By David Marchese
For nearly 20 years, Emily Morse has been publicly talking with people about sex. She has done it in intimate, small-group conversations with friends; she has done it on radio and TV and social media; and the sex therapist has done it, most prominently, on her popular “Sex With Emily” podcast. A lot of what she has talked about over the years hasn’t changed: People want to discuss why they’re not having orgasms or their insecurities about penis size or their changing libido. But lately she has noticed something different: There’s a growing desire for more information about open sexual relationships. Indeed, Morse was already late in submitting a draft to her publisher of her new book, “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure,” when she decided that she needed to add a section on nonmonogamy because she kept being asked about it. “People are realizing,” says Morse, who is 53, “that monogamy isn’t a one-size-fits-all model.”
Why do you think so many people are curious about nonmonogamy these days? People are in therapy more, taking care of themselves and thinking more deeply about their relationships. Now that’s part of the conversation; therapy is no longer stigmatized. That has been a big switch, and when couples get into their feelings and emotional intelligence, they’re realizing: We can love each other and be together, and we can create a relationship on our own terms that works for us. If you are in a long-term committed relationship, it can be exciting to experience sex in a new way that is equitable, consensual and pleasurable but doesn’t take away from the union of marriage.
A term I hear a lot now is “ethical nonmonogamy.”1
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Broadly, it’s the practice of being romantically or sexually involved with multiple people who are all aware of and give consent to the arrangement.
My sense is that some couples experiment with that because one-half of a relationship feels that things have to open up or the relationship isn’t going to last. But in a situation like that, how ethical is the ethical nonmonogamy? That’s coercion. That’s manipulation. If you say to your partner, “We have to open up, or I’m leaving you” — I don’t feel great about the future of those couples. I can say that there usually is one partner who starts the nonmonogamy conversation. They might say, “I’ve been thinking about it, and our friends are doing it, and what would you think about being open?” They’ll talk about what it might look like and how they would navigate and negotiate it. But if one partner is like, “We should open up,” and the other is like, “I’m shut down to that; it doesn’t work for me,” and then the partner brings it up again and again and the answer is still “No,” then it won’t work. For a majority of people, their first thought is, I never want to hear about my partner having sex with somebody else; that is my biggest nightmare. That’s where most people are. So for nonmonogamy to work, you need to be self-aware and have self-knowledge about your sexual desires and do some work. Maybe we’ll talk to our friends who we know are into it. Maybe we’ll listen to a podcast about it. Maybe we’ll go to therapy. Maybe we’ll take baby steps and go to a play party.2
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A party where people are free to engage in public sex or kinky behaviors.
But to do it to spice up your relationship is not the reason to do it. Do it because you’re open and curious and understand that your desire for pleasure extends beyond your relationship.
In the book, you say nonmonogamy is not a way to fix a relationship. Why not? The people in successful ethical nonmonogamous relationships have a very healthy relationship to their own sex life and their own intimacy, their own desires. People who are like, Yeah, let’s go find someone else to have sex with, to spice it up — usually those couples don’t have a deeper understanding of their own sex life and what they want from a partner. Another version of that is, “Let’s have a baby!” These drastic things that people do to make their relationship more interesting or to distract themselves from problems usually don’t work. Couples who are successful have rigorous honesty and a deeper knowledge of their own sexual wants and desires.
What about couples who stay together because their sex life is great but the rest of their relationship is bad? People who have great sex but they can’t stand each other? I think that’s rare. If they’re not connected in other areas and the sex is what’s carrying them, I would want to sit with that couple and find out more. Maybe the relationship is better than they think. But listen, people get to decide what works for them. To me, the most satisfying pleasurable sex is when you have trust and depth and openness and intimacy and communication. If you loathe your partner outside the bedroom? I don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum; I’m sure that situation exists, but I don’t hear about it often.
It’s funny to hear you say you don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum, because in my life — If that’s you, David, in your relationship, that’s awesome! I’m so glad for you and your partner.
No, no. What I was going to say was that I use that phrase with my kids. One will say to the other, “Why are you eating that Jell-O?” or whatever, and I’ll say, “Don’t yuck their yum.” It’s a very different context! Well, that’s a big sex thing, too: You never want to yuck your partner’s yum. This is what comes up with fantasies and arousal and desire. If your partner tells you they want to use a sex toy, and you’re like, “Ew,” it’s hard to recover from that. So don’t yuck the yum if you don’t like Jell-O and if you don’t like anal sex.
You said a second ago that the best sex is about communication and depth and so on, which goes along with ideas in your book about what you call the five pillars of sex IQ,3
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Which are embodiment (meaning awareness of your self in your own body), health, collaboration (relating to and working with your sexual partners), self-knowledge and self-acceptance.
which are basically all things that also go into being a balanced, healthy person. Obviously sex ties into one’s overall sense of self and well-being, but is there any way in which making it as central as you do also makes it more daunting? Or sets people up for disappointment? Because maybe sometimes sex is just OK, or sometimes it’s disappointing, or sometimes it’s great. Does it always have to be a referendum on one’s holistic well-being? I want people to think deeply about sex, to prioritize sex, to be intentional about sex and to think about it differently than just, I’m going to close my eyes in the dark and hope it works out. The problem is that most people compartmentalize sex. It’s shrouded in mystery. Since it’s so mysterious, people don’t want to talk about it, and they don’t have a lot of information — there’s a lot of misinformation. People are surprised every day to learn that maybe they can’t get an erection because they haven’t been working out or because of the food they’re eating. We don’t want to talk about sex unless we get a quick fix. For many years, I was like: Here’s the vibrator! Here’s the sex position! Here’s a quick-fix tip! Tips are great, but because sex becomes such a problem in relationships, I want to give people the tools to say: “I wonder if it’s a problem because I haven’t communicated with my partner lately. Maybe that’s how I can have better sex tonight.” So understanding all the elements to it might help you have more satisfaction. Once people realize this is foundational work that’s going to help you for a lifetime, once it becomes more integrated, it’ll help everybody have more freeing, satisfying sex
What are examples of misinformation about sex? That the most pleasure comes from penetration; that men want sex more than women; that men don’t fake orgasms; that desire stays the same in long-term relationships; if there isn’t desire, it means your relationship should end; that if you don’t have penetrative sex, you’re not really having sex. There’s so many of them, and every day I get hundreds of questions from people who you would think would know better. I have friends who have three children, educated, who are like, “Is the g-spot thing real?”
Can I ask about the ring you’re wearing?
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It was quite a large ring.
I realize it looks like a vulva.
It does. It’s a vintage ring. At the time I got it, I literally didn’t realize what it looked like until the next day. [Laughs.] But now it’s my magic vulva ring!
What’s the most far-out thing that everyone should be doing? And I don’t mean far-out as in kinkiest. I mean what’s the thing that people are prudish about but need to get over? I think it’s important to masturbate. Solo sex is a great way to understand your body, what feels good. Healthy masturbation is good for people of all ages, in and out of relationships — when you are intentional about it and it makes you feel good, not bad. You don’t want to have shame after. You want to be accepting of your body, feel more in touch with yourself, feel your sexual energy. You can start to understand what turns you on. You know and accept your genitals for how they are today, and you do it without consequences.
On the subject of masturbation: In the book you write about this technique of “Meditate, masturbate” — remind me of the third one? Manifest.
Right. So the idea is that I’m supposed to meditate. Then once I’m in the right head space, I can start masturbating. And at the moment of climax, if I think about the thing I want to happen in my life — “I hope I get that raise!” — then it’s more likely to happen? Yeah. I mean, manifestation is the science behind the law of attraction and all the things you think about when you are in a heightened state. So when you’re meditating, which, I don’t know if you meditate.
I do two out of the three M’s. Two out of three! You’re good! So you meditate for a few minutes, you get in the zone, then you masturbate, and at the height of orgasm, when your sexual energy is at a peak level and you’re at a clear state to transmute whatever you believe into the universe — it’s very potent, clear energy at that moment to think about and feel what it is that you want. It could be about a raise. It could be about a better day. I feel like this is so woo. I’m from California! [Laughs.] But at that moment of your orgasm, if in that moment you can feel what you want, picture it, it has powerful resonance.
But that’s magic. Magic is not real. [Expletive.] I know. I wish I could explain this better to you, the science behind it, but a lot of people have had a lot of success with this feeling. I just think that meditate, masturbate, manifest is basically a way of using your creative energy to fuel your intentions in the moment of pleasure.
What are you working on in your sex life right now? I’m always working on my sex. Research is me-search, as I say. I’m working on staying connected. I love to slow down sex and take time to experience one-way touch.
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Which in this context means when only one of the partners is offering touch without the expectation that the other will reciprocate.
So having a night where it’s more about giving and receiving. Expanding connection and understanding what feels good is something I’m always working on.
Just to go back to the five pillars of sex IQ: It seems self-evident that if you get healthier, become more self-aware, collaborate more honestly and openly, and if you’re more comfortable in your own body and you accept yourself, you’re more likely to have better sex. So what is your unique insight there? That’s a great question, because, yeah, those are the five pillars for a better life. But if you have a better sex life, you have a better life. So my thing is that you need to take a more holistic approach to your sex life. People don’t realize that all of those things matter. I don’t think these are so groundbreaking. It’s more applying them to sex on a daily basis. What I’m hearing you say is, Don’t people know this? They don’t.
You’re a doctor of human sexuality. I don’t mean this in a glib way at all, but what is that? So, 20 years ago when I was starting this career — and I know the school isn’t there anymore. It’s a whole thing. But I’m fully open about this. I wanted to go back to school and get a degree in human sexuality. In 2003 when I started looking, there weren’t really many places to go, and I wanted to learn more about sex and education. One school was in San Francisco, called the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality.6
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The institute operated from the mid-1970s to 2018. In 2017, California’s Bureau for Private Postsecondary Education denied its renewal application to continue operating educational programs. In its decision, the bureau did note that the institute’s faculty and graduates “have produced a well-respected body of research and scholarship.”
A few people I admired highly recommended this school to me. So I did that for three years: an intensive program of learning everything about human sexuality and writing papers and reading everything about sex. That’s where everyone at the time in this space was going to school. Now I think there are other programs. There are some places popping up that I think are a bit better, but not a ton. It’s kind of a newer path.
My understanding is that the school didn’t meet California’s standards for private higher education. I know. This is my nightmare. But you can write about this if you want. Here’s the thing: It was run for like 40, 50 years, but it didn’t meet the criteria to be accredited, which is not fun. I haven’t really been following it. But then I went and got other degrees — in somatic sex therapy, and I’ve taken other things.
Do you think people assume that you’re a medical doctor? I hope not. I always make it clear. I don’t want people to think I’m a medical doctor. Then people think I’m a Ph.D. — not at all. I think after 20 years I’ve been doing this, people know that I’m not a medical doctor. I know putting “Dr. Emily” in the book might have been misleading, but I do say that I’m a doctor of human sexuality, which I understand might not be as well known.
