Month: February 2021

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How to broach the topic of sex toys with your partner

By Ashley Laderer

  • To introduce sex toys into your relationship gently, be sure to avoid complaining or critiquing your partner’s sexual performance.
  • You should also be direct with your desires, but willing to compromise based on what your partner wants.
  • Looking for a toy together can also help you to come to a decision with your partner.

If you’ve never used sex toys in your relationship, it may seem daunting and awkward to bring it up to your partner.

But opening a dialogue about sex toys can help with both communication and sexual pleasure — and the benefits don’t stop there.

“Many folks report that using sex toys helps to inject novelty into long-term relationships and their mere presence can help to open the lines of communication with regard to desires, boundaries, likes, and dislikes,” says sex and relationship expert Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the SexWithDrJess Podcast.

Here are five expert-approved tips for communicating with your partner to introduce sex toys into the relationship.

1. Frame your desires as requests as opposed to complaints

Your partner will likely be more receptive to the idea of sex toys if you are careful to avoid inadvertently offending them. Many people are sensitive about their sexual performance, so be sure to frame it as an exciting thing to try together, not a replacement for your partner’s body.

To do this, make sure that your communication doesn’t come off as a complaint or criticism, O’Reilly says. She recommends using the following formula:

  1. Start with the positive.
  2. Make an inquiry.
  3. Make a request that includes your partner.

For example:

  1. I loved how it felt last night…
  2. Have you ever thought about trying a toy?
  3. I’d love to try using a vibrator during sex with you.

2. Share how you feel

On top of sharing your desires, you should also share how you feel about utilizing sex toys, says Wright.

She suggests saying something like:

  • “I feel excited about the possibility of bringing X toy into our lives.”
  • “I feel nervous to share the toys that look fun to me.”

Be sure that you’re sharing a true emotion, and don’t be afraid to hold back from your partner.

“It’s really important to communicate your emotions to your partner(s), not just your thoughts,” says New York City-based sex therapist Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT.

3. Be direct but willing to compromise

Sit with yourself for a moment and be clear about understanding what you really want. Let your partner know what you want directly, and then ask them what they think and how they feel.

“It’s a combination of being direct and assertive with what you want with the flexibility of compromise by asking how the other person feels about it,” says Wright.

For example, you can name a specific toy or type of toy that you’d like to try out, and then ask them what they think about that toy. This opens the door for a two-way discussion that takes both of your needs into consideration. 

4. Look for a toy together

Make the toy hunt a collaborative experience.

O’Reilly suggests that you check out some toys together online. This way, you can get a feel for what each one of you is into and make a decision together, compromising if necessary.

Alternatively, you can make a date out of visiting the local sex shop to pick out a toy in person.

“Often, the employees are highly trained in helping you find the best toy for you. It can be a fun bonding experience from finding it, buying it, cleaning it, and using it,” says Wright.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Have a Threesome

— Whether You’re Single or in a Relationship

by Gabrielle Kassel

Third time’s the charm? More like: add a third, have a climax!

Today we’re talking all things three-ways.

Whether you’re monogamous, monogam-ish, open, polyamorous, single, dating, married, or somewhere in between, you’ll find something in this beginner’s guide for you.

The definition of threesome is probably looser than you think it is.

Ready? A threesome is sex between three people.

And sex is any meaningful act of pleasure that happens in person or with the help of technology, as defined by sex educator, psychotherapist, and marriage and relationship expert Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT.

So a threesome could be anything from an R-rated group chat or a three-way phone sex call to an oral sex chain or an Eiffel Tower.

“Threesomes aren’t a cure-all for a broken relationship,” says certified intimacy educator and sex coach Stella Harris, author of “The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes.”

“The added pressure of an extra person is likely to amplify any cracks in a pre-established relationship’s stability,” she says.

Basically, a threesome is the opposite of a Band-Aid.

“For threesomes to go smoothly when there’s an existing couple involved, that relationship already needs to be solid,” she adds.

A solid relationship is one in which you can:

  • talk about both your wins and insecurities
  • hear your partner and feel heard by your partner
  • trust each other

Think about it: A threesome offers more hands, holes, and lips, as well as more scents, tastes, and sounds.

So the most common reason people have threesomes is to experience pleasure.

But there are other reasons, too. You might want:

And, hey, taboos can be hot!

The disparity between the number of folks who want to have a threesome and the number of folks actually having them is probably a lot larger than you’ve been led to believe.

Ready?

According to a survey of 4,175 adults conducted by Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a sex researcher and author of “Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life,” 87 percent of women and 97 percent of men fantasize about having sex with more than one person.

The survey didn’t break this fantasy down into specifics, so this figure could include other forms of group sex, too.

All that said, some researchTrusted Source suggests that only 10 percent of women and 18 percent of men have actually had a threesome. Sigh.

It’s important to note that neither the survey nor the 2017 study mentioned above polled folks of other genders.

A sad consequence of living in a sex-negative society is that many often assume that threesomes are reserved for the kinkiest among us.

While there’s nothing (!!) wrong with this, the truth is that engaging in group sex doesn’t have to say anything about who you are.

Anyone who wants to have a threesome can have one!

N-O-P-E!

You can be any gender, sex, or sexuality and enjoy a three-way.

“There’s a common fear amidst straight men that you can’t be in a threesome with another man and still be straight,” explains Shelby Ring, sexuality advocate and lead educator with Ruby Riot Creatives (a boutique videography firm based in Charleston, South Carolina).

“But you can absolutely have a threesome with another man and still be straight as a door nail.”

Remember:

  1. Being in a threesome with someone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to be touching them.

  2. Sexual acts don’t determine sexual orientation — only self-identification does.

Historically, threesomes have been named according to the make-up of males and females in them.

These terms include:

  • MMM: Male-male-male
  • FFF: Female-female-female
  • MFM: Male-female-male
  • FMF: Female-male-female
  • MMF: Male-male-female
  • FFM: Female-female-male

Nowadays, these designations are considered out of style.

The terms “male” and “female” suggest a biological binary that doesn’t exist.

Sometimes, the phrases “penis-owner” and “vagina-owner” are used to explain the make-up of a threesome. For example, PPV means a threesome with a penis-owner, penis-owner, and vagina-owner.

But these terms can create gender or genital dysphoria in folks who don’t feel connected to their genitals.

The best way to describe the configuration of your threesome is by the genders of each person involved. Are two of you nonbinary and one of you gender-fluid? Just say that!

A threesome isn’t a puppy! You can’t put it in a box with a bow under the Christmas tree, whip it out mid-romp, and yell “surprise.”

Introducing a third person into the bedroom requires tact and lots of open communication.

For instance, you might say:

  • “Babe, have you ever had a threesome? Or wanted to have a threesome?”
  • “I had the hottest threesome dream featuring you, me, and Ruby Rose last night. Can I tell you about it?”
  • “I recently read an article about threesomes, and it made me think it’s something that might be really fun to try together. Is it something you’d ever be interested in?”

Another option: Watch an episode or movie with a threesome or group sex scene together, then do a temperature check.

Popular movies and shows with group-play representation include:

  • “Sense 8”
  • “The L Word”
  • “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”
  • “Easy”
  • “House of Cards”
  • “Elite”
  • “Game of Thrones”

While watching, you might consider saying, “Do you ever fantasize about doing that?” or “Have you ever wanted to have a threesome with me and another person?”

Of course, if they’re recoiling with discomfort, read (!) the (!) room (!).

 

Before you and your partner decide to move forward, Harris recommends that you both examine why you want to have a threesome.

“Are your ‘whys’ compatible? How does hearing their reasons make you feel?” she asks.

You’ll also want to discuss your relationship with jealousy.

“Are you prone to jealousy or insecurity? Do you feel comfortable speaking up for yourself and your boundaries?” she adds.

“Remember: Multi-person play can end up pressing on any weak points in your confidence or relationship.”

This depends on a variety of things, like whether you’re looking with someone else or alone and if physical distancing orders have been lifted.

Use a dating app geared towards threesomes

“There are dating apps geared toward kink or open relationships, which allow you to screen for people who are game for this kind of play before making your approach,” Harris says.

Some popular threesome dating apps include:

Or respectfully use another dating app

Obvi, there are other dating apps, too.

If you use an app that isn’t geared specifically toward group sex, Harris recommends that you “make sure to be transparent that you’re dating as a couple, or that you’re single and looking to join a couple.”

Attend an IRL or URL sex party

“In a sexually charged environment, like at a sex club or play party, these kinds of proposals typically feel pretty natural,” Harris says.

To find the sex clubs nearest you, hit up Google. Search for “sex club in [insert city here].”

To find a local play party, ask the educators at your local feminist sex shop.

Look within your polycule

If you’re polyamorous, you might consider looking within your non-monogamous network! As the saying goes, a polycule that plays together stays together…

You might say:

  • “My other partner finds you incredibly beautiful, and we were wondering if you might be interested in sleeping with us both?”
  • “You know my other partner? We’re interested in having a threesome together. Is that something you might be interested in?”

Don’t only talk about the potential threesome

Whether IRL or URL, “make sure to show an interest in the potential third beyond just sex,” Harris says.

Instead of launching right into threesome talk, get to know them.

“You want to find people you can enjoy talking to, not just fooling around with,” she says.

“Before you start playing, clarity is crucial,” Ring says.

Before clothes start coming off, she recommends discussing:

  • STI status
  • the sex acts that are “acceptable sex acts”
  • the birth control methods that are going to be used and by whom
  • the barrier methods that are going to be used, by whom, and when
  • the desired frequency for the three-way
  • whether there’s potential for the three-way to evolve into a (romantic) triad
  • where everyone will be sleeping after the threesome
  • the types of interactions you’ll have in the days, weeks, and months after the threesome

“Though these conversations may be uncomfortable at first, the more clarity you have, the better,” Ring adds.

Plus, having these clear communications upfront may be a great precursor to feel out the others’ emotional intelligence, too.

“If someone flares up at the thought of having to get STI tested, or becomes extremely reactive when talking about off-limit sex acts, that’s a red flag.”

There’s just one rule for group play: Everyone involved needs to feel — and encouraged to feel — safe, comfortable, and respected.

Beyond that, it’s up to you all to decide who touches who, when, how, and in what order.

Be direct

Wondering how the heck to go from talking about the weather to talking about how wet (or hard) you all are? Harris recommends being direct.

“Sometimes the best way to get there is simply by being direct,” she says. “You might say ‘Would you like to go upstairs/to the bedroom?’ or ‘May I kiss you now?’”

“As long as everyone knows the plan is for a threesome, you don’t need to be coy at this point.” Fair.

Let the more experienced person be the top

Has someone in the group had a threesome before? Harris suggests letting them take the reins.

“If someone in the group is more experienced, it can help if everyone agrees to let them take the lead.”

Consistently communicate

Just as constant communication is the key to pleasurable two-person play, it’s also key to three-person play, says Luna Matatas, sexuality educator and creator of Peg The Patriarchy.

Here are some questions you might ask throughout:

  • “How does this feel?”
  • “Do you like it like this [performs one type of touch/lick/bite], or like this [performs another]?”
  • “How are you doing, baby?”

Some folks are OK with a quick check-in before they’re out the door. Others want to cuddle or hop in the shower. Some pairs want to Talk It Out after the third leaves.

