How to last longer in bed

— 20 ways for men to delay ejaculation

if you nearly always ejaculate after less than a minute of sex, you may be diagnosed with premature ejaculation.

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  • It’s common to feel like you want to last longer in bed, especially if you ejaculate prematurely.
  • To last longer in bed naturally, slow down movement and use condoms or the pause-squeeze method.
  • You can ask your doctor about pelvic exercises, numbing medications, Viagra, and SSRIs.

If you are worried that you finish too quickly in bed, you’re not alone — around one in three men in the US report having issues with premature ejaculation. It’s unclear why this happens, but scientists think it’s a combination of psychological and biological factors.

If you aren’t able to have sex for as long as you would like, there are several strategies that can help.

How to last longer during sex

If you are struggling with finishing too early, here are 20 things you can do that may help.

1. Get support from your partner

Getting support from your partner can be an important part of the process. “To begin with, tell your partner that you want to try lasting longer, and ask your partner if they’re interested in that,” says Vanessa Marin, MFT, a licensed sex therapist in private practice.

This may help your partner understand what’s going on and help you talk openly about any feelings of frustration. Once communication is open with your partner, you can discuss exactly what triggers your orgasm and try practicing the following methods.

2. Use condoms

Since premature ejaculation may be a result of hypersensitivity, using a condom is a simple solution that may make sex last longer. The condom forms a barrier around the penis that dulls sensation and may lead to delayed ejaculation.

3. Try desensitizing condoms

Desensitizing condoms come with numbing agents such as Benzocaine or Lidocaine that reduce sensitivity in the genitals and are designed to numb the penis during sexual activity

Although these numbing agents are safe and effective in countering premature ejaculation, side effects can include allergic dermatitis and penile gangrene.

4. Learn the pause-squeeze method

The pause-squeeze method can be done while having sex or masturbating and involves:

  1. Having sex until you feel that you are about to ejaculate.
  2. Then, pulling out and squeezing the tip of your penis for several seconds, or until the need to ejaculate passes.
  3. And finally, continuing to have sex and repeating the technique as needed.

“The theory is you stop the flow, let the penis rest, and then go back at it to increase your time,” Brahmbatt says.

Brahmbatt says that this can be one of the more difficult treatments for premature ejaculation because it takes a lot of self-control. Practicing repeatedly and communicating clearly with your partner may help ease the process.

5. Do pelvic floor exercises

Your pelvic floor muscles lie just below your prostate and your rectum, and just like other muscles, they can be strengthened through exercise. Experts believe that if pelvic floor muscles are too weak, it may be harder for you to delay your ejaculation.

To flex your pelvic floor muscles, act as if you are trying to stop yourself from peeing or passing gas and feel which muscles move. To tone these muscles, follow these steps:

  1. Tighten the pelvic floor muscles – you can lie down or sit if this makes it easier.
  2. Hold the muscles taut for three seconds.
  3. Relax the muscles for three seconds.
  4. Repeat the exercise as many times as needed.

To get good results, you should try to do three sets of 10 repetitions each day.

6. Slow down

Thrusting quickly creates intense stimulation and may make you more likely to orgasm after a short time. Thrusting quickly can also make it harder to recognize more subtle sensations in your body, and you may not realize that you’re getting close to orgasm, Marin says.

“Try to move at a slower pace and regularly take little breaks to move extra-slow,” says Marin. You may be surprised that some partners might like slower movement, especially at the start of sex.

Positions that limit your movement, like having your partner on top, can also be helpful because you aren’t able to lose control and start thrusting too quickly.

7. Change up positions

When you change positions, it requires you to take a bit of a break and slow your movements.

“You’re not getting as much stimulation during the transition, so it allows your body to cool off and get further from orgasm,” says Marin.

Positions where you can’t penetrate as deeply may also help, such as a spooning position where you are the “big spoon.”

8. Spend more time on foreplay

Spending more time on foreplay can help you last longer in bed. In a confidential survey conducted in the U.S about peoples’ experiences with orgasm, sexual pleasure and genital touching, more than a third responded that stimulation was necessary for orgasm.

9. Try edging

Edging is the process of getting right up to the edge of an orgasm, then stopping yourself to cool down before starting up again.

To last longer during sex, repeat the edging process as many times as possible, says Marin. Since you’re not allowing yourself to orgasm and taking periodic breaks, you’ll naturally last longer.

10. Masturbate before sex

Masturbating before sex can help you last longer since your body won’t be as sensitive to sexual stimulation, Marin says.

It may take some trial and error to find out how long before sex you should masturbate. Because if you masturbate right before sex, it might be difficult to get an erection again so soon. But if you orgasm too many hours beforehand, you might be completely reset by the time you have sex and ejaculate too quickly.

Basically, you want to find that sweet spot where you lower your stimulation but don’t kill your sex drive, Marin says.

11. Try sex toys

There are several ways sex toys can help you with premature ejaculation. You can use these toys to practice managing your orgasm by masturbating with them and stopping right before reaching orgasm.

On the other hand, sex toys could also be used to satisfy your partner if you cannot sustain an erection long enough for your partner to reach orgasm.

12. Distract yourself

Another option is to distract yourself with other thoughts, including something mundane like what you’ll eat for dinner or a movie you saw last week. This can help bring your mind away from the pleasurable sensations you’re having and may briefly delay ejaculation.

However, it may also take away from your enjoyment of sex and your intimacy with your partner. You can try and see if this method helps you last longer at certain times, but overall, remember to stay present and connected to your partner during sex.

13. Ask your doctor about numbing medications

Prescription numbing medications use ingredients like lidocaine and prilocaine, which generally come as creams or sprays that will decrease sensitivity and can be a helpful way to treat premature ejaculation.

Numbing creams or sprays should be carefully applied to the penis 20 to 30 minutes before sex to be most effective. You should also wash the cream away before having sex, so it doesn’t affect your partner.

“Make sure your partner knows you are using it — as a heads up and also to make sure they don’t have a history of allergic reaction or problem with its use,” Brahmbatt says.

14. Talk to a professional about your diet and weight

Although a poor diet is not directly linked to premature ejaculation, having the right diet can help prevent metabolic syndrome (MetS), which could be involved with premature ejaculation (PE).

MetS is a health condition which raises the risk of several diseases such as diabetes, coronary heart disease, stroke and other serious health issues. This is associated with health problems such as obesity, high blood pressure and blood sugar levels, high blood triglycerides and low HDL cholesterol.

In a study on the relationship between MetS and PE, the analysis revealed that MetS components can significantly affect sexual performance due to premature ejaculation. Studies are not conclusive on why MetS affects PE exactly, but it may involve hormones, depression, and vitamin deficiencies.

15. Take Viagra

Though sildenafil (Viagra) is usually prescribed to treat people who have trouble keeping an erection, research shows that it can help with premature ejaculation as well.

A 2007 study found that Viagra helped men with premature ejaculation last longer and was more effective than the stop-squeeze technique. At the end of the study, 87% of subjects using Viagra said they wanted to continue this treatment, compared with 45% of subjects using stop and squeeze.

16. Talk to your healthcare provider or a sex therapist

Talking to your healthcare provider can help review your health history and determine which of the above options are best for you.

A sex therapist can also be a valuable resource, especially if you think your premature ejaculation is linked to an issue like anxiety or lack of experience.

For example, sex therapists can help you identify your emotions before or during sex that may be affecting how quickly you orgasm or help teach you how to do kegel exercises to strengthen your pelvic floor.

17. Take the focus off of penetration

Focusing more on foreplay and less on penetration can help you last longer for several reasons.

For one, you’re likely to be taking breaks to change positions or to attend to your partner.

It also gives you opportunities to employ techniques like the pause-squeeze method.

Plus, by delaying penetrative sex, you’re prolonging the build up to orgasm, similar to edging, which can make climaxing feel more intense.

18. Take a deep breath

Taking a moment during sex to breathe deeply can actually stop your body’s reflex to ejaculate.

Deep breathing also forces you to slow the rapid breathing and heart rate associated with reaching climax.

19. Do yoga regularly

Adopting a regular yoga practice may help people struggling with premature ejaculation.

A review of yoga’s potential effects on sexual dysfunction points out that it’s been found to improve overall sexual health by regulating hormones, which influence performance in bed.

The review also claims that yoga’s emphasis on mindfulness and bodily discipline can help people struggling with premature ejaculation gain more control and self-awareness around how they experience pleasure and their ejaculatory functions.

In one study, men who were taught how to integrate yoga and breath regulation into their lifestyles for one month were better able to prolong ejaculation compared to men who tried a stop-start technique.

20. Ask your doctor about taking an SSRI

The presence of more serotonin in the brain has been shown to slow down ejaculation.

If you continue to struggle with premature ejaculation after trying other methods, your doctor may prescribe a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) like dapoxetine (brand name Priligy).

However, it’s important to note that research around SSRIs and premature ejaculation is ongoing, and you may actually benefit more by combining an SSRI with other methods or medications:

  • In a 2019 analysis, Paroxetine (Paxil) was also shown to improve premature ejaculation, and it was found to be even more effective when combined with behavior therapy or tadalafil (Cialis), a drug used for erectile dysfunction.
  • In one 2021 clinical trial, tadalafil combined with either paroxetine or dapoxetine was found to be more effective at treating premature ejaculation than either SSRI taken alone.

How long does the average person last during sex?

According to a 2005 study conducted across five countries, vaginal sex generally lasts for around 5 to 6 minutes.

That’s a lot shorter than what the adult film industry often depicts: sex going on for hours, which can give a false idea of how long sex should last, says Jamin Brahmbhatt, MD, a urologist at the Orlando Health Medical Group Urology PUR clinic.

However, it’s important to note that there’s no correct amount of time for sex to last, and it’s up to you and your partner to decide the optimal time for you both.

What causes premature ejaculation?

It’s common for men to finish too quickly once in a while, but if you nearly always ejaculate after less than a minute of sex, you may be diagnosed with premature ejaculation.

It may be difficult to pinpoint exactly why this happens to you, but here are some common culprits:

  • Psychology: Studies show that anxiety, particularly anxiety about your sexual performance, is linked to premature ejaculation. Feeling depressed, stressed out, or guilty can also make you more likely to finish quickly. Men may also experience premature ejaculation at higher rates if they have poor body image or are victims of sexual abuse.
  • Experience: Your level of sexual experience can also affect how long you last in bed. “Men may also climax faster if they are not having sex often or this is their first time engaging in any sexual activity,” Brahmbhatt says.
  • High amounts of free testosterone: Studies show that men with premature ejaculation tend to have higher levels of free testosterone, which can lead to symptoms like loss of energy and low sex drive. However, scientists say that more research is needed to determine why this is the case.
  • Hyperthyroidism: Premature ejaculation can also be caused by hyperthyroidism, a condition in which the thyroid gland in your neck produces too much of a hormone called thyroxine. Researchers aren’t sure why thyroid issues affect your sex stamina, but after being treated for hypothyroidism, men are much less likely to experience premature ejaculation.

