When children ask about race and sex, we have no choice but to answer

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These days, we are involved in a great debate about whether and when we should teach kids about race, gender and sex in our schools.

But here’s the thing: There is no way for teachers to avoid teaching about race and sexuality, even in early grades. The only question is how we do it. To illustrate, let me share a story.

When my daughter was 2, we were visiting my mother in Southern California. We went to the supermarket. My daughter rode in the cart as I pushed through the store collecting items. As we worked our way through the produce section, passing along the lettuces and greens, another Black American woman was shopping just ahead of me. She was a middle-aged woman, dressed simply and sensibly, going about her business in an altogether ordinary way. My daughter watched her, and then looked up at me and said, “Mommy, I think it’s not good to be Black.”

What did I say in the moment? I don’t exactly remember. But probably something like, “Black is beautiful, my love. That woman is beautiful.”

My daughter was a precocious talker, yes. She talked early, though she didn’t talk often. She has always been a quiet and hyperobservant child. One preschool teacher said, “Still waters run deep.” When she had things to say, she said them in complete sentences. And though I think she was 2, she might have been 3 or maybe 3½. It doesn’t really matter. The point is that children learn from the world, and the world provokes questions — and when children ask their questions, their elders teach back.

My daughter’s statement was a question. Its subtext went like this: “I’ve noticed something, Mommy. It seems like it’s not good to Black. But can that be right? You’re Black. I love you. How can these things fit together? And what does this mean for me?” In that moment, I needed to teach my daughter that it is good to be Black. I also needed to teach her that she was accurately observing something about the world — that Blackness is stigmatized. And I needed to give her the capacity to set the stigma apart from the reality.

When I was 7, my father had me read “Uncle Tom’s Cabin.” To many, “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” caricatures Black experience. For my father, it provides a clear statement about the moral agency and equality of Black people — a permanent and visible fact, even in the midst of stigma. In having me read that very long book, he was teaching me.

I was a precocious reader.

But that doesn’t really matter to the story, either. What I can assure you of is that even before any of our kids, of any racial or ethnic background, get to school, every Black family in the United States is having to teach its children about race and the history of enslavement and stories of overcoming that have played out generation after generation. The same must be true for kids raised in LGBTQ families, with regard to the history and contemporary experience of gender and sexuality. I’m sure every family is doing the teaching differently. Some talking, some reading. Some looking at pictures. Some singing songs. But all are teaching.

This means that the only way you can keep knowledge and questions about these histories, experiences and perspectives out of the school curriculum in early grades is to keep Black people or members of LGBTQ families out of schools.

To recognize that fundamental fact is as if to hear a ghost whisper a revelation from a deep and ugly past. The wandering and cold-breathed ghost whispers that our old history of segregation — our now legally abandoned practices — was at some deep and existential level simply a way of evading the truth. The truth of our history and how it has been marred by racial domination. The truth of our present and our continued struggles with race. The truth of our moral responsibility to one another as human beings facing a future together.

To say it again, there is no way for teachers to avoid teaching about race and sexuality. We cannot legislate against children’s questions.

Out of charity, I will assume that the various efforts by state legislators to control when and how teachers engage with these subjects comes from an effort to open a discussion not of whether to teach in response to the questions children have but rather about how to do this. This is a profoundly important topic. And I would agree that some ways are better than others. But I hope we can take this issue of how to teach the histories and presents of race and enslavement, of gender and sexuality, out of the political maelstrom and turn them into a real conversation about how to raise healthy, loving, responsible children with a strong sense of self-confidence, purpose and charity for others in their hearts.

We grown-ups don’t get to decide whether we teach about race, gender and sexuality.

Living in our world as they do, our children have already determined that we will so teach.

Complete Article HERE!

What Is Outing?

by Kristen Fischer

Telling someone else (or others) about a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity without their approval is also called “outing.” In some cases, it’s not done to harm the person; in other situations, the person sharing the information does so to retaliate or to shame the other person.They may even do it to prevent someone from excelling at work. Whatever the reason, outing someone is a violation of their privacy. And it can have serious effects on their health and well-being.

Outing is different from “coming out.” When a person comes out, they choose who to tell about their sexual orientation or gender identity. When a person who identifies as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer or questioning (LGBTQ) is “outed,” they lose their power to tell others; it’s done for them, against their will.

There can be benefits to coming out – when a person does so willingly. In that case, it can support their mental health (and even lower cortisol , a hormone that affects your body – especially how it responds to stress). But when someone does it without their consent, it can have opposite effects on their mental health and health overall.

How Can Being Outed Harm My Health?

Telling others about someone’s sexual orientation or gender identity may not seem like a big deal, especially if the person has told others about it. But it still violates their privacy. It can have effects on their health and may affect their schooling or professional life.

Outing doesn’t just harm LGBTQ youths; it can affect a person at any age. Outing can affect these things related to your health:

Mental health. Sexual minorities have a greater risk of mental health issues. One thing that may impair mental health is a violation of privacy – as is the case when a person is outed. It can trigger a person to engage in unhealthy behaviors, or lead to issues like anxiety and depression. Not everyone gets help for these issues. One survey found that 48% of LGBTQ youths ages 13 to 24 wanted counseling but didn’t get it.

Suicide. In some cases, being outed has caused people to kill themselves. LGBTQ youths have a greater risk for suicidality. Transgender youths, specifically, are twice as likely to think about suicide or attempt it, compared to cisgender lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, and questioning youths.

Homelessness. Whether you come out or are outed, you may be at risk for homelessness – and that can impact your physical and mental health. You can become homeless as a result of being outed if the people you live with reject you after hearing about your orientation or identity. Some parents or caretakers force LGBTQ youths out of their homes after hearing they are sexual minorities – whether from the child or others. This is the case for many young LGBTQ people, who have a 120% higher risk of some form of homelessness. About 28% of LGBTQ youths (ages 13 to 24) dealt with homelessness or housing instability during their lives. These can raise your chances for having to deal with mental health issues, compared to people who have a stable living situation.Substance abuse. Sexual minorities have higher rates of substance misuse and substance use disorders, compared to heterosexual people.

Violence. Bisexual men and women, lesbians, gay men, and transgender people are all at higher risks for violence and injury from violence, compared to others. LGBTQ people are more prone to this, compared to cisgender people. Whether it’s between partners or strangers, violence can still harm your health.

Disease and obesity. LGBT youths are at a higher risk for sexually transmitted diseases, cardiovascular disease, obesity, and cancer. So are LGBTQ adults. Being outed, or the fear of it, could be one reason that sexual minorities don’t seek out care or treatment, or disclose their orientation or identity to providers out of fear of stigma, ridicule, or because they’re afraid their personal information could be shared outside of the doctor/patient relationship.

How Can I Avoid Outing Someone?

The best way is not to say anything about a person’s gender identity or sexual orientation.

If you do out someone accidentally or unknowingly (like misusing their pronouns), you may want to apologize or discuss it with the other person openly. They may be hurt or angry. If you don’t say anything, it could be even more hurtful. Their identity is their story to tell, and you should respect their feelings.

What Should I Do if I’m Outed?

You may feel like you have no options if someone shares your personal information without your consent. But these tips may be able to support you through the situation.

Scope out resources. If you think you may be without a place to live because you’ve been outed, try to gather what you need to live elsewhere – at least for a while. Pack a bag with medications, clothing, and extra funds if you think you will be removed from your home. While this type of preparation may make you feel anxious, it may also provide you with some peace of mind that you’re prepared for the worst. A local LGBTQ organization or center may be able to connect you with resources.

Know the laws. Schools can’t share a student’s sexual orientation or gender identity to their parents or other staff – even if you’re a student who has told others at school. Companies can’t discriminate against you based on your sexual orientation or gender identity, according to the federal Title VII law. Title VII doesn’t apply to LGBTQ students, but many lower courts have addressed those rights.

Title VII only applies to organizations with more than 15 workers. LGBTQ people still face tough choices to come out (or can feel forced to come out) at work or fear being outed. You may want to see if your company has a policy in place to protect you. Being aware of the legal actions you can take can’t prevent outing, but it can empower you to take action if you’ve been outed.

Connect. Going through being outed can be isolating, especially if you haven’t told anyone else about your sexual orientation or gender identity. But there are some resources that may give you support. The Trevor Project has a hotline and an online community. Your school may have resources to assist you with being outed (or coming out).

Think about how you want to respond. It may not seem like it, but you do have power, even if someone violated your rights. How you react can enable you to make positive changes at school or work, and position you to inspire others.

Complete Article HERE!

The 8 Biggest Secrets Sex Therapists Wish Couples Knew

Those red flags in the bedroom might not be as troubling as you think.

By Dana Schulz

Talking about sex, especially to a stranger, is not something that comes naturally to a lot of people. It can bring up feelings of embarrassment, shame, or inadequacy—all of which is why even couples who seek out a sex therapist can skirt around the issue. This leads to a lot of misconceptions about intimacy, from thinking that having less sex means your partner is cheating to believing that sex toys are only for couples with major issues. That’s why we spoke to sex therapists to learn the biggest secrets they wish couples knew. Read on for expert advice that might change your whole outlook in the bedroom.

1 A change in frequency is normal… and chemical!

For many couples, one of the most worrisome signs in the bedroom is when they stop having as much sex. But if you’ve been together for a long time, this might not be quite the red flag you think it is.

“Understanding that desire changes, ebbs, and flows throughout life is normal,” says Gigi Engle, ACS, resident intimacy expert at 3Fun and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life. “We need to work with it, not have unrealistic expectations.”

According to Engle, there is something called New Relationship Energy (NRE), which is that intoxicating feeling of lust when we first meet someone new. “We are majorly all over each other because our brains are awash in feel-good hormones like oxytocin and dopamine,” she says. “That’s why we feel so sexually aroused and horny all the time in new relationships—we don’t need as much of all the other situational factors.”

However, once we settle into a more comfortable and familiar pattern, “the love hormone or cuddle chemical oxytocin” decreases, according to Tatyana Dyachenko, sexual and relationship therapist at Peaches & Screams. She advises long-term couples to try something new in the bedroom to spike these chemicals.

2 Women get bored more often than men do.

Society tends to depict men as more likely to cheat and as having a larger sexual appetite. But according to Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, sex and relationship expert at Luvbites, “research has found that women get bored of sex with their partner a lot faster than men.”

One such study that corroborates this was published in 2017 in the British Medical Journal. It found that women were twice as likely as men to lose interest in sex after a year of being together or while living with their partner.

Likewise, a 2012 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy concluded that “women’s sexual desire was significantly and negatively predicted by relationship duration,” whereas that was not the case for men.

Suwinyattichaiporn says it’s important to understand this so partners of women can prioritize “passion, excitement, playfulness, and variety.”

3 Sometimes there is a lack of attraction.

This is a hard truth, but sometimes couples find themselves not having sex because one person has stopped finding the other attractive. “Many long-term couples don’t find their partner attractive and lose sexual interest in them,” says Suwinyattichaiporn.

That doesn’t just mean physical attraction. If you’ve grown grumpy or no longer enjoy discussing the topics you used to, these could also hinder your partner’s desire. “The advice is rather simple, take care of yourself physically, mentally, and intellectually,” says Suwinyattichaiporn.

It’s also important to note that women may find their partner less attractive during certain times of their menstrual cycle, according to a 2020 study published in Biological Psychology.

“Women’s hormone levels change across their ovulatory cycles, and these changes are likely to affect their psychology and, perhaps, the way they feel toward their romantic partner,” study author Francesca Righetti, an associate professor at the Department of Experimental and Applied Psychology at the VU Amsterdam, told PsyPost. “We found that the hormone that peaks just prior to ovulation, estradiol, was associated with more negative partner evaluation.”

4 Sex is more than penetration and/or an orgasm.

There are so many ways to be intimate with your partner, many of which don’t include penetration and don’t have to end in an orgasm.

“Anytime we hug, kiss, rub, squeeze, and nuzzle into a romantic partner, there is an intimate charge,” explains Engle. “This doesn’t involve the touching of genitals but is intimately based in that it allows us to meet the needs of sex like feeling desired, expressing desire, and connecting in a way unique to us as sexual partners.”

Realizing and appreciating this can take a lot of the pressure off couples who are struggling in the bedroom. “When we feel like every hug, kiss, and nuzzle is going to need to be followed up with sex, we start to avoid it. Allowing it to take root back in your relationship can be the balm that heals it,” Engle adds.

5 Sex toys don’t mean there’s a problem.

Sex therapists find that oftentimes their clients equate sex toys with a problem in their sexual intimacy. But that is not the case.

“Even couples who have great sex integrate sex toys into their sexual routine for new stimulations and deeper orgasms,” explains Dyachenko.

According to Engle, staying curious and trying new things is, in fact, one of the best ways to recreate some of that NRE energy. “Rekindled relationship energy is important because it encourages the new couple to spend time together and get to know each other,” she says. “It is the time where trust is built and the foundations of the relationships are established.”

6 Infidelity can strengthen a relationship.

Cheating is usually considered the most unforgivable offense in a relationship, but according to Lee Phillips, LCSW, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist, with the correct guidance, infidelity can actually strengthen a partnership.

