Month: December 2022

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How Sex Changed the Internet and the Internet Changed Sex

— An Unexpected History

By Samantha Cole

Samantha Cole has been a journalist for over 10 years, spending the last five reporting on tech, sexuality, gender, and the adult industry. She is a senior editor of Motherboard, the science and technology outlet for VICE.

Below, Samantha shares 5 key insights from her new book, How Sex Changed the Internet and the Internet Changed Sex: An Unexpected History. Listen to the audio version—read by Samantha herself—in the Next Big Idea App.

How Sex Changed the Internet and the Internet Changed Sex: An Unexpected History By Samantha Cole

1. The internet was built on sex.

Early modes of internet communication were predicated on, and popularized by, a desire for sex and romance. Bulletin Board Systems, the digital equivalent of public cork boards, were quickly popularized as places to access porn online. With names like SleazeNet, ThrobNet, and Pleasure Dome, many subscription-based bulletin boards were for trading images scanned from porn magazines or photos uploaded by amateurs.

But they weren’t all just for smut; they were also hubs of harm reduction, especially during the AIDs crisis and as a way for queer and marginalized people to find community and care in a time when coming out was even more dangerous than it is today.

On Usenet, a decentralized messaging system, people debated concepts of safe spaces and moderation. They fought over whether men should be permitted in women’s-only threads, and kept long-running threads about everything from politics to how have sex on a scuba dive.

In text-based multi-user domains, or MUDs people roleplayed as fantasy versions of themselves, and found love and loss. In one classic MUD legend, someone playing as an evil clown sexually assaulted other members of the chat, which threw the entire community into chaos.

“People fell deeply in love within these online spaces, met in person, got married, or got their hearts broken.”

In these systems, people grappled with how to define consent, abuse, and harassment. People fell deeply in love within these online spaces, met in person, got married, or got their hearts broken. Ex-lovers emailed administrators to ask to be removed from the chats, since seeing their former partners even through a screen was too emotionally charged. The desire to be seen and understood permeated these earliest predecessors of social media, and naturally, they often turned to the sexual.

2. The tech we take for granted was pioneered by sex.

Much of the technology used today was developed to build an internet devoted to sex and sex work. Browser cookies and user tracking were developed by online dating entrepreneurs and porn webmasters who wanted to keep track of who visited their sites so that they could advertise more effectively. Affiliate marketing, which makes a lot of the internet run today, was popularized by porn site owners who needed to make money from the thousands of people visiting their sites every day.

The JPEG was developed using a photo of a playboy centerfold named Lena, and her photograph was used as the test to standardize image processing for decades.

Webcams and web conferencing software were popularized by the earliest generations of cam models, who set up sites to sell a peek inside their bedrooms. Lifestreamers, who streamed their lives 24/7, no censorship, paved the way for today’s Twitch and Tiktok stars. Tech that was once used mostly for sexual intrigue we now use for business calls every day.

“Online sex tech pioneers are still crafting new ways to express themselves and capitalize on the internet’s insatiable desires.”

The founder of Web Personals, which was one of the very first online dating websites, claims to have invented the shopping cart and the tech that tracks users from page to page within a site.

Site subscriptions, members-only content, online credit card transactions, and advertising models—the list goes on, and online sex tech pioneers are still crafting new ways to express themselves and capitalize on the internet’s insatiable desires.

3. The internet transformed the porn industry.

The adult industry used to work very differently. Pre-internet, it was based on a studio system, where you typically had to have an agent, know a producer, or be located somewhere like LA or the San Fernando Valley. The production companies or the studios owned the rights to your images as well as all the video you shot with them.

This system also meant that buying porn required finding a store, browsing the shelves, and buying or renting a tape or magazine. These shops were very male-dominated spaces.

All of that changed with the internet and inventions like the webcam and user-generated content platforms like clip and cam sites. Suddenly anyone could break out and carve their own niche, retain ownership of their own content, vet clients through safer means, and work on their own terms, often without leaving home.

4. The internet transformed the sex toy industry.

The 70’s saw a revolution in women’s pleasure: people like Dell Williams, the founder of Eve’s Garden in New York City, and sex educator Joani Blank pioneered the notion of sex toys and orgasms as something healthy and worthwhile. Hitachi magic wands were sold at Macy’s and buying one is what inspired Dell Williams to open her own shop.

“More people than ever could safely browse, comparison shop, read reviews and chat about their interests, kinks, and fetishes.”

But when the World Wide Web came along in the late 80’s, the internet did for sex toys what it had done for porn: took an experience previously isolated to socially stigmatized spaces (like sex shops or adult video stores) and brought the shopping experience home. A wider variety of people could now access sex toys that were once out of their grasp. More people than ever could safely browse, comparison shop, read reviews and chat about their interests, kinks, and fetishes.

There has been a big destigmatizing effect as well. It’s a lot less awkward than it used to be to buy a sex toy, and it’s a lot less weird to talk to strangers about your kinks.

5. The future of sex online depends on us.

On the modern-day internet, sexual speech—including sex work, sex education, and expressions of sexuality outside of the heteronormative—are increasingly suppressed. Bad legislation like FOSTA (Fight Online Sex Trafficking Act) or SESTA (Stop Enabling Sex Traffickers Act), which passed into law in 2018 and conflated all sexual speech as trafficking, made it harder for anyone working in these industries or trying to build communities around sexual identity to exist online. Anti-sex groups are pushing for increased censorship and discrimination by mainstream platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, under the guise of saving women and children from exploitation. Demonizing sex doesn’t solve abuse online—it makes it worse.

The pessimistic view is that things will continue to get more sterilized and censored online. The reality is that things aren’t getting more welcoming to sex, they’re getting more hostile.

If we want a future where sexuality, innovation, and safety co-exist, then we have to stand against discrimination of sex workers and marginalized people, and take control of how we want to exist online.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Sex Researcher Explains Why Open Relationships Might Be The Future For Our Society

A Sex Researcher Explains Why Open Relationships Might Be The Future For Our Society

By Mark Travers

It’s easy to assume that open relationships don’t concern you, especially if you’re in a monogamous relationship or identify as a monogamist. But sex reseacher and NYU professor Dr. Zhana Vrangalova argues there is more to the story than meets the eye.

Research by Vrangalova, conducted in collaboration with Ashley Madison, an online married dating company, reveals that nearly half of partnered Americans are unsatisfied with the sexual aspects of their primary relationships. In fact, the report uncovered a number of findings that staunch monogamists might find concerning, such as:

  • More than half of people in committed relationships in America are uncomfortable sharing their sexual fantasies with their partners.
  • Two-thirds of Americans report fantasizing about having sex with other people. These fantasies include BDSM, non-monogamy, and multi-partner sex.
  • A third of partnered Americans say that their ideal type of relationship is some sort of openness if they could be assured it wouldn’t harm their primary relationship.

These results make it clear that non-monogamy is not a fringe desire and that non-monogamists, including adulterers, aren’t sexual outliers. But is the desire to be sexually active outside of your primary relationship amoral? A better question, according to Vrangalova, is why these desires feel so natural.

A dilemma of primal urges

We can find the roots of monogamy in our innate desire for long-term security and the evolutionary urge to have children. Fulfilling this need ensures, at least in principle, life-long trust and stability.

Vrangalova explains that while the need for security and companionship is present in every human being, there is another desire in all of us that can be at loggerheads with it. This is the desire for novelty, exploration, and experience-seeking. According to her, non-monogamy is a manifestation of this desire.

“There are evolutionary arguments to be made for both needs,” says Vrangalova. “Long-term relationships fill the need of security, trust, and stability, which is the most important basic need. However, that need is separate from experience-seeking. The reality is that humans have both of these needs.”

Our culture, Vrangalova warns, is currently too intolerant of what she calls ‘negotiated non-monogamy’ — which, for some couples, is a way to satisfy both needs.

“To start, we need to change the default assumption that we’re going to fall in love and never have outside sexual desires again,” says Vrangalova.

What we get wrong about open relationships

Vranglova points out that non-monogamy is usually viewed as a loophole for infidelity or promiscuity in our society. However, non-monogamy is far more complex and meaningful than that for most people who practice it.

Here are two myths about non-monogamy that circulate in our society:

  • People who ‘open up’ their relationships have fallen out of love but do not want to dissolve their bond completely. This type of thought process is binary in nature – i.e., if two people love each other, they will be monogamous and introducing non-monogamy signals the death of their relationship. However, many people who practice non-monogamy are still in healthy relationships with their primary partner.
  • A non-monogamous arrangement is essentially a free-for-all. Negotiated non-monogamy is based on principles of clear communication and boundaries. Both partners draw their individual lines as well as general rules for their relationship. This can include whether they want to listen to each other’s non-monogamous encounters or not.

Even after knowing this, trying out non-monogamy can be a challenge for people in committed relationships. Vrangalova believes that if one is truly interested in testing out non-monogamy in their relationship, taking baby steps is the way to go.

How you can flirt with non-monogamy

Vrangalova has worked with many couples to help them ‘open up’ their relationship without damaging it or overwhelming themselves through her online course. Here are three pieces of advice she gives for couples who want to dabble in non-monogamy:

  • Talk about your sexual fantasies. The starting point for any couple should be to have an open and honest conversation about the things they desire sexually. Shame can chip away at the strongest of bonds. Introducing non-monogamy in some form or fashion can ensure that partners do not end up resenting each other.
  • Go slow with non-monogamy. There are degrees of openness in any open relationship. In fact, you do not have to invite a ‘third’ into your relationship to enjoy non-monogamy, suggests Vrangalova. “You can invite what I like to call the ‘shadow of the third’ into your relationship through shared fantasies, conversations, shared porn consumption, going to ‘play parties’ but maybe just watching, and trying out apps that specialize in non-monogamous connections.”
  • Put effort into your sex life. We need to invest energy into our sexual satisfaction. The risk of infidelity — or undisclosed non-monogamy — increases with time in any relationship. Having more conversations about sexual fantasies can help. “It’s easier to maintain sexual desire than bring it back from the dead,” says Vranglova.

