Month: August 2021

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How to have The Talk with your kids

—Avoid eye contact, joke and invent an imaginary friend

Parents panic about The Talk because we carry a lifetime’s worth of baggage, but children are baggage-free and are not often after an in-depth conversation.

If the thought of talking to your child about sex is terrifying, you’re not alone. But there are ways to ease everyone’s discomfort.

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Does talking to my child about sex have to be a mortifying nightmare?

There doesn’t seem to be a word for “fear of talking to your young children about sex” but it’s a phobia so widespread that surely someone should have coined one by now. But there’s good news: like many phobias, with a bit of deep breathing and some light mental reprogramming it can be overcome.

The first conversation you’ll have with your child about sex will be most likely be The Talk. At least that’s what it’s known as – ideally it’ll be a series of talks over many years. The original Talk is The Answer to The Question (ie where did I come from?), a question often delivered when parents aren’t entirely prepared.

It’s important to note that when kids ask this question, they’re usually not asking specifically about sex. Parents, with a rising sense of panic and a lifetime’s worth of baggage, often assume they are.

Children, on the other hand, are baggage-free. They’re not after an in-depth conversation about sex and sexuality. They’re asking about how babies are made – a story that’s much bigger than the (admittedly important) intercourse. It’s about bodies and puberty, about using proper terminology for genitalia, about how babies grow and develop, how they’re born and fed. With almost one in every 20 babies in Australia now born through alternative reproductive techniques, it’s also about other forms of conception and different types of families.

Sex is part of the whole story though and in this scenario it’s all about procreation. You don’t need to go into a great amount of detail. It’s good to include some loving feelings and kissing and cuddling, but – fear not – you’re not focusing on the foreplay. The whole thing is basically a way for that all-important sperm to meet that special egg and for the story to go on.

Relieved parents often report a lack of follow-up questions but children learn according to their own level of comprehension so there’s a very high chance this won’t be your first and only conversation on the subject. That’s a GOOD THING and will form the basis for trust and future communication.

If the idea of talking The Talk still mortifies you, remember that the whole story of human conception is something that all children need to know. It’s science, and not only is it science, it’s incredibly, amazingly cool! On top of all that, it’s a wonderful thing to be able to sit with your child and share the story of how (most) little humans come to be. Don’t forget to include alternative conception. It may not involve sex but it’s another side of the story too.

Humour is also a great embarrassment buster so try to take a light-hearted approach. If your child senses that you’re uncomfortable or that the subject is taboo, his or her friend The Internet is happy to help. Typing “s-e-x” into Google may get you a smorgasbord of options but none are likely to be healthy for children.

Finally, remember – you’re not alone. There are books and other resources out there that can help you find the right words.

But wait! Just when you thought you’d got that talking-about-sex stuff out of the way, there’s more! This time it’s about sex as recreation, not procreation and this time it’s not YOU who’s feeling mortified.

Unsurprisingly, few teenagers are champing at the bit to talk about their sex lives with their olds. Parents may hear of – even meet – girlfriends, boyfriends or partners and have good reason (ie their kid has access to the internet) to suspect their child is familiar with at least some pornography but that side of their teen’s life is usually shrouded in mystery.

Small children may want to know where they came from but teenagers are interested in where they’re going to and who they’re becoming. Their bodies are developing and so are their attitudes to sex and sexuality. It’s no longer just about making babies – it’s about lust and desire but also about respect, relationships, consent, communication, gender, masturbation, pornography, body image, boundaries and a whooooole lot more.

Even if you’ve managed to establish good communication with your kid, talking about sex and sexuality can still be tricky. Teenagers like to be treated like adults but sometimes the best way to initiate a potentially difficult chat is to break the rules of adult conversation.

Do not look your child in the eye. Go for a drive or walk the dog or find an activity that involves neither of you facing each other. This makes it feel like less of an interrogation and opens up space to talk. Eye contact may come later if circumstances permit.

Another tactic (and here eye contact is allowed) is to avoid directly addressing what you’re trying to talk about. Rather than asking them about a particular issue, try mentioning that a “work mate” (ie imaginary friend) has a teenager going through said issue and ask what they think. Your kid might not open up to you about their own experience but they’ll know that you’re aware of these things and you value their opinions.

Alternately, talk about something you – or they – have seen in a TV show or movie or read in a book. Art is a great way to talk about hypothetical moral quandaries, relationship concerns, matters of sexuality etc that might not be so hypothetical for your teenager. Stories in the news, such as the Brittany Higgins allegations or Chanel Contos’ private school survey, can also be used to start a conversation. These all help you discuss issues in an abstracted sense and make your child feel they can explore opinions without being judged.

There’s one adult conversation rule you definitely should follow: listen. Not only is it important for teenagers to feel heard but you’ll learn something too. They’re growing up in a different world, one which in many ways is more open and accepting than that of their parents.

Sex is never a topic in isolation. Whether procreational or recreational, it’s always part of a bigger story about who we are and how we relate to others. Take a deep breath and master that mortification. It’s all going to be alright.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Heteronormativity?

— And How Does It Shape the World Around You?

It’s literally everything.

By Gabrielle Kassel

Maybe you recently decided to gift your social feeds the presence of LGBTQ+ activists and influencers. Or maybe you’re doing your part to be an informed LGBTQ+ ally. Whatever the reason — and no matter your sexuality or gender — odds are you’ve stumbled onto certain words that make you feel like you need a goddamn gender and sexuality Ph.D. to understand. And one of those words is heteronormativity.

That’s why we put together this Heteronormativity 101 explainer. Read on to learn the official definition of heteronormativity, as well as where it came from, and how it (negatively) impacts the day-to-day lives of so many people.

Heteronormativity, Defined

At its most distilled, heteronormativity is the pervasive assumption that every single person is heterosexual, cisgender, and allosexual, unless otherwise stated.

  • Heterosexual: The term for those who are attracted to people with gender that is different from their own.
  • Cisgender: The term used when a person’s gender aligns with their sex assigned at birth. For instance, a person assigned female at birth who is a woman.
  • Allosexual: Allosexuality names the experience of enjoying regular sexual attraction toward others. It’s the opposite of asexuality, which means someone experiences little to know sexual attraction.

“[Heteronormativity] names the belief that being straight and cisgender [and allosexual] are the only normal and natural expressions of sexuality and gender,” and that everything else is deviant, explains Jesse Kahn, L.C.S.W., C.S.T., director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC.

Queer theorists Michael Warner and Lauren Berlant coined the term in 1988 in their iconic queer theory text, Sex In Public, to put a name to the ways this assumption privileges people who actually are straight (and cisgender and allosexual) while disenfranchising anyone who is not. “By heteronormativity, we mean the institutions, structures of understanding, and practical orientations that make heterosexuality seem not only coherent…but privileged,” they wrote. “Its privilege can take several (sometimes contradictory) forms.” More on those forms below.

What Heteronormativity Looks Like In Action

Heteronormativity is inescapable. It’s folded into everything from who’s cast as the love interests in romantic comedies to the fact that people are still having gender reveal parties and the belief that you can discern someone’s gender and pronouns just by looking at them (you can’t!). It also fuels assumptions such as the idea that bisexuality is a phase and the expectation that someone is dating someone of a different gender from their own when they say they have a partner.

It regulates who dates who, who screws who, how people express their gender, how people dress, and how they express their sexuality, says queer sex educator and sex science researcher Eva Bloom, creator of the F*ck the Patriarchy, F*ck Yourself self-pleasure course for non-men. And through the baked-in assumption that there are just two genders (man and women), “it also erases non-binary people, transgender people, and any other gender-expansive people,” they say. It also inherently relies on the idea that biological sex is binary — meaning that someone is born either male or female — which is scientifically untrue, and thus erases the existence of intersex people, adds Bloom.

Where Did Heteronormativity Originate?

Humans have been having sex with people all across the gender spectrum forever, says Bloom. But Western society didn’t begin associating identity labels with certain sex acts until the 1920s and 1930s, when the terms “heterosexual” and “homosexual” — which were previously used as medical markers for “excessive” attraction to the opposite or same sex, respectively — underwent a linguistic makeover, according to OutHistory.org, an LGBTQ+ history website created by Jonathan Ned Katz, author of Gay American History: Lesbians and Gay Men in the U.S.A. The terms made their debut in the Merriam-Webster dictionary in 1923 with definitions in line with their medical roots, but in 1934, both terms got an update. “Homosexuality is the eroticism for one of the same sex,” read one of the entries. “Heterosexuality is a manifestation of sexual passion for one of the opposite sex; normal sexuality,” read the second. And with these, came the attachment of normalcy to heterosexuality and abnormalcy to homosexuality.

“Before that, any differentiation between good sex and wrong sex lied in the difference between procreative sex and non-procreative sex, where all different types of non-procreative sex (masturbation, same-sex sex, cisgender heterosexual sex for the sake of pleasure, etc.) were all deemed as being equally wrong,” explains Bloom. You can thank religion for that mentality, aka purity culture.

So, while the hetero/homo binary — and therefore heterosexism — may seem like an indestructible constant, it’s actually a nasty side effect of a dictionary entry. (For a full breakdown on the history of “heterosexuality,” check out the BBC article The Invention of Heterosexuality by Brandon Ambrosino.)

The Harmfulness of Heteronormativity Cannot Be Overstated

The material, physical, mental, and emotional consequences that LGBTQ+ individuals face at the hands of heteronormativity are very real. In an explicit and implicit way, “heteronormativity says anyone who is not heterosexual and/or cisgender and/or allosexual is strange, abnormal, deviant, and unnatural,” explains Kahn. This opens up opportunities for LGBTQ+ people to be discriminated against, rejected, and enacted violence on, he says.

“The stats about the violence, rejection, and discrimination that LGBTQ people face match this experience,” he says. One 2020 report by the Williams Institute at the UCLA School of Law shows that, overall, LGBTQ+ people are nearly four times more likely than non-LGBTQ+ to be victims of violent crimes, including aggravated assault, sexual assault, rape, and violent victimization. The pervasiveness of these occurrences, which disproportionately target trans women of color, create a dynamic in which LGBTQ+ people need to be hypervigilant of any potential harms, sending their central nervous systems into a near-constant state of fight-or-flight in the process, and exacerbating symptoms of anxiety. That’s just one potential reason why lesbian, gay, and bisexual adults are more than twice as likely as heterosexual adults to experience a mental health condition, according to the National Alliance On Mental Illness; meanwhile, transgender individuals are nearly four times as likely as cisgender individuals to experience a mental health condition.

