Tag: Sex Education

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How to Have Good (and Safe!) Sex in College

From prioritizing pleasure to planning ahead.

By Cathryne Keller

Sexual freedom and exploration can be one of the most exciting parts of the transition to college life: Living on campus can put you in a hyper-horny environment in which the things you’ve only wondered or fantasized about are now possibilities to explore. As exhilarating as that may sound, though, it can also be a bit overwhelming—especially if you’re new to living on your own or starting to be sexually active for the first time.

Not to kill the mood, but much like coming up with a studying schedule can help you achieve academic success, making a plan for your sexual health is one of the best ways to set yourself up for a satisfying college sex life. After all, when you prioritize your sexual well-being, you have more control over what unfolds, which can make for more positive experiences (in the short and long term).

And even if you’re not sexually active, sexual health is a part of your overall health, so it’s important to take care of it regardless—whether you’re not having sex or can’t wait to have as much sex as possible. Here, we asked sexual health experts for their best advice for the newly-minted undergrad.

1. Prioritize pleasure as you explore your sexuality.

Sexual education is seriously lacking in most states (only 20 require that high school curriculums include information on contraception use, for example, per the Guttmacher Institute). And even if you consider yourself well-educated regarding stuff like preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, that alone won’t necessarily make for a satisfying sex life. “Even if you did get sex ed, it was probably about how sex will kill you, not that sex should feel good,” Jennifer Lincoln, MD, a board-certified ob-gyn practicing in Portland, Oregon, tells SELF.

When it comes to sexual pleasure, talking to your partner about what feels good to you (and them) is essential, says Dr. Lincoln. And getting curious about your own body through masturbation can also help you discover what gets you off, Lee Phillips, PhD, a licensed sex therapist who practices in New York City, tells SELF. Solo sex sessions are a great way to figure out what types of stimulation you prefer, he says, whether you plan to get another person involved in your pleasure or not.

You can also visit inclusive sex education sites like Scarleteen—which gives practical, relatable advice on everything from masturbation to porn preferences—or read actually helpful sex ed books like S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties (by Scarleteen founder Heather Corinna) to help you figure out who and what turns you on. Streaming sexy movies can also be a fun way to discover what you’re into. (To help you get, um, going, here’s some more orgasm inspiration from SELF.)

2. Find out what types of sexual-health support are available on-campus.

Access to a campus health center or clinic is usually included in your annual fees, for example, but some schools may bill through your parents’ health insurance. The clinic may be taking new patients, or it might be difficult to get an appointment. Your college might offer free on-campus testing for sexually transmitted infections (STIs), annual ob-gyn visits, emergency contraceptives, and abortion care, or they might not have any of these services. You can ask a rep at student services or your campus health center to find out what’s available to you.

Regardless of whether you get care through your college, a local Planned Parenthood clinic, or another provider who isn’t associated with your campus, you’ll also probably want to know how your provider handles information you might like kept confidential, like prescriptions for birth control, says Dr. Lincoln. For example, even though you have a legal right to medical privacy, your parents might get statements that show you visited an ob-gyn if you go through their insurance for the visit. Dr. Lincoln says you can ask your provider what types of information the insured party might get in the mail and notes that a Planned Parenthood or campus-based clinic is more likely to be discreet.

If you live in a dorm, your resident assistant may also have some answers to your questions about your school’s sexual-health services, including those that are specific to the LGBTQ+ community. For example, at least 149 colleges and universities offer insurance plans that cover hormones and gender-affirming surgeries for transitioning students, according to data collected by the nonprofit Campus Pride.

And even if you aren’t sexually active at the moment, it’s a good idea to get familiar with the health care services you have available so that you feel comfortable using them if and when you need them. If you have a vagina, it’s particularly important to have a provider to speak to when you suspect that you have an infection, such as bacterial vaginosis, a yeast infection, or a UTI, as you’ll want to get speedy treatment.

3. If you want to avoid pregnancy, decide on a contraception plan.

Using a condom during sex can significantly reduce your odds of getting an STI or becoming pregnant—with perfect use, they’re effective at pregnancy prevention 98% of the time. But user error is common: In a 2017 analysis of contraceptive failure published in Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, condoms had, on average, a 13% failure rate over the span of one year. In other words, if you’re having the kind of sex that can lead to pregnancy, ideally, you’ll have a backup method of birth control.

Choosing a birth control method can be daunting, though, since there are so many options available, says Dr. Lincoln. Your best bet is to do a little research beforehand so that you have an idea of what method would work best for you. “It’s important to go to legitimate sources, and not TikTok, which can scare you off just about every birth control option,” Dr. Lincoln says. She points out that experiences with birth control that you might see on social media are pretty much like online business reviews: People only share “if it’s really awesome or really horrible.”

Dr. Lincoln recommends FindMyMethod and Bedsider.org as sites to consult as you start your research. Once you’ve compiled a list of pros, cons, and potential side effects for a few birth control options, you’ll be more empowered for a conversation with your provider.

4. Understand when to get tested for STIs.

STIs can be an unfortunate part of being sexually active. That’s true even if you aren’t engaging in penetrative sex of any kind. If body fluids like saliva, semen, or vaginal secretions are getting swapped, your risk of infection will never be zero, Kristen Mark, PhD, a professor of family medicine and community health at the University of Minnesota Medical School’s Institute for Sexual and Gender Health, tells SELF.

The National Institute of Health (NIH) points out that many STIs don’t have any obvious symptoms, so there’s often no way to tell if you’ve got one. Whether you’re between partners, engaging with a new partner, or have never been tested before, if you’re sexually active, STI testing should be part of your health care routine, says Dr. Mark.

You can visit your campus clinic or go to your general practitioner or ob-gyn to get tested for STIs. If a test is positive, your health care provider will talk you through your treatment options. You may need to take a course of antibiotics to clear things up, in the case of bacterial infections like chlamydia and gonorrhea, or begin antiviral medication to reduce your symptoms from viral infections like HIV or genital herpes. You’ll also be advised to contact any recent sexual partners to let them know they should get tested as well—it might not be the sexiest conversation, but it’s the right thing to do.

5. Know how to give and receive consent.

It sucks that we even have to talk about this, but sexual assault regularly happens on college campuses. One in five women in college experience some form of sexual assault, according to the United States Office on Women’s Health, and it’s more likely to occur within the first two semesters of campus living. LGBTQ+ students are also at a higher risk than their straight peers. You don’t have to live in fear, but having an emergency plan for unwanted sexual activity is an important part of sexual self-care, says Dr. Lincoln.

Start with a baseline definition of what consent really means. Planned Parenthood uses the acronym “FRIES” as an easy device for defining it: Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific. That means that if you’re feeling cornered by someone who intimidates you, that’s not consent. Agree to one type of sexual activity but then your partner tries to do something else you’re not into? That’s also not consensual.

Scarleteen has a great guide for navigating consent that clears up any confusion and gives practical tips for giving and receiving consent in a realistic, less awkward way. For example, you can phrase your enthusiasm in sexy terms—as in, “Don’t stop!” or “This feels so right”—or assure consent by framing your desires as questions (“I really want to do X sexual thing—do you want to do that too?”).

Of course, the sad and infuriating reality is that knowing what consent means isn’t always enough to help you avoid nonconsensual situations. That’s why Dr. Mark highly recommends keeping contact information in your phone for a few people you can call if you experience sexual assault or otherwise find yourself in a sexually unsafe situation—think supportive friends you can trust, your resident assistant, or your campus security officers. You can also get 24/7 confidential crisis support from a trained staff member at RAINN by calling 800-656-HOPE or using the organization’s online hotline.

6. Have a plan for when things don’t go according to plan.

Dr. Lincoln recommends having emergency contraception (EC), like Plan B (available over the counter) or Ella (which requires a prescription), on hand as well. “That way, if something happens on a Saturday night, you’re not waiting until Monday afternoon because that’s when your campus medical office opens,” Dr. Lincoln says.

It’s also important to know the abortion laws in your state and figure out where the nearest abortion clinic is. You can ask a provider or rep at your student health center which EC and abortion care options are available to you (and how and where to access them). You should also consider stocking up on cheap pregnancy tests so you can act quickly on a positive result if you need to.

7. Consider your mental health as a part of your sexual health.

Sexual relationships—or a lack thereof—can have a major impact on your mental health in college. Whether you’re dealing with a partner who’s throwing up red flags, sexual violence, behavior you regret, or just the general angst and uncertainty that can come with pursuing romantic relationships as a young adult, having a neutral third party to talk to can be incredibly helpful.

If you’re struggling with any aspect of your sexual health (including gender identity, body image, peer pressure to have sex, domestic abuse, or a sexual assault), talking to a mental health professional can help you navigate your struggles so you can feel better—mentally and physically. Your college most likely has mental health services or a counseling center available, even if you don’t live on campus. If the counseling center is booked, you can ask a rep if there are other services available in your immediate area or how to access a telehealth provider.

8. Finally, make some friends you don’t want to sleep with.

You may be revved up and ready to have all your sexual fantasies fulfilled during your college years, but the most important relationships you form on campus may end up being platonic. Both Dr. Lincoln and Dr. Mark say that building a community of friends is a form of sexual self-care.

Dr. Phillips recommends joining several on-campus groups or organizations if you’re having trouble finding your people. And Dr. Mark suggests talking about your specific sexual boundaries, expectations, and anxieties with your pals when no one is under the influence of any substance. That way, you’ll have someone who can check in with you if you’re, say, tipsy at a party and hanging out with an ex you insisted you didn’t want to hook up with.

Finally, have patience with yourself if there’s a bit of a learning curve while you figure all this sexual-health stuff out. As Dr. Mark points out, all major life transitions are hard, and becoming independent—sexually and otherwise—as a college student is a big one.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is Shibari or Kinbaku?

— Everything you need to know about BDSM rope play.

Shibari is an art form with a rich history, and a fun, experimental present.

By Beth Ashley

The Discovery+ true crime series House of Hammer, detailing the allegations surrounding Call Me By Your Name actor Armie Hammer, has raised a lot of questions about Shibari and Kinbaku, BDSM, kink, and ethics. The series, which opens with Hammer (who has denied these allegations) detailing his love of Japanese rope bondage, has also made some monumental mishaps in explaining how certain kinks and scenes within the BDSM community actually work. The series doesn’t ever address what these kinks actually are, or their important connection to Japan’s history and culture. Disappointed but not surprised.

Viewers of House of Hammer will understandably have questions about Shibari and Kinbaku, but those shouldn’t be answered by someone accused of committing acts of sexual violence. There are dangerous implications with allowing Hammer, an alleged abuser, to define and discuss any form of BDSM — and to conflate consensual sexual practice with abuse
“Members of the BDSM community are already frequently let down, misinterpreted, and inaccurately portrayed in the media.” Members of the BDSM community are already frequently let down, misinterpreted, stigmatised, and inaccurately portrayed in the media, with many speaking out against titles like Bonding, How to Build a Sex Room, and Fifty Shades of Grey for tying problematic ideas to kink.

In reality, the BDSM community centres play of any kind around consent, respect and communication. And that’s especially true with Shibari.

What is Shibari?

Shibari, sometimes called Japanese rope bondage or “kinbaku” is a modern form of rope bondage which originated in Japan. The term “shibari” means “tying” and “kinbaku” means “tight binding.” The two are used interchangeably, and refer to the same type of play. Put simply, Shibari involves tying someone up with ropes. Sometimes this involves sex, with couples tying each other into certain positions and sometimes the fun is just about the tying itself. But historically, it’s been used as a form of meditation, relaxation, and trust-building practice between two people.

Sexologist Midori, author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and founder of Planet Midori, tells Mashable: “It originated as an underground form of culturally specific erotic fantasy play, enjoyed by ordinary people, which centers on erotic nostalgia.”

She explains that the practice is embedded in Japan’s ancient history. “In the same way that kinky people of European heritage have incorporated shackles into their sex, based on historic captivity measures, Japanese folks found inspiration in captured maidens.” Only, in Japan’s history, the restraint of choice was rope.

But today, Japan, Shibari is enjoyed by consenting adults in their private sex lives, as well as stage performances in kink-themed bars, and of course in porn. And it’s catching on in the West too, with kink and fetish clubs in the United Kingdom and mainland Europe embracing Shibari in play. It’s even got a thriving TikTok community.

Why are people into Shibari?

Midori explains that she personally loves Shibari because it’s so flexible, both literally and figuratively. “Shibari fits all bodies, and [the rope] can be woven into the process of creating a vast range of scenes and moods. It’s adaptive as you can adjust and change it to suit all body types, physical conditions, and experience levels. You don’t need to be flexible to enjoy shibari – you just need to be clear about what works and doesn’t work for your body on that day,” she tells Mashable.

