Tag: Sex Education

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“Pleasure is Holy”

— How These Latinas Broke Free From Purity Culture

By Jessica Hoppe

The story of how I lost my virginity — a tale I long held onto — was a lie. A fiction as false as the construct itself, I fabricated the narrative to please my boyfriend. Before we got together, he expressed that my chastity was one of the most appealing qualities I possessed. His previous girlfriend had not been a virgin, and he resented not having been her first. Sloppy seconds, the boys called it. Although I became sexually active with him, I’d done it once before, a fact that I clearly needed to keep secret if I wanted him to pick me.

This double standard barely registered to me as a teen. Though premarital sex was not allowed, it was normal for men to have sex before marriage. Raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, a sect of US evangelical Christianity, my mother hoped the religion would safeguard her daughters against the violence she’d endured — a common response to abuse and gender discrimination. In reality, however, organized religion often uses fear to control our bodies, corrupting natural rites of passage through an anti-pleasure philosophy.

Over a decade of affiliation, I watched as the church judged and punished dozens of women for acting upon their desires. The men who did the same didn’t face any humiliation or consequences. Sequestered behind closed doors for hours, girls had no choice but to answer to a tribunal of elders — three or four self-appointed, middle-aged white men — who, through an intimately inappropriate line of questioning and based on the rumors they had heard about each girl’s behavior, assessed her level of repentance. From what I saw, the tribunal never believed any of the women or girls were contrite. 

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“Raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, a sect of US evangelical Christianity, my mother hoped the religion would safeguard her daughters against the violence she’d endured — a common response to abuse and gender discrimination. In reality, however, organized religion often uses fear to control our bodies, corrupting natural rites of passage through an anti-pleasure philosophy.”
— jessica hoppe
”

When the elders deemed the victims guilty, everyone would find out. An appointed elder read their names aloud at the following service, publicly declaring their status to the congregation as disfellowshipped, which initiated a period of banishment. No one could speak to or acknowledge her for months — some for years — until the elders decided she was repentant and approved her reinstatement.

Through this indoctrination and the gravity of our family history, I began to think of my sexuality as separate from my body, aligning myself with the dictates of purity culture in order to be chosen. So I could feel safe. I had no idea I’d fallen prey to a favorite instrument of white supremacy.

Evangelists contextualize sex exclusively within a heteronormative framework and uphold the image of a thin, able-bodied, cis, straight, white woman as the epitome of purity, perpetuating colonial and Eurocentric values that systemically oppress women of color. The promise to wait for marriage seems universal, but what is the result when that aspiration is unattainable no matter your actions because it’s at odds with your identity?

As it turns out, it can wreak havoc on your mental health and familial relationships. A study conducted at University of Massachusetts Boston found that while the normalization of oppression — the restriction of sexual agency, the teaching of shame as a response to pleasure, and the perpetuation of rape culture — harms all, women of color were uniquely injured by the alienation of the rhetoric, expressing symptoms that “mimic that of posttraumatic stress disorder.”

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“Specifically within the Latinx community, purity culture comes from marianismo, a deep devotion toward the Virgin Mary and a set of beliefs that encourage women to be pure, wait until marriage, respect patriarchal values, and self-sacrifice for the sake of the family.”
— Adriana Alejandre
”

“Specifically within the Latinx community, purity culture comes from marianismo, a deep devotion toward the Virgin Mary and a set of beliefs that encourage women to be pure, wait until marriage, respect patriarchal values, and self-sacrifice for the sake of the family, ” Adriana Alejandre, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of Latinx Therapy tells Refinery29 Somos. “Whereas, the opposite is allowed for men. There is more forgiveness when men do not respect purity culture than for girls or women. When individuals outgrow this controlling perspective, it often creates estrangement among family members.”

Alejandre further explains that the effects from childhood are lifelong and require that we “unlearn harmful messages around sexuality and gender, such as virginity being a woman’s only worth and gift to husband upon marriage, being ashamed of sexual desires, [dressing] modestly, among many others.”

It is in regaining self-trust that healing can begin. Alejandre advises her clients to pay attention to the feeling of control and imposition. When is the message not coming from within you? “We can reject purity culture by embracing liberation, having open and developmentally appropriate conversations about sex to children, refraining from making statements such as, ‘sex is for marriage,’ and teaching all generations about body autonomy and consent,” she explains. “Lastly, I would recommend journaling about messages you received around sex, sexual education, consent, and sexual expression. Some questions to ask can include: How do these topics make me feel when I talk about them out loud to someone else? What are messages I grew up with? What are some beliefs I still carry even though I may not want to? How has my sexual expression changed over time?”

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“It is my choice now to rebuke it and reclaim my own: Pleasure is holy; it is freedom, and it is my birthright.”
— JESSICA HOPPE
”

While I do not turn to scripture often in my recovery from religious and sexual trauma, I do take delight in knowing that the Bible muses erotically through the entire Book of Solomon: A sensual collection of poems depicting lustful, consensual encounters ripe with juicy metaphors for arousal, genitalia, oral sex, and a woman who is not cast to fall on her back and receive; she is the pursuant. It is the story of her sexual awakening, and she never suffers for her passion. The sex is triumphant.

In rereading these ancient texts, I am reminded that it is the church’s calculated interpretations that have perverted sex with shame, a toxic message perpetuated from pulpits all over the world and across generations. It is my choice now to rebuke it and reclaim my own: Pleasure is holy; it is freedom, and it is my birthright. Here, three Latinas from different religious backgrounds discuss how they liberated themselves from purity culture and what they found on the other side.

Joy Valerie Carrera

I grew up evangelical Christian. To me, purity culture was something that was about remaining pure for God, and how it manifested in my life was through unrealistic standards of perfectionism in my relationships, in my behavior, and in my ways of being to ensure that I would one day enter heaven and could not afford to mess up because of one tiny thing. It fed into this anxiety. As a neurodivergent child, it made me feel like I was constantly messing up and not fitting this mold of “perfect.” It contributed to masking so much of who I truly was.

As a teenager, I remember signing a pact with God that I would remain pure until marriage. I was given a key to symbolize my virginity, the key to my heart that on my wedding night I would give to my husband. When I was 16, I thought I was in love with my high school boyfriend. I was waiting for marriage, and we had been dating for a year. My hormonal teenage brain figured a “loophole” would be that it was fine if we had sex because we would eventually get married. I ended up leaving religion at 18, but the conditioning was there and something I would keep learning to rewire. I had been raised to believe that once you had sex, you were tied and bonded to the person for a lifetime, so I ended up staying in this relationship longer than I should have, even though it was unhealthy. I had this guilt and shame that I could not break my pact with God. 

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“Purity culture was something that was about remaining pure for God, and how it manifested in my life was through unrealistic standards of perfectionism in my relationships, in my behavior, and in my ways of being to ensure that I would one day enter heaven.”
— Joy Valerie Carrera
”

I was assaulted at 21, and that was a huge turning point for me because I logically knew it was not my fault, but I had that deep ingrained belief that because I had betrayed God and left the church I was being punished. I transitioned into the complete opposite, exploring my sexuality fully and doing everything that I was told I was not supposed to, but still had this underlying guilt and shame.

It has taken me 10 years of therapy, coaching, deep reflection, so much exploration, and embracing self-love to unlearn the deep, old religious conditioning. I now feel more confident in who I am and realize when the shame pops up, those aren’t my beliefs. They are beliefs that are ready to be liberated. This next phase of my journey, I hope to keep letting go of those to enter into conscious, intimate, and healthy relationships free from the pressure that my religious upbringing put on me.

Margot Spindola

As a cis Latina woman who went to Catholic K-12 school in a small rural town, purity culture was communicated to me through a series of insidious signals and messages that brought about immense introspection, shame, and insecurity about my own body — something I still struggle with unlearning to this day.

I learned about purity in Catholic school. While in seventh grade, I took a sexual education course taught by one of the moms of the community who was also a registered nurse. Despite her background, I distinctly remember her standing at the front of the class, waving her hands in the air, and telling us, “Condoms are of the devil.”

When I was 14 or 15 years old, my immigrant mami slipped a “God’s Plan” brochure underneath my bedroom door.I was already on my way to having sex by then, so it’s maddening that other people felt like they had control over my body when I was barely even wrapping my head around my own relationship with it.

In my junior year of high school, I attended what they called a “Morality” class, where philosophical debate and scripture overlapped and we would spend hours listening to my teacher drone on about natural family planning and how having premarital sex would send me straight on the path to purgatory. Because I was already feeling the asphyxiating grasp of organized religion’s hands around my neck, I knew that this talk of being a virgin was likely to be a scam. I didn’t yet realize or understand the invisible script it had coded into my body as I grew older. For a short time, I wore a purity ring. At the time, I didn’t truly resonate with my body and felt numb. Following the scripts my community gave me felt like the only way forward

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The most radical act of rejecting purity culture is acknowledging the harms it has perpetuated.”
— Margot Spindola
”

Fast-forward to today, I’m 27 years old, and I embrace pleasure. But this didn’t happen overnight. It was a gradual process of self-reflection, critical thinking, and having conversations about sex. My body is no longer someone else’s to dictate. Instead, it is the “practice ground for transformation,” as adrianne maree brown so thoughtfully affirms in her book, Pleasure Activism. I’m thankful for the ways I was taught, regardless of the harm caused, because for better or for worse, it became a catalyst for my reckoning with my body. Instead of ignoring my body’s signals for pleasure (sexual or not), I embrace the ups and downs of where it takes me.

It has taken, and will take me, a long time to get to a place of crafting my own pleasure practice. It’s not to say that shame doesn’t sneak up on me, or that sometimes sex with a man can feel pressuring or the need to serve comes up. But the most radical act of rejecting purity culture is acknowledging the harms it has perpetuated.

Cindy Luquin

From my earliest memories, the concept of purity culture was ingrained in me through my family’s religious beliefs, particularly within the context of Pentecostalism. As the first child born in my family, I witnessed how religious congregations often served as a sanctuary for immigrant families from Latin America when they first arrived in the US, providing a sense of belonging and practical support.

The strong influence of Pentecostalism, combined with my Guatemalan heritage, created a subtle denial of our Maya Indigenous roots within our religious practice. I vividly recall an incident when I was just 4 years old, dressing up in traditional Indigenous clothing for a church event, which stirred conflicting emotions of pride and unease.

These early encounters with purity culture and the erasure of our Maya heritage left a lasting impression, highlighting the complex interplay between religious teachings, cultural identity, and the need for acceptance within the community. As I grew older, the effects of purity culture manifested in a profound internal struggle. I felt wrong for questioning the belief system and witnessed a disturbing double standard regarding gender roles and abusive behaviors.

