— And it’s shorter than you think
Heard of limerance?
By Ebony Leigh
The term ‘honeymoon phase’ gets thrown around like an imaginary wonderland full of sex, sunshine and satisfaction.
But according to science, it’s very real and there’s a very real reason why it’s called a phase, because apparently there’s an exact time frame when your sex life drops off.
What is limerance?
“Limerence is that early stage of a relationship where it’s almost like an obsession that you feel with a new relationship energy,” somatic sexologist Alice Child tells Body+Soul.
“There are a lot of chemical changes which are happening in the brain and in the body in that new period of time in the relationship which can feel pretty obsessive.
“You think about that person all of the time and there’s also so much uncertainty, so much newness, so much tension and so much novelty, and that acts as really good fuel for arousal and libido.”
So no wonder the sex can be out of this world, filled with “really erotic and experimental” time under the sheets and “really connective intimacy”.
When does limerance wear off?
But given its volatility, it’s no surprise that limerence has an expiration date. And when the limerance wears off, so too can the sexual drive in a relationship, which Childs says can fall between six months and two years.
“For some people, they start to notice that the part of their relationship that was so exciting, so experimentative and so passionate has taken a backseat, and they don’t really know why or what to do about it,” Child explains.
It’s something she hears about a lot from her clients, but says there’s a good reason why it happens.
Why does sex drive have an expiry date?
“We as humans, on the one hand, really want love, security, stability and no uncertainty, and that’s where relationships start to go over a longer period of time as you get more and more committed, build up more and more trust, and get to know each other better and better,” she says.
“But on the other hand, we have this human desire for adventure, novelty, newness, uncertainty and drama, and that’s where the erotic lives.
“You can then understand why, when you’re in a relationship and really prioritising this idea of two becoming one and removing all of the uncertainty, that your sex life can suffer.”
So, how can you keep the spark alive?
4 ways to keep the sexual spark alive
#1. Put yourself first
For couples moving through the honeymoon phase, Child’s first piece of advice is not to stop prioritising yourself, and to spend time apart.
“Any sort of connection needs some sort of separateness in order to happen so give yourself some time to miss each other,” she explains. Which also gives you time for you.
“Prioritise your own friendships, your own hobbies, your own things that make you who you are, and remember why your partner found you attractive and why you found them attractive in the early days,” Child says.
“Then ask yourself, are you both still prioritising those things that make you who you are, even though you’re now in this beautiful, committed relationship?”
#2. Find your erotic core
The next step is “getting under the hood of what works”, Child says, which basically involves quizzing each other on what you like together.
“So think, ‘What’s really hot for us, what do we love and what turns us on?’,” Child recommends And then go one step deeper and ask, ‘Oh, what’s so hot about that?’
That, she says, is the key to eternal sexual satisfaction.
“That’s how you can get to the [root] of what’s called your core erotic theme, and that is really the answer to how to have hot sex year after year after year after year, even in a 20 year marriage,” Child explains.
“You’ve got to really understand your own erotic brain and your partner’s erotic brain and really understand each other so you don’t don’t ever run out of ideas.”
#3. Stay curious
Of course, the erotic brain can change over time as “you get exposed to new turn ons, new ideas, new fantasies and new things,” Child says.
“So really get into a habit of after sex turning to each other and saying, ‘What was your favourite bit? Why was that so hot? And what was fun about that for you?’.
Whatever you do, she adds, don’t lose that “curious mindset”, because we’re constantly learning about each other and ourselves.
“It can be so easy in a long term relationship to think you know each other really and you do, but that’s when things become really routine or habitual,” Child explains.
“And that’s when things start feeling boring, so keep that beginner’s curious mindset, like ‘What more can we discover? What does that mean next time?’”
#4. Try new things
Spicing it up with a sex toy can be a real game changer for what goes on in the bedroom and in your erotic mind.
“There’s such amazing products out there now that the simple act of bringing in a new toy is enough to bring that curious mindset back,” says the sexologist, who has developed an intimacy course called Pillow Play to help couples learn new skills and increase their connection, chemistry and communication.
“It’s like ‘Oh, what’s it going to feel like? What’s it going to do? Are you going to use it on me? Am I going to use it on you?’.”
It’s all about getting back to that ‘trying new things’ headspace, Child says, along with “beautiful new sensations and beautiful new fantasies.”
But why stop at toys?
“You know, reading erotic fiction and listening to audio porn, all of these things can give you new ideas and again afterwards you can ask yourselves, ‘What part of that was exciting for me? Why was that exciting? How could I bring that into our sex life?’.
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