Marika Leila Roux, co-founder and creative director of Shibari Study, who offer Shibari classes, says “Shibari is a way of communicating through rope and that makes it magical. It’s not just about memorising certain patterns or knots; instead, shibari allows you to use things like how you handle your rope and different ways of using speed, tension and tempo to create different sensations and even emotions for your partner (or yourself).” She says that using rope in a way that’s playful, sensual, tender and a little challenging can help us examine our needs, desires and intentions as well as those of our partners.

How do I get started with Shibari?

Shibari isn’t something you can jump into head first without doing some required reading, learning and pre-sex communication first. It does literally involve rope after all, so safety is an important consideration.

Marika explains that the most important thing to learn when getting started is general safety, which is why Shibari Study offers a safety course for free. So, Shibari newbies, it’s time to crack out the books and maybe take a class or two. Marika says you should “invest serious effort into grasping the basic techniques. No one is going to master Shibari overnight, nor should they try to. I always recommend a ‘low and slow’ integration method.”

Thorough communication about wants, desires, boundaries and what you’re looking to get out of Shibari with any potential partners are also crucial before, during and after every Shibari session.

“There will always be some sort of risk when playing with ropes,” Marika notes, “but as long as you do your research and communicate clearly with your partners, you should be able to mitigate these risks and create a fun and enriching experience. Take the time to establish and update your own personal risk profile — an evaluation of an individual’s willingness and ability to take risks and what they are comfortable with and be transparent with whoever you are tying with,” she adds.

Midori says that in terms of equipment, beginners should start with cotton rope as it’s softer on the skin and it’s easier to clean up. “Start with shorter ropes, as they’re easier to handle. Super long ropes can get tangled up, be hard to handle, and just increase frustrations for the person tying and boredom for the person waiting to be tied.”

Close up on a red soft ball of rope, used in the Japanese erotic arts of kinbaku, sinju and shibari, on black silk

“Always have a set of safety scissors nearby when playing too,” she adds. “Sometimes knots simply get too tight to undo easily, or the person being tied up might want to get out quickly.”

She also recommends steering steadily into the world of complicated positions. While you’re still a beginner, and certainly during your first time, don’t try anything too crazy. “Start with your most favourite sex position, and try to tie your partner, or have them tie you, into that shape,” she says. She recommends starting with an easy, gentle placement too. “Tie the right wrist to the right thigh and the left wrist to the left thigh. If the partner is a bit more flexible, try wrists to ankles.” But don’t do anything too complicated on the first go, and don’t tie near the neck and head so the person being restrained can still breathe.

Is it cultural appropriation to do Shibari if I’m not Japanese?

Midori explains that, outside of Japan, in the past decade or so, Shibari has gone viral. With that increase in popularity, came some criticism of Westernised interpretations of the craft, along with “particular narratives about Shibari’s history.”

“Shibari is a noble and complex art form, passed down from the samurai, taught today from master to acolyte,” Midori explains. “Others claim that Shibari is a respected art form and spiritual practice in Japan. These narratives, however, are unfortunately deeply problematic as they are another form of ‘othering’, Orientalism, and out-of-context cultural appropriation.”

“For people who don’t buy into those problematic narratives today, they can enjoy Shibari as part of their own variation of kinky bondage play,” she assures. “Is Shibari a spiritual practice in Japan? No. Might some Shibari lovers in Japan and the rest of the world find moments of emotional catharsis in Shibari? Sure. Do some of these folks make it their own form of spiritual exploration? Yes.” But she stresses that this isn’t unique to Shibari. It’s been so for people who enjoy other forms of kink, such as leather bondage, flogging, ordeal play, and dominance and submission — to name a few.

“Shibari is about consensually tying each other up for fun and sexual pleasure.” She also adds that the social media side of Shibari can purposely make Shibari ropes look overly complex, but if it suits you, Shibari beginners are welcome to tie whatever ropes they can manage, and giggle their way through the process. It doesn’t have to be a serious situation. “You don’t have to study and master complex forms that might not even be healthy for you or your partner’s body. A few basic ties and maybe a simple body harness [which you can learn from coaches online or in a beginner’s Shibari class] is fine, good, and hot for most people.”

Ultimately, Shibari is about consensually tying each other up for fun and sexual pleasure. “It shouldn’t be intimidating or aggravating,” she says.

Despite certain documentaries and their perception of play, people who play with Shibari centre their experiences around communication, respect and consent, be it about BDSM or the rope work alone. It should go without saying, but Shibari should never be used to abuse someone. Though it’s derived from images of captivity, the practice is a far cry from this. Shibari is an art form with a rich history, and a fun, experimental present. If you want to be a part of it, seek out a qualified coach to show you the ropes, a trusted partner, and let out your spicy side.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Top 5 NSFW sites to learn what porn didn’t teach you

From literal “eduporn” to scientifically-backed demonstrations.

By Mashable SEA

In the United States, sex education is pretty poor; some states don’t require it at all. Because of this, porn often replaces proper sex education — which is a disservice to everyone.

Porn is a filmed performance. Everyone is positioned so all is on display, so sexual acts often look different than they do in real life (cunnilingus is just one example — givers don’t stick their entire tongue out IRL!). Most of the time, porn doesn’t show the intimacy, variety, and awkwardness that real sex has.

If you’re an adult and feel like your bedroom knowledge is lacking, you’re not alone — and there are resources tailor-made for you. They happen to be NSFW in that they show naked bodies and talk about sexy topics, but they’re not exactly what you’d find on Pornhub, either. Here are five NSFW sites to teach you what porn didn’t.

1. Eduporn by Afterglow

Cost: US$2.99 for a day, US$9.99/month, or US$69 for a year (US$5.75/month)

Who’s it for: People who want to watch porn and learn

Women-owned ethical porn site Afterglow has a series within the site called Eduporn. As the title may suggest, it’s the most porn-like of this list and incorporates explicit scenes along with tips. Your teachers are adult performers themselves, so they entertain as well as educate.

There are various “how to” eduporns to choose from on Afterglow, like how to have sex when you have a disability and how to have sex outdoors. It’s less technical than the subsequent options, but these go into practical tips on exploring sex. There are also some basics, such as “how to hook up” and “how to have sex with a woman.”

For those interested, Afterglow has straight-up porn options as well; the price includes the whole site, not just Eduporn.

2. Beducated

Cost: US$24.99/month if billed monthly, US$16.67/month or US$199.99 if billed annually

Who’s it for: People who want an extensive menu of sexy topics to dig into

Beducated is like a Coursera for sex; there’s a wide range of modules that dive deep into topics, not single videos. When you sign up, you list your sexual interests (and what you don’t want to see, which is a nice touch) and your demographics (age, sexuality, and relationship status). From there, you can explore sections like recommended for you, most popular, and based on interests you picked when signing up.

Beducated has modules for all types of activities, from learning basic sexual acts like cunnilingus and fellatio, to education on emotional wellbeing like how to navigate non-monogamy, to more advanced teachings like around kink and BDSM.

3. Climax

Cost: US$29 to US$227

Who’s it for: People who want researched approaches to sex and tantra

Climax is a video-based platform that breaks down vulva pleasure techniques based on scientific research. Climax pulled together insights from 74 sexual health and pleasure studies for their first two seasons, on external and internal pleasure respectively. Climax also conducted a survey of around 100 cis women and interviewed sex therapists and tantra teachers. The latter is especially helpful for their third season, all about tantra exercises.

Each season is a series of videos with different pleasure techniques. While not very porn-y, you do see a lot of vulva. For the scientifically inclined, Climax regularly includes statistics from their third-party research and surveys.

4. OMGYES

Cost: from US$49 to US$119

Who’s it for: People who want a scientific approach to learning about pleasuring vulvas

In partnership with Indiana University and the Kinsey Institute, OMGYES conducted a large-scale study — a staggering 20,000 women, ages 18 to 95 — to understand specific techniques that are pleasurable to vulvas. These techniques are distilled into three seasons (as of this publication): essentials, inner pleasure, and toy techniques. Within each season are a breakdown of pleasure techniques, with SFW explainer and NSFW demonstration videos and written descriptions. For many of these techniques, there are also research statistics and illustrated diagrams, and sometimes even video stimulations that you can “pleasure” with your computer mouse.

OMGYES has given me names for techniques I myself enjoy, and proves that I’m not alone in techniques. You will see lots of vulvas and breasts, but OMGYES is pretty scientific in nature.

5. Kenneth Play’s Sex Hacker Pro Course

Cost: US$247

Who’s it for: Straight cis-men or anyone who wants to learn more about vulvas and “sex hacking”

Kenneth Play is a sex educator and “hacker” whose expertise has been cited in Mashable. Sex Hacker Pro has the highest price point of this list and very much geared towards straight cis men learning about how to please their cis women partners. The beginning of the course, for example, goes over vulva anatomy and orgasms. Even if you’re not cishetero, though, there’s plenty of great information here beyond the basics like the neuroscience of sex and how mindfulness plays a part as well.

Play takes a no-nonsense approach when going over the fundamentals and delving into pleasure “hacks” like tantra and kink. Play himself and various partners demonstrate these sex moves like oral, anal, and squirting.

If you want to brush up on or improve your skills in the bedroom, try these sites instead of Pornhub.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is BDSM?

Your Queer Guide to Kink, Domination, Bondage, and More

Queer sex experts answer your most commonly asked questions about BDSM.

By Evelyn Bauer

Okay, first things first: BDSM is hot, and I’m not the only one who thinks so. Just look at the latex, leather, and chain outfits featured in Fashion Week collections earlier this year. BDSM has long had an aesthetic influence on fashion and pop culture, and while you might think of it as a niche set of sexual practices, it’s a more common fantasy than you might think.

For those unfamiliar with the term, BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. But it goes far beyond those acts, and more broadly stands as an umbrella term for a wide array of sexual behaviors, play, and relationships that center on power and control.

“It involves playing around with and often subverting power dynamics,” sex educator and pro-domme Goddexx Haru tells Them. “It’s consensual, meaning all parties understand what they’re getting into and communicate throughout to make sure that everyone feels okay during and after a scene.”

As with all umbrella terms, BDSM is open-ended and ever-evolving. It can include a variety of acts and behaviors, from pain play to bondage to humiliation, and has expanded to capture the multiplicity of ways that consenting adults explore power dynamics. People may also engage in more immersive forms of play like lifestyle BDSM, a practice in which people integrate kink into their daily life from small things like being expected to clean the house for their dom(me) to wearing a leash and being walked around the block by their dom(me). 

Have you ever fantasized about having your partner tie you up or smack your butt during sex? Maybe you’ve thought more than once about telling your partner what to do, inside and outside of the bedroom. If so, certain aspects of BDSM may be right up your alley. However, you may still have concerns before diving into the world of kink. 

Read on for answers to the most common questions people have about BDSM: What does BDSM stand for? What types of BDSM are there? How do I set boundaries before getting started? What is a safeword? Is BDSM Queer? And how do I get started?

What does BDSM stand for?

BDSM is an initialism of Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. For those unfamiliar, here is what these terms roughly mean:

Bondage: The most well-known kind of bondage is being tied up by or tying up a partner with handcuffs, ropes, tape, or other materials, such as belts. Other forms of bondage include using restraints like latex masks, ball gags, genital cages, and other equipment. The act of binding your partner or being bound during play are ways to experiment with power dynamics and trust.

Discipline: In the context of sex, discipline involves one person conditioning another person to behave to their liking through rewards and punishment. This look like many acts, such as slapping a sub for moaning or making noise during sex to pleasuring a sub for begging for a specific sexual act.

Domination: Acts through which a dominant, or dom(me) for short, controls their submissive, or sub. Domination can include inflicting pain, using verbal insults, and other forms of conditioning. This can look like a dom(me) hitting a sub, using tools like floggers, and demeaning them.

Submission: Submission refers to acts wherein a submissive succumbs to the will of their dom(me). Subs may show their dominant they’re in control by verbally affirming their dom(me), pleasuring their dom(me) by doing sexual acts they enjoy, or allowing their dom(me) to inflict pain on them.

Sadism: Sadism is when one experiences sexual pleasure by inflicting physical pain or humiliating another person. For example, a dom(me) may get off on hitting their partner or inflicting other forms of physical pain on them through biting, cutting, or whipping.

Masochism: Masochism is when one feels sexual pleasure from being subjected to pain or experiencing humiliation. Subs may experience sexual gratification from being hit or bound by their dom(me) or being insulted and degraded.

These are phrases that describe interpersonal dynamics between consenting parties; some people prefer to be in control (dominating others), while others may prefer to give control to others (being submissive).

How BDSM looks in practice depends on the wants, needs, and comforts of all involved. Some people choose to engage in bondage only, while some hate the feeling of restraint but want to explore impact play. Some others might hate pain but love the feeling of losing control. BDSM is a spectrum that everyone can interact with in their own way, whether privately at home with their partners, at kink clubs, or with professional dom(me)s, making the possibilities endless and exciting.

