The Future of Sex Ed Is the Internet

Many schools have given up on crafting inclusive and informative sex education. These websites and activists are filling in the gaps.

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Compared to a few decades ago, young people have surprisingly less access to high-quality, informative sex education. Typically, human sexuality programs have been the responsibility of middle or high schools, but like many things, sex is political, and sex education has been prey to the influences of religious dicta, fundamentalist morals, and a family values agenda. As a result, STIs have been at an all-time high for each of the past six years, including among older adults, who are often ignored because people presume they are sexually inactive (they’re not). But thanks to the internet, sex education is enjoying a comeback, and it’s not just for teenagers or young kids, but seniors as well.

Although the majority of Americans support sex education, schools have been remiss in providing comprehensive, evidence-based curricula. Florida’s recently enacted “Don’t Say Gay” law denies students in earlier grades the chance to learn about gender identity and sexual orientation. And comprehensive sex education curricula have been under attack for prematurely sexualizing children, what’s called “grooming”—an unsubstantiated claim that sex ed “grooms” youths to be sexual victims.

Furthermore, a recent report from the Guttmacher Institute, a nonprofit that advocates for sexual health and reproductive rights, indicates that only 25 states require both sex education and HIV education, or instruction that is age appropriate. And just 17 states mandate the course content be medically accurate, which could have particular consequences for those whose sexual orientation and gender identity don’t adhere to heteronormative definitions. Nationally, at least 30 pieces of legislation aim to exclude LGBTQ+ representation. According to Guttmacher, “just say no” and abstinence-only messaging still dominate curricula, with nearly twice as many states providing information only on abstinence, as compared to condoms and other contraception. “Just say no” education isn’t realistic, and simplifies—even sidesteps—the issue of consent, which is about a lot more than yes or no, and a topic only 11 states have as part of their syllabus.

When offered, comprehensive sex ed works. Aside from reducing unwanted pregnancies and STIs, domestic violence decreases, as does homophobic bullying and child sex abuse. That’s where a number of sex educators and websites step in to fill the gap, especially important now in a post-Roe America. Here are a few resources worth checking out.

Scarleteen

Scarleteen was founded in 1998 by Heather Corinna, who still serves as its director. The site offers articles, fact sheets, resource lists, and more, all written by adult, almost-adult, and teen educators, and the content aligns with suggested guidelines for comprehensive sex education for adolescents by SIECUSUNESCO, the US Centers for Disease Control’s National Health Education Standards, and the UK National Health Service’s Sex and Relationships Education. They also meet the new American School Health Association’s National Sexuality Education Standards. Message boards are staffed with experts and volunteers to answer user questions, for emotional support, and to engage in safe, respectful, peer-to-peer discussion. The site also offers referrals to other sexual and reproductive healthcare services, such as STI testing, prenatal or abortion care, mental health care, LGBTQIA+ support, and more.

Sex, Etc.

Sex, Etc. began as a print newsletter in 1994 and launched on the web on Valentine’s Day 1999. The content comes directly from young adults looking to fill in the gaps in their own knowledge and share what they’ve learned. In keeping with that theme, writers for the site are allowed to contribute to Sex, Etc. only until they’re 20 years old. “Nothing about them, without them,” is how Tazmine Weisgerber, who provides sex education and training for Sex, Etc., describes the site. “The national and international conversations are what our teens are talking about,” she says. “Awareness of LGBTQ+ rights and reproductive justice” are all topics of interest to the site’s visitors, she explained.

To ensure accuracy, student staff participate in a three-day training with professionals, as well as an orientation and monthly meetings. They then work with the site’s editorial content developer, Erica Pass, who guides them through pitching a story to getting it ready to publish. Vivian Welch, now a freshman at the University of Arizona, has written extensively for Sex, Etc., and says one of her favorite pieces she wrote was on sensuality. “Of all the areas that encompass sex education, one thing that people never want to talk about is sensuality, the actual pleasure aspect of sex education. They try to limit it to scare you out of having sex. Which is not the goal. The goal is to give people the proper ways to stay safe. And not just physically safe, but also emotionally safe.”

Looking to the future, Pass says they plan to produce more videos, more TikToks, and more Instagram Reels, because that’s where teens are. “I think that what’s great about Sex, Etc. is that it’s written by teens, for teens,” Welch says. “Sex education is not a way to seduce teens into having a bunch of sex … sex education is a good thing. It’s not here to scare anyone.”

AMAZE

AMAZE is a site that produces educational videos on difficult sex and reproductive health topics. The site launched in 2016, and Rachael Gibson, a psychologist and sex educator, is the site’s senior project manager. “We’ve been expanding globally,” Gibson says. “We have over 200 videos translated into different languages. We have videos specific to different countries and their needs, so our global partnerships are very important to us. And here domestically, a grand vision in a perfect world is that AMAZE is used in all schools and that all young people have comprehensive, inclusive sex ed.”

AMAZE videos are one- to three-minute-long videos based on questions the team has gotten from viewers through their YouTube channel and social media platforms, especially Instagram and TikTok. “Our puberty videos are some of our top videos,” Gibson continues. “There are a lot of questions about gender identity, what it means to go through puberty as a transgender or nonbinary or gender-nonconforming person. This is one of the biggest changes.” While the audience is largely young people, the website is used by a growing audience of parents, caregivers, and medical professionals. And in response to legislation like Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill, the platform is experimenting with geotargeting its videos. “We know the kids are going to be going for the info, but we want them to get the stuff that is medically accurate, inclusive, and scientifically informed,” Gibson says.

Pornography As an Educational Tool

Traditionally, most people don’t consider pornography a source of reliable sex education; its typical purpose is to titillate rather than educate. However, there are individuals in the adult entertainment industry who have—and continue to—play a significant role in modeling a paradigm for diversity, acceptance, and ethical sex. Erika Lust, a director and producer of art-house adult films, is cofounder of The Porn Conversation, a website designed to help inform families and educators about sex. “Porn is an industry, and as a media, is sending out messages to adults, but also to all these young people who are using porn as information,” she says. By the age of 12, Lust explains, most kids have seen some form of porn, because they’re naturally looking out for it. “Even if porn never was supposed to be sex education, it has become sex education. There’s a risk just leaving them to watch it,” Lust explains. “It’s so important to have this conversation.” Lust works with other sex educators and researchers, youth organizations, and universities to counter the hypersexualized messages delivered by so much porn—messages that are racist, aggressive toward women, and reflect unrealistic body types.

But Lust’s curriculum isn’t just for young people. She provides information for parents to learn about sex themselves because often they didn’t have access to sex education when they were younger. Lust also directed a movie called Soul Sex, a documentary featuring sex educators Annie Campbell and her husband, John Campbell, where they discuss and demonstrate their approach to pleasure and lovemaking at any age. The Campbells extend their efforts on their website, where they offer coaching sessions and webinars aimed to help couples embrace their sexuality.

Other educators are also targeting older adults, particularly seniors, with educational videos designed for their needs. Jessica Drake is an adult actor and sex educator who, with her series, the Guide to Wicked Sex, directs adult-oriented how-to videos. Joan Price, an author and sex educator, teamed up with Drake to produce a Guide to Wicked Sex aimed specifically at seniors. The film is educational and explicit—Price’s informational segments are demonstrated by two senior couples. As Price told me, “Sex may change as we age, but sex has no expiration date.”

Regardless of your age, evidence-based and high-quality sex education is becoming harder and harder to find offline. As a result, the internet has become a primary resource for inclusive sex education for young and old alike. Information that deals with the essentials—our biology and how it works, and the social, psychological, and behavioral facets of sexual experiences—is readily available. As with anything else, the rest is up to us to be smart consumers and to defend free access to such information.

Complete Article HERE!

How Important Is Sex In Relationships?

— 9 Things To Consider

by Kelly Gonsalves

With how much sex is talked about in pop culture, online relationship columns, and over drinks between close friends, it raises the question: Just how important is sex in a relationship?

The question may feel all the more pressing if you, yourself, are in a relationship where the sex isn’t quite where you or your partner want it to be. Or perhaps you’re just wondering about it as someone who personally loves sex—or someone who is personally pretty uninterested in it.

We reached out to sex therapists to get to the bottom of the question—which, as it turns out, is pretty complex to answer.

How important is sex in relationships?

“Sex is as important to a relationship as it is to the people in it,” says licensed sex therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT.

That is, how important sex is to a relationship varies depending on the individual. Sex matters a lot to some people and some couples, and it’s less important or not important at all to some people and some couples.

Not every relationship requires an active sex life. “There are perfectly happy and healthy couples who don’t have sex, and this isn’t a problem as long as both are truly happy and OK with this,” adds Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., an AASECT-certified sex therapist and couples’ counselor.

Now, if at least one person in the relationship does want sex, that’s when it becomes important for partners to work on creating a mutually satisfying sex life. Much research has found a link between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction, so it’s important for both people to feel good about the state of their sex life and to address any issues that come up.

“Those problems can create negative feelings, distance between the partners, and damage to the strength of the relationship,” Zimmerman explains.

She adds that problems in the bedroom have a tendency to impact how people view their relationship as a whole, too. “When sex is working well for a couple, it feels like it’s about 20% of what makes their relationship great. It’s important, and it’s a factor in their happiness, but it’s in proportion to all the other things in their life,” she explains. “But when it isn’t working, it can feel like it’s 80% of their life together. It can overshadow the other parts that may be working really well. So sex becomes more important as it goes badly.”

Summary:

Sex isn’t important to all relationships, and couples can have happy and healthy relationships without sex. That said, in those relationships where it is important to one or both partners, issues in a couple’s sex life can be tied to (or even create) issues in the relationship as a whole.

Complete Article HERE!

15 Things You Need to Do to Be a Good Top

It’s time for all the tops out there to step their game up!

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Here are 15 things you need to know if you want to be a good top!

1. Have some serious foreplay

We’ve all been there. We’re turned on, we’re excited, we just want to get to the game, but sometimes the tailgate is the best part. You want the experience to last. You want him to feel comfortable. Take your time before getting to the actual penetration.

2. Have the condoms

While it’s not the job of all tops to carry condoms, it’s often expected that they are the ones who will. Don’t rely on the bottom to carry the condoms. As the top, the responsibility is more on you. Also, yes, I know PrEP is a thing, and you should be on it. While a miracle drug, it doesn’t protect against other STIs besides HIV, and even if your partner is on PrEP, he may still want to use a condom.

3. Gently enter and ask how it feels

For the love of god, don’t start off by jack hammering. Go slow. Let him get used to having you inside of him. Ask how they feel. Ask if he needs more lube or if you need to pull out for a second.

4. Switch up positions and speeds

Don’t do the same thing the whole time. Speed up. Slow down. Switch positions. While (most) bottoms like to be pounded extra hard in doggystyle, that’s not the only thing we like. Oh, and it can be super sexy to make out while you’re inside of him. If you can jerk him off while you’re inside him too, even better.

5. Give him a break if he’s on top

It takes a lot of work to do cowboy, or any other riding position. Unless he’s a porn star, he’s going to get tired. Sometimes he won’t feel comfortable asking you to switch positions, which is why you should preemptively ask him if he wants to switch it up.

6. Do not false advertise

You know your junk better than anyone else. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I meet a guy, we go back, and he is freakin’ huge. Like donkey d*ck, monster huge. I’m like, where do you expect me to put that? Why did you not give me fair warning? I could have loosened up for you. This is no longer sexy that you’re well-endowed. It’s just annoying. Then there’s the other side of the coin. Don’t lie about being bigger than you are. You can’t hide it. Like, we’re going to find out and be annoyed if you gave yourself an extra three inches.

7. Pull out if you’re going to orgasm too quickly

Slow it down if you’re about to orgasm. If that’s not enough, pull out and do some other “stuff” while your body takes a break. You don’t want to ejaculate within seconds of being inside of him.