“People usually do not wake up, and say, ‘I am going to cheat on my partner today.’ Usually, there is an emotional disconnection that has led to resentment causing this ultimate betrayal,” explains Phillips. “Couples can learn to identify why the infidelity occurred and heal from it by identifying a ‘new normal’ of their relationship … This is something that could have been missing for years.”

To work through an issue as complex as infidelity, it’s advisable to see a couple’s counselor.

7 Communication is key.

It might sound obvious, but sex therapists find that so many of their clients lose sight of how important it is to communicate about sex.

“There is this idea that when a couple has sex, they just do it. However, sex is about pleasure, and it is important to talk about what sex and pleasure mean to the both of you,” advises Phillips. She notes that in many cases, couples will discuss sex at the beginning of a relationship but not as time goes on. And, as we know, sexual desires and libidos change over time.

Nicole Schafer, LPC, a sex and relationship coach, adds that communication can itself be sexy. “Learn to take things slowly and draw it out. Take your time, focusing on the details of each other while communicating with your partner about what you like and don’t like, or what they love or wish you would do,” she suggests. “The build-up and attention to detail will make your time together phenomenal.”

8 Setting boundaries can help.

It’s important to remember that both you and your partner should never have to feel uncomfortable with sex.

“Boundaries can be healthy, and they are a way of showing respect to your partner,” says Phillips. “Here are some examples of boundaries: I know that you are feeling sexual, but I am just not in the mood, can we try this weekend? I am not a mind reader; can you please tell me what you are thinking? I am still thinking about what you said the other night, I need more time to think about it.”

Being open will help you both relax and be more receptive to intimacy.

Complete Article HERE!

10 tips to support a kid exploring their gender identity

Experts aren’t exactly sure how gender identity develops but think it could include factors like genes and prenatal hormones.

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  • Gender identity isn’t a choice — accepting your kid’s gender is the first step to supporting them.
  • You can also support your kid by using the right pronouns and making your home a safe space. 
  • New clothes, hairstyles, and room decor may also help your kid feel more comfortable as themselves.

It’s natural for kids to explore their identity and sense of self as they grow up. But a child just beginning to question their gender identity may feel alone, uncertain, and scared, especially if they don’t know how you’ll respond.

Transgender and gender non-conforming youth — or kids with a gender identity different from the sex assigned at birthface plenty of obstacles that can cause emotional distress, including bullying and discrimination, isolation, and a lack of social support.

But evidence overwhelmingly suggests parental support can boost self-esteem, quality of life, and mental health for trans kids — and, most importantly, reduce their risk of suicide.

In short, if your kid knows you have their back, that you’ll love and support them no matter what, this can boost their resilience and help them thrive in the world at large.

Of course, you might feel wholeheartedly committed to accepting and embracing your child unconditionally but have no idea where to start — especially if you haven’t spent much time considering gender yourself.

Below, experts who specialize in gender identity and supporting LGBTQIA+ people share 10 important tips on how to support your child as they begin to discover who they truly are.

1. Read up on gender identity

Experts have a number of theories about how gender identity develops, including genes and prenatal hormones, but no single answer yet, according to Dr. Laura Erickson-Schroth, a psychiatrist and specialist in LGBTQIA+ mental health at The Jed Foundation.

They do know, however, that it’s not a choice, a mental health condition, or a sign of anything “wrong” with your child.

Kids begin to develop an understanding of gender between the ages of 18 and 24 months. In other words, they begin to get curious about patterns that help them understand gender.

For instance, boys may lean toward cars and trains, while girls may play with dolls and stuffed animals — especially when parents and siblings encourage these gender norms.

Around the ages of 6 to 8, kids start to become aware of the differences between their gender identity and biological sex.

“Those feelings on gender become more flexible and fluid with regards to likes and preferences,” says Alex Greenwald, a therapist at Empower your Mind Therapy.

So, if your child was assigned male at birth but wants to wear princess dresses and play with dolls at the age of 3, they may simply be trying out something new, or copying a friend or sibling.

But if your school-aged child prefers girls’ clothes and begins to use a female name, you may want to start a conversation about gender identity. You might, for instance:

  • Ask what they know about gender
  • Establish that sex and gender are two different concepts
  • Ask what their gender is
  • Avoid offering your own opinion on their gender or guiding them toward gender norms

2. Foster gender neutrality at home

Evidence suggests gender stereotypes — pink and dance class for girls, blue and soccer practice for boys, for instance — can limit your child’s development and even lead them to hide their true interests.

What’s more, two researchers who studied more than 100 children’s toys found that neutral and moderately gendered toys, like crayons, Play-Doh, blocks, and microscopes, were the most likely to promote healthy physical and cognitive development.

Instead of suggesting your kid should play with specific toys or wear certain clothes, Greenwald recommends creating a gender-neutral environment that avoids stereotypes. This means letting them play with whatever toys they like and wear the clothes they prefer — without making comments or criticizing their choices.

3. Establish a safe space for your child

Making your home a safe space can pave the way for open communication within your family, as kids who feel safe are more likely to talk to you honestly and believe you’ll listen without judgment.

Paying attention to your language can make a big difference here. So, you’ll want to steer clear of making comments like “That’s gay,” or “It’s just a phase,” according to Greenwald.

“Rather, encourage their gender exploration. This lets them know you’re there for them and that you support their developing identity,” Greenwald says.

You can affirm and encourage your child by:

  • Listening to how they’re feeling — without questioning their experiences.
  • Asking them what you can do to support them.
  • Making sure they know your family accepts all gender identities and sexual orientations.
  • Waiting until they come to you instead of pushing them to talk before they feel ready.

4. Know you can’t change their gender

The American Psychiatric Association and many other organizations have expressed strong disapproval for conversion therapy.

These harmful practices aim to “repair” gender identity — but not only do they not change gender, they can also cause lasting, major consequences, such as:

  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Substance use disorders
  • Thoughts of suicide
  • Damaged family relationships

“Do not push your child to speak to religious leaders (or anyone) who has a fixed mindset about gender. Do not send your child to a camp to ‘change’ them,” says Bethany Cook, a clinical psychologist at Center on Halsted.

Trying to change your child sends the message there’s something wrong with them that needs to be fixed before you can fully love or accept them.

5. Use the correct pronouns

Your child may choose a different name and pronoun that better suits their gender.

“Parents should ask, ‘How would you like me to refer to you?’ or ‘What pronouns would you like me to use?’,” says Robert L. Johnson, counselor and director at The Dorm DC.

Just keep in mind it’s important to check with your kid before using these pronouns around extended family, friends, and other people in your life, according to Johnson.

Using the correct pronouns shows you respect your kid and acknowledge their identity — and research suggests trans youth feel both affirmed and validated when their parents use the correct pronouns and their chosen name.

A few more helpful tips:

  • Practice using the right pronouns even if they’re not around.
  • If you happen to misgender them, avoid making excuses or saying things like, “Oh, it’s just so hard to remember” or “You’ll always be my baby girl” or “I just can’t see you as a boy.” Simply apologize and correct yourself with the right pronoun.
  • Avoid over-apologizing, since this can make them feel uncomfortable and draw unwanted attention in public areas.
  • If someone else corrects you, avoid getting defensive. Instead, just thank them and then repeat yourself with the correct pronoun.

6. Examine your gender biases

Before talking to a child or teen questioning their gender, it may be worth taking some time to reflect on the gender stereotypes in your social circle.

Stereotypes set a “standard” your child may feel pressured to achieve, which can make it harder for them to show their authentic self.

For example:

  • Expecting boys to be aggressive and tough may prevent them from expressing their emotions.
  • Expecting girls to be feminine and graceful may discourage them from displaying their strength or participating in sports.

Paying attention to the words you and others assign to describe stereotypical gender roles, like “manly,” “tough,” “weak,” or “gentle” can help you:  

  • Dig deeper into unconscious biases, like the idea that girls should be quiet and calm
  • Avoid making assumptions about gender
  • Broaden your understanding about your child’s gender, and gender identity in general

7. Support self-expression

Gender exploration gives your kid a chance to experiment with what makes them feel comfortable.

Trying out new colors and styles, for example, can help them get a sense of their likes and dislikes as they begin to establish their identity. 

You can support them by:

  • Taking them shopping: “Go shopping with them and let them have fun in the dressing room with you trying on whatever they want to,” Cook suggests. 
  • Helping them change up their style: “Ask them if they’d like a haircut. Sometimes a haircut or different style can help in the exploration process,” Cook says.
  • Offer a room makeover: You can also offer to help them change their room decoration, or switch up accessories like lamps and curtains by letting them buy new items that more accurately represent their gender.

8. Expose them to LGBTQIA+ representation

Positive LGBTQIA+ representation in the media can help your kid find a character they identify with, which may:

  • Validate their experiences
  • Foster confidence
  • Help them realize they belong in society

“Talk openly about TV shows and movies that depict LGBTQIA+ characters. Bring up political and social issues affecting people from different backgrounds, including LGBTQIA+ people,” Erickson-Schroth recommends.

Just keep in mind that a well-represented LGBTQIA+ narrative will avoid tokenization, which happens when a show features LGBTQIA+ characters, like a gay best friend, simply for diversity without fleshing out the character adequately.

Tokenization can do more harm than good when it reinforces negative stereotypes or portrays LGBTQIA+ characters in a negative light.

Real representation, however, embraces a character’s complexity.

A few shows to try with your kid or teen:

  • She-Ra and the Princesses of Power
  • The Owl House
  • I Am Jazz
  • Star Trek: Prodigy
  • Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts
  • First Day

9. Connect them to support groups

If your child wants to meet more LGBTQIA+ peers, they might find it helpful to join a youth group.

Erickson-Schroth says you can start by:

  • Searching for groups in your city
  • Trying an online group if you can’t find a local in-person option
  • Consider a summer camp for LGBTQIA+ youth
  • Ask a therapist or school guidance counselor for a referral

1o. Help them find a supportive mental health professional

You may not feel able to answer every question your child has — but that’s OK.

A therapist who specializes in gender and identity can provide affirmation and space for exploration, along with support helping you and your child prepare for their future, Erickson-Schroth says.

If your child seems reluctant to try therapy, it may help to explain some of the benefits of working with a therapist. For instance, a therapist can:

  • Offer support for mental health symptoms like anxiety or depression.
  • Help your child process their experiences and explore any changes they’d like to make to express their gender.
  • Offer support with finding gender-affirming care if your child chooses to begin social or medical transition.

Helpful resources for finding gender-affirming therapists and organizations include:

Insider’s takeaway

As your child begins to explore their gender identity, celebrating them as they are and nurturing them with unconditional love and support can do a lot of good — both for their well-being and your relationship.

Don’t hesitate to seek out helpful resources and connect with other parents for more support. Keep in mind, too, that a therapist can offer more guidance with knowing what to say and processing your own feelings.

“Loving and supporting your child doesn’t mean you can’t grieve any losses you may feel about the change. Just be aware that this is a process for you, not for your child to guide you through,” Cook says.

Complete Article HERE!

The Future of Sex Ed Is the Internet

Many schools have given up on crafting inclusive and informative sex education. These websites and activists are filling in the gaps.

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Compared to a few decades ago, young people have surprisingly less access to high-quality, informative sex education. Typically, human sexuality programs have been the responsibility of middle or high schools, but like many things, sex is political, and sex education has been prey to the influences of religious dicta, fundamentalist morals, and a family values agenda. As a result, STIs have been at an all-time high for each of the past six years, including among older adults, who are often ignored because people presume they are sexually inactive (they’re not). But thanks to the internet, sex education is enjoying a comeback, and it’s not just for teenagers or young kids, but seniors as well.

Although the majority of Americans support sex education, schools have been remiss in providing comprehensive, evidence-based curricula. Florida’s recently enacted “Don’t Say Gay” law denies students in earlier grades the chance to learn about gender identity and sexual orientation. And comprehensive sex education curricula have been under attack for prematurely sexualizing children, what’s called “grooming”—an unsubstantiated claim that sex ed “grooms” youths to be sexual victims.

Furthermore, a recent report from the Guttmacher Institute, a nonprofit that advocates for sexual health and reproductive rights, indicates that only 25 states require both sex education and HIV education, or instruction that is age appropriate. And just 17 states mandate the course content be medically accurate, which could have particular consequences for those whose sexual orientation and gender identity don’t adhere to heteronormative definitions. Nationally, at least 30 pieces of legislation aim to exclude LGBTQ+ representation. According to Guttmacher, “just say no” and abstinence-only messaging still dominate curricula, with nearly twice as many states providing information only on abstinence, as compared to condoms and other contraception. “Just say no” education isn’t realistic, and simplifies—even sidesteps—the issue of consent, which is about a lot more than yes or no, and a topic only 11 states have as part of their syllabus.

When offered, comprehensive sex ed works. Aside from reducing unwanted pregnancies and STIs, domestic violence decreases, as does homophobic bullying and child sex abuse. That’s where a number of sex educators and websites step in to fill the gap, especially important now in a post-Roe America. Here are a few resources worth checking out.