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“Although remnants of my religious upbringing occasionally resurface, I have done the necessary work in therapy and through personal healing to reclaim my bodily autonomy and liberate myself from judgment.”
— Cindy Luquin
”

The impact of purity culture led me to suppress my true identity and creative expression as a queer bisexual person. It burdened me with shame and guilt, leading to physical manifestations and a strategy of “faking” illness to avoid attending church. Only later did I realize that these feelings were genuine, rooted in the anxiety I felt about the constraints imposed on me.

In my early 20s, the pivotal experience of moving away to college granted me the freedom to explore my true identity and embark on a journey of self-discovery. Today, I proudly identify as a spiritual queer person, reconnecting with my Maya heritage and embracing the wisdom of Maya cosmology, which values earth, medicine, and nature.

Although remnants of my religious upbringing occasionally resurface, I have done the necessary work in therapy and through personal healing to reclaim my bodily autonomy and liberate myself from judgment. This process has instilled in me a sense of responsibility to support and guide others as a queer elder and educator, free from judgment.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Ethical non-monogamy

— What to know about these often misunderstood relationships

By

Imagine Sarah and John have been in a monogamous relationship for five years. Although they love each other, Sarah, who is bisexual, has recently started feeling an attraction to her coworker, Andrea. This has led to several sexual encounters, leaving Sarah feeling guilty. However, she has not talked to John about her feelings or experiences with Andrea.

No matter how much you love your partner, it’s common to feel attracted to someone outside of a relationship. Some couples may even want sexual encounters with other people. It can be difficult to navigate these feelings, especially when they conflict with the commitment and promises made in the relationship. While the sex between Sarah and Andrea was consensual, Sarah engaged in non-consensual sex by stepping outside of her monogamous relationship without John’s consent.

There is growing curiosity about ethical or consensual non-monogamous relationships, particularly among young people. YouGov data found that 43% of millennial Americans say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous, even if few are in such a relationship. And a survey commissioned by sex toy brand Lelo, found that 28% of aged 18 to 24 would consider an open relationship.

What makes non-monogamy “ethical” is an emphasis on agreed, ongoing consent and mutual respect. All parties involved are fully aware of the situation and voluntarily agree to participate. Partners are free to change their minds at any time and (re)negotiate boundaries that work for everyone involved. Ethical non-monogamy can take many forms, including polyamory, open relationships and swinging.

These relationships are often stigmatised and misunderstood. They challenge the traditional notion of monogamy, which is commonly viewed in most western and religious societies as the only acceptable way of engaging in romantic relationships.

Yet research has shown that consensual non-monogamy can have positive effects on relationships and the people in them. People in consensual non-monogamous relationships have reported higher levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction and greater relational intimacy than people in monogamous relationships.

Misconceptions and stigma

One stigmatising view is that people in non-monogamous relationships pose a greater risk to their partners’ sexual health. This is based on the assumption that having multiple sexual partners increases the likelihood of sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

However, research shows that people in open and non-monogamous relationships have safer sex practices than monogamous, but unfaithful partners. Ethical non-monogamy can be a safer outlet for sexual expression compared with monogamous relationships that have led to cheating where someone ends up passing an STI to their partner.

In healthy relationships, partners recognise that each person has their own unique sexual preferences and diverse needs. For consensually non-monogamous partners, this means understanding that their primary relationship may not always fulfil all their sexual desires.

Although jealousy can still exist within non-monogamous relationships, research has found that it can be more manageable than in monogamous ones. This is because, in secure non-monogamous partnerships, there are open discussions about sexual attraction and setting boundaries, where partners can address jealousy anxiety.

Exploring non-monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy is not for everyone. You should only explore this type of relationship if it feels comfortable, you seek appropriate consent and the existing relationship is solid. Outsiders often hold the stereotypical view that people only engage in ENM if their current relationship is unstable.

If you decide that it’s right for you, keep the following in mind.

1. Communicate openly

Communication is important in any relationship, but especially critical in ENM relationships. Partners must be transparent and honest about their intentions, feelings, expectations and boundaries. People in non-monogamous relationships need to be aware of their emotional boundaries and be prepared to navigate feelings of jealousy.

2. Practice safe sex

Sexual health is key regardless of your relationship status or style. Get tested regularly for STIs and to use protection during sexual encounters to minimise the risk of transmission.

3. Stop shame

Managing stigma is one of the most difficult parts of an ENM relationship. When people are socialised to believe that having multiple partners is wrong or immoral, this can lead to feelings of shame and self-doubt. It is important to recognise that consensually non-monogamous and multipartnered relationships are a valid lifestyle choice. You can seek support from like-minded people or talk to a sex and relationship therapist if necessary.

While non-monogamy is not everyone’s cup of tea, these tips can be helpful for any relationship. Ultimately, it is essential to keep communication, consent and respect at the heart of your partnership.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Anal Douching

— How to Prepare and Do It Safely

If you’ve ever considered exploring anal play, it’s natural to have concerns about the potential mess involved. While this mess is nothing to be ashamed of, many people seek a cleaner experience and turn to anal douching. Let’s explore precisely what anal douching is and how to do it safely so that you can focus on pleasure rather than the mess.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • Anal douching involves flushing the rectum with a liquid solution using tools like shower enemas, bulb enemas, fleet enemas, or enema bags.
  • People douche to reduce fecal matter in the rectum for a cleaner experience during anal sex, regardless of sexual orientation.
  • Some research suggests that anal douching may damage the protective cells in the rectum, potentially increasing the risk of STI and HIV transmission.
  • Alternatives to douching include maintaining a high-fiber diet, using wipes for cleanup, using a sex blanket or dark-colored sheets for sheet protection, and prioritizing personal comfort and enjoyment during anal play.

Anal douching explained

Anal douching refers to the practice of cleaning or flushing out the rectum by introducing a liquid solution into the anus. It involves using a specialized device or tool, such as a shower enema, bulb enema, fleet enema, or enema bag, to flush water or a mild saline solution into the rectal area.

The process typically involves filling the device with the desired cleansing solution, gently inserting the nozzle into the anus, and releasing the liquid into the rectum. After a brief period, the expelled liquid and any residual waste are eliminated by emptying the bowels.

Why do people douche?

Many individuals choose to douche to minimize fecal matter in their rectum, providing a cleaner experience during receptive anal sex and reducing concerns about the potential mess. Although it is frequently practiced within the gay community, anal douching can be utilized by anyone interested in engaging in anal play.

Is it anal douching safe?

Some research has found that using anal douches can lead to damage to the outer layer of cells that line the inner surface of the rectum. These cells serve as a protective barrier and are crucial for the overall health and proper functioning of rectal tissues. When this protective barrier is compromised or damaged, it can potentially increase the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and HIV.

If you do want to use a douche, it is crucial to prioritize safety by using the appropriate equipment. It is recommended to purchase douches from reliable sources like a pharmacy or a sex store and carefully follow the instructions on the packaging.

Making your own douche at home is not advisable, as it could cause injury. Furthermore, always ensure that your hands or gloves are freshly cleaned before using a douche, and allow sufficient time between douches. It is important to note that if you have anal fissures or hemorrhoids, douches are not recommended. It is always best to consult a medical professional if you have doubts or concerns about using a douche.

Products needed to douche

To anal douche yourself at home, you will need to select a type of douche, as well as either water or a saline solution, to enter into the rectum. Both saline solution and water can be used for anal douching, and the choice between the two ultimately depends on personal preference and individual needs. However, there are a few different types of douches available.

  • Shower enema. A shower enema is a douching method that utilizes a special attachment that can be connected to a shower head. This attachment allows the water to flow directly into the rectum. It typically provides a continuous and controlled stream of water, making it convenient for those who prefer a thorough cleaning. Shower enemas are often adjustable, allowing the user to regulate the water pressure and temperature.
  • Bulb enema. A bulb enema, also known as a bulb syringe or anal bulb, consists of a rubber or silicone bulb attached to a nozzle. This type of douche is manually operated by squeezing the bulb to expel the liquid into the rectum. Bulb enemas are generally small and compact, making them easy to use and convenient for travel.
  • Fleet enema. Fleet enema is a commercially available pre-packaged douche product that comes in a disposable bottle. It contains a saline solution or a combination of water and laxative agents. Fleet enemas are commonly used for bowel cleansing and constipation relief but can also be used for anal douching. They typically feature a lubricated nozzle attached to the bottle, allowing easy insertion and controlled liquid delivery.
  • Enema bag. An enema bag is a larger-capacity douching device that consists of a bag or reservoir made of rubber or silicone and long tubing with a nozzle. The bag is filled with the desired cleansing solution, and a clamp on the tubing controls the flow of liquid. Enema bags provide the flexibility to adjust the flow rate and volume of the liquid according to personal preference.

How to douche

If you’re looking to safely douche, follow the steps outlined below.

Prepare yourself

Firstly make sure that your hands are clean and that you have read the instructions of your douche kit. Fill the reservoir with lukewarm water or a saline solution. Don’t use harsh chemicals or soaps in the solution, as they irritate the rectal lining. It’s best to use a solution specifically formulated for anal douching, which can be purchased from a pharmacy or sex store. Next, apply a water-based lubricant to the tip of the nozzle to make insertion more comfortable.

Position yourself

Find a comfortable position that allows easy access to the rectal area. Many people find it helpful to douche in the shower to help with the mess, using a squatting motion to help with insertion.

Insert the nozzle and squeeze in the solution

Gently and slowly insert the nozzle into the rectum. Take your time and listen to your body’s signals to avoid any discomfort. Depending on the type of douche kit you’re using, squeeze the bulb or follow the specific instructions provided with the kit to release the cleansing solution into the rectum. Avoid using excessive pressure to prevent any potential damage to the rectal lining.

Remove the nozzle and the solution

Once the solution is inside, remove the nozzle and allow yourself some time to hold the liquid inside. Then, gently evacuate the contents into the toilet or shower. You may need to repeat this process several times until the expelled fluid is clear.

Clean and store the equipment

After you’re done, if your douche isn’t disposable, thoroughly clean the nozzle and reservoir with warm water and mild soap. Ensure the douche is completely dry before storing it in a clean and hygienic place.

How often can you douche?

While there is no specific scientific consensus on how frequently you should douche, it is generally recommended by healthcare professionals to limit douching to 2–3 times per week.

Is douching different for women and men?

Since men and women have the same rectal anatomy, anal douching is generally the same for all individuals with functioning rectums. However, the methods and tools used for anal douching can vary depending on personal preference and individual needs.

It’s worth mentioning that when people commonly refer to “douching” in the context of people with vaginas, they usually refer to vaginal douching, which is a different practice altogether unrelated to anal douching.

Do I need to douche?

The decision to douche is a personal decision. While anal douching is one way to reduce the presence of fecal matter in the rectum, alternative methods are available. These include maintaining a high-fiber diet, which can involve incorporating sources of fiber such as psyllium husk and avoiding foods that may cause stomach discomfort.

