Category: ENRICHMENT

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A Beginner’s Guide to Kinky Sex

If you’re turned on but intimidated by the complex lingo, etiquette, and array of fetishes out there, let us gently domme you through the basics.

by Reina Sultan

A lot of time can pass between the moment people discover they’re turned on by kink and when they actually act on that. I should know: In high school, I avidly read smutty BDSM fanfics on Tumblr, and it emboldened me to ask the very first guy I had sex with to choke me in bed. He said no, fearing he might “crush my larynx.” Bummer.

For six years after that “no,” I tried to forget I was into kink for a few reasons: I didn’t know how to find people who would choke me, plus I felt some basic shyness about getting into a scene with intimidatingly complex lingo, equipment, and social codes—especially when that scene involved scary-looking floggers and chains.

It took the boredom and voracious horniness of Pandemic Winter 2020 for me to live out my submissive fantasies. I started talking to a guy on Instagram I had mutuals with, but had never met. He sent me spanking videos, and after some back and forth, he invited me over to do a kink scene. I wondered whether this spelled murder, especially because I’d be going to his literal basement but, touch-starved, I said yes. (And then changed my mind and said no. And then said yes again.

I hadn’t even asked around about him, so I was very lucky he was a chill, respectful person and a hot partner. That first time, we explored sensation and impact play. As we kept seeing each other, he taught me more about kink, like how to figure out the specifics of what I was into and safely practice BDSM. But there was still so much to learn.

For newcomers, it can be tough to figure out the rules and etiquette of kink, especially if you’ve mostly encountered it in porn and the occasional Instagram infographic. But through communication, practice, research, and building a kink community, I started learning the ropes (kind of—I only bottom during rope scenes), and the more I learned, the more I liked what I was doing. 

Kinky sex simply requires more thought and planning than vanilla sex. But don’t worry—now I’m here to help you get freaky, too. Learning about the basic tenets of kink will help you have the best possible time when you (finally!) decide to try it out for yourself. OK? Say, “Yes, Mistress.” Just kidding—I already told you I’m a sub.

What is kink?

“Kink” covers subcultural sexual practices like BDSM, fetish play, and role play, as well as the lifestyles and social groups related to them. That’s pretty broad, so here’s a basic—and not at all comprehensive, don’t @ me—list of tastes, terms, and phenomena that are fairly common in the wild and vast world of kink.

  • BDSM. This acronym, which you almost certainly have heard before, refers to “bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism.” A dominant (which, like “domination,” is sometimes capitalized depending on people’s preferences), is a person who exerts control, like by ordering around their partner. A submissive is a person at the other end of that power exchange who willingly gives up their control. A sadist gets pleasure from inflicting pain, and a masochist likes receiving pain. To read more about BDSM, check out this blog post by one of my faves in the kink scene, Venus Cuffs, whom we’ll hear more from in a bit.
  • A top is a person—not necessarily a dominant—performing an activity: They’re usually the one tying the ropes and spanking the butts. A bottom is a person—not necessarily a submissive—having an activity done to them: being tied up, getting spanked. Switch/vers refers to someone who both tops and bottoms or can be both dominant and submissive. These terms are used in many contexts outside of BDSM too, particularly if you’re queer—read more here!
  • A scene refers to a kinky experience or session, which you can have more than one of during a given encounter or party. If you got spanked for 20 minutes or tied up and teased with a sex toy, those things would be considered scenes.

Let’s talk about some common fetishes. This is a fun A–Z list of kinks and fetishes. It’s not all-inclusive: Any hot thing you’re fixated on can be its own fetish, so don’t despair if yours isn’t on that list or the one included just below. It’s just good to have a place to start in terms of what you might come across as you go.

  • Impact play is focused on a top striking a bottom’s body with their hands or implements like canes, paddles, floggers, or whips. Here’s a guide to safety during impact play.
  • Rope bondage refers to the practice of restraining or binding someone with rope, which is not necessarily always Shibari (and doesn’t need to be). Shibari refers specifically to a type of rope bondage which originated in Japan. I highly recommend researching Japanese Shibari educators and practitioners to understand how to respectfully engage in Shibari. Whatever you’re doing, read up on rope safety practices first.
  • Sensation play is when the goal is arousal or stimulation through senses (like playing with ice, Wartenberg wheels, or hot wax). Seek out a safety guide for whatever you’re doing—you should look for sources that outline actual health risks, not just, “Here’s what feels good and what doesn’t.”
  • Sharps play involves, well, sharp stuff like needles, knives, or scalpels. Obviously, you’ll need to know a little more about mitigating risks if this is what you’re into—start with this Healthline guide.
  • Breath play involves restriction of oxygen. Look up how to minimize risk before choking of any kind.
  • Edge play refers to especially high-risk play of any kind, like rope suspension, knife play, or needle play. 

How can I find out more about what kinks I’m into?

People get into kink through porn, social media, sexual experimentation, fanfics, and beyond. There’s no shame if you read or watched 50 Shades of Grey and got curious! (Just know that the books and films are filled with inaccuracies about BDSM, consent, and safety practices.)

Reeru, a 32-year-old sadist top in Brooklyn, found out he was kinky when a partner used restraints on him. “I was teased until I couldn’t take it anymore,” he said. Reeru freed himself from the restraints and took the dominant role, which he said “awakened that part of [him].” Afterwards, he sought out kink more straightforwardly.

Like Reeru, you might come to kink through sex, but plenty of people also (or exclusively) consider kink a form of self-expression. Venus Cuffs is a New York–based dominant working in nightlife who uses she and they pronouns. Cuffs uses kink to subvert society’s racist definitions of her. “[In my daily life,] I was expected to be angry—to be a mammy, take care of everyone, be submissive, and be a servant. To never truly have any power,” they said. Through BDSM, she said, they’re served and honored by men instead.

To investigate what makes you feel turned on or otherwise piqued: Read books about kinky sex and see what makes you horny as you read. Watch kinky porn. Go to an event to watch kinky performances. Finally, taking the famous online BDSM test can point you toward what you might like—it’s kind of cringe and hilarious, but I don’t know anyone in kink who hasn’t taken it at least once, even just for fun.  

How do I find kinky people?

Plenty of people enjoy kink with their usual romantic and sexual partners. But you can also look into dedicated communities if you’re hoping to dip your toes (or whatever body parts you like) into local and online kink scenes. 

Many people recommend starting by exploring FetLife, a kinky social network. Some disclaimers: It’s not very user-friendly—its interface looks and is almost charmingly bad—and, as on any platform, some users are rude or bigoted. Still, FetLife is the only platform of its kind, and it remains one of the better ways for newcomers to find people and events.

For one-off encounters, dating apps can be useful. Feeld, which is marketed to people seeking group sex, is particularly kinky compared to other apps, but you can find potential partners on the more general and popular apps. I’m currently in my “off again” phase with apps, but this is usually my bio (go ahead and roast me): “I’m a non-monog masochistic bottom looking for new connections. Into impact play, plants, my cats, police/prison abolition, and bruise pics.” Feel free to adapt it based on what you’re into.

How do I vet partners?

Remember how I turned up to a stranger’s basement with no idea what I was doing? Don’t be like me! I’m lucky everything turned out OK, but kink can be physically and emotionally risky. Look into potential partners—and, ideally, meet in public—before they tie you up and spit on you (or vice versa). 

When I’m talking to new people about playing together, I ask them how long they’ve been doing the activity at hand and what their skills are. Understanding more about a partner’s history and qualifications can help prevent mistakes and injuries—for instance, a top should be able to tell you how they plan to keep you both safe. Exploring with an inexperienced partner who wants to learn can be OK, but less so if you learn they’ve never tied anyone up before when you’re already suspended from the ceiling.

I ask people I’m vetting how they define consent and to describe their risk profiles (this is a common kink phrase covering how intense a person is willing to get during rough play). If that feels right, I check their social media accounts for red flags—have they posted about having no limits or hating safe words?—and I ask my community members what they know about the person. Ideally, I’m able to speak with a previous partner to confirm that things went well. (That’s right—I ask for kink references, and you should, too.)

It’s not possible to do this deep of a dive at parties, but before tying with a rope top at an event, I ask what they know about preventing nerve damage and where and when they learned to tie.

If I’m comfortable with their answers, we keep talking—most of the time. Sometimes nothing comes up that’s a problem, but something you can’t quite put your finger on gives you pause. Trust your gut! If someone feels off, they might not be dangerous, but they’re probably not for you.

What if I’m looking for a professional to teach me about kink?

People explore kinks with professional dom(me)s, submissives, and fetish providers for a low-stakes way to get a little experience before seeking out unpaid partners. Mistress Danielle Blunt, who is a professional Dominatrix, said, “Hiring [a professional] can be a great way to explore kinky desires for newbies, because it takes the pressure off having to navigate something that can be scary or feel shameful with a partner.”

Some people, like me, just prefer working with pros. Bottoming for rope can be dangerous, and since I’ve researched the risks, I almost exclusively tie with people who get paid to know what they’re doing. Knowing I’m in good hands, I can get into a juicy, wonderful space when I’m being suspended—one that feels full of catharsis and release.

People can hire pros for so many things: A client might want someone to top them in spanking scenes. They might want to learn how to tie rope themselves, or for someone to teach them proper ball-busting technique. Whatever it is people are doing while working with professionals, they’re expected to be respectful of their boundaries, time, and rates.

How can I tell if a kink event is safe?

First, let’s talk about what kink events and parties even are. Events aren’t always orgies. You might also come across performances, workshops, mixers, classes, and play parties. 

When you see parties advertised online, look for two acronyms:

  • RACK, which stands for “risk-aware, consensual kink,” and means all parties agree to understand and consent to the risks in any activity.
  • NMIK, which stands for “no minors in kink,” as in, don’t engage in kink with minors or let minors attend kink events!  

Before any kind of party, organizers might throw “munches,” which allow you to meet people in expectation-free settings prior to partying together. Munches can happen just before an event that includes touching or sex, or completely separately. They generally occur in public places (or virtually) and people attend without their whips, and with clothes on.

Whether you’re at a munch or looking into an event independently: Ask organizers about consent practices. A zero-tolerance policy for violations is great, but get specific. What happens if someone reports that happening?

Reeru suggested more questions to guide your decision-making about event safety:

  • “Are there dungeon or consent monitors present and easily identifiable?” (“Dungeons,” by the way, are established BDSM spaces.)
  • “How do you vet performers, professionals, and guests?”
  • “Are people using drugs or alcohol?”
  • “Are safer sex practices being observed?”
  • “Are vaccinations mandatory?”