Scarleteen

Scarleteen was founded in 1998 by Heather Corinna, who still serves as its director. The site offers articles, fact sheets, resource lists, and more, all written by adult, almost-adult, and teen educators, and the content aligns with suggested guidelines for comprehensive sex education for adolescents by SIECUSUNESCO, the US Centers for Disease Control’s National Health Education Standards, and the UK National Health Service’s Sex and Relationships Education. They also meet the new American School Health Association’s National Sexuality Education Standards. Message boards are staffed with experts and volunteers to answer user questions, for emotional support, and to engage in safe, respectful, peer-to-peer discussion. The site also offers referrals to other sexual and reproductive healthcare services, such as STI testing, prenatal or abortion care, mental health care, LGBTQIA+ support, and more.

Sex, Etc.

Sex, Etc. began as a print newsletter in 1994 and launched on the web on Valentine’s Day 1999. The content comes directly from young adults looking to fill in the gaps in their own knowledge and share what they’ve learned. In keeping with that theme, writers for the site are allowed to contribute to Sex, Etc. only until they’re 20 years old. “Nothing about them, without them,” is how Tazmine Weisgerber, who provides sex education and training for Sex, Etc., describes the site. “The national and international conversations are what our teens are talking about,” she says. “Awareness of LGBTQ+ rights and reproductive justice” are all topics of interest to the site’s visitors, she explained.

To ensure accuracy, student staff participate in a three-day training with professionals, as well as an orientation and monthly meetings. They then work with the site’s editorial content developer, Erica Pass, who guides them through pitching a story to getting it ready to publish. Vivian Welch, now a freshman at the University of Arizona, has written extensively for Sex, Etc., and says one of her favorite pieces she wrote was on sensuality. “Of all the areas that encompass sex education, one thing that people never want to talk about is sensuality, the actual pleasure aspect of sex education. They try to limit it to scare you out of having sex. Which is not the goal. The goal is to give people the proper ways to stay safe. And not just physically safe, but also emotionally safe.”

Looking to the future, Pass says they plan to produce more videos, more TikToks, and more Instagram Reels, because that’s where teens are. “I think that what’s great about Sex, Etc. is that it’s written by teens, for teens,” Welch says. “Sex education is not a way to seduce teens into having a bunch of sex … sex education is a good thing. It’s not here to scare anyone.”

AMAZE

AMAZE is a site that produces educational videos on difficult sex and reproductive health topics. The site launched in 2016, and Rachael Gibson, a psychologist and sex educator, is the site’s senior project manager. “We’ve been expanding globally,” Gibson says. “We have over 200 videos translated into different languages. We have videos specific to different countries and their needs, so our global partnerships are very important to us. And here domestically, a grand vision in a perfect world is that AMAZE is used in all schools and that all young people have comprehensive, inclusive sex ed.”

AMAZE videos are one- to three-minute-long videos based on questions the team has gotten from viewers through their YouTube channel and social media platforms, especially Instagram and TikTok. “Our puberty videos are some of our top videos,” Gibson continues. “There are a lot of questions about gender identity, what it means to go through puberty as a transgender or nonbinary or gender-nonconforming person. This is one of the biggest changes.” While the audience is largely young people, the website is used by a growing audience of parents, caregivers, and medical professionals. And in response to legislation like Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill, the platform is experimenting with geotargeting its videos. “We know the kids are going to be going for the info, but we want them to get the stuff that is medically accurate, inclusive, and scientifically informed,” Gibson says.

Pornography As an Educational Tool

Traditionally, most people don’t consider pornography a source of reliable sex education; its typical purpose is to titillate rather than educate. However, there are individuals in the adult entertainment industry who have—and continue to—play a significant role in modeling a paradigm for diversity, acceptance, and ethical sex. Erika Lust, a director and producer of art-house adult films, is cofounder of The Porn Conversation, a website designed to help inform families and educators about sex. “Porn is an industry, and as a media, is sending out messages to adults, but also to all these young people who are using porn as information,” she says. By the age of 12, Lust explains, most kids have seen some form of porn, because they’re naturally looking out for it. “Even if porn never was supposed to be sex education, it has become sex education. There’s a risk just leaving them to watch it,” Lust explains. “It’s so important to have this conversation.” Lust works with other sex educators and researchers, youth organizations, and universities to counter the hypersexualized messages delivered by so much porn—messages that are racist, aggressive toward women, and reflect unrealistic body types.

But Lust’s curriculum isn’t just for young people. She provides information for parents to learn about sex themselves because often they didn’t have access to sex education when they were younger. Lust also directed a movie called Soul Sex, a documentary featuring sex educators Annie Campbell and her husband, John Campbell, where they discuss and demonstrate their approach to pleasure and lovemaking at any age. The Campbells extend their efforts on their website, where they offer coaching sessions and webinars aimed to help couples embrace their sexuality.

Other educators are also targeting older adults, particularly seniors, with educational videos designed for their needs. Jessica Drake is an adult actor and sex educator who, with her series, the Guide to Wicked Sex, directs adult-oriented how-to videos. Joan Price, an author and sex educator, teamed up with Drake to produce a Guide to Wicked Sex aimed specifically at seniors. The film is educational and explicit—Price’s informational segments are demonstrated by two senior couples. As Price told me, “Sex may change as we age, but sex has no expiration date.”

Regardless of your age, evidence-based and high-quality sex education is becoming harder and harder to find offline. As a result, the internet has become a primary resource for inclusive sex education for young and old alike. Information that deals with the essentials—our biology and how it works, and the social, psychological, and behavioral facets of sexual experiences—is readily available. As with anything else, the rest is up to us to be smart consumers and to defend free access to such information.

Complete Article HERE!

15 Things You Need to Do to Be a Good Top

It’s time for all the tops out there to step their game up!

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Here are 15 things you need to know if you want to be a good top!

1. Have some serious foreplay

We’ve all been there. We’re turned on, we’re excited, we just want to get to the game, but sometimes the tailgate is the best part. You want the experience to last. You want him to feel comfortable. Take your time before getting to the actual penetration.

2. Have the condoms

While it’s not the job of all tops to carry condoms, it’s often expected that they are the ones who will. Don’t rely on the bottom to carry the condoms. As the top, the responsibility is more on you. Also, yes, I know PrEP is a thing, and you should be on it. While a miracle drug, it doesn’t protect against other STIs besides HIV, and even if your partner is on PrEP, he may still want to use a condom.

3. Gently enter and ask how it feels

For the love of god, don’t start off by jack hammering. Go slow. Let him get used to having you inside of him. Ask how they feel. Ask if he needs more lube or if you need to pull out for a second.

4. Switch up positions and speeds

Don’t do the same thing the whole time. Speed up. Slow down. Switch positions. While (most) bottoms like to be pounded extra hard in doggystyle, that’s not the only thing we like. Oh, and it can be super sexy to make out while you’re inside of him. If you can jerk him off while you’re inside him too, even better.

5. Give him a break if he’s on top

It takes a lot of work to do cowboy, or any other riding position. Unless he’s a porn star, he’s going to get tired. Sometimes he won’t feel comfortable asking you to switch positions, which is why you should preemptively ask him if he wants to switch it up.

6. Do not false advertise

You know your junk better than anyone else. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I meet a guy, we go back, and he is freakin’ huge. Like donkey d*ck, monster huge. I’m like, where do you expect me to put that? Why did you not give me fair warning? I could have loosened up for you. This is no longer sexy that you’re well-endowed. It’s just annoying. Then there’s the other side of the coin. Don’t lie about being bigger than you are. You can’t hide it. Like, we’re going to find out and be annoyed if you gave yourself an extra three inches.

7. Pull out if you’re going to orgasm too quickly

Slow it down if you’re about to orgasm. If that’s not enough, pull out and do some other “stuff” while your body takes a break. You don’t want to ejaculate within seconds of being inside of him.

8. If you do ejaculate prematurely, let him know your refractory time, and go again

It’s not the end of the world if you orgasm quickly. Just let him know you can have some other fun for a little bit, and then go at it again. Just because you finish once, doesn’t mean that’s the end. Go again! And the second time, you’ll be able to last longer.

9. Don’t be annoying with putting on the condom

Don’t try to sneak it in there without asking. For the love of God, don’t take it off in the middle of having sex without telling him. Sex with condoms can be really annoying. Trust me, I know. But you need to respect your bottom and his wishes.

10. Say his name during sex

This is just hot. It makes him feel special and wanted. I haven’t met a single guy who doesn’t like hearing his name out loud during sex. It’s a simple yet effective turn-on technique.

11. Don’t make a big deal if you get a little “mud” on you

Butts are not chocolate soft serves. Yes, some poop can come out, but not that often or that much if you’re aware of your body. That said, it will happen at some point. It’s inevitable. Don’t make a big deal. Simply ask to change condoms. Or, if you don’t mind, afterwards, take off the condom, wrap it in a paper towel and throw it out without him seeing. Then go wash yourself off. You don’t need to tell him it happened if he didn’t realize. There’s no reason to embarrass him.

12. Read your partner and when in doubt, ask

Sometimes your partner will be vocal. It’ll be clear what he wants you to do. Other times, you’ll have to read him more. Would he like you to go slower or faster? Harder or softer? If you’re not sure, just ask!

13. Let him know when you’re about to finish and ask him where he wants you to orgasm

Some guys like it when you finish inside of them. Other guys, not so much. Some guys like you to finish on unlikely places. Be a gentleman and do what he asks. If he says he doesn’t care, still give him a heads up by telling him where you’re going to ejaculate.

14. Help him finish afterward

Just because you finished doesn’t mean the fun is over. Some bottoms don’t like to ejaculate, but many do. Don’t assume because you were the top that sex is over once you finish. Don’t be greedy. Help him finish if he wants to.

15. Don’t rush out afterward

If you want him to feel used, then yes, rush out afterwards. If not, lay in bed with him for a while. Cuddle. Have some pillow talk. Let him know that he’s more than just a piece of meat and a tight hole. Unless, of course, this was the agreement and both you knew it was a quickie. If that’s the case, then don’t overstay your welcome. Get the hell out.

Complete Article HERE!

23 new gender and sexuality terms added to the dictionary in 2022

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  • In 2022, Dictionary.com and the Oxford English Dictionary added 23 words to describe gender and sexuality concepts.
  • New gender-related words include “enby,” “nounself pronoun,” and “pangender.”
  • New sex and sexuality words include “throuple,” “sixty nine,” and “simp.”

As people’s understandings of gender and sexuality shift, whether due to cultural changes or scientific findings, so do the words we use to describe them.

Language is a major factor in how to shape our identities and view ourselves, and using words that people relate to can break down taboos and allow them to feel understood.

This year, Dictionary.com and Oxford English Dictionaryadded new gender and sexuality words and phrases to their pages, giving readers more options to describe who they are, what they desire, and how they show up in the world.

Words that are already popular slang, like “simp,” made the cut, as did the verb form of “sixty nine.”

Oxford English Dictionary additions include ‘TERF,’ ‘stealthing,’ and ‘sixty nine’

  • Anti-gay (adjective): Opposed or hostile to homosexual people (sometimes specifically gay men) or homosexuality
  • Condomize (verb): To put on a condom; to use a condom during sexual intercourse, either as a contraceptive or to protect against infections
  • Demisexual (adjective, noun): Involving ambiguous or amorphous sexual characteristics or activity
  • Enby (adjective, noun): A person who has a non-binary gender identity; non-binary
  • Hypersexualize (verb): To make (a person or thing) pervasively, excessively, or inappropriately sexual; to imbue or permeate with intense sexual or erotic
  • Multisexual (adjective): Characterized by sexual or romantic attraction to, or sexual activity with, people of different sexes or gender identities
  • Pangender (adjective): Designating a non-binary person whose gender identity encompasses multiple genders, which may be experienced simultaneously or in a fluid way
  • Sixty nine (verb): To engage with a partner in simultaneous mutual oral stimulation of the genitals for sexual pleasure; to participate in a sixty-nine”
  • Stealthing (noun): The action or practice of removing one’s condom during sex (or occasionally of intentionally damaging it prior to sex) without the knowledge and consent of a partner
  • TERF (noun): Transgender-exclusionary radical feminist; typically derogatory term for a feminist whose advocacy of women’s rights excludes (or is thought to exclude) the rights of transgender women

Dictionary.com added ‘simp,’ ‘aromantic,’ and ‘throuple’

  • Aromantic (adjective): Noting or relating to a person who experiences little or no romantic attraction to other people
  • Bachelorx party (noun): An inclusive pre-wedding party, often on the night before or in the days leading up to the wedding, and ranging from a night of drinking to a destination vacation (used in contrast to bachelor party and bachelorette party, and intended to be welcoming for wedding participants and guests of any gender)
  • Demisexual (adjective): Noting or relating to a person who is sexually attracted only to people with whom they already have an emotional bond
  • Feminine of center (adjective): Noting or relating to a person, especially an LGBTQ+ person, who is more feminine than masculine on a spectrum of gender expression
  • Hegemonic masculinity (noun): A socially constructed masculine ideal, defined chiefly in contrast to or as the opposite of femininity, and held up as the most prestigious form of manliness in a heteropatriarchy
  • Heteropatriarchy (noun): A hierarchical society or culture dominated by heterosexual males whose characteristic bias is unfavorable to gay people and females in general
  • Masculine of center (adjective): Noting or relating to a person, especially an LGBTQ+ person, who is more masculine than feminine on a spectrum of gender expression
  • Neopronoun (noun): A type of gender-neutral pronoun, coined after 1800, and used especially by nonbinary and genderqueer people, as in English ze/hir/hirs,e/em/eirs, or xe/xem/xyrs
  • Nounself pronoun (noun): A type of invented gender-neutral pronoun used by some nonbinary and genderqueer people in place of gendered pronouns such as he/himself or she/herself to express a spiritual or personal connection to a specific concept: the nounself pronoun is derived from a word, usually a noun, that is linked to that concept, such as the use of star/starself by people who feel a connection to celestial objects or bun/bunself, derived from bunny, by people who feel a connection to rabbits
  • Simp (noun, verb): A person, especially a man, who is excessively attentive or submissive to an object of sexual attraction; To be excessively attentive or submissive, especially to an object of sexual attraction
  • Sologamy (noun): The practice or state of marriage to one’s self
  • Throuple (noun): Three people who are engaged or 
 married to one another, or involved 
 as romantic partners
  • Unlabeled (adjective): Noting or relating to a person who does not name their gender or sexuality

Complete Article HERE!

