Category: Intimacy

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Is Having Too Many Followers a Turnoff?

— Some women with jobs that require a high degree of visibility online say they have faced romantic rejection over the high number of their social media followers.

In response to snide comments from men, Sara Zeljkovic did the nearly unthinkable in the age of social media: She pared down her own follower count.

By Gina Cherelus

A few years ago, Sara Zeljkovic, a 25-year-old living in Toronto, started working to build her social media presence on TikTok and Instagram, assuming that having more followers was better.

Ms. Zeljkovic, freshly single after the end of an eight-year relationship, began posting more content, typically about beauty and travel, and gained traction, ultimately resulting in about 14,000 followers on TikTok and, she said, around 5,000 followers on Instagram. That’s when things changed.

While she was chatting with a man over drinks last year, the would-be date took issue with her follower count.

“He was like, ‘Oh, that’s such a red flag, you’re such a cool girl,’” she recalled. When he said it was “a shame” that she had so many followers, she added, “I almost spit my drink out.”

How does having a career that requires hypervisibility online — public relations, influencing, vlogging — affect a woman’s dating life? Is there a certain kind of man who is turned off by hustle, who finds a follower count in the thousands to be a deal breaker?

Having a sizable following on Instagram or TikTok can come with perks: internet fame, free products, sponsored trips. It’s little wonder that in 2019, about 54 percent of young Americans said they would become an influencer if given the opportunity, and nearly 90 percent said they would be willing to post sponsored content for money, according to a report by Morning Consult.

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Much as the idea of dating a “podcast bro” can be a turnoff for some women, the prejudice can work against women who also have public online platforms. Among men who have described such feelings online, the reasons vary: Some are insecure, worried that she might have other suitors in her DMs. Others enjoy their privacy and would rather not have their lives be mined for content.

Tyrese Dominique, a social media manager in Boston, said that although he would have no issue dating a woman with a lot of social media followers, he sympathized with many of his friends who would.

“I understand it, because if they have their own insecurity and they know that they can’t stop themselves from having that insecurity and having it affect their relationship with that person, it’s best that they don’t even try to force themselves,” he said.

After receiving one too many snippy comments from men about having far too many Instagram followers, Ms. Zeljkovic spent about two days in July pruning her following, ultimately bringing the count down to around 1,600. She also made her profile private, explaining that she had been told it was “a turnoff if a girl has an open profile.”

She said a culmination of factors led to her decision, including one time when she shared her Instagram handle with a man, and he was immediately scared off: “He was like, ‘Oh, like, you’re too big time for me.’”

“After I got home that night, I was just so fed up of hearing this,” Ms. Zeljkovic said. “Like, this was already eight or nine times I gave a guy my Instagram, and he made a comment.”

Christina Mantas, a community outreach coordinator, said that having more than 4,000 followers on Instagram has been enough to deter men. She has kept her Instagram public for about the last five years to network and to promote events she hosts for the various nonprofit organizations she works with. She said that her social media profile had become an issue while dating.

“There are some guys that will take me on a really nice date, and then they want me to post about it — like a public thank you of some sort — and I’m not comfortable to share that I’m spending time with them yet,” she said. “And then other guys freak out completely because they don’t want to be on my Instagram page.”

On a recent scroll through the dating app Hinge, Ms. Mantas, 36, came across a man who said he was looking for a woman with 1,000 Instagram followers or fewer. She said another man had told her that because of her frequent travels and food content, he wouldn’t be able to adequately provide for someone with her standards.

Shari DuBois, as seen in a TikTok video. She has long black hair and a gold watch and is looking in the distance toward her right.
Shari DuBois says that part of the reason some men are put off by influencers is that they assume “everything is going to be content.”

For Shari DuBois, a rapper and songwriter in Philadelphia, not immediately trading social media handles with dating prospects is one way she has managed to avoid the problems that can come with being a single woman with thousands of followers online.

Currently, Ms. DuBois is seeing a man she met on Facebook Dating, but she has not made him privy to her Instagram or TikTok, where she has 10,000 and 12,000 followers.

In her last two relationships, social media became “a bit of an issue.” So now, she goes out of her way to not exchange social media accounts with new men she meets so that they can first get to know her.

Some people who see the number of followers she has might assume she is receiving hundreds of thirsty DMs a day, she said. “That’s not the case,” she added. “I think people are also under the assumption that, like, everything is going to be content.”

However, Ms. DuBois admits that she’d prefer a man who didn’t have a high following on social media. For example, she “celebrated” the fact that her ex-boyfriend had 200 followers.

“I guess maybe some of the same assumptions that they might have for me, I may have for them,” she said.

Ms. Zeljkovic, who is currently in Serbia visiting family, recently started monetizing her TikTok content, which is still public. She said she sometimes felt waves of regret for going private on Instagram and for downsizing her following, adding that she might reverse course eventually.

“Right now, while I’m still single and trying to date and traveling back in my home country and stuff, it’s better to keep it like this until I get someone on lock,” she said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Ethical non-monogamy

— What to know about these often misunderstood relationships

By

Imagine Sarah and John have been in a monogamous relationship for five years. Although they love each other, Sarah, who is bisexual, has recently started feeling an attraction to her coworker, Andrea. This has led to several sexual encounters, leaving Sarah feeling guilty. However, she has not talked to John about her feelings or experiences with Andrea.

No matter how much you love your partner, it’s common to feel attracted to someone outside of a relationship. Some couples may even want sexual encounters with other people. It can be difficult to navigate these feelings, especially when they conflict with the commitment and promises made in the relationship. While the sex between Sarah and Andrea was consensual, Sarah engaged in non-consensual sex by stepping outside of her monogamous relationship without John’s consent.

There is growing curiosity about ethical or consensual non-monogamous relationships, particularly among young people. YouGov data found that 43% of millennial Americans say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous, even if few are in such a relationship. And a survey commissioned by sex toy brand Lelo, found that 28% of aged 18 to 24 would consider an open relationship.

What makes non-monogamy “ethical” is an emphasis on agreed, ongoing consent and mutual respect. All parties involved are fully aware of the situation and voluntarily agree to participate. Partners are free to change their minds at any time and (re)negotiate boundaries that work for everyone involved. Ethical non-monogamy can take many forms, including polyamory, open relationships and swinging.

These relationships are often stigmatised and misunderstood. They challenge the traditional notion of monogamy, which is commonly viewed in most western and religious societies as the only acceptable way of engaging in romantic relationships.

Yet research has shown that consensual non-monogamy can have positive effects on relationships and the people in them. People in consensual non-monogamous relationships have reported higher levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction and greater relational intimacy than people in monogamous relationships.

Misconceptions and stigma

One stigmatising view is that people in non-monogamous relationships pose a greater risk to their partners’ sexual health. This is based on the assumption that having multiple sexual partners increases the likelihood of sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

However, research shows that people in open and non-monogamous relationships have safer sex practices than monogamous, but unfaithful partners. Ethical non-monogamy can be a safer outlet for sexual expression compared with monogamous relationships that have led to cheating where someone ends up passing an STI to their partner.

In healthy relationships, partners recognise that each person has their own unique sexual preferences and diverse needs. For consensually non-monogamous partners, this means understanding that their primary relationship may not always fulfil all their sexual desires.

Although jealousy can still exist within non-monogamous relationships, research has found that it can be more manageable than in monogamous ones. This is because, in secure non-monogamous partnerships, there are open discussions about sexual attraction and setting boundaries, where partners can address jealousy anxiety.

Exploring non-monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy is not for everyone. You should only explore this type of relationship if it feels comfortable, you seek appropriate consent and the existing relationship is solid. Outsiders often hold the stereotypical view that people only engage in ENM if their current relationship is unstable.

If you decide that it’s right for you, keep the following in mind.

1. Communicate openly

Communication is important in any relationship, but especially critical in ENM relationships. Partners must be transparent and honest about their intentions, feelings, expectations and boundaries. People in non-monogamous relationships need to be aware of their emotional boundaries and be prepared to navigate feelings of jealousy.

2. Practice safe sex

Sexual health is key regardless of your relationship status or style. Get tested regularly for STIs and to use protection during sexual encounters to minimise the risk of transmission.

3. Stop shame

Managing stigma is one of the most difficult parts of an ENM relationship. When people are socialised to believe that having multiple partners is wrong or immoral, this can lead to feelings of shame and self-doubt. It is important to recognise that consensually non-monogamous and multipartnered relationships are a valid lifestyle choice. You can seek support from like-minded people or talk to a sex and relationship therapist if necessary.

While non-monogamy is not everyone’s cup of tea, these tips can be helpful for any relationship. Ultimately, it is essential to keep communication, consent and respect at the heart of your partnership.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Can I Set and Actually Maintain a Boundary?

— We all know the theory. But the importance of setting boundaries is real.

By Hannah Shewan Stevens

Boundaries protect our well-being and foster functional and healthy relationships, but to be effective, the foundation has to be applied correctly.

Those who were raised without the education of psychologists on TikTok may be used to people crossing lines in our lives while thinking nothing of it. So the idea of setting and maintaining boundaries with people may feel alien.

But it’s never too late to learn how to “throw down a boundary.”

What are boundaries?

“Boundaries, simply put, are what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to our treatment,” said Michelle Elman, a London-based life coach and author of “The Selfish Romantic.” “We need them in all areas of our life in order to know our identity, honor our needs and stand up for ourselves.”

Boundaries apply in all spheres of life and act as a verbal shield for our physical, emotional, sexual and relationship needs.

“Physical boundaries relate to your physical space and personal touch,” said Pippa Murphy, a London-based sex and relationship expert for Condoms.UK. “Examples of physical boundaries include not allowing people to invade your personal space, not tolerating unwanted physical touch and being clear about your comfort level with displays of affection.”

‘Boundaries, simply put, are what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to our treatment.’

Potential emotional boundaries could encompass limiting the information you share with new people or restricting what topics you are comfortable joking about. Time boundaries help maintain a strict separation between work and leisure time.

“Relationship boundaries relate to how you interact with others in your relationships,” she added. “Examples of relationship boundaries include being clear about what you will and will not tolerate in terms of behavior, not allowing others to control or manipulate you, and being clear about your own needs and expectations in the relationship.”

Digital boundaries refer to your use of technology and social media. These could include not responding to work emails outside of work hours, limiting what personal information you share online and how much time you spend on social media.

Identifying your boundaries

Not everyone’s boundaries look identical; therefore, it’s crucial to ask yourself: What are mine?

Don’t apply someone else’s rulebook to your own life out of convenience.

“Take note of when you feel uncomfortable or uneasy in a situation,” Murphy explained. “What were the circumstances? What was it about the situation that made you feel uncomfortable? Next, pay attention to how you react in these situations, as your body and mind are likely to have given you physical or emotional cues that your boundaries were crossed.”

Focus on what’s important to you because understanding your core values will make it easier to set boundaries that align with your life.

“All of this will help you identify your own boundaries, but it’s important to be patient with yourself when setting your first boundary, as it can be an ongoing process of trial and error,” Murphy noted. “You may need to adjust your boundaries as you go along, and that’s OK. It’s part of the process of finding out what your real boundaries are.”

Communicating your boundaries to others

Communicating boundaries is fundamental. If they only live in your head, others won’t know they’ve crossed a line.

“It’s OK to be scared, have nerves or feel awkward,” Elman said. “You are doing something new for the first time. Set the boundary anyway. Your feelings are valid but they should not dictate your behavior. Say something rather than saying nothing.”