If you aren’t into douching, there are other ways that you can help to manage the mess so that you can focus on pleasure instead.

  • Have wipes on hand. Having wipes readily available during anal play can assist with cleanup.
  • Use a sex blanket. Using a sex blanket can provide added protection and convenience. Placing a blanket beneath you or in the immediate vicinity can help catch any fluids or messes during anal play. This can help minimize the impact on your bedding and make cleanup more manageable.
  • Use dark sheets. Some individuals find it helpful to use dark-colored sheets and a sex towel during anal play. By using dark-colored sheets, any potential stains or marks from lubricants or other fluids are less likely to be noticeable or cause concern.

Ultimately, whether or not to douche is a personal preference based on your comfort level and preferences. The main idea is to create an environment where you can fully enjoy the experience without unnecessary concerns about cleanliness.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Best Books to Give to Your Teen to Learn About Their Reproductive Health

There’s a book for everyone to help them understand their sexual health better. Here’s a stack you should grab for your teen.

By Mara Santilli

If your kids are anything like I was as a tween, protesting going to the “birds and the bees” talk proclaiming that they “already know everything” when it comes to menstrual and sexual health (or if your child’s school or community center does not offer sex education), you’re going to need to call in some backup. It can be difficult to have a discussion with your teen or tween on reproductive health who might be getting a lot of sex education from social media, and sometimes having a conversation starter can be helpful.

Reproductive health books can be a great way to do that, especially if your teen is going through something that you didn’t necessarily go through at their age — for example, coming out as queer or nonbinary. There are some books we selected as resources for young teens who are about to start or just started their menstrual cycle and want to feel more comfortable in their bodies, and for older teens who are curious about sex and their sexuality. A couple of these books are written by doctors, therapists, and sexual health editors who want to reach young people and help them better understand their reproductive and sexual wellness.

Parents, teachers, and mentors, update your personal stack by having these reproductive health books ready for your teen whenever they’re ready to pick them up.

‘Love Your Body’ by Jessica Sanders

Love Your Body may be your tween’s first introduction to knowing more about, understanding, and accepting their body as it is. This is key to them stepping into puberty and eventually into their sexuality. Pick it up for tweens between ages 10 and 13.

‘Welcome to Your Period’ by Yumi Stynes and Dr. Melissa Kang

Your child’s menstrual education class may have only lasted 30 minutes, and they may have many more questions about what a period is like, even if they’ve already started theirs. That’s where tag team authors Yumi Stynes and Dr. Melissa Kang come in. They’ve written this comprehensive menstruation guide, Welcome to Your Period, and also have newer books that have come out, including Welcome to Consent, if your teen responds well to the period book.

‘Let’s Talk About Down There’ by Dr. Jennifer Lincoln

If your teen hasn’t had that first visit to the OB/GYN yet, there are a lot of things they want a medical professional’s opinion on. Dr. Jennifer Lincoln has a warm but powerful social media presence, and is the perfect doctor for the job. Her book Let’s Talk About Down There answers questions like “Can I Get Pregnant on My Period?” and more, including an introduction to understanding the intricate workings of the vulva and reproductive system.

‘The Pride Guide’ by Jo Langford

Therapist and sexual health educator Jo Langford put together one of the first LGBTQ+-inclusive puberty books. The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth gets into queer sex education, body image and changes, coming out, and dating for queer teens (which, by the way, is about 1 in 4 teenagers, according to CDC data.) This is an important book for teachers and librarians to keep on their shelves in case students haven’t come out or don’t plan to come out to parents or family members.

‘Life Isn’t Binary’ by Meg-John Barker and Alex Iantaffi

Especially if you have a teen who is figuring out their gender identity, it’s a great idea to read nonbinary authors’ Meg-John Barker and Alex Iantaffi’s book, Life Isn’t Binary. Make it a parent/teen book club so you can both discuss what it means to live outside the gender binary. It’ll really stretch both of your brains to think about how nonbinary thinking can apply to other areas of life, too.

‘Decolonizing the Body’ by Kelsey Blackwell

Decolonizing the Body is another groundbreaking book that would be more appropriate for older teens. It acknowledges the reality that around 8 in 10 Black women go through some sort of trauma in their lives. This book by Kelsey Blackwell is designed to help young people of color to connect to the body using somatic practices.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How growing up in purity culture impacts sex

— The effects of shame-based narratives can have a big impact on our ability to experience pleasure fully.

By Gigi Engle

Purity culture messaging is everywhere. Even if you didn’t grow up particularly religious or even if you had fully atheist caregivers, it’s likely you’ve been exposed to messages from purity culture in some form.

Just look at the sex ed we have in the western world: It’s often focused on abstinence and the dangers of sex. This is rooted in purity culture. Look at sexual spirituality (a movement that masquerades as enlightenment and spiritual awakening all over social media) claiming that you need to sage your genitals in order to “cleanse” yourself of past lovers. Purity. Culture.

Purity culture has seen a massive uptick on social media, especially on TikTok with the emergence of “puriteen” views, finding a niche where it can spread the messages of needing to stay “virginal” and “pure” in order to be considered a good or worthy person in the pretty dressing of fun little videos. It’s sinister, really.

While I myself did not grow up in the church, as a sexuality professional — a sex-positive certified sex educator who specializes, amongst other things, in undoing the damaging messages of purity culture, while advocating for sexual freedom and autonomy – I have worked with countless folx who have. Much of the work my colleagues and I do is around detangling sexuality from the messages of purity culture. It can feel like walking backwards on a treadmill sometimes. This messaging is incredibly harmful and impacts people in myriad ways.

Purity culture messaging is insidious from every angle – but one of the most salient is the impact on sexuality. This “type of subculture isolates us into a box (or perhaps a cage) to the point where it is difficult to express ourselves sexually and it prevents us from having autonomy in seeking sexual relationships,” says Dr. Lee Phillips, Ed.D, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist.

Basically, it messes with our understanding and connection to our sexuality. And it’s dangerous and damaging.

Whether you’ve freshly thrown off the shackles of purity culture, are attempting to do so presently – or escaped a long time ago, let’s break down how purity culture impacts sexuality – and how you can start to unlearn these messages in order to embrace pleasure and sexual freedom to the fullest extent.

Purity culture is centered on sexuality. While it targets everyone, it specifically centers around female sexuality – and female chastity, Philips says. It emphasizes staying “pure,” which means not having sex (usually intercourse) before marriage.

While this is sort of the cut-and-dry definition, Laurie Mintz, Ph.D. a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and author of Becoming Cliterate, points out that modern Evangelical views of “purity” go far beyond this simplest framework. Within contemporary, fundamental Christianity, not only are women and girls responsible for not engaging in sex of any kind (or even having sexual thoughts), they become the gatekeepers for male sexuality. “Young women and girls in this culture are instructed to be submissive to men, and to be careful how they dress and interact with others to avoid ‘tempting’ men.” Women and girls are seen as the “moral foundation” of society and are pressured to behave modestly so they don’t make the men around them horny. Awesome.

“Young women and girls in this culture are instructed to be submissive to men, and to be careful how they dress and interact with others to avoid ‘tempting’ men.”

It is a culture of sexual suppression. It means “suppressing or trying to pray away any sexual thoughts and fantasies, desires, not masturbating, not looking at certain media, and generally demonizing all forms of sexual expression outside of traditional heterosexual marriage,” explains Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, who specializes in purity culture and sexuality.

What purity culture messages look like

Now, what do these messages look like, really? Here are a few deeply disturbing examples.

  • Mintz points to likening women to a chewed-up piece of gum than no one would want if they have sexual experiences before marriage.
  • Telling women and girls they are responsible for the behavior of men and boys – that they must have tempted them if they are sexually assaulted or harassed. “Men must be both leaders and ultra masculine, but also cannot control their sexual desires,” Rowett says.
  • Being a good woman means always being submissive to men.
  • Your spiritual value, your “purity”, and your whole value as a person “comes from not just not having sex before marriage, but suppressing your entire sexuality,” Rowett says.
  • Your ability to truly love a partner will be damaged if you have sex – and no one will want you anyway because you’re “damaged goods.
  • If you watch porn, you are addicted to porn. And porn will 100 percent ruin your life. AND you’re going to hell.

These messages are baseless, incorrect, damaging – and downright dangerous. They are anti-science – entirely socially constructed by a puritanical society that wants to demonize sexuality in any form that doesn’t fall within heterosexual marriage.

How the messages of purity culture can filter into our sexuality

Even if we choose to reject the messages of purity culture later in life, they can still negatively impact us without even being aware of it. Shame-based messages are sticky little fuckers. They get their claws into our psyche and refuse to let go. They’re like emotional bedbugs: They burrow in and end up disrupting your peace. Philips points out that these early messages of shame can be quite traumatic – and this trauma impacts the mind-body messaging system.

Central to our ability to experience pleasure during sex is the connection between our brains and bodies. In order to experience pleasure and orgasm to the fullest extent, we need to feel calm and safe. This relaxed state facilitates the messages between the brain and body which, in turn, allows us to experience desire and physical arousal.

Because of the negative messages of purity culture and sexual shame, we can go into a state of Fight, Flight, or Freeze during sexual activity. This breaks the mind-body messaging system. This is a trauma response. As Mintz explains, “If one has been indoctrinated with the message that sex is sinful, that they are sinful, and the like, it is going to result in being immersed in shameful, negative self-talk during sex, rather than experiencing and immersing in one’s body sensations.”

Philips points to the following examples of how the trauma of purity culture messaging can lead to sexual difficulties:

  • Experiencing a sexual problem and believing it is your fault.
  • Feeling very little or nothing during sex.
  • Not speaking up or avoiding discussing sex at all.
  • Unexplained pain, tension, softness, or ejaculation problems for AMAB (assigned male at birth) people.
  • Wanting to rush through sexual experiences.
  • Finding it difficult to engage in sex without relying on substances.
  • Feeling like you are too much or not enough.
  • Feeling afraid to take risks.
  • Losing connection to playfulness.
  • Difficulties with orgasm.
  • Feeling unworthy of pleasure.
  • Being stuck in a cycle of unfulfilling sexual behavior and/or experiences.

5 tips for purity culture dropouts to increase their sexual pleasure

Give yourself the time you need to really heal

Congratulations! You’ve escaped from purity culture and you should be proud. With that being said, the healing process will likely take a long time. “Remember to give yourself a lot of time and space to heal, and know that you don’t need to figure it all out now,” Rowett says. You’ve been inundated with these sex-shaming messages for your whole upbringing. It is going to take time to untangle them and move forward. You’re brave and you’ve got this.

Feel your damn feelings

When it comes to unlearning harmful messaging, emotions can bubble up and spill out. As tempting as it may be to tamp these down, try to sit with them. Revel in the discomfort of it. “You might feel sad and want to mourn the lost years of your sex life,” Philips explains. “You might feel angry, or personally victimized. You may feel hurt. Whatever is there to feel, feel it fully.”