“We are entering a time of greater honesty,” Vranglova concludes. “It’s just a matter of time before the facade of monogamy falls. But don’t think of it as the end of long-term relationships.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why are some women still hesitant to masturbate?

“Why would I want to want to be intimate with myself? It feels like I would be doing something inappropriate.”

By BELLA BLACKWELL

Growing up, masturbation was often considered a taboo topic, shrouded in shame and awkwardness. The connotations surrounding female sexual pleasure (which largely do not apply to men) have understandably led to some women’s reluctance to try their hand at masturbation – literally.  

Fortunately, it’s become more normalised in recent times. Largely due to the pandemic and long lockdowns, vibrators and sex toys soared in popularity, with self-pleasure becoming the new self-care.

Many women (both single and in relationships) masturbate regularly, but not everyone is on board. According to certified sex coach Georgia Grace, there is a range of reasons why this may be the case. She lists “limited sex ed, not even knowing it’s a thing or how to do it, [and] living in a space that doesn’t allow for the privacy they need” as deterrents for some women.

Particularly for younger girls, female pleasure is rarely discussed and certainly not encouraged. For Amy*, who hasn’t masturbated, the topic never crossed her mind – it wasn’t spoken about at school or amongst her friends. “It wasn’t something I thought about and I didn’t think I was missing out on anything,” she tells me. 

Emma*, who’s also never masturbated, agrees. She explains “it wasn’t really talked about at all growing up, so it wasn’t on my radar in the slightest. I feel like I just missed the boat”. Sexual shame is a big thing for lots of women, who have been conditioned to see masturbation as weird or abnormal.

“I cringe at it and find it so awkward and taboo, it freaks me out and makes me uncomfortable. Being alone and doing a sexual thing feels wrong, even though I know it’s not,” Amy* says. “Why would I want to want to be intimate with myself? It feels like I would be doing something inappropriate.”

When sexual pleasure involves another person, it can be hard to shift that mentality and delve into a solo session. For Sophie*, who is recently single, orgasms are overshadowed by thoughts of her ex-boyfriend, leaving her reluctant to masturbate. “I think it’s a combination of feeling really sad, so not feeling sexual, and having overpowering thoughts of associating sex to being with him and I’m not with him, so I’m not inclined to do it,” she says. 

Even though self-pleasure can be painted as uncommon, unnecessary, or even wrong, it actually provides benefits for your physical and mental health. You might’ve heard of the post-orgasm glow for our skin, but masturbation can do wonders for our minds, too. “Orgasm releases the feel-good neurochemicals dopamine and oxytocin… that improve your mood, create a natural high, [and] boost your satisfaction,” says Georgia. 

While those in relationships may see it as redundant, masturbation can also improve sex with a partner. It “helps you learn about your body and creates more awareness of what you like,” Georgia explains. But even with all these benefits, masturbation can sometimes seem daunting. If you’re ready to give it a go but still have no clue where to start, don’t stress.

Georgia suggests “take the goal out of masturbating”, as this can lead to a lot of frustration stemming from difficulty achieving an orgasm. It’s all about discovering what feels good for you and enjoying the process. 

Mindful masturbation practices can be a great way to start. “Place both hands on your body and ask yourself, ‘Where do I feel pleasure in my body?’ This feeling may be subtle or it may be obvious, whatever it is, be with it,” Georgia says. “Bring awareness to your body and continue this process of intending to feel for pleasure and scan your body as a whole. What do you notice?”

Masturbation is an opportunity to explore your body, so slow it down! “Take time to build arousal,” Georgia says. “Start with full body touch, lengthening your exhale, pouring lube on your body/genitals.” Then, move on to external stimulation. “With a full palm start stroking upwards, massaging your clit in circles, up and down, side to side, playing with pressure and speed,” Georgia tells me.

While clitoral arousal is great, you can also give internal stimulation a try. Many vulva owners will be familiar with the noble-yet-often-unsuccessful quest for the elusive internal orgasm. Try “using a ‘come here’ motion with your fingers or a toy to stimulate the G-spot,” she suggests.

It may take a second for vulva owners who are reluctant to masturbate to unlearn the shame they feel surrounding self-pleasure. But the key point to remember is no matter the method you choose, masturbation is totally normal, enjoyable, and healthy. Give it a go – you might like it.

*Names have been changed.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The No. 1 Reason Couples Stop Having Sex

It doesn’t have anything to do with physical attraction.

By Juliana LaBianca

There are so many reasons couples stop having sex, from loss of passion to busy schedules to medications that hinder intimacy. Once your sex life slows, it can be hard to get back on track. Days turn into weeks turn into months—and at a certain point, the situation might seem beyond repair. However, that doesn’t have to be the case. Ahead, therapists tell us the number one reason couples stop having sex, as well as what causes it and how you can strengthen your bond. By getting ahead of this sneaky relationship ruiner, you can keep your sex life strong for years to come.

This is why couples really stop having sex.

In many cases, a disconnect in the bedroom is caused by a disconnect in your overall relationship.

“It’s not for lack of physical desire, or that you find the person unattractive, or even that you want to sleep with someone else,” says David Tzall, PsyD, a licensed psychologist based in Brooklyn. “All those can certainly happen, but the [impetus] is that you no longer feel safe, comfortable, or connected with your partner.”

If you or your partner don’t feel that emotional security, it’s unlikely you’ll want to or be able to have a fulfilling sex life. But here’s what you should know so you can improve this part of your relationship.

Emotional distance builds over time.

Fortunately, an emotional disconnect doesn’t just pop up. If you pay close attention, you can usually stop it before it escalates. According to Tzall, emotional distance often occurs in couples that don’t communicate well.

“Slights and hurts build and grow into resentment,” he explains. “The couple speaks less and less and does not share their needs or desires, emotionally, mentally, and physically.”

Sometimes, not even the individuals in the relationship can identify the root issue. “The couple is usually unaware of the reasons and will blame themselves or their partner,” says Tzall. “If the blame is put on the partner, that might result in an affair or thinking about breaking up, which only serves to create more distance between the two.”

If the couple is still having sex at this point, it may not be as satisfying as it once was.

Other responsibilities can exacerbate emotional distance.

While a lack of communication can cause fissures that lead to emotional distance, other factors also contribute.

“Most of the couples I’ve encountered who complain about not having sex as often or at all seem to be couples that have gotten distracted by other consuming demands, like parenting, career, and illness, both mental and physical,” says Natalie Jimenez, EdS, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “The distraction, which may start gradually, grows more pervasive if not addressed in time and leads to emotional and physical disconnect, making it more difficult to become sexual.”

This is especially true for women, who tend to need an emotional connection to be sexual, Jimenez explains.

Clear communication can help you recover.

Just because you’re feeling disconnected in the bedroom now doesn’t mean you will forever.

“The best advice would be for the couple to speak about it openly,” says Tzall. “Some may see that as making the matter worse, but only through bringing it into the light, can it be examined and properly addressed.”

If discussing the issue makes you nervous, enlist the help of a couples counselor. “The couple will learn how to listen and speak to one another in an intentional manner without reacting or taking comments or behavior personally,” says Tzall. “When communication is poor between the couple, it is usually not for lack of quantity as much as quality. This means that both partners are not hearing the emotional subtext and desires and changes in their needs.”

By learning how to get on the same page, you’ll improve your communication now and throughout your relationship. That way, you can respond to issues—such as a lull in the bedroom—effectively and respectfully.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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When children ask about race and sex, we have no choice but to answer

by

These days, we are involved in a great debate about whether and when we should teach kids about race, gender and sex in our schools.

But here’s the thing: There is no way for teachers to avoid teaching about race and sexuality, even in early grades. The only question is how we do it. To illustrate, let me share a story.

When my daughter was 2, we were visiting my mother in Southern California. We went to the supermarket. My daughter rode in the cart as I pushed through the store collecting items. As we worked our way through the produce section, passing along the lettuces and greens, another Black American woman was shopping just ahead of me. She was a middle-aged woman, dressed simply and sensibly, going about her business in an altogether ordinary way. My daughter watched her, and then looked up at me and said, “Mommy, I think it’s not good to be Black.”

What did I say in the moment? I don’t exactly remember. But probably something like, “Black is beautiful, my love. That woman is beautiful.”

My daughter was a precocious talker, yes. She talked early, though she didn’t talk often. She has always been a quiet and hyperobservant child. One preschool teacher said, “Still waters run deep.” When she had things to say, she said them in complete sentences. And though I think she was 2, she might have been 3 or maybe 3½. It doesn’t really matter. The point is that children learn from the world, and the world provokes questions — and when children ask their questions, their elders teach back.

My daughter’s statement was a question. Its subtext went like this: “I’ve noticed something, Mommy. It seems like it’s not good to Black. But can that be right? You’re Black. I love you. How can these things fit together? And what does this mean for me?” In that moment, I needed to teach my daughter that it is good to be Black. I also needed to teach her that she was accurately observing something about the world — that Blackness is stigmatized. And I needed to give her the capacity to set the stigma apart from the reality.

When I was 7, my father had me read “Uncle Tom’s Cabin.” To many, “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” caricatures Black experience. For my father, it provides a clear statement about the moral agency and equality of Black people — a permanent and visible fact, even in the midst of stigma. In having me read that very long book, he was teaching me.

I was a precocious reader.

But that doesn’t really matter to the story, either. What I can assure you of is that even before any of our kids, of any racial or ethnic background, get to school, every Black family in the United States is having to teach its children about race and the history of enslavement and stories of overcoming that have played out generation after generation. The same must be true for kids raised in LGBTQ families, with regard to the history and contemporary experience of gender and sexuality. I’m sure every family is doing the teaching differently. Some talking, some reading. Some looking at pictures. Some singing songs. But all are teaching.

This means that the only way you can keep knowledge and questions about these histories, experiences and perspectives out of the school curriculum in early grades is to keep Black people or members of LGBTQ families out of schools.