If organizers don’t have good (or any) answers, steer clear. However, if you mostly like an event, but notice something is lacking or vague, bring it up! If they’re amenable to making changes to prioritize people’s safety and comfort, that’s a really good sign.

How should I act at kink events?

The first way to fit in at a kink event happens before you get there: Follow directions about what to wear. Generally speaking, jeans and a T-shirt are too casual. Think more Euphoria vibes. Many, if not most, parties require you to turn a look within dress codes like fetish gear or formalwear—I’ve seen a Moulin Rouge theme, and people love latex-and-leather parties. Check with coordinators or reread the description to make sure you’re dressing the part.

As with their dress codes, each event is going to vary in terms of what’s socially expected and acceptable. If you have questions about what is or isn’t OK, ask an organizer.

One thing holds true everywhere you go: Behave respectfully. As Venus Cuffs said, “BDSM does not exist without consent, which should be the foundation of all your play. There are no exceptions to this rule—without it, it’s abuse.” This is true of all kinds of kink.

Ask before touching anyone or any toys or equipment. Don’t interrupt while people are mid-scene. Keep a safe distance when watching a scene so you don’t accidentally get hit or make anyone uncomfortable.

What does “negotiating a scene” mean, and how do I do it?

“Negotiation” is a before-scene discussion about participants’ needs, wants, and limits. (Yes, another one!) This conversation varies depending on the scene and partner. If you’re new partners, a negotiation might be extensive, since you’re learning about each other for the first time. If you’ve already been together, you might ask fewer questions or just make sure what you discussed last time still applies. 

Lots of negotiation questionnaires and sheets are available online, but these premises are usually part of all of them:

  • Soft limits are acts and types of kink that you generally don’t want to do, but could be flexible about with the right person, at the right time. One of my soft limits is needle play, which can involve being pierced with gauge needles. I don’t usually want to do it, and I would never do it during my first time with someone—but I’ve tried it, and I would again under proper conditions.  
  • Hard limits are definite nos. One of mine is race play: Under no circumstances will I engage in kink based on racialized power differentials.
  • Safe words are codes that can pause or stop play. Some people don’t use “no” or “stop” because it can be part of pre-negotiated play to feign resistance (hot), and you don’t want someone to actually stop when you’re having a good time (not hot). Like many newcomers and experienced people alike, I use stoplight colors: “yellow” to indicate I’m approaching my limits, and “red” when I need a full stop.

People can have intense reactions during scenes, even if they think they’re ready for what’s coming and have safe words in place. Sometimes, things can become triggering, or people can become non-verbal. Talking through this in advance can prevent harm in the moment when emotions are high. For example: If you start crying, is that an automatic end to the scene? Is it OK for your partner to just check in?

Mistress Blunt suggested trying these questions as you negotiate:

  • “What does aftercare—what people do to ease out of kink and into the regular world—look like for you?”
  • “Do you like to be checked in on after a scene?”
  • “What makes you feel safe? What makes you feel unsafe?
  • “What should we do if something goes wrong?”
  • “Is there anything I should know about your body or mind?”

Negotiation is just as much about talking through what you like and want to do, which is also really fun. Once you’ve got the above information in place, be sure to focus on pleasure for a while.

How do I reduce physical risks?

Before trying out a new kind of kink, you absolutely have to do your research about the risks involved and best safety practices. Look for both guides and medically sound information about physical risks—you might search online for terms like “how to safely spank someone” or “what are the risks associated with rope bondage?” Read as much as you can, and err on the side of credible medical and health information websites rather than forums or blogs.

If you’re doing a rope scene, learn to identify the signs of nerve damage (even if you are bottoming and don’t know how to tie). If you’re planning to do impact, learn how not to get hit where there are vital organs (avoid the lower back and protect your kidneys).

Before each and every scene, all parties involved should be able to check in with themselves about those risks to see if they are in the mental and/or physical place to engage. Even if some of us are bimbos who like to be degraded, bottoms aren’t just passive participants. Ebibex, a Baltimore-based rope and sharps bottom who’s using a pseudonym for this article, said, “This idea that bottoms are interchangeable bodies, who just ‘look pretty’ in rope, or unskilled recipients, is both harmful and insulting.” In good kink scenarios, bottoms will be as much in control of being safe during a scene as tops are.

You can also reduce harm by choosing not to use drugs or alcohol before and during a scene. This is ultimately up to you, but at least starting your kink journey sober is usually a good idea.

What is aftercare?

Aftercare is the time following a scene when people are returning to “normalcy.” Some people like physical closeness and snacks. Others might shower together or give each other massages. Some people might not want to spend time together at all. That’s all fine, as long as it’s discussed beforehand.

Aftercare doesn’t have to end directly after the scene. Many people like hearing from their partner a day or two after a scene. Ebibex, the  said she likes “talking to and debriefing with anyone I’ve played with—what we liked, what could be different.” This can also mitigate “drop,” which refers to negative feelings that can arise in the days following an encounter. Drop isn’t always preventable, and that’s OK! I receive incredible aftercare and sometimes still drop. In those times, I eat chocolate and watch feel-good movies. I also reach out to my top and let them know I’m feeling bad, and talking often helps.

Postgame communication can help people deal with consent violations or injuries, which can happen even among the most well-intentioned or experienced players. Part of harm reduction is to be prepared for these scenarios, and to know what to do after something has gone wrong. If you’ve gotten hurt or had your consent violated, what do you need or want from the other person? If you hurt someone or violated their consent, how will you show up and respect their wants and needs?

Even when a scene goes perfectly, it’s good to check in and to feel that your safety—and your pleasure—is valuable to your partner, and vice versa.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A short history of the word ‘bisexuality’

By Martha Robinson Rhodes

People have been attracted to more than one gender throughout recorded history. But specific identity labels like bi and pan are relatively new. How did bi+ people in the past understand their identities and attractions, and how does this history affect bi people and communities in the UK today?
Our Research Officer Martha Robinson Rhodes, who has a PhD in bi history, explains…

In 1859, anatomist Robert Bentley Todd first used the term ‘bisexuality’ to refer to the possession of ‘male’ and ‘female’ physical characteristics in the same body – today, we might understand this as being intersex. This meaning was taken up by nineteenth-century sexologists – scientists and psychologists studying sex and sexuality, including Henry Havelock Ellis and Richard von Krafft-Ebing – who explored evolution and speculated about “the latent organic bi-sexuality in each sex”, noting that “at an early stage of development, the sexes are indistinguishable”.

By the beginning of the twentieth century, this meaning had shifted to focus on a combination of ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ gendered characteristics – what today we would describe as androgyny. The modern meaning of bisexuality, which describes sexual and/or romantic attraction rather than sexed or gendered characteristics, only developed in the 1910s. However, for many years the different meanings of bisexuality were used at the same time and sometimes in the same texts. Sigmund Freud made his famous claim about ‘universal’ bisexuality in 1915, but referred to this both as a combination of masculinity and femininity and as a sexual or romantic attraction, writing, “the sexual object is a kind of reflection of the subject’s bisexual nature”.

But if people in the past didn’t use the term ‘bi’, how did people attracted to more than one gender describe themselves?

There is no simple answer to this question. Some didn’t use an identity label at all, preferring not to categorise their relationships. Some understood themselves as heterosexual, while others identified as gay or lesbian. Others described themselves using percentages or ratios, such as ‘60:40 gay:heterosexual’. When the term ‘gay’ was first popularised by gay liberationists in the 1970s, it often linked radical politics and same-gender attraction, but didn’t necessarily exclude people who were attracted to, or had relationships with, multiple genders.

One interviewee I spoke to during my PhD recalled: “There was a general understanding that sexuality was some sort of spectrum, and that people would move along it from time to time”. It’s also important to note that this terminology is particular to English-speakers in the West, and that elsewhere in the world there has been a diverse range of approaches to sexuality and gender that often reject binary categorisations. In many cases, these approaches have been restricted or prohibited as a legacy of colonialism.

It wasn’t until the late 1970s that the current meaning of bisexuality, meaning attraction to more than one gender, became widely accepted in the UK as “the more common usage”. Around this point, we started to see bi groups and events being established. The UK’s first bi group, London Bisexual Group, was formed in 1981, followed by other groups in Edinburgh (1984), Brighton (1985), Manchester (1986) and Glasgow (1988), as well as a London-based Bisexual Women’s Group. A magazine, Bi-Monthly, was founded, as well as two bi helplines in London and Edinburgh, and the UK’s longest continually-running LGBTQ+ community event, the annual BiCon.

Bi terminology and politics have continued to evolve since the 1980s.

The term ‘pansexual’ became popular in the 1990s in response to concerns about bisexuality upholding the gender binary, using the prefix ‘pan’ (‘all’) to suggest attraction that is not limited by gender. But this doesn’t mean that bi people are therefore only attracted to two genders. Some people attracted to more than one gender identify as both bi and pan, some as one or the other, and some as neither. The 1990 manifesto of Anything that Moves, a US bi magazine, explicitly stated that bisexuality shouldn’t be understood as binary: “Do not assume that bisexuality is binary or duogamous in nature: that we have “two” sides or that we must be involved simultaneously with both genders to be fulfilled human beings. In fact, don’t assume that there are only two genders”.

Today, we still see the complex history of bisexuality and the shifting use of language being used to erase bi people’s identities, or suggest that they are a ‘phase’. This has hugely damaging effects on bi people and communities. Stonewall’s Bi Report shows that bi people often report not feeling welcome in LGBTQ+ spaces, and experience much higher rates of discrimination from within the LGBTQ+ community. 43% of bi people have never attended an LGBTQ+ space or event, compared to 29% of gay men and lesbians. Research also indicates that bi people are also more likely to experience poor mental health, in part because of this erasure and discrimination.

Changing language should never be used as an excuse to dismiss or reject bi or pan people’s identities and attractions. One of my interviewees summed this up as: “Language evolves. September isn’t the seventh month. October isn’t the eighth month. Bisexual doesn’t mean two genders”.

Instead, understanding how language and communities have evolved reminds us that there is exciting potential for further change and progress in the future, towards greater equality for bi people and other LGBTQ+ people. For me, exploring and understanding this change is what makes learning about our history so important – in LGBT+ History Month, and all year round.

