Tag: Sex Education

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How Long Is Too Long Without Sex in a Relationship?

— The answer is…complicated.

By Kayla Blanton

If you and your significant other suddenly feel a bit distant—whether it’s due to a post-honeymoon dip in excitement or the wedge of chaotic work schedules—it’s easy to spiral about the relationship’s fate, and Google: How long is too long to go without sex? There, you’ll find plenty of articles that attempt to answer your question—including this one—but the reality is, there is no way to hack to the nuanced form of connection that is human sexuality.

Meet the Experts: Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and marriage therapist and member of Kindra’s Advisory Board and Tatiana Rivera, L.I.C.S.W., a clinical and social work therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org.

Sex is one of the most universal pillars of well-being and relationships. It contributes to emotional intimacy, bonding, and “overall life satisfaction,” explains Juliana Hauser, Ph.D., a sex and marriage therapist and member of Kindra’s Advisory Board. However, the importance of sex—and what it looks like—varies among individuals and couples.

Still, with the help of experts, we took our best crack at better understanding dry spells, not wanting sex, or even wanting sex at different times. Keep reading for tips on how to enhance sexual connection, and to for our answer the ever-elusive existential question:

How long is too long without sex in a relationship?

“I don’t believe there’s a universal timeline,” says Hauser. “Every relationship is unique, and factors like life changes, overall stress, time constraints, physical and mental health, and communication styles, among many other factors, all play into the opportunity and desire for sexual connection.”

As a sex and relationship therapist, Hauser adds that she’s seen a variety of timelines work for her clients. “If there is mutual satisfaction within the relationship, there’s no arbitrary time frame that defines a healthy sexual connection,” she says.

On the flip side, Tatiana Rivera, L.I.C.S.W., a clinical and social work therapist with ADHDAdvisor.org says if she had to put parameters around it, on average, a “dry spell” could be defined as going without sex or any form of sexual contact for two to six months. But Hauser prefers not to use the term “dry spell” at all, “as it can use feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy, which only makes things worse,” she says, adding: “I see a lack of sexual connection in a relationship as a concern only when it causes distress or dissatisfaction for one or both partners.”

An important sidebar: Hauser prefers the term “sexual connection” as opposed to just “sex” when having this discussion, because there are many ways to engage in it outside of penetrative sex, “such as giving each other massages, a passionate kiss, sensual snuggling, and more,” she says. “In many cases, having long talks beneath the covers or sharing a deep conversation over dinner can feel incredibly sexually stimulating and that all counts in my book.”

Hauser continues: “What’s important is to define what each person needs to feel an intimate connection and to be intentional about cultivating those moments.” The catch is, those needs will likely be ever-changing. “What feels connected and intimate one week may look different the next, and committing to the journey with your partner while keeping communication front and center is more important than the acts themselves,” she adds.

How much sex is healthy in a relationship?

“It’s perfectly normal and expected for sexual patterns and frequency to change over time,” says Hauser. However, as a frame of reference, one 2017 study found that the average adult had sex 54 times per year, which is about once a week. Another 2015 study found that near-weekly frequency led to the greatest happiness in couples. “There are many scientific investigations establishing that healthy intimacy occurs two to three times a week,” adds Rivera.

If your sex life doesn’t match up to these numbers, you shouldn’t feel behind, because, again, every couple is different. “Couples I admire and believe are mutually supportive of each other, while maintaining a strong sense of self, find a balance that fulfills both partners’ needs and desires, and encourages and supports an open dialogue,” Hauser says.

Reasons you’re not having sex

Dips in libido can often be attributed to work, family, health, or life changes like menopause, explains Hauser. “What matters most is the quality of intimacy and the emotional connection shared by the couple,” she adds.

How to improve your sex life

If your quality of life becomes affected by a fluctuating sex life, Hauser and Rivera say it’s a good idea to create a plan of action. Here are some of their tips:

Communicate openly

If you’re dissatisfied sexually, your partner can’t know that unless you verbalize it, which, yes, is easier said than done. “What I find to be essential is open and honest communication about desires, needs, and expectations,” says Hauser. If you’re on the receiving end of concerns, it’s also important to show patience, empathy, and understanding, while also advocating for your needs, she adds.

Try the four quadrants exercise

One of Hauser’s favorite exercises for communication about sex is what she calls the four quadrants exercise, which can help you explore your sexual fantasies as a couple. Divide a piece of paper into four and label the quadrants as follows: 1. Things I have done and would like to do again, 2. Things I have done once and would not do again, 3. Things I have not done and would like to try, 4. Things I have not done and do not want to try.

“Fill it out separately, then discuss your lists together. Keep an open mind and maybe you’ll feel excited about trying something new, or can agree to discontinue something you both aren’t enjoying,” she says.

Tap into all of your senses

Again, sexual connection doesn’t always have to look a specific way. “I love guiding clients to explore their senses and sensuality outside of traditional sexual connection in order to reboot,” says Hauser. “Think of the senses you have access to and incorporate time in your day to reconnect with the smells, tastes, and sights that bring you joy, that keep you in the present moment, and that light you up. It’s amazing how powerful this practice can be.”

Develop a sexual toolbox

Kindra-Harris poll that surveyed women over 50 found that more than half of them keep a “sexual toolbox” equipped with lubricants, toys, and other products that help make sex as enjoyable and pleasurable as possible. “Menopause is one of the most common causes of a ‘dry spell’ in a couple’s relationship,” says Hauser. “Over half of women experience vaginal dryness after menopause, which can make sexual connection downright painful. If this resonates, I’d recommend trying a daily vaginal moisturizer like Kindra’s Daily Vaginal Lotion, as well as a lubricant during intimacy.”

Seek out a sex therapist

Lastly, if you try all of the above and a lack of intimacy persists, becoming a source of frustration, Hauser recommends seeking guidance from a sex therapist or other professional who can provide valuable insights catered to your relationship.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Understanding The Science Of Attraction

— The sensation of attraction in those who experience it can feel powerful and mysterious, but researchers have learned some illuminating things about how it works.

By BetterHelp Editorial Team

The feeling of being attracted to someone involves your physical senses, your hormones, your nerves, and even your immune system. It can be sparked by a wide variety of cues, from the shape of another person’s face to the particular way they smell. Keep reading for a more detailed look at what science can tell us about the factors that may draw two people who experience romantic and/or sexual attraction together.

The Science Of Attraction: The Basics

To start, let’s take a closer look at what’s actually happening in your body when you feel that first rush of attraction to someone else. The initial surge of excitement appears to involve a complex balancing act between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. The sympathetic system is the “fight-or-flight” mechanism, and it’s what makes your heart race and your pulse pound when you’re looking at someone you desire.

Research suggests that a moderate amount of sympathetic nervous activity may be necessary for the initial stages of arousal, but that too much or too little can suppress desire. This might explain why watching a scary movie when you know you’re safe can be a fun date night, or why activities that make your heart race can increase feelings of attraction. The parasympathetic system, then, is more associated with relaxation and pleasure. It’s involved in many of the physical changes in the body during sex, such as genital swelling and releasing of sexual fluids.

The early stages of arousal also often cause your blood to pump faster and your pupils to dilate. They may increase your skin’s conductivity too, which is perhaps why attraction can feel so electric. Then, as two people become better acquainted and their intimacy deepens, dopamine-mediated pathways in their brains may become more active. These systems are associated with rewards, habit formation, and even addiction, and they may be what prompts people who are falling in love to obsess over their partners and feel a rush of pleasure just from being near them.

Specific Factors Involved In Attraction

Extensive research has been done into why people are more attracted to some individuals than others. While there’s still plenty to learn, you can read on for an overview of some key research in this area.

The Role Of Immediate First Impressions

We’ve all seen cartoons or movies where a person spots someone they find good-looking and their jaw drops and eyes widen, conveying instant attraction. Though it doesn’t normally happen quite like this, research suggests that our brains do make very rapid judgments about who we find attractive.

In a study conducted at Trinity College in Dublin, researchers briefly showed participants images of possible dating partners. Later, they were given the opportunity to actually interact with the people in the photos during a speed-dating event. Their snap judgments during the four seconds they spent looking at the photos turned out to be good predictors of who they would go on to click with in conversation.

Brain scans pointed to two areas that seemed critical for making these judgments about attractiveness. One is a structure called the paracingulate cortex, which appears to be involved in social evaluation. It tended to light up when viewing photos of people that the majority of participants rated as attractive. Another area, the rostromedial prefrontal cortex, seemed to activate more for people that weren’t attractive to the majority but sparked a particular viewer’s interest.

The Role Of Eye Contact

While a quick glance at another person’s face may be enough to spark attraction, a long, soulful gaze may be important for deepening it. Prolonged eye contact can provoke an experience of intimacy and vulnerability that may be important in forming interpersonal bonds. In a pair of studies conducted in the 1980s, one found that those who exchanged a mutual, unbroken gaze with a participant they didn’t know for two minutes reported a “greater liking” of them than any of the other subjects. The other indicated that existing romantic partners who were assigned the same task reported a “significant increase in feelings of passionate love, dispositional love, and liking for their partner”.

In a related study, researcher Arthur Aron developed a series of 36 increasingly intimate questions that a pair of strangers could ask one another to generate a sense of closeness, which they were to follow by four minutes of prolonged, silent eye contact. His goal was to figure out how to craft the sense of intimacy that can make strangers fall in love. In this initial study, participants left with more positive feelings for each other—and one pair famously went on to get married.

The Role Of Scents

There seems to be a lot more to the science of attraction than visual appeal; smell appears to be another important piece of the puzzle.

Research suggests that, while humans were long considered to have an underdeveloped sense of smell compared to many animals, pheromones may actually play “an important role in the behavioral and reproduction biology of humans”.

Pheromones are chemicals humans naturally secrete that may serve as a form of “olfactory communication”, especially when it comes to attraction.

For instance, androstadienone, a compound present in male sweat, seemed to improve the mood, emotional focus, and sexual arousal of heterosexual women in some experiments. Meanwhile, chemicals called copulins that are found in vaginal secretions seem to provoke higher ratings of female attractiveness to heterosexual males. Copulins also caused men to rate themselves as more attractive to women, suggesting that they might play a role as confidence boosters.

>Another potential component of scent-based attraction may be the immune system. Some studies have indicated that heterosexual women may be more likely to be attracted to the body odor of men whose genes for certain types of immune cells are different from their own. There could be an evolutionary advantage in this behavior, because a child with more diversity in their immune system may be able to fight off a greater variety of diseases.

Attraction And Fertility

From an evolutionary perspective, all sexual behavior is aimed at producing offspring. That may be why studies have found that people of multiple genders find women’s faces more attractive when they’re ovulating. There appear to be subtle changes in appearance associated with this part of the menstrual cycle that can be detected even in photos. Another experiment showed a similar effect on body odor, with men preferring the smell of women’s clothes during the most fertile part of their cycles. Even women’s voices may shift during ovulation, sounding more attractive to heterosexual men.

Similarly, experiments suggest that women’s preferences for more masculine facial shapes and their corresponding body odors change with their cycle. Heterosexual women might be more likely to feel attraction in response to symmetrical faces and masculine-coded looks when their fertility is at its peak. However, these preferences appeared to be strongest when considering people for short-term relationships; fertility didn’t appear to have an effect on perceptions of possible long-term partners.

If the menstrual cycle can affect perceptions of attractiveness, however, can birth control pills do the same? There is some evidence that by changing the body chemistry of ovulation and menstruation, hormonal birth control can affect a person’s preferences for romantic partners. Scientific evidence on the topic includes:

  • Its effects on facial feature selection: A study of 170 heterosexual couples found that women taking birth control pills were more likely to pair up with men whose faces were less stereotypically masculine. 
  • Its effects on selection for body odor: Other experiments found that heterosexual women’s preferences for male body odor depended on whether they were using hormonal contraception. 
  • Its effects on sexual satisfaction: There’s even evidence suggesting that some women who start or stop using birth control pills during a relationship could be more likely to become less sexually satisfied and less attracted to their current partner.

Getting Support For Your Romantic Life

If you’re facing challenges in dating or in your romantic relationships, you may benefit from professional support. Many people find that meeting with a therapist is a helpful way to uncover patterns of attraction, sort through emotions related to a partner, and develop useful dating and relationship skills such as boundary setting and conflict resolution. A cognitive behavioral therapist in particular can also help you unearth any distorted thoughts you may have about your own attractiveness or ability to form relationships and shift them in a healthier direction for better potential outcomes.

If the thought of meeting with a provider in person for support with your romantic life seems awkward or intimidating, you might consider seeking guidance virtually instead. With a virtual therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed provider who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of your home. Since a comprehensive analysis of past studies including more than 10,000 participants concluded that there was “no difference in effectiveness” between face-to-face and web-based counseling, you can feel confident in whichever method you choose.

Takeaway

Romantic and sexual attraction may involve countless subtle factors, from the sound of a person’s voice to the makeup of their immune system. The initial spark can happen in a matter of seconds, while lasting intimacy and compatibility take more time to develop.

Why do I feel so drawn to someone I barely know?

Although “love at first sight” may not always happen in real life, scientific research has found that we tend to judge people’s attractiveness quickly based on first impressions. For example, in the Trinity College study mentioned earlier in this article, scientists led an experiment to study the role of first impressions in attraction. They briefly showed participants pictures of potential partners before letting them interact at a speed dating event. They found that people’s brain activity from seeing the photos for just four seconds tended to predict who they would connect with during the actual date. This may explain why it’s possible to feel instantly attracted to someone you don’t know very well.

What causes strong physical attraction?

Certain features of people’s bodies, like facial symmetry and youthfulness, can play a role in physical attraction, but physical beauty is not the only component. Chemicals like sex hormones, pheromones, and neurotransmitters can also cause you to become physically attracted to someone. Although these factors may not be consciously noticeable, they can play a large role in sexual desire and perceptions of physical attractiveness.

Can you sense when someone is attracted to you?