No one needs to know a boundary’s origin to respect it, so don’t feel pressured to divulge details. Be honest, succinct and direct when communicating your boundary.

“Use ‘I’ statements to communicate your feelings and needs,” Murphy recommended. “For example, ‘I need some alone time right now’ or ‘I don’t like being hugged.'”

Be specific about where the conversation happens. At work, it may require a formal meeting and an advocate. If it’s sexual, the discussion should take place away from the distraction of the bedroom.

“When you have built up your practice in easier situations, more challenging situations will feel less of a challenge,” Elman said. “Respond to other people’s boundaries how you would like other people to respond to yours.”

Dealing with broken or disrespected boundaries

“The two main feelings will be anger and resentment, and these will tell you that your boundaries have been crossed,” Elman explained. “Once you have noticed that, you can take action and do something about it. The word no is the first and simplest boundary to learn. If you can’t use your no, then your yes has no power either.”

Respond when someone breaks or disrespects a boundary. Silence is often read as acceptance, so re-establish your boundaries firmly and unapologetically.

“By reinforcing it, you are telling the person you are serious about your boundary and when you add a consequence, you need to follow through on that consequence,” she added. “If you do not feel safe to be assertive, then that’s a room you should get yourself out of as soon as possible.”

A consequence may look like restricting contact with a person, such as removing them from your social media account, for example, if they shared imagery without your consent.

Maintaining boundaries in the long-term

Boundaries are never finished. They expand, update and evolve over time, often unpredictably. Don’t get lax; pay attention by prioritizing making regular check-ins, Murphy suggested.

“Ask yourself questions such as, ‘Do I feel comfortable with this boundary?’ ‘Does this boundary align with my values and beliefs?’ and ‘Has anything changed that might affect how I feel about this boundary?'” she said. “Pay attention to your emotions as you reflect on the boundary.”

When checking a boundary, you don’t need to seek change, but you do need to explore whether its limits need an update. As when we’re setting a boundary, if one needs to evolve, your emotions will tell you. Listen to them.

“Think about your needs and priorities in the situation,” Murphy said. “Does the boundary help you feel safe, respected or valued? Or does it hinder your ability to connect with others or achieve your goals? Consider how the boundary fits into your overall needs and priorities. Based on your reflection, emotions and needs, decide if you need to take any action to adjust the boundary.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Happens When You End Up With the Wrong Person in a Polyamorous Relationship?

— When it comes to affairs of the heart, we are all beginners. Some of us, however, at least speak with authority. Introducing Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue (2021) and the forthcoming Love in Exile (2025), whose advice caught our eye.

Francesco Morandini’s The Three Graces, 1544-1597, Uffizi Gallery.

By Shon Faye

Dear Shon,

I am in a long-term and loving relationship with my partner of almost seven years. We live together and share a fun, happy, and fulfilling life together. We tried polyamory last year, and I fell in love with someone new and was in a relationship with that person for about 10 months. I fell really hard and fast and deep. I had only ever been in love with my partner before meeting this new person. I could see a future with them, and we slotted into each other’s lives. I was totally besotted. It felt so romantic and big.

Then they broke up with me. They said they didn’t want our relationship to end but they couldn’t see a way for it to move forward that would work for them. They wanted things that I couldn’t give them. We have been broken up for three months, and I am miserable. I have been as open as I can be with my primary partner, and we are managing. I have started new hobbies, met new people, slept, cried, eaten well, stayed hydrated, listened to sad music, talked about it with friends. I have been sober since breaking up. I have been looking after myself. And I am miserable.

What should I do? Is this a choice between two lovers? Or should I fight for them back (when I’m not sure I can give them what they need)?

In heartbreak,

S

Dear S,

The solution to your problem is simple for me to explain, though not easy for you to bear. You’re so devastated because you’re learning one of the most painful lessons there is to learn: that the presence of love is not the only requirement for a relationship to work. Sometimes, an overwhelming passion for another person and an intensity of feeling and connection to them that seems life altering leads absolutely nowhere. You are ruminating over your hopes and fantasies when you were falling for this person—it all seemed to be pointing toward something exciting and transformative. Your life felt elevated and gleamed with potential. Then it just ended. It sucks. I can tell you from experience that ending a relationship under these circumstances feels like burying something still alive so that it can slowly die, shrivel, and decay in the darkness. The imagery I am using is a touch dramatic but only because withdrawing from love is an experience of extremes and, when you’re in it, can honestly feel like a matter of life and death.

I think the fact that this occurred within the context of polyamory is less important, actually. It can and does happen every day to people who are monogamous. If you have only ever loved your primary partner until now and that love progressed to a relationship of many years, you haven’t had the experience of releasing someone in the midst of infatuation because you’re simply not compatible. I wish someone sat us down as teenagers and told us about how important compatibility is. Then again, who would listen as it all sounds so terribly boring: timing, values, financial aspirations, religion, ethics, desires for children, location. Turns out that cumulatively they all matter far more than chemistry and passion in the long term.

You probably know some of this because of your existing partner. They are familiar to you; the love you have for them is perhaps quieter, more consistent, more reliable—even a little boring. That’s what a lot of long-term relationships are—a decision every day to share the mundanity of life. There can still be joys and surprises, but they’re slower and subtler. They will never be as dramatic and grandiose as the thoughts and feelings we experience in the early stages of infatuation, when we have a blank canvas to paint all of our greatest fantasies onto someone new. It’s unsustainable. If you’re still thinking in epic, cinematic terms after a year or two, it’s probably a sign the relationship is dysfunctional.

This isn’t a choice between two lovers because you say you aren’t dissatisfied with your first partner—you are just desperately looking for a way to hold on to the new love, and so your mind keeps presenting this as an ultimatum: End your current relationship and chase a dream, or feel this pain forever. In reality, leaving your current partner would very much risk adding another heartbreak to this scenario and is no guarantee you would make it work with this new person. Fighting for them may work for a month or two, but breakups happen for a reason.

You’re doing all the right things for getting over heartbreak—make sure too that you do not follow this person on social media or maintain contact with them. It is brutal at first, but it works. One thought I had was about your existing partner and their reaction to all this: I would gently suggest that they cannot be the person who supports you through this grief. Ethical non-monogamy doesn’t mean we lose all feelings of jealousy, pain, or resentment. You need to explain to your partner that you’re trying your best to get over this, but also ask them how they feel and what boundaries they may need. It’s good to talk to friends about the breakup and accept that, while your partner is concerned about you, they have their own limits. Once, when I was heartbroken and unsure I would ever be happy again, my friend said to me: “Time will do the work for you if you just keep moving through it.” Hang on in there; it will pass.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Exactly Is Vanilla Sex?

— Sex Experts Share Their Takes And Debunk The Biggest Myths

“Vanilla is a delicious flavor.”

By Sabrina Talbert

When you hear the words “vanilla sex,” what do you think? What kinds of adjectives come to mind? If you’re like many people, you might have a generalized or inaccurate perception of what vanilla looks like: Some people assume it’s uninteresting, boring, or only practiced by people of certain age groups, but that’s far from the truth. No matter what social media or TV shows have taught you about vanilla sex, the term actually has a straightforward, useful meaning—and no, it’s not meant to shame people who aren’t particularly kinky.

The word “vanilla” is used in the kink community as a way to distinguish stereotypical sex from kinky, fetishistic, or BDSM environments, says Sarah Melancon, PhD, a sociologist, sexologist, and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com. Having this term is important because it helps differentiate what sex looks like to different people, she explains.

“People [who practice vanilla sex] don’t really call it vanilla sex, they’re calling it sex. They don’t need to designate it, because it’s just what sex is to them,” says Melancon. And, BTW, there’s nothing wrong with that. There are even a few benefits to vanilla sex, but more on that in a moment.

Ahead, experts share insight on what it really means to be vanilla, its benefits, and common misconceptions about this kind of sex.

Meet the Experts:
Sarah Melancon, PhD, is a sociologist, sexologist, and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com.

Gigi Engle is a sex and intimacy expert for 3Fun.

Gloria Brame, PhD, is a sex therapist, board-certified sexologist, and author of Different Loving Too: Real People, Real Lives, Real BDSM.

The definition of vanilla sex can be subjective, but broadly speaking, it’s anything that falls under the umbrella of “normative” sex. “Some people define it as just PIV [penis-in-vagina] intercourse, but most people would expand that to include oral sex as well,” says Gigi Engle, a sex and intimacy expert for 3Fun. “It’s your standard sex, essentially.”

Why “vanilla,” though? ” Etymologists have struggled with its origin, but despite the wrangling, most sex historians agree that the kink world circa 1970s gets the credit for using ‘vanilla’ to refer to conventional sex,” says Gloria Brame, PhD, a sex therapist, board-certified sexologist, and author of Different Loving Too: Real People, Real Lives, Real BDSM.

In the ’70s, flavors like vanilla were used because it was an easy way of explaining how everyone likes different things—not just in the bedroom, but in life. Using a food with many variations, such as ice cream, was easier for people to understand. “By the 1980s,” adds Brame, “the term took hold throughout the rapidly-growing BDSM communities and finally reached mainstream usage.” (The more you know!)

These days, “vanilla” can also refer to what someone may or may not like in the bedroom. “[It’s] sex that isn’t kinky. So if you say you have vanilla sex, what you’re saying is ‘I’m not into kink,’ and there’s nothing wrong with that,” says Engle.

What are some misconceptions about vanilla sex?

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of unnecessary judgement surrounding the idea of vanilla sex, which can result in shame. “People will be embarrassed that they’re vanilla or they’ll say it as if it’s a bad thing,” says Engle. “But vanilla is a delicious flavor! It’s fine if that’s what you want to be.”

Below are some of the most common misconceptions, debunked.

  • It’s boring. Can sex be boring? Absolutely, but the fact that it’s vanilla isn’t what makes it that way. “Any sex that you have repeatedly can become boring. As humans, we crave novelty… changing up the routine is helpful for that,” says Engle. In short, you don’t have to engage in wild, risky, or explosive sex to have a great sex life. You can do something as simple as trying out a new position, bringing in a toy, or even switching up where you have sex.
  • It’s less evolved. Some people feel like vanilla sex is barely scraping the surface of any kind of sex at all. This idea can also stem from the judgment of others, even if the person having vanilla sex is satisfied. “For some people, it is the end point. For others, [vanilla sex] is part of an evolutionary process,” says Melancon. But whether or not vanilla is one of your go-to flavors, “it’s no less evolved than anything else,” she adds.
  • It’s not for queer people. Because of stereotypes around queer sex and the misconception that vanilla sex is just PIV intercourse, many people assume that queer couples don’t engage in vanilla sex. But because vanilla sex is just non-kinky, it’s possible to be queer and prefer vanilla sex, says Engle. “A lot of queer people have basic, queer sex, and it might not even be inclusive of sex toys,” she explains.
  • It’s not pleasurable. Because a lot of people define vanilla sex as straightforward PIV intercourse, there’s a misconception that, within cis-heterosexual dynamics, vanilla sex is less pleasurable for women. But in fact, women are more likely to orgasm during sex when they receive oral, try new sex positions, and engage in deep kissing, according to a 2017 study from Archives of Sexual Behavior—all of which can be incorporated into vanilla sex (and often are).On the flip side, there’s also a widespread idea that men don’t find vanilla sex enjoyable since it might not live up to the performative standards set in porn. This isn’t true: In fact, a lot of the sex highlighted in porn could still be considered vanilla, notes Engle. “Vanilla sex doesn’t always mean passionate and loving. It can still be rough sex and be considered vanilla,” she says.