References and further reading

  • Bi Academic Intervention (ed), The Bisexual Imaginary: Representation, Identity and Desire (1997)
  • Shiri Eisner, Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution (2013)
  • Sigmund Freud translated by James Strachey, Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality: 1. The Sexual Aberrations (1915 edition)
  • Kate Harrad (ed), Purple Prose: Bisexuality in Britain (2016)
  • Henry Havelock Ellis, Studies in the Psychology of Sex Volume I: Sexual Inversion (1897)
  • Clare Hemmings, Bisexual Spaces: A Geography of Sexuality and Gender (2002)
  • Lachlan MacDowall, ‘Historicising Contemporary Bisexuality’, Journal of Bisexuality (2009)
  • The Off Pink Collective (ed), Bisexual Horizons: Politics, Histories, Lives (1996)
  • Paula C. Rust, Bisexuality and the Challenge to Lesbian Politics (1995)
  • Martha Robinson Rhodes, ‘Bisexuality, Multiple-Gender-Attraction and Gay Liberation Politics in the 1970s’ (2020)
  • Merl Storr (ed), Bisexuality: A Critical Reader (1999)
  • Naomi Tucker (ed), Bisexual Politics: Theories, Queries and Visions (1995)

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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7 Steamy Items To Add To Your Sex Bucket List

Your brain is your best sexual partner.

By Molly Longman, Kasandra Brabaw

If you have sexual fantasies you’ve never acted on, don’t worry — you’re definitely not alone. Even the sexually adventurous among us can’t possibly have made it through every possible sexual scenario. There are countless sex positions, locations, kinks, and couplings to explore. So, if you’re looking to get a bit more experienced, then it’s time to sit down and write your sex bucket list.

Just like a regular bucket list — which is a check list of experiences you want to have before you die — a sex bucket list forces you to think about what you really want to do in the bedroom. It’s almost guaranteed to make your sex life a little more exciting. Making a list is just the beginning, though. The real fun comes in checking each item off.

Ahead, we’ve rounded up some steamy sexual fantasies to inspire your own sex bucket list — and how to actually make them a reality.

Sex At The Office

Despite all of the NSFW warnings that make it clear our minds shouldn’t be on sex at the office, plenty of people fantasise about tossing the papers off of their desk and getting dirty. Sometimes these daydreams involve a partner popping by for a surprise visit and sometimes they involve a coworker. Either way, it can’t hurt to try at least once — just make sure you’re doing it on your own desk, and not invading a random coworker’s space, in a totally empty office.

How to make it happen: Be super clear about lines of consent if you’re going to try this one with a coworker. Being aware of how positions of power can affect consent is always important, but office romances (or hookups) are top of mind in this #MeToo era.

Role-play

Whether it’s fantasising about having a one night stand with a stranger you meet in a bar, or a doctor’s visit taking a turn for the erotic, role-play is the answer. Especially if you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship, role-play allows you to explore all of your sexual fantasies while staying faithful.

How to make it happen: Float the idea to your partner ahead of time, and ask them to share their fantasy, too.

Having “Anywhere But The Bed” Sex

Sex in your bed is great, of course, but every once in a while it’s fun to switch up the location. Have sex on the kitchen table, against your front door, in the backyard, in your pool, in the car, or anywhere else your imagination takes you.

How to make it happen: The instructions on this one are pretty simple — just do it. But remember, if you have roommates and aren’t into letting them watch, makes sure to plan your “anywhere but the bed” sex for a time when you know they won’t be coming home.

Adding A Third

If you’ve always dreamed about having sex that involves three or more people, you’re not alone. All kinds of people, both queer and straight, have fantasised about having a threesome.

How to make it happen: As magical as threesomes sound, they don’t actually happen by magic. It takes a lot of communication, with your partner if you’re adding a third, with the couple if you’re joining in, or with two people who’ve never slept with each other before. You’ll need to talk about your expectations and boundaries, and make sure everyone involved is excited for what’s about to happen. Still not sure how to make it work? Read these handy tips from people who’ve actually had threesomes — and love them.

Having Sex In A Public Place

Whether it’s in the bathroom at your favourite bar, in a department store dressing room, or behind the bushes on a deserted street, the could-get-caught risk makes public sex way more exciting than your usual romp at home. With that said, it’s not cool to involve non-consenting strangers in your trysts, especially if you’re somewhere they could see you, hear you, or even have to clean up after you.

How to make it happen: Involving other people who did not consent in your kink is not cool. So no, even if sex in a dressing room or some place with a high risk of getting caught seems fun, it’s not okay. Instead, aim for spots that feel public, but don’t put other people at risk, such as in your car in a deserted parking lot, or in a sex club.

Having Sex While Someone Watches

Exhibitionism isn’t for everyone, but some people love the idea of getting it on with a partner while a third person watches (and maybe even masturbates because they find the action so sexy).

How to make it happen: If you live in a city that hosts sex parties, then it’s almost guaranteed that someone will watch. If you can’t attend a sex party, find an adventurous friend who’s willing to join in or put a call out on dating apps. It might take some time to find the right person, but it’ll be worth the wait.

Channeling Your Inner Anastasia Steele

If you’ve heard of 50 Shades Of Grey, then you have at least some idea of what it means to be submissive (though keep in mind that both the books and movies get a lot wrong about kink). Being a submissive essentially means that the dominant partner has control — with your consent, of course. That can mean the dom ties you up, spanks you, denies you an orgasm, tells you what to say, or any number of other sexual acts.

How to make it happen: If you have a partner, start with a conversation. Telling anyone about your kink can be nerve-wracking, for sure, but open communication with sexual partners is the only surefire way to make sure you’re getting what you want in bed. Consider making a yes/no/maybe list so that both you and your partner are able to talk about what you’re willing (and not willing) to do.

If you don’t have a partner, many sex parties have BDSM sections for people who either want to dominate or be dominated. If the idea of a sex dungeon freaks you out, attend a class or information session for a reputable sex party or kink group in your area.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A No-Bullshit Guide To Getting Into Tantric Sex

“The idea that tantric sex is all about delayed orgasms is misguided. It would mean that delaying your orgasm is a challenge that you must win.”

by Arman Khan

Prem Vismay first encountered the world of tantric sex at a trance party he’d attended nearly a decade ago in the Indian capital of mystics, Rishikesh. “Somebody I met there told me about Ma Ananda Sarita’s book Divine Sexuality: The Joy of Tantra,” the 45-year-old teacher of tantra told VICE. “That was a turning point for me.”

At the time, Vismay was spending endless nights frustrated with his condition of premature ejaculation. “It would leave me depressed. But after practising tantra, I was able to overcome it all and truly enjoy my sex life. After all, tantric sex doesn’t mean wild orgies and polyamory even though it doesn’t constrain you from these things either. On a basic level, though, it is trusting in yourself to find your own way.”

For many in the West, the word “tantra” conjures up images of Sting engaging in seven-hour marathon sex, but the practice has roots in both Buddhism and Hinduism going back thousands of years, and it contains many facets. According to the Oxford Research Encyclopedia of Religion, tantra is an umbrella term that refers to a range of esoteric, spiritual and sexual schools of thought that “span several religious traditions and cultural worlds.” It seeks to address everything, from our understanding of liberation to pleasure, hedonism and death. Tantric sex, for its part, forms a crucial part of the larger tantra canon.

According to Mohini Srishati, a 40-year-old teacher of tantra, tantric sex must be understood beyond the clichés it is currently chained to in popular imagination. “It is truly magical and exotic,” she told VICE. “Tantric sex is meditative sex, which includes practices such as using breathwork, your own creativity in bed, unlearning your sexual and religious conditioning patterns as a child, and respecting your sexual energy as a means to connect with the divine.”

From practising mindfulness, having open communication with your partner to becoming aware of one’s senses, the idea of bringing a meditative, slowed-down quality to sex is one of the central tenets of tantric sex.

Around the Indian subcontinent, the history of tantric sex dates back to many millennia – referenced across ancient Buddhist and Hindu texts. In The Origins of Yoga and Tantra: Indic Religions to the Thirteenth Century, British Indologist Geoffrey Samuel refers to tantric sex as “sexual yoga” that was widespread around the third and fifth centuries, and finds mention in Hindu philosophical texts such as the Upanishads. In Introduction to Tantra: The Transformation of Desire, Tibetan lama Thubten Yeshe posits that the idea of “tantric sex as a means to give proper shape to your desire” was influenced by the evolution of similar ideals in Tibetan Buddhism in the early second century.

Looking to bring this ancient practice into your bedroom? Here’s a handy guide to getting there.

Beware of quacks

As with all things seemingly “exotic”, tantric sex is also advertised by teachers who just want to exploit and make a quick buck at your expense. Pallavi Barnwal, a 39-year-old intimacy coach based in New Delhi, shares how her first experience with tantric sex was borderline abusive.

“He is a very popular guru in this field,” she told VICE. “In the first online session, which was supposed to be audio-only, he wanted to teach me the importance of self-pleasure through a special kind of masturbation called the yoni massage. Barely minutes into the session, he told me to switch on my camera under the pretext of wanting to see how my energy was moving.”

According to Barnwal, in a country like India where conversations on sex are still widely stifled, any opportunity to liberate yourself through such practices may make you vulnerable to such quacks. “A real guru will never ask you to strip down and offer yourself to him. You don’t have to sleep with anyone or reveal yourself to any guru to understand tantric sex.”

Be creative and slow

According to Srishati, who has been practising tantric sex for a decade, the idea that you need to have an orgasm and quickly get it done is antithetical to tantra.

“That would mean you want to quickly get rid of the sexual energy,” she says. “In tantric sex, there is no agenda of compulsorily penetrating or ejaculating. You can experience orgasm by simply looking into each other’s eyes without actually ejaculating. The idea is to ride the peaks and waves of different kinds of orgasms – not just genital release.”

She also adds that the idea that tantric sex is “only about delayed orgasms” is misguided. “It would mean that delaying your orgasm is a challenge that you must win. Your body would become very stiff in such a scenario.”

Vismay said it is also important to treat the space where you are being intimate as a “divine site of energy and healing,” and build a setting using candles, flowers and light ambient music to spruce it up. “Avoid white and flashing lights, mobile chargers, a beeping timer or a clock because tantra asks you to bring your awareness to sex and minimise any time or space distractions.”

Choose your energy wisely

“Tantric sex is all about regulating your energy and being in tune with your own needs and desires,” Alessandro Di Benedetto, a 29-year-old teacher of yoga and tantra told VICE. “You have to be able to connect with the other person before you have sex with them. Look into their eyes, understand where they are coming from, and hold hands.”

