Tag: Sex Education

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Heterosexuality is often considered the “default” but that banner belongs to sexual fluidity

— There’s a difference between sexual orientation, sexual identity, and sexual behavior.

By Kelley Nele

“Something that the LGBT community always says is that your sexuality and identity can change at any time, but when it’s the other way around from gay to straight they get angry and say that it can’t.”

The former quote is a comment that was left on a CBN News video covering the Matthew Grech case. Matthew Grech is Christian charity worker who claims to have left his “homosexual lifestyle” for Jesus Christ.

Grech is currently facing criminal charges for allegedly promoting conversion therapy practices in Malta during an online interview.

Conservatives are outraged by the supposed hypocrisy of queer folks surrounding sexuality, but is it really hypocritical?

Why is it that LGBTQ+ people believe sexuality and gender identity are fluid yet also say a gay person cannot “turn” straight? Well, first of all, some LGBTQ+ people, even some who identify as gay, are in fact fluid and do sometimes engage in relationships with people of the opposite sex.

Since the beginning of time, heterosexuality has been viewed and promoted as the default. This is a product of the Christian patriarchal values many societies live by.

Despite these values and all of the conditioning they come with, there has been plenty of evidence—throughout history—suggesting that it’s not true.

If anything, sexuality is fluid for all genders and orientations. We’re conditioned to believe that you’re either straight or gay; if you’re not one, you’re the other. But, this is far from the truth.

In the book Not Gay: Sex Between Straight White Men Jane Ward shares insights about the various reasons why straight-identifying men engage in homosexual behavior.

But how is it possible for someone straight to engage in homosexual behavior and not be gay? Well, there’s a difference between sexual orientation, sexual identity, and sexual behavior.

Sexual orientation is defined as the quantity and duration of one’s same-sex or opposite-sex desires, often believed to be hardwired.

Sexual identity, on the other hand, is defined as how one identifies oneself; straight, gay, bisexual, etc.

And finally, sexual behavior is defined as the actual behavior one engages in.

The distinction between sexual orientation, sexual identity, and sexual behavior are what make it possible for people’s extracurricular activities to deviate from their disclosed or perceived orientation.

For decades, institutions like the army, prison and fraternities have manufactured circumstances where straight-identifying men are not only encouraged but sometimes forced to engage in behaviors that could be labeled as homosexual.

For fraternity boys, this means engaging in traditions such as the elephant walk or participating in a game of ookie cookie. In the Navy we see rituals of all kind including simulated oral and anal sex. And of course in prison, we see men have sex with other men due to the lack of access to women.

The reason why the straight-identifying men who engage in the aforementioned homosexual behavior aren’t considered gay is because the encounter(s) are either situational or seen as patriotic rituals that promote male bonding and/or character-building.

This makes it abundantly clear that straight-identifying men are capable of engaging in homosexual behavior — proving their fluidity.

It’s important to note that straight-identifying men don’t simply engage in homosexual sexual behavior because they are required to, they also engage in it because they want to.

In the 1940s, Dr. Alfred Kinsey created what we know today as The Kinsey Scale. Dr. Kinsey claims that sexuality exists on a spectrum ranging from 0 to 6; 0. exclusively heterosexual, 1. predominately heterosexual but slightly inclined to homosexual behavior, 2. predominately heterosexual but more than slightly inclined to homosexual behavior, 3. bisexual, 4. predominantly homosexual but more than slightly inclined to heterosexual behavior, 5. predominantly homosexual but slightly inclined to heterosexual behavior, and 6. exclusively homosexual.

The Kinsey Scale explains why straight-identifying folk can have sexual encounters with members of the same sex and remain straight, and vice versa.

Contrary to popular belief, straight-identifying men are not immune to the accidental hook-up with a member of the same sex.

For some, the accidental hook-up may open the door to further exploration and perhaps later the expansion of their sexuality. But, for others, the accidental hook-up is simply a one-and-done.

Homosocial homosexuality refers to men’s need for access to quick and emotionless sex and their longing for physical intimacy with other men. This manifests, for example, as men engaging in mutual masturbation while watching porn.

In addition to that, similar to cisgender heterosexual women, straight-identifying men often engage in homosexual acts like kissing (or more) simply for female attention or pleasure.

Engaging in sexual behavior for ritualistic purposes, attention or pure desire demonstrates the inherent fluidity of straight-identifying men’s sexuality.

Behavior that goes against the grain of one’s sexual orientation isn’t just limited to straight-identifying folk. Queer men are capable of demonstrating fluidity as well.

The term Down Low — which is most popular amongst the Black and Latino community, as well as the queer community — is often used to describe men who live “heterosexual lives” but have sex with men (MSM).

DL men are often queer men who not only present in a hyper masculine fashion, but also cling to a heterosexual identity for the status and protection it provides them.

Several kings, like Emperor Hadrian of Rome, would take wives while also having male concubines. Were these men polyamorous bisexuals or were they simply closeted gay men? No one knows for sure.

Some DL men retain their title, while for others, DL is simply a pit-stop before they fully embrace their queer identity.

Gay men have also expressed engaging in playful kissing with women whilst under the influence, fantasizing about being with a woman, or even going as far as experimenting with a woman.

This can occur more than once, and the events may be separated by years if not decades. And much like straight men, many gay men who have these experiences remain just that – gay.

Unlike straight-identifying men, gay men don’t choose to remain gay because of the status and protection it provides them. There is no status and protection reserved for queer folk. They remain gay because that’s who they are.

Gay men can expand their sexuality to include infrequent attraction or intimacy with women—that is to say, identify as homoflexible—but they cannot unsubscribe from homosexuality.

As for cisgender women, society doesn’t care all that much about their orientation or behavior. Cisgender women have for the most part had the luxury to be as fluid as they like without much scrutiny.

Sexual fluidity, of course, isn’t just exclusive to cisgender folk. As a predominantly heterosexual trans woman, I have experienced attraction to women and explored this desire too.

It is absolutely possible for someone to experience different sorts of desires at different points in their lives—but a gay person is not going to lose all inherent attraction they have to folks of the same sex or gender, just like a straight person who may be a little bit fluid isn’t going to lose their attraction to the opposite sex.

If one’s own natural desire for exploration can’t change one’s sexuality, it should go without saying that religion and conversion therapy can’t either.

Maybe, just maybe, this is because straight isn’t the default we have been conditioned to believe it is. Maybe the true default is sexual fluidity.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Raise Sex Positive Kids

— And Why It’s So Important To

By

I will never forget the time I found my eight-year-old watching porn. I was in shock at first and had no idea how to handle it, but I swallowed my inhibitions and used the opportunity to open the lines of communication around sex, which went really well.
Unfortunately, many parents are not as likely to do the same. It’s just the world we live in. But that needs to change.

There are few topics as stigmatized as sex. By extension, the term “sex positive” is highly misunderstood. So what does sex positive mean? It is merely what it sounds like: having a positive attitude toward anything relating to sex. It’s a simple enough concept, yet most fail to grasp it. In fact, if you mention anything remotely sexual in a conversation, people will often laugh, get uncomfortable, feel awkward and usually make jokes. But it’s no laughing matter.

When there are teenagers going to jail for throwing babies in trash cans and dumpsters to avoid admitting to their parents they had sex and got pregnant, it’s not funny.

When there are young members of the LGBTQ+ community who would rather take their own lives than face another day of bullying, it’s not funny.

When there are children expelled, suspended, even arrested, for sharing explicit images of their “peers” on social media, it’s not funny.

When the young people in those images are cyberbullied and slut-shamed to the point of contemplating suicide, it is not funny.

We are living in a society where many still cling to yesterday’s toxic, close-minded ideals. The outdated school of thought behind everything from female anatomy to gender identity is simply not going away fast enough. So what do we do? It’s up to us as parents to break the cycle and teach our children how to think openly, be accepting, respectful and understanding of others, and to make the right decisions for themselves and their own sexual health.

I sat down with Melissa Pintor Carnagey, sexuality educator, licensed social worker and founder of Sex Positive Families, an organization that helps foster healthy attitudes toward sex in young people. Melissa believes that all children deserve holistic, comprehensive, and shame-free sexuality education so they can live informed, empowered, and safer lives. Her website is a wealth of knowledge for families, with information on a wide array of topics and tips on everything from puberty to pornography. She also hosts interactive virtual workshops for tweens, teens and their trusted adults.

I reached out to Melissa to learn how parents can begin to break the generational taboos and misconceptions around sexuality. She broke it all down for us with the points below.

Sex positivity is not sexualization.

Me: Can you define the term “sex positive”?

Melissa: There’s a misconception about what sex positivity even means or is, and some people can think that it just means being completely permissive about sex or not having limits or boundaries about sex, or that it’s about being very sexual or very erotic, partially because a lot of our media is about sexualizing and erotisizing bodies and sex.

Sex positivity really is about having an open, shame free, honest way of looking at bodies, sex, relationships, all these very human things, and taking away the taboo around it. Being sex positive doesn’t mean that you’re just having lots of sex and that that’s what defines your sex positivity. It’s not just about a person’s sex life. It’s really about making sense of your own choices and your own decisions and also respecting those of other people as well.

Start young. It’s not The Talk; it’s many talks.

Me: When should you have “the talk” with your kids?

Melissa: A lot of parents might think you need to discuss it all at once, but no. It’s definitely a series of conversations, a lot of teachable moments that happen over time. We are sending our kids messages about bodies, about identity, about relationships, about consent or lack of consent, gender identity literally from the time they’re born. So when we realize that we’re sending them these messages, we also understand that we’re creating the constructs of all of these things in our homes, in our families, and in our communities. It’s to our benefit to recognize the influence that we have and that it’s early. And then we can just get intentional about what we want to help foster with our children and that it really can be a collaboration.

Melissa: It’s so important that we normalize talking about periods, about where babies come from, and not just, staying in taboo and promoting fear around sex or seeing these things as inappropriate. Sex is how most of us get here. And kids at a young age often wonder, Where do babies come from? They see their teacher or family members that are pregnant and they have questions about that. That’s an opportunity to plant the seed that ultimately helps to foster comfortable talks about sex so that as they develop and their worldview starts to change and evolve.

But if you keep it silent, if you say, don’t ask that, that’s for adults, or you’re not supposed to talk about that, you’re not supposed to know about that, or if they can see you’re visibly uncomfortable, you shut down and you don’t open that back up to them. That’s a learned taboo. They learn, oh, I’m not allowed to talk about that. I don’t know why. But now I’m not going to ask and I’m not going to be curious. Then when you try later on, when you realize there’s a situation that comes up, and they’re like 13 or 14, and you’re trying to talk to them, they’re going to be uncomfortable because every other message that was sent, either direct or indirect, up to that point, told them that this is not okay to talk about. So they may find other unhealthy ways to learn about it.

It’s not just about sex. Early conversations should include bodily autonomy.

Me Where do you even start?

Melissa: So from the beginning parents can ask themselves, how can I be intentional or just aware of what messages I’m sending? What are my kids observing? And that it isn’t just something that’s hormones and puberty and teenage years – hopefully by then we’ve already sent them a whole lot of messages.

If we want to help foster openness around sex, then the talks might start early with consent, helping young people understand their own bodies, giving them accurate names for their body parts, especially the genitals. Help them understand safe and unsafe touch, and who is allowed to help them when they may still need help. Whether it’s going to the bathroom or bathing or changing their clothes, or at their medical appointments; these are some of those teachable moments. When they’re greeting others in the family or even in your own home, are those interactions forced, or are we inviting or asking? Are we giving options as opposed to saying go give your grandma a hug, even if they don’t want to. Bodily autonomy is a foundational aspect that ultimately will support their understanding of sex and healthy sexuality.

It’s important for parents to break the cycle instead of passing it on.

Me: How do parents overcome their own issues stemming from being raised in a non-sex positive world?