Although there may not always be an easy way to tell if someone finds you attractive, a few physical cues that may be signs of interest include:

  • Using open body language
  • Maintaining eye contact
  • Seeking physical touch
  • Smiling
  • Asking you about yourself
  • Looking for ways to spend more time with you

That said, it can be important to avoid making assumptions about someone’s interest, as different people may show attraction in different ways.

How do you know if you’re actually attracted to someone?

Some common physical signs that you may be attracted to someone include:

  • Jitters or restlessness
  • Blushing
  • Sweating
  • A rise in body temperature
  • Rapid breathing or a rapid heartbeat

If you’re attracted to someone, you may also experience feelings of anticipation or excitement. You might notice a desire to spend more time with them or find yourself thinking about them often. Spending more time with them can also provide insight into your level of attraction. That said, not everyone may experience attraction the same way.

What happens in your brain when you are attracted to someone?

When you’re attracted to someone, certain brain regions, like the hypothalamus, the nucleus accumbens, and the ventral tegmental area, tend to activate. This can cause the release of oxytocin, the so-called “cuddle hormone,” and other chemicals related to physical desire and sexual gratification. Growing closer to someone can also trigger dopamine release, leading to feelings of pleasure and making you want to spend more time with them. Serotonin and norepinephrine, two other chemicals, may be responsible for the sense of well-being and excitement you might feel when you’re together.

These are just a few examples of the role the brain can play in attraction.

Why do we fall in love scientifically?

A complex set of factors can contribute to feelings of romantic love.

It may be worth remembering that humans originally evolved to find romantic partners to reproduce and raise offspring with. Therefore, initial attraction is often tied to a partner’s fertility and the survival chances of their potential offspring.

Through spending time with a possible partner and getting to know them better, other factors may come into play, such as personality traits, interests, and common principles. Hormones, pheromones, cultural norms, and timing may also play a role over the course of a romantic relationship. That said, love can be highly individual, and not all these factors may affect people the same way.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Have Multiple Orgasms

— 9 Tips For Women

Got any evening plans?

By

For many women, having one orgasm during sex can be an uphill battle, so the idea of achieving multiple orgasms might seem like the stuff of fiction.

But sex expert Tracey Cox said women are more than able to have multiples. “Because women don’t fall to the post-orgasm resolution phase as quickly as a man does, it’s easier for us to climb back up and have further orgasms in succession,” she told HuffPost UK.

Because we hate feeling left out, and don’t want to wait for National Orgasm Day (31 July), we asked experts how to improve the chances of having multiple orgasms.

1. Do your Kegel exercises.

Disappointingly, having mind-blowing orgasms isn’t all just about having sex and will require a little bit of groundwork before you get to reap the rewards, including doing regular Kegel exercises.

Cox said: “Like the rest of your body, if your pelvic floor muscle is toned and fit, it works better, pumping even more blood to the pelvis (which is great for arousal) and making stronger contractions – giving longer, more intense orgasms.

“Simply squeeze the muscle you use to hold back urine, hold it for two seconds, then release. Do this 20 times, three times per day.”

2. Do work on ‘peaking’ techniques.

They say good things come to those who wait, and no more so than those who don’t just rush straight into an orgasm. Instead, teach yourself to plateau and gradually build to the final moment, rather than rushing ahead.

Cox said: “Peaking involves taking yourself almost to the point of orgasm, waiting for your arousal to subside, then climbing back up again. This trains you to stay in a high state of excitement, following a ‘wave-like’ orgasm pattern, rather than one which starts at the bottom and steadily climbs higher.

“Not only does this optimise the release of endorphins, but it teaches your body to stay in a practically permanent orgasmic pleasure zone, able to orgasm over and over.”

3. Do develop orgasm triggers.

You might think that having sex is your orgasm trigger, but that’s not quite what we mean. Instead learn about the smaller signs that indicate you’re about to have an orgasm, such as your breathing. The more warning your brain gets, the more it will be able to summon the response when you want it.

Tracey Cox said: “Focus on what you naturally do on approach to orgasm, then exaggerate it. If you breathe heavier and faster, breathe even heavier the next time you’re about to climax. If you notice you tense your toes and throw your head back, do that.

“Get to the point where your brain thinks ‘aha deep heavy breathing combined with toe flexing means she’s about to orgasm’! Better get cracking then and make it happen!”

4. Don’t rush into it.

When you think you’re ready to start trying to have multiple orgasms with your partner (or by yourself) remember the golden rule – don’t rush it. For example, you could slowly apply lube to your partner and slowly start again, being aware if your partner is in any discomfort.

Ann Summers’ sex expert Eve Fifer said: “Your body will be much more sensitive after your first orgasm, which means carrying on with heavy stimulation straight away can be painful. And we don’t want that.”

5. Do use different stimulation.

No one likes to be bored in bed, especially your brain. And if you’re expecting yourself to orgasm again and again with the same stimuli then you’re probably going to be disappointed, so mix it up a bit.

“If you have your first via intercourse, you’ve got more chance having another through oral sex than through more penetrative sex,” said Cox.

“A third might be achievable through you masturbating yourself – it’s going to be the hardest to have, so call in the expert (you).”

6. Do take a moment to relax.

There is a big difference between taking a moment to relax between orgasms and just letting your body switch off and go to sleep. Of course it is important to give yourself a brief moment of relaxation (this isn’t meant to be a military boot camp) but stay in the moment and don’t drift away.

“This is what mindfulness is all about,” Fifer added. “Keep your head full of distinctly inappropriate thoughts.”

7. Don’t forget to breathe.

As with relaxing, don’t get so fixated on your orgasm goal that you forget to breathe properly, as this can play a massive part in your likelihood of reaching orgasm for a second or third time.

Cox said: “Some experts say holding your breath on orgasm heightens the sensation, others say if you starve your brain of oxygen, it forces oxygen-giving blood to flow toward it and away from your genitals.

“Continuing to breathe deeply through orgasm is recommended by spiritual sex devotees who claim it means you’re more likely to be able to have a second one.”

8. Don’t forget your partner.

In the midst of all this female orgasm chat, it’s important not to neglect whoever you are in bed with, especially as they may have already had their orgasm and not be feeling in the mood for round two.

“At the end of the day, a woman’s capacity to experience [multiple orgasms], depends on how relaxed and in tune with her body she is, how motivated her partner is, and how little they both have to do,” said Suzi Godson, sex and relationships columnist for The Times.

9. Do remember that practice makes perfect.

As with all things in life, if you want to get good, you’re going to have to put in some practice beforehand.

Fifer said: “Each orgasm will feel more intense than the one before it, and the more you practice the easier you’ll find it to reach the second, and third, and fourth.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Google reveals top sex questions people asked in 2023

By Emily Brown

Google has revealed the top sex questions people asked this year – and it’s made me slightly concerned for everyone who lived before the internet.

Honestly, what the hell did people do before its creation?

You’re telling me they nipped over to the local library and scanned the shelves to find out the answers to their explicit questions?

I don’t think so.

But of course, with the creation of the internet also comes data that can be stored and analysed, allowing Google to come up with the very list we’re reporting on today.

It might be embarrassing to think about how Google probably knows exactly whether you’re among the people asking these questions, but at least you’ll know you’re not alone.

So, let’s get on with it shall we?

10 – How do fish have sex?

I bet that’s not where you thought we’d be starting, is it? But it’s a valid enough question, even if it’s never crossed your mind before.

If you’re curious now, I can tell you that fish apparently aren’t so bothered about having sex as they are with reproducing.

Spawning fish get themselves into what’s known as a ‘nuptial embrace’, where the male wraps his body around the female and releases milt into the water, while the female releases eggs which are then immediately fertilized.

Fish are more bothered about having babies than getting busy. Credit: Pixabay
Fish are more bothered about having babies than getting busy.

9 – Why do I have no sex drive female

There are a number of things that can lower your sex drive as a woman, including relationship problems, stress, anxiety or depression, sexual problems, pregnancy, medicines and hormonal contraception.

If you’re worried about low sex drive, you can get in touch with your GP for advice.

8 – What is anal sex?

Loads of you might be clued up on exactly what anal sex is, but clearly there are a lot of people still out there wondering.

To put it simply, anal sex involves penetration of the anus, rather than the vagina.

You wouldn't want to ask about anal sex in a library. Credit: Pixabay
You wouldn’t want to ask about anal sex in a library.

7 – How long after a miscarriage can you have sex?

As well as dealing with the emotional effects of miscarriage, there are also a number of physical effects which can impact sex.

People may bleed for a period of time following a miscarriage, during which time

the cervix is dilated wider than normal, making it more prone to infection.

To help ensure you can carry out healthy sex, doctors recommend waiting at least two weeks after miscarriage before inserting anything into the vagina.

6 – How many calories do you burn during sex?

Is it possible to really get a good workout from pleasure?

Research indicates that you can at least equate some fun in the bedroom to light exercise – with one study conducted by the University of Quebec at Montreal revealing that men burned an average of 101 calories in 24 minutes, while women burned 69 calories.

No, I’m not making that number up.

Sex can be considered light exercise. Credit: Pexels
Sex can be considered light exercise.

5 – How many dates should you go on before having sex?

Ah, the age-old question. What is the perfect number? Some live by the three-date rule, while others want to wait until they hit four or five.

Ultimately, it comes down to your own preferences; when you’re ready, whether you actually still like the person after a few dates, and whether you actually want to have sex with them.

4 – Why do I bleed after having sex?

The NHS states there are a number of reasons women may bleed after having sex, including an infection, vaginal dryness or damage to the vagina.

In rare instances, bleeding after sex can be a sign of cervical or vaginal cancer.

If you’re concerned, contact your GP for advice.

3 – What is sex positivity?

There are varying definitions of sex positivity, but generally it’s about openness and appreciation of sex, including sexual orientations, interests, identities and expressions.

Embrace and enjoy it!

Sex positivity is about embracing and appreciating sex. Credit: Pexels
Sex positivity is about embracing and appreciating sex.

2 – Can you have sex when pregnant?

There have been a few jokes made on TV and in films about whether the baby could be impacted by the sudden appearance of an unexpected guest in the vagina, but I can assure you that, unless you’ve been specifically advised by a doctor or midwife to avoid sex, the baby will be fine.

A penis or toy wouldn’t penetrate beyond the vagina, meaning having sex is perfectly safe.

1 – What is speed bump sex position?

Here we are, at the most Googled sex question of 2023. I’m surprised positions didn’t come up sooner, but everyone’s clearly spent this year focused on one in particular.

So, what is the speed bump?

Popularized by Love Island star Tom Clare after he mentioned it on the show, the speed bump involves one person putting a pillow under their hips before lying face down.

The pillow forms the so-called ‘speed bump’, though I’m not sure how effective it is at getting people to slow down.

So there you have it, you’ve managed to learn the answers to the year’s top sex questions without becoming a Google statistic.

You’re welcome.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Your Libido Normal?

— Experts Explain How It Can Change

By Karen Robock

There may be some times in your life when you feel as if you want to torch the sheets with your partner every night, and other times when the sexiest thing you can imagine is binge- watching baking shows. Or maybe you have sex every week or two and don’t miss it when you don’t. Meanwhile, you hear about friends who are at it every day, and think, What’s wrong with me?<

Meet the experts: Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., sex therapist and emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Florida; Susan S. Khalil, M.D., director of the Division of Sexual Health at Mount Sinai in New York City; Sally MacPhedran, M.D., director of the Women’s Sexual Health Center at MetroHealth Medical Center in Cleveland; Tami Rowen, M.D., an ob/gyn and an associate professor at the University of California San Francisco; Tameca Harris-Jackson, Ph.D., a sex therapist and director of Hope & Serenity Health Services in Altamonte Springs, FL

Well, we are here to tell you that the answer is, probably nothing. Libido, a.k.a. sex drive or sexual desire, “is multifaceted and multi- determined, encompassing biological, medical, familial, cultural, relational, and individual factors,” says sex therapist Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Florida and the author of Becoming Cliterate. With all those influences on whether you’re motivated to have sex, it makes sense that your drive can ebb and flow, even throughout a week or month (indeed, for premenopausal women, monthly cycles affect libido).

And certainly libido can vary through the broader phases of your life, says Susan S. Khalil, M.D., director of the Division of Sexual Health in the Raquel and Jaime Gilinski Department of Obstetrics, Gynecology, and Reproductive Science at Mount Sinai in New York City. When you’re in your 20s, for example, curiosity about sexuality and pleasure tend to drive up desire. Libido can plummet in the months and years after you have a baby, then rise again when the baby stops keeping you up all night. During perimenopause, women experience a natural dip in sex hormones and may start to have issues with lubrication, which can affect how into it you are. One recent study found that women’s desire tended to fluctuate more than men’s throughout their lifetimes, but that people all had similar ups and downs on a weekly basis.

What is libido, exactly?

Bear with us as we take you back to Sex 101: “Libido” is the term used to describe sexual desire or a desire for sexual activity, which may mean with a partner or the solo act of masturbation. It’s not a medical term—it was coined by Sigmund Freud, and there isn’t a universally accepted way to measure it.

That’s one of the reasons why, when it comes to libido, there is no such thing as normal. Whether yours is “healthy” is a matter of perspective, depending on what you need and want, says Sally MacPhedran, M.D., director of the Women’s Sexual Health Center at MetroHealth Medical Center in Cleveland. A high libido is as normal as a low one, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, and low sex drive is a problem only if it’s a problem for you. “There is a huge range when it comes to desire,” says Dr. MacPhedran, who often compares the spectrum of libido to the variation in height. “You don’t say somebody is abnormal at five-nine versus five-two—it’s just different.” While the term “libido” is often used interchangeably with “sex drive,” some experts take issue with the latter because it creates an unfair comparison with other primal drives, such as thirst and hunger, that are essential to survival. “You won’t die if you don’t have sex,” says Mintz. (The human species doesn’t necessarily depend on it, as sex isn’t always associated with reproduction, particularly when it comes to same-sex couples and those past childbearing age.) Understanding the need for sex requires a more nuanced grasp of the idea, says Mintz.