To recognize that fundamental fact is as if to hear a ghost whisper a revelation from a deep and ugly past. The wandering and cold-breathed ghost whispers that our old history of segregation — our now legally abandoned practices — was at some deep and existential level simply a way of evading the truth. The truth of our history and how it has been marred by racial domination. The truth of our present and our continued struggles with race. The truth of our moral responsibility to one another as human beings facing a future together.

To say it again, there is no way for teachers to avoid teaching about race and sexuality. We cannot legislate against children’s questions.

Out of charity, I will assume that the various efforts by state legislators to control when and how teachers engage with these subjects comes from an effort to open a discussion not of whether to teach in response to the questions children have but rather about how to do this. This is a profoundly important topic. And I would agree that some ways are better than others. But I hope we can take this issue of how to teach the histories and presents of race and enslavement, of gender and sexuality, out of the political maelstrom and turn them into a real conversation about how to raise healthy, loving, responsible children with a strong sense of self-confidence, purpose and charity for others in their hearts.

We grown-ups don’t get to decide whether we teach about race, gender and sexuality.

Living in our world as they do, our children have already determined that we will so teach.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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France to Make Condoms Free for Young People

— The new policy, which will take effect in January, is part of an effort to counter an increase in sexually transmitted diseases in recent years.

French health authorities say that sexually transmitted infections have been on the rise as a result of a decline in the use of prevention methods.

By Constant Méheut

France will begin offering free condoms in pharmacies for people up to age 25 starting Jan. 1, in a bid to reduce the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, President Emmanuel Macron said on Friday.

“It’s a small revolution for prevention,” Mr. Macron said as he announced the news in a video message posted on Twitter.

The move comes as health authorities have observed an increase in sexually transmitted infections, such as chlamydia and gonorrhea, in recent years. But it is also part of a broader public health campaign that has led France to expand free access to contraception and screening for sexually transmitted diseases.

Mr. Macron said that “regarding sexual health” of young people, “we have a real issue,” according to reports from French news outlets present at the debate. And he acknowledged that, when it comes to sex education, “We’re not good on this topic.”

The French president had initially announced on Thursday, during a health debate with young people, that the measure would only apply to people ages 18 to 25. But on Friday — after several people and activists called him out on the fact that minors, too, were at risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases — Mr. Macron announced that he was extending the policy to underage people.

“Let’s do it!” Mr. Macron, who by the evening had traveled to Alicante, Spain, for a European summit, said in the video message.

Since 2018, people have been able to get the cost of condoms reimbursed by the national health system if they were purchased in a pharmacy with a prescription. But the measure is not well known to young French people. And more than a quarter of them say they “never” or “not always” use condoms during sexual intercourse with a new partner, according to a study released last year by HEYME, a student health insurance company.

“Condom use is very low, especially among young people,” said Catherine Fohet, a gynecologist and top member of the National Federation of Institutes of Medical Gynecology. She said the price of condoms can be prohibitive but also pointed to their “bad image” as devices that reduce tactile sensation.

French health authorities say that sexually transmitted infections, or S.T.I.s, have been on the rise in recent years, especially among young people, as a result of a decline in the use of prevention methods.

Recently released figures show that the number of people infected with chlamydia rose last year by 15 percent compared with 2020, and more than doubled compared with 2014, based on data from screenings at private health centers.

Meanwhile, gonorrhea infections have been growing since 2016, and H.I.V. infections, which condom use had helped curb in the 1980s and 1990s, have stagnated around 5,000 from 2020 to 2021.

“There’s an explosion of S.T.I.s,” said Jérôme André, the director of HF Prévention, an association that organizes screenings among university students. He added that in some universities of the Paris region, the rate of S.T.I.s reached 40 to 60 percent of those tested.

“We end up testing tons of people who should not be infected,” Mr. André said.

Mr. Macron said in a message posted on Twitter following his announcement that other health measures would be implemented as part of a recently passed health care law. They include free emergency contraception for all women in pharmacies and free testing for sexually transmitted infections without a prescription, except H.I.V., for people under 26.

Ms. Fohet welcomed Thursday’s announcement, but she said free condoms “won’t solve everything.” She added that “education and information” were key to convincing people to use protection during sexual intercourse.

Mr. Macron acknowledged on Thursday that France needed “to train our teachers much better on this topic, we need to raise awareness.”

Earlier this year, the French government made contraception free for all women up to age 25. The move was welcomed by the country’s National Council of the Order of Midwives, which said in a statement that it should be accompanied by better sexual education for all teenagers ages 15 to 18.

“Handing out condoms is good,” Mr. André said. “But when people are already infected, it’s too late.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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You Should Be Using More Lube

Forget what you’ve heard—sexual lubricants are a nightstand essential.

By Jaina Grey

I love lube. To me, having sex without lube is like brushing your teeth with a dry toothbrush. It might get the job done, but the result is … sticky, kind of painful, and doesn’t leave you feeling refreshed. Lube is not an optional luxury that sits in the bedside drawer waiting for the “right moment.” Whether you are spending some intimate time with yourself, a partner, or many partners, an intimate lubricant should be involved.

No bedroom is complete without at least one or two varieties on hand, especially if you’re planning to use sex toys. (You should be using sex toys, but that’s another story.) As far as I’m concerned, lube is as essential for sex as condoms and clean hands. If I show up at someone’s house for a good time and there isn’t lube waiting on the nightstand, I’m heading out the door.

No Lube, No Boob

I was surprised to learn that not everyone is with me on this. In the (albeit mostly queer and Pacific Northwestern) bedrooms I’ve been in, lube has been as common as bedsheets and tarot cards. If you haven’t tried lube before, or if you have some reservations, that’s probably not your fault. There are powerful forces working to convince you that you should be out there raw-dogging it. Dark forces, gathering in the night, who seek only to chafe your genitals.

One of these malicious creatures is misogyny—it tells us that using an intimate lubricant is somehow a failing; that needing it for sex is a failure on your part or your partner’s. It whispers: How dare you not get wetter; there must be something wrong with your body.

Another monster under the bed is machismo. It tells us that using lube means you’re a bad lover and that you’ve failed to get your partner excited. It’s all nonsense. There is nothing wrong with your body. There’s nothing wrong with your technique. Sometimes bodies don’t do what we want them to and, surprise, surprise, sometimes genitals don’t behave in the way that movies, TV, books, and porn tell us they should.

Pleasure Is Not the Enemy

What’s disheartening is that these attitudes continue to shape not only a popular opinion but medical research into sexual health. Most of the studies I looked into while researching this story focused on intimate lubricants focus on curing a problem. I found only one or two that even mention sexual pleasure, and one of those is a study about how few articles about sexual health mention sexual pleasure. It’s 2022, can we please quit pretending that people shouldn’t enjoy getting off? Or that sexual pleasure isn’t important? Because it is. Put that Plymouth-Rock-Puritanical-Hester-Prynne nonsense in the rearview.

Maude Shine Organic Water-Based Lube

Anyone who has ever touched themselves knows that having a little extra something (saliva, naturally occurring moisture, etc) makes it feel better. And feeling good is the whole point! Water-based or silicone-based lubes made from high-quality ingredients can be like rocket fuel for your sexual pleasure.

Not only do they prevent chafing (and microscopic tears) on the most sensitive parts of your body, but they make things feel so much better. Lube is like sexual MSG. It makes everything better, and some people are weirdly afraid of it.

Let’s Get Down to Business

OK, so where do you start? Easy peasy: Order yourself a bottle of any unscented, unflavored, glycerin-free, water-based lube. You don’t want any scent, because when you’re in the thick of it, it’s going to make things smell weird. (It’s the same deal with flavored lubes.) Ideally, you want lubes that have as few ingredients as possible. Keep it simple.

Dame Alu Water-Based Lube

Brands like Sliquid fit the bill and feel great to use on any genitals, plus they’re inexpensive. In my experience, they can leave you feeling a little sticky afterward. For a more premium lube, I’d point you to ones from Maude or Dame. These lubes meet the above criteria but leave a nice clean finish and last a little longer when you’re using them.

The other major kind of lube you’ll encounter is silicone-based. These lubes are oil-based, meaning they last a lot longer than water-based lubes, as your body won’t absorb them as quickly; it makes them the most common choice for anal play and anal sex. However, they can interfere with vaginal flora, so it’s generally not advised to use them for vaginal play or vaginal sex.

There is also one other big caveat with silicone-based lubes: You can’t use them with silicone sex toys. Silicone lube can make silicone toys degrade over time. If you use silicone lube with a silicone toy, make sure you use a condom. My favorites here are from the same brands as above:Sliquid and Maude.

Other than that, my only remaining advice is this: Play! Play with yourself. Get a lube, set aside some time, grab a favorite toy, and go ham. The only way to learn how to use lubes is to use them, and the best way to practice is with yourself. Learn how well they apply, how much you like to use, and where the best place to store them is. Sex should be easy, be friction-free, and feel great—and a good lube will help with all three

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Outercourse the Same Thing as Abstinence?

— And 5 Other Questions, Answered

By Maisha Johnson

What is it?

Outercourse is an option for sexual activity without intercourse. When you get down to the details, that means different things to different people.

For some, it’s everything except penis-in-vagina (PIV) penetration. For others, outercourse means no penetration of any kind, including fingers, sex toys, and anal sex.

Some choose outercourse as a safe sex alternative. They put boundaries around any activity that can cause pregnancy or transmit sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Your personal definition of outercourse may depend on your reasons for trying it.

Intrigued? Read on to learn more about how it works and what this might mean for you.

Is it the same thing as abstinence?

It might!
Like outercourse, being abstinent can have different meanings, depending on who you ask.

Some people practice abstinence because they’re not yet ready for sexual activity. For them, being abstinent may mean no outercourse.

For others, the definitions of abstinence and outercourse can overlap.

If you think of sex as any type of penetration, for example, then sticking to sexual acts without penetration can count as abstinence.