So many of us weren’t taught these things. They weren’t modeled to us. And so we may have been confused as we were experimenting with sex or relationships along our own journey. We may have actually had experiences that are abuse or trauma as opposed to sex, because sex should always involve consent. And that consent should be ongoing and clear. There are many of us that have had interactions that were not consensual, or that were coerced in different ways. And so a lot of that that is taking a look at our own understanding of these topics, how well do we know our own bodies, especially people that have vulvas, people that have vaginas and uteruses because our education system is so patriarchal and taboo and stigmatized when it comes to anything related to sexual health. There are so many of us that didn’t get the education that we needed and deserved to understand how our bodies actually work.

It’s never too late to start the conversation.

Me: What if your kids are already tweens or teens and you’ve never talked about sex with them or you weren’t as open to begin with?

Melissa: We’ve got to take the brave steps to be vulnerable and be honest and so that could sound like ‘I realized that I have not been as open as I could have been with you about bodies, about sex, about puberty, about relationships, whatever it is that you want to talk about and that’s on me. But it’s important that we learn about these things and that you know who you can turn to. So I want to change that. I would love for us to start having conversations or start you know, talking more openly about these things.’

And then that little piece opens up empathy. For many of us, it can just sound like, ‘when I was growing up, I didn’t have anyone that I could talk to about this. It wasn’t normal for us when I was your age, so then I didn’t know how to handle it as you’ve been growing up. But I’m learning. I’m learning a lot of things now and I want to make sure you have support. I want to do that differently for you. It might feel awkward, it might feel uncomfortable. That’s okay. This is something that we can work on together.’

And then you just kind of weave it into everyday moments. It isn’t about staring your kid face to face in a confrontational, high pressure kind of way. Maybe you make time to go on a walk together or you build something together or you go have an ice cream date together something that says, this is time for us. And then in the midst of that time, you naturally kind of move into something. And the more you have those one-on-one times, especially when you have more than one kid that’s really important because then they can feel special. The more that you have that you integrate that, the more you might notice that they bring up things about what’s going on in their worlds.

Self-exploration is encouraged for all genders.

Me: How do you approach the topic of masturbation with your kids, and how important is it?

One thing that I teach about when we talk about masturbation, and particularly when we talk about the clitoris, is that we need to help our kids understand and normalize what may feel good to them. This is so that they can know what does not – which ultimately helps keep them safer before they invite anyone else to play with their body. It’s important for them to understand for themselves, and that helps them establish their own boundaries, their own limits.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen for so many of us. There are so many people with a clitoris as adults that are deep in their adulthood and still never have experienced orgasm. We can trace that back to a major lack of body literacy. There’s been no foundational understanding. But interestingly, people with penises don’t seem to have that same problem. Why do you think that is? It was 1998 when scientists discovered the full body of the clitoris. Wow, why did it take them so long to realize that this is a full body part and not just this little tip? So this is all a part of us changing this narrative on a broader level, and it starts with these conversations that we can have with our young people so that they know yes, that’s your clitoris, and yes it can feel good because it has thousands of nerve endings. Just like the penis has thousands of nerve endings. Those two body parts are homologous which means that they are made of similar structure. Just like you might explain why the heart beats or how hearing works or all the things that they learn about in school – but these things that are so vital to their safety and their well being as humans, are conveniently left out of the conversation.

You might say to your child ‘I love that you’re getting to know your body. And this is not something that we do in the living room while people are around or at the dinner table or at the grocery store. That’s something that we do in private so that you can get to know your body. These parts are really sensitive. That’s why we were clothed to cover them so that they stay protected. And no one else is allowed to touch your clitoris, your penis, your anus.’ All of that can happen in these little teachable moments.

So it’s just us getting comfortable with a new way of helping them understand – helping a new generation understand – their bodies and their rights to their own bodies.

Never punish or demean. It’s okay to be curious!

Me: I caught my child watching porn at a young age and it was stressful. How do parents handle this situation?

Melissa: The world places a lot of responsibility on us as parents, like, don’t raise a perpetrator, don’t raise a victim, all of these messages about how perfect we need to create our children’s lives. And there are going to be things that are going to happen that we may not be able to prevent – like our children finding easily-accessible porn on the internet.

I avoid words, like ‘catch them’, because then that sends that message that like oh, I caught you doing something bad. So if we find out our young person has come across porn or has been shown porn, or has been actively searching, we need to recognize that our children are not bad, they’re not demons, they’re not scarred forever. This is really an opportunity, not a threat. We can get a better understanding of what happened in the situation, not from a well ‘Why were you looking at that?’ stance. It’s important that our reaction isn’t shame-based or accusatory or punishment oriented. It’s our job as a family to help keep all of us safer. We know porn is not for children or education. It’s made for adult entertainment. So we say to them ‘It’s okay to be curious. It’s okay to be curious about bodies. It’s okay to be curious about sex. When you have questions about these things. Here’s what you can do, instead of going to Google or looking at porn, we can talk about it. You can ask me any questions you want.’ And then that goes back to whether you are truly creating a space that feels safe for them to ask, because kids will go to Google or porn or friends if they’re curious when the home isn’t feeling safe from punishment or shame.

If you simply say ‘Don’t watch porn’ it’s likely to just push them back towards it. We need to be more thoughtful and smarter about treating our young people like the whole humans that they are. Give them more credit than sometimes they’re given. They’re more likely to listen to what we have to say if they feel respected, and if they feel heard. And they know that we’re on their team, that we’re not just looking for an opportunity to punish them next. So you can say ‘ I want to make sure that you have reliable information about bodies and about sex because you deserve that. One day you’re going to make choices about sex. And I want you to feel ready when that time comes. Watching porn can send confusing, unsafe and mixed messages.. So what questions do you have about sex? How can I help you understand these things? It’s okay to be curious.’

Understand that others might have different perspectives.

Me: What do you do if your child’s other parent has a different attitude toward sex that is not as positive?

Melissa: There is often the reality that there’s a whole other person we can’t control, someone who has whole separate values, triggers, traumas related to all this stuff. It’s healthy for our kids to see and know that there are different perspectives. What you can control is, when they are curious with you, how you show up for those curiosities. Never approach them with negativity or blame or shame. You can acknowledge it like ‘ you might hear some different things about a topic, so tell me what you’ve heard about that? That’s interesting. What do you think?’ Because sharing your perspective is helping them to shape their understanding of their perspective.

Want to learn more (trust me, we barely scratched the surface) about raising sex positive kids? Sex Positive Families’ interactive workshops are held virtually and open to tweens, teens, and their trusted adults. You can also order Melissa’s book, Sex Positive Talks to Have With Kids, a bestselling comprehensive guide that helps caregivers create the kind of bond that keeps kids safer, informed, and empowered in their sexual health.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Increase Sex Drive

— A Combined Approach

Checking in with your mind and body is key

By Larell Scardelli

Sex drive (libido) is the desire to engage in sexual activity, fantasies, and pleasures. It’s a complex system stimulated by a combination of biological, psychological, social, and environmental factors.1 If you’ve noticed a change in your desire for sex, whether partnered or solo, it’s normal to be confused or concerned.

Before taking steps to increase your libido, check in with yourself to identify what may be causing the dip. Did you get a new job? Alter your diet? Start a new medication? How is the quality of your relationship? Are you stressed?<

This article will help you understand what impacts your libido through a holistic view of your health, relationships, and emotions. Regardless of gender, you will learn how to flow with your individual patterns of desire and learn about integrative remedies, like food and herbs, to work towards a libido that satisfies you.

First Step to Increasing Sex Drive: Identify Changes

A lot can impact libido, so try to stay out of the blame game if your libido is lower than usual or different from a friend’s. Instead, look more holistically at how your life and sex drive are related. Here are some life challenges and changes that may impact your libido.

Terminology

Verywell Health prefers to use inclusive terminology for sex or gender. When citing research or health authorities, the terms for sex or gender from the source are used. In other instances, “male”/”man” refers to a person identified as male at birth, and “female”/”woman” refers to a person identified as female at birth. People may identify with different gender or genders than those assigned at birth.

Age: Hormonal Changes and Lifestyle

Sexual desire ebbs and flows with age, regardless of sex or gender. The same neural and biochemical pathways exist for people of any sex.

People with ovaries go through a lot of hormonal changes during their lifetime, from menstruation to pregnancy to menopause. Sexual desire is closely related to hormones (estrogen and testosterone), so it’s normal to see shifts around these phases.

Many females report an increase in sexual activity in their 30s. Sexual desire is individual, but according to some studies, women have the “highest” libido in their 30s.2

Males may notice their sexual desire peak in their 20s and start to settle in their mid-30s when a natural decline in testosterone becomes more apparent in everyday life.3

Age can also come with other health conditions, new medications, and injuries, all of which can reduce sexual desire in your 40s and beyond. But it’s not all about how old you are. A healthy lifestyle, mindset, and diet at any age can lead to a healthy libido.4

Life Changes

Take note of life changes, big or small. Did you move? Start a job? Lose a job? Adopt a pet? Are you grieving a loss? A breakup? Are you a new parent? Is it a busy season at work? These life changes affect your stress levels and can impact your natural libido.

When stressed, the body goes into fight-or-flight mode, turning off “unnecessary” functions for immediate survival, like appetite and sexual desire.5 Among other functions, stress also reduces focus and energy levels, resulting in foggy and sluggish moods. This is not ideal for sexual arousal.

Medical Diagnoses or Surgery

Recent surgery, injury, chronic illness, or new medical diagnoses can lower your sex drive. The physical and psychological stress of medical issues can affect your body and relationship. Give yourself time to heal and rest.

Pain medications, like opioids, can decrease sexual desire. Other common medications, like hormonal birth control, reduce testosterone levels and can lead to lower libido.6

Mental Health

Clinical depression and anxiety have been linked to a loss of sexual desire. One study shows that 62.5% of mild to moderately depressed males saw increased sexual dysfunction.7 Another study found that women think mental health is more important for their sexual desire than physical health.8

Poor mental health can impact body image and confidence in the bedroom. It can cause sexual dysfunction or pain based on past trauma. Physiologically, depression and anxiety impact hormones, which play a significant role in a healthy sex drive.

Several prescription medications,9 like antidepressants, can reduce your appetite for sex, too, especially if you’re starting them or changing the dosage.10

Quality of Relationship

The frequency of sex does not define your relationship. If you and your partner are happy with the amount of sex you’re having, that’s all that matters. Some couples are even sex-free and enjoy life together just the same.

But if your sex life is a point of tension, look deeper into the relationship. It could be a case of naturally mismatched libidos, or you could discover an opportunity to get closer to your partner by discussing conflict and challenges.

Healthy communication, trust, care, and open dialogue will help you understand how certain areas of the relationship may be causing a loss of sexual closeness and how to repair them.

How to Increase Sex Drive: A Wide Range of Approaches

Once you’ve identified one or more underlying changes causing your libido to plummet, you can explore a range of approaches to increase it. Because sexual appetite has emotional, physical, biological, and social ties, it’s important to consider a holistic approach to treatment. Approaches can include the following:

  • Eliminate or cut back on drugs, alcohol, and smoking.11
  • Get regular physical exams to rule out underlying conditions.
  • Dedicate quality time to your relationship, and consider turning off the TV and other screens to talk or to schedule an activity you enjoy together.
  • Add moderate exercise to your routine.12
  • Make quality sleep a priority.11
  • Explore pleasurable sex with more communication, erogenous zones, foreplay, lubricant, toys, or positions. Focus on the connection over orgasm.
  • Consider sex therapy for yourself or as a couple to understand your sexual goals or work through mental blocks.
  • Journal about your sexual desires, needs, and interests to better understand what you like in the bedroom.
  • Try herbs like Ginkgo biloba, maca root, or ginseng.13 Be sure to discuss with your healthcare provider whether these would interact with any other medications you are taking.
  • Eat supposed libido-boosting foods like chocolate, oysters, garlic, and fenugreek.14
  • Communicate early and often with your partner about your relationship and needs.
  • Ask a healthcare provider about prescription medications that may be affecting your libido and any that may help improve your libido.