I was interested in your ideas in the book about “core desires”
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The term came to Morse from the sex educators Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harel. She defines it as “the specific feeling you want to experience during sex.” That could be feelings like power or humiliation, not merely arousal.
and how they shape our sexuality. Do you mind if I ask what your core desire is? I think to be nurtured, to be seen — loved, cared for, nourished and sometimes ravished. Twenty years ago, I was nervous around sex, disassociated. I was much more in my head and much more about my partner’s pleasure, and if they got off, that meant it was a success and a good time. I knew nothing about my body, my clitoris. I’m a totally different person. Growing up, maybe I wasn’t in an environment — divorced parents and life was hectic. I don’t think I felt as nurtured as I needed to feel. People have really intense core desires. I want to give permission to people to find out what they need, release any shame around it, express it to your partner and then see how that goes. Hopefully it goes well.
What’s the wisest thing someone ever said to you about sex? David, you with the good questions! I don’t remember who said it to me, but: “Sex isn’t just about sex.” It’s about so many other things. Sex is about your entire life. Sex is about energy, intimacy and connection. Oh, also: “Go five times slower.” That is a great sex tip!
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity from two conversations.
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Can You Have a Bad Orgasm?
— When thinking about orgasms, many of us associate them with feelings of pleasure. However, this isn’t always the case. Research has found that people experience bad orgasms, even during consensual sexual activity. Let’s explore how these orgasms can happen and the reasons they occur.
- A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that many people had experienced a bad orgasm during consensual sexual activity, adversely affecting their sexuality, relationships, and mental health.
- Reasons for bad orgasms included weak orgasms due to societal emphasis on orgasms, narrow gender roles and sexual scripts, poor intimacy, painful orgasms, shame and guilt about sex, gender dysphoria, and racial fetishization.
- People can manage physical and emotional needs related to bad orgasms by seeking safety, using at-home treatments such as heat or ice packs, and communicating with their partners.
Do bad orgasms happen?
Although orgasms are typically thought of as pleasurable experiences, research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that people engaging in consensual sexual activities can actually experience bad orgasms.
The study surveyed 726 participants about past sexual experiences where they may have felt pressure to have sex, pressure to orgasm, or agreed to sex they didn’t really desire. The findings revealed that around 55% of participants had experienced a bad orgasm in such situations.
These types of orgasms were found to have adverse effects on the participant’s sexuality, relationships, and mental health.
Reasons why people experience a bad orgasm
The study found that there were multiple reasons that people experienced a bad orgasm.
Weak orgasm
Some people in the study reported that their orgasms were weaker and less pleasurable than they had in the past. A reason for this occurring could be the emphasis that we as a society put on orgasms as the defining ending of sex, as well as an indicator of its success. Attempting to have an orgasm, even when we’re not really into it, could cause orgasms to be weaker.
Narrow gender roles and sexual scripts
Similar to the reasons above, some participants in the study found that narrow gender roles and sexual scripts led to negative orgasms. Some women within the study felt pressured to orgasm to please their partners, and men also experienced unpleasurable orgasms due to these narrow gender roles and sexual scripts.
Some participants stated that they felt pressured to perform and meet the unrealistic stereotypes of being able to orgasm easily or always wanting sex. Additionally, some bisexual men felt pressure to orgasm when having sex with a woman to not be perceived as gay, which resulted in a bad orgasm.
Poor intimacy
Other study participants claimed that orgasms with a partner without a close intimate connection were unpleasant. A bad physical and emotional connection with a partner may make it difficult for some to fully relax and let go during sexual activity, hindering the ability to reach orgasm or making it less pleasurable.
Painful orgasms
Some participants stated that the reason for their bad orgasms was pain. While pain during orgasms can indicate sexual dysfunction, many participants in the study attributed their pain to specific circumstances, such as their bodies not being sufficiently aroused for sex, being too tired, or the orgasm taking too long to occur.
Shame and guilt
Other participants attributed their bad orgasms to their shame and guilt about sex due to religious and sociocultural factors.
Gender dysphoria
Gender dysphoria, particularly for transgender individuals, was identified as another reason for unpleasant orgasms. For some, an orgasm served as an anxious reminder of the mismatch between their biological sex and their gender identity, leading to an unpleasant orgasm.
Fetishization
People of color who participated in the study reported that racial fetishization caused moral conflicts about the sexual experience, leading to negative orgasms.
Other reasons people may experience a bad orgasm
Aside from the reasons mentioned above, some sexual dysfunctions can cause an orgasm to feel bad or unpleasant.
Anorgasmia
Anorgasmia is characterized by delayed, infrequent, or absent orgasms or experiencing orgasms that are significantly less intense, even after being sexually aroused and adequately stimulated. It can happen to people of all sexes, although it is less common in people with penises.
For people with a vulva, it is a symptom of sexual dysfunction — female orgasmic disorder, while in penis owners, it is likely a symptom of delayed ejaculation. Anorgasmia is caused by several factors, including stress, depression, anxiety, relationship factors, menopause, and certain medications.
Anhedonia
Anhedonia is a rare condition characterized by the inability to experience pleasure from an orgasm. This phenomenon is commonly observed in individuals with penises and is sometimes referred to as “pleasure dissociative orgasmic dysfunction” or “ejaculatory anhedonia.” Despite being able to ejaculate normally, individuals with anhedonia do not experience any pleasure during the act.
While they may achieve an erection and recognize that they are having an orgasm, the neural pathways in their brain responsible for interpreting these sensations as pleasurable are absent. The cause of the disorder is unknown, but for most people suffering from sexual anhedonia, it is unlikely that it will be permanent.
What to do if you experience a bad orgasm?
Depending on the reason for your bad orgasm, there are different methods to help you manage any physical or emotional needs.
- Seek safety. If you feel unsafe for any reason, it’s important that you seek safety as soon as you can do so safely.
- Use at-home treatments. If the cause of your bad orgasm was pain, you could use at-home remedies such as an ice pack and a heat pack to help alleviate the pain. If you have a small tear on the genitals, place an ice pack on the affected area to help with the pain. If you experience pelvic pain, a heat pack on the lower part of the stomach will help.
- Communicate. If you feel pressured into having an orgasm to please your partner, you should communicate this to them so that you can work on ways to increase pleasure in further sexual experiences.
Many people will experience a bad orgasm in their lifetime. However, if you consistently experience them, it’s an indication that you may need to speak to a doctor along with a mental health professional, such as a sex therapist, in order to understand why it’s happening, and work out an individual treatment plan, to prevent it from happening in the future.
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5 Myths About Orgasms We Need To Put To Bed
By Amanda Chatel
When it comes to orgasms, there’s a hotbed of myths surrounding them. The reason for this is because they’re shrouded in mystery. To give you an example of just how mysterious the orgasm is, especially for those with vulvas, according to a 2005 study published in HHS Author Manuscripts, it wasn’t until the mid-1990s that researchers, via MRI, discovered the clitoris has an internal component. The MRI also found that this inner part was far bigger than the exposed bulb and the clitoris has erectile tissue similar to that of a penis, giving some much-needed insight into the clitoris and how it impacts orgasms from the outside and inside.
What makes the orgasm for those with vulvas even more puzzling for researchers is that it’s not necessary for pregnancy, unlike when someone with a penis orgasms and releases sperm meant to fertilize, resulting in conception. Our orgasm is essentially an enigma, per The New York Times. But where there’s a mystery, rumors will follow. Here are five of the most common myths about orgasms that we’re putting to bed right now.
Everyone should be able to orgasm through penetration alone
If ever there were a myth that needed to be debunked, shattered, and put out to pasture it’s that penetration equals orgasm for everyone. If only it were that easy. Study after study has found that the majority of people with a vulva can’t orgasm through intercourse alone. While those percentages vary based on the participants, a 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found that 36.6% need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, while only 18.4% reported that penetration alone could bring them to climax.
But it’s not only people with vulvas who need more than penetration to orgasm. Per a 2016 study published in Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology, contrary to what we might have been taught, those with penises don’t actually have a 100% orgasm rate during penetrative sex either — it’s “[m]ore than 90%,” according to the Scandinavian Journal of Sexology. Granted, that’s pretty darn close to 100%, thereby illustrating that the orgasm gap is indeed legitimate, but it’s important to realize that penetration alone simply doesn’t do it for everyone.
Sex is only good if there’s an orgasm involved
Because our culture puts so much emphasis on orgasms, we often forget that great sex doesn’t have to involve them. Especially if you take into consideration the fact that some people struggle to orgasm or don’t orgasm at all. If we reduce sex — in all its forms — to just achieving orgasms, then we all lose. Just as much as intercourse isn’t the only type of sex one can have, orgasm isn’t the only result of sex that can be experienced.
“There are a million reasons why we choose to be sexual, ranging from wanting intimacy, for excitement, to relieve boredom and to feel attractive,” psychosexologist Dr. Karen Gurney tells Refinery 29. “Many of these motivations can give us pleasure without getting anywhere near orgasm … The psychological and physical processes which result in orgasm involve a complex interplay between receiving bodily sensations that we enjoy, situations which we find erotic, and our ability to focus our attention on all of these things.”
When we put too much importance on having an orgasm, we miss out on properly enjoying the ride. Sex is a journey, from beginning to end, with a lot of different sensations and methods to experience arousal along the way. In fact, concentrating so much on coming can make it even harder to achieve.
There’s only one type of orgasm
When we hear the word “orgasm,” we tend to immediately think of climax that results from clitoral stimulation or, if you have a penis, when ejaculation occurs. But, and this might be some of the most exciting news you’ll read in a long time, there are several types of orgasms.
In addition to the clitoral orgasm, there’s the vaginal orgasm (also known as the G-spot orgasm) as well as the blended orgasm, which is experiencing both the clitoral and vaginal orgasms at the same time. There are also multiple orgasms; the anal orgasm; and the nipple orgasm (yes, some people can climax from nipple stimulation!) With the hotly debated squirting orgasm, fluid (not urine) is released from the urethral glands. The coregasm is induced by core-focused exercise, while skin orgasms, also known as music orgasms, are usually dismissed as goosebumps. Sleep orgasms are those delightful no-effort orgasms that we have while getting some proper shuteye. The U-spot orgasm results from urethral stimulation, while the A-spot orgasm has to do with the anterior fornix, which is located roughly a couple of inches above the G-spot.
Not only are there so many types of orgasms that can be experienced, but there are different intensities that can be felt with each. If that weren’t enough, genital orgasms can be broken up into three categories: avalanche, volcano, and wave. According to a 2022 study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, these orgasms are the result of the tension being held in the pelvic floor — in case you needed another reason to practice your Kegel exercises regularly. Fun fact: a strong pelvic floor means stronger and even longer orgasms.
Using sex toys on a regular basis will desensitize your genitals
Sex toys have finally become mainstream, and are no longer something that one should feel shy about purchasing or owning. Sex toy innovation has reached extraordinary heights and with so many pleasure companies being owned by people with vulvas, these products are being created to help close that aforementioned orgasm gap.