There’s no wrong post-threesome move, per say. But you do want to be respectful of everyone’s emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual needs.

“Like with most things, the only way to be sure you’re on the same page is to ask,” says Harris.

You might say:

  • “Does anyone need water or food?”
  • “How are everyone’s muscles, genitals, and energy levels? Does anyone need ice, a heating pad, lube, or CBD suppository?”
  • “How are you feeling emotionally?”
  • “What are you thinking about?”

“You can also check in with your threesome group the day after and invite any conversations now that the sexy dust has settled,” Matatas says.

Sure, you could you whip out Siri and ask, “What does DP mean?” Or you could pursue the short threesome term sheet below.

Unicorn

A unicorn is an omnisexual (i.e. pansexual or bisexual) individual who’s down to hook-up with both members of a pre-established couple in a no-strings-attached three-way.

Historically, the term referred specifically to bisexual women, but it has since expanded to refer to eager thirds across the spectrum.

Guest star

Often used synonymous with unicorn, the term guest star suggests that the third (who is not part of the established couple) is going to receive the majority of the attention.

Daisy chain

Daisy chaining is the three-person version of 69-ing. It involves everyone simultaneously giving and receiving oral sex.

Double penetration (DP)

Any sex act that involves one person having one or more orifices — anus, vagina, or mouth — filled with two things.

This could include any combination of penises, dildos, ball gags, butt plugs, other sex toys, or fingers.

Double vaginal penetration (DVP)

This happens when a vagina-owner has their vaginal canal simultaneously filled by two penises, two dildos, or one of each.

Threesomes can be pleasurable as long as there’s plenty of chit-chat along the way.

So, in the words of Tash Sultana and Matt Corby, “Let’s talk it out, talk it out, talk it out. Baby let’s talk it out, talk it out, talk it out.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Am I Always Horny?

These 3 Reasons Could Explain It

What’s “normal” when it comes to libido, according to experts.

By Mia Cross

Sexual turn-ons and libido vary widely from person to person. But if you’re finding yourself horny all the time, you might be concerned if this is normal and okay, or if it’s a sign of a bigger issue. Here’s what sex experts had to say about what’s normal, what’s not, and why you might want sex constantly.

What’s normal when it comes to sex drive

Experts agree that it’s difficult to establish what’s “normal” when it comes to arousal and frequency of sexual activity. Using words like “normal” doesn’t actually help, because desire and drive for sex fluctuates throughout life, and you should never feel like your experience is less valid that anybody else’s.

Basically, a normal, healthy sex drive is one that you feel comfortable with—whether that’s wanting sex once a month or twice a day.

Most couples typically have sex once a week, according to a large national analysis of sexual frequency from 1989 through 2014, published in Archives of Sexual Behavior in 2017. Of course, how much sex you have and how much sex you want are often very different things. Studies have found that around half of men and women in heterosexual relationships are content with how often they have sex with their partners, with half of the men dissatisfied with the amount of sex they’re having usually because they want more sex. About two-thirds of unsatisfied women also want more sex.

What if you’re always horny?

“The key difference between ‘normal’ or healthy sexuality and concerning sexuality is the presence of distress about your sexuality, a sense the behavior is out of control, and/or negative, real-world consequences to your sexual behavior,” Sarah Melancon, PhD, a sociologist, clinical sexologist, and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com, tells Health.

If you believe you’re having too many sexual urges for your personal comfort level, or you seem to be in a state of constant stimulation, here are three possible explanations.

You’re just hot for your partner

If you describe yourself as horny all the time, you might be overthinking things. The early stages of a relationship (roughly the first three months to two years) tend to be marked by passion and excitement, which often translate to high levels of sexual desire and activity, Melancon says. This is often called the “limerence” stage of a relationship and involves a number of hormones and neurotransmitters that create very strong emotional and sexual feelings.

Although couples in long-term relationships—no matter how happy they are together—can’t return to the limerence stage, they can continue to enjoy their sex life by building trust, a sense of commitment, and having open communication about their sexual needs, Melancon says.

You’re “addicted” to sex

So-called sex addiction is similar to “addition” to video games, cell phone use, or porn viewing—basically, these behaviors are not physiologically addictive in the same way as heroin, alcohol, or cocaine,” Melancon explains. Plus, there’s some concern that telling someone they are addicted to sex stigmatizes people with higher sex drives. The traditional addiction model does not adequately address the underlying issues leading to the behavior of people in whom sex is compulsive or impulsive.

Sex addiction was considered for inclusion in DSM-5, the most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders—a key diagnostic tool used by US practitioners to diagnose psychiatric illnesses. But it was rejected due to lack of evidence. However, in his 2016 article in the journal Addiction, Richard B. Krueger, MD, medical director at New York State Psychiatric Institute’s sexual behavior clinic, said that a diagnosis of hypersexual or compulsive sexual behavior can still be made using the ICD‐10 (the 10th revision of the International Classification of Diseases, which is considered the global standard for coding health information and causes of death) and the DSM‐5.

There’s ongoing debate among professionals about the idea of “sex addiction.” “Some think it is a manufactured disorder and that it pathologizes sexual behavior,” Dr. Krueger tells Health. “Others think that it is a behavioral addiction, such as internet gaming disorder or pathological gambling disorder.” (He is of the opinion that it is possible to be addicted to sex.)

“Sex addiction affects countless adolescents and adults who I evaluate in clinic,” Leela R. Magavi, MD, a child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist and regional medical director for California-based Community Psychiatry, tells Health. “Some individuals contend that masturbating or having sex recurrently helps them attain a sense of pleasure equivalent to what they experience when they gamble or use a substance such as cocaine.”

You have hypersexuality disorder

“Some individuals use the terms ‘sex addiction’ and ‘hypersexuality’ interchangeably,” Dr. Magavi says. “Sex addiction and hypersexuality may affect individuals’ functionality and cause relationship concerns.”

Mental health practitioners consider certain factors when treating somebody who is concerned by their own sexual behavior. Melancon says there are a number of reasons somebody’s sex drive can rise that are worth looking into. “Sex can be used as a coping mechanism, much in the way people eat their feelings, binge watch, drink, or use drugs to avoid dealing with their emotions and problems,” she explains. In some cases, trauma (sexual or non-sexual) can lead to hypersexual behavior— Melancon says this is largely a way to deal with ongoing and uncomfortable nervous system reactions in the body.

Some mental health conditions, such as obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) may be associated with a change in sex drive and sexual interest.

What to do if you’re worried about your high sex drive

It’s definitely possible to have a very high sex drive and have healthy sexual relationships, but an elevated sex drive might lead to risky sexual behavior, Melancon warns. This may present as sex without a condom or birth control, legal risks (such as sex in public places), and/or crossing others’ boundaries (such as manipulating others for sex or in extreme cases, committing rape or sexual assault).

If you’re concerned about the risks of your high sex drive, she suggests considering certain questions: Are there emotional, relational, or behavioral patterns in your sex drive and/or sexual behavior? (i.e., do certain emotions, relationship challenges, or behaviors seem to lead to increased sexual interest?) If you are acting on your sexual urges, are you keeping yourself safe or are you putting yourself at risk in ways you would not if your sex drive was lower? Have you experienced any negative consequences from your sexual behavior?

Also ask yourself if you have unmet emotional needs that you may be attempting to address through sex. “For instance, some people crave to feel wanted, seen (literally and figuratively), or loved—and while all of these are perfectly human wants, they may attempt to get them met through unhealthy ways, which often ironically take us farther from what we truly need deep down,” Melancon explains.

If you notice that sex is taking the place of time spent with family, sleeping, or eating, and/or it’s affecting your day-to-day functionality overall, schedule an appointment with a psychologist or psychiatrist, Dr. Magavi advises. If you feel like you’re losing control, or you feel helpless, it’s important to reach out for help.

During any professional evaluation, it’s normal to be asked if you have any concerns about your sexual functioning or beahvior, Dr. Krueger says. To get the most out of the experience, be honest and remember that no reputable mental health practitioner will pass moral judgment. Their role is to help you work through the root issues and reach a place where you’re happy and comfortable with your sex drive—whatever it looks like.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to talk to kids about sex

— An age-by-age guide to sex education for parents

t’s important to discuss sex with your children throughout their lives.

By Rebecca Strong

  • It’s never too early to discuss gender identity or consent.
  • Non-judgmental, inclusive, body-positive language is key.
  • Teens say their parents have the greatest influence over their decisions about sex.

Talking about sex with your kids may feel overwhelming, but it’s important to keep an open line of communication at an early age.

Children who are well-educated about their own sexuality will likely have higher self-esteem and make choices about their sexuality that they are happier with.

It can also ensure they feel safe coming to you with questions and concerns instead of uninformed peers or the dice roll of the internet.

Clinical psychologist Joshua Klapow, PhD, recommends researching the physical changes your child is experiencing at every age and listening to them while encouraging an open dialogue rather than lecturing them.

We spoke to Kapow, as well as board-certified child psychologist Lea Lis and certified sex educator Laura McGuire, for guidelines on how to talk to kids about sex at every age.

Kids under the age of 5 

You may assume it’s too soon to start talking to your preschooler or toddler about sex, but it’s only natural for them to have some questions about their bodies as they begin to walk and talk, according to Mayo Clinic.

For example, if your toddler asks where babies come from, the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry recommends giving them a truthful but simple response. For example, you can say “each person starts as a combination of seeds from two people. That seed grows inside of a place called a uterus, which is inside of a belly.

Topics to address at this age

  • Anatomical names for private body parts:  If your child asks about their gender as it pertains to their genitalia, parents should avoid euphemisms or “pet” names. Klapow recommends telling them the anatomically correct term for it, and what it’s used for — like how pee comes from a penis or a vulva. Using standard anatomical terminology for private body parts promotes self-confidence, open communication, and positive body image, as well as gives them the proper language to seek help in the event of sexual abuse or a medical issue.
  • Gender: They haven’t developed a concept of nakedness or modesty yet, but according to the National Center on Parent, Family, and Community Engagement, toddlers begin to understand the concept of gender identity as early as 18-24 months. Parents can encourage their children to feel comfortable exploring and defining their gender by teaching them that they are not limited to toys or clothes that are traditionally assigned to their sex.
  • Consent: Experts agree that the earlier you can bring up the concept of consent, the better. At this age, board-certified child psychologist Lea Lis suggests talking about what feels good and what doesn’t feel good. For instance, if your preschooler’s friend is being rough with them on the playground, you can use those situations to ask them what types of physical touch they don’t like, and how they can say “no” to a friend. Adults should aim to respect their children’s “no” or as much as possible, too.

    “Around 18 months, a child can observe modeled behaviors such as asking permission and observing signs that someone is uncomfortable to respect that boundary,” says Laura McGuire, a certified sex educator. So how you interact with your child, other kids, and other adults also demonstrates consent for your child. You don’t have to use the word “consent” with a preschooler — using clear but simple terms like space, body, and touch are more likely to be understood at this age.

Elementary school-aged kids 

Whereas toddlers and preschoolers may only require vague answers to questions about sex and their bodies, experts say school-aged children tend to want to dive deeper with more specific questions about the link between sexuality and how babies are made.

