Category: Intimacy

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Do You Hide Your True Self While Dating?

When dating interracially, some Black people say that code-switching, a common practice of adapting the way they look, speak or act in different social settings, comes as second nature.

Remy Barnwell struggled with being her authentic self when she first started dating her boyfriend Ben Podnar in 2020. She concealed her afro for 6 months before sharing her natural hair texture with Mr. Podnar.

By Brianna Holt

Last September, when Remy Barnwell, 26, started dating Ben Podnar, who is white, she was hesitant to wear her hair in its natural state. As a Black woman, she was uncertain of how he would respond to her tightly coiled strands.

On her first date with Mr. Podnar, Ms. Barnwell, a tax attorney in Washington, D.C., arrived wearing box braids that concealed her natural Afro. Six months would pass before she let Mr. Podnar see her kinky coils.

“I definitely noticed the first time she took her braids out and I remember her being very concerned about how I would feel,” said Mr. Podnar, 29, an audience development director for the Center for American Progress in Washington.

Ms. Barnwell, who said straightening her hair since childhood “reinforced the idea that my natural hair was not enough,” was pleasantly surprised at Mr. Podnar’s response to her Afro. “At first I was really nervous, but he was immediately obsessed with it, which was a relieving and satisfying moment,” she said.

“I know a lot of people in her life have criticized her tight coils, so it’s especially been nice getting to see her feel that attraction from me no matter how she wears her hair,” added Mr. Podnar, who said he likes all of the different ways Ms. Barnwell styles her hair.

Hair isn’t the only thing Ms. Barnwell said she has toned down when getting to know someone who is not Black. She won’t play soul music, wears clothes that don’t expose her curves and avoids using African American Vernacular English, commonly known as Ebonics, in conversations.

“I also wore my Birkenstocks to my first date with Ben, which I’d never wear on a first date with a nonwhite man,” Ms. Barnwell said.

The alteration of hairstyles, clothes, and interests in order to gain social acceptance and limit the risk of falling victim to bias is a form of code-switching, a term that refers to the common practice of adapting or altering speech, dialect, look or behavior depending on the social setting.

Ms. Barnwell and other Black people say code-switching is common when they date interracially because first impressions determine if a second date is in the cards.

Joseph Lamour, 38, a journalist and illustrator who lives in Washington, said it wasn’t until a white boyfriend confronted him about his change in vernacular that he realized he altered his speech.

“We were driving to Boston and got a little lost, so I asked a Black person on the corner for directions,” said Mr. Lamour, who is Black. When he rolled his car’s window back up, Mr. Lamour said his then-boyfriend, a white man, asked why his voice changed when he spoke to the man. “I hadn’t even noticed I did it, but then he did an impression of it and it all came full circle,” he said, and added: “It’s kind of like a job interview where you sort of make yourself more corporate-sounding in order to seem more standard so that a second date can happen.”

Mr. Lamour, who said he mostly dates white men, later realized he code-switches in other ways when meeting someone who isn’t Black for the first time. “When I’m going on a first date, I consciously put on clothes that make me appear to be a Don Lemon-type instead of a 50 Cent-type — even though I have both types of clothing,” he said.

For Black people and other minority groups, code-switching is a way of existing within multiple worlds at once by repressing their authentic selves while playing up behavior seen as acceptable by a majority.

While a person of any race may adapt their authentic self to make a good impression on a date, this switch in behavior is often more prominent in interracial or interethnic relationships.

“The greater the perceived distance, cultural difference, or racial difference between the two people involved, the more code switching is likely to occur,” said Kathleen Gerson, a sociologist and professor at N.Y.U.

Breuna Westry, 24, who lives in Austin, Texas, and works as an assistant marketing director for Clinical Compensation Consultants, said she mostly dates white men. Originally from New Orleans, Ms. Westry, who is Black, said she uses a vocabulary that is authentic to the Black community in her hometown. However, she said she consciously changes her vocabulary when going on a date with someone who isn’t Black.

“The slang is ingrained in me. I say things like ‘yes’m’ which is a total Southern, Black country term,” Ms. Westry said. “But sometimes I feel that I wouldn’t necessarily use certain phrases around the white guys I date.”

She said her mother’s use of Southern slang has also made her anxious about introducing her family to that of a prospective partner who isn’t Black.

“My mom is in her 60s and old-school, from Mobile, Alabama,” said Ms. Westry. “She feels comfortable in the way that she talks and I would never want somebody to judge her intellect level or anything based on that, because my mom’s a smart nurse.”

In the United States, the application of code-switching outside of linguistics is historically and culturally Black.

In his book “The Souls of Black Folk,” first published in 1903, W.E.B. Dubois described such behavior as “a peculiar sensation, this double-consciousness, this sense of always looking at one’s self through the eyes of others, of measuring one’s soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity.”

But it wasn’t until the 1970s that Black academics began using the term code-switching to describe their interactions and relationships with white people.

Shan Boodram, a Los Angeles-based sex and relationship educator, who is Black, Indian, and white, said many Black Americans see code-switching as an obligation, rather than a choice.

“Code-switching is speaking specifically to Black people who have to assimilate, or feel that they have to assimilate, to white culture in order to receive success,” Ms. Boodram said, including “a romantic potential with somebody” who is white.

“There are so many negative stereotypes associated with blackness: if you dress a certain way, look a certain way, or if your hair is a certain way, you get lumped into what is perceived as ‘urban culture,’ and that’s not seen as professional,” Ms. Boodram added. “And maybe for some people, that’s not seen as the person that you want to bring home to mom.”

Black women in particular resort to code-switching when dating because of the bias they often face, a result of being stereotyped as angry and discontent, hypersexualized and lacking positive representation in TV and film. This bias has led to Black women being the least contacted on dating apps and facing the most racial and sexual discrimination in online dating settings.

“If we’re talking about interracial dating, specifically about Black women, they might ask, ‘Do I feel comfortable with showing myself to this person that maybe has their own preconceived notions about Black women? Is there some eroticism or thoughts around what it means to date me as a person?’” said Camille Lester, a relationship therapist based in New York, who is Black.

“Everybody, when they’re dating, puts on some type of mask and then the longer you’re with someone, or the closer you allow yourself to get, you take off pieces of that mask,” Ms. Barnwell said, adding: “It’s especially difficult to take off pieces of that mask when you’re a Black woman because we’re already the least appreciated.”

While code-switching might be the thing that gets someone a second date, those who acknowledge doing it said it wasn’t a long-term strategy. Mr. Lamour said that, lately, he has been interested in dating only people who are comfortable with his authentic self.

“I’ve been getting more comfortable with myself and therefore the person that I’m going to be with is going to have to be comfortable with me, because I am,” he said.

Ms. Barnwell had a similar realization. “I finally got to a place where I didn’t really want to spend the time or money to get my hair braided again,” she said of the moment she decided to let Mr. Podnar see her natural hair. “I was like, ‘OK, am I going to let my white boyfriend see me with my Afro?’ And I really had to tell myself this was dumb, and if he sees me in my Afro and he hates it, then we simply should just break up.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Do Genes Drive How We Feel About Sex and Drugs?

By Lisa Rapaport

Our moral reaction to getting high or a night of casual Netflix and chill — a modern euphemism for having casual sex — may trace in part to our DNA. A new study suggests that our genes could shape our views on these behaviors just as much our environment does.Social scientists have typically assumed that our morals are shaped by the people most present during our childhoods — like our parents, teachers, and friends — and what we experience in our culture — whether from books, television, or TikTok.Results of the new study, published in Psychological Science, suggest that genetics may at least partly explain our moral reactions.

The researchers surveyed more than 8,000 people in Finland, all either fraternal or identical twin pairs or siblings. They asked participants about their views on recreational drug use and sex outside of a committed relationship. Twin studies help scientists tease out the role of nature versus nurture because identical twins usually have the same DNA sequences, but fraternal twins have only about half of their DNA in common.

Investigators compared survey responses to see how much shared DNA explained negative opinions about casual sex and drug use and how much could be attributed instead to a shared environment or unique experiences between the twins.Views on sex and drugs were at least 40% attributable to shared DNA and the remainder attributable to unique experiences, the study found. Views on sex and drugs were also strongly linked, with considerable overlap in opinions about each category.One limitation of the work is common to twin studies in general. These studies cannot distinguish whether certain genes are activated by a shared childhood environment or if some gene variants drive the choice of certain types of environments.

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18 Types of Sexuality To Know for Greater Understanding About Yourself and Others

By Korin Miller

There are a number of different types of sexuality, and by learning about each, you can cultivate a better understanding about yourself and others. And since language is always evolving, staying abreast of the different types of sexuality is important for both creating an authentic relationship with yourself and being an inclusive ally for all people. “The constantly evolving lexicon provides more options that can help people explore themselves,” says Corey Flanders, PhD, sexual-health disparities researcher and associate professor of psychology and education at Mount Holyoke College. “The range of sexuality terms available means that more people will find something that resonates with their experience.”

Words matter, and when those words connect to nuanced forms of identity, they matter even more. Such is the case for why it’s so important for all people to understand the different types of sexuality. To contextualize it differently, consider Dr. Flanders’ following example about ice cream: “I had a teacher once who described it in terms of ice cream flavors,” she says. “What if your favorite ice cream flavor was kale, but you never knew that about yourself because it was never an option? And then one day, maybe you come across kale ice cream and love it, and now understand yourself as a person whose favorite ice cream is kale-flavored.”

“Sexuality is full of diversity, and awareness of different types helps build acceptance and understanding of these differences.” —Shannon Chavez, PsyD, sexologist

The implications of understanding the different types of sexuality are, of course, further reaching and more important than ice cream flavors. “Sexuality is full of diversity, and awareness of different types helps build acceptance and understanding of these differences,” says Shannon Chavez, PsyD, resident sex therapist with K-Y. “It breaks down stereotypes, judgments, and myths about different sexual populations. Sexuality is a central part of your identity and who you are, and learning more about your own sexuality as well as others’ can be an empowering and positive experience.”