Sex toys of all kinds are great for not just orgasms, but experimentation and self-exploration. Because, after all, you never really know what gets you off until you try something new. But despite this, a rumor persists that using sex toys, vibrators in particular, too often is going to desensitize the genitals (most notably the clitoris) making orgasm more difficult to achieve — especially during partnered sex. Simply, that’s not how the body works.
“What actually happens with a vibrator is that you tend to reach the climax faster because you are being intensely stimulated, more so than a finger or hand,” sex therapist Rachel Hoffman tells Insider. “Therefore, when you compare a session with your vibrator to a session with a partner (without a vibrator) it might feel very different, creating the myth of desensitization.”
Different types of stimulation create different types of sensations. But if your clitoris has started to rely more on your vibrator for orgasms than other types of stimulation — for example, your partner’s hands or tongue — then you can take a sex toy break. However, desensitizing your genitals just isn’t a thing.
If you can’t orgasm, there’s something wrong with you
Short answer: this is absolutely, positively not true. According to a 2000 study published in Current Psychiatry Reports, 10% to 15% of those with vulvas experience anorgasmia — the inability to orgasm. Anorgasmia is a disorder that isn’t just the complete absence of orgasms after sexual arousal, but it can also result in delayed climax, or rare and less intense orgasms (via Mayo Clinic).
For some, anorgasmia can be a lifelong disorder in which an orgasm is never achieved, or it can be something that comes about over one’s lifetime, or it can be situational in that you have a million other things on your plate and your head just isn’t in the game. But no matter the reason, the inability to orgasm isn’t a flaw, nor does it mean you’re broken or can’t enjoy sex. It means you enjoy sex differently than those who are able to orgasm.
As much as orgasms are a wonderful experience, it’s paramount to keep in mind that pleasure looks and feels different for everyone. If your main mode of satisfaction is an orgasm, that’s great. But keeping in mind just how complicated human sexuality is, it’s also essential to know that orgasms don’t hit the spot for everyone in the same way.
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Here she comes
— Closing the orgasm gap
By Cat Tang
When Sophia Wright finished the deed with her high school boyfriend, she looked over at him and thought: “This can’t be it, right?”
It was only until years later, when she got to university, that she first heard of the term “orgasm gap.” Since then, Wright has learned more about her sex life and orgasm equality.
“I didn’t even really know what an orgasm was for a woman at that time,” says Wright, now a fourth-year psychology and gender, sexuality and women’s studies student.
The orgasm gap is the difference in orgasm rates between men and women during partnered sexual experiences. In general, men are much more likely to experience orgasm than women.
“I was also still focused on, ‘Well, I’m not supposed to come, so why does it matter?’” says Wright, describing her mindset back in high school. “You get fed this narrative for such a long time — you do have to retrain yourself and unlearn these harmful things.”
A 2017 study analyzing a sample of over 50,000 United States adults found a significant gap in frequency of orgasm during sex between heterosexual men and women. Heterosexual and gay men reported orgasming 95 and 89 per cent of the time respectively, whereas bisexual and heterosexual women were the lowest, orgasming 66 and 65 per cent of the time. Bisexual men and lesbian women were reported to orgasm 88 and 86 per cent of the time.
Jaclyn Siegel, a social psychologist who completed her PhD at Western University in 2021, now teaches at San Diego State University. Siegel has a whole lecture dedicated to the orgasm gap in her psychology of human sexual behaviour course.
“We talk about sexual empowerment, sexual equality and the playing field being even now for women and men in heterosexual hookups — but it’s not true,” says Siegel.
Siegel says there are a variety of factors that affect the orgasm gap, one being poor understanding of female sexual anatomy and the type of stimulation needed for someone with female sexual anatomy to orgasm. This often includes clitoral stimulation.
“There’s an ongoing cultural joke that no one knows where the clitoris is, which is not funny. It’s sort of pathetic,” says Siegel.
But lack of information about female sexual anatomy is almost universal. Oftentimes, young women don’t know much about their sexual anatomy either, creating a huge barrier in communicating with their partners about how they can reach an orgasm.
Wright didn’t know she had a clitoris until she was 15 years old — she didn’t even know what it looked like.
“I took a mirror and I was like, ‘Where the fuck is it?’” says Wright.
Looking back, Wright is astounded at just how little she knew about her own body. She recalls not even knowing urine came out of the urethra until she watched an episode of Orange is the New Black.
Her Ontario public school sex education was unhelpful. She never learned about masturbation, pleasure or orgasms in school.
The lack of information she received about female sexual anatomy — along with feeling like she wasn’t as thin as attractive women were typically depicted in the media — led her to feel shame about her body.
“I still feel shame around my vagina,” says Wright. “That was something when I got to university that I really had to get through: ‘Why am I feeling so much shame towards my own body? Why do I hate this part of my body so much?’ I felt so bad for people having sex with me.”
This self-consciousness led Wright to decline oral sex — a common way for people with female sexual anatomy to reach clitorial stimulation and achieve an orgasm — even when her partners offered.
Siegel says predominating sexual scripts — cultural attitudes and norms towards how sex is supposed to go — priotitizes those with male sexual anatomy over those with female sexual anatomy.
“If you genuinely believe a sexual experience is over as soon as a person with male sexual anatomy has an orgasm, you might not feel entitled to an orgasm because you think the sexual experience is over,” says Siegel.
While Siegel does cite men’s sexual entitlement as a contributing factor to the orgasm gap, she adds it’s important to not paint all men with broad strokes.
“In conversations, people are very quick to blame men for the orgasm gap. But women contribute to this by not telling their partners what type of stimulation they need,” says Siegel. “It’s not necessarily that men don’t want to help, they might not know how.”
A 2021 study found that when women are socialized to be more sexually assertive, it can lead to more frequent orgasms and higher sexual satisfaction.
Siegel attributes the patriarchy as the reasoning behind a woman’s hesitation in communicating what they sexually like. Women may feel like their pleasure doesn’t matter to their partner, or that speaking up may hurt their partner’s feelings and make them feel inadequate.
This leads to another factor Siegel strongly believes contributes to the orgasm gap: women faking their orgasms.
A 2015 study surveying 4,685 university students at the University of Maine found that 70 per cent of sexually-active women reported having faked an orgasm.
“When you lie to your partner by pretending you’ve had an orgasm, they don’t learn how to actually give you an orgasm. You reinforce behaviours that didn’t produce the outcome you wanted,” says Siegel.
While Wright has never faked an orgasm personally, she understands why many others do.
“I think a lot of women do it because sex sometimes is super fucking boring,” says Wright. “Sex just sucks sometimes. It’s like: ‘How do I get this over with? Let me make the loudest porn moaning noise that I can for me to get the fuck out of this.’”
Wright’s journey to sexual empowerment has been long and ongoing. She says it’s taken a lot of unlearning predominating sexual narratives and ideas of what women’s bodies are supposed to look like to get to where she is today.
Her current partner noticed she was struggling to orgasm during their first few months of dating, when they bought her a vibrator to throw into the mix. An attentive partner and a shift towards a more positive mindset about her own body has resulted in a vast improvement in Wright’s sex life.
Another thing Wright’s learned? She’s allowed to finish first.
“We should all be pursuing positive sexual experience,” says Siegel. “There are a variety of ways we can move toward orgasm equality, some of which are on women, some of which are on men.”
According to Siegel, there’s still work to be done — talking more about female sexual pleasure and learning more about the bodies of people with female sexual anatomy are just the start.
“You must understand your own body before you hope someone else will understand it,” says Siegel. “Get comfortable with yourself, figure out ways to make yourself feel good.”
Exploring your body comes in many different forms, from masturbation to experimenting with sex toys. Once you understand how you receive pleasure, it’s crucial to communicate that to your partner and emphasize your sexual pleasure is important too.
If your partner is unresponsive? Leave.
“The only people who are worth having sex with, are the people who are willing to do what they need to do to give you a positive sexual experience,” says Siegel.
An orgasm isn’t essential to having a satisfying sexual experience, but for many, it’s an enjoyable part. Bringing more attention to the orgasm gap is essential to achieving orgasm equality.
“People deserve to have pleasure,” says Wright. “It’s jarring when we see men receiving that pleasure more than women.”
As for Wright’s high school boyfriend? She got rid of him a long time ago. Her current partner is attentive and lets her feel her pleasure is important too.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Why can’t I have an orgasm?
— Sexperts share advice on achieving bedroom bliss
If you’ve been worrying, “Why can’t I have an orgasm?” no need to panic—the pros are here to help
“Why can’t I have an orgasm?”
There’s no need to chuck your sex toys in the trash or skip out on a sofa sex adventure. Whether you’re experiencing something psychological or emotional that could be standing in the way of your sexual satisfaction, the pros are here to help you get back on track and revel in a satisfying O.
And, above all, it’s important to remember that the phenomenon isn’t a “make it or break it” deal.
“An orgasm isn’t the be-all and end-all of sex, nor does it define a sexual encounter,” Annabelle Knight, a sex and relationship at Lovehoney (opens in new tab) previously told My Imperfect Life.
That being said, it is still in pretty high demand, so allow the professionals to help walk you through any potential hiccups you might be experiencing.
There isn’t necessarily a clear-cut answer. While medical factors might inhibit some women from achieving orgasm, emotional hurdles might prevent others from having a satisfying experience. Regardless, the first step towards taking back the pleasure is identifying the problem.
“Many people may have anxiety that can interfere with the ability to relax and enjoy the present moment. This can lead to difficulty becoming aroused, achieving orgasm, and performance anxiety,” says sex and relationship expert Melissa Stone.
Though it may seem like everyday stressors wouldn’t be an issue in bed, that anxiety can carry over into your sex life, so it’s crucial to take an extra few steps towards calming your nerves.
“It is important to practice self-care and find healthy ways to manage stress and anxiety such as deep breathing and mindfulness meditation,” Stone says. “Additionally, talking to a therapist can help to explore deeper issues and find ways to cope with and manage them.”
When it comes to physical causes, everybody is different—quite literally. Hormone imbalances, medications and conditions like endometriosis could be contributors to your orgasm’s elusiveness. Another factor we oftentimes overlook is vaginal dryness, so perhaps it’s time to play around with different types of lube. Whatever the case might be, should you believe that the issue is pressing, make an appointment with your doctor. (And have a look at what gynecologists want you to know about your reproductive health.)
Melissa Stone is a sex and relationship expert at Joy Love Dolls, the “world’s leading authority on sexual exploration, adult toys and realistic dolls.
How to get back on track with your big O:
Before going into panic mode, there are methods to consider if you’re looking for that memorable final moment. Pippa Murphy, the sex and relationship expert at condoms.uk, and Stone, break down different remedies to consider.
1. Talk about sex
If you cannot orgasm with a partner, you have to be frank. Talking about sex is the key to making it better and analyzing what works and what might need some fine-tuning.
“Couples that communicate openly and honestly are more likely to maintain a stronger emotional connection, which naturally leads to better sex,” Murphy says.
Should you feel a little bit stressed about sex, you’ll be more relieved once you have an open dialogue.