In cases where you meet someone but the vibe seems completely off in the first meeting, Di Benedetto suggests moving on and not wasting one’s time. “If the person is genuinely ready to grow and evolve with you and you want the same, then maybe you can rethink the equation.”

Experiment with breath and sound

Considering that tantric sex revolves around regulating one’s energy, Srishati suggested playing with sound and breath to maximise one’s pleasure.

“There are various techniques to go around this,” she says. “You must let yourself experience everything in the moment – be it crying, moaning or different positions. And experiment with breath, movement and sound.”

Breath in tantric sex, according to Srishati, is an important tool to shape your energies. “For the woman, you must visualise breathing in from your sex chakra and breathing out from your heart chakra, and vice versa for the man,” she said. “The idea is to let every bit of the sexual energy flow through you. This helps in aiding a full-body orgasm because every pore of your body is making love.”

In tantric sex manifestos, the sex or the sacral chakra is located below the navel while the heart chakra is, well, located at the heart. Visualising your breath flowing in and out of these chakras is said to help in a fuller, more realised experience.

Unlearn childhood conditioning

Anand Kumar, a 28-year-old business analyst who has been practising tantric sex for the last couple of years, had to work with his guru to unlearn his childhood biases related to shame and self-esteem.

“I always saw my body as a political space that had too many conditions tethered to it,” he said. “I was disgusted by my own body hair for the longest time because I was shamed for it by my own siblings. Tantric sex made me fall in love with my own image.”

According to Srishati, such conditioning begins early on. “You see parents shaming little children even when they touch their own genitals. This is the reason why so many people then grow up feeling guilty and ashamed immediately after they masturbate or indulge in [any other act of] self-pleasure.”

A major element of tantric sex, according to Srishati, is thus not just the act itself but also radically unlearning these biases that act as “mental barriers” to truly enjoying the act.

Experiment with movement

Barnwal prefers the yab-yum position of tantric sex where the woman sits on the lap of her partner like a lotus, wrapping her legs firmly around the man. That’s the traditional depiction of the position, though it can be done between any gender.

“Your chakras are perfectly aligned in this position with your partner,” she said. “You are physically touching each other’s forehead, heart, and genitals. The intimate connection becomes evenly spread across the body.”

Vismay added that tantric sex does not involve any special “acrobatic sex positions,” and that it all boils down to taking your time to be rooted in the body and not being stuck in your thoughts.

“I heard (controversial mystic and cult leader) Osho say in one of his discourses that the bodies will find their way to the most comfortable positions. The idea is to bring a sense of peace and prayer to lovemaking and not approach it as a mechanical act that must tick all the boxes.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Spice Up Your Relationship with Beginner-Friendly BDSM Toys

By Essex Mag

Since the global phenomenon of the 50 Shades of Greyfranchise, BDSM practices have become somewhat mainstream. Once a taboo subject, you can now walk into any sex shop and find couples who want to explore BDSM by browsing through handcuffs and restraint kits or shopping around for the latest must-have ball gag. Not only is BDSM now mainstream, but the expert opinion also concludes that a healthy exploration of BDSM can contribute positively to our wellbeing – and the health of our relationship.

What are the benefits of BDSM?

BDSM has long been thought of as a taboo and scandalous practice, and it only took a Twilight fan fiction to turn this once frowned-upon kink into a celebrated part of mainstream culture. While 50 Shades of Grey might not be an accurate or redeeming picture of BDSM relationships, real BDSM enthusiasts enjoy a range of benefits and positive upshots to their kink:

Better communication

One benefit to exploring BDSM in your sex life is that you learn to communicate better – both inside and outside the bedroom. BDSM is about discipline and control, but also about respecting one another’s limits: when you are able to ask directly for what you want, set your limits, and enforce your boundaries, this creates a healthy framework for the relationship in general. Lack of communication is a relationship-killer, so developing this skill together will enhance your relationship and lessen potential conflict.

Deeper trust

Another relationship-killer is lack of trust between partners, and this is another key relationship milestone that BDSM couples tend to reach more easily than others. BDSM enables you to submit to (or take) control of your partner, and demonstrating this level of vulnerability to another person is not something tobe undertaken lightly. It demands a massive leap of faith for a person to allow themselves to be at the mercy of someone else, especially in a sexual context. If you can trust your partner to respect your boundaries, respect your safe word and also enjoy intimacy together at the same time, it’s natural that a deep and enduring trust will develop.

More satisfying sex lives

In a recent study, researchers found that couples who engaged in “BDSM behaviors” reported higher rates of sexual satisfaction, while those who had sexual fantasies which remained unexplored reported lower sexual and relationship satisfaction. Another study found that BDSM practitioners reported higher rates of relationship satisfaction and relationship security. It seems that BDSM practices help couples connect, communicate, and enjoy overall more fulfilling sex lives. So – how do you incorporate BDSM toys into the bedroom, especially if you’re a beginner?

Best Beginner BDSM Toys: Ball Gags, Handcuffs and More

The best way to start incorporating BDSM toys into your relationship is by using them to enhance what you already love. For example, if you love when your partner dominates you or takes control in the bedroom, why not incorporate a pair of handcuffs to truly enhance the feeling of submission? If you love it when your partner [consensually] puts a hand on your mouth during sex, why not try out a ball gag? This is the purpose of sex toys: to take what you love about sex and enhance it. Here are our picks for the best beginner-friendly BDSM toys:

Ball Gag

A ball gag is a great way to submit to your partner, or have your submissive partner entirely at your mercy. BDSM enthusiasts love the feeling of losing control, and what better way to surrender control than to surrender the ability to express yourself clearly? A ball gag takes submission and domination to a new level while remaining a beginner-level BDSM toy.

Handcuffs

If you love it when your partner holds your hands behind your back, or when you feel constrained physically, invest in a pair of handcuffs to enjoy together. If you don’t like the leather or metal look, you can buy a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs or even handcuffs made from luxe leather. Dominant partners will love the feeling of enjoying complete control, while submissive partners will enjoy losing theirs!

Thigh Sling

Using a thigh sling is a great way to enhance your sexual positions while simultaneously taking control of (or surrendering to) your partner. A thigh sling is a mix between bondage play and the more advanced BDSM sex slings and sex swings that the hardcore enthusiasts love. Enhance your positions and have better sex with a thigh sling – and if you love the experience, move on to a sex sling!

Temperature Play

If you’re not yet ready to spend money investing in a sex toy, you can always find things around the house to use to spice things up in the bedroom! Temperature play is hugely popular amongst BDSM enthusiasts: whether it means using ice cubeson warm naked skin or (safely) stimulating your partner with hot wax, incorporating temperature play can be exhilarating and a fun way to test your limits in an intimate setting.

Bondage

While it might seem intimidating for a novice, bondage play is pretty mainstream: a simple search for bondage on Amazon will return thousands of results, with thousands of reviews from everyday couples. Some beginner-friendly bondage includes bed/mattress restraints (tying a partner to the bed via their ankles and wrists) as well as spreader bars, which are a little more advanced, especially as it often means the “submissive” partner will remain standing for long periods of time. Consider bondage as simply a more advanced version of handcuffs, although restraints allow you to explore bondage more comfortably and according to your own needs. You can also pair a set of mattress restraints with a ball gag for heightened sensations of dominance and control!

How to Incorporate BDSM into the Bedroom: Do’s and Don’ts

Do’s:

● Be understanding of your partner’s limits

● Respect your partner’s boundaries

● Set your own clear boundaries

● Explain clearly what you like/dislike

● Let your partner share their fantasies without judgment

● Establish verbal and non-verbal safe words

● Respect all safewords

● Consult your partner before buying new BDSM toys

● Never try out a new BDSM fantasy without first consulting your partner

Don’ts:

● Feel pressured into sexual acts that you aren’t comfortable with

● Push your partner beyond their limit

● Gossip with others about your partner’s fantasies – the trust foundation must be solid to engage in BDSM play

● Override the safe word, even in the name of being dominant

● Force your partner to try out fantasies that they’re uncomfortable with

Verdict?

Incorporating fun BDSM toys into the bedroom can be an exhilarating experience: whether you’re a submissive or more the dominant type, there are plenty of thrills to be had when it comes to power-play, and plenty of toys to choose from! Whether you try out ball gags or bondage play, BDSM can help your relationship evolve, stay exciting and remain spontaneous.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 Powerful Changes To Make To Your Sex Life In 2022

By Kelly Gonsalves

It’s 2022, and conversations around sexuality have evolved tremendously. We know more than ever before about the science of orgasms, fostering desire, and all the different ways we can experience sexuality. There are virtually infinite resources out there, from books and podcasts to courses and retreats, dedicated to helping us tap into all the good feelings to which our bodies have access.

If it’s been a long while since you last prioritized your sex life, consider this your invitation to enter into the new year with an intention of rediscovering your erotic self and all the ways in which you can experience sensual pleasure in your body, soul, and partnerships. For inspiration, we asked sexuality experts to offer some tangible, straightforward ideas for how to actually better your sex life. Here’s what they recommended:

1. Talk more about sex.

“One of the most powerful changes couples can make to their sex life is to talk more about sex,” says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, AASECT-certified sex therapist and author of Reclaiming Pleasure.

To have great sex, you must be able to talk about it. When was the last time you talked to your partner about which types of touch you like the most—and least? Do you know your partner’s wildest fantasies? What are the things that make them in the mood for sex—and not in the mood for sex?

“If neither partner knows what the other’s expectations, desires, or needs are around sex, there isn’t much chance of continually making it better,” Richmond says. “Couples that talk about sex can have better, more exciting sex the longer they are in the relationship, which is exactly the opposite of what we’ve been told to believe, that sex gets worse or more boring the longer you are together.”

2. Start a regular masturbation practice.

Whether you’re single or partnered, sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, M.S., recommends making time for solo sex at least once a week.

“It’s a great way to stay in touch with your sexual energy as well as learn about what your body likes,” she explains. “Allow yourself to explore your desires through porn or erotica, have fun, and take notes about what you like and don’t like!”

Some people may feel uncomfortable masturbating when they’re in a relationship, or they let their masturbation practice subside in favor of partnered sex. But Battle says anyone and everyone can benefit from masturbating regularly, including people in long-term relationships.