Resource yourself and find community

Start reading books and digesting media from people who have been on this same journey. Mintz suggests reading the book Pure and watching the documentary Deconstructing My Religion to start. Media can help you feel less alone. Next, find your people. There are so many purity culture dropout forums online where you can find people who have the same lived experience that you do.

“Unlearning such toxic, harmful messages is difficult — but with education and support, it is possible.”

Seek professional help

“Unlearning such toxic, harmful messages is difficult — but with education and support, it is possible,” Mitz says. Hire a professional sex therapist or coach who specifically works with folx who come from purity culture. Rowett even has amazing classes that are centered on embracing your pleasure and leaving shame in the past. Learn more here.

Practice conscious masturbation

Conscious masturbation is when you go really slowly with self-touch, breathing deeply and connecting with the sensations in your body. “As you practice conscious masturbation, you will progressively begin to feel safer in your body. This might not happen overnight (especially if the roots of trauma or sexual shame run deep), but it will happen with patience, love, and persistence,” Philips says. It’s simply about being with your body and allowing it to experience pleasure. It is a brilliant way to come into yourself and embrace that your body’s a vessel for pleasure. And that you deserve pleasure!

It might feel like a long road ahead of you, but you can and WILL recover from the trauma of growing up in purity culture. You’re already on your way. And you’re going to crush it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A ‘failure to launch’

— Why young people are having less sex

By Hannah Fry

Vivian Rhodes figured she would eventually have sex.

She was raised in a Christian household in Washington state and thought sex before marriage would be the ultimate rebellion. But then college came and went — and no sex. Even flirting “felt unnatural,” she said.

In her early 20s, she watched someone she followed on Tumblr come out as asexual and realized that’s how she felt: She had yet to develop romantic feelings for anyone, and the physical act of sex just didn’t sound appealing.

“Some people assume this is about shaming other people, and it’s not,” said Rhodes, 28, who works as a certified nursing assistant in Los Angeles. “I’m glad people have fun with it and it works for them. But I think sex is kind of gross. It seems very messy, and it’s vulnerable in a way that I think would be very uncomfortable.”

For what researchers say is an array of reasons — including technology, heavy academic schedules and an overall slower-motion process of growing up — millennials and now Gen Zers are having less sex, with fewer partners, than their parents’ and grandparents’ generations did. The social isolation and transmission scares of the COVID-19 pandemic have no doubt played a role in the shift. But researchers say that’s not the whole story: The “no rush for sex” trend predates the pandemic, according to a solid body of research.

UCLA has been tracking behavioral trends for years through its annual California Health Interview Survey, the largest state health survey in the nation. It includes questions about sexual activity. In 2021, the survey found, the number of young Californians ages 18 to 30 who reported having no sexual partners in the prior year reached a decade high of 38%. In 2011, 22% of young people reported having no sexual partners during the prior year, and the percentage climbed fairly steadily as the decade progressed.

California adults ages 35 to 50 who participated in UCLA’s 2021 survey also registered an increase in abstinence from 2011 to 2021. But with the percentage of “no sex” respondents rising from 9% to 14% during that time frame, the increase was not as pronounced.

The broader trend of young adults forgoing sex holds true nationally.

The University of Chicago’s General Social Survey — which has been following shifts in Americans’ behavioral trends for decades — found that 3 in 10 Generation Z males, ages 18 to 25, surveyed in 2021 reported having gone without sex the prior year. One in four Gen Z women also reported having had no sex the prior year, according to Jean Twenge, a San Diego State University psychology professor who reviewed the data for her book “Generations.”

In an age where hook-ups might seem as unlimited as a right swipe on a dating app, it’s easy to assume that Gen Z “should be having the time of their lives sexually,” Twenge said.

But that’s not how it’s playing out. Twenge said the decline has been underway for roughly two decades.

She attributed the slowdown in sexual relations most significantly to what she calls the “slow-life factor.” Young people just aren’t growing up as fast as they once did. They’re delaying big milestones such as getting their driver’s licenses and going to college. And they’re living at home with their parents a lot longer.

“In times and places where people live longer and education takes longer, the whole developmental trajectory slows down,” she said. “And so for teens and young adults, one place that you’re going to notice that is in terms of dating and romantic relationships and sexuality.”

A slight majority of 18- to 30-year-olds — about 52% — reported having one sexual partner in 2021, a decrease from 2020, according to the UCLA survey. The proportion of young adults who reported having two or more sexual partners also declined, from 23% in 2011 to 10% in 2021.

Though sex was on the decline in the years leading into the pandemic, COVID-19 made dating trickier.

Many people tightened their social circles when the pandemic surged in 2020 and 2021. And young people’s reliance on cellphones and apps for their social interactions only intensified when in-person meet-ups posed a risk of serious illness.

In general, people coming of age in an era of dating apps say the notion of starting a relationship with someone they meet in person — say a chance encounter at a bar or dance club — seems like a piece of nostalgia. Even friendships are increasingly forged over texting and video chats.

“A lot of young people when you talk to them will say their best friends are people they’ve never met,” said Jessica Borelli, a professor of psychological science at UC Irvine. “Sometimes they live across the country or in other countries, and yet they have these very intimate relationships with them. … The in-person interface is not nearly as essential for the development of intimacy as it might be for older people.”

Ivanna Zuniga, 22, who recently graduated from UC Irvine with a degree in psychological sciences, said her peers have largely delayed sex and romance to focus on education and career. Zuniga, who is bisexual, has been with her partner for about four years. But their sex life is sporadic, she said, adding that they hadn’t been intimate in the month leading up to her graduation.

“I’ve been really preoccupied with my studies, and I’m always stressed because of all the things I have going on,” she said. “My libido is always shot, and I don’t really ever think about sex.”

The sexless phenomenon has made its way into pop culture. Gone are the days when meet-cutes in bars leading to one-night stands and sex at college parties were the cornerstone of coupling in films.

In “No Hard Feelings,” released this year, a 32-year-old woman is hired by “helicopter parents” to deflower their shy 19-year-old son. At a party, the woman frantically searching for her date busts open bedroom doors where she expects to find people feverishly tangled in sheets. Instead, she finds teens sitting side by side on a bed, fully clothed, scrolling their phones or playing virtual reality games. Bemused, she yells, “Doesn’t anyone f— anymore?”

While there are practical benefits to waiting to be in a physical relationship, including less risk of sexually transmitted diseases and unplanned pregnancy, Twenge argued that there are also downsides to young people eschewing sex and, more broadly, intimacy. Unhappiness and depression are at all-time highs among young adults, trend lines Twenge ties to the rise of smartphones and social media. And she noted with concern the steady decline in the birth rate.

“It creates the question of whether Social Security can survive,” Twenge said. “Will there be enough young workers to support older people in the system? Will there be enough young workers to take care of older people in nursing homes and in assisted-care facilities?”

Zuniga, who plans to pursue a doctorate in clinical psychology, can’t imagine pausing her education or career to have children, so safe sex is particularly important, she said. Others interviewed said “horror stories” involving friends who contracted herpes or other sexually transmitted infections had turned them off from casual sex.

“I prioritize my studies too much, and I can’t fathom the thought of having my identity as an academic fall secondary to being a mother,” Zuniga said. “Moving out of the income bracket that you’re born into is so hard to do, and a very secure way to do it is through education.”

For Rhodes, not having sex has taken a lot of the pressure off social interactions.

“It lets me relax,” she said. “It’s not that I don’t care about how I look or how I come off to other people. But I have a little extra help caring less about it, because I don’t have to worry about attracting specific kinds of people for specific things.”

And she pushes back against the notion that shying away from sex is some sort of societal problem that needs to be “fixed.” It might even be a sign that young people have more control of their bodies and desires, she said.

“Maybe you don’t have to have sex all the time,” Rhodes said. “Maybe if you’re doing other things in your life, and you’ve got other priorities, or you just don’t feel like it, that can be a good enough answer.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Experiment with Temperature Play in Your Sex Life

By Bianne Hogan

Are you ready to kick things up a notch in the bedroom? Then you might consider experimenting with temperature play. Think of how an ice cube offers an instant visceral feeling to your skin or the touch of a warm cup of tea. Now imagine that type of sensation being used to arouse your entire body. That’s pretty much the essence of temperature play.

“Temperature play can add another sensory dimension to a sexual experience,” Avril Louise Clarke, in-house sexologist and intimacy coordinator at Erika Lust, tells SheKnows. “Sensory deprivation could be putting on a blindfold allowing you to delve deeper into the senses of touch, taste or smell. Temperature play is a similar experience, but instead, it heightens arousal, creating unique sensations of hot or cold.”

According to Clarke, temperature play works by intensifying the nerve endings to increase blood flow, which can increase an already pleasurable experience. “So if you put something warm or cold on your body the blood flow will react differently,” she explains. “A good practice, and basic approach when introducing any sexual activity or new play to the bedroom, is to start slowly and always communicate with partners to ensure they are comfortable and enjoying the experience.”

As always when it comes to sexual activity, remember safety is always the best policy. “And of course, always communicate and practice consent,” Clarke says. “Prioritize the comfort of everyone’s experience. Temperature play is great, and an important part of the BDSM umbrella, since it’s accessible to most, with minimal cost and preparation, and can be done solo or with multiple partners.”

Temperature play can be done with household items such as ice cubes and wax, to freezer-friendly sex toys like vibrators and dildos. Does temperature play sound intriguing to you and your partner(s)? Then read on below to learn about sexpert-approved creative ways to experiment with temperature play in your sex life.

Experiment with different textures and sensations.

According to Rebecca Alvarez Story, sexologist and Bloomi CEO and Co-Founder, different people may enjoy different temperatures, textures, and sensations on their skin. Trying different things with temperature play is a good way to experiment with what’s right for you until you know what turns you (and your partner) on.

“You can adapt temperature play to your needs and preferences and you can do it solo, partnered, with a toy, or without – it’s totally up to you,” Alvarez Story says. “Some suggestions are: licking ice cream off your partner’s skin, letting an ice cube melt on your or your partner’s nipples, or warming/freezing a towel, and putting on your partner.”

Alvarez Story also adds that it’s important to talk about desires, expectations, and limitations as well as come up with a safe word “so you or your partner can revoke your consent at any given time before getting into temperature play.”

Start slowly and explore the entire body.

Whenever you’re playing with hot or cold items, Dr. Jess O’Reilly, Lovehoney sex and relationship expert, recommends to start slowly – not only to enjoy and enhance the experience but to test out the thresholds for heat and cold on your and your partner’s body. “In the beginning, run your toy under hot or cold water for 10 to 15 seconds and test it out for a moment. If you want to increase or decrease the temperature, you can always extend the time underwater.”