These injustices don’t even take a break in the workplace or doctors offices: 25 percent of LGBTQ+ people report workplace discrimination, according to the National LGBTQ Workers Center, while 56 percent of LGB individuals and 70 percent of transgender individuals report being been discriminated against at some point in their life in medical settings. The result of these discriminations ranges from lack of job security and financial stability to worsened health outcomes. (See More: Transgender Healthcare Discrimination Is a Huge Problem You Need to Know About)

Wait, So What Is Homonormativity?

If you’ve heard the term “heteronormativity,” you may have also heard the term “homonormativity,” and while the two terms many sound similar, they operate very differently. Put simply, homonormativity names the phenomenon of LGBTQ+ individuals shaping their relationships to mirror the family structures, dress codes, and gender roles modeled by cisgender heterosexual folks. Not a harmless game of copy-cat, however, homonormativity distracts from actual queer liberation, which involves fighting for the rights of the most disenfranchised people, namely Black trans femmes. Many people say homonormativity is the reason, for example, that same-sex marriage was a legal priority for the LGBTQ+ activists rather than anti-discrimination laws. (Related: I’m Black, Queer, and Polyamorous — Why Does That Matter to My Doctors?)

Here’s the thing: Homonormativity is an important phenomenon for LGBTQ+ people to be aware of in order to hold themselves accountable for their most disenfranchised community members. But as Michael Warner and Lauren Berlant made note of in Sex In Public, “because homosexuality can never have the invisible, tactic, society-founding rightness that heterosexuality has, it [is not] possible to speak of homonormativity in the same sense [that we talk about heteronormativity].” In other words, while the consequences of homonormativity are, indeed, very real, heteronormativity is the first line of action.

How to Destabilize Heteronormativity

To be clear, the idea that heteronormativity can be dismantled by individuals making small gestures in their individual lives is actually heteronormativity in action. Heteronormativity is built into the systems that shape our lives. So, actually overthrowing heteronormativity requires a total re-working of life as we know it, and includes things like the disintegration of the prison industrial complex, the implementation of universal health care, and the dis-entanglement of rights from marital status. The idea that a single person can unpack heteronormativity is similar to the idea that combating global warming is as simple as individuals using paper straws.

That said, kudos to you for wanting to dismantle heteronormativity in order to help make the lives of gender and sexual minorities more livable and joy-filled. Because, yes, there are absolutely steps you can take in your life to create a more equitable world.

The first is to become aware of the existence of heteronormativity, which by reading this you have already conquered. The next is to use this new awareness to interrogate your own thoughts, prejudices, and assumptions around sex, sexuality, and gender, as well as how those prejudices shape the world around you, according to The Rainbow Resource Centre, a non-profit that serves the LGBTQ+ community in Ontario, Canada.

Some questions to ask yourself:

  • What beliefs have I been taught about gender that have informed my ideas about what qualifies as “good” and “bad” womanhood and manhood?
  • What assumptions do I make about the sexual health status, sexual tastes, sexual frequency, number of partners, and tastes do I make about people who I know are not straight?
  • Does my social media, movie, podcast, and book consumption accurately reflect the gender and sexual diversity of the world? (Related: Reading Queer Memoirs Helped Connect Me to the LGBTQ+ Community — Here Are 11 I Recommend)
  • What could I do to make my gym, work-space, and doctor’s office safer for LGBTQ+ people?
  • Are there times when I could move away from gendered-language?

Ideally, you’ll be able to use the answers to the above questions to make impactful changes. At the very least, says Kahn, “these changes should include shifting away from heteronormativity include offering pronouns, using gender-neutral language (such as for partners and spouses), learning about and from LGBTQ+ people and experiences, and unlearning microaggressive language (like “preferred” pronouns, “real” name, and “regular” or “normal” as synonyms for heterosexual or cisgender).” (Next read: Tools to Help You Uncover Implicit Bias)

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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BDSM Sex Can Actually Cure Your Anxiety, Says Science

By Rebecca Jane Stokes

It used to be if you wanted to hear about BDSM sex, you had to hunt for some dirty stories about bondage in furtive dark corners.

Although it’s now known that people who have BDSM sex are healthier and less neurotic, this kink was still something secretive and vaguely dirty that no polite-minded person would ever talk about in public.

But now, thanks in part (she typed ruefully) to the success of books like 50 Shades of Grey, BDSM has become more and more mainstream.

People who might have gone a lifetime having perfectly reasonable vanilla sex have started to discover their kinky BDSM sides and more power to them.

Even people who aren’t into BDSM don’t look down their noses at this kinky lifestyle the way they might have in the past.

BDSM sex has become so mainstream that science has even started researching it.

That’s how you know your kink has arrived when someone is watching you engage in it whilst clutching a clipboard.

A study by Northern Illinois University has found that BDSM sex can help increase mindfulness, reduce stress, make you hyperaware, and help people stay in the moment.

So yeah, it’s basically like yoga but with optional full penetration.

The researchers watched couples engaged in BDSM sex (those kinky little scientists) and discovered that they entered a state they called “flow”, which is similar to the state an athlete gets when they are”in the zone.”

This is also presumably the same state I get into when presented with a dozen hot chocolate chip cookies.

The researchers say that “Flow is an enjoyable and pleasurable state that people get into when they are performing an activity that requires a high level of skill. It’s a state in which the rest of the world kind of fades away and somebody is concentrating very intensely only on what they are doing.”

The researchers monitored the stress, testosterone, and cortisol levels of seven couples who engaged in BDSM sex. In addition to this easy-to-track physical stuff, they also recorded the couples’ mood, closeness, and their “flow” state.

All of the participants in the study reported being in a better mood after this kind of sex, and their stress levels were SUPER reduced after engaging in BDSM sex.

None of this seems that surprising to me at all. I’m a highly anxious person, and I have always maintained that part of what draws me to the BDSM kink is the intense feeling of relaxation it makes me feel. For me, it’s partially giving up all of my worry and control to someone else that is so sensationally de-stressing.

So it makes sense to me that there’s a science to back up those very real feelings.

You don’t have to be a kinky person who is into BDSM sex to get your stress relief. There are plenty of other ways of reducing stress and anxiety, like going for a run or joining your church choir.

But if having rigorous sex is ever a cure for something, you can rest assured that this is the cure I will take.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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New ways to think about sex

An enjoyable sexual relationship can happen without traditional intercourse.

By Matthew Solan

People’s bodies change over time. Probably nowhere is this most telling than with their sex lives.

For men, sexual drive can slow as hormone production naturally drops, and it’s common to experience erectile dysfunction or health issues that can interfere with sexual performance.

Women can have their own physical barriers to sex, such as vaginal dryness and lower libido after menopause. All of these issues can make conventional sex problematic and stressful for both parties.

“Even though older adults go through physical changes, they often expect their sex life to stay the way it was decades earlier, and that is just not always realistic,” says Dr. Sharon Bober, director of the Sexual Health Program at Harvard-affiliated Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. “Still, there are many ways to continue a strong, healthy sexual relationship without always relying on regular intercourse. Couples should see this new phase of their sex lives as an opportunity to explore different and exciting ways to satisfy each other.”

Redefining sex

The first step older couples should take is to re-examine their definition of “sex.” “Don’t give in to the idea of a so-called normal sex life being narrowly defined,” says Dr. Bober. “Sex refers to a broad spectrum, and there are many places you can land.”

Examine what sex now means to you and your partner. This could mean changing how you pleasure each other, routines you follow, and frequency — as well as making compromises about expectations. “Don’t assume there is only one way to have a sexual relationship,” says Dr. Bober. “It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”

Your relationship status also can shape this new idea of sex. For instance, some couples may enjoy a connection based more on companionship, where the emphasis is on emotional bonding and spending quality time together and less on the physical side.

Language of love

As with most aspects of a strong relationship, communication is vital. “The more you avoid talking about your sex lives, the bigger the issues become,” says Dr. Bober.

Of course, talking about sex isn’t always easy, but most partners are open and willing to discuss and share if given a chance. “Often partners aren’t sure how to begin the conversation, so it never happens,” she says. There are many ways to initiate a sex dialogue. Here are some suggestions:

Seek permission. Begin the conversation positively. For instance, say something like “I want to find ways to reconnect that feel good for both of us” or “Our sex life has been on my mind and I have been wondering if I could share some of my thoughts. Is it okay to talk about it?”

By asking for permission, you can broach the topic without intimidating your partner. “This initial conversation is not about making demands, but about finding ways to explore mutual goals,” says Dr. Bober.

Invite a response. Make it clear you want to hear your partner’s feelings too. For example, say, “I’ve been wondering how you feel about our sex life. What has sex been like for you?” Inviting partners to participate can prevent them from feeling defensive and shows you care about their experience and input, says Dr. Bober.

Express what you both want. Talk about what you both hope to gain from this new sexual relationship, such as more excitement, greater closeness, or even reconnection. “Sharing your needs and expectations helps your partner express theirs, so you both can come to some kind of mutual understanding,” says Dr. Bober.

Different ways to satisfy

Once you’ve had these talks, then you both can look for different ways to approach your new sex life.

Dr. Bober says a good place to begin is with “outercourse.” Here, the attention and energy are directed toward foreplay and manual stimulation with your partner, like massages, hugging, petting, kissing, or just snuggling naked in bed.

“The emphasis is on intimacy and closeness without any big expectations of intercourse,” says Dr. Bober. “This can take the pressure off both partners and eliminate some of the stress and anxiety of having regular sex. It also shows that you can interact with your partner in various satisfying ways.”

Penetration is not always needed to achieve pleasure or orgasm for both people. Instead, try sexual aids like vibrators as well as manual stimulation, masturbation, and oral sex.

As you explore ways to stay intimate, be mindful that every couple is unique.

“A sexual relationship is defined by the two people in it and nobody else,” says Dr. Bober. “Focus on what matters to you and your partner. Your sex lives may have changed, but together you can discover what’s best for each other and your relationship.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Children With Disabilities Need Sex Ed Too

By Cammie McGovern

In 2018, an N.P.R. investigation sent shock waves through the community of people with intellectual or developmental disabilities, their families and their care providers: according to Department of Justice data, these people are at least seven times as likely to be the victims of sexual abuse as their nondisabled peers. Terrified parents like me have been grappling with this news ever since, unsure of what steps to take to best protect their children.