6 reasons why you could have performance anxiety during sex

— And how to overcome it

Performance anxiety during sex can be related to physical fears, emotional fears, or a combination.

By

  • Feeling anxious during sex is incredibly common and valid.
  • This can be a result of poor body image, a hyperfocus on your partner, or prior bad experiences.
  • Fortunately, this anxiety can often be overcome through mindfulness, movement, or therapy.

When you think of performance anxiety, you might think of tests or talent shows, but this fear is also common during sex. In fact, up to 25% of men and 16% of women experience sexual performance anxiety.

Performance anxiety manifests during sexual encounters as a worry about what your partner will think of your performance. For example, people may be afraid of not getting an erection or experiencing lubrication, says Jennifer Litner, a sexologist and the founder of sex therapy practice Embrace Sexual Wellness.

But other anxieties, like worrying how your body appears to your partner, can be part of performance anxiety, too.

If you’re experiencing performance anxiety during sex, here’s some things that could be causing it, as well as some information on how it can be treated.

1. Poor body image

Not feeling great about your body can make it hard to have a great time during sex, says Lena Elkhatib, a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapist, and founder of Essential Therapy.

After all, being naked and vulnerable with someone is hard even when you feel great about how you look.

Moreover, if you’re preoccupied with what you look like, you’re probably not focused on the sensations of sex. “It really takes us out of the experience of, what are the feelings in my body, which is what we want to be focused on,” says Rachel Zar, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist who practices at Spark Chicago Therapy.

As a result, it might take you a longer time to orgasm – which might make you even more self-conscious, fueling performance anxiety.

How to overcome it: Working towards body acceptance is a difficult, but empowering way to reconnect with your body. In practice, this can look like:

  • Re-evaluating your relationship with food and movement: Societal bias and weight stigma has taught us to demonize food and overly celebrate exercise. Neutralizing or accepting your relationship with food and movement can help you to be kinder to yourself and celebrate all that your body does for you each day. 
  • Incorporating joyful movement: We often associate the word “movement” with exercise, but fun movements like dancing, walking, or even cleaning can encourage more positive feelings about your body.
  • Visit a boudoir photographer: Taking photos of your body that you feel good about can encourage you to channel that version of your body image in the bedroom. 

2. Feeling disconnected from your partner

Sometimes, you might feel distant from a sexual partner because you don’t know them very well. But even if you’re having sex with a long-term significant other, you could feel disconnected if you’ve recently had an argument or spent some time apart.

This disconnection could make your mind wander during sex, giving anxiety a space to creep in, Zar says. Moreover, if you’re feeling distant from your partner(s), your brain is more likely to kick into “performance mode,” triggering performance anxiety.

“Sometimes, you need some time to reconnect to a partner before you’re able to reconnect sexually,” Zar says. “After all, sex is a really vulnerable thing to do with someone.”

How to overcome it: The best thing to do is talk to your partner about what’s bothering you, Zar says. 

She also recommends focusing on foreplay – not just in bed, but also in the hours or days leading up to sex. That might include touching or kissing each other throughout the day, or cuddling on the couch.

Foreplay gives you an opportunity to reconnect with your partner without rushing straight into sex, and it promotes intimacy.

3. Negative beliefs or shame about sex

One of the most common causes of performance anxiety is negative beliefs about sex, Elkhatib says. For instance, if you were taught as a kid that sex is bad or dirty, you might feel ashamed about engaging in sexual behaviors.

This shame, in turn, might make you worry about how your partner(s) perceive you or feel about your sexual encounters.

“Shame is not a sexy feeling,” Zar says. “If you think that something you’re doing is shameful, you may be easily embarrassed by it or monitor your actions or responses.”

How to overcome it: Attending therapy with a sex-affirming mental health professional is one key way to dismantle sexual shame.

In particular, a therapist can work to help you understand what messages have led you to feel ashamed about your sexuality, Elkhatib says. You can then start to replace those narratives with more sex-positive thoughts.

Sex positive literature can help correct negative sexual beliefs. If your negative thoughts stem from a religious background, you can usually find books that can be helpful. “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagiski could be helpful to everyone.

4. Focusing too much on you partner during sex

We tend to think that being tuned in to our partners’ desires during sex is a good thing, but if you focus on your partner(s) to the detriment of your own pleasure, it can cause performance anxiety.

For instance, if you’re super dialed in to your partner(s), you may notice if they sigh or glance away from you – potentially meaningless signs that may make you worry they’re not enjoying themselves.

Focusing too much on your partner can also be tied into messaging we’ve been taught about sex, Elkhatib says.

For example, if you were raised in an environment where you were told sex is a duty you must perform to please your partner(s), that could lead you to solely focus on your partner’s pleasure during sex – and it could incite performance anxiety as you worry what might happen if you don’t satisfy them.

How to overcome it: Treating this kind of performance anxiety is all about learning to focus on yourself. That might include exercises like masturbating to relearn what feels good in your body or practicing having sex with your partner where you’re the center of attention. 

For instance, Elkhatib says you might have sex with your partner(s) where you’re not allowed to give pleasure to them: they’re only allowed to pleasure you.

If past lessons about sex have contributed to your desire to focus on a partner, then examining the source of those beliefs can be helpful too, Elkhatib says.

Focusing on other forms of bodily pleasure that aren’t sex can also shift your focus: Such as how you eat your food, shower, listen to music, or move during walks.

Mindfulness training is a great way to defeat performance anxiety, Zar says. In mindfulness training, you focus on how your body feels instead of focusing on your anxiety. This can help bring you back into your body so you can enjoy sex more.

Mindfulness can be hard at first, but you can practice it in non-sexual situations, such as at the gym or nail salon, before applying the technique in the bedroom, says Zar.

5. Physical hurdles

If something has changed in your life so that you’re not functioning sexually in the way that you used to, that can cause performance anxiety, Zar says. 

For example, if you’re no longer able to consistently achieve an erection – something that happens to many men as they age – you may develop anxiety, wondering if you’ll be able to perform as you’d like to the next time you have sex.

This may also happen if you experience

  • A lack of ability to orgasm because of taking medications like antidepressants
  • An injury or condition that impacts your sex organs
  • Other physical health conditions, such as heart disease or diabetes, that can impact erectile and orgasmic functioning

How to overcome it: Depending on the cause of the changes, you may be able to work with a primary care physician or a psychiatrist to manage your symptoms, says Litner. For instance, antidepressants can often affect your libido or ability to achieve orgasm. Your psychiatrist may be able to reduce your dosage or change your meds to alleviate these symptoms.

Even if the physical changes don’t abate, you can still manage your performance anxiety by changing how you approach sexual encounters. Litner suggests shifting from a performance-based mindset, which relies on a specific outcome being achieved, to a pleasure-based mindset, in which it’s the enjoyment of yourself and your partner that matters. Studies have shown that mindfulness training can help with this.

Working with a sex therapist that’s specifically focused on people with disabilities can also be helpful. Sex therapists can validate the different, yet equally important challenges that folks with disabilities face when it comes to sex.

6. Past negative experience with a partner

If someone has negatively commented on your sexual performance in the past, that can make you anxious about future sexual encounters.

“A lot of times we see this show up if somebody says something that is more of a rigid comment,” Litner says. “‘How come you’re not hard?’ or, ‘How come you’re not having an orgasm?'”

Even small comments made by well-meaning partners can cause performance anxiety, Litner says.

How to overcome it: Treatment will depend on the severity of the past negative experience, Litner says. If the experience was traumatic or took place during a formative period in someone’s life, trauma-based therapies can be effective. In other cases, psychotherapies like cognitive behavioral therapy and narrative-based therapy can be used.

Insider’s takeaway

Performance anxiety during sex is very common, and can be caused by poor body image, feeling disconnected from your partner(s), or changes in your sexual functioning. Treatment for performance anxiety depends on what is causing it, but a combination of therapy and mindfulness exercises are often effective.

Remember, even if you’re never able to totally eliminate your anxiety around sex, that doesn’t mean your sex life is over. “Intimacy does not mean sex, and sex doesn’t mean intercourse,” Elkhatib says. “The more that people can broaden their library of intimacy… the less pressure there will be to look and feel a certain way.”

Complete Article HERE!

Sex Redefined

— The Idea of 2 Sexes Is Overly Simplistic

Biologists now think there is a larger spectrum than just binary female and male

By Claire Ainsworth

As a clinical geneticist, Paul James is accustomed to discussing some of the most delicate issues with his patients. But in early 2010, he found himself having a particularly awkward conversation about sex.

A 46-year-old pregnant woman had visited his clinic at the Royal Melbourne Hospital in Australia to hear the results of an amniocentesis test to screen her baby’s chromosomes for abnormalities. The baby was fine—but follow-up tests had revealed something astonishing about the mother. Her body was built of cells from two individuals, probably from twin embryos that had merged in her own mother’s womb. And there was more. One set of cells carried two X chromosomes, the complement that typically makes a person female; the other had an X and a Y. Halfway through her fifth decade and pregnant with her third child, the woman learned for the first time that a large part of her body was chromosomally male. “That’s kind of science-fiction material for someone who just came in for an amniocentesis,” says James.

Sex can be much more complicated than it at first seems. According to the simple scenario, the presence or absence of a Y chromosome is what counts: with it, you are male, and without it, you are female. But doctors have long known that some people straddle the boundary—their sex chromosomes say one thing, but their gonads (ovaries or testes) or sexual anatomy say another. Parents of children with these kinds of conditions—known as intersex conditions, or differences or disorders of sex development (DSDs)—often face difficult decisions about whether to bring up their child as a boy or a girl. Some researchers now say that as many as 1 person in 100 has some form of DSD.

When genetics is taken into consideration, the boundary between the sexes becomes even blurrier. Scientists have identified many of the genes involved in the main forms of DSD, and have uncovered variations in these genes that have subtle effects on a person’s anatomical or physiological sex. What’s more, new technologies in DNA sequencing and cell biology are revealing that almost everyone is, to varying degrees, a patchwork of genetically distinct cells, some with a sex that might not match that of the rest of their body. Some studies even suggest that the sex of each cell drives its behaviour, through a complicated network of molecular interactions. “I think there’s much greater diversity within male or female, and there is certainly an area of overlap where some people can’t easily define themselves within the binary structure,” says John Achermann, who studies sex development and endocrinology at University College London’s Institute of Child Health.

These discoveries do not sit well in a world in which sex is still defined in binary terms. Few legal systems allow for any ambiguity in biological sex, and a person’s legal rights and social status can be heavily influenced by whether their birth certificate says male or female.

“The main problem with a strong dichotomy is that there are intermediate cases that push the limits and ask us to figure out exactly where the dividing line is between males and females,” says Arthur Arnold at the University of California, Los Angeles, who studies biological sex differences. “And that’s often a very difficult problem, because sex can be defined a number of ways.”

The start of sex

That the two sexes are physically different is obvious, but at the start of life, it is not. Five weeks into development, a human embryo has the potential to form both male and female anatomy. Next to the developing kidneys, two bulges known as the gonadal ridges emerge alongside two pairs of ducts, one of which can form the uterus and Fallopian tubes, and the other the male internal genital plumbing: the epididymes, vas deferentia and seminal vesicles. At six weeks, the gonad switches on the developmental pathway to become an ovary or a testis. If a testis develops, it secretes testosterone, which supports the development of the male ducts. It also makes other hormones that force the presumptive uterus and Fallopian tubes to shrink away. If the gonad becomes an ovary, it makes oestrogen, and the lack of testosterone causes the male plumbing to wither. The sex hormones also dictate the development of the external genitalia, and they come into play once more at puberty, triggering the development of secondary sexual characteristics such as breasts or facial hair.