No standard exists for a “normal” sex drive.15 Your baseline libido may naturally vary from that of your friends and others you may compare yourself to. A person can be satisfied with a libido that may seem higher or lower than that of others.

Increasing or Enhancing Sex Drive for Females

Females looking to understand or increase their sex drive can also consider the following solutions:11

  • Get to know your menstrual cycle: You may be more turned on during different phases of your cycle, and articulating this can help you and your partner get on the same page.
  • Focus on arousal and connection: Fostering a feeling of closeness during foreplay can flood the body with sexual hormones to cue lubrication and blood flow to erogenous zones.
  • Add lube: Using over-the-counter lubricants and vaginal moisturizers can improve your sexual experience and reduce discomfort.
  • Learn about hormone therapy: If you’re postmenopausal, talk to a healthcare provider about how hormone therapy can help with estrogen levels and changes in vaginal tissue.

Increasing or Enhancing Sex Drive for Males

Males experience stress and hormone fluctuations too. Testosterone, the main driver of sexual function and other male characteristics, such as facial hair, begins to decline around age 30. Here are some solutions to boost libido in men:

  • Reduce alcohol: Alcohol has been shown to lower testosterone levels in males.16
  • Eliminate smoking: Smoking has been directly linked to erectile dysfunction.17
  • Address performance anxiety: Erectile dysfunction can happen at any age and is caused by physical or psychological issues. Talk to your healthcare provider or therapist to address underlying symptoms.
  • Prescription medication: Testosterone replacement therapy or other sexual-enhancing medications may be right for you.18
  • Prioritize your mental health: Mental health plays a big role in libido. You deserve help for stress, anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions. Seek out counseling if you’re struggling with mood swings or unwanted thoughts.

Summary

Life can be challenging, and you’re not going to be in the mood for sex all the time. Factors such as hormonal changes, stress-inducing events, medical conditions, medications, mental health challenges, and relationship quality can affect your libido.

People of all sexes experience highs and lows in their sex drive for a number of reasons. If you wish to improve your sex drive, it is good to look at a variety of ways to do so, and the solution will be different for each person.

Finding and sustaining your unique healthy libido includes taking care of your mental and physical health as well as the quality of your relationship.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Learning Your Desire Style Could Help Spice Up Your Sex Life

By Shaeden Berry

When you hear the word “desire” do you think of burning hot passions?

A low urgent feeling in your belly?

Do you think of Hollywood movies and two lovers tearing each other’s clothes off, tucked behind the locked bathroom door of a party, because they couldn’t keep their hands off one another any longer?

And then, do you think, “can’t relate”? Not because you aren’t attracted to your partner, but because that urgent, spontaneous desire very rarely grips you. For some, that thought process can lead to feelings of shame or beginning to question whether there’s something wrong with them.

At the end of the day, no two people are the same, but it is easy to get bogged down in what you feel like you should want or should feel, rather than tapping into what you actually do crave in the bedroom. Learning whether you have a spontaneous or responsive desire style, or where you sit along the spectrum of desire may help you to understand how you approach our bedroom activities and ensure you’re getting what you really want from your sex life.

What Are Spontaneous & Responsive Desire?

We all exist on a desire spectrum, according to Georgia Grace, sexologist and co-founder of NORMAL, a queer- and women-owner wellness brand. She explains that it’s doubtful any of us will be wholly and entirely spontaneous or responsive, adding that it’s important to know these terms so we can understand there’s no one way of experiencing desire.

“Within spontaneous desire, the desire comes out of nowhere,” she tells Refinery29 Australia. “Like how it might be in the early stages of a relationship,” people who tend to experience spontaneous desire often don’t need an external influence to get them in the mood.

With responsive desire, things are different. “Your body needs a stimulus to bring sex to the front of the mind — whether it be porn, your partner kissing your neck, or even beginning the act of sex itself,” says Grace.

She explains that responsive desire is actually the most common way for people to experience desire, but between bodice-ripping romance novels and the way sex is often spoken about in popular culture, it “doesn’t get the airtime it deserves”.

If you exist on the Internet, you’re probably being fed a lot of content that references spontaneous jumping of bones, and not a lot of slow-building desire, foreplay or being introduced to the idea that many people need extra help or motivation to get in the mood for sex.

In fact, the stereotype that often plays out across our screens is a scenario featuring a long-term relationship, where amorous advances are being knocked back by one partner who’s “not in the mood”. When this is so often displayed as the tell-tale sign of a relationship being dead in the water, it’s unsurprising that many of us might feel the pressure to be spontaneously crackling with desire at all times and find ourselves wondering why we can’t just flick a switch and be instantly in the mood.

It’s also worth considering how these different desire styles are often presented as gendered. Whilst there’s not yet a scientific measurement for desire, Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, cites research that indicates responsive desire is the primary desire style for about 30% of women. In an article about the concepts of desire, Nagoski also highlights how spontaneous desire is so actively pushed as the “norm” in society, when, in reality, many people will only feel desire after first experiencing pleasure (i.e. responsive desire). That means, you are not broken or wrong for not experiencing spontaneous desire, and your level of desire is not an indication of sexual wellbeing.

How Can You Navigate Differing Desire Styles In A Relationship?

Let’s return to the Hollywood movie scene we mentioned above. What if, after one party says they’re not in the mood, there was an open conversation between both parties about what could be done to help them get into the mood — perhaps not in that moment, but moving forward? What if not being in the mood wasn’t treated as an issue, but rather, something that’s actually extremely normal?

Having “desire discrepancies”, as Grace puts it, is not an uncommon phenomenon within a relationship. Grace often sees couples in sessions who have differing desire styles, i.e. where one person leans more towards spontaneous desire and the other is more responsive.

If this is something you might be experiencing, Grace suggests that rather than framing it as one person having a higher or lower libido than their partner or partners, she works to help them understand that they are just experiencing desire differently.

Perhaps the responsive partner isn’t getting enough stimulus to become aroused enough for sex, and in these cases, Grace works with them to examine what she refers to as their “brakes” and “accelerators”.

Some people can be extremely sensitive to “brakes”, which are those triggers that make us feel as if sex isn’t a good idea right now and have us finding reasons to not be aroused. They can be anything from feeling touch-fatigued, stressed, worried or even wider issues of social and cultural stresses and anxieties. Meanwhile, “accelerators” are the triggers that turn you on and can be a specific scent, setting, or a sexual act.

Grace says the key is working on becoming more aware of your brakes and accelerators and managing them, trying as best you can to remove brakes and amplify accelerators.

But the important thing is recognising that there is no right or wrong way to feel desire. We don’t need to be always raring to go. But if we are always in the mood? That’s fine too.&

The first step is figuring out how you personally experience desire, and then doing what works for you and your relationship.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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List of Sex Hormones in Females and Males

By Serenity Mirabito RN, OCN 

Sex hormones are chemicals responsible for reproduction and sexual desire. Common female sex hormones include estrogen and progesterone, while testosterone is abundant in most males.

Sex hormones are produced by the ovaries, testes, endocrine system, and adrenal glands. Menstruation, age, and certain medical conditions can cause fluctuations in sex hormones. Females and males can balance sex hormones through hormone deprivation or replacement therapy.

This article will review sex hormone production, function, and ways to achieve hormonal balance.

Sex vs. Gender

This article uses the terms “male” and “female” as labels referring to a person’s chromosomal, anatomical, or biological makeup without regard to which gender or genders they identify with.

Where Are Sex Hormones Produced?

Females and males have different sex hormones. However, they do share some of the same ones but each with different functions.

Females

The main hormones that contribute to sexual health and desire in females are estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. Although the ovaries are responsible for most female sex hormones, other tissues can also produce them. These include:1

  • Estrogen (estradiol, estrone, estriol): Although made primarily by the ovaries, estrogen is also produced by the adrenal glands and adipose (fat) tissue.
  • Progesterone: Besides the ovaries, progesterone is produced by the adrenal cortex, corpus luteum, and placenta.
  • Testosterone: Although more abundant in males, testosterone is also essential in females. Testosterone is made in small amounts by the ovaries and adrenal glands.

Males

Androgens are the main sex hormones produced by males. Androgens are responsible for male characteristics and reproduction. Several types of androgens are made in the male body, which include:1

  • Testosterone: Produced in the Leydig cells of the testes and small amounts in the adrenal gland.
  • Dihydrotestosterone (DHT): In adults, about 10% of testosterone is metabolized into DHT by the enzyme 5-alpha reductase. A rise in DHT levels initiates puberty in younger males.
  • Estrogen: This hormone plays a vital role in males. In addition to being produced by the testes, the enzyme aromatase converts testosterone into estrogen.2

Function of Each Sex Hormone

Sex hormones are not only responsible for sexuality and fertility but also are crucial for the growth and development of muscles and organs.1 Additionally, sex hormones help prevent medical conditions such as cardiovascular disease and bone deterioration.

Growth and Development

Estrogen is responsible for the sexual and reproductive development of females. Breast development, pubic and armpit hair, and the start of menstruation are all influenced by estrogen.1

Progesterone contributes to a healthy uterine lining for the implantation and growth of a fertilized egg.3 Progesterone is also essential for maintaining pregnancy and reducing bleeding and miscarriage.

Testosterone and DHT initiate puberty in young males.1 These hormones are responsible for penile and testicular growth, growth in height, and facial hair growth.

Arousal

Estrogen and testosterone are the main hormones affecting arousal and sexual desire. In females, the menstrual cycle causes fluctuations in sex hormones, resulting in feeling more aroused just before ovulation, when estrogen levels are at their highest.4

High levels of progesterone, however, can cause a decrease in sexual desire. Although testosterone may increase libido in some females, estrogen is the primary sex hormone linked to female sexual desire.4

In males, testosterone levels correlate to male libido. Age, obesity, and hypogonadism decrease testosterone, thereby reducing sexual arousal.

Organ Health

Estrogen and testosterone are important in preserving muscle strength as you age. In the first year of menopause, for example, about 80% of a female’s estrogen is lost, resulting in significant muscle loss and frailty.

Decreased estrogen levels can lead to osteoporosis (decrease in bone mass and density) and increased risk of cardiovascular events. Testosterone improves cachexia (complicated metabolic syndrome characterized by muscle mass loss) in cancer and other inflammatory-based conditions.5

Immune System

One study showcased how sex hormones influence immune system cells. Androgens (testosterone and DHT) and progesterone boost an immunosuppressive response (improving autoimmune disorders), while estrogen strengthens humoral immunity (the body’s ability to fight infection). However, more research is needed.6

Mood and Brain Function

Research continues to prove that sex hormones affect the entire brain. Depression, memory loss, brain plasticity, and mood disorders result from decreasing estrogen levels. Cognitive impairment during menopause has been shown to improve with estrogen treatment and may protect against stroke damage, Alzheimer’s disease and Parkinson’s disease.7

How Sex Hormones Fluctuate

Hormone fluctuation is normal in both sexes. Premenopausal females will experience hormonal changes throughout the menstrual cycle. Estrogen and progesterone levels are low just before the start of menstruation but are higher around ovulation. As females age, sex hormone levels drop, leading to menopause.8

In males, testosterone levels are highest in the morning and decrease throughout the day. Testosterone decreases at 1% to 3% yearly between 35 and 40.5

Sex Hormone Disorders

Sex hormone disorders can affect physical and mental quality of life. In some instances, they can even be deadly. Types of sex hormone disorders include:

  • Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD): Due to falling levels of estrogen and progesterone 10 to 14 days before menstruation, severe depression and anxiety can be experienced by some females. PMDD affects approximately 5% of premenopausal females.9
  • Menopause: Females 45 to 55 will begin to notice the inevitable symptoms of decreasing estrogen and progesterone levels. Brain fog, reduced muscle mass, and hot flashes are common symptoms of menopause.10
  • Erectile dysfunction (ED): As testosterone levels fade with age, having and maintaining an erection can be difficult. ED usually occurs in men over age 50.11
  • Hyperestrogenism (high estrogen levels): Too much estrogen can cause certain types of cancer, polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), and infertility.
  • Hyperandrogenism (high androgen levels): Too much testosterone can cause PCOS, hirsutism, acne, male-pattern baldness, menstrual irregularities, infertility, and virilization.