Ultimately, people of all genders can enjoy and get off from vanilla sex. “Good sex is subjective,” Engle says. “It really depends on the people who are having it and the things they like to do.”

What are the benefits of vanilla sex?

No matter what kind of sex you’re having, the most important thing is that it’s enjoyable. But, if you haven’t had a lot of vanilla sex, there are some possible benefits to giving it a try.

Just the simplicity of engaging in vanilla sex can be an approach to mindfulness in the bedroom, Melancon says. “It’s just you enjoying your ability to feel sexual sensations and enjoying an experience. So I think it can be really intimate,” she adds. “It can help us be more present and feel a different level of connection.”

It may allow people to engage their senses more, says Melancon. For example, you may be able to zone in on the sound of your partner breathing, the scent of their body, or the taste of their mouth.

If you prefer to engage in kinkier sex (which, no shame!), having some vanilla experiences can still help your sex life. “Couples who are very into kink sometimes don’t have time for everything, so it can be beneficial to keep your sexual relationship alive to also have vanilla sex involved,” says Engle. This may also be the case for those with kids or busy lifestyles.

What if my partner and I aren’t on the same page about vanilla sex?

So, one of you prefers vanilla sex and the other is kinkier—while it might seem daunting to address these differences, this is where compromise comes into play. To start, know that sexual compatibility is important. And while people are often told to stick things out when there’s an incompatibility, it’s not something you have to tolerate long-term. “Not being on the same page [sexually] is a legitimate reason to end a relationship,” says Engle. “It’s totally okay to end a relationship if it comes to that, and you can’t find a compromise.”

The good news, though, is that it’s possible to compromise in a way that leaves all parties happy and satisfied, according to Engle and Melancon. As long as there’s a good degree of overlap in sexual interests and kinks, successful compromise is possible, says Melancon. Being honest with yourself about what you do and don’t like will also help you communicate your sexual desires and boundaries better with your partner.

If you’re not sure how to explore your interests outside of the bedroom with your partner, Engle suggests finding a “yes, no, maybe” list online and taking time to go through what might be on or off the table.

You should also be mindful of when and how you bring up sexual incompatibilities with your partner. “It’s all about timing, tone, and turf,” says Engle. “You want to make sure you’re in a neutral place—not in the bedroom, not in the middle of the work day. Set time aside, sit down in the living room where it’s neutral, and come to the conversation with a really open mind.”

When it’s time to start the conversation, Engle notes that getting your partner’s consent is essential. This can sound like, for example, “Hey babe, sex is important to me and our relationship, and I really want to explore this with you. Are you in a place where you’d be open to having that conversation?” From there, you can exchange interests and work on a compromise together.

So, is there anything wrong with vanilla sex?

No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with vanilla sex. Vanilla sex can be just as rich, intimate, pleasurable, and fulfilling as any other sex. Whether you’re into kink or vanilla, it’s all of equal value, so long as consent and respect are part of the foundation.

“[In a] sex-positive world, we want to be so accepting of everyone. But in the process of that, it can make normative sex look boring or uninteresting,” says Melancon. “There are [many] ‘flavors,’ so to speak… It doesn’t mean that anyone is less than.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Woman in an Open Marriage With a Gay Man

— New York Magazine’s “Sex Diaries” series asks anonymous city dwellers to record a week in their sex lives — with comic, tragic, often sexy, and always revealing results. The column, which began in 2007, is the basis of a new docuseries on HBO.

As told to

This week, a landscape architect goes on a few questionable dates and wonders how to zhuzh up her sex life: 45, married, New York.

DAY ONE

6:20 a.m. Our daughter wanders into our room for morning cuddles. My husband, Howie, snuggles with her for a little while. I get up and put coffee on.

7:15 a.m. Our son is now awake. We all have breakfast — cereal and waffles. I pack the kids’ backpacks and Howie takes them to elementary school.

9:30 a.m. Finally, I have a moment to myself and check my phone. Howie and I are in an open marriage. We don’t have a sexual relationship — he mostly sleeps with gay men, and I’m bisexual. We met at a gay bar about eight years ago and became the best of friends. We got pregnant via IVF and then decided to get married and co-parent together because we love each other and wanted to be a family unit. We just outsource our sex lives!

Anyway, Thea, a woman I met on Hinge, has texted about a drink tomorrow night. I have to check my schedule with Howie, so I don’t write back.

2 p.m. I jump in my car and head to the Hamptons for a meeting with a new client. I’m a landscape architect and do projects in the Hamptons and upstate New York, so I’m on the road a lot. On the way, I listen to music — a hip-hop playlist Howie made for me.

6 p.m. The meeting went well. I think they’re going to hire me. I start the drive back to the city.

9 p.m. By the time I get home, the entire house is asleep, including Howie, so I get on the couch and do some flirting on the apps. I confirm a drink with Thea for tomorrow and tell a guy named Paulo that I’d be down for a coffee the next day.

9:30 p.m. It occurs to me that I haven’t had really great sex with anyone in months. My last hookup was with a woman visiting for a week from London. We got drunk on spicy margaritas and went crazy on each other at her hotel room. I need something like that soon and hope Thea or Paulo are good options.

DAY TWO

8 a.m. Get the kids ready for school by myself. Howie had an early meeting. He’s a lawyer. Since we’re in our mid-40s, he’s finally in a position of power and has slightly better hours, but he works for a pretty conservative firm so he’s tight-lipped about our lifestyle.

1 p.m. Drafting a proposal for the Hamptons client. I finally hit “send” and then go to the gym.

3 p.m. From the treadmill, I suggest a few date spots to Thea. She’s younger and is “an artist,” though it’s unclear from her dating profile what that means. I hope she’s not a total hipster or party girl.

6 p.m. Kiss the kids goodnight. Tell Howie to wish me luck and leave the apartment. It’s kind of like we’re roommates — when he knows I’m going on a date, he’s excited for me. There’s no weirdness unless one of us leaves the other with a ton of parenting or chores.

7 p.m. At some bar in Bushwick to meet Thea. I get a drink and check my emails.

7:15 p.m. Thea walks in. She’s adorable. Big smile, beautiful skin, long hair. I’m so glad she’s not a gritty hipster. I’m just not attracted to dirty hair and nose piercings. But she is very young, in her late 20s, which surprises me. I have no idea how I missed that on her dating profile. I kind of feel like her mother.

9 p.m. So far, it’s a good date. I’m attracted to her. We’ve had two drinks each, and we decide to move next door and get some food.

9:30 p.m. We’re eating some overpriced artisanal pizza. When we’re finished, I pay, and we decide to call our Ubers home. We start making out while we wait. It’s wonderful. She’s tender and affectionate. I’m into it, but I decide we can hang out another time and see where things go. Not tonight, I’m getting tired.

10:15 p.m. Crawl into bed. I tell Howie I had fun but I wasn’t super into her. She was a little boring if I’m being honest.

DAY THREE

6 a.m. Daughter is up. I’m hungover. Since Howie did the heavy lifting last night, I handle the morning routine.

8:30 a.m. Drop off the kids. Stop at a café for my second coffee of the morning.

12:30 p.m. I’m visiting a client in Cobble Hill. She’s not happy with a job I did for her last summer, so I’m dreading it.

1:30 p.m. Leave the meeting in a bad mood. Still have a hangover. Sometimes I wonder if this lifestyle is sustainable for Howie and me. He barely goes out anymore because he says he’s content with our home life and has plenty of porn to jerk off to. We’re older now, and I wonder if I’m ready to slow down my sex life too. It feels like I’m at a crossroads.

4 p.m. A long afternoon of invoicing and paperwork.

6 p.m. Head to a drinks event with a hotel brand that always hires me for big jobs. I’m really not looking forward to it, but I can’t blow it off.

7 p.m. On the subway there, Paulo texts about hanging out tonight. I tell him now’s not a good time but maybe at the end of the week. I also see a text from Thea, but I ignore it.

9 p.m. Showed face and schmoozed the hotel people. Now I’m on the train home.

10:30 p.m. I take out my vibrator while pretending to take a shower. Sitting on the bathroom floor, I press it against my underwear, close my eyes, and try to imagine fucking Thea. My mind switches channels and instead, I’m on my stomach, getting railed by an unknown man with a huge cock while I go down on some woman. I come in about 60 seconds. Then I take a shower for real.

DAY FOUR

6 a.m. Up with the kids since Howie handled bedtime.

10:30 a.m. At a client’s house, working. All of my clients are wealthy, but this one is spectacularly wealthy and spectacularly rude. But she pays very well and on time, so I don’t want to bite the hand that feeds me. She truly is a bitch, though.

4:30 p.m. I pick up the kids from their after-school programs and we head home. Howie is going to a work party tonight, so I want to get everyone fed before he takes off.

5 p.m. Start making chicken tortilla soup. I love cooking. I always have a glass of wine while I cook. In these moments, I’m 100 percent satisfied with my life and don’t need anything more.

6 p.m. Everyone eats, then the kids and I send Howie off. He looks so handsome. I feel bad for him at these work parties. He says it’s no big deal hiding his identity, but I wish he’d be more open about his true self. But it’s his business, not mine.

9 p.m. I’m on the couch texting Paulo. He obviously wants to sext. He literally said, “What are you wearing?” So corny.

I write back, “Describe your cock for me?” He asks if I want a picture. I do. He sends one and it’s big, veiny, and kind of scary — but also beautiful in a way. I wonder if it’s his real dick.

He asks if I want to FaceTime. I say no, then put the phone down and watch TV. Howie could be home at any moment, and I don’t want him walking in on me fingering myself to a stranger on the phone. It would just be too embarrassing.

DAY FIVE

7:30 a.m. Howie did the morning shift. Yay. I head to a meeting with my accountant.

Noon: Lunch with my sister, who lives near the accountant. She knows about my lifestyle and doesn’t judge. She’s in a sexless, dull marriage and says she often feels stuck in “Blahsville.” I wish she could just open things up like us, but she says she’s not interested in sex so an open marriage doesn’t appeal to her. That may be true, but it makes me wonder how her husband is getting off. I bet he cheats on her, but I’d never say that out loud.

3 p.m. Paulo wants to meet up. I did like the size and strength of his cock. From our chats, he seems potentially gross, but I’m intrigued. I suggest tomorrow night.

7 p.m. We have family dinner at a restaurant. It’s very fun. My kids are so precious. Howie and I are pretty open with them about our unconventional marriage. I mean, we tell them what their brains can handle, things like “There are lots of different ways to be married. We do it our way, and it’s the best way for us!” I’ll explain the details when they’re older, but I’m not worried about it.

DAY SIX

6 a.m. It’s the weekend! Which means we still wake up at the crack of dawn …

Noon: A morning of soccer and karate classes.

3 p.m. Our kids watch a movie while Howie and I decide what to do tonight. We always get a sitter on Saturdays. Howie plans to meet up with his best friend, who is gay and married and about to have his first child. I tell Howie I might have a drink with Paulo, who has a huge cock and might be a bit sketchy. We both laugh. Howie makes me laugh like no one else can.

