Sex Advice With An Edge
The researchers surveyed more than 8,000 people in Finland, all either fraternal or identical twin pairs or siblings. They asked participants about their views on recreational drug use and sex outside of a committed relationship. Twin studies help scientists tease out the role of nature versus nurture because identical twins usually have the same DNA sequences, but fraternal twins have only about half of their DNA in common.
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Since its debut in 2019, Sex Education, Netflix’s charming and filthy comedy about teenagers at a bucolic British high school, has been a jewel in a very mixed bag of streaming content. I’ve loved and appreciated its sweetness, its sex positivity, and its absurd dramatization of school as a place where everyone is willingly and creatively getting it on, no matter the real-world evidence to the contrary. In the show’s conceit, Otis (played by Asa Butterfield), the awkward, virginal son of a sex therapist (the regal Gillian Anderson), finds self-worth and—in the end—satisfaction by giving sex advice to his cluelessly horny peers, despite having no practical experience of his own to draw on. All sex problems, the show posits, are really just communication problems. Talking openly about things (the shape of vulvas, douching, intergalactic alien erotica) diminishes shame, which means no more dysfunction. Right?
In so many ways, Sex Education is a fantasy. It’s an oddly nostalgic, Frankensteinian fusion of ’80s American movieland and British humor, all wooded landscapes and mid-century furniture and regional slang. Of late, though, I’ve started to wonder whether the show’s cheerful raunch is obscuring something crucial. Midway through the recent third season, Olivia (Simone Ashley) reluctantly agrees to have sex with her boyfriend without a condom. (“You know it feels soooo much better. Please,” he whines.) Later, panicked that she might be pregnant, she visits a sexual-health clinic in town, where a nurse gently asks if her boyfriend is pressuring her to have unprotected sex, and how that makes her feel. “Like I can’t enjoy the sex, because I’m just scared of getting pregnant,” she replies. Soon we see Olivia walking out and telling her best friend, who’s waiting for her, that she knows her boyfriend’s a “dickhead” but she still loves him. To me, it felt like an oddly neat and evasive conclusion to a story line that had raised more questions than it answered. The intimation that people frequently cajole other people into doing things that they’re not comfortable with seems to jibe awkwardly with the show’s generally breezy approach to sexuality. Rather than trying to meaningfully define the nebulous edges of consent, Sex Education changes the subject.
The scene reminded me that the fantastical nature of the series extends beyond its verdant, anachronistic setting. The catch of a faultlessly sex-positive universe in which everyone’s up for everything is that there isn’t much space to explore what happens when they’re not. The show doesn’t just put forth an unhelpfully idealized portrayal of what sex is like for teenagers. (In a recent study of male university students in the United Kingdom, more than 10 percent admitted to committing acts of sexual assault, rape, or coercion in the past two years.) In light of series such as I May Destroy You, Michaela Coel’s intricate, confrontational consideration of assault and consent, a show like Sex Education also feels more limited and confining.
Still, it’s only one in a spate of recent Netflix shows hoping to—if you’ll pardon the double entendre—fill the gaps in our sexual savoir faire. The streamer just released Sex: Unzipped, an hour-long special hosted by the rapper Saweetie that’s a kind of comical revue of modern sexual mores, loosely pegged to what the host dubs a post-pandemic “sex drought.” (“Without sex, Netflix and chill would just be watching a whole-ass movie with someone and not getting it in. Ewwww.”) Its premise, which might feel familiar by now, is that sex of all stripes is great, shaming is bad, and subjects such as coercion, consent, and even plain old discomfort aren’t up for debate at this time. The closest Sex: Unzipped comes to engaging with unequal power dynamics in bed is when the drag queen Trixie Mattel asks a puppet version of the sex educator Dr. Ruth how to make sure she’s treating sex workers ethically and Puppet Dr. Ruth quips back, “Pay double.”
Because of sex positivity’s well-intended focus on embracing openness and negating shame, it can exclude nuance, and sidestep the murkier questions of power and intimacy and trust and trauma that people inevitably bring with them into any sexualized situation. It’s easier for popular culture to present sex as a comedic smorgasbord of erotic experiences, outlandish and heartburn-inducing, than it is to wade into the realm of the unpleasant or regrettable. (That is, unless TV is presenting graphic scenes of sexual violence for arbitrary or titillating reasons.) For six seasons on Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw and her friends prattled about anal sex and porn addiction and depressed vaginas, but rarely did they talk about consent, or how to safely remove yourself from a situation that isn’t what you thought it would be. In embracing openness but not complication, Sex Education and Sex: Unzipped follow the same model.
We don’t, at this point in time, need TV shows to do PR for sex. We do need them to challenge and enrich how we think about it. Sweeping in to the rescue, oddly, comes the person I least expected to be helpful—a woman whose history of selling vagina-scented candles and jade eggs belies the fact that she’s made one of the most counterintuitive and empathetic analyses of sex on TV.
I started watching Sex, Love & Goop limbered up for new feats of eye-rolling. And at first, I got what I was prepared for: Gwyneth Paltrow in a sleeveless gray turtleneck made (one imagines) out of Tibetan-antelope hair; the introduction of “somatic sexologists,” who take a hands-on approach to sexual dysfunction; a wok cleaner repurposed as a sex toy; the breathy teasing of cutting-edge techniques that can “optimize our lives.” But somewhere amid a discussion of the “erotic blueprints” that define how individual people relate to sex, I realized I was riveted. The series wasn’t just examining the kinds of sex lives rarely considered in mainstream culture: lesbian couples, parents, people in their 60s. In acknowledging what a fundamental force expressions of desire can be in people’s lives (a means of “self-realization,” “a pathway for healing,” and everything in between), Sex, Love & Goop seems intent on redefining what people think of as sex altogether. But being a true cheerleader for pleasure also means acknowledging and confronting all the things that might be getting in the way of it.
Over six episodes, the show places five couples whose sexual and romantic lives have plateaued with different therapists who help them try to work out their issues. Some critics have objected to the fact that the series includes only people in long-term, monogamous relationships, but I found this decision revealing—if people can’t communicate openly with their most intimate partner, how are they supposed to do it with strangers? As the couples worked with their therapist, nuggets of information began to emerge: Erika, in a relationship with Damon, struggles to achieve orgasm; Shandra and Camille contend with entrenched shame and guilt about their sexuality and their bodies; Felicitas, the mother of two children with Rama, can’t get past thinking about sex as one more obligation in a day loaded with them. “Once you have a child to take care of, your capacity and willingness to take care of someone else who’s an adult diminishes,” she says. “I’m giving so much of myself, of my body. I do not need any more neediness from anybody.”
What becomes clear as the show continues, though, is how little the people participating know about themselves, and how conditioned they’ve been to avoid intimacy rather than be truly vulnerable. “Your intimate relationship is a meditation in everything that’s wrong with you,” Paltrow quotes one of her past therapists saying in the first episode, not in judgment but to say that our sex lives are usually a symptom or an expression of other parts of our psyches. Damon has understood his whole life that sex is a particular physical act, but when he works with a therapist to explore other kinds of touch, the sensation is so profound that he weeps. Erika realizes in one scene that she’s unwittingly prepared herself for pain before sex, which blocks her from fully experiencing pleasure. “I just realized I’ve been bracing for a long time,” she says, also in tears. “That’s a lot to think about.”
In the fifth episode, Sera and Dash, a couple whose problems aren’t sexual so much as emotional (both have a history of fleeing from relationships), undergo a treatment called family-constellation therapy to dig into their hang-ups. The scene is perhaps the most quintessentially Goopy of the series: A group of constellation-therapy practitioners meets outside, wrapped in folksy blankets, and absorbs the “energy” of the couple in order to channel and perform as their ancestors. “We get an imprint from how we were first loved. Then you are either going to rebel against that or want that,” a relationship expert explains to Paltrow. “In family-constellation work, you get to see it.” The moment wasn’t entirely convincing for me—some of the practitioners were more consciously performing than others—but the revelations about family members who’d deterred themselves from loving others as a kind of self-preservation felt almost universally applicable all the same. To be alive is to be exposed to hurt. But with sex, love, and intimacy, the series argues, invulnerability can be its own kind of psychic wound.
One of the strongest scenes in Sex Education comes midway through the third season, when Maeve (Emma Mackey) kisses Isaac (George Robinson), a neighbor of hers who uses a wheelchair because of a spinal injury. The moment is extraordinarily tender, as the pair continually discuss what they’re doing and negotiate ways to give each other pleasure. “I can’t feel anything below my level of injury,” Isaac tells Maeve. “If you put your hand on my chest, I’ll show you.” They briefly discuss the mechanics of intercourse, but Isaac is clear that they shouldn’t try yet—the intimation being that there’s a level of trust involved that they haven’t quite reached. “When I get touched in the places that I can feel,” he tells her, “it can get a little intense.” She complies, kissing his eyebrows and stroking his face. The chemistry between the two actors is seismic.
It’s maybe the most truly sex-positive scene I can think of on television—an example of two people who are sexually attracted to each other communicating what they want, what they don’t want, what they can do, and what they don’t want to do, yet. It made me wonder why a scene like this exists only for a character with a disability, while virtually everyone else in the series seems to see sex as a kind of eroticized trampoline park, bouncing around cheerfully with no sense of the deeper kinds of connection they might be missing. The unfettered positivity of works such as Sex Education and Sex: Unzipped can also start to feel a little like shaming for anyone whose experiences of sex might have been minimal, or disappointing, or scary. “Our culture teaches us it’s not okay to not know about sex, or to not know exactly what to do,” a therapist says in Sex, Love & Goop. The most striking truth the show reveals is that no one knows anything at all, unless they ask.
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Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a condition in which the penis cannot obtain, or sustain, an erection firm enough for sex. ED is more common in older populations, affecting 44% of people with a penis ages 60 to 69, compared to 5% of those under age 40. However, cases of ED in younger age groups are becoming more prevalent.1
While occasional occurrences of ED are common, it becomes a cause of concern if it happens more than 50% of the time. This means there may be an underlying psychological or physical issue that needs to be addressed.2 There are a number of potential causes of ED, and more than one factor may be to blame.
One of the biggest causes of ED is a lack of blood flow to the penis, which can happen due to high blood pressure (hypertension) or hardened arteries (atherosclerosis). As it turns out, diet can help both of these conditions, which in turn can help improve ED symptoms.
Read on below to learn more about how your diet may play a role in ED and what foods can help improve the condition.
Spinach is a low-calorie, leafy green vegetable with a high density of various vitamins and minerals, including potassium, magnesium, vitamin A, vitamin K, vitamin B2, vitamin C, calcium, and more.