8. If you do ejaculate prematurely, let him know your refractory time, and go again

It’s not the end of the world if you orgasm quickly. Just let him know you can have some other fun for a little bit, and then go at it again. Just because you finish once, doesn’t mean that’s the end. Go again! And the second time, you’ll be able to last longer.

9. Don’t be annoying with putting on the condom

Don’t try to sneak it in there without asking. For the love of God, don’t take it off in the middle of having sex without telling him. Sex with condoms can be really annoying. Trust me, I know. But you need to respect your bottom and his wishes.

10. Say his name during sex

This is just hot. It makes him feel special and wanted. I haven’t met a single guy who doesn’t like hearing his name out loud during sex. It’s a simple yet effective turn-on technique.

11. Don’t make a big deal if you get a little “mud” on you

Butts are not chocolate soft serves. Yes, some poop can come out, but not that often or that much if you’re aware of your body. That said, it will happen at some point. It’s inevitable. Don’t make a big deal. Simply ask to change condoms. Or, if you don’t mind, afterwards, take off the condom, wrap it in a paper towel and throw it out without him seeing. Then go wash yourself off. You don’t need to tell him it happened if he didn’t realize. There’s no reason to embarrass him.

12. Read your partner and when in doubt, ask

Sometimes your partner will be vocal. It’ll be clear what he wants you to do. Other times, you’ll have to read him more. Would he like you to go slower or faster? Harder or softer? If you’re not sure, just ask!

13. Let him know when you’re about to finish and ask him where he wants you to orgasm

Some guys like it when you finish inside of them. Other guys, not so much. Some guys like you to finish on unlikely places. Be a gentleman and do what he asks. If he says he doesn’t care, still give him a heads up by telling him where you’re going to ejaculate.

14. Help him finish afterward

Just because you finished doesn’t mean the fun is over. Some bottoms don’t like to ejaculate, but many do. Don’t assume because you were the top that sex is over once you finish. Don’t be greedy. Help him finish if he wants to.

15. Don’t rush out afterward

If you want him to feel used, then yes, rush out afterwards. If not, lay in bed with him for a while. Cuddle. Have some pillow talk. Let him know that he’s more than just a piece of meat and a tight hole. Unless, of course, this was the agreement and both you knew it was a quickie. If that’s the case, then don’t overstay your welcome. Get the hell out.

Complete Article HERE!

Is Your Partner A Man-Child?

— No Wonder You Don’t Feel Like Sex

The man-child phenomenon is a real thing. And scientists have studied it.

By and

A man sits on the couch, watching TV. His partner, a woman, prepares dinner, while mentally ticking off her to-do list. That includes returning her partner’s shirts she’d ordered online for him last week, and booking a GP appointment for their youngest child.

He walks in and asks her “what’s for dinner?”, then goes back to the TV.

Later that night, he’s surprised she’s not interested in sex.

The people in this scenario are a woman and a man. But it could be a woman and her child. The dynamics are very similar – one person providing instrumental and emotional care, and the other receiving that care while showing little acknowledgement, gratitude or reciprocation.

You’re reading about a man who depends on his partner for everyday tasks that he is actually capable of. Some people call this the “man-child” phenomenon.

Maybe you’ve lived it. Our research shows it’s real.

The man-child is real

The man-child phenomenon (or perceiving a partner as dependent, as we call it) describes the blurring of roles between a partner and a child.

You may hear women describe their male partners as their “dependent” or one of their children.

When a partner starts to feel like they have a dependent child, it’s not surprising if that affects a woman’s sexual desire for him.

We set out to explore whether this might explain why many women partnered with men report low sexual desire.

Surprisingly, until our study, there were no studies that had tried to directly measure the impact of the man-child phenomenon on women’s sexual desire.

What we did

We conducted two studies with more than 1,000 women from around the world, in relationships with men. All our participants had children under the age of 12.

We asked the women to rate their agreement with statements like, “Sometimes I feel as though my partner is like an extra child I need to look after.” We also asked them about the division of household labour in their relationship, and their level of sexual desire for their partner.

We found consistent evidence that:

  • when women performed more household labour than their partner, they were more likely to perceive their partner as dependents (that is, the man-child phenomenon)
  • perceiving a partner as a dependent was associated with lower sexual desire for that partner.

When taken together, you could say women’s partners were taking on an unsexy role – that of a child.

There could be other explanations. For instance, women who perceive their partners as dependents may be more likely to do more around the house. Alternatively, low desire for a partner may lead to the partner being perceived as a dependent. So we need more research to confirm.

Our research highlights a pretty bleak snapshot of what people’s relationships can involve. And while the man-child phenomenon may not exist for you, it reflects broader gendered inequities in relationships.

Is there a man-child equivalent in same-sex relationships?

Our research was solely about relationships between women and men, with children. But it would be interesting to explore if the man-child phenomenon exists in same-sex or gender-diverse relationships, and what the impact might be on sexual desire.

One possibility is that, in relationships between two women, men, or non-binary people, household labour is more equitably negotiated. As a result, the mother-child dynamic may be less likely to emerge. But no-one has studied that yet.

Man wiping dishes while looking after two young children
In relationships between men, household labour may be more evenly split.

Another possibility is that one person in the relationship (regardless of gender identity) takes on a more feminine role. This may include more of the mothering, nurturing labour than their partner(s). If that was the case, we might see the man-child phenomenon in a broader range of relationships. Again, no-one has studied this.

Perhaps, anyone could be the “man-child” in their relationship.

What else don’t we know?

Such future research may help explore different types of relationship dynamics more broadly.

This may help us understand what sexual desire might look like in relationships where roles are equitably negotiated, chosen, and renegotiated as needed.

We might learn what happens when household labour is valued like paid labour. Or what happens when both partners support each other and can count on each other for daily and life needs.

Women might be less likely to experience their partners as dependents and feel more sexual desire for them. In other words, the closer we are to equity in actively caring for each other, the closer we might be to equity in the capacity for feeling sexual desire with our partner.

Complete Article HERE!

Common Questions About Condoms

— Yes, there is a condom that will fit

Condoms are often part of safe sex and contraception discussions because, when used correctly, they’re effective for birth control and sexually transmitted infection (STI) prevention.

But there’s quite a bit of confusion out there about condoms. Do they truly protect against herpes? Are two condoms better than one? Are some penises really “too big” for every condom out there? Physician assistant and sexual health expert Evan Cottrill, PA-C, AAHIVS, HIVPCP, helps clear up common myths about condoms.

What are the types of condoms?

First, some basics. What are the different types of condoms? There are two main types:

  • External condoms are worn over the penis to collect ejaculation fluids.
  • Internal condoms are worn inside the body to act as a barrier and keep ejaculation fluids from entering someone’s body.

There are also dental dams, which act as a barrier during oral sex of any kind.

All types of condoms reduce the risk of transmitting STIs through bodily fluids. Condoms also prevent pregnancy by keeping semen from entering the vagina. There are many other methods of birth control to prevent pregnancy, but a condom can also protect you from STIs. This is also true if you’re having anal sex.

Below, Cottrill walks us through nine facts about condoms and debunks some popular myths along the way.

Are lambskin condoms different from latex condoms?

Condoms made from latex, polyurethane and other synthetic materials can protect you from STIs. But lamb cecum condoms, also called natural membrane or lambskin condoms, can allow viruses to pass through.

If you’re only concerned about preventing pregnancy, lambskin condoms are fine. But if you want protection from STIs, use a latex or polyurethane condom.

Are some people too big for condoms?

If someone has ever told you, Condoms don’t fit me, don’t buy it — this is a myth.

“Anatomic size varies, of course,” says Cottrill. “But there is a condom that can fit every person.”

Most penises don’t require a special condom size. But if needed, there are larger — and smaller — condom sizes available. If you can’t find the right fit at your local grocery store, try searching for them online.

Do condoms protect against herpes?

“Yes, when you use condoms consistently and correctly, they do protect against herpes,” says Cottrill.

The myth that condoms don’t protect against herpes probably came from people who weren’t using them correctly or weren’t using them enough. Herpes is a lifelong condition that spreads through close contact with someone who’s had the infection — even when they’re not having an outbreak and show no signs or symptoms of infection. Herpes can also spread through oral sex and by sharing sex toys, which means it’s important to use a dental dam or condom when participating in these activities.

“You need to use condoms for all types of sex, including oral sex, to prevent the spread of herpes,” states Cottrill.

Do condoms protect against HIV?

“Condoms most definitely reduce the risk of transmitting HIV,” says Cottrill.

However, when it comes to protecting against the spread of viral STIs, such as HIV, hepatitis C and herpes simplex virus (HSV), the condom material matters. For the best protection, avoid lambskin condoms and use latex or polyurethane instead.

Do condoms protect against HPV?

Yes, condoms protect against human papillomavirus (HPV) infection.

“Condoms are effective against any STI, whether bacterial or viral,” notes Cottrill. He again emphasizes that latex and polyurethane condoms — not lambskin — are your best protection.

Is it bad to keep a condom in your wallet?

“This is a very popular question,” says Cottrill. “I do not recommend keeping condoms in your wallet because heat lowers the quality of the material over time. Plus, the packaging can get torn or opened.”

It’s also not a good idea to keep condoms in your car, which can get very hot in the sun. It’s best to store condoms in a cool place where the package won’t get crushed, folded or punctured.

Should you use two condoms?

It might seem logical that two condoms would be better than one — twice the protection or something like that, right? But it’s actually the opposite.

“Do not use two condoms at the same time,” says Cottrill.

Friction during sex can weaken the condoms as they slide against each other, leading to breakage. You also don’t want to wear external condoms while your partner wears an internal condom for the same reasons. Using one condom at a time is most effective.

Can you use any lube with condoms?

Choosing the right lubricant depends partly on the type of condom you’re using. If you’re using latex, stick with silicone or water-based lubricants. Don’t use oil-based substances such as petroleum jelly (Vaseline®), lotion, massage oil or coconut oil, as these can weaken the latex and lead to tears.

But you can use oil-based lubricants with condoms made of polyurethane or other synthetic materials, as these won’t break down so easily.

Do condom expiration dates matter?

Yes, condoms expire, and it’s important to look at those dates.

“It’s best not to use a condom that’s past the date printed on the package or over five years old,” cautions Cottrill.

The condom material breaks down over time, so an older condom is more likely to tear during sex.

Tips for choosing and using condoms

When choosing a condom, consider:

  • Size: Regular-sized external condoms work just fine for most people. But you can find other sizes available, if necessary, typically right on the shelf at your local drugstore or online.
  • Material: Lambskin condoms work for avoiding pregnancy but aren’t great for STI protection. Latex and polyurethane condoms are best if you want to prevent the spread of STIs.
  • Allergies: Some people are allergic to latex. If that’s you or your partner, use condoms made of polyurethane or another synthetic material.

No matter what type of condom you’re choosing, use a new condom every time and follow the directions on the package to minimize the risk of slippage, leakage or breakage. If your condom does tear or break while you’re having sex, stop immediately and replace it with a new condom. If you’re concerned about possible pregnancy or STIs, make an appointment with a healthcare provider.

If you’ve tossed the box and need a refresher on how to properly use external condoms, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has a handy guide for using external condoms.

Complete Article HERE!

23 new gender and sexuality terms added to the dictionary in 2022

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  • In 2022, Dictionary.com and the Oxford English Dictionary added 23 words to describe gender and sexuality concepts.
  • New gender-related words include “enby,” “nounself pronoun,” and “pangender.”
  • New sex and sexuality words include “throuple,” “sixty nine,” and “simp.”

As people’s understandings of gender and sexuality shift, whether due to cultural changes or scientific findings, so do the words we use to describe them.

Language is a major factor in how to shape our identities and view ourselves, and using words that people relate to can break down taboos and allow them to feel understood.

This year, Dictionary.com and Oxford English Dictionaryadded new gender and sexuality words and phrases to their pages, giving readers more options to describe who they are, what they desire, and how they show up in the world.

Words that are already popular slang, like “simp,” made the cut, as did the verb form of “sixty nine.”