Rather than make any assumptions, Mayo Clinic advises asking what they already know when they come to you with a question. Then, you can clear up any misconceptions, and provide any details they may be missing. You might ask, “well, can you tell me what you think it means?” and go from there.

For example, the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry recommends explaining their birth story by saying something along these lines: Dad’s seed (or sperm) comes through his penis and combines with mom’s seed (or egg) in her uterus, and then the baby grows there for nine months until it’s strong enough to be born.

Another common topic is erections, which can happen as early as a baby’s first few months of life. Once they’re old enough to ask you about it, you might just explain that a penis is typically soft, but sometimes “gets hard and stands up straight”. Emphasize that this is healthy and normal and may feel good. As they explore their bodies, allow all children to to enjoy pleasure without shaming them or batting their hands away, especially if they are in the privacy of their own home, bathroom, or bedroom.

Topics to address at this age

  • Setting boundaries: It’s important that children in elementary school learn outright what a boundary is and how to set one, Klapow says. Learning to say no and communicate when they feel uncomfortable is essential for preparing them for future sexual encounters at an older age.
  • Gender: Regarding gender, Klapow says children between the ages of 5–10 start to form ideas around their gender and sexual identity. If your child comes to you with confusion about their identity, you can let them know that having a particular sex assigned at birth doesn’t mean a person has to relate to a specific gender or sexual orientation.

    “You can talk about the fact that some people identify as boys, some as girls, some as neither, and that these identities can change,” says McGuire. It might be helpful to draw similarities to TV or book characters for younger kids and pop culture references for older kids. 

Middle school-age kids 

Between ages 11–13, your child will begin experiencing a surge in hormones that can cause the physical changes of puberty as well as more intense sexual feelings.

Lis recommends letting your adolescent know what types of bodily changes are normal during puberty, including the growth of pubic hair and other body hair, the development of breasts, acne, and the start of menstruation.

After letting your child know what to expect in terms of menstrual bleeding, you should also explain hygiene product options and clarify that a period usually indicates the body can become pregnant. Mayo Clinic says this might also be a good time to explain what wet dreams are. It may also be a good time to begin conversations about family values, including around the topics of dating and masturbation.

If you feel comfortable, you can share stories from your own experience of adolescence.

As your adolescent approaches the age of 13, Lis advises educating them about the forms of contraception that are available while also reiterating the idea of consent. She recommends clarifying that condoms can reduce your risk of STIs as well as unwanted pregnancy, while a birth control pill cannot prevent STIs and is only intended to prevent pregnancy.

“Keep the message clear: This is normal, and you want them to come to you if they have questions. You will not pass judgment and you will support them no matter what.” Klapow says.

Topics to address at this age

  • Pornography: A 2017 survey by the American Psychology Association found that the average age a child is first exposed to online porn is 13.37 years of age, and for the majority of men (43.5%), that first exposure is accidental. Lis strongly advises keeping adolescents away from porn by monitoring their technology use. However, if you discover that they’ve seen explicit images or videos, she suggests reminding them that the people are actors, not all bodies look that way, and that not all the acts are common in real-life partnered sex.
  • Sexting: A 2019 study found that sexting is associated with increased sexual risks, such as having a higher number of partners, using drugs and alcohol, and not using contraception. That’s why it’s important to talk to your adolescent about the potential consequences of sharing provocative images and messages — like the fact that the image could spread to other classmates, or that they could be charged with distributing child pornography and face legal repercussions, whether they send, download, or forward the image. Let them know they should never feel pressured to send a photo that makes them feel uncomfortable. 
  • Sexism: Give adolescents examples of female athletes and coders, or stay-at-home dads and male dancers, or gender-diverse folks to help counter traditional notions of gender roles. That way, they feel free to pursue whatever interests and extra-curricular activities they desire. Be sure to discourage your child from participating in “locker room talk,” and explain why objectifying people is disrespectful, while also coaching your kids about double standards and how they can respond to sexist comments.

High school and college-age teenagers

While many sex ed topics may be covered in your teen’s health class, you still play an important role in their attitude and behavior around sex from the age of 14 onward.

What the research says: A 2012 national survey revealed that teens say their parents have the greatest influence over their decisions about sex — more than friends, siblings, or the media. Most teens also admitted that making decisions about delaying sex would be easier if they could talk openly and honestly with their parents. A 2010 study revealed that teens who talk with their parents about sex are more likely to delay intercourse and to use condoms when they do.

After making sure your teen knows where to get contraception and how to use it, Mayo Clinic says you might want to explain other ways they can reduce their risk of contracting STIs, like keeping their relationship exclusive to one partner or asking sexual partners if they’ve been tested, as well as getting tested themselves regularly.

Klapow also suggests bringing up conversations about safer sex with their doctor at routine checkups, as doctors can serve as a confidential source of support and education for your teen. Consider leaving the room so your teen can ask questions more freely.

According to Mayo Clinic, it’s important to remind your teen that there are many ways to express affection — like holding hands, dancing, kissing, and touching — without having penetrative sex and that it’s OK to wait until they feel ready. You may also want to let them know that they should never have sex because they feel pressured by a partner, and make sure they know the definition of rape.

Lis advises directly asking your teen about their level of sexual activity, starting with: “Have you ever been kissed? How did you feel about it?” and then using this conversation as a way to re-coach them about what consent looks like, how to say “no,” and how to handle rejection in a healthy way. She also says it’s critical to explain how the effects of alcohol and drugs connect to getting and giving consent. Consent always should be enthusiastic, freely given, and not under the influence of substances.

“Explain that sex will be less fulfilling when you’re drunk and it’s better to wait so you can experience the joy in sex,” says Lis.

Teens need to know that intoxication affects their decision-making. Lis suggests telling your teen to establish a buddy system or “no friend left behind” policy so that they never abandon friends who are drunk or high, and so they can rely on their friends to look out for them as well. Making sure they have a safe way to get home is also very important.

Important: When talking about love and relationships, be sure to use inclusive language like “partner,” rather than assuming your child is heterosexual.

Hookup culture has created a lot of confusion for teens around what’s expected of them sexually. Lis recommends telling your high-schooler that a sexual partner or experience may be temporary, but should still be pleasurable, kind and considerate — which means no ghosting or bragging to your friends. “Basic sexual etiquette should be demanded and expected,” she says. “This includes sending a text or calling the day after to tell the person you enjoyed the experience.”

You may also want to share how love and emotional connection can play a role in sex being more meaningful or pleasurable. “Encourage teens to be honest about what feels good and what does not with a partner as this helps in establishing boundaries,” says Lis.

The older your child gets, the more in-depth your explanations will need to be — but it’s never too early to touch on topics like gender identity and consent when they come up.

Using non-judgmental, inclusive, and body-positive language is key, no matter what you’re discussing.

“Don’t pretend that you know it all and they don’t,” says Klapow. “Engage with them about what they are seeing on the internet. Be a partner in their exploration.”

When in doubt, McGuire says to remember that you can always reach out to certified sex educators to help you find resources and fill in any gaps you may experience along the way.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The A-to-Z Guide to Open Relationship Terminology

Opening things up is more complicated than hot sex with lots of partners. It’s also going to involve some intense conversations, and having the right words can be a big help.

By Sophie Saint Thomas

Open relationships are becoming incredibly mainstream—more and more people are recognizing that monogamy only works for some people, and there’s nothing wrong if that’s not you. But if you’re new to ethical non-monogamy, you may have questions. For instance, are you a cuck for feeling compersion, or a CPOS for experiencing jealousy? No, but you should brush up on your terminology before entering a monogam-ish relationship. Opening things up is more complicated than getting down with lots of partners. (Fingers crossed for you, though!) Putting the “ethical” in “non-monogamy” typically involves a lot of conversations.  

You hear a lot about polyamory or monogamy, but the truth is that there’s a relationship format for every couple. As with BDSM, having the right terminology is going to be a good first step. “Regardless of relationship structure—whether monogamous or non-monogamous—every single relationship is different. Even for people who identify as strictly poly or strictly monogamous, there’s no one definition of what those terms mean, they shift according to the agreements of the parties involved,” says gender, sexuality, and relationship therapist Dulcinea Pitagora, PhD. “More important than how you label your relationship structure is how you communicate about it with your parters or partners.” 

But knowing a few open relationship terms is a good starting place. So, check out this list and learn the lingo, consider sharing this glossary with your metamours, and start talking through what kind of relationship that works and truly makes you happy. 

Bigamy This old-fashioned term refers to the practice of marrying someone when you’re already married to someone else. Bigamy is actually illegal, so make sure to check the timeline on that second marriage.

Boundary Boundaries are rules that you establish if you’re going to practice ethical non-monogamy, and they are crucial to its success. For instance, some couples only date other people together, or keep any emotional exes off the menu. An agreement to use latex barriers with all other parties is a common (and important) boundary.

Cheating Cheating is simply unethical non-monogamy. Cheating usually ends up with one (or more) parties hurt, so please choose an ethical version of non-monogamy if you know that the whole one-partner-for-life thing isn’t for you.

Compersion Compersion is a warm emotion some rare people get through seeing their partner’s joy or sexual gratification from another person. 

CPOS A term coined by the sex writer Dan Savage, it stands for “cheating piece of shit.” We can poly preach all that we want, but not everyone is going to be interested in ethical non-monogamy. Some people get off on the thrill of cheating, and doing things ethically would remove that sexy sneakiness.

Cuck Before the word “cuck” was hijacked by the alt-right, it referred to a perfectly good kink. Speaking traditionally, a cuck gets off on watching his wife (known in this situation as the hot-wife) have sex with another man. The female version of a cuck is known as a cuckquean.

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell This doesn’t refer to the military policy— but it can also be disastrous. In Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) relationships a couple is allowed to sleep with other people, but they agree not to talk about it. Not generally considered the best way of going about things. 

Dragon A dragon is the male version of a unicorn, the mythical and hard-to-catch beautiful bisexual who will fly in, have a fun and hot threesome with a couple, and leave their relationship undisturbed. But there’s no reason to keep things so rigidly gendered—we say identify as a unicorn or dragon purely on mythical creature preference.

Ethical Non-Monogamy Ethical non-monogamy, or ENM (not to be confused with EDM, although there is massive overlap at Burning Man) is an umbrella term that includes all the various ways to have an open relationship.

Fluid-bonded Fluid-bonded means a partner you don’t use condoms with. Fluid-bonding is more intentional than simply having unprotected sex–ideally you both have been tested and know one another’s statuses. (Like, if one partner has herpes the other probably does, too.) It is possible to be responsibly fluid-bonded with more than one person—perhaps in a closed throuple—but complications increase exponentially with every new person. 

Hierarchical Poly Hierarchical poly is a polyamorous relationship in which there is a clear pecking order. One primarily partner prevails, but the couple has other “secondary partners” who they get to bone on nights away from their spouse.

Jealousy This emotion is experienced by monogamous and non-monogamous people alike. In open-relationship contexts, it’s often felt as anger, betrayal, and insecurity triggered by your partner’s relationship with or desire for another. Managing and talking through these feelings is often at the center of successfully practicing ENM.   