Spinach also contains a substantial amount of folate, which is also known as vitamin B9. A 1-cup serving of raw spinach contains 58 micrograms (mcg) of folate. Folate deficiencies have been linked to ED.3
<h3″>Avocado
Avocado is a high-calorie, nutrient-dense fruit. It is an excellent source of magnesium, potassium, vitamin C, and vitamin K.
When it comes to ED, avocados also contain a rich amount of vitamin E. A 100 gram (g) serving of avocado contains 2.7 milligrams (mg) of vitamin E.4 A 2021 study found vitamin E and ginseng improved symptoms of ED after six weeks.5 The researchers hypothesized vitamin E and ginseng would be beneficial in cases of ED due to their antioxidant properties.
Watermelon is a water-dense, low-calorie fruit that’s composed of 92% water. It contains citrulline, a compound known to help relax blood vessels and improve blood flow.
A 2018 study found that study participants that supplemented their ED medication (like Viagra) with L-citrulline-resveratrol saw improvements.6
Dark chocolate isn’t just delicious. It is also packed with flavonoids, an antioxidant, which may reduce the risk of someone developing ED
In 2018, a study showed that participants who ate 50 milligrams (mg) or more of flavonoids daily were 32% less likely to report symptoms of ED.7A Word From Verywell
ED can, understandably, be a frustrating and concerning experience. However, there are steps individuals can take to enhance their reproductive health. One area often forgotten is diet.
Research shows that eating a balanced diet is vital for overall health, and sexual health is no exception. Incorporating more nutritious foods such as spinach, watermelon, olive oil, salmon, and others may help improve symptoms of ED.
Talk to your doctor about your concerns. Again, while bouts of ED are common, repeated instances may signify an underlying physical or psychological issue that needs to be taken care of.
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By Susie Moore
A friend of mine was complaining over dinner recently that in her five-year marriage, her sex life has really slowed down.
As a celebrity life coach and with eight years of experience helping people overcome blocks and attract more of what they want, this was a topic I’d come across before. It can happen at any stage in a relationship – and it doesn’t mean there’s necessarily a reason to panic.
When something “goes wrong” in a relationship, often our instinct is that it will be tough to transform or that it will require “deep work” to push though and make it out to the other side.
There’s can also be another, gentler way that works.
Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship has or probably will come up against intimacy gaps at some point. Freaking out is not the answer. Nor is diving deeply into “the problem.”
Here’s are some simple and effective suggestions that you can try instead:
Think loving, sexy thoughts toward your partner
Look at them through the eyes of someone who might spot them across the room at a party. Remind yourself why you were attracted to them in the first place. Just because someone is familiar doesn’t mean you can’t foster a fresh attraction. It’s up to you and your thinking! Passion (and orgasms) begin in the mind.
Physically touch in a romantic way that doesn’t have to lead to sex
When was the last time you had a long, lasting kiss? Or a hug that lingered for more than two seconds?
Stop making your partner “wrong”
My friend Alexandra, an intimacy expert, taught me this important lesson: Someone who is wrong all the time is not sexy at all! When we criticise our partner non-stop, we become less attracted to them. How can a person who is wrong all the time seem sexy to you?
You’re allowed to disagree without anyone being wrong — for example, if your partner refuses to get into the plant-based meat substitutes you’re loving, validate your partner’s side of things. “I like veggie burgers, but I respect your meat-loving nature!”
A wrong person doesn’t feel sexy or attractive, to you or to themselves. So stop trying to win fights. It’s killing both of your sex drives.
You can also ask questions!
Instead of jumping into conflict as a reflex, use it as a chance to get to know each other better. For example, instead of saying, “You’re too stingy with money when it comes to eating out!” Ask, “What are you saving for? Tell me what you want in the future.”
Being open-minded fosters closeness and intimacy, allowing you to understand your partner in a whole new way.
Choose curiosity over judgment
Instead of using critical language such as saying something is bad/boring/dumb/annoying, be curious instead. “This isn’t a TV show I’d normally watch, but I see you love it — what’s so good about it?”
Bonus relationship hack
Whatever you’re telling your partner helps shape what they become. Your life partner is your biggest decision and most important teammate – so be on their side! You reap the benefits, too.
There’s an old joke I love: A husband and wife are driving around in their hometown, where he is the mayor. They stop to get some petrol, whereupon the wife recognises the attendant as a high-school boyfriend. After they drive off, her husband tells her, smugly, “See, if you’d married him, you’d be working at a petrol station.” The wife replies, “If I’d married him, he’d be the mayor.”
Touch, respect, admiration, and building each other up — these are all sexy behaviours that will bring you much more closeness than focusing on problems. You don’t need new lingerie or Botox to increase intimacy. Your emotional connection enhances your physical connection — they’re entwined.
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By Mollie Quirk
An A to Z of kinks and fetishes probably isn’t something you knew you needed, but it’s time to up your sex-ed game because let’s be honest, sex – whether solo or with a partner – and self-care go hand-in-hand. Pleasure is wellness, people. And there could be a whole realm of untapped pleasure here you never knew existed.
So, we’ve compiled a list of 26 kinks from A to Z, from bondage to role play. Please remember that kinks are supposed to be fun, and if at any point they stop being fun – you can stop at ANY time.
Many people get turned on when roleplaying, and even more so when they’re acting younger or older than they are. This kink could start off by calling your partner ‘daddy’ in bed, or maybe you’re getting called ‘baby’ – but it doesn’t stop there. The daddy/baby name-calling is just an example of light age play, but if the switch is flipped and all of a sudden one of you is acting like a baby, sucking on a dummy and crawling around in a nappy, then it’s safe to say that you’ve crossed to the extreme side of age play.
Some people get off when they’re restrained – whether that be in handcuffs or with ropes. Bondage falls under the BDSM umbrella term that means ‘bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism’. Some people enjoy being dominant (i.e. tying other people up) and some enjoy the more submissive side (i.e. being tied up).
Bondage is the most well-known kink (thanks Fifty Shades of Grey) and uses sex toys like handcuffs, paddles, whips, shackle mounts, candle wax, chains, ropes and suspension bars.
Expensive toys aren’t always needed, and trading handcuffs for a tie can be a good alternative.
Cuckolding is usually when a heterosexual couple agree for the woman to sleep with another man/men. Her partner doesn’t need to be in the room – he just needs to get turned on by the thought of his partner having sex with somebody else. But, some men do like being in the room while watching their partner sleeping with another man. Although its traditionally considered to be a heterosexual kink, people of all genders and sexual orientations can partake.
Dogging is a British slang term for having sex in public, or watching others do so. It’s become an increasingly popular kink, and is similar to voyeurism and exhibitionism.
Usually two sets of people are involved (sometimes more) and they set up a meet or meet randomly, before watching the other couple have sex and vice versa. This kink doesn’t come without risks though, because in Great Britain, dogging comes under laws related to voyeurism, exhibitionism, or public displays of sexual behaviour. Prosecution is possible for a number of offences, and this means that public places in some areas of the UK sit in a grey area, legally speaking.
Some people get turned on by getting electrocuted, and this kink is called electrostimulation. This involves using small electric shocks in the bedroom (or wherever you’re having sex with your partner). Getting electrocuted can be dangerous, which is why most people who partake in this kink are into another type called ‘edge play’.
You’ve definitely heard of this one. Foot fetishes are one of the most common fetishes out there, just take Jake from Love Island 2021 and his very public foot fetish.
A foot fetish is when somebody gets turned on by, yep you guessed it, other people’s feet. They will most likely want to touch them, hold them, lick them, kiss them, and sometimes they might even want to suck that person’s toes. People with foot fetishes also engage in foot worship, which leads into another kink – humiliation. Sometimes the fetishist might want their partner’s feet in their mouth, they might want to be trodden on, kicked or walked on.
Some people like be gagged and choked while having sex, and this kink has recently seen a huge surge in popularity. Gagging can refer to lightly choking on an object (like a penis) or being choked slightly by the hand of your partner.
Another form of gagging is using a ball gag to gag somebody so they can no longer speak. This will either seem like your worst nightmare or your hottest sexual fantasy. Remember that if any form of gagging becomes uncomfortable at any stage – stop immediately. Having a safe word or signal is recommended, so that your partner knows if you’re withdrawing consent.
This isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, but some people do get a kick out of being humiliated (or doing the humiliation). If you like being called names like ‘bitch’, ‘slut’, or ‘whore’ in bed, then you probably have a kink for being humiliated. But if you like doing the name-calling, then you probably have more a dominant side and enjoy humiliating others.
Considered a form of BDSM, impact play is generally where one person is struck by their sexual partner for the pleasure of one or both parties. Some people enjoy being whipped with a ‘stingy’ whip, while others might prefer a ‘thud’ from a paddle.
A popular kink without many even realising it, Jerk Off Encouragement or Jerk Off Instruction, is when you’re instructed to masturbate for your sexual partner. Some people might enjoy instructing another party to masturbate for them, while others might enjoy being told what to do. Either way, it’s an exciting way to spice things up in the bedroom.
In Greek, Klismaphilia means “arousal by enemas.” If you’re unsure what an enema is, it’s similar to a colonic irrigation. Basically, an enema is when you get warm water squirted into your bum.
Enemas are most commonly carried out by hospitals prior to medical procedures, but some people get turned on by having an enema (or giving one to somebody else). Most people will use enemas as a way to prepare the anus for anal sex, so it’s handy that you enjoy it if you like anal.
More common in heterosexual couplings, Lactophilia refers to when a male gets turned on by seeing a woman lactate – commonly known as producing breast milk. Lactophiliacs enjoy seeing women produce breast milk, as well as sucking on breasts and having sex with women who are producing milk.
Some people get turned on by doctors, nurses, dentists and pretty much anybody else in the medical profession. People with this kind of fetish might enjoy seeing their partner dressed up in a white coat, or they might enjoy medical role play.
Also known as pantyhose addiction, those who love ladies (or men) wearing nylons tend to get sexual stimulation, gratification and arousal from their partners wearing tights. They might also love the process of putting them on, or taking them off. It is thought that those with nylon kinks prefer tights over stockings, because tights have direct contact with genitals.
This kink directly related to another very similar fetish – used underwear. Thanks to the internet, it’s now easier than ever to buy used under garments like tights, stockings, socks, knickers and bras. Sellers tend to sell the garment for a price that is decided on by the amount of times it has been worn.
Another kink that lives under the umbrella of BDSM, orgasm denial is where one partner brings the other right to the brink of orgasm and then stops – also known as edging, peaking, or surfing.
This sexual technique is when your orgasm is controlled by your sexual partner or yourself. This kink is both harsh and extremely rewarding because you’re getting built up and brought down, something that can continue for quite some time, before then being allowed to orgasm. Many women (and men) report that this is the ultimate way to reach an orgasm because it becomes more intense than ever before. It’s the perfect blend of being punished before getting given a reward.
