— When it comes to affairs of the heart, we are all beginners. Some of us, however, at least speak with authority. Introducing Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue (2021) and the forthcoming Love in Exile (2025), whose advice caught our eye.
Francesco Morandini’s The Three Graces, 1544-1597, Uffizi Gallery.
I am in a long-term and loving relationship with my partner of almost seven years. We live together and share a fun, happy, and fulfilling life together. We tried polyamory last year, and I fell in love with someone new and was in a relationship with that person for about 10 months. I fell really hard and fast and deep. I had only ever been in love with my partner before meeting this new person. I could see a future with them, and we slotted into each other’s lives. I was totally besotted. It felt so romantic and big.
Then they broke up with me. They said they didn’t want our relationship to end but they couldn’t see a way for it to move forward that would work for them. They wanted things that I couldn’t give them. We have been broken up for three months, and I am miserable. I have been as open as I can be with my primary partner, and we are managing. I have started new hobbies, met new people, slept, cried, eaten well, stayed hydrated, listened to sad music, talked about it with friends. I have been sober since breaking up. I have been looking after myself. And I am miserable.
What should I do? Is this a choice between two lovers? Or should I fight for them back (when I’m not sure I can give them what they need)?
In heartbreak,
S
Dear S,
The solution to your problem is simple for me to explain, though not easy for you to bear. You’re so devastated because you’re learning one of the most painful lessons there is to learn: that the presence of love is not the only requirement for a relationship to work. Sometimes, an overwhelming passion for another person and an intensity of feeling and connection to them that seems life altering leads absolutely nowhere. You are ruminating over your hopes and fantasies when you were falling for this person—it all seemed to be pointing toward something exciting and transformative. Your life felt elevated and gleamed with potential. Then it just ended. It sucks. I can tell you from experience that ending a relationship under these circumstances feels like burying something still alive so that it can slowly die, shrivel, and decay in the darkness. The imagery I am using is a touch dramatic but only because withdrawing from love is an experience of extremes and, when you’re in it, can honestly feel like a matter of life and death.
I think the fact that this occurred within the context of polyamory is less important, actually. It can and does happen every day to people who are monogamous. If you have only ever loved your primary partner until now and that love progressed to a relationship of many years, you haven’t had the experience of releasing someone in the midst of infatuation because you’re simply not compatible. I wish someone sat us down as teenagers and told us about how important compatibility is. Then again, who would listen as it all sounds so terribly boring: timing, values, financial aspirations, religion, ethics, desires for children, location. Turns out that cumulatively they all matter far more than chemistry and passion in the long term.
You probably know some of this because of your existing partner. They are familiar to you; the love you have for them is perhaps quieter, more consistent, more reliable—even a little boring. That’s what a lot of long-term relationships are—a decision every day to share the mundanity of life. There can still be joys and surprises, but they’re slower and subtler. They will never be as dramatic and grandiose as the thoughts and feelings we experience in the early stages of infatuation, when we have a blank canvas to paint all of our greatest fantasies onto someone new. It’s unsustainable. If you’re still thinking in epic, cinematic terms after a year or two, it’s probably a sign the relationship is dysfunctional.
This isn’t a choice between two lovers because you say you aren’t dissatisfied with your first partner—you are just desperately looking for a way to hold on to the new love, and so your mind keeps presenting this as an ultimatum: End your current relationship and chase a dream, or feel this pain forever. In reality, leaving your current partner would very much risk adding another heartbreak to this scenario and is no guarantee you would make it work with this new person. Fighting for them may work for a month or two, but breakups happen for a reason.
You’re doing all the right things for getting over heartbreak—make sure too that you do not follow this person on social media or maintain contact with them. It is brutal at first, but it works. One thought I had was about your existing partner and their reaction to all this: I would gently suggest that they cannot be the person who supports you through this grief. Ethical non-monogamy doesn’t mean we lose all feelings of jealousy, pain, or resentment. You need to explain to your partner that you’re trying your best to get over this, but also ask them how they feel and what boundaries they may need. It’s good to talk to friends about the breakup and accept that, while your partner is concerned about you, they have their own limits. Once, when I was heartbroken and unsure I would ever be happy again, my friend said to me: “Time will do the work for you if you just keep moving through it.” Hang on in there; it will pass.
Intimacy is a vital component of any successful relationship, and one key aspect of intimacy is the ability to openly and honestly discuss sex and sexual desires with your partner. In this article, we will delve into the importance of mastering the art of talking about sex, providing you with valuable insights and practical tips to foster a deeper connection with your loved one.
Understanding the Benefits of Open Communication about Sex
When couples engage in open communication about their sexual desires and needs, they unlock a multitude of benefits for their relationship. First and foremost, it strengthens both the emotional and physical intimacy between partners. By discussing your desires, you create an environment of trust and vulnerability that allows for a deeper connection to flourish.
Open communication about sex helps to resolve conflicts and address concerns that may arise. Misunderstandings and unmet expectations can lead to frustration and distance, but by openly discussing your needs, you can identify and address any issues, ensuring a healthier and happier sexual relationship.
Finally, discussing sexual desires promotes sexual satisfaction and exploration. It allows you and your partner to understand each other’s preferences, fantasies, and boundaries, enabling you to explore new experiences together and enhance your shared intimacy.
Creating a Safe and Supportive Environment
To embark on conversations about sex successfully, it is crucial to create a safe and supportive environment for both you and your partner. This begins with establishing trust and non-judgment. Ensure that your partner feels comfortable expressing their desires without fear of criticism or ridicule.
Additionally, setting aside dedicated time for these conversations demonstrates their importance and shows your commitment to understanding and meeting each other’s needs. It could be during a quiet evening at home or on a leisurely walk—choose a setting where you can both relax and focus on the discussion.
Active listening and empathy are also key components of creating a safe space. Truly listen to your partner, without interrupting or imposing your own opinions. Seek to understand their perspective and validate their feelings and desires. This will foster an environment where both of you can be vulnerable and honest.
Breaking the Ice: Initiating the Conversation
Starting the conversation about sex can be daunting, but with the right approach, you can break the ice and create an atmosphere of openness. Choose an appropriate time and place where you can both feel relaxed and uninterrupted. Express your intentions clearly by letting your partner know that you value their satisfaction and want to enhance your sexual connection.
When framing the conversation, focus on the positive aspects. Highlight the benefits of discussing sexual desires and emphasize that it is a natural and essential part of any loving relationship. By approaching the topic with positivity and enthusiasm, you set the tone for a productive and comfortable dialogue.
Effective Communication Techniques
Effective communication techniques play a vital role in discussing sex with your partner. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and desires, as they can help avoid sounding accusatory or critical. For example, say, “I would love to try something new that I’ve been thinking about,” rather than, “You never do anything exciting in bed.”
Active listening is equally important. Show genuine interest in your partner’s perspective and actively listen to their thoughts and feelings. Validate their emotions and let them know that you understand and appreciate their point of view. Additionally, asking open-ended questions encourages deeper conversations and allows for a more comprehensive understanding of each other’s desires.
Non-verbal communication and body language cues can also enhance your conversations about sex. Maintain eye contact, offer reassuring touches, and be mindful of your partner’s reactions. These non-verbal cues help create an atmosphere of comfort and connection.
The Power of Self-Reflection: Understanding and Communicating Your Desires
Self-reflection is a vital component of understanding your own desires, fantasies, and boundaries when it comes to sex. Taking the time to explore your innermost thoughts and feelings empowers you to engage in more meaningful and effective conversations with your partner. Here’s why self-reflection is important and some prompts or exercises to guide you:
1. Understanding Your Own Desires: Self-reflection allows you to delve into your own desires and gain clarity about what truly excites and fulfills you. By understanding your own needs, you can better articulate them to your partner, leading to more satisfying and mutually enjoyable experiences.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
What activities or experiences have I found pleasurable or fulfilling in the past?
What are my current sexual fantasies or desires?
What turns me on mentally, emotionally, and physically?
Are there any specific boundaries or limits I have regarding sexual activities?
How do I feel about exploring new experiences or pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone?
2. Examining Your Boundaries: Self-reflection helps you identify your personal boundaries and limitations. Understanding what you are comfortable with and what you are not is essential for maintaining a healthy and consensual sexual relationship. It also enables you to communicate your boundaries clearly to your partner.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
What are my hard limits or non-negotiable boundaries when it comes to sexual activities?
Are there any specific activities or scenarios that make me feel uncomfortable or trigger negative emotions?
How do I feel about experimenting with new activities or fantasies?
What are my emotional and physical limits in terms of intimacy and vulnerability?
3. Exploring Fantasies and Desires: Self-reflection allows you to explore your sexual fantasies and desires in a safe and private space. By understanding and acknowledging your own fantasies, you can communicate them to your partner with confidence, fostering a deeper level of intimacy and understanding.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
What are my current sexual fantasies or secret desires?
How do these fantasies align with my personal values and boundaries?
Are there any specific scenarios, role-playing, or power dynamics that excite me?
How comfortable am I with sharing my fantasies with my partner?
4. Expressing Yourself Effectively: Self-reflection empowers you to express yourself effectively and confidently when discussing your desires with your partner. It allows you to find the right words and articulate your needs, ensuring that your communication is clear, respectful, and mutually understandable.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
How can I communicate my desires and boundaries assertively and without judgment?
Are there any fears or insecurities that hinder me from expressing my needs openly?
How can I create a safe and non-judgmental space for open conversations with my partner?
Am I actively listening to my partner’s needs and desires, and how can I improve in this area?
Engaging in self-reflection exercises or prompts can be a transformative and empowering journey. Remember, self-discovery is an ongoing process, and your desires may evolve over time. By understanding your own desires, boundaries, and fantasies, you equip yourself with the knowledge and confidence to engage in open, meaningful, and fulfilling conversations with your partner, fostering a deeper connection and greater sexual satisfaction for both of you.
The Power of Active Listening: Techniques and Tips for Effective Communication
Active listening is a crucial skill when discussing sex and desires with your partner. It involves not just hearing their words but fully engaging and understanding their perspective. Here are specific techniques and tips to enhance your active listening skills during these intimate conversations:
Paraphrasing and Summarizing: After your partner expresses their thoughts or desires, paraphrase their statements to ensure you have understood them correctly. Rephrase their words in your own language and repeat it back to them. This demonstrates that you are actively listening and seeking clarity. Additionally, summarizing their main points can help solidify your understanding and encourage further discussion.
Example: “So, if I understand correctly, you’re saying that you’d like to try incorporating more sensory stimulation during our intimate moments, like using scented candles and soft music. Is that right?”
Reflective Listening: Reflective listening goes beyond paraphrasing; it involves acknowledging and validating your partner’s emotions. Pay attention to the underlying feelings behind their words and reflect them back to your partner. This shows empathy and creates a safe space for them to express themselves authentically.
Example: “It sounds like you feel a bit anxious about sharing your fantasies with me. I want you to know that I appreciate your vulnerability and am here to listen without judgment.”
Non-Verbal Cues: Remember that active listening extends beyond words. Your non-verbal cues, such as eye contact, facial expressions, and body language, play a significant role in conveying your attentiveness and interest. Maintain eye contact, nod to show understanding, and use open and welcoming body language to indicate your engagement in the conversation.
Avoid Interruptions and Distractions: Give your partner your undivided attention during these discussions. Avoid interrupting or interjecting with your own thoughts before they have finished speaking. Put away distractions like phones or electronic devices to demonstrate your commitment to active listening.
Ask Clarifying Questions: If there are aspects that you’re uncertain about or need further elaboration on, don’t hesitate to ask clarifying questions. Seek specific details or examples to deepen your understanding and ensure that you are on the same page. This shows your genuine interest and commitment to comprehending their perspective.
Example: “When you mention wanting to explore new experiences, could you give me an example of something specific you have in mind?”
Practice Empathy and Open-Mindedness: Approach these conversations with empathy and an open mind. Set aside any preconceived notions or judgments you may have. Try to understand your partner’s feelings and desires from their unique perspective, even if they differ from your own. Validate their emotions and experiences without dismissing or invalidating them.
Active listening is a continuous process that requires practice and patience. By incorporating these techniques into your discussions about sex and desires, you create an environment of trust, understanding, and mutual respect. Your partner will feel heard and valued, fostering a stronger connection and deeper intimacy between you both.
Navigating Difficult Topics and Overcoming Challenges
While discussing sex can be exciting and fulfilling, it can also bring forth challenges and sensitive topics. It’s essential to approach these conversations with sensitivity and compassion. If either partner has insecurities or fears, provide reassurance and create a safe space for open dialogue.
Differences in sexual preferences may arise, but it is essential to approach them with understanding and respect. Find ways to compromise or explore alternatives that can satisfy both partners. If deeper issues related to past traumas or experiences surface, it may be necessary to seek professional help to navigate these complexities together.
Enhancing Intimacy through Exploration and Experimentation
Once you have established open communication, don’t be afraid to explore and experiment together. Encourage mutual consent and respect each other’s boundaries. Share your fantasies and desires, and be open to discovering new experiences and techniques. Regularly check in with each other to ensure that you are meeting each other’s evolving needs.
Dealing with Rejection or Disagreements
Rejection or disagreements regarding sexual desires can be challenging to navigate, but they don’t have to be detrimental to your relationship. It is crucial to respect your partner’s boundaries and limits. If they express discomfort or say no to a particular desire, honor their decision without pressuring or resenting them.
Managing rejection requires empathy and understanding. Remember that everyone has different preferences and comfort levels. Approach the situation with compassion and maintain emotional connection even when desires differ. By keeping the lines of communication open, you can find compromises or alternatives that maintain the intimate bond between you and your partner.
