Category: Intimacy

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You might be afraid of intimacy and not even know it

— Here are the signs and how to work through it

By Willa Hart

  • Intimacy can exist between family, friends, and partners, but a fear of intimacy is not uncommon.
  • A fear of intimacy can manifest through self-sabotage, loss of attraction, or avoiding vulnerability.
  • While a fear of intimacy is nothing to be ashamed of, it can often be overcome through therapy.

Intimacy can be as powerful as it is intimidating. And there are many examples of what fear of intimacy may look like — it doesn’t always involve romantic relationships and emotional intimacy.

Intimacy can exist between friends, family members, as well as romantic partners and there are many different types of intimacy.

A fear of intimacy usually results from a negative experience in childhood, says Stephen Hirsch, a psychotherapist at The Relationship Suite.

“Whether it’s an abusive parent or an alcoholic parent or divorce or whatever, something happens in a person’s early life to make [them] feel insecure in allowing themself to be vulnerable and get attached to somebody,” he says.

If you think you, or someone you know, might have a fear of intimacy, here are a few different signs to look for, as well as some tips for how to address intimacy issues.

Fear of intimacy is experienced on a spectrum, so everyone experiences it differently, says Gary Katz, a therapist and the founder of the Center for Intimacy Recovery.

Still, there are a few characteristic signs of avoiding intimacy that you can look out for, either in yourself or a partner. They include:

  • Serial dating: Serial dating doesn’t necessarily mean you’re afraid of intimacy. However, you may regularly go on first, second, or third dates, but find yourself unable to push past the early stages of a relationship, even if you want to.
  • Sidestepping meaningful conversations: If you fill your schedule with work or social engagements so that you don’t have time for deep conversations, this could keep your relationships from progressing to a more intimate stage.
  • Loss of physical interest in your partner as time goes on: After six months to a year of dating, you may lose physical interest in your partner(s), sometimes to the extent of being unable to achieve sexual arousal. This is a physical response to a fear of intimacy and rejection.
  • Avoiding emotional vulnerability: When you are given the opportunity to open up, you could retreat from the conversation out of a fear of vulnerability.
  • Self-sabotage: In order to avoid rejection down the line, you might subconsciously sabotage a relationship. This can be through small things, like carrying on with a habit your partner hates, or big things, like abruptly ending an otherwise healthy relationship.

Sometimes, people fear one type of intimacy but not others. For instance, people who are afraid of emotional intimacy but not physical intimacy may frequently have casual sex but not be comfortable with a longer-term relationship, Katz says.

On the other hand, someone who is afraid of physical intimacy but not emotional intimacy may avoid sex or disassociate during physically intimate interactions. This is often seen amongst sexual assault survivors, says Sari Cooper, a therapist and Director of the Center for Love and Sex.

Causes of a fear of intimacy

In most cases, a fear of intimacy starts in childhood, Hirsch says. And it all ties back to a feeling of rejection.

This feeling can either be the result of severe trauma, Katz says. For example, if one, or more, parents abandoned you, were alcoholics, or had a mental illness that impaired their ability to meet your needs, it probably prevented a strong, positive attachment between you and them.

Or your intimacy fears could be due to something less severe, Katz says. For instance, if your parents were preoccupied with their own mental health, stress, or long work hours, over your needs.

The bottom line is that if a child thinks their caregivers can’t or don’t want to meet their needs, the child may start to feel self-conscious — like something’s wrong with them. In the future, that could lead them to avoid opening up to others, because they fear additional rejection, Katz says.

One study suggests that rejection by parents as a child – and especially rejection by one’s mother – was strongly associated with fear of intimacy as an adult.

Alternately, Hirsch says that in some cases, children of closely-knit families may grow up feeling that they lack privacy and a sense of control over their lives. As adults, that can make them shy away from intimacy as they attempt to retain their agency.

How to overcome a fear of intimacy

Having a fear of intimacy is very common and nothing to be ashamed of. “We all have it on different levels,” Katz says.

If you want to overcome your fear of intimacy, the best option is therapy. This might include delving into your past to recognize your triggers, identifying the root cause(s) of a fear of intimacy, and developing a compassionate relationship with the hurt parts of your psyche, Cooper says.

If you’re in a relationship, couples therapy would also be appropriate.

“My gold standard for my clients is they’re in couples therapy with me and they each have their own individual therapist to work on themselves,” Hirsch says. “You do that individual work and bring it to the couples therapy and then 1+1 = 3.”

But Hirsch also acknowledges therapy is expensive, and this might not be an option for many. If you can’t attend simultaneous individual and couples therapy, try going to individual therapy first to work on your own past before attending couples therapy, Hirsch suggests.

Group therapy can also be a great option, Katz says, since it allows you to actively practice intimacy with your fellow group members while also exploring the source of your fear of intimacy.

In terms of modalities, Katz notes that certain types of body-based therapies might be best since they connect to your emotions. That could include somatic experience therapy, which involves practicing changing your physical responses to trauma, or sensorimotor psychotherapy, which is specialized for trauma and attachment issues.

But Hirsch says your main focus should be finding a therapist you connect with. “If you’re with somebody you feel really gets you, really understands you, really cares and really can help, overwhelmingly that’s the most important thing,” he says.

In your day-to-day, pay attention to when you’re willing to engage in intimacy and when you turn away, Katz says.

For instance, if you regularly turn down plans with friends, or pick up your phone instead of engaging in an emotional conversation with your partner, note those behaviors. Then make an effort to change them on a small scale.

“Slowly, over time, you’ll start to develop new neural pathways in your brain that are about connection and reach versus turning away and avoidance,” Katz says.

Insider’s takeaway

A fear of intimacy is very common. If you think you may experience this, pay attention to signs such as serial dating, self-sabotage, and pulling back in moments of emotional intimacy.

A fear of intimacy is nothing to be ashamed of, and if desired, it can be treated with individual, group, or couples therapy.

“Intimacy starts with being able to see all the parts of ourselves,” Katz says. “If I’m not going to look at them all, I’m not going to let anybody else in to look at them either, so it starts with becoming more familiar with the way I work, emotionally, intellectually, and then slowly allowing someone else to be able to see me, too.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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7 Ways To Have An Open Relationship When You’re Married

By loren_lankford

Are you curious about an open relationship, but not sure where to start? Maybe you’ve talked about it with your partner but don’t know how to have an open relationship and move forward.

Remember: all relationships are unique — one size does not fit all. Use these tips as a guide, but do what feels right for you.

1. Put it all out on the table

If you’ve been curious about making your relationship open, the first and most important thing to do is talk it over with your partner. Sit down at an appropriate time when both of you are calm and have plenty of time to chat.

Be sensitive in bringing it up, but be clear and honest with your emotions. Explain why this is something you’d like to try. If they agree, you can take the next step. If not, talk about other ways to evolve your monogamous relationship.

2. Set some ground rules

The rules couples put in place for their open relationships vary greatly but are all of equal importance. Once you’re sure that you both want to go forward, sit down and make a list of boundaries that both of you are comfortable with. Write them down and talk out all of the details before going forward.

While it’s important to be compromising in a relationship, this isn’t the place to bend over backward. Make your opinions known and don’t hold back.

Here are some common rules people in open relationships use. But don’t follow these — do what’s right for you:

  • Always practice safe sex outside the relationship.
  • No sex with mutual friends.
  • Sexual encounters must not interfere with the couple’s customary or planned time together.
  • Sex is permissible only when one partner is out of town.
  • Outside sex is only allowed with advance agreement with one’s lover.
  • Outside sex is allowed only when both partners participate.
  • Outside sex is never permitted at home.
  • Sex is permitted at home, but not in the bedroom.

3. Don’t be afraid to speak up

If you make rules that don’t work and you feel unhappy, be sure to leave room for adjustment. No one said the rules had to be set in stone and it may take time to feel out what works best for your relationship. Be patient with each other and the fog will start to clear.

4. Decide what you’re comfortable hearing about

If you feel the need to spill every detail of your escapades but your partner would rather you keep that to yourself (or vice-versa), you need to discuss those boundaries that make you both comfortable. Ask for the details you want but before you even ask make sure you really want to know.

Maybe you want to know who and when, but is it really necessary to know every detail? If you can handle it and it feels important to you then, by all means, ask!

5. Take it one step at a time

Start out slow. Consider first bringing someone else into your bedroom before you both go out on your own. Either way, be sure to have a frank discussion about each experience before proceeding full-steam ahead.

If it felt right and you’re ready to move forward, you can now do so with more confidence. But if something went awry, identify the root of the problem and work it out before moving on.

6. Don’t cheat

Unless your rules explicitly state that your partner wants to know nothing about who you sleep with, remember that cheating is still cheating, even in an open relationship. Holding back the details, even if it’s because you broke a rule and are worried you will hurt your partner, could cause greater problems going forward.

Your open relationship only works because you have trust, and once that’s gone you have nothing.