This kink involves insulting a man’s penis. Usually the man will enjoy having the size, appearance and performance of his penis mocked and laughed at. This is another kink that falls under the BDSM umbrella term.
Queening is when a woman sits on her partner’s face for oral sex involving both your genitals and anus. The woman will position herself in a straddling position, while her partner (either male or female) will pleasure her orally. Some people have extreme queening kinks, meaning they prefer this kind of sex over the traditional kind.
Role-play is a very common sexual kink. It basically refers to when when people act out roles or storylines in order to turn each other on. It can crossover into many other kinks like medical fetishes or age-play, and can be a brilliant way of injecting some spice into your sex life. Role-playing can come with costumes and props, or can be as simple as sexting, dirty talk, or thinking out an elaborate story to draw out the sexual act.
Sensory deprivation is when one sexual partner removes stimulation and/or senses from the other. This means that the other sensations become more powerful, intense and extreme. An example of this would be a person wearing blindfold and earplugs, while concentrating on the what they can feel e.g. touch.
This kink is very obscure and incredibly risky. Some people get aroused by being buried alive. Similar to claustrophilia, arousal from confined spaces, this kink is best undertaken on a fantasy basis and with a sexual partner you trust. The real thing is super dangerous and not recommended.
More commonly known as golden showers, urophilia is when you urinate on somebody. This can be done on their face, on their body, in their mouth, in their vagina or on any other sexual organs. It’s usually done as part of domination or humiliation, so is another kink that falls within the realms of BDSM.
This term refers to being sexually aroused by bondage, and more specifically being tied up or tying your sexual partner up. Remember that all parties involved must give ongoing consent, as with any of the kinks listed in this A–Z.
Wet and messy fetish (WAM), also known sploshing, is a sexual fetish that involves people becoming sexually aroused by wet and messy substances being applied to naked skin – whether it be their own, or their sexual partner’s. Some people like to be covered in wet, messy or sticky substances, while some people enjoy watching others get drenched. WAM can included getting pelted with cream pies (or shaving foam), slime, cakes, food, custard or other liquids.
Okay, it doesn’t technically start with an ‘X’ but we had to include it! Some people enjoy hot wax being poured over their bodies as a part of temperature play. Luckily, general candle wax doesn’t need to be used (and isn’t advised either) because purpose-made candles have been created, specifically for wax play. There are candles that exist to burn at a specific temperature to ensure you won’t get burnt (or burn your partner). Not only does the temperature play feel great, but as the candle burns, the wax turns into massage oil.
Yiffing is when people dress up in furry costumes to grope, fondle and hump each other. Usually no sex act is undertaken, and most of the time yiffing is done in a group setting.
Cuckolding often coincides with an element of zelophilia, which is arousal and pleasure from jealousy – whether it be your own jealousy towards a lover, or their jealousy of you.
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If you want to have great sex, you’re going to have to speak up. Every person and every sexual relationship is different, so it’s important to be open with your partner about what works best for you. With all the historical stigma surrounding sex, prevailing slut-shaming, and a severe lack of practical education in high school sex-ed, the idea of talking to your partner about sex might feel a bit overwhelming. The good news is, the more you talk about sex with your partner, the easier it will become — and the better the sex will be. Remember that your partner isn’t a mind reader, so being vocal about what feels good is the surest way to improve things in the bedroom. Here’s exactly what you need to know to start conversations about what you want in bed, according to sex experts.
It’s safe to say you probably weren’t taught how to talk about sex, but it’s never too late to learn. If you’ve been avoiding talking about what you want in bed, know that it’s probably your best chance at having more satisfying sex.
“Our partners are not mind readers, as much as we’d like them to be,” said Emily Morse, host of the longest-running sex and relationship podcast, Sex With Emily. “[They] have no way of knowing what we want in bed until we let them know, until we guide them and tell them what we want,” she told POPSUGAR.
By avoiding the conversation, we’re failing to help our partners understand, and we’re failing to advocate for our own pleasure. “Speaking from someone who had plenty of hookups without ever using my words, I thought, ‘Well, it’s one night and I don’t want to seem needy,’ or, ‘I don’t want to seem like I’m too much, so I’m just going to go along with it and feign pleasure, or just be more performative rather than communicative,'” Morse said. “I think a lot of women choose to be performative rather than communicative.”
Though keeping quiet or faking pleasure might seem easier, it’s stopping you from having better sex. The only way to get what you want from your partners, short of some lucky guessing on their behalf, is to talk to them about what you like.
Growing up, we receive all kinds of cultural messages about sex, often discouraging us from talking about it. Especially if you are a woman, queer, or a person of color, talking about sex and celebrating your sexuality can be looked at as shameful or even dangerous. But the truth is, it is OK to talk about sex, especially to the person you’re having it with. Though your upbringing might make it difficult to talk to your partner about what you want in bed, you can work through these hangups over time.
“There’s so much guilt and shame wrapped up in the silence and in what we don’t say, and that can be debilitating for a lifetime,” Morse said. “The sooner you get comfortable having these conversations [about what you like in bed], it’ll impact your sex life and will impact your quality of life overall, because it’s not just the conversations in the bedroom, it’s conversations everywhere we avoid having.”
In fact, Morse explained that talking about what we like in bed is important “because our sexual health is an important part of our overall health and wellness.” She went on to say that “once we decide that this is something that is a crucial part of our development, then we realize that it’s not just some frivolous ask or [something that] makes us superficial or makes us greedy, and we just realize that it’s actually part of our mental health and well-being.” By prioritizing your sexual well-being and learning to communicate what you do and don’t like, you’ll get better at advocating for yourself both in and outside the bedroom.
If you’re avoiding talking about sex with your partner because you haven’t had the chance to really discover what you like yet, take the opportunity to get to know yourself better. The solution to this is in your hands — literally.
“I think the reason why we don’t ask for what we want and we don’t talk about it is because we don’t know what we want,” Morse said. “And so that’s why it’s important to really figure out what we want on our own through masturbation and exploration and to really figure out your erogenous zones and what feels good.”
Activist and sex educator Ericka Hart, M.Ed., suggests using a yes/no/maybe list if you’re looking for ways to start exploring yourself sexually. “It gives you copious amounts of examples of different actions — you don’t have to come up with them on your own, nor do you have to be an expert on all things sex-related,” Hart told POPSUGAR.
There are plenty of resources available online that provide the sex education you didn’t receive in school. “Find other resources and tools that sexuality educators, sex therapists, and others in the sexuality field create and make available to support people in feeling affirmed in having conversations about what you want sexually,” Hart said. “There are classes, online webinars, worksheets, local events, you name it, all to fill significant gaps in our often pleasure-averse societal and educational institutions. For example, Afrosexology is a great resource started by two Black femme sexuality educators.”
Especially if you’re anxious to talk to your partner, practice will help. “I think you could practice, you could write it out, you could say it in the shower, practice looking in the mirror,” Morse said. “It helps me before I have any big call or any big meeting. I take 10 really deep breaths. You can hold it for five seconds, exhale for five seconds. I mean, that completely changes your nervous system and helps so much with anxiety.”
Think through what you want to say, and picture how you want the conversation to go. “What’s your goal in this conversation? What do you hope the outcome looks like?” Morse asked. “It’s like visualization, like athletes in the Olympics thinking about their meet ahead of time. So you just visualize it going well, you say, ‘I’m doing this for my sexual health and wellness, I’m doing this to be a better lover to myself and others.'”
Whether it’s a one-night stand or long-term relationship, it’s worth giving your partner guidance so you can fully participate in the pleasure of the experience. Even if you don’t have a long-standing sexual relationship with someone, you can still work on communicating what you like to your partners.
Morse recommends completely rethinking how you look at a one-time sexual encounter. “I think that if you are having a one-night stand, I’d love to reframe this and have it be like, ‘Oh, I don’t know if I’ll see [them] again. I might as well practice,’ because it is a practice of asking for what you want,” Morse said. Instead of thinking that you shouldn’t be overly open since you won’t be seeing them again, flip that narrative on its head and use the fact that you won’t see them again as a way to completely take off the pressure and practice being more vocal than you might be otherwise.
It takes two to tango, and it also takes two (or more) to talk. A major component of a good conversation is the person you’re having it with. “Far too often, folks might not feel comfortable enough to share without fear of retribution, a negative response on the other end, or others’ judgments or assumptions about what they themselves are willing to do or not do sexually,” Hart said. “One of the most important aspects in any sexual relationship is that you are able to openly share what feels good for you.”
Consider what your dynamic is like with your partner. “Make sure trust is established and that there are clear understandings of consent,” Hart told POPSUGAR. “I would also suggest not having conversations about sexual desires in an aroused state.” Instead, initiate these conversations in a relaxed and comfortable atmosphere outside the bedroom.
Remember that even if you brought up the subject, it’s just as important to listen as it is to speak. “Be present, listen, don’t add your stuff, your judgments,” Hart said. “Share what you’re willing to do or not from their desires.” Additionally, Hart emphasized that “these conversations should not contain pressure, coercion, or manipulation of any sort.”
Remember that a good partner is going to be excited to meet you where you are. “I can’t emphasize enough that the lovers that you want to be with are going to be hopefully heavily invested in and enthusiastic about being there for you,” Morse said.
Talking to your partner about what you want in bed is a great way to improve your sex life, show up for yourself, and show up for your partner. Even if you don’t have a lot of experience doing it, you’ll get better in time, and ultimately so will your sex life. And remember, Hart reminded, “Have fun, and be open to [your] desires changing over time. Nothing is set in stone. Have this conversation often.”
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Houston, we have a problem! Love and sex need to happen in space if we hope to travel long distances and become an interplanetary species, but space organizations are not ready.
National agencies and private space companies — such as NASA and SpaceX — aim to colonize Mars and send humans into space for long-term missions, but they have yet to address the intimate and sexual needs of astronauts or future space inhabitants.
This situation is untenable and needs to change if we hope to settle new worlds and continue our expansion in the cosmos — we’ll need to learn how to safely reproduce and build pleasurable intimate lives in space. To succeed, however, we also need space organizations to adopt a new perspective on space exploration: one that considers humans as whole beings with needs and desires.
As researchers exploring the psychology of human sexuality and studying the psychosocial aspects of human factors in space, we propose that it is high time for space programs to embrace a new discipline: space sexology, the comprehensive scientific study of extraterrestrial intimacy and sexuality.
Love and sex are central to human life. Despite this, national and private space organizations are moving forward with long-term missions to the International Space Station (ISS), the moon and Mars without any concrete research and plans to address human eroticism in space. It’s one thing to land rovers on another planet or launch billionaires into orbit — it’s another to send humans to live in space for extended periods of time.