To be sure, understanding your own sexuality can be beneficial for myriad reasons. It “can help you connect to other folks who share a similar experience, which we know is important for supporting the health and well-being of queer people,” Dr. Flanders says. “For me personally, I grew up in a time and a place where bisexuality and queerness weren’t options that were known to me. Once I met people who used those terms to describe themselves, it provided a framework for me to understand myself and my sexuality in a way that enabled me to communicate it to myself and others.”

And in fact, learning about the types of sexuality—even if you feel you already have a strong understanding of your own identity—can help destigmatize and remove shame surrounding the space for others. “I do believe we are going through a new sexual revolution where people are more open with their unique identities, bringing awareness to pronouns and gender identities, and freedom to express who you are sexually without fear and shame,” Dr. Chavez says.

While, again, the types of sexuality are constantly evolving and growing, below, you can find a breakdown of many up-to-date terms and their meaning, according to the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) and the University of Connecticut’s Rainbow Center:

18 types of sexuality to know about for a deeper understanding of yourself and others

1. Allosexual

This is a person who experiences sexual attraction.

2. Aromantic

An aromantic is one of many romantic orientations that describes someone who experiences little or no romantic attraction to another person.

3. Androsexual

An androsexual is sexually attracted to men or masculinity.

4. Asexual

People who are asexual have a lack of attraction to other people.

5. Bicurious

A person who is bicurious is interested in or curious about having sex with someone whose sex or gender is different from their usual sexual partners.

6. Bisexual

A bisexual is someone who is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to more than one sex, gender, or gender identity. This is a term that is sometimes used interchangeably with “pansexual,” which more specifically describes someone who is attracted to people without regard to their gender identity.

7. Demiromantic

This is a person who has little or no ability to feel romantically attracted to someone until they form a strong sexual or emotional connection with a person.

8. Demisexual

A demisexual does not experience sexual attraction until they have a strong romantic connection with someone.

9. Gay

A person who is gay is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to people of the same gender identity. This term is often used by men, women, and non-binary people.

10. Heteroflexible

People who are heteroflexible often identify as heterosexual but may experience situational attraction that falls outside of that.

11. Heterosexual

This term describes people who identify as men who are attracted to people who identify as women, and vice versa.

12. Lesbian

A lesbian is someone who identifies a woman or as non-binary who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to other women. The term is used by women and non-binary people.

13. LGBTQ

This acronym is used for “lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer.”

14. Pansexual

A pansexual is a person who has the potential for emotional, romantic or sexual attraction to people of any gender identity or sexual orientation.

15. Queer

This term describes a spectrum of sexual identities other than exclusively heterosexual.

16. Questioning

People who consider themselves questioning are currently exploring their sexual orientation.

17. Same-gender loving

This is a term that’s used by some people instead of “lesbian,” “gay,” or “bisexual” to explain their attraction to someone of the same gender identity.

18. Skoliosexual

A person who is skoliosexual is attracted to people who are non-binary.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 changes to expect in your sex life post-undergrad

By Victoria Syphoe

Whether you were in a college relationship, or single and loving it in undergrad, one thing rings true, sex and relationships after college are wildly different. As your whole life shifts into the “real” world, so do your sex life and priorities in your sex life. 

1. You’ve developed a bad sex radar.

Though college relations are oftentimes easy to instigate with countless horny adolescents at your disposal, this doesn’t always mean it’s good sex. Nonetheless, experience is the best teacher. You can better acknowledge what you like and don’t like, and more importantly, recognize the good from the bad. 

2. Masturbation can be your best friend.

Leaving college and starting your adult life can be a bit of a dry spell as your life shifts. Settling into a new job, paying bills, and ‘adulting’ can take your focus off of the ongoing search for a hookup. Don’t get frustrated, self-love is the best love in more ways than one. Knowing how to please yourself will get you very far and can increase your confidence in the bedroom. It can also make it easier to communicate to your partner how to properly please you and avoid awkward fumbling around.

3. There are enough partners to go around.

College relations can cause drama with there being a somewhat limited dating pool. Everyone goes to the same parties, meets the same people, and odds are if you think he’s cute, your friend may too. Luckily, this is less of a concern after college as you are exposed to countless new people in your adult life.

4. Yes, foreplay IS a thing!

Whether rushing to get it in between classes or just dealing with an inexperienced or careless partner, young women everywhere complain about men skipping the foreplay. With age and experience, men realize that foreplay is beneficial for the woman and them too in the long run. Everybody wins. 

5. Finally, no more falling off that twin bed.

As you get further into those 20-somethings you’ll find yourself happy to not have to sneak out of dorms or squeeze onto those uncomfortable twin beds. Enjoy being able to freely roll around in the sheets of beds made for two.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Causes Sexless Relationships

& How To Fix One

by Kelly Gonsalves

If you’ve found yourself in a sexless relationship, you likely have a lot of questions on your mind: What causes a relationship to become sexless? Is a sexless relationship healthy? And maybe the scariest question to ask yourself, especially if you’ve been in this relationship a long time and very much love the person you’re with: Should you stay in a sexless relationship? Here are all the answers you’re looking for, straight from sex and marriage therapists.

What is a sexless relationship?

A sexless relationship is a relationship where there’s little to no sexual activity occurring between the couple. There’s no exact way to quantify what counts as a sexless relationship, as different people have different expectations and desires for sex. Having sex 10 times a year or less is usually considered a sexless relationship, according to AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman. But it’s very dependent on the individuals. For example, some people are perfectly happy with sex about once a month, whereas for others, that might feel infrequent enough to consider it a sexless relationship.

“It’s a bit arbitrary,” Zimmerman tells mbg. “I am always hesitant to define what amount is a problem or to focus on frequency because just meeting a number doesn’t mean your sex life is really working. Whenever we talk frequency, I think we are having the wrong conversation; it should be about quality—the degree to which both people find it enjoyable, engaging, and positive in their relationship.”

Sexless relationship statistics.

Of the 659 married people who shared details about their sexual frequency in the 2018 U.S. General Social Survey, about 19% were in what could be considered sexless relationships, reporting having had sex “once or twice” or “not at all” in the last year.

In comparison, about 35% of those married people had sex one to three times per month, 25% of had sex weekly, and 21% had sex several times per week.

In general, it’s common for sex in long-term relationships to fluctuate in frequency and quality. One study found four in five couples dealt with mismatched libidos in the last month. “Sexless relationships happen all the time,” marriage therapist and certified sex educator Lexx Brown-James, LMFT, tells mbg.

What causes sexless relationships.

There’s often not one direct cause that leads to sexless relationships but rather a myriad of factors that contribute to how a relationship slowly becomes sexless over time. Here are a few common contributing factors, according to Brown-James and sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT:

  • Neither person cares about sex that much
  • Being so busy that sex is deprioritized
  • Neglecting intimacy and pleasure in general
  • Conflict in the relationship that creates disconnection
  • Health challenges (e.g., sexual pain, dysfunction, aging-related changes, etc.)
  • One or both partners are asexual
  • One or both partners have experienced sexual trauma, making sex harder or less appealing
  • Mismatched libido or other forms of desire discrepancy

“There’s also so much misinformation out there about sex, and that can lead people to developing unhealthy relationships with it. For example, believing that sex should always be spontaneous,” Marin adds. “And sometimes couples find themselves in a sexless marriage and can’t even remember how they got there.”

Effects of a sexless relationship.

A sexless relationship will not necessarily harm the overall health of the relationship. “If both people are happy without sex (or infrequent sex), there is no problem. Like so much about our sex life, it’s a problem when it causes distress,” Zimmerman explains.

But she notes: If one or both people are unhappy with their sex life, it can cause negative feelings that can bubble up in other areas of their life and taint the rest of the relationship. When one or both people are unhappy with the sexlessness, she says some potential effects include:

  • Negative feelings like loneliness, resentment, frustration, guilt, rejection, and inadequacy
  • Negative feelings and pressure around sex, triggering a sexual avoidance cycle
  • Less openness and connection
  • Less goodwill and kindness
  • Less patience with each other

Is a sexless relationship healthy?

Yes, sexless relationships can absolutely be healthy. “Some people are perfectly happy without sex, so there is no problem. And even when sex is a problem, the rest of the relationship can be healthy,” says Zimmerman. It all depends on the couple, what each person’s individual needs are, and how they communicate and tend to each other’s needs.

“But if one or both people are unhappy, that will inevitably lead to a negative cycle and some spillover to the rest of their relationship,” she notes. “If the sex life isn’t ‘healthy,’ it doesn’t mean the whole relationship isn’t, but it can take a serious toll.”

Can a relationship survive without intimacy?

A relationship can survive without intimacy, and so can sexless relationships. But a relationship without intimacy is not exactly the same as a relationship without sex. Some people might not have a ton of sexual activity and don’t mind it all, especially if they have other types of intimacy like emotional intimacy and spiritual intimacy.

But if you have no types of intimacy whatsoever in the relationship, that’s a whole separate problem that may not necessarily be related to the lack of sex.

“A relationship without intimacy and passion that solely has commitment is called empty love,” Brown-James says, citing psychologist Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love. “These relationships can survive; however, partners might look more like roommates than lovers. There is one caveat where marriages without passion survive and thrive. Relationships where friendship and commitment are the base of connection survive and thrive when passion is absent.”

Should you stay in a sexless relationship?

Whether you should stay in a sexless relationship depends on how important sex is to you personally. “People who value sex also can stay in a sexless relationship and be happy,” Brown-James says. “While sex is one way to bring pleasure into a relationship, it’s not the only way and for some not the most important way to connect with one another. It’s really an individual choice whether a person wants to stay and something that takes an honest conversation with yourself about desire and sexual needs.”

The decision to stay in a sexless relationship also depends on how willing you both are to working on creating a mutually satisfying sex life together. Have you opened up a conversation about the state of your sex life together, and have both people put in active effort and care into solving this issue?