“Masturbation can help you be less dependent on your partner’s availability for sex. This change opens up so much for people who overly rely on others to be sexual. You can be your most reliable source for sexual pleasure no matter what your relationship status is,” she says. 

3. Start a mindfulness practice.

Whether or not we realize it, what we do outside the bedroom can have a big impact on how we feel when we’re actually having sex. That’s why one thing that licensed psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist Lauren Fogel Mersy, Psy.D., L.P., recommends to those seeking better sex is to start a mindfulness practice.

“A regular practice of being present in the moment without judgment may transfer to your sex life, which will likely improve your experience,” she explains. “Being present in the moment is when sex can feel most pleasurable and connected. It’s when we are most in touch with our bodies and our partners.”

Learning how to be present in your body in general—such as through meditating, breathwork, or other mindfulness exercises—can help you be more aware of the pleasurable sensations your body is feeling during sex (i.e., sex will feel better).

4. Explore eroticism.

What does eroticism mean to you?

“We each have things that we find arousing,” AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed couples’ counselor Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., tells mbg. “You can tune in to yours by thinking about your best sexual experiences, your fantasies, and your response to various erotic media.”

Zimmerman recommends taking time to explore what you find erotic and then (if you’re in a relationship) sharing that with your partner—and asking them about their version of eroticism, too.

“Approach this with curiosity and a whole lot of openness rather than judgment or criticism. Then, play in any overlap you find,” she says. “This doesn’t mean you have to do the things you fantasize about, but you might find it hot to talk about, role-play, or fantasize together that it is happening or about to happen.”

5. Commit to some novelty.

If you’re in a long-term relationship, Zimmerman recommends making an active commitment as a couple to prioritize novelty.

“Decide you’re going to find something new to do together every month. You can change the location or setting, delve into each other’s sexual interests and fantasies and find something you haven’t done (or not done in a long time, anyway), or find a great yes/no/maybe list to get some ideas you may not have considered before,” she says. “Approach this with a spirit of adventure and exploration; it doesn’t have to go without a hitch.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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My sexual resume, or lack thereof

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My 60-year-old Catholic immigrant mom called me after my first column was published. She told me that one of her patients at her dental office saw my face next to my column on her news feed. Given the nature of what I write, all I was thinking was, “Well folks, it’s the end for me.”

Luckily, I was able to make up a shaky excuse because her patient couldn’t read English very well. At the time, I almost wished that she could, that she would tell my mother every nasty detail about my sexual and romantic life. Fearing that my mom would take me out of this world just as swiftly as she had brought me into it would have been a great reason to not write about sex anymore.

I didn’t want to write about sex because I believed I wasn’t qualified to write about sex. I’m no Dan Savage, no Alexandra Cooper, no Sofia Franklyn. People always tell me their crazy sex stories, not the other way around. To be honest, I don’t have sex as often as you think a sex columnist would, and I carry terrible intergenerational trauma that taught me to put off intimacy in order to survive. In fact, I was so uncomfortable with being vulnerable that I always felt extremely uneasy when my friends talked to me about something as simple as their favorite sex positions or how many fingers they had up their butthole last weekend.

Alas, being honest with myself and my sexuality was an easier bridge to cross than I had thought it would be. There was no epiphany or anything. I just continued being me. Both in sex and in my writing, I find it amusing to swing back and forth between boisterous confidence and quiet vulnerability, blunt physicality and embellished make-believe. I discovered quickly that sex is everywhere — that every corner of life is overflowing with orgasms, vulvas and phalli.

Everywhere I looked, sex was there looking right back at me — for better or for worse.

Once, while standing on a crowded street in San Francisco, I felt someone’s hand caress me under the hem of my skirt. But when I turned, I could only see the back of his head as he walked away. I was shocked. I mentally reenacted that moment many times, daydreaming about what I wished I’d said to this man who touched me.

I imagined grabbing him by the back of his polo, spinning him around and decking him in the face. I imagined what would have happened if I had worn pants that day instead. I imagined someone noticing what he did and asking me if I was OK. None of these scenarios played out. Instead, my voice caught in my throat. At the time, all I could muster was a private expletive before angry tears began to well up in my eyes.

Moments like those have shown me sex at its worst. As soon as I was old enough to notice, I learned that men wield a unique power to objectify and commodify women’s bodies. I learned that sex is often the manifestation of an unjust imbalance of power. All of the heteronormative, patriarchal, misogynistic and colonialist dimensions of sex left me with little hope of uplifting myself, let alone being vulnerable.

I have, however, also seen sex at its best. I love how beautiful and powerful I feel when someone touches me with care and respect. I love having sex with people who ask me for my consent. I love laughing during sex. I love having sex with people who have grown beyond selfishness, and I love decolonizing my body and unapologetically asking for more.

I have also fallen in love with the sheer physicality of sex, but sometimes I forget this. I have to remind myself that outside of all the oppression and injustice, sometimes sex is just something that makes me feel good. Sex lets me forget how much I hate the way that the patriarchy finds its way into my life, if only for a moment.

Sex is many things, not just eroticism. Sex is everywhere because sex is about power and choice. Sexual chemistry, horniness, intimacy — these are all realities that we will into being, not just happy accidents. Everyone, especially oppressed peoples, can wield the vulnerability of sex to dismantle systems of domination. As soon as I realized that I have the power to advocate for myself, feel good and make other people feel good, writing about sex suddenly didn’t seem that daunting after all.

Noticing that sex surrounds us means embracing our vulnerability and physicality in full. I restored power to myself when I freely chose not to hide or disappear. I thought I wasn’t qualified to write about sex, but I did it anyway. Indeed, most of us are far more qualified to talk about sex than we think. It’s just a matter of paying attention.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A beginner’s guide to foot play

By

Feet are immensely popular in the bedroom.

In fact, a recent survey by the sex toy brand Lelo revealed that feet are the top body part to play with, apart from genitals.

But if you’re a newbie podophile – the official term for someone who is sexually aroused by trotters – it can be hard to know where to begin, or how to tell your lover that you want to worship their feet.

To help us explore this kink and the many ways it can be enjoyed, we asked sex experts to share their top advice.

Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert at Lovehoney, the sex toy website, explains that our feet are erogenous zones – these beauties are packed with 7,000 nerve endings (which is also what makes them so ticklish).

Enjoying foot play isn’t necessarily about having a foot fetish, as the latter can be linked to psychological enjoyment, with some people using feet as humiliation or power play.

So, how to begin… ?

How to tell your partner you want to try foot play

Camilla Constance, a sex and intimacy expert, explains that you need to create a safe space where there’s no judgement – focus on keeping an open mind.

‘Talking about what you truly desire is one of the most intimate things you can do,’ she says.

‘Creating a safe container to have this talk is critical, so you need to follow a few simple rules:

‘1. Whatever you say inside the container will be listened to with love and respect and not be used as ammunition in an argument at a later date. This is critical for building safety and trust. 

‘2. Inside the container you listen without interrupting or answering. That does not mean the person speaking gets to experience their desire, it means they get to express their desire.

‘I suggest you agree to talk in a place you both feel safe and unthreatened, e.g sitting face-to-face or next to each other in bed. You clear a period of time for each other, (no TV, no phone, no computer…) just the two of you.

‘And you take it in turns to ask each other to express your desires (everything you desire to experience in your sex/relationship), fears (everything that causes you fear, anxiety or worry in your sex/ relationship) and loves (everything you love about your partner).’

Once the chat is done – and if you are both happy to proceed with foot play – the fun begins.

Give an erotic foot massage

Grab a bottle of oil or lotion, and start with a foot massage – but make sure your trotters are fresh before you shove them in your partner’s hands.

Annabelle says: ‘Only do what you’re comfortable with and give them a good scrub clean first – maybe by sharing a shower.

‘Start by offering your partner a foot rub. Work from the feet up and then back down again.

‘Make sure you get those nerve endings switched on and ready for action.’

Talk before you take it up a notch

If you’re interested in trying the BDSM aspect of foot play, such as being a foot slave or something else that is on the more extreme end of the fetish, clear it with your partner first.

‘If the kind of foot play you’re looking for goes beyond the desire for a simple, romantic massage, then a conversation needs to be had up front about whether you and your partner are both comfortable with it,’ adds Stuart Nugent, sex expert at Lelo.

‘Make sure you’re on the same page regarding the dynamics involved, especially if there are elements of domination and submission implied by what you want to do, or have done.

‘This isn’t the time for surprises, and it’s the worst time to discover that a partner has a serious but secret aversion to feet.’

Kiss your way to the treasure

As Stu mentioned, the best way to fulfil fantasies – foot fetish or not – is to talk to your sexual partner.

However, if you want, you can also use your body, or in this case mouth, to hint at what you’re after.

Annabelle says; ‘Try kissing down your partner’s inner thighs, use your oiled hands to stroke their feet, gently kiss the arches of their soles and begin licking and sucking their toes.’

But pay attention to their body cues, if they start to flinch when you kiss their ankles ask before you proceed.

Set the mood

‘Let’s assume that you’re both comfortable with feet, that consent has been sought and obtained, and that you’re ready to start,’ says Stu.

‘Prepare the space indulgently and sensuously, with scented candles and mood-lighting, and with some background music.

‘Don’t overlook this, it can make all the difference – a foot massage can be highly erotically charged, but for it to work effectively, you need create the right atmosphere.’

Get a manicure and throw on the heels

To get yourself in the mood, prepare your feet for the occasion.

Get a snazzy manicure (at home, until lockdown is over) and then wear your finest heels. Or pull on a pair of lace stay-ups and wear a cute toe ring, whatever works to put the attention on the lowest part of your body.

Different people prefer different shoes, so try various pairs – from stilettos to kitten heels or even loafers, if that’s your jam.

In the BDSM community, high heels are common as these are a sign of power in the wearer, either in a strappy style or a boot.

Camilla says: ‘For some a big part of foot play is the “stockings in sexy heels to naked” play.

‘Let me share a secret with you: those gorgeous sexy high heels you can’t walk in?

‘They weren’t designed for walking…they were designed for removing!

‘Lie back and enjoy having your shoes and stockings removed slowly, with gentle kisses all the way down your legs and covering your feet. Bliss.’

Join a foot party

Once the pandemic is over and we’re allowed to be within two metres of other people again, sign up for a foot party.

The aptly named London Foot Party regularly hosts events where you can delight in all things toes, ankles and more, including being trampled by beautiful models.

And since you’ll know that everyone is a fan of feet, you can let loose on those trotters.