Oxford English Dictionary additions include ‘TERF,’ ‘stealthing,’ and ‘sixty nine’

  • Anti-gay (adjective): Opposed or hostile to homosexual people (sometimes specifically gay men) or homosexuality
  • Condomize (verb): To put on a condom; to use a condom during sexual intercourse, either as a contraceptive or to protect against infections
  • Demisexual (adjective, noun): Involving ambiguous or amorphous sexual characteristics or activity
  • Enby (adjective, noun): A person who has a non-binary gender identity; non-binary
  • Hypersexualize (verb): To make (a person or thing) pervasively, excessively, or inappropriately sexual; to imbue or permeate with intense sexual or erotic
  • Multisexual (adjective): Characterized by sexual or romantic attraction to, or sexual activity with, people of different sexes or gender identities
  • Pangender (adjective): Designating a non-binary person whose gender identity encompasses multiple genders, which may be experienced simultaneously or in a fluid way
  • Sixty nine (verb): To engage with a partner in simultaneous mutual oral stimulation of the genitals for sexual pleasure; to participate in a sixty-nine”
  • Stealthing (noun): The action or practice of removing one’s condom during sex (or occasionally of intentionally damaging it prior to sex) without the knowledge and consent of a partner
  • TERF (noun): Transgender-exclusionary radical feminist; typically derogatory term for a feminist whose advocacy of women’s rights excludes (or is thought to exclude) the rights of transgender women

Dictionary.com added ‘simp,’ ‘aromantic,’ and ‘throuple’

  • Aromantic (adjective): Noting or relating to a person who experiences little or no romantic attraction to other people
  • Bachelorx party (noun): An inclusive pre-wedding party, often on the night before or in the days leading up to the wedding, and ranging from a night of drinking to a destination vacation (used in contrast to bachelor party and bachelorette party, and intended to be welcoming for wedding participants and guests of any gender)
  • Demisexual (adjective): Noting or relating to a person who is sexually attracted only to people with whom they already have an emotional bond
  • Feminine of center (adjective): Noting or relating to a person, especially an LGBTQ+ person, who is more feminine than masculine on a spectrum of gender expression
  • Hegemonic masculinity (noun): A socially constructed masculine ideal, defined chiefly in contrast to or as the opposite of femininity, and held up as the most prestigious form of manliness in a heteropatriarchy
  • Heteropatriarchy (noun): A hierarchical society or culture dominated by heterosexual males whose characteristic bias is unfavorable to gay people and females in general
  • Masculine of center (adjective): Noting or relating to a person, especially an LGBTQ+ person, who is more masculine than feminine on a spectrum of gender expression
  • Neopronoun (noun): A type of gender-neutral pronoun, coined after 1800, and used especially by nonbinary and genderqueer people, as in English ze/hir/hirs,e/em/eirs, or xe/xem/xyrs
  • Nounself pronoun (noun): A type of invented gender-neutral pronoun used by some nonbinary and genderqueer people in place of gendered pronouns such as he/himself or she/herself to express a spiritual or personal connection to a specific concept: the nounself pronoun is derived from a word, usually a noun, that is linked to that concept, such as the use of star/starself by people who feel a connection to celestial objects or bun/bunself, derived from bunny, by people who feel a connection to rabbits
  • Simp (noun, verb): A person, especially a man, who is excessively attentive or submissive to an object of sexual attraction; To be excessively attentive or submissive, especially to an object of sexual attraction
  • Sologamy (noun): The practice or state of marriage to one’s self
  • Throuple (noun): Three people who are engaged or 
 married to one another, or involved 
 as romantic partners
  • Unlabeled (adjective): Noting or relating to a person who does not name their gender or sexuality

Complete Article HERE!

Sexual coercion

— Definition, examples, and recovery

Sexual coercion is when a person pressures, tricks, threatens, or manipulates someone into having sex. It is a type of sexual assault because even if someone says “yes,” they are not giving their consent freely.

By Zawn Villines

People who experience sexual coercion may feel they have no option but to have sex. The perpetrator may use guilt or the threat of negative consequences to get what they want. Alternatively, they may promise rewards that may or may not be real.

Sexual coercion is most likely to happen in existing relationships, but anyone can behave this way, particularly if there is an imbalance of power. Although it does not involve physical force, it is still damaging.

Keep reading to understand what sexual coercion is, examples of this behavior, and when to seek help.

Sexual coercion is when someone pressures a person in a nonphysical wayTrusted Source to have sex with them. It can occur in any kind of relationship and applies to any type of sex.

Sex can be coercive even if someone says “yes.” In sexual coercion, a person has sex because they feel they should or must, rather than because they want to.

The nature of sexual coercion can vary significantly, from persistently asking for sex until someone gives in to threats of violence or revenge. As some types of coercion are not obviously intimidating, some people may not realize they are experiencing or engaging in it.

Non-coercive sex involves affirmative consent. This means that all sexual partners explicitly and enthusiastically give their verbal consent to sexual activities without the influence of any external pressures. They also agree that people can withdraw consent at any time, for any reason, with no negative consequences.

Other hallmarks of consensual sex include:

  • mutual respect
  • equal power dynamics
  • autonomy, meaning all partners are free to make their own decisions
  • no sense of entitlement, meaning that partners do not expect sex from their partner
  • physical and emotional safety

Involuntary physical responses, such as an erection or vaginal lubrication, are not equivalent to consent. True consent is also not possible if a person feels pressured or intimidated into saying “yes”, or they simply do not say “no”. Sexual contact in these situations can be sexual assault.

A person may try to sexually coerce someone through:

  • Harassment: Repeatedly asking someone for sex when they have expressed disinterest is coercive behaviorTrusted Source, especially if it intends to wear someone down until they give in.
  • Guilt: A person may try to make someone feel guilty for saying no to sex. For example, they may emphasize how long it has been since they last had sex, say that the person owes them sex, or that it is their obligation as their partner.
  • Lies: A person may use misinformation to coax someone to have sex with them. They may use myths about consent to convince someone they have no right to say no, make false promises, or tell them their demands or coercive behaviors are normal.
  • Threats to the relationship: A person may threaten to leave a relationship if someone does not consent to sex. Alternatively, they may play on their partner’s insecurities, such as by suggesting they are boring or unattractive if they say no, or that they will start being unfaithful.
  • Blackmail: This is when someone weaponizes secret information about a person to force them into having sex. For example, the perpetrator might threaten to release nude photographs online if someone does not consent to sex.
  • Fear and intimidation: A person may behave in a scary or intimidating manner when they do not get their way to pressure someone into sex.
  • Power imbalance: A person may use the power they get from their job, status, or wealth to coerce someone. They may threaten someone with job loss, lower grades, a tarnished reputation, or other negative consequences if they do not agree. Alternatively, they may promise rewards and opportunities.
  • Using substances: A person may encourage someone to use drugs or alcohol to make them more compliant and therefore easier to coerce into sex. If a person has sex with someone while inebriated or unconscious, this is rape.

There is less research on sexual coercion than other types of nonconsensual sex, but what exists suggests that it is common and more likely to affect some people than others.

For example, a 2018 study of Spanish adolescents found that although males and females reported being victims of coercion, males were more likely to engage in coercive behavior. The researchers found that certain attitudes correlate with a higher risk of coercive behavior, including:

  • a belief that sexually coercive behaviors are normal
  • a desire for power and control
  • hostile sexism, which promotes the idea that men should have dominance over women

Another 2018 study also notes a link between sexual coercion and sexism, particularly in heterosexual relationships, where traditional gender roles can influence power dynamics.

If it is part of a pattern, sexual coercion is abuse. According to the domestic violence support organization REACH, in the context of relationships, the term “abuse” describes any pattern of behavior that a person uses to gain control or power over someone else.

Sometimes, coercive sex happens just once. It may result from a misunderstanding or someone believing in myths about what is normal in sexual relationships. However, if a person does not care that the behavior is harmful or continues to do it regardless, this signals an abusive relationship.

A person may use sexual coercion alongside other types of abuse, such as coercive control. This involves demanding control over many aspects of their partner’s life, such as:

  • what they wear
  • where they go
  • who they socialize with

Demeaning or insulting comments, humiliation, and gaslighting may also wear down someone’s self-esteem.

Although coercive sex is a type of abuse, its legal status varies.

In the United States, coercive sex may be sexual assault if the perpetrator:

  • knows the person finds the act offensive
  • initiates sex for the purposes of abusing, harassing, humiliating, or degrading the person
  • knows the individual has a health condition that means they cannot give informed consent
  • knows the person is unaware the sex is taking place
  • has impaired the individual’s judgment by giving them substances to intoxicate them
  • is in a position of authority and has sex with someone in custody, such as in prison or the hospital

The age of the people involved is also an important factor. Sexual contact is illegal if it involves:

  • someone below the age of 21 and their guardian
  • someone below the age of 16 and a person who is 4 or more years older than them
  • anyone below the age of 10

Individual state laws may add additional circumstances under which coercive sex becomes illegal. Schools, workplaces, and other institutions may classify itTrusted Source as sexual harassment rather than assault and have their own rules for managing it.

Recovering from sexual coercion can begin with a realization that previous sexual experiences were not healthy or that a current relationship involves elements of coercion. This can be difficult for people to come to terms with. It may bring up intense emotions, such as sadness, anger, or guilt.

However, it is important to remember that, even if someone said “yes” to coercive sex, it is not their fault.

To process what happened, a person may consider:

  • confiding in an understanding, trustworthy friend
  • speaking with a free, confidential helpline for advice, such as RAINN
  • talking with a therapist who specializes in coercive sex or sexual assault recovery
  • joining an online or in-person support group
  • learning more about affirmative consent

For people who are currently in a relationship where coercion has taken place, they may wish to consider:

  • setting a time to talk about sex and consent in a safe space
  • setting boundaries around what is and is not OK
  • discussing the consequences of what happens when someone crosses those boundaries
  • seeking help and mediation from a relationship counselor

A person should only do this if the coercion is not part of a wider pattern of abuse. If it is, they should not attempt to address or change the perpetrator’s behavior.

Domestic abuse can escalateTrusted Source over time and be fatal. The safest thing a person can do in this situation is to stay safe and seek help.

If a person has experienced something they believe to be sexual abuse, there are several options for seeking help. For assaults that have just happened, a person should consider:

  • dialing 911 or their country’s emergency number to report it to the police
  • visiting a hospital, rape center, or doctor’s office for medical care
  • seeking help from trusted friends or family

For less recent assaults, a person may still be able to report it to the police or receive medical care to prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. It is best to do this as soon as possible.

If a person is unsure if they have experienced sexual coercion, assault, or abuse, they may wish to speak with a helpline, support worker, or lawyer specializing in this area. It is especially important to do this if:

  • the partner makes them feel unsafe
  • the partner controls their daily life
  • they worry about what would happen if they tried to leave
  • the partner has threatened or carried out violence toward a person, their children, or pets

Sexual coercion is when someone pressures or threatens someone into having sex with them. The person may persistently ask for sex to wear someone down, use guilt or a sense of obligation to get what they want, or trick someone by making them intoxicated or lying. More extreme tactics include threats of violence and blackmail.

Sexual coercion can be part of a pattern of abuse. For sex to be healthy, all partners must understand consent and clearly communicate and respect boundaries. If any partners repeatedly cross boundaries, they are engaging in abusive behavior.

People who believe they have experienced coercive sex can speak with a confidential support service for advice.

Complete Article HERE!

The Importance of Sexual Aftercare

By Gigi Engle

Whether we want to admit it or not, sexually charged experiences come with heightened emotional states. It doesn’t matter if the experience is casual or part of a committed relationship, or if it’s sex that is kinky, vanilla, or involves wearing penguin onesies. When we get down and dirty, there are going to be emotions involved. How could there not be?