“If you are in a sexless relationship and feeling unsatisfied, there is reason to discuss your dissatisfaction with your partner and come up with solutions,” Brown-James says. “Parsing out exactly what you mean, expect, and want is integral to knowing if you want to stay or leave.”

It may not make sense for you to stay in a sexless relationship if any of the following are true for you, according to Zimmerman:

  1. Your partner refuses to work through this issue with you.
  2. Your relationship issues are so big that there are other reasons to divorce.
  3. Your sexual interests are so different that there are not ways to enjoy sex together, and you don’t agree to find another way to explore those interests.

(Here’s Zimmerman’s full guide to how to know when to walk away from a sexless marriage or relationship.)

“One of the things that can keep people stuck and not dealing with the issues is the belief that this means their relationship is doomed,” Zimmerman adds. “It doesn’t have to mean that, but if people don’t understand they can address the issues, they are likely to avoid the issue and doing anything to fix it.”

How to deal with a sexless relationship.

If you’re in a sexless relationship and really struggling to get your sex life to a place that feels good for both people, consider working with a sexuality professional. Oftentimes bringing in a supportive, impartial third party can help clear the air and set you on the right path.

Below are five more tips from Zimmerman, in her exact words:

1. Talk about it.

Have a different kind of conversation, one that is meant to get you working on it as a team, as allies, committed to a win/win. Most couples in this situation believe their interests are opposed (more sex/less sex), but it’s crucial to be working together on a sex life that works for both people. That has to come through in the conversations. And you have to keep the topic on the table, not just bring it up once a year.

2. Uncover the obstacles.

What’s gotten in the way of sex? Instead of anger that you aren’t getting what you want, cultivate curiosity about why this is a struggle for your partner. There are many things that can get in the way, including relationship issues, power dynamics, the meaning of sex in your relationship, the sex itself, etc. You need to identify what’s in the way and work together to change those aspects.

3. Develop a new paradigm.

Challenge expectations about sex. Learn how it works. Redefine it so it’s not attached to particular acts or outcomes. Create more flexibility around how you can share sexuality. Learn how sexual desire really works, and approach sex with openness to play rather than having specific metrics for success.

4. Approach sex as a “playground” without attachment to an outcome.

Rather than a binary yes/no (which so many people end up with), create room for “maybe.” Let’s get started and see what happens. Create those opportunities and enjoy them together, whether that results in “sex” the way you think of it or not. This is how you can take the pressure off—by learning to play and enjoy and create a way of engaging where there is no failure.

5. Prioritize it.

Schedule opportunities for this playground, this “maybe.” Make it a regular part of your life—to be physically intimate in some way, without pressure that it has to be any particular act(s). And keep talking!

How important is sex in a relationship?

How important sex is in a relationship will vary based on the couple and the individuals in it. In general, research shows sexual satisfaction is linked to overall relationship satisfaction, but that doesn’t necessarily mean more sex is better. One study in the Social Psychological and Personality journal found that adding more sex to a relationship stopped improving happiness after a certain point (about once a week), while other research has found people who don’t have sex are just as happy as people who have a lot of it.

“It’s so dependent on the couple!” Marin says. “For some couples, having sex once a year feels totally healthy. For other couples, having sex less than once a day doesn’t feel healthy! We each get to decide how important sex is to us individually, and how to balance those needs as a couple.”

For couples who do generally care about having a relatively active sex life, Zimmerman notes, “When sex is working well, it feels like 20% of the relationship—just one more aspect that’s working. But when it isn’t, it feels like 80% of the relationship, potentially overshadowing the other parts that may be working just fine.”

Just remember, it’s perfectly normal to not want to have sex with your partner sometimes, and ebbs and flows in sexual desire within a relationship are common. As long as there’s communication and a willingness to work together, relationships can survive these ups and downs without trouble.

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6 Basic Types Of Romantic Relationships

& How To Define Yours

By Kelly Gonsalves

People use the word “relationship” so much these days that it’s often assumed to have one universal definition. In reality, though, the word encompasses such a massive variety of kinds of human connections, both romantic and nonromantic, and it’s likely that no two people share the exact same understanding of what defines a relationship. So, here’s a cheat sheet of the basics.

A relationship is any kind of association or connection between people, whether intimate, platonic, positive, or negative. Typically when people talk about “being in a relationship,” the term is referencing a specific type of romantic relationship involving both emotional and physical intimacy, some level of ongoing commitment, and monogamy (i.e., romantic and sexual exclusivity, wherein members don’t have this type of relationship with anyone else). That said, romantic relationships can take many different forms, from marriage to casual dating to ethical nonmonogamy.

There are four basic types of relationships: family relationships, friendships, acquaintanceships, and romantic relationships. Other more nuanced types of relationships might include work relationships, teacher/student relationships, and community or group relationships. Some of these types of relationships can overlap and coincide with one another—for example, two people can be both work colleagues and close friends. There are also many variations within each category, such as codependent friendships, sexless marriages, or toxic family members.

Basic types of relationships:

  • Familial relationships, aka family members or relatives
  • Friendships
  • Acquaintances
  • Sexual relationships
  • Work or professional relationships
  • Teacher/student relationships
  • Community or group relationships
  • Place-based relationships, such as neighbors, roommates, and landlord/tenant relationships
  • Enemies or rivals
  • Relationship to self

Types of romantic relationships.

There are many different relationship labels people use to define their relationship to themselves and to others, but below are a few of the main basic types of romantic relationships:

1. Dating

Dating is the process of intentionally spending time with someone to get to know them better, have fun together, and enjoy being romantic. Dating can sometimes be about seeing if there’s potential for a more long-term relationship, or it can just be about having fun without expectations for the future, which is sometimes called casual dating.

Not everyone agrees on what level of commitment is implied when two people say they’re “dating.” Some people only use the term when there’s already a defined, committed relationship in place, whereas others use the term to mean they’re simply exploring to see if there’s relationship potential.

2. Committed relationship

In the context of couples, the phrase “in a relationship” usually means being in a committed, long-term romantic relationship. A committed relationship is one where two or more people agree to continue being in a relationship for the foreseeable future. There’s an understanding that the two will continue to spend time together, work on growing their relationship with each other, and continue nurturing their connection. People in committed relationships may choose to use identifiers like boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner to signify their relationship to others.

In traditional monogamous relationships, being in a relationship also means that a couple will be romantically and sexually exclusive—that is, they won’t have any other romantic or sexual partners other than each other. In nonmonogamous relationships, exclusivity isn’t required.

Marriage is one form of committed relationship wherein a couple publicly vows to stay together and forms a legally binding union.

3. Casual relationship

A casual relationship is a relationship where two or more people may be dating, regularly spending time together, and engaging in romantic or sexual activities—but without any expectations for the relationship to last into the future. These types of relationships are usually more situational and short-term, and they may or may not be exclusive.

People in casual relationships usually do like each other and are attracted to each other, though there may not be an intense emotional connection or desire to deepen the connection. Whereas people in committed relationships may see each other as life partners, people in casual relationships may not be as integrated into each other’s lives. They typically won’t use terms like boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner.

4. Casual sex

A casual sex relationship is one where two or more people spend time together primarily to have sex with each other. They might see each other regularly for sex, or they may have sex once and never see each other again. They may like each other and enjoy each other’s company, but they’re not interested in a romantic relationship with each other. Usually, there’s no emotional connection, or the connection is distinctly platonic or friendly, as in a “friends with benefits” situation.

5. Situationship

A situationship is a romantic relationship that hasn’t been explicitly defined, usually by omission. The relationship may have many of the same qualities as a committed relationship, a casual relationship, or dating, but the people involved have simply not put labels on it—usually intentionally, whether that’s to avoid making things too complicated, because they’re still figuring out what they want from each other, or because they’re too afraid to bring up the “DTR talk” (aka a conversation defining the relationship).

Generally speaking, situationships usually have more emotional involvement than a friends-with-benefits scenario but not the explicit romantic feelings and commitment of a committed relationship.

While relationships without labels work great for some people, situationships can often happen because the two people aren’t on the same page about what they want or because there’s an assumption that the relationship will be short-term enough for it not to matter.

6. Ethical nonmonogamy

Ethical nonmonogamy is a broad umbrella term for any relationship where people can have multiple romantic and sexual partners at the same time. It includes polyamory, open relationships, relationship anarchy, and many other types of relationships between more than two people. Ethically nonmonogamous relationships can be casual, committed, open, exclusive, dating-only, sex-only, or some combination of these categories, and people in these relationships may or may not use terms like boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner to describe each other.

The 7 types of relationships, according to psychology.

One framework for romantic relationships in psychology, known as Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, identifies three main components of love: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Passion refers to feelings of excitement and attraction, intimacy refers to feelings of closeness and connection, and commitment refers to the ongoing decision to stay in and nurture the relationship. Depending on which of these three elements are present, a couple can find themselves in one of seven different types of relationships:

  1. Infatuation: passion only
  2. Friendship: intimacy only
  3. Empty love: commitment only
  4. Romantic love: passion + intimacy
  5. Fatuous love: passion + commitment
  6. Companionate love: intimacy + commitment
  7. Consummate love: passion + intimacy + commitment

Developed by psychologist Robert Sternberg, Ph.D., and fellow researchers throughout the 1980s and ’90s, this relationship framework has been validated by research across 25 different countries.

How to define a relationship.

When it comes to dating, romantic relationships, and sex, it’s important for partners to be transparent about what type of relationship they want and to make sure they’re on the same page.

Here are a few questions to ask each other to define the relationship:

  • What do you want from this relationship? Something casual and in-the-moment? Something more future-oriented? Not sure yet and just want to explore for now?
  • Are you looking for a long-term relationship? If so, do you see potential here?
  • Are you seeing other people?
  • Are there romantic feelings here? Are we interested in exploring those feelings, or do we want to keep things more casual?
  • How often do we want to talk and see each other?

