call it toxic, but I don’t think it’s toxic. I think it’s really life-affirming.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A sex educator explains orgasms

— Plus an exercise for expanded pleasure

The best orgasms come when you learn how to unlock a sexual “flow state.” Emily Nagoski, a sex educator, shares a meditation to help you get started.

With Emily Nagoski

EMILY NAGOSKI: Unfortunately, virtually all of the orgasms that are available to us in the mainstream media and in porn are fake. The classic example, of course, is “When Harry Met Sally,” Meg Ryan.

MEG RYAN: ‘Yes, yes, yes!’

EMILY NAGOSKI: Actually, what orgasm looks and sounds and feels like varies tremendously from person to person. But how do we learn about orgasm? We learn it from media, and we learn it from porn, and then we think we are doing it wrong if that’s not what our orgasm is like. And we’re not, we’re doing it right, we’re just not doing it the way we were told. And if other people have a problem with the way our orgasms actually are, those are not the people you have sex with. So the first thing we should talk about is what an orgasm actually is. Then we should talk about how they actually happen. Followed, of course, by why they sometimes don’t. And then at the end, I’ll give you some tips to have the biggest, most expansive orgasm you’ve had in your life.

I think people believe that orgasm is a genital function. It is not. Sometimes genitals are involved, but orgasm is something that happens in the brain. And there is a reliable neurological marker for when orgasm happens. And it depends how you measure it. If you measure it one way, at orgasm, the prefrontal cortex goes dark- all of the inhibitory impulses just vanish. In a different kind of machine, the brain lights up everywhere. It’s a whole brain response, orgasm. You have to have a brain to have an orgasm. How we experience an orgasm as pleasurable or not depends on the context in which we’re experiencing it. So when you have a great, sex-positive context, orgasm can feel really good. But for some people, they might have an orgasm during unwanted sex. In that case, the orgasm feels like a betrayal, like their body has done something wrong and they feel broken.

So what orgasm actually is, here’s the definition I use: “It is the spontaneous involuntary release of neuromuscular tension generated in response to sex-related stimuli.” People can have orgasms from having their toes sucked. People can have orgasms from having their ear lobe sucked. People can have orgasms through breath and imagination. The only measure of an orgasm is whether or not you wanted and liked it. If you wanted and liked it, then it doesn’t matter what kind of stimulation got you there. Whatever works for you, is what works for you.

So we can’t even necessarily differentiate between which organ in your body is causing the orgasm to happen. There’s only one: There’s a brain orgasm. We can really struggle around an issue like orgasm, which seems so simple, but we’re taught that our identities are tied to our ability to have orgasms. One of the common experiences for people who struggle with orgasm is this thing that sex therapists call “spectatoring.” Where instead of enjoying the sensations that are happening in your body, you’re sort of watching your body; and worrying about it and thinking about is your face okay, should you be bending your spine in that direction? And all of that worry about your body is just keeping the brakes on and making it more difficult for you to enjoy the sex you are having.

Charles Carver, the researcher in Florida who, with his colleagues, developed this mechanism called ‘Criterion velocity and the discrepancy-reducing increasing feedback loop.’ I just call it “the little monitor.” And it’s as if there is a little monitor in your brain that knows what your goal is. It keeps track of how much effort you put in toward that goal, and it notices how much progress you’re making toward that goal. And it has a strong opinion about the ratio of effort to progress. When your little monitor switches its assessment of your goal from being attainable to being unattainable, it pushes you off an emotional cliff from frustrated rage down into a pit of despair.

The ironic intervention when you’re struggling with orgasm is take orgasm entirely off the table for a long time, months at a time, and just explore your erotic landscape: experience high levels of arousal, and lower levels of arousal, and feel what it feels like to approach orgasm knowing that you are not going to have one. The reason we take away the goal entirely is to help the monitor relax. Are you achieving your goal? If your goal is pleasure, and your little monitor is like “Pleasure: check!” your monitor is released from the necessity of judging you and trying to motivate you to work harder. Working harder to have an orgasm is rarely the thing that’s gonna get people where they wanna go. And if people struggle too long and they feel like there’s something wrong with them and they’re broken, they absolutely find themselves in a pit of despair. And if you’re feeling in a dark place because there’s something wrong with your orgasms: connection with other people, connection is the most important antidote to the darkness. The only measure of an orgasm is whether or not you wanted and liked it. If you practice experiencing pleasure without making it goal-oriented or trying to achieve orgasm, but rather just to experience all the pleasurable sensations your body is capable of, you win every time.

So here’s an exercise that helps you to expand your orgasms: Anyone with any set of genitals of any gender identity can practice this. You can do it alone or with a partner. This takes about an hour, generally, and it takes a lot of practice. You gotta choose how you spend your time. You could do this or you could just like watch Netflix. It is not necessary in order to be a sexually-well person by any means; it is the equivalent of running a marathon. Nobody needs to do it, but if you need a hobby, I recommend this one. Versions of this are part of tantric meditations where they use Kundalini breathing in order to access different spiritual states, but ultimately, it’s about the physiology of how orgasm tension generates and dissipates. And when you can get to a place where as much tension is coming in as is going out at the same time, it’s like every cell in your body is resonating at the same rhythm, like you’re a bell that’s ringing. You’re gonna notice some things about this practice that will probably remind you of mindfulness or other forms of meditation, especially breath meditation.