7. Don’t force the issue

If it isn’t working for one of you, it isn’t working for both. Whether this means adjusting your rules or stopping outside relations altogether, make the change that is going to make you comfortable.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Some Straight Men Sleep With Other Men

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Sexual identities and sexual behaviors don’t always match because sexuality is multidimensional. Many people recognize sexual fluidity, and some even identify as “mostly straight.”

Fewer people know that some men and women have same-sex encounters, yet nonetheless perceive themselves as exclusively straight. And these people are not necessarily “closeted” gays, lesbians, or bisexuals.

When a closeted gay or bisexual man has sex with another man, he views that sex as reflecting his secret identity. He is not open about that identity, likely because he fears discrimination. When a straight man has sex with another man, however, he views himself as straight despite his sex with men.

In my book, Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility among White Men in Rural America, I investigate why some men who identify as straight have sex with other men. Large nationally representative surveys show that hundreds of thousands of straight American men — at least — have had sex with two or more other men. This finding represents a disconnect between identity and behavior, and researchers from around the world – in the United States, Australia, and the U.K. – have studied this topic.

It involves two related but separate issues: first, why men identify as straight if they have sex with other men, and second, why straight men would have sex with other men in the first place.

Skirting around cheating

As part of my research, I spoke with 60 straight men who have sex with other men and specifically looked at men in rural areas and small towns. The majority of men I interviewed were primarily attracted to women, not men. So why would they have sex with other men?

My findings revealed several reasons as to why straight men have sex with other men. Several men explained that their marriages did not have as much sex as they wanted, and while they wanted to remain married, they also wanted to have more sex. Extramarital sex with men, to them, helped relieve their sexual needs without threatening their marriages.

Tom, a 59-year-old from Washington, explained: “I kind of think of it as I’m married to a nun.” He continued: “For me, being romantic and emotional is more cheating than just having sex.” And Ryan, a 60-year-old from Illinois, felt similarly. He said: “Even when I have an encounter now, I’m not cheating on her. I wouldn’t give up her for that.”

These men felt as though extramarital sex with women would negatively affect their marriages, whereas extramarital sex with men was not as much of an issue. Most men had not told their wives about their extramarital sex, however.

'Mostly Straight' Guy Falls for Roommate During Quarantine

Identities reflect sexual and nonsexual aspects of life

In order to answer why men would identify as straight despite having sex with other men, it’s important to know that sexual identities indicate how people perceive the sexual and nonsexual aspects of their lives. Connor, a 43-year-old from Oregon, noted:

“I think there’s a definite disconnect between gay and homosexual. There’s the homosexual community, which isn’t a community, there’s the homosexual proclivity, and then the gay community. It’s like you can be an athlete without being a jock. And you can be homosexual without being gay, or into all of it. It just becomes so politically charged now.”

The men I talked to identified as straight because they felt that this identity best reflected their romantic relationships with women, their connections to heterosexual communities or the way they understood their masculinity. Straight identification also, of course, meant that they avoided discrimination. They felt that sex with men was irrelevant to their identities given every other part of their lives.

Living in small towns and in more rural settings also shaped how the men perceived themselves. Larry, 37, from Wyoming, explained: “I would say straight because that best suits our cultural norms around here.” Most of the men I talked to were happy with their lives and identities, and they did not want to identify as gay or bisexual — not when people asked them, and not to themselves.

It may come as a surprise, but internalized homophobia was not a major reason the men I spoke to identified as straight. Most supported equal legal rights for lesbians, gays, and bisexuals. Other research also shows that, on average, straight men who have sex with men are not any more homophobic than other straight men. Additionally, while most men knew bisexuality is a valid identity, they felt that bisexual did not describe their identity because they were only romantically interested in women.

Many factors beyond sexual attractions or behaviors shape sexual identification, including social contexts, romantic relationships, and beliefs about masculinity and femininity, among others. Straight men who have sex with other men are not necessarily closeted, because they do genuinely see themselves as heterosexual.

Sexual encounters with men simply do not affect how they perceive their identity.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to close an open relationship

How to close an open relationship

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Over the past few years, conversations about polyamory have become more and more commonplace.

In fact, recent research by Lovehoney has uncovered that, as Brits become more sexually explorative and adventurous than ever, one in four Brits say they would consider an open relationship or some kind of polyamory in their lives, while 31% of Brits do not believe in monogamy at all.

Often when we speak about non-monogamy, there’s an assumption that decisions about the dynamic of a relationship made between couples (whether they’re about polyamory or anything else really) are permanent and unchangeable. A common misconception in relationships is that once a boundary is laid down, it’s immobile.

That myth can put people off trying an open relationship. A quick scroll through the non monogamy subreddit will show bouts of people concerned that an open relationship may have no end if they come to dislike it, or already do.

But while boundaries should always be respected, they’re subject to change as individuals and couples grow. If a relationship dynamic is making you uncomfortable, you have every right to negotiate with your partner and propose a new chapter.

Closing open relationships is more common than you might think. Hairdresser Izzy, 31, and her husband shift manager James, 35, opened their marriage after five years of being in a relationship and one year of marriage.

‘We’re both bisexual but neither of us have had a chance to explore things with the opposite sex, always being in hetero relationships,’ Izzy tells Metro.co.uk. ‘We decided to give each other that chance as like a gift.’

For two years, they loved having an open relationship.

‘Neither of us got serious with other people and we still had sex with one another and made lots of time for dates,’ Izzy shares. ‘In a way nothing changed between us really, just I slept with women and Jake slept with men and we felt like we were finally getting to explore our queer identities.’

Things changed for the couple when Izzy got pregnant.

She tells us: ‘Lots of poly couples make a pregnancy work. I’ve seen couples who involve the other partners and the kid gets to have a load of parents who all of them. For us, though, it felt icky.

Multiethnic couple holding hands and walking
Communication is key

‘Being pregnant made me want to close our relationship again and just focus on the three of us, at least for the time being.’

Bella and James think they will eventually re-open their relationship but not until their child, now six months old, is a bit older.

‘I think because we weren’t serious with any of our partners, it didn’t feel natural to involve polyamory with our pregnancy or keep it going,’ Bella adds. ‘And soon I would be so big that sex would kind of be off the cards, wouldn’t it?’

Thankfully for the couple, closing the relationship wasn’t a huge deal.

‘Again I think because we didn’t have any romantic attachment to any of the people we were sleeping with, like we weren’t serious or committed to any of them, [closing the relationship] was sort of easy,’ Bella explains. ‘When we found out we were pregnant, we both just kind of said we should probably stop.’

Gigi Engle, a certified sex educator who specialises in relationship diversity, says closing a relationship can be complicated, ‘but so is opening a relationship’. The key is good old communication.

She tells us: ‘If both partners are down to close the relationship, it’s totally doable. You just have to be on the same page about it.

‘But the thing about open relationships (and relationships in general) is that both people have to want that style of relationship for the relationship to thrive.’

She adds that if one partner wants an open relationship and one partner wants a closed relationship, this is a recipe for disaster.

She continues: ‘Really, what it comes down to is, are you okay with it if your partner wants to close the relationship?

‘If you don’t want to close it, is that a compromise you’re willing to make? It’s really okay if you don’t want to close it, and it’s okay if you do.’

Cropped hands of lesbian couple holding hands against purple background
It’s okay for your relationship to change

If you are on different pages, Engle suggests involving a qualified psychosexual therapist to try to work through that conversation, ‘because you’re fundamentally incompatible on this topic’.

‘It may have to end the relationship, which isn’t a bad thing because you deserve to live your truth,’ Gigi comments.

‘There’s nothing wrong with wanting to close your open relationship. A lot of couples who have close really open relationships often close them at least for periods of time.

‘For instance, like when one partner gets pregnant, the couple may decide to close the relationship during the time of the pregnancy because there’s so much emotional support needed.’

Students Sammi*, 22, and Danielle*, 21, opened their relationship after they’d been together for three years.

Sammi tells Metro.co.uk: ‘My partner had never been with a male before and wanted to experiment, I was eager to explore being open and sleeping with other people except my partner, we didn’t have sex particularly often as we both take antidepressants and find our libidos don’t line up as often as we’d like.’

The couple discussed the idea for a while, downloading dating apps together and making sure they understood and respected each other’s boundaries, before starting to see other people.

‘Soon we started dating others and further on, we ended up having threesomes with people we had each met individually which was an exciting experience,’ Sammi shares. ‘But my partner struggled with this and found it hard to articulate their exact feelings as they weren’t sure what they were feeling themselves.’

Eventually Sammi’s partner, who is non-binary, realised the envy they were feeling wasn’t over Sammi sleeping with men, but over the men themselves.

‘In the end, my partner realised that actually the jealousy was more envy of the males I was meeting as they themselves did not identify as female,’ Sammi explains. ‘We decided to close the relationship again as it brought up feelings we didn’t want to have to work through.

‘So basically our open relationship triggered a gender identity crisis for my partner but ended in an awakening.’

Sammi also realised that she was having sex with men for validation, and she and her partner found this unhealthy – adding another reason to close the relationship.