While these questions can feel intimidating or too serious, choosing to avoid these questions means you’re just choosing to make assumptions rather than hearing the truth.

“People form commitments [and] expectations even without labels,” sex and relationship therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT, once told mbg. “Not talking about the terms of your relationship does not mean you don’t have one.”

And remember: Defining the relationship does not necessarily mean you need to enter into a serious or committed relationship. Defining the relationship is simply about clarity.

“Some people may choose not to label their relationship because they’re afraid of being tied down too quickly or in a place where they feel trapped,” relationship therapist Shena Tubbs, MMFT, LPC, CSAT-C, once told mbg. “However, one should understand that you maintain full autonomy of yourself in every relationship you’re in, and you are the one who is responsible for communicating what you need, what you want, and what you don’t want. So if you feel you’re at a place where you cannot (or don’t want) to date one person exclusively, that should be communicated to your partner so that [they] can make a decision about whether that works for them.”

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What Is Swinging?

A Guide to Being In ‘The Lifestyle’

From swapping to sex parties, here are the basics on this form of consensual non-monogamy.

By Maressa Brown

From experimenting with different sex positions to bringing accessories into the bedroom, there are a plethora of steamy ways to take your sex life to the next level. But more and more couples are flirting with the idea of non-monogamy as a way to find fulfillment. In fact, in a 2020 YouGov poll of more than 1,300 U.S. adults, about one-third (32%) said that their ideal relationship is non-monogamous to some degree.

“Some form of a non-monogamous relationship dynamic might be for you if the idea of being intimate with more than one partner excites you,” says Amy Baldwin, sex educator, sex and relationship coach, and co-host of the Shameless Sex Podcast. “Some folks choose it to spice up their current partnership with newness and aliveness while others may do so to remedy sexual or emotional needs that are not being met in their current relationship.”

It bears noting that ethical non-monogamy can take a variety of forms — one of which is swinging, also referred to as being in “the lifestyle,” a sexual practice that involves engaging in sexual activities with another couple and single people. Here, how this particular type of consensual non-monogamy works and best practices for getting started.

The Basics on Being in “The Lifestyle”

Baldwin explains that a swinger, or someone in “the lifestyle,” is typically:

  • Married and/or heterosexual.
  • In a committed relationship.
  • Open to engaging in sexual activity with other people.
  • Aiming to have a shared experience with their partner.

That said, people in the lifestyle can be solo as well, says intimacy expert Susan Bratton. And they often gather at public or private parties (which used to be called “key parties”) that are hosted in rental homes, resorts, or even cruise ships (most of which were put on hold over the past year due to COVID). 

“Most parties allow couples and single women — known fondly as ‘unicorns’ — but severely throttle the number of single men who can attend because otherwise the ratio would fall too much toward a bunch of horny guys,” she notes.

You can usually find lifestyle parties with a simple Google search, but the most important aspect of involvement is being invited in, showing up, and getting invited back over time to establish yourself as a trustworthy and valuable addition to the group, explains Bratton.

What Swinging Involves In Practice

While swinging, partners might engage in “same room” sex, which refers to all activities taking place in the same room, so partners can see each other enjoying themselves, explains Sarah Melancon, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com, who adds that this may also provide a sense of security for some. But sharing the experience doesn’t necessarily mean sharing the same space. Swingers might also participate in “separate room” sex, which is exactly what it sounds like.

Although partners might go their separate ways, says Baldwin, the underlying intention is generally a feeling of shared turn-on or aliveness that somehow fuels more fire into the partnership.

There are also several levels of partner swapping that swingers will engage in, according to Melancon:

A “soft swap”: Involves sexual activities up to and including oral sex.

A “full swap” or “hard swap”: Involves most sexual activities, including intercourse (vaginal or anal, depending on preferences).

“Some couples like to start with soft swaps to get their feet wet, so to speak, while for others they simply prefer to reserve intercourse for their romantic relationship,” explains Melancon, who adds that the level at which a couple is willing to swap could be related to either preference or health concerns, like STI transmission and pregnancy risk.

The Difference Between Swinging vs. an Open Relationship vs. Polyamory

While it might sound counterintuitive, couples who engage in swinging don’t necessarily define their relationship as “open.” Think of “open relationship” as a bit of an umbrella term, suggests Baldwin. “It can encompass everything from purely sexual no-strings-attached experiences with multiple people to dating and/or deeper connections,” she notes. And open relationships are more about satisfying each person’s unique needs, while swinging is a “team effort.” 

A third form of consensual non-monogamy: Polyamory, which is different from swinging and open relationships in that it focuses on the building of relationships with other people outside of your primary partnership, says Baldwin. “It is less casual and more about love or connection, often resulting in multiple loving relationships, and even multiple committed partners,” she says.

How to Know if Swinging Is Right for You

If you’re unclear on which type of non-monogamy appeals the most, reflect on whether you’re craving a shared experience with your partner, you might want to try swinging.

But if you want to exercise your own sexual freedom or autonomy outside of your current relationship, you might be more interested in an open relationship. And if you want to connect with and even love multiple people, polyamory could be your best bet, says Baldwin.

How to Start Swinging

Consider taking the following steps to dip your toe into the lifestyle.

1. Talk to your partner.

Once you’ve concluded that swinging is the form of non-monogamy that would work best for you, broach the conversation with your partner. “If they are a ‘maybe’ or a ‘yes,’ be sure to spend plenty of time learning more about how to navigate non-monogamy, as well as having plenty of clear conversations about feelings, boundaries, and needs,” suggests Baldwin.

And note that getting a “yes” from your partner is crucial. “Both partners should have a similar interest level before trying swinging,” says Melancon. “If one partner is unsure or is doing it just to make their partner happy, it is more likely to cause emotional pain and possible breakup than sexual excitement and pleasure.” Feeling pressured by your partner to engage in swinging is also a “big red flag,” she points out.

2. The more communication, the better.

Prepare yourself for communicating more than you did when you were monogamous. “Things become a bit more complex when we allow more people into our intimate, energetic space,” says Baldwin.

For example, you’ll want to discuss rules of the road. Talk about the level — soft, full, or hard — you’re OK with. “It is essential to be comfortable discussing boundaries (i.e., ‘I am comfortable with you performing oral sex but not having intercourse’) and preferences (i.e., ‘I would find it really hot to watch you have sex with another woman’) with your partner,” says Melancon.

And make sure to go over safe sex practices (condoms, dental dams, and birth control) related to STI and pregnancy risk, says Melancon, who adds that regular STI testing is recommended for anyone engaging in sex with multiple partners. 

3. Take small steps.

Baldwin suggests starting out with “smaller, more tame experiences” — perhaps a soft swap involving just foreplay or making out, to start — and then check in after each to tend to any challenging emotions that come up. Through each experience, you’ll get a better sense of what feels the most satisfying and enlivening for both you and your partner(s).

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Sex between straight men challenges traditional sexual identities

Attractions, behaviours and identities do not always align, says UBC professor Tony Silva

By Craig Takeuchi

If straight men have sex with other men, that means that they’re closeted, and have internalized homophobia, right?

Not necessarily, according to University of British Columbia sociology professor Tony Silva.

Silva’s new book Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility Among White Men In Rural America (New York University press, 264 pages, $28), poses a challenge to and questions those notions about straight and LGBT people.

Drawing upon interviews with 60 white men from rural areas in the United States over three years, Silva delves into the sex lives of straight men who have hookups, sexual friendships and secretive loving relationships with other men, but remain mostly attracted to women and strongly identify with straight culture.

Although straight men have been known to have sex with other men in all-male environments, such as prison or the military, this murky area of sexual identity and experience has been clouded by issues of secrecy, privacy, homophobia and denial.

Also, though this isn’t the first look at this subject, examination of this area remains limited.

Silva makes the assertion that the men he focuses on in his book aren’t closeted, bisexual or experimenting, and that they aren’t a version of the tortured love story in Brokeback Mountain.

In a recent Q&A with the University of British Columbia, Silva explains differentiations about sexual behaviour, attraction and identity, and addresses issues of homphobia.

Why do straight-identified men have sex with other men?

The majority of the men I interviewed reported that they are primarily attracted to women, not men. Most of these men are also married to women and prefer to have sex with women. They explained that although they loved their wives, their marital sex lives were not as active as they wanted. Sex with men allowed them to have more sex. They don’t consider sex with men cheating and see it as a loophole in their marriage contract.

Some of them also have stereotypical beliefs about women’s sexuality and think that if they have extramarital sex with women, the women could become “emotionally clingy” and that it could threaten their marriage. People who live in small towns and rural areas typically consider marriage as an important part of their identity. These men think that sex with men is a lot less complicated with no attachment. I find it particularly interesting and ironic that their conservative beliefs about gender actually encourage them to have sex with men.

Other men chose to have sex with men for reasons related to masculinity. Some men enjoyed receiving anal sex from other men because this act allowed them to experience pleasure, but without the pressure they felt when they had sex with women. For example, several men explained that they felt like they were expected to be in control when they had sex with women, but not with men. Several single men were lonely or wanted to experience human touch, but were unsure how to do so platonically in a way that felt masculine. Sex helped them connect with other men in a way that felt masculine to them, ironic as that may sound.

Why do these men still identify as straight? Why are they not considered bisexual?

Most of the men identified as straight because they felt that this identity best reflected their romantic relationships with women, their integration in communities composed mostly of straight people, or the way they understood their masculinity. Identifying as straight also meant they could avoid stigma and feel connected to a socially dominant group. Many felt that sex with men was irrelevant to their identities given other aspects of their lives. They felt that heterosexuality and masculinity were “normal” and expected of them.

Furthermore, sexuality is multidimensional and attractions, behaviours and identities do not always align. Sexual identities may describe how individuals perceive themselves, but they do not always indicate a person’s attractions or sexual behaviours.