What hormones have to do with it

In biological terms, libido is regulated by the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen along with neurotransmitters such as norepinephrine and dopamine. Feelings of sexual desire typically begin to emerge between the ages of 9 and 15, when hormones start to surge, and continue through sexual maturity, dipping during menopause for women and tapering off in later adulthood.

These sex hormones will peak and wane through different phases of life: People who have periods will often notice a pattern in the rise and fall of their libido that’s tied to their menstrual cycle, says Tami Rowen, M.D., an ob/gyn and an associate professor at the University of California San Francisco. “Over the course of a month, a person’s sex drive will peak when they are ovulating, then drop significantly,” she says. Our hormones and neurotransmitters convey the message of desire for sex to the prefrontal cortex of the brain. But sometimes those messages can get a bit muffled. Even when our hormones peak and we are theoretically most primed for sex, we don’t always pick up on, or prioritize, what our bodies are telling us. We may be preoccupied with a sick child or simply too tired to notice (let alone heed) libido’s siren call. And that’s to be expected: Your brain is supposed to filter things to determine what your responsibilities are, what you can act on and what you can’t.

It’s also important to differentiate between the two types of desire: “What most people envision desire to look like is spontaneous sexual desire,” says Dr. MacPhedran. That’s what we read about in romance novels—when just locking eyes with someone across the room can make you excited. Responsive desire, on the other hand, is being open to saying yes to intimacy even if you’re not in the mood for sex. You may come home from work, desiring nothing but a warm bath, but when you see that your partner has brought you your favorite flowers, all of a sudden it’s Game on.

This distinction is important, because while both are part of a healthy sexual response, spontaneous desire is all we talk about and see onscreen, which can often leave people who don’t experience it thinking there’s something wrong with them. But the experts agree: There isn’t. Having responsive sexual desire—meaning you say yes when the environment is right—can result in exactly the same sexual satisfaction as spontaneous desire.

How do you feel about sex?

Your upbringing, beliefs, and negative experiences can affect your libido. “Religions and belief sets that bill sex as dirty and sinful can lead to sexual shame,” says Mintz, who points out that many women who are raised in a culture that emphasizes “purity” may struggle with these feelings even years after they’ve left that culture. A history of sexual abuse or unhealthy relationships can also affect your libido in the long term. On the other hand, some people might feel relief after leaving a culture in which they felt shamed and may find that freedom enhances their desire.

Working through negative feelings about sex or finding yourself in a positive life space can ramp up your libido as well. Maybe you’ve found a relationship in which you feel safe. Maybe you have a new, less stressful job and finally have the mental space to think about romance. Or maybe you’ve recently started taking better care of yourself and you feel physically good; this too can bump up your desire.

high angle view of a red rocker switch with power on and power off symbols printed in white, switched in the power off position on yellow background

Reasons your drive might dip

There are numerous health and wellness issues that could be behind your dry spell. Some of the most common:

You’re stressed

This is the number one factor that affects libido in the patients of Tameca Harris-Jackson, Ph.D., a sex therapist and director of Hope & Serenity Health Services in Altamonte Springs, FL. Not only can the daily onslaught of work, money, and relationship worries dampen desire, but that often starts a negative-feedback loop in which people end up sleeping less, drinking more alcohol (a depressant that impedes sexual function), and skipping self-care.

You’re on desire-dampening meds

An estimated one in eight Americans takes antidepressants, and many don’t realize that some types of these meds can quash desire. “The worst medications for libido are certain antidepressants,” says Dr. Rowen, adding that their effects on libido are “a major reason people stop taking them.” (If you’re taking Paxil or Prozac, for example, ask your doctor about adjusting your dosage or switching to a different antidepressant.) Meds for allergies, diabetes, and high blood pressure can have an effect on sexual desire as well.

Your diet could use a reset

If you’ve ever felt bloated and not in the mood after a dinner date that featured heavy food, you know how what you eat can immediately affect your desire. Your nutrition from day to day is important too, says Harris-Jackson. “If the efficacy of blood flow is impeded by a high- sodium or high-sugar diet, there can be difficulty feeling sensation and having full function of sexual organs,” she says.

You’re on the Pill

“The idea that you can have sex for pleasure without the risk of pregnancy, certainly in this political day and age, is really important, but people should know that the birth control pill can affect libido,” says Dr. Rowen. Talk to your doctor about other reliable forms of long-term contraception, she advises.

You’re tired

According to a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, for some women just one more hour of shut-eye can lead to higher levels of sexual desire and better arousal the next day.

You have health challenges

>Chronic pain from arthritis or fibromyalgia, for example, may prevent you from focusing on pleasure cues. Conditions like anxiety and incontinence can also make sex more challenging.

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How to boost your libido (if you want to!)

As all the experts say, your level of desire is a problem only if it bothers you. It can become an issue, though, when the libidos of partners in a romantic relationship aren’t quite in sync: If, for example, you crave sex once a week but your partner is happy with having it once a month, this is what is known as desire discrepancy—it is very common and is something you can work on together. “A difference in sex drive should be dealt with the same way as any other differences in a long-term relationship,” says Mintz: Communication and compromise are required to make everyone happy. “Especially as we age, our relationship ages, and spontaneous desire wanes, it’s often advisable for couples to jointly decide on their ideal frequency and schedule sexual encounters,” she says. Agreeing to weekly trysts, as Mintz calls them, keeps sex on the table so you don’t fall out of the habit altogether. But if you have trouble agreeing on how often to have sex, there’s unresolved tension, or one person is feeling rejected, you may wish to see a certified sex therapist. “Sexual problems are fixable—and the sooner the better, before resentments pile up,” says Mintz.

But don’t confuse this scenario with the idea that you need fixing. Historically, women have been shamed for having strong libidos (while men are applauded for the same thing), and also there is intense stigma surrounding low desire across the board. “There are a lot of stereotypes around cis women not having natural drive, but it’s unfair to describe women that way, because there is a broad range,” says Dr. Rowen. Whatever your level of desire, she says, “know that you are not broken.”

When to talk to a doctor

If your libido has changed or is bothering you, talk to your primary care provider or an ob/gyn. They may diagnose you with hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), a condition in which a decrease in or lack of sexual fantasies and desires causes personal distress. Your doc will ask questions about your medical and sexual history, may perform a physical exam to look for issues like thinning vaginal tissue or other pain-triggering concerns, recommend extra testing to rule out under lying medical issues, and refer you to a specialist before making a diagnosis.

  • Making adjustments to medications that have libido-lowering side effects
  • Psychotherapy such as mindfulness-based CBT
  • Hormone therapy, especially for postmenopausal women
  • A prescription for Vyleesi or Addyi—these two drugs are FDA-approved to boost desire in premenopausal women

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20 Hot Ways to Spice Up Sex When You’re Craving Something Naughty and New

— Let’s get you out of this rut, shall we?

By Rachel Varina

We all know that finding love (or at least something like it) is the reason so many folks are swiping on dating apps and going on Love Is Blind—well, besides to get IG followers, ofc. But what happens when you finally find someone and things start to get a little, ahem, ~stale~ in the bedroom? You want to learn how to spice up sex, but you also don’t want to risk the bond you’ve built by making things awk or making your partner feel like they’re not doing enough. Egos are fragile, people!

First things first, though: I want to assure you that this whole “wanting better sex” sitch is nothing to feel guilty about. In fact, Playground’s chief sexologist and doctor of human sexuality, Emily Morse, says it’s extremely common. “I’d go so far as to say every long-term relationship faces this someday,” she says. “People crave novelty. Maybe they’ve fallen into a rote sex script with their partner or are curious about trying a new sex act. Our brains are habituated to the same things over and over again. I mean, if you ate the same meal every day, wouldn’t you want variety?”

Morse stresses that not only is this all normal, but it’s healthy to acknowledge this longing and your evolving sexuality. Which, on the one hand, cool! But on the other…WTF are you supposed to do about it? According to psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist Lee Phillips, EdD, it begins with getting creative and curious about your partner. “Eroticism keeps a relationship alive and fun,” he explains, so at the very least, start brainstorming *what* would make you (or your partner) feel turned on. From there, it’s all about communication.

The good news is that you can absolutely ask for (and get!) better sex without feeling totally awkward (ugh) or making your partner feel bad (double ugh). Praise be, right? Below, sexperts explain how to talk about your desire to kick things up a notch, and then, we’re outlining the best ways to do it. From exploring common kinks to learning how to talk dirty (trust), read on for allllll the deets + plenty of ideas for spicing up sex.

First, Here’s How to Talk About the Whole “You Want Spicier Sex” Thing

Since this can be a sensitive chat, Morse says you’ll want to remember the Three Ts (timing, tone, and turf) when broaching the topic.

“For timing, pick a time when you’re calm and relaxed,” she explains. “For tone, keep it curious rather than accusatory (so avoid statements like ‘you never go down on me‘ or ‘you never plan dates.’ Use I-statements instead: ‘I get so turned on by the thought of you going down on me; do you think it’s something we could explore?’). And turf? Don’t have this talk inside the bedroom. It’s too charged. Pick a more neutral setting, like a walk outside.”

Remember: Take it slow! You don’t have to figure out everything right away. This can be an ongoing conversation! Once you’re on the same page, consider perusing the 20 ideas below to see what might strike your fancy and get the juices (sry!) flowing.

1. Take a Vaca

Sometimes the key to spicing things up involves an *actual* key…like, of the hotel room variety. “I love a hotel,” says Morse. “Luxurious, a little glamorous, and you don’t have to stress about things like dishes, laundry, or kids.” Not only can you wear fluffy robes and order room service, but vacation sex is easily one of the hottest kinds you can have.

Most of us can’t book a random trip whenever our sex life gets a lil stale (wouldn’t that be great, though?!). But Lee says you can still achieve novelty at home by simply moving to another part of the house. “The environment plays a significant role in sexual desire, so change it,” he explains. Take it to the kitchen, the living room couch, or the shower. “It’s all about what our brains are habituated to,” adds Morse. “A new environment means new sensory stimuli and new psychological inputs.”

3. Don’t Forget to Mix Up Your Positions

While you’re romping all around the house, Morse urges you to lean into the novelty of the situation. Different places = having to get creative with your sex positions. “That’s a good thing,” she says. “We want to shake up the sexual dynamic a little bit and intentionally be more adventurous. Let’s take the kitchen: Maybe you’ve never done standing sex before, but now, you have to! You might discover you feel super sexy doing this, and all you did was walk a few feet to the next room.”

>Before experimenting with acrobatics in the bedroom, ease into new positions by trying something different but not too far from your comfort zone. “Don’t be too ambitious and go from missionary to standing wheelbarrow,” notes Morse. “Rather, pick a position you don’t normally do together and see how you both feel. If you’re always doing doggy style, try lotus. If you’re always doing missionary, try spooning.”

4. Use Your Mouth

Obvi oral sex is great, and you should def consider incorporating that into your repertoire if it sounds good to you. But! It’s also important to use your mouth in other ways…like actually verbalizing what nasty, naughty new things you want to try. If you’re feeling tongue-tied at the idea of dirty talk, Morse suggests chatting about your turn-ons, what you like to do to each other, or hot memories of your past sexual encounters. If you still feel unsure, let someone else do the talking by turning on some audio porn and listening together.

5. Play a Sexy Game

The thought of talking about turn-ons might make your palms immediately sweaty, and if that’s the case, Morse suggests game-ifying the situation to make it a bit less nerve-wracking. There are many sex games out there—ranging from conversation cards to literal board games that can work as a playful and less anxiety-inducing way to start the “let’s change things up” convo. Plus, it’ll feel more organic than just randomly blurting out that you want to try pegging or something.

6. Discuss Your Kinks

Who knows? Maybe while you’re playing a sexy game, you’ll discover a new turn-on you didn’t even know you had. A lot of people (I dare to say most people) have some sort of kink or fetish, even if it’s undiscovered. Lee says this is a great topic to explore together, whether that means simply talking about a sexual fantasy you keep coming back to or whipping out the massage lotion and giving your partner’s little piggies a rub to scratch that foot fetish itch. What? Didn’t you include “in sickness, health, and kink” in your wedding vows?

7. Be Honest About Your Feelings

I know it might make you feel vulnerable AF, but one of the most important steps you can (and maybe even should!) take when looking to shake things up in the bedroom is to—you guessed it—actually talk to your partner about sex. “Sex is all communication,” says Lee. “It is essential to be honest about your thoughts and feelings surrounding sex.”

Consider your current relationship with your body, with your orgasm, and with your S.O. Then communicate all that to your partner. Feels like a lot, no? To help, here are a few of Lee’s fav prompts to get ya started:

  • Sometimes your touch feels…
  • I think I’m supposed to like everything we do sexually, but I genuinely love your touch when you…
  • I feel something special during sex when I…
  • I wish I would change the way I…
  • If I believed you enjoyed me more, I might…
  • If I could enjoy myself/you more, I might…
  • I’m concerned that you will/won’t tell me if you dislike something sexually, so I…
  • Sex is/isn’t fun for me because…
  • I sometimes pretend to have an orgasm so that…
  • I notice I feel turned on/off when…
  • What I like about myself sexually…

8. Play With (Then Swap) Power Dynamics

BDSM is a popular kink that involves exploring different power dynamics in a relationship. While consent is always number one (as well as discussing limits and utilizing safe words), if you’re both on board, there are quite a few different ways to dip your toe into the Dom/sub world.

>“One low-lift idea is blindfolding,” says Morse. “Easy, sexy, and it makes sex more exciting by taking away one of your senses. From there, you could try handcuffs or bed restraints and see how it feels to be tied down…or do the tying.”

And if your partner is usually the one to initiate/lead the scene (or vice versa), try being the one to take charge! There’s usually one more dominant and one more submissive partner during sex, but switching your default roles (whether you go full BDSM switch or not) can spark a whole new world of pleasure.