7:30 p.m. Paulo picked a cool bar in Tribeca. I walk in a bit late and he’s there. He looks nothing like his dating-app photos. He’s much shorter, fatter, and scuzzier in real life. It’s like night and day. I feel very annoyed by this. Like, come on, dude, do better.

8:30 p.m. He wants to go fuck right away. He suggests the bathroom of the bar and then a hotel room where he’s apparently “a VIP.” Ick! He’s neither charming nor seductive, so after one drink, I hop on a Citi Bike and ride all the way home. I block him the minute I dock the bike.

9 p.m. Sent the sitter home early and took a shower. Had to wash off the ick.

DAY SEVEN

6:30 a.m. Drinking my first cup of coffee. I’m feeling a little blah. I can’t seem to meet someone sexy and cool in real life, my husband is gay, and I’m getting older. Ugh, whatever, just the morning blues, I guess.

12:30 p.m. Take the kids to a birthday party. The mom hosting it is newly divorced and beautiful. She has a masculine edge, and I’m very attracted to her but I never know how to hit on other moms. It’s tricky since it’s in my kids’ orbit.

1 p.m. The birthday mom says something like “Remember when Sundays were all about binge-watching TV and having sex all day?” We both laugh and get pulled away by our kids, but I consider this an interesting sign …

3 p.m. Before I leave the party, she gives me her cell. I feel a vibe but not sure what to make of it. Murky territory.

8:30 p.m. After saying goodnight to the kids, I text the birthday mom to thank her for the party. She writes back, “We should get a drink sometime.” I make myself wait 20 minutes before writing back: “I’d love that.”

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Surviving purity culture

— How I healed a lifetime of sexual shame

By Linda Kay Klein

In the 1990s, a movement born out of the white, American, evangelical Christian church swept the globe: purity culture. They weren’t the first or only fundamentalist religion to sexually shame women & girls. But this time, the message was mainstream, almost cool: women and girls are either pure or impure, depending on their sexuality. Decades later, we’re just starting to grapple with the long-term effects of these teachings. In this deeply intimate talk, Linda Kay Klein shares how she recovered from purity culture’s toxic teaching — and how she helps others do the same.

Linda Kay Klein is the award-winning author of “Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement that Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free.” She is a purity culture recovery coach and the founder and president of Break Free Together, a nonprofit serving individuals recovering from gender- and sexuality-based religious trauma. She has an interdisciplinary Master’s degree in gender, sexuality, and religion from New York University and is a trained Our Whole Lives (OWL) sexuality education facilitator. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community.

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Sex? Sexual intercourse? Neither?

— Teens weigh in on evolving definitions — and habits

By JOCELYN GECKER

Situationships. “Sneaky links.” The “talking stage,” the flirtatious getting-to-know-you phase — typically done via text — that can lead to a hookup.

High school students are having less sexual intercourse. That’s what the studies say. But that doesn’t mean they’re having less sex.

The language of young love and lust, and the actions behind it, are evolving. And the shift is not being adequately captured in national studies, experts say.

For years, studies have shown a decline in the rates of American high school students having sex. That trend continued, not surprisingly, in the first years of the pandemic, according to a recent survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The study found that 30% of teens in 2021 said they had ever had sex, down from 38% in 2019 and a huge drop from three decades ago, when more than half of teens reported having sex.

The Associated Press took the findings to teenagers and experts around the country to ask for their interpretation. Parents: Some of the answers may surprise you.

THE MEANING OF SEX: DEPENDS WHO YOU ASK

For starters, what is the definition of sex?

“Hmm. That’s a good question,” says Rose, 17, a junior at a New England high school.

She thought about it for 20 seconds, then listed a range of possibilities for heterosexual sex, oral sex and relations between same-sex or LGBTQ partners. On her campus, short-term hookups — known as “situationships” — are typically low commitment and high risk from both health and emotional perspectives.

There are also “sneaky links” — when you hook up in secret and don’t tell your friends. “I have a feeling a lot more people are quote unquote having sex — just not necessarily between a man and a woman.”

For teens today, the conversation about sexuality is moving from a binary situation to a spectrum and so are the kinds of sex people are having. And while the vocabulary around sex is shifting, the main question on the CDC survey has been worded the same way since the government agency began its biannual study in 1991: Have you “ever had sexual intercourse?”

“Honestly, that question is a little laughable,” says Kay, 18, who identifies as queer and attends a public high school near Lansing, Michigan. “There’s probably a lot of teenagers who are like, ‘No, I’ve never had sexual intercourse, but I’ve had other kinds of sex.’”

The AP agreed to use teenagers’ first or middle names for this article because of a common concern they expressed about backlash at school, at home and on social media for speaking about their peers’ sex lives and LGBTQ+ relations.

SEXUAL IDENTITY IS EVOLVING

Several experts say the CDC findings could signal a shift in how teen sexuality is evolving, with gender fluidity becoming more common along with a decrease in stigma about identifying as not heterosexual.

They point to another finding in this year’s study that found the proportion of high school kids who identify as heterosexual dropped to about 75%, down from about 89% in 2015, when the CDC began asking about sexual orientation. Meanwhile, the share who identified as lesbian, gay or bisexual rose to 15%, up from 8% in 2015.

“I just wonder, if youth were in the room when the questions were being created, how they would be worded differently,” said Taryn Gal, executive director of the Michigan Organization on Adolescent Sexual Health.

Sex is just one of the topics covered by the CDC study, called the Youth Risk Behavior Survey. One of the main sources of national data about high school students on a range of behaviors, it is conducted every two years and asks about 100 questions on topics including smoking, drinking, drug use, bullying, carrying guns and sex. More than 17,000 students at 152 public and private high schools across the country responded to the 2021 survey.

“It’s a fine line we have to try to walk,” says Kathleen Ethier, director of the CDC’s Division of Adolescent and School Health, which leads the study.

From a methodological standpoint, changing a question would make it harder to compare trends over time. The goal is to take a national snapshot of teenage behavior, with the understanding that questions might not capture all the nuance. “It doesn’t allow us to go as in depth in some areas as we would like,” Ethier says.

The national survey, for example, does not ask about oral sex, which carries the risk of spreading sexually transmitted infections. As for “sexual intercourse,” Ethier says, “We try to use a term that we know young people understand, realizing that it may not encompass all the ways young people would define sex.”

IS LESS TEEN SEX GOOD NEWS?

Beyond semantics, there are a multitude of theories on why the reported rates of high school sex have steadily declined — and what it might say about American society.

“I imagine some parents are rejoicing and some are concerned, and I think there is probably good cause for both,” says Sharon Hoover, co-director of the National Center for School Mental Health at the University of Maryland. Health officials like to see trends that result in fewer teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.

“But what we don’t know is what this means for the trajectory of young people,” Hoover says.

This year’s decrease, the sharpest drop ever recorded, clearly had a lot to do with the pandemic, which kept kids isolated, cut off from friends and immersed in social media. Even when life started returning to normal, many kids felt uncomfortable with face-to-face interaction and found their skills in verbal communication had declined, Hoover said.

The survey was conducted in the fall of 2021, just as many K-12 students returned to in-person classrooms after a year of online school.

Several teens interviewed said that when schools reopened, they returned with intense social anxiety compounded by fears of catching COVID. That added a new layer to pre-pandemic concerns about sexual relations like getting pregnant or catching STIs.

“I remember thinking, ‘What if I get sick? What if I get a disease? What if I don’t have the people skills for this?’” said Kay, the 18-year-old from Michigan. “All those ‘what ifs’ definitely affected my personal relationships, and how I interacted with strangers or personal partners.”

Another fear is the prying eyes of parents, says college student Abby Tow, who wonders if helicopter parenting has played a role in what she calls the “baby-fication of our generation.” A senior at the University of Oklahoma, Tow knows students in college whose parents monitor their whereabouts using tracking apps.

“Parents would get push notifications when their students left dorms and returned home to dorms,” says Tow, 22, majoring in social work and gender studies.

Tow also notices a “general sense of disillusionment” in her generation. She cites statistics that fewer teenagers today are getting driver’s licenses. “I think,” she says, “there is a correlation between students being able to drive and students having sex.”

Another cause for declining sex rates could be easy access to online porn, experts say. By the age of 17, three-quarters of teenagers have viewed pornography online, with the average age of first exposure at 12, according to a report earlier this year by Common Sense Media, a nonprofit child advocacy group.

“Porn is becoming sex ed for young people,” says Justine Fonte, a New York-based sex education teacher. She says pornography shapes and skews adolescent ideas about sexual acts, power and intimacy. “You can rewind, fast forward, play as much as you want. It doesn’t require you to think about how the person is feeling.”

IS THERE AN EVOLVING DEFINITION OF CONSENT?

Several experts said they hoped the decline could be partly attributed to a broader understanding of consent and an increase in “comprehensive” sex education being taught in many schools, which has become a target in ongoing culture wars.

Unlike abstinence-only programs, the lessons include discussion on understanding healthy relationships, gender identity, sexual orientation and preventing unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. Contrary to what critics think, she said, young people are more likely to delay the onset of sexual activity if they have access to sex education.

Some schools and organizations supplement sex education with peer counseling, where teens are trained to speak to each other about relationships and other topics that young people might feel uncomfortable raising with adults.

Annika, 14, is a peer ambassador trained by Planned Parenthood and a high school freshman in Southern California. She’s offered guidance to friends in toxic relationships and worries about the ubiquity of porn among her peers, especially male friends. It’s clear to her that the pandemic stunted sex lives.

The CDC’s 2023 survey, which is currently underway, will show if the decline was temporary. Annika suspects it will show a spike. In her school, at least, students seem to be making up for lost time.

“People lost those two years so they’re craving it more,” she said. She has often been in a school bathroom where couples in stalls next to her are engaged in sexual activities.

Again, the definition of sex? “Any sexual act,” Annika says. “And sexual intercourse is one type of act.”

To get a truly accurate reading of teen sexuality, the evolution of language needs to be taken into account, says Dr. John Santelli, a Columbia University professor who specializes in adolescent sexuality.

“The word intercourse used to have another meaning,” he points out. “Intercourse used to just mean talking.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I’m a Sex Coach in a Monogamish Relationship

— Here’s How I Handle the Fear and Jealousy That Can Come With Non-Monogamy

By Quean Mo

Even if you know wholeheartedly that you want to be non-monogamous, actually engaging in that relationship structure can elicit a variety of complex emotions. At the same time that you feel desire, you might also feel fear and jealousy—and I’ve experienced this firsthand, as both a person in a monogamish relationship (a form of non-monogamy that allows for agreed-upon sex acts outside of an otherwise monogamous relationship) and a sex coach who works with clients looking to navigate the complexities of such relationships.

When my husband James and I first got together eight years ago, it was in a monogamous relationship. But after we built a loving, trusting partnership—one that alleviated the emotional baggage I carried from a prior abusive relationship—I found that I was able to access parts of myself that I’d previously closed off. I discovered that I was a cuckquean (a woman who is aroused by her partner having an affair with another woman) and that I wanted to open up our relationship.

The idea of James sleeping with other women drove me mad with jealousy, and yet that jealousy felt so intensely good. The best way to describe this experience is that, because I felt emotionally secure within my relationship, I could sit in the fiery sensation that jealousy conjures without burning alive; it warmed and exhilarated me rather than consuming me.

The prospect of actually engaging in this fantasy, however, sparked loud, conflicting voices in my head. One voice promised that this lifestyle would make our relationship all the more fulfilling, while the other warned of the opposite. I was fighting with myself, but one feeling remained consistent: I loved James, and I also wanted to explore pleasure beyond ourselves.