Metamour Metamour is a pretentious poly term for your partner’s partners. “Evan is cool, I’ve never gone down on them, but they’re my metamour.”

Monogam-ish Monogamish is another term coined by Dan Savage, and describes couples who are basically monogamous, but respect human nature. If someone’s on a business trip and makes out with a hottie, or asks permission to get some side action once in a while, there’s no dramatic fight or breakup.

Monogamy Monogamy means that two people agree only to love and fuck one another until the end of time (or until they meet someone else that they want to be monogamous with). It is an excellent option…for some people!

Nesting Partner A nesting partner is a live-in partner, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re a primary partner. In fact, they may be relationship anarchists who don’t even have sex, but they will definitely hear you have sex, because they live with the person you’re boinking.

New Relationship Energy Or NRE, this describes that buzzy high you get early on in a relationship. It’s usually just good sex, but it can mess with your brain and feel a lot like love. It’s responsible for people jumping into relationships too quickly only to realize that they left their true love for an idiot who is good in the sack. The practical aspect of open relationships allows you to enjoy NRE without needing to dump your primary partner over it.

Old Relationship Energy While NRE is bouncy and fun, old relationship energy, or ORE, is the comforting, dependable, and (if you’re lucky) still-orgasmic experience of a healthy long term relationship. 

One Penis Rule The one penis rule (or OPP, one penis policy) is a mostly frowned-upon type of open relationship in which a couple dates other women, or people with vaginas, but there’s only one dick to rule them all. These are often the couples you see on Tinder unicorn-hunting.

Open Relationship Open relationship is an umbrella term that includes poly people, swingers, and anyone else who agrees that they aren’t cut out for monogamy.

Paramour A paramour typically refers to an illicit lover of a married person, so it’s technically an unethical non-monogamous term—but can be a fun way to refer to a partner if everyone is on the same page. 

Polyamory Polyamory literally translates to “many loves.” It’s a form of ethical non-monogamy that invites not only sex with more than one person, but romantic and emotional relationships with more than one person.

Polycule A group or network of people in a polyamorous relationship. “Sorry mom, I can’t come visit because of COVID, but I will be quarantined upstate in an Airbnb with my polycule for the rest of winter.”

Polyfidelity Just because there’s more than two doesn’t mean that fidelity is off the table in poly relationships. Polyfidelity refers to a poly family who are all equal partners, restrict sexual activity to those in said poly family, and basically act like a monogamous couple except there’s many more people.

Polygamy Polygamy is the practice of being married to more than one person—not the same thing as polyamory! 

Poly-preaching: Poly-preaching is the act of rambling on about how poly relationships are superior to monogamous ones. If you hear someone reference the mating rituals of bonobos or utter the words “You know, humans aren’t meant to be monogamous…” then you are likely a victim of poly-preaching.

Primary Partner Your primary partner is your bae, your husband or wife, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your one true love, your life partner, and the main romantic interest in your life. Many folks in open relationships have a primary partner and then secondary or shared partners (see: Hierarchical Poly).

Quad Nothing to do with university landscape architecture in this case—a quad is four people who are in a relationship together. 

Relationship Anarchy Practitioners of RA use anarchist concepts to deny hierarchy within relationships and forgo imposed expectations. They don’t give special treatment to their sexual relationships—in RA, a relationship that is sexual doesn’t take priority over a relationship that is platonic. An intimate friendship, romantic partner, and a roommate (see: Nesting Partner) can carry equal weight and importance.

Relationship Orientation While your sexual orientation determines who you are attracted to, a relationship orientation refers to which relationship format is right for you. Are you monogamous, poly, or somewhere in the middle? Please figure it out to reduce broken hearts. 

Sexually Open Sexually open relationships allow for sex with others but ask you to hold the romance and emotions. They’re a fantastic option for couples with high sex drives who want to have their emotional monogamy but eat out others, too. One word of caution about sexually open relationships is that it can be much harder to regulate emotions than expected, so don’t be surprised if someone catches feelings.

Solo Poly While some poly people want a primary partner (see: hierarchical poly) others dislike hierarchy within their relationships and want everyone to be on the same playing field.

Swinging It’s a widely-used term that’s mostly an aesthetic rather than practical description. It typically refers to a couple, maybe a bit older, who pork other couples, perhaps at special resorts.

Throuple In case the cute play on words didn’t give it away, a throuple is three people who are in a relationship. 

Unicorns Unicorns (see: dragons) are often female or non-binary mythical creatures who just want to come over and fuck a couple and leave nothing behind. While a unicorn can call themselves a unicorn, it’s considered distasteful for a couple to go unicorn hunting. (It’s a sign that not enough consideration is going into the needs and desires of the person on the other side of the hunt.) 

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Are Sperm Telling Us?

Scientists are concerned by falling sperm counts and declining egg quality. Endocrine-disrupting chemicals may be the problem.

By Nicholas Kristof

Something alarming is happening between our legs.

Sperm counts have been dropping; infant boys are developing more genital abnormalities; more girls are experiencing early puberty; and adult women appear to be suffering declining egg quality and more miscarriages.

It’s not just humans. Scientists report genital anomalies in a range of species, including unusually small penises in alligators, otters and minks. In some areas, significant numbers of fish, frogs and turtles have exhibited both male and female organs.

Four years ago, a leading scholar of reproductive health, Shanna H. Swan, calculated that from 1973 to 2011, the sperm count of average men in Western countries had fallen by 59 percent. Inevitably, there were headlines about “Spermageddon” and the risk that humans would disappear, but then we moved on to chase other shiny objects.

Now Swan, an epidemiologist at Mount Sinai Medical Center in New York, has written a book, “Count Down,” that will be published on Tuesday and sounds a warning bell. Her subtitle is blunt: “How our modern world is threatening sperm counts, altering male and female reproductive development, and imperiling the future of the human race.”

Swan and other experts say the problem is a class of chemicals called endocrine disruptors, which mimic the body’s hormones and thus fool our cells. This is a particular problem for fetuses as they sexually differentiate early in pregnancy. Endocrine disruptors can wreak reproductive havoc.

These endocrine disruptors are everywhere: plastics, shampoos, cosmetics, cushions, pesticides, canned foods and A.T.M. receipts. They often aren’t on labels and can be difficult to avoid.

“In some ways, the sperm-count decline is akin to where global warming was 40 years ago,” Swan writes. “The climate crisis has been accepted — at least by most people — as a real threat. My hope is that the same will happen with the reproductive turmoil that’s upon us.”

Chemical companies are as reckless as tobacco companies were a generation ago, or as opioid manufacturers were a decade ago. They lobby against even safety testing of endocrine disruptors, so that we have little idea if products we use each day are damaging our bodies or our children. We’re all guinea pigs.

Aside from the decline in sperm counts, growing numbers of sperm appear defective — there’s a boom in two-headed sperm — while others loll aimlessly in circles, rather than furiously swimming in pursuit of an egg. And infants who have had greater exposures to a kind of endocrine disruptor called phthalates have smaller penises, Swan found.

Uncertainty remains, research sometimes conflicts and biological pathways aren’t always clear. There are competing theories about whether the sperm count decline is real and what might cause it and about why girls appear to be reaching puberty earlier, and it’s sometimes unclear whether an increase in male genital abnormalities reflects actual rising numbers or just better reporting.

Still, the Endocrine Society, the Pediatric Endocrine Society, the President’s Cancer Panel and the World Health Organization have all warned about endocrine disruptors, and Europe and Canada have moved to regulate them. But in the United States, Congress and the Trump administration seemed to listen more to industry lobbyists than to independent scientists.

Patricia Ann Hunt, a reproductive geneticist at Washington State University, has conducted experiments on mice showing that the impact of endocrine disruptors is cumulative, generation after generation. When infant mice were exposed for just a few days to endocrine disrupting chemicals, their testes as adults produced fewer sperm, and this incapacity was transmitted to their offspring. While findings from animal studies can’t necessarily be extended to humans, after three generations of these exposures, one-fifth of the male mice were infertile.

“I find this particularly troubling,” Professor Hunt told me. “From the standpoint of human exposures, you could argue we are hitting the third generation just about now.”

What if anything does all this mean for the future of humanity?

“I do not see humans becoming extinct, but I do see family lines ending for a subset of people who are infertile,” Andrea Gore, a professor of neuroendocrinology at the University of Texas at Austin, told me. “People with impaired sperm or egg quality cannot exercise their right to choose to have a child. That may not devastate our species, but it is certainly devastating to these infertile couples.”

More research is necessary, and government regulation and corporate responsibility are crucial to manage risks, but Swan offers practical suggestions for daily life for those with the resources. Store food in glass containers, not plastic. Above all, don’t microwave foods in plastic or with plastic wrap on top. Avoid pesticides. Buy organic produce if possible. Avoid tobacco or marijuana. Use a cotton or linen shower curtain, not one made of vinyl. Don’t use air fresheners. Prevent dust buildup. Vet consumer products you use with an online guide like that of the Environmental Working Group.

Many issues in headlines today won’t much matter in a decade, let alone in a century. Climate change is one exception, and another may be the risks to our capacity to reproduce.

The epitome of a “low blow” is a kick to the crotch. And that, friends, may be what we as a species are doing to ourselves.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why We Feel Shame After We Orgasm

By Gigi Engle

Have you ever looked at something you know is objectively “gross” and found that you’re a little … turned on? Read on if this sounds familiar to you. Because, you know what? It’s a lot more common than you think.

When we’re turned on, the part of our brain that registers disgust and fear tends to switch off. Things that we may register as gross, scary, or weird when we’re in a resting state take on erotic meaning once we’re turned on.

This is why people enjoy things like spanking, spitting, water-sports (when you pee on someone) and rimming. In the context of everyday life, these things probably aren’t appealing to you. You wouldn’t want someone to spit on you in the grocery store, or have your partner pee on you while you’re cooking dinner. Well, maybe you do (no judgement), but the majority of people require their minds and bodies to be in a sexually aroused state for these things to be hot and not off-putting.

Pam Shaffer, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, says that it’s totally normal to be aroused by something we’d otherwise find disgusting because of the complex nature of arousal itself.

“Our brain isn’t the best at determining why it’s in a heightened state (aka feeling arousal), but it could be due to a host of factors, including fear, disgust, and fascination with the taboo,” she tells TheBody.

Let’s get into the nitty gritty of post-orgasmic shame, why it happens, and where we go from here.

The Post-Orgasmic Blues

You’ve probably heard of the post-orgasmic afterglow, right? How after you’re finished having sex (whatever kind of sex), you sort of lie there in each other’s arms and feel super blissed out? This happens because our bodies are awash with a chemical cocktail of feel-good hormones like dopamine and oxytocin.

But there is a counter-state that doesn’t get very much airtime in the mainstream media that requires acknowledgement: The post-orgasmic (or post-coital) blues (also known as post-coital dysphoria). This denotes the crash that can take place immediately following orgasm. Can you relate to this? It happens. One study showed that nearly 50% of women experience sadness after sex.

Sometimes we don’t feel the way we think we’re supposed to. The release of all that orgasmic energy doesn’t always make us feel amazing in the minutes after sex. In fact, it can make us feel depleted, sad, or lonely. Lanae St. John, D.H.Sc., a board-certified sexologist and author of Read Me: A Parental Primer for “The Talk”, tells TheBody that laughing out loud, crying, feeling amazing, or feeling sad is all due to the release we experience in orgasm. It may manifest as all kinds of emotions—it’s a release of tension and intense feelings we’ve been holding inside.