“To me, BDSM is an umbrella term for many different kinks, dynamics, fetishes, etc,” Carly S., a pleasure educator for Spectrum Boutique, tells Them. “Having my own kinks outside of vanilla sex brought me to the scene. It’s also really empowering to find a community of like-minded perverts. You can much more easily find play partners, friends, or more when you find the part of the community you vibe with the most.”

What types of BDSM are there?

Illustration of a mustachioed person applying mascara.
People often assume I’m uber-masculine just because I’m a Dom. There’s way more to me underneath the leather.

Having read this far, you can see why this is a difficult question to answer. While the initialism of BDSM stands for certain words, the umbrella nature of the community extends to cover such a vast ground of kink and play that it would be impossible to list all the types.

“Oh, there’s too many ways to engage with BDSM to even count honestly,” Fucktoy Felix (link NSFW), a queer porn performer, tells Them. “Some people are more into the bondage. Some people are more into the discipline and control. Some people emphasize the dynamic between dominance and submission more, for others it’s all about pain play with sadism and masochism. A lot of people blend a lot of these. There’s also a lot of kink and fetish content that lies outside what most would consider ‘BDSM’ altogether.”

Basically, there are as many ways to play with BDSM as there are leaves under the sun. Some examples include:

Shibari: An artistic form of bondage that originated in Japan, consisting of a partner tying up their submissive with colorful ropes in intricate patterns.

Pain Play: Sex that involves intentional pain inflicted by a partner or yourself. This can include spanking, biting, hitting, and scratching, among other acts that involve tools like whips, floggers, and paddles.

Humiliation: Degrading a partner and attacking their self-worth through insults and sometimes psychological torture. It is often paired with physical aspects of BDSM such as bondage or pain play.

Lifestyle BDSM: The act of involving BDSM in your everyday life, not just your bedroom. Lifestyle BDSM can range from having a partner tell you how to dress and what to order at a restaurant to being locked in a kennel when your dom(me) is away.

Sometimes BDSM doesn’t even need to include sex or sexual activities. “Since BDSM is really an umbrella term for a lot of different kinks and fetishes, there are equally as many variations in how people play,” Carly says. “For example, some scenes might not involve sex at all, and others might be focused on sexual activities.”

Don’t let the stereotypical depictions of BDSM in films like 50 Shades of Gray deter you from thinking your particular interests aren’t part of the umbrella. “On film, I tend to do heavy bondage including suspensions, unusual forms of punishment such as waterboarding or more traditional corporal, etc. but there’s an extremely short list of people I trust to perform those kinds of acts with,” Charlotte Sartre, an adult performer and director for Kink.com, tells Them. “At home, I’m absolutely submissive to my current partner, but I’m not being hung by my ankles and electrocuted in my free time.”

How do I set boundaries before getting started? What are safewords?

As always, you should talk with whoever you are going to engage in BDSM with beforehand. Have a chat about your shared desires, your hard boundaries, boundaries you feel like you can push, and ways you would like to communicate during sex. That could include choosing a safeword to say if you need to stop sexual activities, or using something like the traffic light system, where you check in by saying “green” to go ahead, “yellow” to slow down on an act, and “red” to stop sex altogether.

“Safewords are a great way to set boundaries and have an easy way to communicate, especially if you are having difficulty expressing yourself in the moment,” Carly tells Them.

Also, it’s always good to do your research. Goddexx Haru suggests talking to your partner(s) about what you enjoy, what they enjoy, what you want to explore, and any boundaries you may have in regards to specific BDSM acts like bondage or humiliation.

“Set boundaries to make sure no one is ever doing something they don’t want to be doing,” Goddex Haru tells Them. “I’d recommend doing some reading on BDSM or going to classes if you have any dungeons near you, especially if you’re interested in edgeplay, or play that’s a little riskier like knifeplay, erotic asphyxiation, or 24/7 power play.”

While not all people who engage in BDSM are queer and not all queer and trans people engage in BDSM, the two communities have historically overlapped in significant ways. For example, men’s leather bars and communities — which many consider to be under the umbrella of BDSM — became important havens for LGBTQ+ people in the 1940s and beyond. The intertwined nature of kink and LGBTQ+ communities continues to be a debate to this day, as discourse about whether or not kinksters belong at Pride emerges every June like clockwork.

A group of men dressed in leather fetish clothing ride in a truck at the intersection of 32nd Street and Fifth Avenue during the annual Gay Pride parade in New York City, c. 1980.
Let’s celebrate the contributions the kink and BDSM communities have made towards LGBTQ+ liberation.

So the answer is no, not all BDSM is queer. However, because BDSM dynamics are viewed as a non-normative relationship to sex, its roots alongside and within the LGBTQ+ rights movement run deep.

Goddexx Haru recommends reading Ties that Bind by Guy Baldwin M.S. to anyone who wants to learn more about the history of BDSM in the LGBTQ+ community and issues specific to queerness and BDSM.

How do I get started with BDSM play?

Research is always always a great place to start. Figure out what you want out of BDSM, figure out how to express those wants, whether to a partner you already have in mind or to a new person, and see if there are any BDSM classes nearby. It’s incredibly important that you trust whoever you are engaging in BDSM with. Don’t be afraid to wait to explore further until you are comfortable.

“Do what feels natural, don’t be afraid to speak up and ask questions. And there is a wealth of information online, from books to classes,” Sartre recommends. “Attend local events to network with people. Try things with a trusted person but take as much time as you need to develop that trust.”

Figuring out what aspects of BDSM you like and which you would rather avoid is crucial to having a good time and feeling comfortable and safe. An important part of understanding what you like is also tapping into why you want to engage in BDSM in the first place. Like the wide spectrum of sexual acts and dynamics that BDSM encompasses, there are an array of reasons why people engage in them, and figuring out what’s driving you to explore BDSM can help you understand what you hope to get out of it.

“Many of my clients use BDSM as a way to have sex that feels safe after experiencing sexual trauma, as a way to take back control over the situation,” Goddexx Haru says. “I also especially enjoy genderplay — playing around with different gendered labels and expressions during sex can be a really powerful way to explore your gender and sexuality. As a trans person, I find that playing around with the gendered ways I refer to my body and self can feel like a way to take back control and autonomy over my body and the ways that the world tries to label it.”

Ultimately, BDSM can help you tap into another part of your identity, help you be more present during sex, or just have a fun time. Engage with BDSM on your own level. Build up your comfort with other partners, or work with a professional dom(me) or sub if you want someone with more experience. It’s an expansive subculture that allows you the freedom to relate to it however you wish.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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After Roe, teens are teaching themselves sex ed, because the adults won’t

From left: Alyson Nordstrom, Lily Swain, Emma Rose Smith and Paige Buckley, all 17, formed a group called Teens For Reproductive Rights in Tennessee in response to Roe’s fall.

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Sweating in the sun, two dozen teenagers spread themselves across picnic blankets in a grassy park and prepared to discuss the facts of life they never learned in school.

Behind them on a folding table, bouquets of pamphlets offered information teachers at school would never share — on the difference between medical and surgical abortions, and how to get them. Beside the pamphlets sat items adults at school would never give: pregnancy tests and six-packs of My Way Emergency Contraceptive.

Emma Rose Smith, 17, rose from the blankets, tucked her pale-blonde hair behind her ears and turned off the music on a small, black speaker. She faced the assembled high-schoolers, all members of her newfound group, Teens for Reproductive Rights, and began talking about the nonprofit Abortion Care Tennessee. Her words hitched at first, then tumbled in a rush.

“A little bit about them,” Emma Rose said, “is they’re an organization that funds people’s abortions if they can’t afford it. Also, by the way, there’s another organization that we can also talk about later, when we give you guys, like, resources, that actually does free mail-in abortion pills.”

Twelve days after the teens’ picnic, abortion would become illegal in Tennessee, a measure made possible by the Supreme Court’s June decision, in Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization, overturning Roe v. Wade. The students wouldn’t hear anything about it in school: State law does not require sex education, and it holds that schools in areas with high pregnancy rates must offer “family life education” focused on abstinence.

Listen to the Tennessee teens describe their experiences of sex education.

Post-Roe, the teens in the park had decided, this lack of education was no longer acceptable. They are part of a burgeoning movement of high-schoolers nationwide who, after Roe’s fall, are stepping up to demand more comprehensive lessons on reproduction, contraception and abortion — and who, if the adults refuse, are teaching each other instead.

In Utah, high-schoolers rallied outside a courthouse in May to call for accurate education on sex and abortion. In Texas, a group of teens held a virtual protest on the gaming website Minecraft to urge the state to start giving middle-schoolers lessons on birth control. Over the summer, that group — Fort Bend Students United for Reproductive Freedom — began sharing mini-sex-education lessons to its Instagram account for the benefit of peers; recent posts include “Endometrial Ablation,” “Pap smears” and “WHAT IS PCOS?” (polycystic ovary syndrome).

And in Virginia, 15-year-old Rivka Vizcardo-Lichter is organizing demonstrations outside school board meetings to pressure the Fairfax County district to offer students information about reproductive health clinics, more detailed lessons on contraceptive methods other than abstinence (it already includes the basics, but she wants more) — and access to contraception.

“Teenagers are teenagers, and some teenagers are going to have sex,” she said. “They need to be educated on how to protect themselves from unwanted pregnancies and STIs [sexually transmitted infections] and sexual risk — especially if we’re removing the right to … choose whether or not you’re having a baby.”

Twenty-nine states and the District of Columbia require that students receive sex education at school, according to a tracker maintained by the nonprofit Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS). Thirty states demand that schools emphasize the importance of abstinence, and 16 states mandate “abstinence-only” sex education.

What students actually learn in the classroom varies by district and even by teacher, said Laura Lindberg, a public health professor at Rutgers University who has studied sex education in the United States for three decades. But it is often “too little too late,” she said. Her research suggests that less than half of U.S. teens receive instruction on where to get birth control before having sex for the first time, and she noted that the teen birthrate in the United States — 16.7 births per 1,000 females in 2019 — is consistently among the highest in the developed world, though it has been declining in recent years.

In the Tennessee park, Emma Rose scrolled her thumb down her phone screen, squinting at the glare, to read off details of upcoming advocacy: An outdoor concert to raise money for pro-abortion groups. A protest at the Tennessee Capitol on the day the state’s abortion ban takes effect.

Then she shared how she and the group’s three co-founders, Alyson Nordstrom, Lily Swain and Paige Buckley, all 17, see the future.

“We want to start getting groups structured in different parts of Tennessee,” Emma Rose said. Each spin-off chapter would be located at a different high school throughout the state.

Then those teens, too, could start teaching each other.

‘Alone and ignorant’

In some parts of the country, teens teaching teens sex ed is not a new idea.

That includes Park City, Utah, where Carly McAleer started high school four years ago having received a sex education that “basically amounted to scaring students with really grotesque photos” of sexually transmitted infections. Utah law requires sex education in all schools but prohibits “the advocacy or encouragement of the use of contraceptive methods or devices,” instead mandating that schools “stress the importance of abstinence.”

By sophomore year, Carly, who is now 18 and uses they/them pronouns, began searching for a way to become better informed — and discovered the Planned Parenthood Teen Council program. The initiative, begun in 1989 in Washington state, trains teens to teach other schoolchildren sex education, then partners with willing private schools, school districts or community groups to host peer-led lessons on topics ranging from consent to contraception, depending on state law and school policy. Since its founding, it has expanded to 15 states, and last year 300 teens volunteered on 31 councils, according to Nadya Santiago Schober of Planned Parenthood.

Carly applied, was accepted their junior year, and was soon walking into middle-school classrooms — feeling more than a bit nervous — to lead classes on STIs and healthy relationships. Carly found that most students, starved for information, were intensely curious.

And Carly came to love moments that demonstrated the difference they were making — for example when they asked students what kind of lubricant is okay to use with condoms, “the room went silent, and so I told them a silicone-based or water-based lubricant.”

The end of Roe appears to have driven more interest in the Teen Council program, which is poised to expand, Santiago Schober said: “We are seeing an increase in the size of our groups for the year ahead.” In Utah, said L-E Baldwin, a community health educator with that state’s Planned Parenthood chapter, “we have had interest from rural parts of the state in ways we have not previously.”

Lindberg, the Rutgers professor, said the upsurge in young people advocating for comprehensive sex education is admirable, if unsurprising in a generation known for its activism on climate change, gun control and reading freedom. She cautioned that it is important would-be student-teachers pick out correct information from the plethora of misinformation available online.

“Young people can now access information in places that a generation ago weren’t an option, whether that’s a YouTube video or a Tik Tok or something on Instagram,” she said. “But they have to be careful.”

And, she warned, anyone pushing for more sex education will face stiff opposition from mostly conservative parents and lawmakers who argue that it is inappropriate and will lead students to become promiscuous — despite a large body of research that shows providing sexual health information and services to students is not linked with increased sexual activity, and the fact that a majority of American adults across political lines support sex education in schools.