If they had previously thought about it at all, most parents probably assumed their child’s high school transition-to-adulthood program would address this issue, with sex-ed programs that include, at the very least, the necessary vocabulary for self-protection, like good touch/bad touch. But here’s the shocking reality: Currently, only three states in the country explicitly include special ed students in their sex-ed requirements. Six other states provide optional resources adapted for more accessible sex-ed curriculums. Thirty-six states fail to mention students with special needs at all, meaning the issue is left up to the individual school districts that, more often than not, punt the ball until parents demand it or a crisis arises, e.g., two students are found in a bathroom stall or a nonverbal girl is discovered to be pregnant. Then frantic measures are hastily put in place. Inevitably, the teachers are ill-prepared, the message muddled and the impact unclear, especially when these measures comes far too late for many students.

As the parent of a 25-year-old with autism, it’s not hard for me to see how this issue got lost along the way. Schools are laser-focused on the measurable goals the federal government has prioritized — namely, employment and independent living. Where we live, in a liberal college town that wouldn’t have faced much in the way of moral or religious objection, sex education still wasn’t taught in Ethan’s special-ed classroom until other parents demanded it when he was about 17.

The topic has long been a thorny issue for the federal government, even for the mainstream student population. Since the late 1980s, approximately $2 billion has been allocated for abstinence-only-until-marriage curriculums that countless studies have shown to be ineffective in reducing teen pregnancy. Over the last six years, a handful of bills have made their way through state legislatures mandating more comprehensive sex education that includes information on contraception, S.T.D. prevention, online safety and sexual orientation. While this is undoubtedly a step in the right direction, little — if any — mention is made in these bills when it comes to students with disabilities.

A glance at a radically different approach taken in Britain shows us that it is possible to do better for all our children.

In 2017, Britain enacted a law requiring “relationships and sexuality education” to take place in all secondary schools, with a foundation that starts much earlier. In primary grades, pupils starting at age 6 will get one or two lessons a week on “healthy relationships,” including anti-bullying, friendship-building and empathy. Later on, older students will cover topics including consent, healthy and unhealthy relationships, L.G.B.T. issues, gender stereotyping, harassment and social media safety. The government argues that the earlier curriculum sets up a strong basis for the more complex subjects covered in adolescence.

In Britain, this mandate both includes special-ed students, and also offers a whole gamut of specific recommendations for them: encouraging a “spiral curriculum” where topics are revisited regularly in greater depth; avoiding euphemistic language (like “sleeping together”) that can confuse children with disabilities, especially those on the autistic spectrum; using experiential learning, including field trips to health clinics; and role playing during which students are given a chance to practice saying “No.”

This inclusive approach plays out in countless ways. On the BBC’s educational channel, it’s possible to watch elementary pupils with developmental disabilities pass around an anatomically correct doll as the teacher talks about body parts. For older children, schools may buy books with cartoon illustrations — such as “Things Ellie Likes: A Book About Sexuality and Masturbation for Girls and Young Women With Autism and Related Conditions” and “Things Tom Likes,” with information for boys and young men.

I’m embarrassed to say, when Ethan was growing up, it didn’t occur to us to make these kinds of resources a priority — both for his safety and for the sake of the possible relationships he might one day want to explore. We were too busy fretting about his failed job placements and teaching him how to use an A.T.M. I suspect the same is true for many families navigating the choppy waters of transitioning a child with developmental disabilities into adulthood. You look around for clues to their future, the same way you did when they were a newly diagnosed toddler: What matters most? What should we focus on? You follow the lead of other parents and educators — mostly focused on jobs and cooking skills — and you hope they’re right. And then you hear a story on N.P.R. confirming the reality of a fear you’ve buried for too long and you think: Wait. Why haven’t we talked about this more?

We know our children and their exquisite vulnerability: their willingness to trust, their dependence on others for help. How do you teach a child that the world isn’t all the kindhearted teachers and adults they’ve known all their lives? The answer is clear: We ask those teachers to help us tell them. And we demand that our government gives those teachers the training and tools to do so.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Feminist Guide to BDSM

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This guide isn’t going to be exhaustive, or it would be book-length. And, in fact, there are some great books about how to get started in BDSM. For starters, I recommend checking out

But what you’ll find below should give you some great starting points and some things to consider as you explore (or entertain exploring) BDSM from an intersectional feminist perspective.

Jump to a section:

Let’s make sure we’re on the same page by starting with some terms.

What is BDSM?

BDSM is a rather complex acronym with the letters meaning different things depending on their pairing. B and D stand for Bondage and Discipline; D and s stand for Dominance and submission; and S and M stand for Sadism and Masochism.

But what does all of that mean?

You probably have ideas in your head about what BDSM looks like: leather-clad Dominatrixes and naked submissives wearing collars, dimly lit dungeons where people are tied up and hit with things. And all of this is true and (for some) intriguing. But let’s flesh out that vision, a little. 

For starters, BDSM can be something you do. For instance, if you tie up a partner or spank them with a paddle, that’s participating in BDSM.

But BDSM can also be a mindset; a way of defining roles in a relationship; a framework through which you express your desires and limits with a partner; and a community of people interested in alternative expressions of sexuality, intimacy, and power.

BDSM often involves an exchange of power between two or more people: someone in a Dominant or top role and someone in a submissive or bottom role. The person submitting gives the person(s) dominating them permission to take control over the situation. This power dynamic can last over a particular period of time (or a scene) or be ongoing in a relationship.

What I love about BDSM and kink is that your creativity is the limit to what you can do with it. In their New Bottoming Book, Dossie and Janet define S/M as “play, theater, communication, intimacy, sexuality. It combines the child’s urge for make-believe with the adult’s ability to take responsibility and the adult’s privilege of sexual reward.”

That definition can encompass a whole lot of types of activities, right? Not only getting blindfolded and flogged or whatever first comes to mind.

If you’re looking for places to start, besides what you fantasize about, consider signing up for workshops sponsored by a local group or online. Check out organizations like Kinky Kollege or workshops by Midori.

So what about kink?

What is Kink?

Kink is a very, very vague term. And many people use kink and BDSM interchangeably which, unless you’re a really old-school Dominant or Master, is perfectly fine. Because, as we saw above, BDSM can mean a lot of things, as well.

But, where BDSM has at least a set of terms (Bondage, dominance, etc) that help define what it is, kink doesn’t.

In Playing Well With Others, Williams and Harrington define kink as shorthand for:

The great big world of sexual adventure, including, but not limited to, voyeurism, exhibitionism, fetishism, fantasy role-playing, cross-dressing, power exchange, swinging, leather identity, erotic restraint, consensual non-monogamy, ‘naughty sex’ and BDSM between consenting adults. In short, the realm of sexuality perceived to be outside the mainstream.”

Folks often describe themselves as being “kinky” or “into kink” when they’re interested in exploring things considered sexually deviant which, once again, can be about anything.

A good way of looking at it is that you may want to use the word kink in a conversation if you want to explain your interested in exploring (sex, relationships, etc) in ways that are out of the norm. Just be prepared for someone else to have totally different assumptions about what you mean.

Is BDSM Inherently Feminist?

The short answer is no. But BDSM, as well as other kinky activities, has to potential to fit nicely within a feminist value system.

There’s a newish trend for separating ethical non-monogamy from non-monogamy, in general. So someone who is open about dating multiple people at once or being in an open marriage might say they’re ethically non-monogamous.

Similarly, let’s assume that what we’re describing in this article is a way of participating in “ethical BDSM.”

And when I say feminist, I mean: Requiring equity in one’s relationships, actions, and communities for all people, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, religious background, physical ability, age, race, and other identity components while being aare of and celebrating those differences.

The most common objections to BDSM are that BDSM is just an excuse to support patriarchal gender roles or to enable abuse. 

Some feminists consider BDSM just another “system of oppression” that encourages violence against women and other gender minorities and takes away their agency.

One reason for these objections is that it’s considerably more common in cisgender heterosexual relationships for the woman to be in the submissive role. In a study published by the Journal of Sexual Medicine, over half of the women surveyed reported desires about being submissive.

But for many women exploring their submissiveness, what makes it a feminist act is their ability to choose what they want to explore. This choice is the foundation of their agency. BDSM also provides a structure for exploring this power dynamic that prioritizes consent.

Kink also isn’t inherently inclusive. Many kink events do a horrible job of being accessible. Kink communities can be transphobic, ageist, racist.

Safety 101

From tying someone up to participating in a power dynamic, much of BDSM or kink involves physical and/or emotional risk. 

Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK)

There is a framework that many BDSM practitioners use to practice kink and BDSM ethically. This is RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink). Risk-aware means understanding the risks of a given activity before participating in it: essentially doing one’s homework. For many types of play, such as bondage and impact play, such as whips, floggers, and canes, I strongly recommend taking classes to learn the physical risks and how to do things safely.

Risk-awareness is also an acknowledgment that the level of risk any two people are willing to assume is different and that’s ok.

Now, consent in a power dynamic can get trickier. So how does one truly give consent when giving someone control over their body or actions? That’s where negotiation comes in.

Negotiation is Key

Before one participates in kinky play, negotiation is so important. Here are some things to discuss (at the very minimum):

  • What is going to happen (it won’t ruin the fun to talk it out)
  • Any boundaries and limits
  • How to determine when play should stop if something goes wrong
  • What both parties need afterward to ground themselves (otherwise known as aftercare)
  • If there are any physical injuries or emotional trauma that might come up

Here are some other resources on negotiation to get you started:

The benefits of red and yellow

Instead of some random safeword that you might have a hard time remembering, many kinksters use red and yellow, which are easy to remember. Red tends to mean “full stop,” and yellow means “I’m approaching my limit” or “pause.”

When you’re deciding on which terms to use, you should also discuss what they mean to everyone involved. For instance, does saying red mean the scene should end right then and there or does it mean you take a break and discuss? Do you prefer to say yellow as a way of saying you want to discuss what’s happening or to ask the top to move on from a particular body part or action?

It can also be important to know what someone means when they say “no” during a scene. Don’t make assumptions — talk it through beforehand.

BDSM Roles

For some, the idea of submitting to someone else is as unattractive as doing one’s taxes. For others, being in a dominant position comes with the same anxiety as talking in public. And then there are folks, often referred to as switches, who desire both. Whether they feel like topping or bottoming might depend on how they relate or interact to a given person or the person’s gender or the season.

Folks can be a self-identified dominant, top, submissive, bottom, or switch. Or it can simply be a role they assume in a given scene.

In fact, in an interview with Rebellious, sex educator, performer, and Shibari expert, Midori explains that she sees these roles more as verbs than nouns:

“A person is not ‘a dominant.’ A person is a person. A person engages in dominance. Or hungers for dominance or hungers for submission. So when we say a person is a top, a bottom, a dominant, a submissive, I think we engage in the subconscious reduction and objectification of the self, and that is not good. It’s a counter to feminism and it’s counter to humanism.