Both the afterglow and the blues are completely normal and temporary. The two seemingly extreme opposite states are a great example of how complicated human sexuality really is.

But, if you find yourself unable to move on from the post-coital funk, it could be something more than the blues. If you feel depressed for a few days or weeks after sex, seek out the professional help of a qualified therapist, as this could be a sign of clinical depression or anxiety, rather than post-orgasm crash.

Shame About Sex Can Impact Us More Than We Realize

Data also shows that sex-negative messaging from childhood and subsequent shame around sex can impact your sexual wellness substantially. We live in a culture that finds sex wrong, sinful, and disgusting. And, at the same time, we’re inundated with sexualized images from the mainstream media. Sex is everywhere, but sex is forbidden. The world we live in is immersed in a sexual shame/sexual obsession paradox of its own design.

For instance, think about watching some really “sicko” level porn (I use the word “sicko” in the sense that it’s something we “think” we’re sickos for watching). We’re very turned on by the scene. Maybe we searched for it. Maybe it came up on the endless stream of clips available on free tube sites. We masturbate to it, have sex with someone while watching it, or some variation of this.

And then, there is often a switch; a flip in mental state that changes everything. After orgasm you look at the half-finished clip and are horrified. You think, “OMG I cannot watch this” and have to turn it off immediately. It is no longer hot, it’s bad and gross. This is, of course, also connected to how we associate sex with shame and being a bad dirty thing that makes us bad dirty people.

“When we are in the moment and following our pleasure, hopefully to the peak experience that is orgasm, then we are giving ourselves permission to enjoy and experience; but for some, once the experience is over, our thinking comes back online, [and] we become more consciously aware of ourselves, which can bring about negative thoughts or feelings (even though we have done nothing wrong),” Kate Moyle, a psychosexual and relationship therapist and host of The Sexual Wellness Sessions podcast, tells TheBody. We are in that heightened arousal state, and once we crash out of it, the shame takes over from where the hard-on was.

Untying yourself from sexual shame takes perseverance and a lot of internal and community work. Therapy helps. Admitting something is holding you back from being your true, authentic sexual self helps. We can’t begin to heal if we keep pretending we aren’t hurt. And we’re all hurt.

Sex isn’t shameful. You aren’t shameful for enjoying it—in whatever form you like having it—with other consenting adults, or on your own. It’s a hard message to learn, but as we shift into a more sex-positive future (hopefully) it can begin to manifest. “If you notice the self-criticism, think about where this comes from—question the messages and see if there are any alternatives that are healthier, or if your narratives need updating,” Moyle adds.

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We Need to Talk About the Lack of LGBTQ+ Representation in Sex Ed

By Delilah Gray

When I was in high school, none of my teachers ever mentioned LGBTQ+ safe sex and relationships, especially not in my sexual-education classes, which were meant to be the one place I could learn about these things. And as a member of the LGBTQ+ community, that deeply bothered me. In a 2013 National School Climate Survey, fewer than five percent of students reported seeing any LGBTQ+ topics discussed or represented in health classes. And in a 2015 survey conducted among millennials, only 12 percent said their sex-education classes covered same-sex relationships. Because sex education in the US is primarily based on heterosexual, cisgender couples, the main focuses include birth-control measures and abstinence. In order for LGBTQ+ youth to experience the same health benefits compared to their peers, sex education needs to be more inclusive.

Sex education in general has always had issues being nationally mandated. According to the Guttmacher Institute — a leading research and policy organization committed to advancing sexual and reproductive health and rights in the US and globally — 13 states do not require any lessons on sexuality, contraception, or STIs. While this is a very discouraging statistic, some states are making more of an effort to make sex education a priority. According to the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), about 15 states and the District of Columbia reported offering supplementary materials that discussed pregnancy prevention relevant to LGBTQ+ students. This is nowhere near as inclusive as it should be, but it’s a start.

There are a lot of ways schools can teach sex education, but there’s only one way to make it inclusive so all students feel seen, heard, understood, and properly informed. GLSEN — an American education organization that works to end discrimination, harassment, and bullying based on sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression — calls it the “Truly LGBTQIA+-Inclusive Approach,” which infuses LGBTQ+ concerns into existing programs. Some topics could include gender identity, transgender concerns, sexual orientation, and the pleasurable aspects of sex. Most schools teach unhealthy notions of sex and identity, especially for LGBTQ+ youth, but with a more inclusive approach, not only will so many valuable lessons be taught, but dangerous notions will also be avoided. By being more inclusive, the program can help youth:

  • Better understand gender identity and sexual orientation with medically accurate information.
  • Incorporate positive examples of LGBTQ+ individuals, romantic relationships, and families.
  • Discuss the need for protection during sex for people of all identities.
  • Disprove common myths and stereotypes about different identities.
  • Teach how to be a proper ally to the community.

There are tons of great resources that teachers can use in their classes to make sexual education more inclusive:

In order to ensure sex education becomes more inclusive, having parental support is vital. A 2014 study conducted by Planned Parenthood showed that nearly 80 percent of parents supported discussing sexual orientation in both high school and middle school. Both students and parents are on board with the addition, so why hasn’t any progress been made? The topic is still legally barred in some states, while it’s straight-up ignored in others. According to Planned Parenthood, only nine states currently require teachers to discuss LGBTQ+ identities and relationships in an inclusive and affirming way, while seven Southern states either prohibit teachers from discussing LGBTQ+ identities and relationships at all or require them to frame LGBTQ+ identities and relationships in a negative way.

When young people don’t feel like they can talk to someone they trust about sexual health or don’t feel like they’re getting the answers at school, many seek information online or from their peers, which is usually neither age-appropriate nor accurate. This leaves them misinformed, confused, and not equipped with the proper knowledge to protect themselves.

For me, it wasn’t until I was in college that I could really explore and learn about my sexual orientation and identity, and by that time, I felt so behind. I wish I’d had a comprehensive sex education when I was in middle school and high school, rather than just hearing about condoms for the millionth time. By creating inclusive sex-education programs across the country, it will help ensure schools can be a safe space for LGBTQ+ people, which is more vital now than ever.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is A Female-Led Relationship?

The 3 Different Forms & How To Explore

by Kelly Gonsalves

If you’re a woman who likes being in control or a man who likes playing a more subordinate role, you might be interested—or already finding yourself involved in—female-led relationships.

What is a female-led relationship, or FLR?

A female-led relationship, or FLR, is traditionally a type of BDSM relationship between a dominant woman and a submissive man. Although the term originated within the kink community, some people now use the term “female-led relationship” more generally to describe any relationship between a man and a woman wherein the woman holds more power than the man, whether in terms of breadwinner status, decision-making authority, or the couple’s sexual dynamic.

“The definition has many variants, as this is a wide umbrella term,” according to sex educator and professional dominatrix Lola Jean. “FLR can be any relationship that is not ‘male-led.’ In its most lenient format, [an FLR may be] more of an equal-power or varied-power exchange between partners. In its more extreme and perhaps traditional [form], FLR is a relationship where the female, or femme, is the decision-maker for the other partner. This could be anything from their finances to their attire to more menial tasks like chores.”

Any of the below dynamics might be involved in an FLR, though not all need to be present for a relationship to be considered FLR:

  • The woman is the sole or primary income earner in the relationship.
  • The man handles most or all of the domestic responsibilities and child care.
  • The woman is the chief decision-maker in the relationship.
  • The woman’s thoughts, feelings, and perspectives are given priority over the man’s in the relationship.
  • The woman has full financial control in the relationship, including controlling what the man is or isn’t allowed to spend money on.
  • The woman is sexually dominant, and most sexual encounters revolve around her pleasure.
  • The woman is typically the one that decides when and how to have sex.
  • The man’s role is largely submissive and obedient, whether in the relationship, in bed, or both.
  • The man and woman are largely equal in their day-to-day lives, but the woman is dominant in the bedroom.

The kink vs. feminist relationships.

In the kink community, FLR specifically refers to an eroticized power dynamic wherein women have power over men in a relationship, whether sexually, financially, or in terms of day-to-day decision-making. But some people have begun to embrace the term as a sort of synonym for a feminist relationship or a relationship where the woman is the head of the household.

“We’ve seen many BDSM terms and concepts seep into mainstream culture,” sex therapist and researcher Gloria Brame, Ph.D., tells mbg. “FLR is another term that once specifically referred to a female-dominant/submissive-male dynamic but which can be understood by any feministic people.”

As a kink, FLR gets much of its excitement and thrill from turning traditional gender roles on their head, Jean explains. Where our society still tends to view men as dominant and women as submissive, FLR consciously flips the scripts and indulges in a power dynamic that places women on top.

That said, today’s culture is thankfully starting to shed its old gender norms in general. It’s becoming increasingly common for women to be the primary earners in their households and for relationships to seek more egalitarian grounds by consciously empowering the women in them. Nearly 30% of women in dual-income marriages make more money than their husbands, according to 2018 census data. It’s also becoming common for women to take the reins in the bedroom, even outside the world of BDSM. While a dominant woman may have previously been seen as a rarity or a kinky fantasy, today it’s much more mainstream.

As such, many couples might find themselves accurately represented within the broadest definition of “FLR,” even if the term isn’t one they would necessarily use to describe themselves.

A low-control “female-led relationship” is essentially a typical progressive relationship, which is the broadest type of FLR. The man and woman both contribute equally to the household and share many of the core responsibilities, from earning money to raising the kids to chores. Both partners provide income, with the woman earning the same or more money than the man. Both partners also participate in housework and child care, with the man equally sharing or doing the majority of the domestic duties. Alternatively, the woman may be the sole breadwinner of the household, with the man handling all domestic duties.

This type of dynamic isn’t necessarily an FLR in the BDSM sense, though some people would still consider it an FLR insofar as it subverts traditional gender roles.

“Everything is power. There are always power dynamics and exchanges present in any relationship, no matter if they identify it as BDSM or not,” Jean notes. “Anything can be D/s [aka a dominant-submissive relationship] if that is how you define it, though nothing is innately so—it all depends on how we categorize.”

The more common form of FLR involves the woman having anywhere from a moderate to high level of control over the man in the relationship, and this dynamic is usually more explicitly explored as a form of kink or BDSM.

Depending on the dynamic the partners desire and agree to, the woman may have control over various parts of the relationship and the man’s life. This might include making all the big decisions in the relationship, having the final say in what they do or don’t spend money on, assigning most or all domestic responsibilities to the man, and/or being the chief orchestrator of their sex life. The partners may also explore power play or domination themes in their sex life, with the woman playing the dominant role and the man in the submissive role.

In this type of FLR, typically the control has some limits or is only relevant in some parts of their lives but not all of it, or the partners shift in and out of the power dynamic as desired or needed. “When a BDSM dynamic is present, there is more likely to be negotiation, aftercare, check-ins on needs, and predetermined rituals or routines,” Jean adds.