The conversation about closing their open relationship was made a lot easier because they’d discussed the importance of communicating any and all feelings right when they first discussed polyamory.

Sammi says: ‘We didn’t have a timescale in mind, just for as long as we both enjoyed it and felt we wanted it to be open.

‘I really can’t emphasise the importance of communication during this time as I really think it would have ended us if we couldn’t be open and discuss these things without judgement from the other side.’

Gigi recommends discussing the potential closure of an open relationship from the very beginning, when you first discuss the idea of opening the relationship.

‘When opening, it has to be clear that this might not work and that you’re willing to work through that possibility together,’ she says.

If you want to close your open relationship, these conversations can’t be avoided.

‘You should be living your most authentic life so that you don’t end up miserable and resentful of your partner,’ Gigi says.

She adds that some people go back and forth on opening and closing their relationships, while others open their relationship for a few years then close it again because they’re done with that part of their sexual exploration.

‘It’s completely fine to do and doesn’t make you boring,’ Gigi shares. ‘It doesn’t mean that you’re doing anything wrong.

‘After many years, relationships shift, they change, they never stay stagnant.

‘And what works for you at one point in your life may not work in another.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Five tips for navigating an open relationship

By

Dipping a toe into the world of polyamory for the first time can be equal parts exciting and daunting.

But with a recent survey by Lovehoney finding that one in four Brits say they would consider an open relationship (27%), it’s not that uncommon a desire.

Whether you know you want to give it a try or you’re just curious, Ness Cooper, a sexologist at The Sex Consultant, has got five key tips on successfully navigating an open relationship.

Establish the boundaries of your open relationship

First things first: set those ground rules.

‘Learn about which roles you have within your relationship dynamic,’ says Ness.

‘Are you opening up your relationship to have multiple romantic partners, or are you hoping that you and your partner just see others for causal sex and erotic play?’

Communication is key

Boundaries are unlikely to be a one-time, one-size-fits-all conversation.

‘Communication about boundaries is vital,’ explains Ness, ‘but it is also important to understand that different partners will often have different boundaries.

‘Everyone will have varied sexual and relational boundaries, and learning about these can help avoid upsetting the relationship dynamics you have going on.’

Respect each other’s privacy

There’s a difference between secrecy and privacy.

Ness explains: ‘Some individuals may be happier to talk or hear about their partner’s connection with other play partners than others.

‘It is therefore important to understand exactly what your partner is comfortable with hearing.’

Talk about time management

Adding people to your love life means you’ll be juggling even more in your calendar.

‘It can be easy to mismanage time between multiple partners or even time away for casual hook-ups,’ says Ness.

‘Making a schedule with your primary partner [if you have one] and other partners is key to avoiding jealousy and double booking date nights and other intimate activities.’

Ensure you discuss safety

Another vital logistical aspect of opening up a relationship is talking safe sex.

‘It is important to also consider safey aspects,’ says Ness, ‘from meeting new play partners to using safe sex methods such as condoms, it’s important you have these discussions with your partner when opening up your relationship.

‘Getting screened for STIs regularly can also be helpful to add reassurance.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 things more important than sex in a relationship

Feeling emotionally secure in your relationship is more important for its long-term success than the quality of your under-the-cover activities.

By Rebecca Strong

  • Not everyone finds sex essential in a relationship, and experts say other factors may matter more.
  • Quality time, emotional security, and other forms of intimacy can help you grow closer as partners.
  • If you often feel sexually unfulfilled, a calm, open conversation can help you express your needs.

Every relationship is unique. So, while some couples may put sex at the top of their priority list, others may consider other aspects of the relationship more important.;

Partners may not prioritize sex for a number of reasons, according to Lauren Cook-McKay, a marriage and family therapist and VP at Divorce Answers.
For example, having a lower sex drive, being asexual, abstaining from sex due to religious or cultural beliefs, or living with certain medical conditions can all play a role.

“Sex is not the only aspect of the relationship that makes couples happy,” McKay says. “It isn’t always a necessary ingredient for a fulfilling relationship.”

In fact, experts say the following aspects of a relationship may have just as much importance as sex, if not more.

1. Emotional security

Emotional security is the foundation of any loving and supportive relationship, according to Jennine Estes, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Estes Therapy.

Emotional security means you feel safe enough to be open and vulnerable with your partner.

For example, if you feel neglected by your partner or something they said upsets you, you should feel free to share why you’re upset with them — without fearing their reaction.

In contrast, partners who don’t feel emotionally secure might become defensive or combative during conflicts, and withdraw, shut down, or avoid disagreements entirely.

Estes says these behaviors can hinder communication and in some cases breed hidden resentments.

To build emotional security, you might:

  • Let them know when something they do upsets you — but approach them in a non-accusatory way so they know you’re giving them the benefit of the doubt
  • Summarize or reflect back on what they’ve said to show you’ve listened and care about their thoughts and feelings
  • Validate and show empathy for their experiences by saying things like, “It makes sense you’d feel sad in that situation” or “That must’ve been so stressful. I’d feel the same way.”

2. Quality time

A small 2021 study found that spending quality time with your partner — whether just talking or participating in an activity — could help you:

  • Feel more satisfied in the relationship
  • Perceive more positive qualities in your relationship
  • Experience greater closeness to your partner

There’s no hard or fast rule on how much time you should spend together. Ultimately, experts say it’s about finding what works for you — which could mean reserving a stretch of bonding time on weekends, setting aside an hour each day, or doing date night once a week.

Shared experiences are powerful, McKay says, because they can uncover common ground. They can also make you feel like a team, create positive memories to look back on, and motivate you to continue building on the relationship.

“The more the couple can step away from daily stress and be present for each other, the more they will feel connected,” Estes says.

3. Positive interactions

According to extensive research by psychologist John Gottman, couples who had five or more positive interactions for each negative one were more likely to stay married than divorce. Using this magic ratio, Gottman could predict whether a couple would stay married with over 90% accuracy.

Negative interactions may include being overly critical or dismissive of your partner’s feelings, raising your voice, or giving them the silent treatment. These behaviors can take a toll on the trust, respect, and intimacy in your relationship.

Conversely, you can have more positive interactions by:

  • Showing genuine interest in your partner’s words by making eye contact, asking open-ended questions, and practicing reflective listening.
  • Expressing physical affection by embracing them when they come home from work, rubbing their back while you watch a movie, or holding their hand while on a neighborhood stroll.
  • Complimenting them and expressing gratitude and appreciation for the things they do to make your life easier.
  • Finding things to agree on during conflict rather than only focusing on your differences.
  • Offering a sincere apology when you’ve done something hurtful.
  • Finding ways to laugh together to ease the tension and lighten the mood during discussions and minor disagreements

4. Intimacy

Intimacy cultivates a sense of closeness. While a lot of people assume intimacy just means sex, Cook-McKay says physical intimacy is only one component.

Other equally important types of intimacy include:

  • Mental or intellectual intimacy: This involves learning new things together. For instance, you might suggest signing up for a cooking class or discussing topics you both find stimulating.
  • Emotional intimacy: This involves talking about your innermost thoughts, desires, and fears. You can encourage your partner to do the same by asking open-ended questions, like: “What makes you feel the most loved?” “What is something you want to try but feel too scared to do?” or “When you’re feeling stressed, what’s the best thing I can do for you?”
  • Experiential intimacy: This could include any kind of teamwork. To cultivate this type of intimacy, you might find a hobby to share or tackle home improvement projects together.

5. Respect

Mutual respect in a relationship can contribute to feelings of trust and emotional security and promote greater honesty and vulnerability. It can even promote greater relationship satisfaction and quality.

You can show your respect in everyday interactions by:

  • Honoring boundaries
  • Giving each other space as needed
  • Supporting each other’s goals and interests
  • Acknowledging each other as individuals with unique needs and desires

Contempt, the opposite of respect, can cause your bond to deteriorate. In short, not showing your partner respect can harm their self-esteem and leave them feeling frustrated, discontent, or even apathetic.

Physical intimacy does matter, too

Experts agree sex isn’t necessarily essential for all relationships. Many people can maintain fulfilling relationships by focusing on intimacy in other areas.

In a 2013 study, participants who completed an online questionnaire linked more frequent kissing with higher relationship quality — but interestingly, they did not report the same link when it came to frequency of sex.

A 2020 study of heterosexual married couples also found that partners who had more non-sexual physical contact tended to be happier in their relationships.

Ultimately, what matters most is that you and your partner both feel fulfilled. If you have mismatched needs and desires for sex, Cook-McKay recommends starting by focusing on building intimacy in other areas.

“People mostly forget that sex is all about feeling connected,” she says. “If one of you doesn’t feel that way, that can affect your sex drive.”

What to do if you’re unhappy with sex in your relationship

Estes also recommends working with a marriage counselor or sex therapist to dig into any underlying challenges or issues compromising your sex life.

A sex therapist can also offer guidance on communicating your sexual needs to your partner.

