—And It’s Actually Pretty Great
By Vrutika Shah
The world has never been kind to a long-distance relationship. While life never tires of throwing lemons your way with the utmost unpredictability, you never see pop culture deliver a fairytale romance that gives the hardest kind of relationship its due credit. On the contrary, it’s dismissed as a facade for underlying, superficial intentions. On an episode of How I Met Your Mother, protagonist Ted Mosby sums it up by saying, “Long distance is just a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.” Even in these fictional tales, if the love story somehow results in a happy ending, there are elements of infidelity that often come into play. However, as someone who’s been in a six-year long-distance relationship that culminated in marriage, I’m here to tell you that it’s not that bad. In fact, it’s actually pretty great.
My husband and I met like most other couples, at a common friend’s party in 2017. He works in the merchant navy and is usually away at sea for six months at a time. We began dating within six months of meeting one other and got married earlier this year. Since he proposed to me in 2019, people who learn about my relationship usually react with a sympathetic head tilt and ask the same three questions. So, I’m answering them once and for all in the hope that someone might find respite in my story, especially in times when dating apps are wreaking havoc on romance.
To be honest, I’m kind of tired of the pessimism that comes hand-in-hand with the concept of long-distance relationships. Let’s begin with the premise that in order for your relationship to work, your partner and you should bring each other great joy, satisfy each other mentally and physically, and have no issues that cannot be solved with loving words. Like in any relationship, the red flags should be limited to the kind that you can tolerate because, let’s be real, nobody’s perfect and you too come with your own baggage.
The first argument against long-distance relationships is usually: How do you keep your sights locked onto just one person that you don’t see very often? This question always baffles me, because what’s the guarantee that your devotion towards one another won’t waiver even if you live in the same town as your partner? People cheat on one another despite living under the same roof, and the answer really boils down to the nature of your relationship and how much loyalty means to your partner and you. For my husband and me, in the first month of meeting one another and confessing our feelings, we placed loyalty significantly high on the list of things that had to be a part of our relationship for it to work. We went in with the mindset that we saw something long-term with one another. And since then, a third person has never entered the picture. We were both so confident in our connection that there was never a question of our sights yo-yo-ing, but we also shut down any advances made by a third party at the first instance. That’s not to say that monogamy should be the way for everybody—all I’m trying to say is that your partner and you need to be on the same page with clear priorities.
The second question I usually get from concerned friends and relatives is: Don’t you get lonely? I usually respond with a firm no and a dismissive shrug, but I always wonder if, as a society, we’re still stuck in the ’90s mindset that you can’t function without a partner. Even today, so many of my own friends don’t step out of the house without their significant other. To me, this makes no sense. I work a 9-to-5 job, I have two sets of friends, two families, and two dogs to care for. And even if I choose to just have a mellow night, I’m perfectly happy in my own company. The limited time that my husband and I get to do a video call during the day feels like a well-earned break and I love that he is my space for venting and nurturing. This allows both of us to have a world outside our relationship and thrive in it, rather than mushing into each other’s personalities.
And lastly, because I know this question is already in your head: Is it extra magical every time you are together? Hell yes! Picking my husband up from the airport is our tradition. Even after six years together, instead of having a mutually agreed-upon place to meet, we struggle to find each other in the parking lot. But when I finally spot him, every cell in my body launches towards him and I don’t care about who’s watching. We usually have big plans made for our next adventure together, but even just sitting around, watching TV or doing chores, brings us genuine pleasure. And then, when it’s time to go our separate ways, instead of being sad and sappy, we make it a priority to make every last bit of time count and then say our goodbyes with a smile and a whole lot of support. This has also allowed both of us to be just as crazy about one another as we were when we started dating. We legitimately enjoy each other’s company and count it as a privilege.
I won’t say long-distance relationships aren’t hard. A big part of being in love makes you want to experience all the wonderful and terrible things in life along with your partner. That feeling of I wish you were here never goes away. Your communication skills are tested to the limit, especially if different time zones, network issues, and busy schedules are involved. But if you can cross those hurdles, your relationship has passed the hardest test and can withstand almost any curveballs that may come your way. Compromises don’t feel like a big deal because your partner is well aware of your limits, and vice versa.
Long-distance relationships not only force you to be your partner’s best friend and confidante, but also allow a space for your individuality to shine through. It’s easy to become a little self-involved from time to time, but I have found that being in a long-distance relationship allows you to gain a wider perspective. It somehow gives you the power to make your problems seem smaller than they are in your mind. When you know somebody’s in your corner and always rooting for you, there are very few things in life that can really bring you down. For example, when my husband is sailing, we face network issues very often that present themselves in the form of lags and reconnections. But after years of navigating through them, we’ve got to a point where we’re so in tune with one another that we can manage to have an entire conversation with the delayed responses no longer posing a problem. If that’s not in sync, I don’t know what is.
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