And remember that different parts of your body will respond differently to temperature variations. “For example, your mouth can handle hotter temperatures than much of your exposed skin (think about drinking hot tea versus spilling hot tea on your thighs), so take care to test the temperature a little at a time across the body,” she says.

O’Reilly suggests exploring your entire body with your hot or cold toys — and not heading straight to your genitals. “You can play with temperature from head to toe — alternating between the nipples, along the collarbone, down the sides of your chest and between your thighs.”

Go the sensual route.

If you’re looking for something more sensual to kick off your temperature play, Alvarez Story recommends giving a sensual massage with hot oil or wax from a body-safe candle.

Not that you need much of a reason to give or receive a massage from your lover, but Alvarez Story points out that “relaxing and having an intimate massage can help to reduce muscle tension and stress, improve circulation, and has even been reported to reduce stress, anxiety, and depression.” Choose a massage oil or candle that is suitable for use on intimate skin. She suggests Bloomi’s Relax, which is a clean massage oil that doubles as an everyday body oil with lavender aromatherapy and is safe to be cooled down or warmed up. Set the space with some soft pillows and blankets and enjoy.

Work with contrast.

Nora Langknecht, marketing manager and certified sex educator at FUN FACTORY, recommends switching between hot and cold sensations to keep your partner in pleasurable suspense. “Use ice to cool someone’s skin (or nipple, or whatever else), and you’ll create contrast with the natural heat of your mouth or tongue,” she says. “So, follow the cool touch of an ice cube with the warmth of your tongue or kisses.”

She also suggests gently heating or cooling your toys to experiment with temperature in a safe way. “Try sticking VOLTA, our external vibrator, or MANTA, our vibrating penis stroker, in hot (not boiling) or cold water. Your partner will get all the stimulation of the toy, plus the added benefit of an unexpected temperature.”

And as always, since temperatures that are too hot or cold may be unpleasant or even painful, she warns to “test the toys against the inside of your wrist before using them on your partner!”

Chill a dildo (or vibrator) in the fridge.

To add a different sensation, Alvarez Story suggests cooling down a dildo in the fridge before playing with it. “Make sure that the dildo is composed of a material that can be frozen and is still body-safe when frozen,” she says. “Our recommendation is Indulge Double-sided Vibrator, a powerful, versatile, and body-safe vibrator with double sides: enjoy one non-vibrating and one vibrating side, both great for vaginal and anal use.”

In fact, according to Clarke, many silicone toys can be popped in the freezer, or in a bowl of ice and teased across the body during intercorse or foreplay. “A toy that comes to mind is Maya by Love Not War,” she says. “It is a great toy for temperature play since it is responsive to temperatures, meaning the head can be unscrewed and heated before use or put into the refrigerator to cool down. Since it is made out of 99 percent recycled aluminum, it will conduct the temperature really quickly.

Ready to get started with some temperature play? Things are about to get hot (or really cold).

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This is why treating sex like a hobby will improve your sex life

— For most of us, understanding the basics of sex science and pleasure is the first step in improving our sex lives, says Ruth Ramsay

Ruth Ramsay suggests having great sex may be easier to achieve than you think

By Ruth Ramsay

Do you have a great sex life? If your answer is yes – congratulations! But for the majority of you reading this, it’s probably a no. Particularly if you’re in a long-term relationship, it’s normal for your sex life with your partner to not be as regular, fun or satisfying as you’d like.

This probably impacts your happiness outside of the bedroom as well as in. In a recent major study from 2022, reported in Forbes, over two thirds of participants agreed with the statement “my overall quality of life would improve if my sex life improve”. But what if there was a relatively simple way to make that happen?

For some people, change in this area is challenging, particularly those with a history of trauma or a religious upbringing where sex was demonised. But for the masses who are simply bored, badly informed and shy to admit it, easier help is at hand.

It’s unlikely to come from magazine articles with titles like Techniques Guaranteed To Blow His Mind or 10 Types Of Orgasms – Are You Missing Out? Instead, I suggest a simple mindset shift; we can use whatever our starting point and which is inclusive of age, gender, relationship structure, tastes and abilities. It’s that we approach sex as we would a favourite hobby.

I know the power of this concept from my coaching work. A couple I coached over a number of months, helping them re-establish a sex life based around pleasure after a long gruelling fertility journey, told me “sex as a hobby” had been the most transformational concept. The fact my TEDx talk sharing this idea, Revamp Your Sex Life In Six Minutes has gone viral (it has been viewed more than 700,000 times) backs this up.

What do I mean by ‘let’s approach sex like a hobby’?

Honestly, it means: let’s talk about it with those we do it with, schedule time for it in our diaries, be keen to learn about it, and open-minded about new or different techniques. Let’s check in with what we want each time, not be shy to seek medical advice if there is a problem, and most of all, prioritise the equal enjoyment of all involved.

This is a big shift from how we typically treat sex. We expect it to “just happen naturally”, with no planning or effort, and consider anything other than spontaneous sex as inferior. Most adults get their information and inspiration from a toxic mix of romanticised messages in film and TV, trends in porn, and the lingering memory of school “sex education” (fear-drenched reproductive biology which positioned only penetrative intercourse as “real sex”). We don’t understand our anatomy, and faking pleasure is preferable to talking about how to achieve it.

In what other physical activity typically involving two partners, would we expect things to “just happen”, with no decent foundational education, ongoing learning, or discussion about what we like or dislike, and with never putting it in the diary? Let alone expect it to happen regularly and be exciting and fulfilling for both parties, doing it only with each other for years on end?

Since the TEDx talk went live I’ve had emails from around the world from people telling me it has sparked their first-ever open discussions with their partners about sex. It has enabled them to approach improving their sex lives together with positivity and excitement. This is partly because this approach leads with “let’s make things better and have more fun”, rather than “let’s talk about how boring or unsatisfying things have become”. The latter can be hard to admit even to ourselves, let alone a partner, and conversations around it can be painful and full of blame.

Treating sex as a hobby gives us a starting point from wherever we find ourselves right now. But for most of us, understanding the basics of sex science and pleasure is the first fundamental step in improving our sex lives. It’s not our fault we don’t already know – it’s only in recent years that decent adult education around sex has become widely available.

There is now lots of good information out there: books, podcasts and documentaries. Put “sex’” into a reputable platform and you should get education, not porn. Taking responsibility for understanding our own bodies and what we need – not expecting a partner to “deliver” pleasure or “make” us climax – is vital.

What do you want?

The next step is being able to talk about it. So many couples tell me the only thing they never talk about in their relationships is sex. Treat this in itself with curiosity: we can start off such a discussion with: “Isn’t it weird how we can talk about everything else, but not this? Why is that?”

Then, we need to dedicate time to putting what we’ve learnt into practice. People are resistant to this suggestion but putting sexual playtime in the diary is not an admission of failure. Instead, it’s a positive, affirmative act which recognises sex as an important part of our busy lives.

By “sex” I mean all types of enjoyable, intimate, erotically charged time – including with oneself. With a partner, it doesn’t mean we are committing in advance to having penetrative intercourse. Communicate what you’re up for. If you’re too tired or stressed for sexual play, keep the date for intimate non-sexual bonding time, instead of giving up and turning on the TV. Your relationship will thank you.

If you view scheduling sexual time as the ultimate turn-off, consider this: when you were first with your partner, you planned dates days or weeks ahead; thought about what to wear and personal grooming; messaged each other to say how much you were looking forward to it; made absolutely sure you didn’t let work or other commitments creep in. Did that turn you off? No, it built up the heat (and consider that it’s also what people do when they have affairs…). It can have a similar effect now.

If we wait until we spontaneously experience desire after all of life’s other busy-ness is done, that’s when sex doesn’t happen for weeks, months, or even years. Which is such a loss. Good sex can bring us such individual and relational joy; boost our physical and mental health; provide stress relief and an outlet for creativity and adult play. Shouldn’t we devote as much attention to it as to hobbies which do the same?

Try approaching sex as a hobby, and you may soon find your answer to my opening question changes.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Not all porn is created equal

— Is there such a thing as a healthy pornography?

By

We recently saw yet another controversy about sexual representation in Australia. Melissa Kang and Yumi Stynes’ book Welcome to Sex was attacked by the conservative group Australian Women’s Forum, leading to the book being removed from the shelves of Big W – and shooting to the top of the Amazon sales charts.

As a researcher on pornography, I was particularly interested to see that Stynes defended our need for sex education books by saying:

“Many of the discussions around … the putrid effects of porn on real-world sex … come back to teaching about sex and consent and starting that teaching young”.

This is interesting because the book’s critics also feel the same way – Women’s Forum Australia says that it is “deeply concerned about the damaging impact of pornography on women, as well as on men, children and society”.

It seems that wherever you sit politically, there is consensus that pornography is unhealthy.

Modern pornography

But not all pornography is the same. Digital production and distribution has lowered the barriers to entry, whereas previously the “means of production” (as Marx would put it) required producers to be able to afford expensive cameras, lights, editing equipment, the ability to reproduce material, the ability to advertise it and stock it to adult stores or a mail order business.

Nowadays literally anybody with a phone has the ability to create and distribute sexually explicit material. That’s resulted in an explosion in the variety of pornography you can consume. There still exists – although less – expensive glossy mainstream pornography. Alongside it sits a huge range catering to niche sexual interests – people who are interested in feet, balloons, clowns, or in baths full of baked beans.

There is a continuum now of how interactive sexually explicit material can be – from the traditional archives of videos and photographs (nowadays often accessed through “tube sites” like Pornhub) through to fully interactive “camming”, with media like OnlyFans sitting somewhere in the middle.

In this new world of digital pornography, how might we work out what’s healthy?

To answer this question I worked with a team, including Welcome to Sex author Melissa Kang, to establish an expert panel of sexual health experts, adolescent health experts, sex educators, pornography researchers and pornography producers.

We asked them to give us some examples of pornography they thought could support healthy sexual development – and then to reflect on the criteria they had used as they came up with these suggestions. This research was published in full in the International Journal of Sexual Health.

A different kind of pornography

The experts identified four explicit websites that potentially supported healthy sexual development, all of which feature a slightly different kind of pornography.

PinkLabel.TV favours queer indie materials which are often slightly punk in their orientation, with a range of different sexualities, genders and body types, presenting their sex in unashamed ways.

Sex School distributes pornography with a stated educational aim, naming videos with instructional titles, and providing sexually explicit materials that show viewers how to have sex, and provide information about topics such as “consent” and Squirting.

Lust Cinema takes a feminist approach to pornography, paying explicit attention to women’s pleasure and sometimes drawing on the aesthetics of groundbreaking feminist pornographers such as Candida Royalle, with high-quality lighting, better acting, more focus on story, and attractive male actors.

MakeLoveNotPorn favours an amateur aesthetic, with people who are not professional porn actors, often with bodies that would be considered more ordinary than professional pornography performers, presenting a relaxed and ordinary performance of sexuality, often with their own partners in their own homes.