Insider’s takeaway

Premature ejaculation is common, and it can cause difficulties in your sex life or relationships. Luckily, however, there are many methods to last longer in bed, including medications, physical exercises, and sexual techniques.

You may also want to talk to your partner about the issue so that you can work on it together. And if all else fails, consider seeing a doctor or sex therapist who can help you navigate the process.

Complete Article HERE!

Should Sex Be Funny?

Laughter in the bedroom can enhance or seriously kill the mood. Here’s how to achieve comedic bliss.

As long as you’re both laughing, your hilarious sex life is fine

By Kirk Miller

For something we think about so much, nobody really focuses on the truth that sex is… well, fucking ridiculous.

The sounds. The smells. The vocabulary (say “balls” and try not to laugh).

So should we embrace the bedroom absurdity or ignore it?

I’m not equipped to answer this question — and yes, if you read “equipped” in an article about sex and slightly chuckled, you are me. So I cast a wide net, talking to comedians, podcasters, adult film stars, sexologists, therapists and other professionals of all persuasions, ages and gender identities to figure out if and when you can bring humor to bed.

My mission did not start well. “I don’t even understand what you’re asking,” said a former sex editor for InsideHook (I’ll take her answer as a “no.”) But that reticent editor did put me in touch with Courtney Kocak, a writer who co-hosts a podcast called Private Parts Unknown, which tackles sexuality around the world in ways both funny and serious.

“Humor absolutely belongs in the bedroom,” says Kovacs. “Sex is primal and sometimes awkward. I mean, c’mon, you can’t take yourself too seriously while engaged in a position called “doggy style.” Plus, our bodies tend to keep us humble with a queef, a guttural moan, or a ridiculous O-face — some of those moments are genuinely funny. Occasionally dirty talk is laugh-out-loud hilarious. Allow yourself to be authentic and laugh if something funny happens in the sack. Otherwise, you’ll miss out on the wonderful intimacy that comes from being vulnerable.”

Vulnerability is a key point here — as many people I talked to were quick to mention, humor does not lead to demeaning or laughing at someone.

“Obviously, laughter can be an expression of discomfort,” says Emme Witt, a sex and relationships writer who’s also an experienced dominatrix. “I was once laughed at for masturbating during sex because a man was unable to make me orgasm through penetration. I wasn’t too happy about that. He was laughing. I wasn’t. The relationships ended.”

However, there can be a place for mockery, if specifically requested. Notes Witt: “As a pro-domme, I’ve also had clients request humor in our sessions. They want to be laughed at because they enjoy being degraded to give me pleasure. Laughing, therefore, is a fetish in and of itself.”

“Unless it’s a negotiated kink scene and everyone is on board or you are 100% confident that your partner is okay with it in a sexual setting, I typically tell people that body image, abilities, intellects and identities are off-limits for teasing,” adds Amy Julia Cheyfitz, a sex therapist and BDSM educator in the D.C. area (Cheyfitz also admits that, in her own life, she’s a fan of “good-natured, silly teasing” and, in the best answer I received, “Having a weak spot for terrible puns.”)

Humor actually might be the only way a relationship can thrive. “There is almost no way a couple can sustain a long-term, fun and healthy sex life without a sense of humor,” says Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus, a therapist with a specialization in sexual health and the former clinical director of the largest independent women’s sexual health center in the U.S. “Sex, at its best, puts all of us in awkward, odd and sometimes downright embarrassing situations. If it isn’t, you are probably stuck in a boring rut. So one of the first things I do with couples in normalizing all of this and ask them to tap into the humor or sex, let go and learn to ‘play.’”

Unfortunately, there aren’t many examples we can easily point to where sex and humor collide in a way that’s, well, fun and stimulating. “Media often portrays sex in a one-dimensional way, serious and seductive, and it can be, but that’s not the only expression,” says Natasha Marie Narkiewicz, a sexual wellness expert and head of communications at MysteryVibe. “It’s important that people feel empowered to express themselves in ways that are authentic and reflective of their life experiences and not conform to a model.”

Still, laughter can go both ways — it can be a sign of euphoria or complete comfort, or a signal that one partner is nervous or unsure. “Laughing during sex can be a good indication of satisfaction, pleasure and overall happiness,” says Amber Shine, an ACS Certified Sex Educator and media manager at XFans Hub. “It can be triggered while you and your partner are teasing one another verbally or physically, perhaps including an inside joke, or even when something silly happens in the heat of it all – which is not a bad thing. But if jokes are used to cover up nervousness, performance anxiety, or worse, to shame the other person, then it’s best to keep them at bay and focus on the deed.”

So, what specifically is funny during sex? Almost everyone I spoke with mentioned sounds or unintended bodily functions. “Humor allows us to laugh at funny sounds like queefs, farts and sweaty bodies smacking together rather than being consumed by self-consciousness around having human bodies,” says Yael R. Rosenstock Gonzalez, an intimacy, relationship and identity coach/educator (and founder of Sex Positive You). “Besides, when sex is taken too seriously, it adds a level of stress. It becomes performative rather than pleasure-focused.”

So far, these seem like pretty simple rules to follow. However…“You do have to be careful,” warns Valentina Bellucci, a porn and fetish performer. “If you are more comfortable in bed than your partner, then you might kill the vibe even with one joke. But if you are with someone who is very confident and you both have a great relationship and can talk and joke about everything, you can move it to the bedroom and make jokes from time to time. It can be something that makes you laugh, role-playing or acting as if you were in a porn parody scene.”

So what ruins it for Belluci? “Very often I pick up a part of a song or a line from a movie and joke about it during the day. My partner knows exactly what it is and when we start having sex, all it takes is him repeating this one sentence and he knows I will not stop laughing for two or three minutes. When he does it during sex, it’s even worse because I have to stop. But when he does it when I’m close to orgasm, I have extremely mixed emotions because I can’t be mad at him because he made me laugh but also I’m pissed off because I know I was about to cum.”

Complete Article HERE!

How to have phone sex

— the ultimate guide to dialed-up dirty talk

Not sure how to have phone sex? These steamy tips and techniques will turn your smartphone into a hotline

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Talking provocatively and erotically to a lover can help build intimacy and bonding, but sometimes we can’t find the words for it, particularly when in person. That’s why some people prefer the convenience of phone sex as an accessible way to turn each other on.

Phone sex between consenting adults can be tied in with an existing relationship, whether long distance or otherwise, and other times it can be enjoyed between two individuals through paid services.

But it can be difficult to enjoy the phone-bone experience if you don’t know how to have phone sex confidently.

Thankfully, we’ve got some our best sex tips from Alison Sparks (opens in new tab), a professional phone-sex worker, that couples could use to dial up the dirty talk during those telephonic moments. “I know that phone sex can feel awkward at first to a lot of us, but after some practice, it can really spice things up,” Sparks says.

Introducing the idea of phone sex

Sexologist Marla Renee Stewart—co-author of The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay (opens in new tab) and Sex Expert for the My Fantasy App (opens in new tab)—suggests when first introducing a partner to the idea of phone sex that using compliments and positive reinforcement can help.

“Give them positive reinforcement, such as ‘I love your voice and when you speak sexy to me, it gets me really hot. What do you think about us having phone sex the next time we’re away from each other?'” Stewart says.

Phone sex foreplay is important

Sparks suggests that you should set the mood with some phone-call foreplay. Like intercourse, “you don’t just jump in during phone sex. Tell your partner how and where you would caress them, how and where you would kiss them, what do you want them to imagine at that moment…when you work on building up the tension, that big O will be way better.”

Some frisky phrases to get you started:

Not sure how to kick off your sultry convo? Here are a few easy sentences that you can throw into your chat.

“That turns me on so much.”

“Keep going.”

“I like when you do that.”

“I want you”

“I so wish I could feel you inside me.”

“My body is aching for you.”

“I want to stroke you hard and fast.”

“I bet you taste so good right now.”

“I really like it when I get to hear you moan.”

If you’re adding hands-on play to the conversation, remember to tell your partner specifically what you’re doing. I.e., “I’m touching myself and it feels so warm, wet or hard.”  And make sure to ask them what they’re doing or what they want, too.

What to do when it’s not working

If you’re struggling to set the mood or it suddenly goes dead, Sparks recommends telling your partner about a sexy dream you’ve had of them, sharing one of your sexual fantasies or even telling them of a hot memory you have of them.

“Be open about your fantasies, things you’d like to explore, and let your imagination run wild. Nothing quite ruins the mood like being tongue-tied because you feel like your partner will judge your kinks,” she says.

Some of us process sexual stimulation in different ways, and Stewart says this is because “some folks might be open to the idea and most likely if they’re not, it’s probably because they are more visual or tactile and less auditory.” Focusing on different stimulation styles can help when traditional phone sex isn’t working. (Check out our guide to sex emojis if you want to add cheeky visuals to your conversation.)

Don’t forget: it takes two

Sparks says phone sex shouldn’t be one-sided—when it gets really hot, both parties involved should be conversing erotically, rather than one party talking and the other just listening.

However, “don’t be afraid to take control of the conversation,” she adds. “It’s not set in stone that one person has to be in charge and the other one just has to listen. You can take turns in directing your fantasy until you are both feeling hot and heavy!”

Just like other shared sexual experiences, phone sex can be intense and can necessitate aftercare. Checking in with your partner afterward can give you both an opportunity to share what turned you on and if anything turned you off. Happy dialing!

Complete Article HERE!

Top 5 NSFW sites to learn what porn didn’t teach you

From literal “eduporn” to scientifically-backed demonstrations.

By Mashable SEA

In the United States, sex education is pretty poor; some states don’t require it at all. Because of this, porn often replaces proper sex education — which is a disservice to everyone.

Porn is a filmed performance. Everyone is positioned so all is on display, so sexual acts often look different than they do in real life (cunnilingus is just one example — givers don’t stick their entire tongue out IRL!). Most of the time, porn doesn’t show the intimacy, variety, and awkwardness that real sex has.

If you’re an adult and feel like your bedroom knowledge is lacking, you’re not alone — and there are resources tailor-made for you. They happen to be NSFW in that they show naked bodies and talk about sexy topics, but they’re not exactly what you’d find on Pornhub, either. Here are five NSFW sites to teach you what porn didn’t.

1. Eduporn by Afterglow

Cost: US$2.99 for a day, US$9.99/month, or US$69 for a year (US$5.75/month)

Who’s it for: People who want to watch porn and learn

Women-owned ethical porn site Afterglow has a series within the site called Eduporn. As the title may suggest, it’s the most porn-like of this list and incorporates explicit scenes along with tips. Your teachers are adult performers themselves, so they entertain as well as educate.

There are various “how to” eduporns to choose from on Afterglow, like how to have sex when you have a disability and how to have sex outdoors. It’s less technical than the subsequent options, but these go into practical tips on exploring sex. There are also some basics, such as “how to hook up” and “how to have sex with a woman.”

For those interested, Afterglow has straight-up porn options as well; the price includes the whole site, not just Eduporn.