Estes says it’s crucial to let your partner know if you feel unfulfilled in your sex life. This can be a sensitive topic, so here’s what she recommends:

  • Choose a non-stressful time. In other words, bring it up on a laid-back Sunday afternoon at home, not right before they head out for an appointment or after they come home from a hectic day at work.
  • Start with reassuring language. Instead of making accusations that might put them on the defensive, Estes advises opening up the conversation with something positive like, “There are lots of areas of our relationship I’m really happy with right now, like [X, Y, and Z]. But sexual intimacy is one area I’d really like to work on with you.”
  • Come from a place of curiosity. Rather than making statements like, “We don’t have enough sex,” try observations and questions, like, “I’ve noticed we haven’t been having sex as much as we used to and I’m curious: Why do you think that is?”

Insider’s takeaway

Although sex can be a powerful way to bond and stay connected, it’s not absolutely essential for a relationship to thrive.

For one, you have many other ways to foster physical intimacy in your relationship besides sex. But you might even find that prioritizing other elements of your relationship, — like respect, emotional security, quality time, positive communication, and overall intimacy — can go a long way toward strengthening your bond.

That said, if you and your partner have very different sexual needs and you consistently feel unfulfilled, experts agree you should feel free to share that with your partner in a calm and honest, but non-judgmental, way.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Start a Casual Sex Relationship

There is nothing shameful about casual sex—if you’re being open and honest.

By Brianne Hogan

A new study suggests that dating-app users are are more likely to casually date and have casual sex. Surprise! While we probably didn’t need a study to state the obvious, casual sex still gets a bad rap, especially if that’s what you’re exclusively seeking. Our sexual wants and needs ebb and flow with life, and sometimes sex is a pleasurable activity you want to do with no strings attached. But how do you have casual sex while remaining respectful and safe for all parties involved? First, it might be a good idea to actually define what casual sex means to you.

“Casual sex can be used as an umbrella term to define sexual activity between people who may not have as much familiarity, attachment, or commitment with their sexual partner(s),” says Dr. Kristen Mark, sexual health educator and Everlywell advisor. “This can include anything from one-night stands to friends with benefits but typically is outside of the context of a romantic relationship or attachment.”

Since the parameters of casual sex can be a little delicate, here’s what to keep in mind before you swipe right on the next hookup.

Casual sex is not inherently shameful

Once you understand what casual sex means to you, it’s equally important to accept that’s what you’re seeking right now in your life and not shame yourself (or others) for pursuing it.

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“Pursuing casual sex is always OK to do if it is genuinely what you want,” Mark says. “There are a lot of important needs that can be met through sex—things like sexual pleasure, stress release, satisfaction, connection—and that doesn’t have to happen in the context of a romantic relationship or attachment.”

But Mark cautions it’s equally important to check in with yourself to ensure you’re getting your needs met and aren’t doing it for the sake of someone else at the expense of yourself. “If you find yourself in casual sexual relationships but you’re looking for something more serious, be true to yourself on that, or casual sex can become something that might not be meeting your needs.”

Open communication and safety are the biggest priorities

Relationships of any kind, including and maybe especially unattached relationships like this, thrive on communication. If you’re vibing with a match and you know you’re only interested in something casual, make it known as soon as possible. “Communicate this directly and simply,” Mark says. “You can just say, ‘I’m just looking for casual sex here, and wanted to be upfront about that so that we are on the same page.’ That’s about it—keep it simple and direct and honest.” On the flip side, if you’re not seeking casual sex, communicate that simply and directly, too.

While reported cases of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) in the U.S. decreased during the early months of COVID, most of them, including gonorrhea and syphilis, resurged by the end of 2020. That’s why, if you’re regularly engaging in non-barrier-protected sex with partners whose STI status you’re unsure of, Mark recommends getting tested with each new partner (especially when partners are having sex with multiple other people) or whenever fluid bonding (where you don’t have a barrier method in place such as a condom) is taking place.

“Make sure that if you’re engaged in fluid bonding that you talk about STIs, and if there are body parts involved that could result in sperm meeting an egg, that you talk about unintended pregnancy prevention,” Mark says. “Be transparent about your intentions, your needs, and your safety. This is crucial and by communicating this with a partner, you show them that you care about their health, too.”

The same goes if you discover you have an STD/STI after sex with your new partner.

“STIs are quite common,” Mark says. “Around 1 in 4 people will be diagnosed with an STI in their lifetime. So, in knowing that, try to just approach it directly and perhaps even frame it that way. Having sex without barrier protection has inherent risk, and everyone can weigh that risk with the benefit for themselves. Part of that risk is the potential for STIs, so just be direct about the fact that this is something you’ll have to deal with.”

She advises to get in touch with your most recent sexual partners and let them know they need to get tested. “Avoid blaming or shaming. Simply state the facts and let them know that you want to look out for their health and the health of their partners, so they need to get tested and treated.”

Whether it’s a one-night stand or a friends-with-benefits situation, Mark says her biggest piece of advice is to always remain honest and clear with your sexual partner and check in frequently.

“No matter what type of sex you’re having, doing a pulse check to ensure you’re on the same page with a partner is always a good idea,” she says. “Simply check in by saying something like, ‘That was great, how are you doing? Are we doing OK here?’ Be transparent and direct about what you’re looking for. Don’t give people the wrong impression about what you want just for the sake of hooking up. Be an empathetic and open communicator.”

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How polyamorous people are marking commitment to multiple partners

By Suzannah Weiss

Sarah Brylinsky, a 34-year-old working in higher education in Ithaca, N.Y., is legally married to 36-year-old farm manager Brandon Brylinsky. Two years ago, on a camping trip a decade into their relationship, they met 35-year-old Matte Namer, the founder of a real estate firm.

The Brylinskys and Namer are polyamorous, which means they are open to romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. After meeting two years ago, they started going on dates together, and soon after, Namer moved in with the Brylinskys. Now, the three plan to have a child, and they want to make their relationship official so that they can be recognized by their community as a family.

But how do you make a relationship official when there are three people in it?

Polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy — when people have more than one sexual or romantic partner at once with all partners’ permission. A 2021 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that one in nine single American adults had engaged in polyamory.

In legal terms, polyamorous people are unable to marry all their of partners: It is illegal throughout the United States to marry more than one person at a time. Somerville, Mass., is thought to be the first U.S. city to legally recognize polyamorous domestic partnerships, which it started doing in 2020.

However, people like Namer and the Brylinskys are utilizing an option that symbolically, though not legally, binds all three of them: a commitment ceremony.

Commitment ceremonies are events that celebrate any number of people’s commitment to one another, and they can look many different ways, according to Connecticut-based marriage and family therapist Kristen C. Dew.

She’s seen some that “resemble the typical monogamous couples’ weddings,” she said, while others are parties or outdoor gatherings. She also said that “many opt for handfasting ceremonies,” or choose unique items as symbols of their love.

The ceremony that Namer and the Brylinskys are planning will be similar to a wedding. They’re discarding some traditions: They’ll have a cookie table instead of a cake, for example. But they will all make vows to one another. In addition, the Brylinskys will create a joint vow just for Namer, and vice versa, they said.

“We met Matte as a couple; there was a relationship that came before them, and it’s both important to establish that we made a family together and to acknowledge that we transitioned our existing relationship to make room for that,” Sarah said.

Ambyr D’Amato, a wedding planner based in New York, is helping to plan this ceremony. She said she has worked with several other polyamorous people on commitment ceremonies: In one of them, a couple that was already married waited at the end of the aisle, and the third person walked down the aisle to symbolically join them.

“It was important to [the third person], since they were not legally married to anybody, that they had a ceremony where they could involve their family and have things be more in the open,” D’Amato said. The event took place in Central Park, she added, replete with flowers, champagne, oysters and live music.

Another commitment ceremony D’Amato planned was between two people who were both legally married to other people, and each person’s partner was present to give their blessing. Afterward, they threw a dance party with their family and friends.

“I like that I can provide access to a heart-opening and connected time for people,” D’Amato said. “I also like that I can help them think outside of the box: You can do whatever you want. Nothing has to look a certain way.”

Many people are embracing the notion that their relationship doesn’t have to be celebrated with a traditional wedding, and opting for commitment ceremonies instead — even those whose relationships only involve two people.

Rachael, a 37-year-old writer, and Tom, a 36-year-old tech adviser — both based in Santa Barbara, Calif. — were legally married for financial and logistical reasons in 2015, but they publicly became each other’s spouses during a commitment ceremony on the lawn of the Santa Barbara courthouse six months earlier.

“We felt it was a better fit for us, being pretty nontraditional in many ways,” Rachael said. “We wanted to be very intentional about how we celebrated our commitment.”

Rachael and Tom, who spoke on the condition that only their first names be used, said they are non-monogamous and are open to committing themselves to an additional partner. Part of the reason they joined through a commitment ceremony is so that, if they do decide to hold another one with a third person, all three of them will be on the same footing, they said.

And as a genderqueer, pansexual person holding this ceremony in 2015 — before same-sex marriage was legal throughout the U.S. — Rachael wanted to stand in solidarity with queer people who couldn’t legally marry their partners, Rachael said.