Ask your partner to wash your feet for you

Or vice versa.

‘It’s deeply sensual (and very honouring) to have your feet washed by your partner, maybe make this a part of your erotic play,’ says Camilla.

To take the foot washing up a notch, choose a scented body wash that you both enjoy.

Watch foot porn for inspiration

From foot jobs to people being penetrated by toes, to people worshipping toes and close-ups of women putting their neatly-pedicured feet on car pedals while wearing sexy shoes, the porn industry has pretty much every fantasy you can imagine.

Use it as inspiration or perhaps ask your partner if they’d be keen to watch it with you.

Give a foot job

Once you’ve watched a video on how to give a foot job, why not give it a try?

Camilla says: ‘Feet are super sensitive, be aware of this if you are the giving partner.

‘If you are the receiving partner, try not to respond in your conditioned way (pulling them away) but instead get curious.’

Gently rub your toes up and down your partner’s genitals – but if this is the first time, ask before you do this. Use lube to ease the friction.

If your other half has a penis, use both your feet – one on either side – to wank them off.

You can also involve the balls, but be easy on the pressure – though some men do like having them ‘crushed’ or squashed. But even then, be gentle so that you or your partner don’t end up in A&E.

If your other half has a vagina you could slide your toes across their clitoris or try ‘toeing’ them (i.e. the foot version of fingering).

‘Keep in mind that all sensual play enjoyed before penetration is a sensual turn-on for women and builds orgasmic energy in our bodies,’ adds Camilla.

‘The more your turn on her whole body the greater her orgasm will be. Feet are no different.’

Go running before sex

Some podophiles not only enjoy the look of a sexy foot, but also, the scent.

Fresh sweat in men releases the pheromone androstenone, which is said to turn women on, but some people enjoy stale sweat scents too – that of smelly socks for instance.

You can even make money off your pungent footwear; one woman claims to earn £100,000 a year selling her foul-smelling garments.

And having a strong sense of smell whole could give you stronger orgasms, according to a Germany study.

There you have it – get your foot play on.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Space sex

— The trouble with joining the 62-mile-high club

Whether NASA likes it or not, humans eventually will be having space sex.

By Ross Pomeroy

According to NASA, no humans have ever had sex in space, but with the swift ascent of private space tourism, you can bet that humankind will soon join the 62-mile-high club.

This impending achievement, coupled with renewed efforts to populate Earth orbit, build a colony on the Moon, and travel to Mars, lay bare the urgent need for scientific research into all aspects of sex in space, a team of Canadian researchers from Concordia University and Laval University argue in a paper just published in the Journal of Sex Research.

The team, led by Simon Dubé, a Concordia University PhD candidate in psychology specializing in human sexuality, sextech, and erobotics, calls for space programs to seriously explore “space sexology,” defined as “the comprehensive scientific study of extraterrestrial intimacy and sexuality.”

Don’t ask, don’t tell

Until now, space agencies like NASA have ignored the topic of sex almost entirely, perhaps fearful of generating a controversy that could jeopardize their funding. When queried about sex, NASA officials have brushed the matter aside. Astronauts are apparently prohibited from having sex or developing intimate relationships onboard the International Space Station.

But, again, as humankind increasingly begins to embrace the prospect of colonizing low-Earth orbit and beyond through private missions, disregarding research into a basic human drive is growing less tenable. Dubé and his co-authors outlined a number of potential risks related to space sex that merit study.

Space sex matters

For starters, ionizing radiation could interfere with sexual reproduction by altering the DNA of sperm cells, egg cells, and even human embryos (though one study suggested that mammal embryos can develop normally in space). Moreover, microgravity could make sex both difficult and messy — a big problem in a setting where cleanliness is paramount. Space habitats are also cramped, remote, and not always private, making sexual needs hard to satisfy. Thinking even farther into the future, small settlements with limited intimate partners will undoubtedly breed stress, conflicts, and even sexual harrassment or assault. The further people are from Earth and the longer they are in space, the more likely that sexual and relationship-related problems will arise, Dubé and his colleagues write.

They make the case for researching solutions to these risks right away. “As technology makes extraterrestrial life and travel more accessible to the public, the people who go into space in the future — from scientists to tourists — may not have to undergo the same kind of stringent training or selection process as current astronauts,” they argue. “Producing quality science and implementing systemic changes take time, so why not start immediately, rather than wait for problems to arise?”

Dubé and his co-authors have already fleshed out a few potential areas for research. The first is designing systems and spaces that allow for eroticism to be safe, private, and hygienic. This effort may also include preliminary planning for delivering babies in space and treating any sex-related health issues. The second is creating training programs that prepare space travelers for intimacy, sexual activity, and any social problems that may arise. The third is engineering sexual technologies like toys or robots that permit clean and satisfying sexual experiences.

Ultimately, if properly researched and planned for, “intimacy and sexuality — like leisure — could help endure and normalize life in space by making it more enjoyable and less lonely,” the researchers say. Sexual activity relieves stress, lowers blood pressure, and helps with sleep, among many other benefits.

“Facilitating intimacy and sexuality in space could improve the life of astronauts and future space inhabitants,” Dubé and his colleagues add. “Intimate and sexual activities can arguably help people adapt to space contexts and normalize spacelife.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Discuss Your Deepest, Darkest Desires and Kinks With Your Partner

Discussing our innermost fantasies can be scary. But they can also help unlock a whole new world of pleasure.

By Shamani Joshi

It’s easy to rant about some of the more mundane parts of life – hectic work schedules, disappointing travel experiences and failed diet fads. It’s the deeper, darker crevices of our consciousness that are often difficult to divulge.

Especially when it comes to sexual fantasies, fetishes and kinks, the prospect of dissecting and discussing them can be daunting, tinged with the fear that the person privy to them may look at you differently or even judge you. From wanting to suck on someone’s toes to tying them up to role-playing a ravishment fantasy, voicing one’s deepest, darkest desires and kinks can leave a person feeling extremely vulnerable and overly exposed.

However, it can also be incredibly gratifying, especially when approached with the aim of achieving intimacy or unlocking new worlds of pleasure with a partner. And now that we’ve lived through a semi-apocalypse, two years of tight regulations and restrictions have fuelled a curiosity in pushing the boundaries of our bedroom lives for many of us. Maybe that explains why more people are gravitating towards kink or why fetish clubs and parties are booming.

Kink is a broad term that encompasses a bunch of alternative sexual interests, preferences or fantasies that go beyond vanilla sex – though vanilla’s bad rap is bogus. This might include BDSM, role-playing, or impact play such as spanking and whipping.

According to the 2015 Sexual Exploration in America Study Trusted Source, more than 22 percent of sexually active adults do role-playing, while more than 20 percent are into being tied up and spanking. Meanwhile, another 2016 survey also found that even in cases where people didn’t have the opportunity to explore their desires, nearly half of those surveyed were interested in it.

Today, a growing number of researchers and “sexperts” can attest to how much openly communicating your kinks to your partner can do for your relationship as well as your personal health.

But because it can be quite an overwhelming experience even when you’ve been with a significant other for a while, we asked experts about how to broach the topic. Here’s what they had to say.

Build up a comfort level 

When it comes to opening up about desires buried deep inside you, perhaps the most important aspect is making sure your connection with the person you want to try them with is equally deep. 

“The right time and place to bring up the fantasy conversation is when you feel safe with a partner,” Sara Tang, a sex coach who runs a podcast called Better in Bed, told VICE. Tang stressed that by allowing our partners to access our innermost thoughts and sexual fantasies, we could build an intimacy that then allows them to see us for who we are more clearly. However, this is not necessarily driven by how long you’ve been together or what stage of the relationship you are in. 

“It’s really about trust and communication more than time,” Laura Halliday, a sexual health and wellness educator who runs a website called School of Squirt told VICE. “You can have a kink relationship right off the bat or bring it up once you’re in a more long-term situation. The key is that you’re both open about your likes and dislikes as well as boundaries.”

However, experts pointed out that it is always better to discuss the fantasies with a partner rather than wait for them to be discovered.

“When a fantasy is discovered, it can become a source of conflict and misunderstanding within a relationship and even be destructive,” Tang said. She explained that stumbling into your partner’s porn cache or finding their profile on a kinky social networking site could bring with it a sense of betrayal, as opposed to a partner proactively discussing the fantasy.

Test the waters

Given how scary the prospect of rejection can be in such situations, experts recommend approaching the topic slowly and carefully rather than cannonballing straight into it.

“When you’re not sure how your partner will react or respond, I recommend bringing up the discussion in a casual way by saying that someone you know is into this kink,” said Pompi Banerjee, a kink-affirmative psychologist. Banerjee recommends a tactic whereby the person bringing up the kink can first gauge how their partner reacts when they are removed from the situation. “It would give you a sense if they would be into it or not, and you will feel less embarrassed or judged if they are not.”

She added that it was important for couples to have this conversation as a pleasure-oriented discussion rather than one driven from dissatisfaction. 

“If someone feels very safe or connected with their partner, they can bring it up and say, ‘I was thinking about our sex or love life and there are certain things I would love to try out,’” Banerjee said.

Set your boundaries

Informed, enthusiastic consent, experts emphasized, is key in taking your conversation to the next level.

“It’s important to understand that fantasies aren’t necessarily what we want in reality. That is why they’re called fantasies,” Tang said. “Always explain to your partner that there’s no pressure to explore the fantasy, especially if it’s not their thing. The best ground rules are that any exploration only happens with their consent, and that you will always respect their boundaries.”

Tang said that diving into a fantasy should be done slowly and steadily. “Take baby steps to build comfort and trust with the idea of exploring. For example, maybe you could do some role play or engage in some dirty talk with your partner to get you in the mood before trying out the fantasy in real life.”

Experts say role-playing can help your partner understand what exactly they might be getting into.

“Your partner needs to be 100 percent comfortable with voicing their likes, dislikes, and discomforts,” said Halliday. “You can role play this [fantasy] with them if they have a hard time voicing [it] themselves.” This roleplay can either be by acting out the fantasies before diving into them wholeheartedly or even just talking it out. 

Halliday also suggests using a safe word, a code word or signal that a person uses to express when they are uncomfortable, before getting into a fantasy, especially if it’s something that may be outside your partner’s comfort zone.

“A safe word is an absolute must,” she reiterated. “You should also set firm boundaries beforehand so no lines are accidentally crossed. And, of course, get continued consent through the encounter by asking questions like ‘should I touch here now?’ Or ‘do you want me to try this?’”