What counts as outercourse?

Since the definition of outercourse varies, the activities that count as outercourse all depend on who’s practicing it.

Outercourse might include any of the following:

Kissing

Don’t underestimate the power of a kiss. Making out can be a great way to build intimacy. Kissing different parts of the body can help you and your partner discover what turns you on.

Massage

Getting your massage on can be super sexy in the right circumstances. Set the scene with some candles or mood lighting, and use lubrication like hot or scented oils. Share intimate details with your partner about where you both like to get rubbed down.

Dry humping

That’s a term you might not have heard in a while. But dry humping isn’t just for teenagers. Grinding your body against your partner’s can be pleasurable at any age. You can even see how you like different positions, clothing materials, and role play for different types of pleasure.

Mutual masturbation (in some definitions)

Who knows how you like to be touched better than yourself? Masturbation doesn’t have to be a solo activity. You and your partner can masturbate together while kissing, cuddling, and showing each other what feels good.

Sex toys (in some definitions)

There’s a whole world of sex toys out there just waiting to be explored, and there’s a good chance you can find one for the type of stimulation you’re looking for.

For example, if you want genital stimulation without penetration, vibrators can target the clitoris or the head of the penis for an arousing time.

Manual stimulation (in some definitions)

You and your partner can take turns pleasuring each other with hand jobs or fingering, or pleasure each other at the same time.

Here’s one way to keep things exciting: Try various types of lubricants, like warming and cooling lubes, to see how you like different sensations along with your hand and finger play.

Oral sex (in some definitions)

Blow jobs, cunnilingus, rimming: There are many options for using your mouth on your partner’s genitals and other pleasure zones. And when your partner’s mouth is giving you oral sex, let them know what you’d like more and less of.

Anal sex (in some definitions)

Anal sex can be enjoyable for people of all genders and can involve a penis or sex toys. Your ideal sex toys for anal penetration might be different from the ones you like for other body parts, so anal play can be a chance to try out new toys.

Is pregnancy possible?

No intercourse, no pregnancy, right? At least, that’s usually the idea if intercourse would mean PIV penetration.

It’s true that the chances of pregnancy from outercourse are pretty slim, but it isn’t impossible.

Pregnancy can happen if fluids get in the vagina, like by accidentally dripping semen on the vulva or by fingering the vagina after touching semen.

Washing hands after handling ejaculate or pre-ejaculate can help, as well as being careful about where semen ends up anytime it’s involved in your outercourse.

Another case that could result in pregnancy? Deciding in the moment that you want to have intercourse after all.

If you’re ready for it, and both you and your partner are in agreement, there’s no reason to beat yourself up about it.

But unprotected PIV sex can get you or your partner pregnant, even if it only happens once.

Just in case this happens, it’s helpful to keep protection like condoms on hand or to be on birth control.

Are STIs possible?

Contracting STIs is also possible in some cases.

Anytime your outercourse includes genital contact or sexual fluids (like semen and vaginal wetness), there’s a risk of STIs.

For example, if you dry hump naked or with only underwear, the skin-to-skin contact can transfer bodily fluids even without penetration.

Oral sex, anal sex, and sharing sex toys can also pass STIs.

To reduce your risk, use protection like dental dams and condoms. Get tested regularly if you’re doing anything that might put you at risk for STIs.

What’s the point?

Still wondering why outercourse is worth it when you could be having “real sex” instead?

Well, don’t knock it just yet. There are many situations where outercourse might be a great option.

Anyone can practice outercourse, no matter your gender, sexual orientation, or whether or not you’ve had intercourse before.

Here are some reasons a person might be interested in outercourse:

  • You don’t have protection, like if you forgot to bring condoms or take your birth control.
  • One partner doesn’t want to be penetrated or penetrate due to not feeling ready, a painful health condition, trauma, or body dysphoria.
  • You’re tracking fertility and want to avoid the risk of pregnancy on days when one partner is more likely to get pregnant.
  • You want to avoid having sex during your period or your partner’s period.
  • One partner is having a condition flare up or not feeling up for intercourse.
  • You want to understand your own body more.
  • You want to practice and learn how to ask for what you want, or learn more about your partner’s likes and dislikes.
  • You or your partner aren’t interested or ready yet for sex.
  • You’ve tried intercourse and decided you need more time before you’re ready for more.
  • You want to mix things up and try something sexual that’s not intercourse.
  • You’d like to learn how to get the most out of your foreplay leading up to intercourse.

The bottom line

It’s easy to get trapped into thinking that sex means one course of action: foreplay, penetration, and orgasm.

But there are many ways to enjoy sexual pleasure. Lots of people have body types, desires, and needs that go beyond traditional ideas of intercourse.

Exploring the options outside of intercourse has proven to increase sexual pleasure, even for people who practice intercourse, too.

Regardless of your reasons for practicing it, outercourse is a fun way to try new things, focus on different pleasures, and explore what sensuality really means to you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Unraveling the Mystery of “Male Menopause”

Is andropause a real thing? Or just a buzzy invention of masculine media?

Women lose estrogen. Men lose testosterone. It’s a simple comparison…right?

By Josh Sims

The thing about getting older is that it’s hard to know whether the symptoms that come with it are normal or require medical attention. Tiredness, brain fog, mood swings, loss of libido, erectile dysfunction, weight gain, and muscle loss all have arrive with degrees of subjectivity. Maybe they’re par for the course of middle-age. Maybe you feel like you’ve entirely lost your mojo. Or maybe they’re symptomatic of the andropause.

That’s not a term that Dr. Robert Stevens of London’s Men’s Health Clinic much likes. Sure, it’s a catchy media concoction, suggesting the male counterpart to female menopause. That said, he stresses, the menopause is a defined biological event — the slowing and then cessation of periods, with accompanying hormonal flat-lining — whereas the andropause, sometimes dubbed the “manopause,” is much less clear, and, in a way, much more complex. 

Indeed, many in the medical world argue that there’s no such thing at all. “Endocrinologists don’t like the vagueness of it. They want to find a definitive pathology and can’t,” says Stevens. The whole idea has only been on the medical radar for a decade or so — on the medicinal timeline, that’s not very long at all.

Still, this is a collection of symptoms that many men, typically in their 40s and 50s, regularly experience. And often, though not always, testosterone replacement therapy (TRT) does provide relief. Hit that age group and testosterone levels in men start to drop away, albeit very gently.

Unlike the rapid shutdown of estrogen production that ushers in female menopause, men typically see only a 2% testosterone decline per year over their thirties and beyond. Whatever physical or biochemical symptoms this process heralds will likely be spread out over many years and affect men over a much broader age range (relative to menopausal women). In some cases, it may fail to arrive at all.

“The main thing is coming to some conclusion in yourself as to whether the way you feel is a product of ageing, which arguably you just have to accept, or whether it’s in some way properly and negatively affecting your quality of life and you should do something about it,” suggests Dr. Chris Airey, medical director of the Optimale men’s health clinic. “The whole subject [of ‘the male menopause’] is complicated and even the terminology is woolly. I’ve never had a patient come to me and say ‘I think I’m going through the andropause’.

“But what is clear is that as men age some will complain of a common set of symptoms,” Airey adds. “We might investigate those to determine if that’s because there is an underlying cause or, well, because that’s just what getting older is like. But we have to be mindful of the fact that, as awareness of testosterone deficiency grows, we also sometimes see men with very normal testosterone levels who are nonetheless convinced the problem is their testosterone levels.”

Clinical resistance to TRT is often influenced by common misconceptions of testosterone. Rather than being seen as the primary sex hormone — found in men and women alike, and stable levels of which are necessary for normal physiological function — its injection is, Stevens says, too often conflated with anabolic steroid abuse “and the idea that there are men who just want to look good with their tops off.”

Plus, while the role of testosterone is incredibly important, “it’s not well-taught in medical school, because it’s not well-understood,” he says. All told, you have a perfect storm of a lot of men feeling bad but unable to work out why, some of them jumping to the wrong conclusions, too many clinicians biased towards an overenthusiastic prescribing of testosterone, and some not keen on it at all.

Testosterone isn’t even mostly about sex, interest in sex, or your ability to get it up (all things that, inevitably, cause most men acute embarrassment and further stop them seeking medical advice). Indeed, testosterone’s decline is also linked to muscle atrophy, reduced bone density and a susceptibility to depression; and there’s an inverse correlation with obesity and mortality from heart failure — the less testosterone you have, the more prone you are to both issues. Not for nothing, then, some experts dub the ‘male menopause’ as something more akin to Testosterone Deficiency Syndrome.

But that only account for part of the hormonal story. Current understanding suggests that subtle shifts in testosterone levels are more part of a broader package of metabolic changes in various key hormone levels — prolactin, gonadotropin, DHEA and others you’ve likely never heard of — with consequences similar to those experienced by menopausal women. So where does that leave you?

Let’s be clear: lifestyle is a major part of this. The major part. “You can’t get around lifestyle. Testosterone is no substitute for those things you need to be doing, anyway,” as Airey puts it.

If you head to to a doctor, seeking TRT as some silver bullet to solve this higgledy-piggledy set of symptoms — some of which are debilitating, others are just irritating — the first thing they’ll do is assess how you live, and ask you to make necessary corrections. Are you sleeping enough? Are you eating well? Do you smoke or drink too much? Do you get enough exercise? Do you do anything to mitigate stress?

You should, at a minimum, be taking good, regular, long walks. You might train gently but regularly with weights. Eat a low-carb, high protein diet. Get a good eight hours sleep every night. Address the stress in your life rather than normalizing it. But if you do all this, and your way of life is largely health positive, yet you still feel like crap, then the next step is blood screening; you’ll definitely want to assess testosterone levels. But they’ll check for adrenal and thyroid dysfunction too. Both are also more common in middle-age. TRT is the end of the road, after all, not the start of it.