Navigating Cultural and Gender Dynamics in Discussions about Sex
It is crucial to acknowledge that cultural and gender factors can significantly impact discussions about sex within a relationship. Societal norms, values, and expectations regarding sexuality can vary widely, and individuals may have different comfort levels when it comes to expressing their desires. Navigating these dynamics sensitively and respectfully is key to fostering open conversations about sex. Here are some guidelines to help you navigate cultural and gender influences in your discussions:
Recognize and Respect Diverse Cultural Perspectives: Understand that cultural backgrounds can shape beliefs, attitudes, and expectations around sex. Be sensitive to the influence of cultural norms on your own views and those of your partner. Foster an open-minded approach that values and respects diverse cultural perspectives on sexuality.
Communicate About Expectations: Cultural expectations regarding gender roles, power dynamics, and sexual practices can vary. It is essential to have open conversations about your unique experiences, expectations, and any potential tensions that may arise due to cultural differences. Encourage your partner to share their perspectives and actively listen without judgment.
Embrace a Non-Judgmental Stance: When discussing sex, create a safe and non-judgmental environment where both partners feel comfortable expressing their desires, boundaries, and concerns. Be mindful of any cultural or societal biases that may inadvertently influence your reactions or judgments. Approach the conversation with curiosity and a genuine desire to understand your partner’s point of view.
Seek Empathy and Understanding: Cultural and gender dynamics can create power imbalances within a relationship. It is essential to be mindful of these dynamics and strive for equality and mutual respect. Practice empathy by putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and seeking to understand their experiences within their cultural context. Validate their feelings and perspectives, even if they differ from your own.
Educate Yourself: Take the initiative to educate yourself about different cultural and gender perspectives on sex. Read books, articles, or engage in respectful discussions to broaden your understanding. This knowledge will enable you to approach conversations with cultural sensitivity, avoiding assumptions or stereotypes.
Emphasize Consent and Agency: Regardless of cultural or gender influences, consent and agency should always be central in discussions about sex. Encourage open conversations about consent, ensuring that both partners have equal decision-making power and respect each other’s boundaries. Prioritize enthusiastic and ongoing consent throughout your sexual relationship.
Seek Support and Resources: If navigating cultural or gender dynamics becomes challenging, seek professional guidance. A sex therapist or relationship counselor can provide specialized support and strategies to navigate these complexities effectively.
Remember, the goal is to foster open conversations that honor and respect the unique experiences, expectations, and cultural backgrounds of both you and your partner. By creating an inclusive and understanding space, you can strengthen your bond and cultivate a healthier and more fulfilling sexual relationship.
The Crucial Role of Consent in Sexual Relationships: Integrating Open Communication
Consent forms the foundation of healthy and respectful sexual relationships. It is essential to recognize and prioritize the importance of consent in all sexual encounters. Open communication plays a pivotal role in obtaining and respecting consent, ensuring that both partners feel safe, respected, and in control. Here’s why consent matters and how you can integrate it into your sexual discussions and encounters:
Understanding Consent: Consent is an ongoing, enthusiastic, and voluntary agreement between all parties involved in a sexual encounter. It is essential that consent is clear, unambiguous, and freely given without coercion, manipulation, or pressure. Consent must be actively communicated and can be withdrawn at any point if one or both partners no longer feel comfortable.
The Importance of Open Communication: Open communication is the key to obtaining and respecting consent. By fostering an environment of trust and respect, you and your partner can openly discuss boundaries, desires, and preferences. Here’s how to integrate consent into your sexual discussions and encounters:
Establish Consent as a Shared Value: Begin by having a conversation with your partner about the importance of consent. Emphasize that it is a fundamental aspect of your sexual relationship and that both of you are committed to practicing consent at all times.
Discuss Boundaries and Preferences: Engage in open and non-judgmental conversations about each other’s boundaries, desires, and comfort levels. Encourage your partner to express what they are comfortable with, what they are not, and any specific limits they may have. Share your own boundaries as well. Remember, consent is an ongoing process, and boundaries may evolve over time, so make it a regular topic of discussion.
Use Clear and Affirmative Language: When initiating sexual activities, use clear and affirmative language to seek consent. Ask for explicit verbal consent for each new activity or progression. For example, phrases like “Is it okay if I…?” or “Would you like me to…?” can be used to ensure that both partners are on the same page and comfortable with the next step.
Prioritize Enthusiastic Consent: Strive for enthusiastic consent, which means that both partners are actively and eagerly participating. Pay attention to verbal and non-verbal cues that indicate enthusiasm, such as verbal expressions of desire, positive body language, and active engagement. Silence or hesitation should be interpreted as a lack of consent or a request for further communication.
Communicate Throughout the Encounter: Consent is not a one-time event; it should be ongoing throughout the sexual encounter. Continuously check in with your partner, both verbally and non-verbally, to ensure that they are still comfortable and consenting. Encourage open communication during the experience, allowing both partners to voice any concerns, desires, or changes in boundaries.
Respect Withdrawn Consent: It is essential to respect and honor the withdrawal of consent at any point. If your partner expresses discomfort, uses a safeword, or communicates a desire to stop or slow down, immediately cease the activity and provide emotional support. Create a judgment-free environment where your partner feels empowered to communicate their needs and boundaries without fear of repercussions.
Regularly Revisit and Reassess Consent: Consent can evolve over time, and it is crucial to revisit and reassess it regularly. Check in with your partner outside of sexual encounters to discuss any changes in boundaries, desires, or concerns. Regular communication ensures that both partners’ consent is continually upheld and respected.
By integrating open communication and enthusiastic consent into your sexual discussions and encounters, you create an environment of trust, respect, and mutual understanding. This approach fosters a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship where both partners can freely and confidently explore their desires while feeling safe and respected. Remember, consent is an ongoing process that requires active participation from both individuals involved, and it should always be at the forefront of your sexual interactions.
The Powerful Connection Between Emotional and Sexual Intimacy
Emotional and sexual intimacy are deeply interconnected aspects of a fulfilling relationship. They mutually influence and enhance one another, creating a profound bond between partners. By engaging in open discussions about sexual desires and needs, couples can foster emotional connection, while emotional vulnerability can enrich sexual satisfaction and build trust. Let’s explore the dynamic relationship between emotional and sexual intimacy:
Fostering Emotional Connection through Discussions about Desires:
When partners engage in open and honest conversations about their sexual desires and needs, it creates a space of vulnerability and trust. Here’s how discussing sexual desires can foster emotional connection:
Heightened Intimacy: Sharing intimate details about one’s desires and fantasies builds a deeper emotional connection. It shows a willingness to be vulnerable and allows partners to see and understand each other’s innermost desires and preferences.
Enhanced Communication: Talking about sexual desires requires effective communication, active listening, and empathy. This process helps develop communication skills that can extend beyond sexual discussions, improving overall communication in the relationship.
Mutual Understanding and Acceptance: Engaging in discussions about desires helps partners understand each other’s unique perspectives and preferences. This understanding fosters acceptance, reducing judgment or misunderstanding and creating a safe space for exploration.
Building Trust: Sharing desires requires trust and vulnerability. When partners openly express their needs without fear of judgment or rejection, it deepens the trust between them. This trust extends to other aspects of the relationship, promoting overall relationship satisfaction.
The Role of Emotional Vulnerability in Sexual Satisfaction:
Emotional vulnerability is essential for establishing a strong foundation of sexual satisfaction and trust. Here’s how emotional vulnerability can enhance sexual experiences:
Increased Intimacy and Connection: When partners feel emotionally safe to be vulnerable, it paves the way for a deeper level of intimacy during sexual encounters. Sharing emotions, fears, and insecurities allows for a stronger emotional bond, leading to enhanced sexual satisfaction.
Heightened Sensitivity and Responsiveness: Emotional vulnerability enables partners to be more attuned to each other’s needs and emotions during sexual experiences. This heightened sensitivity enhances responsiveness, leading to more fulfilling and satisfying encounters.
Overcoming Insecurities and Shame: By embracing emotional vulnerability, individuals can address insecurities and shame related to their bodies, desires, or past experiences. This self-acceptance promotes a healthier body image and enables individuals to fully engage in and enjoy their sexual experiences.
Deepened Trust and Emotional Safety: Opening up emotionally fosters a sense of trust and emotional safety within the relationship. Feeling secure in sharing vulnerable aspects of one’s self allows partners to let go of inhibitions and fully explore their desires together.
Intertwined Emotional and Physical Pleasure: Emotional vulnerability encourages partners to focus not just on physical pleasure but also on emotional connection and mutual satisfaction. This holistic approach leads to a more fulfilling and meaningful sexual experience for both individuals.
By recognizing the powerful connection between emotional and sexual intimacy, couples can cultivate a deeper level of understanding, trust, and satisfaction. Engaging in open discussions about sexual desires and needs while embracing emotional vulnerability enhances the overall quality of the relationship and creates a solid foundation for a fulfilling and passionate connection.
Evolving Sexual Desires and Needs in Long-Term Relationships: Nurturing Open Communication
In long-term relationships, it is natural for sexual desires and needs to evolve and change over time. As individuals grow and develop, so do their preferences and expectations when it comes to intimacy. Nurturing open communication about sex is crucial to adapting and sustaining a fulfilling sexual connection as the relationship progresses. Here’s advice on how to navigate these changes and ensure that both partners feel heard and fulfilled:
1. Embrace Change and Growth: Recognize that sexual desires and needs can evolve over time. Embrace this change as a natural part of the relationship journey. Understand that what satisfied you and your partner in the past may not be the same as what excites you both now. Approach these changes with curiosity and an open mind.
2. Create a Safe and Non-Judgmental Space: Establish a safe and non-judgmental space where both partners feel comfortable expressing their evolving desires and needs. Encourage open dialogue by assuring your partner that their thoughts and feelings will be received with understanding and respect. Avoid shaming or dismissing their desires, even if they differ from your own.
3. Regularly Check-In: Make it a habit to regularly check in with each other about your sexual experiences and satisfaction. Schedule dedicated times to have conversations about your evolving desires and needs. This ensures that both partners have an opportunity to express themselves and be heard.
4. Practice Active Listening: When discussing evolving sexual desires and needs, practice active listening. Be fully present and attentive to your partner’s words, emotions, and non-verbal cues. Seek to understand their perspective without interrupting or dismissing their thoughts. Paraphrase their statements and reflect back what you’ve understood to ensure clarity.
5. Share Vulnerability and Fantasies: Encourage each other to share vulnerabilities and fantasies openly. Creating a space where both partners feel safe to express their deepest desires fosters intimacy and trust. Discussing fantasies can also lead to new and exciting experiences that fulfill both partners’ evolving needs.
6. Explore Together: Approach the evolution of sexual desires and needs as an opportunity for exploration and growth as a couple. Discuss new experiences, techniques, or fantasies that you both may be interested in exploring. This shared journey of discovery strengthens your bond and promotes ongoing sexual satisfaction.
7. Seek Professional Support: If navigating these changes becomes challenging, consider seeking support from a sex therapist or relationship counselor. These professionals can provide guidance and tools to help navigate evolving sexual desires and foster open communication within the relationship.
Remember, open communication about evolving sexual desires and needs is a continuous process. It requires ongoing effort and a willingness to adapt and grow together. By nurturing open dialogue, embracing change, and exploring new experiences, you can sustain a fulfilling and intimate sexual connection throughout the course of your long-term relationship.
Unlocking intimacy through open and honest conversations about sex is a powerful tool for deepening your connection with your loved one. By creating a safe and supportive environment, using effective communication techniques, navigating difficult topics with sensitivity, and embracing exploration, you can master the art of talking about sex. Through these conversations, you will build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship, and embark on a journey of shared pleasure and intimacy that will continue to evolve and grow.
If you want to make your sex dreams a reality, you’ve come to the right place. Everybody deserves to find pleasure—and with the best sex positions for women you can make sure that you (or your partner) receive just that. Since all bodies are different, it may take some trial and error to find your favorites. But these expert-approved moves are a great place to start.
Taking advantage of these types of positions is important because “certain positions are better suited to female pleasure as they enable direct or indirect stimulation of key erogenous zones like the clitoris or G-spot,” explains Aliyah Moore, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist. “Women often prefer positions that provide such stimulation to enhance their pleasure.”
In addition to trying out some new sex positions, there are a number of ways to increase female pleasure in the bedroom. Moore suggests incorporating the hands, fingers, and mouth to discover what feels good as well as trying out sex toys like vibrators and dildos. “When it comes to enhancing pleasure and achieving orgasm during sex, it’s all about experimentation and exploring different forms of stimulation,” Moore says.
So if you’re excited to change things up in the bedroom, grab your partner and try out these sexpert-recommended positions.
1. Missionary with a pillow
Whoever said missionary position was boring clearly never tried out this variation suggested by Moore. Before you begin, simply place a pillow below the woman’s hips to elevate them slightly, Moore instructs.<
This simple modification allows for deeper penetration and increased clitoral stimulation. “The added support and elevation can intensify sensations and increase pleasure,” Moore explains.
2. Cowgirl
Giddy up, partner. The cowgirl position encourages friction against the clitoris, which is often key for the female orgasm. “When riding in this position, you can choose the pace, depth, and angle of penetration, which can help you find what feels best,” explains Joy Berkheimer, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., LGBTQ sexologist.
To perform the cowgirl, one partner will lie flat on their back with their legs out straight, while the other partner will sit on top of them in a straddling position, facing their head, Berkheimer explains. Then, the seated partner can insert their partner’s penis or a sex toy into their vagina.
3. Reverse Cowgirl
This take on the woman-on-top position offers the same pleasure-benefits and control as the regular cowgirl position. Set up the same way, but instead of sitting face-to-face, the partner on top will face toward their partner’s feet.
Berkheimer notes that the reverse cowgirl position offers a ton of versatility and suggests trying out the following variations:
Have the partner on top lean forward on their hands while bouncing their hips up and down. The partner on top can stay upright and lean on their knees, or they can grind their hips back and forth.