In practice, rocket science may take us to outer space, but it will be human relations that determine if we survive and thrive as a spacefaring civilization. In that regard, we argue that limiting intimacy in space could jeopardize the mental and sexual health of astronauts, along with crew performance and mission success. On the other hand, enabling space eroticism could help humans adapt to spacelife and enhance the well-being of future space inhabitants.
After all, space remains a hostile environment, and life aboard spacecrafts, stations or settlements poses significant challenges for human intimacy. These include radiation exposure, gravitational changes, social isolation and the stress of living in remote, confined habitats. In the near future, life in space may also limit access to intimate partners, restrict privacy and augment tensions between crew members in hazardous conditions where co-operation is essential.
To date, however, space programs have almost completely omitted the subject of sex in space. The few studies that relate to this topic mostly focus on the impacts of radiation and micro- or hyper-gravity on animal reproduction (rodents, amphibians and insects).
But human sexuality is about more than just reproduction. It includes complex psychological, emotional and relational dynamics. Love and sex are also pursued for fun and pleasure. As such, space exploration requires the courage to address the intimate needs of humans honestly and holistically.
Abstinence is not a viable option. On the contrary, facilitating masturbation or partnered sex could actually help astronauts relax, sleep and alleviate pain. It could also help them build and maintain romantic or sexual relationships and adapt to spacelife.
Importantly, addressing the sexological issues of human life in space could also help combat sexism, discrimination and sexual violence or harassment, which are unfortunately still pervasive in science and the military — two pillars of space programs.
Due to taboos and conservative sexual views, some organizations may choose to ignore the realities of space intimacy and sexuality. They may also think that this is a non-issue or that there are more pressing matters to attend to. But this attitude lacks foresight, since producing quality science takes time and resources, and sexual health — including pleasure — is increasingly recognized as a human right.
More and more, this means that space agencies and private companies may be held accountable for the sexual and reproductive well-being of those that they take into space.
Thus, space organizations who submit to their conservative funders will likely pay the price of their inaction in a very public and media-fueled way when disaster strikes. The hammer may fall particularly hard on the organizations who have not even tried addressing human eroticism in space, or when the world learns that they knowingly failed to conduct the proper research and take the necessary precautions that scientists have been requesting for more than 30 years.
To move forward, space organizations must stop avoiding sexual topics and fully recognize the importance of love, sex and intimate relationships in human life.
Accordingly, we encourage them to develop space sexology as a scientific field and research program: one that not only aims to study sex in space, but also design systems, habitats and training programs that allow intimacy to take place beyond our home planet, Earth.
We further propose that, given its expertise and the sociopolitical climate of Canada, the Canadian Space Agency is ideally positioned to become a world leader in space sexology. We have what it takes to pave the way for an ethical and pleasurable space journey, as we continue to boldly go where no one has gone before.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Whether you’ve been in a monogamous relationship for years or you’re single and loving it, it’s easy to find yourself wanting to infuse your sex life with more adrenaline. After all, no matter how much you adore getting it on with your partner — or yourself — it’s just human nature to crave novelty between the sheets.
“As humans we are constantly growing, changing, and evolving” — and it’s normal to want your sex life to evolve as well, Stephanie Macadaan, a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Bay Area, California, points out.
Nazanin Moali, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist in Torrance, California agrees, adding that sexual pleasure can suffer when sexual experiences feel monotonous and routine. “While the sense of safety that couples feel with one another can deeply enhance sex life, over time, it may also become mundane and repetitive,” she notes. “It is vital and healthy for couples to push themselves to introduce change and novelty, even if only by a small amount. This ensures that the security, care, and intimacy one feels with their partner doesn’t turn tedious.”
Here, several techniques for spicing up your sex life, according to experts.
You might feel ready to dive into experimenting with new toys, positions, or something like role-playing but also find that you or your partner are grappling with underlying fear or hesitation. This is due to messaging that certain types of sexual play are not acceptable or are shameful, says Macadaan. That’s why it’s important to first reflect on and get in touch with what you learned around this in order to bolster openness around sex, she explains.
“It’s also really important to talk openly with your partner about what you are each comfortable with,” she adds. “Sex can be a sensitive topic, so getting help from a therapist may help to ensure you are staying connected, on the same page, and not feeling pressured or pushed into things that don’t feel comfortable.”
It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the many ways you might be able to switch up your between-the-sheets routine, but Kate Balestrieri, Psy.D., sex and intimacy therapist and founder of Modern Intimacy suggests thinking of it as simply adding a new or less frequently included dimension to your sexual repertoire. “This could be a mindset, a position, an accessory, fantasy, etc.,” she notes.
A few steps to consider taking when you’re first getting started:
Get academic.
Balestrieri recommends checking out the sexual education site OMGyes, whether you’re solo or partnered. “It’s a great resource for vulva owners or the people who are intimate with them,” she says. “Their science-backed research on pleasure offers tons of new ways to play.”
And Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D., NYU professor of Human Sexuality and a sexpert for LELO likes online courses offered by Kenneth Play, Beducated.com, and KinkAcademy.com. “People can also take in-person or online workshops at sex stores and communities like the Pleasure Chest, Babeland, or Hacienda,” she adds.
Share a sexual fantasy with your partner.
Even if you don’t plan to explore it in real life, tell your partner about a fantasy you’ve had. “Giving your partner access to your hidden, sexual thoughts can feel vulnerable and sexy to both of you,” says Moali. “Through this, you may also be able to open the door to exploring shared sexual interests.”
Along the same track: Read erotica and listen to steamy podcasts or stories (an app to try: Dipsea).
Get creative with toys.
When you think about sex toys, dildos and vibrators are likely the first examples to pop into your mind. But there are a variety of toys that can be used all over the body to crank up the intensity and fun of foreplay — during partnered or solo sex. Balestrieri recommends the following:
Go shopping.
If you want to get more hands-on with toy selection, Amy Baldwin, sex educator, sex and relationship coach, and co-host of the Shameless Sex Podcast recommends going on a date to your local sex toy shop — solo or with your S.O. “Walk around the shop and check out all of the toys that are available to you,” she advises. “The best sex-positive shops will have knowledgeable employees who can tell you more about each toy while providing specific recommendations based on your preferences.”
You can then add the toys you find to one of three lists labeled, “yes,” “no,” and maybe.” “Some toys might be a strong yes while others might be a strong no, and that’s for you to decide,” says Baldwin. From there, you can start out with the one(s) that felt like a no-brainer.
Set the stage for dirty talk.
Speaking of sexually-charged communication, Vrangalova recommends trying any of the following if you want to get started with dirty talk:
Invite aggression to the party.
Sure, you might not be ready for full-blown Christian Grey-level activities, but moving from more vanilla to rougher play with a partner might appeal. “If you’re new to pain exchange during sex, you might try some light biting, pinching, or spanking before moving to more aggressive moves,” says Balestrieri.
However, a word of warning to bear in mind along the way: “Always get enthusiastic consent before you try something aggressive and check-in throughout to ensure your partner is still on board,” she notes. “Establish a safe word, so you both have a hard stop if anyone gets uncomfortable. Remember to engage in adequate aftercare after your aggressive sexual experience to help each other transition back to your everyday lives and to debrief.”
Come up with a sexy schedule.
Vrangalova recommends setting up a weekly or bi-weekly or monthly — whatever works with your schedules — research and development play date. Every time, one of you can introduce a new toy, accessory, or sex act for you to both try to whatever extent you are both comfortable with.
As she notes, “Some things might work great, and you might incorporate them more regularly into your sex life; others might not work out and you get to laugh about them.” And ultimately, openness and experimentation with the activities that didn’t work out can elevate your overall pleasure.
The bottom-line, according to Macadaan: “It’s normal for sex to ebb and flow throughout a relationship, but if sex and intimacy decrease to the point of feeling disconnected, it’s important to notice that and put a renewed focus on that part of your life as a couple. After all, if you’re monogamous, sex is the one thing that makes your relationship unique from every other relationship in your life.”
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
By Jera Brown
This guide isn’t going to be exhaustive, or it would be book-length. And, in fact, there are some great books about how to get started in BDSM. For starters, I recommend checking out
But what you’ll find below should give you some great starting points and some things to consider as you explore (or entertain exploring) BDSM from an intersectional feminist perspective.
Jump to a section:
Let’s make sure we’re on the same page by starting with some terms.
BDSM is a rather complex acronym with the letters meaning different things depending on their pairing. B and D stand for Bondage and Discipline; D and s stand for Dominance and submission; and S and M stand for Sadism and Masochism.
But what does all of that mean?
You probably have ideas in your head about what BDSM looks like: leather-clad Dominatrixes and naked submissives wearing collars, dimly lit dungeons where people are tied up and hit with things. And all of this is true and (for some) intriguing. But let’s flesh out that vision, a little.
For starters, BDSM can be something you do. For instance, if you tie up a partner or spank them with a paddle, that’s participating in BDSM.
But BDSM can also be a mindset; a way of defining roles in a relationship; a framework through which you express your desires and limits with a partner; and a community of people interested in alternative expressions of sexuality, intimacy, and power.
BDSM often involves an exchange of power between two or more people: someone in a Dominant or top role and someone in a submissive or bottom role. The person submitting gives the person(s) dominating them permission to take control over the situation. This power dynamic can last over a particular period of time (or a scene) or be ongoing in a relationship.
What I love about BDSM and kink is that your creativity is the limit to what you can do with it. In their New Bottoming Book, Dossie and Janet define S/M as “play, theater, communication, intimacy, sexuality. It combines the child’s urge for make-believe with the adult’s ability to take responsibility and the adult’s privilege of sexual reward.”
That definition can encompass a whole lot of types of activities, right? Not only getting blindfolded and flogged or whatever first comes to mind.
If you’re looking for places to start, besides what you fantasize about, consider signing up for workshops sponsored by a local group or online. Check out organizations like Kinky Kollege or workshops by Midori.
So what about kink?
Kink is a very, very vague term. And many people use kink and BDSM interchangeably which, unless you’re a really old-school Dominant or Master, is perfectly fine. Because, as we saw above, BDSM can mean a lot of things, as well.
But, where BDSM has at least a set of terms (Bondage, dominance, etc) that help define what it is, kink doesn’t.
In Playing Well With Others, Williams and Harrington define kink as shorthand for:
The great big world of sexual adventure, including, but not limited to, voyeurism, exhibitionism, fetishism, fantasy role-playing, cross-dressing, power exchange, swinging, leather identity, erotic restraint, consensual non-monogamy, ‘naughty sex’ and BDSM between consenting adults. In short, the realm of sexuality perceived to be outside the mainstream.”
Folks often describe themselves as being “kinky” or “into kink” when they’re interested in exploring things considered sexually deviant which, once again, can be about anything.