Changes to any of these processes can have dramatic effects on an individual’s sex. Gene mutations affecting gonad development can result in a person with XY chromosomes developing typically female characteristics, whereas alterations in hormone signalling can cause XX individuals to develop along male lines.

For many years, scientists believed that female development was the default programme, and that male development was actively switched on by the presence of a particular gene on the Y chromosome. In 1990, researchers made headlines when they uncovered the identity of this gene, which they called SRY. Just by itself, this gene can switch the gonad from ovarian to testicular development. For example, XX individuals who carry a fragment of the Y chromosome that contains SRY develop as males.

By the turn of the millennium, however, the idea of femaleness being a passive default option had been toppled by the discovery of genes that actively promote ovarian development and suppress the testicular programme—such as one called WNT4. XY individuals with extra copies of this gene can develop atypical genitals and gonads, and a rudimentary uterus and Fallopian tubes. In 2011, researchers showed that if another key ovarian gene, RSPO1, is not working normally, it causes XX people to develop an ovotestis—a gonad with areas of both ovarian and testicular development.

These discoveries have pointed to a complex process of sex determination, in which the identity of the gonad emerges from a contest between two opposing networks of gene activity. Changes in the activity or amounts of molecules (such as WNT4) in the networks can tip the balance towards or away from the sex seemingly spelled out by the chromosomes. “It has been, in a sense, a philosophical change in our way of looking at sex; that it’s a balance,” says Eric Vilain, a clinician and the director of the Center for Gender-Based Biology at the University of California, Los Angeles. “It’s more of a systems-biology view of the world of sex.”

Battle of the sexes

According to some scientists, that balance can shift long after development is over. Studies in mice suggest that the gonad teeters between being male and female throughout life, its identity requiring constant maintenance. In 2009, researchers reported deactivating an ovarian gene called Foxl2 in adult female mice; they found that the granulosa cells that support the development of eggs transformed into Sertoli cells, which support sperm development. Two years later, a separate team showed the opposite: that inactivating a gene called Dmrt1 could turn adult testicular cells into ovarian ones. “That was the big shock, the fact that it was going on post-natally,” says Vincent Harley, a geneticist who studies gonad development at the MIMR-PHI Institute for Medical Research in Melbourne.

The gonad is not the only source of diversity in sex. A number of DSDs are caused by changes in the machinery that responds to hormonal signals from the gonads and other glands. Complete androgen insensitivity syndrome, or CAIS, for example, arises when a person’s cells are deaf to male sex hormones, usually because the receptors that respond to the hormones are not working. People with CAIS have Y chromosomes and internal testes, but their external genitalia are female, and they develop as females at puberty.

Conditions such as these meet the medical definition of DSDs, in which an individual’s anatomical sex seems to be at odds with their chromosomal or gonadal sex. But they are rare—affecting about 1 in 4,500 people. Some researchers now say that the definition should be widened to include subtle variations of anatomy such as mild hypospadias, in which a man’s urethral opening is on the underside of his penis rather than at the tip. The most inclusive definitions point to the figure of 1 in 100 people having some form of DSD, says Vilain.

But beyond this, there could be even more variation. Since the 1990s, researchers have identified more than 25 genes involved in DSDs, and next-generation DNA sequencing in the past few years has uncovered a wide range of variations in these genes that have mild effects on individuals, rather than causing DSDs. “Biologically, it’s a spectrum,” says Vilain.

A DSD called congenital adrenal hyperplasia (CAH), for example, causes the body to produce excessive amounts of male sex hormones; XX individuals with this condition are born with ambiguous genitalia (an enlarged clitoris and fused labia that resemble a scrotum). It is usually caused by a severe deficiency in an enzyme called 21-hydroxylase. But women carrying mutations that result in a milder deficiency develop a ‘non-classical’ form of CAH, which affects about 1 in 1,000 individuals; they may have male-like facial and body hair, irregular periods or fertility problems—or they might have no obvious symptoms at all. Another gene, NR5A1, is currently fascinating researchers because variations in it cause a wide range of effects, from underdeveloped gonads to mild hypospadias in men, and premature menopause in women.

Many people never discover their condition unless they seek help for infertility, or discover it through some other brush with medicine. Last year, for example, surgeons reported that they had been operating on a hernia in a man, when they discovered that he had a womb. The man was 70, and had fathered four children.

Cellular sex

Studies of DSDs have shown that sex is no simple dichotomy. But things become even more complex when scientists zoom in to look at individual cells. The common assumption that every cell contains the same set of genes is untrue. Some people have mosaicism: they develop from a single fertilized egg but become a patchwork of cells with different genetic make-ups. This can happen when sex chromosomes are doled out unevenly between dividing cells during early embryonic development. For example, an embryo that starts off as XY can lose a Y chromosome from a subset of its cells. If most cells end up as XY, the result is a physically typical male, but if most cells are X, the result is a female with a condition called Turner’s syndrome, which tends to result in restricted height and underdeveloped ovaries. This kind of mosaicism is rare, affecting about 1 in 15,000 people.

The effects of sex-chromosome mosaicism range from the prosaic to the extraordinary. A few cases have been documented in which a mosaic XXY embryo became a mix of two cell types—some with two X chromosomes and some with two Xs and a Y—and then split early in development. This results in ‘identical’ twins of different sexes.

There is a second way in which a person can end up with cells of different chromosomal sexes. James’s patient was a chimaera: a person who develops from a mixture of two fertilized eggs, usually owing to a merger between embryonic twins in the womb. This kind of chimaerism resulting in a DSD is extremely rare, representing about 1% of all DSD cases.

Another form of chimaerism, however, is now known to be widespread. Termed microchimaerism, it happens when stem cells from a fetus cross the placenta into the mother’s body, and vice versa. It was first identified in the early 1970s—but the big surprise came more than two decades later, when researchers discovered how long these crossover cells survive, even though they are foreign tissue that the body should, in theory, reject. A study in 1996 recorded women with fetal cells in their blood as many as 27 years after giving birth; another found that maternal cells remain in children up to adulthood. This type of work has further blurred the sex divide, because it means that men often carry cells from their mothers, and women who have been pregnant with a male fetus can carry a smattering of its discarded cells.

Microchimaeric cells have been found in many tissues. In 2012, for example, immunologist Lee Nelson and her team at the University of Washington in Seattle found XY cells in post-mortem samples of women’s brains. The oldest woman carrying male DNA was 94 years old. Other studies have shown that these immigrant cells are not idle; they integrate into their new environment and acquire specialized functions, including (in mice at least) forming neurons in the brain. But what is not known is how a peppering of male cells in a female, or vice versa, affects the health or characteristics of a tissue—for example, whether it makes the tissue more susceptible to diseases more common in the opposite sex. “I think that’s a great question,” says Nelson, “and it is essentially entirely unaddressed.” In terms of human behaviour, the consensus is that a few male microchimaeric cells in the brain seem unlikely to have a major effect on a woman.

Scientists are now finding that XX and XY cells behave in different ways, and that this can be independent of the action of sex hormones. “To tell you the truth, it’s actually kind of surprising how big an effect of sex chromosomes we’ve been able to see,” says Arnold. He and his colleagues have shown that the dose of X chromosomes in a mouse’s body can affect its metabolism, and studies in a lab dish suggest that XX and XY cells behave differently on a molecular level, for example with different metabolic responses to stress. The next challenge, says Arnold, is to uncover the mechanisms. His team is studying the handful of X-chromosome genes now known to be more active in females than in males. “I actually think that there are more sex differences than we know of,” says Arnold.

Beyond the binary

Biologists may have been building a more nuanced view of sex, but society has yet to catch up. True, more than half a century of activism from members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community has softened social attitudes to sexual orientation and gender. Many societies are now comfortable with men and women crossing conventional societal boundaries in their choice of appearance, career and sexual partner. But when it comes to sex, there is still intense social pressure to conform to the binary model.

This pressure has meant that people born with clear DSDs often undergo surgery to ‘normalize’ their genitals. Such surgery is controversial because it is usually performed on babies, who are too young to consent, and risks assigning a sex at odds with the child’s ultimate gender identity—their sense of their own gender. Intersex advocacy groups have therefore argued that doctors and parents should at least wait until a child is old enough to communicate their gender identity, which typically manifests around the age of three, or old enough to decide whether they want surgery at all.

This issue was brought into focus by a lawsuit filed in South Carolina in May 2013 by the adoptive parents of a child known as MC, who was born with ovotesticular DSD, a condition that produces ambiguous genitalia and gonads with both ovarian and testicular tissue. When MC was 16 months old, doctors performed surgery to assign the child as female—but MC, who is now eight years old, went on to develop a male gender identity. Because he was in state care at the time of his treatment, the lawsuit alleged not only that the surgery constituted medical malpractice, but also that the state denied him his constitutional right to bodily integrity and his right to reproduce. Last month, a court decision prevented the federal case from going to trial, but a state case is ongoing.

“This is potentially a critically important decision for children born with intersex traits,” says Julie Greenberg, a specialist in legal issues relating to gender and sex at Thomas Jefferson School of Law in San Diego, California. The suit will hopefully encourage doctors in the United States to refrain from performing operations on infants with DSDs when there are questions about their medical necessity, she says. It could raise awareness about “the emotional and physical struggles intersex people are forced to endure because doctors wanted to ‘help’ us fit in,” says Georgiann Davis, a sociologist who studies issues surrounding intersex traits and gender at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, who was born with CAIS.

Doctors and scientists are sympathetic to these concerns, but the MC case also makes some uneasy—because they know how much is still to be learned about the biology of sex. They think that changing medical practice by legal ruling is not ideal, and would like to see more data collected on outcomes such as quality of life and sexual function to help decide the best course of action for people with DSDs—something that researchers are starting to do.

Diagnoses of DSDs once relied on hormone tests, anatomical inspections and imaging, followed by painstaking tests of one gene at a time. Now, advances in genetic techniques mean that teams can analyse multiple genes at once, aiming straight for a genetic diagnosis and making the process less stressful for families. Vilain, for example, is using whole-exome sequencing—which sequences the protein-coding regions of a person’s entire genome—on XY people with DSDs. Last year, his team showed that exome sequencing could offer a probable diagnosis in 35% of the study participants whose genetic cause had been unknown.

Vilain, Harley and Achermann say that doctors are taking an increasingly circumspect attitude to genital surgery. Children with DSDs are treated by multidisciplinary teams that aim to tailor management and support to each individual and their family, but this usually involves raising a child as male or female even if no surgery is done. Scientists and advocacy groups mostly agree on this, says Vilain: “It might be difficult for children to be raised in a gender that just does not exist out there.” In most countries, it is legally impossible to be anything but male or female.

Yet if biologists continue to show that sex is a spectrum, then society and state will have to grapple with the consequences, and work out where and how to draw the line. Many transgender and intersex activists dream of a world where a person’s sex or gender is irrelevant. Although some governments are moving in this direction, Greenberg is pessimistic about the prospects of realizing this dream—in the United States, at least. “I think to get rid of gender markers altogether or to allow a third, indeterminate marker, is going to be difficult.”

So if the law requires that a person is male or female, should that sex be assigned by anatomy, hormones, cells or chromosomes, and what should be done if they clash? “My feeling is that since there is not one biological parameter that takes over every other parameter, at the end of the day, gender identity seems to be the most reasonable parameter,” says Vilain. In other words, if you want to know whether someone is male or female, it may be best just to ask.

Complete Article HERE!

Why is the clit so sensitive?

Thanks to over 10,000 nerves, first real count finds

The first-ever real count of nerve fibers in the human clitoris indicates that they are over 10,000 in number, significantly more than previous estimates suggested.

By Clarissa Brincat

  • Researchers sought to quantify the number of nerve fibers that innervate the human clitoris by analyzing samples of clitoral nerve tissue from human volunteers.
  • They found that the human clitoris contains 10,281 nerve fibers on average, which exceeds a previous estimate based on a study in cows.
  • A better understanding of human clitoral innervation has ramifications for many areas of medical practice, including gender-affirming surgery and repair of the dorsal clitoral nerve after genital mutilation or surgical injury.

The clitoris — a pleasure-producing sexual organ that is located where the labia minora (inner lips) meet and extends along both sides of the vagina — is the female equivalent of the penis.

In fact, the clitoris originates from the same mass of tissue in the embryo that gives rise to the penis.

Although it carries the same importance in sexual functioning, the clitoris has been less widely studied than its male counterpart.

Overturning outdated assumptions

Researchers are aware that the clitoris has a substantial supply of nerves — cordlike structures composed of nerve fibers (or axons) — that conduct signals between the brain and spinal cord and other parts of the body.

However, the number of nerve fibers within the human clitoris has never been officially quantified. The most often-cited claim is that the clitoris has “8,000 nerve endings,” but this figure originates from a bovine study mentioned in a book titled The Clitoris, which appeared in 1976.

To rectify this outdated piece of essential information, a study led by the Oregon Health & Science University (OHSU) examined tissue samples of the dorsal nerve of the clitoris in an effort to quantify the number of nerve fibers innervating the human clitoris.

The dorsal nerve, which consists of two symmetrical, tube-like structures, is the main nerve responsible for clitoral sensation.