Have the partner on top lean back and support their weight with their feet and their hands stretched out behind them. They can move their body up and down or back and forth.
4. The lotus
Truly get to a deeper level with this intimate position. The lotus position “allows for intimate eye contact, deep penetration, and the opportunity for the woman to control the rhythm and depth of thrusting,” Moore explains. “The close physical connection and clitoral stimulation can enhance pleasure.”
To get into this position, begin with both partners facing one another. The penetrating partner will be seated in a cross-legged position while the other straddles her partner’s lap, wrapping her legs around their waist.
5. Doggy style
Moore and Berkheimer both suggest adding the classic doggy-style position to your list. It involves the woman on all fours, while the other partner penetrates from behind. It’s a versatile position, allowing for anal or vaginal penetration, with a penis, strap-on, finger, or other sex toy, Berkheimer explains.
“This position allows for deeper penetration and provides an opportunity to stimulate the G-spot,” Moore adds. “The angle of entry can create intense sensations, and the hands are free to explore the clitoris or other erogenous zones.”
6. Queening
If you’re looking for sex without intercourse, queening is the way to go for some oral pleasure. “This position gives direct stimulation to the clitoris and several other erogenous zones at the same time,” Berkehimer says.
In this position, the partner will lie down flat on their back while the woman places her legs around their shoulders with her vulva on their mouth. The woman on top can hover or take a seat while holding the wall or her partner’s head while receiving oral sex. Plus, this position frees up the seated partner’s hands to explore her thighs, breasts, stomach, or buttocks while performing oral sex.
7. Spooning
You and your partner might spoon while watching TV or relaxing for the night, but if you haven’t experienced the position sexually—you should. “This position offers intimacy and allows for deep penetration while providing a sense of comfort and relaxation,” Moore explains. “The woman can control the pressure and angle of penetration by adjusting the position of her legs.”
The position involves both partners lying on their sides, with the penetrating partner positioned behind. The penetrating partner simply performs thrusting movements and can even reach around to stimulate the clitoris or breasts for added pleasure, Moore says.
8. Butterfly
The butterfly position is similar to missionary but with a few fun twists. It allows for (you guessed it) deep penetration, and is perfect for cervical and clitoral stimulation, according to Moore. “The angle of entry and the pressure against the pubic bone can contribute to intense pleasure,” adds Moore.
To get into the position, the woman lies down on her back, on a bed or table, with her hips at the edge. The penetrating partner will stand at the end of the surface being used facing the woman, entering under their legs from a standing position.
We’re a post-monogamy generation in more ways than one: Our fridges house anywhere from two to 16 varieties of “milk.” We select television programs from 11 competing streaming services. Come dinner time, we opt between hundreds of regional cuisines, all available to us within minutes. We’re spoiled for choice, so to speak, and that ethos extends to our romantic proclivities, as well — which is to say, we’re living in the era of the open relationship.
“Sexuality operates in a part of the brain closer to thirst and hunger. It’s primal. It’s not always logical,” says Dr. Helen E. Fisher, PhD, biological anthropologist, human sexuality expert, and senior research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. “And open relationships allow for transparency and exploration around that urge without sacrificing your pair bond.”
Nevertheless, for a demographic largely brought up around “pair bonding” culture — blame reproductive instincts and social conditioning — non-monogamy is not an easy practice for many of us to adopt. “A great relationship takes more than attraction — it takes shared commitment and work. And all parties have to be willing to put in the effort,” says Sara C. Flowers, DrPH, vice president of education & training at Planned Parenthood Federation of America.
It’s for this reason that, in spite of its more recent popularity, non-monogamy is still in its beta phase. So, in order to help alleviate some of the uncharted anxieties that accompany redefining the nature of your partnership, we’ve built out a primer to add to the ethical non-monogamy oeuvre. Ahead, we’ve consulted sexual health counselors, relationship psychologists, and folks in successful non-monogamous partnerships to help assemble a beginner’s guide to practicing non-monogamy — without sacrificing your romantic well-being in the process. Here’s where to start.
Broach the topic in a safe, comfortable space
Perhaps this goes without saying, but a prix fixe meal out on the town may not be the ideal setting for an initial conversation about the terms of your monogamy. It’s entirely possible that your partner may need space to think, to react, to emote. They may need to cry, to yell, to take a moment away from you in order to gather their thoughts. So be sure to choose a setting that’ll allow them the freedom to indulge that.
“Maybe you write your partner a really long email so they have time to chew it all over on their time before you discuss,” suggests Dr. Fisher. “Maybe you address the matter at home. If you have kids, maybe you make sure they’re off with a babysitter.” You know your partner. You know the ways they process, so make your arrangements accordingly. If this is going to work, it’s going to require a lot of difficult communication, so make sure you’re starting out on the right foot.
“If you’re bringing this up out of the blue, it’s also important to make sure your partner knows that you really care for them and that you’re not abandoning them,” Dr. Fisher adds. “This is not the first step out of the relationship, it’s a way of bolstering a partnership you still want to prioritize.” Simply put, you’re not asking to be single — you’re looking to test out modes of exploration that’ll (theoretically) help you continue to choose your primary partner every day.
Make sure both parties are properly on board
“In the long run, this is not going to work unless both people actually want to do it,” says Dr. Fisher. “So, the first thing you have to do once you’ve started the discussion is figure out whether your partner really wants to give this a shot, or whether they’re just trying to please you, because if they’re compromising for your sake, it’s going to fail.”
As she explains it, human beings are not animals that share well. Sure, we all tend to experience varying levels of jealousy — perhaps innately, perhaps based on previous relationship or family trauma — and given that human beings have been practicing forms of monogamy for reproductive sake for years, it’s inevitable that unlearning that mode of loving is hard. You have to respect that it won’t appeal to everyone, that it may even be offensive to some.
“Consent, in the context of non-monogamy, means being clear with your partner(s) about what you want, and where your boundaries are,” adds Dr. Flowers. “Consent should always be Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific (FRIES). In practice, that means everyone involved must genuinely want to be in an open relationship. They should know exactly what they’re getting into, and they should understand that they can change their mind if things feel uncomfortable.” That said, people are not static. Part of upholding the contract of consent requires checking in with your partner frequently and re-establishing the baseline of your arrangement.
Outline the terms of your agreement
There is no one-size-fits-all approach to non-monogamy — which is to say, you’ll need to define all the terms of your particular agreement together. Are you interested in having romantic relationships with secondary partners or is the arrangement purely sexual? As a couple, do you want to tell your friends about the arrangement? Your children? Are folks in your immediate circle off limits? Are you allowed to bring new partners home? How much will you share with one another regarding your exploits?
“‘Rules’ is a big word, but there are definitely considerations we take for each other,” says Jackson*, 24, who has been in a non-monogamous relationship for nearly four years. “One major consideration is sharing the experiences we have outside of the relationship with each other. If there’s nothing hidden, the waters are less murky. And it can be fun and even erotic to share stories of our outside entanglements with one another.”
Of course, it’s likely that your terms will change as your experience unfolds in actuality, rather than in theory. Dr. Fisher even suggests outlining your agreement on paper, so you’re able to revisit your “contract” at will. “I’ve worked with clients who prefer swinging because you’re always engaging with secondary partners together,” says Dr. Fisher. “And for other people, it’s all about determining whose money you spend on dates, or which nights are off limits for secondary partners, or what spaces, beds, restaurants, cities are primary partner territory, only.”
No two non-monogamy agreements are exactly alike — and that’s why it’s important to give this stage the proper time to breathe. Go back and forth, consult friends about their experiences, read internet forums, watch documentaries, open your brain up to the absolutely limitless quantity of potential approaches to this breed of intimacy. “Folks will rarely tell you about the inordinate amount of time it takes to discuss all this — be prepared, come at it with endurance, leave no stone unturned,” adds Dr. Fisher.
Prioritize your sexual health
Unlike with being single, exploring your sexuality while maintaining a primary partnership means that one person’s actions can affect both parties’ sexual health. You’ll need to agree on your stances on contraceptives, birth control, regular STI tests, and plenty of other issues regarding your collective sexual well-being.
“Communication, empathy, and safer sex practices are important in any romantic relationship,” says Dr. Flowers. “All parties have to be willing to put in the effort. Have open and honest conversations about sex. Take care of your sexual health. Talk to your partner about how you’re going to protect each other against infections and unintended pregnancy. Get tested for STIs regularly.” Ensure that you and your partner have aligned on your policies re: condoms and other forms of birth control. Maintain standing appointments to get tested. Make sure you’re prioritizing one another’s health, even while exploring your sexuality.
Check in with one another regularly
“For us, the rules are always evolving. I think that’s one of the biggest challenges for me in being non-monogamous,” says Rachel*, 31 who has been in an open relationship with her girlfriend for three years. “Knowing that what felt okay last week might not work this week, and having the confidence to advocate for yourself and being able to listen to what your partner needs are all things that have become huge aspects of our relationship.”
Given that the nature of the arrangement is new, it’s likely that you’ll have plenty of cause to revisit your agreement, and the ways it’s affecting you both as a couple and as individuals. After your initial discussion, Dr. Fisher recommends setting a date for regular check-ins, whether it’s a weekly touch base or something far less frequent. That way, you’ll have designated time set aside to litigate without allowing the subject of non-monogamy to leak into all other spaces in your life
Remember, while indulging in forms of secondary partnership, it’s important to make sure you’re still nourishing your primary relationship with all the affection and attention it deserves. Be it a weekly date night, regular vacations, or regular home-cooked meals, factor in time for the two of you as a couple. “Non-monogamy requires so much talking: talking about how you’re feeling, talking about how they’re feeling, talking through past events, talking through hypothetical scenarios,” adds Rachel*. “It can feel like all you do is have hard relationship conversations. It’s important to have those, but make sure you’re also just shooting the shit and getting to enjoy each other.”
Give yourselves an exit strategy
In exploring the thresholds of non-monogamy with your partner, you do indeed run the risk of one or both of you determining that an open relationship simply isn’t working — or at the very least, isn’t serving the sanctity of the primary partnership. And according to Dr. Fisher, if you decide to end the arrangement, you need to decide as a couple. “You need to commit, together, to going back to a pair bond,” she says. “And that means also communicating with any other secondary partners in your life that you’re refocusing on your primary partner, and your outside relationships will need to come to a close.”
If you and your partner are on different pages about closing your relationship, it’s a hard topic to broach, so you’ll need to put some tools in place to make sure you both have the freedom to tap out, whether that’s a timeline on attempting non-monogamy before making a decision together, or a safe word, or a promise to consult an expert to help you facilitate the transition. Utilize resources like your local Planned Parenthood chapter to help navigate obstacles when you feel you’re out of your depth.
Moreover, for couples reinstating monogamy, Dr. Fisher advises steering away from language around “going back.” Partnership is about moving forward. Regression is not an option. Instead, you’ll want to set a precedent for new ways of nourishing your pair bond. “Novelty drives up the dopamine system in the brain, and it can trigger feelings of romantic love or help sustain them,” she explains. “So be honest with your partner about things that make you feel complacent. Talk about ways of injecting your relationship with novelty that don’t include other partners. Continue to build a new partnership with this person you love.”
* Names have been changed to protect the identity of the speaker
It’s time, once again, to post my annual pride posting.
In my lifetime I’ve witnessed a most remarkable change in societal attitudes toward those of us on the sexual fringe. One only needs to go back 50 years in time. I was 17 years old then and I knew I was queer. When I looked out on the world around me this is what I saw. Homosexuality was deemed a mental disorder by the nation’s psychiatric authorities, and gay sex was a crime in every state but Illinois. Federal workers could be fired merely for being gay.
Today, gays and trans folks serve openly in the military, work as TV news anchors and federal judges, win elections as big-city mayors and members of Congress. Popular TV shows have gay and trans protagonists.
Six years ago this month, a Supreme Court ruling lead to the legalization of same-sex marriage throughout the whole country.
The transition over five decades has been far from smooth — replete with bitter protests, anti-gay violence, backlashes that inflicted many political setbacks, and AIDS. Unlike the civil rights movement and the women’s liberation movement, the campaign for gay rights unfolded without household-name leaders.
And yet some still experience a backlash in the dominant culture. I don’t relish the idea, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention it. And while we endure this be reminded that it won’t smart nearly as much if we know our history. And we should also remember the immortal words of Martin Luther King, Jr. “The moral arc of the universe bends at the elbow of justice.”
In honor of gay pride month, a little sex history lesson — The Stonewall Riots
The confrontations between demonstrators and police at The Stonewall Inn, a mafia owned bar in Greenwich Village NYC over the weekend of June 27-29, 1969 are usually cited as the beginning of the modern Lesbian/Gay liberation Movement. What might have been just another routine police raid on a bar patronized by homosexuals became the pivotal event that sparked the entire modern gay rights movement.
The Stonewall riots are now the stuff of myth. Many of the most commonly held beliefs are probably untrue. But here’s what we know for sure.
In 1969, it was illegal to operate any business catering to homosexuals in New York City — as it still is today in many places in the world. The standard procedure was for New York City’s finest to raid these establishments on a regular basis. They’d arrest a few of the most obvious ‘types’ harass the others and shake down the owners for money, then they’d let the bar open as usual by the next day.
Myth has it that the majority of the patrons at the Stonewall Inn were black and Hispanic drag queens. Actually, most of the patrons were probably young, college-age white guys lookin for a thrill and an evening out of the closet, along with the usual cadre of drag queens and hustlers. It was reasonably safe to socialize at the Stonewall Inn for them, because when it was raided the drag queens and bull-dykes were far more likely to be arrested then they were.
After midnight June 27-28, 1969, the New York Tactical Police Force called a raid on The Stonewall Inn at 55 Christopher Street in NYC. Many of the patrons who escaped the raid stood around to witness the police herding the “usual suspects” into the waiting paddywagons. There had recently been several scuffles where similar groups of people resisted arrest in both Los Angeles and New York.