2. Try using lube
There’s a lot of misconception about lube—don’t think that it can’t help you.
“Whilst many people believe that lube is strictly for those who suffer from dryness during sex, that certainly isn’t the case and can bring a lot of benefits to the bedroom,” Murphy says. “For example, it can enhance pleasure by creating different sensations like a warming or cooling effect wherever it’s applied. Plus, previous studies have shown that lube makes it 50% easier for everyone to orgasm. Need I say more?”
Have more Qs about lube? Don’t worry—we asked them so you don’t have to!
3. Experiment during solo sex
One-on-one time gives you the freedom to do as you please without the fear of judgment from a partner. Solo sex is necessary for you to find out what you like and what you could do without. Plus, the experts say masturbation is the key to women’s most intense orgasms.
4. Switch up positions
Should your go-to move not really feel satisfying, try switching things up. And don’t forget about erogenous zones—Murphy says a little extra attention in these spots will go a long way. (Plenty of sexperts make the case for nipple orgasms.)
5. Try foreplay
“Your brain is wired to experience more pleasure when the anticipation of a reward goes on for a long period, making foreplay even more key to an orgasm,” Murphy says. “So, if you feel that your partner rushes it, take control of the situation and ask them to slow down.”
We’ve rounded up fun foreplay ideas to get the ball rolling.
6. Don’t underestimate kissing
A simple smooch goes a long way. And science says kissing during sex increases the chance for orgasm.
“A study found that couples who kiss for at least six seconds had the most successful relationships. This is because the kiss gives you enough time to get out of your brain and, instead, be in the moment,” Murphy says. “Chances are you may get more sexually stimulated as time goes on, increasing your chances of orgasming.”
7. Stay present
Though at times it’s easier said than done, remember the importance of staying in the moment. Don’t let your thoughts drift.
“Relax and try to enjoy sex. If what goes through your mind during sex isn’t exactly sexy (e.g., “What am I doing wrong?”), it’s easy to lose sight of what matters most — enjoying yourself in the moment,” Murphy says. “So instead of focusing on how things should be or what’s going wrong, try thinking about what feels good and what makes you happy.”
While you’re at it, be sure to have a gander at the best sex tips ever and the 2023 sex trends dominating the bedroom. And again, should the orgasm issue persist, don’t be afraid to seek professional advice from a doctor.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Types of Orgasms and How to Feel Each of Them
— For people with vaginas, there are many different types of orgasms. The most common way of orgasm is through clitoral stimulation. Other types of orgasms include vaginal, anal, and cervical orgasms. Some people have even experienced orgasms from working out and giving birth. Let’s look at the different kinds of orgasms, and the best ways to maximize your chances of experiencing them.
- People with vaginas can experience multiple types of orgasms, including clitoral, vaginal, anal, and cervical orgasms, as well as orgasms from stimulating the breasts and nipples.
- For people with vaginas, the most common way to achieve an orgasm is through stimulation of the external clitoris. Many people are unable to orgasm without clitoral stimulation.
- If you are looking to explore new types of orgasms, set aside some time free of distractions so you can explore your body and find what feels pleasurable to you.
What exactly is an orgasm?
While there isn’t an exact definition of an orgasm, as everyone experiences them slightly differently, most people can agree that an orgasm is the peak of sexual arousal. Orgasms are seen as an intense feeling of physical pleasure, often resulting from the build-up of sexual stimuli.
An orgasm is the third stage in the sexual response cycle. It is characterized by a number of physical symptoms, including:
- Pleasurable feelings in the genitals;
- Increased heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing;
- Involuntary muscles spasms;
- Uterus contractions (for uterus owners);
- Ejaculation (for penis owners);
- Psychological feelings of pleasure.
While these are typical symptoms of an orgasm, it’s important to note that each person experiences them slightly differently.
Are there multiple types of orgasms?
Yes, however, the answer is a little more complicated, particularly for those with vaginas. Anecdotally, people with vaginas speak about experiencing different orgasms, such as clitoral and vaginal. But some research suggests that those who experience vaginal orgasms are doing so as a result of stimulation of the internal parts of the clitoris. The internal bulbs of the clitoris hug the outside of the vagina, so what some people may believe is a vaginal orgasm could be a clitoral orgasm.
Nevertheless, for many people, the sensations of these orgasms feel different and are obtained through different forms of stimulation, that’s why they have different names. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what type of orgasm you experienced or how you got there. All that matters is that it felt good, and you and those around you were safe.
What types of orgasms are there?
Anecdotally, people have experienced many different types of orgasms, with some being more common than others. Below we’ll explore some of the most common types of orgasms and some rarer types.
Clitoral orgasm
The clitoral orgasm is the most common type of orgasm for people with vaginas, with many people unable to orgasm without stimulation of the clitoris. Studies have found that 36.6% of people with vaginas can only orgasm from external clitoral stimulation. A further 36% of people say that while they don’t need external clitoral stimulation to orgasm, the stimulation of the clitoris during sex makes orgasms feel better.
The clitoris is a highly sensitive erogenous zone, with recent research finding that it contains around 10,000 sensory nerve endings. This makes it the go-to place for stimulation for many people. If you’re looking to orgasm from the clitoris, you’re in luck, as it can be stimulated in several ways, including orally, with fingers, or with sex toys.
Vaginal orgasm
While not all people with vaginas can orgasm from stimulation of the vagina, some can. Many different pleasurable spots can be stimulated in the vagina which can lead to orgasms. Many people find stimulation of the top wall of the vagina pleasurable (sometimes referred to as the G-spot). This could be due to its proximity to the external parts of the clitoris that wrap around this section of the vagina.
If you’re looking to orgasm from the vagina, try using a G-spot sex toy that is slightly curved, as this will help reach the specific area of the vagina. You can use the toy yourself or have a partner help you.
Anal orgasm
The anus and rectum also have a host of sensory nerve endings which can make anal play feel incredibly pleasurable, leading to an orgasm. However, unlike the vagina, the anus doesn’t self-lubricate, so a lot of lubrication is needed when stimulating this area. When using sex toys to stimulate the anus, you must use toys with a flared base, as toys without one risk being lost in the rectum and could require surgical removal.
There are many ways to stimulate this area, including stimulating the outside area with a mouth, fingers, or vibrator. Or internal stimulation with anal toys, fingers, or a penis.
Other types of orgasms
- Cervical orgasm. A cervical orgasm is reached through stimulation of the lower part of the cervix, which is located high in the vagina and separates the vagina from the uterus. If you’re looking to orgasm from the cervix, only try stimulating it once you are turned on, as stimulation of this area at other times could feel uncomfortable;
- Nipple orgasm. Some people can orgasm through stimulation of the breasts and nipples. Researchers believe that stimulation of this area may fire up the same part of the brain that lights up during genital stimulation. Orgasms in this area can be achieved through licking, sucking, and caressing the nipple and breasts;
- Sleep orgasm. Many people can experience orgasms in their sleep by having sexually stimulating dreams, with no stimulation of the genitals. While this is more common in people with penises, people with vaginas also experience them. While this type of orgasm is a little harder to achieve, research suggests that it is more common for people who sleep on their stomachs;
- Birth orgasm. While uncommon, some people have reported orgasms during birth, with no direct stimulation to the genitals;
- Coregasm. Another rare form of orgasm, a ‘coregasm’ is a form of orgasm that is experienced when working out, particularly when lifting weights or working out the core. To achieve this kind of orgasm, get to the gym and explore multiple kinds of exercises such as squats, crunches, and pull-ups.
Can you feel all of them simultaneously?
While it may be hard to feel all forms of orgasms at once, it is possible to have what is known as a blended orgasm. A blended orgasm is achieved when stimulating two or more erogenous zones simultaneously to create a more intense and pleasurable orgasm.
This can be done by getting a partner to help you, using multiple sex toys or toys that are designed to stimulate two areas at once, like a rabbit-styled vibrator.
Tips for women looking to experience an orgasm
If you’re new to self-pleasure or haven’t been able to have an orgasm in the past, there are a few steps that you can apply to help you get there.
- Eliminate distractions. Worrying that someone may bust through the door mid-session is a big mood killer, so make sure that your door is locked, your phone is set to silent, and you create a nice and relaxing atmosphere to enjoy yourself in;
- Stay mindful. Another big mood killer is a busy mind. With too many thoughts racing around our heads, we’re unable to listen to our bodies. When exploring pleasure within the body, a clear mind is needed to pick up on what feels good and what doesn’t. To help clear the mind, practice mindfulness or meditation regularly;
- Use toys. The stimulations given by vibrators and other toys can feel great. If you’re having trouble trying to orgasm, try out a few different types of toys, making sure that you have one dedicated to clitoral stimulation;
- Use lube. Wetter is definitely better when it comes to sex. Any form of sex, whether it be solo play or penetration, feels more pleasurable with lubrication. Having sex without it can cause friction and tears, which is unlikely to result in an orgasm;
- Focus on solo play. Focusing on masturbation can help us learn exactly what our bodies like, which is essential for feeling pleasure. During solo play, keep an open mind and get curious while exploring your body.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
An explainer on the female orgasm
— How exactly does it work?
Let’s get that O.
By EVANGELINE POLYMENEAS
Many have looked far and wide in search of the elusive female orgasm. Those who have experienced one from penetrative sex have the power to congregate vulva owners everywhere to tell the tale of how they reached climax. The journey is filled with awkward moments, queefs and repetitive movement but they’ve lived to tell the tale and the rest of us want answers.
There is a myriad of myths surrounding the female orgasm and an oversaturation of misinformation. When I Googled it, millions of results appeared all promising 11 different types of female orgasms. If there are so many options, why is it so hard to get just one?
Too many of my friends answer a resounding ‘no’ to the question of whether they orgasmed during their latest sexual escapade, so I spoke to sex and pleasure coach, Clarke Rose, in an attempt to understand why.
“There is a huge orgasm gap. A lot of people with vulvas aren’t cumming,” Clarke tells me. So it’s a national pleasure emergency. Maybe we just don’t know what we’re searching for, so what is an orgasm exactly?
“An orgasm is such an expansive thing to define,” Clarke says. “I like to think of orgasms in a non-clinical sense as a high index of pleasure for anybody who’s feeling it. Technically speaking, it’s a peak of intense pleasure that sometimes creates altered states of consciousness and is usually accompanied by involuntary rhythmic contractions of the pelvic floor.”
Essentially, euphoria. That sounds all well and good, but what about the other 10 orgasms Google promised? I ask Clarke whether there are different sorts of female orgasms and the answer was not what I was expecting.
“Yes and no. Orgasm can be stimulated from different parts of your body, [for example], some people can have an orgasm from their nipples being stimulated, some from anal sex, others from penetration, but they all achieve the same orgasm. It’s not like you have a vaginal orgasm or a clitoral orgasms. They are all the same thing, they are just being stimulated from a different area.”