“Now, I understand if we’re using this as shorthand. Let’s say you and I are playmates and I say, “I’m your bottom.” Then that’s kind of romantic. But that’s coming from a place of understanding complexity.”

After reading this interview, I started making it a habit to tell folks “I switch,” as opposed to “I am a switch.”

Beyond the basics, there are many, many roles one can take in a kinky relationship. One can be a daddy or mommy, a boi, a big. little, brat, leather sibling, pony, puppy, owner, master, slave, mistress, and so on. As you explore, you’ll learn what these roles mean (to others and possibly to you). Being able to assume a new role with someone can help you expand or define your unique relationship and what you want out of it. To learn more about various roles, I recommend exploring Fetlife. If a term intrigues you, search for a group about that role.

How to Approach Fetlife

So where do you meet other fellow kinky folks? The best place to go is Fetlife, which is a bit like Facebook for Kinksters. Please keep in mind it is very not safe for work! 

But I’d like to offer a couple of tips on how to approach the site because it can be a bit overwhelming.

Most people don’t want to hear from strangers. 

Many folks use Fetlife as a dating site and look for cuties in their area. Sometimes this works well. In fact, I wound up in a great relationship with someone I randomly messaged. But for the most part, people don’t want to get random, impersonal “Hey you’re cute, can I get to know you?” messages. 

If you really like what someone has on their profile, then at the very least, send more personal messages if you want to get to know someone. But also please check to see if they have something on their profile about not wanting to hear from randos.

You’re better off getting involved in forums and community events to build an organic connection. And, in fact, there are many dating forums where you can post or respond to folks that are specifically looking for someone.

If you’re shy or nervous, reach out to an event organizer

If you want to get involved, but you’re nervous about it, look for an event you’re interested in, then find the person in charge of the event. These are generally people that have taken an interest in building the BDSM community and will be happy to help.

6 Things I Wish I’d Known When I Started

  1. It’s OK To Speak Up For Yourself When Bottoming

When I was getting started, I thought that being a good submissive meant accepting whatever the Dominant wanted, which isn’t even remotely true. Thankfully I was lucky enough to work with some experienced, thoughtful tops who negotiated well and were communicative as we played. 

But many of my experiences could’ve been better if I’d known it was ok to speak up more about what I wanted. Now, these dynamics can work in many ways. Perhaps a submissive wants to give up control completely to a Dominant during a scene — which is fine if it’s well negotiated. But it doesn’t need to be that way. It’s also okay to speak up in the middle of a scene and say, “This isn’t working, can we try something else?” or stop the scene completely, etc. And all submissives need to know that you’re not failing or being bad when you speak up. 

For more, check out Julia Swann’s three-part series on Self-Advocacy as a Bottom.

  1. Pain thresholds aren’t a competition

When it comes to lots of types of kinky play, I have a low pain threshold compared to others. I am not what is known as a “pain slut.” I like just enough pain or discomfort to keep me in the moment and give me that adrenaline rush.

I am not the right play partner for many Dominants/Sadists who want their bottom to take as much pain as they can dish out. Nope! Not for me!

Many submissives can feel pressured (either by themselves or by a top) into taking more pain than they want. Which is dumb. And I think it has to do with the competitive nature of our culture.

BDSM allows you to play with one’s pain threshold which has a number of benefits, such as exploring your physical and emotional limits, achieving a sense of mindfulness, achieving “subspace” — a blissful headspace that can feel like a high, build new self-knowledge, go through something challenging with another person. Unless you’re intentionally specifically looking to be competitive with another person, you don’t need to take more pain to achieve these benefits.

  1. You don’t need pain AT ALL for a fun scene

Fun kinky play doesn’t need to involve pain at all. It can be an emotional journey, a sensual journey, and so much more. In other words, you don’t have to be a masochist: someone that takes pleasure from pain.

Remember, your imagination is the limit of what you can do using a kink framework: establishing a power dynamic, negotiation, etc.

To me, the primary point of kinky activities is how to nurture connection, both with the person(s) you’re playing with and with yourself. And the best way to kink is however best nurtures that connection, with lots of pain, a moderate amount, or no pain at all. And if you and a potential play partner can’t agree on this, you’re probably not a good match.

  1. BDSM doesn’t need to involve sex

When I got involved in the kink community, I had the opportunity to play with all sorts of people. Some of them I was sexually attracted to, but many I wasn’t. I learned quickly that this was okay. Not all kinky play needs to be sexual in nature and, in fact, we get to define what sexual means to us!

For me, play is often more “sensual,” than “sexual.” I feel more alive in my body when I play, but I don’t always feel aroused. And rarely do I involve my genitals in kinky scenes.

For some, kink is always foreplay, and that’s okay too. 

This is another way that you get to decide who you want to play with and how.

  1. Know your responses to trauma or trauma-inducing event

When you’re participating in BDSM, you’re often pushing physical and emotional limits in a way that can trigger past trauma or even create new trauma. Especially when you’re playing with new people or intentionally playing with actions you know you have trauma around, it’s super, super important to know how you respond to trauma and explain it to the person you’re playing with. (Note, tops can also have trauma responses — this isn’t just for bottoms).

Once, when I was bottoming for someone who ended up not being a very emotionally safe person, afterwards, I curled up in a ball on his bed. This, I found out, is one of my physical responses during a traumatic event.

On the other hand, the only time I’ve ever cried during a scene, I left wondering if I’d gone too far. I spoke to a mentor who asked me how I felt afterward. Exhilarated. Eager to have another scene with this person. 

She asked me how I’d felt when things had gone wrong before, and I thought back to that time when I curled up in a ball: anxious, depressed.

I now know what to look for when I’m heading into dangerous territory, and I can tell anyone I’m playing with what to look for, as well. 

It’s also really important to know whether you are able to verbally communicate when you’re triggered. If you tend to go non-verbal this is something you should tell your partners (and it’s something we should always be asking before a scene).

For more on trauma and play, check out:

  1. If someone isn’t interested in negotiating, they’re not safe

There are soooo many self-identified dominant individuals on dating websites who are looking for new people to play with. Many tout that they’re experienced, and when you’re eager to explore BDSM, it can feel very exciting to come across such a person.

But many of these people (usually cisgender men) aren’t safe to play with. They’re generally looking for inexperienced women who don’t know what to look out for. So how can you tell whether they’re worth getting to know? 

I tend to ask people to describe how they negotiate a scene. If they don’t have a good answer, then they’re not safe. 

Another thing to do is say no to simple things, such as whether we can exchange phone numbers or another request. If they ever, ever get pushy about anything, they’re not safe.

Approaching BDSM or Kink as a Feminist

I hope this guide gives you some starting ways to approach BDSM or kink as a feminist. For me, some of the keys are encouraging inclusivity, prioritizing enthusiastic consent, using BDSM or kink as a means of empowering myself and others, and challenging societal norms.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Male menopause

— Is it real? Should I care?

Hormone changes are a normal part of aging for both men and women. The terms “male menopause” and “manopause” have been used to describe decreasing testosterone levels associated with aging. The medical term for it is andropause. And it’s different than menopause.

A man’s hormone levels typically drop differently than a woman’s. For men, the decline is much more gradual. On average, a man’s testosterone levels decline about 1% a year, starting about age 40.

Dr. Alan Kelton, internal medicine specialist and faculty member with UCSF Fresno, says low testosterone is more common if you’re overweight.

“About one in three men that are overweight and in their 40s may have it,” says Dr. Kelton, “and certainly by the time men turn 70, about 30% will have measurably low testosterone levels.”

The typically gradual decline means many men never report any symptoms. But when they do, the most common symptoms are sexual:

  • Reduced sexual desire
  • Fewer morning erections
  • Erectile dysfunction

Other symptoms — including a general lack of energy, decreased joy for life and moodiness — are sometimes associated with low testosterone levels, but can have many other causes.

How can I tell if my levels are low?

Testosterone levels can be measured with a simple blood test. But unlike other lab work, your doctor isn’t likely to run this test unless you ask for it. If you’re having symptoms that might be related to low male hormones and if those symptoms trouble you, then speak up and ask your doctor for a test.

If the results indicate a deficiency, the test is often repeated to confirm the results. Confirmed low testosterone levels can lead directly to treatment, but often lead first to more tests to find the root cause.

What are the treatment options?

There’s basically one medical treatment for low testosterone levels — hormone replacement therapy — but there are several ways to deliver it. Injections, creams, tablets and patches can all be used to boost male hormone levels.

Dr. Kelton says it’s important to have realistic expectations about hormone replacement therapy and understand it won’t magically turn you into the muscular older men we see in the movies and on TV. “The truth is that most older men [who get hormone replacement therapy] will have an increase in sexual desire, with or without an increase in sexual functioning,” says Dr. Kelton. “You don’t get more strength, you don’t get more energy, but you do get an improvement in some of the sexual symptoms.”

There can be downsides to hormone replacement therapy too. Dr. Kelton warns, “Testosterone itself seems to contribute to plaque in the coronary arteries. You can get some increased cholesterol buildup or at least on a temporary basis. A man can also have an increase in their blood counts and sometimes at levels high enough to increase the risk of stroke. And if a man has sleep apnea, they’ll have more sleep apnea with testosterone replacement therapy.”

Lifestyle changes can also reverse many of the symptoms of low hormone levels. Dr. Kelton says, “If a man is not sleeping well, is not eating well, is overweight and not exercising, they’re going to have all of the symptoms of low male hormone. By reversing many of those things, testosterone levels can improve, and sometimes dramatically so.”

Focusing on better sleep, boosting nutrition and adding in more exercise can improve testosterone levels.

Is treatment really necessary?

Dr. Kelton says men should talk to their doctor and make an honest effort to make positive lifestyle changes before deciding on hormone replacement therapy. And in the end, he stresses that the numbers aren’t the most important thing. 

“Aging is a personal experience. For some men, it’s distressing to have a decrease in sexual functioning and sexual desire and they may report symptoms early on in life, even when their male hormone levels are completely normal. Other men see their decrease in sexual functioning and desire as just part of a normal part of aging and they’re not really bothered by it.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 Ways Non-Penetrative

‘Frottage’ Sex Can Supply You With All the Pleasure You Could Ever Want

By Gabrielle Kassel

The word frottage—which comes from the French word frott, which means “rub”—isn’t just fun to say; it’s fun to do, as well. Frottage “is a word used for the non-penetrative sex that happens when two or more bodies rub together,” says sex educator Searah Deysach, owner of pleasure-product company Early to Bed. “Clothes on or off, this is a fun way to explore sexuality without penetration for just about anyone.”