In terms of the criteria the experts used to identify these examples, six of them had broad agreement. It is important, they said, to know pornography is ethically produced. The experts also agreed on the importance of showing a variety of body types, abilities, genders, races and ethnicities.

Both of these points match well with non-expert critiques of pornography.

Diversity and realism

There was also strong agreement among the group that pornography that showed a variety of sexual practices and pleasures – not just penis-in-vagina sex – had the potential to be healthy. This is an interesting finding because unlike the first two it doesn’t match up so well with non-expert critiques.

A lot of discussions about “porn literacy” at the moment critique pornography for being “unrealistic” – and when you dig down into the details often they mean pornography shows too much variety in sex – group sex, anal sex, kinky sex – rather than vanilla, monogamous loving sex.

The experts here are disagreeing with popular narratives about what should count as healthy sexuality.

Negotiation of consent

A fourth criterion on which the experts agreed was the value of showing the negotiation of consent on screen.

This is also an interesting one because most pornography doesn’t show the negotiation of consent. That’s not to say it’s non-consensual – the only pornography you can find on the internet (as opposed to the dark web) is consensually produced. However it doesn’t often show negotiation of consent – pornography is set in a world of fantasy where everybody enjoys everything they do sexually, all the time.

This means most pornography is not a great place to learn how to negotiate consent – that’s simply not what it’s designed for. Ironically the one genre of porn that often does show consent negotiation is BDSM – a form of porn that popular narratives about porn rejects as being particularly unhealthy.

Experts also noted pornography that focused on pleasure for all participants could contribute to healthy sexual development – important when we live in patriarchies that focus on men’s pleasure more than women’s.

Navigating pornography

In this world where so many different kinds of people are producing different kinds of pornography, don’t assume it’s all the same. If you want to find healthy pornography – or you want to advise young adults in your life about how to find healthy pornography – then here are some of the questions you should be asking.

Does it show a variety of body types, genders and sexual acts? Does it pay attention to the sexual pleasure of everyone involved? And does it show consent? If you pay attention to these issues, you can be more comfortable the pornography you’re consuming is helping you to have a happy and healthy sex life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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9 Sex Positions That Will Take Your Tried-&-True Missionary To The Next Level

By Sophie Saint Thomas<

“Missionary position” is a bit of an unfortunate phrase, no? Many missionaries do fine charitable work, but thinking about them isn’t exactly titillating. That’s a shame, because missionary position can actually be amazingly sexy: In missionary position, bodies are close. There’s a lot of sweat. Breath mingles. It’s a perfect position for intimate lovemaking with strong eye contact; it’s also a perfect position for lifting your legs up, going as hard and as deep as possible, and experiencing pleasure in parts of your body you didn’t know existed.

It’s also certainly not just for penis-in-vagina straight sex. Maybe we should rebrand “missionary position” as being about going on a mission to get creative, messy, and come your face off — all while experiencing a closeness with your partner not available in other sex positions. As part of this rebrand, we’ve gathered twists on traditional missionary position that will prove just how hot and varied missionary sex can be.

Standing Missionary

Missionary isn’t just a position for the bed. Switch it up by doing missionary against a wall in any room of your home (this position is great for those times when you’re just too turned on to make it to the bedroom). Have the receiving partner lift their leg for better access to their vagina, while the giving partner holds on to the leg for support.

Spread Missionary

If you saw Fifty Shades Darker or are familiar with BDSM, you may have heard of spreader bars. They usually come with cuffs on either side that are clasped around the submissive partner’s ankles. And they’re the perfect toy to spice up missionary position.

To get into spread missionary, have the dominant partner (the one on top providing penetration) clasp the receiving partner’s ankles in the spreader bar. Then, the dominant partner can lift the submissive’s legs over their head for a kinky twist on a classic position.

Bound Missionary

Bound missionary infuses BDSM into this classic sex position. All you have to do is tie up the arms of the receiving partner over their head. You can use a pair of sex handcuffs or go DIY with rope or tape — whatever turns on you and your partner.

Assisted Missionary

To change the angle of penetration during missionary sex, try placing a pillow under your partner’s bum. You don’t need to buy a pillow made specially for sex; just grab one lying around your bed. By plopping the cushion under the receiving partner, their pelvis lifts, thus allowing for increased G-spot or P-spot (for those with prostates having anal sex) stimulation.

Pretzel Missionary

In the pretzel version of missionary position, the receiving partner simply lifts their legs and wraps them like a salty snack around the partner providing penetration. It’s a variation both parties will love: By wrapping their legs around, the receiving partner can pull their lover further inside, controlling the depth of penetration, gripping tight if they feel something they like. For the partner providing penetration, not only are they aided in thrusting, which can be heavy cardio, but they’re able to feel the warmth of being entangled in legs.

Impaled Missionary

“Impaled” is a bit of a violent term, but that’s what the Kama Sutra calls this variation, officially “shulachitaka.” The receiving partner lifts one leg up, which, like a lever on a La-Z-Boy, allows the couple to play with various angles. A leg over the shoulder is always hot, and by lifting one leg up, if the receiving partner has a vagina, this position also creates more space for the person on top to rub their clit.

Rockette Missionary

Rockette missionary sex takes impalement to the next level (and forces the person lying down to do a little cardio). Just like with impaled missionary, the receiving partner lifts one leg up along their partner’s body, but in this version you take turns, switching legs up and down like a Rockette dancer. This position is known in the Kama Sutra as “the broken flute (venudaritaka).”

Strap-On Missionary

Strap-on missionary sex can be done by all genders and orientations, not just by two people with vaginas (although that’s awesome too). It’s a wonderful way for a person with a vagina to see what it feels like being on top of their partner with a penis, by slowly inserting a (well-lubricated, please) dildo into their partner’s vagina or butt. When using a strap-on, take the time to research and find the right one for you, and always clean afterward with warm water and antibacterial soap. Just like with penises, use a condom if using on multiple partners.

Anal Missionary

There is definitely nothing boring about having missionary sex in your butt. Compared to the doggy-style version of sex typically associated with anal, missionary anal sex can take a bit more maneuvring, but it’s well worth it (to help get the angle right, it might be helpful to place a pillow under the receiver). The intimate eye contact involved in missionary takes a sex act like anal, often associated with roughness, and proves it can also be soft and sweet. Regardless of whether you’re using a dildo or penis in anal missionary, as the anus isn’t self-lubricating, make sure to always use proper lubrication. Pro tip: If you’re doing anal missionary with someone who has a vagina, never switch from butt to vagina without a proper washing. That’s how yeast and urinary tract infections are made!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What to expect when you’re expecting

— How will your sex life change during pregnancy and postpartum?

The perinatal period can be hectic. It’s understandable that sex may be on the back burner for a little while.

By &

Welcoming a new baby is often a joyous experience for couples. While many couples take time to prepare for the arrival of their bundle of joy, fewer take time to prepare for challenges that can emerge in their sexual and romantic relationships during this period.

At The University of British Columbia’s Sexuality and Well-Being Lab (SWell), we conduct research to understand the factors that lead some couples to thrive during pregnancy and the postpartum while others struggle. We then use this research to develop resources to help couples navigate these changes together.

What to expect

Sexual challenges during pregnancy and the postpartum are common. Up to 88 per cent of people who give birth and 45 per cent of their partners experience problems with their sex life during this time.

With shifting roles and responsibilities, the perinatal period (pregnancy and up to one year postpartum) can be hectic. It’s understandable that sex may be on the back burner for a little while.

Studies conducted by our team and our collaborators at Dalhousie University have shown that many expectant and new parents desire sex less often and/or at different times than their partner.

Many couples report having distressing concerns about their sex life, such as body image or whether having sex during pregnancy will hurt the baby — FYI, it won’t. Approximately one in five people who gave birth report moderate pain during sex that either starts in pregnancy or after the baby is born.

Sexual problems usually get worse throughout pregnancy until three months postpartum, when they generally start improving.

A pregnant woman lying on her back and a smiling man lying beside her with his hand on her belly
Expectant and new parent couples often don’t know what to expect when it comes to their sex lives.

If this seems daunting, you’ll be encouraged to hear that despite sexual challenges being common, 64 per cent of couples say that they are still sexually satisfied during this time.

This is great news because having a strong sexual connection with your partner is important for your mental and physical health, and contributes to the longevity of your relationship.

The information gap

Expectant and new parent couples often don’t know what to expect when it comes to their sex lives. In a recent study sampling 204 couples across Canada and the United States, we found that up to 78 per cent of expectant and new parents received little to no information about changes to their sexuality. This is despite most individuals wanting to receive sex-related information!

Given that sexual problems are common and not inconsequential to the health of the romantic relationship, this lack of information for couples about what to expect regarding their perinatal sexuality is a problem.

On top of this information gap, the content of information that couples receive doesn’t match what they want to receive.

In our study, we found that expectant and new parents most often received information about things like safety of sexual activity in pregnancy, contraception, when to resume sex in the postpartum and information only relevant to the partner who gave birth.

What’s missing is reassurance that changes to sexuality are common and advice on how to manage changes. Information about the sexuality of the partner who didn’t give birth is also lacking, even though both members of the couple are affected. Expectant and new parents want a variety of information to help them be better prepared.

Research has also revealed that psychological factors such as postpartum depression, social factors such as divisions of labour and relationship factors such as coping together as a couple are important for couples’ sexual relationships in pregnancy and the postpartum.

Perhaps surprisingly, biological factors — such as whether the delivery was vaginal or caesarean, and the degree of tearing — are not strong predictors of sexual problems during this time.

Translating knowledge into practice

Health-care professionals feel they have a lack of knowledge and training to talk about sexual health with expectant and new parents, and worry that doing so would make them and/or their patients feel uncomfortable. However, our research showed that most couples would welcome these conversations.

Health-care professionals need training on how to initiate conversations about perinatal sexual health with expectant and new parents, but they also need to know the latest research in this area.

Researchers at Dalhousie University recently produced a series of short informational videos that summarize recent research on sex after having a baby. The goal of #PostBabyHankyPanky is to normalize changes to postpartum sexuality, encourage conversations about sex between partners and help health-care professionals feel more prepared to have these discussions with their patients.

If you’re a new or expectant parent and you’ve been noticing changes in your relationship, here’s some good news: Our research shows that when couples receive more information about what to expect regarding changes to their sex lives in pregnancy or the postpartum (like what you’ve read here) they report greater desire, engage in sex more often, feel more sexually satisfied and feel less worried about their sex lives.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Queer a Slur?

— Exploring the Meaning and Use of the Term

A group of LGBTQ+ people

Wondering if queer is a slur? Let’s explore the historical context and controversy surrounding its use, and the term’s reclamation.

By

The use of the word “queer” has become so widespread that it’s now represented by the letter “Q” in the initialism LGBTQ+. However, some individuals find the word offensive or feel that it doesn’t represent them.