2. Beducated

Cost: US$24.99/month if billed monthly, US$16.67/month or US$199.99 if billed annually

Who’s it for: People who want an extensive menu of sexy topics to dig into

Beducated is like a Coursera for sex; there’s a wide range of modules that dive deep into topics, not single videos. When you sign up, you list your sexual interests (and what you don’t want to see, which is a nice touch) and your demographics (age, sexuality, and relationship status). From there, you can explore sections like recommended for you, most popular, and based on interests you picked when signing up.

Beducated has modules for all types of activities, from learning basic sexual acts like cunnilingus and fellatio, to education on emotional wellbeing like how to navigate non-monogamy, to more advanced teachings like around kink and BDSM.

3. Climax

Cost: US$29 to US$227

Who’s it for: People who want researched approaches to sex and tantra

Climax is a video-based platform that breaks down vulva pleasure techniques based on scientific research. Climax pulled together insights from 74 sexual health and pleasure studies for their first two seasons, on external and internal pleasure respectively. Climax also conducted a survey of around 100 cis women and interviewed sex therapists and tantra teachers. The latter is especially helpful for their third season, all about tantra exercises.

Each season is a series of videos with different pleasure techniques. While not very porn-y, you do see a lot of vulva. For the scientifically inclined, Climax regularly includes statistics from their third-party research and surveys.

4. OMGYES

Cost: from US$49 to US$119

Who’s it for: People who want a scientific approach to learning about pleasuring vulvas

In partnership with Indiana University and the Kinsey Institute, OMGYES conducted a large-scale study — a staggering 20,000 women, ages 18 to 95 — to understand specific techniques that are pleasurable to vulvas. These techniques are distilled into three seasons (as of this publication): essentials, inner pleasure, and toy techniques. Within each season are a breakdown of pleasure techniques, with SFW explainer and NSFW demonstration videos and written descriptions. For many of these techniques, there are also research statistics and illustrated diagrams, and sometimes even video stimulations that you can “pleasure” with your computer mouse.

OMGYES has given me names for techniques I myself enjoy, and proves that I’m not alone in techniques. You will see lots of vulvas and breasts, but OMGYES is pretty scientific in nature.

5. Kenneth Play’s Sex Hacker Pro Course

Cost: US$247

Who’s it for: Straight cis-men or anyone who wants to learn more about vulvas and “sex hacking”

Kenneth Play is a sex educator and “hacker” whose expertise has been cited in Mashable. Sex Hacker Pro has the highest price point of this list and very much geared towards straight cis men learning about how to please their cis women partners. The beginning of the course, for example, goes over vulva anatomy and orgasms. Even if you’re not cishetero, though, there’s plenty of great information here beyond the basics like the neuroscience of sex and how mindfulness plays a part as well.

Play takes a no-nonsense approach when going over the fundamentals and delving into pleasure “hacks” like tantra and kink. Play himself and various partners demonstrate these sex moves like oral, anal, and squirting.

If you want to brush up on or improve your skills in the bedroom, try these sites instead of Pornhub.

Complete Article HERE!

Five tips for navigating an open relationship

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Dipping a toe into the world of polyamory for the first time can be equal parts exciting and daunting.

But with a recent survey by Lovehoney finding that one in four Brits say they would consider an open relationship (27%), it’s not that uncommon a desire.

Whether you know you want to give it a try or you’re just curious, Ness Cooper, a sexologist at The Sex Consultant, has got five key tips on successfully navigating an open relationship.

Establish the boundaries of your open relationship

First things first: set those ground rules.

‘Learn about which roles you have within your relationship dynamic,’ says Ness.

‘Are you opening up your relationship to have multiple romantic partners, or are you hoping that you and your partner just see others for causal sex and erotic play?’

Communication is key

Boundaries are unlikely to be a one-time, one-size-fits-all conversation.

‘Communication about boundaries is vital,’ explains Ness, ‘but it is also important to understand that different partners will often have different boundaries.

‘Everyone will have varied sexual and relational boundaries, and learning about these can help avoid upsetting the relationship dynamics you have going on.’

Respect each other’s privacy

There’s a difference between secrecy and privacy.

Ness explains: ‘Some individuals may be happier to talk or hear about their partner’s connection with other play partners than others.

‘It is therefore important to understand exactly what your partner is comfortable with hearing.’

Talk about time management

Adding people to your love life means you’ll be juggling even more in your calendar.

‘It can be easy to mismanage time between multiple partners or even time away for casual hook-ups,’ says Ness.

‘Making a schedule with your primary partner [if you have one] and other partners is key to avoiding jealousy and double booking date nights and other intimate activities.’

Ensure you discuss safety

Another vital logistical aspect of opening up a relationship is talking safe sex.

‘It is important to also consider safey aspects,’ says Ness, ‘from meeting new play partners to using safe sex methods such as condoms, it’s important you have these discussions with your partner when opening up your relationship.

‘Getting screened for STIs regularly can also be helpful to add reassurance.’

Complete Article HERE!

What is BDSM?

Your Queer Guide to Kink, Domination, Bondage, and More

Queer sex experts answer your most commonly asked questions about BDSM.

By

Okay, first things first: BDSM is hot, and I’m not the only one who thinks so. Just look at the latex, leather, and chain outfits featured in Fashion Week collections earlier this year. BDSM has long had an aesthetic influence on fashion and pop culture, and while you might think of it as a niche set of sexual practices, it’s a more common fantasy than you might think.

For those unfamiliar with the term, BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. But it goes far beyond those acts, and more broadly stands as an umbrella term for a wide array of sexual behaviors, play, and relationships that center on power and control.

“It involves playing around with and often subverting power dynamics,” sex educator and pro-domme Goddexx Haru tells Them. “It’s consensual, meaning all parties understand what they’re getting into and communicate throughout to make sure that everyone feels okay during and after a scene.”

As with all umbrella terms, BDSM is open-ended and ever-evolving. It can include a variety of acts and behaviors, from pain play to bondage to humiliation, and has expanded to capture the multiplicity of ways that consenting adults explore power dynamics. People may also engage in more immersive forms of play like lifestyle BDSM, a practice in which people integrate kink into their daily life from small things like being expected to clean the house for their dom(me) to wearing a leash and being walked around the block by their dom(me). 

Have you ever fantasized about having your partner tie you up or smack your butt during sex? Maybe you’ve thought more than once about telling your partner what to do, inside and outside of the bedroom. If so, certain aspects of BDSM may be right up your alley. However, you may still have concerns before diving into the world of kink. 

Read on for answers to the most common questions people have about BDSM: What does BDSM stand for? What types of BDSM are there? How do I set boundaries before getting started? What is a safeword? Is BDSM Queer? And how do I get started?

What does BDSM stand for?

BDSM is an initialism of Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. For those unfamiliar, here is what these terms roughly mean:

Bondage: The most well-known kind of bondage is being tied up by or tying up a partner with handcuffs, ropes, tape, or other materials, such as belts. Other forms of bondage include using restraints like latex masks, ball gags, genital cages, and other equipment. The act of binding your partner or being bound during play are ways to experiment with power dynamics and trust.

Discipline: In the context of sex, discipline involves one person conditioning another person to behave to their liking through rewards and punishment. This look like many acts, such as slapping a sub for moaning or making noise during sex to pleasuring a sub for begging for a specific sexual act.

Domination: Acts through which a dominant, or dom(me) for short, controls their submissive, or sub. Domination can include inflicting pain, using verbal insults, and other forms of conditioning. This can look like a dom(me) hitting a sub, using tools like floggers, and demeaning them.

Submission: Submission refers to acts wherein a submissive succumbs to the will of their dom(me). Subs may show their dominant they’re in control by verbally affirming their dom(me), pleasuring their dom(me) by doing sexual acts they enjoy, or allowing their dom(me) to inflict pain on them.

Sadism: Sadism is when one experiences sexual pleasure by inflicting physical pain or humiliating another person. For example, a dom(me) may get off on hitting their partner or inflicting other forms of physical pain on them through biting, cutting, or whipping.

Masochism: Masochism is when one feels sexual pleasure from being subjected to pain or experiencing humiliation. Subs may experience sexual gratification from being hit or bound by their dom(me) or being insulted and degraded.

These are phrases that describe interpersonal dynamics between consenting parties; some people prefer to be in control (dominating others), while others may prefer to give control to others (being submissive).

How BDSM looks in practice depends on the wants, needs, and comforts of all involved. Some people choose to engage in bondage only, while some hate the feeling of restraint but want to explore impact play. Some others might hate pain but love the feeling of losing control. BDSM is a spectrum that everyone can interact with in their own way, whether privately at home with their partners, at kink clubs, or with professional dom(me)s, making the possibilities endless and exciting.

“To me, BDSM is an umbrella term for many different kinks, dynamics, fetishes, etc,” Carly S., a pleasure educator for Spectrum Boutique, tells Them. “Having my own kinks outside of vanilla sex brought me to the scene. It’s also really empowering to find a community of like-minded perverts. You can much more easily find play partners, friends, or more when you find the part of the community you vibe with the most.”

What types of BDSM are there?

Illustration of a mustachioed person applying mascara.
People often assume I’m uber-masculine just because I’m a Dom. There’s way more to me underneath the leather.

Having read this far, you can see why this is a difficult question to answer. While the initialism of BDSM stands for certain words, the umbrella nature of the community extends to cover such a vast ground of kink and play that it would be impossible to list all the types.

“Oh, there’s too many ways to engage with BDSM to even count honestly,” Fucktoy Felix (link NSFW), a queer porn performer, tells Them. “Some people are more into the bondage. Some people are more into the discipline and control. Some people emphasize the dynamic between dominance and submission more, for others it’s all about pain play with sadism and masochism. A lot of people blend a lot of these. There’s also a lot of kink and fetish content that lies outside what most would consider ‘BDSM’ altogether.”

Basically, there are as many ways to play with BDSM as there are leaves under the sun. Some examples include:

Shibari: An artistic form of bondage that originated in Japan, consisting of a partner tying up their submissive with colorful ropes in intricate patterns.

Pain Play: Sex that involves intentional pain inflicted by a partner or yourself. This can include spanking, biting, hitting, and scratching, among other acts that involve tools like whips, floggers, and paddles.

Humiliation: Degrading a partner and attacking their self-worth through insults and sometimes psychological torture. It is often paired with physical aspects of BDSM such as bondage or pain play.

Lifestyle BDSM: The act of involving BDSM in your everyday life, not just your bedroom. Lifestyle BDSM can range from having a partner tell you how to dress and what to order at a restaurant to being locked in a kennel when your dom(me) is away.

Sometimes BDSM doesn’t even need to include sex or sexual activities. “Since BDSM is really an umbrella term for a lot of different kinks and fetishes, there are equally as many variations in how people play,” Carly says. “For example, some scenes might not involve sex at all, and others might be focused on sexual activities.”

Don’t let the stereotypical depictions of BDSM in films like 50 Shades of Gray deter you from thinking your particular interests aren’t part of the umbrella. “On film, I tend to do heavy bondage including suspensions, unusual forms of punishment such as waterboarding or more traditional corporal, etc. but there’s an extremely short list of people I trust to perform those kinds of acts with,” Charlotte Sartre, an adult performer and director for Kink.com, tells Them. “At home, I’m absolutely submissive to my current partner, but I’m not being hung by my ankles and electrocuted in my free time.”