Clarke notes that only 30 per cent of women can trigger orgasm from internal stimulation and that percentage doesn’t differentiate between whether the penetration was accompanied by clitoral stimulation or not. She attributes this low percentage to differences in anatomy. “It’s a matter of how much your urethral sponge, which sits right about the G-spot, is sensitive and full of erectile tissue.”
Clarke says we tend to hierarchise female orgasms in ways that we don’t with male orgasms. “For a woman, people ask whether they can cum from their clit, or vagina, or whether they can have a nipple orgasm, whereas with men, no one is asking if they had a blowjob orgasm, or a penetrative orgasm – their orgasms just get to be orgasms.”
Penis owners seem to orgasm so easily, so I wondered if there was a difference between male orgasms and female orgasms. “Anatomically speaking it’s super interesting because a person who has a penis, orgasms for biological reasons,” Clarke explains. “They need to orgasm to ejaculate for the sperm to come out and make a baby.”
She goes on to explain that there is no biological need for females to orgasm. At first, this idea might seem anti-feminist, but Clarke explains that it’s actually quite interesting. “When we were foetuses, we were made up of all the same parts [as males], we [females] just develop differently. People with vulvas got this ability to orgasm because men can, which is a fantastic bonus to our sexuality without the pressure of needing to [orgasm] every time or we fail.”
Despite the lack of biological pressure to orgasm, a lot of vulva owners can’t seem to reach climax with partners but have less of a problem on their own. So what’s the barrier that’s stopping many of us from achieving the big O?
“When we are with somebody, other things come up – maybe we are a little bit self-conscious, or afraid to ask for what we want, or are too focused on our partners,” Clarke explains. “Whereas when we are on our own, we can make whatever weird face we want. A lot of women also use toys to masturbate which makes it really easy. However, when you’re with a partner and they are just using their hand or tongue, it doesn’t compare to whatever eight-speed vibrator you have at home. It can be a bit more difficult for your body and mind to recognise that as a trigger for orgasm.”
Although there are definitely micro reasons that could prevent partner orgasms, women’s orgasms have been repressed at a cultural level as well. “Our culture prioritises male anatomy and male pleasure. We all understand the anatomy of a penis, it’s so drilled into our heads, but we don’t understand the anatomy of a vulva. Historically we have repressed women’s sexuality. We want women to be receptive, polite and pleasing and not cause a big fuss,” explains Clarke.
Men have seen themselves in porn and in sex scenes in film and television ask for what they need sexually and receive it. They have heard the language required to ask, but women haven’t. It seems unnatural to ask for what we want, and Clarke says a lot of men probably don’t know how to listen without their ego getting involved.
“If you can’t orgasm and it’s really stressing you out, you’re not alone. There are a lot of women who can’t. Definitely look into seeing a sexologist or a sex coach if it’s something you want to work on,” says Clarke. The female orgasm is complex and it’s complicated, but we all deserve to reach it if we want to.
“Women put a lot of pressure on themselves to orgasm a certain way,” Clarke says. “Whether you cum with a vibrator, or by your hand, or whether you can cum on your own or with a partner – however you orgasm is valid. Period. Don’t put extra stress on yourself to cum upside down with mind stimulation – however you cum is beautiful.”
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Don’t believe the myth it’s more difficult to satisfy women
By Kathy Lette
So, girls, what would you like for Christmas? I’m sure I speak for most women when I say that top of my wish list is … for all my Christmases to come at once. As if unequal pay isn’t enough to make females fume, apparently we are also suffering a pleasure gap. According to American Professor Elisabeth Lloyd’s analysis of 33 studies on sexuality, three-quarters of females don’t achieve regular vaginal orgasm. Women are also only having one orgasm for every three racked up by blokes.
And don’t believe the myth that it’s more difficult to satisfy women. The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax when flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes. The only women achieving the same Big O rate as men are lesbians. Obviously this is because women do not think that the clitoris is a beach in Crete and appreciate its function as the only part of human anatomy that exists purely for pleasure.
Women also understand that it’s impossible to have Academy Award-winning orgasms without an erotic warm-up. There’s so much emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay? Let’s face it, some blokes can fake a whole damn relationship!
And yet, while research reveals that the average woman requires at least 10 minutes of foreplay, most heterosexual encounters last between three and seven minutes. You don’t have to be Einstein to work out that this amatory calculation can’t add up.
I do all my own research in a detailed, scientific fashion – over cocktails with girlfriends – and what I’ve gleaned is that if a partner does attempt a little half-hearted foreplay, he invariably prods away at the clitoris as though it’s an elevator button and he’s running late for a meeting. It is then a woman is tempted to roll her eyes and grumble, “Just take the stairs.”
Without doubt, what hubbies call a “quickie”, most women would dismiss as premature ejaculation. Do you know the difference between a husband and a toy boy? About three hours.
Of course, mums go off sex because they’re exhausted. If men did more housework, women would have energy for other things. Oh, the orgasmic joy of being made love to by a man who has just vacuumed your entire house!
Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. And yet the female orgasm remains more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump. But new in-depth research (literally) has just discovered that there are three orgasmic varieties on erotic offer for us gals: a “wave”, a “volcano” or an “avalanche”.
James Pfaus, professor of neuroscience at Prague’s Charles University, explains that the names refer to pelvic floor movements during the build-up to orgasm and the release. Apparently, when the female volunteers climaxed, special sensors on their Bluetooth-connected vibrators predominantly showed one of three muscle patterns: wave-like undulations along the lower pelvic floor; an avalanche of contractions from the higher area; or a volcano eruption of exploding tension.
Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. And yet the female orgasm remains more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump.
For the study, 54 women were instructed to self-stimulate and then turn the vibrator off for two minutes after reaching orgasm. This exercise was then repeated over several days in their own homes, which must rate as the best homework assignment ever. (I doubt there’s been digital action like this since Proust wrote all seven volumes, longhand. Perhaps an unexpected upside was the wearing off of fingerprints, meaning they can now also commit the perfect crime?)
Anyway, to conclude this “Kama Sutra For One” experience, the volunteers were also asked to perform a control test in which they inserted the vibrator but did not stimulate themselves. Data was then analysed to reveal that nearly 50 per cent (26 women) enjoyed wave orgasms, while 17 relished avalanches and 11 delighted in volcanoes.
So boys, it’s basically now up to you to do your horizontal homework. Put in enough dedicated practice and your female partner will soon be so pleasured that when she cries out, you won’t be sure whether it’s an orgasm or a demonic possession. Should you share a post-coital cigarette or call an exorcist?
In short, if a woman is happy in bed, she’s going to want to spend a hell of a lot more time in it, with you. And it will be Oh, OH! OHHHH! What a feeling! So here’s to an intensely satisfying holiday season with a very, very happy ending.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
New theory suggests female orgasms are an evolutionary leftover
Having bad sex? Don’t blame yourself or your partner—blame evolution
Billy Crystal may have been shocked when Meg Ryan so effectively—and amusingly—faked an orgasm in a restaurant during the 1989 movie When Harry Met Sally, but surveys suggest only one-third of women are regularly fully aroused during intercourse. And although poor partner performance, psychological issues, or physiological shortfalls are often cited as the reason, two evolutionary biologists now offer a provocative new explanation. In a paper published today, they argue that female orgasm is an evolutionary holdover from an ancient system, seen in some other mammals, in which intercourse stimulated important hormonal surges that drive ovulation.
Humans and other primates don’t need intercourse to trigger ovulation—they evolved to a point where it happens on its own—but the hormonal changes accompanying intercourse persist and fuel the orgasms that make sex more enjoyable, the biologists hypothesize. And because those hormonal surges no longer confer a biological advantage, orgasms during intercourse may be lost in some women. This explanation “takes away a lot of stigma” of underwhelming sexual relations, says one of the authors, Mihaela Pavlićev, of Cincinnati Children’s Hospital in Ohio.
The new work addresses what David Puts, a biological anthropologist at Pennsylvania State University, University Park, calls “one of the most contentious questions in the study of the evolution of human sexuality: whether women’s orgasm has an evolutionary function.” There are more than a dozen theories about the evolution of orgasms, most proposed decades or more ago. They include arguments that women have orgasms because their reproductive machinery has the same origins as those of men, who need to have orgasms to ejaculate sperm. Others think orgasms are an evolutionary novelty that persists because it helps foster loyal partners. Some have proposed that female orgasms induce physiological changes that increase the chances of conception, but there’s no strong evidence that women who have more have increased fecundity.
Orgasm itself may have no evolutionary function, but it is derived from a key part of the reproductive cycle, Pavlićev and her colleague propose today in the Journal of Experimental Zoology Part B: Molecular and Developmental Evolution. Pavlićev didn’t start out studying orgasms. To better understand the evolution of reproduction, she was compiling data on the ovarian cycle in different mammal species. During this cycle, cells destined to become eggs mature, escape from the ovary, and travel down the reproductive tract. She discovered that in some species, environmental factors control egg maturation and subsequent ovulation; in others, such as rabbits, sexual intercourse with a male or even just his presence causes the release of the egg. In either case, a series of changes involving the hormones oxytocin and prolactin are triggered that cause the egg to mature and migrate. In humans and other primates, the ovulatory cycle has become spontaneous, generally on a set schedule that requires neither an environmental trigger nor a male. Pavlićev then realized that women still undergo the same hormonal changes as species with induced ovulation, but during orgasm.
To see whether induced ovulation was the evolutionary predecessor of orgasms—in a similar way that fins were ancestral to limbs—she and Günter Wagner, an evolutionary biologist from Yale University, first needed to see whether induced ovulation predated spontaneous ovulation in evolutionary history. Their literature search showed that environmental- and male-induced ovulation are found in earlier evolving mammals and spontaneous ovulation appears in later species, including our own. They also noticed another change. In earlier mammals, the clitoris, which is so often key to a woman’s orgasm, tends to be part of the vagina—guaranteeing that intercourse stimulated this organ and kick-started ovulation. But in later arising species, particularly primates, the clitoris has moved ever farther away from the vagina, even out of reach of an inserted penis. “A shift in the position of the clitoris is correlated with the loss of intercourse-induced ovulation,” says Martin Cohn, an evolutionary developmental biologist at the University of Florida in Gainesville. “Their hypothesis shifts the focus of the research question from the evolutionary origin of orgasm as an evolutionary novelty, which has long been presumed but not demonstrated, to the evolutionary modification of an ancestral character.”
Pavlićev and Wagner’s theory helps explain why female orgasms during intercourse are relatively rare. “It is new to use [this] innovative, Darwinian approach to understand one of the mysteries of human sexuality—why the male orgasm is warranted, easy-to-reach, and strictly related to reproduction and the female counterpart [is] absolutely not,” says Emmanuele Jannini, an endocrinologist at University of Rome Tor Vergata. The nonnecessity of orgasms for reproduction may also explain why women’s reproductive tracts vary a lot more than men’s—there are fewer constraints, he adds.