Can You Balance Sex Hormones?

Understanding the cause of sex hormone imbalances is essential to creating a treatment plan. If the sex hormone imbalance is due to a medical condition, then treating that condition should be considered. If the hormonal imbalance is due to aging or there is no treatment for the cause, then the following options could help improve sex hormone imbalances.

  • Lifestyle: Eating a well-balanced diet, exercising, maintaining a healthy weight, eliminating alcohol use, and getting enough sleep can impact hormone levels in a positive way.12
  • Herbs and supplements: Some herbs and supplements claim to restore hormonal balance. Nigella sativa could increase estrogen levels, improving the symptoms of menopause.13
  • Hormone therapy (HT): Replacing estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone with synthetic (human-made) forms can help increase low levels of sex hormones. HT can be given as oral medication, patches, creams, vaginal suppositories, subdermal pellets, or injections. Birth control is a form of hormone therapy. HRT is also a vital part of gender-affirming care.14
  • Hormone deprivation therapy: Some medications block hormones, reducing the effects of having too much of a particular hormone. Aromatase inhibitors, for example, prevent estrogen production, and gonadotropin-releasing hormone analogs and antagonists are used to block estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. Gonadotropin-releasing hormone analogs are used to pause puberty in youths undergoing gender-affirming care.14

If you’re experiencing symptoms of sex hormone imbalances, talk to a healthcare provider about having a sex hormone blood test done to help identify potential imbalances.

Summary

Estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, and dihydrotestosterone (DHT) are sex hormones in males and females. Sex hormones are important in reproduction, fertility, sexual desire, and overall health. Sex hormones fluctuate with the menstrual cycle and with age.

There are several ways you can balance sex hormones, including lifestyle changes and medications. Talk to a healthcare provider if you believe you’re experiencing symptoms of a sex hormone imbalance.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Silver daddies

— Why do young adult men like older partners?

By Sachintha Wickramasinghe

You’ve probably heard of “sugar daddies.” Or “the internet’s daddy,” Pedro Pascal. Stereotypes of this popular term abound, but what does it actually mean to be a “daddy”? And who is most likely to engage in age-gap relationships, and why?

Daddies of a Different Kind, published today by UBC sociologist and assistant professor Dr. Tony Silva (he/him), analyzes the stories of gay and bisexual daddies and asks why younger adult men are interested in older men for sex and relationships.

We spoke to Dr. Silva about his findings.

What is a daddy and why were you interested in studying them?

sugar daddies,Daddies of a Different Kind,daddy,queer relationships,queer men,homosexual relationships
Front cover of Dr. Tony Silva’s new book, Daddies of a Different Kind.

Many people think of a daddy as a desirable, confident older man who may be paired with a younger partner. The term has gained popularity in recent years, and while it is used in the context of heterosexual, gay or bisexual relationships, research across the Western world shows that age-gap relationships are far more prevalent among gay and bisexual men than any other group. I was interested in finding out why, and learning more about the older men who identify or are perceived as daddies, and what it means to them.

For this book, I interviewed men in their twenties and thirties who partnered with older men, and men in their forties through late sixties who partnered with younger adult men in their twenties and thirties. Some of the older men actively identified as daddies, while others did not necessarily identify that way, but still fulfilled a daddy role and were aware that others saw them as daddies.

What does it mean to be a daddy?

For many of the older men I spoke to, being a daddy was not just about age and sexual and romantic partnerships, but also a sense of responsibility, mentorship and guidance.

As daddies, they saw themselves as providing emotional support, wisdom and life experience to their younger partners: whether that means helping younger adult men figure out career paths, how to come out, or how to integrate into gay and bisexual communities.

For many older men, it was also a point of pride and self-worth, as they felt that their age and experience made them more attractive and desirable to younger men.

The youngest daddy I interviewed was 43, and in general, men started seeing themselves as daddies in their 40s. Contrary to the popular stereotype of older men going after younger guys, it was often younger men who approached them on dating apps once they had silver hair or had other physical markers of aging, and that really sparked their transformation into a daddy.

What do the younger men get out these age-gap relationships?

Some of the reasons why the younger adult men pursued age-gap relationships included a preference for emotionally mature partners, finding older men physically attractive and a desire to learn from older men. Many of the younger adult men also found age-gap pairings sexually exciting and emotionally fulfilling and were drawn by the idea of having a mentor or role model in their partner.

Whether gay or straight, age-gap relationships can involve a power difference. How did the men you spoke to navigate that?

In most cases, there was a sense of responsibility the older men felt to make sure they treated younger adult men with a particular care and made sure they didn’t disadvantage the younger adult man in any way. In contrast to what many people assume, I found little evidence of widespread power differences that harmed either the younger or older men.

For many men, these cross-generational connections between adults seem like they’re a major part of what it means to be a gay or bisexual man today. According to some demographic research I’m currently working on, it looks like these relationships are actually becoming more common, not less.

But there’s still a lot of stigma and misinterpretation around age-gap relationships, so even though many of the men I spoke to were openly gay or bisexual, they don’t always talk about their age-gap relationships outside of other LGBT groups. This research helps us move beyond stereotypes.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I Can’t Orgasm, Am I Broken?

By Sriha Srinivasan

The first time I had a go at an orgasm, I tried to plan for everything. Music? Check. Unrealistic erotic content? Check. Privacy? I mean, as much privacy as a young teen could get in her childhood bedroom so…kinda check? Fingers ready, I went for it and as my desire to succeed crescendoed, I didn’t. I felt nothing. Truth be told, my first attempts at masturbating were uncomfortable and embarrassing.

When I confided in my friends, they were sympathetic but it seemed that each of them in their own way had figured themselves out. They couldn’t relate to my struggle to orgasm. Throughout my teenage years, I tried modifying every variable I could think of. I thought that if I just had the right playlist, or tried moving my fingers at exactly the right angle, I could spontaneously fix myself. But I still couldn’t reach the elusive ‘big O’ my friends talked about: the supposedly euphoric experience that I’d watched play out on TV and in movies. I started to think that maybe I wasn’t meant to experience an orgasm. That maybe I was broken.

Hearing about my struggle, a friend who I had always looked up to for her confidence and strength took me aside on my 17th birthday and presented me with a small box. “It worked for me,” she said. “It might just work for you.” It was a brand-new Satisfyer Pro, a clitoral vibrator apparently changing the sex toy landscape for people with vaginas. It was totally portable, waterproof, sleek, shiny — and utterly terrifying. I didn’t touch the box for at least a couple of months. I watched YouTube reviews and revisited the step-by-step articles from my youth that promised to teach me how to orgasm before setting out to give it a try. Unfortunately, the first time using the vibrator was too much for me. Even the slowest setting felt like ants all over my clitoris. So I hid the box away and grappled with a fresh onslaught of shame.

It was a shame that I needn’t have felt. Despite my generation having more information than ever at our fingertips, our sex education is still deeply flawed and far from comprehensive. As a teen growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area, I was lucky to be surrounded by empowering young people who talked openly and honestly about pleasure. I remember being 13 and at a Halloween slumber party, having whispered conversations by flashlight after putting on flimsy sheet masks and eating popcorn, laughter hiding our nervousness over topics we really didn’t know anything about. These conversations led me to the teenage manuals of women’s magazines and websites, where I learned that there was an elusive state called an ‘orgasm’ or, colloquially, ‘the big O’. For penises, ejaculation was the obvious marker of having reached orgasm. But for vaginas? The scientific literature I came across wasn’t helpful at all and mainly referenced studies from the early ’70s. The articles I read described reaching orgasm as feeling like fireworks, whatever that meant. My curiosity led me to follow each article step by step in my bid to discover what an orgasm actually felt like, ultimately leading me to my initial failed attempt. Years had gone by and here I was at 17, still hitting the same wall.

In high school, fueled by misinformation, stigma and frustration at my perceived failure to experience an orgasm, I became involved in sex education. Simultaneously, I grew comfortable with my culture as the daughter of immigrants, and as a rising senior created a consent curriculum that I taught to over 300 youth in my parents’ hometown in south India. After I came back to the United States, I became a UCSF California-certified sexual health educator and eventually, during my final year of high school (and at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic), I set out on TikTok, creating my platform @sexedu to reach as many as I could with my work.

From what I’ve seen as an educator, the United States is in desperate need of comprehensive sex education. We need to deconstruct the idea that sexual wellbeing is a taboo topic. I know now as a creator that my story of struggling to figure out how to orgasm isn’t unique. I want every young person to know that regardless of their journey with pleasure, they aren’t alone and they aren’t broken. That’s why I’m sharing my story. In 2023, we need stories to break the stigma.

In what felt to 17-year-old me like a last-ditch effort, I shared my desolate feelings with the friend who’d gifted me the vibrator. She urged me to try again — she said that it was uncomfortable simply because it was unknown. It was a brand-new sensation; I just had to lean into the discomfort to make a discovery. I took a long, hard look at myself. I looked at my body with a mirror in an attempt to become comfortable with these parts that society had made me shy away from. I shoved down the shame I felt and focused on exploring, not on the destination I sought. Yes, I reached those fireworks. Yes, it felt brand-new the first time, and a little uncomfortable because of that. But yes, it was fantastic. It was an experience that belonged to me and that connected me to humankind.

In the end, the elusive orgasm was a journey for me as it is for so many. After all, there are so many types of orgasm: clitoral, vaginal, deep vaginal, G-spot, anal, nipple, ‘coregasms’, audio/visual, blended and possibly more (there’s a debate to be had about the exact number of types given the lack of research on pleasure for people with vaginas). The journey to reaching an orgasm looks different for everyone! Some reach their first orgasm early on with ease; others might not say ‘orgasm’ aloud until they reach college. You shouldn’t feel pressure to orgasm every time either — even the practice of masturbation without orgasm can be pleasurable.

You aren’t broken if you can’t orgasm from penetration alone, or if you need a half hour of foreplay, or if you can’t orgasm more than once at a time. Pleasure is a biological function; it can also be magical and frustrating and your relationship with it can change over time. But regardless of all this, pleasure unites us all — via orgasm, or whatever pleasure might look like for you. It is your right to experience pleasure in whatever consensual capacity you choose.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Edging?

— Sexual Health Experts Explain What It Is and How to Do It

Get ready to unlock a new level of pleasure.

By Kayla Blanton

When you’re really in the mood, reaching the big O can feel a little short-lived, or even underwhelming. And although people with vulvas are more capable of experiencing multiple orgasms in a small window of time than those with penises, both parties can spice things up and prolong the fun by practicing edging—a sexual technique that is essentially the biggest tease of your life. Keep reading to find the answers to: “What is edging?” and “How do you edge properly?”<

Meet the Experts: Sophia Murphy, L.P.C., a licensed therapist, certified sex coach, and director of wellness at TBD Health; Carolyn Delucia, M.D., OB-GYN, F.A.C.O.G., and luminary in the field of women’s sexual health, and Natasha Marie Narkiewicz, sexual wellness expert and head of communications at MysteryVibe.

What is edging?

To use The Price Is Right logic, edging is getting as close as possible—to climaxing, that is—without going over. “Edging is the ability to delay orgasm by choice,” explains Sophia Murphy, L.P.C., a licensed therapist, certified sex coach, and director of wellness at TBD Health. “Scientifically, this can be defined as an extension of the plateau phase, which is part of the human sexual response cycle as identified by [William] Masters and [Virginia] Johnson in 1966.”

The plateau phase is characterized by increased arousal—it follows the excitement phase (a.k.a. foreplay) and precedes orgasm, Murphy explains. In other words, edging is “when someone is able to extend their period of arousal to the point of being on the edge of orgasm.”

Why edge, you might ask? It’s essentially to build anticipation, and ideally, pleasure. After edging a few times, the idea is to “completely surrender to an orgasm of higher intensity than previously imagined,” explains Carolyn Delucia, M.D., OB-GYN, F.A.C.O.G., and luminary in the field of women’s sexual health.