For example, when a “closeted” gay or bisexual man has sex with another man, he views that sex as reflecting his secret gay/bisexual identity. When a straight-identified man has sex with another man, he views himself as straight despite sex with men.

While many people understandably think that men are “closeted” if they have sex with other men yet identify as straight, this is not exactly true. These men are secretive about their sexual behaviour, but not their identity. In fact, sexual encounters with men are mostly irrelevant to their identity.

How do these men view homosexuality and LGBTQ2+ rights?

A minority of the men I interviewed were homophobic and held prejudice against LGBTQ2+ people and this prejudice makes the thought of an LGBTQ2+ identity unappealing to them. However, the majority of the men, supported same-sex marriage and the right for same-sex couples to raise children.

To confirm these interview findings, I analyzed one nationally representative survey called the National Survey of Family Growth. I looked at the responses of straight-identified men who reported consensual sex with at least two other men, compared to those who had not, on questions about LGBTQ2+ rights and masculinity. They were similar in their attitudes to other straight men. In other words, straight men who have sex with men are no more prejudiced than other straight men.

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How Do We Date and Have Sex When Vaccinated (or Not)?

By Dharushana Muthulingam

One year into lockdown measures in the U.S., life remains radically altered for most people. There have been 526,000 deaths in the U.S. and 2.6 million deaths in the world due to COVID-19. There are also multiple highly effective vaccines against virus. Rollout is slow, uneven, but steadily continues, and with it, the hope of returning to social interaction.

As of this writing, more than 18% of the U.S. population has received at least one dose of a vaccine. As more people acquire immunity, there are growing questions about what activities are safe for vaccinated people, how they might interact with each other and with the mostly unvaccinated larger public.

On March 9, the CDC released interim guidelines for individuals who are fully vaccinated. The major concern has been that while we know clinical trials have demonstrated that the vaccines are very effective at reducing illness, we did not know whether the vaccines reduce transmission to others.

Preliminary data suggests that the vaccines do indeed reduce the risk of passing the virus onto others. However, there’s still some uncertainty about whether it reduces it enough to prevent meaningful transmission, especially if there are additional surges (likely) with high levels of circulating virus. There is also still some concern that while the vaccines are effective against several new viral variants, that may not be the case for all variants.

So what do the interim guidelines mean for day-to-day life? There have been so many devastating consequences of social isolation: sick patients dying alone, grandparents who have not seen their grandchildren, and the crushing difficulty of raising children without outside support. One of the less-discussed questions I get from patients, friends, and family is about the impact of immunity on sex and dating.

Social animals need touch and companionship, and that includes sex and sexuality. Any sustainable public health measures must account for these needs. Many individuals who do not have partners within their household have had unique difficulties in navigating dating and sexual connection during pandemic social distancing measures.

And while the federal government anticipates having an adequate vaccine supply for all Americans by the end of summer, for the next several months, there will still be a great number who are not yet vaccinated. How do people navigate dating and sex during an ongoing pandemic?

One option has been for people to refrain entirely from any kind of dating or sex. We learned that this is not a sustainable strategy in the last pandemic—HIV/AIDS. Initially, in response to a troubling wave of young gay men dying (soon followed by others), the official government response was to advise abstinence. What we have learned repeatedly is that this is ineffective.

Several public health departments recall the lessons we learned during the HIV/AIDS epidemic, including dusting off the almost 40-year-old pamphlet “How to Have Sex in an Epidemic.” Recognizing sex and sexuality as a fundamental human need, they have issued guidelines on how to have safe sex during a pandemic.

Public health officials in the Netherlands, New York, British Columbia, and others have issued pragmatic guidelines for risk navigation. Whereas in STI prevention, the central tenet was to minimize the exchange of body fluids, with COVID-19, it is to minimize air exchange.

Those who have partners outside their household should get tested regularly for COVID-19 (about five to seven days after a sexual encounter). Quarantining before and after exposure can minimize transmission to others. Harm reduction is fluid—increasing transmission in one area of life (e.g., an outside sexual partner) can pair with decreasing it in other areas (e.g., quarantining, grocery deliveries). Take into account the COVID-19 dynamics in your region, increasing precautions if cases are increasing and hospitals are taxed.

For those who are vaccinated, using current CDC guidelines, here are general guidelines for dating others outside your household:

  • You can hang out with another fully vaccinated person indoors without a mask.
  • You can hang out with another unvaccinated person indoors without a mask, as long as that person does not have any conditions putting them at higher risk for severe COVID-19 illness.
  • You will have to navigate how much trust you have in someone’s stated vaccination status.
  • You can still hang outdoors, six feet apart, especially with a mask.
  • You should still avoid hanging out with unvaccinated individuals from more than one household and medium- or large-size gatherings. This includes activities like indoor dining.
  • When you are in public among people from more than one household, you should continue to mask, stay six feet apart, and avoid poorly ventilated or crowded spaces.

Finally, continue safe sex practices that also prevent unintended pregnancy and infections that are not COVID-19, including chlamydia, gonorrhea, HIV, and syphilis. Even prior to the COVID-19 pandemic, STIs were at a record high in the United States. Infections such as chlamydia and gonorrhea had been increasing 3 to 5%, and syphilis had risen 15%.

“These areas of public health have been underfunded for decades,” notes Dr. Hilary Reno, an associate professor of Medicine at Washington University and also the medical director of the St. Louis County Sexual Health Clinic and CDC Sexually Transmitted Disease Prevention consultant. The COVID-19 pandemic has taxed this further. There were shortages of chlamydia and gonorrhea tests as manufacturers repurposed swabs for COVID-19 tests. Contact tracers who would normally follow up with partners of infected individuals are now pulled into COVID-19 efforts.

Although many of STIs are curable (chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis) or effectively managed (HIV), untreated they can have lasting consequences. “People are still getting STIs, but they aren’t getting tested, so now we have these undetected infections,” Dr. Reno notes. “When are they going to present? How are they going to present?”

It is important to continue to communicate about sexual consent, use barrier protection, and get tested regularly for both COVID-19 (if you are not yet vaccinated) as well as STIs. As more data about transmission emerges and more people get vaccinated, follow updates on recommended guidelines.

Sex, sexuality, and companionship are a critical part of human health and well-being. We already have decades of experience that an abstinence-only approach, stigma, and shame just exacerbate transmission and make risky behavior secretive. Providing people with reliable information and tools for the prevention of both COVID-19 and STIs allows them to sustainably and realistically navigate their lives while also keeping safe.

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I’m A Sex Therapist

— Here Are 6 Questions I Get Asked About Sex In Long-Term Relationships

By Dania Schiftan, Ph.D.

As part of the 10-step program for increased sexual responsiveness that I lead women through in my new book Coming Soon, I also share dozens of questions I commonly receive from people about the sex they’re having (or not having) in their long-term relationships. Here’s just a smattering of those questions and how I answer them:

1. At the beginning of my relationship, I came to orgasm much more quickly and more often during sex. Why is that?

Emotional passion, which is usually greater at the beginning of a relationship than later, influences our desire for sex. Hormones massively boost our sensations and cause us to feel touch more intensely. Couples also tend to move much more at the beginning than they do later. The desire to explore a new body calls for activity. When a relationship is new, we are usually in a phase where everything flows, and time flies. At this stage, we’re sending and receiving stimulation that leads to greater desire and more orgasms on all levels and through all channels. Some couples look back wistfully at the beginning of their relationship and think they’ve lost this passion for each other. But this, too, is a fallacy because passion can also be learned!

2. Won’t I be emotionally absent if I just concentrate on myself during sex? Won’t the sex be impersonal if I’m getting lost in my own world?

You’re not absent—you’re just focusing on yourself and on your sensations and experience with your partner. If you’re thinking about your grocery list or feeling annoyed by your partner during sex, you’re much more absent. But sure, at first your partner may be confused to see you moving more or taking more care of yourself. In the long run, he’ll benefit from this too.

Apart from that, many men say it’s important to them to feel how aroused their partner is. If two people lie in bed, each waiting for the other to become aroused, not much will happen. The arousal of one person has a positive effect on the arousal of the other.

3. Won’t the sex be worse if I’m more selfish?

The sex will change, but it certainly won’t get worse. Over time, it will get much, much better—because you’ll enjoy it more, and that will turn your partner on. By concentrating more on your sensations, you’re more in the here and now, and you can react more to your partner’s arousal. Neither of you will be distracted by unerotic things like your last credit card bill. But yes: Improving sex means changing it. And with change comes risk. If you do what you’ve always done, you at least know what you’re getting. It takes courage to trade something familiar for something new. Dare to try it.

4. What should I do if I don’t feel like sex—for example, if we just had a big fight?

Of course, you don’t have to have sex then, or ever. But maybe you’ve noticed that you can use your body to influence your feelings, and not just the other way around. Anger, bad moods, or stress can change for the better if you and your partner have a nice, passionate time on a physical level. You don’t need to be in perfect harmony for that.

Having sex despite a fight can have a totally positive effect on your relationship: On the one hand because sex and orgasms help you to relax, and on the other hand because it’s a way to come closer to each other again. But how can you open yourself to sex when you feel no desire? By throwing yourself into it even if you don’t feel like it. Think of the party principle: Go to your partner, make out with him, stroke him tenderly. That way, you stop the downward spiral. Of course, I’m not saying you should have sex against your will. It’s just about giving yourself or each other a chance to see whether your appetite grows when you taste the food. Like the words one of my students has as a tattoo: “When you cuddle, you repair each other.”

5. What should I do when my partner doesn’t feel like it?

After a while, many couples end up in a pattern of “reverse seduction.” This subject would be enough to fill a book, but in short what it means is this: The partners blame each other, are easily offended, and have very specific ideas about how they want to be seduced. But seduction actually means, “How can I get the other person to do something that I want to do?” As a seductress, you have to think about how you can motivate your partner to participate. For example, if you want to go see a sappy movie and you know it’s not the kind of film your partner likes, you have to get creative and think about how you can get her to come anyway. You promise popcorn and rave about the actress. You think about what she might go for. If you know her soft spots, you exploit them. Translated to the bedroom, this means, “How can I make sex appealing to my partner again?”