How do I set boundaries before getting started? What are safewords?

As always, you should talk with whoever you are going to engage in BDSM with beforehand. Have a chat about your shared desires, your hard boundaries, boundaries you feel like you can push, and ways you would like to communicate during sex. That could include choosing a safeword to say if you need to stop sexual activities, or using something like the traffic light system, where you check in by saying “green” to go ahead, “yellow” to slow down on an act, and “red” to stop sex altogether.

“Safewords are a great way to set boundaries and have an easy way to communicate, especially if you are having difficulty expressing yourself in the moment,” Carly tells Them.

Also, it’s always good to do your research. Goddexx Haru suggests talking to your partner(s) about what you enjoy, what they enjoy, what you want to explore, and any boundaries you may have in regards to specific BDSM acts like bondage or humiliation.

“Set boundaries to make sure no one is ever doing something they don’t want to be doing,” Goddex Haru tells Them. “I’d recommend doing some reading on BDSM or going to classes if you have any dungeons near you, especially if you’re interested in edgeplay, or play that’s a little riskier like knifeplay, erotic asphyxiation, or 24/7 power play.”

While not all people who engage in BDSM are queer and not all queer and trans people engage in BDSM, the two communities have historically overlapped in significant ways. For example, men’s leather bars and communities — which many consider to be under the umbrella of BDSM — became important havens for LGBTQ+ people in the 1940s and beyond. The intertwined nature of kink and LGBTQ+ communities continues to be a debate to this day, as discourse about whether or not kinksters belong at Pride emerges every June like clockwork.

A group of men dressed in leather fetish clothing ride in a truck at the intersection of 32nd Street and Fifth Avenue during the annual Gay Pride parade in New York City, c. 1980.
Let’s celebrate the contributions the kink and BDSM communities have made towards LGBTQ+ liberation.

So the answer is no, not all BDSM is queer. However, because BDSM dynamics are viewed as a non-normative relationship to sex, its roots alongside and within the LGBTQ+ rights movement run deep.

Goddexx Haru recommends reading Ties that Bind by Guy Baldwin M.S. to anyone who wants to learn more about the history of BDSM in the LGBTQ+ community and issues specific to queerness and BDSM.

How do I get started with BDSM play?

Research is always always a great place to start. Figure out what you want out of BDSM, figure out how to express those wants, whether to a partner you already have in mind or to a new person, and see if there are any BDSM classes nearby. It’s incredibly important that you trust whoever you are engaging in BDSM with. Don’t be afraid to wait to explore further until you are comfortable.

“Do what feels natural, don’t be afraid to speak up and ask questions. And there is a wealth of information online, from books to classes,” Sartre recommends. “Attend local events to network with people. Try things with a trusted person but take as much time as you need to develop that trust.”

Figuring out what aspects of BDSM you like and which you would rather avoid is crucial to having a good time and feeling comfortable and safe. An important part of understanding what you like is also tapping into why you want to engage in BDSM in the first place. Like the wide spectrum of sexual acts and dynamics that BDSM encompasses, there are an array of reasons why people engage in them, and figuring out what’s driving you to explore BDSM can help you understand what you hope to get out of it.

“Many of my clients use BDSM as a way to have sex that feels safe after experiencing sexual trauma, as a way to take back control over the situation,” Goddexx Haru says. “I also especially enjoy genderplay — playing around with different gendered labels and expressions during sex can be a really powerful way to explore your gender and sexuality. As a trans person, I find that playing around with the gendered ways I refer to my body and self can feel like a way to take back control and autonomy over my body and the ways that the world tries to label it.”

Ultimately, BDSM can help you tap into another part of your identity, help you be more present during sex, or just have a fun time. Engage with BDSM on your own level. Build up your comfort with other partners, or work with a professional dom(me) or sub if you want someone with more experience. It’s an expansive subculture that allows you the freedom to relate to it however you wish.

Complete Article HERE!

This Is the Key to Unlocking Your Best Sex Yet

— Solo or Partnered

By Crystal Raypole

Sex is a natural human desire. Many people enjoy physical intimacy and want more of it. Sex with new or multiple partners, different kinds of sex, better sex with your current partner — all are completely normal goals.

Yet, sometimes, it can feel as if improving your sex life is easier fantasized about than done.

Sure, you can find plenty of practical guides offering physical tips for better sex to people of any gender or anatomy.

But good sex doesn’t just involve your body. Your emotions and mood also play a pretty big part.

Like other aspects of wellness, good sexual health relies on the mind-body connection.

This interaction between mind and body can have some significant implications for emotional and physical health, both in and out of the bedroom.

Positive emotions such as joy, relaxation, and excitement help boost physical pleasure and satisfaction.

At the same time, distraction, irritability, and stress can all settle into your body, affecting your ability to remain present and fully enjoy experiences — from G- to X-rated — as they come.

Here’s the good news about the mind-body connection: Improvements in one area often yield similar improvements in the other.

In other words, increased emotional awareness could just help you have the best sex of your life. Nurturing this connection may take a little work, but these tips can help you get started.

Mindfulness refers to your ability to stay present in the moment.

Robyn Garnett, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in Long Beach, California, who specializes in sex therapy, describes mindfulness as “being fully engaged in an activity, fully experiencing the moment with physical senses rather than the thinking mind.”

You can probably imagine how a lack of mindfulness can detract from a sexy experience.

You might try to stay focused, for example, but thoughts of that midterm you need to study for, the pile of dishes in the sink, or how early you have to get up in the morning keep creeping in.

This fragmented awareness is incredibly common, but learning to boost powers of observation in other areas of life can help you overcome it.

As you go about your day, pay more attention to your body. How do you feel when you exercise? Eat breakfast? Walk to work? Do chores?

Notice the physical and emotional sensations that come up. What feels good? Not so good? If your thoughts start to wander away from the activity, gently return them to what you’re doing.

Many people find meditation and yoga make it easier to get in tune with emotions and practice mindfulness throughout the day.

If you have trouble expanding your awareness alone, giving these wellness practices a try could help.

It can take some time to get the hang of mindfulness, but the increased self-awareness that develops as a result can facilitate greater connection during sex.

Generally speaking, great sex means everyone involved is getting their needs met on some level.

It’s fine to want to please your partner(s), but you should also have some idea of what you enjoy and want from a sexual encounter.

Staying present during sexual encounters, whether solo, partnered, or multipartnered, can help you notice:

  • what types of touch feel best
  • how your body feels from moment to moment (let yourself move naturally)
  • the noises you and your partner(s) make (don’t be afraid to make noise, even when on your own!)
  • how your breath and movements speed up and slow down (take time to enjoy yourself instead of rushing toward climax — unless that’s what you’re into!)

When something feels good, don’t be shy about speaking up. Discussing what you like and want more of can strengthen your connection and lead to even better sex.

The same goes for things you don’t love. Participating in activities you dislike, just for a partner’s benefit, can lead to disconnection (or dread) during sex.

Also keep in mind: Good sex doesn’t always require a partner. In fact, exploring sexual interests through masturbation can help you get more comfortable with your desires.

It becomes much easier to communicate with partners when you know exactly what you enjoy — if you do choose to share with a partner, that is. Solo sex can be equally fulfilling!

First of all, you can have fantastic sex without maintaining a romantic relationship.

(That said, if you’ve tried no-strings-attached sex and find it somewhat lacking, it’s worth considering that you may need more of an emotional connection.)

If you are in a relationship, though, you’ll want to take into account the ways stress and conflict can affect not just individual well-being but also partner interactions.

It’s often easier to recognize serious issues threatening your relationship, but smaller concerns can also build up, adding to worry and anxiety.

If you don’t know how to bring these issues up, even minor problems can cause strain and affect overall emotional wellness over time.

These effects can make it more challenging to connect with your partner and enjoy intimacy.

If you’re struggling to connect with your partner — physically or emotionally — couples counseling can offer a safe, judgment-free space to explore the issue and work on healthy, productive communication.

Arousal takes time and effort for many people. Some days, you might just not feel it (totally normal, in case you wondered). Regardless, you might want to go ahead with it anyway.

Maybe you don’t get a lot of chances to have sex and think you should make the most of it, or perhaps you don’t want to let your partner down.

Keep in mind, though, your body usually knows what it’s talking about.

Remember, your mind and body work together, so pushing yourself to connect intimately when you’re drained, tired, achy, or unwell generally doesn’t end well.

Instead of fully engaging with your partner, you might get distracted, notice physical discomfort or annoyance at being touched a certain way, or have difficulty maintaining arousal and having an orgasm.

Your good intentions could even trigger conflict if your partner notices you’re less than enthusiastic.

It’s always better to communicate instead of trying to force a mood you don’t feel. You can still enjoy yourselves without having sex.

In fact, Garnett explains, exploring nonsexual activities together could promote more meaningful connection that can, in turn, lead to an improved sexual relationship.

Don’t forget: A sexual partner who doesn’t respect your physical needs and tries to pressure you into having sex anyway is not one worth keeping.

Sex therapy might sound a little terrifying when you don’t know what to expect, but it’s basically just talk therapy.

“It provides a space for you to openly discuss concerns and potential barriers so you can better understand your own needs,” Garnett says.

“Sometimes the inability to enjoy sex comes down to a misunderstanding of your own body, so psychoeducation is often where the conversation starts,” she says.

Garnett explains that while your sex therapist might suggest activities for you to try outside of therapy, by yourself or with a partner, sex therapy itself doesn’t involve touch or demonstrations.

Your primary goal in sex therapy is exploring any issues potentially affecting your sex life, such as:

Although mental health symptoms can affect sexual desire and contribute to difficulties enjoying intimacy, the reverse is also true.

If you find intimacy challenging, for whatever reason, you might become anxious when thinking of sex or feel so low that your arousal fizzles out.

This can create an unpleasant cycle. Not only can missing out on the benefits of sex bring your mood down further, you might notice tension between you and your partner if you don’t communicate what you’re feeling.

A professional can help you take a holistic look at the challenges in all areas of life, from work stress and sleep troubles to normal life changes, and consider how they could be holding you back from a more fulfilling sex life.

Better sex might not happen overnight, but dedicated efforts toward increased mindfulness can help you employ the mind-body link to improve self-awareness.

This stronger connection within yourself can pave the way toward a powerful, more deeply satisfying sexual connection with others.

Complete Article HERE!

After Roe, teens are teaching themselves sex ed, because the adults won’t

From left: Alyson Nordstrom, Lily Swain, Emma Rose Smith and Paige Buckley, all 17, formed a group called Teens For Reproductive Rights in Tennessee in response to Roe’s fall.

By

Sweating in the sun, two dozen teenagers spread themselves across picnic blankets in a grassy park and prepared to discuss the facts of life they never learned in school.

Behind them on a folding table, bouquets of pamphlets offered information teachers at school would never share — on the difference between medical and surgical abortions, and how to get them. Beside the pamphlets sat items adults at school would never give: pregnancy tests and six-packs of My Way Emergency Contraceptive.