The researchers presented the results of this first known count of human clitoral tissue at a scientific conference hosted by the Sexual Medicine Society of North America and the International Society for Sexual Medicine on October 27, 2022. A detailed paper explaining the study will appear in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

“[T]his [study] highlights the broad scope of knowledge gaps that are present within vulvar health. These fundamental gaps […] ultimately do result in significant consequences for patients,” Dr. Maria Uloko, study co-author and assistant professor of urology at the University of California, San Diego, told Medical News Today.

“There are numerous statistics regarding the difficulty of access to care for common vulvar conditions, [which] lead to significant healthcare cost[s] to patients as well as the healthcare system. We are talking [about] billions of dollars spent on vulvar and urinary conditions alone. And the societal cost of the psychological symptoms associated with just trying to get a diagnosis really can’t be quantified but they are quite high. This research is the start of reassessing what we know about the vulva and filling in those knowledge gaps.”

– Dr. Maria Uloko

10, 281 nerve fibers on average

The researchers obtained clitoris tissue samples from seven transmasculine volunteers who were undergoing a gender-affirming surgical procedure known as phalloplasty.

During a phalloplasty, surgeons use tissues taken from the person’s clitoris and other body parts to construct a functional penis.

The researchers looked at one half of the dorsal nerve, magnifying it 1,000 times under a microscope, and used image analysis software to count the individual nerve fibers.

In each sample, they found 5,140 nerve fibers on average. Since the dorsal clitoral nerve is symmetrical, they multiplied this number by two, concluding that the average dorsal nerve of the clitoris contains 10,281 nerve fibers, with a possible count ranging from 9,852 to 11,086.

This result is about 20% higher than the conventional estimate of 8,000 nerve fibers.

To put the findings in perspective, study coauthor Dr. Blair Peters, an assistant professor of surgery at the OHSU School of Medicine and a plastic surgeon who specializes in gender-affirming care, notes that:

“Even though the hand is many, many times larger than the clitoris, the median nerve [which runs through the wrist and hand] only contains about 18,000 nerve fibers, or fewer than two times the nerve fibers that are packed into the much-smaller clitoris.”

Study implications

The researchers believe that establishing the number of fibers in the dorsal clitoral nerve is an important step in the understanding of clitoral innervation and sexual response.

It should also draw attention to the need for more education, research, and funding attributed to studying the clitoris.

“Importantly, there are few options available to people who have suffered nerve damage to the clitoris and researchers should build on this work to be able to better treat these conditions. It should [equally] importantly be seen that this work came from trans people and is for people of all genders,” Dr. Peters told MNT.

One field that will benefit from the results of this study is clitoral reconstruction following female genital mutilation (FGM). There have been several reports of injury to the clitoris and its nerves as a result of FGM.

The researchers hope that their findings will lead to new surgical techniques to repair injured nerves.

Dr. Bahir Edouard Elias, a plastic, esthetic and reconstructive surgeon specializing in the field of surgical reconstruction after FGM, who did not contribute to the current research, told MNT that this “excellent study […] will be of great help” in that area.

Dr. Peters believes that the results of this study will improve sensory outcomes for transgender patients undergoing phalloplasty as the surgeon can better select which nerves to connect during the procedure.

The researchers are also hopeful that their findings could help reduce accidental nerve injuries during elective female genital cosmetic surgery. However, Dr. John G Hunter, professor of clinical surgery at Weill Cornell Medicine and attending plastic surgeon at New York-Presbyterian Hospital, expressed some skepticism in his comments to MNT.

“As [a] surgeon who has performed over 1,000 labiaplasties, with clitoral hood alteration in approximately half, my patients virtually never report negative ‘sexual function’ consequences from the procedure postoperatively,” he said.

“This is supported by published literature. But this is subjective, and follow-up is rarely longer than 4–6 months for labia minora (inner lip) reduction. Gender-reaffirming surgery is entirely different. It also includes much more psychological overtones,” he added.

According to Dr. Hunter, “[m]ore studies are needed, but [it is uncertain] that one will ever be able to correlate gross anatomical findings with functional — especially erotic/ sensory — findings in genital anatomy.”

Study limitations and next steps

When asked about the study’s limitations, Dr. Peters noted that the study had a small cohort and only one sample was collected from each participant.

Furthermore, all participants were on testosterone therapy. While hormone therapy should not impact nerve fiber count, the analysis of tissue samples from individuals who are not on exogenous hormones would support the study.

Another limitation, Dr. Peters pointed out, is that “the total number [of nerve fibers] was calculated assuming bilateral symmetric innervation” — that is, that the dorsal nerve is symmetrical.

The researchers also noted that the study focuses on myelinated nerve fibers in the dorsal clitoral nerve. Since unmyelinated nerve fibers and other nerves in the clitoris were not counted, the result of this study likely underestimates the number of nerve fibers in the human clitoris.

In the future, Dr. Peters would like to conduct similar studies on the penis glans (or head), with the hope of shedding more light on the two organs and aiding surgeons in creating a functional clitoris for transgender patients.

Complete Article HERE!

What Does It Mean To Be Bigender?

Experts Explain The Gender Identity

For starters, it *doesn’t* mean you’re bisexual.

By Emily Becker

Gender is a spectrum, so there are a ton of ways you can choose to identify yourself—a.k.a. you’re not limited to just “female” and “male.” In addition to terms like non-binary, genderfluid, and pangender becoming more commonly used, one term you may also have been hearing recently is “bigender.”

In its most basic definition, being bigender means that you identify with having two genders. What those two genders are and how those two genders show up in the way you express yourself is entirely up to you—and isn’t the same from one bigender individual to another. As a gender identity (as opposed to a sexual identity or orientation), the term also doesn’t indicate who someone might be attracted to.

If you’re looking to learn more about the topic, here’s everything you need to know about what it means to be bigender, including how someone might express their bigender identity and how you can support the bigender community, according to expert sources.

What does it mean to be bigender?

Within the definition of bigender, there are many ways to experience the identity, and anyone who identifies as two genders (regardless of what those two genders are) would fall on the bigender spectrum.

“It is important to recognize that just because someone identifies with two genders does not mean those gender identities are man and woman. Being bigender can also include non-binary identities, for example, male and agender, or agender and androgenous, etc.” says Erynn Besser, LCPC and AASECT-certified sex therapist. “There are many different gender identities with which people may identify within the bigender identity.”

The bigender identity is usually grouped under the umbrella of non-binary (more on that later). “To be bigender means having two gender identities that can be experienced and expressed separately, or that can blend and be experienced simultaneously,” explains Paula Leech, LMFT, an AASECT-certified sex therapist. How a person experiences and expresses their two genders can also be dependent on different situations, adds sex therapist Alex Chinks, PsyD.

During times when someone may appear to be expressing one gender exclusively, it’s important to recognize that the second gender doesn’t just disappear from their identity during those times. “You may see a bigender individual who dresses and ‘appears’ completely cis-gendered,” Chinks explains. “That does not mean that their other gender identity is not a part of them and who they are.” Got that down?

What is the difference between bigender, non-binary, genderfluid, pangender, and bisexual?

While these are all terms that you might hear in a similar context as bigender, they are all their own unique identities.

  • Non-binary: Someone who is non-binary feels their experience of their gender does not feel like an accurate reflection of the gender they were assigned at birth, specifically male or female, says Leech. It is also a larger category of gender identities under which bigender falls.
  • Genderfluid: Someone who identifies as genderfluid would see gender as more of an expansive, ever-changing concept, Leech explains. For a genderfluid person, gender identity is an idea that is constantly shifting as they grow.
  • Pangender: While someone who is bigender feels they identify as two genders, someone who is pangender feels they encompass multiple, or even all genders, according to Leech.
  • Bisexual: A sexual orientation, someone who is bisexual experiences “sexual and/or romantic attraction to people who are of the same gender and people who have a different gender than your own,” Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, a sex educator and researcher based in Atlanta previously told Women’s Health. This means someone could be both bigender and bisexual, but they don’t have to be.

What does being bigender look like?

Because the bigender experience can vary greatly (like all gender identities, TBH), there’s no one way to express being bigender, and you should celebrate your identity in the way that feels best for you.

“It is important to recognize that each person’s expression of their gender identity is unique to them, and there is no ‘right’ way for someone to express their gender identity, including the amount of time one expresses a particular identity,” says Besser. Plus, those who have a bigender identity may express their multiple identities at the same time or separately.

Someone who is bigender may display that identity through dress and use of pronouns, explains Chinks, who also adds that “it is important to remember the fluid nature that can arise with being bigender, meaning that an individual may use one set of pronouns at one point in time or in one situation, and another at another point.”

Simply put, there’s no one set of pronouns that a bigender person typically uses. Instead of guessing based on appearance, your best bet is to ask someone which pronouns they prefer.

Signs that you might be bigender:

While the term is a relatively new way to express gender identity, there are certainly people who have had feelings of being bigender long before there was a word to describe it. The following list includes some (though certainly not all) of the ways you can experience being bigender, if you’re curious:

  1. You move between two distinct ways of expressing yourself. This can be how you display emotionally, psychologically, physically, and/or spiritually, Leech says.
  2. You experience gender dysphoria. Chinks explains the idea of gender dysphoria as the feeling that “the way I feel inside is not aligning with my outward or biologically-assigned gender.” The concept used to be strongly associated with someone who is transgender, Chinks adds, but in terms of the bigender identity, someone might be born male and be comfortable with that male identity, but also feel like there is a feminine side to their gender identity that needs to be honored, too.
  3. You have feelings of gender euphoria. According to Besser, gender euphoria is “a feeling of joy, empowerment, and comfort when your gender identity and expression is affirmed.” For bigender individuals, this could be when you start to display two sides of your gender and it finally feels like something clicks for you.

How to support bigender loved ones and greater community:

No matter your personal gender identity, there are ways that you can do your part to make your communities more inclusive:

  • Don’t make assumptions. You may have a close friend or family member who is bigender, but that doesn’t mean you know what they’re going through at all times. Leech says that it’s important not to let previous experience or generalizations prevent you from “being curious, really learning about [the identity], and coming to understand the person in front of you and what they uniquely need.”
  • Ask questions. The best way to find out how you can support someone or what they need from you? Ask. Especially when it comes to which pronouns they prefer. This is much more respectful than assuming you know the answer, Chinks explains.
  • Learn more. It’s not on someone who is bigender to teach you everything about the identity. “Become an ally by doing your own education in order to avoid education burdening,” says Besser. There are plenty of resources online to get you started. (Like this comprehensive and expert-approved gender identity list on Women’s Health.)
  • State your pronouns. When you start a Zoom meeting by stating your pronouns or include them in your email signature, you are “opening the door” for those who are bigendered or non-binary to share theirs, Chinks explains. This, in turn, helps to normalize the idea that gender is a spectrum, a spectrum on which everyone is just trying to understand their place.

Complete Article HERE!

The science of sexual orientation

— Can genes explain sexuality? Should we even try to know?

By Katie MacBride

There’s nothing new about being gay, but that hasn’t stopped scientists from trying to understand it.

Over the past two decades, many researchers have become focused on the notion of a “gay gene” — biological proof that one was “born this way.”

It makes sense: Our genes can influence who we are, and psychologists contend sexual orientation is not a conscious choice. It theoretically stands to reason there might be genetic underpinnings to who we become sexually attracted to.

But more recent research has both confirmed and debunked the notion of a genetic basis for sexual orientation. Instead of just one gene (or one marker on one gene) that determines sexual orientation, there are many genes with markers related to attraction to the same sex.

For example, in 2019, the researchers studying those markers and same-sex attraction told Inverse: “This finding suggests that on a genetic level, there is no single dimension from opposite-sex to same-sex preference.”

But that’s just part of the story.

Two new studies published Monday, one in Nature Human Behavior and the other in Scientific Reports, further illuminate the complexities of sexual orientation and how fraught scientific study of the subject is. They also highlight three key factors:

  1. Our own sexual orientation may be much more fluid than we thought.
  2. The same cluster of genes that may be associated with same-sex sexual behavior may confer some evolutionary advantage.
  3. There are inherent dangers in focusing on genetics in relation to sexual orientation.

Genes and sexual behavior — First author Brendan Zietsch, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Queensland in Australia, and colleagues attempted to discover why the genes associated with same-sex sexual behavior continue to flourish. Their study was published in Nature Human Behavior.

In a statement, the study authors report:

“Because [same-sex sexual behavior] SSB confers no immediately obvious direct reproductive or survival benefit and can divert mating effort away from reproductive opportunities, its widespread occurrence across the animal kingdom and human cultures raise questions for evolutionary biology.”

Using information from the UK Biobank, and questionnaire responses about sexual behavior from hundreds of thousands of individuals, the study team analyzed the genome of 477,522 people in the United Kingdom and the United States who had only had same-sex interactions.

They compared that data set to the genome of 358,426 people in the same countries who had only had opposite-sex encounters.

The team found the genes linked to same-sex behavior are also found in straight people. This gene profile across groups is associated with having more sexual partners.

Gay pride flag
A man waves an LGBTQ flag in front of the Bosnian parliament.