Some FLRs involve complete control and fall under the umbrella of 24/7 D/s, aka a relationship where the power dynamic is lived day in and day out throughout the partners’ entire lives. The woman has full and total control over the man’s life, and the unequal roles between the woman and man are less of a role-play happening in certain situations and more of a full, dedicated lifestyle.

“This is more akin to TPE (total power exchange) that requires heavy negotiation and sometimes even a contract,” Jean explains, adding, “When done sanely and consensually, there should always be moments for check-in and renegotiation. Even if the submissive is adamant on TPE or ‘no safe words’-type of mentality, an ethical Dominant will understand the balance.”

Benefits of FLR for the man.

An FLR can allow men to experience a relationship where they aren’t responsible for everything and where they can enjoy having someone else be in charge without shame. “It removes the pressure to conform to an unrealistic model of masculinity carved for him by society,” Brame explains. “By feeling free to choose his own path, he opens himself up to who he really is and [this] helps him to live a fuller life.”

Some men also specifically enjoy the feeling of being subordinated or even humiliated, in part because these feelings and experiences are considered so taboo in mainstream culture. It’s a similar reason some men enjoy cuckolding or ruined orgasms—it’s the power dynamic.

Benefits of FLR for the woman.

For women, an FLR can be a way to fully step into their power in a way that simply isn’t possible yet in most of mainstream society. “Power means freedom. You get the final say on things, which can be especially exhilarating for women who grew up in conservative male-led homes,” Brame says. “It also brings responsibility—suddenly you are the one responsible for the big choices. For women who love the challenges of taking responsibility and honoring commitments, it’s transformative to have so much control.”

Some women also simply get a sexual thrill from dominating and subjugating others, again because it’s so taboo to explore these dynamics in other parts of life.

How to set up a female-led relationship:

1. Understand what you want.

Before diving into any form of kink, BDSM, or power play, it’s important to understand what you want and what your boundaries are, as well as those of your partner.

“Go about understanding your own desires first,” Jean says. “How do you want it to make you feel? What aspects of your/their life do you want to be up for control? What areas do you not want to be up for control?”

It may be helpful to research FLR dynamics or general D/s relationship dynamics to understand what the possibilities are, what you want, and what you don’t want.

2. Communicate what you want early on.

If the FLR dynamic is something that’s integral to your sexual or romantic relationships, Jean says it’s important to communicate what you want early on in a potential relationship. “You don’t have to lead with it necessarily, though you could.”

There are sites and apps that are specifically geared toward finding partners who are interested in kink, BDSM, and specifically FLR, which may be good places to start your search if you’re just starting your exploration and know you’re only looking for partners who are game for this dynamic.

Tell your partner what kind of dynamic you have in mind and what excites you about it, and allow them to indicate their interest level to you before proceeding into the details. An FLR is only possible with a fully willing partner, so back off if they say they’re not into it.

FLR, particularly when it involves higher levels of control, can be an intense dynamic. “Start small if this is something you haven’t played with before. The fantasy of something can often be much different from the reality,” Jean says.

Once you find a partner who’s game, you can discuss what you each are comfortable with and begin to incorporate elements of FLR into your relationship. Make sure to continue communicating and checking in regularly to ensure the dynamic is feeling good for both parties.

4. Talk to other people who enjoy FLRs.

“Don’t rely solely on your potential partners for exploring or understanding this kink,” Jean recommends. “Befriend individuals who fall on the same side of the power exchange to discuss their experience. This will benefit you, as partners may come and go. It also puts less onus on your partner to bear the weight of your kink and desires.”

A female-led relationship can be a form of kink or simply a way to make sure women are empowered in their relationships. There are many ways to experience an FLR, so communicate with your partners about what you’re looking for and why so you can see if there’s common ground to mutually explore.

“An FLR opens the door to greater equality among genders as old ideas about ‘real men’ are finally put to rest,” Brame says. “All people (cis and trans) feel empowered to choose the kind of relationship dynamic that works best for them and their partners, without pressure to conform to ideologies instead of what makes them happy.”

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What does bicurious mean?

“Experimenting with your identity is not a negative, but the toxic tropes around doing so can be.”

By Gina Tonic

Sexuality exists on a spectrum and if one end holds people who consider themselves to be 100 per cent gay or lesbian, towards the opposite end you’ll find a space for those who identify as bicurious. But, many of us don’t really know what bicurious means, and how it differs from heteroflexible or bisexual. It’s also said to contribute to bisexual erasure. So here’s what you need to know about bicuriosity.

What does bicurious mean?

Put simply (although the topic is actually quite nuanced and complex), bicuriosity refers to those who are interested in exploring their sexual identity with people of the same and other genders. Elyssa Rider, a sexual education and wellbeing specialist from Brook explains, “Bicurious is a term that means that someone is questioning their sexuality and where they fall on the spectrum. I think there can be a tendency for people to use this term when they have formerly identified at heterosexual but think they might be interested romantically or sexually in their own gender.”

Rider adds, “I also understand that some people identify with the term when they feel desire, but perhaps have not physically explored that yet.” The confusion over what bicurious can mean could easily be contributed to the lack of representation given to this sexuality. That said, one of the best scenes in Scott Pilgrim vs The World – a movie that has many incredible scenes – gives us a great insight into why the term is sometimes considered controversial in the queer community.

The scene plays out in the second half of the movie and focuses on Pilgrim’s realisation that he has been assuming all of Ramona Flowers’ “evil exes” are men. When forced to fight Roxie Richter, Flowers’ ex-girlfriend from college, it becomes clear that Flowers has been repeatedly and purposefully reinforcing that she has “seven evil exes” and not “seven evil ex boyfriends” for a reason. Still, Flowers flippantly dismisses the relationship as a “bicurious phase” and Richter – ready to attack – declares herself “bifurious”.

Why do some people dislike the term?

This scene is impeccable not only for getting every bisexual I know to put “bifurious” in their Tinder bio, but on a deeper level, representing the rage of many queer women who have been treated as a “phase” in an (otherwise straight) woman’s life rather than a valid relationship or viable long-term sexual partner. Cory Bush, a sex positive doula and queer sex educator, explains that this sentiment between queer and bicurious people is still a common one.

“Experimenting with your identity is not a negative, but the toxic tropes around doing so can be”

“A lot of queer people have been through the experience of being a bicurious person’s ‘experiment’ to help them explore their sexuality. There is nothing wrong with sexual exploration in itself, but when you are exploring your sexuality, it’s important to keep in mind that you’re navigating these feelings with real live people who have their own thoughts, feelings, desires, and boundaries.” Bush explains, “I don’t think the negative effect comes from bicuriosity itself, but rather when bicurious people forget to acknowledge and honour the humanity of the people who they are exploring with.”

This stigma that sees bicurious people as “using” other people to satisfy their questions surrounding sexuality, however, is one that many feel is attributed to those who identify as queer too. Emily, a 25-year-old bisexual, says she has no problem with the label bicurious or those that use it, but that “it becomes problematic when it’s used as a way to dismiss a bisexual person’s experience as experimentation alone or a phase they will grow out of.”

Pansexual Megan agrees, telling me, “I had been out as queer for about six months and explained to a colleague who knew me from a ‘straight-passing’ relationship that I had a crush on our female co-worker, and he asked if [I was] bicurious.” They continue, “I feel like cis straight people use the term bicurious to basically invalidate queer people who have recently come out, to suggest that it’s a phase.”

As well as affecting those more recently opening up about their identity like Megan suggests, Rider adds that she believes women and femme-presenting folk are more likely to suffer from the unsavoury stigmas that the term bicurious adds to the bisexual identity. “People can be dismissive, or suggest that someone is exploring their sexuality for attention.” She describes, “This is a jibe particularly levelled at women, whose sexuality is often viewed through the male gaze.”

Libby, a 27-year-old bisexual, similarly feels that the term is “patriarchal” and dated. “Bicurious is a term that is used to diminish a woman’s sexuality, because men can’t understand that a woman can have feelings for other women, which has nothing to do with the male gaze.” She adds, “It’s not just men either, other women have projected their similar reductive opinions towards bisexuality onto me.”

It’s not just straight people who can be bicurious

While the assumption with bicuriosity is that those subscribing to this label are straight people wishing to test out their queer desires, this is not always the case. Tilda, a 20-year-old bicurious lesbian, finds the term helpful in explaining her point of view. “It’s been really important for me to primarily identify as a lesbian, yet utilise the bicurious label when I’m still figuring my sexuality out.” She considers, “It helps me retain my core identity as a dyke, which is so significant to who I am – but a dyke who occasionally wants to try men!”

“You can have any sexual identity and it’s valid whether you ever explore it or not”

Just as it is unhelpful to bisexual people to assume all bisexual people are the same as bicurious people, so too is it invalidating to infer that all those using the bicurious descriptor are straight individuals looking to experiment with queerness. As Tilda says, bicurious can be used as a label for anyone with a monosexual (those attracted to only one gender) identity looking to explore outside of the gender they are typically attracted to.

As Bush put it, the problem with bicuriosity isn’t the people who want to explore their sexuality – especially in a society where heteronormativity and compulsory heterosexuality is so dominant – but the stereotypes associated with wanting to do. Experimenting with your identity is not a negative, but the toxic tropes around doing so can be.

Rider adds, “you can have any sexual identity and it would be valid no matter whether you ever explored it romantically or sexually or not. It is also important to remember that it is okay if you explore your sexuality and change your mind about how you identify.” She finishes, “Sexuality is fluid, and it’s perfectly natural to change your opinion about something as you gain more knowledge and experience in other areas of your life, so why not this?”

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5 Myths About Pansexuality That Need To Be Quashed

Pansexual Flag

By Ritika Joshi

Pansexuality is a sexual identity where a person is attracted towards people regardless of sex or gender identity. The prefix pan- is derived from Ancient Greek and means all, thus pansexuality means they are open to all, irrespective of sex or gender.  Famous celebrities like Miley Cyrus, Janelle Monáe, and Cara Delevingne have stated that they are pansexual, normalising pansexuality as a sexual identity. There has also been an increase in pansexual characters in mainstream media, which allows for people to explore their own sexual identity. Here is a list of common myths and misconceptions about pansexuality, and why they are incorrect.

1. Pansexuality Isn’t Real

Dismissing pansexuality by claiming it is a myth or doesn’t exist serves no purpose other than being discriminatory. By denying one’s sexual orientation or sexual identity, it prevents them from accepting themselves and their identity. Allowing people to identify however they see fit harms no one, and allows for people to be more comfortable with how they label themselves.

2. Pansexuality = Bisexuality

Since sexuality is a spectrum, there is no one rigid definition of bisexuality and pansexuality. Generally, bisexuality is the attraction to more than one gender while pansexuality is often described as attraction regardless of gender. Many pansexual people state that their attraction focuses on personality rather than gender.

“I always will remain, I think, pansexual. However one defines themselves, whether it’s ‘they’ or ‘he’ or ‘she,’ I fall in love with the person — and that’s that. I’m attracted to the person.” – Cara Delevingne

The definition of bisexuality and pansexuality may vary from person to person, and the fact that the definitions seem similar makes it hard to distinguish. People identify with whichever term they feel more comfortable with. The right move is to listen to whatever people identify as, and not try to diminish it. Since sexuality is nuanced and varies from person to person, it is important to understand bisexuality and pansexuality means something different for everybody.