No matter your relationship structure, gender, or sexual orientation, practicing the sex act of frottage (which is basically a fancy way to say dry humping, grinding, outercourse, or even heavy petting) stands to offer benefits to your pleasure practice, no matter how intimate your practice gets. This makes it accessible to all people, along every point of their respective sexual journey.

Frottage involves rubbing erogenous zones together, which can have the effect of stimulating nerve-dense pleasure spots. “For someone with a clitoris, the sensations one gets from rubbing can be easily orgasmic,” says Deysach. To her point, research supports the notion that for the majority of vulva owners, clitoral stimulation during sex is either necessary for reaching orgasm period or increasing the quality of an orgasm in question. “For penis-havers, rubbing against another penis, vulva, or butt can feel super-fun even without penetration,” Deysach adds.

Frottage allows people who aren’t interested in penetrative intercourse or can’t have penetrative sex to still be sexually intimate.

Orgasm notwithstanding, frottage allows people who aren’t interested in penetrative intercourse or can’t have penetrative sex to still be sexually intimate. “For people who have health challenges that impede penetrative sexual function, like erectile difficulty, premature ejaculation, or vaginismus, frottage is still on the table,” says Goody Howard MSW, MPH, resident sex educator for vegan-friendly condom and lubricant company Royal.

Frottage can happen with clothes on or off, which is both a pleasure and safe-sex win. With clothing acting as a barrier, STI transmission is less likely (but practicing safe sex with recommended contraception and tools is also certainly recommended).

5 tips to get the most out of your frottage practice

1. Do it solo

As good as frottage can feel with a partner, it’s worth trying as part of your masturbation practice. Stuffed animals, pillows, sex pillows, couch corners, and chair arms can all be just as fun to hump as a human, according to Deysach. Simply position the aid at a pleasurable angle, and then get to frotting.

2. Be intentional with your underwear and outerwear

Wearing your thickest pair of pants may sound counterintuitive, but Howard says denim can actually take the sesh from zero to ohh! “Denim is a high-friction fabric that provides pleasurable friction to those who need it [to get off],” she says, adding that the seams, in particular, can provide a texture that feels so good. “Jean material warms up with consistent motion, which can heat up playtime in a fun way,” she says.

Alternatively, if you’re planning to frot pantsless, Deysach recommends opting for a slinky, soft underwear material, like silk, which can create a pleasurable gliding sensation. (Lace lingerie, while visually sexy, can actually become physically uncomfortable due to all that frotting friction, she warns.)

3. Use lube

“If you are experimenting with naked frottage with another person, try adding silicone lube to your genitals or your—and their—thighs for slippery humping fun,” says Deysach. Promescent Silicone Lube, Uberlube, and Sliquid Silver are all recommended options for this.

If, however, you’re planning to keep some or all of your garments on, substitute the silicone-based lube with a water-based one, like Sliquid Sassy, because silicone-based lube is much harder to get out of clothes.

4. Add in a sex toy

“There are vibrators and non-vibrating sex toys that can add fun to your frottage play,” says Deysach. “Ultimately, whichever you choose will vary based on your individual pleasure-preferences, though.” Some might opt for a butt plug, while others may prefer nipple clamps, or traditional vibrators, for instance.

“If you both have a vulva, another option is to nestle a wand-style vibe between your bodies and share in the vibration,” Deysach says. “There are also panty vibrators that clip right inside underwear so you can easily grind up against the toy while leaving your clothes on,” she says. For two examples, consider the We-Vibe Moxie and Screaming O Panty Vibe.

5. Switch up who’s on top

To reiterate: There is no right or wrong way to practice frottage in solo or partnered play. If, for example, your partner is generally on top, consider swapping, and vice versa.

Sexperimenting is the name of the game here.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to deal with post-lockdown intimacy anxiety and low libido

Post-pandemic Sex: Many of us are unsure how to navigate relationships in what feels like a new world

The basic tips still hold true including practicing safe sex by using condoms and birth control.

By Geraldine Walsh

Along with indoor dining and international travel, sex is due to make a comeback as the summer of love apparently, belatedly, unfolds around us. The forward-moving vaccination programme brings hope for a normal life.

Post-pandemic sex and relationships, however, appear to have undergone a significant shift, depending on the age group, but how our post-pandemic sexual behaviour will pan out is not all that easy to predict.

There is a disparity in how we have experienced intimate relationships over the past 18 months. There were those of us in committed relationships who witnessed a rising stress culminating in a low sex drive brought on by the upside-down world. Many entered the pandemic as singletons and are now exiting while still single having missed out on a couple of years of flirtations with the potential of cementing long term relationships.

We’re not expecting a sexual revolution as such, but the effect the opening of society will have on relationships means adjusting not only our expectations but our practices

The crisis cut short liaisons which were never given a chance and, after living in limbo for too long, dating is back on the cards filled with an added anxiety. And there are the teenagers who are now in their twenties and, well, are raring to go with the potential for casual sex to make a 1920s roaring return.

We’re not expecting a sexual revolution as such, but the effect the opening of society will have on relationships means adjusting not only our expectations but our practices. With both the physical and emotional effects of post-pandemic sex likely to come to the fore as we eventually drop statistics on intimacy, it’s safe to say the pandemic has not been conducive to a healthy fulfilling sex life for many of us, single or not. The issue for many now is how to navigate not only new relationships but those sticky sexual exploits in what feels like a new world.

What about physical first dates?

“People are emotionally fatigued with online dating, the chatting, texting, being ghosted and the emotional whirlwind that comes with romantic first encounters online with potential love interests,” says Orlagh Gahan, couples and relationship psychotherapist. “Not having the opportunity to physically date all through lockdown has left many singletons isolated. We are going to see a huge boom in traditional real live dating again with more and more people moving towards professional matchmaking services.”

Gahan is conscious of the overwhelming emotional burden caused by dating websites, particularly for those committed to finding real love. She suggests we be ourselves as much as possible on dates.

“Arrange morning and daytime dates around hobbies and interests you both enjoy,” says Gahan, “or new experiences which will bring out your natural persona rather than dates focused on alcohol and the pub culture. Keep first dates short, but long enough that you give each other time to come out of your shell and loosen up. Romance and chemistry can take time to develop, and first dates are pressurised situations so go with your gut and intuition.”

What about intimacy anxiety?

“The intensity of emotions, fatigue, anticipatory grief can obviously affect our sex drive and all types of romantic intimacy,” says Gahan. “Many of us are in a state of recuperation meaning it will take time to readjust. A sex positive approach promotes proactively addressing blocks associated with body image, sex, intimacy and sexual health, fears and anxieties around sex while also learning more about the subject. When we feel good and positive about ourselves we are naturally more open to connection and in turn romantic intimacy.”

A pandemic addition to our intimate connections and potential intimacy anxiety is disease anxiety. There are those of us who are innately concentrated on how Covid-19 can find its way into the bedroom with lab tests showing SARS-COV-2 has been found in saliva, faecal matter, and semen. The anxiety can be so overwhelming that some are holding off until the pandemic is over to get frisky, which at this stage is a guess at best. Instead of waiting, ground rules can help alleviate the anxiety.

The awkward conversation in an early relationship doesn’t always make for great foreplay but the longer we keep our opinions silent, the harder it may be approach them. Gahan suggests we don’t be afraid to have real in-depth conversations about sex at the beginning of a relationship as “couples can benefit from talking about sexual intimacy, consent, values, sexual health and attitudes about sex and relationships.”

What about low libido?

Low libido is a common occurrence with the overreaching anxiety brought about by the pandemic. But the truth is there are many different factors which affect libido and the desire for intimacy including relationship health.

“We need to move beyond the overly simple and disempowering concept that libido is either high or low,” says Gahan, “and cultivate a mindset more focused around sexual health and healthy sexual attitudes, understanding and practicing what it means and feels like to be a sexually healthy human being with the understanding that libido fluctuates.

“I would encourage people, particularly women, to educate themselves about the different aspects of sexual intimacy, sexual health, and also the very curious and intriguing arousal process. Get to know your own body and build on body confidence, learn about romantic intimacy, and find safe empowering ways to talk openly and honestly about how you feel about sexual intimacy.

To improve your libido, get sex positive, talk about feelings, fears, and needs around sex, understand intimacy at a deeper level, feel good about your body again, get out and exercise and feel fun and joy in simple things, love and look after your body and you will feel more comfortable bonding with your partner.”

What about practising safe sex?

The rules of safe sex have not changed because of a pandemic. They may have shifted however as we are more conscious of who we hook up with considering the risk of Covid-19 transmission in unvaccinated people remains relatively high. It is as vital as ever to take precautions when starting a sexual relationship to protect yourself from STIs, HIV and unplanned pregnancy. See sexualwellbeing.ie for more info.

Talk:
Have the conversation. Talk to your partner about whether or not they have tested positive for STI’s. Discuss safe sex practices and sexual history. Have a chat about consent, and help each other understand your comfort-levels, boundaries, and your likes in the bedroom.

Test:
Get tested if you have any symptoms of sexually transmitted infections. Contact your local STI clinic or GP. In today’s world, add in a Covid-19 test if you have any coronavirus symptoms such as cough, shortness of breath, fever, or changes to your sense of smell or taste. and self-isolate from your partner if possible.

Act:
Practice safe sex by using condoms and birth control. Avoid alcohol or drugs which can inhibit our awareness and result in high-risk sex. Keep an eye on your body and that of your partners for any changes such as a rash, sore, blister, or discharge which may indicate an infection.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 sexual health myths busted

Wherever you find a taboo topic, misinformation, misconceptions, and myths are sure to follow—and that’s especially the case when it comes to sex.

By Alistair Gardiner

When it comes to sex, myths abound. Which ones have you fallen for?

With so many fallacies in circulation, it’s not surprising that many people hold false beliefs. Here are six myths about libido, genitalia, sexual dysfunction, and more, along with evidence from health experts to separate the facts from fiction.

Myth #1: STIs always cause symptoms

Sexually transmitted infections (STIs)—also called sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)—can present with various symptoms depending on which bacteria, viruses, or parasites are causing them. Spread from person to person through bodily fluids like blood, semen, and vaginal discharge, symptoms can include sores or bumps, painful urination, unusual discharge from the genitals, pain during sex, rashes, abnormal bleeding, among others.

However, according to the Mayo Clinic, symptoms of an STI may take years to appear—and in some instances, may not materialize at all. That’s the case with chlamydia.