Stonewall was unique because it was the first time gay people, as a group, realized that what threatened drag queens and bull-dykes threatened them all.
Many of the onlookers who took on the police that night weren’t even homosexual. Greenwich Village was home to many left-leaning young people who had cut their political teeth in the civil rights, anti-war and women’s lib movements.
As people tied to stop the arrests, the mêlée erupted. The police barricaded themselves inside the bar. The crowd outside attempted to burn it down. Eventually, police reinforcements arrived to disperse the crowd. But this just shattered the protesters into smaller groups that continued to mill around the streets of the village.
A larger crowd assembled outside the Stonewall the following night. This time young gay men and women came to protest the raids that were commonplace in the city. They held hands, kissed and formed a mock chorus line singing; “We are the Stonewall Girls/We wear our hair in curls/We have no underwear/We show our pubic hair.” Don’t ‘cha just love it?
Police successfully dispersed this group without incident. But the print media picked up the story. Articles appeared in the NY Post, Daily News and The Village Voice. Theses helped galvanize the community to rally and fight back.
Within a few days, representatives of the Mattachine Society and the Daughters of Bilitis (two of the country’s first homophile rights groups) organized the city’s first ever “Gay Power” rally in Washington Square. Some give hundred protesters showed up; many of them gay and lesbians.
The riots led to calls for homosexual liberation. Fliers appeared with the message: “Do you think homosexuals are revolting? You bet your sweet ass we are!” And the rest, boys and girls, is as they say is history.
During the first year after Stonewall, a whole new generation of organizations emerged, many identifying themselves for the first time as “Gay.” This not only denoted sexual orientation, but a radical way to self-identify with a growing sense of open political activism. Older, more staid homophile groups soon began to make way for the more militant groups like the Gay Liberation Front.
The vast majority of these new activists were under thirty; dr dick’s generation, don’t cha know. We were new to political organizing and didn’t know that this was as ground-breaking as it was. Many groups formed on colleges campuses and in big cities around the world.
By the following summer, 1970, groups in at least eight American cities staged simultaneous events commemorating the Stonewall riots on the last Sunday in June. The events varied from a highly political march of three to five thousand in New York to a parade with floats for 1200 in Los Angeles. Seven thousand showed up in San Francisco.
In order to get down and play with submission, you have to relinquish the societal norms of “masculinity.” Being submissive means relishing in surrendering, relaxing and being turned on by not being the one in charge during sex. It’s a chance to let go and capitulate.
And this scares people a whole lot. Many men want to embrace and enjoy this side of themselves but are worried about the social implications of handing over their power to a partner. It can feel too vulnerable, even when it’s something you desire very badly.
Why is it so frightening to want to embrace your inner sub as a cis dude? In short, toxic masculinity. “Somehow, still in the year 2023, many people consider subbing to be a feminine activity, so men are ashamed to explore a submissive side sexually,” explains Zachary Zane, the author ofBoyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and sex expert for Momentum Intimacy. “They think it makes them ‘less of a real man.’”
Suffice to say, this is ridiculous. You’re not “less manly” just because you want to get pegged, tied up or slapped while in the sack. In fact, the men who are able to embrace their sexual desires and have the confidence to explore are the ones showing true masculinity. To be that secure is sexy as hell.
If being submissive is something you’ve been wanting to try, you’re in really good company. It’s totally normal, fun and hot to want to get into this role. The key is embracing it is to create an experience that feels right and pleasurable for you and your partner(s). You may have a clear idea of how you see your submissive role, or you may not right now — and that’s okay! Here is everything you need to know about submission in sex, and how you can play with it in a way that feels authentic to you.
What Is a Submissive?
Before being able to be submissive, it’s important to be clear about what a submissive is and what this role entails. The role can manifest in many different ways, depending on the people involved in the play. But Dr. Celina Criss, a certified sex coach specializing in BDSM and GSRD (gender and sexual relationship diversity), tells us that “the essential core concept of submission is about intentional power exchange with a partner.”
The power exchange with submission can take place in vanilla/non-kinky sex if one partner is being submissive to the other, but usually when we refer to this dynamic, we’re talking about BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism). The submissive role is one half of a dominant/submissive (D/s) role play. The submissive hands over their power (with enthusiastic consent) to the dominant partner. “By granting the dominant their power, the submissive increases the dominant’s power over them,” Criss says. “It’s a gift that requires self-awareness and trust.”
The range of D/s activities is truly limitless, but Julieta Chiaramonte, a kink instructor and sex expert, tells us that some typical play may include “being dominated, restrained and controlled.” The sub may derive sexual pleasure from these activities, but not all D/s play involves sex.
The Appeal of Being Submissive During Sex
The reason people enjoy submission is rooted in giving up control. Criss tells us that for cis men specifically, the turn-on can be about challenging the social order. “Cis-het menfolk are traditionally expected to have greater agency and power in their social roles,” she says. Through submission, you can subvert these roles and embrace a side of yourself that isn’t traditionally expected (or accepted) of you. And the taboo nature of this is freakin’ hot.
Zane says that it’s also about simply being able to relax and not think for a hot minute. “This is especially true for overthinkers or high-powered professionals who manage a team and have to make a ton of decisions,” he says. “When you sub, you don’t need to decide anything. You simply do as you’re told. It can be very freeing.”
Lastly, the appeal of being a submissive can be plain old fun. Giving up your power in a trusting way to a dom partner and engaging in agreed-upon activities that you enjoy is a good time. “Being a sub is also associated with elements of physical pleasure that you typically don’t experience while domming,” Zane says. For example, you may like the sensation of being spanked, slapped or receiving anal stimulation when you sub. It’s a change-up.
Four Expert-Approved Tips to Play With Being the Submissive in a Safe Way
If you’re feeling inspired (and we hope you are), here’s what you can do to let your inner submissive run wild.
Do Some Research First
The first step is to take some personal time to think about your desires and limits. This takes a bit of research. “Self-awareness is essential to this kind of play because it enables partners to communicate in the creation of their dynamic, in the post-play debrief and if a scene doesn’t go as planned,” Criss says.
If you’re interested in learning about BDSM and D/s play, this beginner’s course from Chiaramonte is the perfect place to start. Part of learning is about understanding “the risks involved and [taking] steps to mitigate them,” Chiaramonte explains. “Learn about safe practices and techniques that make you feel safe in submission.”
Get Very Clear About What You Want (and Don’t Want)
Zane tells us that nothing should be a surprise when you’re engaging in this play. Scenes need to be highly negotiated beforehand, which takes clear and honest communication. He suggests considering the following questions: What do you like to be called during sex? Where do you want to be spanked? Do you like spit in your mouth? Do you like your hair pulled? Is anal play on the table?
“Have a safe word,” he adds. “You may think something turns you on, but then in the scene, you feel uncomfortable. That’s totally okay. You’re allowed to stop at any point.”
Take It Slowly
Our experts agree that taking things slowly is absolutely essential when you’re starting out with playing as the submissive. It is vulnerable territory, both emotionally and physically, and therefore it should be handled with caution and care. “Start with some dirty talk,” Zane says. “See how that feels. Then maybe incorporate some light spanking. There’s truly no rush. If you enjoy what you’re doing, you can then take it one step further.”
Once you feel safe and comfortable, you can open yourself up to more advanced play.
Have a Plan for Aftercare
Aftercare is the period post-scene where you take some time to come down and return to baseline. Emotions run high during D/s scenes — and when you’re playing with power dynamics as a cis dude, intense feelings can come up because of all the societal pressure around what it means to “be a man.” Zane suggests having “your partner hold you, bring you water or support you in another way once the scene is over.”
Remember, playing with the submissive does not say anything about who you are as a person. It simply means you enjoy certain kinds of dynamics in the bedroom. Everyone deserves to have the kind of sex they enjoy and to feel safe in expressing their desires.
When and where did you learn about sexuality, and how have your beliefs about sexuality changed since then? I love asking this question. Why? Because growing up, sex and sexuality weren’t openly discussed in many households, including mine.
“Our sexuality sits at the core of who we are as human beings and influences our self-esteem, confidence, belief systems, how we show up in the world and so much more.”
Sexuality is a complex and multi-layered component of our human identity that surpasses physical intimacy and sexual acts.
Questions like this offer insight into our history, culture, upbringing, beliefs, life experiences and present awareness. They challenge us to reflect on our sexual beginnings and examine how things have evolved.
For most of my life, sex and sexuality were the same. Today, I know that sexuality is far more expansive than who we sleep with. Our sexuality sits at the core of who we are as human beings and influences our self-esteem, confidence, belief systems, how we show up in the world and so much more.
Sexuality is a complex and multi-layered component of our human identity that surpasses physical intimacy and sexual acts. It’s a personal journey, sometimes a nuanced experience and often something we don’t understand until much later in life.
As we get older, we seek more profound levels of closeness and connection.
Sexuality Beyond Sex
In understanding your sexuality beyond the idea of physical intimacy and sexual acts, let’s think about the six following aspects:
1. Sexual Self: Who are you as a sexual being at this stage of your life?
This includes your biology, anatomy, ability to engage in specific sexual behaviors, identity, desires, preferences, interests and kinks, etc. All of these things add shape and dimension to your sexuality.
2. Emotional Intimacy: Which sexual identity(s) or gender(s)?
As we get older, we seek more profound levels of closeness and connection. Our sexuality offers information about who we choose to be vulnerable to with regard to sharing our thoughts, emotions, compassion and support.
3. Mental: Who are you, and how do you see and feel about yourself?
Your sexuality, personality, values, beliefs, confidence and self-esteem are pieces of your most authentic self. They influence your mental health, overall well-being, relationship with yourself and ability to engage and interact with others.
4. Romantic Attraction: Who’s the partner for you?
Your sexuality offers information about who or what types of humans with whom you experience intense feelings, longing for affection, emotional connection, willingness to commit and desire for a future together.
5. Social and Cultural Norms: What will people think?
We may not want to admit it, but most of us struggle with navigating what other people think – even in a small way. The opinions of friends, loved ones, neighbors, media and the world around us play a significant role in our behaviors, decision-making and, ultimately, our ability to live authentically.
6. Aesthetic Attraction: What’s your type?
Aesthetic attraction is different from sexual attraction. Aesthetic attraction is being attracted to or drawn in by someone’s physical appearance.
It includes physical features and appreciation of their beauty, style, figure and facial features. Unlike sexual attraction, these characteristics may or may not incite sexual desire.
These six components are part of our sexuality. They are unique to each individual and may change at any point during one’s life. Our sexuality and who we are sexually play a significant role in how we feel about ourselves. It also informs how we feel about our relationships and, ultimately, our ability to achieve happiness.
It’s a good practice to review these areas at different stages of our lives to cultivate a deeper sense of self-awareness and evaluate alignment within ourselves and with others.
Understanding and Exploration
Who am I sexually, and what does that mean? Our ability to understand, accept and embrace ourselves impacts our capacity to live happier, healthier and more fulfilling lives.
Sexuality is a fundamental part of who we are, and examining our desires, boundaries, interests, and needs becomes more important as we progress through life. For many, age can be a catalyst for comfort in being one’s most authentic self.
It can create the time and space to work on things like:
For many, age can be a catalyst for comfort in being one’s most authentic self.
Personal growth and making better decisions
Engaging in activities that are more aligned with our interests
Focusing on things that bring us joy and fulfillment
Prioritizing our health
Retirement or career changes
Spending time with family and friends
All these things help us acquire a deeper understanding and a greater sense of self and self-awareness. We can find acceptance in embracing our most authentic selves and, in turn, expand our capacity for happiness and having a pleasurable life.
Age also brings physical, mental, emotional and sexual changes, and many of these changes aren’t within our control. With this in mind, it’s essential to approach these changes with compassion and grace instead of shame, blame or judgment.
It may be helpful to have an open mind and explore new experiences as our minds, bodies and desires may call for different things later in life. Exploration can be both solo and shared experiences not limited to sex.
It can be an exciting process to assess our sexual preferences, determine who we want to explore with, engage in various forms of intimacy (physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual and experiential), practice open and honest communication about needs, identify challenges, desires and pleasure, and experiment with different mental and physical stimulation forms.
In addition, we can use exploration as an opportunity to discover what feels right for us and hone in on the unique and personal aspects of our sexual self at our current stage of life and beyond.
Cultivating a healthy and fulfilling relationship with our sexual self is a lifelong process essential to our overall well-being. It’s best to approach this process with an open and curious mind and seek support from professionals, health care providers, therapists and other support systems if and when needed.
A few years ago, an A was added to the end of the official queer acronym, making it LGBTQIA+. This was a huge moment for the asexual or “ace” community, as it was a sign that asexuality was becoming part of more mainstream conversations about queerness.
So much so, that you yourself have probably heard a lot more about asexuality in pop culture and in conversations over the last few years. But do you know what asexuality really means?
“Asexuality is surrounded by myths, and marked by a distinct lack of information, research and representation in mainstream society,” says sexologist and sex coach Georgia Grace. “Asexuality and being part of the ace community is traditionally defined as having no sexual attraction towards others or yourself. But like all areas of sexuality, asexuality can exist on a spectrum — it is a really individual experience.”
On this spectrum, we can broadly categorise three general “types” of asexuality that can help explain an asexual person’s relationship to sex.
Sex-repulsed asexual people are usually completely disinterested in the act or idea of sex. Sex-neutral asexuals are often those in relationships with non-asexual partners — generally, they aren’t closed off to the idea of sex and probably engage in it fairly regularly, but also don’t go out of their way to have sex with their partner/s. And finally, there are sex-positive asexuals, who enjoy having sex for physical pleasure but still don’t experience sexual attraction to others.