6. We’ve known each other so long. Wouldn’t it be strange to suddenly pretend I don’t know what my partner wants?

Rethink your understanding of seduction. In your daily life, you’re often trying to make what you want appealing to your partner. Why shouldn’t you do the same with sex? Think about how you seduce him in other parts of life, and transfer this to sex. Let go of clichés. Seduction doesn’t necessarily mean a garter belt and negligee. It starts long before sex. It could be text messages, long looks, playing with closeness and distance, casually stroking his arm, and then going away again. But if you want to wear a garter belt, go for it! Courage always pays off.

In a long-term relationship, you experience a lot together and know each other inside and out. This is wonderful, but it also brings you so close that you rarely have a chance to long for your partner or see him from a distance. This happens automatically: The other person is always there. An erotic relationship, therefore, requires a little distance and space now and then: alone time. This is very important for your sexuality as well. I advise my patients to spend time alone or with friends and to deliberately plan time for themselves. This leads to being excited about each other again—and maybe even to feeling in love.

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Can You Get Coronavirus From Sex?

No — and Yes

by Abby Lee Hodd

Worries about the pandemic have put a damper on dating. Should those concerns also discourage sexual activity?

Intimacy and intercourse may not transmit COVID-19, but nearly everything else about sex with a partner increases your chances of getting sick, according to immunologists and health experts.

Bodily fluids exchanged during intercourse and genital contact isn’t what infects people whose partners are COVID-19 carriers, says William Schaffner, M.D., an infectious disease specialist and professor at Vanderbilt University. Instead, it’s intimate contact like heavy breathing, kissing and close proximity that causes risk.

Though coronavirus has been detected in semen, so far there’s no evidence it can be passed on that way.

“There’s nothing sexual about the transmission,” Schaffner says. “[It’s] the intimacy part of sexuality rather than the sexual organ functionality.”

Not giving up on intimacy

So if you’re dating and don’t want to give up sex, what’s the best way to curtail risk when it comes to transmission of COVID-19?

Pandemic safe sex guidelines released by the New York City Health Department last year recommend limiting sexual partners to those in your own household or pandemic bubble. The sexually explicit guidelines, which were parodied in a Saturday Night Live segment, suggest the safest sex is masturbation (wash your hands first) and offered “sexy Zoom parties” as an alternative with partners not in your household. The guidelines also said people should refrain from kissing and should wear coronavirus-preventing masks during sex.

Despite a certain amount of risk, older adults aren’t ready to give up on dating or sex. Instead, many are checking in with partners and adapting their sex lives to stay safe.

Communication with sexual partners is key

Tanya Henderson, a 63-year-old Nashville native, says she is always concerned about her sexual safety, not just during the pandemic.

“I am committed to remaining sexually active,” Henderson says, and before the pandemic hit, she would get tested for sexually transmitted infections as part of her adult sexual wellness efforts.

When the pandemic began, Henderson reserved sexual intimacy for a trusted partner she’d previously been intimate with, although the two were not in a committed relationship. In September 2020, Henderson did find a regular, exclusive partner and has since been in a relationship for a few months.

Henderson says frank conversations about COVID-19 with partners are essential, and says she and her initial COVID intimacy partner both wore masks in public and self-isolated to prevent the risk of getting sick. She also said both kept their circles “guarded” and small, only spending time with others who’d been tested or hadn’t had a lot of exposure to the illness.

“We were confident … we were safe,” Henderson says.

Tom Sommers, 57, who is pansexual and lives in Washington, D.C., says concerns about the coronavirus led him to delete his dating apps for four months. But he’s slowly starting to feel more comfortable taking precautions and being sexually active. But one issue has nothing to do with virus transmission.

Pandemic Safe Sex

According to experts, there are precautions older adults can take for safer sexual activity. They include:

  • Limit sexual partners to those in your own household, or those in your pandemic “bubble.”
  • Consider using technology like sexting, Facetiming, texting or video calling as alternative ways to enjoy intimacy with your partner.
  • Know the science and talk to your partners. Make sure everyone agrees to the same social distancing and mask procedures and that each partner is comfortable with the other’s pandemic precautions. “The coming together should be preceded by a conversation … you need that element of trust,” Schaffner says.
  • Practice good hygiene by washing up before and after sex.

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Take Back Your Sex Life

With all its stress and uncertainty, this year hasn’t exactly been a banner year for intimacy. But that can change.

By Meaghan O’Connell

Melissa Petro is a 40-year-old writer who lives in New York with her husband of four years and two children. She and her husband switch off between working and kid duty. According to Ms. Petro, the always-on nature of parenting a 12-month-old and a 3-year old in a pandemic has been “relentless, exhausting and not sexy.” Recently her husband has been sleeping on the family room couch.

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” she said, “It’s just that there’s so many things to do besides have sex with my partner, who I do hypothetically find attractive and theoretically want to have sex with. It feels pretty — at times — hopeless, our sex life.”

Ms. Petro is not alone. A Kinsey Institute study on the impact of Covid-19 on marital quality found that 24 percent of married people reported having less frequent sex than they did before the pandemic, and 17 percent of women reported a decrease in both sexual and emotional satisfaction since the pandemic began. Another study from the spring suggested that a third of couples were experiencing pandemic-related conflict and that many of their sex lives were suffering.

“We are missing out on many parts of our former lives,” Maya Luetke, a researcher at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University who led the study, wrote in an email. “Just as this is the lost year in other ways, it may also be the lost year in terms of sex.”

Likewise, Emily Nagoski was not surprised by the data. A sex educator, researcher and author of “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life,” Dr. Nagoski describes sexual desire and inhibition like the accelerator and brake in a car. And while right now there are more factors in couples’ lives hitting their brakes than their accelerators, all hope is not lost. There is still a lot you can do to take your foot off the brake and hit the sexuality accelerator.

Shift your perspective.

Self-criticism and judgment of your partner are classic ways to dampen sexual desire. More than half of women report that stress, depression and anxiety decrease their interest in sex, as well as their sexual arousal and ability to orgasm. Dr. Nagoski said it’s normal to feel less desire during a crisis, like a pandemic. “You feel like the entire world, literally the air you breathe, is a potential threat to yourself and your family. That’s going to hit the brake.”

The first step to improving your sex life might be a shift in attitude rather than behavior. “If you have sex because you have to or you feel like you’re supposed to, you won’t have much sex and you probably won’t enjoy it,” Dr. Nagoski wrote in her book. “Don’t just decide to have sex, try on the identity of a person who loves sex.”

Make a plan.

Ms. Petro said she and her husband still make time for sex, even if it’s just, say, every third Sunday. “I shove thoughts of chores undone out of my mind and just try to relax into my body and be present for my partner,” she said. Afterward, they take each other less seriously. “We’re lighter.”

“People get very wrapped up in the idea of spontaneously desiring sex,” Dr. Nagoski said, but, especially in women, it’s fairly rare. Based on a wide body of research on gender and sexual desire, Dr. Nagoski estimates that roughly 15 percent of women experience spontaneous desire, whereas most experience responsive desire — wanting sex when something erotic is happening.

“When we study people who have great sex over the long-term in a relationship, they do not describe spontaneous desire as a characteristic,” she said.

So what do they describe? When the clinical psychologists Peggy Kleinplatz and A. Dana Menard conducted a study for their book “Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers,” they found that the components of great sex were consistent across gender, sexuality and a host of other descriptors and tastes. They included things like communication, empathy, vulnerability, connection and being present in the moment. They stressed ignoring notions of romantic spontaneity and, instead, embracing deliberateness and making a plan.

Great sex, they found, doesn’t just happen. It requires intentionality. Don’t be afraid to put it in your calendar if you have to. Because while you can’t plan on great sex, you can, as Dr. Kleinplatz and Dr. Menard put it in their book, “intentionally create the conditions in which the magic might occur.”

Pursue novelty.

While experiencing low sexual desire during a pandemic might be normal and understandable, there are things you can do to increase desire in a relationship. One thing that science says increases arousal is a novel experience. Not just the sexual kind, but anything to get your heart rate up.

This might be a good time for people to “open a dialogue with their partner(s) about their relationship overall as well as their personal desires, fantasies, needs, etc.,” Dr. Luetke, who studies the link between conflict and sexual intimacy at Indiana University, wrote in an email. If these conversations are awkward for you, she recommended engaging a therapist specializing in sex.

Or find another way to raise your heart rate. You might not be able to ride a roller coaster or dance at a crowded concert, but you could still do a YouTube workout, go for a hike with your partner or watch a scary movie together after the kids are in bed. Some research suggests that being excited around your partner makes that person seem more novel and thus more sexually attractive, by association.

Complete the stress cycle.

When your brain senses a threat (a lion, say, chasing you), your body activates the sympathetic nervous system, which sends chemicals like adrenaline and cortisol to help you run faster or fight harder. Once the threat is gone (you ran away; you killed the lion), the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in, taking you out of fight-or-flight mode and returning your body to a calm state.

That calm state activated by the parasympathetic nervous system is also responsible for sexual arousal. In other words, your brain knows that when the lion is chasing you, you won’t want sex.

Modern-day stressors, however, are more ambiguous than a lion. It’s less clear to your brain when the threat has passed — when your paycheck has been deposited or your child’s remote school day is over. So Dr. Nagoski recommended “completing the stress cycle,” or doing things that will signal to the body that the danger has passed. When you go for a run after a long day of work, you’re moving through fight-or-flight mode by jogging away from the figurative lion, and telling your body that the stress is over, at least until tomorrow.

And even if you still don’t feel safe enough to experience desire, you can still touch your partner and intimately connect. Lying in the dark watching a movie with your partner, going for a walk, exercising, practicing self-acceptance — these things all have their own benefits, even when they don’t lead to sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Does It Mean to Be Sexually Fluid?

by Crystal Raypole

At this point in time, experts have disproved many of the myths surrounding sexual orientation.