9. Incorporate a Bit of Taboo

Going hand-in-hand with BDSM is taboo sex, which is pretty much anything outside of your standard vanilla. “Think the urgency of car sex, the erotic nature of outdoor sex, etc.,” says Morse. After talking about your kinks, see if there are any overlapping taboos that interest you both. For example, if the idea of (consensual!) exhibitionism gets you going, try giving your partner a lap dance, letting them watch you strip down in the shower, or hitting up a sex party together.

10. Get Some Sex Toys

Honestly, having a drawer full of sex toys is something I absolutely wish for everyone, and if you haven’t yet incorporated a buzzing little addition to your sexcapades, consider this a direct order from the universe. Not only are they fun (they’re called “toys” for a reason), but according to Morse, some bodies, especially those with vaginas, find that sex toys are essential for reaching orgasm.

“Toys can help close the orgasm gap,” she explains. “Typically, people with penises orgasm much more frequently during sex than people with vulvas.” This means those of us with clits might not get there with good ol’ P-in-V sex.

That’s not to say sex is only fulfilling if it results in an orgasm, but if you want one (or want to experience stronger sensations), Lee adds that exploring different types of sex toys is a great solution. There are tonnnnns of options, from wand vibrators and clitoral suckers to the classic rabbit vibe. If you can’t decide what you want, Lee suggests going on a date to a sex shop to peruse the aisles, ask questions, and see what sparks your interest.

11. Try a Cock Ring

While you’re busy adding a bunch of sex toys to your cart, Morse urges you to check out cock rings if you or your partner have a penis. “Worn on the base of the shaft, these add an element of experimentation to the bedroom,” she explains. “They pull double duty by keeping the penis hard and vibrating on the clitoris or anal opening of the receiving partner.” So, not only can penis rings help support those with erectile dysfunction, but they lowkey make it easier for the receiving partner to orgasm as well. Win-win.

12. Try Different *Types* of Sex

Did you know “sex” isn’t actually synonymous with intercourse? “Sex is a mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional erotic connection shared between those involved,” sexologist Shamyra Howard previously told Cosmopolitan. “It’s not just about genitals and mouths.”

Of course, you can try different types such as oral sex, anal sex, and outercourse. But you can also experiment with virtual sex (so maybe hooking up over FaceTime/Zoom the next time your sweetie goes out of town) or phone sex (whether that’s sending sexy texts or whispering dirty things into the receiver of a landline all ‘90s like).

13. Use Lube. Lots and Lots of Lube.

Important PSA: “Lube makes almost every sex act feel better,” Morse says. “I always say the wetter, the better, and I mean it; the presence of lube helps everyone have an easier time orgasming, and when you feel that potential in your body, you feel sexier.”

We already discussed that there are different *types* of sex, and it turns out you can use lube with all of them! Yup! Lube with hand jobs! Lube with penetrative sex! Even lube with oral sex! (Wondering how TF to use lube when you’re already using your mouth during a blow job? Glad ya asked! “I’m thinking specifically about flavored lube, which turns oral into dessert,” Morse explains.)

Also, FWIW, make sure to select the best type of lubricant for the sex you’re having—typically, that means water-based lube if you’re using toys and silicone lube if you’re having anal or getting it on in the water (that’s bc silicone can damage other silicone over time due to the way its molecules react with each other. Yikes, right?). Morse suggests Playground’s personal lubricants since the line uses chemistry-enhancing adaptogens (like Ashwagandha, Black Cohosh, and Horny Goat Weed) to create a v long, v lasting, v pleasurable slippery feeling.

You know what’s sometimes even better than lube? Lube that doubles as an arousal gel. “If you’ve got a vulva, this will make your clitoris and surrounding areas feel tingly and help your genitals engorge, thus making you more orgasmic,” says Morse. Our faves, here:

15. Play With Different Senses

Even though touch might get the most attention during sex, the other four senses (taste, smell, sight, and sound) are worth devoting a little attention to. Feed each other strawberries (or other aphrodisiac foods, like oysters?). Use some scented massage oils and lubes. Whip out a blindfold to remove sight, or turn on the lights + face a mirror so you can enjoy the show. Cue up a bangin’ sex playlist and grind to the beat. You might not need to leave the room or your usual position to have wild, new, and exciting sex! It might just take some sexy food!

Another hot way to explore the senses is to get into temperature play…which is precisely what it sounds like. To give it a shot, try running an ice cube down your S.O.’s torso, exhaling your warm breath on your partner’s neck, or melting hot wax on each other’s backs (make sure to use a body-safe option if you’re gonna try wax play, because otherwise, ouch).

16. Try a Little Tantra

The notion of tantric sex might seem a little overwhelming or ~ wOo-WoO,~ but trust us, it centers around connection and creating a sexually charged atmosphere instead of just, like, boning with incense burning. You basically try to block out distractions (so turn off the TV!) and concentrate fully on worshiping and honoring your partner. Think: breathing together, using deep motions, and making eye contact.

You can also give your lover an erotic massage, Morse says, by using some warm oil, lube, or wax and rubbing it on their body with intention, starting at the heart chakra (middle of the back) and working your way out to different erogenous zones.

17. Get Physical

Even if you’re not a workout girlie, getting physical together outside the bedroom before doing it in the bedroom is the ultimate foreplay. “A tried and true arousal trick is to get your heart pumping together, so make your next date an active one,” Morse suggests. She suggests seeing how your body (and sex!) feels after you rock climb, do hot yoga, or go for a run. Plus? Seeing each other all sweaty is erotic as hell.

18. Touch Yourself…Together

Wanna change up how you’re touched? Lend your partner a hand. Literally. Mutual masturbation is an excellent way to build intimacy, Morse says, plus it can be a really fun (and safe!) way to feel pleasure together. “You get to see how your partner touches themselves, and it feels a little kinky…you’re watching them, they’re watching you.” (Bonus: It’s also awesome if it’s that time of the month and you don’t wanna have period sex, if you’re trying to avoid pregnancy, or if you’re unsure of your partner’s STI status.)

19. Consider a Threesome/Group Sex

Since you’ve likely been having sex with your partner for a while, why not have sex with someone else? I don’t mean cheating; I mean trying a threesome, group sex, a sex party, or considering (or simply fantasizing about) ethical non-monogamy. “Invite more people into the bedroom,” suggests Lee. “Couples have often wanted to try a threesome but are too afraid to bring it up. You can explore this with a healthy relationship built on trust and a great foundation.”

Obvi, this one will take a lot more conversation, compromise, and planning, but if it sounds attractive to both of you, consider researching a bit to see how you feel. Maybe the mere idea of it will have you feeling some kind of way.

20. Explore Role-Play

Ofc, jumping into the world of swinging or swapping isn’t exactly for everyone. If the idea of getting it on with someone new sounds exciting, but you don’t want to, like, do it, do it, Morse says to consider role-play. You could go all out playing different scenarios (like your favorite TV couple), or you could pretend to be strangers at a bar and “meet” for the first time.

Whatever you decide, get ready for the date like you would if you were single (so blast your hype music and pull out the good undies), arrive separately, and use your cheesiest pickup line to ~lure~ them in. “Everyone can spice up their sex life, which wards off resentment and encourages creativity and collaboration,” Morse says. Who knows? Your significant other—and your newfound sexual connection—might surprise you when you take on different roles for the night.

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Scientists reveal the top sex positions most women orgasm in

— Take notes

By Ebony Leigh

With the orgasm gap between heterosexual men and women more akin to a chasm at this point, your best bet to reach climax is by sticking to the classics, a new study has found.

In a world where a hugely unrepresented number of women aren’t having orgasms through sex alone, scientists have crunched the data to find out exactly which positions are most likely to give vulva owners the big O.

Using 13 black-and-white diagrams that illustrated various intercourse manoeuvrers, researchers from the Czech National Institute of Mental Health quizzed more than 21,000 adults, including 11,225 women, on how they get off.

The results revealed four pole positions including man-on-top, woman-on-top, standing face-to-face and sitting face-to-face.

Sydney-based somatic sexologist Alice Child tells Body+Soul she’s “not at all surprised”.

“I think when it comes to sex positions, simple is best, rather than acrobatic positions, and some of those listed are classics – you know, missionary and woman on top – and they’re classics for a reason,” she says.

“They work for lots of different people’s bodies and you don’t over exhaust the muscles, which allows you to focus on what sex really is all about, which is connection, pleasure and being present with each other, rather than worrying about whether your leg muscles can survive another five minutes.”

Why are these positions so great?

What makes these four such explosive moves, according to the experts, is that they all tick three very important boxes.

The first is allowing for eye contact, which research shows increases mutual attraction and emotional closeness, which then encourages kissing, something plenty of us considers to be a crucial element of sex.

Then, with all this face-to-face action, you’ve got the fact that you can literally see your partner getting more and more aroused, which – in no surprise to anyone anywhere – can be a major turn-on.

But there’s one other thing that all of these positions have in common from a physical standpoint, added Child, and that’s easy access to the clitoris. AKA, the “gateway to female orgasm”.

“The vast majority of women need regular, consistent, pleasurable, external clitoral touch to be able to reach orgasm,” she explains.

“While studies differ, around 85 per cent of people with vulvas need some pressure or stimulation with a hand or vibrator on their clitoris to reach orgasm, and in a lot of these positions you can have pressure on the pubic bone.”

This brings us to the best move of all, the study proclaims, and that’s the woman on top.

Not only does this position allow women to control everything – such as speed, depth of insertion and rhythm – but through hip movements they can rub their pelvis against a man’s pubic bone, stimulating their clitoris.

It also leaves both partners hands-free, meaning you’re available to touch each other wherever you desire, or even bring some toys into the mix.  

For 34-year-old Leah, it’s the only position she can climax in.

“I love sex and trying out loads of positions because they do all feel really great, but I just can’t get there unless I’m on top,” she explains to Body+Soul.

“It’s like the key to orgasm for me.

“While I’m riding him, everything just feels like it’s being stimulated all at once and I’m the one in control, meaning I can move how it feels good for me. And then boom. It works nearly every single time.”

The mental mind game

Unfortunately, not everyone is in the same boat. The study reveals that one-third of women surveyed never climax during intercourse, no matter which position they’re in.

Tanya, 33, has been married for the last eight years and tells Body+Soul that she’s never been able to orgasm through sex.

“Usually we have sex, he will finish and then I will use my vibrator to make myself come,” she explains. “I can sometimes get there if I’m helping myself but I can’t remember the last time someone else made me come.”

She adds that changing positions during sex doesn’t make any difference.

“I definitely need a lot of clitoral stimulation to feel even close, but I just can’t do it through sex alone.

“It’s just such a mission for me to reach orgasm, like it’s definitely a mental thing and I have to be in the right mindset to actually get there. I have to be really focused on it and I can’t do that mid-sex.”

The pressure cycle

Miserably it’s this pressure of not being able to climax while doing it that creates even greater pressure and makes women even less likely to reach orgasm. 

“A lot of people who come to me haven’t talked openly about it before and so feel pretty isolated and pretty broken, like they’re not normal, and have a lot of shame,” Child explains. “But it’s important to know that it’s very common.”

“Women put a lot of pressure on themselves, and I have to say that one of the biggest blockers to being able to orgasm is putting more pressure on yourself. Pressure is never sexy.”

She also says that making an orgasm the goal of sex can also be your downfall.

“It robs you of being able to stay present and in the moment and enjoy the journey, not just the destination” Child says. “And that’s so much more important than choosing some magical position.”

Tanya adds that this pressure is especially unfair when “our sexual organs are completely different to a man’s”.

“It’s pretty crazy that as women we put this pressure on ourselves to be able to please a man in a certain way and be able to make him come in a certain timeframe when many guys just don’t really care about doing the same for a woman or just have no idea how to,” she says.

So how can I help myself orgasm?

Firstly, forget the study, Child says, and do what feels good for you.

“What’s more important is getting sex-positive education and resources around your own pleasure and asking yourself what’s important for orgasm and how you get out of your head and into your body.

“Certain positions may help you do that, but go for whatever position helps you personally to feel most relaxed and most connected, to feel more in your body.”

She also encourages self-pleasure and allows your body to move in a way that’s familiar to you.

“Be curious about what position you try when you’re on your own,” Child explains.

“If you find it really easy to orgasm when you’re on your belly but that’s not on the list, then ignore the list and try being on your belly during sex.

“That way you can build pleasure and arousal on your own and then it will be a lot easier during sex than trying a completely brand new position.”

Variety is also the spice of life, even when it comes to masturbation.

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“If you want to learn how to orgasm in lots of different and fun positions and you struggle to do that, then add variety to your own self-pleasure practices to teach your body what it feels like to be on your back or what it feels like to be standing up or what it feels like to be sitting,” Child says.

At the end of the day, it’s like teaching your body a new skill, and it’s best to practice without all the distractions that come during sex, like being worried about what you look like or what you smell like or how your partner’s feeling.

“Using self-care as the practice ground when there are fewer breaks can help you to reconnect to your body,” Child says, “which is really, really helpful.”

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How Lube Helped Me Unlock A New Level Of Sexual Pleasure

By Hilary Shepherd

I recently located my clitoris, which, at 33 years old, sounds way overdue. Alone, inspired by a conversation I had with a sex therapist, and apparently horny on a Saturday night, I decided to forgo my rotating collection of vibrating sex toys, which I’d always enjoyed while watching porn and wearing underwear (a “fabric barrier” has always felt less imposing to me) in favor of a foreign combination: my fingers and a bottle of lube.

Within minutes, I was able to go deeper into my body in a way I hadn’t before. I relished in the unfamiliar sensations and possibilities for pleasure hidden in various corners and crevices I’d long overlooked but was now able to easily explore, thanks to the lube’s super smooth texture. (For reference, I used SKYN‘s new Naturally Endless lube, a water-based formula with a host of naturally derived ingredients that also happens to be non-sticky and long-lasting.) As I closed my eyes, I was also surprised by how easily I was able to relax and focus on exploring myself even without the chorus of moans blaring from some X-rated website. I thought of all the vulva diagrams I’d seen in gynecologists’ offices and used them as a guide to locate key areas I knew were hotbeds of pleasure. After repeatedly making a “come hither” motion at the top, where I knew my clitoris lived, the sensation rapidly built up into several intense, full-body waves of euphoria. To be clear, I have experienced an orgasm before, but not like this. I did it again and again and again, delighting in the newfound sensation.