Since the 1980s, when sex education became widespread in America as a means to fight HIV infection, conservatives and the religious right have steadily chipped away at the availability of sex ed nationwide, Lindberg said. And they’re especially fired up now, post-Roe and amid raging education culture wars that have delivered new laws restricting what teachers can say about race, racism, sexuality, gender identity and LGBTQ issues. As Charles Herbster, an unsuccessful gubernatorial candidate in Nebraska, put it at a rally alongside former president Donald Trump in May: “We’re going to take sex education out of the schools and put it back in the homes where it belongs.” (Herbster did not answer requests for comment

An ascendant parents’ rights movement is also working to limit what students learn in school about sex — partly through measures that increase parental control over students’ in-class reading choices and outlaw sexually explicit texts. Tiffany Justice, co-founder of the national parent group Moms for Liberty, said in an interview that “comprehensive sex ed has no place in school.” She said school districts everywhere should convene groups of parents to determine what is “age appropriate” for children to learn.

She had a message for students advocating around sex ed: “The teenagers are being pushed by activist organizations, whose purpose is making children politically literate rather than actually literate so they can become social justice warriors. That’s what the union is trying to do,” she said, referring to teachers organizations, which Justice said are pushing communist doctrine on America’s children.

In Virginia, Republican Gov. Glenn Youngkin — who won his office by campaigning on education issues — this spring signed a law that requires school districts to notify parents whenever sexually explicit material is included in lessons, and to offer students non-explicit alternatives if parents request them.

Rivka, the Fairfax County teen, believes this law imperils students’ access to sex education. She is all the more determined to persuade her school district to expand its sex-ed curriculum by teaching about more contraceptive options and reproductive health clinics, as well as offering students free contraception. Her sex-ed experience was “abstinence 100” percent of the time, she said.

Fairfax sex ed comprises “an abstinence-based … curriculum, meaning that both abstinence and contraception are included in instruction,” district spokeswoman Julie Moult said in a statement. “Contraception is included in instruction in grades 8-12,” she added, pointing to teachings about “barrier, hormonal, and surgical contraceptive methods,” including condoms. Parents can remove their children from the program if they wish.

Moult said the district mentions Planned Parenthood as a resource for “students experiencing unintended pregnancy” in 10th grade. But she said “inclusion of reproductive health clinics could be considered” by school officials in the future.

Moult previously told The Washington Post that giving students access to contraception would be “outside the scope and purpose” of sex ed. The Fairfax County School Board this spring voted to delay a series of proposed changes that would have expanded the topics covered in sex ed and ended gender segregation in some classes, an idea Rivka supports.

“We have millions of men who don’t know how a period works,” Rivka said, recalling conversations with male friends who were clueless about things like tampons and pads. “Teens are just going out into these waters alone and ignorant.”

Teens wonder: Could we do better?

In Tennessee, Alyson Nordstrom had never so much as joined a march when Roe came under threat

But on May 3, feeling the angriest she had ever been, she tapped out an Instagram message to Emma Rose Smith, who had helped organize a 10,000-strong protest after the killing of George Floyd: “I don’t know if you saw the leaking of the Roe v Wade draft opinion from the Supreme Court but me and some of my friends [are] wanting to put together something in protest of that … I was wondering if you wanted to work together.”

Emma Rose responded: “I would love too!”

The girls each brought in their friends, Lily Swain and Paige Buckley, and Teens for Reproductive Rights was born — although they didn’t finalize the name until a coffee-shop confab, when they also created an Instagram profile. Their first event was a May 7 march in Nashville Public Square Park for abortion rights; their second, a music concert in late July that raised $5,000 for Abortion Care Tennessee.

At that point, the girls started to rethink what they might accomplish. The foursome had initially thought the group was “a one-time thing,” Lily said, “but then we started hanging out and getting to know each other.” Soon, their minds turned to sex education.

Alyson, who wants to become a lawyer, recalled the lessons she sat through: “It was just, like, ‘Don’t have sex,’ [and] the guys goofed off the whole time.” Emma Rose, who wants to major in English and political science, had similar memories: “In fifth grade, they just said your boobs might grow and you might get your period. … In ninth-grade, they showed pictures of STDs [and] said this is what you’re going to get if you have sex.” Paige remembered the teacher letting the boys go to the playground while the girls learned about periods. And Lily, an Irish history buff, said what stuck out most was that her sex-ed teachers clearly didn’t want to answer any questions.

That fits with Tennessee law, where sex education cannot include instruction that encourages students to engage in “non-abstinent behavior,” and teachers could face a $500 fine if they fail to comply.

The four teens began to wonder: Could we do better?

The two-hour picnic on a superhot Saturday afternoon this month attended by about 30 students — mostly girls but a handful of boys, too — was a trial run. The girls spoke briefly about issues they want to cover more later, including the implications of new state antiabortion laws. But a lot of the conversation was loose, just teens talking.

“It’s like you’re going back in time,” one girl said of Roe’s end.

“I think my concern is bringing more kids into this world,” said another. “The foster-care system is terrible.”

A boy recounted a recent chat with his devoutly Christian mother and shared advice for approaching antiabortion family members: “It can be scary. But it’s definitely worth talking with people about.”

Much of the afternoon had the vibe of a hangout, with boxes of pizza and gentle music. The teens played games of Ninja and Zap. A boy who rode up on a bike, training for his high school cycling team, offered to wear a Teens for Reproductive Rights sticker on his racing helmet.

As the clock inched to 5 p.m., Alyson sought everyone’s attention one more time. She had homework to assign.

“There’s a documentary on Netflix,” she said, raising her voice. “It’s called ‘Reversing Roe.’ It talks about, literally from early 1900s to recent — I think it came out right before the actual reversing.” She added that the film traces how abortion “became politicized, which it wasn’t originally at all.”

Teens sprawled on blankets bent their heads over phones and pamphlets to take down the name.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 Myths About Sex You Should Stop Believing

(Including Why You Shouldn’t Read Too Much into Shoe Size)

By Sarah Stiefvater

We’ve been through a lot together, from buying houses and choosing foundations to cooking dinner. We’re friends, right? Right, which is why we feel comfortable bringing up sex—specifically, these six sex myths that you might believe but definitely shouldn’t. (Including why you shouldn’t read into a guy’s shoe size and how, no, those oysters at happy hour probably won’t get you in the mood).

1. Myth: Foot Size Corresponds to Penis Size

The truth: Sorry folks, there’s no way to tell how big a penis will be based on foot size (or hand size or ear size or any other physical indicator that isn’t the actual penis). During a 2002 study by the Department of Urology and St. Mary’s Hospital in London, two urologists measured the stretched penile length of 104 men and related this to their shoe size. The two ultimately found that, “There was no statistically significant correlation between shoe size and stretched penile length.”

2. Myth: Men Think About Sex Every Seven Seconds

The truth: Fortunately for everyone, this one’s very false. If men thought about sex every seven seconds, that would mean about 8,000 times per day. In reality, according to The Kinsey Institute, 54 percent of men said they think about sex several times per day and 43 percent said it was a few times per week.

3. Myth: Women Are Naturally Less Interested in Sex

The truth: Though women might actively think about sex less often than do men (the above Kinsey study found that 19 percent of women think about sex multiple times a day and 63 percent think about it a few times per week), that doesn’t mean women wantsex any less. Speaking to WebMD, Sarah Hunter Murray, PhD, a marriage and family therapist and the author of Not Always in the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex, and Relationships, said, “Not only is the idea that men have higher sex drives an oversimplified notion, but it’s really just not true.”

4. Myth: You Can’t Get Pregnant If You’re Already Pregnant

The truth: Well, this is terrifying. Superfetation is an extremely rare (like, almost impossible) but real phenomena that occurs when a pregnant woman continues ovulating, and a second fertilized egg is able to implant itself in the lining of the womb. But seriously, when we say it’s rare, we mean it’s rare: Per the ClinMed International Library, a repository and an open access publisher for medical research, there have been only ten reported cases of superfetation. Phew.

5. Myth: Eating Oysters Will Get You in the Mood

The truth: Before you whip out the bivalves (and chocolate and hot peppers), know that there’s not a ton of science behind the aphrodisiac powers of food. Though there have been animal-focused studies (like this one published in the Journal of Reproductive Science that found that the zinc in oysters raised testosterone levels and improved sexual competence in male rats), more human research is necessary to prove the link between one of our favorite summer snacks and our sex drive.

6. Myth: Sex Is Good Exercise

The truth: Sure, you burn a few calories while getting busy, but it’s a workout you’re after, you shouldn’t substitute sex for a trip to the gym. A study by researchers at the University of Quebec at Montreal looked at 21 heterosexual couples in their early 20s and found that women burned an average 69 calories per 30 minutes of sex (versus 213 calories during 30 minutes of light running), and men burned an average of 101 calories per 30 minutes of sex (versus 276 calories during 30 minutes of light running).

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I watched the first episode of reality series ‘Good Sex,’ and seeing men ask for sex help was really hot

On the television series “Good Sex,” couples agree to put cameras in their bedrooms during sex and talk about the footage with a coach after.

By Julia Naftulin

  • The new discovery+ series “Good Sex” has couples put cameras in their bedrooms. A sex coach uses the footage to help improve their intimacy.
  • In the first episode, men reveal their sexual issues, like erectile dysfunction and overall inexperience.
  • The show is a reminder that sex should be a safe space to explore desire and pleasure.

On the new television series “Good Sex,” couples willingly plant video cameras in their bedrooms while they have sex, then fork the tapes over to a sex coach for help.

Caitlin V. Neal, the show’s resident sex coach, has spent more than 10 years helping men with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and pleasuring women.

Minutes into the first episode, a 48-year-old man named Ben admits he has trouble getting out of his head during sex with his partner Annie, which has led to erectile dysfunction. When Neal later examines video footage of their lovemaking, she finds out Annie’s dog is in the room while they’re getting it on, which interferes with Ben’s ability to focus. In the same episode, a man in his 20s reveals he’s never had sex, and wants to learn how to please a woman before he does, so Neal walks him through different pleasure points by caressing an anatomical model of female genitals.

As Insider’s sex and relationships reporter and advice columnist, I constantly read questions from women who want to save their sex and love lives. So it was refreshing to watch men get candid about their sexual concerns, like when Ben said a disconnect between his brain and body was likely the reason for his “limp dick.”

To me, “Good Sex” is a reminder that sex can be awkward and fulfilling all at once. Like the willingness to ask for help, good sex requires self-awareness, self-love, and feeling safe enough to show you’re still figuring it out.

“Good Sex” takes a raw approach by showing couples in the midst of their sexual mistakes, not just how they resolve them.

A 48-year-old named Ben opened up about difficulty achieving orgasm during sex

Ben said he’s only been with three women in his life, including his current partner of two years, Annie. They said they were both previously married to their college sweethearts.

“As great as our sex is, I’m not able stay hard, or even get hard, sometimes,” Ben told the camera during the first episode. He said current erectile dysfunction issues have made sex feel disheartening and distressing, especially coming from a previous marriage where he wasn’t having a lot of sex.

During their first session with Neal, Ben said erectile dysfunction medication hasn’t helped, and he wants to orgasm during sex with Annie.

According to Neal, the pursuit of good sex challenges people, especially men, to be more emotionally open.

“Sex is an inherently vulnerable act. And so if you’re looking to improve your sex life and you’re serious in your commitment to improving your intimacy, vulnerability is a requirement to getting the results that they want,” Neal said.

According to Neal, the showrunners’ idea to use cameras along with sex coaching made for “exponentially faster transformations, growth, and impact” because she could see what was actually happening, not just hear it from the couple’s blurry recollections.

“Imagine trying to explain, step by step, what happened the last time you had sex with your partner. Especially if you don’t have something to compare it to, it’s really difficult for someone to articulate what actually happened,” Neal, who also has a YouTube channel dedicated to sex advice, told Insider.

Healthy sex and relationships require work

The show offers snippets of each couples’ sex-coaching sessions and the bedroom homework Neal assigns them, but there’s a lot more work going on between scenes, she told Insider.

Each coaching session is between 90 minutes and two hours. It also takes time for a couple to unlearn the sex routines they’ve grown accustomed to over the past five to 30 years, Neal said.

When viewers watch “Good Sex,” Neal hopes they walk away with the realization that a fulfilling sex life requires commitment and help.

“We have no problem hiring career coaches, mechanics, people to install things in our homes. But for some reason, we have the story that sex is something we have to deal with privately, without any help. By putting cameras inside of those closed bedroom doors, we’re able to see this isn’t something you have to deal with in isolation. It’s not something that should be a source of shame,” Neal said.

A dedication to honesty and emotional openness in the name of self-improvement? Now that’s hot.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Everything to know before your first sex party

From queer raves to hedonistic mansion parties, these kinky, XXX-rated events aren’t as intimidating as you might think. Pull on your fishnets, it’s time to dive in.