A good way of looking at it is that you may want to use the word kink in a conversation if you want to explain your interested in exploring (sex, relationships, etc) in ways that are out of the norm. Just be prepared for someone else to have totally different assumptions about what you mean.
The short answer is no. But BDSM, as well as other kinky activities, has to potential to fit nicely within a feminist value system.
There’s a newish trend for separating ethical non-monogamy from non-monogamy, in general. So someone who is open about dating multiple people at once or being in an open marriage might say they’re ethically non-monogamous.
Similarly, let’s assume that what we’re describing in this article is a way of participating in “ethical BDSM.”
And when I say feminist, I mean: Requiring equity in one’s relationships, actions, and communities for all people, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, religious background, physical ability, age, race, and other identity components while being aare of and celebrating those differences.
The most common objections to BDSM are that BDSM is just an excuse to support patriarchal gender roles or to enable abuse.
Some feminists consider BDSM just another “system of oppression” that encourages violence against women and other gender minorities and takes away their agency.
One reason for these objections is that it’s considerably more common in cisgender heterosexual relationships for the woman to be in the submissive role. In a study published by the Journal of Sexual Medicine, over half of the women surveyed reported desires about being submissive.
But for many women exploring their submissiveness, what makes it a feminist act is their ability to choose what they want to explore. This choice is the foundation of their agency. BDSM also provides a structure for exploring this power dynamic that prioritizes consent.
Kink also isn’t inherently inclusive. Many kink events do a horrible job of being accessible. Kink communities can be transphobic, ageist, racist.
From tying someone up to participating in a power dynamic, much of BDSM or kink involves physical and/or emotional risk.
Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK)
There is a framework that many BDSM practitioners use to practice kink and BDSM ethically. This is RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink). Risk-aware means understanding the risks of a given activity before participating in it: essentially doing one’s homework. For many types of play, such as bondage and impact play, such as whips, floggers, and canes, I strongly recommend taking classes to learn the physical risks and how to do things safely.
Risk-awareness is also an acknowledgment that the level of risk any two people are willing to assume is different and that’s ok.
Now, consent in a power dynamic can get trickier. So how does one truly give consent when giving someone control over their body or actions? That’s where negotiation comes in.
Negotiation is Key
Before one participates in kinky play, negotiation is so important. Here are some things to discuss (at the very minimum):
Here are some other resources on negotiation to get you started:
The benefits of red and yellow
Instead of some random safeword that you might have a hard time remembering, many kinksters use red and yellow, which are easy to remember. Red tends to mean “full stop,” and yellow means “I’m approaching my limit” or “pause.”
When you’re deciding on which terms to use, you should also discuss what they mean to everyone involved. For instance, does saying red mean the scene should end right then and there or does it mean you take a break and discuss? Do you prefer to say yellow as a way of saying you want to discuss what’s happening or to ask the top to move on from a particular body part or action?
It can also be important to know what someone means when they say “no” during a scene. Don’t make assumptions — talk it through beforehand.
For some, the idea of submitting to someone else is as unattractive as doing one’s taxes. For others, being in a dominant position comes with the same anxiety as talking in public. And then there are folks, often referred to as switches, who desire both. Whether they feel like topping or bottoming might depend on how they relate or interact to a given person or the person’s gender or the season.
Folks can be a self-identified dominant, top, submissive, bottom, or switch. Or it can simply be a role they assume in a given scene.
In fact, in an interview with Rebellious, sex educator, performer, and Shibari expert, Midori explains that she sees these roles more as verbs than nouns:
“A person is not ‘a dominant.’ A person is a person. A person engages in dominance. Or hungers for dominance or hungers for submission. So when we say a person is a top, a bottom, a dominant, a submissive, I think we engage in the subconscious reduction and objectification of the self, and that is not good. It’s a counter to feminism and it’s counter to humanism.
“Now, I understand if we’re using this as shorthand. Let’s say you and I are playmates and I say, “I’m your bottom.” Then that’s kind of romantic. But that’s coming from a place of understanding complexity.”
After reading this interview, I started making it a habit to tell folks “I switch,” as opposed to “I am a switch.”
Beyond the basics, there are many, many roles one can take in a kinky relationship. One can be a daddy or mommy, a boi, a big. little, brat, leather sibling, pony, puppy, owner, master, slave, mistress, and so on. As you explore, you’ll learn what these roles mean (to others and possibly to you). Being able to assume a new role with someone can help you expand or define your unique relationship and what you want out of it. To learn more about various roles, I recommend exploring Fetlife. If a term intrigues you, search for a group about that role.
So where do you meet other fellow kinky folks? The best place to go is Fetlife, which is a bit like Facebook for Kinksters. Please keep in mind it is very not safe for work!
But I’d like to offer a couple of tips on how to approach the site because it can be a bit overwhelming.
Most people don’t want to hear from strangers.
Many folks use Fetlife as a dating site and look for cuties in their area. Sometimes this works well. In fact, I wound up in a great relationship with someone I randomly messaged. But for the most part, people don’t want to get random, impersonal “Hey you’re cute, can I get to know you?” messages.
If you really like what someone has on their profile, then at the very least, send more personal messages if you want to get to know someone. But also please check to see if they have something on their profile about not wanting to hear from randos.
You’re better off getting involved in forums and community events to build an organic connection. And, in fact, there are many dating forums where you can post or respond to folks that are specifically looking for someone.
If you’re shy or nervous, reach out to an event organizer
If you want to get involved, but you’re nervous about it, look for an event you’re interested in, then find the person in charge of the event. These are generally people that have taken an interest in building the BDSM community and will be happy to help.
When I was getting started, I thought that being a good submissive meant accepting whatever the Dominant wanted, which isn’t even remotely true. Thankfully I was lucky enough to work with some experienced, thoughtful tops who negotiated well and were communicative as we played.
But many of my experiences could’ve been better if I’d known it was ok to speak up more about what I wanted. Now, these dynamics can work in many ways. Perhaps a submissive wants to give up control completely to a Dominant during a scene — which is fine if it’s well negotiated. But it doesn’t need to be that way. It’s also okay to speak up in the middle of a scene and say, “This isn’t working, can we try something else?” or stop the scene completely, etc. And all submissives need to know that you’re not failing or being bad when you speak up.
For more, check out Julia Swann’s three-part series on Self-Advocacy as a Bottom.
When it comes to lots of types of kinky play, I have a low pain threshold compared to others. I am not what is known as a “pain slut.” I like just enough pain or discomfort to keep me in the moment and give me that adrenaline rush.
I am not the right play partner for many Dominants/Sadists who want their bottom to take as much pain as they can dish out. Nope! Not for me!
Many submissives can feel pressured (either by themselves or by a top) into taking more pain than they want. Which is dumb. And I think it has to do with the competitive nature of our culture.
BDSM allows you to play with one’s pain threshold which has a number of benefits, such as exploring your physical and emotional limits, achieving a sense of mindfulness, achieving “subspace” — a blissful headspace that can feel like a high, build new self-knowledge, go through something challenging with another person. Unless you’re intentionally specifically looking to be competitive with another person, you don’t need to take more pain to achieve these benefits.
Fun kinky play doesn’t need to involve pain at all. It can be an emotional journey, a sensual journey, and so much more. In other words, you don’t have to be a masochist: someone that takes pleasure from pain.
Remember, your imagination is the limit of what you can do using a kink framework: establishing a power dynamic, negotiation, etc.
To me, the primary point of kinky activities is how to nurture connection, both with the person(s) you’re playing with and with yourself. And the best way to kink is however best nurtures that connection, with lots of pain, a moderate amount, or no pain at all. And if you and a potential play partner can’t agree on this, you’re probably not a good match.
When I got involved in the kink community, I had the opportunity to play with all sorts of people. Some of them I was sexually attracted to, but many I wasn’t. I learned quickly that this was okay. Not all kinky play needs to be sexual in nature and, in fact, we get to define what sexual means to us!
For me, play is often more “sensual,” than “sexual.” I feel more alive in my body when I play, but I don’t always feel aroused. And rarely do I involve my genitals in kinky scenes.
For some, kink is always foreplay, and that’s okay too.
This is another way that you get to decide who you want to play with and how.
When you’re participating in BDSM, you’re often pushing physical and emotional limits in a way that can trigger past trauma or even create new trauma. Especially when you’re playing with new people or intentionally playing with actions you know you have trauma around, it’s super, super important to know how you respond to trauma and explain it to the person you’re playing with. (Note, tops can also have trauma responses — this isn’t just for bottoms).
Once, when I was bottoming for someone who ended up not being a very emotionally safe person, afterwards, I curled up in a ball on his bed. This, I found out, is one of my physical responses during a traumatic event.
On the other hand, the only time I’ve ever cried during a scene, I left wondering if I’d gone too far. I spoke to a mentor who asked me how I felt afterward. Exhilarated. Eager to have another scene with this person.
She asked me how I’d felt when things had gone wrong before, and I thought back to that time when I curled up in a ball: anxious, depressed.
I now know what to look for when I’m heading into dangerous territory, and I can tell anyone I’m playing with what to look for, as well.
It’s also really important to know whether you are able to verbally communicate when you’re triggered. If you tend to go non-verbal this is something you should tell your partners (and it’s something we should always be asking before a scene).
For more on trauma and play, check out:
There are soooo many self-identified dominant individuals on dating websites who are looking for new people to play with. Many tout that they’re experienced, and when you’re eager to explore BDSM, it can feel very exciting to come across such a person.
But many of these people (usually cisgender men) aren’t safe to play with. They’re generally looking for inexperienced women who don’t know what to look out for. So how can you tell whether they’re worth getting to know?
I tend to ask people to describe how they negotiate a scene. If they don’t have a good answer, then they’re not safe.
Another thing to do is say no to simple things, such as whether we can exchange phone numbers or another request. If they ever, ever get pushy about anything, they’re not safe.
I hope this guide gives you some starting ways to approach BDSM or kink as a feminist. For me, some of the keys are encouraging inclusivity, prioritizing enthusiastic consent, using BDSM or kink as a means of empowering myself and others, and challenging societal norms.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
By Hafsa Lodi
‘Orgasm’ and ‘Islam‘ are two words you don’t typically see together. I never thought I’d use them in the same sentence and certainly never imagined I’d have the guts to write publicly about sex. It just isn’t something you talk about as a Muslim, especially if you’re female.
And so I can’t help but do a double take when I see the O word used colloquially by female Muslim personalities on social media. A post on @villageauntie’s Instagram states: “My orgasm is not optional.” “Orgasm is one part of a spectrum of sexual pleasure that Allah has created our bodies to experience,” reads a caption by @sexualhealthformuslims. Both platforms are treasure troves of advice, insight and tips tailored for Muslims – invitations to not-so-secret social media networks that work to remove stigma and democratise faith-based discussions about sex.
