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What Is A Masochistic Person?

10 Traits & Behaviors Of A Masochist

By Lissa Rankin, M.D.

A masochistic person is someone who finds gratification through pain, degradation, or self-denial. Masochism is popularly associated with BDSM; a sexual masochist is someone who likes pain as part of sexual activity, which can be a healthy and empowering kink. But there are also less healthy types of masochism that manifest in people’s personal and professional lives. The psychological masochist is someone who looks for ways to torment themselves in their day-to-day.

For how to know if someone is a masochist, here are some common masochistic behaviors, traits, and tendencies.

1. You can’t say no.

The No. 1 sign that someone is a masochist is that they are unable to say no. Saying no is not selfish or unkind—it’s an act of radical self-care. It’s a way to communicate that you’re not able to say yes without inflicting literal or metaphorical pain upon yourself.

If you’re not sure whether to say yes or no, pause and take a breather. Does your inclination to say yes come from a desire to please someone or seek approval? Check your motivations and give yourself permission to be kind to yourself. Remember, “No” is a complete sentence, and it’s possible to say it with infinite compassion and tenderness.

2. You’re very invested in pushing yourself to be “good.”

You’re religious about your morning meditation practice. You try to do yoga every day, even when you’re sick, and if you miss it, you feel awful. You won’t let yourself “cheat” on your diet, even when it’s your birthday. You beat yourself up when you have too much to drink, and gaining five pounds turns you into a self-berating exercise tyrant.

Ease up. While there’s nothing wrong with discipline and good intentions, our quirks, eccentricities, triumphs, and mistakes are what make us so beautifully human.

3. You get off on sacrificing yourself for others.

A masochist sees personal pain and sacrifice as a means to gain validation. Check your motivations any time you’re called on for a favor, especially those that require you to sacrifice a lot of yourself. If you’re driven by feelings of unworthiness that lead you to overcompensate, or by a fear of disappointing someone, go inward. Soothe the part of you that yearns to rescue, and rescue yourself this time instead.

4. You resist receiving blessings when others try to give them to you.

Many people, especially those with the healer archetype, tend to get uncomfortable when too many blessings flow their way. In order to turn this around, you’ll have to practice “bench pressing” your receiving muscles.

Just like biceps, your receiving muscles need exercise. Try giving yourself what psychologist Anne Davin, Ph.D., calls a “beauty bath.” Treat yourself to beauty in all forms—beautiful music, aromatherapy oils, a Rumi poem, fresh flowers, a symphony. Overdo it. Practice drinking in all the beauty instead of resisting it. We all deserve blessings—you do too.

5. You are attracted to narcissists.

Narcissists can be charismatic, compelling, magnetic, and hard to avoid. But if you keep walking straight into that trap over and over, you may very well be a masochist—and an echoist, aka the opposite of a narcissist who’s always falling for them. Break the pattern now, and choose to spare yourself the heartbreak and disappointment you’ll inevitably feel when you keep choosing to be the Echo to someone’s Narcissus.

6. You fail to stand up for yourself.

It’s one thing to be kind, compassionate, and accommodating. It’s a whole other thing to let yourself become a doormat. The latter falls into masochistic territory. Be soft and yielding but also fierce and strong. It’s possible to be multifaceted and embrace all sides of you—and that includes a side that won’t be taken advantage of. It’s a surefire way to turn masochism into self-love and self-respect.

7. You’re hooked on perfectionism.

Many masochistic behaviors actually stem from perfectionism. Life is messy. It’s easy to become overwhelmed by a fear of being perceived as imperfect—a sort of fascism of the soul. Give your soul permission to be imperfect. It needs room to experiment, screw up, learn the hard way, and ultimately rise above it.

8. You judge yourself for negative emotions.

There’s no way to avoid feeling sad, lost, disappointed, scared, or angry sometimes. Spiritual bypassing—masking emotions by shifting your energy or monitoring your thoughts—always comes back to bite you. While it may help you avoid painful emotions in the short term, suppressing yourself is a soul-splintering sort of masochism.

Try to feel what you feel without holding back or judging any emotion as “wrong.” Resist nothing. You’ll be surprised by how quickly most painful emotions pass when you relax into them.

9. You’re magnetized to drama.

Masochists see drama and run right into the heart of it. If you’re a drama junkie, ask yourself why. Doesn’t it hurt? Do you want to keep hurting? Give yourself permission to prioritize the people and situations that cultivate the stillness in you.

10. You run the other way if anything feels too good.

While I’m not suggesting that we should all turn into overindulgent hedonists, the inability to relax into simple pleasures is an obvious sign of masochism. Do you find yourself bored when life flows with ease? Do you have a story that says that everything good in life comes alongside pain? Well, it’s time to rewrite the story. Allow yourself to experience infinite blessings without undue pain.

The bottom line.