When we get into intense erotic states, our brains are flooded with a ton of neurochemicals like adrenaline, dopamine, and oxytocin. Desire is a complex biological and psychological state. As such, when we reach climax (or the end of the sexual experience), we need to be sure we get back to a healthy and relaxed mental state. Simply throwing your clothes on and going about your day without so much as a “Thanks for the good times, pal” doesn’t work for most people.

This is why aftercare is such a crucial component of sexual play. Aftercare is the post-sex activity (or activities) that allows us to feel safe, settled, and good after sex. Zachary Zane, sex expert for personal lubricant and condom brand Momentum Intimacy, tells TheBody that aftercare has “typically been associated with kink or particularly ‘intense’ sexual scenes, though engaging in aftercare shouldn’t be limited to solely kinky or BDSM experiences.”

Aftercare has its place in all forms of sex. It is time everyone embraced aftercare as a part of sex because whether you’re having a one-night stand or are in a long-term relationship, everyone deserves to leave sex feeling positive and good about themselves.

Here is everything you should know about aftercare and how to create a plan that works for you and your partner(s).

What Is Sexual Aftercare?

Aftercare is the ways we nurture and care for ourselves and our partners after sexual play finishes. While aftercare is (slowly) making its way into all forms of sex, it has typically been associated with the BDSM community, which prides itself on consent and thorough negotiation.

In the kink community, aftercare is a set of actions and activities consensually agreed upon before sex (or the scene) begins. It is a post-sex plan of action to ensure that everyone involved in the play feels safe and well taken care of. It ensures respect and kindness for the people we play with, regardless of how serious or casual the relationship may be.

Aftercare is as unique as the sexual experience itself. It can include talking, cuddling, comparing notes on the experience, having a snack, watching a show, playing with your partner’s hair, going off to have a breather alone, or taking a shower alone or together. There is no limit to the menu of activities you have to choose from. It also “involves practical things like tending to any bruises or cuts that you sustained during the scene, cleaning up the place, and even kissing it better,” Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, tells TheBody. “It needs to be something you find comforting and soothing, ideally that involves something restful.”

The way aftercare plays out is completely subjective and will depend on the needs and desires of everyone involved in the play.

Zane tells us that aftercare is really about caring for the emotional well-being of the people you play with. “At its core, you’re asking your partner how they’re feeling and if there’s anything they need from you,” he says. “They may want to cuddle, have a glass of water, share something that triggered them during sex, or something else entirely.”

Why Aftercare Matters

“Aftercare exists because doing a scene can be very intense, taking you into a super-activated state of consciousness,” Rowett says. “Intensity of any kind, be it pleasurable, painful, or the delicious line between both, is incredibly overstimulating.”

Because of this overstimulation, it is important to consider the ways you’re going to bring yourself and your partner back down into a state of calm once play concludes. A lot of us don’t consider the aftermath when we’re engaging in sex, but failing to do so can lead to sub-par experiences.

“Often, what happens after the sexual experience impacts how we view the experience,” Zane explains. “For example, if you had incredible sex, but [they kick] you to the curb the moment they orgasm, you’re likely not going to view the experience fondly. You’ll just remember feeling used, rushed, and kicked out.” No one deserves to feel this way.

Creating an Aftercare Plan That Caters to Your Needs

Knowing what you need when it comes to aftercare is a part of understanding yourself as a sexual being. This means considering what your needs are post-sex, not just during sex.

Ask yourself these questions.

  1. What did my last great sexual experience look like?
  2. What do I want right after sex that I’ve been afraid to ask for?
  3. What would make me feel safe and cared for after sex?

It doesn’t matter if you met your partner on an app 30 minutes ago, you still deserve to get the aftercare you need. If a person refuses to meet your aftercare needs, you may want to reconsider whether this is someone you feel safe enough to play with.

It’s important to consider where your aftercare needs intersect and where they differ. This requires open and honest communication with your partner. “If one of you needs a long cuddle afterward but the other needs alone time, you will need to make this clear and negotiate a way in the middle,” Rowett says.

While directly asking how your partner is feeling is very important, Zane points out that aftercare can also mean taking a few minutes to decompress before verbally checking in after sex. “Simply being with that person and holding them is a form of aftercare. After a few minutes, you can ask how they’re feeling,” he says.

Lastly, aftercare isn’t always about the “right here, right now.” It can often extend into the next day. “You can send a text asking how they’re feeling or if there’s anything they need from you,” Zane adds.

What all this juicy stuff boils down to is caring for the welfare of someone who shared an experience with you. We’re all just humans trying to find joy, pleasure, and comfort with the people we engage with. Every person we have sex with has a right to a good experience—and this includes emotional safety, too.

Complete Article HERE!

6 reasons why you could have performance anxiety during sex

— And how to overcome it

Performance anxiety during sex can be related to physical fears, emotional fears, or a combination.

By

  • Feeling anxious during sex is incredibly common and valid.
  • This can be a result of poor body image, a hyperfocus on your partner, or prior bad experiences.
  • Fortunately, this anxiety can often be overcome through mindfulness, movement, or therapy.

When you think of performance anxiety, you might think of tests or talent shows, but this fear is also common during sex. In fact, up to 25% of men and 16% of women experience sexual performance anxiety.

Performance anxiety manifests during sexual encounters as a worry about what your partner will think of your performance. For example, people may be afraid of not getting an erection or experiencing lubrication, says Jennifer Litner, a sexologist and the founder of sex therapy practice Embrace Sexual Wellness.

But other anxieties, like worrying how your body appears to your partner, can be part of performance anxiety, too.

If you’re experiencing performance anxiety during sex, here’s some things that could be causing it, as well as some information on how it can be treated.

1. Poor body image

Not feeling great about your body can make it hard to have a great time during sex, says Lena Elkhatib, a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapist, and founder of Essential Therapy.

After all, being naked and vulnerable with someone is hard even when you feel great about how you look.

Moreover, if you’re preoccupied with what you look like, you’re probably not focused on the sensations of sex. “It really takes us out of the experience of, what are the feelings in my body, which is what we want to be focused on,” says Rachel Zar, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist who practices at Spark Chicago Therapy.

As a result, it might take you a longer time to orgasm – which might make you even more self-conscious, fueling performance anxiety.

How to overcome it: Working towards body acceptance is a difficult, but empowering way to reconnect with your body. In practice, this can look like:

  • Re-evaluating your relationship with food and movement: Societal bias and weight stigma has taught us to demonize food and overly celebrate exercise. Neutralizing or accepting your relationship with food and movement can help you to be kinder to yourself and celebrate all that your body does for you each day. 
  • Incorporating joyful movement: We often associate the word “movement” with exercise, but fun movements like dancing, walking, or even cleaning can encourage more positive feelings about your body.
  • Visit a boudoir photographer: Taking photos of your body that you feel good about can encourage you to channel that version of your body image in the bedroom. 

2. Feeling disconnected from your partner

Sometimes, you might feel distant from a sexual partner because you don’t know them very well. But even if you’re having sex with a long-term significant other, you could feel disconnected if you’ve recently had an argument or spent some time apart.

This disconnection could make your mind wander during sex, giving anxiety a space to creep in, Zar says. Moreover, if you’re feeling distant from your partner(s), your brain is more likely to kick into “performance mode,” triggering performance anxiety.

“Sometimes, you need some time to reconnect to a partner before you’re able to reconnect sexually,” Zar says. “After all, sex is a really vulnerable thing to do with someone.”

How to overcome it: The best thing to do is talk to your partner about what’s bothering you, Zar says. 

She also recommends focusing on foreplay – not just in bed, but also in the hours or days leading up to sex. That might include touching or kissing each other throughout the day, or cuddling on the couch.

Foreplay gives you an opportunity to reconnect with your partner without rushing straight into sex, and it promotes intimacy.

3. Negative beliefs or shame about sex

One of the most common causes of performance anxiety is negative beliefs about sex, Elkhatib says. For instance, if you were taught as a kid that sex is bad or dirty, you might feel ashamed about engaging in sexual behaviors.

This shame, in turn, might make you worry about how your partner(s) perceive you or feel about your sexual encounters.

“Shame is not a sexy feeling,” Zar says. “If you think that something you’re doing is shameful, you may be easily embarrassed by it or monitor your actions or responses.”

How to overcome it: Attending therapy with a sex-affirming mental health professional is one key way to dismantle sexual shame.

In particular, a therapist can work to help you understand what messages have led you to feel ashamed about your sexuality, Elkhatib says. You can then start to replace those narratives with more sex-positive thoughts.

Sex positive literature can help correct negative sexual beliefs. If your negative thoughts stem from a religious background, you can usually find books that can be helpful. “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagiski could be helpful to everyone.

4. Focusing too much on you partner during sex

We tend to think that being tuned in to our partners’ desires during sex is a good thing, but if you focus on your partner(s) to the detriment of your own pleasure, it can cause performance anxiety.

For instance, if you’re super dialed in to your partner(s), you may notice if they sigh or glance away from you – potentially meaningless signs that may make you worry they’re not enjoying themselves.

Focusing too much on your partner can also be tied into messaging we’ve been taught about sex, Elkhatib says.

For example, if you were raised in an environment where you were told sex is a duty you must perform to please your partner(s), that could lead you to solely focus on your partner’s pleasure during sex – and it could incite performance anxiety as you worry what might happen if you don’t satisfy them.

How to overcome it: Treating this kind of performance anxiety is all about learning to focus on yourself. That might include exercises like masturbating to relearn what feels good in your body or practicing having sex with your partner where you’re the center of attention. 

For instance, Elkhatib says you might have sex with your partner(s) where you’re not allowed to give pleasure to them: they’re only allowed to pleasure you.

If past lessons about sex have contributed to your desire to focus on a partner, then examining the source of those beliefs can be helpful too, Elkhatib says.

Focusing on other forms of bodily pleasure that aren’t sex can also shift your focus: Such as how you eat your food, shower, listen to music, or move during walks.

Mindfulness training is a great way to defeat performance anxiety, Zar says. In mindfulness training, you focus on how your body feels instead of focusing on your anxiety. This can help bring you back into your body so you can enjoy sex more.

Mindfulness can be hard at first, but you can practice it in non-sexual situations, such as at the gym or nail salon, before applying the technique in the bedroom, says Zar.

5. Physical hurdles

If something has changed in your life so that you’re not functioning sexually in the way that you used to, that can cause performance anxiety, Zar says. 

For example, if you’re no longer able to consistently achieve an erection – something that happens to many men as they age – you may develop anxiety, wondering if you’ll be able to perform as you’d like to the next time you have sex.

This may also happen if you experience

  • A lack of ability to orgasm because of taking medications like antidepressants
  • An injury or condition that impacts your sex organs
  • Other physical health conditions, such as heart disease or diabetes, that can impact erectile and orgasmic functioning

How to overcome it: Depending on the cause of the changes, you may be able to work with a primary care physician or a psychiatrist to manage your symptoms, says Litner. For instance, antidepressants can often affect your libido or ability to achieve orgasm. Your psychiatrist may be able to reduce your dosage or change your meds to alleviate these symptoms.

Even if the physical changes don’t abate, you can still manage your performance anxiety by changing how you approach sexual encounters. Litner suggests shifting from a performance-based mindset, which relies on a specific outcome being achieved, to a pleasure-based mindset, in which it’s the enjoyment of yourself and your partner that matters. Studies have shown that mindfulness training can help with this.

Working with a sex therapist that’s specifically focused on people with disabilities can also be helpful. Sex therapists can validate the different, yet equally important challenges that folks with disabilities face when it comes to sex.

6. Past negative experience with a partner

If someone has negatively commented on your sexual performance in the past, that can make you anxious about future sexual encounters.

“A lot of times we see this show up if somebody says something that is more of a rigid comment,” Litner says. “‘How come you’re not hard?’ or, ‘How come you’re not having an orgasm?'”

Even small comments made by well-meaning partners can cause performance anxiety, Litner says.

How to overcome it: Treatment will depend on the severity of the past negative experience, Litner says. If the experience was traumatic or took place during a formative period in someone’s life, trauma-based therapies can be effective. In other cases, psychotherapies like cognitive behavioral therapy and narrative-based therapy can be used.