“There are also other related sexual orientations, like demisexuality, which means you can only feel sexual attraction after you already feel a close emotional bond with someone,” Grace explains. “And then there’s the ‘grey area’, which is a term for people who feel like asexuality almost describes them but isn’t quite right. There’s also homoaesthetic attraction, which is having a strong attraction to one gender that isn’t sexual — it may also be referred to as aesthetic attraction or platonic attraction.”
One of the bigger misconceptions about asexual people is that they don’t enjoy companionship or physical touch whatsoever. In reality, asexuality is just a new way of looking at people’s experiences and feelings towards sex and the value it has in our lives.
When it comes to dating, many asexual people still experience feelings of love and romance and desire a relationship (though, of course, others don’t enjoy it). For people who don’t experience romantic attraction but still feel sexual attraction, they might be better described as aromantic. But how does an asexual person successfully date or be in a relationship, especially if they’re dating a non-asexual person?
“Dating as an asexual person comes with its challenges, like managing social and cultural expectations as well as how you and others feel,” Grace explains. “One of the biggest misconceptions is that asexual people don’t want connections. In our broader discussion of asexuality, it’s useful to distinguish between attraction and desire — a distinction that I think is relevant for all of us to be aware of.”
In terms of where they differ, attraction is simply something that piques your interest. “For example, you see someone and can recognise that you are physically, emotionally, socially or sexually attracted to that person; and you find them compelling to look at or be around,” Grace says. Desire on the other hand is the urge or drive to have sex. “In the words of sexologist Kass Mourikis, ‘Desire is like a motivational system. It’s the reason or the meaning behind your draw to sex’,” Grace says.
“Desire and attraction can co-exist and they can be separate, depending on the context and people involved,” Grace says. “You can want to have sex but not be attracted to a particular person in that moment — or you can be really attracted to someone and not want to have sex with them. What’s important to remember is that both dynamics are human and normal.”
For asexual people in a relationship, sexual attraction to their partner may not be relevant to their sexual experiences, but they might still find themselves feeling desire for someone or something at different points in time. For others, they won’t desire it at all, but it doesn’t mean they can’t find a way to still enjoy physical intimacy with a non-asexual partner — like in any relationship, it’s about finding a happy medium between each other’s desires and interests, whilst always giving and receiving consent.
At the end of the day, being in a relationship with an asexual person is all about managing expectations, learning how each other likes to experience intimacy, and making space for new understandings around the prioritisation of sex and how this differs for people across the asexuality spectrum.
Ultimately, there are many different experiences of asexuality, and there’s a lot more to it than simply not having sex. The most important thing for anyone to understand about asexuality, though, is that asexual people can still have fulfilling relationships and experience physical pleasure.
— SF State prof sees reasons for rethinking LGBTQ history
San Francisco State University professor Marc Stein holds a copy of his new book, a second edition of “Rethinking the Gay and Lesbian Movement.”
by Brian Bromberger
For Marc Stein, professor of history at San Francisco State University, queer history is a calling, realizing he is part of a network and a community of gay intellectuals. Many U.S. college history departments don’t even define queer history as a bona fide field or it’s been ghettoized to a few classes, despite the fact courses in the subject are very popular with students. Even Stein is technically a historian of constitutional law and politics at SF State.
Stein has become an evangelist for the promotion of gay and lesbian history, rooted in his orientation as an activist. His passion for the field is exhibited in his newest book, a totally revised second edition of his 2012 classic, “Rethinking the Gay and Lesbian Movement,” (Routledge, $42.95) including a new chapter, “LGBT and Queer Activism Beyond 1990.” When he wrote the first edition his aim was to provide an up-to-date account of the movement that was “national in scope, comprehensive in chronology, and synthetic in ambition,” he noted.
In his book’s introduction, Stein lists the reason why gay and lesbian history needs to be rethought: to help address the widespread lack of knowledge about that history; to serve the needs of today’s gender and sexual dissidents, along with everyone who identifies with the movement’s agendas and aspirations; and to teach people about some of the major political and philosophical questions that have absorbed the U.S., such as what is meant when referring to freedom, liberty, equality, and democracy, especially pertinent in these politically partisan and divisive times.
Stein mentions that studying this history can help readers reflect on why some people become activists, why movements develop when and where they do, why they adopt particular strategies and goals, and why they rise and fall. He notes in the introduction that the book also underscores the historicity and variability of sex, gender, and sexuality, especially how these forces changed the movement and vice versa; shows how people can support those who are working to promote equality, freedom and justice in the 21st century; and finally, to show the interrelationship between political and cultural activism, which has promoted social change.
Stein, 59, discussed the new second edition with the Bay Area Reporter in an email interview, and explained why he decided to add the new chapter.
“As a gay man who was born in the 1960s and came of age in the 1980s, I’ve long been fascinated by the history of the 1950s, 1960s, and 1970s, the decades that most directly shaped the world I came to know in the 1980s,” Stein wrote. “I don’t think historians are particularly good at analyzing the present or the very recent past. Other types of scholars, including sociologists and political scientists, tend to focus on the present. But many publishers and many members of the public commonly want historians to include a ‘bring the story up to the present’ chapter or conclusion. I often teach my students that those chapters are commonly the weakest in historical studies. As I say in both editions of my ‘Rethinking’ book, that perspective haunted the writing of the book’s final chapter.
“In any case, I was pleased when Routledge informed me that my volume was one of the most successful in its social movements series and commissioned me to write a second edition. Since the original version was published before the U.S. Supreme Court’s same-sex marriage decisions and before the Trump era, the 2012 edition was outdated,” he added, referring to the high court’s Obergefell v. Hodges ruling in 2015 that legalized same-sex marriage nationwide and Donald Trump’s election as president in 2016.
“I originally was only going to substantially revise the final chapter, but because there’s been such great LGBT history scholarship about the pre-1990 era published in the last decade, I ended up revising the whole book. Because the post-1990 period now includes the Trump era, I was able to strengthen my arguments against historical narratives that assume that progress is linear and inevitable,” Stein stated.
Stein writes that the gay and lesbian movement has been replaced or superseded by LGBTQ and other movements in the post-1990s era. There’s even been controversy in the title of his book.
“My book’s title has been misunderstood as implying that I am anti-queer or that I don’t appreciate the broader coalition that we invoke when we refer to the LGBTQ+ movement,” he wrote in the email. “Nothing could be further from the truth. I helped found an early queer activist group, Queer Action, in Philadelphia in the early 1990s. My first book, published in 2000, offers critically queer perspectives on the history of gay and lesbian politics in Philadelphia. I have commonly used LGBT, LGBTQ, and queer as key terms in other projects. But as a historian, I believe it’s important to be true to the historical evidence of the periods we’re studying.”
Stein doesn’t think there was an LGBTQ+ movement before the 1990s, but rather a gay and lesbian movement.
“For most of the period from 1950 to 1990, the gay and lesbian movement functioned largely as just that; it was commonly anti-bisexual and anti-trans, even as bisexuals and trans people argued for the gay and lesbian movement to change,” Stein explained. “Bisexual and trans people were part of the gay and lesbian movement, but that doesn’t mean the movement prioritized their issues. People with disabilities were part of the movement, but we don’t talk about the [lesbian, gay, disabled] movement because the movement did not organize or understand itself that way.”
Stein stated that a largely autonomous trans movement started in the 1950s and 1960s, which he discusses in the book.
“Starting in the 1970s, there was a largely autonomous bisexual movement and I discuss that,” he stated. “We know of key episodes in the 1960s, 1970s, and 1980s when bisexual and trans activists pushed the gay and lesbian movement to be more inclusive; they commonly failed in those efforts until the 1990s. ‘Rethinking the Gay and Lesbian Movement’ devotes lots of attention to these issues, in some cases more so than other books that purport to cover LGBTQ+ history, but I try to avoid the problem of projecting today’s favored terms and concepts onto historical periods when they don’t work particularly well.”
People filled the Castro to celebrate the U.S. Supreme Court’s same-sex marriage decision on June 26, 2015.
Political coalitions
Stein is interested in the ways in which political coalitions come together and fall apart.
“I think the LGBTQ+ political coalition is a remarkable achievement; we should pay attention to how, why, and when it happened (and how, why, and when it did not include other groups that might have become part of the coalition but didn’t),” he wrote in the email. “I’m glad that since the 1990s we’ve developed a stronger LGBTQ+ political coalition; I just don’t believe that we should minimize the efforts that it required to make that happen. As for the future, movements come, go, change, adapt, and reconfigure themselves. It would be arrogant for anyone to assume that today’s language and today’s way of thinking will be embraced by future generations; haven’t we learned enough from the past to know better?”
Queer activism today
In characterizing the new queer activism of today, Stein stated that he resists the tendency to consign the pre-1990 movement to the dustbin of history.
“It shows that much of what queer activism values — celebration of gender and sexual dissidence; rejection of gender and sexual privilege; critiques of racism, sexism, capitalism, colonialism, and ableism; intersectional multiculturalism — existed in nascent form in the pre-1990 era,” Stein stated. “But something happened in the 1990s, when radically queer tendencies within larger LGBTQ+ worlds became more influential and powerful. This had happened before — in the immediate aftermath of Stonewall, for example, and in the second half of the 1980s, when radical AIDS activism emerged — but in the early 1990s there was a more sustained transformation, one that was significant enough that we now find it difficult to talk about the ‘gay and lesbian’ movement when we’re talking about post-1990 developments.”
Stein also talked about the gay and lesbian movement’s biggest success and failure.
“If we’re talking about the period from 1950 to 1990, I would say that the movement’s biggest success was changing mainstream and lesbian/gay ideas about lesbian/gay people,” he wrote in the email. “We could talk about concrete policy successes, including the 1973 declassification of homosexuality as a mental illness; the decriminalization of sodomy in half of the states in the 1960s, 1970s, and 1980s; the passage of sexual orientation anti-discrimination laws in many local and state jurisdictions in the 1970s and 1980s; and the emergence of lesbian/gay people as an important part of the Democratic Party’s electoral coalition in the same period. But underlying all of those policy successes was lesbian/gay political mobilization, which transformed mainstream and lesbian/gay consciousness about gender and sexuality.
“As for the biggest failure, I think the movement was more successful at combating anti-homosexual bias, discrimination, and prejudice than it was in challenging heteronormative privilege,” Stein stated. “The movement succeeded to some extent at convincing many straight people to adopt ‘live and let live’ philosophies, but not at forcing straight people to renounce their special rights and privileges or encouraging everyone to come out. More concretely, I think the movement of 1950 to 1990 failed at transforming the country’s educational system, which continues to relentlessly reproduce heterosexuality, heteronormativity, and gender normativity.”
Current backlash
Stein was asked how to interpret the rash of anti-trans legislation sweeping across the country and whether it’s a backlash to the queer movement’s successes.
“I think in part we can see the rise of anti-trans legislation as an example of backlash politics, and the particular type of backlash politics that bullies some of the most vulnerable components of a disenfranchised community,” Stein stated. “Without the trans-affirmative reforms that occurred in the 1990s, 2000s, and 2010s, I don’t think we would be seeing the anti-trans backlash that we are seeing in the 2020s. But, there’s also something else going on that relates to the politics of conservatism, populist conservatism, and fascism, in and beyond the United States.
“In the 1960s and 1970s, key conservative leaders in the United States made critical decisions about the future of their electoral coalition,” he explained. “Faced with the prospects of permanent political marginalization, foreign policy and economic conservatives formed coalitions with religious and social conservatives, most notably in the Christian right. By the Trump era, the culturally reactionary tail was wagging the economically conservative dog. Anti-trans politics, like anti-Black and Brown, anti-abortion, and anti-immigrant politics, works by deluding working-class and middle-class white people into thinking that their interests are aligned with corporate America, traditional values, and strong-man authoritarianism rather than with broad-based democratic coalitions of the dispossessed.”
Stein also discussed the current effort on the right to ban books in schools and libraries, including many on LGBTQ topics.
“I think this is all about so-called child protection. For centuries, we’ve seen gender and sexual conservatives weaponize ideas of “child protection” to further their aims,” Stein wrote in the email. “We’ve also seen them instigate ‘moral panics,’ where popular sentiment is mobilized to address problems that are exaggerated far beyond empirically valid foundations.
“In the past, cultural discourses about sexual ‘perverts’ and gender ‘deviants’ played up the innocence of youth, who were seen as vulnerable to enticement, grooming, recruitment, and seduction,” Stein stated. “This led, for example, to the passage of ‘sexual psychopath’ laws in many states in the 1930s, 1940s, and 1950s. In the 1970s, similar dynamics led to Anita Bryant’s ‘Save Our Children’ campaign against sexual orientation anti-discrimination laws and to California’s Briggs initiative, which targeted LGBT teachers and their allies.”
Stein talked about work he has done.
“In one of my recent research projects, published this spring in the journal Law and Social Inquiry, I showed that in the 1970s, students at 14 U.S. colleges and universities, including two California State Universities, had to go to court when their institutions denied formal recognition to newly established lesbian/gay student groups; one of the common justifications offered by school administrators was that vulnerable young people might be tempted to try out homosexuality if there were officially recognized lesbian/gay student groups,” he explained.
Parallels
Stein sees many parallels between what is occurring today with what happened in the 1970s.
“In both cases, social and cultural conservatives responded to gender and sexual liberalization by attempting to freak people out with moral panics,” he stated. “Unfortunately, many media outlets play into conservative hands by reporting relentlessly on issues that are framed in reactionary terms. Today, for example, we rarely hear about the seven states that have mandated LGBT history education in public education [including California]; we rarely hear empowering stories about drag queen story hours; we rarely hear about the joys of athletic competition from the perspectives of young trans people and their allies.