In fact, experts point out that safety isn’t only a matter of your partner feeling you are going too far. It should, in fact, power the process on the whole. 

“Think about safety, and not just the physical kind but also physiological, psychological and emotional safety,” said Banerjee. “Almost all of us have some traumas or triggers, so it’s important to first understand what could trigger your partner and make them feel unsafe. That’s why it’s essential to constantly check in with them and ask if they are feeling okay.”

Experts also recommend setting a worst-case scenario game plan that anticipates how everything could go wrong, by considering the most severe possible outcome and finding a solution to it. “A good debrief afterwards is also helpful, where you and your partner can process the experience together,” said Tang, recommending that couples ask questions about how the experience was and talk about the emotions they went through.

Accept that it may not work out

Even if you’ve been careful and considerate about everything stated thus far, things might not go according to plan. We’re not bots, after all.

“There’s no guarantee that a fantasy won’t make things awkward in reality,” said Tang, pointing out that in her experience, it is quite common to find fantasies much more enjoyable in one’s mind than in reality. “The best way you can reduce the likelihood of things getting awkward is to discuss and negotiate everything beforehand in as much detail as you can. Talk about your expectations, and any fears or feelings about exploring the fantasy. Share what each of you are and aren’t OK with trying out. Err on the side of over-communication rather than sharing too little, as that could help your partner not feel embarrassed, hurt and violated.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Beginner’s Guide To Shibari

— The Beautiful Japanese Form Of Rope Bondage

By Stephanie Barnes

Ever fantasized about being tied up or tying your partner up in the bedroom? Over the years, BDSM—which covers bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism—has become increasingly popular. One popular form of bondage is shibari, also known as Japanese rope bondage.

What is shibari?

Shibari, which translates to “to tie,” is a type of kink or BDSM play that involves tying people with rope. Also called Japanese rope bondage, shibari is rooted in the adult entertainment and image-making industry of the early 20th century through to today, says Midori, sexologist and author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage.

“Shibari originated as an underground form of culturally specific erotic fantasy play, enjoyed by ordinary people, which centers on erotic nostalgia of bygone eras,” Midori explains to mbg. “In the same way that kinky people of European heritage have incorporated legends and tools of medieval European incarceration, such as Saint Andrew’s Cross and shackles, into their sexual shadow play, so have Japanese folks found carnal inspiration from historical fables of their captured maidens and incarcerated heroes.”

Over the past decade or so, shibari has also become very popular outside of Japan. Today it’s enjoyed by consenting adults in private, in addition to being a staple in stage performances in kink-themed bars and in porn, she says.

Common misperceptions.

As shibari has gained popularity outside of Japan, there’s also been a rise in inaccurate narratives being shared around shibari and its history, says Midori.

“[These narratives are often] very romantic and alluring, and often gorgeously storied, where shibari is a noble and complex art form, passed down from the samurai, taught today from master to acolyte. Others claim that shibari is a respected art form and spiritual practice in Japan. These narratives, however, are unfortunately deeply problematic as they are another form of ‘othering,’ Orientalism, and out-of-context cultural appropriation,” she says.

Other misperceptions include the following:

Shibari is a spiritual act.

Despite popular belief, shibari isn’t a spiritual practice in Japan. Midori says it’s normal for some shibari lovers everywhere to “find moments of emotional catharsis” and “make it their own form of spiritual exploration,” but these things aren’t exclusive to shibari.

“It’s been so for people who enjoy other forms of kink, such as leather bondage, flogging, ordeal play, and dominance and submission, just to name a few,” she explains. “Japanese Rope can be a naughty bit of sexual play or stillness of self in a chaotic world, and everything in between.”

Shibari must be complex and difficult.

While it can be complicated, it really doesn’t have to be. Midori says because the more fancy-looking and physically challenging photos posted online get so much attention, it’s easy to assume that’s the norm. It’s not. 

“You don’t have to study and master complex forms that might not even be healthy for you or your partner’s body. A few basic ties, such as one or two-column ties and maybe a simple body harness, is fine, good, and hot kink fun for most people. When it comes down to it, it’s about tying each other for shared fun and sensual delight. It shouldn’t be intimidating or irritating,” she says.

Shibari is all about sexual pleasure.

From the outside looking in, shibari may seem like it’s solely focused on sexual pleasure, but that’s not always the case. According to certified sex educator Dainis Graveris, different people have different motivations for engaging in this type of rope bondage. People often do feel aroused by the body awareness that they experience during and after shibari, he notes, but not every experience needs to include sexual stimulation. “However, you’ll still experience something intimate and feel closer to the other person because of the trust involved in the experience.”

Shibari is violent.

Graveris says pain can be an element of shibari, but it shouldn’t feel like torture, nor should it be unpleasant. “It’s meant to be enjoyed, not something that you suffer through,” he says. “Trust is another vital element during shibari play between you and your partner.”

To make sure you remain in control of the situation and that you won’t be in so much pain that the experience becomes unpleasant, make sure that you clarify your boundaries from the get-go. You can also come up with safe words and discuss nonverbal cues, like what it might look like if you’re doing OK or if you’re distressed.

Shibari is just like other forms of bondage.

Japanese rope bondage and other forms of bondage are different types of rope play. Besides the different rope materials being used in each, the motives and aesthetics are also very different, says Graveris.

“Western rope bondage entails more of a functional role or tying someone up for the purpose of restraining. On the other hand, shibari cares more about the aesthetics of tying someone up,” he explains. “The former uses tying as a foreplay practice where couples get to have sex right after. Meanwhile, each tie means something in shibari. One can say that the experience from shibari comes from the process of being tied or tying—what happens during play and not what comes after, i.e., sex.”

Benefits of shibari:

1. It promotes intimacy.

“The delicious secret about rope bondage and shibari fun that most people don’t talk about is that it requires close contact, lots of good skin sensation from light to deep, and ongoing sexy communication,” Midori says.

2. It’s easily and infinitely adaptive.

Like most things in life, there is no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to shibari. The experience will be what you make it, and luckily, there are countless ways to tweak it to fit you and yours.

“It’s infinitely adaptive as you can adjust and change it to suit all body types, physical conditions, and experience levels. You don’t need to be flexible to enjoy shibari—you just need to be clear about what works and doesn’t work for your body that day,” Midori says.

3. It can be empowering.

“Negotiation, or the pre-play conversation required in shibari and other BDSM play, can empower everyone to set and respect good boundaries, develop excellent consent-making skills, engage in collaborative joy creation,” Midori says. “This, in turn, gives each of us more confidence, and a path toward greater authenticity in self-expression.”

4. It can give you a healthy rush of endorphins.

According to Graveris, when you decide to submit to the experience, your body will reward you with feel-good hormones like endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine. Once you’ve gotten the hang of the techniques, you can push your body’s limits until it rewards you with those benefits.

How to get started.

Even though there is plenty of information online, finding quality, reputable sources for information on shibari and related rope play can be quite challenging. If this is something you are truly interested in exploring, then consider connecting with your local BDSM community.

“Go to a class. Better yet, go to a lot of classes!” says Angie Rowntree, founder and director of ethical porn site SSSH. “Learning shibari and any kind of rope bondage takes commitment, time, and practice. Give yourself the opportunity to learn about it in person. There are also regional and national events that have a rope bondage component where you can go for a day, weekend, and sometimes longer to learn, practice and socialize with others that have similar interests to you.”

Sex educator Madeleine Ross adds that it’s vital to have an open discussion with your partner before trying shibari. “Be clear about what you expect from the experience and create a safe word that you can use with your partner if things get out of hand and either one of you wants to stop or pause,” she says. “If you don’t know your partner well in bed, it’s best to ask a few basic questions like what signals they normally give when they’re feeling good, how to tell if they’re having a good time, signs to look out for if they’re in pain or don’t feel comfortable, and others.”

Start with a few ties best suited to beginners, like the single- and double-column ties. Graveris recommends finding a comfortable and spacious place that you and your partner are familiar with.

“Do not jump straight into shibari suspension,” he adds. “Practice with floor ties to ensure that you apply the right methods and techniques before you’re up in the air.”

Tips & techniques to try:

1. Plan your aftercare.

“Preplan each of your aftercare needs. After shibari fun, whether the playtime went fantastic or not, people often need their own time to transition. Give plenty of time for aftercare. This period of the afterglow is necessary for converting a good time into a fantastic memory,” Midori says.

2. Start with a cotton rope.

Midori recommends starting with ropes made from cotton, which are “easy on the skin, hold knots well, easy to wash after messy sexy fun, budget-friendly, and are not likely to cause allergic reactions. Shibari does not require you to have exotic or expensive ropes made of hemp, jute, or other fibers. Many people are allergic to these as well.”

3. Start short, too.

Start with shorter ropes, as they’re easier to handle. Super long ropes can get tangled up, be hard to handle, and just increase frustration for the person tying and boredom for the person waiting to be tied, Midori says.

4. Always have safety scissors on hand.

Always have a set of safety scissors nearby when playing. Sometimes knots simply get too tight or the person needs to get out fast.

5. Use sex positions for inspo.

Midori recommends starting with your most favorite sex position, then use the ropes to tie your partner into that shape. (Here’s some sex position inspo, if you need it.)

6. Go for this classic technique.

Tie the right wrist to the right thigh and the left wrist to the left thigh. If the partner is a bit more flexible, try wrists to ankles.

Additional resources to consider.

The bottom line.

Exploring shibari is an excellent way to bring you and your partner closer. It’s also a great way of better understanding your own body, which could ultimately leave you feeling empowered. However, it’s super important to do your research before diving in. 

Additionally, do not try to imitate the positions or poses you’ve seen in professionally shot adult films or on the social media accounts of popular shibari lovers without the appropriate training and safety precautions. And of course: Always keep your play safe and fully consensual.

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Here’s How To Be Submissive In Bed If You’re New To BDSM

“Power play” is your new BFF.


By Emma Glassman-Hughes

It seems you could hardly crack a whip in the last decade without hitting a mainstream depiction of BDSM. Fifty Shades Of Grey eviscerated book sales and box office records; Rihanna’s ode to “chains and whips” peaked at number two on Billboard’s 2011 charts; Netflix’s Bonding gives dominatrixes a manic-pixie makeover. All that exposure to kink, power play, and BDSM (an abbreviation for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism) may have you wanting to explore some elements of the practice yourself. Whether you want to try bondage, new props, role-playing, or being more dominant or submissive in bed, the numbers of BDSM-curious folks like yourself are steadily climbing.