Like the color of your eyes or the shape of your nose, orientation is a trait many are born with or grow into over time.

Maybe in high school, for example, you developed crushes on people of one gender only. In college, you found yourself attracted to people of different genders.

Now, as an adult, you mostly date people of one gender but occasionally feel a flash of sexual attraction for people of other genders.

Does that mean you’re confused? Can’t make up your mind? That your college attractions were just a phase? No, no, and absolutely not.

No one can define your orientation for you, but the concept of sexual fluidity can help explain your experiences.

Sexual fluidity, in short, means your sexual orientation isn’t permanently fixed.

Yes, everyone has an underlying orientation — asexual, pansexual, or heterosexual, for example. Yet there’s room for it to expand a little, based on your experiences and current situation.

It can help to think of orientation as a spectrum that includes people of all genders. Sexually fluid people tend to experience attractions at different points along the spectrum as they go through life.

Maybe you grew up thinking you were only attracted to men, until you had a few flings with people of other genders. After a few years, you felt most attracted to men again, but you couldn’t say for certain whether that would always be the case.

These changes in how you experience romantic and sexual attraction are totally valid.

“Fluidity is an absolutely normal aspect of sexual orientation,” explains Will Zogg, a Washington therapist who specializes in gender affirming counseling.

“Attraction is far more complex than many people can communicate,” says Zogg. “And fluidity and the presentation of sexuality vary widely across cultures, age, access, and region.”

He goes on to say people sometimes interpret fluidity as confusion, or betrayal of an allegiance to a specific community.

“As a result of the stigma around fleeting same-sex attraction and consequences for that ‘betrayal,’ normal feelings of love and sex and curiosity often get swept under the rug, where the limits of Western societal norms keep them hidden,” explains Zogg.

If you’re sexually fluid, you might notice most of your sexual experiences and attractions fit under the label you use to identify yourself.

The key word here is “most,” since you’ll probably have a few outlier experiences that fall elsewhere on the spectrum.

Here’s an example:

You’ve only ever felt attracted to women. Then you develop a close relationship with a nonbinary friend. Your physical and emotional closeness eventually lead to a crush.

You think about kissing, touching, even having sex with them. Maybe you act on those desires, maybe you don’t. Eventually, you spend a little less time together, and your attraction fades, leaving you primarily attracted to women once again.

This one experience may not lead you to redefine your sexual orientation, but it does suggest some fluidity.

Close friendships sometimes fuel romantic feelings that lead to sexual desire, but attraction can exist without you acting on it.

Fluidity, by definition, changes over time, so you could develop a similar attraction in the future.

Though fluidity adds an extra factor in the equation of attraction, it won’t necessarily change your sexual behavior.

“What Westerners refer to as fluidity in sexuality (and in gender) is not a new idea for many cultures,” Zogg notes.

Researchers and anthropologists have explored fluidity across cultures and history. In terms of Western research, this concept has had many names, including erotic plasticityTrusted Source.

The term sexual fluidity comes from the research of psychologist and professor Dr. Lisa Diamond, who drew attention to the concept with her 2009 book, “Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire.”

In theory, yes, anyone can experience this fluidity, but not everyone does. Plenty of people only ever feel attracted to one gender.

While people of any gender can be sexually fluid, existing research suggests women tend to experience the most fluidity. Of course, this doesn’t mean all women are sexually fluid.

“Some sexually fluid men may feel more reluctant to talk about the range of attraction they experience, in part due to gender and sexuality stereotypes,” Zogg points out.

“They might avoid commenting on masculine celebrities they consider attractive, for example, or hesitate to express closeness to a male best friend,” says Zogg.

Most definitely, yes. Attraction, like orientation, is something you can’t control.

You might feel more attracted to one gender for a while, then your attraction might shift elsewhere on the spectrum.

Maybe you choose not to express or act on certain attractions, and that’s OK. All the same, you typically can’t pick and choose what part of the spectrum your attraction settles on at any given point in life.

Sexually fluid people might notice attraction shows up in a range of ways.

You could feel sexually attracted to people of one gender but develop stronger romantic feelings for people of another gender.

Maybe one specific person brings out feelings you’ve never had before. Though their traits don’t align with what you’d normally consider your “type,” you feel drawn to this specific excitement or arousal response.

You might also notice the characteristics that appeal to you in more masculine people are completely separate from the characteristics that you look for in more feminine people.

It’s pretty common to act differently on varying types of attraction.

You might:

  • enjoy kissing and cuddling partners of one gender but only have sex with people of another gender
  • enjoy a specific type of sex with one gender, but have different kinds of sex with other genders
  • develop romantic attachments with people of one gender and pursue physical relationships with people of other genders

These are all valid relationship styles. Just take care to practice good communication!

On the surface, sexual fluidity might seem pretty similar to bisexuality and pansexuality. Remember, though, bisexuality and pansexuality are orientations, and sexual fluidity is not.

Bisexuality doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone, but it’s typically recognized as a fairly consistent attraction to two groups: people of your gender and people of other genders.

Some people who identify as bisexual might only feel attracted to people of two genders. Others might develop attractions to people of multiple genders.

Pansexuality, on the other hand, means you might experience attraction to any person, regardless of their gender. In other words, you’re attracted to people of all genders.

You can be both sexually fluid and bisexual or pansexual. For example:

  • Sexually fluid pansexual people might occasionally feel most attracted to people of one gender, then more attracted to different genders again.
  • Sexually fluid bisexual people might temporarily feel more attracted to one gender over another, but this won’t permanently alter their overall attraction to people of other genders.

  • You might describe yourself as sexually fluid when you generally identify with an orientation that doesn’t consistently represent every attraction you experience.

    Say you primarily feel attracted to women, but you’ve had a few relationships with men. You don’t identify as bisexual, but you consider yourself somewhat fluid, since you’re not exclusively attracted to women.

    Maybe you’ve never had a romantic or sexual relationship with someone of your gender. Still, straight doesn’t entirely resonate with you as an orientation because you feel open to the possibility of a non-heterosexual relationship. It just hasn’t happened yet.

    Generally speaking, sexually fluid people have an orientation that remains roughly stable over time.

    So you might use this term if you mostly feel attracted to one gender but want to acknowledge the way your attraction and responses sometimes shift.

    As Diamond and other experts have pointed out, fluidity offers a better, more accurate explanation for what people have, in the past, stereotyped and stigmatized as “confusion.”

    As you go through life, you gain plenty of experience, both personally and from relationships with others.

    This expanding knowledge can have a pretty big impact on self-identity, including your understanding of your orientation.

    As awareness of your orientation develops, you might land on a different way of describing your attractions, and that’s just fine. You’re always free to use whatever term you identify with best.

    Interested in learning more about sexual orientations and identities?

    • Start with our guide to key terms here.
    • Check out the It Gets Better Project for a glossary of LGBTQ+ terms.
    • Visit Identiversity, a nonprofit website that provides factual, expert-informed education about gender and sexual diversity.

    • Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Everything You Need to Know About Polyamorous Relationships

Including the most common myths about polyamory and best practices for entering into a polyamorous agreement.

By Maressa Brown

If you’ve spent even a few minutes on a dating app these days, chances are you’ve encountered profiles that disclose some form of consensual non-monogamy. More and more, people are finding that they prefer to connect romantically and/or sexually with more than one partner. In fact, research published in 2016 from two national samples found that one-fifth of the population (21.9 percent in the first sample and 21.2 percent in the second sample) has engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives — and for some people, this means practicing polyamory.

“Polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy that emphasizes emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy to whatever desired degree in an ongoing way among multiple partners,” explains Elisabeth A. Sheff Ph.D., CSE, author of The Polyamorists Next Door, who explains that often the goal for polyamorous people is to have long-term, emotionally intimate relationships with multiple people.

Here, what you need to know about polyamory.

What is a polyamorous relationship?

People in polyamorous relationships are open to bonding intimately — be that sexually and/or romantically — with multiple people. While monogamy is defined by exclusivity, polyamory is often rooted in expansiveness, points out Casey Tanner, certified sex therapist and expert for LELO who works with many polyamorous couples. “Successful polyamory is guided by explicit consent to what kind of romantic and/or sexual relationships are explored outside of the relationship at hand,” she says. “These agreements exist to keep each member of the relationship physically, emotionally, and sexually safe such that partners can truly lean into experiences within those boundaries.”

Unlike an open relationship — in which committed partners might agree to green light dating, sex, or other types of bonding outside of their relationship — a polyamorous relationship is marked by more relational commitment, says Shannon Chavez, Psy.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in Los Angeles. “There can be different levels of commitments and different levels of intimacy,” she notes. For instance, some relationships might be based strictly on sex while others are based on an emotional connection or both physical and emotional intimacy.

It also bears noting that many polyamorous people find support from building a sense of community with other polyam people, either online or locally. “It is much more than who you are having sex with or having another relationship,” says Chavez. “The lifestyle is an important part of polyamory.”

Polyamorous terms to know:

Many polyamorous relationships include a primary couple, and each of those people has one or more metamours or additional partners, explains Chavez. But there are also other forms as well. A quick primer:

Primary: Not every polyamorous relationship involves a primary couple, but when there is one, those two people are often intertwined in one another’s lives domestically and financially. They might have kids together too.

Secondary: Secondary partners are no less committed, but their involvement might be a bit more casual than the primary.

Triad (throuple) or quad: A consensual relationship among three committed partners. Add one more person — or two couples together — and you have a quad.

Full quad: A relationship in which all four partners are romantically and sexually involved with one another.

Polycule: A entire network of people who are romantically or intimately connected.

Solo polyamorous: This is someone who identifies as polyamorous and might be involved with other people who are as well, but they’re not interested in being married or entangled in a partner’s life financially, domestically, etc.