Emma Rose Smith, 17, rose from the blankets, tucked her pale-blonde hair behind her ears and turned off the music on a small, black speaker. She faced the assembled high-schoolers, all members of her newfound group, Teens for Reproductive Rights, and began talking about the nonprofit Abortion Care Tennessee. Her words hitched at first, then tumbled in a rush.

“A little bit about them,” Emma Rose said, “is they’re an organization that funds people’s abortions if they can’t afford it. Also, by the way, there’s another organization that we can also talk about later, when we give you guys, like, resources, that actually does free mail-in abortion pills.”

Twelve days after the teens’ picnic, abortion would become illegal in Tennessee, a measure made possible by the Supreme Court’s June decision, in Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization, overturning Roe v. Wade. The students wouldn’t hear anything about it in school: State law does not require sex education, and it holds that schools in areas with high pregnancy rates must offer “family life education” focused on abstinence.

Listen to the Tennessee teens describe their experiences of sex education.

Post-Roe, the teens in the park had decided, this lack of education was no longer acceptable. They are part of a burgeoning movement of high-schoolers nationwide who, after Roe’s fall, are stepping up to demand more comprehensive lessons on reproduction, contraception and abortion — and who, if the adults refuse, are teaching each other instead.

In Utah, high-schoolers rallied outside a courthouse in May to call for accurate education on sex and abortion. In Texas, a group of teens held a virtual protest on the gaming website Minecraft to urge the state to start giving middle-schoolers lessons on birth control. Over the summer, that group — Fort Bend Students United for Reproductive Freedom — began sharing mini-sex-education lessons to its Instagram account for the benefit of peers; recent posts include “Endometrial Ablation,” “Pap smears” and “WHAT IS PCOS?” (polycystic ovary syndrome).

And in Virginia, 15-year-old Rivka Vizcardo-Lichter is organizing demonstrations outside school board meetings to pressure the Fairfax County district to offer students information about reproductive health clinics, more detailed lessons on contraceptive methods other than abstinence (it already includes the basics, but she wants more) — and access to contraception.

“Teenagers are teenagers, and some teenagers are going to have sex,” she said. “They need to be educated on how to protect themselves from unwanted pregnancies and STIs [sexually transmitted infections] and sexual risk — especially if we’re removing the right to … choose whether or not you’re having a baby.”

Twenty-nine states and the District of Columbia require that students receive sex education at school, according to a tracker maintained by the nonprofit Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS). Thirty states demand that schools emphasize the importance of abstinence, and 16 states mandate “abstinence-only” sex education.

What students actually learn in the classroom varies by district and even by teacher, said Laura Lindberg, a public health professor at Rutgers University who has studied sex education in the United States for three decades. But it is often “too little too late,” she said. Her research suggests that less than half of U.S. teens receive instruction on where to get birth control before having sex for the first time, and she noted that the teen birthrate in the United States — 16.7 births per 1,000 females in 2019 — is consistently among the highest in the developed world, though it has been declining in recent years.

In the Tennessee park, Emma Rose scrolled her thumb down her phone screen, squinting at the glare, to read off details of upcoming advocacy: An outdoor concert to raise money for pro-abortion groups. A protest at the Tennessee Capitol on the day the state’s abortion ban takes effect.

Then she shared how she and the group’s three co-founders, Alyson Nordstrom, Lily Swain and Paige Buckley, all 17, see the future.

“We want to start getting groups structured in different parts of Tennessee,” Emma Rose said. Each spin-off chapter would be located at a different high school throughout the state.

Then those teens, too, could start teaching each other.

‘Alone and ignorant’

In some parts of the country, teens teaching teens sex ed is not a new idea.

That includes Park City, Utah, where Carly McAleer started high school four years ago having received a sex education that “basically amounted to scaring students with really grotesque photos” of sexually transmitted infections. Utah law requires sex education in all schools but prohibits “the advocacy or encouragement of the use of contraceptive methods or devices,” instead mandating that schools “stress the importance of abstinence.”

By sophomore year, Carly, who is now 18 and uses they/them pronouns, began searching for a way to become better informed — and discovered the Planned Parenthood Teen Council program. The initiative, begun in 1989 in Washington state, trains teens to teach other schoolchildren sex education, then partners with willing private schools, school districts or community groups to host peer-led lessons on topics ranging from consent to contraception, depending on state law and school policy. Since its founding, it has expanded to 15 states, and last year 300 teens volunteered on 31 councils, according to Nadya Santiago Schober of Planned Parenthood.

Carly applied, was accepted their junior year, and was soon walking into middle-school classrooms — feeling more than a bit nervous — to lead classes on STIs and healthy relationships. Carly found that most students, starved for information, were intensely curious.

And Carly came to love moments that demonstrated the difference they were making — for example when they asked students what kind of lubricant is okay to use with condoms, “the room went silent, and so I told them a silicone-based or water-based lubricant.”

The end of Roe appears to have driven more interest in the Teen Council program, which is poised to expand, Santiago Schober said: “We are seeing an increase in the size of our groups for the year ahead.” In Utah, said L-E Baldwin, a community health educator with that state’s Planned Parenthood chapter, “we have had interest from rural parts of the state in ways we have not previously.”

Lindberg, the Rutgers professor, said the upsurge in young people advocating for comprehensive sex education is admirable, if unsurprising in a generation known for its activism on climate change, gun control and reading freedom. She cautioned that it is important would-be student-teachers pick out correct information from the plethora of misinformation available online.

“Young people can now access information in places that a generation ago weren’t an option, whether that’s a YouTube video or a Tik Tok or something on Instagram,” she said. “But they have to be careful.”

And, she warned, anyone pushing for more sex education will face stiff opposition from mostly conservative parents and lawmakers who argue that it is inappropriate and will lead students to become promiscuous — despite a large body of research that shows providing sexual health information and services to students is not linked with increased sexual activity, and the fact that a majority of American adults across political lines support sex education in schools.

Since the 1980s, when sex education became widespread in America as a means to fight HIV infection, conservatives and the religious right have steadily chipped away at the availability of sex ed nationwide, Lindberg said. And they’re especially fired up now, post-Roe and amid raging education culture wars that have delivered new laws restricting what teachers can say about race, racism, sexuality, gender identity and LGBTQ issues. As Charles Herbster, an unsuccessful gubernatorial candidate in Nebraska, put it at a rally alongside former president Donald Trump in May: “We’re going to take sex education out of the schools and put it back in the homes where it belongs.” (Herbster did not answer requests for comment

An ascendant parents’ rights movement is also working to limit what students learn in school about sex — partly through measures that increase parental control over students’ in-class reading choices and outlaw sexually explicit texts. Tiffany Justice, co-founder of the national parent group Moms for Liberty, said in an interview that “comprehensive sex ed has no place in school.” She said school districts everywhere should convene groups of parents to determine what is “age appropriate” for children to learn.

She had a message for students advocating around sex ed: “The teenagers are being pushed by activist organizations, whose purpose is making children politically literate rather than actually literate so they can become social justice warriors. That’s what the union is trying to do,” she said, referring to teachers organizations, which Justice said are pushing communist doctrine on America’s children.

In Virginia, Republican Gov. Glenn Youngkin — who won his office by campaigning on education issues — this spring signed a law that requires school districts to notify parents whenever sexually explicit material is included in lessons, and to offer students non-explicit alternatives if parents request them.

Rivka, the Fairfax County teen, believes this law imperils students’ access to sex education. She is all the more determined to persuade her school district to expand its sex-ed curriculum by teaching about more contraceptive options and reproductive health clinics, as well as offering students free contraception. Her sex-ed experience was “abstinence 100” percent of the time, she said.

Fairfax sex ed comprises “an abstinence-based … curriculum, meaning that both abstinence and contraception are included in instruction,” district spokeswoman Julie Moult said in a statement. “Contraception is included in instruction in grades 8-12,” she added, pointing to teachings about “barrier, hormonal, and surgical contraceptive methods,” including condoms. Parents can remove their children from the program if they wish.

Moult said the district mentions Planned Parenthood as a resource for “students experiencing unintended pregnancy” in 10th grade. But she said “inclusion of reproductive health clinics could be considered” by school officials in the future.

Moult previously told The Washington Post that giving students access to contraception would be “outside the scope and purpose” of sex ed. The Fairfax County School Board this spring voted to delay a series of proposed changes that would have expanded the topics covered in sex ed and ended gender segregation in some classes, an idea Rivka supports.

“We have millions of men who don’t know how a period works,” Rivka said, recalling conversations with male friends who were clueless about things like tampons and pads. “Teens are just going out into these waters alone and ignorant.”

Teens wonder: Could we do better?

In Tennessee, Alyson Nordstrom had never so much as joined a march when Roe came under threat

But on May 3, feeling the angriest she had ever been, she tapped out an Instagram message to Emma Rose Smith, who had helped organize a 10,000-strong protest after the killing of George Floyd: “I don’t know if you saw the leaking of the Roe v Wade draft opinion from the Supreme Court but me and some of my friends [are] wanting to put together something in protest of that … I was wondering if you wanted to work together.”

Emma Rose responded: “I would love too!”

The girls each brought in their friends, Lily Swain and Paige Buckley, and Teens for Reproductive Rights was born — although they didn’t finalize the name until a coffee-shop confab, when they also created an Instagram profile. Their first event was a May 7 march in Nashville Public Square Park for abortion rights; their second, a music concert in late July that raised $5,000 for Abortion Care Tennessee.

At that point, the girls started to rethink what they might accomplish. The foursome had initially thought the group was “a one-time thing,” Lily said, “but then we started hanging out and getting to know each other.” Soon, their minds turned to sex education.

Alyson, who wants to become a lawyer, recalled the lessons she sat through: “It was just, like, ‘Don’t have sex,’ [and] the guys goofed off the whole time.” Emma Rose, who wants to major in English and political science, had similar memories: “In fifth grade, they just said your boobs might grow and you might get your period. … In ninth-grade, they showed pictures of STDs [and] said this is what you’re going to get if you have sex.” Paige remembered the teacher letting the boys go to the playground while the girls learned about periods. And Lily, an Irish history buff, said what stuck out most was that her sex-ed teachers clearly didn’t want to answer any questions.

That fits with Tennessee law, where sex education cannot include instruction that encourages students to engage in “non-abstinent behavior,” and teachers could face a $500 fine if they fail to comply.

The four teens began to wonder: Could we do better?

The two-hour picnic on a superhot Saturday afternoon this month attended by about 30 students — mostly girls but a handful of boys, too was a trial run. The girls spoke briefly about issues they want to cover more later, including the implications of new state antiabortion laws. But a lot of the conversation was loose, just teens talking.

“It’s like you’re going back in time,” one girl said of Roe’s end.

“I think my concern is bringing more kids into this world,” said another. “The foster-care system is terrible.”

A boy recounted a recent chat with his devoutly Christian mother and shared advice for approaching antiabortion family members: “It can be scary. But it’s definitely worth talking with people about.”

Much of the afternoon had the vibe of a hangout, with boxes of pizza and gentle music. The teens played games of Ninja and Zap. A boy who rode up on a bike, training for his high school cycling team, offered to wear a Teens for Reproductive Rights sticker on his racing helmet.