“In fact, many people have absolutely no symptoms, for example, with chlamydia,” said OB-GYN Alyssa Dweck, MD, in an interview with The Zoe Report. “This is why we test all [people with vaginas] routinely during an annual exam so treatment can be offered even for those with no symptoms.” Testing is especially important for those engaging in sexual activity or having sex with a new partner.

According to CDC data, one in five people in the United States has an STD. Click here to learn more about this epidemic, at MDLinx.

Myth #2: Women have a lower sex drive than men

Popular culture and societal norms often leave us with the impression that all men are sex-obsessed and will jump at any opportunity for coitus, while women are more reserved and far less interested in sex. This is a sexist myth, according to sex researcher Justin R. Garcia, PhD, executive director of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University.

In an interview with Insider, Garcia cited research that found libido is experienced at similar levels among people regardless of their gender when it comes to arousal, motivation, and frequency of sexual desire. Gender norms and inaccurate methods used in research are to blame for common (and false) assumptions about gender differences and libido.

While women’s sex drive can be influenced by factors like pregnancy, breastfeeding, and menopause, none of this means that women inherently have a lower sex drive than men. Other factors that affect sex drive are non-gender specific, including age, levels of physical activity, stress and mental health, diet, quality and quantity of sleep, weight, illness, and others. Libido can also depend on setting stimuli and the person or people you’re with.

Myth #3: Douching is a good way to clean your vagina

This is an old myth—and, in fact, douching may cause the opposite of the intended effect.

Vaginas are “self-cleaning,” according to the Mayo Clinic, and do not require any cleaning outside of normal bathing. In fact, douching can throw off the natural balance of your vagina and increase your risk of infections like bacterial vaginosis, a type of vaginal inflammation resulting from an overgrowth of anaerobic bacteria which are naturally present in the vagina.

In the aforementioned interview with The Zoe Report, Dr. Dweck said that douching typically does more harm than good, adding that “there’s no benefit in putting anything in there for the purpose of cleaning it.”

Myth #4: Too much sex will stretch out your vagina

According to Dr. Dweck, the idea that frequent sex or even childbirth will cause your vagina to permanently stretch out is inaccurate. While giving birth will result in changes to your vagina, this part of your body has a lot of elasticity and it will return to its original state after a period of recovery. “The vagina is an incredible structure and is quite forgiving after childbirth and sex,” said Dr. Dweck.

While you may lose some tone in your pelvic floor muscles after giving birth, this isn’t necessarily permanent either. Pelvic floor physical therapy will help strengthen both these and the levator ani muscles, according to OB-GYN Jenn Conti, MD. All of that said, aging and hormonal changes can eventually influence the elasticity and tone of the vagina.

“These muscles often take a hit with pregnancy and giving birth, and benefit from pelvic floor physical therapy work,” said Dr. Conti. “But the idea that the vagina actually stretches out is false.”

Myth #5: Sexual dysfunction is just a hormonal problem

Sexual dysfunction affects an estimated 43% of women and 31% of men, according to the Cleveland Clinic, with symptoms like difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection and absent or delayed ejaculation in men, and inadequate vaginal lubrication and an inability to achieve orgasm in women. While a common assumption is that these conditions are exclusively caused by an imbalance of hormones like testosterone and estrogen, sexual dysfunction can also be the result of a wide range of physical and medical conditions.

These include diabetes, heart disease, various neurological disorders, and alcohol and drug abuse or misuse. Sexual dysfunction can also be the result of stress, anxiety, relationship problems, past trauma, and concerns over body image or sexual performance. Numerous medications can cause sexual dysfunction as a side effect, including antidepressants, blood pressure medications, diuretics, and some over-the-counter antihistamines and decongestants. And then there’s the question of ubiquitous sex supplements on the market, which lack monitoring.

Interestingly, marijuana appears to play a role in sexual function, with the cannabinoid receptor mapped to several brain areas involved in sexual function, according to studies

Myth #6: Condoms are fool-proof

While using condoms is one of the best ways to prevent STIs and pregnancy, they are not 100% effective or even 99% effective. According to the CDC, the male condom has a failure rate of roughly 13%, while female condoms have a failure rate of 21%.

Hormone-based female contraceptives have a far higher success rate in preventing pregnancy, but they provide no protection from STIs. Combined oral contraceptives (also known as “the pill”), which contain estrogen and progestin, have a typical failure rate of 7%. Similarly, the birth control patch and the vaginal contraceptive ring (both of which release the hormones progestin and estrogen), have a failure rate of just 7%.

Contraceptive methods that are the most effective at preventing pregnancy include intrauterine devices (known as “the coil”), which have a failure rate of between 0.1%-0.8%, and the implant, which has a typical failure rate of 0.1%. Again, these methods will not prevent you from contracting an STI.

On the other hand, all of the methods above are more effective at preventing pregnancy than “fertility awareness-based methods,” which involve tracking the days of your menstrual cycle during which you are least likely to get pregnant. According to the CDC, these methods have a typical failure rate of up to 23%.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Minipuberty?

And Why Is It Important For Reproductive Health

By Olivia Giacomo

According to environmental and reproductive epidemiologist Shanna Swan, Ph.D., we would do well to maintain ongoing conversations about fertility. That’s because, as it turns out, even experiences you have growing up can affect your reproductive health later on.

Specifically, your body goes through a few developmental periods that can have downstream effects as you age: “Sensitive periods are important—those are the periods when the body is rapidly dividing or growing,” she says on the mindbodygreen podcast. “Obviously prenatal is very important, and then soon after birth [there’s what’s called] the minipuberty.” Wait, what?

Here, Swan breaks down this developmental stage and why it’s so important for reproductive health.

According to Swan, reproductive health really does start that young: She explains that the minipuberty “is thought to be very important for hormonal and reproductive development.”

We did some more digging: Apparently, minipuberty occurs between birth and 6 months of age for boys and 2 years of age for girls, and it marks the development of various characteristics including the genital organs and fertility, body composition and growth, cognitive abilities related to speech, and potentially behavior—like perhaps emotional regulation in males.

A little sex ed. for you: Adolescent puberty happens when the hypothalamic-pituitary-gonadal (or HPG) axis becomes activated, which causes an increase in sex steroid hormones (which causes changes in body shape, an increase in body hair, et al.).

However, this activation actually occurs twice before that: once in utero and once in the first months of life. These first two activations do not bring about an increase in sex hormones, so they’re categorized more generally as “endocrine puberties.” They’re just as important for reproductive health, but you don’t necessarily see any changes to the body.

This minipuberty stage is important because it may allow for the early observance of and medical intervention in reproductive or sexual development disorders, if needed. As one study recounts, it forms a “platform for future fertility,” as it essentially sets the groundwork for your sex organs to mature and functions as a “window of opportunity” to evaluate the HPG axis—since that “window” is closed until you start puberty once again around 10 years later. More research is needed on the specific ways minipuberty affects future fertility, but it sure is a neat concept, no?

What should you do about it?

As of now, specific exposures and interventions that affect minipuberty is unknown. “I personally have not studied the effect of childhood exposures [to chemicals], and few people have studied the effect of childhood exposures on child health,” notes Swan. But if she had to give marching orders, she would recommend teaching the young child good habits for reproductive health early on. “Eat healthy foods, avoid [phthalates], put their shoes at the door, and so on and so forth,” she says. By doing so, “You’re teaching them to protect their overall health and hopefully their reproductive health as well.”

Aside from the riveting science lesson, Swan’s mention of minipuberty is an important reminder that reproductive health isn’t only relevant if you’re thinking about having a baby. In fact, some fertility markers are relevant to health and longevity as a whole.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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18 Types of Sexuality To Know for Greater Understanding About Yourself and Others

By Korin Miller

There are a number of different types of sexuality, and by learning about each, you can cultivate a better understanding about yourself and others. And since language is always evolving, staying abreast of the different types of sexuality is important for both creating an authentic relationship with yourself and being an inclusive ally for all people. “The constantly evolving lexicon provides more options that can help people explore themselves,” says Corey Flanders, PhD, sexual-health disparities researcher and associate professor of psychology and education at Mount Holyoke College. “The range of sexuality terms available means that more people will find something that resonates with their experience.”

Words matter, and when those words connect to nuanced forms of identity, they matter even more. Such is the case for why it’s so important for all people to understand the different types of sexuality. To contextualize it differently, consider Dr. Flanders’ following example about ice cream: “I had a teacher once who described it in terms of ice cream flavors,” she says. “What if your favorite ice cream flavor was kale, but you never knew that about yourself because it was never an option? And then one day, maybe you come across kale ice cream and love it, and now understand yourself as a person whose favorite ice cream is kale-flavored.”

“Sexuality is full of diversity, and awareness of different types helps build acceptance and understanding of these differences.” —Shannon Chavez, PsyD, sexologist

The implications of understanding the different types of sexuality are, of course, further reaching and more important than ice cream flavors. “Sexuality is full of diversity, and awareness of different types helps build acceptance and understanding of these differences,” says Shannon Chavez, PsyD, resident sex therapist with K-Y. “It breaks down stereotypes, judgments, and myths about different sexual populations. Sexuality is a central part of your identity and who you are, and learning more about your own sexuality as well as others’ can be an empowering and positive experience.”

To be sure, understanding your own sexuality can be beneficial for myriad reasons. It “can help you connect to other folks who share a similar experience, which we know is important for supporting the health and well-being of queer people,” Dr. Flanders says. “For me personally, I grew up in a time and a place where bisexuality and queerness weren’t options that were known to me. Once I met people who used those terms to describe themselves, it provided a framework for me to understand myself and my sexuality in a way that enabled me to communicate it to myself and others.”

And in fact, learning about the types of sexuality—even if you feel you already have a strong understanding of your own identity—can help destigmatize and remove shame surrounding the space for others. “I do believe we are going through a new sexual revolution where people are more open with their unique identities, bringing awareness to pronouns and gender identities, and freedom to express who you are sexually without fear and shame,” Dr. Chavez says.

While, again, the types of sexuality are constantly evolving and growing, below, you can find a breakdown of many up-to-date terms and their meaning, according to the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) and the University of Connecticut’s Rainbow Center:

18 types of sexuality to know about for a deeper understanding of yourself and others

1. Allosexual

This is a person who experiences sexual attraction.

2. Aromantic

An aromantic is one of many romantic orientations that describes someone who experiences little or no romantic attraction to another person.

3. Androsexual

An androsexual is sexually attracted to men or masculinity.