Insider’s takeaway

Performance anxiety during sex is very common, and can be caused by poor body image, feeling disconnected from your partner(s), or changes in your sexual functioning. Treatment for performance anxiety depends on what is causing it, but a combination of therapy and mindfulness exercises are often effective.

Remember, even if you’re never able to totally eliminate your anxiety around sex, that doesn’t mean your sex life is over. “Intimacy does not mean sex, and sex doesn’t mean intercourse,” Elkhatib says. “The more that people can broaden their library of intimacy… the less pressure there will be to look and feel a certain way.”

Complete Article HERE!

17 Intimacy Questions to Ask Your Partner

— Research finds that having these conversations guarantees a deeper connection

by Sarah Finley

When you’re in a relationship and life takes over — bills, children, and managing diaries — it’s hard to make time for each other and most importantly build on your intimacy. But making time for each other and getting to know each other better will help to build a happier future in which you grow together, rather than apart.

One way of doing this is finding the time to sit down together and ask each other intimate questions. Studies show that self-disclosure and open communication help build emotional intimacy in romantic relationships, which is especially important for relationship satisfaction.

But the level of intimacy you feel in a relationship ebbs and flows over time. It’s normal to occasionally grow distant from your partner, that’s why it’s crucial to prioritize your relationship to stay connected and curious.

Not sure what intimate questions to ask your partner? Finding the best relationship questions for couples can be tough, especially when you feel like you know them already. So here are 17 relationship questions scientifically proven to build intimacy and the research behind why they’re worth asking.

You don’t have to ask your partner all these questions (you can pick and choose the ones that resonate with you the most) and the answers aren’t what matters. The point is to spark a conversation, get to know one another on a deeper level, and focus on actively listening to your partner.

Ready to connect with your partner everyday?

Which do you prefer, kissing or hugging? Why?

We’re all different, but choices over physical intimacy can shape how we feel in relationships.

A study by Brigham Young University found that men and women usually prefer different forms of physical touch. According to the research findings, men prefer kisses or backrubs, while women like to be hugged.

What’s my best habit?

Instead of focussing on habits that annoy one another, this question looks at the positive habits we bring to a relationship. Appreciating each other’s strengths, one study found, meant more satisfying relationships and sex lives.

When did you last cry, and what was it about?

Being vulnerable in front of your partner or sharing a vulnerable moment is a great way to bond with your partner. Try to think back to the last moment you cried (beyond the last movie you blubbed in) and explore where that sadness came from.

What are the most important things on your bucket list?

Bucket list goals like completing a marathon or climbing a mountain sometimes feel completely out of reach, but by sharing the most important things you’d like to achieve with a partner it becomes a shared goal.

Studies have shown that shared goals give you both something to work towards and make both of you feel like you’ve achieved it. Working towards shared goals as a couple — as well as perceived partner support for individual goals — were both related to increased happiness in relationships.

What is the funniest thing that’s happened to you?

Humor is important in relationships, so the ability to share your hilarious or embarrassing moments (and be able to laugh about them) is paramount.

In fact, research shows that those in longer relationships tend to share a similar sense of humor, and couples who can laugh together reported high relationship satisfaction.

Is there anything you don’t feel comfortable joking about?

Setting your own boundaries and respecting your partner’s boundaries, whether they’re emotional or physical, is an essential aspect of any healthy relationship.

In her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab writes that boundaries are “expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships”. Everyone has different boundaries, so it’s vital to openly communicate each other’s needs in a relationship in order to safeguard them.

What have you learned from past relationships that has helped you in your current relationship?

Sometimes it’s not wise to talk about past relationships, as it could make your partner feel jealous or inferior.

However, researchers Michele Berk and Susan Andersen found that participants who felt positively about a previous partner would view others with similar qualities more favorably, than those who spoke about negative aspects.

What’s one thing your best friend has taught you about relationships?

Ever wanted to be a fly on the wall when your partner has a night out with friends? Dr. John Gottman believes that a strong predictor of relationship stability is how much partners know about each other’s “inner worlds”. This knowledge helps them to remain connected in stressful times, rather than becoming strangers to each other.

What hobbies or activities do you wish you had more time for together?

If you’ve ever imagined donning matching golfing attire, then now is the time. Psychologist Dr. Arthur Aron found that starting a new hobby or activity as a couple, allows your relationship to grow and become more satisfying. Especially when you win at a couple’s game!

What would the perfect day look like for you?

Do you plan a day with all your favorite things and then wonder why your partner looks miserable?

Research from the University of Virginia shows that couples who devote time to one another at least once a week are likely to enjoy higher-quality relationships and lower divorce rates.

Is there a memory of your childhood that you love the most?

Finding out more about your partner’s past can connect you in ways that just looking at your present-day lives can’t.

Sharing good and bad memories of your childhood will help you see why your partner has become the person they are today, and better understand each other’s approach to romantic relationships.

What’s the hardest truth about love you’ve had to accept?

Unfortunately, real-life love isn’t like fairy tales or romcoms (much to most of our disappointments). But once we start to align our expectations of love, we can move forward.

Dr. Terri Orbuch found that partners who can identify each other’s personal expectations experience greater happiness and less frustration in their relationship.

How does your partner inspire you?

Do they work all hours to live out their dream? Do they make you want to be a better parent? Researchers at George Mason University found that the more we idealize our partners, the more satisfied we are — and in return, our partners will often work to meet that ideal too.

If you only had a month left to live, what would you do?

This question gives you the chance to open up and talk about your hopes and dreams for the future, which has been shown to help couples bond. In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that a lot of conflict and resentment in relationships come back to unfulfilled dreams.

What area of our relationship would you like to improve?

It’s not easy to be open about areas of your relationship you may want to improve, but communicating how you can grow together is a positive move. In Kaplan and Maddux’s research on married couples, they found that couples who pursued goals together had more marital satisfaction.

If you won the lottery, what would you do with it?

Money issues are one of the biggest things that couples argue about, so knowing you and your partner are on the same page can bring some relief.

Researchers at the University of Michigan found that the happiest couples tend to spend money in a similar way, whether that’s saving or indulging.

Do you ever feel distracted during sex? What by?

Try and discuss this question with your partner without judgment — we all have daily stresses that get in the way of sexual desire. According to researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson, one way to concentrate during sex is “sensate focusing”. This is a technique where people focus on touching and being touched, taking information in through the senses while avoiding judgmental thinking. The goal is to be present and to experience sex in the moment.

If you’re looking for more questions to bond with your partner, Paired offers daily questions rooted in research to strengthen your relationship and improve communication.

Complete Article HERE!

10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex After 50

— Research shows that regular sexual activity comes with some unexpected health benefits

By Michelle Crouch

A quick romp in the hay doesn’t just feel good. It turns out that sex has advantages that go way beyond simple pleasure.

In fact, sexual activity with or without a partner is linked to some impressive, research-backed health benefits, says Kate Thomas, director of clinical services at The John Hopkins Sex and Gender Clinic. And, she noted, it’s not just for young people.

“Sex can be hugely beneficial for people as they get older, not only for the reported medical health benefits but for our psychological and emotional health,” Thomas says. “It can strengthen our relationships, promote self-esteem and improve our sense of identity.”

Here are 10 other surprising health benefits of sex.

1. Boosts immunity

Hopping in the sack on a regular basis may help boost your immune system and protect you from getting sick, studies show.

Researchers at Wilkes University in Pennsylvania found that college students who had sex one to two times a week had significantly more immunoglobulin A in their systems than people who had sex less often. Immunoglobulin A is an antibody in the mucosal membranes that is considered a first-line defense against infection.

Another study published in 2021 found that having sex more than three times a month seemed to offer a protective effect against COVID-19.

Researchers aren’t sure exactly why sex seems to drive up immunity, but Thomas said it may be because sex increases blood flow, helping to distribute antibodies throughout the body.

2. Improves heart health

Some men worry that sex could trigger a heart attack, but studies show that’s exceedingly rare, especially if you exercise regularly. In fact, the latest research shows that regular romps with your partner are linked to a lower risk of heart problems.

A large study published in The American Journal of Cardiology found that men who had sex at least twice a week were 50 percent less likely to die of heart disease compared with men who had it once a month. In another study, British researchers followed 914 men for 20 years and found that as sexual activity increased, the risk of stroke and heart attack decreased.

For women, a large analysis revealed that those who are satisfied with their sex lives are less likely to have peripheral artery disease, a condition that narrows the arteries and makes stroke more likely.

Researchers believe the protective effects stem from a variety of factors, including lower stress levels, improved sleep and the stronger connection to your partner that has been linked to sex.

3. Strengthens the pelvic floor

A study published in International Urogynecology Journal found that sexually active women were significantly more likely to have a strong pelvic floor compared with those who were not sexually active.

That’s probably because every time you have sex, you give the muscles in your nether regions a workout, Thomas says. When you’re aroused, muscle tension in the pelvic region naturally increases, Thomas explains. Then, during orgasm, all the muscles contract, just as they would during a Kegel exercise.

Having strong pelvic floor muscles gives you control over your bladder and helps prevent incontinence. In men, a weak pelvic floor can contribute to erectile dysfunction.

Another bonus to strengthening your pelvic floor: Researchers say it may make sex even more pleasurable.

4. Relieves headaches and other pain

Before you reach for an over-the-counter pain reliever, try an orgasm. Whether you have headaches, arthritis or another type of chronic pain, sex may offer relief, Thomas says.

One large observational study found that 34 percent of the patients had experience with sexual activity during an attack; out of these patients, 60 percent reported an improvement of their migraine attack and 33 percent reported worsening. Some patients, in particular male migraine patients, even used sexual activity as a therapeutic tool.

Another study found that vaginal stimulation in women elevated their pain tolerance by about 40 percent, while orgasm pushed it up nearly 75 percent.

Experts credit the release of feel-good hormones including endorphins, the body’s natural pain reliever.

5. Helps with symptoms of menopause

Regular sexual activity can help counteract the physical changes, such as vaginal dryness and atrophy, that come with menopause, says Amir Marashi, a gynecologist practicing in Brooklyn, New York.

Sex stimulates blood flow and helps keep vaginal tissues healthy, toned and stretchy. In fact, studies show the more you have sex, the healthier your tissues will be.

“Any organ that you bring more blood supply to, you keep it more youthful,” Marashi says. “A lot of patients come to me for hormonal replacement therapy. Before all of that, I say, ‘Make sure you get regular, consistent, good orgasms, because that’s going to help a lot.’ ”

6. Reduces the risk of prostate cancer

For men, several studies have revealed a link between frequent orgasm and a lower risk of prostate cancer. The prostate holds some of the fluid that is released at ejaculation.

One Harvard study of almost 32,000 men found that the more a man ejaculated, the lower his risk of the cancer. In fact, those who ejaculated more than 20 times per month reduced their prostate cancer risk by about 20 percent, compared with those who ejaculated four to seven times per month.

While the reason for the link isn’t entirely clear, experts believe that frequent turnover of the fluids in your prostate is likely good for you. “That way, you flush out more of the potential carcinogens that are there,” Thomas says. “Our system is designed to be flowing and replacing itself.”

7. Boosts mental health and relieves stress

A large body of research has found that sexual activity and intimacy are linked to lower rates of depression, anxiety and feelings of isolation, and that regular sexual activity can boost happiness and mood. One of the more recent studies published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine found that anxiety and depression scores were significantly lower in those were sexually active during the COVID-19 lockdown compared with those who weren’t.

“One of the top benefits of sex, particularly in the acutely stressful world in which we’re living these days, is its ability to immediately melt away built-up stress,” says Paul Hokemeyer, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in New York City.

When you have sex, your body releases a cocktail of hormones and neurotransmitters that “help calm us down and make us feel safe and secure in the world,” Hokemeyer explains.

8. Burns calories

Getting busy with your partner isn’t going to replace a session on the treadmill, but it does count as physical activity.