Over the past four-plus years together, we’ve done just that, carefully weighing the pros and cons of non-monogamy and crafting a version of it that suits us both. The process has been a gateway to personal and relationship growth and enhanced pleasure. But it certainly hasn’t always been easy or linear.

Mainstream society tends to reinforce a primarily monogamous relationship structure and offers little guidance on anything outside of it, much less the nuanced feelings that non-monogamy can spark.

I’ve noticed non-monogamy becoming increasingly popular, but even so, mainstream society tends to reinforce a primarily monogamous relationship structure that offers little guidance on anything outside of that, much less the nuanced feelings that non-monogamy can spark. Below, I share how I’ve learned to navigate the fear and jealousy that can arise with non-monogamy and the advice I offer clients who aim to do the same.

5 tips to manage fear and jealousy when embracing non-monogamy with a partner

1. Discuss both the upsides of non-monogamy and of your individual relationship

Clear communication is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, but it is especially important when you’re aiming to open up a relationship or fundamentally change its structure. By talking candidly about why you have the desire for a particular version of non-monogamy or a monogamish relationship with a partner, you also have the chance to address the what-ifs, which can help quell fears that arise naturally because of what is still unknown.

Here are a few questions that my husband and I considered when we discussed opening our relationship:

  • What sides of non-monogamy interested me? And why?
  • Was he interested in a monogamish relationship? If so, why?
  • What were our biggest fears when it came to embracing non-monogamy?
  • What role would each of us play?
  • What boundaries needed to be established?

In figuring out how you and a partner could both stand to benefit from non-monogamy, it’s equally important to reiterate what you value in the relationship you share with each other, according to sex and intimacy coach Rebekah Beneteau. “Maybe you two nest and co-parent really well together, but sexually you’re both dominant,” she says. “You may then want to get that need met somewhere else, while still recognizing that you have these other terrific connection points.”

The clear recognition that your current monogamous relationship has real value can help mitigate some of the natural fear and jealousy that can come with inviting others into the fold.

2. Define how you’ll each continue to be included in each other’s pleasure

When my husband and I were first embracing non-monogamy, I felt jealousy at the realization that I would no longer be the singular or even primary source of his sexual pleasure.

Beneteau defines this type of jealousy with an equation: turn-on + exclusion. “You don’t get jealous if your husband is doing their taxes with someone else,” she says, of exclusion without the turn-on.

Because our version of non-monogamy would involve sex acts with others, the antidote to jealousy was in figuring out how we could reduce feelings of exclusion and continue to be included in each other’s pleasure, both sexually and otherwise. This involved adopting the fundamental understanding that love and sex aren’t innately or always connected, and setting clear boundaries around our sexual relationships with others, so each of us felt included in those decisions.

3. Use self-reflection to examine the true source of your fears around non-monogamy

Typically, pain and fear are survival mechanisms that spring from perceived threat. The important thing to note, though, is that many of our perceptions of threat in relationships aren’t rooted in actual danger so much as they are in societal conditioning around monogamy—that “real” love is monogamous love, that we should search for “the one,” or that we should be able to have all our needs met by one person.

Many of our perceptions of threat in relationships aren’t rooted in actual danger so much as they are in societal conditioning around monogamy.

By taking “an intellectual look at the fears we feel [surrounding non-monogamy],” or following them with an objective lens, we can determine whether they’re actually true to us or are just stemming from the monogamous narratives that have been imparted onto us (and no longer serve us), says sociologist and relationship consultant Elisabeth “Eli” Scheff, PhD.

To do that, try implementing a self-reflection practice, such as journaling, to track your fears to their cores, and decide whether or not they have real merit. Understanding that the root of my fears around non-monogamy was in the societal narratives I once harbored has helped liberate me from those stories—and it could do the same for you.

4. Take small steps toward non-monogamy

Trial and error can feel intimidating when it comes to transitioning a monogamous relationship into a non-monogamous one—which is why gradual steps are key to success. Here are a few exercises from my personal tool kit to help you test the waters when you’re managing feelings of fear and jealousy:

  1. People-watch with your partner with the intention of sharing whom you find attractive.
  2. Have an ethical porn date during which you watch porn and play together or separately (be it in different rooms or through mutual masturbation).
  3. Explore online dating apps, either as a couple or separately. Start by chatting only, increasing engagement as you both see fit.

These items are meant to be entry-level actions you can take, with low emotional risk, to gauge how each of you feel when your partner is thinking about or engaging with someone else. The point is to communicate at every stage what works and what doesn’t so you can either continue forward or recalibrate accordingly. This way, you don’t risk accidentally pushing things too far too quickly in a way that leaves one or both partners feeling hurt.

5. Remember that *you* are always your primary partner

Being your own primary partner means “you are not willing to lose yourself for the sake of any relationship, and that anybody coming into your space just has the power to enhance it and bring something juicy, new, and fun,” says Beneteau.

What I love about this concept is that it shifts the focus from feelings of fear and potential inadequacy to individual empowerment.

The structure of your relationship has less to do with the success of it than the quality of the relationship itself.

When my husband and I transitioned from monogamous to monogamish, I navigated some frustration. I could feel that this was the right path for me, and yet, I was terrified of the consequences. What I learned, however, is what you bring to a relationship—trust, honesty, communication, love, respect—will best determine the longevity of that partnership and how satisfied you are within it (not whether it’s monogamous or non-monogamous or somewhere in-between).

As a result, it’s especially important to tend to your relationship with yourself if you find that you’re facing fear and jealousy in the pursuit of non-monogamy. “The relationship you have with yourself is foundational in how you move through the world,” says Beneteau.

One way to strengthen that relationship to self is to set your own pleasure as your compass. By reflecting on your desires for non-monogamy and following the path that you believe will bring you the most pleasure—even in the face of your fears—you’ll move toward your authentic self and a more fulfilling relationship, too. The journey will likely involve ample communication and trial-and-error, but remembering that it’s ultimately all in the name of your pleasure can help mitigate emotional setbacks and make it that much more rewarding in the end.

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Can a monogamous couple happily become nonmonogamous?

— It’s possible but not easy, experts say.

Exploring ethical nonmonogamy isn’t always easy for couples who have been monogamous in the past.

By Ian Kerner

Can a monogamous couple become nonmonogamous? Of course, they can — but do these couples survive and thrive? What are the pitfalls and what are the pleasures?

More and more I’m seeing couples in my practice of all ages who have always been in monogamous relationships but now are seriously thinking about opening up their relationships. They are young couples just starting out, couples with young kids and a mortgage, and empty nesters looking to find their wings.

The reasons for taking the leap vary. Often one or both partners may be feeling sexually dissatisfied in the primary relationship — it may be boredom, mismatched libidos or a desire to explore new horizons. Sometimes there’s a hunger for the excitement and energy that come when people first connect with someone new. It’s also possible one or both partners don’t believe in monogamy. For some couples, sex has always been an issue, even though the rest of the relationship works.

No matter the reason, interest in nonmonogamy — participation in nonexclusive sexual relationships — is on the rise. In a 2020 study of 822 currently monogamous people by Kinsey Institute research fellow Justin Lehmiller, nearly one-third said that having an open relationship was their favorite sexual fantasy, and 80% wanted to act on it.

What happens if your relationship starts off as monogamous, and you or your partner change your mind? That doesn’t have to doom your relationship, Lehmiller said. “Research suggests that relationship quality is actually quite similar in monogamous and consensually nonmonogamous relationships,” he said. “Both relationship styles can work well — and both can fail, too.”

I believe the key to successful nonmonogamy is in one word: consensual. Known as ethical nonmonogamy, this approach is different from monogamous relationships in which partners cheat on each other. An ethically nonmonogamous relationship involves two people who identify as a couple but who are not committed to a traditional relationship, according to sexologist Yvonne Fulbright.

“They’ve given each other the opportunity to date or have sex with other people independently,” said Fulbright, who is based in Iceland. “Often a key component in these relationships working out is that the other relationship is only sexual, not romantic or emotional. There’s no deception about engaging in sex with others.”

Some couples may find ethical nonmonogamy easier than others. That includes those who have discussed the possibility of an open relationship from the beginning as well as LGBTQ couples. “In my experience, gay and queer couples have more ease with nonmonogamy,” New York-based sex therapist Dulcinea Alex Pitagora said.

“They’ve had to do more introspection and communication around their sexual or gender identity,” Pitagora said. “This additional time spent understanding who they are, what they want, and learning how to communicate it dovetails very smoothly into communicating about nonmonogamy.”

For couples who choose to open their relationships ethically, there can be benefits. “Nonmonogamy can be fulfilling and a catalyst for self-growth,” Wisconsin-based sex therapist Madelyn Esposito said. “This self-growth can deepen understanding and desire for your primary partner as you have the space to explore yourself and your own sexual needs outside of relational confines.”

In an open relationship there is often less pressure to have all your sexual needs met from your partner, Florida-based sex therapist Rachel Needle said. “And there is less pressure on you to meet all of your partner’s sexual needs. This gives you the opportunity to enjoy sexual activity with your partner but do it without added tension or anxiety.”

Sometimes the heat generated outside the bedroom even finds its way back into the primary relationship. “Many nonmonogamous folks find that partner variety revs up their libido, and that this transfers over into increased sex in the primary relationship,” Lehmiller said. “Something else we’ve found in our research is that, beyond sex, these relationships can also mutually reinforce each other. Specifically, being more satisfied with a secondary partner actually predicts being more committed to the primary partner.”

But making the leap into ethical nonmonogamy isn’t always easy for couples who have been historically monogamous. Often, one partner is “driving,” and the other is a reluctant passenger going along for the ride. Sometimes a couple can’t agree on what constitutes nonmonogamy (casual sex with different people versus repeatedly seeing one person), or they can’t agree on rules (posting a profile online, staying overnight, bringing someone home, no kissing).

One partner might be worried about the social stigma if others find out or just can’t get beyond all the cultural messaging that idealizes monogamy. Nonmonogamy can trigger strong feelings such as jealousy and possessiveness. “Even bringing it up as a curiosity can feel threatening to some couples/partners,” Fulbright said.

What should you consider if ethical nonmonogamy is on your mind?

There are any number of positive motivators for couples to try nonmonogamy, but what you don’t want to do is rely on nonmonogamy to slap a Band-Aid on existing problems. “Using nonmonogamy to fix a relationship is as effective as having a baby to fix a relationship — it’s a terrible idea,” said Rebecca Sokoll, a psychotherapist in New York City. “You need a strong and healthy relationship to make the transition to nonmonogamy.”

Don’t do it to distance yourself from your partner. “Ethical nonmonogamy can also be a defense mechanism, a delay tactic, a hide-and-seek game and an aversion to closeness,” said Minnesota-based psychotherapist Hanna Zipes Basel, who specializes in this area. “I see couples succeed when they enter nonmonogamy with an already secure functioning relationship, when they are both equally desiring nonmonogamy, and/or they have had prior experience or done their homework.”

“Get educated on the wide array of philosophies, structures and agreements that are possible in the ethical nonmonogamy world through books, podcasts and articles,” suggested sex therapist Sari Cooper, who directs the Center for Love and Sex in New York. “Journal about what each of you is looking for through this transition and discuss these goals with your partner to see if you’re on the same page and, if not, what overlaps or compromises might work.”