4. Asexual

People who are asexual have a lack of attraction to other people.

5. Bicurious

A person who is bicurious is interested in or curious about having sex with someone whose sex or gender is different from their usual sexual partners.

6. Bisexual

A bisexual is someone who is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to more than one sex, gender, or gender identity. This is a term that is sometimes used interchangeably with “pansexual,” which more specifically describes someone who is attracted to people without regard to their gender identity.

7. Demiromantic

This is a person who has little or no ability to feel romantically attracted to someone until they form a strong sexual or emotional connection with a person.

8. Demisexual

A demisexual does not experience sexual attraction until they have a strong romantic connection with someone.

9. Gay

A person who is gay is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to people of the same gender identity. This term is often used by men, women, and non-binary people.

10. Heteroflexible

People who are heteroflexible often identify as heterosexual but may experience situational attraction that falls outside of that.

11. Heterosexual

This term describes people who identify as men who are attracted to people who identify as women, and vice versa.

12. Lesbian

A lesbian is someone who identifies a woman or as non-binary who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to other women. The term is used by women and non-binary people.

13. LGBTQ

This acronym is used for “lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer.”

14. Pansexual

A pansexual is a person who has the potential for emotional, romantic or sexual attraction to people of any gender identity or sexual orientation.

15. Queer

This term describes a spectrum of sexual identities other than exclusively heterosexual.

16. Questioning

People who consider themselves questioning are currently exploring their sexual orientation.

17. Same-gender loving

This is a term that’s used by some people instead of “lesbian,” “gay,” or “bisexual” to explain their attraction to someone of the same gender identity.

18. Skoliosexual

A person who is skoliosexual is attracted to people who are non-binary.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why do men search for gym buddies on Grindr? An investigation

Grindr has both defined itself by and come to define the language of queer men. One of the most recent trends to be seen across people’s profiles is the rise of the hunt for ‘gym buddies’.

By Louis Staples

Downloading Grindr – then deleting it, before re-downloading it, only to delete it again – has become a modern rite of passage for queer men. The hook-up app revolutionised dating and sex when it arrived in 2009, inspiring the likes of Tinder and the digitised, swipe-heavy dating world of today. Grindr changed gay culture forever too: it created a visual map that proved that gay and bi men are literally everywhere (sometimes just feet away!). The app quickly became the most popular gay app in the world and, by 2014, it had seven million users worldwide. It’s been referenced in many TV shows and films too, from Glee to How to Get Away With Murder, The Real Housewives and, perhaps most fittingly, Trainwreck.

So many discussions about gay culture end up circling back to Grindr, from body image to sexual racism, “chemsex” and bottom-shaming. On the app, users often behave differently to how they would in “real life” and gay Twitter is often flooded with screengrabs of men behaving badly, brutally and straight-up bizarrely. There’s a whole glossary of emoji-driven codes and even visual “tribes” – such as “otters”, “daddies”, “clean cut” and “twinks” – which would take a very long time to explain to most straight people.

One trend that I’ve noticed – and have long been intrigued by – is men looking for a “gym buddy” on Grindr. On user profiles, it’s very common to see the desire for a “gym bud” listed alongside someone’s favourite drink (usually gin), height, body type and preferred sexual position. But why?

On the face of things, a gym buddy is just a friend to go to the gym with. Some people do use Grindr for platonic connections, particularly if they’ve just moved somewhere new, but it’s nevertheless an intriguing place to look for a gym companion. Michael, a 24-year-old gay man who enjoys group exercise classes and going to the gym with friends, thinks this trend makes sense. “Personally, I used to find the gym an incredibly difficult place to be. It was like hyper-masculinity on speed, with this immense pressure to be fit, strong and ultimately to know what you’re doing,” he tells GQ. “I think working out with somebody can break that intimidation because it’s a) somebody to back up what you’re doing and b) potentially somebody to guide or coach you. It’s safety in numbers in what can be a scary place.”

Personally, the idea of being sweaty and exhausted around someone I don’t know very well fills me with dread (particularly if he’s also a gay man which, no, I won’t be unpacking at this time!). But that’s not Michael’s experience. “In the age of athleisure and boutique gyms, the gym doesn’t have to be a gross and sweaty place,” he says. “People look good at the gym. Plus, they can suck each other off in the steam room or have sex in the shower.”

After speaking with Grindr users in London, I can confirm that Michael is right in suspecting that sometimes the search for gym buddies goes beyond a platonic friendship. There’s obviously a reason why men are using Grindr, specifically, in this way (there are already apps for finding a gym buddy, such as GymBuddy and SportPartner). Some guys, such as 26-year-old James*, were genuinely using Grindr to look for a pal to exercise with, because “Straight men might think I’m hitting on them or not be comfortable working out with me. Or, even if they aren’t thinking that, the feeling that they might be would make me feel awkward.” But others, such as 28-year-old Callum*, were hoping for “something more” if the attraction was there, because “You have more time to work out whether a guy is hot at the gym than in nudes he’s probably edited, or just before a hook-up, and it’s less pressure than meeting somewhere else.”

It’s hardly surprising that the gym might seem like a particularly fruitful backdrop for sex – after all, they are spaces full of sweaty men in not much clothing. On gay Twitter, it seems like everyone has a “gym crush” and there’s also an entire genre of porn that fetishises gyms and the locker room. In 2019, Vice UK investigated why so many gay men still go cruising at the gym, after a Virgin Active health club emailed its members saying it would be sending in undercover police to check for “inappropriate behaviour”. Many garments that have become part of the sartorial language of gay men, from jockstraps to tube socks and short shorts, are also rooted in sportswear. For some, there is clearly a feeling of empowerment in being legibly gay in a hyper-masculine space or reclaiming an aesthetic or pastime that they once felt excluded from.

Gyms are horny, but also quite anxious, places for some gay men. “So many of my clients are uncomfortable in gyms,” says Matt Boyles, founder of Fitter Confident You, a fitness company that helps gay, bi and trans guys get into exercise. When it comes to the link between “gym buddies” and sex, Boyles thinks it’s twofold: “The gym is how you can build your body and thus appear more ‘manly’. Speaking from personal experience, I used to think that would make me seem more ‘straight’.” Boyles also suspects that gyms can be a “stepping stone” for some gay men, because many have saunas and steam rooms, which can be a build up to visiting gay saunas. “This might appeal to men who are sexually attracted to men, but don’t want to seem overly ‘gay’ in any other way,” he says.

But why would men go to the trouble of auditioning a “gym bud” rather than simply going on a date or straight to sex? “Grindr is known for having users who don’t necessarily identify as gay or bi, so they’ve maybe experimented, or may identify as straight, but still want to have sex with men,” gay fitness writer Spenser Mestel tells GQ. “I think that looking for a ‘gym buddy’ is perhaps a way for them to engage with gay men, even though they aren’t able to express what their sexual desires are. If they’re not comfortable asking for the kind of sex that they actually want, this is a stand-in for that.”

Mestel is right that, on Grindr, a lot of the profiles looking for a “gym buddy” identify themselves as “straight”. Many don’t have photos on their profiles and some are in relationships with women. One man, who didn’t share his name, told me that he wouldn’t want to be seen on a date with a man as he’s not out. He also can’t host men at his house, because he’s married to a woman and doesn’t like sending pictures of his face on Grindr. So the gym is a risk-free place to meet men who might not otherwise agree to meet him. Another user, who specifically labelled himself as “Str8” and a “top” (the penetrative role in gay sex), tells me that he’s only into “masculine” men sexually but has no interest in any chat. “I always need to cum most after a workout, so the gym showers are the easiest place and gay men are more into NSA [no strings attached] sex than women,” he says.

It might sound perplexing to hear about men on Grindr identifying as straight, but it’s not uncommon for a distinction and hierarchy to be drawn between sexual activity and romantic relationships (this can be seen as far back as Ancient Greece). Some people also perceive a difference between a physical behaviour, such as sex with men, and the formation of a “gay identity.” Plus, even in the UK in 2021, not everyone has the ability to be open about their sexuality.

Social psychology might also tell us why men, particularly those who consider themselves masculine or straight, might highlight the gym as important to them on an app. Social psychologist Russell Spears theorises that when we go online in a more anonymous or semi-anonymous environment, where there’s less information about people, we rely more on social norms (such as, for men to be sporty and strong). Spears calls this tendency the “de-individualisation hypothesis”, which might be a reason why “straight” men on Grindr emphasise their commitment to exercise.

The gym and Grindr are both places where men might feel competitive with each other or insecure about their masculinity. Mestel thinks this affects gay men in particular. “I think already at the gym, for gay men, there’s a sense of ‘Am I attracted to this person? Or am I just jealous of them?’,” he says. “Our workout routines are very personal to us and intimate, which makes me think having a ‘gym buddy’ is less about working out and more about connecting in a masculine, sanctioned way.” Boyles thinks that it could also be about lessening the pressure of rejection. “If you just say, ‘Shall we go to the gym together?’ and get rejected, it’s less damaging to your self-esteem,” he says. “And it also allows men to justify their reason for being on a gay hook-up app: ‘I’m on Grindr, but I mainly use it for gym buddies!’”

These types of negotiations remind me of something PhD student Robin Craig observed while discussing why men might make an effort to appear more masculine over text. Speaking to GQ in April, he drew a parallel between how men talk on Grindr and the barbershop, as a nearly male-only space where men are seeking physical intimacy,” he said, remarking on how both spaces see an increase in men saying “man”, “dude”, “bro” and “mate”. “The use of male slang reinforces the speaker’s masculinity in a space where it’s placed in jeopardy, such as a gay male cruising app,” he added. Surely, then, the same parallel can also be drawn between the digital space of Grindr and the physical space of the gym?

At first, the search for gym buddies on Grindr might seem like a bizarre trend that isn’t noteworthy. But actually, it intersects with some big questions about how men (from gay to “straight”) feel like they’re supposed to behave in different spaces. The gym and Grindr actually have a lot in common: they’re both places where there’s an emphasis on self-improvement, where there’s a perception of competition, where masculinity is being flaunted, questioned and, crucially, where sex might be on the cards. So, really, how could men not be looking for “gym buddies” on Grindr? They’re natural bedfellows – pun intended.

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5 changes to expect in your sex life post-undergrad

By Victoria Syphoe

Whether you were in a college relationship, or single and loving it in undergrad, one thing rings true, sex and relationships after college are wildly different. As your whole life shifts into the “real” world, so do your sex life and priorities in your sex life. 