In a study published in the journal PLOS one, Canadian researchers found that men burned 101 calories on average during a 24-minute session, while women burned 69 calories. “These results suggest that sexual activity may potentially be considered, at times, as a significant exercise,” the authors wrote.

Of course, how many calories you actually burn depends on how long your session lasts and how vigorous it is. But even if your romp lasts only six minutes, the typical length of a session, that’s still better than doing nothing at all. The latest research on physical activity reveals that getting your heart rate up even for just a few minutes conveys health benefits.

9. Helps you sleep

If you tend to doze off after sex, there’s a scientific explanation. During sex, the body releases hormones such as oxytocin and prolactin that induce pleasant and relaxing feelings, Marashi says. Sex also reduces cortisol, which is associated with stress.

“This can cause someone to feel relaxed and drowsy and make it easier for them to fall asleep,” Marashi says.

In one study, about 63 percent of participants reported that it was easier to fall asleep after orgasm, and 71 percent of participants reported better sleep quality after orgasm. Despite common perceptions that men are the ones who roll over and start snoring after sex, there was no gender difference in the results.

If you struggle with sleep, try sex in lieu of a nightcap or sleep medication, Marashi advises.

10. Extends your life

You’re never too old to have sex, researchers say, and making it a regular part of your routine may be a tool to extend your life span.

In Ikaria, Greece — one of the regions of the world where people live significantly longer than average — more than 80 percent of people ages 65 to 100 are having sex, according to Blue Zones, an organization that researches the world’s longest-lived cultures.

A variety of studies have found a correlation between an active sex life and a longer life. For example, an observational study of 15,269 U.S. adults published in 2020 in The Journal of Sexual Medicine found that death rates were about 50 percent lower for those who had sex at least once a week, compared with those who rarely had sex.

Experts believe the lower risk of death likely stems from all the other known health benefits of sex, including better heart health, improved sleep, lower stress and a closer relationship with your partner.

Thomas and Marashi both stress that help is available if physical problems such as erectile dysfunction or vaginal dryness are keeping you from being sexually active.

“You may not be as frisky as you once were, but [sex] should still be a part of your identity,” Thomas says. “If there is pain or a lack of desire or another problem, there are people out there who can help.”​​

Complete Article HERE!

Sex Redefined

— The Idea of 2 Sexes Is Overly Simplistic

Biologists now think there is a larger spectrum than just binary female and male

By Claire Ainsworth

As a clinical geneticist, Paul James is accustomed to discussing some of the most delicate issues with his patients. But in early 2010, he found himself having a particularly awkward conversation about sex.

A 46-year-old pregnant woman had visited his clinic at the Royal Melbourne Hospital in Australia to hear the results of an amniocentesis test to screen her baby’s chromosomes for abnormalities. The baby was fine—but follow-up tests had revealed something astonishing about the mother. Her body was built of cells from two individuals, probably from twin embryos that had merged in her own mother’s womb. And there was more. One set of cells carried two X chromosomes, the complement that typically makes a person female; the other had an X and a Y. Halfway through her fifth decade and pregnant with her third child, the woman learned for the first time that a large part of her body was chromosomally male. “That’s kind of science-fiction material for someone who just came in for an amniocentesis,” says James.

Sex can be much more complicated than it at first seems. According to the simple scenario, the presence or absence of a Y chromosome is what counts: with it, you are male, and without it, you are female. But doctors have long known that some people straddle the boundary—their sex chromosomes say one thing, but their gonads (ovaries or testes) or sexual anatomy say another. Parents of children with these kinds of conditions—known as intersex conditions, or differences or disorders of sex development (DSDs)—often face difficult decisions about whether to bring up their child as a boy or a girl. Some researchers now say that as many as 1 person in 100 has some form of DSD.

When genetics is taken into consideration, the boundary between the sexes becomes even blurrier. Scientists have identified many of the genes involved in the main forms of DSD, and have uncovered variations in these genes that have subtle effects on a person’s anatomical or physiological sex. What’s more, new technologies in DNA sequencing and cell biology are revealing that almost everyone is, to varying degrees, a patchwork of genetically distinct cells, some with a sex that might not match that of the rest of their body. Some studies even suggest that the sex of each cell drives its behaviour, through a complicated network of molecular interactions. “I think there’s much greater diversity within male or female, and there is certainly an area of overlap where some people can’t easily define themselves within the binary structure,” says John Achermann, who studies sex development and endocrinology at University College London’s Institute of Child Health.

These discoveries do not sit well in a world in which sex is still defined in binary terms. Few legal systems allow for any ambiguity in biological sex, and a person’s legal rights and social status can be heavily influenced by whether their birth certificate says male or female.

“The main problem with a strong dichotomy is that there are intermediate cases that push the limits and ask us to figure out exactly where the dividing line is between males and females,” says Arthur Arnold at the University of California, Los Angeles, who studies biological sex differences. “And that’s often a very difficult problem, because sex can be defined a number of ways.”

The start of sex

That the two sexes are physically different is obvious, but at the start of life, it is not. Five weeks into development, a human embryo has the potential to form both male and female anatomy. Next to the developing kidneys, two bulges known as the gonadal ridges emerge alongside two pairs of ducts, one of which can form the uterus and Fallopian tubes, and the other the male internal genital plumbing: the epididymes, vas deferentia and seminal vesicles. At six weeks, the gonad switches on the developmental pathway to become an ovary or a testis. If a testis develops, it secretes testosterone, which supports the development of the male ducts. It also makes other hormones that force the presumptive uterus and Fallopian tubes to shrink away. If the gonad becomes an ovary, it makes oestrogen, and the lack of testosterone causes the male plumbing to wither. The sex hormones also dictate the development of the external genitalia, and they come into play once more at puberty, triggering the development of secondary sexual characteristics such as breasts or facial hair.

Changes to any of these processes can have dramatic effects on an individual’s sex. Gene mutations affecting gonad development can result in a person with XY chromosomes developing typically female characteristics, whereas alterations in hormone signalling can cause XX individuals to develop along male lines.

For many years, scientists believed that female development was the default programme, and that male development was actively switched on by the presence of a particular gene on the Y chromosome. In 1990, researchers made headlines when they uncovered the identity of this gene, which they called SRY. Just by itself, this gene can switch the gonad from ovarian to testicular development. For example, XX individuals who carry a fragment of the Y chromosome that contains SRY develop as males.

By the turn of the millennium, however, the idea of femaleness being a passive default option had been toppled by the discovery of genes that actively promote ovarian development and suppress the testicular programme—such as one called WNT4. XY individuals with extra copies of this gene can develop atypical genitals and gonads, and a rudimentary uterus and Fallopian tubes. In 2011, researchers showed that if another key ovarian gene, RSPO1, is not working normally, it causes XX people to develop an ovotestis—a gonad with areas of both ovarian and testicular development.

These discoveries have pointed to a complex process of sex determination, in which the identity of the gonad emerges from a contest between two opposing networks of gene activity. Changes in the activity or amounts of molecules (such as WNT4) in the networks can tip the balance towards or away from the sex seemingly spelled out by the chromosomes. “It has been, in a sense, a philosophical change in our way of looking at sex; that it’s a balance,” says Eric Vilain, a clinician and the director of the Center for Gender-Based Biology at the University of California, Los Angeles. “It’s more of a systems-biology view of the world of sex.”

Battle of the sexes

According to some scientists, that balance can shift long after development is over. Studies in mice suggest that the gonad teeters between being male and female throughout life, its identity requiring constant maintenance. In 2009, researchers reported deactivating an ovarian gene called Foxl2 in adult female mice; they found that the granulosa cells that support the development of eggs transformed into Sertoli cells, which support sperm development. Two years later, a separate team showed the opposite: that inactivating a gene called Dmrt1 could turn adult testicular cells into ovarian ones. “That was the big shock, the fact that it was going on post-natally,” says Vincent Harley, a geneticist who studies gonad development at the MIMR-PHI Institute for Medical Research in Melbourne.

The gonad is not the only source of diversity in sex. A number of DSDs are caused by changes in the machinery that responds to hormonal signals from the gonads and other glands. Complete androgen insensitivity syndrome, or CAIS, for example, arises when a person’s cells are deaf to male sex hormones, usually because the receptors that respond to the hormones are not working. People with CAIS have Y chromosomes and internal testes, but their external genitalia are female, and they develop as females at puberty.

Conditions such as these meet the medical definition of DSDs, in which an individual’s anatomical sex seems to be at odds with their chromosomal or gonadal sex. But they are rare—affecting about 1 in 4,500 people. Some researchers now say that the definition should be widened to include subtle variations of anatomy such as mild hypospadias, in which a man’s urethral opening is on the underside of his penis rather than at the tip. The most inclusive definitions point to the figure of 1 in 100 people having some form of DSD, says Vilain.

But beyond this, there could be even more variation. Since the 1990s, researchers have identified more than 25 genes involved in DSDs, and next-generation DNA sequencing in the past few years has uncovered a wide range of variations in these genes that have mild effects on individuals, rather than causing DSDs. “Biologically, it’s a spectrum,” says Vilain.

A DSD called congenital adrenal hyperplasia (CAH), for example, causes the body to produce excessive amounts of male sex hormones; XX individuals with this condition are born with ambiguous genitalia (an enlarged clitoris and fused labia that resemble a scrotum). It is usually caused by a severe deficiency in an enzyme called 21-hydroxylase. But women carrying mutations that result in a milder deficiency develop a ‘non-classical’ form of CAH, which affects about 1 in 1,000 individuals; they may have male-like facial and body hair, irregular periods or fertility problems—or they might have no obvious symptoms at all. Another gene, NR5A1, is currently fascinating researchers because variations in it cause a wide range of effects, from underdeveloped gonads to mild hypospadias in men, and premature menopause in women.

Many people never discover their condition unless they seek help for infertility, or discover it through some other brush with medicine. Last year, for example, surgeons reported that they had been operating on a hernia in a man, when they discovered that he had a womb. The man was 70, and had fathered four children.

Cellular sex

Studies of DSDs have shown that sex is no simple dichotomy. But things become even more complex when scientists zoom in to look at individual cells. The common assumption that every cell contains the same set of genes is untrue. Some people have mosaicism: they develop from a single fertilized egg but become a patchwork of cells with different genetic make-ups. This can happen when sex chromosomes are doled out unevenly between dividing cells during early embryonic development. For example, an embryo that starts off as XY can lose a Y chromosome from a subset of its cells. If most cells end up as XY, the result is a physically typical male, but if most cells are X, the result is a female with a condition called Turner’s syndrome, which tends to result in restricted height and underdeveloped ovaries. This kind of mosaicism is rare, affecting about 1 in 15,000 people.

The effects of sex-chromosome mosaicism range from the prosaic to the extraordinary. A few cases have been documented in which a mosaic XXY embryo became a mix of two cell types—some with two X chromosomes and some with two Xs and a Y—and then split early in development. This results in ‘identical’ twins of different sexes.

There is a second way in which a person can end up with cells of different chromosomal sexes. James’s patient was a chimaera: a person who develops from a mixture of two fertilized eggs, usually owing to a merger between embryonic twins in the womb. This kind of chimaerism resulting in a DSD is extremely rare, representing about 1% of all DSD cases.

Another form of chimaerism, however, is now known to be widespread. Termed microchimaerism, it happens when stem cells from a fetus cross the placenta into the mother’s body, and vice versa. It was first identified in the early 1970s—but the big surprise came more than two decades later, when researchers discovered how long these crossover cells survive, even though they are foreign tissue that the body should, in theory, reject. A study in 1996 recorded women with fetal cells in their blood as many as 27 years after giving birth; another found that maternal cells remain in children up to adulthood. This type of work has further blurred the sex divide, because it means that men often carry cells from their mothers, and women who have been pregnant with a male fetus can carry a smattering of its discarded cells.