There’s no doubt that ethical nonmonogamy requires communication — and lots of it. “I suggest a ‘what if’ conversation before anyone takes anything into action,” Los Angeles-based sex therapist Tammy Nelson advised. “Talking about the potential positives as well as the pitfalls of a possible exploration can prevent problems that could come up later. The more you talk about the issues before they happen the better.”

A therapist experience in working with couples pursuing ethical nonmonogamy can help you weigh the potential pros and cons, guide you through the process and provide you with a neutral, safe space to discuss things.

Determine what ethical nonmonogamy looks like to you both and agree on your parameters — more rigid rules may be best when starting out — and plan to keep the conversation going.

“I see dozens of couples a year who come to therapy to try and negotiate their expectations in advance,” said Kimberly Resnick Anderson, a sex therapist in Los Angeles. “Couples who do their homework ahead of time have a much better success rate than couples who jump right in without preparation.

“Even couples who prep responsibly are often surprised by their reactions to certain situations and need to renegotiate boundaries.”

In my professional experience, the couples who succeed at nonmonogamy often don’t require many rules at all, because they trust each other, prioritize the primary relationship and hold each other in mind throughout the process.

If ethical nonmonogamy doesn’t work for you — or leads to a breakup — that doesn’t mean it’s a loss. “Consider a couple with children who, without ethical nonmonogamy, would have split up, and for whom nonmonogamy stabilizes their relationship,” New Jersey-based sex therapist Margie Nichols said.

“Eventually, that stability doesn’t last, but ethical nonmonogamy allows the couple to uncouple consciously and take time with the process,” Nichols said. “Because of the thoughtfulness, the family can remain living together or near each other and still love and care for each other, and there is no bitterness or rancor between the two. I’d call that a success — despite divorce.”

In the end, couples who succeed are fiercely committed to their primary relationship: They protect it, cherish it and care for it. They ensure that their foundation is solid and secure, and they continue to grow and expand as a couple in ways beyond sex. Nonmonogamy may be an exciting new chapter for a couple, but it doesn’t mean the story of their relationship comes to an end. It should feel like an exciting beginning.

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Why do hardly any straight men write about sex and dating?

— Men do think about matters of the heart, but writing about it publicly could be seen as undignified

‘There’s a sense of reading tea leaves about dating men, but maybe men are just less interested in reading those tea leaves.’

By

For every date a heterosexual woman goes on there is, for better or worse, a man there. But while women produce a wide and varied literature about this experience, from dating columns to films, there is hardly any personal writing by straight men about their sex, dating and relationship lives at all. There’s Karl Ove Knausgård. But you could list women writing in this genre for hours. Nora Ephron, Anaïs Nin, bell hooks, Elizabeth Gilbert, Dolly Alderton, Candace Bushnell, and so on.

Men date. Men fall in love. So where is the writing from men about these experiences? There are a few basic dating and sex advice columns aimed at straight men. Rhys Thomas writes Hey Man for Vice, Justin Myers wrote one at GQ for a while. Perhaps this is the masculine mode: anonymously ask a question, get a straight answer. Elsewhere, it feels like affairs of the heart are snuck into writing directed at straight men like vegetables into a child’s dinner. A recent New York Times article about the podcaster Scott Galloway noted that he smuggled relationship content into advice about career paths. And of course, as so many young men are doing of late, you can dive headlong into the cesspit of woman hacking, care of professed misogynist Andrew Tate. But that isn’t exactly what I had in mind.

It may be that the only group of people gagging for a dating column by a straight man are the women who date them. I know that men have fascinating thoughts about their romantic lives, and I love talking to my straight male friends about it. Recently I’ve been talking to them about the difference between what a man “settling” and a woman “settling” might look like; someone’s theory that culture has massively overstated the degree to which straight men want to have sex; someone else’s that straight men are talking about a different experience when they use the term “heartbreak” than women are, and so on.

When I asked them why they think the straight man relationship writing genre doesn’t exist, they were unanimously of the view that it just wouldn’t work. “I would see a dating column by a straight dude as undignified,” one said. “If it’s going well, it comes off braggy and vulgar, and if it’s going poorly, stop whinging in print.” So maybe it’s not surprising that a lot of male writers wouldn’t touch this subject with a bargepole. “Paradoxically, the sort of men who have the insight and sensitivity to write well about that experience preclude themselves from doing it exactly because of the sensitivity and awareness that would make their writing insightful,” another friend argued.

There are reasons to do with the history of this particular literary form, as well. It may be that, for a number of fair reasons, women are allowed to denigrate men in print, but not the other way around. “I think some of the things I get away with saying about men would seem a bit gross from guys, because of the obvious power imbalance,” Annie Lord, British Vogue’s dating columnist, told me. Women can write about dating because on a heterosexual date, society generally accepts that women are the underdogs.

Men are, in fact, talking about their sex and dating problems, but they’re not doing it in the media under their names. It’s happening anonymously on places like Reddit. A lot of this stuff is toxic garbage, yes, but plenty of it isn’t. The question may be more why no man has stepped forward to do this under his own name, in public.

Do I think a trailblazing men’s dating column is going to suddenly solve the so-called crisis in male emotional communication? No. And I confess to feeling a bit sorry for straight men in this regard. I love the way women talk freely about this stuff. But not even an imagined – and it seems pretty impossible – golden age of personal writing by men is going to force straight guys into hand-holding, tear-shedding summits with their friends when the truth seems to be that, whether for societal or biological or whatever reasons, they don’t want to.

Would many straight men even read this fabled column? Again, I asked some friends. “I probably wouldn’t be interested in reading a column by some dude cos I’d just think, well, that’s him I guess. I can’t imagine finding it useful or applying it to me in any way.”

Which made me question, what do women get out of reading dating and relationship columns? I like reading dating columns mostly because I’m nosy. But I do also think there’s something about reading other women’s experiences out there in the trenches of dating men that can feel reassuring, like talking in the “no boys allowed” treehouse. And it’s nice to go to the treehouse, so it’s sad to me that boys don’t have one of their own. Maybe some brave man will find a way to build it.

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Intimacy Myths And How To Overcome Them

By Row Light

Myths surrounding sexuality are nothing new, and they have long played a role in how we treat the sexes differently across cultures. Though (most of us) now believe in the female orgasm and that consent is not only preferable but necessary for any sexual act, there is still plenty of misinformation making the rounds, as we’ve seen in the tragically spot-on portrayal of confused teenagers in the series “Sex Education.”

However, it isn’t too late to figure out myth from truth, and you can find new perspectives on ethical sex-ploration that might just be game-changers in your personal life. Glam spoke with Angie Rowntree, founder and director of Sssh.com, a platform for adult entertainment with women’s pleasure at its center, and she provided powerful insight into why myths around sex need to be addressed and amended. She told us, “Myths can lead to you sabotaging your relationship and your overall happiness–and often doing so under false pretenses.” We also got in touch with sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, a resident sex expert at Lovers, a platform for adult toys, educational resources, and wellness tips. Both experts’ lists of myths complemented and added to each other’s, and we were left with a wealth of advice on how to keep our sex lives steamy and sustainable.

Myth #1: your partner won’t want to try new things

Sexual myths are so prevalent there have even been studies on the phenomenon, such as a study published in Medicina Clínica, and its possible adverse effects. Of those surveyed, 16.9% viewed intercourse via penetration, aka coitus, as “normal” sex. However, Marla Renee Stewart shared the first myth that she would like us to remove from our belief system surrounding intimacy: “Your lover would not be into what you want to do (without asking the lover first).” It can be intimidating to discuss your desires with a partner when you haven’t opened that door for communication. But finding a common language to speak with your partner about what you want is the first step in finding a path toward your sexual fulfillment.

Even if your partner isn’t interested in pursuing your latest idea in the bedroom, talking about what you’d like to try can expand your sexual vocabulary and lead to new and exciting experimentation. Assuming that your desires are in some way wrong or unacceptable can stand in the way of true intimacy with your partner. Instead, the bedroom should be a safe space to be vulnerable where you leave damaging assumptions at the door.

Myth #2: there is a right amount of sex to have weekly

Marla Renee Stewart’s next sexual myth may feel familiar to those who are used to measuring their relationships against cultural norms or expectations. Her next myth is that “you need to have sex at least 3 times a week to remain connected to your lover.” On TV and in movies, couples may complain about irregular patterns of intimacy, or envy those who represent what they view as a “normal” sex life. But intimacy is an individual experience, and each relationship requires different forms of maintenance and closeness to thrive.

This myth ignores differences in sex drives, as well as those on the asexual and demisexual spectrum who may rely more on other forms of intimacy to nourish their partnerships. Ultimately, if you and your partner feel good about the amount of sex you’re having, there’s no rule about what constitutes a good sex life.

Angie Rowntree also offers her own version of this myth: “All partnerships are the same and must have the same parameters.” She explained, “Yes, healthy relationships all have certain qualities or traits in common; however, beyond those parameters, what ultimately works for the two of you might not be the same as what works for your friends, colleagues, and family members in their private life.” She also emphasized the importance of not letting yourself get caught up in comparing your relationship to others.

Myth #3: we can’t bring our whole selves into partnerships

Marla Renee Stewart also reminded us that we need to honor ourselves to fully honor our relationships. The myth? “You may need to sacrifice important parts of you if you want to be in a relationship.” But being truly intimate with someone means being honest about our goals, passions, and needs, no matter what might be expected of us.

Even if you feel self-conscious about whether you check all your partner’s boxes, it’s important to remember that you are both just people trying to build and maintain a connection. There will always be parts of your partner that bother you, and you may not share all of the same interests. But as Angie Rowntree reminds us, “Life is not an Instagram reel, and being hung up on an ideal will always make you miss the love and joy that is right in front of you.”

Especially when it comes to outside perspectives on our relationships, we shouldn’t buy into the idea that others’ opinions hold more weight than our own experiences in a partnership. “No one knows what really happens behind closed doors when it is just the two of you…and we say that’s a good thing!” Rowntree adds. “You honestly don’t need anyone’s “likes” or “hearts” of approval if you are in a happy, healthy relationship.”

Myth #4: it’s monogamy or bust

Our sexpert Marla Renee Stewart’s next myth is one that our culture at large is still grappling with and that the media is only just starting to address: “True intimacy can only happen in a monogamous relationship.” Though TV shows like “The L Word: Generation Q” and “Good Trouble” are exploring polyamorous storylines and depicting characters’ lived experiences, there is still plenty of content that misses the mark when it comes to relationship models outside of monogamy.

Just like we can have close ties with our friends and non-romantic relationships, we can find other forms of intimacy outside of our partnerships. This doesn’t take away from any given relationship and, in fact, may help us feel held by our community rather than relying on a single person to meet all of our emotional needs.

Angie Rowntree also offers a version of this myth: “Intimacy is only for couples.” She told Glam, “Guess who needs to be your lover before anyone else? YOU do!” Exploring our needs alone can help us figure things out before a partner is introduced into the equation. She added, “Your relationship status either way should never stop you from enjoying your own body and exploring your sexuality in a healthy way. By giving yourself pleasure (and orgasms) you affirm your own worthiness to receive pleasure — and can thus carry those good vibes (literal and figurative!) into the bedroom with your partner.”