To reflect the nontraditional nature of their relationship, Rachael wore blue, and instead of the gendered roles of bridesmaids and groomsmen, they designated a group they called “their people” to walk down the aisle one by one.

Jessica Fern, a Boulder-based psychotherapist who works with polyamorous people, touted the potential benefits of ceremonies like this.

“When someone experiences legal marginalization for their relationship structure or style, commitment ceremonies can go a long way to deepen a relationship, publicly acknowledge its significance, and even assuage some of the pain and injustice that being a minority can create,” she said.

Fern’s clients who have undergone commitment ceremonies have reported feeling more secure in their relationships as a result, she said: “They have more of a structure that they can rely on that’s bigger than just them. They can lean on each other in hard times, like, ‘I made this commitment.’ ”

But many non-monogamous people say they don’t feel safe holding an event as public as a commitment ceremony, because of existing stigma. And while those in polyamorous relationships can work with lawyers to secure certain legal protections (Namer and the Brylinskys are working with the Chosen Family Law Center to ensure they all have equal status as parents of their future child), a commitment ceremony does not confer the same rights as a legal wedding.

Some non-monogamous people hope that this will change in the future. “We have the right to be with our loved ones and share the resources that we would normally get to share in a monogamous context,” Fern said.

Still, Fern thinks anyone wanting to make an official commitment to a partner can learn from non-monogamous commitment ceremonies.

“There are so many traditions that we do in monogamous weddings, and we’re like, why do we do this?” she said. “Why do you throw the bouquet? … Why is the father giving the bride away? As people are questioning [these norms], they’re able to have even their own monogamous wedding that feels aligned with them and their values and their relationship.”

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Four key steps to reviving your sex life

By Jelena Kecmanovic

Early in the pandemic, many coupled patients in my therapy practice mentioned sex less than usual. It was crowded out by all the other existential concerns and emotional problems. But as the world starts to reopen and spring is in the air, their interest in sex — and concern about the pandemic’s effect on it — has picked up. “I wonder if we’ll ever have regular sex again,” “We got out of habit and I don’t know how to bring it up,” and “I just don’t feel sexy after all we’ve gone through — but I’d like to” are common laments I hear.

Research indicates sex has suffered during the past two years. A 2022 review of 22 studies, including 2,454 women and 3,765 men, found a decrease in sexual activity and higher rates of sexual dysfunction during the pandemic. Another review of research from 18 countries, conducted until April 2021, showed that women experienced lower sex frequency as well as a decline in sexual satisfaction.

Many factors have contributed to this compromised sexual functioning. Biological reasons include the facts that “people experienced more stress and fear, less exercise, worse diets, more drinking and smoking, and increased use of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications,” said Ian Kerner, relationship and sex therapist in New York City and the author of “So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex: Laying Bare and Learning to Repair Our Love Lives.”

Furthermore, rates of anxiety, depression and relationship conflict, all of which adversely affect sex, have gone up during the pandemic. Gail Guttman, a relationship and sex therapist in the D.C. area, added that being stuck at home with a partner and kids and having no privacy also have contributed to worsening sexual functioning.

Research indicates that a robust sex life is associated with higher individual and couple well-being — and that can be especially important during stressful times. A January 2021 Italian study, for example, found that both women and men who had sex during the pandemic lockdown exhibited lower depression and anxiety.

With infection rates falling, mask mandates lifting and experts designing road maps that will hopefully leave the pandemic in our rearview mirrors, now seems like a good time for couples to reinvigorate their sex lives. “There is an opportunity here to not just get back to normal, but to improve things in creative ways,” said David Ley, a psychologist and sex therapist in Albuquerque. This seems especially important given that the frequency of intercourse and other partnered sexual activities was falling even before the pandemic.

Here are steps that Ley and others recommended to help couples find their way back to each other physically.

Decide together that sex is important

If a couple wants to rekindle their sex life, it needs to be a mutual decision, followed by action. “People might think things will just get better on their own. But we need to prioritize sex if we want to see a change,” said Cynthia Graham, a professor in sexual and reproductive health within psychology at the University of Southampton, in the United Kingdom.

How do you prioritize sex? First, assess whether your relationship’s level of trust and goodwill toward each other provides a safe base for rekindling sex. “Being able to unite and together work on improving your sex life, instead of seeing it as ‘me vs. you’ problem, is a good start,” said Ley.

Then, make space for sex in your life, working together to identify and overcome barriers. Some couples might discover that helping each other lower stress or reduce fatigue — perhaps with a reallocation or reprioritization of responsibilities — is what’s needed. Others might find that reviving their emotional intimacy is a prerequisite for being physically intimate; one way to do that is to take turns answering the 36 questions in this study that were shown to increase closeness.

What is particularly important is to let go of any presumptions about your libido, the way sex is supposed to go or what will constitute sexual intimacy on any given night. Expectations that you’ll feel burning desire, experience fireworks in bed and achieve simultaneous orgasms — ideas typically fueled by unrealistic media portrayals — often backfire, as sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski details in “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.” It is interesting that a significant number of older people report having satisfying sex lives because they learned to let go of assumptions and accept their bodies.

“You should replace sexual desire with willingness to show up and go through the motions which are pleasant for both of you, and might get you in the mood,” said Kerner. “Just being truly present goes a long way.”

Talk about sex

There is a paradox in our society: Sex is seemingly everywhere, all the time — in shows, videos, podcasts, magazines and ads, among other places — but couples at home avoid conversations about it. Many of my patients express high anxiety about the thought of bringing up anything pertaining to sex when talking with their partners, especially if they anticipate any disagreement. Mirroring my observations, a 2017 study found that couples feel much more anxious before conflictual conversations related to sex compared with other subjects.

Other research suggests that individuals in relationships also are reluctant to engage in sexual self-disclosure. “There is so much discomfort, shame, and fear of rejection that stops people from talking about sex,” said Ley. “And yet, the only way to improve your sex life is by discussing what optimal sex looks like for you and what’s standing in the way of achieving it. Sexual goals, preferences, fantasies and differences in desire levels can be all communicated and negotiated with empathy and kindness.”

Graham explained that sexual communication is strongly related to sexual satisfaction and that “there is a reciprocal relationship between sexual communication and desire.” So heed the advice of the 1990 song by Salt-N-Pepa, “Let’s Talk About Sex”: “Don’t be coy, avoid, or make void the topic / Cause that ain’t gonna stop it.” If you find yourself at a loss about how to broach the subject, any collection of sexually intimate questions — which can be found on relationship and wedding sites, and even Oprah.com — could give you some ideas. Be mindful to tailor your disclosures and questions to yourself and your partner.

Ignore the myth of spontaneity

Another cultural script that hurts our sex lives is the idea that — if you love each other — desire should appear out of nowhere, leading to hot, spontaneous sex. It turns out that only about 15 percent of women experience so-called spontaneous desire (the percentage is higher in men), and the rest have desire that is responsive to context, such as erotic materials, a sexy whisper or sensual smells. Imagining such things can increase desire, too.

So, there is nothing wrong with planning sex. “People are resistant to sex dates, but I remind them that sex was actually never completely spontaneous,” said Guttman. “When you were dating and thinking sex might happen, you’d put on nicer underwear.”

Kerner suggests picking a night to have sex, and then “living the whole day in a pro-sex way.” Imagination is your limit to what this could look like.

Increase novelty and play (not just in the bedroom)

Imagination is also crucial when it comes to brainstorming and engaging in activities with a partner in a way that broadens your sense of self and perspective of the world. Novel, surprising, and challenging activities have been shown to enhance sexual desire and satisfaction. So, be creative and join a Mediterranean cooking class together, learn to dance salsa or act like tourists in your own city.

After two years in raggedy leisure clothes, with limited interactions with the outside world, even dressing up and going out for a nice dinner (maybe in a new restaurant with a cuisine you’ve never tasted before) will feel adventurous and exciting. Even better if you make it a surprise.

If you want an additional boost in libido, try activities that get your and your partner’s heart-rate pumping. Hiking, biking, running or roller-coasters could do the trick

The common theme here is to allow yourself and your partner to step out of a goal-oriented, “responsible citizen” role for a bit. “The main advice I would give is: Play!” said Guttman. “Whether you go to a bar and pretend that you’re meeting for the first time, or you go on a little adventure to a sex toy store, in-person or online, what matters is being playful and laughing with your partner.”

Finally, “you can experiment with things that can enhance arousal,” said Kerner. “Pick [sexual] scenarios you think your partner would like and suggest them. You’ll be surprised how often they appreciate that. Or together enjoy some erotic literature, sexy podcast or steamy Netflix show.”

Now is our chance to rekindle passion and create better sex lives than before the pandemic. “Sex therapists all over the country that I supervise are noticing a sexual parallel to the Great Resignation,” said Ley. “There’s an explosion of interest in trying new ways of relating to each other and re-sparking.”