The authors posit that the number of opposite-sex sexual partners could be advantageous from an evolutionary perspective, as it could lead to more children.

In turn, they argue their results help explain why same-sex sexual behavior has persisted throughout the evolution of the human species: These genetic effects may have been favored by evolution as they are associated with more children.

Ultimately and critically, the authors claim, the genes may less have to do with sexual preference and more to do with sexual openness/willingness.

The ethical debate — Other scientists caution against extrapolating information about sexual preference or behavior from genes.

In a commentary piece published alongside the study, ethicists Julian Savulescu, Brian D. Earp, and Udo Schuklenk distill the debate around whether or not this kind of research will lead to societal abuse.

They write:

“One can imagine technologically advanced repressive regimes where homosexuality is outlawed requiring genetic testing of embryos and foetuses, destroying those disposed to SSB, or testing children early in life for their propensities. Others will respond that the world (or at least some parts of it) has become more accepting of homosexuality, so perhaps these worries are overblown.”

What matters, they argue, is creating a society in which this kind of genetic research can’t be abused to further harm anyone, much less already marginalized groups.

They write: “Genes shape, limit, and provide opportunities for who we are and who we can be, both as individuals and as members of communities. To prepare for further research into polygenic behavioral traits including SSB, we must reshape society.”

Ilan Dar-Nimrod, a researcher and professor at The University of Sydney’s School of Psychology, tells Inverse “genes are taking oversize agency” in the minds of sexual behavior researchers.

“Genes code for properties,” he explains. “And although they can predict a lot of things, many people have this one-to-one view: if you have the gene, you’re going to be that and you can’t change it.”

That’s simply not in line with what we know about the science of genetics, he says.

On Monday, Dar-Nimrod and his colleagues also published a study looking at sexual preferences, this one in Scientific Reports. This study’s results support his assertion about preferences being more malleable than genes would suggest.

Sexuality is a spectrum

In their study, Dar-Dimrod and colleagues asked 420 cisgender people ranging in age from 18 to 83 to read literature. The study participants identified as exclusively heterosexual.

“We’ve just changed how they look at it.”

One group read literature about sexual preferences as a fluid spectrum. For example, one of the articles discussed gradations of sexual attraction towards men and women and noted that people can fall anywhere along the continuum. Another article explained that sexual orientation can change over time, shifting throughout one’s life instead of being fixed. The control group read unrelated articles.

After reading the literature about sexual fluidity:

  • Twenty-eight percent of the participants in the experimental group were more likely to identify as non-exclusively heterosexual.
  • Nineteen percent indicated they would be more likely to be willing to engage in same-sex sexual activities.

The rate of participants identifying as “non-exclusive heterosexual” more than quadrupled after the experiment.

In contrast, in the control group, only 8 percent of the participants identified as “non-exclusively heterosexual” after reading the literature unrelated to sexual preferences.

Dar-Nimrod says there were several results that surprised him:

  • How many people in the experimental group identified as “non-exclusively heterosexual” following the experiment
  • People actually expressed a willingness to engage in same-sex activities following the experiment
  • That even when balanced with literature refuting the idea of sexual preference as a spectrum — one of the articles argued that sexual orientation is indeed fixed — participants still gave more credence to the literature that discussed a sexual spectrum

Dar-Nimord doesn’t believe the literature he had the experimental group read actually changed who the participants were attracted to.

“We haven’t changed the underlying orientation,” he says. “We’ve just changed how they look at it.”

While our genes may predispose us to certain traits and conditions, when it comes to behavior, our society, environment, and relationships all play a huge role in how we behave.

“Do we really need to suggest that [queer people] were born with a certain gene to accept them and their relationships with other consenting adults?” Dar-Nimord says. “I don’t think so.”

Once we realize we’re not in fixed, black and white boxes, we have the freedom to explore the gray area to which most of us belong. At least, that’s what science really can show.

Nature Human Behavior abstract: Human same-sex sexual behaviour (SSB) is heritable, confers no immediately obvious direct reproductive or survival benefit and can divert mating effort from reproductive opportunities. This presents a Darwinian paradox: why has SSB been maintained despite apparent selection against it? We show that genetic effects associated with SSB may, in individuals who only engage in opposite-sex sexual behaviour (OSB individuals), confer a mating advantage. Using results from a recent genome-wide association study of SSB and a new genome-wide association study on number of opposite-sex sexual partners in 358,426 individuals, we show that, among OSB individuals, genetic effects associated with SSB are associated with having more opposite-sex sexual partners. Computer simulations suggest that such a mating advantage for alleles associated with SSB could help explain how it has been evolutionarily maintained. Caveats include the cultural specificity of our UK and US samples, the societal regulation of sexual behaviour in these populations, the difficulty of measuring mating success and the fact that measured variants capture a minority of the total genetic variation in the traits.

Scientific Reports abstract: We examined whether heterosexual individuals’ self‐reported sexual orientation could be influenced experimentally by manipulating their knowledge of the nature of sexual orientation. In Study 1 (180 university students, 66% female) participants read summaries describing evidence for sexual orientation existing on a continuum versus discrete categories or a control manipulation, and in Study 2 (460 participants in a nationally representative Qualtrics panel, 50% female) additionally read summaries describing sexual orientation as fluid versus stable across the life‐course. After reading summaries, participants answered various questions about their sexual orientation. In Study 1, political moderates and progressives (but not conservatives) who read the continuous manipulation subsequently reported being less exclusively heterosexual, and regardless of political alignment, participants reported less certainty about their sexual orientation, relative to controls. In Study 2, after exposure to fluid or continuous manipulations heterosexual participants were up to five times more likely than controls to rate themselves as non‐exclusively heterosexual. Additionally, those in the continuous condition reported less certainty about their sexual orientation and were more willing to engage in future same‐sex sexual experiences, than those in the control condition. These results suggest that non‐traditional theories of sexual orientation can lead heterosexuals to embrace less exclusive heterosexual orientations.

Complete Article HERE!

The evolutionary paradox of homosexuality

Being gay no longer holds the stigma it once did, but in evolution, why does a non-reproductive trait persist?

By

In 1913 George Levick, an explorer, travelled to Antarctica. There, he found something so terrible that he requested his findings not be published. In case the correspondence was leaked or intercepted, he took the further precaution of writing key sections in ancient Greek: these were not letters to be read by the lower orders.

Levick had been studying penguins: birds whose monogamous lifestyle had so impressed the Victorians that they had been held up as models of probity and integrity.

But he had seen something on his trip to the bottom of the world that had caused him to question that assessment. “There seems,” he wrote with palpable shock, “to be no crime too low for these penguins.” Levick’s penguins, you see, were gay.

And if penguins can be homosexual, what was to say that that behaviour, far from being the perversion society presumed it was, was natural in humans too?

These days homosexuals, avian or otherwise, generally have an easier time of it. While we may have accepted that same sex attraction is natural, though, there is a far harder question: why is it natural?

We know that homosexuality is, at least in part, genetic. Studies show, for instance, that identical twins are more likely to be both homosexual than non-identical twins. So it is passed on by evolution. This is a problem, particularly so with men – who for obvious reasons find it harder to fake an interest in sex.

Imagine you had never heard of evolution, and someone described it to you. One of the most basic predictions you would surely make is that a trait that made people less likely to reproduce should die out. Male homosexuality, a trait that, at least among exclusive homosexuals, means people have no interest at all in the act of reproduction, should never have existed in the first place. And yet it does. How?

To answer that question, researchers have gone to a place where homosexuality itself does not exist, at least in the form we know it: Samoa. Here, in the South Pacific, there is a third gender called the Fa’afafine – a group born male who behave as women.

This is not the only place with third genders. There are the “Two-Spirit” people of Native America. There are the Khatoey ladyboys of Thailand. There are the Hijras of Pakistan. In 2004 a Hijra, Asha Devi, was elected mayor of Gorakhpur under the slogan “You’ve tried the men and tried the women. Now try something different”.

Hijra offer prayers on the occasion of Urs festival in Hooghly near Kolkata © Saikat Paul/Pacific Press/LightRocket via Getty Images
Hijra offer prayers on the occasion of Urs festival in Hooghly near Kolkata

Paul Vasey, from the University of Lethbridge in Canada, believes that homosexuality as it manifests itself in most of today’s world is unusual. In more ancient cultures, he thinks you can see homosexuality as it was practised by our ancestors in deep time – as a “third gender”.

And in looking at these third genders – in particular the Fa’afafine – he believes we can find clues as to why this evolutionary paradox of male homosexuality persists.

What is interesting for Professor Vasey is that, firstly, there is no recognised gay identity in Samoa and that, secondly, the Fa’afafine occur at the same proportion as male homosexuals in the west. He believes there is a simple explanation for this.

“I’m gay,” says Professor Vasey. “But if I’d grown up in Samoa I wouldn’t look like this. I’d probably look like a really ugly Fa’afafine.”

Fa’afafine translates literally as “in the manner of a woman”. Boys who appear more feminised in their behaviour will often be classified as a Fa’afafine, and brought up as something between a woman and a man. There is also an analogue for masculinised girls – Fa’afatama.

The fact they also go on to sleep with men is not the only similarity between Fa’afafine and western gay men. “There’s all kinds of traits the two share in common. Both exhibit elevated childhood gender atypical behaviour, both exhibit elevated childhood cross sex wishes, both exhibit elevated childhood separation anxiety, both prefer female-typical occupations in adulthood.”

For Professor Vasey, it seems obvious that being Fa’afafine and being gay is the “same trait, expressed differently depending on the culture.” He even argues that the oddity is the West – that the way homosexuality manifests in Europe and North America may even be an expression of our repression rather than our freedom.

“The part of the brain that controls sexual partner preference, it’s the same for all of us,” he says. “It’s just that if you take that biological potential, put it in Samoa where society doesn’t flip out about male femininity, then feminine little boys grow up to be Fa’afafine. If you take that potential, put it in Canada, feminine boys learn pretty quickly they had better masculinise to survive.” This, he believes, is precisely what he ended up doing.

Whether the “third gender” really is the ancestral form of homosexuality, with the way it is practised in the West today an aberration, is a separate issue. That it can take such widely different forms, shows the impact society can have on sexuality. That its prevalence remains largely the same also shows the limits of such socialisation – that there is something else going on. But what?

Professor Vasey is one of the very few scientists in the world looking at this question, and he does so thanks to the Fa’afafine. There are two specific theories used to explain male homosexuality that he is interested in. The first could be termed the “benevolent uncle hypothesis”.

Alatina Ioelu does not remember not being a Fa’afafine. Yet he does remember not wanting to be one. “You don’t really come out,” he said. “You’re just that. In a way it’s good, in a way it’s not good. When you’re growing up as a kid you’re innocent of your actions, how you move or sound. You’re not aware you are doing something that doesn’t conform to the norms of how society considers boys.”

But he clearly didn’t, because his classmates began to call him a Fa’afafine. “And so you grow up being known as that. I wanted to distance myself from it, I didn’t want to be that.” He couldn’t, though, because he realised it was true. “In the end you’re like, ‘sh*t, that’s what I am.’”

It would be wrong to claim that the Fa’afafine are completely accepted in Samoa. There is a place for them, however, and always has been. “They walk around and nobody says, ‘Oh, that’s a Fa’afafine’. In my family we have a long line going back. I have a great uncle that’s a Fa’afafine, I have four second cousins, a first cousin…”

He realised that this itself was a paradox – all these Fa’afafine going back generations. “How the hell do we have Fa’afafine, and they don’t reproduce? How is it we are still around, when we don’t have children?”

He also realised that Professor Vasey may have the answer. Fa’afafine do not have biological children of their own. Conventionally, from the point Alatina realised who he was, he was taking himself out of the reproductive game. Or was he? Perhaps not entirely.

The benevolent uncle explanation is based on the idea that there is more than one way to pass on your genes. The best way to reproduce, in terms of percentage of genes passed on, is to clone yourself through asexual reproduction. Stick insects can do this. Humans, alas, can’t.

The most efficient method we have to perpetuate our genes is sexual reproduction – passing on half our DNA each time. It is not the only option, though. Your siblings, for instance, share half your genes, which means your nieces and nephews share a quarter. To an uncle each of those nieces and nephews is therefore, from a genetic point of view, worth half a child.

Tafi Toleafoa, a fa'afafine living in Alaska, USA, tends to her niece during a family gathering after church © Erik Hill/Anchorage Daily News/MCT via Getty Images
Tafi Toleafoa, a fa’afafine living in Alaska, USA, tends to her niece during a family gathering after church

What if simply having an extra man around, a benevolent uncle to provide for the extended family’s children, was enough to ensure more of those children survive to reproduce themselves? This could be where the Fa’afafine come in. Alatina says that there are clear and defined roles for them.

“They become almost like the caretakers of families. They are responsible for taking care of the elderly, parents, grandparents, even their siblings’ children. Because they are feminine they take up this motherly role in families.”

Having an extra hardworking adult without dependants is no minor advantage. Everyone has extra fish, extra firewood – and fuller bellies. It is not implausible that, particularly in difficult times, a childless Fa’afafine could ensure more nieces and nephews reach reproductive age. That is the idea behind the benevolent uncles hypothesis, that good uncling becomes a form of reproduction in itself.