By Beth Ashley

You’ve seen polaroids from the leather-heavy Crossbreed party pre-drinks all over Instagram and hovered one too many times over ​“buy ticket” on the Killing Kittens website. Maybe you’re finally thinking, ​“That’s it, I’m going to go to a sex party!” I don’t blame you. Whenever I see a group of girls in fetish gear, snapping their ​‘fits before heading off to a sex party or a fetish rave on my feed, I think two things: could I get a pair of those giant, tight latex boots onto my legs? And why haven’t any of my mates invited me to a sex party? Rude.

If you’ve never been to a sex party and, unlike me, your social media feeds aren’t packed with pics of different parties every other day, you might have a weird perception of them. Before I got to know more about these sexy gatherings, Eyes Wide Shut had put a terrifying vision of what they would be like in my head, which mainly consisted of mystery (in a non-sexy way), creepy animal masks and rituals. That, or a sordid pile-on, an 18-man orgy where double penetration is considered first base. Even when I moved away from these wild ideas, I still presumed sex parties to be a place where I’d be surrounded by people better at sex than I am. Would everyone be over-qualified and confident, while I sit in the corner wondering how I can leave discreetly?

Thankfully, sex parties are not like that in real life. In fact, they tend to be suprisingly wholesome spaces, full of lovely sex positive people who are all about keeping themselves and others safe, comfortable and liberated, while different kinds of play are explored.

There are, however, some things you should keep in mind before you buy your ticket and a pair of 10-inch heels. With some help from three avid sex party goers, here’s everything you need to know before you make your sex party debut.

Choose the right party for you

The world of sex parties is constantly growing, with events catering to both broad interests (like, er, sex) and niche interests (like banging while dressed up as animals). This can seem intimidating at first and, as regular sex party attendee and owner of sex shop Self & More, Poppy Moore, tells THE FACE, ​“sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right party for you. But this unknown territory and exploration is part of the fun!”

Her first bit of advice? Work out what your main desire is before party-picking. Is it important to you that the party is predominantly queer, or do you want something that caters specifically to heterosexual couples? Do you want to go somewhere super bougie? Are you interested in being a voyeur (watching other people play) or exploring group sex? Or is there a specific kink or fantasy that you want to see fulfilled?

These are all questions that will help guide your research. Try to find the features you’re looking for on the ​“about” pages of party websites and narrow down your search. Whatever you’re after, there’s probably an event that covers it. There are parties where you can slather yourselves in oil and roll around with a mass of naked bodies (Liquid Love); ones for bicurious women who want to explore sex with other women for the first time (Skirt Club); queer raves (Crossbreed); parties with exciting BDSM equipment and immersive soundscapes (Klub Verboten); ones with elaborate dress codes that centre sensuality over sex (Pinky Promise); hedonistic mansion parties (Fever or Killing Kittens), and good ol’ fashioned sex and swingers clubs (Le Boudoir).

“Consider what you want to get out of the evening, do your research, and go with an open mind,” says Moore. ​“Once you start to make friends within the sex party scene, you’ll discover parties through word of mouth. Until then, Google is your friend. You can often read reviews of parties on the various sex blogs which cover these topics.”

Making friends

Some parties also put on more affordable demo nights where you can basically ​“sample” them, which makes it easier to choose the right party for you. Some sex party providers (like Crossbreed) even throw free social nights, where you can get to know people outside of the full-frontal environment. These are great opportunities to make connections with members of the sex party community without jumping in at the deep end. And that means, when you do eventually attend one, you should recognise some friendly faces. Check your party of interest’s website for upcoming events like these

Preparing beforehand

There’s a bit more to think about before heading to a sex party than your typical night out. A frequent sex party-goer, 29-year-old Amy* recommends having a good, in-depth read of ​“any and all information that the hosts publish about the party. This will give you an idea of what to expect, and what the dress code is if there is one.” This info should also include what safety precautions will be offered by the providers.

If there is a dress code as part of your chosen party, it’ll be pretty strict for an important reason. For example, some parties only allow underwear and fetish gear (don’t worry, you can wear acoat on the bus on the way), because people attending might only feel comfortable socialising and dancing almost naked if everybody else is. It might sound odd, but sex party dress codes are about keeping people safe and feeling like they’re part of a strong community. Don’t go off base with that one.

A lot of sex party hosts provide condoms, dental dams and lube (this is a sign of a good organiser), but you should still pack your own. Amy adds that ​“towels or waterproof blankets” are also useful to pack, particularly if you plan on engaging in wet play, massages or wax play. You should also bring your own toys and cleaning equipment, if you want to use them. Want a moment away from all the kinky stuff? ​“Bring a robe or dressing gown when you want to have a little break.”

Brush up on sexualities and pronouns

If you head to a sex party, whether you go to a queer-specific one or not, its likely you’ll be amongst a lot of LGBTQ+ people. So, if you’re not already familiar, it’s time to whip out a book (or Google) to familiarise yourself with pronouns, gender identities and sexualities, so you understand what people’s different backgrounds are and what they might be looking for at a sex party. Make sure you ask new people you meet for their pronouns to avoid any upset and leave your assumptions at home. People go to sex parties for many different reasons and have all kinds of desires, fantasies and boundaries. Do your research, ask questions and keep an open mind.

Don’t expect a shag

I know, I know. It seems a bit odd to go to a sex party and not actually end up banging anyone. Why else would you go to a literal party for sex? But this thought process is a common mistake. Much like when you go out on the lash with expectations of pulling and end up going home empty-handed, feeling a little ashamed, going to a sex party expecting to have sex is a fast route to disappointment.
Amy says the best advice she was ever given about sex parties is ​“don’t go with expectations of a specific act happening.” So before you head out, make sure you’re thinking realistically. ​“I usually go with the expectation of no sex or play and then you’re not disappointed,” she says.

It’s also completely fine to go to a sex party without any intention of having sex. 27-year-old Ellie* tells THE FACE that her and her partner frequently go to sex parties ​“just to get out of the house and meet sex-positive people like us.

​“We’re monogamous and not interested in playing with other people, but we love being in a queer, sex positive scene so we go to Crossbreed all the time. We always end up going home and shagging because we’re so turned on from watching everyone else writhing, but it’s not about playing in the club for us,” she explains.

Poppy also adds that ​“you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Your attendance at a sex party does not equal your consent – and the same goes for the other guests, too. It’s OK to go along and simply soak in the atmosphere, or to play only with your existing partner.”

But if you do get some…

If you do have sex at your first party (lucky you!), then make sure you use a condom and pop one on any toys you might use before putting them anywhere near your genitals.

When it comes to the proper kinky stuff (including activities like impact play or restraint), Poppy recommends only having sex with people you have an established connection with, due to the increased risks that come with power dynamics. It’s always better to explore those kinky avenues with someone you have at least a little bit of personal trust in.

But If you do end up banging someone new – no judgement here – make sure you have a conversation about your desires and limits, and establish a handy safe word. This will make it easy for you to communicate if things become too much as you play together.<

Poppy adds that ​“aside from chatting about the kind of stimulation and dynamics that you enjoy, some useful questions for the receiver are ​‘How will I know when you’re enjoying the play?’ and ​‘How will I know when you’re nearing your limit or something is too much for you?’”.

And while the non-monogamous and kink communities are usually pretty hot on using protection and practising safe sex – because, you know, they’re exploring sexual contact with more than one person – there will always be exceptions and mistakes can happen.

As Poppy says, ​“It’s your own responsibility to make considered choices and keep play as safe as possible. You can do this by staying aware of your surroundings by avoiding getting drunk or high, carrying appropriate protection with you, engaging in play with people you trust and asserting your boundaries around protection with every new partner.”

She adds, ​“It’s easy to get caught up in the moment in an orgy or big-bed setting, but you are always within your rights to tell someone no or to ensure someone is using protection.”

Proper preparation avoids piss poor practice, so it’s good to get as much knowledge into your noggin as possible before pulling your fishnets on and popping down to your local sex rave. But nothing teaches quite as well as experience. Bite the bullet, pick a party or a social and go. Oh, and don’t forget to keep a good few condoms in your pocket.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Early sexual experiences could lead to healthier sex later in life

In her research, Diana Peragine encountered study after study that suggested an early sexual debut poses a risk to sexual health and sets the stage for a long list of negative outcomes, from unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections to sexual exploitation and abuse.

“Research has traditionally cast first sexual intercourse as a young person’s sexual debut and focused on the public health concerns that it raises – documenting its onset, its causes, and its consequences as a problem behaviour not unlike adolescent drinking and drug use,” says Peragine, a doctoral candidate in psychology at the University of Toronto Mississauga.

“As a result, there’s this long body of evidence linking an earlier sexual debut to adverse sexual health outcomes.”

But Peragine wondered if the earlier studies painted a complete picture.

So, she teamed up with her colleagues and looked at the idea of sexual debut in a broader sense. That includes other important firsts beyond intercourse – such as first sexual contact, first sexual stimulation and first orgasm.

The researchers also looked at the impact these experiences had on future sexual functioning, which had rarely been covered in previous research.

They discovered that people who have these first sexual experiences earlier are more likely to have better sexual functioning later in adulthood, and those who delay these experiences are more likely to face sexual difficulties down the road.

Peragine, along with fellow U of T researchers Malvina Skorska, Jessica Maxwell and Professor Emily Impett and Associate Professor Doug VanderLaan, detailed their findings in the study “The Risks and Benefits of Being ‘Early to Bed’: Toward a Broader Understanding of Age at Sexual Debut and Sexual Health in Adulthood” in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

The researchers surveyed 3,139 adults to learn when they had sexual intercourse, sexual contact, sexual stimulation and an orgasm for the first time. Participants were also asked about their sexual history in the previous four weeks – specifically, if they had any difficulties with orgasms, desire, arousal and sexual satisfaction.

“Those with an earlier sexual debut had fewer sexual difficulties in many of these domains, and therefore healthier sexual function,” Peragine says.

She adds that it’s tricky to say exactly when an early sexual debut has occurred because “early” has been defined in many ways including before marriage, before the age of consent, before adolescence and even before the development of sexual readiness – and there’s still no consensus on its definition today.

“All these different markers have been used to define an earlier sexual debut, but none of them have really been universally agreed upon,” she says, adding that the average age for sexual intercourse among the study’s participants was 17.

The study also found that 93 per cent of participants indicated they had already had some sexual experience before engaging in intercourse, including previous sexual contact, orgasm and sexual stimulation.

Peragine says capturing sexual experiences beyond intercourse was important because adolescence is a time of sexual discovery and experimentation, and intercourse rarely marks the onset of sexual activity for young people. In fact, she says research suggests that other sexual debuts are becoming more common with each passing generation.

She adds that healthy sexual function is critical to sexual health and should be counted among the potential health outcomes of an early sexual debut.

“Heathy sexual function is a prerequisite for healthy sex, which should be pleasurable in addition to being safe and consensual,” she says. “It is also a growing priority when defining and managing sexual health. It includes an absence of difficulties with desire, arousal and orgasm, as well an absence of pain during sex and satisfaction with sexual activity.”

Peragine says the team also found that earlier exposures to some experiences, such as orgasm, seemed to bolster sexual interest and excitability. However, women tended to have these experiences years after men did – and their delay may be reflected in women’s higher rates of sexual desire and arousal disorders compared to men.

Peragine hopes the study will shed new light on early sexual experiences and the positive health impacts these events have later in life. She also hopes this research could better inform sexual education – particularly abstinence-only education.

“Abstinence-only education … stresses that no sexuality is healthy sexuality for adolescents,” she says. “Our findings not only contradict this view, but (indicate) that efforts to delay sexual activity may carry a risk themselves.

Peragine adds that abstinence-only education “might even be detrimental to young people’s sexual health in the long run – at least with respect to the capacity for functional and healthy sex.”

The research was supported by the Natural Sciences and Engineering Research Council of Canada, the Canadian Institutes of Health Research and the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I’m a BDSM submissive

— Here’s what my sex life is really like

A woman reveals the reality of being a submissive

By

When it comes to sex in the 21st century, many of us have left the shame and stigma behind (thank goodness) to enjoy a healthy, safe sex life without judgement.

In fact, research has shown that a growing number of us are enjoying spicier sessions between the sheets, with even those not particularly into kink experimenting more with BDSM.

According to findings conducted last year, 84% of the 2,381 adults surveyed said they had tried BDSM – aka Bondage, Domination, Sadism, Masochism. The report also found that those who enjoy kinky play claimed to have significantly better sex lives than those who don’t.

For the true newbies among us, many relationships under the broad umbrella of BDSM are characterised by complementary and entirely consensual roles that people inhabit, such as the dominant partner, known as the ‘dom’ and  the submissive, or ‘sub’.

But what is life (and sex) like for a woman who is firmly entrenched in the BDSM community as a submissive? Well, according to one sub called Monieau, it’s far from what misconceptions and stereotypes would lead outsiders to believe.