Myth #5: good sex comes naturally

Working hard on a relationship or your sex life doesn’t mean a match isn’t meant to be. Marla Renee Stewart’s next myth is that “if the sex is bad, it can improve with more time.” This may sound discouraging if things aren’t satisfying at the beginning of a relationship, but the expert isn’t telling you to give up entirely when you’re left wanting more. Instead, working together and communicating are the only ways to improve an intimate dynamic — if we don’t tell them what we want, we also shouldn’t wait around for our partners to read our minds. As Angie Rowntree told Glam, “Better communication equals better sex and deeper intimacy.”

Rowntree also advised us to turn our focus inward when we’re struggling with sex: “Great sex starts with you loving your own body and learning about what gives you pleasure.” She also made sure to recommend specific methods for learning about our pleasure centers and individual desires. “Thanks to any number of amazing products, it’s easier than ever to begin a journey of sensual self-discovery. People who masturbate and know their own bodies generally tend to be more generous lovers too.” If you’re looking for penetration via a non-realistic toy, the snail vibe from Lovers might be the perfect way to explore internal and external stimulation simultaneously. Or if you’re looking for innovative stimulation, you can check out the Womanizer Classic 2.0, which uses air pulsator technology to provide a new kind of sex toy experience.

Myth #6: grand gestures are all that matters

Sexpert Marla Renee Stewart notes that, unsurprisingly, prescriptive relationship advice may not always be our ticket to happiness. “Don’t go to bed angry” may be a common platitude, but it may also mean smoothing over issues that required a deeper resolution. Angie Rowntree added her own perspective on the work necessary to keep a relationship healthy, even if it requires more energy and thought than we might think. Her next myth states, “Intimacy is self-sustaining when you are in a relationship, and you don’t need to work on it.” Rowntree explains, “This is probably the BIGGEST myth: after the “happily ever after” the work stops.”

Actively choosing to be with your partner and working toward healthy communication can require giving each other more time to resolve a conflict, and Rowntree emphasized that love is not a passive process. “Yes, real life can serve up plenty of stress and grief,” she told us. “And sometimes our intimate partnerships are impacted or changed — but that’s why the best intimacy is the kind that evolves and adapts with you both. If you choose each other and choose to weather the storms of life, then why wouldn’t you choose to also nurture the passion?”

Ultimately, expressing care over time may not require drastic changes to your relationship dynamic. But Rowntree also referenced another myth: “The “little things” you do for each other are not powerful.” She amends this, saying, “When you do feel disconnected, often the “little things” are the breadcrumb trail that can help lead you back to each other’s arms.”

Myth #7: we should automatically know how to have a healthy relationship

Lovers’ resident sexpert Marla Renee Stewart has passed on her sage wisdom and wants to make sure that folks know they aren’t alone in trying to meet impossible relationship standards. “These myths dampen people’s sex lives because they might feel shame, stigma, or unmet expectations that can cause anxiety,” she explains. “Believing in any myths that keep you from reaching your full potential with your lover(s) can take a negative toll on your relationship(s) and cause unnecessary harm.”

Thankfully, experts have our backs when it comes to undoing damaging beliefs surrounding our relationships. “You will have the freedom to establish what is good and right for you and your lover(s),” Stewart assures us. “Talking with your lover(s), establishing your wants and needs and desires, and allowing each person to pursue their own sexuality is one of the keys to a satisfying relationship that all parties would appreciate.”

Angie Rowntree also spoke up about how we can work on ourselves to make sure we’re in the best place to connect intimately with others. “If you become a good friend/lover to yourself first, you won’t be dating and relating to your partner out of fear of being alone. Instead, you’ll be confident, open, and emotionally available, which totally enhances your partnership for the long haul.” So, you heard it here first: our intimate relationships only benefit when we trust ourselves instead of hearsay, and it’s time to prioritize our freedom over fear.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Intimacy App Trends

— How They Affect Your Sex Life?

Intimacy apps allow more people to access sex and relationship therapy and communication skills due to their relatively inexpensive nature and ability to be accessed anonymously from many places worldwide. This has seen the rise in many apps, which can help increase intimacy, communication, and sex skills.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • Sex and intimacy apps help couples and individuals to have pleasurable sex by reducing sexual shame and stigma.
  • Sex and intimacy apps can increase sexual confidence, education, and communication techniques.
  • While these apps help many people, it is important to ensure that the information being given is from health professionals, as misinformation is common in sexual health.

But users must be aware of the potential misinformation spread by these apps and check for their legitimacy.

How do intimacy apps affect your sex life?

Many agree that better communication with our partners can improve our relationship and sex life. But talking to our partners about sex doesn’t always come easy, as expressing our sexual wants and needs requires a bit of strength and vulnerability.

While we could all benefit from talking to a Psychologist or Sex Therapist about our intimacy issues, time and money often prevent many people from doing so. That’s why there has been an increase in sex and intimacy apps over the past couple of years, which aim to improve communication, strengthen relationships, and increase sexual pleasure.

But how do these apps affect your sex life? Most of the apps include a series of guided lessons and exercises to be completed as a couple or individual that are designed to educate you or challenge your attitudes and beliefs about sex and sexuality.

These exercises work to:

Help to undo shame

We live in a pretty sex-negative society that constantly feeds us messages that sex and pleasure are bad, particularly if you are a woman, which leads many of us to feel shame about our sexuality. These apps help to challenge these feelings of shame by providing a sex-positive environment that affirms pleasure and sexuality. This is important for undoing shame and increasing a person’s pleasure and well-being, particularly for marginalized populations.

Provide sex education

Sex education gives us the skills and knowledge necessary to make informed decisions about our bodies and sexuality, which in turn helps us to live healthy and happy lives both sexually and romantically. But unfortunately, many people miss out on this vital education.

Sex and intimacy apps aim to fill in these gaps, allowing their users to be sexually competent and aware of their bodies and their fantasies and desires, leading to better sex. They also teach vital communication skills that can be used with our partners to strengthen bonds and manage conflict.

Increase communication

These apps also aim to increase communication between partners, which is a vital ingredient in good sex. Effective communication ensures that both partners feel seen and safe and that their needs, desires, and boundaries are met. Communication also allows us to learn more about our partners by exploring their desires, arousal, and fantasies. Many apps provide guided lessons and exercises that allow us to communicate our needs and desires to our partners slowly and steadily, which is less daunting than laying everything out on the table.

Pros of intimacy apps

As stated above, there are many pros to intimacy apps, as they allow you to:

Learn about sexual pleasure, arousal, and desire in a sex-positive environment.

Learn communication practices.

Practice mindfulness that allows you to get out of your head during sex.

Set aside time for you and your partner to connect and build on intimacy.

Access information and therapy easily and relatively cheaply.

Reduce shame and stigma surrounding sex and sexuality.

Cons of intimacy apps

There aren’t too many cons surrounding intimacy apps.

However, you should ensure that the app you choose to use has information from qualified healthcare professionals who specialize in sexual health.

Unfortunately, there is a lot of misinformation about sexual health to be found on the internet, particularly about reproductive health, so it’s vitally important that you check your sources.

Another issue to look out for before signing up is the company’s privacy and data practices, as you may not like your sexual data being sold to other companies.

Intimacy apps to check out

Coral

Coral is a sexual wellness app for couples and individuals that aims to increase intimacy and pleasure and build sexual confidence by providing personalized lessons and exercises. The information provided in the app has been contributed by some of the biggest names in sexual health and is worth checking out.

Lover

Lover is a sexual wellness app created by doctors to help treat common sexual dysfunctions. Made for all genders, the app provides an 8-12 week training plan of personalized exercises, activities, and videos, all scientifically proven to address common concerns and help have pleasurable sex.

Ferly

Ferly is a science-backed sexual wellness app aimed at women and non-binary folks that provides audio programs guided by sexual health experts to help you have more pleasurable sex. There is a wide range of classes to choose from, including feature programs like “cultivating desire” or “sex after trauma,” as well as podcasts, interviews, and some erotica to help get you into the mood.

Intimacy apps help to improve people’s sex lives by providing accessible and personalized information, exercises, and lessons on sexual health. These apps aim to reduce the shame and stigma by providing sexually affirming information and communication techniques designed to strengthen the bond between couples. While there are many advantages to these kinds of apps, users need to ensure they are accessing information from reputable sources and be wary of the privacy and data practices of the app.

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Being more vulnerable with your partner can improve intimacy

— Here are 6 tips for letting your guard down

By Rebecca Strong

  • Being vulnerable with your partner can improve trust, communication, conflict, and your sex life.
  • Sharing your needs, hopes, fears, and emotions can feel scary if you’ve been hurt in the past.
  • Therapists suggest starting slow, using physical touch, and telling your partner how they can help.

Many people crave intimacy in relationships — but true intimacy requires vulnerability, according to Samantha Saunders, a licensed professional counselor in private practice.

Vulnerability in a relationship means you feel able to express your real needs, desires, thoughts, fears, and feelings with your partner. In short, you share your whole self, no matter the risks.

Of course, since letting your guard down creates the potential for hurt or rejection, it can often feel scary to take that leap — especially if someone broke your trust in a past relationship.

So, maybe you hold back the words “I love you” for fear of how your partner might respond, or resist asking for help because you don’t want to seem weak.

As challenging as it might feel to open up to your partner, though, relationship experts say it’s worth making the effort.

Below, therapists share five key benefits of vulnerability, along with six tried-and-true tips for becoming more vulnerable in your relationship.

1. More productive conflict

Vulnerability during conflict can help you and your partner understand each other better, cultivate empathy for each other, and ultimately reach a resolution more quickly, says

Anna Hindell, a psychotherapist in private practice.

For example, taking responsibility for the fact that you said something hurtful to your partner — which requires vulnerability — may help them feel understood so they can move on more easily.

2. Improved ability to meet each other’s needs

No matter how well your partner knows you, they can’t predict your every need and want.

So, when you tell your significant other that you crave more physical affection, for instance, that act of vulnerability serves you both, Saunders says.

With that knowledge, your partner has a better chance of making those necessary adjustments — which means you’re more likely to feel happy, fulfilled, and supported as a result.

3. Increased trust

Trust is the backbone of any relationship. And when you can drop your guard, confide in your partner, and find they still love and accept you, that helps increase trust, Hindell says.

For example, say you tell your partner it bothers you when they forget to mention they’re running late. Doing this can build trust in two ways:

  • Your partner now knows you’ll be honest and transparent with them about your feelings.
  • If they apologize and show empathy for your feelings, you can trust they’ll validate your feelings in the future.

4. A more satisfying sex life

Bravely communicating your needs, likes, dislikes, and fantasies — also known as sexual communication — can prime you and your partner for more fulfilling sex, according to Laura Silverstein, a certified couples therapist and author of “Love Is an Action Verb.”

In fact, a 2022 review found that engaging in more sexual communication can lead to greater sexual and relationship satisfaction.

Examples of sexual communication include:

  • Sharing some feedback after sex about what did or didn’t feel good
  • Asking your partner if they’re willing to try something new next time you’re physically intimate

5. Greater self-acceptance

Vulnerability can also benefit you as an individual.

When you share your deepest desires, fears, and insecurities with your partner, you’re more likely to feel loved for who you really are, according to Saunders. You no longer have to hide your so-called “flaws,” because you have the reassurance that your partner loves all of you — not just the parts you allow them to see.

This can pave the way for greater self-awareness, self-esteem, and self-love, says Kalley Hartman, therapist and clinical director at Ocean Recovery.

And higher self-esteem can improve the quality of your relationships, in turn.