Edging benefits

You may be confused about how suspense in the bedroom would be helpful—but there are quite a few perks:

Prolonged pleasure

While more research is needed to solidify any medical benefits of edging, the upside is, well, it makes for a good time. “[Edging] is a popular sexual technique in an attempt to heighten intensity and fun,” says Dr. Delucia.

Possible intensified orgasm

“Some individuals find that edging leads to a more intense and powerful orgasm from prolonged anticipation and arousal build-up,” says Natasha Marie Narkiewicz, sexual wellness expert and head of communications at MysteryVibe. However, there is little research to back this up.

Increased body awareness and understanding

“Edging can be a great way for people to gain an intimate understanding of their arousal patterns and sexual responsiveness, which translates to better command of their bodies,” explains Narkiewicz. Murphy adds that when you take your time and remove the pressure to orgasm, you can give yourself permission to fully experience your body. “You can learn more about how it changes, how it moves through the sexual response cycle, what works best, and you might even surprise yourself,” she says.

Potentially strengthened pelvic floor muscles

“Some edging techniques involve pelvic floor exercises similar to Kegels,” or an intentional contraction of the pelvic floor, explains Narkiewicz. Research shows that pelvic floor muscle strength is positively correlated with sexual function, especially with age.

Premature ejaculation help

Dr. Delucia says edging—via the start-stop method or squeezing the tip of the penis (more on that later)—is “very effective” in helping men and penis owners who experience premature ejaculation (PE) grow more aware of their arousal patterns and therefore, gain more ejaculatory control. Research has documented this as a form of potential treatment for PE.

Enhanced couple communication

If you practice edging with a partner, the session will require in-depth communication to let them know how stimulation is progressing, which makes it a great exercise in connection. “Unless you’ve set specific parameters for a partner to be in charge of your orgasm, be sure to speak up while edging to ensure your needs and boundaries are being met,” Murphy adds.

Edging side effects

Some research suggests that edging in people with penises may cause epididymal hypertension (EH), commonly known as “blue balls”—a phenomenon in which restricted orgasm causes pain. “This is not a scientific medical condition, and while it may be uncomfortable for penis and testicle owners, will not cause permanent damage,” says Murphy. “Semen will go back into the body if not ejaculated.”

Dr. Delucia adds that EH is “rare” but “very uncomfortable.” If you experience it, her tip is to try and reverse it by holding your nose, closing your mouth, and exhaling forcefully (like you would to pop your ears), also known as Valsalva. That technique is under-researched, though.

How do you edge properly?

How you practice edging will depend on your anatomy and how you prefer to achieve orgasm. However, there is one tip that’s universal, which is the need for transparent communication when edging with a partner.

“If one partner is not into this type of sex play then do not entertain it,” Dr. Delucia says. “Communication of where your partner is in the arousal phases is [also] important to understand.” After all, if you don’t know where they are in the sexual response cycle, things may not go as planned.

Now, for a few anatomy-specific tips.

Edging tips for people with vulvas:

  • Experiment with arousal and foreplay: This stage may change depending on if you’re solo or with a partner, but Murphy recommends engaging multiple senses to heat things up—be that watching something spicy, listening to erotica, or touching other parts of your body first to get the energy going. “The whole body, the nape of the neck, the nipples, may be erogenous,” adds Dr. Delucia.
  • Find your stimulation of choice: “Explore what touch is most arousing and how your body responds from start to finish,” explains Murphy. Some people prefer clitoral stimulation over vaginal penetration and vise-versa, then there are varying pressures to consider. “The most important thing is learning what works for you,” she adds. Dr. Delucia says using a sex toy with different intensities like a wand vibrator “to better explore the areas in the vagina that have extra sensation” may help.
  • Embrace fantasy: There’s nothing wrong with tapping into your imagination. “If you are alone, when you are on the precipice, snap out of the fantasy and allow the heart rate to return to normal and then begin again,” Dr. Delucia recommends.

Edging tips for people with penises:

  • Fantasize: Dr. Delucia’s fantasy advice applies here too—tease yourself (and/or your partner) with a story you can’t resist. Then try to resist it.
  • Change positions: “If practicing edging during sexual intercourse, try changing positions when you feel close,” suggests Narkiewicz. “This adjustment will provide a few seconds of a natural pause in stimulation and cadence to regain composure.”
  • Change your touch pattern: “One of the best ways to edge a penis is to squeeze the tip,” says Dr. Delucia. Or, go for an area that’s highly sensitive—“for most men this is the area just below the glans,” Delucia adds, and when you’re almost there, stop. “This should be fun and allow you to learn more about your own arousal patterns to eventually give you more control of your tipping point,” Dr. Delucia says.

How do you know when to stop edging?

“Once you’ve strengthened your relationship with yourself, you’ll be more aware of your boundaries,” says Murphy. “If you feel uncomfortable, unsafe during partnered sex, or find negative emotions like distress, panic, or dread coming up, trust yourself to take a break. If it becomes difficult to reach orgasm when you desire, it may also be helpful to take a break from edging.”

Put simply, Dr. Delucia says you decide when you’re through: “Stop when you or your partner have had enough.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Friends with benefits

– What a sex and relationship therapist wants you to know

By

There are many kinds of sexual situations people can get into – everything from committed monogamous relationships to a one-night stand. But friends with benefits (FWB) situations are often still seen as controversial, perhaps because of the potential for heartbreak.

Typically, FWB arrangements involve two people engaging in casual sexual activities without the expectations and constraints often associated with romantic partnerships. Unlike a fling or a hook up there is often an understanding that the situation is indefinite and that the friendship may resume or continue even if the physical relationship ends.

Different types of relationships can serve different purposes. Psychological research into FWB arrangements has shown they can be more complicated than media portrayals give them credit for. Unlike a fling or a hook up, FWB arrangements, often involve understanding that the situation is indefinite and that the friendship may resume even if the physical relationship ends.

It’s not for everyone. Recognising your relationship preference is key to understanding whether FWB can work for you or not. If you’re trying to decide whether it’s for you, take some time to think about how you approach commitment. Consider, for example, whether you have a strong inclination towards exclusive relationships.

Research suggests that some people lean towards a committed monogamous relationship while others are comfortable with arrangements across the spectrum of casual and noncommittal arrangement types.

FWB relationships tend to fall into three camps: best friends, sex only and network opportunities. Sex-only relations for example, focus on the physical aspect, while the motivation for network opportunity relationships revolves around opportunity and access to each other’s social circles. Best friends relationships often enjoy both a physical and platonic connection.

The benefits

Research shows many people have a positive experience: it doesn’t always end in disaster.

One of the main perks is that FWB relationships give people sexual freedom, without the constraints of a monogamous romantic partnership. It is like having a trusted partner to experiment with and to enjoy regular consensual sex, but with greater emotional independence.

FWB setups give partners the space and time to explore different relationship styles, as people go through different stages in their lives. For example, one person may be going through a phase where they want more than a one-night stand but are not quite ready for a long-term commitment.

FWB relationships may in fact empower younger women to get their sexual needs met in a way that is similar to men’s ability to do so through casual one-time encounters. Some women report they are more likely to have their sexual needs met in a FWB situation than a hook up.

For instance, in one study of US university students, young women said FWB was a situation where they were encouraged to express their sexuality and were not “held back” by society’s double standards such as slut shaming. So it can be an important part of people’s sexual and relational development that allows them to explore different parts of themselves.

The downsides

Jumping into a FWB is not without its risks. You could end up losing the friendship. Perhaps one person hopes for more than a casual liaison, while the other person wants to keep things simple and physical. The person who wants a deeper relationship may avoid rocking the boat out of fear the arrangement will end if they tell the truth. Those unequal feelings can end up causing heartache.

It is also worth mentioning that some people may deliberately give their FWB the idea it could lead to commitment so that they can get intimacy as they want. Here are some signs your FWB partner has malicious intentions:

  • coercing you into in sexual acts you’ve expressed reluctance to participate in
  • refusing to practice safe sex
  • gaslighting (manipulating you into questioning your own sanity or powers of reasoning)
  • unwillingness to negotiate emotional boundaries.

Of course, some cultures reject the idea of non-monogamous relationships. As long as unorthodox relationships such as FWB lack universal recognition, they are vulnerable to stigma and judgement.

What to keep in mind

As you spend more time in a FWB relationship, feelings can sneak in when you least expect it, which can hit one person harder than the other. This is one of the most challenging complications of this type of relationship. Some people might avoid these kind of conversations because they might fear it sounds like they’re taking the relationship more seriously than the other. Yet, it is important to know where you stand to avoid psychological distress, uncertainty and esteem issues.

happy black couple playing in bed
Talking straight can help avoid confusion.

There is no no rulebook for how to steer FWBs. But be upfront about your feelings and boundaries and manage expectations. This can help minimise misunderstandings. If you discover you both want different things out of the situation, reassess whether it’s time to find a more compatible partnership somewhere else.

Also remember to practice safe sex. Studies show that when people trust their partner, they are less likely to use condoms. Unprotected sex puts all parties at risk for STIs and unwanted pregnancies.

Navigating FWB setups can be tricky. From a sex therapist’s point of view, there is no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to relationships. This arrangement should work as long as you both want the same things.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to bottom better (for the more experienced)

— Some words of wisdom about lube, positions, douching, and more for better pleasure in bed.

 

By Charles Orgbon III

Bottoming can be an intimate and enjoyable experience for many, but if you’re not prepared – both physically and mentally – it might end in what I like to call a “poo-tastrophe.” For those just dipping their toes in the water, plenty of resources exist online about how to douche, the importance of communication, and why you should carefully listen to your body around bottoming. But as a card-carrying bottom, I have a few additional items I’d like to add to the syllabus.

Here are some words of wisdom to help you experience better pleasure:

Don’t starve yourself — you can eat!

Whether it be for Folsom Street Fair, San Francisco Pride, Chicago Market Days, or Palm Springs’ Blatino Oasis, many bottoms spend entire weekends drinking only water and only eating salads for breakfast, lunch, and dinner so they can “stay ready.” Life doesn’t have to be so restrictive. I found it incredibly liberating when I realized that I have about 2 hours after eating to have anxiety-free receptive sex.

Knowing a timeframe for my body allowed me to make better decisions about when to eat without fear of whether or not I was playing gastrointestinal Russian Roulette. Everybody is different, but for me, meals with wholesome and fibrous foods, as opposed to highly processed foods, allowed me to extend my safe-zone window.

You may need to experience accidents to discover what works and doesn’t work for your body, and if a top doesn’t have patience for you to do this work, I hope you’ll trust me when I tell you that they’re not worth your time.

Save time and use a shower attachment

I bought my first hand-held douche in Amsterdam back in 2017. No one told me that there’s a difference between a vaginal douche and an anal douche. It took me a few years of living in complete oblivion, but I am glad I know now and I eventually found a douching bulb with a finer, more comfortable insert.

…until I realized there was even something better!

Shower attachments are an efficient and usually affordable alternative to bulb douches. Whether you rent or own, you can install them in your shower and they are ready to go at a moment’s notice.

And here’s a life hack: just about any hand-held shower device can be unscrewed and turned into a douching mechanism when held in the right position with the right amount of water pressure. When traveling, try finding the hotel rooms with these types of showers, and you can thank me later!

Find the right position

Many of us have heard of missionary, doggy style, and cowboy. Porn sites love to mention these as prominent categories, but what about superman, leg glider, or seesaw? And scissoring is not just for lesbians! GAY SEX POSITIONS GUIDE fascinates me with a universe of options that make me eager to try with a partner. Use this guide to stimulate (in multiple senses of the word!) conversations about what might be the best position for you. Discover the best way for your partner to reach your prostate.

The trick for partners with smaller penises

Just because someone has a large penis doesn’t make them the best in bed and the opposite can be equally said for someone with a small penis. Sex is so much more than just the physicality of our organs–so don’t discount your potential partners who may be a little less than average. There’s something you can do to achieve pleasure.