And for good reason: it’s expensive. Prices vary, but we’re typically talking at least a few hundreds dollars per month; and unsurprisingly, those who recommend this treatment profit from it. Working out a patient’s ideal level of testosterone for their physiology is hard: their normal operating level may be atypically high or low…who knows? And once you’re on TRT, your body’s own testosterone production shuts down — sometimes that’s for good, making TRT a crutch, not a cure, while sometimes (if you’re on TRT for a limited period), it might allow the the patient to return to their pre-TRT levels.

That’s why Stevens’ clinic adopts an approach based more on testosterone micro-dosing and frequent monitoring, an idea worth pursuing with your own physician if it comes to it. Prescription levels of testosterone vary wildly country to country, which is testament to the idea that there’s a lot of guesswork going on here.

Is more research required? Definitely. We still have miles to go in fully understanding menopause…so unpicking the andropause has barely begun. That’s a problem for those men in middle-age who feel deeply out of sorts in ways they can’t quite understand or mitigate or name.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Don’t believe the myth it’s more difficult to satisfy women

The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax when flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes.

By Kathy Lette

So, girls, what would you like for Christmas? I’m sure I speak for most women when I say that top of my wish list is … for all my Christmases to come at once. As if unequal pay isn’t enough to make females fume, apparently we are also suffering a pleasure gap. According to American Professor Elisabeth Lloyd’s analysis of 33 studies on sexuality, three-quarters of females don’t achieve regular vaginal orgasm. Women are also only having one orgasm for every three racked up by blokes.

And don’t believe the myth that it’s more difficult to satisfy women. The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax when flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes. The only women achieving the same Big O rate as men are lesbians. Obviously this is because women do not think that the clitoris is a beach in Crete and appreciate its function as the only part of human anatomy that exists purely for pleasure.

Women also understand that it’s impossible to have Academy Award-winning orgasms without an erotic warm-up. There’s so much emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay? Let’s face it, some blokes can fake a whole damn relationship!

And yet, while research reveals that the average woman requires at least 10 minutes of foreplay, most heterosexual encounters last between three and seven minutes. You don’t have to be Einstein to work out that this amatory calculation can’t add up.

I do all my own research in a detailed, scientific fashion – over cocktails with girlfriends – and what I’ve gleaned is that if a partner does attempt a little half-hearted foreplay, he invariably prods away at the clitoris as though it’s an elevator button and he’s running late for a meeting. It is then a woman is tempted to roll her eyes and grumble, “Just take the stairs.”

Without doubt, what hubbies call a “quickie”, most women would dismiss as premature ejaculation. Do you know the difference between a husband and a toy boy? About three hours.

Of course, mums go off sex because they’re exhausted. If men did more housework, women would have energy for other things. Oh, the orgasmic joy of being made love to by a man who has just vacuumed your entire house!

Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. And yet the female orgasm remains more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump. But new in-depth research (literally) has just discovered that there are three orgasmic varieties on erotic offer for us gals: a “wave”, a “volcano” or an “avalanche”.

James Pfaus, professor of neuroscience at Prague’s Charles University, explains that the names refer to pelvic floor movements during the build-up to orgasm and the release. Apparently, when the female volunteers climaxed, special sensors on their Bluetooth-connected vibrators predominantly showed one of three muscle patterns: wave-like undulations along the lower pelvic floor; an avalanche of contractions from the higher area; or a volcano eruption of exploding tension.

Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. And yet the female orgasm remains more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump.

For the study, 54 women were instructed to self-stimulate and then turn the vibrator off for two minutes after reaching orgasm. This exercise was then repeated over several days in their own homes, which must rate as the best homework assignment ever. (I doubt there’s been digital action like this since Proust wrote all seven volumes, longhand. Perhaps an unexpected upside was the wearing off of fingerprints, meaning they can now also commit the perfect crime?)

Anyway, to conclude this “Kama Sutra For One” experience, the volunteers were also asked to perform a control test in which they inserted the vibrator but did not stimulate themselves. Data was then analysed to reveal that nearly 50 per cent (26 women) enjoyed wave orgasms, while 17 relished avalanches and 11 delighted in volcanoes.

So boys, it’s basically now up to you to do your horizontal homework. Put in enough dedicated practice and your female partner will soon be so pleasured that when she cries out, you won’t be sure whether it’s an orgasm or a demonic possession. Should you share a post-coital cigarette or call an exorcist?

In short, if a woman is happy in bed, she’s going to want to spend a hell of a lot more time in it, with you. And it will be Oh, OH! OHHHH! What a feeling! So here’s to an intensely satisfying holiday season with a very, very happy ending.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Outing?

by Kristen Fischer

Telling someone else (or others) about a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity without their approval is also called “outing.” In some cases, it’s not done to harm the person; in other situations, the person sharing the information does so to retaliate or to shame the other person.They may even do it to prevent someone from excelling at work. Whatever the reason, outing someone is a violation of their privacy. And it can have serious effects on their health and well-being.

Outing is different from “coming out.” When a person comes out, they choose who to tell about their sexual orientation or gender identity. When a person who identifies as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer or questioning (LGBTQ) is “outed,” they lose their power to tell others; it’s done for them, against their will.

There can be benefits to coming out – when a person does so willingly. In that case, it can support their mental health (and even lower cortisol , a hormone that affects your body – especially how it responds to stress). But when someone does it without their consent, it can have opposite effects on their mental health and health overall.

How Can Being Outed Harm My Health?

Telling others about someone’s sexual orientation or gender identity may not seem like a big deal, especially if the person has told others about it. But it still violates their privacy. It can have effects on their health and may affect their schooling or professional life.

Outing doesn’t just harm LGBTQ youths; it can affect a person at any age. Outing can affect these things related to your health:

Mental health. Sexual minorities have a greater risk of mental health issues. One thing that may impair mental health is a violation of privacy – as is the case when a person is outed. It can trigger a person to engage in unhealthy behaviors, or lead to issues like anxiety and depression. Not everyone gets help for these issues. One survey found that 48% of LGBTQ youths ages 13 to 24 wanted counseling but didn’t get it.

Suicide. In some cases, being outed has caused people to kill themselves. LGBTQ youths have a greater risk for suicidality. Transgender youths, specifically, are twice as likely to think about suicide or attempt it, compared to cisgender lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, and questioning youths.

Homelessness. Whether you come out or are outed, you may be at risk for homelessness – and that can impact your physical and mental health. You can become homeless as a result of being outed if the people you live with reject you after hearing about your orientation or identity. Some parents or caretakers force LGBTQ youths out of their homes after hearing they are sexual minorities – whether from the child or others. This is the case for many young LGBTQ people, who have a 120% higher risk of some form of homelessness. About 28% of LGBTQ youths (ages 13 to 24) dealt with homelessness or housing instability during their lives. These can raise your chances for having to deal with mental health issues, compared to people who have a stable living situation.Substance abuse. Sexual minorities have higher rates of substance misuse and substance use disorders, compared to heterosexual people.

Violence. Bisexual men and women, lesbians, gay men, and transgender people are all at higher risks for violence and injury from violence, compared to others. LGBTQ people are more prone to this, compared to cisgender people. Whether it’s between partners or strangers, violence can still harm your health.

Disease and obesity. LGBT youths are at a higher risk for sexually transmitted diseases, cardiovascular disease, obesity, and cancer. So are LGBTQ adults. Being outed, or the fear of it, could be one reason that sexual minorities don’t seek out care or treatment, or disclose their orientation or identity to providers out of fear of stigma, ridicule, or because they’re afraid their personal information could be shared outside of the doctor/patient relationship.

How Can I Avoid Outing Someone?

The best way is not to say anything about a person’s gender identity or sexual orientation.

If you do out someone accidentally or unknowingly (like misusing their pronouns), you may want to apologize or discuss it with the other person openly. They may be hurt or angry. If you don’t say anything, it could be even more hurtful. Their identity is their story to tell, and you should respect their feelings.

What Should I Do if I’m Outed?

You may feel like you have no options if someone shares your personal information without your consent. But these tips may be able to support you through the situation.

Scope out resources. If you think you may be without a place to live because you’ve been outed, try to gather what you need to live elsewhere – at least for a while. Pack a bag with medications, clothing, and extra funds if you think you will be removed from your home. While this type of preparation may make you feel anxious, it may also provide you with some peace of mind that you’re prepared for the worst. A local LGBTQ organization or center may be able to connect you with resources.

Know the laws. Schools can’t share a student’s sexual orientation or gender identity to their parents or other staff – even if you’re a student who has told others at school. Companies can’t discriminate against you based on your sexual orientation or gender identity, according to the federal Title VII law. Title VII doesn’t apply to LGBTQ students, but many lower courts have addressed those rights.

Title VII only applies to organizations with more than 15 workers. LGBTQ people still face tough choices to come out (or can feel forced to come out) at work or fear being outed. You may want to see if your company has a policy in place to protect you. Being aware of the legal actions you can take can’t prevent outing, but it can empower you to take action if you’ve been outed.

Connect. Going through being outed can be isolating, especially if you haven’t told anyone else about your sexual orientation or gender identity. But there are some resources that may give you support. The Trevor Project has a hotline and an online community. Your school may have resources to assist you with being outed (or coming out).

Think about how you want to respond. It may not seem like it, but you do have power, even if someone violated your rights. How you react can enable you to make positive changes at school or work, and position you to inspire others.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The 8 Biggest Secrets Sex Therapists Wish Couples Knew

Those red flags in the bedroom might not be as troubling as you think.

By Dana Schulz

Talking about sex, especially to a stranger, is not something that comes naturally to a lot of people. It can bring up feelings of embarrassment, shame, or inadequacy—all of which is why even couples who seek out a sex therapist can skirt around the issue. This leads to a lot of misconceptions about intimacy, from thinking that having less sex means your partner is cheating to believing that sex toys are only for couples with major issues. That’s why we spoke to sex therapists to learn the biggest secrets they wish couples knew. Read on for expert advice that might change your whole outlook in the bedroom.