An Instagram poll of 615 Muslims revealed that growing up, only 9% had any sort of sex ed from a religious framework. Yemeni-British musician Noha Al-Maghafi, known as Intibint, recalls living in Yemen and being instructed to rip out the pages on reproduction from her science book in Year 6. In Year 9, her biology teacher gave her girls’ class a covert lesson on sex ahead of some students’ impending weddings. For other Muslim women, sex ed may amount to a whisper from their mother ahead of their wedding night, reminding them to shower afterwards to purify themselves. What happens in between is often pieced together from gossip, magazines, movies and television shows.
Intentions to shelter young Muslims from education about sex might be well-meaning – an extension of protecting their chastity and overall naivety – but there are far-reaching consequences to promoting this sort of ignorance. Lack of awareness and education about sex can lead to a fear of intimacy, unbalanced sexual roles, unenjoyable sex and, in extreme cases, marital rape. Thankfully, there is a movement brewing to demystify sexual education for Muslims, driven largely by women on social media who are speaking openly about sex. Discussing topics like consent, fertility, ejaculation and orgasms, their guidance is imbued with religious language and emphasises the equality of genders in sexual intimacy.
Sameera Qureshi of @sexualhealthformuslims is an occupational therapist and sexual health educator whose teachings are grounded in Islamic spirituality. A decade ago she was helping Muslim immigrants to acclimatise to Canadian society. Upon realising that sexual health wasn’t being addressed in Islamic schools, she helped to develop and facilitate an “Islamically oriented curriculum” for sexual health. “I just thought, How can we not bring Islam into this, it’s a part of our life,” she explains. Fast-forward to 2021 and Qureshi now offers consultation services, teaches courses and provides free, informative content through her platform. “There are just too many restrictions for Muslims to get this information, and what better way to do it [than] through social media and online courses? Nothing like this exists in terms of there being a journey in sex ed for Muslims – everything is very scattered and piecemeal,” she says.
Angelica Lindsey-Ali (known by her social media moniker, Village Auntie) is an intimacy and relationships expert in America who began discussing sex with groups of Muslim women while living in Saudi Arabia and now offers courses through her Village Auntie Institute. “My work lies at the intersection of the sacred and the sacral – so I like to talk about spirituality while using sex as a framework to have those discussions,” she explains. “Everything I do is focused on women. I’m not really interested in male perspectives just because I think that we’ve been overwrought with male perceptions about sexuality and the female body.”
Orthodox Muslim positions on sex have been interpreted and passed down primarily by men, so seeing Muslim spokeswomen striving to change the narratives around sex in Muslim communities is quite revolutionary. However it isn’t only women who are lifting the veil on sexual awareness and empowerment. Habeeb Akande is a UK-based Muslim historian, sex educator and author of seven books, including A Taste of Honey: Sexuality and Erotology in Islam. To celebrate International Female Orgasm Day on 8th August, he hosted a webinar for men to learn about female pleasure. “I’m passionate about female sensuality and aim to close the gender orgasm gap,” he says. “I believe every man should know how to help a woman climax until she is truly satisfied, and that every woman should understand her body and feel entitled to pleasure from her man.”
Exuding charisma and approachability, these educators are in stark contrast to the often fear-based ‘religious’ sexual discourse, rife with foreboding words like ‘impure’ and ‘haram’ (forbidden), which can perpetuate a cycle of shame. The little information that does seep through the cracks of censorship is often patriarchal, emphasising men’s active role and women’s passivity. “A lot of Muslim scholars incorrectly understand sexual response,” says Qureshi. “They often talk about males having ‘really strong, sexual drives’ and unfortunately this gets relegated to mean that men have no control over their sexual desire, that when they’re aroused, they need sex and that it’s the role of the woman to satisfy that in marriage – not vice versa. This creates an environment that’s very inequitable for sexual pleasure in marriage.”
Conversely, many Muslims emphasise the egalitarianism of the Quran’s message, which refers to spouses as ‘garments’ for one another. Akande points out that in several of his sermons, the Prophet Muhammad urged men to treat women well, which includes being affectionate and providing financial support, sexual fulfilment and emotional security. “Sadly, many women have been raised to believe their body belongs to their father or husband,” he says. “Some even incorrectly believe that Islam permits a man to force himself on his wife and that ‘good women’ do not initiate intimacy with their husbands.” The misconception that sex is just for men needs to be dispelled, believes Akande; in Islam, women have just as much right as men to sexual pleasure. “It is also important to debunk myths regarding male sexual entitlement as some Muslims erroneously believe consent does not exist in marriage,” he adds, explaining that these attitudes stem from cultural understandings and are not aligned with Islamic values. “Oftentimes people conflate Islam with culture, and Islamic teachings with Muslim practices.”
When Akande travelled to Egypt to study Arabic and Islamic law at Cairo’s Al Azhar University, he came across numerous ‘sex manuals’ written by male Islamic scholars – findings that he believes would surprise many Muslims today. “Erotic texts such as Encyclopaedia of Pleasure by Jawami’ Al-Ladhdha and The Perfumed Garden by Al-Rawd Al-Atir emphasised the sexual needs of women and female romantic fulfilment for a pleasurable marital relationship,” he explains, adding that “sexually empowered women have long existed in Islam but their stories are often untold.”
Lifting the lid on this suppression of perspectives is the groundbreaking work of these Muslim ‘sexperts’ and social media has been instrumental in spreading their messages. “It has been one of my best tools for community generation because I can reach those women who live in places where I may never actually get a chance to visit,” says Lindsey-Ali. Muslims can turn to these educators with questions that they feel unable to ask their parents, teachers or spouses and will be met with refreshing responses presented in relatable Instagram posts – from Qureshi’s “Debunking myths about the hymen” and “Muslims and masturbation: a ‘touchy’ subject” to Lindsey-Ali’s “How to improve your stroke game” and “Tips for husbands maximising the possibility of female ejaculation”.
Because these educators’ approaches are rooted in religious beliefs, their teachings are intended for sex within marriage. Akande, however, offers advice for non-married Muslims struggling with desire and lists questions for them to ask potential spouses about sexual compatibility. Qureshi, meanwhile, plans on launching a pre-marital workshop about intimacy later this summer. She also believes that unmarried Muslims can benefit from following her platform. “I’m well aware that there are Muslims engaging in sex before marriage and they’re not doing so with best practices,” she says, adding that she follows a “harm reduction-based” approach which aims to minimise the health and social impacts of a practice without necessarily requiring one to abstain from it. “I’m not here to tell you what to believe, I’m someone who wants to expand the conversation and bring forward perspectives that we haven’t been exposed to, because Allah gave us intellect and we’re ultimately responsible for our decisions,” says Qureshi.
Using their public platforms to discuss topics traditionally relegated to the private sphere has brought some backlash from more conservative critics. Lindsey-Ali has a handful of messages from “creeps” in her inbox and has been told that she will “go to Hell” and Akande has been told that his work is “very inappropriate”. Nonetheless, the increasing number of clients, subscribers, readers and followers is testament to the high demand for their services, and these experts hope this is the beginning of a collective revival of candour when it comes to Muslims and sex. Female sex educator Dr Shaakira Abdullah, who goes by @thehalalsexpert on Instagram, is targeting future generations of Muslims and offers ‘halal sex talks’ courses for parents seeking to discuss sex openly with their children while “keeping them connected to God”.
“Sexually empowered women have long existed in Islam but their stories are often untold. — Habeeb Akande”
From a truly religious standpoint, the work of these educators is hardly radical or rebellious – they are calling for Muslims to return to the foundations of the faith and distinguish religious ethics and values from the patriarchal cultures which have clouded them. Qureshi points out that Islam, as a religion, has been colonised over the past couple of hundred years and that many Muslims have reacted with very purist interpretations. “Going back to our tradition, if we learn about the nature of what it means to be a Muslim and we really expand that to an internal journey, I think the remedy is there,” she says. “Sexual education to some folks seems really minute but if you look at our scripture, it’s a huge topic with so much sacredness.”
The sacredness of womanhood remains a focal point for Lindsey-Ali, who believes that a profound confidence in their faith is driving Muslim women’s spiritual reawakening to their rights in the bedroom. “I think women are going back and looking at the Quran and Islamic texts and saying, ‘Does it really say that?’ and trying to unearth the true teachings of Islam,” she says. In the process they’re learning some valuable lessons, like “My pleasure is just as important as his”.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Knowing how to talk about your fetish can feel tricky at the best of times. When’s the right moment to bring it up? How much detail do you go into? And how do you navigate if your partner isn’t into the same kinks as you?
If you’re on the fence about bringing it up at all, this may convince you. FYI, sexual fulfilment is actually really good for you – one PLoS One study found that, of all the things that impact sexual satisfaction, being open and honest with your partner about your sexual wishes is key.
“Kinky have been found to be mentally healthier than the general population,” shares sexpert Kate Sloan, author of 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do.
“Some experts think this is because kinky people have to communicate more than vanilla people if they want sexually satisfying relationships. Better communication improves relationship health, sexual satisfaction, and mental health, too.”
We bought you the best sex apps, dating sites and sex positions; condoms, lube and sex toys. For an expert run-down of what a fetish is, how to identify one, and how to broach the subject with your partner, keep scrolling.
A fetish is a non-standard sexual interest, explains Sloan. There are many different types of fetish, and fetishes can have different focuses – for example:
“Some people’s fetish might be their entire sexuality, effectively playing the same role in their life that ‘vanilla’ (non-kinky) sex does for people who lack any fetishes,” she continues. “However, for others, a fetish is just a special interest that they partake in some of the time.”
You would likely know if you had a fetish, shares the sexpert. “In many cases, it makes itself fairly obvious fairly early,” she says. “My spouse has an erotic hypnosis fetish, for example, and first noticed it when they were a kid and would feel deeply captivated and – yes, turned on – by scenes featuring hypnosis in movies like The Jungle Book.”
A ‘kink’, on the other hand, is usually considered to be a milder version of a fetish. “Think of a non-standard sexual interest that isn’t as pivotal to your sexuality as a fetish might be,” Sloan shares. FYI, kinks can be harder to identify.
Try this: if you find yourself feeling consistently drawn to particular kinky themes, perhaps in the porn you watch or the erotica you read, it could be worth doing some soul-searching. “Try and figure out whether your interest in that kink is just theoretical or if it’s something you actually want to try,” she explains.
Feeling a little anxious about discussing your fetish with your partner? That’s actually pretty normal.
“Some people are put off by fetishes,” Sloan expands. She reassures that a partner who cares about your pleasure and happiness will hopefully be able to see your fetish the way you do: as a creative, fulfilling, and fun potential component of your sex life together.