Try using a little less lube for a bit more friction, creating a more intense sensation. However, be careful to not use too little lube because friction can also lead to more internal small cuts that increase STI risk. If you’re not using condoms and lube, consider adding Doxy PEP and PrEP to your repertoire.

Find the right lube

The market presents us bottoms with many options for lube. Water-based lubes dry up quickly, but are compatible with sex toys and condoms.

Oil-based lubes such as coconut oil last a bit longer, but shouldn’t be used with condoms (they can cause condoms to break).

Then, there’s silicone lube, like Pjur Back Door, which lasts longer, but is expensive and can stain sheets and clothing.

Premium lubes, like Astroglide X, blend water and silicone so they don’t stain sheets.

I prefer silicone lubes, even though they’re more expensive. But people have their own preferences, and it’s worth taking the time to experiment with different products to find ones that you like for different things (you might like a different lube with toys than one for a partner).

Here’s how to get rid of the post-sex trapped gas

I know that I’m not the only one that’s experienced a longer bottoming session, leaving me with excess air in my gut and feeling a bit bloated. When this happens, I start by walking around and massaging my stomach. If ginger is within reach, I crunch it up and make a tea. For the quickest results, however, I drink caffeine, which excites my digestive system and allows me to expel something, hopefully some of the gas along with it. And voila! Relief!

Bottoming requires so many considerations, and this article isn’t meant to be an exhaustive list, but hopefully makes you think and offers a perspective from the receiving end of things that may be helpful.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex in the lab

— Unravelling the secrets of sex and sexuality the scientific way

Research shows that among bonobo or pygmy chimpanzees, who engage in a great deal of sex, such sexual behaviour helps resolve conflicts, which allows natural resources to be shared more efficiently among them

Leading neuroscientist Simon LeVay’s fascinating new book says sexual orientation could be determined by genes, why lizards get by without sex, and how oxytocin and vasopressin could be key to falling in love

By Jane Borges

Science might not have all the answers, but when it comes to seeking truths about sex, British-American neuroscientist Simon LeVay feels that the “scientific method is the best way forward”. LeVay, who has served on the faculties of Harvard Medical School, Boston and the Salk Institute for Biological Studies, California, is best known for his sensational 1991 report that documented a tiny difference in brain structure between homosexual and straight men. His research pointed to how a tiny cell cluster in the brain, known as the third interstitial nucleus of the anterior hypothalamus, or INAH3, which “is deeply involved in regulating male-typical sex behaviour,” was bigger in straight men; the gay men’s cell clusters were in the same size range as women’s. A feature published in the Discover Magazine in 1994, claimed that the study had “catapulted him [LeVay] from his scientific ivory tower into the heated fray of homosexual politics”.

Nearly 32 years later, his fame notwithstanding, LeVay remains just as deeply invested and curious about research around sex and human sexuality. His just-released title Attraction, Love, Sex: The Inside Story (Bloomsbury India) reveals how, world over, scientists like him are unravelling the secrets of sex and sexuality, and in the process, shattering traditional ideas and prejudices. “Much of the research on sexuality is published in academic papers that are difficult for non-scientists to access or understand,” he tells mid-day in an email interview. “Yet buried in this enormous body of research are clues to some important mysteries about sex.” With his new book, LeVay says he wanted to describe the progress that is being made in finding the answers.

The central mystery of sex, says LeVay, is why we reproduce sexually. “To investigate this mystery, I reviewed research that is being done in species ranging from single-celled yeast to vertebrates such as lizards.” Lizards seem to get along fine without sex. “All these lizards are female and they reproduce by virgin birth [asexual reproduction]. In fact, this could be advantageous in evolutionary terms, because it doesn’t require the existence of males. Yet most species do reproduce sexually, either some of the time or [as in our own species] as their only form of reproduction,” he says. Sexual reproduction, he explains, involves the mixing of genes from two parents. “The most likely explanation for the existence of sexual reproduction, in my opinion, is that this mixing allows for the removal of harmful mutations in a species’ genes—mutations that would otherwise accumulate over the generations. Asexual species may crop up now and then and flourish for many generations, but over a long period of time, they are likely to go extinct.”

Simon Levay
Simon Levay

Over the course of evolution, however, some species have developed functions for sex that have no direct reproductive purpose. “For example, our close relatives the bonobos engage in a great deal of sex between females and males. I discuss research indicating that these seemingly useless forms of sexual behaviour are in fact advantageous in evolutionary terms. In bonobos, they appear to help resolve conflicts, which allow resources to be shared more efficiently,” he says.

In the area of sexual orientation research itself, newer and important benchmarks have been set since his own pioneering work. LeVay, who identifies as gay, alludes to the 2019 scientific report by Italian geneticist Andrea Ganna and his colleagues. “Using genetic data from several hundred thousand individuals, Ganna found that genes account for about one-third of the total causation of a person’s sexual orientation. He also identified several locations within the genome where genes influencing sexual orientation [either in males, females, or both sexes] are located. Nevertheless, his work indicates that ‘gay genes’—individual genes that act like switches to determine a person’s sexuality—must be rare if they exist at all. Rather, numerous genes, each having a weak effect, act through complex networks during pre- and postnatal life to establish a person’s orientation.”

LeVay, who has written/co-written over 12 books in the past, also delves into the science behind relationships, arousal, love and attraction. Exploring the latter, he takes us through studies that point to how it is “closely linked to the stomach, odours, and even facial symmetry”. The results, however, are a mixed bag and even LeVay feels should be taken with a pinch of salt.

“Two groups of researchers did this experiment: They showed outlines of female figures varying in fatness to male college students who were either hungry or who had just eaten. In both studies, the hungry students judged the fatter figures more attractive than did the students who were full,” shares LeVay, adding, “This finding goes along with a large body of evidence that judgments of attractiveness can be modified depending on the circumstances of the person doing the judging. In contrast, some aspects of facial attractiveness, such as symmetry, seem to be fixed. This suggests that symmetrical faces are indicators of healthy development, so that preferring such faces may be adaptive in evolutionary terms.”

According to him, the fact that both research groups got the same result strengthens the believability of the finding. “In other cases, research groups have reported conflicting findings. That’s true for some ‘sweaty T-shirt’ studies: One Swiss research group found that men rate the odour of T-shirts worn by women most attractive if the women differ in certain genes from those of the raters, while another group at the same university failed to find any relationship between attractiveness and genetic similarity. That’s part of the scientific process: One of those studies must be wrong, but we don’t know which, and it will take further studies to resolve the conflict.” He, however, rues the fact that research has paid very little attention to the opposite of sexual attraction, which is sexual aversion or sexual disgust.

Love—“which is not the same thing as sexual attraction”—that emotion that has confounded mankind since eons, also finds room in the science laboratory. “It is a desire for union with another person, and consists of passion, intimacy, and commitment in variable proportions,” LeVay says, adding, “People often use the word ‘chemistry’ to explain what attracts lovers to each other, and the science bears that out: research in prairie voles—small rodents that form lasting pair bonds—has demonstrated a key role for two brain chemicals, oxytocin and vasopressin, in sexual pair-bonding. Another brain chemical, dopamine, also plays an important role. These chemicals are not released at random within the brain but within complex synaptic networks that are currently being deciphered.” Much about love, he says, is still a mystery—but maybe not for much longer.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to explore kink safely

— Whatever you’re into, here’s what you need to know…

By Alice Porter

If you’re looking to change up your sex life and try new things, you might be interested in exploring the world of kink. But whether you’re googling new kinks in a private browser or dipping your toe into something like BDSM with a partner, you might end up feeling a little overwhelmed.

And if your only introduction to kink is how it’s portrayed in the media (Fifty Shades of Grey, we’re looking at you), you might assume it’s all dungeons, ropes and floggers. Of course, this is the case for some people, but there’s so much more to kink than just latex and rough sex and there are plenty of ways to explore it that are safe and pleasurable.

With more people exploring kink than ever – Feeld, the kinky dating app, saw a 250% rise in users between 2021 and 2022 – it’s worth knowing your safe words from your scene acronyms.

If you’re new to kink, you’re likely discovering lots of ideas that are new to you. This is exciting and you might just be about to open yourself up to a whole new world of pleasure. But there are a few things to keep in mind to ensure you and your partner(s) are safe as you step into a wonderful new world.

But listen, kink isn’t for everyone and it’s not something you should be pressured into by either society or a sexual partner. Sometimes good old back to basics sex is great. There’s a reason vanilla is everyone’s favourite flavour.

What is kink?

Kink refers to a wide range of sexual interests and activities, but it’s generally defined as a sexual activity or interest that society, generally, might consider unconventional. This includes things like roleplay, outdoor sex and power dynamics like Dom/Sub play, praise and degradation and cuckolding (watching your partner have sex with someone else).

You might have also heard of fetishes, which are slightly different, as they tend to involve attractions to very specific non-sexual things, like an inanimate object or a body part, such as feet. It’s important not to get kink and fetish confused because a fetish is a very specific sexual proclivity whereas kinks are much more common, although there are plenty of overlaps.

The most common kink you’ve probably heard of is BDSM, which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. It’s a catch-all term for lots of different types of relationships, dynamics and experiences, that often involve practices like choking, spanking and other elements of rough sex, if both partners consent to this. But many elements of BDSM are purely psychological, involving relationships where one person is sexually dominant and the other is sexually submissive.

Are BDSM and rough sex the same thing?

Rough sex isn’t necessarily BDSM and if rough sex is your kink, that doesn’t mean you’ll naturally be into chains and whips or psychological games and control. Rough sex tends to refer to sexual experiences that incorporate elements of pain or intensity for the purpose of pleasure. Of course, elements of rough sex are often part of BDSM practices and relationships, but they don’t have to be.

“Interestingly for many, BDSM doesn’t always include rough sex, but for some that enjoy combining rough sex with BDSM, there may be a mixture of consensual sadomasochism and power play dynamics happening,” explains Ness Cooper, a therapist and resident sexologist for sex toy company Jejoue. “Within some Dom and sub relationships, the individuals involved don’t explore sadomasochism at all and more see it as a form of relationship structure built around care, such as service submission or female led relationships,” Cooper continues.

Sometimes, simply knowing that you’re submissive or dominant to your partner is enough to turn you on and there are plenty of ways to show this that don’t involve physical domination. What matters is that you know your limits and how far you’re willing to give up control or be controlled, in and out of the bedroom.

“For some BDSM is a way of forming relationship routines and rituals, and this doesn’t have to include roughness or pain,” Cooper adds. “Rather these individuals may thrive from having a structured relationship that a heteronormative vanilla non-BDSM relationship structure doesn’t offer.”

How to stay safe when exploring kink

Kinks vary a lot and some kinks are riskier than others. For example, if your kink is wearing a particular type of outfit and engaging in gentle roleplay, there may be less of a physical risk than if your kink is being spanked with a paddle. Either way, there are a few things to keep in mind to make sure your experience of exploring kink is safe, sane and consensual.

1. Have a proper conversation about consent

It’s crucial that you take the time to talk about consent with a new partner and ensure you keep having these conversations on a regular basis, particularly if you’re experimenting with more unusual kinks or BDSM.

This might also include specifying what you like and dislike, which could change over time. “If you’re exploring any forms of rough play, chat about areas that you’re ok with being marked,” Cooper recommends. “Talk about consent and explore consent models that may work for your relationship dynamic,” she adds. There are a couple of consent models to consider, including FRIES and RACK. FRIES stands for consent that is Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic and Specific. Apply this checklist when discussing what you do and don’t consent to. Or use RACK, which stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink when you’re discussing the possible outcomes of what you’re about to do. Do some research on consent to help facilitate your conversations and figure out what works for you.

2. Take things slowly

Just because you’re experimenting with kinky sex, that doesn’t mean you need to jump right in at the deep end and passion in the heat of the moment doesn’t excuse rushing in and not giving or getting consent. It can be exciting trying something new, especially if the idea of it turns you on, but your body and your brain will need time to adjust so don’t go steaming in.