Tips for becoming more vulnerable

Whether you struggle with vulnerability or simply want to make this skill more of a priority in your relationship, these suggestions from experts can help you learn to let your partner in.

1. Start small

“If you’re nervous about opening up to your partner, start by sharing something simple that doesn’t feel too emotionally risky,” Saunders says.

Saunders suggests sharing a secret interest or passion with your partner — for example, a love of watching anime or building model trains — even if you don’t know how they’ll react.

By easing into vulnerability, you can slowly build trust and confidence so you can share deeper emotional truths over time.

2. Practice self-care

“In order to be vulnerable with your partner, you need to start out being kind to yourself,” Silverstein says.

According to Saunders, practicing self-care can help ensure you don’t get overwhelmed by fear, anxiety, or other emotions that arise while you’re preparing to open up.

She recommends using meditation, journaling, yoga, and breathing exercises to help ground you before engaging in vulnerable conversations.

3. Use “I” statements

Telling your partner they did something to upset you may, in some cases, trigger feelings of fear, anxiety, or shame.

This kind of vulnerability may spark some discomfort, and that’s natural — but keep in mind your partner can’t apologize, validate your emotions, or change their behavior if they don’t know how you feel.

Silverstein advises starting these conversations with an “I feel” statement.

For example:

I-statements like these are far less likely to put your partner on the defensive than accusations. Accordingly, they leave your partner in a much better position to show the empathy and understanding you need to encourage future vulnerability.

4. Admit you’re struggling

When you have trouble letting your guard down, one important step toward vulnerability involves admitting your struggle.

For example, you might tell your partner:

  • “I want to feel closer to you, but I have a hard time talking about my feelings.”
  • “It’s difficult for me to ask for help, even though I need it sometimes.”

If you can, you might also consider sharing why you shy away from vulnerability. Did you get hurt in a past relationship? Did your parents teach you that showing your feelings is a weakness?

Letting your partner know what they can do to encourage vulnerability may also make a difference.

For instance, you might say:

  • “I feel a lot safer sharing my feelings when you do so.”
  • “I’d love for you to ask how you can help when you notice I’m getting frustrated with a project.”

5. Initiate physical contact

If you have a hard time expressing your vulnerability in words, Silverstein suggests making more physical gestures to connect with your partner.

For instance, you might:

  • Make it a point to kiss them goodbye for work, if that’s not a typical part of your routine
  • Reach for their hand while you’re out for a walk
  • Gently touch their thigh or back when sitting in the car together

It’s OK to feel a little hesitant about this if you’re not used to initiating physical contact — but displays of affection like these can strengthen your bond. What’s more, these acts may make your partner feel loved and cared for — which can help them feel safer being vulnerable with you.

6. Seek support from a therapist

If you have trouble cultivating vulnerability in your relationship, Hindell advises working with a professional. A licensed couples therapist can help facilitate more vulnerable dialogue between you and your partner — and help you identify anything holding you back.

“A therapist can also offer guidance on communication strategies that will help each partner express themselves without fear of judgment or rejection,” Hartman says.

Insider’s takeaway

Vulnerability can foster trust, intimacy, and understanding while also enabling you to communicate and resolve conflict more effectively. Ultimately, these benefits can boost your relationship satisfaction overall.

That said, opening up about your thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires can feel downright difficult at times. Therapists say it can help to start with small acts of vulnerability, let your partner in on your struggle, and seek support from a therapist as needed.

Above all, Hartman recommends patience. “It can take time to build trust and comfort with a partner, so don’t be discouraged if it takes longer than expected before you can truly let your guard down,” Hartman says.

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How I Get Strangers to Talk About Their Sex Lives

— I stop people on the bus, ask my cashier at CVS, or even beg my next-door neighbors.

By

My boyfriend held a cigarette in one hand and a Diet Coke in the other and said, “Are you fucking serious, Lys?” A few moments earlier, while lounging around a wicker table in his flowery backyard, I had flipped open my laptop and instructed him to tell me about all the women he’d slept with that week — or hooked up with, flirted with, even jerked off to. I told him to talk fast. My Sex Diaries column was due by EOD.

We were in an open relationship, insofar that I was pregnant via an anonymous sperm donor and he was a sexpot who could not be tamed. It was the only open relationship I’ve ever been in, and for that period of my life, it worked for me.

We banged out his diary together. I filed it. My editor had very few notes. The readers actually liked him, and all was good. It may sound strange, but I was happier producing such a vivid — and frankly, hot — diary than I was unsettled hearing about the multitudes of beautiful women my guy was going down on when I wasn’t around.

All this is to say that for the last eight years, Sex Diaries has come first. I mean, my children come first. My partner, Sam, whom I’ve been with ever since that guy, comes first. My parents and sister come first. But beyond all that, the weekly column always takes priority.

Normally, I don’t need to recruit friends or lovers for the column, but sometimes I do. The copy is due every Wednesday night — which sometimes means Thursday morning — so if I haven’t found a diarist by early in the week, I have to hustle.

Most of the time, I’m already engaging with a handful of potential diarists who’ve emailed me at sexdiaries@nymag.com with some info about themselves, hoping I’ll invite them to actually write one (which I almost always do). After that, I have to hope that they won’t flake or wind up being fraudulent or scary and that they’ll deliver something interesting, or at least coherent, for me to shape into a column. The diaries don’t pay, so there’s only so much pushing and probing I can do in good conscience. After all, no one owes me anything. In the end, about two in every five emails leads to an actual, publishable diary.

On the weeks when no one has emailed in or a diarist gets cold feet at the last minute, I stop strangers on the bus, at a local bar, or on the street — if they seem like passionate, horny, or simply authentic human beings — and ask them to sit with me for a half hour and entrust me with their stories.

“Hi. Sorry to bother you. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I write this column for New York Magazine called Sex Diaries — it’s pretty popular, honestly — where I profile someone’s love and sex life, or lack thereof, for a week. You can write it yourself, and I’ll clean it up for you. Or you can tell me everything here or later on the phone, and I’ll do the rest. We can disguise whatever you want in order for you to feel comfortable. But you have to remember that once it’s out there, I can’t take it offline, so you need to be okay with that … are you in?”

Occasionally, it works. Most people say that they have nothing remotely interesting going on — which, I’d argue, is still interesting! Other people are just too busy or private. Recently, a salesperson at CVS whom I approached thought I was hitting on him, and being a religious man and married, he was so offended and freaked out that he demanded I leave the store immediately. As I rushed out of there, pushing my son in his stroller, I actually started to cry.

Sometimes, I have to beg my neighbors, mom friends, or old high-school pals from my Facebook page to anonymously dish with me about their marriages, divorces, or affairs. And almost every week, I post something somewhere on social media, searching for random humans who will document their love and sex lives for me — for no good reason at all other than, perhaps, creative catharsis.

However it plays out, I try to make the experience as easy as possible for the diarists and to handle them with care. I make sure to protect their trust, and above all else, I never judge anything they tell me. When you tell me you’re having an affair, I will assure you that you’re not evil. When you tell me you’re hurting, I will share that I’ve been there too. When you tell me you’re weird, I will tell you that you’re cool as hell. And I will mean it all. Our relationships last only a few days and are driven by very direct questions and blind faith that we won’t lie to each other, then they’re over.

To understand my devotion to this column is to understand how it came to be mine and the freedom it has afforded me over the last eight years. In 2015, I decided to have a baby on my own for a lifetime of reasons you’ll have to buy my book to understand. I had always managed to make a decent living as a freelance writer, but at this point, there was no dependable work coming in, as I’d spent years trying to “break into Hollywood,” which wasn’t happening and slowly crushed me one disappointment after another. But I was pregnant, a marvelous thing, and I had faith that work would take care of itself somehow.

Out of the blue, an editor at The Cut asked me if I wanted to revive the column, which I had never heard of, explaining that it would be a weekly assignment with a steady paycheck. The work didn’t sound easy, but it didn’t sound hard either. Mostly, I saw the column as a gift. From New York, the media crowd, karma, or whatever. And I never stopped looking at it through that prism. Sex Diaries sustained me as I began life as a single mom. It solidified my role at The Cut, where I loved the people. And it gave me some writerly empowerment when I was feeling otherwise unwanted.

Sure, the column stresses me out sometimes. It’s a grind finding diarists every single week. I’ve only skipped two deadlines in all these years, and both were because I had preeclampsia with my pregnancies and was too out of it from the magnesium drip to resume work right away.

In the fall of 2019, we learned that HBO wanted to turn the Sex Diaries column into a docuseries, in which we’d document a week or two in someone’s sex life on film in the same spirit as we do in the column. This was fabulous news. I’d been chasing the TV scene for years, and it felt like this opportunity was another cosmic gift that I would never take for granted. But I knew that in the entertainment business, you had to fight every single day for a seat at the table. I had no reason to believe I’d be pushed out of the project, but I knew that I had to emphasize my value to the docuseries. To anybody who would listen, I said, “Let me handle the casting. You will never be able to cast this without me. No one knows how to find a Sex Diarist like I do.” Did I come across as too aggressive? Who cares! It was true.

So at 44 years old, my work life became unbelievably exciting and excruciatingly hard. My second child was still a baby, still breastfeeding, when we started casting and filming. A month later, COVID hit. Around this time, I got a book deal with a tight deadline and absolutely nowhere to write or think in peace. Politically, the world was burning down. My amazing kids, never amazing sleepers, kept us awake every single night. One of my best friends, the woman who taught me to advocate for myself, died of cancer — I cried for her all night, every night for many months. The weekly column was always due. The Zoom calls for the docuseries took up hours of my day despite the fact that no one even knew when we’d come out of this pandemic let alone feel romantic, sexual, or adventurous again.

Like all working moms, I was tired. But I had to cast this series, as promised. I revisited thousands of diarists I’d worked with throughout the years and asked if they’d be open to doing a diary without any anonymity and with cameras following them. Of course, the response was often “um, yeah, no.” I frantically called friends of friends who had cousins with roommates who were polyamorous, slut-positive, or simply lovestruck. I roamed the city, double-masked and desperate, sleuthing around for anybody who might be interested in talking about the sex they weren’t having with the lovers they weren’t seeing and the lives they weren’t living. I must have slipped into a thousand random DM’s per day, hunting for anybody who would indulge me. Instagram kept blocking my account, which would last only a few hours, thank God. I tracked down New Yorkers who belonged to sex clubs, posted provocative hashtags, or showed any sign that they were creative souls or open books. Our dream was for the cast to mirror an NYC subway car in terms of diversity. Eventually, with the help of the show’s amazing director and producers, we found our stars. Eight New Yorkers agreed to let us film their sex lives. None of them needed any convincing. They were all born for this moment. I did nothing, and they did everything.

Every week for what feels like forever, I’ve buckled down to “do a Sex Diary.” And because of that continuity — the ritual of it all — the column has unintentionally grounded me through the good and the bad. My tears are in those diaries. My hormones are in those diaries. A miscarriage is in those diaries. My childbirths are in those diaries. When I met Sam, my love, I was on deadline. When Biden won or our kids had COVID or we closed on our first house, I always had a diary to tend to.

My diarists have ranged from artists to engineers, sex workers, CEOs, and soccer moms, but they’ve all shared part of their lives with me, and through them, I’ve been afforded a healthy and effervescent work life that defies the drudgery of almost every other job I can imagine. To my mistresses, fuckboys, cougars, pillow princesses, and everyone in between, thank you. And to anyone curious about the column, email me, please.

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