How growing up in purity culture impacts sex

— The effects of shame-based narratives can have a big impact on our ability to experience pleasure fully.

Purity culture messaging is everywhere. Even if you didn’t grow up particularly religious or even if you had fully atheist caregivers, it’s likely you’ve been exposed to messages from purity culture in some form.

Just look at the sex ed we have in the western world: It’s often focused on abstinence and the dangers of sex. This is rooted in purity culture. Look at sexual spirituality (a movement that masquerades as enlightenment and spiritual awakening all over social media) claiming that you need to sage your genitals in order to “cleanse” yourself of past lovers. Purity. Culture.

Purity culture has seen a massive uptick on social media, especially on TikTok with the emergence of “puriteen” views, finding a niche where it can spread the messages of needing to stay “virginal” and “pure” in order to be considered a good or worthy person in the pretty dressing of fun little videos. It’s sinister, really.

While I myself did not grow up in the church, as a sexuality professional — a sex-positive certified sex educator who specializes, amongst other things, in undoing the damaging messages of purity culture, while advocating for sexual freedom and autonomy – I have worked with countless folx who have. Much of the work my colleagues and I do is around detangling sexuality from the messages of purity culture. It can feel like walking backwards on a treadmill sometimes. This messaging is incredibly harmful and impacts people in myriad ways.

Purity culture messaging is insidious from every angle – but one of the most salient is the impact on sexuality. This “type of subculture isolates us into a box (or perhaps a cage) to the point where it is difficult to express ourselves sexually and it prevents us from having autonomy in seeking sexual relationships,” says Dr. Lee Phillips, Ed.D, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist.

Basically, it messes with our understanding and connection to our sexuality. And it’s dangerous and damaging.

Whether you’ve freshly thrown off the shackles of purity culture, are attempting to do so presently – or escaped a long time ago, let’s break down how purity culture impacts sexuality – and how you can start to unlearn these messages in order to embrace pleasure and sexual freedom to the fullest extent.

Purity culture is centered on sexuality. While it targets everyone, it specifically centers around female sexuality – and female chastity, Philips says. It emphasizes staying “pure,” which means not having sex (usually intercourse) before marriage.

While this is sort of the cut-and-dry definition, Laurie Mintz, Ph.D. a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and author of Becoming Cliterate, points out that modern Evangelical views of “purity” go far beyond this simplest framework. Within contemporary, fundamental Christianity, not only are women and girls responsible for not engaging in sex of any kind (or even having sexual thoughts), they become the gatekeepers for male sexuality. “Young women and girls in this culture are instructed to be submissive to men, and to be careful how they dress and interact with others to avoid ‘tempting’ men.” Women and girls are seen as the “moral foundation” of society and are pressured to behave modestly so they don’t make the men around them horny. Awesome.

“Young women and girls in this culture are instructed to be submissive to men, and to be careful how they dress and interact with others to avoid ‘tempting’ men.”

It is a culture of sexual suppression. It means “suppressing or trying to pray away any sexual thoughts and fantasies, desires, not masturbating, not looking at certain media, and generally demonizing all forms of sexual expression outside of traditional heterosexual marriage,” explains Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, who specializes in purity culture and sexuality.

What purity culture messages look like

Now, what do these messages look like, really? Here are a few deeply disturbing examples.

Mintz points to likening women to a chewed-up piece of gum than no one would want if they have sexual experiences before marriage.
Telling women and girls they are responsible for the behavior of men and boys – that they must have tempted them if they are sexually assaulted or harassed. “Men must be both leaders and ultra masculine, but also cannot control their sexual desires,” Rowett says.
Being a good woman means always being submissive to men.
Your spiritual value, your “purity”, and your whole value as a person “comes from not just not having sex before marriage, but suppressing your entire sexuality,” Rowett says.
Your ability to truly love a partner will be damaged if you have sex – and no one will want you anyway because you’re “damaged goods.
If you watch porn, you are addicted to porn. And porn will 100 percent ruin your life. AND you’re going to hell.