“If you’re exploring BDSM with someone for the first time, including sex may be too much all at once and may result in some individuals crashing quickly during the experience,” says Cooper. “Taking things slowly and breaking things up into micro BDSM sessions [where you don’t actually have sex] may be easier at first until you’re both used to how each other’s bodies react.”

When it comes to other kinks and fetishes, you don’t have to dedicate a whole evening to them. There are ways you can incorporate them into the type of sex you usually have, easing yourself and your partner(s) in with little tasters here and there.

3. Keep things clean

If your kinks involve any types of prop or toy, remember the importance of hygiene. Taking your toys to the sink after hours of hot sex isn’t the hottest part of sex, but it’s definitely worth doing in order to avoid infections and things like thrush.

Looking after yourself as well as your toys is also important, explains Cooper. “Cleaning any areas that may have consensual marks before and after is important to avoid infection and making sure you disinfect items such as spanking paddles can help reduce any future risks,” Cooper adds.

4. Use safe words

A safe word is a term or phrase that signifies that one partner wants whatever is happening to stop. Choose one with your partner(s) and agree on what it means to you. For example, does it mean you simply want to stop the specific thing that is happening and move on to something else, or do you want to take a break from the scene altogether? Many people use the traffic light system – red, amber, green – so there’s a way to signify both of these things.

“Keeping safe words simple and accessible is important and talking through them before BDSM play is important,” Cooper says.

5. Remember aftercare

One of the most important parts of exploring a kink is aftercare. This is the part post-sex where you check in with your partner, talk about what just happened, what you enjoyed and what you didn’t enjoy and what you’d do differently next time. After sex, especially doing something kinky or new, it’s normal to feel vulnerable, so take this opportunity to show each other care and support.

If you’ve had some intense moments in your play session, ease each other down off the adrenaline high with soothing cuddles, massages and anything that makes you both feel good. Aftercare can be as simple as a shower together and a cup of tea.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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It’s Your Birthday. Bring on the Nudes.

— For a certain class of extremely online gay man, explicit photos are the go-to gift for friends and followers.

Selfie

By David Mack

When David Dulin celebrated his 36th birthday in March, he asked his Twitter followers for just two things: cash donations to his online payment account, and pictures of them in their own birthday suits.

“It started as a joke, but it’s just become something that we run with,” said Mr. Dulin, a retail worker in Charlotte, N.C. “Almost every birthday I’ll be like, ‘OK, Cash App and nudes: Drop them!’”

Mr. Dulin began coyly asking for nude photographs via social media on his birthday a few years ago as something of a test after seeing other gay men make similar requests on their own birthdays. He was surprised, he said, when some of his online acquaintances delivered on the invitation, admitting that they had been looking for an opportunity to flirt with him.

In recent years, many queer men have begun sending and receiving nude selfies on social media for their birthdays. Variations on “It’s my birthday, send nudes” have been uttered so frequently online that it has become something of a meme (or, at the very least, a generic way for a gay man to announce his birthday, whether or not he actually expects to receive any explicit images). The practice has become so normalized that the request is sometimes simplified to, “It’s my birthday — you know what to do.”

Brendan Drake, 36, a choreographer in Los Angeles who identifies as genderqueer, said he had made the request so often that this year on his birthday he received nudes from friends without even having to ask. “It’s almost like it was expected,” he said.

The trend of gay men soliciting nudes on their birthday speaks to the unique nature of gay friendships, but also plays into a social media culture that rewards humor, according to Tom Roach, who teaches gender and sexuality studies at Bryant University in Smithfield, R.I.

“I think it’s basically a provocation and a challenge, but in a campy way — it has a certain ‘wink, wink, nod, nod’ feel to it,” said Professor Roach, who has written books on queer friendships and digital relationships. “I don’t think people are sincerely, desperately seeking nude pictures of their friends. I think they’re doing it to be provocative, to be like, ‘Look at how shamelessly sex-positive I am!’”

In many parts of the country, it is not uncommon for gay people to have a more relaxed attitude toward sex, including alternatives to monogamy such as open relationships, and many gay friendships begin as casual sex encounters. A 2022 study also found that 85 percent of respondents who were in same-sex relationships had formed romantic partnerships out of friendships, while only 68 percent of all respondents said they had taken the “friends-to-lovers pathway.”

Gay men, of course, are not a monolith. But given the community was born out of a shared sexual attraction to men, Professor Roach said, it doesn’t surprise him that friendships between gay men today “don’t play by the same rules” as others.

In addition to cellphone cameras making it far easier to quickly snap and send a racy photo, social media apps like Instagram and X — the platform formerly known as Twitter — allow users to curate private lists of “close friends.” For many gay men, the feature can be used to ensure that an open call for birthday nudes reaches only a carefully selected audience — one excluding straight friends and colleagues.

Some of these behaviors mimic well-established practices on hookup apps, where the trading of sexually explicit images can be de rigueur. “It’s also importing some of the norms of Grindr into other platforms that don’t necessarily traffic in nudes,” Professor Roach said. “It’s kind of like worlds colliding.”

A birthday can also pose an opportunity for someone ordinarily too shy to solicit nudes to do so in a socially sanctioned way, while the messages themselves can function as an all-purpose declaration of consent for others to shoot their shot in the most risqué way possible.

“It really feels like a way of publicly doing so where the shame will just be slightly less,” said Manuel Betancourt, 38, the author of “The Male Gazed,” a collection of essays on thirst traps and queer longing. “Then, it can be a door, or it can be a window, or it could be sort of an opening into something else.”

The decision to send a birthday nude is often predicated on feelings of attraction, but it’s not always about seeking sex. Jake Niemeyer, a 32-year-old television editor in Los Angeles, said he had sent birthday nudes to online acquaintances as far away as Scotland with no expectations of physical intimacy.

“There’s next to no chance I will ever see this person in-person,” Mr. Niemeyer said. “But still, I find them attractive, they say they find me attractive and that’s kind of a nice feeling. It’s a safe way for both of you to have a micro sexual interaction.”

In a group that often celebrates and rewards idealized muscular bodies, leading some gay men to develop body-image issues, the act of swapping nudes with trusted friends can actually prove to be deeply affirming.

“It’s very body-positive,” said Zachary Zane, 32, a bisexual sex columnist. “You feel sexy, you feel affirmed, you feel validated and loved by your friends. It’s not an invitation to hook up; it’s more so us actually just supporting each other and showing each other love.”

The pandemic isolation of 2020 may have fueled the sharing of nude images among gay men who felt cut off from one another. For Mr. Drake, the choreographer, those fearful months made him worry less about whether his nude images were floating around online. Alone for several months with just his phone for company, he also found important intimacy in trading nudes with friends.

Having an online outlet for sexual expression “was actually a little lifesaving for me,” Mr. Drake said. “A lot of people will call it toxic, but I don’t think it’s toxic. I think it’s really life-affirming.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A sex educator explains orgasms

— Plus an exercise for expanded pleasure

The best orgasms come when you learn how to unlock a sexual “flow state.” Emily Nagoski, a sex educator, shares a meditation to help you get started.

With Emily Nagoski

EMILY NAGOSKI: Unfortunately, virtually all of the orgasms that are available to us in the mainstream media and in porn are fake. The classic example, of course, is “When Harry Met Sally,” Meg Ryan.

MEG RYAN: ‘Yes, yes, yes!’

EMILY NAGOSKI: Actually, what orgasm looks and sounds and feels like varies tremendously from person to person. But how do we learn about orgasm? We learn it from media, and we learn it from porn, and then we think we are doing it wrong if that’s not what our orgasm is like. And we’re not, we’re doing it right, we’re just not doing it the way we were told. And if other people have a problem with the way our orgasms actually are, those are not the people you have sex with. So the first thing we should talk about is what an orgasm actually is. Then we should talk about how they actually happen. Followed, of course, by why they sometimes don’t. And then at the end, I’ll give you some tips to have the biggest, most expansive orgasm you’ve had in your life.

I think people believe that orgasm is a genital function. It is not. Sometimes genitals are involved, but orgasm is something that happens in the brain. And there is a reliable neurological marker for when orgasm happens. And it depends how you measure it. If you measure it one way, at orgasm, the prefrontal cortex goes dark- all of the inhibitory impulses just vanish. In a different kind of machine, the brain lights up everywhere. It’s a whole brain response, orgasm. You have to have a brain to have an orgasm. How we experience an orgasm as pleasurable or not depends on the context in which we’re experiencing it. So when you have a great, sex-positive context, orgasm can feel really good. But for some people, they might have an orgasm during unwanted sex. In that case, the orgasm feels like a betrayal, like their body has done something wrong and they feel broken.

So what orgasm actually is, here’s the definition I use: “It is the spontaneous involuntary release of neuromuscular tension generated in response to sex-related stimuli.” People can have orgasms from having their toes sucked. People can have orgasms from having their ear lobe sucked. People can have orgasms through breath and imagination. The only measure of an orgasm is whether or not you wanted and liked it. If you wanted and liked it, then it doesn’t matter what kind of stimulation got you there. Whatever works for you, is what works for you.

So we can’t even necessarily differentiate between which organ in your body is causing the orgasm to happen. There’s only one: There’s a brain orgasm. We can really struggle around an issue like orgasm, which seems so simple, but we’re taught that our identities are tied to our ability to have orgasms. One of the common experiences for people who struggle with orgasm is this thing that sex therapists call “spectatoring.” Where instead of enjoying the sensations that are happening in your body, you’re sort of watching your body; and worrying about it and thinking about is your face okay, should you be bending your spine in that direction? And all of that worry about your body is just keeping the brakes on and making it more difficult for you to enjoy the sex you are having.

Charles Carver, the researcher in Florida who, with his colleagues, developed this mechanism called ‘Criterion velocity and the discrepancy-reducing increasing feedback loop.’ I just call it “the little monitor.” And it’s as if there is a little monitor in your brain that knows what your goal is. It keeps track of how much effort you put in toward that goal, and it notices how much progress you’re making toward that goal. And it has a strong opinion about the ratio of effort to progress. When your little monitor switches its assessment of your goal from being attainable to being unattainable, it pushes you off an emotional cliff from frustrated rage down into a pit of despair.

The ironic intervention when you’re struggling with orgasm is take orgasm entirely off the table for a long time, months at a time, and just explore your erotic landscape: experience high levels of arousal, and lower levels of arousal, and feel what it feels like to approach orgasm knowing that you are not going to have one. The reason we take away the goal entirely is to help the monitor relax. Are you achieving your goal? If your goal is pleasure, and your little monitor is like “Pleasure: check!” your monitor is released from the necessity of judging you and trying to motivate you to work harder. Working harder to have an orgasm is rarely the thing that’s gonna get people where they wanna go. And if people struggle too long and they feel like there’s something wrong with them and they’re broken, they absolutely find themselves in a pit of despair. And if you’re feeling in a dark place because there’s something wrong with your orgasms: connection with other people, connection is the most important antidote to the darkness. The only measure of an orgasm is whether or not you wanted and liked it. If you practice experiencing pleasure without making it goal-oriented or trying to achieve orgasm, but rather just to experience all the pleasurable sensations your body is capable of, you win every time.

So here’s an exercise that helps you to expand your orgasms: Anyone with any set of genitals of any gender identity can practice this. You can do it alone or with a partner. This takes about an hour, generally, and it takes a lot of practice. You gotta choose how you spend your time. You could do this or you could just like watch Netflix. It is not necessary in order to be a sexually-well person by any means; it is the equivalent of running a marathon. Nobody needs to do it, but if you need a hobby, I recommend this one. Versions of this are part of tantric meditations where they use Kundalini breathing in order to access different spiritual states, but ultimately, it’s about the physiology of how orgasm tension generates and dissipates. And when you can get to a place where as much tension is coming in as is going out at the same time, it’s like every cell in your body is resonating at the same rhythm, like you’re a bell that’s ringing. You’re gonna notice some things about this practice that will probably remind you of mindfulness or other forms of meditation, especially breath meditation.