A closer look at the word reveals how it became a slur, how LGBTQ+ activists and academics have reclaimed the word, and the way its definition continues to change in the face of social and political challenges.

Understanding the term “Queer”

The current Oxford Languages Dictionary defines “queer” as an old-fashioned verb meaning “to spoil or ruin” and an adjective meaning either “strange, odd” or “relating to a sexual or gender identity that does not correspond to established ideas of sexuality and gender, especially heterosexual norms.”

That last definition, in simpler words, means that “queer” is an umbrella term for people who aren’t heterosexual or cisgender.

“Queer” first popped up in the English language during the 16th century as a synonym for “strange” and “illegitimate.” In the 19th century, it began to mean “odd,” and by the end of that century, people used it as a slur against effeminate men and men who slept with other men.

However, in the 1980s, some gay and lesbian activists began reclaiming “queer” as an empowering self-designation. Academics also began studying “queer theory” to examine so-called traditional “norms” of sex and gender and their intersection with political identities and social power structures.

The word’s meaning continues to evolve, even now. Some people user queer as a verb that means “to challenge something’s commonly expected function” or as an adjective that includes any intimate practices or familial structures that fall outside of mainstream “norms.”

“‘Queer is still a word that many find offensive,” NPR’s editor for standards and practices Mark Memmott explained in 2019. “For many people, it’s still a difficult word to hear or read because of the past history.”

Jason DeRose, a senior editor who oversaw coverage of LGBTQ+ rights at NPR in 2019, noted that some members of older generations, like Baby Boomers, may find the term problematic or hurtful because it was used for decades as a slur, particularly during years when LGBTQ+ identities were criminalized and considered as forms of mental illness.

Often the slur was used while verbally harassing or assaulting people who were perceived as different. Such insults could raise suspicions about one’s identity and private life and leave them subject to discrimination, investigation, or other social consequences — like being fired from a job or disowned from a family — as a result.

However, younger generations, like Millenials and Gen Xers, tend to be more comfortable with the term, having grown up at a time of greater societal acceptance towards LGBTQ+ people.

Reclaiming the term “Queer”

In the late 1980s and early ’90s, some LGBTQ+ people began using “queer” as a neutral or empowering self-identity that signified people who aren’t heterosexual or who aren’t cisgender.

Some of these people re-claimed “queer” to throw the slur back in society’s face or to show a defiant Pride in the very identities that society long told them to feel ashamed and afraid of. As the number of proud “queers” increased, it gradually became harder to treat all LGBTQ+ people like a powerless minority.

One of the earliest well-known reclaimers of the slur was the LGBTQ+ direct-action activist group Queer Nation. The group emerged to fight queerphobia during the HIV epidemic by raising the visibility of queer people in non-queer public spaces, like bars.

Queer Nation used the well-known protest chant — “We’re Here! We’re Queer! Get used to it!” — to communicate an unwillingness to go back into the closet or behave as others expected.

The group’s chapters in other states distributed informational pamphlets about queer sex and famous queers throughout history; held a “kiss-in” at the 1992 Academy Awards red carpet to protest queer exclusion in Hollywood films; massively protested homophobic entertainers and incidents of anti-queer violence; arranged a “Pink Panther” street patrol to prevent queer-bashings; and broadcast video of two milk-covered men kissing on public access television.

These actions weren’t just to make heterosexual people uncomfortable — they were also meant to encourage other queers to creatively challenge the systems of heteronormativity that often treated LGBTQ+ people as easy targets for violence, harassment, and exclusion.

Some activists have taken the idea a step further with “queercore” and “queer shame,” a punk rock approach that rejects the idea that LGBTQ+ people should be respectable, otherwise indistinguishable from straight people, and “brand-safe” for large companies and political movements to exploit.

Is queer a slur, LGBTQ+

Current usage of “Queer”

The meaning of “queer” has also changed in response to academic thinkers in the field of “queer studies.”

Examinations of sexuality and gender once resided in the “Women’s Studies” departments of colleges and universities. The earliest thinkers in this field examined how “traditional” conceptions of gender, sexuality, identity, and desire create socio-political power structures that can be explored, critiqued, and challenged. “Queer studies” emerged from this discipline as an interdisciplinary field.

Queer thinkers challenge the idea that individual identities are fixed and unchanging, that gender and sexuality are binary, and that sexual practices are either normal or abnormal. Rather than treating heterosexuality and cisgender identities as “normal” or “natural,” queer theorists believe that sexuality and gender are socially constructed by cultural media and individually performed by how people publicly present themselves. These can change depending on the time, place, and context.

Not all people agree that “queer” is the same as “gay.” For some, queerness refers to people whose identities, lived experiences, and outlooks fall out of the mainstream as well as the protection of the mainstream.

For example, a gay, cisgender, white, Christian, American man might not be considered “queer” by some because his mainstream identities may grant him more social protections than a Black, pansexual, transgender, female immigrant living in Iraq. This woman’s unique identities aren’t nearly as “mainstream” as the gay man’s and don’t provide nearly as many social protections.

“Queer” has also increasingly been used as a verb that means “to challenge something’s commonly expected function.” One can “queer” social expectations by identifying, behaving, and appearing in ways that challenge preexisting social norms. For example, someone can “queer” the institution of marriage by having multiple sexual or emotional partners, not living with their spouse, or having relationship rules and familial structures that don’t follow the “traditional nuclear family.”

For example, polyamory and kink both fall outside of legal protections: You can legally be fired or have your children taken away for both, and both — like LGBTQ+ identity — have been vilified as forms of social deviance and mental illness.

But using “queer” in this way would qualify some heterosexual and cisgender people as “queer,” an idea that might upset some LGBTQ+ people who disapprove of straight polyamorists and ministers applying an anti-queer slur to themselves. However, other LGBTQ+ individuals might be fine with straight “queers” as long as the heterosexuals elevate LGBTQ+ voices and advocate for LGBTQ+ rights.

Others might dislike “queer” as a catch-all term for any non-hetero and non-cis people because it erases their unique identities, lumping them all together in one category rather than proclaiming their unique sexual orientation and gender identity. Such people might proclaim, “I’m not queer, I’m lesbian,” or “I’m not ‘queer’ — I’m ‘omnisexual!’”

As always, it’s important to allow people to self-identify with whatever terms they feel most comfortable with, and to allow community members to accept it or to experience productive tensions and dialogues about what it means to be queer.

The Running Debate Over Using “Queer”

Over the last half-century, queer has transformed from a hateful slur to a political identity that challenges cis-heteronormativity. While some people still find “queer” offensive or feel that it erases their unique identities and experiences, others find it empowering and a useful way to grow a cultural movement while critiquing oppressive socio-political structures around sex, gender, desire, identity, and power.

The term remains a complex and slippery one that will likely change, especially as people gain a greater understanding of the many ways they identify with and experience sex and gender. For some, “queer” will be an important identity (something they are). For others, “queer” will be an important action (something they do).

Some LGBTQ+ people may reject the “queer” label entirely, but regardless, it’ll always remain important to understand the context in which it is used and to respect each individual’s choice of language.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Do My Testicles Hurt When I Ejaculate?

— Sometimes ‘hurts so good’ turns into ‘it just plain hurts.’ Find out why.

By Kurtis Bright

Balls are weird.

Use whatever adjectives you want to describe them: sensitive, vulnerable, goofy, defenseless, squishable. The fact remains, these things are kind of crazy when you think about them.

Now consider that for testicles to produce healthy sperm—it is their main job, after all—they have to basically live outside a man’s body. This is so they maintain a temperature that’s about 2 degrees cooler than the rest of him. 

They dangle like a bizarre pair of rotund, fleshy earrings from the spermatic cords, which, if twisted, can cause a testicle to begin dying within hours. And of course, we all know what happens if someone gives them a swift kick.

The ‘hurts so good’ part of sex shouldn’t be unplanned testicular pain.

Nature’s a wonderful thing but, really, who would deliberately come up with a design like this?

Of course, you associate ejaculating with pleasure, but it may come as a surprise that for some, there can be pain involved. Let’s get straight to the question that plagues some men: Why do my testicles hurt when I ejaculate?

An infection could cause pain in your testicles when you ejaculate

Simple explanations are nice when it comes to medicine and sexual health. It’s always good when straightforward problems can be answered with straightforward solutions. Sometimes, that’s true with testicular pain during ejaculation if it turns out to be an infection. Typically, that means you get a round of antibiotics for a week or two, and you’re good to go.

“Infection can certainly be a reason for testicular pain,” said Amy Pearlman, M.D., a men’s health specialist and co-founder of Prime Institute in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. “Those can be much easier to treat: they get tested, and if it’s positive, you treat them.”

Keep in mind, though, that an infection is likely to be pretty noticeable. It might be more acute when you ejaculate, but if you have an infection involving the testicles, it’s always going to be with you.

“If someone has an infection, it’s going to hurt all the time until it’s treated,” Pearlman said. “You’re not going to have pain only when you ejaculate. The testicle is usually enlarged or they have a red, hot scrotum. An infection is going to be pretty obviously different on a physical exam.”

Scar tissue could cause pain in your testicles when you ejaculate

If you’ve ever learned about Peyronie’s disease, you know that scar tissue in the genital region can dramatically affect such sensitive and delicate structures.

A type of scar tissue unrelated to Peyronie’s can build up on the inside of the urethra and may cause a man to experience pain when he ejaculates. Imagine a hoarder’s apartment with decades’ worth of old newspapers piled up along the hallway. If a crowd of people tried to jam through there all at once at a high rate of speed, they’re going to get clogged. That’s what happens with scar tissue in the urethra.

“Oftentimes, where scar tissue develops in the urethra is in front of the ejaculatory duct, toward the tip of the penis,” Pearlman said. “So when the ejaculatory fluid is trying to go in, it’s trying to go past this scar tissue and it has trouble doing that. That can cause a high-pressure situation back toward the testicles.”

Testicle retraction could cause pain when you ejaculate

In case you missed it earlier, balls are weird.

For instance, they move up and down in response to temperature, exertion, anxiety or sexual stimulus. Sometimes, though, when a man ejaculates, the testicle may pull up so high it retracts up into the body cavity. This movement, combined with the sudden surge of semen coursing through the system at high speeds, can cause discomfort.

“Sometimes, the testicle will retract upward during different types of activity,” Pearlman said. “It could be if they’re anxious or if someone goes outside when it’s cold, it will retract. But sometimes, too, with ejaculation or sexual activity, the testicle can sometimes ride all the way up and into the groin region.”

Chronic pelvic pain syndrome

A phenomenon known as “referred pain” often comes up when discussing male sexual health issues. That’s because the entire pelvic region is filled with nerves that connect muscles, organs and sexual structures with a variety of functions and conditions that can affect them.