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Let’s Talk About Emotional Cheating in Queer Relationships

“As a rule of thumb, if you’re hiding something… then you’re likely cheating to some degree.”

By Sophie Saint Thomas

Within the queer community, we like to joke that the straights are not okay. But if they can’t handle West End Caleb, the guy who went viral for “love bombing” New York City women with Spotify playlists before ghosting, how could they handle navigating emotional cheating within a polyamorous queer triad? Has a straight person ever needed to identify one’s bisexual identity, in terms of both romantic and sexual attraction, when pinpointing what constitutes emotional cheating? I once watched an ex have her out-of-town ex-turned-best-friend (it’s confusing, I know) platonically stay with her, in her bed, during Valentine’s Day weekend, then accuse me of being emotionally unavailable.

The straights are just fine, with a few notable but vocal exceptions. But the LGBTQ+ crowd needs to discuss emotional cheating — especially after the lonely lockdown and isolation of the COVID-19 pandemic.

While having an ex sleep over, even if you don’t have sex, might be too much for my Scorpio heart, my Gemini friend Zachary Zane, a bisexual activist and Lovehoney sex and relationship columnist, would probably call me a prude. “Since queer people exist outside of traditional, heteronormative constructs, we’ve had to create and define our own relationships,” Zane tells Logo. “Queer people understand that a multitude of relationship types exist between a platonic friend and romantic and sexual partner. You can deeply love your best friend. You can sleep with your best friend periodically. You can be polyamorous and have casual sex partners, platonic life partners, and romantic partners. The options really are endless.”

I asked Zane if he’s ever felt emotionally cheated on. “LOL — no one cheats on me. All my partners are obsessed, and it’s hella annoying.” Geminis.

From a heteronormative, monogamous perspective, it’s probably hard to understand how emotional cheating could even happen to a queer person in a poly relationship. After all, doesn’t polyamory translate to “many loves?” It does, but the whole “ethical” part in ethical non-monogamy (ENM) necessitates communication to ensure that boundaries are respected.

“Emotional cheating can occur in ENM when expectations are not communicated properly,” Zane explains. “As a rule of thumb, if you’re hiding something, lying to your partner about something you’re doing or feeling towards someone else, then you’re likely cheating to some degree.”

Of course, not every queer person is in an open relationship, and it’s rude to assume so. But it is true that queer people — many of whom couldn’t even marry their long-term partners until recently — tend to find new and chosen families. “These relationships are frequently emotionally close and, for some folks, can at times seem to blur lines of what is strictly friendship and what may cross into something different or more,” says Dr. Laura Obert, a licensed psychologist and LGBTQ+ coach. “For those who have a primary committed relationship, this may lay the groundwork for emotional cheating being inadvertently more accessible if the relational boundaries are not clear.”

Bisexual “Sober Sexpert” Tawny Lara notes that while it is important to establish boundaries to prevent emotional cheating, in her experience, it’s also crucial to remember that one person cannot fulfill all of your needs, even if you are monogamous. “It’s important to have strong friendships outside of your partner(s). Expecting one person to satiate your every desire is unrealistic. It’s also important to discern healthy, external friendships from what you know in your gut to be emotional infidelity. And that’s a line that only you can draw for yourself.”

Lara says she has emotionally cheated in the past to satisfy a romantic void which she wasn’t getting at home. “On The Office, I see Jim and Pam’s relationship while she was with Roy as emotional infidelity. She confided in Jim, cried to Jim, had an intimate connection with Jim for years before they finally kissed, and she left her fiancé.” Not only can Lara pull fantastic pop culture references out of thin air, but she has been on both sides of the emotional-cheating equation. Lara found out that a former partner was texting his ex for weeks, including during a surprise birthday party she threw for him.

“I saw the ‘I miss you too’ texts pop up on his phone and was completely devastated,” she remembers. “It’s hard to compare that pain to the pain felt from a physical affair, but I definitely think there’s a difference between having a long-term emotional connection with someone versus a one-time fling. They can both cause pain, but an emotional affair has a particular sting to it.”

During the isolation of lockdown, physical cheating became more high-stakes than ever. While emotional pain and STIs are always risks, now you could get the potentially fatal COVID-19 virus from kissing. Unless you live with your partner, you likely couldn’t even regularly have sex with them.

While we couldn’t go to bars or sex clubs, we certainly could spend time on social media — perhaps too much time. Who didn’t end up at least chatting up an ex after sliding into their DMs one lonely night to make sure they were still alive? “It would make perfect sense that people reached out virtually and emotionally to find a sense of connection and meaning in a world that seemed to have gone sideways,” says Shut Up and Listen to Yourself author and LGBTQ+ therapist Dr. Joshua Estrin. Does this count as emotional cheating? Maybe, or maybe it would be par for the course in your queer friend group. We are pretty good at staying friends with our exes, after all. Ultimately, it’s up to you and your partner(s) to decide what kind of digital communication with current or former paramours is or isn’t permissible.

There’s truth to some stereotypes. Yes, some queer relationships between two women can provide more emotional availability than what your average straight girl is used to receiving from the West Elm Calebs of the world. And sure, some queer men are probably better at handling jealousy than the presumably cis, straight girls West Elm Caleb attracts.

Being part of the LGBTQ+ rainbow is fabulous, but lines can get blurry with all of those colors. Like everything, defining and identifying emotional cheating within a queer relationship requires communication and boundaries. You’ll hurt yourself and others without boundaries, whether it’s the fallout after your secret Zoom dates with an ex during the pandemic inevitably explode, or after you end up telling your boss things your partner doesn’t even know. Boundaries are essential, which is why I’m proud of my aforementioned ex for blocking me even though we ended on rough terms.

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What’s the Difference Between Ethical Non-Monogamy, Polyamory, and Open Relationships?

Here’s how to determine what’s right for you.

By Zachary Zane

Relationships used to be simpler. Traditionally in the United States, the vast majority of people in relationships were monogamous, whereas the few remaining more “adventurous” couples were in open relationships, meaning they slept with additional folks with the consent and knowledge of their partner.

That was it.

Now people aren’t just in open relationships, they’re in polyamorous, swinging, polyfidelitous, and monogamish relationships too. (And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There are even more types of relationship styles out there.)

Even though the distinctions between these various relationship labels may seem insignificant, they’re necessary to differentiate the important nuances between each type of sexual and romantic connection.

In this explainer, we’ll break down everything you need to know about the main types of relationships that aren’t monogamous as well as tackle which type of relationship may work best for you and your partner(s).

Ethical non-monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term for all types of relationships that aren’t monogamous, meaning it includes every single defined term below. The word “ethical” is thrown in to make it abundantly clear that non-monogamy differs from cheating and lying to your partner. In ethically non-monogamous relationships, all partners are aware of the dynamic and consent to their partner(s) either dating or having sex outside of the relationship.

Open relationship

Most simply, an open relationship is one where you can sleep with folks outside of your primary relationship or marriage. People in open relationships typically keep their relationships with others strictly sexual. They’re not trying to date or fall in love with another person—although that sometimes can happen—which can complicate things. There are numerous different types of open relationships, and many folks have various “rules” in place to decrease the likelihood of romance with another person. These rules may prohibit sleeping with the same person more than once, sleeping with friends, sleepovers after sex, and sleeping in the bed the couple share. Whereas some open couples prefer to share the details of their sexual encounters, others have a “don’t-ask-don’t-tell” policy. The important thing to note here is that the primary partnership comes first.

Swinging

Swinging falls under the larger “open” umbrella, but has more specific guidelines. As Gigi Engle, a certified sex coach and educator, tells Prevention.com: “Swinging is when a committed couple engages in sexual activities with others as a form of recreation, such as a swingers party. A couple may also private swing with another couple. It’s an activity a couple does together and is usually considered part of their shared sex life.” The key here is noting that these couples swing together. They aren’t having sex with others independently, and more often than not, are having experiences at a designated swingers event.

Monogamish

Almost a decade ago, relationship and sex columnist Dan Savage coined the word “monogamish” to describe relationships that were, for the most part, monogamous, but allowed for little acts of sexual indiscretion (with the partner’s knowledge). Folks in monogamish relationships don’t often have sex outside the relationship. When they do, it’s usually when one person is out of town for work. The sexual flings with others are, for lack of a better word, meaningless. There’s no emotion involved. I’ve noticed that those in monogamish relationships are much more likely to have a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy than those in an open relationship, where the primary partners are sleeping with outsiders on a more regular basis.

Polyamorous

Polyamory comes from the Greek “poly” meaning many and Latin “amor” meaning love. Those who are in a polyamorous relationship have an intimate, romantic, and/or sexual relationship with more than one person. What can complicate things are folks who identify as polyamorous, yet are only romantically involved with one person. These people claim the poly label because they want to make it clear that they are open to the idea of loving more than one person at a time—and so too are their partners. They may also be actively dating other individuals, however, at the present moment, they’re currently only in a serious relationship with one person.

Polyamorous is different than polygamy, and as someone who identifies as polyamorous, we don’t like it when people conflate the two terms.