Compersion: This is defined as a feeling of joy — as opposed to jealousy — when you see your partner happy with someone else.

Common misconceptions about polyamorous relationships:

Although awareness about polyamorous relationships is growing, plenty of misconceptions abound. A few of the most common myths, busted:

In many ways, polyamorous relationships require following the same rules of the road as monogamous ones.

Building a healthy, intimate relationship with more than one person requires doing a lot of the same work and addressing a lot of the same issues that would come up in any kind of relationship, says Chavez. In other words, both monogamous and polyamorous people have to talk about boundaries and consent, communicate about the rules of the relationship, and look out for their partner(s)’ health and safety (think: STI testing). Polyamorous people prioritize this work of being in a relationship so that everyone comfortable, feels supported, and is on the same page.

There’s always one primary couple.

Not every polyamorous relationship involves a primary couple. “Polyamorous people often will have one relationship that is their ‘home base,’” explains Sheff. But that’s not always the case — and when it is, that “home base” relationship might not be so much “primary” as it is what Sheff calls a “figment of utility.” It just happens to be that you own a home or have a child with that partner, so you’re involved in one another’s lives in those practical, everyday ways, but it doesn’t mean you’re committed any more or less to that person.

Polyamorous people have wild sex lives.

Having multiple partners doesn’t mean life looks like porn for polyamorous people. Again, it’s more about building intimate relationships than exploring a sexual connection.

“There tends to be a lot of courting initially to make sure everyone is compatible and can handle all the moving pieces,” says Sheff. “Polyamorists, especially those who have been practicing it long-term, would much rather add someone to their life that augments all their other relationships and take the time to find that relationship.”

Practicing polyamory will save a monogamous relationship.

While some people might discover consensual non-monogamy during or after a monogamous relationship, polyamory isn’t a magic bullet to making a failing relationship last, points out Tanner. “If your relationship doesn’t already have a foundation of healthy communication, honesty, and commitment, exploring polyamory is more likely to exacerbate your struggles,” she notes. “If there’s any truth behind this myth, it’s the spirit that we can’t be all things to all people; it’s unrealistic to expect one person to be your greatest love, best of friends, and hottest sexual partner. Opening your monogamous relationship is one way to embrace this mentality, but probably not if your relationship is already on the brink of ending.”

Polyamorous people are “greedy” and “boundaryless.”

Tanner says it’s all too common for some people to scoff off polyamory as an attempt to extend their youth, avoid commitment, or satisfy a voracious sexual appetite. This is because they don’t see the hard work that goes on behind the scenes of healthy polyamorous relationships, and they fear what they don’t understand, she says. “Polyam folks put in just as much time, energy and effort into honoring their commitments —maybe more — as monogamous people,” notes Tanner.

There is only one way to be polyamorous.

Just like other marginalized groups, people misunderstand the polyamorous community to be homogenous, or one-size-fits-all, says Tanner. “When people picture a polyam person, they might think of a youthful, queer artist type with no kids and no mortgage,” she says. “In reality, polyamory occurs throughout the lifespan and includes people of all professions, family constellations, sexual orientations, and socioeconomic statuses.”

The key to truly seeing polyamory for what it is requires looking at it not through the lens of monogamy, but looking at it as its own unique practice, lifestyle, or identity, she explains.

How you might come to identify as polyamorous:

Some people come to polyamory after having been in monogamous relationships in the past and finding that they were not getting their needs met, says Chavez.

But that’s far from the only path to practicing what Chavez calls a relationship orientation. People are realizing that they knew from the beginning of their relationships that they could — and would prefer to — be in love with more than one partner at a time, explains Chavez.

Either way, polyamorous people realize that they are someone who could love multiple people and enjoy multiple relationships, and they find monogamy limits their ability to do that, she says.

Yet, these qualities alone aren’t sufficient for enjoying polyamory, adds Tanner. “Many people are excited about the opportunity to explore other relationships, but become angry or resentful when imagining a partner having that same freedom,” she notes.

That said, making the decision to practice polyamory is not one to take lightly. “Because meaningful polyamory requires significant emotional energy, self-reflection, and communication, it’s incredibly important to take your time in evaluating whether or not this is right for you,” says Tanner. “If you do choose to do the work, however, it’s a labor of love that may bring a deeper appreciation for your partners, greater self-knowledge, and an abundance of connection.”

Best practices for entering into a polyamorous agreement:

If you’re just beginning to practice polyamory, Tanner recommends making the following moves:

Address transparency.  Answer questions like what do you want to know about the other’s outside relationships, and how much detail do you want to provide/be provided with?

Discuss frequency. Talk about the frequency with which you’d like to engage in other relationships and the ways in which you’ll continue to be intentional with bringing energy to the relationship at hand.

Talk about “coming out.” Decide which people in your life you feel comfortable “coming out” to about polyamory, and make sure you’re on the same page.

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7 Truths About The Link Between Emotional & Sexual Intimacy

By Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D.

When was the last time you felt connected with your partner? That feeling of safety and security in your relationship?

If it’s been a while, know that intimacy is the bedrock of a healthy relationship—including both sexual and emotional intimacy. Here are the seven things you need to know about the connection between emotional and sexual intimacy and how to improve both in your relationship:

1. Intimacy goes beyond sex.

When you hear the word intimacy, what comes to mind? Often people immediately think of sex or physical closeness when they hear the word, but in reality, that’s just one narrow definition.

Intimacy is vast and is defined differently by everyone. The best way to describe intimacy is to think of it as a connection. If you want to be intimate in some way, you want to connect.

2. There are many types of intimacy.

Below are 12 types of intimacy—each one is a way we can connect and build trust with our partners, which is what intimacy really is:

  1. Emotional intimacy
  2. Sexual or physical intimacy
  3. Crisis intimacy
  4. Recreational intimacy
  5. Communication intimacy
  6. Aesthetic intimacy
  7. Work intimacy
  8. Commitment intimacy
  9. Creative intimacy
  10. Conflict intimacy
  11. Spiritual intimacy
  12. Intellectual intimacy

Regardless of how you like to connect, there is an area of intimacy that you and your partner can focus on to build your relationship.

3. There’s a connection between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy.

Two of the most powerful types of intimacy are emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy.

Emotional intimacy is being able to share your feelings. Being emotionally intimate with another person means being vulnerable and knowing that you’re not going to be hurt by them. This ability to share your emotions, outlook, and feelings grows your connection as a couple.

Sexual intimacy is being able to connect sexually with your partner in an emotionally and physically safe way. Sexual intimacy improves when two people can openly discuss needs, wants, or desires, creating a safe space where both individuals can communicate their physical and sexual needs without being judged.

When you get your emotional needs met and feel emotionally connected to your partner (that is, you have emotional intimacy), then you’re often more able and willing to connect sexually. In other words, emotional intimacy often bolsters sexual intimacy.

4. It’s important to recognize when there are different definitions of intimacy within a relationship.

You and your partner may define intimacy differently, and that’s OK. Everyone sees intimacy differently because we have experienced it differently. Our past behavior, experience, and relationships are the lenses through which we view the world. These affect how we experience intimacy.

Even two people in a relationship can view intimacy differently. For example, you may want to connect with them by spending time alone where you both can relax and talk. On the other hand, your partner wants to connect with you, too, but they see having sex as the way to be close to you.

Both of you want intimacy, but it looks very different. Neither of you is wrong with how you see intimacy, but you each have different intimate needs.

By meeting one another’s intimacy needs, you’re showing each other that you’re committed to listening and acting on their needs.

5. It’s important for you to know your own emotional and sexual intimacy needs.

We don’t have a guidebook to tell us our emotional and sexual intimacy needs, so it’s up to us to figure them out along the way.

Start by writing out your emotional needs. Think about what actions and words you use with your partner to feel emotionally connected. Examine your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and actions from the past to see what helped you feel connected. Then write out what actions or words your partner can take or say that help you feel emotionally connected to them.

Next, write out your sexual needs. Think about what you want more of, less of, your desires, turn-offs, and turn-ons. Then identify which of these you want to see improve or change.

After you’ve listed your needs, ask your partner to do the same. Then, from a place of nonjudgment and open-mindedness, discuss the needs of both of you so you both have a better understanding of the needs within the relationship.

6. There’s a connection between trust and intimacy.

Trust—that is, feeling safe with your partner and confident that they’ll treat you well, keep their promises, and care for the relationship—is closely tied to intimacy. When intimacy (aka connection) improves, trust also improves. Trust and intimacy move in tandem. When one is down, so is the other. You can’t have one without the other.

When trust is really good in your relationship, you feel emotionally connected to them. Trust is high, so therefore intimacy is high—often both emotionally and sexually.

But the opposite can also happen. When trust in your partner changes, so does your connection with them, both emotionally and sexually. When there is a decrease in trust, your emotional and sexual intimacy decreases.

7. Improving trust improves intimacy.

Trust and intimacy move together in a relationship, meaning if there is a decrease in trust, then there is a decrease in intimacy. That means working on building trust in a relationship is a key part of fostering more intimacy between you.

To do that, start with accepting that trust isn’t an all-or-nothing thing. Think of it like this: Trust moves up and down a scale of zero to 10 throughout the day. If you’re feeling connected to your partner and things are going well, your trust level is on the higher end. If your partner says or does something that doesn’t feel good to you, your trust goes down on the scale at the moment.

Some people make the mistake of saying they don’t trust their partner. However, they’re still in a relationship with them. If you are in a relationship, your trust in them is at least a one on the scale, or you wouldn’t be with them.

To improve trust, your goal is to act and say things that enhance trust in your relationship. Ask your partner if they need help with anything or if you can do anything to support them. Your willingness to offer help shows how much you care about them. Showing genuine care and support is what improves trust.

There’s a powerful connection between emotional and sexual intimacy, and both are closely tied to trust in the relationship. Additionally, creating the relationship you deserve requires you to examine your definition of intimacy and your personal intimacy needs, in addition to your partner’s, and find ways to meet those needs together.

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