Of the 2,000 adults surveyed in 2018 by sex toy brand EdenFantasys, one in four consider themselves kinky and are looking to explore new sex acts. Of that 25%, 14% said they wanted to incorporate dominance and submission into their partnered play — they just weren’t sure how to bring up the subject. Similarly, in 2021, dating app OkCupid tells Elite Daily they found a 17% increase in BDSM terms in women’s user profiles, and a 44% increase in similar terms in men’s user profiles. OkCupid also found an overall 14% increase in users who say they are “open to trying new things in bed” during the pandemic.

Psychotherapist Amanda Luterman, founder of the Center for Erotic Empathy in Montreal, says these numbers likely rose throughout the pandemic because forced isolation prompted many partners to rewrite their sexual scripts and deconstruct their pre-existing power dynamics.

Why Is Submission So Hot?

Submission is widely misunderstood and misrepresented, according to Luterman. “Submission doesn’t just mean being able to bend over, or get on your knees, or do all of these hot things that you see in porn, and have it be arousing,” she tells Elite Daily. Instead, she says, submission is sexy because of the narrative ascribed to it.

“You don’t have to fantasize about sweeping floors, but if your beautiful person comes over to you and says, ‘I want to watch you sweep this floor. Take your clothes off, I want to watch your body while you do this for me,’ you may find it really interesting to sweep that floor,” Luterman says. “It’s not the act, it’s the dynamic.”

Luterman makes the point that, in a pre-internet age, most people could just pick up a Playboy and be perfectly aroused. A static (albeit very hot) image was enough. But now, “people need a story to motivate their arousal more than ever.” Power play and BDSM, especially dominance and submission, offer people an avenue to engage their imaginations and act out their fantasies.

Subs Have The Power

Another misconception about submission is that it’s an expression of disrespect, Luterman says. Instead, she says, submission is based on “unconditional respect” and a “belief that your pleasure is of equal or greater importance to the partner you’re playing with.”

Jasmine Johnson, a Florida-based licensed clinical therapist and self-described “adult entertainer and sex educator committed to decolonizing sex,” puts it another way. “One of the most important things for a submissive to know is that they have all of the power in the dynamic,” she says. Even if your goal in practicing submission is to give up the power, your role as a sub is to recognize that you have power to begin with, and “it’s yours to give, to submit, and to relinquish to your partner. It’s a give and take.”

Dominance and submission look different for every partnership, but at its core, Luterman says “dominance is not domineering, it’s nurturance.” As a sub, your dom should be “a person who — no matter how they choose to pleasure you, or what props you use, or what story you’re going to use as a motivator for that erotic scene — is very aware of your wellbeing and is attuned to what it is that you’re after sexually and erotically.”

“To use the archetypal image of submission, it doesn’t have to be on your knees somewhere, or you looking up,” Luterman says. “The scene may actually look dominant; a woman who’s been afraid of getting on top all her life, maybe because she’s a bigger woman, may actually feel great pride in feeling nurtured into her pleasure, and moved by the person beneath her, who’s a really good dominant.”

Other misconceptions about BDSM abound: Subs don’t solely give pleasure while doms receive it; the pleasure-giving should be mutual, even if it looks imbalanced from the outside. Also, sub/dom relationships do not have to incorporate sadism or masochism — or include pain at all — unless all partners are aroused by it.

Subs Need Clear Boundaries


Despite popular depictions, sub/dom relationships don’t follow a formula; a sub needs to first determine for themselves how they want to submit — and what their boundaries are — before they can start practicing with a partner.

Luterman says the first step to incorporating submission into your relationship is to communicate your desire to play with power in your sex life. Tell your partner you want to see what it feels like to not be allowed to do things, or to not allow them to do things. If your partner is receptive, the next step is learning how to articulate the fantasy you have in your head. She suggests asking yourself what it is you want, how you want to be seen by your partner, and what you can take from past sexual experiences to fuel your next encounter.

Similarly, Johnson tells clients in the early stages of experimenting with submission to identify the power that they have and the power they’d like to relinquish.

“Is it your body? What parts of your body?” she asks. “Is it your mind? What aspects of your psyche do you want to offer to your partner? By creating that framework, it allows dominants and submissives to be safe, and the submissive is now prepared to do some work.”

Without putting in that work beforehand, Johnson says the sub/dom encounter will fail. “If I ask a submissive, ‘What are your boundaries?’ and they go, ‘I don’t have any boundaries’ or ‘do whatever you want,’ that’s a red flag for a dominant. You have to develop those boundaries. A dominant won’t create those for you.”

Johnson says by practicing submission without a clear idea of your own needs, you’re not only setting yourself up for a less fulfilling exchange, but you’re putting yourself in danger. “What we don’t want is for a submissive to go into a dynamic where they say ‘I don’t have any boundaries’ but they end up discovering those boundaries by crossing them,” she says. “Those boundaries get created for you out of bad things happening. So self-exploration is important.”

Before you take your sub/dom fantasy to a partner, Johnson recommends familiarizing yourself with your own boundaries and pleasure first — perhaps by way of something she calls “self-domination,” to get an idea of the things you might like.“If I’m doing a session with a client and they say they like to be spanked, I’ll go, ‘Where? How hard?’ And they’re like, ‘I don’t know, whatever you want,’” Johnson says. “So I say go ahead and slap yourself the way you like to be slapped.”

When you do eventually introduce the idea of power play to your partner, Luterman suggests that you take it slow. “Incorporate dress rehearsals where you can dialogue, for example, what parts of your body are absolute ‘no’s; what parts of your body are experimental, ‘let’s see how it goes’ regions; what parts are ‘yes, please,’” she says.

Submission Can Be Freeing

People fantasize about submission for any number of reasons. Luterman says many peopleare drawn to submission because it’s clinically effective in the treatment of anorgasmia. “A lot of girls in their early 20s don’t have partnered orgasms very easily,” Luterman says. “They don’t feel comfortable incorporating vibration yet, or they feel like they’re responsible for their partner’s ego during sex so it has to be all manual.” But, she says, asking a partner to dominate you a bit in the situation can make a massive difference.

“Say something like, ‘If you tell me I’m not allowed to, or restrain my hands a little bit while you give me clitoral stimulation, then I think I may feel less responsibility to make it happen for myself.’”

“If you incorporate a little bit of power play, you reduce the responsibility sense, you reduce the fear that a person has to perform as they feel they’re expected to,” she continues. “There’s going to be an essence of that encounter that’s going to help you get out of your comfort zone and leave you feeling less vulnerable afterwards.”

In this way, the most powerful sub/dom relationships can be transformative. “A good dom will say, ‘You’re going to do this for me. We’re going to take care of you,’” Luterman says. “I see a lot of bold moves come from healthy dominant/submissive relationships.”

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Rare photos kept secret for over a century

When Hugh Nini and Neal Treadwell stumbled across a photo from the 1920s of two men in a tender embrace they thought it was one-of-a-kind. But things changed when they found more photographs. The result of their unexpected discovery is a moving book, portraying male romance over the course of a century.

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A Better Way to Write About Sex

Works that question how we think about love and desire: Your weekly guide to the best in books

By Kate Cray

J. H. Kellogg may be best known for his popular cereal brand, but his legacy includes much more than just breakfast. The inventor of corn flakes was also a health activist who lobbied aggressively for controversial practices—including painful and extreme measures to prevent masturbation. As the book Sex in America argues, the breakfast magnate’s campaign against self-pleasure cast the normal and healthy activity as taboo, just like many of the other anti-sex forces that had dominated the country for centuries.

But those forces couldn’t persist forever. In recent years, an attitude of sex positivity has become the norm, counteracting this long-standing culture of shame. Sex actually is good, the new thinking goes, and people should be having more of it (with consent, of course). Still, although the empowering philosophy has expanded our understanding of sexuality (and is infinitely preferable to a culture of shame), its liberating power has sometimes been hindered by the simplistic way many people apply it. “Positive” may be too one-note of an outlook on something as messy and complicated as sex.

For one, not everyone wants sex. As the journalist Angela Chen explores in her book Ace, our culture’s obsession with sexual attraction can leave those with different experiences feeling abnormal or as though they have a problem that needs to be solved. Even those who do crave sex don’t crave all sex or all sexual experiences. The broad defense for any critiques of our sexual attitudes seems to be consent: If everyone involved said yes, then there can’t be a problem. But this framework is inherently limited, the academic Katherine Angel writes in Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again, as it ignores the power dynamics that sometimes restrict the freedom of our choices. We need a standard for communication that goes beyond mere agreement.

Talking about any of this can seem impossible. Sex positivity does mandate openness, but as shows like Netflix’s Sex Education demonstrate, that forthrightness often seems to permeate only conversations that celebrate sex—not those that question or complicate it. But nuanced and caring discussions about the topic do exist. One place to find them is in romance novels. The genre may have its roots in bodice rippers, many of which cast scenes of rape as romantic, but new writers are aware of these past failings—and are eager to do better. As the author Jasmine Guillory told my colleague Hannah Giorgis in 2018, she aims to write characters who respect each other and who seek not just consent but enthusiasm. In doing so, she is charting a better way to write about love and desire.

What We’re Reading

illustration of a bird and a bee

Why are young people having so little sex?

“Signs are gathering that the delay in teen sex may have been the first indication of a broader withdrawal from physical intimacy that extends well into adulthood.”

crowd of people

The limits of sex positivity

“As American culture has become more expansive in its understanding of sexuality, so has sex therapy. But this kind of sex positivity often doesn’t leave room for those who don’t want sex at all.”

Silhouette of female torso in pink over profile of face in green and shape of a hand with photo of woman's nose and lips

The problem with being cool about sex

“Half a century after the sexual revolution and the start of second-wave feminism, why are the politics of sex still so messy, fraught, and contested?”

Stills from 'Sex Education,' 'Sex: Unzipped,' and 'Sex, Love, and Goop'

Where sex positivity falls short

“The catch of a faultlessly sex-positive universe in which everyone’s up for everything is that there isn’t much space to explore what happens when they’re not.”

illustration of two people on a background printed with Cupid's arrows

How to write consent in romance novels

“[Jasmine] Guillory is particularly skilled at writing the men who woo her novels’ female protagonists with compassion and empathy … Guillory’s male leads aren’t perfect, but they’re unwavering in their respect for the women at the center of these stories.”

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