Keen to learn the best practice for disclosing your secret kinks? Keep scrolling.
Remember for the most part that kinks and fetishes are meant to be fun and pleasurable – so should be spoken about in the same way.
“When bringing it up, focus on explaining what turns you on about it and what you think you’d find hot about it if the two of you tried it together,” she recommends. Why not start the conversation by asking, ‘You know what would really turn me on?’ or ‘You know what I’ve been fantasising about a lot lately?’.
That way, your partner will have more contextual reference points. If you want to ask your partner to spank you, for example, you could say:
‘There was a jiggle balls scene in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie that I thought was hot. Have you ever used something like that?’
“This might make bringing it up easier and less scary,” says Sloan.
Again, this is another easy way to help them understand. “You could show them a fetish book, like 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do, or you could look up videos together on a site like Kink Academy that show what you’re interested in doing,” Sloan explains.
FYI, many people get nervous about their partners’ kinks because they don’t know what they’re actually expected to do in order to fulfil those fantasies. “Showing them what you find hot can be helpful,” Sloan highlights.
Remember that, no matter how long you’ve fantasised about it, that it’s still new territory for both of you. “Don’t expect your partner to be some kind of kinky robot, fulfilling your exact fantasy in the exact way you imagined,” recommends the sexpert.
Also remember that they’re a human being, not an actor for you to cast in your pre-existing erotic fantasy.
Try this: ask them what they find hot about your kink or fetish, if anything – or at least, which components of it seem less scary and intimidating to them. “You may have envisioned your partner playing the role of a strict disciplinarian, but maybe all they can muster at first is some mild bossiness – and that’s okay,” Sloan says. “Try not to rush them.”
Sloan points out that it’s often easier to handle sexual uncertainty if you’re playing a character. “Maybe you and your partner aren’t confident enough yet to do a full-on bondage and tickling scene. Why not do one while pretending to be a supervillain and superhero, or a drill sergeant and a new recruit, or a dominatrix and her client?” suggests Sloan.
“This can be an imaginative and low-pressure way to wade into a new kink together.”
Want to read up a little before you talk to your partner, or simple keen to explore more? The following resources might help.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Hello, my friends: Welcome to the safe space where kinksters, rookies, and all those in between unite. If you’re looking to explore a new fetish, maybe dabble in a few new kinks, or find out what exactly a brat is (…among other things), you’ve come to the right place.
Meet your new trusty sidekick that is low-key the R-rated version of Myers-Briggs: the BDSM test.
For the ~experienced~ kinksters, a BDSM test will help you find something new to try in (or out of) the bedroom. For those who are on the vanilla side looking to dabble into ventures you *might* be into, this test will also help you in all your sexy-time fun. Let’s get into all the details about it and what you can expect.
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It’s kind of like a Myers-Briggs test for sexual personality types, says Gabi Levi, a sexpert who runs erotica site Shag Story. But if you’re looking for a more ~solid~ definition, “BDSM tests are typically a list of various sexual acts and attitudes that the test taker ranks on a scale ranging from ‘I’m 100 percent into that’ to ‘Nope. Hard limit, never gonna happen,’” explains sex and relationship therapist Stefani Goerlich.
“You answer questions about what kinds of sensations you enjoy giving and receiving, how much control you like to take or give over in your relationships, and how you feel about various fantasy and role-play scenarios,” says Goerlich.
Some example Qs you can expect to answer:
Expect to be asked deeper, nonsexual questions because BDSM isn’t only a sexual experience—often times, it requires a high level of emotional intimacy too, says Levi.
Once you finish, you’ll end up on a page that shows off all your results, which is basically a list of which BDSM archetypes you align most with on a percentage scale from 0 to 100.
“You’ll receive a list of various power exchange dynamics, ranging from Fifty Shades–style light dominance and submission to master/slave lifestyles as well as more niche interests such as caregiver/little and pet play,” Goerlich explains. “The test then tells you, based on what you expressed an interest in, which dynamics might be most comfortable and enjoyable for you and your partner(s).”
Some of those look like brat and brat tamer, master/mistress and slave, caregiver and little, pet play, etc.
“At first glance, it can seem overwhelming, but BDSM can be so valuable to someone’s sex life, personal life, and emotional growth,” says Levi. “The world of BDSM is so much larger than most people think it is—it reaches beyond ‘dom’ and ‘sub’ archetypes into kinks and scenes that are uniquely specific to a participant’s sexual preferences.” Kind of cool, right?
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Alright, alright, now everything you’ve been waiting for: how to take this BDSM test. Head on over to BDSMTest.org or MojoUpgrade.com to take the test. They’re two of the best sites around with slight differences.
BDSMTest.org gives you a lengthy list of fetishes and kink dynamics along with a percentage rating of how aligned your answers were with each possibility. (Like, hi, I got 99 percent brat.) This one is probs best if you’re single or just curious about your own tastes.
MojoUpgrade.com is better for seeing how your kinks align with your partners’. It allows couples to separately rate their sexual interests, then at the end, groups everything you both agreed on into a list to explore and play with.
Both options can be really powerful tools to build trust and enhance communication within your relationship, says Goerlich.
A ton of really amazing ways. For one, “BDSM takes the fundamental ideas of power, play, and pleasure and puts them under a magnifying glass,” says Levi. “By understanding which elements of those fundamentals turn you on and turn you off is going to make you better understand your own sexuality and desires.”
Taking them can also help ease feelings of sexual shame or insecurity. “By taking tests such as these with your partner, you learn so much about what you might have in common but have been too afraid to talk about,” says Goerlich, whose clients often say they feel embarrassed or ashamed of what they want to do sexually.
Plus, who wouldn’t want to gauge sexual compatibility with your partner? Maybe it’s a lil much to pull out a BDSM test on date one, but if we’re asking about love languages and astrology signs, why not?
But remember this: Although BDSM tests can offer amazing insight into your own dream world of kink, they should only be used for inspo. “These are not psychological assessments that have been evaluated for reliability and validity,” Goerlich says. That said, my boyfriend and I can totally vouch for how much fun a BDSM test date night was.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
by Jodie Bond
We all know the benefits of mindfulness, but have you ever considered introducing aspects of mindful practice into your sex life? Many of us don’t associate calm and mindfulness with the passion we strive for in the bedroom, yet taking the time to think mindfully about sex is a great way to super-charge your love life.
Professor Lori Brotto is a psychologist and author from the University of British Columbia’s Sexual Health Laboratory. Considering the links she’s found in her research, Professor Brotto says: “A large body of scientific research shows that mindfulness significantly improves sexual desire, and several other facets of sexual function, mood, and sexual quality of life.”
Improving the way we tune-in to our bodies through mindfulness can improve the way we tune-in to our sexuality. These five steps will help you get started.
Think back to your most powerful sexual experience. Do you remember what was running through your head? It’s likely that you don’t. When we’re immersed in the throes of passion, we are seized by the moment. We give our whole being to it. And that is exactly what mindfulness is. Passionate sex is mindful sex: we give all our energy to the heat of the experience, with no room for distraction.
In long-term relationships, we often find ourselves slipping into autopilot. We put ourselves through the motions of sex without being present. Do you ever find yourself thinking about work, or your never-ending to-do list? Our thoughts can be a barrier to intimacy.
Be in the moment during sex. Focus on your senses, and not on how you’re performing. This will not only help both you and your partner to relax, but will make the experience more enjoyable. Focus on the parts of your body that are alight with sensation. Notice your movements, the rise and fall of your breath, the warmth and coolness, the shiver of your skin.
Talking to your partner about what you’re experiencing during sex will help you both gain a better understanding of how to dial up the pleasure. Those whispers between the sheets can also be a huge turn on.
Meditation and sex might sound like contradictory activities. Meditation is practised alone, usually in stillness and silence; sex is often active, noisy, and frequently practised with a partner! But these two activities are more complementary than you might think.
Research suggests that meditating in our daily lives has a positive impact on our enjoyment of sex. Regular meditation reduces the amount of the stress hormone, cortisol, that we produce. We all know that feeling stressed pushes sex down the priority list, and makes us more distracted when engaging with our partner. By lowering our stress levels through meditation, we can give our mind, and libido, the breathing space required to ignite our sense of desire.
Often, we think of an orgasm as the primary goal when having sex, but placing climax on a pedestal can create unwanted pressure. According to a study published in Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology, more than half of women struggle to climax through penetrative sex, and chasing after an orgasm can distract from other sensual pleasures, and lead to frustration. Letting go of expectations, and simply enjoying the moment for what it is, will often yield astonishing results.
It is easy for sex to slip down the list of priorities in long-term relationships – it’s not often given the time it deserves. A survey published in the British Medical Journal revealed that we are having less sex than we used to. This is often attributed to the fast pace of our modern lives.
A lot of value is placed on our ability to be spontaneous with sex, but there is no shame in scheduling it in. If you take one thing from this, promise yourself that you’ll dedicate a few hours to engage mindfully with sex.
Mindfulness is about finding an anchor for your focus. Let the anchor be your own body. Learn to return to that anchor when you are distracted, and you will revolutionise your love life. That’s a promise.
by Rosie Saunders
Shower sex looks easy in the movies, but the reality can be a little bit different. Getting steamy in the tub may be trickier than on dry land, but that’s no reason to write it off. A little pre-shower prep goes a long way.
With that in mind, we asked Mia Sabat, sex therapist at sexual wellbeing audio app Emjoy, to share the best positions for comfortable shower sex, along with extra tips and advice for taking your bathroom escapades up a level:
While this article refers to sex between a woman or a person with a vagina, and a man or a person with a penis, shower sex certainly isn’t gender-exclusive – nor does it require two people.
There’s plenty of fun you can have in the bath or shower by yourself, says Sabat – try lathering your body in special scented soaps or gels, or bring a sex toy into the mix.
‘The sky is the limit when it comes to shower sex, so long as you prioritise stability.’
‘There are plenty of waterproof options to help make things really exciting,’ she says. ‘The soothing nature of water can also help you to relax and unwind, giving your mind the space it needs to really get into the mood while helping you to build a truly powerful orgasm.’
If you are sharing the suds with a partner, try one of the following positions to make shower sex as comfortable and enjoyable as possible:
Also known as standing doggy style, this position is exceptionally satisfying when it comes to stimulating the clitoris and G-spot, says Sabat.
‘Not only does this position allow for over-the-top sensations and deeper penetration, but it enables you and your partner to be even more passionate and intimate, as you can kiss and caress one another while face-to-face,’ says Sabat. ‘A truly perfect way to make shower sex even steamier.’
‘The key to this position is making sure that whoever is receiving oral sex is standing, with the shower stream hitting their back, to shield the person who’s giving pleasure from any unwanted distractions,’ says Sabat.