3. Pansexual People Are Promiscuous

Being attracted to people regardless of gender does not automatically mean that pansexual people are interested in everyone. The assumption that pansexual people are more promiscuous is unfounded and based on misconceptions about sexuality. Pansexual people aren’t attracted to everyone, the same way heterosexual people aren’t attracted to everybody from the opposite gender.

4. Pansexual People Cannot Be Monogamous

Assuming that pansexual people cannot remain monogamous and faithful to their partner is a myth. The assumption that pansexual people are cheaters is an unfounded belief that stems from misconceptions about sexual identities and pansexuality. Just because someone has the capacity to be attracted to anyone irrespective of gender, doesn’t mean they are.

5. Pansexuality Is A Trend

Pansexuality has always existed, there just wasn’t a specific term for it until the 20th century. There is more visibility related to pansexuality, due to celebrities coming out as pansexual and an increase in media with pansexual representation. Due to this more people are looking into their own sexual orientation and identifying as pansexual. This increase in people labelling themselves as pansexual leads to the belief that pansexuality is ‘a trend’, instead of realising that it has always existed.

It is a good thing that people are finding more ways of labelling self-expression. The small price to pay for making people more comfortable is just learning and familiarising yourself with queer terminology.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Losing sense of smell can impact seniors’ sex life

Now anosmia — losing the sense of smell, which is a symptom of COVID-19 — can put seniors off their sex life, a new study shows.

By Kevin Connor

Aging can affect the quality of life for older people in many ways.Now anosmia — losing the sense of smell, which is a symptom of COVID-19 — can put seniors off their sex life, a new study shows.

A group of researchers, along with an expert from Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, came up with the findings after testing a sample of 2,084 seniors over the age of 65.

They found a sense of smell plays a pivotal role in sexual motivation, the U.K. Daily Mail reported.

Other research concluded smell disorder in older patients impairs their sexual life.

“Decreased olfactory function in older U.S. adults was associated with decreased sexual motivation and less emotional satisfaction with sex, but not decreased frequency of sexual activity or physical pleasure,” the researchers said in their paper published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

The group of researchers suggests a decrease in smell didn’t necessarily decrease the frequency of sexual activity in all.

“Our research shows a decline in olfactory function may affect sexual pleasure in older adults,” said study author Jesse K. Siegel at the University of Chicago.

“Therefore, treatable causes of sensory loss should be addressed by clinicians to improve sexual health.”

Researchers say this is possibly because of ‘evolutionarily-conserved’ neurological links between olfaction and sexuality.

“Olfaction has a strong, evolutionary-conserved connection to the limbic system, which plays a critical role in processing emotions and sexual motivation,” Siegel and her team say in their paper.

“Neurons in the olfactory bulb also project directly to the hypothalamus, another key mediator of sexual motivation.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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It’s Complicated

— Love and Sex in 2021

By Isabelle Lee

Whether you are single, married, dating or just keeping it casual, the new pandemic normal has our relationships a little discombobulated. From socially distanced first dates on a park bench or over FaceTime, to a suitor trying to steal a kiss only to be Heismaned with a loud warning of “6 feet!” meeting people has not been easy. Maybe you’re married, and you now know that your spouse uses phrases like “let’s circle back” or “synergy” unironically at work. From current trends and content to spice up your day to Black-owned sex toy brands to buy and ways to practice self-love, today’s Sunday Magazine rings in Valentine’s Day by diving into the complicated world of modern love.

Appy V-Day. Many apps are stepping up to the plate for couples looking to reconnect this year. Love Nudge, based on Gary Chapman’s best-selling book, The 5 Love Languages, will help you identify your love language and set goals with your partner to express how much you care. Designed as an alternative to real-life couples therapy, Relish is meant to help identify and solve problems in your relationship. Coral is a sex and intimacy coaching app that will help you and your partner get on the same page and explore new communication methods. Femtech startup Emjoy is all about sexual empowerment well-being, whether you’re single or partnered up.

Another Level of Cuffing. Each winter you’ll find plenty of people getting into a relationship for the added body heat, a phenomenon known as “cuffing.” The pandemic version is known as “apocalypsing” — when you treat every relationship as if it’s your last — and nearly one-third of Gen Z users polled by dating app Plenty of Fish admits to doing it. Is it love, or are you just desperate to hold onto the one normal person you met on Hinge while the world collapses around you? Anyone else looking forward to getting a vaccination verification badge on Tinder?

On the Spectrum. There are some 70 million people across the globe on the autism spectrum; for them, social interaction is a challenge, making the dating world extra daunting. At last dating apps such as Hilki and Aspie Singles are emerging that cater specifically to this population, with some offering coaches to help read social cues and others tailored to address problems around sensory processing.

Judgment Day. You wouldn’t think it from the broader culture, but 1 in 4 Americans still disapprove of any and all sex outside the bonds of marriage — even if the couple is in a committed relationship. The numbers are fairly consistent across demographics, with the biggest deciding factor, more than age or political views, being how religious you are. But disapproving isn’t the same as abstaining: 85-90 percent of Americans aged 15-49 report having engaged in premarital sex.

love and marriage

Boom or Bust. When lockdown first started, many people expected divorce rates to skyrocket. While most people would agree that the pandemic increased stress in their relationship, the proportion of people reporting their marriage is in trouble actually fell from 40 percent in 2019 to 29 percent in 2020. Maybe it’s because, for some, household responsibilities like chores or child care are being more equitably divvied up between partners — though women continue to take on a greater share of house work — or maybe it’s simply a necessity to renew your commitment to your partner if you’re with them 24/7. Apocalypsing for the win.

Pandemic Parenting. After the year from hell, 2021 is all about helping moms heal from 2020’s craziness and finding ways to support them going forward. The blurred lines between child care, working from home and domestic chores are causing a crisis for America’s mothers. On the flip side, the pandemic is strengthening the bonds between father and child. More couples are sharing child care responsibilities than ever, with 70 percent of fathers reporting that they feel closer to their children since the pandemic —even if they might not be doing as much to help as they think.

Stalking 2.0. Domestic abuse is not a new phenomenon, but its direction during the pandemic certainly is. Domestic abusers are exploiting technology like never before, especially location-sharing tech, home cameras and smart doorbells. Some survivors have even reported their abuser using location tracking software to blackmail them for breaking coronavirus regulations. While resources for people suffering intimate partner violence look a little different right now, help is out there, whether it’s a hand signal on Zoom, an app or a hotline.

In Pod We Trust. While many people report that the pandemic has cost them some friendships, those that remain have become healthier. Thank God for pods, those tight-knit circles of people hailed as a balm for pandemic blues. But be careful how you go about defining and regulating your pod — finding pod members who are on the same COVID-safe wavelength as you is paramount. And as seeking out new friends becomes harder at a distance, apps like Bumble Bff are taking the dating game and applying it to buddies.

No Mask, Big Problem. We all know one, a pandemic rule-breaker friend. Maybe you’ve had to block them on social media after one too many Instagram stories flaunting the group gathering they’re attending. Maybe you’ve had to stop seeing them because you know they’re being irresponsible. If you have, you aren’t alone, but there might be more cause for hope than despair. Harvard researchers found only a small decline in the quality of friendships and relationships in the pandemic, a trend they expect to continue.

Oldies but Goodies. One trend we’re seeing more of: going back through your contacts and finding new friends among the old ones. Maybe it’s a fellow camper that you’ve lost touch with but you live in the same city, or a high school classmate you haven’t seen in forever. It’s become easier than ever to make new friends this year from your casual connections pool.

sex for you

Action Item: Masturbation. Lockdown has presented many people with the opportunity to get acquainted with themselves, if you know what I mean. A recent survey by condom company SKYN found that 39 percent of people were masturbating more during the past year, while 49 percent were watching more porn. It’s just another version of everyone’s favorite term of late: self-care.

Listen for a Good Time. Maybe you’ve tried to watch porn, and it just isn’t for you. Don’t despair because there is a new kind of erotica that might tickle your fancy. Companies like Quinn and Dipsea are pioneering the audio porn frontier. With recorded content that ranges from “appreciative boyfriend” to every possible fantasy your brain can cook up, audio porn promises to be a stimulating way to get you in the mood.

Satisfy Me. At this year’s Consumer Electronics Show, the Innovation Award went to sexual wellness company Satisfyer. It won for its new app, Satisfyer Connect, which syncs your sex toy with your partner’s. You can control your partner’s toy, program patterns and even link a sexy playlist. The app also lets you turn ambient sounds into vibration patterns. In a world where lockdowns are keeping partners apart, this app promises to make socially distanced sex a whole lot more fun.

No More Cold Feet. Have you ever felt like the one thing wrong with your sex toy is that it’s not warm to the touch? No? Well, either way, the sex toy geniuses at Lora DiCarlo released a new line of toys that warm to body temperature. The women-owned brand has enjoyed substantial success since launching in 2017 — hitting $7.5 million in sales — and the new heated line of toys will definitely continue to make waves, or rather, vibrations.

black-owned biz to support

Get Organized. We’ve all had it, that moment of panic when someone goes rummaging around in the drawer where you keep your sex toys. That panic inspired Lidia Bonilla to design a discreet box for your personal pleasure collection and launch Plume. The lockable box is a stylish addition to any bedside table — and there’s also a travel case so your toys can go anywhere you do.

Science Is Sexy. The name says it all. EngErotics is about engineered pleasure, using the best in science and engineering to create best-in-class intimacy products. From devices like the ‘Shroom and Progasm to CBD-infused intimate care products, this women-led company is bringing hard science to the pleasure space.

Condoms for a Cause. Entrepreneur Jason Panda is revolutionizing the world of safe sex. After practicing law, the Morehouse College alum started b condoms, the only African American-owned condom company in the country. B Condoms not only leans into fostering conversations about health disparities, but they work to address them as well by hosting events and distributing condoms in communities.

I Want Candy. Temmy Wallace’s sex toy company sits in the sweet spot where pleasure and education meet up. Appalled by the lack of education about sexual pleasure products, she decided to start her own company, iCandi, that provides outstanding customer service and high quality products — bridging the gap between what you might have learned about pleasure in middle school sex-ed and adult needs.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Cannabis and Sexuality

— How Consumption May Enhance Your Sex Life

Jointly is a cannabis wellness app that launched in April 2020. Jointly’s mission is to help people discover purposeful cannabis consumption. Purposeful cannabis consumption starts with the question: why do you use cannabis?

Although cannabis has a long tradition as an aphrodisiac, many people are just now discovering that cannabis and CBD can be used to enrich their intimate experiences.

What does it mean to enhance intimate moments with cannabis? It could be a married couple looking to add a bit of creativity to their bedroom experience by splitting a cannabis-infused chocolate; a first date made more intimate and playful with a few hits from a vape pen; or a young woman who finds that consuming a small dose of THC makes it easier for her to reach orgasm in her solo sessions.

Can cannabis or CBD help you enhance your intimate moments? Jointly can help you find out, but first let’s review what is known about cannabis, CBD and intimacy.

Is Cannabis an Aphrodisiac?