1 A change in frequency is normal… and chemical!

For many couples, one of the most worrisome signs in the bedroom is when they stop having as much sex. But if you’ve been together for a long time, this might not be quite the red flag you think it is.

“Understanding that desire changes, ebbs, and flows throughout life is normal,” says Gigi Engle, ACS, resident intimacy expert at 3Fun and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life. “We need to work with it, not have unrealistic expectations.”

According to Engle, there is something called New Relationship Energy (NRE), which is that intoxicating feeling of lust when we first meet someone new. “We are majorly all over each other because our brains are awash in feel-good hormones like oxytocin and dopamine,” she says. “That’s why we feel so sexually aroused and horny all the time in new relationships—we don’t need as much of all the other situational factors.”

However, once we settle into a more comfortable and familiar pattern, “the love hormone or cuddle chemical oxytocin” decreases, according to Tatyana Dyachenko, sexual and relationship therapist at Peaches & Screams. She advises long-term couples to try something new in the bedroom to spike these chemicals.

2 Women get bored more often than men do.

Society tends to depict men as more likely to cheat and as having a larger sexual appetite. But according to Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, sex and relationship expert at Luvbites, “research has found that women get bored of sex with their partner a lot faster than men.”

One such study that corroborates this was published in 2017 in the British Medical Journal. It found that women were twice as likely as men to lose interest in sex after a year of being together or while living with their partner.

Likewise, a 2012 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy concluded that “women’s sexual desire was significantly and negatively predicted by relationship duration,” whereas that was not the case for men.

Suwinyattichaiporn says it’s important to understand this so partners of women can prioritize “passion, excitement, playfulness, and variety.”

3 Sometimes there is a lack of attraction.

This is a hard truth, but sometimes couples find themselves not having sex because one person has stopped finding the other attractive. “Many long-term couples don’t find their partner attractive and lose sexual interest in them,” says Suwinyattichaiporn.

That doesn’t just mean physical attraction. If you’ve grown grumpy or no longer enjoy discussing the topics you used to, these could also hinder your partner’s desire. “The advice is rather simple, take care of yourself physically, mentally, and intellectually,” says Suwinyattichaiporn.

It’s also important to note that women may find their partner less attractive during certain times of their menstrual cycle, according to a 2020 study published in Biological Psychology.

“Women’s hormone levels change across their ovulatory cycles, and these changes are likely to affect their psychology and, perhaps, the way they feel toward their romantic partner,” study author Francesca Righetti, an associate professor at the Department of Experimental and Applied Psychology at the VU Amsterdam, told PsyPost. “We found that the hormone that peaks just prior to ovulation, estradiol, was associated with more negative partner evaluation.”

4 Sex is more than penetration and/or an orgasm.

There are so many ways to be intimate with your partner, many of which don’t include penetration and don’t have to end in an orgasm.

“Anytime we hug, kiss, rub, squeeze, and nuzzle into a romantic partner, there is an intimate charge,” explains Engle. “This doesn’t involve the touching of genitals but is intimately based in that it allows us to meet the needs of sex like feeling desired, expressing desire, and connecting in a way unique to us as sexual partners.”

Realizing and appreciating this can take a lot of the pressure off couples who are struggling in the bedroom. “When we feel like every hug, kiss, and nuzzle is going to need to be followed up with sex, we start to avoid it. Allowing it to take root back in your relationship can be the balm that heals it,” Engle adds.

5 Sex toys don’t mean there’s a problem.

Sex therapists find that oftentimes their clients equate sex toys with a problem in their sexual intimacy. But that is not the case.

“Even couples who have great sex integrate sex toys into their sexual routine for new stimulations and deeper orgasms,” explains Dyachenko.

According to Engle, staying curious and trying new things is, in fact, one of the best ways to recreate some of that NRE energy. “Rekindled relationship energy is important because it encourages the new couple to spend time together and get to know each other,” she says. “It is the time where trust is built and the foundations of the relationships are established.”

6 Infidelity can strengthen a relationship.

Cheating is usually considered the most unforgivable offense in a relationship, but according to Lee Phillips, LCSW, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist, with the correct guidance, infidelity can actually strengthen a partnership.

“People usually do not wake up, and say, ‘I am going to cheat on my partner today.’ Usually, there is an emotional disconnection that has led to resentment causing this ultimate betrayal,” explains Phillips. “Couples can learn to identify why the infidelity occurred and heal from it by identifying a ‘new normal’ of their relationship … This is something that could have been missing for years.”

To work through an issue as complex as infidelity, it’s advisable to see a couple’s counselor.

7 Communication is key.

It might sound obvious, but sex therapists find that so many of their clients lose sight of how important it is to communicate about sex.

“There is this idea that when a couple has sex, they just do it. However, sex is about pleasure, and it is important to talk about what sex and pleasure mean to the both of you,” advises Phillips. She notes that in many cases, couples will discuss sex at the beginning of a relationship but not as time goes on. And, as we know, sexual desires and libidos change over time.

Nicole Schafer, LPC, a sex and relationship coach, adds that communication can itself be sexy. “Learn to take things slowly and draw it out. Take your time, focusing on the details of each other while communicating with your partner about what you like and don’t like, or what they love or wish you would do,” she suggests. “The build-up and attention to detail will make your time together phenomenal.”

8 Setting boundaries can help.

It’s important to remember that both you and your partner should never have to feel uncomfortable with sex.

“Boundaries can be healthy, and they are a way of showing respect to your partner,” says Phillips. “Here are some examples of boundaries: I know that you are feeling sexual, but I am just not in the mood, can we try this weekend? I am not a mind reader; can you please tell me what you are thinking? I am still thinking about what you said the other night, I need more time to think about it.”

Being open will help you both relax and be more receptive to intimacy.

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Sex After 50

— Don’t Lose That Lovin’ Feeling


Connection, communication and self-acceptance keep intimacy alive

By Lisa B. Samalonis

Although advancing age can pose some challenges to a healthy sex life, with a shift in perspective, intimacy can still be satisfying, good for your health and overall fun.
Frequently discussed obstacles include:

  • Vaginal dryness/atrophy.
  • Erectile dysfunction.
  • Lost libido.
  • More extended refractory periods.
  • Sexually transmitted infections.
  • The emotional toll of disappointing encounters and disconnection.

However, the future does not have to be bleak. “We all need to acknowledge that sex after fifty (like pretty much anything with our bodies) isn’t the same as when we were twenty,” said Karyn Eilber, MD, a board-certified urologist and associate professor of urology and obstetrics and gynecology at Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles.

With age comes experience. “Middle age also brings wisdom and confidence in our lives, so why not take that wisdom and confidence to the bedroom?” she suggests. Noting that with some education and normalization of the discussion of sexual health, women and their partners can benefit.

For example, women can discuss hormone replacement therapy with their doctor if they are experiencing menopause-related issues. Incontinence and prolapse can also affect a woman’s sex life after 50.

Also, pelvic floor physical therapy for a more robust pelvic floor may improve incontinence, prolapse, and sexual function.

Vital Connection

Emotional connectivity is central to long-term well-being and satisfaction. Previous studies show that loneliness, or feeling alone regardless of the amount of social contact and touch starvation (when a person has little to no physical contact for a prolonged time), might contribute to chronic disease.

“Chronological age does not define me.”

These include depression and anxiety, as well as an increase in stress, cortisol and infection, poor quality of sleep, and digestive issues.

According to Daniel Boyer, MD, of Farr Institute in Des Moines, Iowa, maintaining a closer relationship can help improve mental and physical health and increase creativity, productivity and social interaction.

Intimacy can also provide a sense of security, help build strong relationships and deepen connections with others.

Shifting Your Mindset

Confronting myths and misconceptions about sex in middle age — such as “people age out of sex,” “it is unsatisfying,” “desire is not existent as we age,” or “older bodies are unattractive” — leads to enhanced intimacy.

The issue of unconscious ageism is often a critical factor that affects sexuality and sexual intimacy, said Carla Marie Manly, PhD., a clinical psychologist and author of “Aging Joyfully.”

“While we can often get support from medical practitioners to help with underlying physical changes, the psychological elements that affect sexuality and a sense of self are often overlooked,” Manly said.

She also noted that people in their 50s can enjoy the best sex by letting go of stereotypes and exploring the beauty of more mature sexuality.

Becoming aware of often-unconscious self-ageism is the first step. Then age-negative thoughts, such as “younger women/men are more desirable” or “I am fat and past my prime,” can be addressed and transformed into a more age-positive attitude.

Phrases like “chronological age does not define me,” “I am glad to be able to contribute my energy to my community,” or “I enjoy giving and sharing with those I love” are a few examples. In addition, practicing a mantra, such as “I am a valuable, passionate, resilient person” or “I love who I am,” is helpful.

Another common misconception is that libido fades or ends as we get older so that in the late adulthood stage of life, individuals no longer have sexual desire, explained cognitive behavioral coachRobin Buckley, PhD.

Evaluating the relationship with their partner and the relationship with themselves are two things people can do to get to their version of ideal sexual desire.

“This is inaccurate and becomes part of how society dehumanizes older individuals. Yes, libido can vary with age and biological changes, but it doesn’t mean it is the end of our sexual desire. It might take different strategies to encourage and sustain the libido, but it is possible to have a strong libido throughout life.”

Evaluating the relationship with their partner and the relationship with themselves are two things people can do to get to their version of ideal sexual desire.

“If you are in a relationship, take time to determine what parts of it are satisfying and what parts you’d like to improve so you can improve your experience. This will likely increase your libido because you will be and will feel more connected to your partner,” she said.

Whether coupled or uncoupled, taking time to appreciate yourself is essential for self-esteem and libido. “This includes doing things that connect you to the things you love. Tap into your sensuality through experiences that stimulate your senses. Talk to yourself as you would to your best friend,” Buckley added.

Jessica Jolie Badonsky, a registered family nurse practitioner, emphasized people are more than the sum of their aging parts. For example, men’s refractory time lengthens with age, meaning after orgasm and ejaculation, it may take longer until the body is primed to do it again.

