Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship probably has come up against intimacy gaps. Here’s a way to kickstart it again.
By Susie Moore
A friend of mine was complaining over dinner recently that in her five-year marriage, her sex life has really slowed down.
As a celebrity life coach and with eight years of experience helping people overcome blocks and attract more of what they want, this was a topic I’d come across before. It can happen at any stage in a relationship – and it doesn’t mean there’s necessarily a reason to panic.
When something “goes wrong” in a relationship, often our instinct is that it will be tough to transform or that it will require “deep work” to push though and make it out to the other side.
There’s can also be another, gentler way that works.
Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship has or probably will come up against intimacy gaps at some point. Freaking out is not the answer. Nor is diving deeply into “the problem.”
Here’s are some simple and effective suggestions that you can try instead:
Think loving, sexy thoughts toward your partner
Look at them through the eyes of someone who might spot them across the room at a party. Remind yourself why you were attracted to them in the first place. Just because someone is familiar doesn’t mean you can’t foster a fresh attraction. It’s up to you and your thinking! Passion (and orgasms) begin in the mind.
Physically touch in a romantic way that doesn’t have to lead to sex
When was the last time you had a long, lasting kiss? Or a hug that lingered for more than two seconds?
Stop making your partner “wrong”
My friend Alexandra, an intimacy expert, taught me this important lesson: Someone who is wrong all the time is not sexy at all! When we criticise our partner non-stop, we become less attracted to them. How can a person who is wrong all the time seem sexy to you?
You’re allowed to disagree without anyone being wrong — for example, if your partner refuses to get into the plant-based meat substitutes you’re loving, validate your partner’s side of things. “I like veggie burgers, but I respect your meat-loving nature!”
A wrong person doesn’t feel sexy or attractive, to you or to themselves. So stop trying to win fights. It’s killing both of your sex drives.
You can also ask questions!
Instead of jumping into conflict as a reflex, use it as a chance to get to know each other better. For example, instead of saying, “You’re too stingy with money when it comes to eating out!” Ask, “What are you saving for? Tell me what you want in the future.”
Being open-minded fosters closeness and intimacy, allowing you to understand your partner in a whole new way.
Choose curiosity over judgment
Instead of using critical language such as saying something is bad/boring/dumb/annoying, be curious instead. “This isn’t a TV show I’d normally watch, but I see you love it — what’s so good about it?”
Bonus relationship hack
Whatever you’re telling your partner helps shape what they become. Your life partner is your biggest decision and most important teammate – so be on their side! You reap the benefits, too.
There’s an old joke I love: A husband and wife are driving around in their hometown, where he is the mayor. They stop to get some petrol, whereupon the wife recognises the attendant as a high-school boyfriend. After they drive off, her husband tells her, smugly, “See, if you’d married him, you’d be working at a petrol station.” The wife replies, “If I’d married him, he’d be the mayor.”
Touch, respect, admiration, and building each other up — these are all sexy behaviours that will bring you much more closeness than focusing on problems. You don’t need new lingerie or Botox to increase intimacy. Your emotional connection enhances your physical connection — they’re entwined.
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