Various traditional medicine systems have prized cannabis as an aphrodisiac. In 1965, Shri Dwarakanath, the Adviser in Indigenous Systems of Medicine for the Government of India, described numerous Ayurvedic formulations that contained cannabis and were prescribed as aphrodisiacs in rural areas. Dwarakanath noted that cannabis-based aphrodisiacs were found in both the Ayurvedic and Arab medical traditions and seem to have been used for hundreds of years. Evidently, humans have long used cannabis as an aphrodisiac.

But according to Nick Karras, a sexologist who has informally studied the effect of cannabis on people’s sex lives, “Dosing is essential when it comes to cannabis. Consume too much THC, and you may develop a closer relationship with your couch than your partner.”

A counselor of Ayurvedic medicine, Biljana Dušić, MD, seconded this notion: in the Ayurvedic tradition a small to moderate amount of cannabis is considered a powerful aphrodisiac, but habitual, heavy use of cannabis leads to a loss of sexual desire.

For enhancing intimacy, it’s probably best to start with a small dose.

What Does the Science Say About Cannabis and Intimacy?

Due to federal prohibition on cannabis, there is not enough research on how cannabis impacts sex or intimacy to state any firm conclusions. However, there have been several surveys and self-report studies that looked at how cannabis affected sexual frequency or subjective experience.

In 2017, researchers at Stanford University conducted a survey of more than 50,000 adults and found that cannabis use is associated with increased sexual frequency and that it does not appear to impair sexual function.

In 2018, researchers conducted an analysis of self-reported sexual effects of marijuana in a small group of men and women aged 18-25. They found that “the majority of marijuana users reported an increase in sexual enjoyment and orgasm intensity, as well as either an increase or no change in desire.”

Another small survey of men and women explored how cannabis alters people’s sexual experience. The researchers found that 38.7% said sex was better under the influence of cannabis, 58.9% said cannabis increased their desire for sex, 73.8% reported increased sexual satisfaction, 74.3% reported an increased sensitivity to touch, 65.7% reported an increased intensity of orgasms, and 69.8% said they could relax more during sex. While these results are fairly compelling, the survey was only conducted on a few hundred participants who responded to an advertisement, so it is unknown if these results can be generalized.

Biological Sex, Cannabis, and Intimacy

The scientific literature indicates that both men and women can experience a subjective improvement in sexual experiences when they use cannabis. But there is quite a bit of research that biological sex impacts how cannabis affects sexual function.

For females, the research has “almost consistently suggested a faciliatory effect of cannabis on subjective indices of sexual function.”

A study published in July of 2020 looked at whether the frequency of cannabis use, the chemovar (whether it has THC, CBD or both), or the method of consumption had an effect on female sexual function among cannabis users. They found that increased marijuana use was associated with improved sexual function in females. Chemovar type, method of consumption and reason for use did not impact the outcome.

A 2019 study explored how cannabis use prior to sex affected female sexual function and found that “with any use, the majority of women perceived improvement in overall experience, sex drive, orgasm and pain.”

The science on how cannabis affects sexual function in males is less conclusive. A literature review published in 2011 found contradictory results between studies and called for “renewed use of research resources” to learn how cannabis affects male sexual function.

Perception is Reality?

Some studies looking at male and female sexual function found a negative physiological effect of cannabis, but a positive subjective effect. For example, in males “it appears cannabis may actually have peripheral antagonizing effects on erectile function by stimulating specific receptors.” And in females, “cannabinoid receptor agonists, such as cannabis, may impair sexual arousal.”

Studies often focus on sexual arousal because there is a method for objectively measuring physiological arousal, whereas there is not an objective way to measure sexual desire.

Researchers discussing the difference between subjective and objective measures of sexual function stated, “While individuals may report enhanced sexual functioning while under the influence of certain substances, these substances are…often associated with decreased physiological sexual functioning.”

Of course, if people feel their intimate experiences are better when facilitated by cannabis or CBD, the objective physiological markers may not be as relevant.

Enhancing Intimacy with Cannabis

An informal survey was conducted between Eaze, a cannabis delivery service, and Lioness, a climax-tracking vibrator, on several hundred people. The Eaze-Lioness survey tracked the physiological markers of orgasm length and frequency. The survey found that “cannabis can increase the length, frequency, and quality of your orgasms and pleasure sessions whether you’re single or married, solo or with a partner, young adult or silver fox.”

Of course, this survey was not a scientifically rigorous study and more formal research is needed before any conclusions can be drawn. However, many couples have found that consuming cannabis enhances their intimate moments, and the science supports it.

A 2019 study looked at 183 heterosexual, frequent marijuana using couples, and found that using marijuana together, or individually but in the presence of the partner, increased the likelihood of the couple sharing an intimate experience within 2 hours of consumption. When couples used cannabis separately and alone (not in the presence of their partner), there was no increase in likelihood of intimacy.

The researchers concluded, “marijuana use is associated with increased experiences of intimacy, love, caring or support with one’s intimate partner in the next 2 hours.” They suggested it was plausible that subjective feelings of relaxation, happiness and wellbeing after cannabis use led the couples to “experience—or perceive—intimacy” with their partner.

Why Might Cannabis Enhance Intimacy?

The endocannabinoid system plays a central role in “controlling reproductive function in mammals and humans,” and the cannabinoid receptor has been mapped to areas of the brain that play a role in sexual function.

While it is clear that the endocannabinoid system plays an important role in sexual function, there are various other ways that cannabis or CBD can help people enhance their intimate experiences.

For example, scientists have postulated that cannabis may enhance intimate moments by lowering stress and anxiety or decreasing pain associated with sex. Others note that cannabis can slow down the perception of time, thus prolonging sensations of pleasure. Cannabis can also heighten the senses, changing how touch feels.

Whatever the mechanism of action, many people have found that cannabis and intimacy are natural bedfellows.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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“Pleasure is not a dirty topic”

— Hannah Witton on sex toys, oversharing, and love in lockdown

Hannah Witton is a Youtuber and author who writes about relationships and sexual health.

Martha French and Lucie Richardson talk online content, what it means to feel sexy, and Valentine’s Day plans with Youtube sensation and sex educator Hannah Witton.

by Martha French & Lucie Richardson

“Schools and teachers are scared of broaching the topic of pleasure, because of the general erotophobia in our society and the myth that talking about sexual pleasure with young people is the same as telling them all to go have lots of sex. Pleasure is not a dirty topic, it’s not a dangerous topic – it should be an integral part of sex education as it’s an integral part of sex,” says Hannah Witton, “Leaving it out of sex ed (the words “pleasure” and “masturbation” don’t appear once in the Department for Education’s RSE guideance) isn’t protecting young people, it’s just perpetuating the same old message of shame”.

Never afraid to engage with the taboo, Witton rose to YouTube fame in the mid 2010s, amassing an impressive and continuously growing following; at present she has over 700,000 subscribers across two channels. Hannah is renowned for honest videos chronicling her life with ulcerative colitis, which required her to undergo an ileostomy – affectionately referred to as ‘Mona the Stoma’.

“Leaving it out of sex ed isn’t protecting young people, it’s just perpetuating the same old message of shame.”

However, her channel is by no means restricted to discussions of disability, featuring videos on everything from sex and relationships to books, finance, and home decor. Witton’s videos are unique in their ability to advise and educate viewers on problems big and small, all the while retaining an accessibility and a conviviality that keeps her audience coming back for more.

One of her most popular projects is the now annual ‘Instagram sex survey’, in which she asks her (largely female, twenty-something) following questions about their experience of and attitudes towards sex and relationships. Of this year’s results, she says “I think there’s been some more openness around solo sex and sex toys as a lot of people aren’t able to have partnered sex because of lockdown rules, and I’ve seen a general curiosity in sex tech as well, how different apps and toys can enhance sexual experiences over long distances”.

Witton has a positive take on the increasing digitization of the dating world, as “it’s fun, it connects you to other people, and if dating was something you enjoyed doing pre-pandemic it’s important to find ways to still do the things we enjoy or find new ways to get the benefits: new experiences, new connections with people”.

“I think there’s been some more openness around solo sex and sex toys as a lot of people aren’t able to have partnered sex because of lockdown rules.”

However, it is not only the pursuit of pleasure that has changed under the pandemic, Hannah sees it as a win for sexual health too: “the last 12 months has given us the language and tools to talk about our health status and getting tested in terms of COVID and I hope that we can translate that to how we talk about sexual health and STIs”. An ambassador for Brook – a national charity which offers sexual health services and education to young people – Witton often creates content designed to encourage her audience to take charge of their own sexual health and wellbeing. Her videos range from destigmatising taboo topics such as STI testing, to informing viewers about the pros and cons of different contraception methods.

Off the back of this Youtube fame, Witton has published two sex-ed style books. The first is Doing It: Let’s Talk About Sex… (2017), an honest and informative guide to understanding and approaching sex and relationships in the 21st century. The second, The Hormone Diaries: The Bloody Truth About Our Periods (2019), combines anecdotes and research to help reader’s tackle the “hormone rollercoaster” that is menstruation.

It is this increasing notoriety not only online but on bookshelves that has led Witton to reconsider her responsibilities and boundaries as an influencer. She admits to being in two minds about the discourse surrounding the obligation to speak up and share: “I used to think it was as simple as if you have a platform then you have a moral responsibility to do good with that – talk about issues, raise awareness, get your audience taking political action. And whilst those things are all still important, I also now think there is more nuance to what “good” is. Do your posts about interior design or music or cooking bring people joy? Great! Joy, fun, and play are just as important as talking about the causes we fight for. I’ve also seen a shift to this pressure and expectation placed on influencers to talk about every bad thing that happens in the world the moment it happens and if you don’t share your “response” in a timely manner then you are a terrible person. Just because someone isn’t sharing something publicly doesn’t mean they don’t care, doesn’t mean they’re not donating, doesn’t mean they’re not learning or taking action.”

Whilst her content is inherently confessional, in recent years Witton has made a conscious effort to separate elements of her day-to-day life from her online presence, most notably in the context of her relationship. However, Witton’s wedding this year brought a series of related content, and most recently she has been documenting her experiences of trying for a baby. Therefore, for Hannah, it remains “a conversation I’m always having with myself – what I’m comfortable sharing and what I’m not. I don’t have any hard lines other than just listening to my gut”.

This no-pressure outlook extends too to her lockdown expectations, for she accepts that the pandemic hasn’t taught her much about herself – “and I think that’s fine! You don’t have to be having massive revelations during lockdown, you can just be the same person you were before”.

Over the years, Witton has gained a thorough understanding of her own relationship with her sexuality and she frequently uses this knowledge to spark discussion or moments of self-discovery with her following. When asked if she had any specific tips or tricks that she uses to help herself feel sexy she responded: “It’ll be different for everyone but I love putting on sexy lingerie – that’s a quick way to get me out of life mindset and into sexy mindset. But I do think we often focus too much on what will make us feel sexy rather than what will help us step out of all the things we’ve been doing and worrying about during the day. What can you do to be able to step out of that to allow the sexy feelings to emerge? It could be as simple as turning your phone off, having an uninterrupted conversation with your partner, having a dance and literally shaking off all the life or work or school thoughts”.

And does Hannah herself have any plans for Valentine’s day this year? “No,” she laughs, “Just a regular Sunday in lockdown”.

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