“We also don’t hear about the ways in which social and cultural conservatives want our children to be taught rigid and inflexible ways of thinking about gender and sexuality — we don’t hear, for example, about the ways in which traditional educational practices offer up narrow and propagandistic lessons about gender identities and sexual orientation,” he added. “It would be fascinating to see what would happen if the states that are banning public school lessons about gender identity and sexual orientation actually were true to that notion — imagine a future world in which ‘boys’ were not taught to be ‘boys,’ ‘girls’ were not taught to be ‘girls,’ and children were not taught to be straight!
“As for book banning in particular, this arises in all of the contexts I’ve just mentioned, but it also arises in the context of declining support for public education in the United States, attacks on colleges and universities, and anti-intellectualism in public discourse,” Stein stated. “LGBTQ+ liberals and leftists should be mobilizing to support public education, not just to defend LGBTQ+ interests. Beyond that, I would just add that it’s a little bizarre to be focusing on banning books at this particular historical moment, when information is increasingly shared in forms other than books.”
Effort to silence queer history
Stein is concerned about the silencing of queer history in school curriculums.
“First, I would encourage us not to ignore the seven states that have mandated LGBT history education in public schools. When’s the last time we read a mainstream media report (or even a queer media report) about how that’s going or how things are going in the next set of states that will do likewise?”
Stein mentioned Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” law, which Republican Governor and presidential candidate Ron DeSantis signed last year that bans discussion of homosexuality or gender identity in schools through the third grade. Recently, DeSantis signed a law extending the ban through eighth grade — and the Florida Board of Education expanded the limiting of classroom instruction through 12th grade.
“As for what’s going on in more conservative states, I wrote a satirical piece recently for the History News Network that praised “R. DeSantis” for banning lessons about gender and sexuality in public schools. I was trying to get at what I hope will prove to be a legal fatal flaw in these policy initiatives,” Stein wrote. “We commonly refer to these laws as ‘don’t say gay,’ but they’re more than that: they ban lessons about gender identity and sexual orientation, which presumably means that public schools should no longer be teaching boys to be boys, girls to be girls, or all people to be straight. Imagine a second grader who asks which bathroom to use; under Florida’s new laws, the teacher should be prohibited from answering. And the laws have to be framed in theoretically neutral ways, or they would be vulnerable to First and 14th Amendment challenges based on free speech and equal protection. If interpreted literally, these laws ban teaching youth about gender and sexual normativity, just as they ban teaching youth about LGBTQ+ identities and orientations.”
Stein stated that as a college professor, the bans don’t really affect him. But he has other concerns.
“As someone who teaches in the post-secondary education sector in California, I’m not concerned about those types of bans,” he stated. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t have ongoing concerns about how we teach LGBTQ+ history in colleges and universities. My university seems to be happy to have a set of specialized courses on LGBTQ+ topics. But do colleges and universities have ways to encourage faculty who teach courses on other topics to be more inclusive of LGBTQ+ issues? Do my colleagues who teach introductory history courses incorporate LGBTQ+ history into their classes? I honestly don’t know.”
The future
Stein discussed the future of the queer movement.
“I’ll say that asking a historian to talk about the future is like asking a doctor to draw up architectural plans for a new house,” he stated. “I know this: there’s much more work to be done. My book’s new conclusion references a whole series of recent commentators who contend that the LGBTQ+ movement is finished, having succeeded in accomplishing all of its major goals. And these are not comedians. I’d like to see the movement broaden out, forming effective coalitions with other gender and sexual dissidents. I’d like to see the movement more effectively utilize creative direct action protests and mass grassroots mobilization. I’d like to see the movement focus more on education.”
Last year, Stein authored his “Queer Public History: Essays on Scholarly Activism” (University of California Press, $29.95). He defines himself as a queer scholarly activist. He explained that role.
“My ‘Queer Public History’ book reprints more than 30 essays that I’ve written for general rather than scholarly audiences, some for LGBTQ+ newspapers such as the B.A.R.,” he stated. “It also reflects on how queer publics nourished LGBTQ+ history projects, long before there was a place for LGBTQ+ history in college and university history departments. I use the notion of scholarly activism in a few different ways. It refers to the use of research for activist purposes; it refers to the activism that was necessary to make a place for LGBTQ+ studies within higher education, academic disciplines, and scholarly associations. I’ve been engaging in that work for decades and I used ‘Queer Public History’ to reflect on that.”
Accolades
Stein recently has received two accolades recognizing his role and contribution to both academic and public history.
“In January, gay public historian Jonathan Ned Katz selected me to replace him as the director of the OutHistory website,” he stated. “One of my first major exhibits on OutHistory, since becoming its director, is a study I completed with my students that documents more than 600 LGBT direct action protests from 1965 to 1973; we’re now working on expanding the study to cover 1974-76.”
The B.A.R. reported on the direct action history study when it was released in March.
“Then in April, the Organization of American Historians, which represents thousands of U.S. historians, nominated me to become its president in several years,” Stein stated. “If elected this fall (and I’m the only candidate, so I’ll be very embarrassed if I lose!), I’ll be the first president whose work has focused primarily on LGBTQ+ history and the first to come from the California State University system. I see the nomination as a statement about an entire generation of us who succeeded in using scholarly activism to make a place for LGBTQ+ history in primary, secondary, and post-secondary education.”
Ultimately, Stein believes that rethinking the history of the U.S. gay and lesbian and LGBTQ movements should lead to a more general rethinking of U.S. history.
“This will likely only occur if more students, teachers, and scholars engage in political activism to change the ways in which history is learned and taught in primary, secondary, and postsecondary educational institutions,” Stein stated. “It might mean trying to convince LGBT, queer, gender, and sexuality studies programs to make the history of political activism more central in their courses and curricula. And it might mean developing new ways to promote critical thinking about LGBT and queer history outside the classroom: in libraries and museums, on television and the internet, in film and video, and in various other venues. In other words, we need a new movement to rethink history.”
In a time where sex education isn’t mandated in many parts of the country (and the world), it’s no surprise that we don’t know where to turn for sex advice.Sex educators are often pushed off social media platforms, letting online misinformation fester.
Thankfully, here at Mashable, we pride ourselves in providing evidence-based, inclusive advice that you won’t get in school — or by watching porn, for that matter.
Here are 6 pieces of the best sex advice of 2023 (so far).
Set your boundaries
Whether you’re with a new or longtime partner, setting sexual boundaries is a must. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, though; communicating about sex can be difficult when we’re not used to it. You don’t have to rush into it, though. In fact, the first step is to figure out what your boundaries are, and only you alone can do that.
Once you know what you do and don’t want in bed, set the scene for the sensitive conversation. Set a time and private place for it. Then, use “I” statements, like “I don’t like to be touched there.” Check out our guide to setting sexual boundaries for more in-depth tips.
Why can I orgasm from masturbation, but not sex?
If you can cum on your own but not with your partner, you’re not alone. As experts told us, it’s understandable to orgasm freely by yourself; you’re not thinking about your performance, how you look, or focusing on your partner’s pleasure instead of your own. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to orgasm in partnered sex, though! Some tips are to try mutual masturbation, incorporate sex toys, and focus on exploring your own body.
Top orgasm tip
If the above tips aren’t working, maybe consider the most important ingredient to achieve orgasm: emotional safety. As sex and relationship therapist Lena Elkhatib said, “Having an orgasm requires us to be able to [be] present with the sensation of pleasure in our body and relaxed enough to allow ourselves the release at climax.” This can’t happen if we feel unsafe, which can be caused by a variety of issues, from trauma to a judgmental partner. Our brains are the biggest sex organ, so whatever’s going on “up here” will impact “down there.”
How can I last longer in bed?
Our society is obsessed with lasting longer in bed — when the reality is the average time between getting an erection and orgasming is 5-7 minutes. Still, there are expert-approved ways to take your time, including edging, and taking penetration out of the equation entirely. But remember that lasting longer doesn’t necessarily mean your partner wants to be penetrated the entire time! There are other ways both partners can pleasure each other, penetration or not.
I want to try kink…
Want to dive into Dom/sub dynamics but don’t know where to start? Look no further than our guide, which goes over the basics of what Dom/sub dynamics actually are, different ways it could play out, how to establish boundaries, and the importance of aftercare. If your knowledge of BDSM comes from TV or movies, know that there’s a lot more to explore and a lot of knowledge to learn. In fact, don’t dive into a D/s dynamic before reading up about it. And, as always: the key word is “consent.”
How to have sober sex
We’re rounding out the best sex advice of the first half of 2023 with a breakdown of how to have sex sober. For anyone who has mostly done it under the influence, sober sex can feel daunting — and that’s okay. Sex is a vulnerable act, and you may be used to dulling your senses with substances. We asked the experts for tips on how to go to into sex clear-headed, and you might even find the benefits of stone-cold sober sex — like feeling more sensations.
When you hear the words “vanilla sex,” what do you think? What kinds of adjectives come to mind? If you’re like many people, you might have a generalized or inaccurate perception of what vanilla looks like: Some people assume it’s uninteresting, boring, or only practiced by people of certain age groups, but that’s far from the truth. No matter what social media or TV shows have taught you about vanilla sex, the term actually has a straightforward, useful meaning—and no, it’s not meant to shame people who aren’t particularly kinky.
The word “vanilla” is used in the kink community as a way to distinguish stereotypical sex from kinky, fetishistic, or BDSM environments, says Sarah Melancon, PhD, a sociologist, sexologist, and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com. Having this term is important because it helps differentiate what sex looks like to different people, she explains.
“People [who practice vanilla sex] don’t really call it vanilla sex, they’re calling it sex. They don’t need to designate it, because it’s just what sex is to them,” says Melancon. And, BTW, there’s nothing wrong with that. There are even a few benefits to vanilla sex, but more on that in a moment.
Ahead, experts share insight on what it really means to be vanilla, its benefits, and common misconceptions about this kind of sex.
Meet the Experts:
Sarah Melancon, PhD, is a sociologist, sexologist, and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com.
The definition of vanilla sex can be subjective, but broadly speaking, it’s anything that falls under the umbrella of “normative” sex. “Some people define it as just PIV [penis-in-vagina] intercourse, but most people would expand that to include oral sex as well,” says Gigi Engle, a sex and intimacy expert for 3Fun. “It’s your standard sex, essentially.”
Why “vanilla,” though? ” Etymologists have struggled with its origin, but despite the wrangling, most sex historians agree that the kink world circa 1970s gets the credit for using ‘vanilla’ to refer to conventional sex,” says Gloria Brame, PhD, a sex therapist, board-certified sexologist, and author of Different Loving Too: Real People, Real Lives, Real BDSM.
In the ’70s, flavors like vanilla were used because it was an easy way of explaining how everyone likes different things—not just in the bedroom, but in life. Using a food with many variations, such as ice cream, was easier for people to understand. “By the 1980s,” adds Brame, “the term took hold throughout the rapidly-growing BDSM communities and finally reached mainstream usage.” (The more you know!)
These days, “vanilla” can also refer to what someone may or may not like in the bedroom. “[It’s] sex that isn’t kinky. So if you say you have vanilla sex, what you’re saying is ‘I’m not into kink,’ and there’s nothing wrong with that,” says Engle.
What are some misconceptions about vanilla sex?
Unfortunately, there’s a lot of unnecessary judgement surrounding the idea of vanilla sex, which can result in shame. “People will be embarrassed that they’re vanilla or they’ll say it as if it’s a bad thing,” says Engle. “But vanilla is a delicious flavor! It’s fine if that’s what you want to be.”
Below are some of the most common misconceptions, debunked.
It’s boring. Can sex be boring? Absolutely, but the fact that it’s vanilla isn’t what makes it that way. “Any sex that you have repeatedly can become boring. As humans, we crave novelty… changing up the routine is helpful for that,” says Engle. In short, you don’t have to engage in wild, risky, or explosive sex to have a great sex life. You can do something as simple as trying out a new position, bringing in a toy, or even switching up where you have sex.
It’s less evolved. Some people feel like vanilla sex is barely scraping the surface of any kind of sex at all. This idea can also stem from the judgment of others, even if the person having vanilla sex is satisfied. “For some people, it is the end point. For others, [vanilla sex] is part of an evolutionary process,” says Melancon. But whether or not vanilla is one of your go-to flavors, “it’s no less evolved than anything else,” she adds.
It’s not for queer people. Because of stereotypes around queer sex and the misconception that vanilla sex is just PIV intercourse, many people assume that queer couples don’t engage in vanilla sex. But because vanilla sex is just non-kinky, it’s possible to be queer and prefer vanilla sex, says Engle. “A lot of queer people have basic, queer sex, and it might not even be inclusive of sex toys,” she explains.
It’s not pleasurable. Because a lot of people define vanilla sex as straightforward PIV intercourse, there’s a misconception that, within cis-heterosexual dynamics, vanilla sex is less pleasurable for women. But in fact, women are more likely to orgasm during sex when they receive oral, try new sex positions, and engage in deep kissing, according to a 2017 study from Archives of Sexual Behavior—all of which can be incorporated into vanilla sex (and often are).On the flip side, there’s also a widespread idea that men don’t find vanilla sex enjoyable since it might not live up to the performative standards set in porn. This isn’t true: In fact, a lot of the sex highlighted in porn could still be considered vanilla, notes Engle. “Vanilla sex doesn’t always mean passionate and loving. It can still be rough sex and be considered vanilla,” she says.
Ultimately, people of all genders can enjoy and get off from vanilla sex. “Good sex is subjective,” Engle says. “It really depends on the people who are having it and the things they like to do.”
What are the benefits of vanilla sex?
No matter what kind of sex you’re having, the most important thing is that it’s enjoyable. But, if you haven’t had a lot of vanilla sex, there are some possible benefits to giving it a try.
Just the simplicity of engaging in vanilla sex can be an approach to mindfulness in the bedroom, Melancon says. “It’s just you enjoying your ability to feel sexual sensations and enjoying an experience. So I think it can be really intimate,” she adds. “It can help us be more present and feel a different level of connection.”