Jannini and others point out, however, that this theory needs more confirmation. So far, it deals only with the parallels between the hormonal surges in females during male-induced ovulation and orgasm, but has not looked to see whether there are also parallels in the neurological components of these activities, says Elisabeth Lloyd, a philosopher of science at Indiana University, Bloomington, who was not involved with this work. And because it’s so difficult to assess whether other mammals feel the pleasure associated with orgasms, the work can only ever address the evolution of some of the components of female orgasm, Puts notes.
Others more strongly criticized the new explanation. Two behavioral neuroendocrinologists, Michael Baum from Boston University and Kim Wallen from Emory University in Atlanta, tell Science that Pavlićev and Wagner misinterpret some previously published results and do not have the details about the hormonal changes during ovulation and orgasm correct. “Their hypothesis remains a good hypothesis,” Wallen says. “But I’m not very convinced by the data they marshal.”
Lloyd says the work drives home how much more we need to learn about female sexuality in other organisms. Wagner and Pavlićev concede that more data are needed to firm up their theory, though for now they have no plans to follow up themselves. Cohn predicts others will pick up the baton. “Pavlićev and Wagner have taken a fascinating, creative, and thoughtful approach to a problem that has been investigated by many but resolved by few,” he says. “I suspect that many investigators will be stimulated to further test the hypotheses raised in this paper.”
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Oh Cum On
— Why Are Men Having More Orgasms Than Women in Heterosexual Relationships?
By Nicole Andrejek
Sex researchers consistently find that men are having far more orgasms than women when it comes to heterosexual sexual encounters.
This is called the gender gap in orgasms, or the orgasm gap. There are many myths and assumptions about why women orgasm less. Some of the more popular ones are that women take too much time to reach orgasm, women don’t actually care about having an orgasm, that getting a woman to orgasm takes more work and they’re harder to please.
But are women’s orgasms really too much work and, if not, why is this belief so prevalent?
Insights from the ‘Sex in Canada’ project
I recently published a study alongside sociologists Tina Fetner and Melanie Heath that questions these assumptions about women’s ability and desire to orgasm.
We used data from our nationally representative Sex in Canada survey to establish that there is a gender gap in orgasms — 86 per cent of cisgender men reported having an orgasm in their most recent heterosexual sexual encounter, compared to 62 per cent of cisgender women.
What reduced the gap among our sample? Oral sex.
The notion that women generally require some form of clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm has been documented by a number of sexualities researchers, but what’s unclear is why the gap persists despite knowing the importance of clitoral stimulation for women.
To understand this discrepancy, we conducted in-depth interviews with adult men and women across Canada to examine the underlying beliefs and feelings that deters couples from engaging in the types of sexual activities that would make it more likely for women to reach orgasm.
The role of gender essentialism
One of the reigning myths that helps maintain the orgasm gap is that there are inherent gender differences for why men and women have sex. Women are expected to inherently desire emotional connection and men are expected to inherently need physical release.
So feeling emotionally connected to one’s partner and whether women orgasm become mutually exclusive. This way of thinking isn’t new or isolated to the bedroom.
These explanations are what social scientists call “gender essentialism” — the belief that there are natural, biological and physical differences between men and women.
Gender essentialist beliefs have been used to justify a variety of gender inequalities, for example, those that attempt to solidify traditional gender distinctions that women belong in the home and men belong in workforce.
If we took essentialist beliefs at face value, it would seem that women simply don’t want to orgasm since they require emotional connection over sexual pleasure. But is it really the case that women don’t want to orgasm during partnered sex with men?
Our research suggests that these beliefs about women’s orgasms have less to do with women’s inherent inability or lack of desire to orgasm, and more to do with the way gender norms shape and limit expectations.
The role of heteronormativity
The orgasm gap is not just about gender, it’s also about heteronormativity. Our participants defined “regular sex” as penile-vaginal intercourse. This definition means that our participants see sex as being centred on stimulation of the penis, rather than the clitoris.
Our study shows that heteronormative conception of “regular sex” results in other sexual practices that prioritize clitoral stimulation — like oral sex — as alternative sexual practices to the main event.
It also means that other sexual practices feel like extra work, separate, time-consuming and challenging, despite supporting women’s likelihood of achieving orgasm.
Bad feelings about potentially great sex for women
A consequence of the belief that sex is about “emotional connection” for women, and defining what it means to “have sex” as penile-vaginal intercourse, is that it limits the types of sexual practices women engage in, and these beliefs shape the feelings women have about other types of sexual practices.
For instance, some of our participants described other sexual practices, especially oral sex, as unnatural, bad or dirty.
As succinctly exemplified by our participant, Kathy: “I don’t do oral sex. It can be very pleasurable, but it feels wrong, it just makes me feel dirty.”
Women’s bad feelings about engaging in the types of sex that might bring them more physical pleasure shows the strength of the sexual double standard in which women are judged more harshly than men and taught to self-regulate their sexual desires and behaviours.
Putting sex on the agenda for gender equality
Beliefs about women’s bodies, what women want from sex and what it means to have sex in the first place all help justify why women aren’t reaching orgasm when having sex with men.
Fights for gender equality have tackled and refuted many gender essentialist beliefs, and yet the longstanding orgasm gap shows how gender essentialist beliefs still have a strong hold on the domain of heterosexual sexual encounters.
The orgasm gap highlights the ways in which gender inequality emerges even in the most seemingly private and personal encounters in heterosexual relationships.
Like other gender gaps, it is important to continue pushing past individual explanations and understand the gender gap in orgasms as a form of gender inequality.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Faking Your Orgasms Is Messing With Your Relationship
— Here’s How
“Did you orgasm?”
Many of us have been hit with that awkward question, and I’ll admit that I’ve found it easier to just say yes sometimes. Having an uncomfortable conversation about my sexual satisfaction isn’t how I want to end most nights.
Eventually, I found it easier to just pretend, and my partners stopped asking. These little white lies seemed harmless at first, but the lack of communication was hurting my sex life, and my less-than-ideal sex life was tanking my relationships.
And I know I’m not alone here: One 2019 study found well over half of women have faked an orgasm at least once before.
Why fake an orgasm?
It’s no secret that society hasn’t always valued female pleasure, but why do women feel the need to pretend instead of being honest about their sexual experience?
The aforementioned study found that 59% of women had faked orgasms, and 55% said they wanted to talk about sex with their partner but decided not to. Here are some common reasons why:
- 42% said they didn’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings.
- 40% weren’t comfortable going into detail.
- 38% were embarrassed.
I’ve also had clients and friends confess that failing to orgasm led to a conversation that felt like a chore. One client had started antidepressants – which can make it difficult to have an orgasm – and couldn’t consistently achieve orgasm for the first couple of months. This upset her boyfriend, who insisted on trying to solve the “problem,” even though she said she was enjoying her sex life. Eventually, she started faking orgasms so she wouldn’t have to talk about it. Her partner wanted to communicate, but he wasn’t listening to the fact that she was sexually satisfied without orgasms as she got used to her medication.
Our partners (men especially) sometimes stake their egos on our sexual satisfaction. We know this, so we often fake it to avoid making them feel like sexual failures. In other cases, our partners simply don’t care whether or not we orgasm or don’t consider it at all, and it’s easier to fake it since they won’t listen to our suggestions.
Perhaps the most frustrating reason is that our partners simply don’t understand our orgasms. It’s not any more difficult for a woman to orgasm than a man, but it usually takes more than vaginal intercourse.
No two women are the same either. Several of my female partners have had to help me help them cum, and vice versa. Sometimes it just feels easier to fake it than to try and explain your unique sexual sensations to another person.
Why you need to stop faking orgasms.
If you “fake it ‘til you make it” … you’ll never make it.
Faking orgasms is a slippery slope that never leads to a positive outcome. Even in one-night stands (unless you fear for your safety), it doesn’t help either of you to fake an orgasm.
Why?
1. You’re committing to lackluster sex.
By faking orgasms, you’re conditioning your partner to be sexually incompatible with you. If you act pleased with what they’re doing, why would they change?
2. You’re associating your partner with sexual dissatisfaction.
You may not think it’s important at the moment, but our experiences with people sink into our subconscious minds. As you associate your partner with dissatisfaction, you’ll steadily begin to feel more distant, and it will be even more difficult to enjoy sex. Even worse, it can disconnect your mind from your sensations, making it harder to orgasm in general.
3. It’s a form of lying.
It may seem harmless, but ask yourself: why don’t you trust your partner with this conversation? Why aren’t you comfortable with this conversation? Plus, your partner might already know you’re faking orgasms and be bottling up their own dissatisfaction.
4. It’ll be hard to change things down the road.
Like any lie, it’s hard to dig yourself out of. Once you decide to ask them to change their sexual behaviors, they’ll begin to wonder if they’ve been satisfying you up to that point.
5. It builds the expectation of an orgasm every time, which isn’t always realistic.
We need to normalize the fact that, regardless of gender, not all people will orgasm during sex every time. It could be anxiety, stress, physical ailment, medication, or any number of reasons that prevent an orgasm. On occasion, this is normal, and we shouldn’t be treating it like a sexual failure on either side.
6. It may signal a larger issue in the relationship.
As a sex therapist, I say this every chance I get. If you don’t feel safe expressing discomfort or displeasure during sex, then your relationship is not healthy, and you need to get out. Even if you believe it will lead to an argument, defensiveness, or verbal abuse – run.
Sex isn’t “just sex.” It’s an intimate part of your relationship that carries as much weight as any other part. If your sex life isn’t healthy, then your relationship isn’t healthy. Before we get into fixing your sex life, it’s important to make sure that you have a partner who’s open to communication and cares about your satisfaction and well-being.
For example, I had a client who never orgasmed with her partner because he refused to let her be on top. He simply didn’t like it, felt it was emasculating, and didn’t care whether or not she was satisfied. She faked orgasms to placate him, but it wouldn’t have mattered either way. The relationship was toxic, and having better sex wasn’t going to fix it.
As we start to talk about coming clean, the assumption is that your partner cares about you, treats you as an equal, and is willing to listen and communicate.
How to come clean.
If you’re deep in the faker game, it can feel near-impossible to stop. The best way to bring authenticity back to your sex life is to try a solution that’s proportionate to the problem. This means bringing back honest sex in the same measure that you let it go.
If you’ve only faked a few orgasms:
It’s best to just let the cat out of the bag. Try not to surprise your partner with this information during sex; rather, let them know you want to talk about it and set aside time.
It will likely be an uncomfortable conversation, but it clears the air and sets an honest tone for sex afterward. Explain what you do like about having sex with them, what you don’t like, and what you would like to add.
Ask them how they’re feeling about sex too. Are they enjoying it? Do they want to try different things?
If you’ve been faking it for a long time:
Try gradually changing the tone of your sex life. Let your partner know you want to communicate more. Don’t be afraid to stop during sex and switch positions, ask your partner to do something, or use toys.
What needs to change:
Maybe you’re unsure how to reach orgasm together and need to do a little research – which is also a great tactic if you feel like your partner is unsatisfied. Ultimately, you and your partner will feel better when you like what each other likes.
It’s also important to set expectations. Many of us don’t orgasm from internal stimulation, but our partners can’t know that unless we tell them. There are also times when one of you won’t be able to orgasm, but still want to have sex. It’s okay to tell your partner this.