Polyamorous is different than polygamy, and as someone who identifies as polyamorous, I can tell you confidently that we don’t like it when people wrongfully conflate the two terms.

Polygamy is specifically when one man marries multiple women or vice-a-versa. Typically, however, it refers to the former, whereas polyandry would refer to when one woman has multiple husbands. Polygamy is rooted in a toxic patriarchy, where the man exerts his dominance over women, whereas polyamory (when done correctly) is egalitarian. That’s why individuals in polyamorous relationships typically loathe the conflation between the two.

Hierarchical polyamory

A specific subset of polyamory, those in hierarchical poly actually have a ranking system among their relationships. At the top is the person’s primary partner. Usually those practicing hierarchical poly live with that person, share resources, make decisions together, and they’ve been partners for a long period of time. Secondary partners are, well, secondary. They tend to get less time and resources from their partner. Primary partners also may have “veto power” prohibiting their partner from dating or seeing a specific person.

Many polyamorous folks aren’t fans of hierarchical poly because who wants to be considered a second or third priority? In the past, I know I’ve explained to folks that I have a boyfriend, but also date other people, which, in my mind, illustrates the same notion of hierarchical poly without the formality. However, folks who prefer hierarchical poly like the fact that there are clear expectations that come with the hierarchy, which can make the relationship(s) easier. If there’s ever a conflict, everyone knows the main person will side with his or her primary partner. That’s to be expected.

“Having a hierarchical poly relationship may be attractive in all the large parts it entails,” explains Engle. “You have a primary partner—one you can come home to and have a solid, ‘normal’ life with, as well as a secondary partner you can date, love, and have an entirely different kind of relationship with. It also helps to combat jealousy by knowing that if you’re the primary partner, you’re going to be the most important person in their life.”

Polyfidelity

Last but certainly not least is polyfidelity, where you have a romantic and sexual relationship where all members are considered equal partners and agree to limit sexual and romantic activities to only those in the group. People will also simply call this a “closed triad” or “closed quad” depending how many people are in the polyfidelitous relationship.

“People often think if you’re in a triad, you must be open to [dating and sleeping with] everyone, and this simply isn’t the case. It may be in some triads, but certainly not all,” explains Engle.

So, which type of ethically non-monogamous relationship is right for you?

Each ethical non-monogamous relationship style has its strengths and weakness, which is why it’s necessary to discuss with your partner what it is specifically you’re looking to get out of a being romantically and or/sexually involved with others. If you’re looking to spice up your sex life but you feel fulfilled romantically—perhaps swinging or a monogamish relationship would suits you best. If you have so much love to give and want to bring in another person to love and support, perhaps a polyfidelity or another form of polyamory is right for you and your partner(s).

“Since poly relationships are so outside of the ‘normal’ relationship styles we accept as a society, a lot of couples, triads, and individuals are in a position to create their own terms and agreements,” says Engle. “It isn’t like sexual monogamy, wherein two people are expected to default to total emotional and sexual monogamy. There are layers and grey areas in polyamory that are being negotiated between all parties involved.”

With ethical non-monogamy, things can also change over time. What starts as an open relationship can evolve into a polyamorous one. Or, after years of being polyamorous, you and your partner can decide you’d like to go back to being monogamous, or something else entirely. The key is being open about what it is you want and embracing all the beautiful changes that may influence your relationship as both you and your partner(s) grow together over time.

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Sexuality Terminology

Someone who experiences little or no sexual attraction to others and / or has a lack of interest in sexual relationships or behaviour. Different to being celibate. Often shortened to ‘ace’.

Someone who is emotionally, romantically and / or sexually attracted to people of their gender and other genders. This attraction does not have to experienced equally across all genders. Often shorted to ‘bi’. Whilst similar to pansexual, they involve different histories and associated communities.

Someone who is emotionally, romantically and / or sexually attracted to people regardless of their gender or sex. This attraction does not have to experienced equally across all genders. Often shorted to ‘pan’. Whilst similar to bisexual, they involve different histories and associated communities.

Someone who experiences little or no romantic attraction to others and / or has a lack of interest in romantic relationships or behaviour.

Someone who only experiences sexual attraction after they have established an emotional or romantic bond with a person.

Someone who is emotionally, romantically and / or sexually attracted to members of the same gender and / or sex. Can also be used as an umbrella term for those who don’t identify as straight or heterosexual.

Someone who is involved in emotional, romantic and / or sexual relationships with multiple partners, with the consent of all those involved. Can take many forms and is different to ‘open relationships’

An umbrella term that can describe anyone who is not straight and / or cisgender or anyone who does not find their identity under a single label or labels.

A woman who is emotionally, romantically and / or sexually attracted to other women.

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Study finds consensual nonmonogamy a ‘healthy’ option

by Jeffrey Renaud

Consensual nonmonogamy within a relationship showed only positive outcomes on life satisfaction and relationship quality for the primary partners in a romantically involved couple—leading researchers to believe it to be healthy, viable relationship option.

“Consensual nonmonogamy relationships and those who practice them are often stigmatized,” Psychology professor Samantha Joel said. “Monogamous relationships are generally assumed to be of higher quality than non-monogamous ones, even among consensually nonmonogamous individuals.”

Not so, according to Joel and her collaborators at York University and the University of Utah.

For the first-of-its-kind study, the team recruited people interested in consensual nonmonogamy but had not yet engaged in it and observed them over a two-month period as they ‘opened up’ their relationships.

“We found no differences in or well-being before versus after people opened up,” said Joel, who serves as director of Western’s Relationships Decisions Lab. “There were also no differences found when we compared people who did versus those who did not open up their over the course of the study.”

According to the study, those who engaged in consensual nonmonogamy experienced significant increases in sexual satisfaction, particularly if they did so with the explicit goal of addressing sexual incompatibilities within their relationships.

The study, “A Prospective Investigation of the Decision to Open Up a Romantic Relationship,” was recently published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science.

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9 Of The Best Bits Of Relationship Advice We Got From Experts In 2021

By Sarah Regan

For couples who’ve navigated the past year successfully, consider that a major win. Just like 2020, the year 2021 was another case of unpredictability, trials, and tribulations. Without recounting everything that’s gone down in the past year, the point is, there’s no doubt it put relationships to the test.

With buzzwords like “gaslighting” and “codependency” hitting the mainstream, it would appear more and more people are waking up to unhealthy relationship dynamics—and healthy ones—in an effort to improve their relationships.

So, we rounded up some of the best pieces of relationship advice we heard from experts this year so couples can continue to flourish in 2022.

Never stop dancing with each other.

“Dancing is attunement. With dancing, there’s a nonverbal attunement to the rhythm of another, the body of another, the motion of another. It is the one thing you cannot do and be [sad] at the same time. You can paint and cry; you can write and cry; you can listen to music and weep, but you can’t dance and weep. It energizes you. It enlivens you. I’ve spent hours watching elderly couples dance together, and it is grace; it is elegant; it is erotic; it is alive.”

—Esther Perel, psychotherapist and world-renowned relationship expert

One of the best things you can do in your relationship is find the balance between connection and autonomy.

“The two central drives for human beings are autonomy (control of our individuality) and attachment (urge for relationship). Healthy maturation means that we are able to achieve both of these and balance them in our lives. The ability to balance our needs for autonomy and attachment is called differentiation. Differentiation is a biological process that occurs in all species. For humans, it is about becoming more of an individual and a solid person through relationships with others. It is the ability to separate ourselves from others. Differentiation allows us to feel our own subjective reality—bodies, emotions, and thoughts—as separate from another person while being in relationship with another person.”

—Jordan Dann, MFA, L.P., CIRT, licensed psychoanalyst

Yes, there are some instances when you can be friends with an ex—but not always.

“Being friends with your ex can be a good idea when other aspects of the relationship were valuable to your growth, development, or life goals. If you and your ex identify that you make better business partners, workout buddies, or friends, and you are able to maintain healthy boundaries with each other, then creating an authentic friendship could work. If you discover that you or your ex are unable to maintain boundaries with each other, then you should cut ties. If you truly want to move on and find that your ex is still occupying the romantic space that your future partner should have access to, then it’s a good idea to cut things off completely with your ex.”

—Weena Cullins, LCMFT, licensed marriage therapist

Stop stressing about how much you have sex, and focus on how much intimacy you have.

“The point of sex, from my point of view, is to share pleasure with your partner and to feel connected in the process. Spend intimate time together, without pressure to hit a goal or do a certain thing. Sex is like going to the playground. It’s the outing that counts, not whether you go down the slide. We don’t need an agenda; we can get inspired in the moment and do what we feel like doing. The truth is that you literally cannot fail. Any shared outing like that is a success.”

—Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., certified sex therapist and marriage counselor

Cultivating “aperture awareness” can help deepen your connection and resolve arguments faster.