Microchimaeric cells have been found in many tissues. In 2012, for example, immunologist Lee Nelson and her team at the University of Washington in Seattle found XY cells in post-mortem samples of women’s brains. The oldest woman carrying male DNA was 94 years old. Other studies have shown that these immigrant cells are not idle; they integrate into their new environment and acquire specialized functions, including (in mice at least) forming neurons in the brain. But what is not known is how a peppering of male cells in a female, or vice versa, affects the health or characteristics of a tissue—for example, whether it makes the tissue more susceptible to diseases more common in the opposite sex. “I think that’s a great question,” says Nelson, “and it is essentially entirely unaddressed.” In terms of human behaviour, the consensus is that a few male microchimaeric cells in the brain seem unlikely to have a major effect on a woman.

Scientists are now finding that XX and XY cells behave in different ways, and that this can be independent of the action of sex hormones. “To tell you the truth, it’s actually kind of surprising how big an effect of sex chromosomes we’ve been able to see,” says Arnold. He and his colleagues have shown that the dose of X chromosomes in a mouse’s body can affect its metabolism, and studies in a lab dish suggest that XX and XY cells behave differently on a molecular level, for example with different metabolic responses to stress. The next challenge, says Arnold, is to uncover the mechanisms. His team is studying the handful of X-chromosome genes now known to be more active in females than in males. “I actually think that there are more sex differences than we know of,” says Arnold.

Beyond the binary

Biologists may have been building a more nuanced view of sex, but society has yet to catch up. True, more than half a century of activism from members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community has softened social attitudes to sexual orientation and gender. Many societies are now comfortable with men and women crossing conventional societal boundaries in their choice of appearance, career and sexual partner. But when it comes to sex, there is still intense social pressure to conform to the binary model.

This pressure has meant that people born with clear DSDs often undergo surgery to ‘normalize’ their genitals. Such surgery is controversial because it is usually performed on babies, who are too young to consent, and risks assigning a sex at odds with the child’s ultimate gender identity—their sense of their own gender. Intersex advocacy groups have therefore argued that doctors and parents should at least wait until a child is old enough to communicate their gender identity, which typically manifests around the age of three, or old enough to decide whether they want surgery at all.

This issue was brought into focus by a lawsuit filed in South Carolina in May 2013 by the adoptive parents of a child known as MC, who was born with ovotesticular DSD, a condition that produces ambiguous genitalia and gonads with both ovarian and testicular tissue. When MC was 16 months old, doctors performed surgery to assign the child as female—but MC, who is now eight years old, went on to develop a male gender identity. Because he was in state care at the time of his treatment, the lawsuit alleged not only that the surgery constituted medical malpractice, but also that the state denied him his constitutional right to bodily integrity and his right to reproduce. Last month, a court decision prevented the federal case from going to trial, but a state case is ongoing.

“This is potentially a critically important decision for children born with intersex traits,” says Julie Greenberg, a specialist in legal issues relating to gender and sex at Thomas Jefferson School of Law in San Diego, California. The suit will hopefully encourage doctors in the United States to refrain from performing operations on infants with DSDs when there are questions about their medical necessity, she says. It could raise awareness about “the emotional and physical struggles intersex people are forced to endure because doctors wanted to ‘help’ us fit in,” says Georgiann Davis, a sociologist who studies issues surrounding intersex traits and gender at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, who was born with CAIS.

Doctors and scientists are sympathetic to these concerns, but the MC case also makes some uneasy—because they know how much is still to be learned about the biology of sex. They think that changing medical practice by legal ruling is not ideal, and would like to see more data collected on outcomes such as quality of life and sexual function to help decide the best course of action for people with DSDs—something that researchers are starting to do.

Diagnoses of DSDs once relied on hormone tests, anatomical inspections and imaging, followed by painstaking tests of one gene at a time. Now, advances in genetic techniques mean that teams can analyse multiple genes at once, aiming straight for a genetic diagnosis and making the process less stressful for families. Vilain, for example, is using whole-exome sequencing—which sequences the protein-coding regions of a person’s entire genome—on XY people with DSDs. Last year, his team showed that exome sequencing could offer a probable diagnosis in 35% of the study participants whose genetic cause had been unknown.

Vilain, Harley and Achermann say that doctors are taking an increasingly circumspect attitude to genital surgery. Children with DSDs are treated by multidisciplinary teams that aim to tailor management and support to each individual and their family, but this usually involves raising a child as male or female even if no surgery is done. Scientists and advocacy groups mostly agree on this, says Vilain: “It might be difficult for children to be raised in a gender that just does not exist out there.” In most countries, it is legally impossible to be anything but male or female.

Yet if biologists continue to show that sex is a spectrum, then society and state will have to grapple with the consequences, and work out where and how to draw the line. Many transgender and intersex activists dream of a world where a person’s sex or gender is irrelevant. Although some governments are moving in this direction, Greenberg is pessimistic about the prospects of realizing this dream—in the United States, at least. “I think to get rid of gender markers altogether or to allow a third, indeterminate marker, is going to be difficult.”

So if the law requires that a person is male or female, should that sex be assigned by anatomy, hormones, cells or chromosomes, and what should be done if they clash? “My feeling is that since there is not one biological parameter that takes over every other parameter, at the end of the day, gender identity seems to be the most reasonable parameter,” says Vilain. In other words, if you want to know whether someone is male or female, it may be best just to ask.

Complete Article HERE!

Is Solo Sex Hurting Your Relationship?

By Danielle Page

So you’ve got a steady partner—and they are great. But sometimes, you’ve just got to *ahem* take care of yourself. Is this normal?

Or maybe you’ve walked in on said great partner doing the same thing. That can feel awkward at best and like a betrayal at worst. But is it actually cause for concern?

According to experts, yes and no, respectively. While talking about masturbation with your S.O. may be more uncomfortable than that last set of burpees, there’s no reason for the topic to be taboo. In fact, relationship pros say solo-time can help make sex with your partner even better.

Common misconceptions about masturbation

Just because you’re coupled up doesn’t mean your partner suddenly becomes solely responsible for your orgasms (or vice versa). “From a physiological and psychological perspective, moderate masturbation is completely normal and should be viewed as a relational enhancement,” explains John Mayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist at Doctor On Demand.

“Unfortunately, rather than being seen as the gift that it is, masturbation has been hijacked by individuals and institutions who feel the need to control other human beings,” he says. That notion that you’re cheating on your boyfriend by using your vibrator? A total myth.

That notion that you’re cheating on your boyfriend by using your vibrator? A total myth.

And the benefits of masturbation go beyond sexual satisfaction. “Masturbation improves self-confidence, reduces stress, and helps you sleep better,” explains sexologist Emily Morse, creator and host of the podcast Sex With Emily. “These widespread benefits are largely unknown, so we often can’t understand why our partners would need to please themselves without us.”

Bottom line: If you or your partner like to experience pleasure on your own from time to time, it’s not because of something the other partner is—or isn’t—doing. “We often interpret their solo routine to mean that we don’t satisfy them,” says Morse. “Which means they must not be attracted to us anymore.” Not true.

When does going it solo become an issue?

While masturbation is a positive thing in so many ways, it can be an issue if it starts to come between you and your boo. “If masturbation is replacing connecting physically with your partner, then it could negatively impact the relationship,” says psychologist Rachel Needle, PsyD. “In addition, if someone is getting used to an idiosyncratic style of masturbation that is hard to be replicated by a partner, it could impact partnered sexual activities.” If this sounds familiar, it’s not a bad idea to incorporate a toy that’ll be fun for both of you—like a couples vibrator.

It’s also important to be mindful of your masturbation frequency. “If you find yourself too dependent on porn or masturbation to get off, it may cause you to be unable to get aroused by your partner,” says Morse. “If a person starts to escalate the amount of time or the graphic nature of the content, it can desensitize them to healthy intimacy with their partner.”

How to make room for masturbation in your relationship the *healthy* way

At its best, masturbation in a relationship keeps both partners primed for satisfying sex with each other. “Sex is something we need to practice,” says Dr. Mayer. “Masturbation shouldn’t take the place of sex with your partner—it should be viewed as practice for the big game.”

And people who masturbate on the reg actually have “higher levels of sexual satisfaction,” Morse adds. “The more you reinforce the benefits of masturbation as a couple and as an [individual], while continuing to communicate about your sex life, the better sex you’ll have.”

If your or your partner feels insecure because of the other’s masturbation habits—and trust, this happens to the best of us—Morse recommends talking it through. “Reassure them that your masturbation routine has nothing to do with your feelings for your partner, or your sexual satisfaction,” she says. “The more that you encourage the talk about your individual self-love practices in an open and honest way without judgment or shame, the better it will be for your relationship.”

Complete Article HERE!

I’m A Sex Coach & These Are The 4 Things I Always Teach Men About Consent

By Suzannah Weiss

There’s been a lot of awareness-raising done lately around women’s sexual empowerment, but not as much has been done for men. And based on my experience coaching men on their sex lives and teaching courses around pleasure and consent, efforts to sexually liberate men are very much needed.

Men come to me with questions about how to initiate sex and ask for consent, how to be sexually free and expressive without being perceived as threatening, and how to recover from their own sexual trauma. Based on their stories and concerns, it’s clear that our sex education system and wider culture fail men as much as women.

Men are taught from a young age that it’s their job to make sex happen, that they’ll miss out on opportunities if they aren’t aggressive enough, and that how many people they’ve slept with determines their worth. And yet they’re also taught that if they’re openly interested in sex, this makes them dirty, gross, or creepy.

I’ve seen these toxic messages hurt men’s self-esteem and their ability to form relationships. But I’ve also seen men learn how to safely embody their true sexual selves—and, in the process, see the light and good that were in their sexuality from the get-go.

To help men unlearn the damaging narratives they learn around their sexuality and replace them with healthier ideas, here are some things I like to teach men about consent—although they really apply to all of us:

1. Your consent matters, too.

Sex education, when it covers consent at all, often focuses on teaching men how to respect women’s boundaries and teaching women how to state and protect their own boundaries. There’s a major problem with this—and it’s not just the way it victim-blames women.

When men are only taught how to ask for consent from someone else, this misses the fact that their consent matters, too.

If you’re a man who’s been sexually assaulted—or experienced something that you’re not sure was completely consensual—this does not make you less of a man. On the contrary, it means you’ve had an experience that’s common among men. A 2005 study1

by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control found that one in six men had faced sexual abuse by the age of 18. In another survey, around one in 10 men said they’d experienced unwanted sexual contact during college. I’d venture to say that even more did but didn’t recognize it as such.

So, let’s be clear: The same things that are told to women also apply to men. You are never asking for sexual assault. You deserve to be taken seriously. If you say yes and then change your mind, you have the right to ask your partner to stop. Your partner needs to be honest with you about safer sex so that you can make an informed decision. It’s not OK for a partner to guilt you into sex.

And if you are assaulted, help is available. If you need someone to talk to, you can call the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network hotline or chat online with a counselor through the One in Six help line. These people are trained to take men’s (and everyone’s) reports seriously.

2. Consent can be felt in your body.

So often, men (and people of all genders, really) feel like they have to intellectualize consent. What I mean by this is they feel like they have to give a reason why they don’t want to do something. Or to justify why they do want something. 

Reasoning your way through consent can sound something like this:

  • “Of course I want sex; I’m a guy. Guys always want sex.”
  • “I might not get another opportunity if I don’t say ‘yes’ now.”
  • “I can’t think of a reason not to, so I guess I should.”

Someone may actually be feeling iffy about an encounter but enter into it anyway because, in their minds, the idea makes logical sense.

To figure out whether you truly consent—rather than just feeling like you should consent—I recommend tuning into your body and emotions. How are you feeling? Are you feeling excited by the prospect of engaging sexually with this person? Are you feeling uncomfortable? Scared? Confused? You might feel many things at once, and it’s a great idea to talk about these feelings with your partner.

If you’re not feeling completely comfortable with the encounter, it’s better to say no or suggest a different activity, then perhaps revisit the possibility again down the line. If there’s a connection with this person, there will probably still be one next week!

