Here’s how to determine what’s right for you.
Relationships used to be simpler. Traditionally in the United States, the vast majority of people in relationships were monogamous, whereas the few remaining more “adventurous” couples were in open relationships, meaning they slept with additional folks with the consent and knowledge of their partner.
That was it.
Now people aren’t just in open relationships, they’re in polyamorous, swinging, polyfidelitous, and monogamish relationships too. (And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There are even more types of relationship styles out there.)
Even though the distinctions between these various relationship labels may seem insignificant, they’re necessary to differentiate the important nuances between each type of sexual and romantic connection.
In this explainer, we’ll break down everything you need to know about the main types of relationships that aren’t monogamous as well as tackle which type of relationship may work best for you and your partner(s).
Ethical non-monogamy
Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term for all types of relationships that aren’t monogamous, meaning it includes every single defined term below. The word “ethical” is thrown in to make it abundantly clear that non-monogamy differs from cheating and lying to your partner. In ethically non-monogamous relationships, all partners are aware of the dynamic and consent to their partner(s) either dating or having sex outside of the relationship.
Open relationship
Most simply, an open relationship is one where you can sleep with folks outside of your primary relationship or marriage. People in open relationships typically keep their relationships with others strictly sexual. They’re not trying to date or fall in love with another person—although that sometimes can happen—which can complicate things. There are numerous different types of open relationships, and many folks have various “rules” in place to decrease the likelihood of romance with another person. These rules may prohibit sleeping with the same person more than once, sleeping with friends, sleepovers after sex, and sleeping in the bed the couple share. Whereas some open couples prefer to share the details of their sexual encounters, others have a “don’t-ask-don’t-tell” policy. The important thing to note here is that the primary partnership comes first.
Swinging
Swinging falls under the larger “open” umbrella, but has more specific guidelines. As Gigi Engle, a certified sex coach and educator, tells Prevention.com: “Swinging is when a committed couple engages in sexual activities with others as a form of recreation, such as a swingers party. A couple may also private swing with another couple. It’s an activity a couple does together and is usually considered part of their shared sex life.” The key here is noting that these couples swing together. They aren’t having sex with others independently, and more often than not, are having experiences at a designated swingers event.
Monogamish
Almost a decade ago, relationship and sex columnist Dan Savage coined the word “monogamish” to describe relationships that were, for the most part, monogamous, but allowed for little acts of sexual indiscretion (with the partner’s knowledge). Folks in monogamish relationships don’t often have sex outside the relationship. When they do, it’s usually when one person is out of town for work. The sexual flings with others are, for lack of a better word, meaningless. There’s no emotion involved. I’ve noticed that those in monogamish relationships are much more likely to have a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy than those in an open relationship, where the primary partners are sleeping with outsiders on a more regular basis.
Polyamorous
Polyamory comes from the Greek “poly” meaning many and Latin “amor” meaning love. Those who are in a polyamorous relationship have an intimate, romantic, and/or sexual relationship with more than one person. What can complicate things are folks who identify as polyamorous, yet are only romantically involved with one person. These people claim the poly label because they want to make it clear that they are open to the idea of loving more than one person at a time—and so too are their partners. They may also be actively dating other individuals, however, at the present moment, they’re currently only in a serious relationship with one person.
Polyamorous is different than polygamy, and as someone who identifies as polyamorous, we don’t like it when people conflate the two terms.
Polyamorous is different than polygamy, and as someone who identifies as polyamorous, I can tell you confidently that we don’t like it when people wrongfully conflate the two terms.
Polygamy is specifically when one man marries multiple women or vice-a-versa. Typically, however, it refers to the former, whereas polyandry would refer to when one woman has multiple husbands. Polygamy is rooted in a toxic patriarchy, where the man exerts his dominance over women, whereas polyamory (when done correctly) is egalitarian. That’s why individuals in polyamorous relationships typically loathe the conflation between the two.
Hierarchical polyamory
A specific subset of polyamory, those in hierarchical poly actually have a ranking system among their relationships. At the top is the person’s primary partner. Usually those practicing hierarchical poly live with that person, share resources, make decisions together, and they’ve been partners for a long period of time. Secondary partners are, well, secondary. They tend to get less time and resources from their partner. Primary partners also may have “veto power” prohibiting their partner from dating or seeing a specific person.
Many polyamorous folks aren’t fans of hierarchical poly because who wants to be considered a second or third priority? In the past, I know I’ve explained to folks that I have a boyfriend, but also date other people, which, in my mind, illustrates the same notion of hierarchical poly without the formality. However, folks who prefer hierarchical poly like the fact that there are clear expectations that come with the hierarchy, which can make the relationship(s) easier. If there’s ever a conflict, everyone knows the main person will side with his or her primary partner. That’s to be expected.
“Having a hierarchical poly relationship may be attractive in all the large parts it entails,” explains Engle. “You have a primary partner—one you can come home to and have a solid, ‘normal’ life with, as well as a secondary partner you can date, love, and have an entirely different kind of relationship with. It also helps to combat jealousy by knowing that if you’re the primary partner, you’re going to be the most important person in their life.”
Polyfidelity
Last but certainly not least is polyfidelity, where you have a romantic and sexual relationship where all members are considered equal partners and agree to limit sexual and romantic activities to only those in the group. People will also simply call this a “closed triad” or “closed quad” depending how many people are in the polyfidelitous relationship.
“People often think if you’re in a triad, you must be open to [dating and sleeping with] everyone, and this simply isn’t the case. It may be in some triads, but certainly not all,” explains Engle.
So, which type of ethically non-monogamous relationship is right for you?
Each ethical non-monogamous relationship style has its strengths and weakness, which is why it’s necessary to discuss with your partner what it is specifically you’re looking to get out of a being romantically and or/sexually involved with others. If you’re looking to spice up your sex life but you feel fulfilled romantically—perhaps swinging or a monogamish relationship would suits you best. If you have so much love to give and want to bring in another person to love and support, perhaps a polyfidelity or another form of polyamory is right for you and your partner(s).
“Since poly relationships are so outside of the ‘normal’ relationship styles we accept as a society, a lot of couples, triads, and individuals are in a position to create their own terms and agreements,” says Engle. “It isn’t like sexual monogamy, wherein two people are expected to default to total emotional and sexual monogamy. There are layers and grey areas in polyamory that are being negotiated between all parties involved.”
With ethical non-monogamy, things can also change over time. What starts as an open relationship can evolve into a polyamorous one. Or, after years of being polyamorous, you and your partner can decide you’d like to go back to being monogamous, or something else entirely. The key is being open about what it is you want and embracing all the beautiful changes that may influence your relationship as both you and your partner(s) grow together over time.
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