These messages are baseless, incorrect, damaging – and downright dangerous. They are anti-science – entirely socially constructed by a puritanical society that wants to demonize sexuality in any form that doesn’t fall within heterosexual marriage.

How the messages of purity culture can filter into our sexuality

Even if we choose to reject the messages of purity culture later in life, they can still negatively impact us without even being aware of it. Shame-based messages are sticky little fuckers. They get their claws into our psyche and refuse to let go. They’re like emotional bedbugs: They burrow in and end up disrupting your peace. Philips points out that these early messages of shame can be quite traumatic – and this trauma impacts the mind-body messaging system.

Central to our ability to experience pleasure during sex is the connection between our brains and bodies. In order to experience pleasure and orgasm to the fullest extent, we need to feel calm and safe. This relaxed state facilitates the messages between the brain and body which, in turn, allows us to experience desire and physical arousal.

Because of the negative messages of purity culture and sexual shame, we can go into a state of Fight, Flight, or Freeze during sexual activity. This breaks the mind-body messaging system. This is a trauma response. As Mintz explains, “If one has been indoctrinated with the message that sex is sinful, that they are sinful, and the like, it is going to result in being immersed in shameful, negative self-talk during sex, rather than experiencing and immersing in one’s body sensations.”

Philips points to the following examples of how the trauma of purity culture messaging can lead to sexual difficulties:

Experiencing a sexual problem and believing it is your fault.
Feeling very little or nothing during sex.
Not speaking up or avoiding discussing sex at all.
Unexplained pain, tension, softness, or ejaculation problems for AMAB (assigned male at birth) people.
Wanting to rush through sexual experiences.
Finding it difficult to engage in sex without relying on substances.
Feeling like you are too much or not enough.
Feeling afraid to take risks.
Losing connection to playfulness.
Difficulties with orgasm.
Feeling unworthy of pleasure.
Being stuck in a cycle of unfulfilling sexual behavior and/or experiences.

5 tips for purity culture dropouts to increase their sexual pleasure

Give yourself the time you need to really heal

Congratulations! You’ve escaped from purity culture and you should be proud. With that being said, the healing process will likely take a long time. “Remember to give yourself a lot of time and space to heal, and know that you don’t need to figure it all out now,” Rowett says. You’ve been inundated with these sex-shaming messages for your whole upbringing. It is going to take time to untangle them and move forward. You’re brave and you’ve got this.

Feel your damn feelings

When it comes to unlearning harmful messaging, emotions can bubble up and spill out. As tempting as it may be to tamp these down, try to sit with them. Revel in the discomfort of it. “You might feel sad and want to mourn the lost years of your sex life,” Philips explains. “You might feel angry, or personally victimized. You may feel hurt. Whatever is there to feel, feel it fully.”

Resource yourself and find community

Start reading books and digesting media from people who have been on this same journey. Mintz suggests reading the book Pure and watching the documentary Deconstructing My Religion to start. Media can help you feel less alone. Next, find your people. There are so many purity culture dropout forums online where you can find people who have the same lived experience that you do.

“Unlearning such toxic, harmful messages is difficult — but with education and support, it is possible.”

Seek professional help

“Unlearning such toxic, harmful messages is difficult — but with education and support, it is possible,” Mitz says. Hire a professional sex therapist or coach who specifically works with folx who come from purity culture. Rowett even has amazing classes that are centered on embracing your pleasure and leaving shame in the past. Learn more here.

Practice conscious masturbation

Conscious masturbation is when you go really slowly with self-touch, breathing deeply and connecting with the sensations in your body. “As you practice conscious masturbation, you will progressively begin to feel safer in your body. This might not happen overnight (especially if the roots of trauma or sexual shame run deep), but it will happen with patience, love, and persistence,” Philips says. It’s simply about being with your body and allowing it to experience pleasure. It is a brilliant way to come into yourself and embrace that your body’s a vessel for pleasure. And that you deserve pleasure!

It might feel like a long road ahead of you, but you can and WILL recover from the trauma of growing up in purity culture. You’re already on your way. And you’re going to crush it.

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