“This doesn’t mean that sex has to stop. On the contrary, the organ that can get stimulated over and over is the biggest sex organ, the brain,” Badonsky said.

Moreover, by expanding the definition of sex (not just penetration/orgasm), couples can bring in erotic elements, such as spending more time cuddling, kissing, talking, and exploring touch, like mutual massage.

Extended foreplay allows couples to take time to get in the mood, set it, and discuss what they want. Often post-menopausal women can have vaginal dryness even while excited, so vaginal moisturizers that are pH balanced and as free from fragrance and additives as possible can be used.

Maintain and Revive The Connection

Frequently people over 50 have more time for romance, said Lisa Concepcion, a certified professional life and relationship coach. “There’s an excellent window of opportunity to reinvent and reconnect as a couple once the nest is empty and before grandchildren.”

For instance, couples who have raised kids can come together and decide on what they want to achieve in this next stage of life. Couples who set new goals connect, and where there’s a connection, there’s intimacy and good sex,” she suggested.

Although some people might not feel comfortable talking about what they desire…speaking up can deepen their emotional and physical connection.

Buckley advocated making a confidential appointment, such as a date night or time in the early morning, to relax and reconnect. “As adults, we tend to put important things on our calendars, like appointments, work meetings, and vacations, to ensure we remember to do them and to allow enough time for those activities to occur,” she said.

“Research shows that as individuals enter midlife, the frequency of sex decreases due to children, care for elderly parents, and work/life stressors. If having time to connect with your partner physically and emotionally is important to you, then why wouldn’t it be on your calendar to make sure it happens?” she said.

“Keeping the libido stimulated through masturbation, physical affection, or sexual touching helps keep your libido engaged. Having a regular sex life is part of the process.”

Communicate Wants and Feelings

Creating a space to communicate honestly and freely without negative consequences is part of sustaining a solid connection with your partner. Once individuals know themselves and their preferences, they can better communicate them to their partners.

“Many women are still ashamed of the idea of masturbation due to societal double standards and stereotypes regarding sexuality and women. But when approximately 15% of women have never had an orgasm, and 81% do not orgasm through vaginal penetration, the most significant benefit masturbation offers for women is an understanding of what sexual practices work best for their body,” said Buckley.

Likewise, women can learn to use different techniques to achieve the best results. “They develop greater awareness about their individualized signs of arousal or climax and learn how to control their responses, creating sexual experiences they want.”

Although some people might not feel comfortable talking about what they desire physically or emotionally, speaking up can deepen their emotional and physical connection.

More Intimacy Tips

  • Accept each other “as is:” Despite your current body (sagging breasts, a big stomach, or a slow start-up to arousal), accepting oneself is vital.
  • Strive for ease: Be playful and use humor to lighten the mood, which can ease embarrassment if things don’t go as planned. When problems occur, switch from intercourse to whole-body light touching and kissing or agree to cuddle and talk. Then try again later.
  • Be health conscious: Activities that contribute to physical health also contribute to higher libido. So, get on a regular sleep schedule, avoid smoking, keep to a nutrition plan rich in vegetables, lean proteins and low in sugar and exercise daily.
  • Get physical: Life coach Concepcion, 51, says she and her partner prioritize physical health. “The sex is the best of my life. We’re making love five days a week on average,” she says. “We both maintain good health. We work in our home gym, walk five miles three times weekly, and have fun cooking low-carb meals together. Stretching for ten minutes daily can make a big difference in the bedroom.”
  • Manage mental health: High stress or anxiety levels can reduce libido. Managing these are beneficial for sexual desire and physical health, Buckley notes. Orgasms are an effective method to relieve stress, so masturbation should be a part of self-care.
  • Talk it out: “If there are any issues in your relationship—or your past, such as trauma, abuse or shame—it pays to find a compatible therapist and delve into them,” says sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D. “Your partner can accompany you to a couples’ counselor; if they don’t go, do it solo.”
  • Keep exploring: For some users, sexual toys add to the intimate experience. “Toys can be great fun, extremely pleasurable, and a way to explore, but they can also help partners deal with anorgasmia (delayed, infrequent, or absent orgasms), erectile dysfunction, and other situations that change or affect our sexual expression,” explains Queen. “More importantly, playing with sex toys helps de-center simplistic ideas of what sex should or must be and helps people understand that pleasure can be whole-body and accessible in many ways. That can reassure people whose bodies are changing or who never felt they were getting the kind of stimulation that worked for them in the first place. But beyond that, it can open doors to erotic possibilities many people might not have explored, which can help couples think about intimacy differently.”
  • Advocate for your health: Speak up and discuss changes in your body, pain, difficulties, and concerns with your physician.

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4 tips to try virtual sex and add some sizzle to your relationship

— If you frequently travel for work, then virtual sex is a way to keep that intimate connection with your partner(s).

by Rebecca Strong

  • Virtual sex includes things like steamy texts, nude pics, or mutual masturbation via phone or video.
  • Swapping sexy photos and messages can add novelty and intimacy to any type of relationship.
  • After checking with your partner, you can start by sending a flirty photo or describing a fantasy.

Technology plays an increasing role in nearly every aspect of everyday life, and sex is no exception.

Virtual sex aka cybersex, which includes any kind of sexual activity via your phone, computer, or another digital device, has become more popular — particularly since the COVID-19 pandemic.

In fact, a 2021 study found that more than half of adults engaged in some form of virtual sex since the beginning of the pandemic.

Some examples of virtual sex with a partner might include:

Virtual sex offers a safe, convenient way of experiencing pleasure with your partner, no matter your distance or what kind of relationship you’re in.

Below, experts share just some of the benefits, plus some guidance on how to get the most out of your virtual experiences.

Why try it?

Virtual sex is great for long-distance couples seeking to build intimacy from afar, according to Javay Frye-Nekrasova, a certified sex educator with Lovehoney.

According to research from the Kinsey Institute, an organization that focuses on the study of human sexuality, people can feel both physically and emotionally connected to their partners during virtual sex. Feeling more connected to your partner may, in turn, help strengthen your relationship.

A few other reasons why you might consider virtual sex, according to Jess O’Reilly, PhD, a sexologist and relationship expert:

If you don’t choose to stick with virtual sex for any particular reason, O’Reilly says you still might try it just to add some variety to your sex life — especially if sex has started to feel monotonous or stale.

Even if you and your partner live together, you can still build anticipation and excitement via texting while out of the house during the day, or even when in separate rooms at home, says Suzannah Weiss, certified sex educator and resident sexologist for Biird.

Tips and tricks

Whether you’re trying virtual sex for the first time with a willing and eager partner or trying to figure out how to bring up the option to your significant other, these expert tips can help.

1. Gauge your partner’s interest

If you and your partner have never tried virtual sex before, it’s natural to feel a little awkward or self-conscious about bringing it up — but approaching the subject with curiosity can help.

One way to ease into the conversation, O’Reilly says, is to use popular culture as a reference.

For example, you might say: “I saw this [phone sex, video sex] scene in [XYZ movie or show] and I thought that might be fun,” and then follow up with, “Have you ever done that before?” or “How do you feel about that? Is it something you might be interested in trying?”

If your partner is open to trying virtual sex, O’Reilly suggests digging deeper into the specifics of their desires. For instance, you could ask:

  • “Do you prefer phone sex or video sex?”
  • “Are there certain things you’d like to see or hear?”
  • “How do you feel about receiving sexy images over text?”

These questions can then lead to a deeper discussion about their interests — and boundaries — around virtual sex.

2. Start with texts or voice notes

Being on camera can make you feel vulnerable or self-conscious. That’s why Frye-Nekrasova and O’Reilly advise starting with texts or voice notes to help you get more comfortable with the idea of virtual sex.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

  • “I can’t stop thinking about that time we…”
  • “Later tonight, I’d love to try…”
  • “How’d you like to see a photo of what I’m (not) wearing?”

You can also try recording and sending your partner flirty voice notes, O’Reilly says, to get more comfortable talking about your fantasies or desires.

Once you’re ready to progress things, you can move on to initiating phone sex, suggests Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, a relationship coach and associate professor of sexual and relational communication at California State University Fullerton.

A bonus is that with phone sex, you may have an easier time relaxing and enjoying the experience without as much pressure to perform.

3. Consider planning virtual sex ahead of time

While spontaneously having virtual sex can be exciting, you might want to try scheduling it ahead of time when you’re first starting out. Suwinyattichaiporn says this can help you mentally, emotionally, and physically prepare — however you need to.

For example, if you know in advance that you and your partner plan to have phone sex on a particular evening, you can try meditating, taking a warm bath, or listening to soothing soundscapes beforehand to help you relax and get in the mood.

4. Avoid setting lofty expectations

Frye-Nekrasova advises going into the experience simply with the objective of experiencing something new, instead of expecting something specific, like having an orgasm.

“When we approach things with the goal being fun, it automatically reduces pressure,” she says.

Things to keep in mind

Virtual sex may not work for everyone. O’Reilly advises being honest with your partner if you decide it’s not for you.

It’s also a good idea to be specific about the kinds of acts you aren’t comfortable with right from the start. At the same time, feel free to share the things that do excite or interest you. For example, you might decide to skip video or phone sex but continue sexting and sending sexy photos.

It’s also important to consider your trust level in your partner when digitally exchanging sexual photos and videos, Suwinyattichaiporn says. Even if you trust your partner not to share this digital content, there’s a possibility hackers could gain access to it.

To ensure your security and privacy:

  • Weiss recommends using an encrypted app like Telegram or Signal to exchange messages
  • Frye-Nekrasova advises using a passcode-protected app to store photos and videos.
  • You may also want to consider setting some guidelines with your partner around saving or destroying shared content after viewing.

Insider’s takeaway

Virtual sex offers the opportunity to build and maintain intimacy — even from a distance. Whether you and your partner decide to try phone sex, mutual masturbation over video chat, or exchanging sexy texts and photos, virtual sex can bring some variety and novelty to relationships of all kinds and stages.