The way I found my clit — pearl-like and erect, nestled amid a fleshy hood, and seemingly designed to provide toe-curling spasms — reminds me of my equally clumsy journey with tampons. Desperate to follow my friends at school who had all ditched pads, I used to spend hours locked in my bathroom attempting to successfully insert a tampon. With one leg on the toilet, I’d study the step-by-step guide that came in the box, quietly suppressing a very real fear of the string disappearing into the ether, or worse, potentially dying from the “tampon disease.” I was unsure where exactly and how far up the applicator was supposed to go, but reaching for  a handheld mirror for assistance was out of the question. I grew up pretty religious (I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 21 and also experienced some trauma) and was taught that the vagina was an integral, yet ugly and confusing part of your body — something to largely ignore.

And so, for a couple of years, I simply went about life wearing tampons incorrectly — I was never able to insert them fully, so the bottom half would stick out. I chalked it up to having an “abnormal” vagina; I was different from my tampon-wearing friends, who’d swim and do cartwheels and jump on trampolines with the same carefree, “I-don’t-even-feel-it!” attitude I’d see in tampon commercials on TV.

This was an unfortunate, embarrassing, and painful fate I’d come to accept — until one day, it just clicked. All I had to do was take a moment to breathe, relax, and unclench my pelvic muscles. It was an exercise in patience, in pausing, in connecting with my body in a positive and intimate way. And it’s a lesson that would serve me well again, nearly two decades later.

I had never really masturbated with my fingers. In college, finally free and independent for the first time, I became curious about masturbating. A scene in a film I’d watched elicited an arousing sensation in me, and when the faucet method (IYKYK) didn’t do the trick, I tried the base of my electric toothbrush, blown away by the incredible sensation it provided after merely moving it around in that area atop my silk pajama pants. It was time, I realized, to get a proper vibrator.

Periwinkle, skinny, and decidedly non-threatening, my first toy was a dildo that symbolized sexual freedom. I had planned to experiment with it over the long holiday break that semester, but when my mom was driving me home from the airport, it switched on in my suitcase. The loud and incessant buzzing was impossible to ignore. “What is that?” my mom asked. I knew I could easily blame it on a rogue toothbrush, but…I told her the truth. “Ugh, Hilary,” she said, as if the word “PERVERT” had suddenly appeared across my forehead in big, black letters. “That’s disgusting.”

Though this experience didn’t stop me from using toys (my mother did not, thankfully, force me to toss my dildo), I felt ashamed for years, associating sexual pleasure with perversion, just as I did in my youth, and viewing masturbation as some filthy, primal deed done in secrecy. Sex throughout my 20s, then, was often alcohol-fueled, one-sided, and devoid of any real meaning; it was an intimate act that didn’t quite feel intimate, but more like something to dissociate from and simply endure. (Forget about an orgasm.)

These days, sex doesn’t feel so icky. My partner, who I’ve been with for more than five years, makes me feel secure and loved. It’s the first serious relationship I’ve ever been in, and while I’m still not able to orgasm during sex (I’m in therapy currently to work on some of those anxiety-ridden mental blocks, residual archaic beliefs from my childhood, and past trauma), it’s nevertheless an enjoyable and loving and important act. But I know there’s a lot more pleasure to be had.

Like many couples in long-term, monogamous relationships, our sex life has ebbed and flowed, decreasing during periods of extreme stress or confinement and increasing on, say, vacations or after spending time apart. One thing that’s remained the same, though, has been my inability to be an active participant in our sex life — meaning, instead of treating sex with the same curiosity and openness I feel when I masturbate, I’ve mostly allowed him to take the lead, cycling dutifully through positions and often beginning to feel truly aroused by the time he finishes. Lube, which we’ve never put that much thought into, has been something to hurriedly dig for in a bedside drawer half-way through sex when the friction becomes too much or he’s in the mood for a “super slippery sensation.” (Alternatively, it’s also reserved for hand jobs.) I never complain or provide input or direction, but how am I supposed to ever feel truly satisfied if I don’t speak up? Or rather, how can I speak up when I don’t even know my own body?

The logical, rational side of my brain knows that vaginal wetness fluctuates based on one’s menstrual cycle and a “zillion other factors,” according to London-based sex therapist and SKYN Sex Expert Gigi Engle, but sometimes it’s hard not to think that the problem is me — by using lube, it suggests I’m dried up, shriveled, and “not good enough” naturally. As it turns out, I’m not alone in harboring some of these false and self-sabotaging beliefs.

“One of the biggest and most pervasive myths I hear about lube is that you only need it if you can’t get ‘wet enough,’ meaning that something must be wrong with you,” says Engle, who wants to make it clear that lube is not just for preventing pain from friction. “Actually, lube is an amazing sex enhancer. It can increase your arousal and the stimulation you receive from toys, fingers, penises, whatever. It makes everything more comfortable. And honestly, everyone should be using it — solo or with others.”

Emboldened and inspired by the level of pleasure I unlocked using SKYN’s Naturally Endless lube during my recent solo session, I decided to be the one to incorporate it into the bedroom with my partner. I noticed that taking initiative this way provided me with a new sense of control, and my sexual autonomy was a welcome addition for us both. While I wasn’t able to reach orgasm (not yet, at least), I was able to feel him, literally and figuratively, on a much deeper and way more intimate level than ever before. What’s more, I also felt empowered enough to bring one of my favorite toys into the mix — another suggestion from Engle — which worked great (as a bonus, SKYN’s water-based lube is totally compatible with silicone devices).

This experience helped break up a period of stagnation and routine in our sexual relationship, and it also restored intimacy during a time when unsexy, external stressors (buying a house, getting married, planning for kids) feel especially prevalent. And more importantly, instead of sex being treated as a pre-bedtime ritual or a “task” to check off like an item on a grocery list, I’ve noticed we’re being playful again — and sex in general feels alive with delicious possibilities.

I no longer view sex (or my body) as something to fear or be disgusted by. I know I deserve pleasure, too, and that my parts are normal and beautiful. But there are tools out there that can make that easier to achieve, and also much better. Next up on my list of things to explore is anal, but I think I might start by breaking out that old handheld mirror first — it’s time to finally put a face to a name. 

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Overcoming Adult Toys Stigma

— Embracing Pleasure Without Shame

In today’s society, the stigma surrounding adult toys can often prevent individuals from fully embracing their sexuality and exploring pleasure without shame. This unnecessary guilt not only suppresses personal growth but can also impact one’s overall mental and physical well-being.

Adult toys, when used responsibly, can provide numerous health benefits. They allow us to better understand our desires, preferences, and fantasies, which helps improve our self-confidence and self-awareness. If you want to take a look at some of these, visit Inya Rose.

Additionally, incorporating adult toys into our intimate experiences can significantly enhance pleasure and happiness, while reducing stress and anxiety.

Origins of Adult Toy Stigma

kama sutra

The stigma surrounding adult toys and sexual pleasure can be traced back to societal beliefs and norms throughout history. In many traditional cultures, open discussions on sexuality were discouraged and, as a result, misconceptions and taboos around the intercourse persisted.

These beliefs and attitudes led to shame and embarrassment surrounding the topic of physical pleasure. Consequently, the use of adult toys, seen as a manifestation of one’s pursuit of pleasure, faced taboo as well.

Ancient societies had diverse views towards sexual pleasure:

  • Greek and Roman civilizations embraced sexuality as a natural and healthy aspect of life. Sexual exploration and the use of pleasure devices were considered acceptable.
  • Middle Ages and Christianity brought a shift in attitudes, with conservative beliefs and self-restraint surrounding sexuality becoming prevalent. Sexual devices were stigmatized and seen as sinful.
  • Victorian era further cemented this stigma, with strict moral codes and a culture of prudery. Sexual desires and adult toy usage were kept secret and frowned upon.

Evolution of Norms

Over time, there has been a progressive shift towards a more open, inclusive, and destigmatized understanding of sexuality and pleasure. The 20th century marked a significant change in societal attitudes, with key milestones driving this transformation:

  • 1960s & 1970s: This period saw widespread change in sexual behavior, attitudes, and sexual liberation. Discussions surrounding sexuality grew more open, and the use of adult toys started to gain acceptance.
  • The late 20th century: Mass media played a crucial role in breaking taboos and promoting a healthier attitude towards sex. Movies, books, and television shows began tackling topics like pleasure, exploration, and the use of adult toys.
  • 21st century: The Internet has expanded access to information and resources, further contributing to the normalization of sexual pleasure and adult toy usage. Online stores, communities, and forums have made it easier for individuals to learn about and purchase adult toys confidentially.

Gender Differences and Expectations

Gender Differences

Adult toy stigma revolves around various factors such as gender, socio-cultural beliefs, and personal attitudes. Women who own adult toys may face more judgment or disgrace than their male counterparts. This disparity often stems from traditional gender roles and society’s expectations of what is deemed sexually appropriate for each gender.

Women are often expected to be sexually reserved and demure. When they embrace adult toys, they may be labeled as promiscuous or deviant, leading to stigmatization. This restricts women from exploring their desires and fantasies and reinforcing the idea that pleasure is only for men.

Men, on the other hand, are often assumed to be more sexually expressive and adventurous. While they might also face some judgment because of societal norms, it’s generally more accepted for men to use adult toys.

Our collective effort in challenging these gender stereotypes and breaking the barrier of shame around sexual pleasure is vital in overcoming the adult toy stigma.

Role of Education in Combating Myths

An essential factor in dismantling adult toy stigma is education. Misinformation and misconceptions around adult toys can reinforce negative beliefs and make people hesitant to own or discuss them.

A comprehensive and sex-positive education can help bridge the knowledge gap and create a more open mindset towards sexual exploration and pleasure. It reduces shame and embarrassment by debunking myths and presenting accurate information about adult toys and their benefits.

Schools, parents, and healthcare professionals should prioritize honest discussions and provide a safe space for people to learn and express themselves without fear.

Access to unbiased and informative resources can help individuals form a balanced view on adult toys, overcoming the misconceptions and gender biases associated with them. By curating articles, studies, and forums online, we can encourage open conversations, normalize the use of adult toys, and stress their significance in sexual health and personal wellbeing.

The Psychological Impact of Sexual Shame

Sexual shame can profoundly affect an individual’s mental well-being, influencing their emotions, self-worth, and interpersonal connections. It often stems from a variety of sources, including societal expectations, cultural norms, or personal experiences. Internalizing negative perceptions about sex and pleasure can lead to feelings of guilt and embarrassment, particularly in the context of using adult toys.

This kind of shame can aggravate mental health issues like depression and anxiety. Our emotional health is closely linked to our sexual experiences, and the presence of shame can create obstacles to achieving intimacy and experiencing pleasure. Moreover, the stigma surrounding sexuality can impede open communication with partners, which can strain relationships and reinforce harmful beliefs.

Overcoming Internalized Negative Beliefs

In order to embrace pleasure without shame, it’s important to address and overcome internalized negative beliefs about sex and adult toy use. Here are some steps we can take:

  • Education: Learn about healthy sexuality and the benefits of using adult toys. Knowledge can be empowering, helping dismantle misconceptions and reduce stigma.
  • Self-acceptance: Embrace our desires and understand that sexual pleasure is a natural part of human experience. Recognizing that adult toys can enhance our sex lives and relationships is a crucial step.
  • Open communication: Engage in honest conversations with partners or supportive communities to discuss sexual desires, fantasies, and adult toy preferences. This can foster understanding, break down barriers, and normalize these topics.

Closing Thoughts

couple hands

Approaching adult toys with openness and a positive attitude is essential. This mindset helps in breaking down the stigmas associated with their use, leading to a more open, inclusive, and respectful discourse on sexuality and pleasure. It is vital to always prioritize and respect consent and boundaries in any sexual journey. Upholding these fundamental principles is key to a healthy and respectful exploration of sexuality.

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What Happens During an Orgasm?

— Here’s what science says about what your body goes through during the big moment.

By Izzie Price

Orgasms form a fundamental part of the human experience. They’re a natural biological process and are likely to take up a fair amount of time in our heads—whether we love them or fret about them.

How often have you worried that the sex was terrible because you or your partner didn’t orgasm? If you’re a woman, how many times have you worried that it “didn’t count” as an orgasm because you didn’t ejaculate?

More importantly, though, do you even know what’s going on in your body when you orgasm? Do you know about the many health benefits orgasms offer? Do you even know what an orgasm is?

What follows is a look into the science behind an orgasm, including the physicality of what’s happening. In addition, experts debunk some common orgasm myths.

What happens to your body during an orgasm?

“Orgasm, or sexual climax, is the peak of sexual excitement,” said Alyssa Dweck, M.D., a gynecologist in Westchester County, New York, and a sexual health and reproductive expert for Intimina, a brand of products focused on women’s intimate health. “Orgasm results in rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvis—that is the uterus, vagina and anus. There are also elevated pulse and blood pressure, and rapid breathing.”

Dweck emphasized the psychological implications of orgasm related to the brain, including its release of the following:

  • Dopamine, which is the pleasure hormone
  • Oxytocin, which is the cuddling and bonding hormone
  • Serotonin, which is involved with mood, cognition, reward and memory
  • Endorphins, which influence pain perception, relaxation and mood enhancement

Sounds pretty good, right? What happens in your body that results in this physical and psychological burst of pleasure and excitement?

The process of orgasm can be broken down into four separate phases—arousal, plateau, orgasm and resolution—according to Masters and Johnson’s Human Sexual Response Cycle course.

“The excitement or arousal phase can last minutes or hours,” said Rachel Wright, M.A., L.M.F.T., a New York-based psychotherapist and host of “The Wright Conversations Podcast.” “Muscles get a little tense, your vagina may get wet, your skin may get flushed, your heart rate and breathing accelerating, your nipples may become hard and the breasts are becoming fuller.