1. You’ve developed a bad sex radar.

Though college relations are oftentimes easy to instigate with countless horny adolescents at your disposal, this doesn’t always mean it’s good sex. Nonetheless, experience is the best teacher. You can better acknowledge what you like and don’t like, and more importantly, recognize the good from the bad. 

2. Masturbation can be your best friend.

Leaving college and starting your adult life can be a bit of a dry spell as your life shifts. Settling into a new job, paying bills, and ‘adulting’ can take your focus off of the ongoing search for a hookup. Don’t get frustrated, self-love is the best love in more ways than one. Knowing how to please yourself will get you very far and can increase your confidence in the bedroom. It can also make it easier to communicate to your partner how to properly please you and avoid awkward fumbling around.

3. There are enough partners to go around.

College relations can cause drama with there being a somewhat limited dating pool. Everyone goes to the same parties, meets the same people, and odds are if you think he’s cute, your friend may too. Luckily, this is less of a concern after college as you are exposed to countless new people in your adult life.

4. Yes, foreplay IS a thing!

Whether rushing to get it in between classes or just dealing with an inexperienced or careless partner, young women everywhere complain about men skipping the foreplay. With age and experience, men realize that foreplay is beneficial for the woman and them too in the long run. Everybody wins. 

5. Finally, no more falling off that twin bed.

As you get further into those 20-somethings you’ll find yourself happy to not have to sneak out of dorms or squeeze onto those uncomfortable twin beds. Enjoy being able to freely roll around in the sheets of beds made for two.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Sex Educators Helping Muslim Women Claim Their Sexuality

By Hafsa Lodi

‘Orgasm’ and ‘Islam‘ are two words you don’t typically see together. I never thought I’d use them in the same sentence and certainly never imagined I’d have the guts to write publicly about sex. It just isn’t something you talk about as a Muslim, especially if you’re female.

And so I can’t help but do a double take when I see the O word used colloquially by female Muslim personalities on social media. A post on @villageauntie’s Instagram states: “My orgasm is not optional.” “Orgasm is one part of a spectrum of sexual pleasure that Allah has created our bodies to experience,” reads a caption by @sexualhealthformuslims. Both platforms are treasure troves of advice, insight and tips tailored for Muslims – invitations to not-so-secret social media networks that work to remove stigma and democratise faith-based discussions about sex.

An Instagram poll of 615 Muslims revealed that growing up, only 9% had any sort of sex ed from a religious framework. Yemeni-British musician Noha Al-Maghafi, known as Intibint, recalls living in Yemen and being instructed to rip out the pages on reproduction from her science book in Year 6. In Year 9, her biology teacher gave her girls’ class a covert lesson on sex ahead of some students’ impending weddings. For other Muslim women, sex ed may amount to a whisper from their mother ahead of their wedding night, reminding them to shower afterwards to purify themselves. What happens in between is often pieced together from gossip, magazines, movies and television shows.

Intentions to shelter young Muslims from education about sex might be well-meaning – an extension of protecting their chastity and overall naivety – but there are far-reaching consequences to promoting this sort of ignorance. Lack of awareness and education about sex can lead to a fear of intimacy, unbalanced sexual roles, unenjoyable sex and, in extreme cases, marital rape. Thankfully, there is a movement brewing to demystify sexual education for Muslims, driven largely by women on social media who are speaking openly about sex. Discussing topics like consent, fertility, ejaculation and orgasms, their guidance is imbued with religious language and emphasises the equality of genders in sexual intimacy.

Sameera Qureshi of @sexualhealthformuslims is an occupational therapist and sexual health educator whose teachings are grounded in Islamic spirituality. A decade ago she was helping Muslim immigrants to acclimatise to Canadian society. Upon realising that sexual health wasn’t being addressed in Islamic schools, she helped to develop and facilitate an “Islamically oriented curriculum” for sexual health. “I just thought, How can we not bring Islam into this, it’s a part of our life,” she explains. Fast-forward to 2021 and Qureshi now offers consultation services, teaches courses and provides free, informative content through her platform. “There are just too many restrictions for Muslims to get this information, and what better way to do it [than] through social media and online courses? Nothing like this exists in terms of there being a journey in sex ed for Muslims – everything is very scattered and piecemeal,” she says.

Angelica Lindsey-Ali (known by her social media moniker, Village Auntie) is an intimacy and relationships expert in America who began discussing sex with groups of Muslim women while living in Saudi Arabia and now offers courses through her Village Auntie Institute. “My work lies at the intersection of the sacred and the sacral – so I like to talk about spirituality while using sex as a framework to have those discussions,” she explains. “Everything I do is focused on women. I’m not really interested in male perspectives just because I think that we’ve been overwrought with male perceptions about sexuality and the female body.”

Orthodox Muslim positions on sex have been interpreted and passed down primarily by men, so seeing Muslim spokeswomen striving to change the narratives around sex in Muslim communities is quite revolutionary. However it isn’t only women who are lifting the veil on sexual awareness and empowerment. Habeeb Akande is a UK-based Muslim historian, sex educator and author of seven books, including A Taste of Honey: Sexuality and Erotology in Islam. To celebrate International Female Orgasm Day on 8th August, he hosted a webinar for men to learn about female pleasure. “I’m passionate about female sensuality and aim to close the gender orgasm gap,” he says. “I believe every man should know how to help a woman climax until she is truly satisfied, and that every woman should understand her body and feel entitled to pleasure from her man.”

Exuding charisma and approachability, these educators are in stark contrast to the often fear-based ‘religious’ sexual discourse, rife with foreboding words like ‘impure’ and ‘haram’ (forbidden), which can perpetuate a cycle of shame. The little information that does seep through the cracks of censorship is often patriarchal, emphasising men’s active role and women’s passivity. “A lot of Muslim scholars incorrectly understand sexual response,” says Qureshi. “They often talk about males having ‘really strong, sexual drives’ and unfortunately this gets relegated to mean that men have no control over their sexual desire, that when they’re aroused, they need sex and that it’s the role of the woman to satisfy that in marriage – not vice versa. This creates an environment that’s very inequitable for sexual pleasure in marriage.”

Conversely, many Muslims emphasise the egalitarianism of the Quran’s message, which refers to spouses as ‘garments’ for one another. Akande points out that in several of his sermons, the Prophet Muhammad urged men to treat women well, which includes being affectionate and providing financial support, sexual fulfilment and emotional security. “Sadly, many women have been raised to believe their body belongs to their father or husband,” he says. “Some even incorrectly believe that Islam permits a man to force himself on his wife and that ‘good women’ do not initiate intimacy with their husbands.” The misconception that sex is just for men needs to be dispelled, believes Akande; in Islam, women have just as much right as men to sexual pleasure. “It is also important to debunk myths regarding male sexual entitlement as some Muslims erroneously believe consent does not exist in marriage,” he adds, explaining that these attitudes stem from cultural understandings and are not aligned with Islamic values. “Oftentimes people conflate Islam with culture, and Islamic teachings with Muslim practices.”

When Akande travelled to Egypt to study Arabic and Islamic law at Cairo’s Al Azhar University, he came across numerous ‘sex manuals’ written by male Islamic scholars – findings that he believes would surprise many Muslims today. “Erotic texts such as Encyclopaedia of Pleasure by Jawami’ Al-Ladhdha and The Perfumed Garden by Al-Rawd Al-Atir emphasised the sexual needs of women and female romantic fulfilment for a pleasurable marital relationship,” he explains, adding that “sexually empowered women have long existed in Islam but their stories are often untold.”

Lifting the lid on this suppression of perspectives is the groundbreaking work of these Muslim ‘sexperts’ and social media has been instrumental in spreading their messages. “It has been one of my best tools for community generation because I can reach those women who live in places where I may never actually get a chance to visit,” says Lindsey-Ali. Muslims can turn to these educators with questions that they feel unable to ask their parents, teachers or spouses and will be met with refreshing responses presented in relatable Instagram posts – from Qureshi’s “Debunking myths about the hymen” and “Muslims and masturbation: a ‘touchy’ subject” to Lindsey-Ali’s “How to improve your stroke game” and “Tips for husbands maximising the possibility of female ejaculation”.

Because these educators’ approaches are rooted in religious beliefs, their teachings are intended for sex within marriage. Akande, however, offers advice for non-married Muslims struggling with desire and lists questions for them to ask potential spouses about sexual compatibility. Qureshi, meanwhile, plans on launching a pre-marital workshop about intimacy later this summer. She also believes that unmarried Muslims can benefit from following her platform. “I’m well aware that there are Muslims engaging in sex before marriage and they’re not doing so with best practices,” she says, adding that she follows a “harm reduction-based” approach which aims to minimise the health and social impacts of a practice without necessarily requiring one to abstain from it. “I’m not here to tell you what to believe, I’m someone who wants to expand the conversation and bring forward perspectives that we haven’t been exposed to, because Allah gave us intellect and we’re ultimately responsible for our decisions,” says Qureshi.

Using their public platforms to discuss topics traditionally relegated to the private sphere has brought some backlash from more conservative critics. Lindsey-Ali has a handful of messages from “creeps” in her inbox and has been told that she will “go to Hell” and Akande has been told that his work is “very inappropriate”. Nonetheless, the increasing number of clients, subscribers, readers and followers is testament to the high demand for their services, and these experts hope this is the beginning of a collective revival of candour when it comes to Muslims and sex. Female sex educator Dr Shaakira Abdullah, who goes by @thehalalsexpert on Instagram, is targeting future generations of Muslims and offers ‘halal sex talks’ courses for parents seeking to discuss sex openly with their children while “keeping them connected to God”.

“Sexually empowered women have long existed in Islam but their stories are often untold. — Habeeb Akande”

From a truly religious standpoint, the work of these educators is hardly radical or rebellious – they are calling for Muslims to return to the foundations of the faith and distinguish religious ethics and values from the patriarchal cultures which have clouded them. Qureshi points out that Islam, as a religion, has been colonised over the past couple of hundred years and that many Muslims have reacted with very purist interpretations. “Going back to our tradition, if we learn about the nature of what it means to be a Muslim and we really expand that to an internal journey, I think the remedy is there,” she says. “Sexual education to some folks seems really minute but if you look at our scripture, it’s a huge topic with so much sacredness.”

The sacredness of womanhood remains a focal point for Lindsey-Ali, who believes that a profound confidence in their faith is driving Muslim women’s spiritual reawakening to their rights in the bedroom. “I think women are going back and looking at the Quran and Islamic texts and saying, ‘Does it really say that?’ and trying to unearth the true teachings of Islam,” she says. In the process they’re learning some valuable lessons, like “My pleasure is just as important as his”.

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