As the clock inched to 5 p.m., Alyson sought everyone’s attention one more time. She had homework to assign.

“There’s a documentary on Netflix,” she said, raising her voice. “It’s called ‘Reversing Roe.’ It talks about, literally from early 1900s to recent — I think it came out right before the actual reversing.” She added that the film traces how abortion “became politicized, which it wasn’t originally at all.”

Teens sprawled on blankets bent their heads over phones and pamphlets to take down the name.

Complete Article HERE!

How Sex Therapy Can Improve Your Relationship

By Robin Zabiegalski

For most of us, talking about sex is really difficult, even with our partners. But talking about sex is an essential part of any romantic or sexual relationship, and not talking about it can cause serious relationship issues. So how do you move through that discomfort and talk with your partner about your sex life?

Dr. Kate Balestrieri says that seeing a sex therapist could be the answer your relationship needs. Though talking with a third party about your sex life might seem even more uncomfortable than just talking to your partner, a sex therapist can help you find the language you need to effectively communicate with your partner and make sure everyone’s feelings and needs are heard and addressed. 

In an exclusive interview with Health Digest, Dr. Balestrieri, who is a certified sex therapist herself, explained how talking to a sex therapist can improve your relationship and discussed the issues they can help you address.

Who can benefit from sex therapy?

The first thing Dr. Kate Balestrieri made clear is that couples go to sex therapy for all kinds of different reasons.

According to her, “Some of the more common reasons include: mismatched desire/low desire, navigating different sexual interests, cultivating sex after trauma, trying new sexual experiences (kink/BDSM), opening a relationship (negotiating relationship boundaries), addressing sexual dysfunction … adding vitality to their sex life, sex before, during and after pregnancy, [and] infidelity.”

Seeking out a sex therapist doesn’t always mean your relationship is in trouble. In fact, going to a sex therapist can be a great way to make a healthy relationship even healthier as well as solidify your romantic bond. Basically, any issue that puts stress on your relationship or any new things you want to explore with your sexual partner are perfect fodder for sex therapy sessions.

Why work with a sex therapist?

Dr. Kate Balestrieri explained that because sex therapists are “licensed mental health professional[s]” who specialize in sex, relationships, and intimacy, they can guide conversations, provide insight from research into human sexuality and relationships, and offer strategies for improving your relationship dynamics. Sex therapists also have a deep understanding of the ties between sex, relationships, and mental health, so they can ensure that everyone is mentally and emotionally safe during these conversations.

Because sex therapists literally specialize in sex, they can help you think of solutions that you might not have come up with on your own. “You can brainstorm new ways to be sexual or ways to address sexual boredom, frustration, discomfort or dysfunction,” said Dr. Balestrieri.

She added that sex therapists can be particularly helpful for couples that are trying to conceive. This puts a whole new level of stress and pressure on the relationship, which can be especially hard to address because emotions are running high. But she firmly believes that anybody in a sexual relationship can benefit from having a trained third party help them reflect on and process their thoughts and feelings about their relationship, sex, and intimacy.

Dr. Kate Balestrieri and her team are dedicated to helping people have a more expansive and integrated relationship with sex in an ever-changing contemporary landscape. Learn how Dr. Balestrieri is changing the conversation around mental health, relational, and sexual health and wellness by visiting her website – Modern Intimacy.

Complete Article HERE!

What Is Considered Cheating In A Relationship?

— The 4 Types + Examples

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

Cheating is a painful specter that, when experienced, can loom large over a person’s heart for many years. But what exactly is considered cheating? And what should you do if you find yourself in the unenviable situation of discovering that your partner has been unfaithful?

What counts as cheating?

The thing about cheating is that there’s no simple list of behaviors that can be flagged as definitely “cheating” or “not cheating.” Ultimately it comes down to the people in the relationship to define for themselves (in collaboration with each other!) what acts are off limits within the bounds of their bond.

Relationship therapist Jeanae M. Hopgood, LMFT, M.Ed., PMH-C, explains it as such: “Cheating is pretty subjective and can be anything from flirting with someone who isn’t your partner, to full-out sexual acts with another person. Cheating is really anything that violates the boundaries of your romantic relationship and results in a breach of trust between its members.”

If you even need to think, “Would my spouse/partner be OK with this behavior?” then this is a pretty good indication that you might be nearing the cheating zone. In the end, the only people who can know if you cheated or not are you and your partner(s). Together as a unit, it’s you who set the rules and promise to live by them.

1. Physical cheating

Physical cheating is the kind that most people immediately think of and assume cheating to be. It’s quite simply the physical intimacy that you’re not supposed to share with someone else if you have a monogamous relationship. (And notably, even people in polyamorous arrangements can cheat and be cheated on if one or more parties engages in behavior that goes against the rules they may have set for themselves.) While it can range in severity, physical cheating is all about using your body to cross a line.

Examples:

  • Making out with someone at the club
  • Having sex with someone while out of town
  • Dancing sexily with someone

2. Emotional cheating

Emotional cheating is where things can start to feel a bit blurry. When you emotionally cheat on your partner, you share intimate details and everyday closeness with someone outside of your relationship. To emotionally cheat is to tell yourself lies like “We haven’t even kissed, so nothing’s happened that I should feel ashamed of” or “We’re just friends!”

To be clear, a true friendship is not an example of emotional cheating. You need and deserve emotional closeness with people outside of your romantic partnership. The problem is when you imbue said friendships with secrecy and frissons of sexual or romantic excitement. The problem is telling your partner that “Linda” is “just a work friend,” while you’re telling her all your hopes, dreams, and desires (that you don’t share with your partner).

“An emotional cheater is someone who channels their emotional energy, time, and attention to someone outside of the relationship. As a result, they spend less time with their partners, leading to feelings of neglect,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D.

Examples:

  • Closing off from your partner emotionally and finding solace in someone else
  • Writing long romantic/sexual letters to someone else
  • Having deep phone calls with someone else about everything you think and feel—without your partner’s knowledge and permission
  • Keeping your relationship with a certain person secret from your partner because you’re worried what your partner will think
  • Acting like a couple with someone else, just minus the sex

3. Digital cheating

Digital cheating, or online cheating, has obviously exploded over the last 15 years or so, as dating apps and social media have become an entrenched part of our lives. Online cheating doesn’t have to lead to IRL meetups to count as cheating; it’s still infidelity if it involves secret romantically or erotically charged interactions with people outside the relationship, says couples’ and sex therapist Kyle Zrenchik, Ph.D., ACS, LMFT.

When people cheat using the internet, they might become secretive about their phones or laptops or develop new habits such as spending a lot of time glued to their phone.

Examples:

  • Maintaining a secret Tinder profile where you pretend to be single
  • Sending flirty messages to someone you follow on Twitter, Instagram, etc.
  • Sending and soliciting nudes
  • Oversharing emotional information that you’re not telling your partner to someone else via email, without your partner’s knowledge or consent

4. Micro-cheating

Micro-cheating refers to all those little behaviors that you know would upset your partner or spouse but that aren’t immediately apparent as capital “C” cheating. Micro-cheating is about slowly pushing at and breaking down the integrity of your relationship by intentionally choosing to engage in acts that undermine the trust of your partner(s). “Micro-cheaters often don’t want to compromise their current partners but choose to stay in the game without committing to a third-party relationship,” says Moore.

Examples:

  • Trying to cultivate or create intimate energy and vibes with people who aren’t your partner
  • Hitting up your ex “just to catch up” but seeking emotional intimacy
  • Leaning into crushes instead of away from them
  • Repeatedly fantasizing about someone who isn’t your partner in a way that takes you away from being present

Creating boundaries in your relationship.

Importantly, not every single behavior listed above will count as cheating in every single relationship. Everyone has a different definition of cheating, and it’s on the partners themselves to establish what is and isn’t OK for them. Making sure that these boundaries are established early on is key to the later success of the relationship.

“Infidelity is one of the most cited reasons partners give for getting a divorce,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist Sari Cooper, CST, LCSW-R, of the Center for Love and Sex. “I think that people initially don’t even ask themselves what situations they feel might be tempting to them and feel confident enough to discuss this with a partner as well.”

Try to be truly honest with yourself and your partner(s) when you set up the terms of your relationship. If you know that you’re a flirty person, be upfront about that; don’t try to squash it down. It will only bite you in the behind later. If your partner has insight into your behavior, they are more likely to be able to come to terms with it. Together you can think of a compromise that honors both of/all of you.

“It’s important that each person only agrees to boundaries that they actually believe in,” Zrenchik adds. “If you feel like pornography is not cheating but your partner does (or vice versa), it’s important not to simply agree just to move the conversation along. Talk it out as long as it needs to be discussed until you both arrive at an agreeable consensus (like, perhaps, movies and clips are OK but camming with a live person is not).”

How to deal with infidelity in a relationship.

For the person who has been cheated on:

If you find yourself confronting the fact that your partner has cheated, it’s important to not make any rash decisions, says Zrenchik. Instead, take time to process what’s happened and what you want to do moving forward. Cooper emphasizes the importance of finding professional help from an individual therapist “to explore whether you want to work on this relationship. It’s totally normal to feel ambivalent about staying and leaving in the first stage post-discovery.”

One of the hardest things to deal with when discovering your partner’s betrayal is a lost sense of trust for all future partners. Whether you decide to stay or go, getting a trusted friend or therapist whom you can pour your heart out to or joining a support group is so important as you go through your own mourning process, Cooper says.

And there are ways to work on rebuilding the relationship if you choose, Zrenchik notes. “If desired, work on reestablishing commitment, trust, and respect with the other person, finding small things to do together, and allowing for hurt and pain to be present,” Zrenchik suggests.

It”s really important to take things slowly. Mourning isn’t some curriculum that should take a certain amount of time. The feelings will come in waves. Try not to be harsh with yourself if you reach out to your partner for sex, for solace, or for comfort, while at other times you regard them as awful. Your body and mind are going through a lot, says Cooper, so have compassion for yourself.

And as a last note, Cooper recommends that you get an STI test to check your sexual health status in case you have been exposed. Even if your partner says it’s not necessary, it can be good for your peace of mind.

For the person who has cheated:

It’s imperative that you take responsibility and accountability if you’re the one who has cheated. The pain that you have caused your partner can be immeasurable, but telling the truth can help to soften the blow.

“There is a dramatic difference with how painful infidelity is when the hurt partner finds out from the cheating partner compared to when they find out by discovering it themselves,” advises Zrenchik. “People discover infidelity in very unexpected ways. If you have cheated, it is typically best to come clean and address the issue.”

Facing up to the cheating can be a chance to dramatically improve your relationship together, but this will only happen if you are open, honest, sincere, brave, and accountable, he says. You will need to be extra sensitive to your partner’s needs at this time.

You should also look into getting individual therapy to figure out why you felt compelled to betray your partner’s trust and how it can be avoided in the future. (Here are some reasons people cheat that aren’t what you might think.)