“A penis will become erect and the vaginal walls will swell. The testes swell, the scrotum tightens and often the penis will secrete a lubricating liquid.”

It’s safe to say, then, that there’s a lot going on in the body when we get aroused. Things don’t slow down when we reach the plateau phase, either. Wright described it as “the excitement intensifying right up to orgasm in which the vagina swells from blood flow.”

The vaginal walls turn dark purple during this stage, Wright added. Then there’s the main event, which is the shortest phase of all.

“Some indicators of orgasm include involuntary muscle contractions, a rash or ‘sex flush,’ muscles in your feet may spasm, and you might feel a sudden or forceful release of sexual tension,” she said. “Your blood pressure and heart rate are at their highest rate at this point.”

For men, an orgasm triggers similar rhythmic contractions at the base of the penis. They result in the semen being released.

Are orgasms good for you?

The sheer amount of physiology associated with orgasms and the number of feel-good chemicals produced in the brain as a result seem to indicate orgasms are a biological necessity. Are they?

Dweck pointed to one study that indicated orgasms are perceived to improve sleep outcomes. Other health benefits include improved mood and increased life expectancy. This is all good but it has to be said: Orgasms are not essential.

“We don’t need orgasms, but they sure do feel good to have,” said Lyndsey Murray, a licensed professional counselor and certified sex therapist in Hurst, Texas. “I don’t like to put any pressure on having an orgasm because a lot of people feel like they are doing something wrong when orgasm isn’t achieved. When we take the pressure off having one, our bodies can respond naturally and lead to orgasms all on their own without us overthinking it.”

Orgasm myths and misconceptions

The orgasm gap—the high rate of male orgasms as compared to female orgasms—is real. But there are all kinds of myths and misconceptions about why those numbers aren’t closer together. Mostly, this is because of a lack of basic understanding of the female body and, subsequently, how it can reach and experience orgasm.

“The biggest misconception I note in clinical practice is the myth that vaginal penetration/intercourse always leads to orgasm when, in fact, clitoral stimulation is typically needed, and upwards of 70 percent of women won’t achieve orgasm through intercourse alone,” Dweck said.

The misconception that vaginal penetration always results in a female orgasm takes us to another common myth: “If an orgasm isn’t happening, there must be something wrong,” Murray said.

Not so. There could also be a technique issue at play, such as there being no clitoral stimulation.

“There may be sexual dysfunction that requires professional help. But it could also be performance anxiety getting in the way or maybe you just haven’t explored enough yet to figure out your own body,” she said. “I never like to use terms like ‘wrong’ or ‘failure,’ but instead, disappointment. If you’re disappointed with your sexual activity, focus on fun, pleasure and exploration.”

The biggest orgasm myth, according to Wright, focuses on physical evidence of sex taking place: “That there is only one kind [of sex] and there’s always ejaculation,” she said.

There can be 12 different ways for women to orgasm, she explained, which includes clitoral, vaginal, cervical and nipple orgasms. For men, she noted that orgasms can take the form of a wet dream, blended (whole body) or pelvic orgasms, as well as ejaculatory orgasms.

How can we improve societal attitudes toward orgasms?

Orgasms are great, sure, but they’re not the only thing that makes sex feel good. Sex is more holistic than that, and we need to enjoy orgasms without holding them up as the essential end result.

“The societal attitude I see most of is either orgasms mean great sex or no orgasm means the sex sucked,” Murray said. “I disagree with both sentiments. Usually what happens is someone feels like they failed themselves or their partner(s) if an orgasm didn’t happen. The next time they have sex, it becomes an over-focus on orgasm and no longer about fun, pleasure and intimacy.”

We should be talking more about the entire sexual experience and not the shortest part of the whole thing, Wright explained.

“In all the sexual response cycles, the orgasm is the shortest part, and yet we put so much focus on it. Sometimes, all the focus,” she said. “Try to focus on the experience and, instead of attaching everything to an orgasmic outcome, pay attention and focus on the experience. The experience is the pleasure.”

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Study on evolution of same-sex animal behaviors underscores stigmas in research

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  • A new study tracing the evolution of same-sex sexual behavior in mammals, using phylogenetic analyses, suggests these behaviors may have evolved in part to strengthen social bonding and relationships.
  • Same-sex sexual behavior was observed in 261 species, which constitutes 4% of all mammal species; the research adds to a growing list of some 1,500 animal species in which same-sex sexual behavior is documented.
  • Interest in this research is expanding after a long history of stigma within the field that led some earlier scientists to withhold evidence of same-sex sexual behavior among animals; at the time, such behavior was considered an error in the research findings — or “perverted.”
  • Researchers also note that stigmas have long prevented scientists from investigating same-sex sexual behaviors in animals or receiving funding to carry out such studies.

The study of animals has always been a point of curiosity for many scientists across disciplines and has contributed to our understanding of the world. While many scientists in evolutionary biology have questioned different animal behaviors, same-sex sexual behavior in animals is a topic that is seeing increasing interest. This growing field of research has amassed a list of 1,500 animal species exhibiting same-sex sexual behavior.

Now, a recent study published in the journal Nature Communications has traced the evolution of same-sex sexual behavior in all mammals, using phylogenetic analysis, a method that traces evolutionary relationships among biological entities. Such behavior, which is common in mammals, may have evolved in part “to establish, maintain and strengthen social relationships that may increase bonds and alliance between members of the same group,” the authors write.

“Our study has tested for the first time two adaptive hypotheses on the origin and maintenance of same-sex sexual behavior using a large group of animals, the class Mammalia,” says José Maria Gómez, an evolutionary biologist at the Experimental Station of Arid Zones in Almería, Spain, and an author of the study. “In this sense, our study provides strong evidence that this sexual behavior is functional and plays an important role, at least in this group of animals.”

In their study, Gómez says the scientists conclude that social behavior that helped maintain positive social relationships and mitigate intrasexual aggression were two factors shaping the evolution of these behaviors. The former factor did so for both males and females and the latter factor only for such behavior expressed by males, they found.

Same-sex sexual behavior, which includes courtship, mounting, genital contact, copulation and pair bonding, was observed in 261 species, which constitutes 4% of all mammal species. Their study also indicates that same-sex sexual behavior is not randomly distributed across the mammalian phylogeny but tends to be frequent in some clades and rare in others and has been observed in males and females both in captivity and in wild conditions.

Male lions in a zoo in Melbourne, Australia.
Male lions in a zoo in Melbourne, Australia. Same-sex sexual behavior, which is common in mammals, may have evolved in part “to establish, maintain and strengthen social relationships that may increase bonds and alliance between members of the same group.”

Not an aberration

“In the early 2000s, same-sex sexual behavior in animals would often be seen as a ‘zoo problem,’ like it was the animals in captivity that were making the best out of a bad situation,” says Eliot Schrefer, author of Queer Ducks (and Other Animals), a young-adult book that illustrates the diversity of sexual behavior in animals. “But this kind of science shows the prevalence of said behaviors throughout the animal kingdom, which shows that it’s not some aberration that has been localized, but it is something that is essential,” adds Schrefer, who was not part of the study.

The study suggests that social bonds may have played a role in the evolution of same-sex sexual behavior, and it may be connected to animals’ transition from solitary living to “sociality,” or living in groups, which has evolutionary advantages. “Due to the multiple benefits of sociality, many behavioural strategies have evolved to ensure the cohesion and stability of social groups,” the authors write.

Janet Mann, a behavioral ecologist who was not involved in the study, says, “It makes sense that animals make use of the social behavior that they have available for them for social bonding.” However, she finds maintaining social bonds and intrasexual aggression to be the flip sides of the same coin. Social bonding, she explains, includes when animals ally themselves with others, and that provides protection. In extreme cases, male chimpanzees form tight alliances with one another, resulting in the whole community bonding to some degree. “They kill males with the neighboring community, so it’s not like they are having sex with those males,” she says.

While the Nature Communications report is one of the first studies that has provided research on a broader scale rather than sticking to one species, the authors are not hesitant to acknowledge that the data available are limited because interest among scientists and researchers studying same-sex sexual behavior in animals is very recent.

Mann says this lack of data meant the researchers couldn’t comprehensively address the frequency of same-sex sexual behavior; rather, the data primarily show presence or absence of behaviors. Therefore, a case in which a behavior is rare was weighed the same as a case in which it occurs frequently; both were reported as “occurring,” which is a limitation of the study.

Two male African wolves in Senegal.
Two male African wolves in Senegal. “In the early 2000s, same-sex sexual behavior in animals would often be seen as a ‘zoo problem,’ like it was the animals in captivity that were making the best out of a bad situation,” says author Eliot Schrefer.

Stigma in past research

This absence of sufficient data stems from intentional erasure by some scientists in the past due to the stigma attached to homosexuality and expected heterosexuality among animals. For a long time, the prevailing notion was that sexual behavior in the animal kingdom served solely as a tool for procreation, and that sexual behavior among the same sex in animals was considered either an error — or was labeled “perverted.” Heterosexual worldview influenced the approach of scientists like Valerius Geist, a mammalogist who, decades ago, refrained from publishing about frequent same-sex behavior noticed in bighorn sheep because, the Washington Post reports, it made him “cringe … to conceive of those magnificent beasts as ‘queers.’” Years later, he reportedly “admitted that the rams lived in essentially a homosexual society.”

“Science is made by scientists, and [some] scientists who go out in the field have the assumption that only heterosexual behavior is natural. And so, for a long time, they weren’t bothering to sex the animal they were finding or seeing if it were male or female; they were just assuming when one animal is mounting another.” Consequently, Schrefer says he suspects same-sex sexual behaviors in the animal world are vastly underestimated “because there are very few scientists that are going out and looking.”

These stigmas have not entirely left the scientific community. Mann recognizes that societal biases against same-sex sexual behavior in human societies influence the willingness of researchers to undertake such studies. The stigma creates a barrier, as approaching traditional funding agencies for studies may be met with reluctance or denial. The hierarchical nature of science, mirroring broader societal structures, also imposes limitations on junior researchers, dissuading them from delving into studies that challenge established norms, she says.

Mann’s contribution to the anthology Homosexual Behaviour in Animals: An Evolutionary Perspective has also opened up a window to same-sex sexual behavior among bottlenose dolphins. Reflecting on the trajectory of her work, she explains, “I wrote that chapter in the book because I was asked to, and they knew I had a lot of data. I had also already started tenure, so when the book came out, I was a full professor. As a full professor, I don’t have to worry; but my more junior colleagues, for them, there is some stigma.” It’s not correct, she says, but “if you are studying same-sex sexual behavior … people make assumptions about you as a person, that you are homosexual.”

This assumption about researchers’ identities has put skeptical eyes on the sciences that many pursue. Schrefer talks about a primatologist named Linda Wolfe, who wrote about female-female sex among macaques in the 1970s. She was a graduate student when she published about this, and the response was: “Why are you interested in this? Is something wrong with you? Are you a lesbian?” Schrefer says. “And so, if someone is part of the queer community, people would not trust the science that much.”

Melina Packer, an assistant professor of race, gender and sexuality studies at the University of Wisconsin-La Crosse says she believes that while many people push for science to be depoliticized, it is impossible to do that, as everyone is a political being. What can be done is to acknowledge those potential biases. She further explains that those in power have a political position, and to state that some folks are biased because they are different from so-called societal norms is a political statement in itself. Further, she points out, scientists of diverse racial, gender and sexual identities are expected to leave those identities at the laboratory door. “But what about the identity of the dominant being, what about the white man’s identity? Why doesn’t he have to leave his identity at the laboratory door?” she says.

Many times, these biases lead to the dismissal of same-sex sexual behaviors in animals within research. “Because it is infrequent behavior, there aren’t necessarily studies of just sexual behavior; there are studies of courtship and mating, but it’s usually in the context of reproduction and the population and how it’s progressing. So, most of the focus is on the things that have obvious adaptive value.” The lack of focus on behaviors with unknown or uncertain adaptive values is another form of bias, Mann adds.

Two male dragonflies in the mating position.
Two male dragonflies in the mating position. For a long time, the prevailing notion was that sexual behavior in the animal kingdom served solely as a tool for procreation, and that sexual behavior among the same sex in animals was considered either an error — or was labeled “perverted.”

A study published in 2019 by a group of researchers suggests that same-sex behavior in animals is ancestral, meaning that it did not evolve independently but instead was always there in animals and persisted, as there are very few costs associated with same-sex behaviors. The authors note that it can be advantageous, and that the expression of both different-sex and same-sex behaviors “may be the norm for most animal species.” The authors propose shifting the questions from Why same-sex behavior? to Why not same-sex behavior?

To keep such biases from permeating scientific study, Packer refers to feminist science studies, which look at how science is embedded in culture and history. “Scientists are people, too, right? And scientists cannot help from bringing their biases, intentional or not, to the work we do, who we are, what culture we are raised in, how we are socialized, what historical moment we have lived in. All these forces are influencing the scientific process, what we sort of have been socially trained to see when we make an observation, particularly of animals. [If] you are raised in a culture that understands same-sex sexual behavior or homosexuality or queerness as wrong or abhorrent, you’re more likely to project that view onto the nonhuman animals you are viewing.”

To resolve this issue, Packer suggests more interdisciplinary collaboration with experts outside the sciences from including, but not limited to, arts and humanities. “The way we educate scientists, fundamentally, would shift; ideally, we all would be working together and breaking open those boxes and constraints as well. I think being encouraged and empowered to think differently as a scientist is essential, and ultimately science is supposed to be about asking critical questions and testing hypotheses. But all too often, what happens in science is you just follow behind the scientist who came before you where you take dominant theories for granted and don’t necessarily try to implode them or explode them.”

Stating the relevance of their research for the public, Gómez says, “any behavior or characteristic, no matter how unique we think it is to human beings, can be studied scientifically in a calm, disinterested and rigorous manner. And … the honest use of a scientific and rational approach can help us much more than other forms of knowledge to understand vital aspects of our life and our way of being.”