Although virtual sex does eliminate the risk of unwanted pregnancy and STIs, it does come with a few privacy and security risks.

Be sure you trust your partner before sharing explicit photos and videos, and when possible, consider using encrypted apps to exchange content.

Remember: Virtual sex isn’t for everyone. While exploring this approach to intimacy, maintain an open line of communication with your partner about what you do and don’t enjoy, so you can figure out what’s comfortable and satisfying for both of you.

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10 tips to support a kid exploring their gender identity

Experts aren’t exactly sure how gender identity develops but think it could include factors like genes and prenatal hormones.

by Alexandra Catherine Lee

  • Gender identity isn’t a choice — accepting your kid’s gender is the first step to supporting them.
  • You can also support your kid by using the right pronouns and making your home a safe space. 
  • New clothes, hairstyles, and room decor may also help your kid feel more comfortable as themselves.

It’s natural for kids to explore their identity and sense of self as they grow up. But a child just beginning to question their gender identity may feel alone, uncertain, and scared, especially if they don’t know how you’ll respond.

Transgender and gender non-conforming youth — or kids with a gender identity different from the sex assigned at birth — face plenty of obstacles that can cause emotional distress, including bullying and discrimination, isolation, and a lack of social support.

But evidence overwhelmingly suggests parental support can boost self-esteem, quality of life, and mental health for trans kids — and, most importantly, reduce their risk of suicide.

In short, if your kid knows you have their back, that you’ll love and support them no matter what, this can boost their resilience and help them thrive in the world at large.

Of course, you might feel wholeheartedly committed to accepting and embracing your child unconditionally but have no idea where to start — especially if you haven’t spent much time considering gender yourself.

Below, experts who specialize in gender identity and supporting LGBTQIA+ people share 10 important tips on how to support your child as they begin to discover who they truly are.

1. Read up on gender identity

Experts have a number of theories about how gender identity develops, including genes and prenatal hormones, but no single answer yet, according to Dr. Laura Erickson-Schroth, a psychiatrist and specialist in LGBTQIA+ mental health at The Jed Foundation.

They do know, however, that it’s not a choice, a mental health condition, or a sign of anything “wrong” with your child.

Kids begin to develop an understanding of gender between the ages of 18 and 24 months. In other words, they begin to get curious about patterns that help them understand gender.

For instance, boys may lean toward cars and trains, while girls may play with dolls and stuffed animals — especially when parents and siblings encourage these gender norms.

Around the ages of 6 to 8, kids start to become aware of the differences between their gender identity and biological sex.

“Those feelings on gender become more flexible and fluid with regards to likes and preferences,” says Alex Greenwald, a therapist at Empower your Mind Therapy.

So, if your child was assigned male at birth but wants to wear princess dresses and play with dolls at the age of 3, they may simply be trying out something new, or copying a friend or sibling.

But if your school-aged child prefers girls’ clothes and begins to use a female name, you may want to start a conversation about gender identity. You might, for instance:

  • Ask what they know about gender
  • Establish that sex and gender are two different concepts
  • Ask what their gender is
  • Avoid offering your own opinion on their gender or guiding them toward gender norms

2. Foster gender neutrality at home

Evidence suggests gender stereotypes — pink and dance class for girls, blue and soccer practice for boys, for instance — can limit your child’s development and even lead them to hide their true interests.

What’s more, two researchers who studied more than 100 children’s toys found that neutral and moderately gendered toys, like crayons, Play-Doh, blocks, and microscopes, were the most likely to promote healthy physical and cognitive development.

Instead of suggesting your kid should play with specific toys or wear certain clothes, Greenwald recommends creating a gender-neutral environment that avoids stereotypes. This means letting them play with whatever toys they like and wear the clothes they prefer — without making comments or criticizing their choices.

3. Establish a safe space for your child

Making your home a safe space can pave the way for open communication within your family, as kids who feel safe are more likely to talk to you honestly and believe you’ll listen without judgment.

Paying attention to your language can make a big difference here. So, you’ll want to steer clear of making comments like “That’s gay,” or “It’s just a phase,” according to Greenwald.

“Rather, encourage their gender exploration. This lets them know you’re there for them and that you support their developing identity,” Greenwald says.

You can affirm and encourage your child by:

  • Listening to how they’re feeling — without questioning their experiences.
  • Asking them what you can do to support them.
  • Making sure they know your family accepts all gender identities and sexual orientations.
  • Waiting until they come to you instead of pushing them to talk before they feel ready.

4. Know you can’t change their gender

The American Psychiatric Association and many other organizations have expressed strong disapproval for conversion therapy.

These harmful practices aim to “repair” gender identity — but not only do they not change gender, they can also cause lasting, major consequences, such as:

  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Substance use disorders
  • Thoughts of suicide
  • Damaged family relationships

“Do not push your child to speak to religious leaders (or anyone) who has a fixed mindset about gender. Do not send your child to a camp to ‘change’ them,” says Bethany Cook, a clinical psychologist at Center on Halsted.

Trying to change your child sends the message there’s something wrong with them that needs to be fixed before you can fully love or accept them.

5. Use the correct pronouns

Your child may choose a different name and pronoun that better suits their gender.

“Parents should ask, ‘How would you like me to refer to you?’ or ‘What pronouns would you like me to use?’,” says Robert L. Johnson, counselor and director at The Dorm DC.

Just keep in mind it’s important to check with your kid before using these pronouns around extended family, friends, and other people in your life, according to Johnson.

Using the correct pronouns shows you respect your kid and acknowledge their identity — and research suggests trans youth feel both affirmed and validated when their parents use the correct pronouns and their chosen name.

A few more helpful tips:

  • Practice using the right pronouns even if they’re not around.
  • If you happen to misgender them, avoid making excuses or saying things like, “Oh, it’s just so hard to remember” or “You’ll always be my baby girl” or “I just can’t see you as a boy.” Simply apologize and correct yourself with the right pronoun.
  • Avoid over-apologizing, since this can make them feel uncomfortable and draw unwanted attention in public areas.
  • If someone else corrects you, avoid getting defensive. Instead, just thank them and then repeat yourself with the correct pronoun.

6. Examine your gender biases

Before talking to a child or teen questioning their gender, it may be worth taking some time to reflect on the gender stereotypes in your social circle.

Stereotypes set a “standard” your child may feel pressured to achieve, which can make it harder for them to show their authentic self.

For example:

  • Expecting boys to be aggressive and tough may prevent them from expressing their emotions.
  • Expecting girls to be feminine and graceful may discourage them from displaying their strength or participating in sports.

Paying attention to the words you and others assign to describe stereotypical gender roles, like “manly,” “tough,” “weak,” or “gentle” can help you:  

  • Dig deeper into unconscious biases, like the idea that girls should be quiet and calm
  • Avoid making assumptions about gender
  • Broaden your understanding about your child’s gender, and gender identity in general

7. Support self-expression

Gender exploration gives your kid a chance to experiment with what makes them feel comfortable.

Trying out new colors and styles, for example, can help them get a sense of their likes and dislikes as they begin to establish their identity. 

You can support them by:

  • Taking them shopping: “Go shopping with them and let them have fun in the dressing room with you trying on whatever they want to,” Cook suggests. 
  • Helping them change up their style: “Ask them if they’d like a haircut. Sometimes a haircut or different style can help in the exploration process,” Cook says.
  • Offer a room makeover: You can also offer to help them change their room decoration, or switch up accessories like lamps and curtains by letting them buy new items that more accurately represent their gender.

8. Expose them to LGBTQIA+ representation

Positive LGBTQIA+ representation in the media can help your kid find a character they identify with, which may:

  • Validate their experiences
  • Foster confidence
  • Help them realize they belong in society

“Talk openly about TV shows and movies that depict LGBTQIA+ characters. Bring up political and social issues affecting people from different backgrounds, including LGBTQIA+ people,” Erickson-Schroth recommends.

Just keep in mind that a well-represented LGBTQIA+ narrative will avoid tokenization, which happens when a show features LGBTQIA+ characters, like a gay best friend, simply for diversity without fleshing out the character adequately.

Tokenization can do more harm than good when it reinforces negative stereotypes or portrays LGBTQIA+ characters in a negative light.

Real representation, however, embraces a character’s complexity.

A few shows to try with your kid or teen:

  • She-Ra and the Princesses of Power
  • The Owl House
  • I Am Jazz
  • Star Trek: Prodigy
  • Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts
  • First Day

9. Connect them to support groups

If your child wants to meet more LGBTQIA+ peers, they might find it helpful to join a youth group.

Erickson-Schroth says you can start by:

  • Searching for groups in your city
  • Trying an online group if you can’t find a local in-person option
  • Consider a summer camp for LGBTQIA+ youth
  • Ask a therapist or school guidance counselor for a referral

1o. Help them find a supportive mental health professional

You may not feel able to answer every question your child has — but that’s OK.

A therapist who specializes in gender and identity can provide affirmation and space for exploration, along with support helping you and your child prepare for their future, Erickson-Schroth says.

If your child seems reluctant to try therapy, it may help to explain some of the benefits of working with a therapist. For instance, a therapist can:

  • Offer support for mental health symptoms like anxiety or depression.
  • Help your child process their experiences and explore any changes they’d like to make to express their gender.
  • Offer support with finding gender-affirming care if your child chooses to begin social or medical transition.

Helpful resources for finding gender-affirming therapists and organizations include:

Insider’s takeaway

As your child begins to explore their gender identity, celebrating them as they are and nurturing them with unconditional love and support can do a lot of good — both for their well-being and your relationship.

Don’t hesitate to seek out helpful resources and connect with other parents for more support. Keep in mind, too, that a therapist can offer more guidance with knowing what to say and processing your own feelings.

“Loving and supporting your child doesn’t mean you can’t grieve any losses you may feel about the change. Just be aware that this is a process for you, not for your child to guide you through,” Cook says.

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