I’m gonna ask you to pay attention to the sensations that are happening in your body. And that comes really easily to some people, and for others, it is quite difficult. They get distracted, and that’s fine. Like a mindfulness practice, if you notice other distracting thoughts come along, and maybe it’s a thought about body self-criticism, maybe it’s a thought about the past, just, “Hello, distracting thought. I’m gonna put you on a shelf right now, and I’m gonna turn my attention back to the sensations that are happening all over my body.”

Every orgasm is different from every other orgasm, but there are some strategies that work for a lot of people to move in the direction of having quite an enormous orgasm. You imagine arousal from like zero, not at all aroused to 10, currently having an orgasm. You stimulate yourself in whatever way works for you up to about a five, and then you allow that arousal to dissipate. You let yourself get back down to a one. So a one just feels like just barely any attention drifting toward orgasm. And then you stimulate yourself back up to a six, right? This is still a middle level of arousal. You’re not very aroused, you’re nowhere near orgasm. And then you allow your arousal to drift back down to a two and then you stimulate yourself back up to a seven. And if you are at the beginning of this process, you’re gonna be learning what seven feels like versus a three, which you’re gonna let your arousal drift back down to a three, and then you’re going up to an eight. And at eight, you’re real aroused. You might see the orgasm train coming to the station. It’s not there yet, but you can hear it- there’s a whistle. And then you allow your arousal to drift back down to a four or a five. And then you go up to an eight and a half, go back down to a six. And up to a nine.

Now when you get to a nine, the orgasm train is pulling into the station and the doors are opening and you would like to get on, but you’re gonna put active effort into allowing your arousal to dissipate. Remember, it’s neurophysiological tension, so you’re just going to allow the tension. You’re literally going to breathe and soften all the muscles of your body because as you get to that eight, eight and a half, nine level of arousal, you’re gonna begin to experience carpal pedal spasms, carpal like carpal tunnel syndrome. Your hands are gonna clutch and your feet are gonna point and your ankles. And that’s involuntary. And you’re gonna make a voluntary choice to soften all of your muscles and let your arousal go back down to a seven, which is a high level of arousal but it’s not an eight or a nine. And you go back up to a nine and a half. Now at a nine and a half, you’ve got one foot on the train and it might feel like it’s pulling outta the station. And you know what? If the train pulls outta the station while you’re on the orgasm train, “Oh dear, you had an orgasm.” That’s not failure, right? But, if you can, you keep your foot off the orgasm train and you go back down to an eight, nine and three quarters and an eight and a half, and a 9.85 where you are really close like you can feel the orgasm right there. And you’re gonna soften all the muscles in your body from your core out to the periphery. And at this point, you are oscillating right at the peak of where orgasm is. And if you can maintain a balance of tension generation and tension relaxation, you can stay in that state and sustain it indefinitely.

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What Is A ‘Financial Dominatrix’?

By Desirée O

There’s no doubt that every relationship has its unique dynamic, which is part of what makes them all so special. However, some share the same fundamentals, attractions, and particular preferences. For instance, there are various kinds of female-led relationships, including ones that can end up being quite financially lucrative. That’s especially true if you’re what’s known as a financial dominatrix. The name certainly hints at the full meaning, which involves powerful women controlling submissive figures that offer them payment in the form of money or gifts understood as tributes. Although submissives — known as finsubs or other monikers — can be men, women, or non-binary, they all desire to be dominated in various ways, including financially.

“It’s controlling someone through their wallet,” financial dominatrix Mistress Marley explained to The New York Times. “I love waking up every day realizing that submissive men pay all my bills and I don’t spend a dime.”

Of course, that’s just a simplified explanation, and there is much more involved when it comes to these particular money-related relationships. From how it really works to how much money a financial dominatrix can make, there’s no doubt that you’ll find yourself intrigued by this kind of pricey.

How financial domination really works

hands holding ribbon-wrapped money  

Being involved with a financial dominatrix includes one person offering another money or gifts and the other responding with a specific kind of attention. However, there is much more to know regarding the ins and outs of this sort of connection. For instance, some of the domination may come in short messages and brief interactions; at other times, it might be hours-long sessions (in-person or online) meant to fully wear down and break down the submissive person. The latter option will possibly involve a spending limit. If that’s the case, the session will end when all the money is spent. The same goes for a session meant to empty the sub’s bank account.

For anyone who is shy or has other reasons to protect their identity, the fact that you don’t need to meet in person is definitely a perk. Some interactions merely involve sending pictures that can obscure the subject’s face if they don’t want to be identified. When it’s time to pay up, money can be sent online using platforms like OnlyFans or Stripe. If gifts are preferred, a financial dominatrix may set up an Amazon wishlist or accept gift cards. The dom will offer their distinctive expertise in return for the payment and presents.

Findom is about power and control

a chain around money  

It might be difficult for some people to understand why anyone would want to hand over their money to a financial dominatrix. It has to do with a particular kink. Joe Kort, a sex and relationship therapist and co-director of the Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, explained to The New York Times, “It’s a power exchange, just like in B.D.S.M., only it’s without ropes or chains — it’s with money. The money is, in fact, the chains, because dommes are tying up subs financially.”

Indeed, BDSM (a.k.a. bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism) can be practiced in many forms. However, all involve some power play. It’s also relatively popular, with 47% of women and 60% of men revealing in a 2016 study that they have imagined being a dom. On the other hand, there are people attracted to the submissive side. A person identified as R.J. told The New York Times they had given over $150,000 during their findom relationships and noted, “It’s this feeling of giving up complete control, of someone having ownership over you. I find that really arousing.”

Phillip Hammack, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Santa Cruz, who is also the director of its Sexual and Gender Diversity Laboratory, confirmed, “The arousal is in the act. It’s about that loss of control.” That’s why some findom relationships don’t even involve touching.

Findom doesn’t have to include physical contact

Many relationships — including ones involving power and control — include a physical aspect. That can certainly be true when it comes to a findom situation; however, it doesn’t necessarily involve any physical contact. Financial dominatrix Mistress Harley told Cosmopolitan, “There is absolutely no sex and usually no touching of any kind involved. This is a submissive person giving me money because it gives me pleasure to receive it and them a pleasure to give it.”

Of course, there are some exceptions. If a dominatrix wants to offer a kind of power play that includes physical contact — or even sex in one form or another — that’s both their choice, as well as one the sub must agree to. Even Mistress Harley is willing to meet up with her subs, but only to be paid, which she controls as well. The subs hand over their ATM or credit cards, and she takes money from their accounts herself. She also pointed out, “The most I’ve ever allowed a submissive to touch me was to kiss my feet after spending thousands and thousands of dollars on me.”

If that doesn’t sound quite like the kind of arrangement you’re interested in, don’t worry! Forming a relationship with a financial dominatrix as a submissive also involves figuring out what works and doesn’t work for you.

You have to find the right financial domination fit

Being involved with a financial dominatrix or, in turn, someone who is submissive may seem pretty straightforward on the surface. However, the intricacies of the relationships make them satisfying for both people. Or not satisfying at all. That’s why, as Ethan, a submissive figure based in Yorkshire, England, told BuzzFeed News, “It’s just like any other relationship in that some don’t work out because you don’t want the same thing out of it.”

That also means that as a dominatrix and a sub, it’s crucial to find out what you want, your goal, and what you’re comfortable doing. As a dominatrix, you should define clear boundaries for yourself and your submissives. Also, think about what kind of interactions you are interested in and what you don’t want to offer — considering everything from your ideal subs to how you can be compensated. As a submissive person, do the same, as well as come up with a budget for yourself if needed.

Remember to keep in mind that you can try out various arrangements and change things as you feel necessary. Just be sure that the other person (or people) involved are on the same page and consent to whatever is being offered and received on both ends. If that’s not the case, then it might be time to end one relationship and move on to something that’s a better fit.

Financial domination can be healthy or harmful

Financial domination may seem iffy to those unaware of the motivations and connections involved. Although dodgy circumstances might pop up — as they can in any relationship — sex therapist Kelly Wise, Ph.D., told Men’s Health that findom can be healthy. It just needs to be done safely, including limits, openness, and, as always, consent. As a financial dominatrix, Jenna Sativa also acknowledged the demands of the position, saying, “It is definitely easier money than anything else I’ve ever done, but at the same time, it’s not easy, because you have to put in a lot of time and money for these clips. These guys want to see you looking good when they’re giving you $100 for every paycheck.”

Beyond that, those who dominate can feel a responsibility toward their subs. That means giving them the attention they pay for as well as controlling the arrangement when it may be getting out of hand. Financial dominatrix Bratty Nikki explained, “Anytime I’ve seen someone who’s pushing themselves too far and was feeding an addiction, I’ve let them down gently or told them I don’t think we should continue. You want to push the envelope, but you don’t want to push them off the ledge. It is a delicate dance.”

“[It] does take a personality that is caring,” financial dominatrix Tatiana added. That’s perhaps just one thing that people may not realize about this kind of arrangement.

There’s confusion around being a financial dominatrix

Even if you’re aware of financial domination, you might be confused about certain aspects of being a part of this kind of relationship. A financial dominatrix known as Food Fetish told Refinery29, “One of the biggest misconceptions is that it’s easy, and that you’re going to sit there and say, “Give me your money!” and people are just going to give it to you. You have to be giving something in order to get something — that’s what people don’t understand.”

That’s not to mention that people dismiss findom as something that anyone can do without being informed about what’s involved or proficient at what’s required. They also don’t realize that a financial dominatrix has to be reliable and keep up with a steady stream of messages, images, videos, or posts if needed.

Additionally, Food Fetish brought up the importance of finding your niche within the findom community, noting that some don’t realize they can’t simply do the same thing as others. They instead need to make their mark in their own way. She explained her attitude toward her content, saying, “Once you put something on the internet, it’s there forever, which is why I decided to create my own lane…”

Beware of fake findoms

Perhaps another misunderstanding about being a financial dominatrix is that you can do whatever you want to the submissives under your control. That’s definitely not true, as there’s a responsibility, as we’ve mentioned. Failing to fulfill that is not only a breach of trust but can also be a sign that something fishy is going on, such as a fake findom. A man named Chris told BuzzFeed News, “I had a few different doms. There wasn’t much actual domming going on, I would just talk to them and on occasion I’d send them something … A lot of these people don’t have any ethics.”

“Online though — especially on Twitter and Facebook — there are hundreds and hundreds of fakes, and they’re usually catfish, that is, men pretending and posting pictures taken from somewhere else,” financial Dominatrix Krystal Goddess told Mel Magazine. Fortunately, if you’re a submissive person looking for a dom, you can protect yourself by knowing what to do before entering a findom arrangement. Another financial dominatrix, Princess Abbie, said, “They should search for the domme’s name on social media and see if they’re mentioned in any call-out posts, and pay attention to how and what they tweet. These accounts get weeded out by the community, so scammers earn a bad name quickly.”

Of course, if you or the financial dominatrix you’re interested in are legit, then a fair share of money might change hands.

A financial dominatrix can make a lot of money

money in a bra  

Whether you are (or are interested in) working as a financial dominatrix or are intrigued by the idea of being submissive to one, there are plenty of details to consider. Of course, in the end, money is a significant factor. So, how much can a financial dominatrix make? That depends on how many subs they have, what they offer, and how much they charge, among other things. However, thanks to people who have opened up about their findom income, you can get an idea.

TikTok user Hope Vicious shared a video answering a question asking if her subs have to pay a certain amount of money. It was a definite yes. On top of requiring them to send her money and buy gifts continually, she told her followers, “I do have a minimum and some people would consider it high but I actually consider it quite low for what the going rate is for doms with my level of experience. So the minimum weekly tribute that I accept is $100 a week.”

While that’s impressive, Mistress Marley told The New York Times that she was only two years into being a financial dominatrix when she started earning up to $2,500 a week. Yes, each week! She also provided screenshots showing she can now make $5,000 weekly. She noted, “So many people are thriving off of this industry online. I know this because I’m thriving.”

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