However, if you’re rarely or never able to reach orgasm, that may be indicative of a larger problem, and you may need to talk with a doctor or experiment with other forms of stimulation.
The takeaway.
You have the right to be satisfied.
While it can sometimes feel easier to fake an orgasm, you’re not doing yourself or your partner any favors. You have just as much right to sexual satisfaction as your partner, and they deserve a fair shot at pleasing you.
We fake orgasms to keep other people happy because society tells us their happiness is more important than our sexuality, but it isn’t. Never cheat yourself of a healthy sex life just because someone else wants you to smile and look happy.
It’s never too late to start talking about sex openly and honestly, and it’s never a bad thing to try.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Anorgasmia
— The reason why you find it difficult to orgasm
Understanding why you find it difficult to orgasm is key to finding a solution.
By Ashley Jones
TV shows especially romcoms make it look like orgasm is a given for everyone who engages in sex. But for a lot of people, reaching the peak of sexual pleasure is not an experience they often get during intercourse. If you have difficulty climaxing regardless of how much sexual stimulation you get, you might have a condition called anorgasmia.
What is anorgasmia?
It is a well established fact that the frequency and intensity of orgasms vary from one person to the other, so is the type of stimulation needed to get people off. According to Mayo Clinic, anorgasmia may be responsible for some people, especially women, not having orgasm during sex.
Anorgasmia is delayed, infrequent or absent orgasms — or significantly less-intense orgasms — after sexual arousal and adequate sexual stimulation. Women who have problems with orgasms and who feel significant distress about those problems may be diagnosed with anorgasmia.
The emphasis here is on the word ‘distress’. So, for a diagnosis of anorgasmia to be made, a person who is unable to orgasm may also exhibit feelings of frustration, self-doubt, shame, inadequacy and anger, according to Healthline.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Edition (DSM-5), states that people can be diagnosed with anorgasmia if they experience significant ‘delay in, infrequency of, or absence of orgasm’ during at least 75% of sexual intercourse for a minimum of six months. Certified sex therapist Diana Urman, Ph.D. explains:
…generally speaking, any difficulties with achieving orgasm over a short or extended period of time can be called anorgasmia without having a medical professional to diagnose it.
Without seeking medical examination, you can tell if you have the condition based on these factors listed in an article on MindBodyGreen:
- Consider whether you’ve ever had an orgasm: If you orgasm during certain situations like masturbation, oral sex or sex with other partners, then an absence of an orgasm could be situational.
- Consider the breadth of your sexual experiences: what form of stimulation do you require, what positions do you find enjoyable, what type of sex gets you off (rough, sensual or tantric sex)?
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
How to have a blended orgasm
BY Grace Baldwin
Double the fun.
The first vibrator I ever owned was bought for me by my best friend. Still living at home, the idea of my parents intercepting the delivery of my sexy online package made me want to shrivel up and claim a life as a hermit. Truth be told, they wouldn’t have cared – but all the same, it was an awkward moment I was eager to avoid if I could.
So, my best friend ordered me the Womanizer Starlet and discreetly handed it over when we met for a walk. The whole deal felt very illicit and adult, but also paradoxically childish – meeting in the park to pick up a sex toy I didn’t want my parents to know about.
It’s safe to say from that point, I very quickly learned new things about my body and what it was capable of. My standards of sexual satisfaction increased dramatically, and to this day I’ve recommended the Starlet to many of my friends.
Further down the track, I heard about the blended orgasm and was instantly intrigued. I’d read about them on the sexologist Chantelle Otten’s Instagram and had some questions – I also wanted to get in on the fun. I turned to Christine Rafe, sexual wellness expert for Womanizer, to help me achieve the sacred blended orgasm.
What even is a blended orgasm?
“When we use the term ‘blended orgasm’, we’re usually talking about both external clitoral stimulation and internal vaginal stimulation that results in an orgasm,” Christine explains.
“But really, a blended orgasm can be anything that’s using more than one source of stimulation. So, that could be nipple and clitoris, it could be penis and anus – basically, it’s an orgasm that happens while stimulation is occurring in more than one place.”
How should I prepare if I want to have a blended orgasm?
“If you haven’t had an orgasm before – let alone a blended orgasm – I usually suggest doing some solo play… when you’re on your own you can remove the mental blockers and barriers that might exist [when] another person is involved,” she tells me.
“We can get stressed about the superficial things, like how we look, or what noises we make, or the positions we’re in. When you’re alone, you can really get in tune with your body and your physical sensations… being present with your body is really key in having any type of orgasm.”
How do I have one – either on my own or with a partner?
Christine told me the best option for people wanting to hit up some solo play time is a dual-stimulation vibrator, like the Womanizer Duo or the We-Vibe Nova 2.
“Any toy that pleasures you both externally and internally is typically a safe bet, like something with a clitoral suction as well as a vibrator that presses against the G-spot. Alternatively, you might want to use a dildo or an internal vibrator and use your hands on the clitoris,” Christine says.
She said whether you’re alone or with a partner, it’s important to slow it down. “Try massages or some teasing – this could also include alternating between the erogenous zones before focusing on the ones you want to stimulate for orgasm.”
How do I know if I’ve actually had a blended orgasm rather than a clitoral one?
Most people find it easier to have an external clitoral orgasm rather than an internal one, Christine explains to me. Usually, it’s because we’re not aroused enough – which can make it hard to access internal sensitivity.
“Orgasm is such a unique experience from person to person, so it’s difficult to describe exactly how it feels. However, there are ways to make achieving that dual orgasm more likely.”
Slow it down!
“The most important thing is to really get warmed up first [rather than] just grabbing the vibrator straight away,” Christine advises. “If you orgasm easily, slow down and take your time to make sure your whole body is relaxed and in the mood. That way, you can follow your own pleasure without over-stimulating yourself too quickly.”
Christine recommends trying internal stimulation alone before adding the clitoral stimulation to get an idea of how it feels. “Most vulva owners can have a clitoral orgasm without being turned on beforehand. But with internal stimulation, the whole clitoris – meaning the legs in the wishbone shape of the clitoris – need to be engorged and aroused in order to have an internal orgasm,” she says. “The best thing you can do is slow down, rather than rush to get to the orgasm.”
Can people with penises have blended orgasms?
According to Christine, absolutely. “The most typical dual orgasm for a penis owner would be penis and anus. They have a whole heap of nerve endings on the tip of the penis, but there is also the entire male G-spot – the prostate. This is accessed through internal stimulation of the anus.”
She added that in some ways, accessing a blended orgasm is actually easier for a person with a penis than a vulva owner. “Physiologically, it takes longer to warm up a clitoris than it does to warm up a penis and the prostate. It can enlarge or become more sensitive if you’re really aroused, but the prostate has nerve endings that you can access whether you’re aroused or not.”
Any other tips?
Christine said beyond concentrating on the physical side of orgasm, the mindset is crucial. “People getting stressed or in their head about [orgasming] is predominantly where you see issues,” she says.
“It’s usually because there’s a lot of focus on getting there… the more we focus on it, the less likely it is to happen. Follow your pleasure cues in the moment and consider, ‘What can I do to make this feel better?’ rather than ‘Am I there yet?’.”
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
The 10 types of orgasms people with vulvas can have
by Nikki Thorburn
The different types and how to experience them.
As you’re probably aware, orgasms feel amazing. You’ve probably got your spots, positions, strokes, touches and caresses that you know will get you there; to the pinnacle, to the peak.
But what if there was a whole horizon you hadn’t yet explored? What if there were orgasms you didn’t realise your body was capable of?
What is an orgasm?
Before we begin, let’s be clear about what we’re talking about when we say ‘orgasm’. Dr Sheryl A Ross, an obstetrician and gynaecologist, describes an orgasm as a “physical reflex that occurs when muscles tighten during sexual arousal and then relax through a series of rhythmic contractions”.
Many orgasms centre on the vagina only, while others induce that profound intensity in places you’d never considered as erogenous zones. Research suggests that physiologically speaking, all orgasms trigger the same physical experience, no matter what ‘type’ we’re talking about.
As well as this physical experience, orgasms provide an emotional release and even lead to altered states of consciousness. They increase dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine, and testosterone levels which “improve our moods and cognition, and diminish anxiety and stress responses”, says Monica Grover, an obstetrician and gynaecologist at New York’s VSpot. Let’s take a closer look at 10 different kinds of orgasms and how people with vulvas can experience them.
Clitoral orgasm
The clitoral orgasm is caused by stimulation of the clitoris, which is known as the pleasure centre of the vulva seated at the top of the vaginal opening. It’s densely packed with nerve endings, (like the penis) but unlike the penis, it doesn’t play a central role in reproduction – it’s just there to make you feel good!
How to have a clitoral orgasm
Stimulating the external part of the clitoris with a finger, tongue, or vibrator is the way to achieve a clitoral orgasm. Sex therapist Janet Wolfe suggests going solo at first, as masturbation allows you to explore what works for you, and then better direct your sexual partner.
G-spot orgasm
You’ve probably heard of the elusive G-spot and its potential in providing you with an earth-shattering vaginal orgasm. The confusing thing about the G-spot we need to be clear about is this – it’s not a distinct part of your anatomy, but rather it’s part of your clitoral network (basically, when you’re stimulating the G-spot, you’re stimulating part of the clitoris).
Researchers say the G-spot may be located on the front wall of the vagina but it varies a lot from woman to woman which explains why it’s so difficult to locate. Once stimulated though, it can cause female ejaculation and that earth-shattering vaginal orgasm we’ve all dreamt of.
How to have a G-spot orgasm
Finding the G-spot can be difficult so experts encourage discovery through self-exploration first. Begin by massaging the opening of your vagina before inserting your fingers or a sex toy and lifting either fingers or the sex toy upward towards your belly button in a ‘come hither’ motion.
Sex therapist Dr Wendasha Jenkins-Hall emphasises that there’s no ‘button’ you’re trying to reach, but rather it’s about being open and curious as to what feels good for you and your body in that area.
Exercise-induced orgasm or ‘coregasm’
Yes, this is real and yes, it’s an orgasm caused by exercise, particularly weight training, cardio and abdominal-focused exercise. Suddenly that gym membership sounds a whole lot more appealing, huh?
Described as ‘less intense’ but still pleasurable by those who’ve experienced it, it happens as a result of contracting the pelvic floor muscles when you engage your muscles to stabilise the core. The sensation will mostly be felt in the lower abdominals, inner thighs, or pelvis.
How to have a coregasm
While experts have suggested that coregasms often happen by accident, there are certain things you can do to increase your likelihood of having one. Using mindfulness to bring awareness to your body during exercise can increase your chances of having a coregasm during a workout.
Focusing your workout on strengthening the core and incorporating Kegel exercises can also greatly increase your chances, as well as doing 20 to 30 minutes of cardio at the start of your workout which can lead to greater sexual arousal.