To test the theory, Professor Vasey looks to see if the Fa’afafine are more avuncular – literally, uncle-like. He has found that, compared to single straight men or aunts, they are indeed more likely to want to look after their nieces and nephews. They take more interest in them, babysit more than straight men, buy more toys, tutor more and contribute more money to their education.

Of course, in order for a gay uncle to be useful you need to ensure he actually has nieces and nephews (and preferably a lot of them) to be useful for. There’s no point in being a good uncle with no one to look after. So it would be good for this theory if gay uncles were more likely to pop up in big families. Incredibly, they do.

One of the best-established and more intriguing results in homosexuality research is that the more elder brothers a man has, the greater his chances of being gay. The mechanism, only discovered this year, seems to involve each pregnancy leading the mother to develop antibodies against a protein involved in male foetal brain development.

The result is, as families get more likely to benefit from the services of a gay uncle, the chances of one appearing increases.

Problem solved? Not quite. In order for this to completely explain homosexuality, a lot of extra nieces and nephews would have to be born and survive – probably too many for the genetic mathematics to add up.

But Professor Vasey does not think the benevolent uncle theory needs to be a complete explanation. It can be one of many, and the other leading contender is the “sexually antagonistic gene hypothesis”, more snappily known as the “sexy sisters hypothesis”.

What if the genes for homosexuality persist because despite making non-reproductive (if avuncular) men, when they appear in women they produce excellent breeders? Again the Fa’afafine, and Samoa, have been his laboratory. Professor Vasey took 86 Fa’afafine, and 86 heterosexual Samoan men. He then looked at their grandmothers – who are easier to study than sisters, because all their breeding is already finished.

He found that the grandmothers of the Fa’afafine were indeed better breeders. The theory is simple. By passing on their genes these grandmothers might end up with the occasional grandson who wears dresses and doesn’t reproduce (though always remembers his nieces’ and nephews’ birthdays). But they themselves, thanks to the very same genes, were also better at reproducing – so made enough other grandchildren to make up for it. There is a problem, though, given the way the theory was originally framed. Somehow, the “sexy grandmothers’ hypothesis” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Complete Article HERE!

What’s The Difference Between Polyamory And Open Relationships?

By Lauren Ash

If you’ve been active in the dating scene, you’ve probably spotted the phrase ‘ethically non-monogamous’ in a few Bumble bios lately. Ethical non-monogamy is a popular dating and relationship term that encompasses a number of “non-traditional” styles of relationship and approaches to dating, including polyamory, swingers, relationship anarchy, as well as open relationships, per Freddie. And while all of these relationships fall under the heading of ethical non-monogamy, they are not synonymous with one another. Though open relationships of all kinds are nothing new, it seems more and more people are interested in exploring their options. A 2021 study revealed that one in nine Americans have been in a polyamorous relationship, and one in six would be open to trying one at some point (via Newsweek).

To people who’ve never considered non-monogamy, the idea of having multiple emotional and sexual relationships might seem confusing. Just the number of relationship labels can be a lot to process. “In practice, it can look like a range of things,” Georgia Grace, a certified sex coach and educator tells Vogue Australia. “For some people, being ethically non-monogamous is about wanting to have sex with multiple people. For others, it’s about having romantic connections, or it might be about intimacy, or a range of other reasons.” Whatever the motivation behind opening things up, the common thread between these types of ethically non-monogamous relationships is that all partners are aware of the open relationship dynamic and fully consent to their partner(s) becoming romantically, sexually, and/or emotionally involved with other people.

What is polyamory?

Polyamory is a non-monogamous approach to love and dating in which people are open to multiple romantic relationships with the knowledge and consent of all partners involved. This type of open relationship isn’t just about having more sex with more people, it’s about opening yourself up to the abundance of love and committed relationships that life has to offer. “It’s honestly not that much different from being in any relationship, for me at least. Each relationship is separate from the other, and each has their great parts and less than great parts, just like any relationship,” one polyamorous woman shares with Refinery29. It’s important to point out that being polyamorous isn’t necessarily the same as being in an open relationship.

With open relationships, the focus is placed more heavily on having a sexual relationship outside of a marriage or relationship, while polyamory tends to place more emphasis on exploring intimate or romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. And within the polyamory community itself, there are many different sub-groups that each have their own structure and relationship hierarchies; a few of these being solo polyamory, polyfidelity, hierarchical polyamory, and non-hierarchical polyamory, just to name a few (via PureWow). “There are no right or wrong ways to do polyamory and non-monogamy in general. It’s really about what works for you,” says sex therapist Rachel Wright tells Them. “While there are these types of polyamorous relationships, it doesn’t mean they are the only ways to do it.”

What is an open relationship?

Open relationships refer to any type of romantic relationship (dating, marriage, etc.) in which one or both parties aren’t exclusively sexually involved with each other or are open to exploring sexually together. Some people consider open relationships to be a type of polyamory, but more often the term “open relationship” is used to describe committed or otherwise closed partners that are open to other sexual connections. “When we think of an open relationship, a lot of people assume it’s a free-for-all. But the truth is that open relationships often have tons of structure — it’s just structure that the spouses have created together, tailored to their specific needs, rather than a blind acceptance of the normative structure that defines monogamous marriages,” sex educator Wendasha Jenkins Hall, Ph.D. tells Cosmopolitan.

There are a number of reasons why previously monogamous couples might explore a new relationship style -– what’s important is that both parties are happy with the arrangement. “Any time a couple decides to do anything of importance in their relationship, they need to make sure that they’re creating a win-win situation for both people,” couples and family therapist Gabrielle Usatynski tells Katie Couric Media. “This is what we call true mutuality. It’s good for me and good for you, and if it’s not good for one person, it’s not good for either, because we sink or swim together.” Whatever the reason for exploring new sexual boundaries with your partner, trust and open communication are the key to any successful open relationship.

Is opening up your relationship right for you?

If you’re considering opening up your relationship but don’t know if it’s right for you, it might be helpful to see what the experts have to say. For starters, you’ll want to decide and discuss the boundaries that both you and your partner have. While it may feel scary and intimidating to express your desires and show your vulnerable side, it’s important to take your time and be honest with your partner. “The key is communication. These relationship styles are all about being upfront and honest about what you want and what your needs and boundaries are. The most successful ones are those where people are on the same page,” sex and relationships therapist Renee Divine, L.M.F.T., tells Women’s Health.

If this sounds like an arrangement that you and your partner can manage, you might want to consider taking the leap. Open relationships of all kinds are a chance to explore your desires and widen your worldview on what love looks like. And remember, this should be a light and fun adventure for everyone involved –- so keep the communication open and fun as you figure things out. “No matter where on the spectrum couples decide to land, opening up your relationship will involve trial, error, and flexibility,” sex and dating coach Tennesha Wood tells TZR. “Open relationships can change and evolve and it’s important that couples openly communicate at every stage of the process and allow room for change.”

Complete Article HERE!

How To Teach Girls What A Healthy Relationship Looks Like, Early On

by Kimberly Wolf, M.Ed.

Love is one of the highest-impact subjects you can teach. Fortunately, it’s also one of the easiest to broach.

If you’re tempted to open up a discussion of romantic relationships with “no dating until you’re 30!” you wouldn’t be alone or entirely misguided. Throughout history, conventional wisdom held that fathers should teach their daughters about the perils of love, stop their potential ravishers at the door, and avenge their heartbreaks.

While your role has evolved, and dad jokes about scaring dates away are far past their prime, there are some real dangers you want to address. Identifying these risks can help your daughter recognize any potentially harmful patterns in her relationships and help her avoid or address them early on:

The risks of romantic relationships:

  • Loss of personal identity. Girls can become so wrapped up in their romantic relationships that they get distracted from schoolwork, let their friendships slip, and devote less focus to their own passions.
  • Emotional distress. Fights, disappointment, and heartbreak can send girls spiraling.
  • Risky sexual behavior. If girls’ relationships become intimate, there is the chance for risky sexual behavior to occur. Girls need to be educated about sexual health.
  • Dating violence. Dating violence, including sexual misconduct, is a matter of international concern.

The building blocks of healthy relationships.

Some of these building blocks may seem obvious, but you can’t take for granted that your daughter will figure them out easily. Telling her the basics can make a positive difference, saving her time and limiting confusion and heartache. Here are some characteristics of good relationships:

  • Partners feel happy and content in the relationship most of the time.
  • There are strong feelings of psychological safety and joy and low levels of drama and jealousy.
  • Partners feel accepted. They don’t feel pressured to change their appearance, values, hobbies, or other personal characteristics.
  • Partners maintain their personal identities and activities and stay focused on their individual goals and responsibilities, enjoying their relationship as just one part of their lives.
  • Partners share a strong emotional connection, not just a physical connection.
  • Partners communicate openly and directly to voice boundaries, build trust, and solve conflicts quickly.
  • Partners speak and act kindly to each other, boosting each other’s self-esteem.
  • Partners are not physically violent.
  • Partners end relationships respectfully.

Red flags in relationships.

Discussion of potential red flags also has an important place in this conversation. Here are some concerning signs your daughter should be aware of:

  • Feeling like a romantic partner is excessively jealous.
  • When a romantic partner acts controlling or tries to dictate what their significant other is allowed to do, where they can go, and who they can spend time with outside the relationship.
  • A partner feels guilty, like they can’t do anything right, or that they are “in trouble” with their romantic partner often.
  • Any type of physical violence or threat of violence.
  • Any type of sexual violence.

Girls’ common questions and concerns.

Why it seems like “everyone is in a relationship.”

Explain that for a lot of reasons, it might feel to your daughter like she is the only one not in a relationship. It’s easy to focus on what others have. A lot of movies depicting life in middle and high school focus on a love story, which makes it seem like having a relationship in your teens is something that needs to happen or should always happen. And romantic relationships are glorified and depicted in the music girls listen to and the Netflix shows they binge. Since our culture places so much value on relationships, it makes total sense she may feel like the only single person at one time or another.

Make sure she knows that most people have their first relationships after high school and that relationships don’t always happen on our timelines. Relationships are about connecting with the right person at the right time. And make sure she realizes that lots of people have the moment she is having, where they feel like they are the only one without a significant other. Her time to be with someone will happen, and it will be worth the wait.

With this approach, you are making her feel heard, honoring her feelings, and reassuring her while also offering her facts to back up a different point of view. She may not be in the mood to consider her situation from a different perspective, but she may come back to it later.

How to get into a relationship.

This is another common question for girls. Mention that relationships begin in all different ways. Help her see the benefit in spending time with people who make her happy and who make her feel relaxed and confident. Sometimes, girls focus on crushes who don’t have the same feelings or who are interested in other people. Encourage your daughter to really pay attention in these moments, noticing whether certain crushes and relationships actually make her happy. Explain that you can’t always choose the way you feel or who you are attracted to, but you always have the ability to change your focus to the people you feel comfortable around and who value you.

Things to say:

  • I love you.
  • Love is an important part of life.
  • Healthy relationships can be a fun and meaningful part of life.
  • It can feel like everyone else is in a relationship, but that isn’t the case.
  • Relationships should add to your sense of inner peace and confidence, not cause anxiety.
  • You should never feel like you have to change or be uncomfortable to make someone else happy.
  • Trust your gut feelings about someone.
  • Jealousy, controlling behaviors, and violence are not markers of authentic love.
  • Be truthful and kind in relationships.

Things to not say:

  • You’re not dating until you’re 30.
  • Relationships don’t matter right now; focus on your homework and friendships.
  • You’re too young to be in love.
  • You don’t know what love is.
  • Relationships never work out.
  • All men are dogs.

Questions to ask:

The topic of love and relationships comes up in a song, TV show, or movie. Ask:

  • Do you think the way they are talking about love is realistic?
  • Do you think the media sets healthy expectations for real-life relationships?
  • Do you think the media influences the way your friends view love and relationships? How?
  • Who do you think are the most realistic TV or movie couples? Why?

Your daughter and her friends are talking about crushes and/or significant others in your presence. Later on, ask:

  • Do you think most people you know in relationships are happy? Or do people get caught up in the drama?
  • Do you feel like your friends are always respectful and caring when talking about other people’s relationships?
  • What do you think are the best things about relationships right now?
  • What is most exciting to you about relationships?

Your daughter is in a relationship that seems positive. Ask:

  • What is your favorite thing about [name]?
  • Are there ways you feel that being in this relationship is helping you?
  • What do you feel like you’ve learned so far about relationships?
  • What are the ways you communicate best together?

Beyond the conversation: modeling healthy relational behaviors.

When it comes to teaching your daughter to recognize healthy relationships and incorporate healthy relationship strategies, the example you set is paramount. You don’t have to be perfect, but whenever possible, model the habits you hope your daughter will form, even in trying times. Show her what it means to treat loved ones with respect and resolve conflicts in caring ways. If you have a romantic partner, be mindful of cultivating healthy relationship dynamics together. Your daughter will notice and develop expectations for her relationships based in great part on your actions and behaviors.

Complete Article HERE!