Everything can remind you of sex if you’re not getting any, but there are ways to get through a phase of inactivity
by Brit Dawson
Of all the jaw drop moments on the most recent season of The White Lotus, one of the biggest talking points was how married couple Ethan and Harper reignited a fallow sexual period in their relationship by cheating, or at least seeming to do so. What the show captured was how periods of infrequent sex and communicating your low libido can feel like a taboo for couples in their thirties.
The marriage may have been fictional but their problems are anything but. Just look at the sexless community of Reddit’s DeadBedrooms, where hundreds of thousands of people struggling with a lack of sexual intimacy in their relationships share their issues. However you handle it, when you’re in a so-called ‘sexual dry spell’, not only can everything remind you of sex, but it can often feel like you’re the only one not getting any. This makes it much easier to catastrophise, particularly if you’re in a relationship.
“It’s so easy to get caught up in box-ticking with sex, where if you’re not having it more than twice a week, it means there’s something wrong with your relationship,” says sex and relationships coach Lucy Rowett.
But rest assured, you’re not alone. In fact, as the idiom goes, nothing in this world is certain except death, taxes, and an inevitable sexual dry spell that leaves you frustrated, confused, and incredibly horny. And, whether it’s by choice or not, there’s a myriad of reasons that could be causing a dry spell – each of which are unique to the individual or couple. Not all of which necessarily mean your relationship, or, if you’re single, dating prospects, are doomed.
So, for those who don’t want to ‘fix’ a sexless marriage the White Lotus way, and for singles navigating a dry spell alone, Rowett is on hand to explain why you might not be having sex right now, and offer tips on how to reignite your sexual spark.
Why am I in a sexual dry spell?
There’s plenty of logistical reasons why someone might not be having much sex at a particular moment. For single people, it could be chalked up to a lack of suitable partners, healing after a break-up, or – as is increasingly common with dating via apps – a period of time where you swear off dating and sex completely. For couples, a lack of sex could relate to differing schedules, living long distances apart, or, for parents, a lack of time alone.
For everyone, though, emotional issues play a major role in our feelings of both self-confidence and sexual desire. Chronic stress, mental or physical illness, major life events like bereavement or pregnancy, or even unresolved conflicts or communication difficulties in relationships can all affect our libidos.
Then there’s additional factors at play in relationships. Rowett explains that it’s completely normal for the initial passion and desire you feel during the ‘honeymoon stage’ to wane after the first six months to a year of being together. “In the world of polyamory and consensual non-monogamy, it’s known as ‘new relationship energy’,” she continues. “This is because when you’re first together, your brains are all for intents and purposes, high on a cocktail of hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and norepinephrine.” As you start to settle into relationship familiarity, these hormones taper off. “If you don’t know what’s happening, you can mistake this for falling out of love with each other and think there’s something wrong.”
Ultimately, Rowett believes that sexual dry spells – for anyone – are often a source of confusion because of most people’s “lack of knowledge and understanding about how desire works in the first place, how to communicate what they want, and even knowing who they are as sexual beings and how to communicate that”.
How can I talk to my partner about it?
Broaching the topic of why you aren’t having sex can be a scary thing to do with your partner, particularly if you’re unsure about whether there’s a deeper reason behind it. So, before launching into a random splurge of thoughts, Rowett recommends considering your setting. “Start the conversation somewhere neutral where you both feel relaxed, for example over dinner, when you’re watching TV, or even on a walk together,” she suggests. Then, when it comes to the content of your talk, it’s important not to dive in with accusations or presumptions about why you’re in a dry spell. “Start with how you feel about it and how much you miss intimacy with each other, and then ask your partner how they feel and what you want,” explains Rowett. “When they speak, make sure you actually listen and empathise with how they feel, even if you don’t agree with them.”
How can I reignite my sexual spark?
Okay, so you’ve had the hard conversation with your partner, and perhaps now you’re wondering how to reignite your sexual spark, but without it feeling awkward and forced. “Start by going back to the foundations,” says Rowett. “Plan dates with each other, start touching and holding hands again, send flirty texts or leave little notes for each other.” If you work different hours or one person travels a lot, it might be worth scheduling in time for intimacy – not necessarily a sex schedule, but allotted moments to spend quality time together, which could then naturally lead to sex.
One key element of rediscovering your own sexual desire in a relationship is to create some distance between you and your partner sometimes. This can start with nurturing your own interests and passions to make sure you’re not living in your partner’s pocket. “Start doing things that make you excited again,” suggests Rowett, “go out with your friends, take up that hobby you always wanted to.”
For anyone – single or in a relationship – Rowett says the most important thing to remember is that “you are your first lover, so treat yourself that way”. Masturbation is a great way to reignite your own sex fires, but, as Rowett puts it, it’s not just about doing it “from time to time to scratch an itch”, but rather “treating yourself as you wish to be treated by a lover”. A dry spell might be a good time to explore novel toys, learn new masturbation techniques, or join sexuality workshops to learn something new. “Think of this as the perfect time to work on yourself,” she continues. “Get clear on your boundaries, needs, and what you actually want.”
Of course, it’s also important to interrogate the root of why you might not be interested in sex right now. Take the time to work on your own mental or physical health, or to manage any considerable stresses in your life. If you’re feeling lighter and happier yourself, your sex life will, unsurprisingly, benefit too.
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