“The problem with all of these ways of dealing with conflict is that they lack an awareness of what’s actually happening for you and your partner in the present. That’s where aperture awareness comes in. During conflict, begin to pay attention in each moment as you interact with your partner. Notice your sense of openness, or closedness, also known as your emotional aperture. Aperture awareness is a felt sensation. Just as we do not ‘see’ by consciously thinking about the information our eyes absorb, we do not become aware of our emotional openness through thought and analysis. Rather, we learn to feel it, to become aware of it, and then to pay close and careful attention. Simply asking yourself, ‘Do I feel open or closed right now?’ directs your attention to this felt experience. With practice, the experience of aperture awareness becomes more accessible.”

—Kathryn Ford, M.D., licensed psychotherapist

Understand the difference between love and limerence.

“With limerence, you may find yourself hyper-focusing on the subject of your affection (the limerent object) and their positive characteristics to the point of ignoring existing flaws and directing your intense, irrational emotions toward the idea of what they represent for you instead of who that person actually is in reality. Love is rooted in connection, intimacy, mutuality, and reality, whereas limerence is rooted in possession, obsession, jealousy, and delusions. The version you may have built about the person is simply a glorified and exaggerated fantasy made specifically to represent the fulfillment of [your] unmet needs. The preoccupation with them can result in a significant decrease of functionality in your other relationships and responsibilities.”

—Silva Depanian, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist

Show appreciation for each other every single day.

“Every successful company has a foundational commitment to ensuring that the people who are part of the culture feel seen, heard, and valued. People choose to continue to work in an environment where they know they have an impact, and the only way they know they have an impact is because someone told them so. In relationships, a robust appreciation practice is a tremendous way to ward off resentment and criticism. Making daily deposits of appreciation into the bank account of your relationship will also develop a culture of goodwill and high regard. The daily appreciations you offer your partner will create a reserve of generosity and trust, which will serve your partnership during inevitable moments of conflict.”

—Jordan Dann, MFA, L.P., CIRT, licensed psychoanalyst

If you struggle with codependency, focus on releasing attachment.

“Releasing attachment to outcome requires a willingness to tolerate the unknown and live with uncertainty. It’s critical to practice this regularly when you’re trying to overcome codependency. Part of what maintains the cycle of codependent behaviors is the fear of disappointing someone whose opinion matters to you, or of being ‘disliked.’ Releasing outcome simply means learning to tolerate the possibility of disappointing important others in your life. Yes, you may disappoint people. Yes, they may temporarily have negative feelings toward you. You don’t have to be happy about this possibility, but you do need to practice tolerating it, so you can be freer to be you.”

—Alicia Muñoz, LPC, certified couples’ therapist

Make a conscious effort to stay curious about your partner and continue getting to know them.

“We have this almost conceit that we know exactly how they’re going to behave in a given situation. There’s some beauty in accepting the ‘unknowableness’ of somebody and priming yourself to look for what’s different about that person rather than retreating into, ‘I know what they’re going to do, I know the end of this movie.’ Instead of looking for what you know, look for something that’s different about them in some way.”

—Samantha Boardman, M.D., positive psychiatrist

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5 Ways the COVID-19 Pandemic Has Changed Our Sex Lives and Relationships

By Kasandra Brabaw

There’s been a lot of speculation about how the COVID-19 pandemic would change our sex lives. At first, when people thought they were facing just a couple of weeks at home, there were predictions of a new baby boom. The assumption was that lots of people would spend their newfound free time having hot, passionate sex.

Then, when it became clear that quarantine would last a long time (and the pandemic would have a devastating impact), predictions of a divorce boom started rolling in — for the first time ever, people were stuck inside with their spouses, and maybe their children, without an escape. Surely that would lead to a lot of breakups. Finally, we had “hot vax summer.” Once the vaccines started rolling out, we once again predicted that people would use their relative freedom to start hooking up all the time.

But none of this actually happened. New data from theNational Coalition for Sexual Health and the Kinsey Institute looks at how American sex lives actually changed in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic. For one, instead of igniting sexual fires, the pandemic cooled many of us way down. But it also seems to have strengthened relationships and encouraged sexual exploration.

Here are some of the ways our sex lives have changed since March of 2020:

1. People are having less sex overall

The survey finds that over half of Americans aged 18-35 reported sexual difficulties during the pandemic, including low sexual interest, mismatched sex drives with their partners, and trouble orgasming.

These results aren’t too surprising. There are a couple of big reasons people may have had less sex than they did pre-pandemic. For one, couples may have simply had less opportunity, says Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute who led the survey and data analysis. The prediction that everyone would have lots of sex, overlooked couples who had children at home. With everyone home all the time and no way to get childcare, parents were likely hard-pressed to find time for sex. People who were in long-distance relationships also lost opportunities for partnered, in-person sex, as did people who were single.

But perhaps the biggest reason people saw a dip in libido or trouble orgasming is the stress and uncertainty COVID-19 caused across the world, says Raegan McDonald-Mosley, MD, an OB/GYN and CEO of Power to Decide. For a lot of people, stress and anxiety are big libido killers, and the pandemic gave us many, many reasons to be stressed. Millions of people lost jobs, many became part-time teachers in addition to stay-at-home parents, and all of us had to worry about ourselves or someone we love getting sick. So even though coupled up people had more time with their partners, they weren’t necessarily in the mood for sex.

“People’s focus was on survival, especially at the beginning when there was so much uncertainty about the level of infectiousness of the virus and how to protect yourself,” Dr. McDonald-Mosley says. Instead of sexual pleasure, many of us focused on basic needs.

2. Instead of a baby boom, there was a baby bust

The baby boom prediction isn’t exactly a new one. Anytime there’s a big storm that forces people to stay home for a while, people speculate about an influx of births. The logic makes sense—there’s a chance people will have more sex when stuck at home and, statistically, more sex should equal more babies. But this prediction ignores both the libido-killing stress of the pandemic and the existence of very effective contraceptives.

“If you look at the reasons why people have sex, having sex to have a baby is actually one of the least common reasons,” Dr. Lehmiller says. And it became even less common during the pandemic. Birth rates in the U.S. declined after the pandemic was declared a national emergency. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), there were 763 fewer births each day in December 2020 than there were in December 2019. With hospitals packed with COVID-19 patients, fears of catching the virus, and economic reasons like job loss, it’s not hard to see why couples would purposefully delay having a baby during the pandemic.

3. Couples are communicating more

Not everything about the way COVID-19 changed our relationships was doom and gloom. In fact, the data imply that many couples learned how to communicate more effectively during the pandemic. Instead of the predicted divorce boom, people figured out how to make their relationships work.

“The pandemic really tested people in ways they hadn’t been tested before,” Dr. Lehmiller says. “And it prompted a lot of people to have more meaningful conversations about their relationships and what they want.”

The survey showed that 47 percent of people in relationships increased their communication with partners to deal with sexual problems, as opposed to only 15 percent of singles. Of course, there were still breakups and divorces, but the overall trend for relationships was surprisingly positive. “It suggests that our relationships are more resilient than we give them credit for,” Dr. Lehmiller says.

Because society places so much shame on sex drive, whether you think yours is too low or too high, it can be really difficult to talk about your sexual desires or problems you notice in your sex life. It’s wonderful to see more couples speaking candidly. If you’re interested in talking to your partner or future partners about sex, the National Coalition for Sexual Health has put together a guide to thinking through sexual concerns and having the conversation.

4. People are exploring sex toys, lube, and kinks

One other silver lining for many couples, and some singles, was a push toward sexual exploration. The data shows that many people tried sex toys for the first time during the pandemic. “People got more sexually exploratory in a lot of ways,” Dr. Lehmiller says. Couples who could easily be together explored new forms of pleasure as well as having sex in new positions or new places, while singles tried virtual solutions like sexting and phone sex.

Those who tried new things were more likely to report improvement in their sex lives than those who didn’t, Dr. Lehmiller says. The data show that among people in relationships, 42 percent reported more satisfying sex lives during the pandemic, compared to 20 percent of singles. This may indicate that sexual exploration can be an adaptive way to maintain a healthy sex life during a stressful time, according to Dr. Lehmiller. Sometimes the solution is as simple as trying a new way or place to have sex or using lube or a sex toy for the first time.

5. Online dating is on the rise

As much as we hear about online dating, most Americans still haven’t tried it. As of 2020, only about one in three Americans had ever dated online, Dr. Lehmiller says. Yet, the pandemic likely added fuel to the trend. Dr. Lehmiller’s data finds that many people tried online dating for the first time during the pandemic.

“One of the things we saw in our Kinsey Institute data was that the nature of online dating is different now than it was before,” he says. People are having longer, more meaningful and intimate conversations online. Prior to the pandemic, many people used dating apps as a way to find someone to date, send a few messages, and meet up in person as soon as possible.

Now, people are taking the time to really get to know someone online first. There’s a rise also in virtual dates, which helps them test the waters before meeting someone in person. A virtual date has the benefit of being totally free and giving you an easy escape if you need it. “So I think the model for relationships going forward is shifting,” Dr. Lehmiller says. He sees a future where many people use virtual dates as a step between connecting online and meeting in person.

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