‘Many people believe female submissives are brain-washed and unintelligent or just following the social normative ideas around men and women,’ Monieau explains on Metro.co.uk’s no-holds-barred sex podcast, Smut Drop. ‘But that is such a broad generalisation. There are plenty of confident, competent submissives who work in numerous high-powered, demanding roles, who just want to be submissive in the bedroom.’

In its most basic form, being a submissive means yielding to the dominant’s whims.

‘Having a submissive kink as a part of a BDSM sexual encounter, is where the “submissive” participant is willingly obedient and gives the control and power to the “dominant” participant,’ explains Tracey Coates, sexual wellness expert for sex toy site Ricky.com. ‘Being the submissive partner means that you find pleasure from activities such as being disciplined, punished, or spanked.

‘BDSM can take place in and out of bed, as some fantasy role plays can involve no physical sex at all.’

However, there is no one ‘right’ way to be submissive, as Monieau explains that each sub will have their own preferred style of dominance they like to be on the receiving end of.

‘I like someone who is self-assured and can command a presence,’ she says. ‘I like someone with a dark side. Not a dark side as in, their personality shows red flags, but someone who can do some nasty, amazing things to me.’

Monieau’s path which lead to her foray into the world of BDSM is an unusual one, as she grew up in the Mormon community, whom stress their strict law of chastity – consisting of abstaining from sex outside of marriage, and shunning inter-marital affairs or homosexual relationships.

‘I grew up thinking sex was shameful,’ Monieau adds. ‘I didn’t even know what masturbation really was, but I knew it was bad.

‘As I grew older, I came to terms with conventional ideas of male and female roles. I became a full-on feminist. It’s like I did a 180, which ended up being a 360.

‘In a way, I kink-ified my past trauma about sex and leaned into it.’

‘I like to be submissive as it grounds me,’ Monieau continues. ‘Because of my past feelings of shame and guilt around sex, I find freedom in submission, as it’s someone doing those things to me. It allows me to feel sexual pleasure much more easily than if I was to do it myself.’

However, Monieau is used to people not quite understanding what it means to be a submissive, particularly on a superficial level, a lot of what it consists over seems to be at odds with feminist principles.

‘Both men and women can be a sub, it’s entirely dependent on their personal preference,’ Coates explains. ‘Yes of course, just because you choose to be a sub, doesn’t mean that it has to impact the rest of your life and views in and out of the bedroom, and it certainly doesn’t mean that you’re not a feminist.

‘You can also argue that being the submissive actually gives you more control as you are giving the dominant partner full permission and the submissive chooses to enact their femininity.’

In order to give a greater understanding to people curious about what being submissive really entails, Monieau is now choosing to share her experiences both on social media and dating apps.

‘When I was first on apps, I had to sift through a lot of manure,’ she explains.

‘I put that I was submissive in my dating profile, as I was just sick of the small talk – I don’t care about small talk, so I explicitly stated what I wanted in a whole list.

‘So around one third of my inbox just took the p**s, and another third of guys were just gross, saying things like: “Hey babycakes.”

‘Another third were genuinely curious so we talked through what being a sub meant to me. Some people found it really educating. It actually made me feel better about men, less afraid of engaging with them.’

Of course, if you’re new to the world of being a submissive, it’s not as easy as going on Tinder to find the right match, says Coates.

‘You want to be able to trust [your dom] and know that you want the same things,’ she advises. ‘Choosing to do this online is the easiest way, as there are hundreds of sites available to everyone. When doing this, you want to make sure that your online profile speaks for you and not against you. Ensuring that you don’t give out too much personal information is also key to finding the best dom, you want to be advertising what you are expecting out of the relationship and avoid those whose first message to you is about sex.

‘You want to be able to build a foundation of trust and understanding before committing to be their submissive.’

Barbara Santini, psychologist and sex advisor at adult toy site Peachesandscreams.co.uk, agrees that your safety must come first when searching for a dom.

‘BDSM is a vulnerable experience, you may learn a lot about yourself,’ she says. ‘Make sure you want it and you do everything to protect yourself. It is essential you express consent, you negotiate the play scenario, and you and your partner stick to it. When you decide to meet a new dom, discuss your safety first, choose a location wisely (public place and later a well-staffed hotel), never change the agreed plans, inform your friends where you are, with whom so they can check on you. Have a safe word and use condoms.’

In Monieau’s experience, many newer subs, and perhaps even a few more experienced submissives, fall into tropes and stereotypes that may be detrimental to their BDSM relationship.

‘Submissives have to work on themselves first,’ she explains. ‘A lot of subs fall into the trap of wanting a dominant to basically just fix all their problems.

‘Before you get into BDSM, you need to work out what you really want from submission. If you have a sign saying you’re here for the taking, people will take advantage of it.’

For Monieau, she stresses there’s a difference in terms of what she wants in physical sensations and her emotional, core desires.

‘Physically, I want orgasms. I want arousal,’ she says. ‘I want to reach subspace.’

For those not in the know, subspace is what Monieau describes as being a ‘nice bonus’ of being a submissive.

‘Subspace is a different state of consciousness that can happen, usually to the submissive partner during BDSM play,’ Santini says. ‘It results from a mix of hormones like endorphins, cortisol, dopamine, adrenaline, oxytocin which are released during the play, when different emotions experienced.’

Monieau compares it to a runner’s high. ‘I basically become a mushy puppet,’ she laughs. ‘I just start riding with the vibes.’

However, the subspace can often lead to a subdrop – essentially, the depletion of those chemicals.

‘Subdrop can occur straight after play, or even as a delayed reaction by the submissive showing signs of emotional imbalance and sometimes flu-like symptoms,’ Coates explains. ‘This bodily and emotional state can be known to last as long as a week, but everyone experiences it differently and can recover within hours or days. So, taking care of yourself after sub play is very important.’

Feeling emotional, weepy and in need of comfort after reaching subspace, are common for Monieau.

‘I am a well of tears,’ she admits, with a laugh. ‘My dom puts me in a little blanket burrito, and it makes me feel like I’m in my safe little bubble.’

She adds that, for her, being a sub is a far cry from any sort of weak and vulnerable stereotype.

‘I’ve realised submissives have strength, even through their submission,’ explains Monieau. ‘Choosing to submit to someone shows you’re holding that space for them.

‘Sex is good and healthy. It’s good for you. It’s okay to feel sexual pleasure and be a sexual being.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What You Should Know About Postpartum Sex

Having sex after giving birth isn’t only about being medically ready

When a newborn enters your life, your bedroom thoughts are certainly not what they used to be. The bedroom was likely your place of quiet rest, peace and often, where you might have expressed your sexuality. With a newborn, though, many of these things may seem far, far away.

That will change with time. Your body will heal. You’ll become more comfortable with your new role as a parent. Eventually, your thoughts will probably be less, “Let’s get some sleep” and more, “Let’s get physical.”

“Postpartum sex is one of those things people don’t tend to talk about a lot, but we should,” says Ob/Gyn Jacqueline Zuponcic, DO. “There’s a lot happening physically and mentally after having a baby that will affect your sex life.”

We talked with Dr. Zuponcic about what you can expect for your sex life after giving birth.

The difference between medically ready and ‘ready-ready’

For starters, all births are different. All postpartum experiences are different. And all sexual desires — say it with me — are different.

Dr. Zuponcic explains that when your healthcare provider clears you to engage in sex physically, that doesn’t mean you’re necessarily going to be ready-readyfor sex.

“Sexual desire in women and people assigned female at birth (AFAB) is determined by what we call bio-psycho-social triggers,” Dr. Zuponcic says. “For many women, sexual desire is like an unconscious checklist in their heads.”

There are biological things, like our hormones, our physical recovery, our breast tenderness and our fatigue.

There are psychological things, like postpartum depression and baby blues. Not everyone feels their best when they haven’t had time to brush their teeth and have a shower.

There are social things, like what it means for us to be a parent and how we interact with our partners in this new role.

Then, there’s just all the other stuff. Are the socks off the floor? Are the dishes put away? How does one baby generate so much laundry?

In other words, no matter when your provider says you’re physically ready to engage in sex, you may not feel prepared or interested quite yet. That’s natural and should be respected. Listen to your body.

Recommendations regarding when it’s safe to engage in sexual intercourse after giving birth will mostly depend on the circumstances of your delivery. Generally, your provider will likely recommend waiting two to six weeks after your baby is born before getting all hot and heavy.

There are a few reasons to wait.

Your pelvic floor (the muscles that line your vagina and support your bladder) will need some time to rest and recover. Also, following delivery, your cervix takes some time to return to its pre-pregnancy state. Infection can make its way in more easily during this time, too.

“It’s best to keep things out of the vagina for a few weeks. That includes tampons, saliva, penises, fingers and toys,” Dr. Zuponcic says. “Your cervix hasn’t yet shrunk back down. After having a baby, it’s easier for bacteria to get into the uterus and make you very sick.”<

Vaginal delivery

For those who experienced tearing or heavy bruising over their vulva (the outside of your vagina), your provider will likely recommend abstaining from sex for six weeks.

“If you had stitches following your delivery, those sutures need time to dissolve, and the tissue needs time to heal so that it’s strong enough to withstand sexual intercourse,” Dr. Zuponcic explains. “You want to wait for those sutures to be fully dissolved before engaging in any sexual activities, including intercourse and receiving oral sex.”

If you had a tear-free vaginal delivery and no other complications, your provider may say you can resume sexual activity as soon as two weeks after giving birth, if you so choose.

C-section delivery

If you had a Cesarean section (C-section) delivery, your doctor will likely suggest you abstain from sex for at least six weeks. That’s because your incision needs time to heal to avoid complications. Often, too, people who delivered babies via C-section were dilated prior to giving birth. That means your uterus may still be more prone to infection if your cervix (the opening to your uterus) is still open.

What is postpartum sex like?

Your sexual desires and experiences may be different from what you remember for a little while. That’s very normal, too. Dr. Zuponcic recommends taking it slow and practicing open communication with your partner.

“There are things that are going to work, and there are things that may not work,” she says. “Careful, thoughtful intercourse and good communication between you and your partner about what’s working and what’s not, especially the first few times you try, is important to your experience, and probably theirs, too.”

Sex after childbirth may cause some discomfort at first

Pain during sex isn’t OK, but some discomfort during those first few postpartum attempts can be expected. Scar tissue from tears is often less stretchy than the surrounding vaginal tissue. As the scar heals over time, it often organizes and softens. Serial attempts at sex with your partner may help stretch and soften that scar tissue as well. Just remember to communicate with one another through these times.

If you’re breastfeeding, you may leak milk. Consider wearing a bra while having sex. You also may be more prone to vaginal dryness.

“When you’re breastfeeding, your circulating estrogen levels drop, which can make your vaginal tissue very thin, as opposed to that stretchy, lubricated tissue you’re used to,” Dr. Zuponcic explains.

Once you’ve stopped breastfeeding, or after your periods have resumed, that thin dry vaginal tissue tends to improve in the weeks that follow. Many people have tenderness over their vaginal scars that doesn’t go away until this time as well.

If sex is painful or remains uncomfortable after a few tries, talk to your healthcare provider. They should be able to discuss medications and lubrication options that may help. Dr. Zuponcic says some people also benefit from a form of physical therapy that works to strengthen the pelvic floor.

After pregnancy, you may have a lower libido

You’ve been through a lot. You grew a little person and delivered them into the world. And now, you have a newborn who depends on you night and day. It can be exhausting. Sex just may not be on top of your list of things to do right now.

“You have a lot going on caring for a new life,” Dr. Zuponcic says. “You have this new human in your home. You have to navigate a whole new routine. Sex being at the bottom of the list is not unusual. Your desire generally does increase again after some time.”

Further contributing to a lower libido than your pre-pregnancy days could be postpartum blues, also known as “baby blues.” Dr. Zuponcic says 85% of people experience postpartum blues following the birth of a baby. If you have postpartum blues, you may be prone to crying, anxiety and sadness for no apparent reason for a week or two after delivery. Postpartum blues are also likely to lower your sex drive.

Postpartum blues symptoms shouldn’t last long and are relatively mild. More severe and longer-lasting feelings of anxiety and sadness could be postpartum depression, a serious condition. Talk to your provider if you’re experiencing the following symptoms:

  • Alternating highs and lows.
  • Frequent crying, irritability and fatigue.
  • Feelings of guilt.
  • High levels of anxiety.
  • An inability to care for your baby or yourself.

How soon can you get pregnant after giving birth?

The national Office on Women’s Health recommends spacing out pregnancies by at least 12 months. Some doctors recommend closer to 18 months. Dr. Zuponcic says this means waiting at least a year between having one baby and conceiving the next. That’s because your risk of pregnancy complications, including premature birth and postpartum depression, is higher if your pregnancies are closer together than that.