It may allow people to engage their senses more, says Melancon. For example, you may be able to zone in on the sound of your partner breathing, the scent of their body, or the taste of their mouth.
If you prefer to engage in kinkier sex (which, no shame!), having some vanilla experiences can still help your sex life. “Couples who are very into kink sometimes don’t have time for everything, so it can be beneficial to keep your sexual relationship alive to also have vanilla sex involved,” says Engle. This may also be the case for those with kids or busy lifestyles.
What if my partner and I aren’t on the same page about vanilla sex?
So, one of you prefers vanilla sex and the other is kinkier—while it might seem daunting to address these differences, this is where compromise comes into play. To start, know that sexual compatibility is important. And while people are often told to stick things out when there’s an incompatibility, it’s not something you have to tolerate long-term. “Not being on the same page [sexually] is a legitimate reason to end a relationship,” says Engle. “It’s totally okay to end a relationship if it comes to that, and you can’t find a compromise.”
The good news, though, is that it’s possible to compromise in a way that leaves all parties happy and satisfied, according to Engle and Melancon. As long as there’s a good degree of overlap in sexual interests and kinks, successful compromise is possible, says Melancon. Being honest with yourself about what you do and don’t like will also help you communicate your sexual desires and boundaries better with your partner.
If you’re not sure how to explore your interests outside of the bedroom with your partner, Engle suggests finding a “yes, no, maybe” list online and taking time to go through what might be on or off the table.
You should also be mindful of when and how you bring up sexual incompatibilities with your partner. “It’s all about timing, tone, and turf,” says Engle. “You want to make sure you’re in a neutral place—not in the bedroom, not in the middle of the work day. Set time aside, sit down in the living room where it’s neutral, and come to the conversation with a really open mind.”
When it’s time to start the conversation, Engle notes that getting your partner’s consent is essential. This can sound like, for example, “Hey babe, sex is important to me and our relationship, and I really want to explore this with you. Are you in a place where you’d be open to having that conversation?” From there, you can exchange interests and work on a compromise together.
So, is there anything wrong with vanilla sex?
No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with vanilla sex. Vanilla sex can be just as rich, intimate, pleasurable, and fulfilling as any other sex. Whether you’re into kink or vanilla, it’s all of equal value, so long as consent and respect are part of the foundation.
“[In a] sex-positive world, we want to be so accepting of everyone. But in the process of that, it can make normative sex look boring or uninteresting,” says Melancon. “There are [many] ‘flavors,’ so to speak… It doesn’t mean that anyone is less than.”
When you first meet someone you’re interested in dating or pursuing a romantic relationship with, you may find yourself intensely curious about them. Perhaps you find yourself doing a sneaky Insta-scroll or wading through old tagged photos on Facebook—you want to know everything, from the seemingly mundane and simple to the complex and more intimate details.
It’s likely if you feel this way that you already like what you know about this person, and the good news is that you’re already unknowingly engaging in a foundational practice that relationship researcher John Gottman, PhD, co-founder of The Gottman Institute, says builds and sustains long-lasting love: creating a love map.
That inner world encompasses whatever knowledge you have about your partner—their wants, fears, favorites, hopes, dreams, things they despise, their core memories. “It’s everything from what it was like for you in third grade, to who you get along with at work, or how you get along with your mom, or how you like your coffee,” says Silverstein. Each map is individual, but shared memories, for example how you first met or any trips you’ve taken together, go into each person’s map of their partner. All this information paints a more complete picture of the person for their significant other.
This practice is key to building a bedrock of intimacy, trust, and connection because it shows partners that you have genuine interest in who they are. First introduced in Dr. Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the love map is one of the seven key components that make up what Dr. Gottman calls the “sound relationship house.”
Dr. Gottman believes that a stable relationship is like a house; it needs strong support—and a solid foundation—to stay standing. The first three levels of the house, explains Silverstein, are all about establishing a foundation of friendship. Creating a love maps is the first piece of this friendship-building stage.
Gathering—and retaining—all this information about your S.O. (or a prospective S.O.) shows that you care about them by making them feel seen and not alone, says certified Gottman couples therapist Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT, which boosts and deepens your connection. “The foundation of a strong friendship is knowing someone and feeling known, and being able to open up and share your internal world, and trusting that person will remember those things, ” she says. Knowing someone also helps you be a better partner to them, and vice versa. When someone is in a relationship where their partner doesn’t care about or remember their inner world, it can feel isolating, lonely, and hurtful, says Silverstein—these feelings don’t lend themselves to a lasting, loving partnership.
This same principle applies to getting to know someone you are considering making your partner. Every time you go on a date, you probably ask open-ended questions because you want to learn more about who they are and to suss out whether they’re a compatible match, says Silverstein. This exchange is key to decide if you want to go on a second date.
Think about why it feels annoying and uncomfortable when a date doesn’t ask you any questions about yourself—it gives the impression they don’t care to know more about you, while someone who is interested and engaged in conversation and wants to know more is appealing and trying to build a connection. Doing the work to learn about someone shows you care, say Panganiban and Silverstein, which builds the foundation your relationship rests on.
How to build a love map of your partner
Ask open-ended questions and retain the answers
Building love maps happens through communication. To learn more about your partner, Panganiban and Silverstein suggest asking open-ended questions that allow your partner (or a person you’re interested in) to tell you about themselves. Open-ended questions are ones that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no, and that require whoever is asked to give detailed answers that’ll help you glean more about who they are. As you learn more about your partner and build their love map, Silverstein says you’ll naturally use these answers to inform your relationship. For example, Silverstein says, if you find out your partner is allergic to shellfish you will be sure not to plan a date night at a restaurant where it’s served.
Non-verbal communication is also part of building love maps, too.
According to Silverstein, every time you observe your partner and their behavior is a time you add to your love map—it’s all about gathering information. For example, maybe you notice your partners smiles a lot when you cuddle or stroke their hair, so you can add that they like when you do that to their love map. Or, perhaps you notice they like to sleep in soft cotton pajamas—in turn, you could use this information by deciding to buy them a pair for their birthday.
Of course, it’s key to remember that you may not know everything about your partner, and that’s okay. Save for major parts of who they are or what they want, it’s okay if you’re not always up to date on what they had for lunch the previous day or can’t recall the name of their best friend from college, says Silverstein—that doesn’t mean you’re lacking connection, or necessarily that your relationship isn’t strong. Some people are more observant than others or more detail-oriented, plus each person in a relationship has the right to privacy, and building a love map certainly shouldn’t involve interrogating or surveilling your partner, or toppling their boundaries.
If you find yourself wanting to know more or like your knowledge of them is lacking in one arena, there’s an easy fix, says Silverstein—ask more questions, and remember their answers! The process of building your love map should feel fun and rewarding, not taxing and tough. “It’s important to be really generous and patient as you get to know each other, and not feel pressure to get it right because getting to know each other is a fun activity,” she adds.
“It’s important to be really generous and patient as you get to know each other, and not feel pressure to get it right because getting to know each other is a fun activity.”—Silverstein
Keep in mind: you’re never done building your love map, because there’s always more to learn about your partner. According to Panganiban and Silverstein, it’s key to keep these conversations going and even if you feel you know your partner inside and out because people change constantly. Just like you wouldn’t use an outdated map on a road trip, you don’t want to be without the current version of your partner’s inner world, either.
Questions to ask to get deeper
So how do you put this into practice? To return to our road trip metaphor, think about what would go into a map: once you have the broad contours of the route from point A to point B sorted out, you can start to paint a more detailed picture of that path—think about the detours, the coffee shops and lunch spots along the way, and the cool sights to see. The same concept applies to building your love map, says Silverstein.
Here’s what this looks like in a dating scenario: Let’s say you’re on a first date, and keen to learn more—you’re probably not going to ask about someone’s biggest trauma, and you may find it odd if someone did the same to you. According to Silverstein, it’s best to “test the waters of vulnerability so you’re not putting your heart on a platter for someone you don’t know yet,” so it’s best to ask your questions in phases starting from more surface level to more deep and vulnerable. (This doesn’t have to happen in one sitting, by the way.)
What does this look like in practice? You could start by asking someone about what kind of music they like or what their favorite hobby or food is, suggests Silverstein, then if they respond well this could lead to questions with more detailed and intimate answers. The point is to open more doors as the conversation and relationship progresses, so you can add more to the love map.
Not sure where to start? Here are two types of questions Silverstein suggests asking to gain deeper insight into the subject of your love map:
1. Questions about the future: Examples: What are you dreaming about or aspiring to? What hopes/dreams do you have for our family, or yourself, or our relationship? Where in the world have you visited that you’d want to visit together?
2. Questions about their inner feelings: Examples: What’s been stressing you out lately? What are you proud of? When was the last time you felt truly happy?
All in all, you’re already building a love map with someone if you’re trying to get to know them. So keep chatting, asking questions, and building that connection—strengthening that relationship by getting to know them better will only lay the groundwork for a stronger partnership.
“Is this syphilis? PLEASE HELP,” user Difficult-Parsnip508 posted to r/STD, a page on Reddit that’s devoted to everything and anything related to sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).
“I’m female; my last exposure was approximately three weeks ago. I don’t have any rashes on my hands/palms or my foot/soles. It’s this rash on the top of my right shoulder. It’s been here for the past 3 days and hasn’t gotten better or worse. For complicated reasons, I can’t go to the doctor. I’m freaking out and I will be grateful for any help.”
A photo depicting her back and the small, brownish-red bumps accompanied the text.
Within hours, the root vegetable-loving (or hating?) original poster had received several replies. Most suggested it looked like acne or maybe an insect bite. Several encouraged her to see a doctor or get an at-home test.
One, luckychatms130, railed against the dangers of sex outside of marriage, advising never to trust a partner who is “already fornicating.” They also suggested getting tested.
Difficult-Parsnip508’s is one of the countless similar posts to the r/STD forum that seek advice on everything from suspicious bumps to confusing test results and anxiety-inducing one-night-stands.
Research into online health advice
A 2019 study published in the Journal of American Medicine (JAMA) collated data from thousands of these posts published between 2010—the year r/STD was created—and 2018. Of those, about 58 percent of all posts on the page explicitly sought crowd diagnoses, the study authors reported, with about 38 percent sharing (often graphic) photos of their symptoms. Like Difficult-Parsnip508, nearly 90 percent received replies and advice, usually within hours.
Some of those responses were medically sound. Most, however, were “wildly inaccurate,” the study authors explained in a press release. They specifically cited the “crowd’s” astonishing degree of faith in apple cider vinegar, which is not, for the record, a cure-all.
Perhaps more concerning, many respondents gave advice that directly contradicted doctors’ recommendations, sometimes with potentially dangerous implications and outcomes.
The World Wide Web is a powerful tool for education and empowerment—but it’s also home to content such as ‘how to make a DIY condom’
Of course, it’s not just Reddit users doling out dubious advice. A 2021 systematic review published in the Journal of Medical Internet Research examined 69 studies on a variety of health topics, from smoking to the HPV vaccine. Researchers found the prevalence of health misinformation was high across multiple platforms and subject areas.
A 2022 systematic review of 31 previous studies published by the World Health Organization (WHO) yielded similar results. The WHO report indicated such false information negatively affected people’s health behaviors.
Amid a nationwide epidemic of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and ever-changing reproductive healthcare laws, medically accurate information and competent services may be more important than ever. Yet, due to various barriers, from shame and stigma to a lack of transportation, tens of thousands of people are turning to their fellow internet users instead of licensed primary care doctors or health services.
If you’ve ever been online, you know why that might be a problem. The World Wide Web is a powerful tool for education and empowerment. But it’s also home to content such as “how to make a DIY condom” or “tighten your vagina with ice.” Neither of those things works, in case you were curious.
It’s not always easy to determine what’s legit.
We spoke with experts to get their take on what’s behind the crowd-diagnosis phenomenon and how to sort fact from fiction when researching health topics online.
Why are people seeking crowd diagnoses?
It’s understandable why people might be motivated to look online for sexual health answers and diagnoses from strangers, said Ceara Corry, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., a sex educator, sex and relationship therapist, and owner of The Naked Truth in Raleigh, North Carolina.
“Adequate and supportive healthcare is not always accessible, especially for marginalized groups like people of color, queer and trans folks, or people with disabilities,” she said. “I’ve even experienced this personally.”
In 2016, Corry told her gynecologist she suspected she had polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). She had researched the condition online and had characteristic symptoms and a personal and family medical history that made her more susceptible.
Instead of taking her concerns seriously, the doctor minimized her symptoms and blamed them on her weight, Corry said. It took her nearly two years to receive a diagnosis. Research, including a 2019 review, indicates Corry’s experience is not an uncommon one.
The stigma around topics such as sexual health can make people feel embarrassed or ashamed to talk face-to-face with a professional, Corry noted, whereas online forums provide a shield of distance and anonymity.
Logistical hurdles such as cost and lack of transportation may also prevent some people from seeking in-person care, said Rosalyn Plotzker, M.D., M.P.H., an assistant professor in the University of California, San Francisco department of epidemiology and biostatistics.
“From the perspective of someone who is worried about an STI, asking something online can be easy, free and anonymous, and multiple replies could be used to get a ‘consensus.’ I can see the appeal,” Plotzker said. “The only problem is that the information isn’t necessarily reliable. There’s no opportunity for a physical exam or lab tests, and the responders are not accountable since there isn’t a provider-patient relationship. So there is a major risk for misinformation.”
That misinformation can lead to various harms, from ineffective treatments to unintended pregnancy and STI transmission, noted Sarah Melancon, Ph.D., a Fullerton, California-based sociologist and clinical psychologist at Sex Toy Collective. Study authors agreed, noting that misdiagnosis can have a ripple effect, impacting not just the poster, but millions of viewers who believe they may have a similar condition.