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19 Expert-Backed Tips For Keeping Your Long-Distance Sex Life Hot

— Relationship experts share their advice for keeping the intimacy alive when you’re miles apart.

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Long-distance relationships can pose a number of challenges, but the lack of physical touch can be especially difficult.

That doesn’t mean it’s a hopeless situation, however. If you find yourself in a long-distance relationship (whether in “unprecedented” or “normal” times), there are ways to maintain a hot sex life. We asked dating coaches, sex educators and other relationship experts to share their advice for keeping things spicy in a long-distance relationship. Read on for 19 tips.

Start slow.

“Not everyone is accustomed to long-distance intimacy. Start slow and get to know what you and your partner find fun and sexy. You can start with a flirty text or photo and work your way up to more intimate virtual encounters.” ― Andrea McGinty, a dating coach and founder of 33 Thousand Dates

Build anticipation.

“One thing that keeps IRL couples going is the anticipation of seeing one another for dates and being able to look forward to events, trips and other milestone moments together. If you and your boo are separated right now, you might have to manufacture that feeling. Put special virtual dates on the calendar weeks in advance that you can look forward to.” ― Damona Hoffman, a dating coach and host of the “Dates & Mates” podcast

Invest in toys.

“You can pick up an app-controllable sex toy that can be operated from across the planet!” ― Zoe Ligon, a sex educator and founder of Spectrum Boutique

“You can enhance the mutual masturbation with haptically connected sex toys, like the Max2 and Nora by Lovesense, which is literally designed for long-distance lovers. His device is a penis sleeve, hers is a full-on vibrator — and when they’re in sync, the movement of one toy triggers the response of the other.” ― Ian Kerner, a sexuality counsellor and author of “So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex”

Organise creative activities.

“Give your virtual connections some kind of (ahem) activity. It doesn’t have to be a sexy one. You could plan a distance game night, play truth or dare together, do a sip-and-paint night, watch the same steamy show together (virtually), write each other old-fashioned love letters ― get creative.” ― Hoffman

Plan sexy video calls.

“In terms of sexual connection, sexting, pictures and screen-sex with each other can go a long way. It goes without saying that you need to fully trust your partner in order to send anything salacious. But if you do, the self-pleasure via electronic connection can be super sexy. Having a box of various self-pleasure toys can also bolster the variety of sensations and fun.” ― Jenni Skyler, sex therapist at the The Intimacy Institute

“Set up a Zoom chat and watch some hot ethical porn together. Try Erika Lust if you’re new to the world of ethical porn. In Gallery View, you can have a mutual masturbation session once you can’t take it anymore. Try to synchronise your orgasms.” ― Kerner

Make a bucket list.

“Create a bucket list together using a bucket list book, where you share hopes and aspirations for the future and connect and add to it weekly. This can help keep your discussions lively and fresh, as many bucket list items have to do with travel and can even be about intimacy goals and things you want to try together.” ― McGinty

Step up your communication.

“Few things are as triggering as talking about sex and intimacy for most people, so if you are new to the relationship or new to talking about your needs and wants, be gentle with yourself and your partner. Be curious and present without any judgement. Especially if you are separated physically, you want to ensure you are not ‘walking away’ from each other energetically. It can feel uncomfortable at first, but talking about sex and intimacy can also be the most rewarding and satisfying thing you do.” ― Ian Lavalley a relationship and intimacy expert with 7 Star Love

“Be impeccable with your communication. This includes volume and quality. I like to encourage couples to text or call a few times in the day and get in at least one FaceTime session per day. This may seem like a lot, but if they miss a day or two, then the increased volume on the other days can compensate for missed days. The goal is to somewhat replicate what healthy couples do who live under the same roof. In terms of quality, sharing our experience ― be it a basic rundown of the day to deeper, more meaningful feelings ― is best done with extreme ownership. … Refrain from pointing any fingers, making any assumptions, and placing any blame. Rather, we own our feelings, our fears, and even our assumptions. We use ‘I’ language and ask questions with curiosity and compassion. The reason we need to do this is because it’s easy to fight, close the computer screen, and ignore the problem from afar for days on end. Nothing gets resolved and tension can grow exponentially.” ― Skyler

Take turns ‘hosting’ dates.

“I encourage couples to take turns hosting virtual date nights. This can be at the very basic level, where one partner selects the movie that they both watch together virtually, to the more sexually charged, like planning a virtual night out with themed food and toys that you have sent to your partner’s home prior to the date. The important thing is to mix it up and take turns showing each other fun aspects of your personality and sexuality.” ― McGinty

Create a romantic photoshoot.

“Slip into your hottest lingerie ― or boy shorts and a tight tank, whatever makes you feel good ― and pose for the camera. Then write provocative captions for each photo, including what you’d do to him if he was there, and send. Show as much or as little as you like, include your face or not — it’s all up to you. Or, FaceTime him with seductive poses, and let him screen-shot the images he likes!” ― Sadie Allison, a sexologist and the author of “Ride ’Em Cowgirl! Sex Position Secrets for Better Bucking”

Be clear about your boundaries.

“Because it’s long-distance, being really clear on your relationship and sexual boundaries is important. Are you sexually exclusive? Do you have other sexual partners when in different places? Again, don’t make any assumptions. Get super clear so you are on the same page and can have lots of fun without the context of your relationship.” ― Skyler

Surprise each other.

“Keep it interesting, and switch it up. If you have fallen into a virtual sex rut, add a new element. Pick out a new sex toy you want to try, send a surprise gift, write a letter. If you are used to sexting, try video or vice versa. The important thing is to switch it up and take turns planning.” ― McGinty

“Surprise each other with remote ways to be intimate ― mystery and lack of predictability are great ingredients of a thriving sex life!” ― Tracy Ross, a licensed clinical social worker specialising in couples and family therapy

Practice self-care.

“Continue to practice your own self-care and sexuality experiences — keeping yourself in a positive mental state and feeling sexy will do more for you than nightly phone sex sessions (which are rare in long-distance couples anyway).” ― Hoffman

“Keep working out, keep getting your mani/pedis, treat yourself to a mask while you WFH. The sexier you feel, the sexier you will be.” ― McGinty

Make a sexual ‘menu.’

“One thing I work on with all couples who want to keep the spark alive in their relationship is a sexual menu. In order to create a menu, each partner makes a list of all things he or she would potentially want to do or try in the sensual, sexual and erotic arena. I encourage people to be expansive, think out of the box, have fun with it — and just because something is only on your list doesn’t mean you have to try it. It’s a sort of sexual brainstorming without shame or expectation. Once they have given this thought and written it out, they share. The ground rules are no obligation, no shaming. … There may be things you haven’t thought of and once you see them, you would consider, and there also may be things you just aren’t game for — and that has to be OK. Everyone is unique and it’s OK to have different desires and fantasies. This can become like a game, choosing different menu items to try and alternating between the two menus and taking turns with things on both menus getting high priority … erotic literature or fantasy graphic novels, or cooking naked together (by video) or using some erotic toys…” ― Ross

Keep it audio-only.

“Couples are going to benefit from the increased courage and detachment of a phone call and they can share personal things they have a hard time disclosing face-to-face. For this reason, let’s let go of any dependency on video chat and go for old-school phone calls. There’s a reason radio is considered the most intimate medium. When we can watch, we often stop listening. When we can be watched, we can become preoccupied with our appearance. So relax and talk.” ― Steven Ing, a marriage and family therapist

“Before cellphones and FaceTime, we’d spend hours talking on landlines, enjoying the mystique of hearing your lover’s voice and using your imagination for the rest. Explore sexy talk with only your words and fluctuations of your voice to serenade. Remember it’s not always ‘what’ you say, but ‘how’ you say it. Tips: Speak much slower than you normally would, bring your voice low — like down to a whisper like you’re just waking up — and breath heavier into the phone.” ― Allison

Ask questions.

“We teach our clients who have long-distance relationships to nurture curiosity and longing. Everyone will say have phone sex or video sex, and that’s fine, but you can actually create amazing connection and desire through curiosity. Curiosity means asking your partner what he or she would like to experience sexually and how you can meet those. This is also a great sexual mastery skill — actually listening and delivering on that! … To make this safe and less awkward, start by telling your partner what you really love about them and what you miss the most ― and what you wish to see, touch, cherish again. Then ask them to share what they want and would like to experience.” ― Lavalley

Release your inhibitions.

“If you tend to hold back because of inhibitions, now is a good time to try to push past some of them. Keep it fun. If something doesn’t turn out great, it’s OK. Many factors go into a hot sex life and it could just be an off day.” ― Ross

Have sex with yourself.

“Focus on your sexual relationship with yourself, even if you have a partner! While this isn’t the goal of masturbation, sexual time with yourself can make partnered sex even more amazing because it can help us know what types of stimulation we like and help us figure out how to communicate that to a partner.” ― Ligon

Fantasise.

“Conjure up a fantasy about your partner, one that you can get off to. Orgasm is a very powerful reward that lights up all parts of the brain and leads to feelings of well-being. Too often we’re pairing our solo orgasms with a porn performer or character in an erotic novel, but by masturbating to fantasies of your partner you’re linking that feel-good reward with the long-distance lover you’re missing and reinforcing the connection between the two of you. Absence does make the heart grow fonder, but we also need to stay erotically focused on each other and find ways to use that absence creatively.” ― Kerner

“Fantasise about being with your partner again and what you want to do. If you feel comfortable, you can even share your fantasies with your partner. That can be hot!” ― Rachel Needle, licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist

Give yourself grace.

“Often the first thing I offer my long-distance couples to consider (and many of my non-long-distance couples, for that matter), is to give themselves grace. NOTHING is normal right now, so expecting your sex life to not only be normal but to thrive is perhaps unrealistic. … Much of our cultural messaging about relationships is that a problem around sex means a problem with the relationship, and part of the work I’m doing now with many couples is helping them realize that that is not entirely true. They don’t have to beat themselves up if nothing about their sex life is fulfilling right now. The beauty of this grace, self-compassion and acceptance is that a lot of times, taking that pressure off actually improves the sexual situation!” ― Jill McDevitt, a sexologist and sexual happiness coach

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Keep It Up

— Why Married Couples Should Still Self-Pleasure

By Ashley Cobb

When most people think of self-pleasure, they often associate it with single people. However, self-pleasure or masturbation can actually be incredibly helpful in maintaining a healthy and satisfying sex, whether single or coupled. Quiet as it’s kept, self-pleasure is an activity that many people engage in but rarely discuss openly. Masturbation is not only natural but is actually healthy and beneficial for individuals and their relationships. Many couples may feel hesitant or even guilty about the idea of masturbating while in a committed relationship, but the truth is, couples can benefit greatly from self-pleasure. According to a study published in 2007, masturbation not only encourages sexual satisfaction but is also a healthy practice. A smaller study from 2015 found that married women who masturbated enjoyed greater orgasms and sexual desire, high self-esteem, and greater marriage and sexual satisfaction. If that’s not proof enough that self-pleasure can benefit your relationship, here are eight more reasons why married couples should enjoy self-pleasure and how it can strengthen their relationship.

It can increase intimacy

Engaging in sexual self-pleasure can allow couples to explore and understand their own bodies better. By doing this, they can learn what they like and don’t like, which can be communicated to their partner. Knowing what pleases oneself can help bring about better communication with their partner about what they want and need during sex. Not to mention, watching each other engage in self-pleasure can be incredibly arousing and bring couples closer together.

It relieves stress

Life can be stressful, and when it feels like you’re juggling a million things at once, it can be difficult to find time for intimacy with your partner. Engaging in self-pleasure can be a way to relieve some of that stress and tension, which can make you more relaxed and present during sexual activity with your partner.

It can improve sexual function

It’s no secret that as we age, sexual function can be impacted. Engaging in self-pleasure can help combat this by encouraging blood flow to the genital region, promoting vaginal lubrication, and potentially improving sexual function overall. Plus, practicing solo can help with premature ejaculation and even some erectile dysfunction issues.

It can be fun

Sex is meant to be enjoyable, and while it’s important to prioritize intimacy with your partner, it’s also okay to indulge in self-pleasure just for the sake of having fun. Without the pressure of a partner, individuals can let go and explore their bodies in ways they might not feel comfortable doing during partnered sex.

It can increase desire

Engaging in sexual self-pleasure can actually lead to a higher desire for sexual activity with one’s partner. It relieves sexual tension and can increase sexual attraction to a partner.

It opens up communication channels

Many couples find it difficult to communicate their desires, needs and wants when it comes to sex. By introducing self-pleasure into the mix, you are opening a channel for communication, making it easier for both partners to discuss their fantasies and desires.

It can be empowering

Many people, particularly women, are taught that self-pleasure is taboo or even shameful. However, embracing your own sexuality and engaging in self-pleasure can be incredibly empowering. It can help you feel more confident and comfortable in your own skin, which can ultimately lead to a more fulfilling sex life with your partner.

It can help you avoid pressure on your partner

In some relationships, there may be a pressure or expectation on one partner to be solely responsible for the other’s pleasure. This can be incredibly stressful and put unnecessary pressure on the partner in question. By engaging in self-pleasure, you’re able to take some of the pressure off of your partner and ensure that you’re both able to focus on enjoying each other without worrying about fulfilling specific expectations.

Self-pleasure is nothing to feel guilty about in a committed relationship. Overall, self-pleasure can be incredibly beneficial for married couples. By helping you better understand your body, relieve stress, spice things up in the bedroom, feel empowered, and avoid pressure on your partner, self-pleasure can ultimately strengthen your bond. Individuals should be encouraged to explore their bodies and find what they enjoy. So, if you’re in a committed relationship, don’t be afraid to explore your own sexuality and engage in a little self-pleasure from time to time. Your sex life (and your relationship as a whole) will thank you for it.