‘This position means you’ll both be getting wet with the water coming from above,’ says Sabat. ‘Perfect for a partner that enjoys watching you when you’re on top.’
The sky is the limit when it comes to shower sex, so long as you prioritise stability, says Sabat. Before you begin, take precautions by using the right tools for the job – non-slip bath mats and lubricant (yep, lubricant) are key.
‘You might think water will suffice as a natural lubricant, but it actually has the opposite effect,’ Sabat says. ‘To ensure that penetration is comfortable throughout your steamy experience, use the correct lubricant for your situation.’
Foreplay is important – get stimulated before your switch the shower on. You could listen to literary or audio erotica, watch shower-based pornography, or experiment with ‘getting dirty before getting clean,’ says Sabat.
‘Swapping massages with scented oil, exploring each other’s messier fantasies, or experimenting with chocolate body paint can be great ways to work up to shower sex, especially as you’ll really enjoy washing each other off once you jump in,’ she says. ‘Feel free to go where your minds and bodies take you – the possibilities are endless.’
When it comes to shower sex, you’re going for exciting – not dangerous, says Sabat. ‘Be sure you take safety precautions through bathroom accessories like handles, gripped bath mats, and waterproof sex toys to ensure that any liaisons you get into in the bathroom don’t end in a trip to the doctor,’ she says.
A foot stand, that is. It can help improve stability and increase the depth of penetration, Sabat says. ‘When you’re showering alone, don’t be afraid to test out potential positions to gauge stability,’ she explains. ‘Not only will this likely help to stimulate you both, but no one will be any the wiser, and you won’t have to worry about any slips or stumbles when you’re enjoying the real thing.’
If you’re using any form of barrier protection, put it on before entering the shower to make sure you’re as protected as possible. ‘There’s an increased risk of condom slippage in the shower, so make sure it’s a good fit before you start adding water to the equation,’ says Sabat. ‘Remember, water is not a replacement for lubricant. Make sure that you have some water or silicone-based lubricant on standby, just in case, and that it’s compatible with any condoms or sex toys that you’re using.’
Sex doesn’t have to involve penetration. Think outside the box and engage with other forms of intimacy – be it mutual masturbation, self-pleasure, oral sex, or simple, spontaneous mutual exploration, says Sabat. ‘What matters is that you and your partner engage in whatever sexual experience feels stimulating and satisfying to the both of you by consensually pursuing your sexual desires in the moment,’ she says.
‘If you find yourself thinking that all sexual encounters must result in climax to be a worthwhile experience, it’s time to change – especially within the context of shower sex,’ says Sabat. ‘Focusing on stimulating each other while learning and exploring one another’s thrilling pleasures are valid ways of creating and sharing intimacy. Just let the flow of water and blissful pleasures take over – you’re sure to connect with some of your favourite undiscovered sensations.
A world of pleasure exists beneath the shower tap, says Sabat. If you are a person with a vagina, and have a removable shower head, ‘experiment with different positions throughout the tub – lying on your back or stomach, or sitting on the side of the tub, can help you to reach places you’ve never accessed before,’ she says.
‘Alternatively, lie on your back and slide under the bath’s tap until you come into contact with the steady stream of water in a way that feels pleasurable to you, without entering your vagina,’ Sabat continues. ‘In either context, the steady stream of warm water is sure to stimulate your vulva and clitoris like no other.’
If you’ve always wanted to explore anal play, the shower can be one of the best places to put your worries at ease, says Sabat. ‘Next time you’re in the shower alone or with your partner and feel the urge to venture out of your comfort zone, get some silicone lube,’ she says. ‘Start by slowly massaging your lower back, caressing the outside of your anus, and move at a pace that makes you comfortable and excited.’
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Do you feel amazing, almost as if you’re being energized and excited, while standing naked under the gaze of a partner or someone you’re about to be intimate with? If the answer is yes, you could be into exhibitionism. Here, we explore and ultimately give you a better understanding of what it means to be an exhibitionist.
“Exhibitionism is when a person experiences sexual excitation from the fantasy of being observed naked or engaged in sexual activity, or from actually being observed while naked or engaged in sexual activity,” explains AASECT-certified sex therapist Indigo Stray Conger, LMFT, CST.
Importantly, this consensual kink is completely different and separate from the mental health condition known as exhibitionistic disorder, which involves deriving “recurrent and intense sexual arousal from the exposure of one’s genitals to an unsuspecting person, usually a stranger,” Stray Conger says. The key difference is in the lack of consent and the distress the person may feel about their own desires.
“Healthy exhibitionism is a sex-positive celebration of the erotic and should not be confused with exhibitionistic disorder,” she says.
The desire to incorporate being watched by others into sexual activity is an extremely common fantasy, Stray Conger says. According to Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D., New York University professor of human sexuality and sexpert for LELO, a recent study showed that, “66% of men and 57% of women fantasize about having sex ‘openly in a public place,’ and 82% of both genders fantasize about having sex in an ‘unusual’ place, including offices, public toilets, etc.”
“Most of us have at least a little bit of an exhibitionist streak in us: This, like anything else in psychology, exists on a spectrum, and it is perfectly normal and healthy,” Vrangalova adds.
Though bringing that fantasy into reality is slightly less common, it still occurs frequently enough via the robust swinging or “lifestyle” community, says Stray-Conger.
Perhaps one of the biggest indications that you’re into exhibitionism is that you find yourself regularly fantasizing about being watched. Whether alone or with a partner: “If a common theme to the fantasies that bring you to climax are about someone observing you naked or engaged in a sexual act,” then you might be an exhibitionist, says Stray Conger.
“If this fantasy is a core component to your erotic template, you might explore what it would be like to bring that fantasy into reality—with consenting adults and legal behavior, of course,” she says.
If you have an early memory of being seen naked and recalling that memory as an adult evokes an erotic feeling for you, you could be an exhibitionist.
“Our erotic templates tend to be formed when young, and the first few times we experience ourselves as sexual beings may not be when we are involved in sexual acts. Those deepest memories of our erotic selves become an integral part of what turns us on and gets us off,” Stray Conger says.
“This is show-offy but also has the value for some of giving their exhibitionism a context. [Because some people] might only be comfortable with sexy…not sex,” says Carol Queen, Ph.D., sexologist with Good Vibrations.
Similar to being into the idea of stripping or burlesque, Queen says putting on a private show is another sign of exhibitionism. “Putting on a show for your partner—dancing, masturbating for them, etc.—isn’t just to entice and please them, though that’s nice and sexy. An exhibitionist will also find this very personally arousing,” she explains.
Queen says this includes wearing tight or revealing clothes, costumes with some kink value, sexy lingerie, or really going over the top at Halloween. “Different people will find different outfits and garments sexy—there is no one type of clothing that all people would feel sexy in—so this part is definitely personal with diverse looks associated with it,” she notes. “But again, [it’s about] you drawing the eye, and feeling sexy about it.”
“Even if you’re not yet bringing these behaviors into sexually fueled situations, they are early signs that you love the feeling of people watching you,” adds Dainis Graveris, certified sex educator and relationship expert at SexualAlpha.
This isn’t gender-specific, Queen adds. “We often think of women as ‘objects of desire’ in this culture, and women are expected to dress and groom accordingly. That doesn’t mean they’re all turned on by it! And it doesn’t mean all other gender presentations have to sit this one out. Anyone can find this kind of play or fantasy enhancing, if they are into it in the first place.”
In doing this, “your partner will feel sexually aroused, and you love seeing how they react to you showing off your body. A classic example of an exhibitionist and a voyeurist together,” says Graveris.
Exhibitionism and voyeurism actually go hand-in-hand, Vrangalova says.
“Exhibitionism and voyeurism are like two sides of a coin. Exhibitionism is about the possibility of being seen by others being arousing, while voyeurism is about watching others naked or having sex being arousing,” she tells mbg. “Like exhibitionism, voyeurism is quite common (visual sexual stimuli is inherently arousing), and perfectly normal as long as it involves consenting adults.”
Like with exhibitionism, consent is key to voyeurism and making the two kinks function well together.
“As a voyeur, I’ve had to learn how to respectfully enjoy the excitement and pleasure of someone that wants to be seen, especially in intimate settings during any group play or kink scenes,” says Tiana GlittersaurusRex, polyamorous educator and co-founder of The Sex Work Survival Guide. “Watching verbal and nonverbal cues, how their bodies react or move, and knowing my attention is an additional form of participation is what makes the delicate dance of watcher and watched all the more titillating. The entertainment industry is worth billions because we live in a society that has people that love to perform and the fans that love to ogle.”
Before diving in, Stray Conger encourages open and honest conversations about what you want when it comes to your exploration of exhibitionism, especially with any sexual partners you might be engaging with.
“Talk about what sex would be like if others were watching. Discuss different scenarios and what would be most arousing,” she says. “Then bring those fantasies into the bedroom while having sex, imagining that what you have already talked about is actually playing out. If that’s arousing for you and your partner, you might discuss what it would take to make those fantasies real. Discuss whether that is something you both want to do, or if the fantasy is enough.”
“Let the garments play up what you feel sexiest about, or cover ‘body image areas’ so you feel sexier than usual, or help you bring a role or identity to life,” Queen suggests. “You’ll probably care about whether someone else will find your outfit sexy—but much more important is what you feel sexy wearing.”
If you’re seeking the exhibitionistic thrill, then it might be a little harder to do so in the dark. Queens recommends keeping the lights on, getting on top, and putting on a show.
“Be showy, ask your partner to look at you, move, be a tease. Put on an erotic show for your partner; tease, masturbate, etc.,” she says.
Queen also recommends trying mutual masturbation, which is when two partners masturbate at the same time, enjoying self-pleasure while watching each other get off. “I love suggesting that both partners masturbate and watch at the same time,” she says. “Just get on either end of the bed and make sure the lights aren’t too dim.”
Once you’ve covered the bases of communication and you’ve incorporated a bit of your exhibitionistic fantasies into the bedroom, then it might be time to take things up a notch.
“Explore a sex party or swingers gathering. Again, choose an appropriate scenario, even if you were just talking about something over-the-top like having sex in the municipal pool. Don’t get in trouble out there, and don’t (as Queen Victoria reportedly said) ‘do it in the street and frighten the horses,'” Queens says.
This could also lead to more intense orgasms or an overall better experience when you do make it back into the bedroom at the end of the night.
So, now that you have a better understanding of consensual exhibitionism and what it means to be an exhibitionist, what are you going to do with it? The truth is, you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.
“If you think you wouldn’t be brave enough to try exhibitionism or worry you wouldn’t like it in real life, that’s OK. A lot of our fantasies live in our minds and bring us plenty of joy without turning them into reality. That doesn’t mean you’re not an exhibitionist at heart,” says Stray Conger.
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