Make sure you’re not kicking yourself if some points on this list describe you. Again, it’s OK that you’re not perfect. Just think of this as a time to look inward and work on yourself—most of us have tendencies that result in some form of self-sabotage, and now you’ve identified a few of yours. Now all you need to do is take some proactive steps and show yourself a little love.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is a Wet Dream?

It’s perfectly normal and can happen to both males and females

By Brandon Peters, MD

A wet dream, also known as nocturnal emission, is a spontaneous orgasm during sleep that causes a male to ejaculate (“cum”) and a female to orgasm and secrete vaginal fluids. A wet dream is a perfectly normal occurrence, especially during the teenage years or when an adult has an extended period of sexual abstinence (not having sex).

This article explains what causes wet dreams in males and females. It also describes ways to prevent wet dreams if they have become problematic for whatever reason.

A wet dream causes a spontaneous orgasm while you are asleep. An orgasm is the climax of sexual excitement centered around the genitals of both males and females.

For males, orgasm is accompanied by the propulsive release of semen (ejaculation). With females, there may the release of a clear fluid from the urethra (the tube through which urine normally exits the body) during fluid.

Sometimes, a person may only realize that they’ve had a wet dream when their bed sheets or undergarments are moist with semen or vaginal wetness. At other times, an orgasm during a wet dream can be intense enough to awaken a person.

Wet dreams may occur throughout your lives after puberty. But, they are more common during the teenage years when sex hormones are surging or during periods of prolonged sexual abstinence.1

Nocturnal emissions typically start at age 13 to 14 during the so-called middle adolescent years.2 Around 38% of teenage males experience a wet dream before learning what it even is.3

Causes of Wet Dreams

During sleep, the blood flow to your sexual organs may be increased. For males, this can lead to an erection (“hard-on”). This is the common cause of “morning wood” in which you awaken with an erection, typically without ejaculation but sometimes with preseminal fluid (“pre-cum”).

Nocturnal emissions differ in that orgasm occurs during a wet dream. The underlying cause is unknown but there are several theories. Among them:

  • Erotic dreams: Erotic dreams occurring during REM sleep may lead to orgasm. REM sleep is the stage where you will experience the most intense and vivid dreams.
  • Testosterone surge in teens: Wet dreams are linked to high testosterone levels. Testosterone, the primary sex hormone in males, will surge during the teen years right up until early adulthood.
  • Testosterone build-up: In adult males, a prolonger period of abstinence may cause the buildup of testosterone. Testosterone in males helps fuel libido (sex drive) which, in turn, can lead to a wet dream.
  • Stimulation of the genitals: It is possible that the rubbing of the genitals during sleep (such as with bed sheets or lying on your stomach) can cause unintended sexual stimulation. This might contribute to the likelihood of a wet dream.

The cause of nocturnal emission in females is less clear, in part because female wet dreams are harder to identify due to the lack of ejaculation. Only around 10% of females experience “female ejaculation” in which there is a spurt of clear fluid during orgasm.4

Not all males have wet dreams (or, perhaps, don’t recognize them if there is little ejaculate). With that said, famed sexologist Alfred Kinsey suggested that around 85% of males and females experience nocturnal emission at some point in life.5

These findings are supported in part by a 2020 study from the University of Health Sciences in Istanbul, Turkey in which 83% of Muslim boys reported having wet dreams.6

How to Prevent Wet Dreams

Some people believe there are a few ways to reduce how often wet dreams occur. One way is to have more sex or more frequent masturbation that ends with orgasm and ejaculation. This may relieve the need for males to ejaculate during sleep.

Reducing contact with the genitals might also be helpful. Try sleeping on your side or back instead of your stomach to see if it helps.

In the rare cases that wet dreams are troublesome, a doctor might prescribe a medication such as an antidepressant. These medicines might reduce the frequency of wet dreams, but they might also make it hard to ejaculate when you’re awake.

Summary

Wet dreams are when you ejaculate while sleeping, sometimes as a response to sexual dreams. They mostly happen to teenage boys or people going through periods of abstinence.

Wet dreams can be a healthy and normal part of sleep. Aside from the need to clean up clothing or bedding, there’s no particular problem.

A Word From Verywell

If you’re worried about your sexual function and how it impacts sleep, talk to a board-certified sleep doctor. Depending on the issue, they might consult another specialist, like a urologist or gynecologist.

Reassurance may be all that’s needed, but they may want to do more testing. This might give you peace of mind and better rest.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to use Kegels to orgasm harder, boost sensation, and increase lubrication

By Kelly Burch

  • Kegels can benefit your sex life by increasing sensation, lubrication, and the ability to orgasm.
  • They also can help strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, which helps prevent vaginal prolapse.
  • To do kegels, contract and release the muscles you use to stop the flow of urine.

If you’re looking to enhance your sex life, there may be a solution that you can do any time, anywhere: kegel exercise. Kegel exercises engage your pelvic floor muscles. They can keep you healthy and may even make your sex life more fulfilling says sexologist and sexuality educator Lawrence Siegel, who works with couples and individuals to enhance their sex lives.