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This is how tech can help us talk about sex without embarrassment

— Examining various players in the field, from established dating platforms to innovative sexual wellness startups, reveals the multifaceted ways technology can serve as a bridge to understanding and acceptance.

By Gleb Tsipursky

How can technology assist us in having more open and honest conversations about sex and sexuality? This question strikes at the heart of a major cultural challenge: the taboos and stigmas around discussing sensitive topics like sexual health and pleasure.

Yet avoiding these conversations leads to negative outcomes on individual and societal levels. The good news is that technology is emerging as a powerful tool to enable shame-free dialogues and create social change.

Platforms enable constructive conversations

A number of platforms provide an opportunity to foster open and constructive dialogues that address sexuality and stigma.

Match, one of the trailblazers in online dating, has consistently refined its platform to foster more nuanced and authentic interactions among its users.

Recognizing the importance of sexual well-being as a component of overall compatibility, Match has integrated features that allow users to communicate their needs and desires more transparently. The profile structures, messaging systems, and compatibility algorithms are carefully designed to create a comfortable space for individuals to express their sexual preferences and boundaries without fear of judgment.

Match’s commitment to creating a user-friendly environment goes beyond mere matchmaking; it encapsulates a drive toward cultivating a community where open communication about sexuality is not only possible but encouraged.

Grindr, a platform dedicated to the LGBTQ+ community, confronts the intersection of technology and sexuality with a keen awareness of the historical and ongoing stigmatization faced by its users.

Grindr has carved out a space in the digital world where individuals can explore their identities, connect with others on a basis of shared experience, and find solidarity in their journeys of self-discovery. The platform’s approach to anonymity, safety, and community engagement is specifically tailored to reduce the sense of isolation that often accompanies the exploration of one’s sexuality, particularly in less-accepting environments.

Through features that cater to the nuances of LGBTQ+ dating and networking, Grindr plays a critical role in facilitating access to supportive networks and resources, thereby contributing significantly to the destigmatization of LGBTQ+ sexualities.

OMGYes dives into the relatively under-explored territory of women’s sexual pleasure with an educational and research-based approach. It represents a significant technological and cultural shift, leveraging empirical studies and real experiences to enhance understanding and communication around sexual pleasure.

Unlike traditional platforms, OMGYes employs tactile simulations and comprehensive tutorials derived from extensive research, including partnerships with researchers at Indiana University and the Kinsey Institute. Users are offered an array of interactive features that teach various techniques to improve sexual satisfaction, presenting this sensitive subject matter with the rigor and detail it deserves.

The platform uses direct user feedback and interactive content to empower individuals to explore and communicate their preferences more confidently, thereby contributing to the larger aim of normalizing conversations around sexual health and pleasure.

Match, Grindr, OMGYes, and others serve as case studies in the creation of digital environments that are respectful, inclusive, and affirming. Their success demonstrates the appetite for platforms that prioritize the complexities of human sexuality and the demand for innovations that transcend traditional limitations on sexual discourse.

Bridging online and offline worlds

Let’s do a deep dive into one specific platform. “Through technology and anonymity, we hope our users are empowered to ask other users anything they want regarding sex and sexuality and not feel judged for both their questions and their replies,” says Mariana Tomé Ribeiro, founder of Quycky, an innovative tech company focused on sexual wellness and education, in our interview.

As Ribeiro explains, Quycky aims to build a bridge between theoretical knowledge and lived experience by “making it easier for users to find toys and other accessories to support their sexual fantasies.” In doing so, it closes the gap between abstract information and embodied wisdom. Integrating mind and body leads to deeper understanding and self-acceptance.

Quycky utilizes gaming features and matching algorithms to connect users based on shared attitudes, interests, and compatibility regarding sex and relationships. This increases the likelihood of forging substantial connections that aren’t limited to physical attraction.

Creating a fun and playful environment through the game also helps users open up. Ribeiro observes that the screen acts as a buffer that allows people to connect more readily. Gaming dynamics make it easier to initiate substantive conversations and share intimate details that many people tend to keep private.

Designing safe community spaces

When tackling sensitive topics like sexuality online, maintaining a respectful environment is crucial. Quycky incorporates community reputation systems where positive behaviors like openness are rewarded through badges and statuses. Users can also block disrespectful individuals.

According to Ribeiro, the goal is to “cultivate respect” because “everyone is different.” Though anonymity sometimes breeds toxicity, consciously fostering inclusive norms can counteract this tendency. Setting communal guidelines, encouraging empathy, and giving users tools to curate their interactions enables healthy discord.

For marginalized groups like LGBTQ+ people, finding spaces to openly discuss sexuality can be especially challenging due to stigma. At Quycky, an adaptive matching system connects users with similarities in sexual orientation and interests, without requiring them to explicitly state a label. The platform “creates a sexual chart that will match you in the future with users alike,” Ribeiro says. This allows organic discovery of one’s desires and preferences.

Of course, bringing sensitive discussions online also poses potential risks around privacy, harassment, and misinformation. But conscious design choices can mitigate these pitfalls. Ribeiro believes that overall, tech will expand access to knowledge and community around sexuality: “I think it can be huge because it’s a way that people feel safe and they can understand more about themselves.”

Countering shame through virtual connections

Religious and cultural conditioning often discourage openness about intimacy. Most people feel some awkwardness discussing sexual details even with close confidantes. Anonymity helps override this hesitancy to share vulnerabilities.

According to Ribeiro, users tend to be more open online. The technology itself acts as a buffer against judgment. This psychological distancing empowers people to voice questions and details they may keep private in their daily lives. Virtual interactions can thus facilitate honesty that for many is much more difficult to achieve in actual relationships.

Some may argue that online platforms foster superficial connections compared to in-person interactions. Ribeiro asserts that by emulating the fluidity of face-to-face conversations, tech can enable meaningful exchanges: “It’s about creating something that is more meaningful and how people connect digitally.”

Elements like games and algorithms to drive interactive narratives counteract the static nature of most online communication. Kinetic energy flows when users respond dynamically to evolving scenarios. The nonlinear spontaneity of natural dialogue gets preserved in virtual environments that are designed to mimic real-world encounters.

Countering biases that perpetuate stigma

Two cognitive biases that likely reinforce stigma around sexuality are confirmation bias and the empathy gap. Confirmation bias leads us to interpret information in ways that fit our preconceptions, making us resistant to changing our minds about taboo topics. The empathy gap makes it hard to relate to experiences outside our own, causing judgment toward sexual practices we don’t share.

Virtual platforms help counteract these biases by exposing users to diverse perspectives and narratives they otherwise may never encounter. The anonymity provided online also bypasses knee-jerk judgments that are often experienced during in-person interactions. Gradually, assumptions get challenged and empathy gets fostered through broadened horizons.

Ultimately, technology platforms like Quycky and others aim to destigmatize sexuality on a societal level by empowering honest personal conversations. Ribeiro explains that “breaking the taboo around sex” begins by helping “people feel comfortable talking about sex in a fun way, and making conversations shame-free.”

Through strategic gamification and adaptive matching, virtual platforms can make users feel at ease opening up about intimate topics. Then the data and insights gained can inform educational content to further reshape public knowledge and attitudes. It is a self-reinforcing cycle where micro-level interaction feeds macro-level progress.

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Let’s discuss hypergamy

— The oldest dating technique in the book

It’s basically the entire plot of Bridgerton

By Rachel Varina

From Carrie Bradshaw and Big to pretty much everyone on The Real Housewives, the concept of marrying “up” is nothing new—yet somehow, it’s one of those themes that never seem to go out of style. Take, for example, Bridgerton.

Behind all the sex (and yup, there’s a lot of sex), the story is about families climbing the ranks of society by courting with people of “higher” social statuses. The term for this phenomenon is “hypergamy,” and according to Damona Hoffman, OkCupid‘s official dating coach and host of the Dates & Mates podcast, it’s as old as time.

“The idea of marrying for love is actually a very contemporary practice,” Hoffman says. “Marriage traditionally was for ensuring the financial stability of a woman’s family.” And while the concept is a major focal point of shows, books, movies, history, and daydreams, it’s actually a real thing that’s still very much happening in the world.

Very simply, hypergamy is the act of marrying or dating someone you think is more successful and/or secure than you—whether you do it consciously or subconsciously, says Alysha Jeney, licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Modern Love Counseling. “This can often be due to the desire to want to achieve financial security or to boost reputation. It can also be due to the desire to seek a ‘higher level’ of self-worth and identity,” she says.

And even though the term has gotten much buzzier over the past few years, the concept has been around for a super long time. “[Hypergamy] can be traced back to castes in Hindu society,” explains licensed clinical social worker, Shamyra Howard—meaning the practice of hypergamy is at least 3,000 years old.

“Hypergamy is essentially a patriarchal constructed form of partnership from a time when women had very little education, weren’t able to work, and needed their partner for survival,” says Howard. “Marriage was mostly about survival and protection. Marriage for love is a new concept.”

Back in the days of women not being allowed to vote, own property, or secure assets without a husband, hypergamy was one of the only ways to get ahead.

Why is hypergamy still a thing?

Since hypergamy’s been around for what feels like ever, and marriage being tied to love has only been a thing for the past 250 years or so, it’s not too surprising that hypergamous relationships haven’t totally died out.

In some class systems, marriages are arranged so the woman marries into a wealthy family,” explains Howard. India is commonly known for still practicing arranged marriages, as is China (even though they’re technically outlawed), Iran, and Indonesia.

You might be surprised to learn, however, that while arranged marriages aren’t as common in western society, hypergamy still very much is. In fact, there are a ton of celebrity couples out there who are hypergamous such as Donald and Melania Trump and previously Erika Jayne and Tom Girard, says Hoffman. Fictionally, characters such as Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and of course, Bridgerton‘s Simon and Daphne practiced hypergamy as well.

In Bridgerton, viewers saw first-hand how important it was for a daughter to secure a good husband to help her family climb the social ladder. That’s basically the entire plot of the series. And while we’re not watching princes suck spoons in 19th century London, many people still choose to engage in hypergamy today, whether consciously or not.

“As the cost of living continues to go up and the view of lavish lifestyles permeates social media, TV, and magazines, people will continue to strive to be upwardly-mobile,” explains Hoffman. And one of the easiest ways to do this is by marrying into money and status, says Jeney,

“The recent discussions around hypergamy are re-birthed from current issues related to capitalism, the cost of living, and financial woes,” says Hoffman.

Who can be in a hypergamous relationship?

It’s important to note that hypergamous relationships don’t just happen in cis male/cis female partnerships, says Jeney. In fact, Howard says it’s prevalent in almost every community.

Is hypergamy “wrong”?

While blatantly hypergamous people are sometimes referred to as “gold diggers” the truth is, the concept of actively seeking a powerful and secure partner is kind of ingrained in our genetic makeup. “Many people state that hypergamy is not a choice, but evolutionary,” says Howard. “There have been reports that some people desire others that are the most resourceful and powerful, those who not only possess financial clout but social clout as well.”

And now with social media, the idea of seeking social clout and financial stability by way of a partner is easier and more obtainable than ever. “Blue checks represent a different type of currency which, for many people is invaluable,” says Howard. “So many people desire to be with those who are followed and desired by many, and if that person is rich that’s even better.”

But before you feel like hypergamy is a given, know that it isn’t something you have to buy into, even if it’s somewhat predisposition for us. So while it’s not *wrong,* that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right for everyone. It all comes down to doing what’s right for you, ethically and emotionally.

Is hypergamy a healthy relationship style?

“Seeking a partner for the sole purpose of financial and/or social gain can become an unhealthy process that involves manipulation, deceit, and overall fulfillment,” says Howard.

In addition to there potentially being an uneven power dynamic in a hypergamous relationship, things like a lack of intimacy or understanding could also come into play, says Jeney. Since the person practicing hypogamy (the one in the partnership who’s “marrying down”) might feel like they have the ultimate control in the relationship, it can lead to an unhealthy and unequal distribution of weight in the partnership.

Howard says according to The Wiley Blackwell Encyclopedia of Family Studies, “Hypogamy is mostly practiced by men for the purpose of maintaining control.” For these types of relationships to be successful, communication, boundaries, and clear expectations are more vital than ever to keep things healthy and respectful between the partners.

Why should we care about hypergamy?

Because it actually plays a major role in the structure of society—not only in the past, but for the future as well. While some people view hypergamy as a smart and/or necessary move, others think it could be detrimental to female empowerment. Mainly because it could send convince some people their worth is only defined by who they marry.

That said, if you come from financial insecurity, hypergamy is not only encouraged, but it can sometimes seem like the only option to reach a different economic status, explains Hoffman. And even if you are financially stable, a 2016 study by the University of British Columbia concluded that even though women earn more college degrees than men, they’re still 93 percent more likely to “marry up” financially.

Whether you’re for or against the practice, hypergamous relationships aren’t going anywhere any time soon. “Hypergamy is something that will always be practiced in a culture where money and power are glorified,” notes Hoffman. “Marriage is still somewhat of an exchange of values. A hypergamous person may value youth or beauty over social status while a hypergamous person would overlook other factors of relationship compatibility if someone could help them elevate their financial or social situation.”

What should I consider before entering a hypergamous relationship?

If you’re thinking about entering into a hypergamous or hypogamous marriage or relationship, Hoffman says it’s essential to reflect on your priorities. “Hypergamy isn’t wrong, but I think it’s important for all daters to figure out what is truly important to them in a partnership and figure out if money or power has value for them over other key qualities in their ideal mate,” she explains.

“As gender roles shift and the playing field in dating becomes level, it’s important to question the values of prior generations and see if common beliefs about what makes someone a ‘high value’ mate are the same things that mattered before.”

As with most relationships, there are going to be tradeoffs with a hypergamous relationship, and only you can decide what’s right for you. Howard says in order to make these types of relationships work, it’s best to be honest about what you’re looking for.

“Marrying for money isn’t a new concept, however, the act of marrying someone for financial stability often works best when each person is aware and agrees on their involvement.”

Whether you’re after a royal or simply true love, the pros agree: The key to a solid coupling is communication.

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