Sleep orgasm
You’ve probably all had a sensual dream before but did you know that it’s possible to have an orgasm while sleeping? Yep, a full-blown orgasm while you’re not even awake.
Experts suggest that sleep orgasms start with an erotic dream which causes deep relaxation and increased blood flow to the genitals which increases psychogenic arousal. According to scientific research, around 37 per cent of women will experience sleep orgasms by the age of 45.
How to have a sleep orgasm
Experts have suggested that sleeping on your stomach can lead to a greater chance of achieving a sleep orgasm. This position of sleeping triggers more clitoral stimulation and is associated with an increase in vivid dreams.
Going to bed thinking about sex and sexual fantasies has also been suggested as a way to increase your chances as well as touching your nipples before bed to increase arousal.
The blended orgasm
If one orgasm wasn’t enough then how about double the pleasure with a blended orgasm? This happens when the clitoral and vaginal orgasm occurs simultaneously, through vaginal penetration and stimulation of the external glans of the clitoris. It’s been known to last from one to 15 minutes, climaxing in what researchers have called, a ‘giant’ orgasm.
How to have a blended orgasm
Dr Jane Greer, a New York-based marriage and sex therapist suggests that the woman-on-top position can be a great way to achieve blended orgasms as the woman is able to be in full control of the spots receiving attention. The missionary position can also be effective for a blended orgasm because the woman’s clitoris is also being rubbed through penetration.
The skin orgasm
Ever had that feeling of getting ‘goosebumps’ or ‘chills’ while listening to your favourite song or piece of music? Well, you’ve probably experienced a skin orgasm or a ‘frisson’. A study published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology describes a ‘frisson’ as “a musically induced effect associated with a pleasant tingling feeling”.
Researchers believe that these sensations are caused by sudden or unexpected changes in the music – key changes, unexpected harmonies and peaks in loudness and they aren’t localised to any one region of the body.
How to have a skin orgasm
Classical music in particular is specifically linked to this phenomenon, however, researchers suggest that you are far more likely to have physical reactions to music that’s familiar to you. So, what we suggest – find a quiet space where you won’t be disturbed, get those headphones out, press play on your favourite song and let the skin titillation begin.
Anal orgasm
Now while anal may not be everyone’s go-to position, in folks with vaginas, the anus and rectum’s close proximity to the nerve-dense pelvic floor area and internal clitoris, can lead to what experts describe as a pretty amazing orgasm.
The anal penetration stimulates the A-spot in the vagina, which is located about five or six inches inside the vagina and is particularly nerve dense, which heightens the intensity of the anal orgasm.
How to have an anal orgasm
Experts suggest that being relaxed and aroused is key to anal penetration. Tips include taking a hot bath before anal play which will loosen tight muscles and increase blood flow to your erogenous zones.
Practising with a butt plug can also give you a good feel for anal play before trying it with your partner, as well as making sure you use a lot of lube – in fact, experts say that when it comes to anal, there’s no such thing as too much lube.
Nipple orgasm
The nipple orgasm is caused by stimulation of the nipple, which is an erogenous zone. In fact, each nipple has hundreds of nerve endings, making them super sensitive and a great way to induce pleasure with enough stimulation. It’s been described as something that happens quite gradually and then explodes into a powerful climax that comes in waves. Sounds pretty sexy, right?
How to have a nipple orgasm
Experts suggest that self-exploration with your nipples is the best way to achieve a nipple orgasm. Take your time to play with your nipples and breasts and figure out what feels good for you. Using fingers, oils, clamps and nipple vibrators can ramp up the stimulation as can exploring other erogenous zones like the clitoris simultaneously.
Squirting orgasm
Yep, in case you wondering, female ejaculation is absolutely a thing! Squirting is a form of ejaculation where a fluid, found to have similar chemical properties to urine as well as semen, is released from the vulva during orgasm. According to one study in 2017, 69 per cent of women have experienced it and it’s believed that anyone with a vagina is able to squirt.
How to have a squirting orgasm
Experts suggest the key to squirting is being relaxed and in the mood because squirting involves such a big release. In order to squirt, the vagina and vulva need to be at peak arousal so it’s important to take things slow, suggests AASECT-certified sex therapist Dr Jenni Skyler.
Stimulation of the G-spot is also central to squirting as well as learning to control the pelvic floor muscles and knowing when to contract and release. Using lube and being open to getting messy is also key.
Cervical orgasm
The cervical orgasm is induced by stimulation of or the pressing against the cervix, which is the neck of tissue that joins the top of the vagina to the lower part of the uterus. Deep penetration is needed to stimulate the cervix, which is why being intentional about how to reach a cervical orgasm is key.
How to have a cervical orgasm
Experts emphasise that it’s important to take it slow and make sure that you are relaxed and aroused. Foreplay is key as is communication with your partner about what feels good. Positions such as doggie style, which allow for deep penetration, are known to be the best for having a cervical orgasm.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
How to use Kegels to orgasm harder, boost sensation, and increase lubrication
By Kelly Burch
- Kegels can benefit your sex life by increasing sensation, lubrication, and the ability to orgasm.
- They also can help strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, which helps prevent vaginal prolapse.
- To do kegels, contract and release the muscles you use to stop the flow of urine.
If you’re looking to enhance your sex life, there may be a solution that you can do any time, anywhere: kegel exercise. Kegel exercises engage your pelvic floor muscles. They can keep you healthy and may even make your sex life more fulfilling says sexologist and sexuality educator Lawrence Siegel, who works with couples and individuals to enhance their sex lives.
While doing Kegels won’t make you a better lover, they may make it easier for people with a vagina to orgasm, Siegel says. They may help the 10%-15% of women who have never had an orgasm, and others who find it difficult to orgasm.
And it’s not just people with a vagina who can reap the benefits of Kegels — birth-assigned males can also experience heightened sexual pleasure from strengthening their pelvic floor Siegel says.
Here’s why they are beneficial and how to do them.
The benefits of Kegels for people with a vagina
Kegels have the most benefit for people with a vagina.
1. Make your pelvic floor stronger
“Kegel exercises are a simple and effective way to strengthen those pelvic floor muscles, which support the uterus, bladder, and bowel,” says Dr. Sherry Ross, an OB-GYN and author of “She-ology: The Definitive Guide to Women’s Intimate Health.”
The pelvic floor includes the levator ani, coccygeus, and pubococcygeal (PC) muscle, the ones you use to stop the flow of urine. These muscles act like a hammock or sling supporting the internal organs in the pelvis — but they often weaken with age, especially in people who have given birth vaginally.
Strengthening these muscles can help you avoid:
- Incontinence, or the inability to hold pee or poop until you make it to the toilet.
- Pain during sex
- Vaginal prolapse, a condition where the vagina muscles weaken and sag into the vaginal canal.
- Pelvic floor dysfunction, or the inability to control your pelvic floor muscles.
2. Increase sensation and lubrication
Kegels can boost blood flow to the pelvis, which increases sensation and lubrication of the vagina. Many people find that increased lubrication increases pleasure for both partners during sex.
In addition, Kegels help prevent pelvic floor dysfunction. Women with pelvic floor dysfunction often have lower sexual satisfaction, fewer orgasms, and lower libido. Researchers can’t say exactly why, but it may be because conditions like prolapse or incontinence make it difficult to get in the mood.
3. Strengthen orgasm for both partners
Learning to activate the pelvic floor muscles allows you to contract them during sex.
Squeezing your pelvic muscles in the buildup to orgasm may help you experience a more powerful sensation when you come, says Ross. During orgasm, muscles throughout the body pulse and release involuntarily. Adding to this with kegels can make the sensation more intense.
It can also boost pleasure for your partner: “When a woman does Kegels during vaginal intercourse, the pelvic floor muscles contract on the penis — enhancing his sexual experience as well,” Ross says.
4. Make pelvic exams less painful
Relaxing the muscles during a Kegel is equally important as contracting. Learning to relax can reduce your risk of pain during sex or painful pelvic exams by letting you open the vagina more fully, says Harris.
Kegel benefits for people with a penis
Keeping the pelvic floor healthy is important for people with a penis too.
Kegels can help with male incontinence. This is especially important for people who have had prostate surgery, who often experience incontinence.
Doing Kegels regularly can also improve sexual experience for people with a penis. This is because Kegels increase blood flow to the groin and penis, which can boost sensation and may help combat erectile dysfunction (ED).
Unfortunately, there’s limited research in this area. A small 2005 study found that men with ED who performed Kegels in addition to making lifestyle changes had fewer ED symptoms than a control group. A small 2020 study suggested that kegels may be helpful for ED when they’re done long term.
“While Kegel exercises are primarily associated with women, many men can get similar benefits from doing them,” Siegel says.
How to get started with doing Kegels
Before you can do Kegels, you need to understand the muscles that you’re trying to activate.
How to find your pelvic floor muscles
The easiest way to find your pelvic floor muscles is to imagine that you’re urinating. From there, try to stop the imaginatory stream by contracting your PC muscles, says Ross. This works for both males and females. Try to tighten those muscles without tightening your legs, abs, or glutes.
People with a vagina can take a more hands-on approach to feeling their pelvic floor muscles, Ross says:
- Insert two fingers into your vagina.
- Contract your PC muscles, which you would use to stop the flow of urine.
- As they contract, feel a light squeeze on your fingers.
- Relax fully, and feel the grip on your fingers loosen.
People with a penis can find their pelvic floor muscles by trying to tighten their rectum. It’s the same movement that you might use if you’re trying to hold in a fart.
How to do Kegels
Once you’ve isolated your pelvic floor muscles, the foundation of doing Kegels is the same for all genders.
Here’s how to do them.
1. Empty your bladder. As you become more accustomed to doing Kegels you’ll be able to do them anywhere, anytime, but it’s best not to do them with a full bladder since that can strain your muscles.
2. Contract your PC muscles. Hold for 3-5 seconds when you first start. Build toward the goal of holding for ten seconds.
3. Relax your muscles entirely. Keep them relaxed for the same length of time that you held them tight.
4. Repeat this 10-15 times, three times a day. “The key to Kegels is consistency and regularity, doing them several times a day,” Siegel says.
After you’ve mastered that, try flutter Kegels, Ross says. With this variation, you contract and relax the muscles quickly, rather than holding the contraction. Do this for 30 seconds.
When you’re performing Kegels, keep these tips in mind:
- Breath normally. Don’t hold your breath.
- Keep your abs, thighs and butt relaxed. This helps isolate the pelvic floor muscles.
- Find a regular time to do Kegels each day, like while at stop lights or while brushing your teeth.
Insider’s takeaway
Kegel exercises teach you how to contract and relax your pelvic floor muscles. This helps you build a strong pelvic floor which can help with things like incontinence and sexual satisfaction.
Kegels are convenient because they can be done discreetly anywhere, at any time. Anyone can benefit from them, and they’re safe for everyone. The most challenging part about them is working them into your daily routine consistently.
“There are absolutely no downsides to doing Kegel exercises,” says Ross. “Once you learn how to do them correctly, Kegels should be a permanent part of your daily routine.”
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