For instance, the pelvic floor muscles—a sling-like apparatus that runs from your pubic bone in the front underneath to the tailbone in the back—are involved in urination, defecation, sexual functioning, ejaculation and helping your core keep you upright.

It’s crisscrossed with branches of the pudendal nerve that links the spine and brain to the penis, prostate gland and testicles. When something goes awry down there, the nervous system may register it as pain but not be able to provide an entirely accurate picture of where that pain originates.

The more sensitive something is—we’re looking at you, testicles—the more likely we are to “think” that’s where the pain originates.

“You have to separate out testicular pain into acute pain and chronic pain. Prostatitis and prostate infections can cause painful ejaculations, for instance. But more often than not, what we see is chronic pelvic pain syndrome (CPPS) being the cause. It’s usually a pelvic floor muscle spasm issue,” said Neel Parekh, M.D., a men’s fertility and sexual health specialist with Cleveland Clinic.

He said it’s pretty straightforward.

“When the pelvic muscles are tight, those are the same muscles that contract during ejaculation,” Parekh added. “So when you ejaculate, you’re contracting an already tight muscle, which causes further pain and discomfort.”

Conclusions

Yes, testicles are weird, but they’re the only ones we’ve got, and most of the conditions described mentioned here aren’t going to get better on their own. It’s also worth noting that infections and CPPS can get worse if they’re ignored.

The “hurts so good” part of sex shouldn’t be unplanned testicular pain. Don’t let your weird buddies suffer unnecessarily. Plan to talk to your doctor as soon as you start to feel pain down there during sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Does it Mean to be Rubber?

— Identity is ever-changing, it may be difficult to understand where you stand and that is totally okay! Sexuality and identity is fluid, the most important part is letting yourself explore and learn what you feel the most comfortable with.

By

In this article, we’ll tackle what it means to be rubber and what it entails to be a part of this community.

Queer communities have a long history of subcultures. From bears, to otters, to butches, there are a variety of ways in which community members have created spaces to feel more like themselves. These subcultures are just another way in which queer folks can feel better represented and seen.

The rubber community is a subculture that involves wearing or fetishizing latex clothing. Wearing latex signals their association and pride with their unconventional approach to sex. Rubber subculture is often related to BDSM practices and interest in sexual activities that involve wearing latex apparel. The queer community has close ties to the BDSM community and we often see them intermingle. This is why a lot of rubber community members are also a part of the LGBTQ+ community.

Learning that you might be a part of the rubber community might be scary at first, but there are many ways to plug yourself into the community and learn to be comfortable with yourself.

if you’re curious about how you might identify, here’s what you should know about what being rubber means:

History of rubber culture

The boom of the latex fetish began in the 1960s and early 1970s. The British TV program The Avengers is often seen as the catalyst for the movement. PVC boots, catsuits, and raincoats were just a few of the kinds of garments that began the rubber subculture.

In 1972 a magazine called AtomAge was founded. It featured BDSM imagery and helped popularize and solidify these subcultures mainly within younger groups of people. In addition, latex became closely related to popular rock bands such as the Sex Pistols who were also huge influencers at the time. The rubber fetish was becoming more and more socially acceptable and popular.

In the 1980s the rubber subculture took a turn and made its way into nightlife culture. Club kids and performers started wearing latex outfits and became pioneers of the rubber subculture. This also brought the rubber community and BDSM community closer. At this time the idea of wearing latex became more related to sexual practices and fetishization.

What makes someone a part of the rubber community?

The one thing all rubber community members have in common is a love of latex itself. Other than that the way one approaches being rubber is completely up to them. Some rubber community members like to wear skin-tight latex outfits such as a catsuit often associated with the dominatrix community. Others might turn to gas masks or galoshes, it all depends on your preference.

The rubber subculture refers to those who feel sexual gratification from feeling, seeing, or even tasting latex. A lot of community members describe wearing latex as a “second skin” which is why it is appealing to some. It may feel like you are naked when you are wearing latex even though you are not, which is a turn-on for some latex wearers.

In addition, sex toys such as dildos or butt plugs are often made from rubber which may be another reason why it’s a material people often associate with sex. The sensory experience of touching latex is a big reason why rubber can be considered sexual.

Truly the main thing that makes someone rubber is being an active community member. The rubber subculture can be seen represented at pride weeks and in safe spaces. In recent years, it has been very important to understand how sex can be more than just conventional.

It’s also always a great idea to trust that members of the community know more about their identity than you do. Listen to rubber community members when they speak about their identity and don’t doubt or assume anything.

Perspectives on being rubber

Being a part of the rubber community should be a source of pride. Being able to be a part of these subcultures can mean a variety of things including finding yourself and where you stand in terms of your sexuality and identity. It is important to remember that communities such as the rubber community face a great deal of oppression and unwarranted hate.

There are a variety of myths and misconceptions regarding the rubber community that we are working on debunking. Because the rubber subculture is closely related to the BDSM community and explores a very sex-positive part of oneself this leads to unnecessarily negative connotations. The idea that rubbers are “all about sex” or that the community is “abusive” are lies and myths. Consensual sex is the only kind of sex accepted within these communities, non-consensual acts are NOT condoned in any shape or form. Sex positivity changes the cultural attitude we have that sex is “taboo” when in fact it is just another way we express ourselves.

It is also important to note the intersectionality between the rubber community and the LGBTQ+ community, Although the rubber community is accepting of everyone we should always acknowledge those who pioneered the movement and who at first were marginalized and oppressed for expressing themselves. It is because of these brave individuals that we can have things such as rubber pride week.

A great way to better understand the rubber perspective is to keep up to date with rubber news and follow individuals who are advocating for rights and policies that benefit the community. Reading about what it means to be rubber and be a part of this vast community is a great way to better understand the rubber viewpoint.

The rubber flag

The rubber pride flag was designed by Peter Tolos and Scott Moats in 1995. This flag is not meant to represent any sexualities or gender identities. It is only meant to represent the rubber community as a whole. Regardless, this flag is often seen flying at pride week because a lot of LGBTQ+ community members also identify with the rubber subculture. The colors mean as follows:

  • Black: The desire for the rubber/latex look and feel.
  • Red: The blood passion for rubbermen (gay men with a rubber fetish) and rubber itself.
  • Yellow: A drive for intense rubber play and fantasies.

Bottom Line

Being rubber can mean a lot of things, it can mean your love for the kink world, for rubber garments itself, or for sensory play. There is not just one way to approach being a part of the rubber community. Although there are many who don’t understand the nuances and layers that come with this multifaceted identity, there is nothing wrong with being rubber. You are the only person who can determine your identity.

Subcultures within the LGBGTQ+ community are an essential part of what it means to be whoever you want to be. That is why the BDSM community and the LGBTQ+ community have so many ties, because both communities value the idea of being yourself.

If some of the ideas above resonate with you and you’re thinking of coming out, make sure the conditions are safe and have a plan of action regarding housing and food if things don’t go as planned.
In addition, be sure to learn about the other identities that make up the LGBTQ+ community on our website or subscribe to the INTO newsletter to learn more.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex After 60?

— You Need to Know About STD Prevention

By

Coming this fall to your TV screen: “The Golden Bachelor.” That’s right, reality television fans, seniors are finally getting their shot at this (somewhat unscripted) love connection. The suspenseful rose ceremonies and extravagant date nights are likely. But will there be an overnight in the fantasy suite?

If this is, in fact, reality, then there should be. Physical intimacy important — sex even has health benefits. Yes, even for those in their twilight years. Shining a light on sex after 60 may be just what the doctor ordered. But seniors also need to know how to protect themselves from sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

STD Rates Rise Along with Sex After 60

Sexual health may not be a topic older adults are keen on discussing — even with their care providers. “Unfortunately, this reluctance to talk about sex is putting newly single seniors at risk for sexually transmitted infections,” says Laurie Archbald-Pannone, MD, a geriatrician with UVA Health. As a geriatrician, she specializes in primary care for older adults.

One analysis showed that in adults over age 60, diagnosis rates for STDs (also known as sexually transmitted infections or STIs) increased 23% in 3 years.

That’s more than double the increase seen in the rest of the population, which saw a rise of just 11% in diagnoses of STDs. The main STDS are gonorrhea, chlamydia, and herpes simplex.

Why the STD Boom Among Boomers?

The rise is likely due to “a lack of awareness among this age group about STI prevalence and prevention,” says Archbald-Pannone.

“A common scenario is when someone older in life suddenly rejoins the dating scene after a decades-long monogamous relationship. This person may not have a history of STI education, so may not be aware of appropriate prevention or STI signs and symptoms,” she says.

With increased availability of medications for menopausal symptoms and erectile dysfunction, sex after 60 is more common. But older adults are also more susceptible to infections due to age-related changes in immune function. For women, postmenopausal vaginal dryness can increase the risk for tears in the vaginal wall, which can accelerate the spread of infection.

Let’s Talk About Sex After 60

Unfortunately, says Archbald-Pannone, many clinicians are missing an opportunity to educate this population about STD prevention, including the use of condoms and the importance of screening.

“In terms of sexual health, we as providers readily talk about STI prevention with younger patients,” she says. “Among older adults, however, studies show clinicians are not having the same conversations. Often it’s because the provider is uncomfortable bringing up the topic. At any age, it’s difficult to discuss sensitive topics. But, as providers, we can have a big impact by talking to our patients about sexual practices, sexual health and STI prevention.

“We have to make sure that, as clinicians, we’re well educated on these topics so we can be a resource for our patients,” adds Archbald-Pannone. “We also have to create a judgment-free, open environment so patients feel comfortable having those conversations.”

4 Tips for STD Prevention

For anyone entering a sexual relationship, Archbald-Pannone has the following advice:

Talk to Your Partner

Be aware of your partner’s sexual history and STD risk factors before being intimate.

Use Protection

Condoms or other barrier methods used during intercourse prevent infections.

Looking for Senior Healthcare?

UVA Health geriatricians are experts in senior care.

Get Screened & Encourage Partners to Do the Same

If you are sexually active — either with a new partner, with several partners, or if your partner has recently had sex with others — you should have an annual STD screening. There is no age cutoff for screening.

Know STD Symptoms

If you’re having sex after 60 or any age, educate yourself on the signs and symptoms of gonorrhea, chlamydia, and herpes simplex. Some of the most common include:

  • Bumps, sores, or lesions around the genitals
  • Discharge from the penis or vagina
  • Painful urination

Get Treated

If you experience any unusual symptoms after engaging in sexual intercourse, don’t delay treatment. The condition can get worse.

Be sure to discuss your diagnosis with your partner so that they can get treatment as well.

Talk to Your Doctor

Your sexual health is an important part of your overall well-being. So don’t hesitate to discuss your questions and concerns with a clinician. Make your doctor aware of changes in your sexual practices to ensure you’re making safe choices when having sex after 60 or any age.

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