I’m gonna ask you to pay attention to the sensations that are happening in your body. And that comes really easily to some people, and for others, it is quite difficult. They get distracted, and that’s fine. Like a mindfulness practice, if you notice other distracting thoughts come along, and maybe it’s a thought about body self-criticism, maybe it’s a thought about the past, just, “Hello, distracting thought. I’m gonna put you on a shelf right now, and I’m gonna turn my attention back to the sensations that are happening all over my body.”

Every orgasm is different from every other orgasm, but there are some strategies that work for a lot of people to move in the direction of having quite an enormous orgasm. You imagine arousal from like zero, not at all aroused to 10, currently having an orgasm. You stimulate yourself in whatever way works for you up to about a five, and then you allow that arousal to dissipate. You let yourself get back down to a one. So a one just feels like just barely any attention drifting toward orgasm. And then you stimulate yourself back up to a six, right? This is still a middle level of arousal. You’re not very aroused, you’re nowhere near orgasm. And then you allow your arousal to drift back down to a two and then you stimulate yourself back up to a seven. And if you are at the beginning of this process, you’re gonna be learning what seven feels like versus a three, which you’re gonna let your arousal drift back down to a three, and then you’re going up to an eight. And at eight, you’re real aroused. You might see the orgasm train coming to the station. It’s not there yet, but you can hear it- there’s a whistle. And then you allow your arousal to drift back down to a four or a five. And then you go up to an eight and a half, go back down to a six. And up to a nine.

Now when you get to a nine, the orgasm train is pulling into the station and the doors are opening and you would like to get on, but you’re gonna put active effort into allowing your arousal to dissipate. Remember, it’s neurophysiological tension, so you’re just going to allow the tension. You’re literally going to breathe and soften all the muscles of your body because as you get to that eight, eight and a half, nine level of arousal, you’re gonna begin to experience carpal pedal spasms, carpal like carpal tunnel syndrome. Your hands are gonna clutch and your feet are gonna point and your ankles. And that’s involuntary. And you’re gonna make a voluntary choice to soften all of your muscles and let your arousal go back down to a seven, which is a high level of arousal but it’s not an eight or a nine. And you go back up to a nine and a half. Now at a nine and a half, you’ve got one foot on the train and it might feel like it’s pulling outta the station. And you know what? If the train pulls outta the station while you’re on the orgasm train, “Oh dear, you had an orgasm.” That’s not failure, right? But, if you can, you keep your foot off the orgasm train and you go back down to an eight, nine and three quarters and an eight and a half, and a 9.85 where you are really close like you can feel the orgasm right there. And you’re gonna soften all the muscles in your body from your core out to the periphery. And at this point, you are oscillating right at the peak of where orgasm is. And if you can maintain a balance of tension generation and tension relaxation, you can stay in that state and sustain it indefinitely.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to talk about a kink or fetish with your partner

— Being honest about our sexual desires can feel like sharing a secret – here’s some tips on how to broach the conversation

By Brit Dawson

When telling your partner about a particular kink or fetish you have, here’s some pretty solid advice: “Don’t sit them down to tell them you’ve ordered vampire gloves and a fuck cage and that you want them to use them on you.”

At least, that’s what Lucy* recommends, who believes that it’s better to start small. BDSM is a spectrum, after all. Lucy’s kink is rough sex (but “only with the right man”) and being dominated. Before vocally broaching this with existing partners, Lucy tends to hint at these desires during sex. “If you like your hair pulled, or think you’d like it, make lots of noise of pleasure if they put their hands in your hair,” she suggests. “Give your partner confidence; tell them what’s amazing with your voice, sounds, body, and reactions.”

She’s also into shibari, a form of rope bondage that centres on visual aesthetics, but usually brings this up a little later – and eases them in. “I explain how liberating and freeing I find being tied up,” says Lucy. “I use life-drawing classes as my comparison, and show them pictures of me clothed in a non-sexual dynamic with my rigger.”

Although new partners tend to figure out their shared politics, values, and relationship goals early on, for many, discussions about sexual desires tend to come later – if at all. Combine this with the fact that many non-‘traditional’ sexual practices still remain taboo, and suddenly, being honest with your partner about your desires can feel like a daunting task.

“Telling a partner about a fetish can be like sharing a secret,” says Judith Langer, a sexologist who works at the sex-positive community JOYclub. “We make ourselves vulnerable, and that requires courage. This might be the first time you have openly spoken about your kink, it might be less common, you may even be unsure of your own feelings, and you might be uncertain about how your partner will react. All of these factors can understandably cause anxiety.”

Still, that doesn’t mean you should shy away from sharing the secret – after all, vulnerability can make for a stronger relationship and a more intimate sex life. Plus, your partner may share your desire and it’ll be another way you connect. Or, they might not; but that doesn’t mean they’ll react badly, nor that the two of you are destined to be sexually incompatible.

Before you talk to your partner about a kink (something that increases your pleasure, but isn’t essential) or fetish (something that you need for arousal and pleasure), you might want to explore kink for yourself first, especially if it’s new to you. This can involve watching different types of porn, exploring materials, smells, sounds, or aesthetics that you find pleasurable, learning about the kink via podcasts, articles, talks, or classes, and experimenting with solo play. “Doing a little bit of this on your own can better equip you for having conversations with a partner,” says Sophia Rose, a London-based facilitator, educator, and artist working with consent, rope bondage, kink, and sexuality. “Consent and getting in touch with our limits and boundaries starts with ourselves.”

There’s no right way to then share this interest with your partner, and the way you approach it will depend on your relationship to them, your sexual history, whether you’re sharing a kink or a fetish, and what type of kink or fetish it is. Having said that, there are some general tips that are worth considering.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!