And remember, you don’t have to justify your boundaries to your partner or yourself. The feeling of a “no” in your body is enough to say no.

3. Asking for consent can be sexy.

All right, so now for the fun part.

Men often ask me how to ask for consent without ruining the mood or interrupting the flow. And there are plenty of ways to do that.

First, I recommend talking about your sexual desires and preferences before you reach the bedroom. This will make things go much more smoothly once things turn sexual. “How do you like to be kissed?” is a great question to ask a partner before things get physical, or right as they do. This gives them the opportunity to let you know what they enjoy, and you can gauge their interest based on how comfortable they are with the question.

A simple “can I kiss you?” by the way, isn’t at all unsexy. You can also initiate a kiss but rather than touching your lips to theirs, go halfway and see if they meet you.

Any straightforward question will work, really:

  • “Do you want my hand on your leg?” (“Do you want my ___ in/on your ____” is generally a good formula.)
  • “I’d like to stroke your hair; would you enjoy that?”

If the other person’s into it, describing what you’d like to do will be arousing for them, not awkward. And if they’re not aroused by it, you have your answer—and that was probably their answer before you asked.

When you start getting sexual with someone, another approach you can use is to make a game of asking for consent: “Do you want me to ___? Oh yeah? Beg for it.” “I’ll only do it if you ask nicely. So if you really want it, tell me ‘yes please.'” (Check out mbg’s full dirty talk guide.)

While you’re hooking up, a simple “You good?” or “Anything I can do to make it better?” will help ensure your partner’s consent is ongoing.

Don’t worry too much about how smooth your lines are. If someone’s into you and wants to sleep with you, they’re unlikely to turn you down just because you care about their consent.

4. Consent is not enough.

Even though I teach about consent, I believe we should have a higher standard for our sexual encounters.

Oxford Languages’ definition of consent is “permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.” Kind of weak, no? It doesn’t exactly sound like the state of someone who’s burning with passion and longing.

How about desire: “a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen”? That, to me, is what we should expect from our sexual encounters.

In other words, make sure you’re doing what you desire, not what you’re just OK with. And make sure your partner is clearly desiring the same.

In healthy sexual encounters, both people actively want to engage in whatever’s taking place. When one person is desiring it and the other’s simply agreeing to it, there’s an imbalance.

Everyone deserves sexual partners who are concerned not just with getting what they want themselves but listening to their partner’s desires, wishes, likes, and dislikes.

That goes for any partner you’ll ever have, and it goes for you.

Complete Article HERE!

If Your Sex is Goal Oriented, Then Expect Emotional Distance

— Here Is Why

Goal oriented sex creates emotional distance.

By Rene’ Schooler

“Men seek sex and hope for love. Women seek love and give sex.”

Patricia sits in my office crying, hands on her face, legs crossed, tears cascading down her cheeks as she sobs about Arthurs requests for sex and how she just is not interested.

“I love my husband, I really do, and that’s why I keep giving him sex as much as I can handle and pretend to enjoy it. I know that he needs it. I know that he wants it and that he is only happy if the goal is achieved.”

“And what goal is that?” I inquire.

“For us both to climax, to orgasm.” she responds.

Going on to tell me that he feels that this is a requirement of sex and that it is her duty to make sure that he achieves orgasm and that she does as well. As we speak over the course of multiple sessions, Patricia shares with me that her husband Arthur wants sex multiple times a day, most days, or at very least once a day. That the only times that he is okay with not having sex is when one of them is horribly ill and even then, it depends on what he deems as horribly ill, a migraine or sore throat is not on the list. She goes on to tell me that he wants each time to “sizzle” and be fresh and hot, saying that he wants adventure in their sex.

Over the years, like many couples Patricia and Arthur have gone through their fair share of life challenges with raising children, being a two-income household and working long hours to make ends meet and take care of responsibilities. They have fought about all the usual things and still proclaim to be committed and in love with each other, however as time goes on in my conversations with Patricia, I see that she is committed to loving Arthur but is not in love with him. She has bitterness and resentment toward him. She feels used and unseen, but like most women who have been in Patricias shoes she consistently chooses her wisest move of staying the course and allowing Artur his needs and wants without disagreement from her. She has invested over two decades into her marriage and does not want to do anything to cause issues, especially speaking up about her anger and pain or her needs with intimacy. And so, Patricia keeps giving Arthur what he wants and pretending it is all good to keep the peace.

THE TURN OFF OF ASKING FOR SEX

Rebecca and David came to me only three years into their marriage. David was frustrated that he was always the one to initiate sex as it seemed that Rebecca was either always too tired or just uninterested.

David asked for sex frequently only to be denied just as frequently by Rebecca. As I sat with the young couple and listened to their tale, I noticed that one of the main issues was that Rebecca had lost respect for her husband, she was not desiring him because he was acting out of neediness, and she knew that she could easily control him with sex.

“I work long hard days to support our growing family and future. I think she is stunning and sexy, and I just want to get close to her. I want to feel like she wants me too. Is it too much to ask that my wife want intimacy with me a few times a week?” inquires David.

“I work a part time job and take care of our one-year-old. I am exhausted at the end of the day and David comes homes, we have dinner, put Olivia down to bed, watch a show and then he says as we get into bed, ‘Can we have sex tonight?’ — it is such a turn off. Can’t he see that I am exhausted and not into it? Why does he ask like that? It’s like a kid in a store asking his mommy for candy…’Can I have this candy? PLEEAASSEE…” Rebecca says in disgust.

David goes on to share that he would not have to ask like that if she would just initiate when she was in the mood, but from his perspective she is never in the mood anymore and Rebecca’s rebuttal comes with the pain of feeling like she is just there to be his blow up doll as she says, he takes no interest in helping her with other things in the home or time to connect and speak to her about what’s happening in her work life or struggles of being a new mom. They don’t have time or money to get away from any connection and even though they eat out a lot, they no longer date.

WOMEN NEED TIME TO GET AROUSED — MEN NEED VISUAL STIMULATION

Monica and Henry started dating six months ago. They enjoyed being together, had lots of great conversations and laughter, spoke about longer-term goals together and were both feeling like this thing may really work out. They had waited to have sex until about a month in on dating seriously and like all first-time sexual encounters they had their mishaps and Henry’s stamina was not what either of them wanted it to be. Understanding, that this is often the case on the beginning side of intimate relationships, they both had patience and enthusiasm about learning each other and getting more familiar so that their sexual energy could be hot but also longer and steady. They shared about their sexual histories with each other, what they liked and did not like, what had worked well in the past and Monica was very vocal about her needs to take sex slowly, to build up with kissing and touching.

“I have told him repeatedly that I am not a light switch! You cannot give me a little peck of a kiss, rub some lube between my legs and stick it in and expect a miracle to happen.” she says in anger, going on to share, “it actually hurts me physically when he does that. Then he thinks that by slamming into me harder and faster that that is the trick. He pushes away from me, so he can watch my body, watch himself penetrating me, like it’s some live porn just for him, he grabs my breasts roughly and if I try and do anything he tells me to stop. He just really wants me to lay there and take it and somehow, he thinks that I am going to orgasm from this?”

Henry with eyes wide, “I had no clue. I thought she was liking it. The issue is that she takes so damn long to have an orgasm. I try everything and she won’t cum. I have never been with a woman like her before with these challenges.”

“How long do you two focus on foreplay typically and how long does your sexing last in total?” I inquire.

Monica rolls her eyes while Henry answers,” Foreplay maybe five to ten minutes and the same for the actual sex.”

“Are you aware that it takes a woman 20–40 minutes of foreplay, that’s kissing, touching, snuggling, oral sex, feeling loved and cared for physically to be ready for actual physical penetration? Without this her body takes physical damage. The lining of her vaginal walls can easily tear, she does not have adequate blood flow to her vagina, her clit, and her cervix is not soft and flexible. This is just the physical aspects. If we look at hormone response no healthy chemicals have dropped down to trigger arousal yet, and her emotional response is most likely armored as she is still thinking about everything else and also fearful that she won’t get the time to drop down into her body and connect to herself or you.”

THREE SEPARATE COUPLES TALES- ONE ISSUE

These three couples have all been together for different time frames. They have different levels of bonding with each other, and they all have their own unique wants in sexual relationship, however the common agendas you may see are:

  • Men focusing on a goal of orgasm through speed, action and frequency
  • Women focusing on intimate connection, slowing down, touch, laughter, courting and then letting that lead to orgasm potential

Men wonder why women have issues getting aroused after the honeymoon phase of the relationship ends, and that can be anywhere from six to eighteen months into a serious relationship where the new relationship energy (NRE) starts to wear off. The culprit is pretty simple:

    Men stop courting, stop romancing, stop applying themselves. They stop hunting the woman and connecting to her emotionally and mentally. They may stop doing all the things that they were doing even for themselves to make themselves more desirable or to feel confident and strong. In other words, men capture what they are going after and then turn their attention to the next hunt, which is not their woman any longer. This happens because men feel settled in the relationship and since men are linearly focused and compartmentalize everything, they believe that they can now change focus and the relationship will just maintain itself.
  • Women lose interest a lot quicker than men do it is shown in studies, but women once committed will stay the course of the relationship and put attention to building a family, a home or their career and forfeit the depth of intimacy or sexual arousal for the sake of security and to be cared for with a man. Women seek out love and security and they give sex to gain these things. As much as a woman desires orgasms and sexual pleasure, just like men do, women will disregard them and accept not having them to assure stability and overall relationship peace. When a woman is not being hunted by her mate any longer, when her mate stops trying to impress her with his strength, intelligence, manliness you could say, her desire and arousal dwindle. When she is not being courted and romanced, her sexual desire is limited and often will be buried for years without notice.
  • Women lie to their men about orgasm. Why? In studies it has been revealed that over 80% of coupled women do not have orgasms in their sex with their partner. The vast majority of women in the world understand that men believe that a few moans, some nails on the back, some laughter and deep breathing or hip rotating are signs of a woman having a “real O” and so they make use of this to make their man feel accomplished and then they take care of themselves when alone. It is again all about keeping the peace in the mind of the woman. Women know that they need time and attention to achieve the result their mate wants for them but is not willing to slow down and give, and so they train their man to believe that they only need five to fifteen minutes, no foreplay, no courting or romance.
  • Men have a tough time accepting, believing or even understanding that their sex is polar opposite from their female partner’s sex. Nature made us opposites in how we function, think, view the world, open to pleasure, emotionalize things and most certainly to our needs and wants sexually. For men sex happens outside of the body and is stimulated through visual stimuli, touch, sound, smell. It is an act that he can witness and feel control around. For women sex happens inside her body, she must allow and open up her body to her partner and trust that she will not be harmed. For her to feel him at all she must exit her mind and enter her heart allowing him in there as well with trust. A woman is stimulated through her mind and heart which causes an emotional response which leads her to her body.

Over and over again, I meet couples like these three I share here today with you and what I see is that disconnect and the expectation on both sides. I see the lack of integrity from the women out of fear of abandonment and hurting their partners ego’s. I see the men fearful of sinking in and letting themselves feel their hearts and become emotional with their woman out of fear that they will not have the stamina of even five minutes, so in turn they want their woman to sex like a man. I tell you though, this will never be. There are women out there that will argue these words and say that they are good with the quickie, that they don’t like or want foreplay or even courting. They will proclaim that they always have an orgasm. And some are being truthful, but the majority are hiding their pain because they are trying to live up to the new standard where women are to be men in all aspects of their lives: Including their sex.

And to this I say, how sad our world has become.

How doomed our intimate relationships are.

We claim to want connection.

To be loved and to love.

We say that we want integrity, intimacy and happiness.

And we have been brainwashed into believing that we can achieve these things with limited time, focus, dedication or commitment. That they will not and should not require us to go deeper within ourselves. Nor should we have to work at earning the trust of others’ vulnerability and we most certainly should not have to keep up the hunt, do the maintenance and ongoing work of having what we say we want and keeping it.

Complete Article HERE!