Dr. Zuponcic says women who aren’t breastfeeding will likely ovulate for their first time around 39 days postpartum. You will ovulate beforeyou get your period. So, you can become pregnant after giving birth even if you haven’t had a period yet.

“If you don’t plan on becoming pregnant, having a birth control plan in place from the time you leave the hospital is your best bet,” Dr. Zuponcic says. “If you wait to start contraception until after you begin menstruating again, it may be too late to avoid an unplanned pregnancy.”

If you don’t intend to get pregnant, you’ll need a plan.

Birth control options for postpartum phase

Your options for birth control after having a baby are very similar to your options prior to being pregnant. They include:

  • Birth control pill.
  • Intrauterine device (IUD).
  • Hormonal implant.
  • Condoms.
  • Patches.
  • Vaginal rings.

The estrogen in some contraceptives may affect your milk supply; though, some studies support this and some do not. If you’re breastfeeding, your doctor will likely recommend you use contraception options that don’t include estrogen, such as a progesterone-only pill (aka the “mini-pill”) and specific IUD products.

“Some of the long-term birth control options, like IUDs and implants, can be given before you even leave the hospital after having your baby,” Dr. Zuponcic notes. “There’s a lot of peace of mind to be gained from leaving the hospital knowing you’re already protected from an unplanned pregnancy.”

What about natural family planning?

While not as effective as other forms of birth control, natural family planning, or the rhythm method, appeals to some people who have concerns about side effects of some other birth control methods or whose religious beliefs don’t support other methods.

To practice the rhythm method, you closely analyze your menstrual cycles to determine your fertile days each month. When practiced properly, the rhythm method is about 76% effective in preventing pregnancy. For comparison, Dr. Zuponcic says the hormonal implant Nexplanon®, for example, is 99.95% effective.

If followed precisely, the rhythm method can be effective in avoiding unplanned postpartum pregnancy. She cautions that you’ll need to wait to engage in intercourse until after your periods return to a more regular cycle, though.

“Remember, you can get pregnant before your first period after having a baby,” Dr. Zuponcic reiterates. “So, you’ll need to wait until after your period regulates before you are able to try to predict your fertility windows with any accuracy.”

Does breastfeeding prevent pregnancy?

If you’re breastfeeding, it may take longer to ovulate. Breastfeeding can prevent pregnancy early on, but shouldn’t be counted on exclusively as a contraception method.

“If you are breastfeeding exclusively — around eight times a day, and not feeding the baby any formula — that is fairly good contraception for about two months, three months tops,” Dr. Zuponcic says.

When you’re “ready-ready” to have sex after having your baby is a combination of your physical and mental readiness. Listen to your body and talk about any concerns with your doctor. Sex may not be what you remember right away, but with time and patience, you’ll find a new normal.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is A Masochistic Person?

10 Traits & Behaviors Of A Masochist

By Lissa Rankin, M.D.

A masochistic person is someone who finds gratification through pain, degradation, or self-denial. Masochism is popularly associated with BDSM; a sexual masochist is someone who likes pain as part of sexual activity, which can be a healthy and empowering kink. But there are also less healthy types of masochism that manifest in people’s personal and professional lives. The psychological masochist is someone who looks for ways to torment themselves in their day-to-day.

For how to know if someone is a masochist, here are some common masochistic behaviors, traits, and tendencies.

1. You can’t say no.

The No. 1 sign that someone is a masochist is that they are unable to say no. Saying no is not selfish or unkind—it’s an act of radical self-care. It’s a way to communicate that you’re not able to say yes without inflicting literal or metaphorical pain upon yourself.

If you’re not sure whether to say yes or no, pause and take a breather. Does your inclination to say yes come from a desire to please someone or seek approval? Check your motivations and give yourself permission to be kind to yourself. Remember, “No” is a complete sentence, and it’s possible to say it with infinite compassion and tenderness.

2. You’re very invested in pushing yourself to be “good.”

You’re religious about your morning meditation practice. You try to do yoga every day, even when you’re sick, and if you miss it, you feel awful. You won’t let yourself “cheat” on your diet, even when it’s your birthday. You beat yourself up when you have too much to drink, and gaining five pounds turns you into a self-berating exercise tyrant.

Ease up. While there’s nothing wrong with discipline and good intentions, our quirks, eccentricities, triumphs, and mistakes are what make us so beautifully human.

3. You get off on sacrificing yourself for others.

A masochist sees personal pain and sacrifice as a means to gain validation. Check your motivations any time you’re called on for a favor, especially those that require you to sacrifice a lot of yourself. If you’re driven by feelings of unworthiness that lead you to overcompensate, or by a fear of disappointing someone, go inward. Soothe the part of you that yearns to rescue, and rescue yourself this time instead.

4. You resist receiving blessings when others try to give them to you.

Many people, especially those with the healer archetype, tend to get uncomfortable when too many blessings flow their way. In order to turn this around, you’ll have to practice “bench pressing” your receiving muscles.

Just like biceps, your receiving muscles need exercise. Try giving yourself what psychologist Anne Davin, Ph.D., calls a “beauty bath.” Treat yourself to beauty in all forms—beautiful music, aromatherapy oils, a Rumi poem, fresh flowers, a symphony. Overdo it. Practice drinking in all the beauty instead of resisting it. We all deserve blessings—you do too.

5. You are attracted to narcissists.

Narcissists can be charismatic, compelling, magnetic, and hard to avoid. But if you keep walking straight into that trap over and over, you may very well be a masochist—and an echoist, aka the opposite of a narcissist who’s always falling for them. Break the pattern now, and choose to spare yourself the heartbreak and disappointment you’ll inevitably feel when you keep choosing to be the Echo to someone’s Narcissus.

6. You fail to stand up for yourself.

It’s one thing to be kind, compassionate, and accommodating. It’s a whole other thing to let yourself become a doormat. The latter falls into masochistic territory. Be soft and yielding but also fierce and strong. It’s possible to be multifaceted and embrace all sides of you—and that includes a side that won’t be taken advantage of. It’s a surefire way to turn masochism into self-love and self-respect.

7. You’re hooked on perfectionism.

Many masochistic behaviors actually stem from perfectionism. Life is messy. It’s easy to become overwhelmed by a fear of being perceived as imperfect—a sort of fascism of the soul. Give your soul permission to be imperfect. It needs room to experiment, screw up, learn the hard way, and ultimately rise above it.

8. You judge yourself for negative emotions.

There’s no way to avoid feeling sad, lost, disappointed, scared, or angry sometimes. Spiritual bypassing—masking emotions by shifting your energy or monitoring your thoughts—always comes back to bite you. While it may help you avoid painful emotions in the short term, suppressing yourself is a soul-splintering sort of masochism.

Try to feel what you feel without holding back or judging any emotion as “wrong.” Resist nothing. You’ll be surprised by how quickly most painful emotions pass when you relax into them.

9. You’re magnetized to drama.

Masochists see drama and run right into the heart of it. If you’re a drama junkie, ask yourself why. Doesn’t it hurt? Do you want to keep hurting? Give yourself permission to prioritize the people and situations that cultivate the stillness in you.

10. You run the other way if anything feels too good.

While I’m not suggesting that we should all turn into overindulgent hedonists, the inability to relax into simple pleasures is an obvious sign of masochism. Do you find yourself bored when life flows with ease? Do you have a story that says that everything good in life comes alongside pain? Well, it’s time to rewrite the story. Allow yourself to experience infinite blessings without undue pain.

The bottom line.

Make sure you’re not kicking yourself if some points on this list describe you. Again, it’s OK that you’re not perfect. Just think of this as a time to look inward and work on yourself—most of us have tendencies that result in some form of self-sabotage, and now you’ve identified a few of yours. Now all you need to do is take some proactive steps and show yourself a little love.

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What Is a Wet Dream?

It’s perfectly normal and can happen to both males and females

By Brandon Peters, MD

A wet dream, also known as nocturnal emission, is a spontaneous orgasm during sleep that causes a male to ejaculate (“cum”) and a female to orgasm and secrete vaginal fluids. A wet dream is a perfectly normal occurrence, especially during the teenage years or when an adult has an extended period of sexual abstinence (not having sex).

This article explains what causes wet dreams in males and females. It also describes ways to prevent wet dreams if they have become problematic for whatever reason.

A wet dream causes a spontaneous orgasm while you are asleep. An orgasm is the climax of sexual excitement centered around the genitals of both males and females.

For males, orgasm is accompanied by the propulsive release of semen (ejaculation). With females, there may the release of a clear fluid from the urethra (the tube through which urine normally exits the body) during fluid.

Sometimes, a person may only realize that they’ve had a wet dream when their bed sheets or undergarments are moist with semen or vaginal wetness. At other times, an orgasm during a wet dream can be intense enough to awaken a person.

Wet dreams may occur throughout your lives after puberty. But, they are more common during the teenage years when sex hormones are surging or during periods of prolonged sexual abstinence.1

Nocturnal emissions typically start at age 13 to 14 during the so-called middle adolescent years.2 Around 38% of teenage males experience a wet dream before learning what it even is.3

Causes of Wet Dreams

During sleep, the blood flow to your sexual organs may be increased. For males, this can lead to an erection (“hard-on”). This is the common cause of “morning wood” in which you awaken with an erection, typically without ejaculation but sometimes with preseminal fluid (“pre-cum”).

Nocturnal emissions differ in that orgasm occurs during a wet dream. The underlying cause is unknown but there are several theories. Among them:

  • Erotic dreams: Erotic dreams occurring during REM sleep may lead to orgasm. REM sleep is the stage where you will experience the most intense and vivid dreams.
  • Testosterone surge in teens: Wet dreams are linked to high testosterone levels. Testosterone, the primary sex hormone in males, will surge during the teen years right up until early adulthood.
  • Testosterone build-up: In adult males, a prolonger period of abstinence may cause the buildup of testosterone. Testosterone in males helps fuel libido (sex drive) which, in turn, can lead to a wet dream.
  • Stimulation of the genitals: It is possible that the rubbing of the genitals during sleep (such as with bed sheets or lying on your stomach) can cause unintended sexual stimulation. This might contribute to the likelihood of a wet dream.

The cause of nocturnal emission in females is less clear, in part because female wet dreams are harder to identify due to the lack of ejaculation. Only around 10% of females experience “female ejaculation” in which there is a spurt of clear fluid during orgasm.4

Not all males have wet dreams (or, perhaps, don’t recognize them if there is little ejaculate). With that said, famed sexologist Alfred Kinsey suggested that around 85% of males and females experience nocturnal emission at some point in life.5

These findings are supported in part by a 2020 study from the University of Health Sciences in Istanbul, Turkey in which 83% of Muslim boys reported having wet dreams.6

How to Prevent Wet Dreams

Some people believe there are a few ways to reduce how often wet dreams occur. One way is to have more sex or more frequent masturbation that ends with orgasm and ejaculation. This may relieve the need for males to ejaculate during sleep.

Reducing contact with the genitals might also be helpful. Try sleeping on your side or back instead of your stomach to see if it helps.

In the rare cases that wet dreams are troublesome, a doctor might prescribe a medication such as an antidepressant. These medicines might reduce the frequency of wet dreams, but they might also make it hard to ejaculate when you’re awake.

Summary

Wet dreams are when you ejaculate while sleeping, sometimes as a response to sexual dreams. They mostly happen to teenage boys or people going through periods of abstinence.

Wet dreams can be a healthy and normal part of sleep. Aside from the need to clean up clothing or bedding, there’s no particular problem.

A Word From Verywell

If you’re worried about your sexual function and how it impacts sleep, talk to a board-certified sleep doctor. Depending on the issue, they might consult another specialist, like a urologist or gynecologist.

Reassurance may be all that’s needed, but they may want to do more testing. This might give you peace of mind and better rest.

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How to use Kegels to orgasm harder, boost sensation, and increase lubrication

By Kelly Burch

  • Kegels can benefit your sex life by increasing sensation, lubrication, and the ability to orgasm.
  • They also can help strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, which helps prevent vaginal prolapse.
  • To do kegels, contract and release the muscles you use to stop the flow of urine.

If you’re looking to enhance your sex life, there may be a solution that you can do any time, anywhere: kegel exercise. Kegel exercises engage your pelvic floor muscles. They can keep you healthy and may even make your sex life more fulfilling says sexologist and sexuality educator Lawrence Siegel, who works with couples and individuals to enhance their sex lives.

While doing Kegels won’t make you a better lover, they may make it easier for people with a vagina to orgasm, Siegel says. They may help the 10%-15% of women who have never had an orgasm, and others who find it difficult to orgasm.

And it’s not just people with a vagina who can reap the benefits of Kegels — birth-assigned males can also experience heightened sexual pleasure from strengthening their pelvic floor Siegel says.

Here’s why they are beneficial and how to do them.

The benefits of Kegels for people with a vagina

Kegels have the most benefit for people with a vagina.