For both/all of you:

Enter therapy together with a therapist who specializes in sex and relationships. “A licensed therapist is your neutral party in the discussions, and they’ll help you and your partner recognize and process unmet needs in the relationship,” says Moore.

After couples’ therapy, couples will have a deeper understanding of what happened, have compassion for each other, and find effective ways to solve problems and move forward.

The takeaway.

“After a cheating incident, your relationship will have to change,” says Moore. “I often tell my clients to forget their first relationship and instead think that they’re starting a brand-new one. And in this new relationship, you must put in the same work and effort to care for and learn about each other.”

If cheating has been a pattern, then the cycle needs to be broken. Either way, you must begin to invest in healthy and honest communication and reconnect with why you wanted to be together in the beginning.

Complete Article HERE!

6 Myths About Sex You Should Stop Believing

(Including Why You Shouldn’t Read Too Much into Shoe Size)

By Sarah Stiefvater

We’ve been through a lot together, from buying houses and choosing foundations to cooking dinner. We’re friends, right? Right, which is why we feel comfortable bringing up sex—specifically, these six sex myths that you might believe but definitely shouldn’t. (Including why you shouldn’t read into a guy’s shoe size and how, no, those oysters at happy hour probably won’t get you in the mood).

1. Myth: Foot Size Corresponds to Penis Size

The truth: Sorry folks, there’s no way to tell how big a penis will be based on foot size (or hand size or ear size or any other physical indicator that isn’t the actual penis). During a 2002 study by the Department of Urology and St. Mary’s Hospital in London, two urologists measured the stretched penile length of 104 men and related this to their shoe size. The two ultimately found that, “There was no statistically significant correlation between shoe size and stretched penile length.”

2. Myth: Men Think About Sex Every Seven Seconds

The truth: Fortunately for everyone, this one’s very false. If men thought about sex every seven seconds, that would mean about 8,000 times per day. In reality, according to The Kinsey Institute, 54 percent of men said they think about sex several times per day and 43 percent said it was a few times per week.

3. Myth: Women Are Naturally Less Interested in Sex

The truth: Though women might actively think about sex less often than do men (the above Kinsey study found that 19 percent of women think about sex multiple times a day and 63 percent think about it a few times per week), that doesn’t mean women wantsex any less. Speaking to WebMD, Sarah Hunter Murray, PhD, a marriage and family therapist and the author of Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships, said, “Not only is the idea that men have higher sex drives an oversimplified notion, but it’s really just not true.”

4. Myth: You Can’t Get Pregnant If You’re Already Pregnant

The truth: Well, this is terrifying. Superfetation is an extremely rare (like, almost impossible) but real phenomena that occurs when a pregnant woman continues ovulating, and a second fertilized egg is able to implant itself in the lining of the womb. But seriously, when we say it’s rare, we mean it’s rare: Per the ClinMed International Library, a repository and an open access publisher for medical research, there have been only ten reported cases of superfetation. Phew.

5. Myth: Eating Oysters Will Get You in the Mood

The truth: Before you whip out the bivalves (and chocolate and hot peppers), know that there’s not a ton of science behind the aphrodisiac powers of food. Though there have been animal-focused studies (like this one published in the Journal of Reproductive Science that found that the zinc in oysters raised testosterone levels and improved sexual competence in male rats), more human research is necessary to prove the link between one of our favorite summer snacks and our sex drive.

6. Myth: Sex Is Good Exercise

The truth: Sure, you burn a few calories while getting busy, but it’s a workout you’re after, you shouldn’t substitute sex for a trip to the gym. A study by researchers at the University of Quebec at Montreal looked at 21 heterosexual couples in their early 20s and found that women burned an average 69 calories per 30 minutes of sex (versus 213 calories during 30 minutes of light running), and men burned an average of 101 calories per 30 minutes of sex (versus 276 calories during 30 minutes of light running).

Complete Article HERE!

When One of You Doesn’t Want Sex

— Here’s What You Need to Be Talking About

By Rachel Zar, LMFT, CST

When sex fades within a romantic relationship, many people think the relationship is doomed to failure, and that may lead to distress, confusion, or an appointment with a sex therapist. But the truth is, there are many healthy reasons a couple may stop having sex. It may be due to illness, a change in physical ability, or other shifts that have an impact on sexual functioning or pleasure (for example, pregnancy or menopause). It can also happen when stress gets in the way for one or both partners, other parts of the relationship are taking priority, or a major life transition, such as having kids or taking care of a parent, takes up time and energy. Or it may be that one or both partners are on the asexuality spectrum or just not currently interested in being sexual. All are valid reasons.

If both partners are satisfied and happy, there’s no issue. The problem comes when one or both partners are distressed by the status quo. When that’s the case, the best place to start is to have a vulnerable and curious conversation about how each of you is feeling.

How to talk about one partner not wanting sex

Is it your partner who’s not interested in sex? Ask if they’re open to exploring what might be getting in the way. The block may be something that’s temporary or fixable—in which case, be patient and allow your partner lots of grace as they navigate through it. Remember, no one should be pressured or coerced into having sex. If you can hold space for your partner to go through phases of not craving sex—whether due to stress, fatigue, or something else—you may be able to prevent a temporary sexual slump from becoming a much longer state of being.

If it’s you who are not interested in sex right now, that’s OK. You never owe your partner sex. Try to have the same sort of open conversation about what’s blocking you—and ask for and expect the same sort of grace and space. No matter which person has lost interest, it’s smart to get specific about boundaries. Often people use “sex” and “intercourse” interchangeably, so it’s important to clarify the forms of sexuality, intimacy, or touch that still feel good and accessible to both of you. Are you each open to kissing and cuddling? What about caressing other body parts?

Also discuss nonphysical activities that help you feel super connected. Do you like to go on long walks together? Have deep conversations? Go to concerts? Upping the frequency of these activities will help keep the romance alive and give you a menu of ways to reach out to each other when you’re craving closeness.

Deciding what to do about sex as a couple

If one partner feels that their lack of interest in sex is a permanent state, the other person needs to respect that. For some couples, the answer is a nonmonogamous or open relationship—but for this to work effectively, both partners must agree that this is what’s best.

What if your honest conversation reveals that one partner’s desire for the other person has faded? That’s a good time to talk to a couples therapist. In any case, you’ll each have to decide whether a lack of sex or a difference in desire is a deal-breaker for you.

Complete Article HERE!

I watched the first episode of reality series ‘Good Sex,’ and seeing men ask for sex help was really hot

On the television series “Good Sex,” couples agree to put cameras in their bedrooms during sex and talk about the footage with a coach after.

By

  • The new discovery+ series “Good Sex” has couples put cameras in their bedrooms. A sex coach uses the footage to help improve their intimacy.
  • In the first episode, men reveal their sexual issues, like erectile dysfunction and overall inexperience.
  • The show is a reminder that sex should be a safe space to explore desire and pleasure.

On the new television series “Good Sex,” couples willingly plant video cameras in their bedrooms while they have sex, then fork the tapes over to a sex coach for help.

Caitlin V. Neal, the show’s resident sex coach, has spent more than 10 years helping men with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and pleasuring women.

Minutes into the first episode, a 48-year-old man named Ben admits he has trouble getting out of his head during sex with his partner Annie, which has led to erectile dysfunction. When Neal later examines video footage of their lovemaking, she finds out Annie’s dog is in the room while they’re getting it on, which interferes with Ben’s ability to focus. In the same episode, a man in his 20s reveals he’s never had sex, and wants to learn how to please a woman before he does, so Neal walks him through different pleasure points by caressing an anatomical model of female genitals.

As Insider’s sex and relationships reporter and advice columnist, I constantly read questions from women who want to save their sex and love lives. So it was refreshing to watch men get candid about their sexual concerns, like when Ben said a disconnect between his brain and body was likely the reason for his “limp dick.”

To me, “Good Sex” is a reminder that sex can be awkward and fulfilling all at once. Like the willingness to ask for help, good sex requires self-awareness, self-love, and feeling safe enough to show you’re still figuring it out.

“Good Sex” takes a raw approach by showing couples in the midst of their sexual mistakes, not just how they resolve them.

A 48-year-old named Ben opened up about difficulty achieving orgasm during sex

Ben said he’s only been with three women in his life, including his current partner of two years, Annie. They said they were both previously married to their college sweethearts.

“As great as our sex is, I’m not able stay hard, or even get hard, sometimes,” Ben told the camera during the first episode. He said current erectile dysfunction issues have made sex feel disheartening and distressing, especially coming from a previous marriage where he wasn’t having a lot of sex.

During their first session with Neal, Ben said erectile dysfunction medication hasn’t helped, and he wants to orgasm during sex with Annie.

According to Neal, the pursuit of good sex challenges people, especially men, to be more emotionally open.

“Sex is an inherently vulnerable act. And so if you’re looking to improve your sex life and you’re serious in your commitment to improving your intimacy, vulnerability is a requirement to getting the results that they want,” Neal said.

According to Neal, the showrunners’ idea to use cameras along with sex coaching made for “exponentially faster transformations, growth, and impact” because she could see what was actually happening, not just hear it from the couple’s blurry recollections.

“Imagine trying to explain, step by step, what happened the last time you had sex with your partner. Especially if you don’t have something to compare it to, it’s really difficult for someone to articulate what actually happened,” Neal, who also has a YouTube channel dedicated to sex advice, told Insider.

Healthy sex and relationships require work

The show offers snippets of each couples’ sex-coaching sessions and the bedroom homework Neal assigns them, but there’s a lot more work going on between scenes, she told Insider.

Each coaching session is between 90 minutes and two hours. It also takes time for a couple to unlearn the sex routines they’ve grown accustomed to over the past five to 30 years, Neal said.

When viewers watch “Good Sex,” Neal hopes they walk away with the realization that a fulfilling sex life requires commitment and help.

“We have no problem hiring career coaches, mechanics, people to install things in our homes. But for some reason, we have the story that sex is something we have to deal with privately, without any help. By putting cameras inside of those closed bedroom doors, we’re able to see this isn’t something you have to deal with in isolation. It’s not something that should be a source of shame,” Neal said.

A dedication to honesty and emotional openness in the name of self-improvement? Now that’s hot.

Complete Article HERE!

Everything to know before your first sex party

From queer raves to hedonistic mansion parties, these kinky, XXX-rated events aren’t as intimidating as you might think. Pull on your fishnets, it’s time to dive in.

By Beth Ashley

You’ve seen polaroids from the leather-heavy Crossbreed party pre-drinks all over Instagram and hovered one too many times over ​“buy ticket” on the Killing Kittens website. Maybe you’re finally thinking, ​“That’s it, I’m going to go to a sex party!” I don’t blame you. Whenever I see a group of girls in fetish gear, snapping their ​‘fits before heading off to a sex party or a fetish rave on my feed, I think two things: could I get a pair of those giant, tight latex boots onto my legs? And why haven’t any of my mates invited me to a sex party? Rude.