The ramifications can be substantial and potentially life-threatening.
“STI infections may worsen with the wrong treatment. For instance, untreated chlamydia can cause pelvic inflammatory disease,” she said. “Syphilis or HIV may progress to an advanced stage, which has greater negative effects and is harder to treat and in the long term can lead to death.”
As for why approximately 20 percent of the posts included in the study were seeking a second opinion, people might doubt a clinician’s capability or feel their provider didn’t listen or take them seriously. That’s according to experts such as Danae Maragouthakis, M.B.B.S., M.P.H., an emergency medical doctor in Oxford, England, and a co-founder and CEO of Yoxly, a provider of at-home STI and sperm testing kits.
They may also have felt embarrassed or anxious about revealing certain pertinent details and worried about the significance of omitting them. Receiving a diagnosis, particularly a serious one, can be devastating and some folks might seek solace in alternative answers, even those that are inaccurate.
“On one occasion, a patient had received an HIV diagnosis but turned to a crowd diagnosis to be convinced the doctor was wrong,” said John Ayers, Ph.D., one of the study’s co-authors and an epidemiologist and adjunct professor at the University of California, San Diego, in a statement. “People, when faced with life-altering information, often want to delude themselves and, in some cases, they are finding it on social media.”
5 tips for vetting advice about sexual health online
Experts stressed that while seeking health information online can be a gamble, it isn’t inherently a bad idea, especially because education and even self-diagnosis can be empowering.
Here are five strategies you can use to get the most out of the advice you find online.
1. Define your goals
First, determine what you’re hoping to gain from your search, Corry suggested.
Are you investigating whether a diagnosis matches your symptoms, or do you want to know how others with similar experiences have handled their situation? Both are valid but have different search criteria.
Being clear about what you’re seeking can help rule out unhelpful sources, she explained.
2. Check credentials
There are many ‘influencers’ who simply hold a certificate or bachelor’s degree in their area of focus, while others are just self-deemed ‘sexperts.’
“There’s nothing wrong with individuals who want to speak about sex on the web, but take their information with a big grain of salt,” Melancon said. “Certainly, not all M.D.s or Ph.D.s are going to agree on every topic—that is laughable, actually—but typically, their perspective will be supported by theory and data.”
If you’re not in the habit of reading the About Us sections on websites you visit, it’s time to start. These pages can provide valuable information such as who funds the site, where they’re getting their information and who’s fact-checking it (if anyone), Corry said.
If well-known, reputable organizations and people with nursing and medical degrees are involved, that’s a positive.
3. Take extra precautions with controversy
If a topic is controversial, don’t accept one perspective as truth, even from credentialed sources, Melancon said.
“Compare and contrast. Look at the content you think you won’t agree with to get a broader picture,” she added.
For example, if you’re uncomfortable with your pornography use, coming across the NoFap movement might seem like the answer, as it treats porn use and masturbation as addictions and leans heavily on self-control as treatment. However, research suggests it is ineffective.
“Participants experience strong negative emotions including shame, worthlessness and even suicidal ideation after ‘relapses,'” she added. “Is that the outcome you’re really wanting?”
Some principles and information are subject to debate within the medical community, Melancon pointed out. In that case, it isn’t a flaw but part of the scientific process. Examples include the potential safety risks of hormonal contraceptives or the effects of pornography on mental health.
4. Go directly to the source
When websites and content creators use terms like “research indicates” without citing their source, it’s a red flag. That said, experts pointed out that it’s important to note that not all research is equal.
“If you want to really geek out, dig deep,” Plotzker said. “If an article mentions a study, you can look up that study on Google Scholar and read the abstract. Some articles are also fully available online.”
When reading the abstract, experts recommend checking how many people were involved in the study and whether they represent your demographic. For example, information gleaned from a study conducted on 30 male-identifying people in their 20s may not directly translate to you if you are a postmenopausal woman.
5. Corroborate with expert sources
When in doubt, experts suggest corroborating information you find through influencers or other uncertain sources with more surefire resources, like the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) or Mayo Clinic. You can also message, email or call your local health clinic to ask if a specific piece of information is correct or whether a certain treatment is one they’re familiar with and condone.
Many of those clinics have nurse helplines and telehealth options that enable you to speak with a licensed provider without an in-person appointment.
“If you find something online that impacts your health directly, ask your healthcare provider about it if you can. There are ways to communicate with your provider through online patient platforms,” Plotzker said. “Or go in and have an old-fashioned, in-person discussion with someone who is a healthcare provider. You can show them the webpage on your phone—it’s a great way to confirm what you have read.”
The bottom line
The internet and social media are both a blessing and a curse, experts agreed. On one hand, the ability to connect, organize, disseminate information and promote causes, such as HIV prevention and family planning, is incredibly valuable.
“But it’s a double-sided coin. With all of the benefits, there is the equal and opposite aspect of misinformation, the perpetuation of fear and stigma, and resources available online that have not been vetted,” Plotzker said. “That can be very difficult to navigate.”
Ultimately, Plotzker recommended viewing the internet as a complement—don’t consider it a substitute—to traditional medical care as the best strategy.
“I do think patients understand their own bodies better than anyone else. If someone has had a condition in the past and then they have very similar symptoms again, it’s reasonable for them to think that history could be repeating itself,” Plotzker said.
All assumptions, though, have limitations.
“A physical exam and medical tests that can confirm a self-diagnosis are important as an objective way to know for sure what is happening, especially since it might be something else,” she noted. “And only then determine the best treatment course.”
As kids we’re always taught the world is black and white. There are men and women. Certain characteristics make men masculine and women feminine. There are no in-betweens.
It couldn’t be further from the truth.
Between these black-and-white boundaries lies a whole other colourful world. Men who love men, women who love women, men who love both men and women — the list goes on. While queer rights may have been taken lightly a few decades ago, there’s a lot more awareness around the LGBTQIA community today.
Even those who don’t fully understand the meaning of LGBTQIA+ or the fluidity of gender are willing to learn and educate themselves.
The LGBTQIA+ community encompasses diverse sexual orientations and gender identities, fostering a rich tapestry of love and individuality. As society progresses towards greater acceptance and inclusivity, it becomes essential to understand the various terms and orientations within the LGBTQIA+ spectrum.
Here’s everything you need to know about sexual orientations within the LGBTQIA+ community.
What Is The Full Form Of LGBTQIA+?
LGBTQIA+ is an acronym built up from the following words:
L- Lesbian
G- Gay
B- Bisexual
T- Transgender
I- Intersex
A- Asexual
+ – Holds space for expanding and understanding different parts of the very diverse gender and sexual identities.
Now, let us delve into the meanings and nuances of different sexual orientations, shedding light on the beautiful diversity of love.
1. Lesbians
Lesbians are women who are emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to other women. Lesbian individuals face unique challenges and experiences, from societal stigmatisation to the struggle for recognition and acceptance. Despite these obstacles, lesbian individuals have made significant contributions to art, culture, and activism, enriching the LGBTQIA+ community and inspiring others to embrace their authentic selves.
Films like Badhaai Do and Ek Ladki Ko Dekha Toh Aisa Laga are great examples of cinema depicting lesbian relationships truthfully.
Gay relationships are those where men are emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to other men. This sexual orientation has been widely recognised and celebrated in pop culture and cinema in recent years. Gay individuals have played a pivotal role in shaping the fight for LGBTQIA+ rights, pushing for greater acceptance, and challenging societal norms. Their experiences, struggles, and triumphs serve as a testament to the strength and resilience of the LGBTQIA+ community.
Films like Aligarh, Kapoor & Sons, and Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan are some of the best examples of Bollywood portraying gay relationships beautifully.
3. Bisexuals
Bisexuality refers to individuals who are attracted to both their own gender and other genders. Bisexual individuals experience a spectrum of attractions, embracing the potential for emotional and romantic connections with people of various gender identities. Bisexuality challenges the traditional binary understanding of sexuality, recognising the fluidity and complexity of human desire.
They also face some unique challenges, such as biphobia and erasure, as their experiences often intersect with stereotypes and misconceptions. Understanding and embracing bisexuality is crucial in fostering a more inclusive and supportive environment for all members of the LGBTQIA+ community.
4. Transgender
Just to be clear, transgender is a gender identity and has nothing to do with one’s sexual orientation. Transgender individuals do not identify with the gender assigned to them at birth. They may undergo gender-affirming processes, such as hormone therapy or gender confirmation surgery, to align their physical appearance with their gender identity.
They face significant challenges, including discrimination, lack of healthcare access, and societal misunderstanding. Their sexual orientation is as fluid as the rest of the queer community. They could be attracted to men, women or other trans people. Vani Kapoor played a trans character opposite Ayushmann Khurrana in Chandigarh Kare Aashiqui in one of the few honest portrayals of the trans community.
5. Queer
Queer is an umbrella term that encompasses individuals who do not conform to traditional sexual orientations or gender identities. It serves as an inclusive label for those who feel their experiences fall outside the boundaries of heterosexual or cisgender identities. Queer individuals challenge societal norms and embrace their authentic selves, contributing to the diverse fabric of the LGBTQIA+ community.
6. Intersex
Intersex is an umbrella term used to describe individuals who are born with biological sex characteristics that do not fit typical male or female categories. Intersex variations can manifest in various ways, such as chromosomal, hormonal or anatomical differences.
Intersex individuals have diverse experiences and identities and it is essential to respect their autonomy and self-identification. The intersex community advocates for recognition, medical human rights, and an end to unnecessary and non-consensual medical interventions.
7. Asexual
Asexual individuals experience little to no sexual attraction towards others. Asexuality is a valid and natural orientation within the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, highlighting the wide range of human experiences and desires.
Asexual individuals may still form deep emotional connections, experience romantic attraction, and engage in fulfilling relationships without sexual components. Understanding and respecting asexuality is vital in creating an inclusive environment that values diverse forms of love and companionship.
It is crucial for us to continue educating ourselves and fostering inclusivity in order to create a world where everyone feels safe, supported, and celebrated for who they are. From understanding the meaning of LGBTQIA+ to delving into the intricacies of different sexual orientations and gender identities, it’s a constant learning process we need to be actively involved in.
The LGBTQIA+ community encompasses a beautiful tapestry of different sexual orientations and gender identities, each deserving of understanding, acceptance and respect.
Transgender people are more common than you might think. Being transgender is not a trend, and it’s not new. Trans people have existed throughout history and will continue to be an important part of our society.
>But depending on where you live, you might not meet many openly transgender individuals in your day-to-day life. So, let’s take a closer look at this vibrant community!
According to this 2022 report from UCLA’s School of Law Williams Institute, 1.6 million people ages 13 years and up identify as transgender in the United States. This means that approximately 1.4% of the U.S. population is transgender!
Some research also shows that this number is growing, as around 5% of young adults identify as transgender. They found that the community further breaks down as follows:
As far as the world population goes, the country’s statistics for the number of trans people can range anywhere from 0.6–3%. The highest numbers of trans people are reported in countries Germany and Sweden.
Why does it seem like there are more trans people nowadays?
When we see the growing representation of trans people in social and mainstream media, it’s important to remember that people will feel more comfortable living openly and freely when there’s a more supportive environment, more resources, and less criminalization for being themselves.
As societal support grows and discrimination decreases, it’s likely we’ll see the reported number of transgender people rise until its natural level is revealed. Far from being a sign of indoctrination, this is a sign of a healthy society that we’ve seen in other areas before.
One popular example of this has been coined the “Left Handed Argument.” In the past, left-handedness was treated as a “sin” and highly stigmatized within society. Those who were naturally left-handed were encouraged or forced to use their right hand dominantly. This discrimination often found its way into our language and religious beliefs as well.
When society no longer believed that being left-handed was the work of “the devil” and stopped training everyone at school to use their right hand in the mid-20th century, for many decades we saw the reported number of left-handed people grow.
Now in the 21st century, the reports have leveled off and we know that about 10% of the population is naturally left-handed. It’s likely that we’ll see similar patterns as we learn the natural level of the transgender population in an accepting society.
How common is it to detransistion?
According to this comprehensive study from LGBTQ HealthTrusted Source, 13.1% of currently identified transgender people have detransitioned at some point. However, 82.5% of those who have detransitioned list their reason for doing so as external factors such as pressure from family, non-affirming school environments, and increased vulnerability to violence (including sexual assault).
These statistics are confirmed by Fenway Health. Their participants reported the following reasons for detransitioning:
pressure from a parent (35.5%)
pressure from their community or societal stigma (32.5%)
trouble finding a job (26.8%)
fluctuations in their gender identity or desire (10.4%)
pressure from medical health professionals (5.6%)
pressure from religious leaders (5.3%)
doubts about their gender identity (2.4%)
So, it’s not entirely uncommon to detransition but there are many reasons why people might choose to do so, especially due to dangerous and unforgiving environments. This doesn’t necessarily mean that these people stop feeling gender dysphoria, but they aren’t in the right space to transition (socially, medically, or legally) at the time.
Continuing your education
You might be asking yourself, “But what does ‘trans’ really mean?” Or even, “Am I transgender?” This is a nuanced and complex topic, and it’s natural to have lots of questions. Here are some resources that can help you find answers:
Being transgender isn’t that uncommon anymore. 1.6 million people (1–2%) in the U.S. identify as transgender. Worldwide current numbers range between 0.6–3%. Reported numbers are proportionally higher in young people and may continue to grow in the years to come.
With more of the transgender population coming out, it’s pertinent that the medical care and social stigma in society should improve. This stigma hurts the physical and mental health of trans people and can lead to people detransitioning because of harsh and unsupportive environments.
There have been many anti-trans sentiments and bills in the U.S. lately, but many health professionals and child welfare organizations oppose the anti-LGBTQ bills, specifically those that target trans youth. This Pride Month, June 2023, it’s more important than ever to support and celebrate gender diversity in your life and all year long.
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