1. Make your pelvic floor stronger

“Kegel exercises are a simple and effective way to strengthen those pelvic floor muscles, which support the uterus, bladder, and bowel,” says Dr. Sherry Ross, an OB-GYN and author of “She-ology: The Definitive Guide to Women’s Intimate Health.”

The pelvic floor includes the levator ani, coccygeus, and pubococcygeal (PC) muscle, the ones you use to stop the flow of urine. These muscles act like a hammock or sling supporting the internal organs in the pelvis — but they often weaken with age, especially in people who have given birth vaginally.

Strengthening these muscles can help you avoid:

  • Incontinence, or the inability to hold pee or poop until you make it to the toilet.
  • Pain during sex
  • Vaginal prolapse, a condition where the vagina muscles weaken and sag into the vaginal canal.
  • Pelvic floor dysfunction, or the inability to control your pelvic floor muscles.

2. Increase sensation and lubrication

Kegels can boost blood flow to the pelvis, which increases sensation and lubrication of the vagina. Many people find that increased lubrication increases pleasure for both partners during sex.

In addition, Kegels help prevent pelvic floor dysfunction. Women with pelvic floor dysfunction often have lower sexual satisfaction, fewer orgasms, and lower libido. Researchers can’t say exactly why, but it may be because conditions like prolapse or incontinence make it difficult to get in the mood.

3. Strengthen orgasm for both partners

Learning to activate the pelvic floor muscles allows you to contract them during sex.

Squeezing your pelvic muscles in the buildup to orgasm may help you experience a more powerful sensation when you come, says Ross. During orgasm, muscles throughout the body pulse and release involuntarily. Adding to this with kegels can make the sensation more intense.

It can also boost pleasure for your partner: “When a woman does Kegels during vaginal intercourse, the pelvic floor muscles contract on the penis — enhancing his sexual experience as well,” Ross says.

4. Make pelvic exams less painful

Relaxing the muscles during a Kegel is equally important as contracting. Learning to relax can reduce your risk of pain during sex or painful pelvic exams by letting you open the vagina more fully, says Harris.

Kegel benefits for people with a penis

Keeping the pelvic floor healthy is important for people with a penis too.

Kegels can help with male incontinence. This is especially important for people who have had prostate surgery, who often experience incontinence.

Doing Kegels regularly can also improve sexual experience for people with a penis. This is because Kegels increase blood flow to the groin and penis, which can boost sensation and may help combat erectile dysfunction (ED).

Unfortunately, there’s limited research in this area. A small 2005 study found that men with ED who performed Kegels in addition to making lifestyle changes had fewer ED symptoms than a control group. A small 2020 study suggested that kegels may be helpful for ED when they’re done long term.

“While Kegel exercises are primarily associated with women, many men can get similar benefits from doing them,” Siegel says.

How to get started with doing Kegels

Before you can do Kegels, you need to understand the muscles that you’re trying to activate.

How to find your pelvic floor muscles

The easiest way to find your pelvic floor muscles is to imagine that you’re urinating. From there, try to stop the imaginatory stream by contracting your PC muscles, says Ross. This works for both males and females. Try to tighten those muscles without tightening your legs, abs, or glutes.

People with a vagina can take a more hands-on approach to feeling their pelvic floor muscles, Ross says:

  1. Insert two fingers into your vagina.
  2. Contract your PC muscles, which you would use to stop the flow of urine.
  3. As they contract, feel a light squeeze on your fingers.
  4. Relax fully, and feel the grip on your fingers loosen.

People with a penis can find their pelvic floor muscles by trying to tighten their rectum. It’s the same movement that you might use if you’re trying to hold in a fart.

How to do Kegels

Once you’ve isolated your pelvic floor muscles, the foundation of doing Kegels is the same for all genders.

Here’s how to do them.

1. Empty your bladder. As you become more accustomed to doing Kegels you’ll be able to do them anywhere, anytime, but it’s best not to do them with a full bladder since that can strain your muscles.

2. Contract your PC muscles. Hold for 3-5 seconds when you first start. Build toward the goal of holding for ten seconds.

3. Relax your muscles entirely. Keep them relaxed for the same length of time that you held them tight.

4. Repeat this 10-15 times, three times a day. “The key to Kegels is consistency and regularity, doing them several times a day,” Siegel says.

After you’ve mastered that, try flutter Kegels, Ross says. With this variation, you contract and relax the muscles quickly, rather than holding the contraction. Do this for 30 seconds.

When you’re performing Kegels, keep these tips in mind:

  • Breath normally. Don’t hold your breath.
  • Keep your abs, thighs and butt relaxed. This helps isolate the pelvic floor muscles.
  • Find a regular time to do Kegels each day, like while at stop lights or while brushing your teeth.

Insider’s takeaway

Kegel exercises teach you how to contract and relax your pelvic floor muscles. This helps you build a strong pelvic floor which can help with things like incontinence and sexual satisfaction.

Kegels are convenient because they can be done discreetly anywhere, at any time. Anyone can benefit from them, and they’re safe for everyone. The most challenging part about them is working them into your daily routine consistently.

“There are absolutely no downsides to doing Kegel exercises,” says Ross. “Once you learn how to do them correctly, Kegels should be a permanent part of your daily routine.”

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Now is the time to talk to your teens about birth control.

— Here’s how.

By

The Supreme Court ruling in Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization is likely to affect abortion access in roughly half the states, most of which either don’t mandate sex education or offer sex education that emphasizes abstinence, an approach that, research shows, does not encourage adolescents to delay intercourse or reduce the risks that accompany it.

But parents can and should fill the sex education gap, says Laura Widman, an associate professor of psychology at North Carolina State University.

“The Supreme Court ruling makes it more important than ever that we equip teens with all the tools they need to prevent unintended pregnancies,” said Widman, who researches adolescent sexual health. “In all states, and especially in states that are not providing comprehensive sex education in schools, parents have a critical role to play in discussing pregnancy prevention with their kids.”

She understands parents’ hesitance to talk to their kids on the important yet awkward topics of sex and birth control, however. “Oftentimes that anxiety of, ‘I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I don’t want to screw up my kid permanently’ becomes such a barrier that parents say nothing.”

We talked to Widman and others about how parents who would like their kids to use birth control when they become sexually active can best approach the topic.

Toss out any presuppositions of having “the talk” with your children. Building a relationship of openness and support about all aspects of sexuality means having many age-appropriate discussions with your kids, experts said.

“I think it’s never too early to for a parent to start talking with their kids in developmentally appropriate ways about sexual health and safety,” said Annie Hoopes, a pediatrician and adolescent medicine physician-researcher specializing in sexual and reproductive health care. “So for very young kids, it’s talking about understanding your body and who’s allowed to have access to your body and how to communicate your body’s needs.”

As kids reach puberty, she added, the conversations can get more technical and focus on issues like sexual intimacy and how to reduce the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.

Waiting for the exact right moment to bring up these issues is also a mistake. “There’s never going to be a perfect time or a right time to discuss things related to sex,” Widman said. “So just start. You can use an opportunity when you hear about something in the news, and you just sort of start and keep it short and sweet.”

Not talking to your teens can leave them with the wrong impression about where you stand, said Julie Maslowsky, a developmental psychologist and associate professor of community health sciences at the University of Illinois at Chicago. “In our research, we have seen many instances where a teen assumes their parent is opposed to them using contraception, and the parent is actually supportive but just hasn’t had conversations with their teen about it yet,” she said.

In her research involving parents of pregnant teens, “often what we hear is, ‘I was going to talk with her about birth control or we were going to go to the doctor. It was on my list,’ ” Maslowsky said. “And so I would say, ‘Do it early. Do it way before your concerns that there is an imminent risk of pregnancy or unhealthy consequences of sex.’ ”
It might take time to find a method that the adolescent is comfortable with, which is another reason to start talking early about birth control. “Giving the teen some options to start learning about and asking questions about contraception before the time that they need it can provide a really nice foundation,” Hoopes said.

Know the facts

Teen pregnancy has been trending downward since 1991; in 2021, there were 14.4 births per 1,000 females ages 15 to 19, according to provisional data. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention cites fewer teens having sex and improved usage of birth control as likely reasons for the decline but also points out that the U.S. teen pregnancy rate is among the highest in the developed world.

If your child is in high school, there is a good likelihood they are having sex. According to 2017 research from the Guttmacher Institute, 20 percent of high school freshman had had sexual intercourse, rising to 57 percent of seniors.

Parents often have the misconception that some forms of birth control are restricted by age, but Hoopes said that as long as an adolescent has had their period and is otherwise healthy, “all methods are available except sterilization, which is getting your tubes tied.” The choices basically boil down to three types, from least to most effective: barrier methods such as condoms and diaphragms; short-acting methods such as the birth control pill, vaginal ring, and skin patches or injections; and long-acting reversible contraception (LARC), such as an IUD or implant.

Many teens, however, are not using the most effective methods of birth control. According to the CDC, data collected from 2015 to 2017 about birth control methods used by sexually active females ages 15 to 19 found that 97 percent had used condoms, 65 percent had used withdrawal and 53 percent had used pills. Nineteen percent had used emergency contraception.

Many teens also are not aware of LARC options, which are expensive. But public health experts are trying to change that. A Colorado initiative to improve access to these options cut teen pregnancy and abortion rates nearly in half.

Make your support clear

>When you do talk to your kids, the main goal should be to convey that they can contact you whatever situation they are in. Hoopes suggested making the conversation “about health and safety, not about values and judgment.” A parent could say something like, “’What I want for you is to for you to achieve your personal goals, for you to complete your education or live your best adult life. And part of that is avoiding pregnancy before you’re ready for one. And I want to be a part of that conversation with you.’”

Widman suggests avoiding yes/no questions, such as “Are you being safe?” Instead, you could ask more open-ended questions, such as, “What have you heard about birth control?” or “What are you friends saying about sexual activity?”

And if you’re wondering how important your involvement is, Hoopes said research indicates that teens are more likely to access contraception and use it more consistently if they feel connected to their families.

Don’t forget your sons

Experts say you should have similar conversations about birth control options with boys as you do with girls. “Both male-identifying and female-identifying adolescents should understand biology and sex and healthy relationships and supportive relationships,” Maslowsky said. “And so, I would not have the conversations very differently. If my teen was capable of pregnancy, then I would talk with them about how to prevent pregnancy in their own body. If my teen was capable of making someone pregnant, then I would talk with them about how they can prevent that.”

Currently, the only male contraceptive option is the condom. While condoms are 98 percent effective with “perfect use” (consistently and correctly), the rate falls to 82 percent with “typical use” (what usually happens in real life). “To use a condom in a way that optimizes the effectiveness does require some education,” Hoopes said. If your teen is not receiving that education through school, you can talk to their pediatrician.

Beyond condoms, which teens of any gender should be using to prevent sexually transmitted infections, boys should understand and be involved in decisions about other forms of contraception, and support their partners, the experts said.

“I would say that pregnancy prevention is everyone’s responsibility and that I think, unfortunately, boys get left out of that conversation, not by their own fault,” Hoopes said.

Help your child consider their options

All birth control options have positives and negatives, and most come with potential side effects. “The best, most supportive thing a parent can do is provide information and provide support and help the adolescent make the decision that’s right for them,” Maslowsky said.

Health-care providers are ready to help. “We use a model called shared decision-making in contraception care,” Hoopes said, “where the patient or the patient and their parent is the expert in their own experience and their body, and the physician or the clinician is the expert in the methods and how they’re used and what the risks and side effects are. And together, in partnership, we make a decision that’s best for that patient.”

Ideally, teens will want to talk to their parents about birth control, but if not, parents can make sure adolescents have some time to talk privately with their pediatrician during their yearly checkups or help them identify other adults — such as a family friend or favorite aunt — who would support them and help them find resources.

Parents can also guide teens — and themselves — to online information from organizations such as the CDC, Planned Parenthood and the American Academy of Pediatrics. The experts also recommended several other resources: Amaze.org has a website and a YouTube channel specifically designed for adolescents by the nonprofit Advocates for Youth, which focuses on sex education. Power to Decide, a nonprofit that seeks to prevent unplanned pregnancies, has a page called Find Your Method. It also runs Bedsider.org, a site aimed at older teens and people in their 20s. The Reproductive Health Access Project has a detailed chart about birth control options.

Trust your kids

According to Maslowsky, there is a consensus in the scientific community “that teens can make decisions about their health care, about their sexual and reproductive health care, that they’re absolutely capable of weighing the pros and cons and making decisions about what’s right for them in terms of the contraception, in terms of being sexually active or not, in terms of abortion.”

Researchers also know that teens like to obtain advice on these issues from adults they are close to. “And so if a teen comes to you and asks for your help, for your opinion, that’s great,” she said. “That means that they’re exercising their ability to make these informed decisions. They’re bringing in trusted experts. And so, I would work with them on the decision. I would support them on their decision.”

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