If you’ve never been to a sex party and, unlike me, your social media feeds aren’t packed with pics of different parties every other day, you might have a weird perception of them. Before I got to know more about these sexy gatherings, Eyes Wide Shut had put a terrifying vision of what they would be like in my head, which mainly consisted of mystery (in a non-sexy way), creepy animal masks and rituals. That, or a sordid pile-on, an 18-man orgy where double penetration is considered first base. Even when I moved away from these wild ideas, I still presumed sex parties to be a place where I’d be surrounded by people better at sex than I am. Would everyone be over-qualified and confident, while I sit in the corner wondering how I can leave discreetly?

Thankfully, sex parties are not like that in real life. In fact, they tend to be suprisingly wholesome spaces, full of lovely sex positive people who are all about keeping themselves and others safe, comfortable and liberated, while different kinds of play are explored.

There are, however, some things you should keep in mind before you buy your ticket and a pair of 10-inch heels. With some help from three avid sex party goers, here’s everything you need to know before you make your sex party debut.

Choose the right party for you

The world of sex parties is constantly growing, with events catering to both broad interests (like, er, sex) and niche interests (like banging while dressed up as animals). This can seem intimidating at first and, as regular sex party attendee and owner of sex shop Self & More, Poppy Moore, tells THE FACE, ​“sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right party for you. But this unknown territory and exploration is part of the fun!”

Her first bit of advice? Work out what your main desire is before party-picking. Is it important to you that the party is predominantly queer, or do you want something that caters specifically to heterosexual couples? Do you want to go somewhere super bougie? Are you interested in being a voyeur (watching other people play) or exploring group sex? Or is there a specific kink or fantasy that you want to see fulfilled?

These are all questions that will help guide your research. Try to find the features you’re looking for on the ​“about” pages of party websites and narrow down your search. Whatever you’re after, there’s probably an event that covers it. There are parties where you can slather yourselves in oil and roll around with a mass of naked bodies (Liquid Love); ones for bicurious women who want to explore sex with other women for the first time (Skirt Club); queer raves (Crossbreed); parties with exciting BDSM equipment and immersive soundscapes (Klub Verboten); ones with elaborate dress codes that centre sensuality over sex (Pinky Promise); hedonistic mansion parties (Fever or Killing Kittens), and good ol’ fashioned sex and swingers clubs (Le Boudoir).

“Consider what you want to get out of the evening, do your research, and go with an open mind,” says Moore. ​“Once you start to make friends within the sex party scene, you’ll discover parties through word of mouth. Until then, Google is your friend. You can often read reviews of parties on the various sex blogs which cover these topics.”

Making friends

Some parties also put on more affordable demo nights where you can basically ​“sample” them, which makes it easier to choose the right party for you. Some sex party providers (like Crossbreed) even throw free social nights, where you can get to know people outside of the full-frontal environment. These are great opportunities to make connections with members of the sex party community without jumping in at the deep end. And that means, when you do eventually attend one, you should recognise some friendly faces. Check your party of interest’s website for upcoming events like these

Preparing beforehand

There’s a bit more to think about before heading to a sex party than your typical night out. A frequent sex party-goer, 29-year-old Amy* recommends having a good, in-depth read of ​“any and all information that the hosts publish about the party. This will give you an idea of what to expect, and what the dress code is if there is one.” This info should also include what safety precautions will be offered by the providers.

If there is a dress code as part of your chosen party, it’ll be pretty strict for an important reason. For example, some parties only allow underwear and fetish gear (don’t worry, you can wear acoat on the bus on the way), because people attending might only feel comfortable socialising and dancing almost naked if everybody else is. It might sound odd, but sex party dress codes are about keeping people safe and feeling like they’re part of a strong community. Don’t go off base with that one.

A lot of sex party hosts provide condoms, dental dams and lube (this is a sign of a good organiser), but you should still pack your own. Amy adds that ​“towels or waterproof blankets” are also useful to pack, particularly if you plan on engaging in wet play, massages or wax play. You should also bring your own toys and cleaning equipment, if you want to use them. Want a moment away from all the kinky stuff? ​“Bring a robe or dressing gown when you want to have a little break.”

Brush up on sexualities and pronouns

If you head to a sex party, whether you go to a queer-specific one or not, its likely you’ll be amongst a lot of LGBTQ+ people. So, if you’re not already familiar, it’s time to whip out a book (or Google) to familiarise yourself with pronouns, gender identities and sexualities, so you understand what people’s different backgrounds are and what they might be looking for at a sex party. Make sure you ask new people you meet for their pronouns to avoid any upset and leave your assumptions at home. People go to sex parties for many different reasons and have all kinds of desires, fantasies and boundaries. Do your research, ask questions and keep an open mind.

Don’t expect a shag

I know, I know. It seems a bit odd to go to a sex party and not actually end up banging anyone. Why else would you go to a literal party for sex? But this thought process is a common mistake. Much like when you go out on the lash with expectations of pulling and end up going home empty-handed, feeling a little ashamed, going to a sex party expecting to have sex is a fast route to disappointment.
Amy says the best advice she was ever given about sex parties is ​“don’t go with expectations of a specific act happening.” So before you head out, make sure you’re thinking realistically. ​“I usually go with the expectation of no sex or play and then you’re not disappointed,” she says.

It’s also completely fine to go to a sex party without any intention of having sex. 27-year-old Ellie* tells THE FACE that her and her partner frequently go to sex parties ​“just to get out of the house and meet sex-positive people like us.

​“We’re monogamous and not interested in playing with other people, but we love being in a queer, sex positive scene so we go to Crossbreed all the time. We always end up going home and shagging because we’re so turned on from watching everyone else writhing, but it’s not about playing in the club for us,” she explains.

Poppy also adds that ​“you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Your attendance at a sex party does not equal your consent – and the same goes for the other guests, too. It’s OK to go along and simply soak in the atmosphere, or to play only with your existing partner.”

But if you do get some…

If you do have sex at your first party (lucky you!), then make sure you use a condom and pop one on any toys you might use before putting them anywhere near your genitals.

When it comes to the proper kinky stuff (including activities like impact play or restraint), Poppy recommends only having sex with people you have an established connection with, due to the increased risks that come with power dynamics. It’s always better to explore those kinky avenues with someone you have at least a little bit of personal trust in.

But If you do end up banging someone new – no judgement here – make sure you have a conversation about your desires and limits, and establish a handy safe word. This will make it easy for you to communicate if things become too much as you play together.<

Poppy adds that ​“aside from chatting about the kind of stimulation and dynamics that you enjoy, some useful questions for the receiver are ​‘How will I know when you’re enjoying the play?’ and ​‘How will I know when you’re nearing your limit or something is too much for you?’”.

And while the non-monogamous and kink communities are usually pretty hot on using protection and practising safe sex – because, you know, they’re exploring sexual contact with more than one person – there will always be exceptions and mistakes can happen.

As Poppy says, ​“It’s your own responsibility to make considered choices and keep play as safe as possible. You can do this by staying aware of your surroundings by avoiding getting drunk or high, carrying appropriate protection with you, engaging in play with people you trust and asserting your boundaries around protection with every new partner.”

She adds, ​“It’s easy to get caught up in the moment in an orgy or big-bed setting, but you are always within your rights to tell someone no or to ensure someone is using protection.”

Proper preparation avoids piss poor practice, so it’s good to get as much knowledge into your noggin as possible before pulling your fishnets on and popping down to your local sex rave. But nothing teaches quite as well as experience. Bite the bullet, pick a party or a social and go. Oh, and don’t forget to keep a good few condoms in your pocket.

Complete Article HERE!

Aftercare

— How to make sure your partner is A-okay after sex

Sure, you know all about foreplay but what about aftercare? Yes, what happens after that big O is just as important

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When it comes to sex, there are countless tips for what happens before and during it, but rarely do we think about what we may need to do to make it better afterthe deed. Yet, studies are showing the importance of sexual aftercare even when individuals explore hook-up culture and casual sex.

Aftercare is where you take a moment to unwind, relax and reflect after a sexual encounter. Commonly spoken about after BDSM scenes, aftercare isn’t just a kink-focused activity—the techniques can be used after any form of sexual play as you come down from the excitement, stimulation and hormonal releases that happen during erotic activities, whether full-blown intercourse or simply exploring some of the best sex toys around.

Sex therapist Lyndsey Luther (opens in new tab) says that sexual aftercare is a vital part of a romantic relationship: “Aftercare builds an emotional connection and shows that you care about each other outside of sexual activity.”

Sexual aftercare: what you need to know

1. Chat with your play partner(s)

When communicating about aftercare, Luther suggests talking not only afterward about your play, but discuss your aftercare needs beforehand so you’re both prepared: “What does aftercare look like to you and what does it mean, and clarifying how you can discuss what you need after sex should be done in advance and throughout.”

Communication can help you digest and unwind from sexual encounters. It’s also a great opportunity to take a moment to chat with your play partner and discuss your sex session likes and dislikes. This will help you bond with your partner further and encourage even more enjoyable sexual encounters with them in the future.

2. Massage and body contact

Taking a moment to enjoy the presence of your lover’s body can help slow down your heart rate after rigorous sexual escapades. Not only will the warmth of another person’s body help you feel safe and comforted, but hugging can also promote the release of feel-good hormones that will allow you to leave your sex session in a positive mindset.

3. Clean-up and chill

Sex is naturally messy (hello, drippy lube and arousal serum!) and there’s nothing wrong with that. After getting all hot and sweaty, post-sex clean-up can help you feel ready to take on other day-to-day activities. Hydrating and having something to eat can also help and will boost your blood sugar levels so you’re set to take on the world after sex.

BDSM play—”bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism” (check out our bondage for beginners guide for more)—can push people through erotic limits that sometimes go against their day-to-day beliefs systems and personas, meaning things can get emotionally intense.

“With BDSM, aftercare is there to minimize the ‘drop’ (the feeling after BDSM that can leave you feeling sad or anxious), and well as to minimize any post-sex shame,” says Luther.

Some individuals benefit from taking time after BDSM play to relax and take a moment to re-emerge back into their day-to-day roles and personas.

BDSM play can also require additional aftercare, including after forms of sadomasochism play. For example, when spanking occurs—the area where impact has landed needs some aftercare attention to reduce the chances of injuries. Making sure these areas affected by sadomasochism play are clean afterward is important to reduce the chances of infection.

Luther suggests that when you’re planning an intense play session, it’s important to factor in if you have time for aftercare, as the drop after BDSM play can be very powerful. If you don’t have time to factor in aftercare for intense play, it may be best to wait to explore that type of activity for a day when you do.

What if your aftercare needs differ from your partner’s?

It’s very common for aftercare needs to differ from person to person. “Differences in aftercare habits can happen, but it’s all about communicating what each of you needs,” says Luther.

She suggests trying the following: “If what you need is different from your partner(s) needs, can you each receive something different from aftercare and, if so, is there a middle ground where each of you is comforted in the way you need? It’s all about discussing the negotiable and non-negotiable and deciding how you want to feel during aftercare.”

And despite the name, aftercare doesn’t have to be something that you just do right after sex. Checking in on your partner even a day after an intense sexual encounter can act as a form of aftercare and help you maintain that flow of intimacy.

If you haven’t explored sexual aftercare before, it’s worth taking some time to give it a go!

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