By Ella Glover
Kinky sex is becoming more mainstream by the year, with BDSM – which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission and sadism and masochism – is one of the more popular options.
Generally, BDSM involves two major roles: the dominant and the submissive, the latter of which is the topic of conversation in this week’s episode of Smut Drop.
As the names imply, being dominant means being the one deemed to be in control, while the submissive, well, submits to that control.
Acting out any BDSM scene can be extremely emotional for either party, but particularly submissives, who experience what is known as ‘subspace’ and ‘subdrop’.
Sophia Mindus, a London-based educator, facilitator and artist interested in kink and sexuality, explains everything you need to know about the two states.
Subspace and subdrop are essentially emotional states triggered by a release of hormones into the body.
‘[During BDS], we are playing with roles, identities, and types of physical activities which are often very different from our day-to-day experiences,’ Sophia tells Metro.co.uk, adding that this can affect us on a physical, emotional and neurochemical level.
As Sophia explains, during different types of play the body can release a whole host of different hormones such as dopamine, adrenaline, endorphins, oxytocin, cortisol. This can lead to people feeling ‘high’ and in an almost ‘trance-like state’ both during and after intercourse.
While ‘topspace’ also exists for dominants, subspace is characterised as being ‘floaty’ and hazy.
Are there any dangers associated with subspace?
Subspace essentially puts the mind and body in altered states, just like if someone takes a drug or drinks too much alcohol, and can sometimes blur the lines of consent, especially in terms of something like BDSM, when pain thresholds might temporarily increase. That’s why it’s vital for dominants to be aware of subspace and responsible for its effects.
‘When people are in altered states it can be harder to make decisions, have awareness of bodily limits and boundaries, and ask for what they need,’ says Sophia.
‘This is not the same for everyone, but this is why in these situations, it is even more paramount that the top takes responsibility for respecting the limits and physical capacity of the person receiving.’
This goes for both physical activities, such as spanking, as well as other boundaries.
‘It is important that the top remembers limits clearly and does not add anything extra or change the type of play into something which hasn’t been prior agreed once someone is in subspace,’ says Sophia.
‘BDSM relies on all parties to be taking part in these practices with awareness and approaching each other with humanity and ethics.
‘If one person is willing to bypass another person’s boundaries or limits because they are in subspace and unable to communicate clearly, this is a violation of consent.’
If someone is experiencing subspace, the safest decision a top can make is to bring the scene to an end.
How to prepare for subspace
Negotiate communication check-ins
Sophie says that communication check-ins are vital and should be negotiated before play has begun.
‘Some people may experience their subspace as finding it harder to communicate verbally, so perhaps a signal or non-verbal check in such as a hand squeeze or a head movement could be used to communicate,’ she says.
Start slow
‘If it is the first time playing with someone, or someone is experiencing subspace for the first time, this is something they may not recognise or realise is an issue.
‘I always believe in BDSM you can do more but rarely can do less – so going slowly and airing on the side of caution is important.’
What is subdrop?
As many of us know, what goes up must come down, and the high experienced during subspace often gives way to subdrop.
‘A huge surge in hormones can also lead to a sudden drop or depletion of dopamine and oxytocin, the hormones which make us feel happy, connected, warm and euphoric,’ Sophia tells us.
‘This can often happen the day after or some hours after play has occurred.
‘The feeling can vary from irritability and low mood, to feelings of being a bit lost and lonely, to sadness and sensitivity.’
While everyone will feel and deal with subdrop differently, it’s important to note that it is normal and there’s nothing wrong with you if you experience it.
‘Whilst we are experiencing a shift in hormones, there is also the reality that BDSM play is a very intimate and vulnerable experience – and the return to reality after these intense experiences can feel sensitive,’ Sophia adds.
‘When we experience such closeness and altered realities with another person, going back to our day to day life can feel a little strange.
‘This can also be difficult if people do not live with their play partners, the sense of loss and separation can be difficult to deal with and something to be considered and worked through to support one another.’
How to deal with subdrop
Subdrop highlights the need for aftercare following a BDSM scene.
‘Aftercare describes not only the immediate care that you need after a type of play, but also the care that you need in the days after a type of play as subdrop can take a while to be felt,’ says Sophia.
Find what works for you
It may take time and experience to understand what kind of aftercare you need.
‘For some people aftercare looks like alone time to process their feelings and thoughts,’ Sophia says, whether that be a self care evening with a bubble bath or time in nature.
‘For others it might look like making sure they have nice plans in place in the days after a play event or play date so they don’t feel so alone,’ she adds.
Reach out to partners
‘The most important thing is reaching out to your partner or friends if you are experiencing a drop.
‘It can feel overwhelming and bizarre the first time, and just knowing that you are not alone and you are not overreacting is important.’
Importantly, BDSM often involves two or more people, so it’s vital to reach out to and support your partners following a scene.
How to help someone through subdrop
Keep checking in
Given that subdrop doesn’t always happen instantly, it’s important to keep checking on your partner to see how they feel.
‘Taking time to check in either via call, text, or an in person meet up to see how your partner is doing, what they might be needing, and also maybe taking time to share what you enjoyed most about the play with them, [is vital],’ says Sophia.
‘Some people may need some reassurance, validation, and extra attention and care after BDSM play.
‘It is a vulnerable, intimate and intense experience to go through with another, and aftercare which encompasses the value of our partners can really support a connective and caring relationship.’
Be open
‘It can take time to recognise what you need to support yourself or another person through drop, so if this is new to you, being really open and offering different suggestions can be a supportive and curious way to explore how best to take care of one another,’ says Sophia.
This is especially important if the dominant is also experiencing a drop.
‘If both people need different things, you need to work out how to compromise and make it work so all needs are met,’ she adds.
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