While doing Kegels won’t make you a better lover, they may make it easier for people with a vagina to orgasm, Siegel says. They may help the 10%-15% of women who have never had an orgasm, and others who find it difficult to orgasm.

And it’s not just people with a vagina who can reap the benefits of Kegels — birth-assigned males can also experience heightened sexual pleasure from strengthening their pelvic floor Siegel says.

Here’s why they are beneficial and how to do them.

The benefits of Kegels for people with a vagina

Kegels have the most benefit for people with a vagina.

1. Make your pelvic floor stronger

“Kegel exercises are a simple and effective way to strengthen those pelvic floor muscles, which support the uterus, bladder, and bowel,” says Dr. Sherry Ross, an OB-GYN and author of “She-ology: The Definitive Guide to Women’s Intimate Health.”

The pelvic floor includes the levator ani, coccygeus, and pubococcygeal (PC) muscle, the ones you use to stop the flow of urine. These muscles act like a hammock or sling supporting the internal organs in the pelvis — but they often weaken with age, especially in people who have given birth vaginally.

Strengthening these muscles can help you avoid:

  • Incontinence, or the inability to hold pee or poop until you make it to the toilet.
  • Pain during sex
  • Vaginal prolapse, a condition where the vagina muscles weaken and sag into the vaginal canal.
  • Pelvic floor dysfunction, or the inability to control your pelvic floor muscles.

2. Increase sensation and lubrication

Kegels can boost blood flow to the pelvis, which increases sensation and lubrication of the vagina. Many people find that increased lubrication increases pleasure for both partners during sex.

In addition, Kegels help prevent pelvic floor dysfunction. Women with pelvic floor dysfunction often have lower sexual satisfaction, fewer orgasms, and lower libido. Researchers can’t say exactly why, but it may be because conditions like prolapse or incontinence make it difficult to get in the mood.

3. Strengthen orgasm for both partners

Learning to activate the pelvic floor muscles allows you to contract them during sex.

Squeezing your pelvic muscles in the buildup to orgasm may help you experience a more powerful sensation when you come, says Ross. During orgasm, muscles throughout the body pulse and release involuntarily. Adding to this with kegels can make the sensation more intense.

It can also boost pleasure for your partner: “When a woman does Kegels during vaginal intercourse, the pelvic floor muscles contract on the penis — enhancing his sexual experience as well,” Ross says.

4. Make pelvic exams less painful

Relaxing the muscles during a Kegel is equally important as contracting. Learning to relax can reduce your risk of pain during sex or painful pelvic exams by letting you open the vagina more fully, says Harris.

Kegel benefits for people with a penis

Keeping the pelvic floor healthy is important for people with a penis too.

Kegels can help with male incontinence. This is especially important for people who have had prostate surgery, who often experience incontinence.

Doing Kegels regularly can also improve sexual experience for people with a penis. This is because Kegels increase blood flow to the groin and penis, which can boost sensation and may help combat erectile dysfunction (ED).

Unfortunately, there’s limited research in this area. A small 2005 study found that men with ED who performed Kegels in addition to making lifestyle changes had fewer ED symptoms than a control group. A small 2020 study suggested that kegels may be helpful for ED when they’re done long term.

“While Kegel exercises are primarily associated with women, many men can get similar benefits from doing them,” Siegel says.

How to get started with doing Kegels

Before you can do Kegels, you need to understand the muscles that you’re trying to activate.

How to find your pelvic floor muscles

The easiest way to find your pelvic floor muscles is to imagine that you’re urinating. From there, try to stop the imaginatory stream by contracting your PC muscles, says Ross. This works for both males and females. Try to tighten those muscles without tightening your legs, abs, or glutes.

People with a vagina can take a more hands-on approach to feeling their pelvic floor muscles, Ross says:

  1. Insert two fingers into your vagina.
  2. Contract your PC muscles, which you would use to stop the flow of urine.
  3. As they contract, feel a light squeeze on your fingers.
  4. Relax fully, and feel the grip on your fingers loosen.

People with a penis can find their pelvic floor muscles by trying to tighten their rectum. It’s the same movement that you might use if you’re trying to hold in a fart.

How to do Kegels

Once you’ve isolated your pelvic floor muscles, the foundation of doing Kegels is the same for all genders.

Here’s how to do them.

1. Empty your bladder. As you become more accustomed to doing Kegels you’ll be able to do them anywhere, anytime, but it’s best not to do them with a full bladder since that can strain your muscles.

2. Contract your PC muscles. Hold for 3-5 seconds when you first start. Build toward the goal of holding for ten seconds.

3. Relax your muscles entirely. Keep them relaxed for the same length of time that you held them tight.

4. Repeat this 10-15 times, three times a day. “The key to Kegels is consistency and regularity, doing them several times a day,” Siegel says.

After you’ve mastered that, try flutter Kegels, Ross says. With this variation, you contract and relax the muscles quickly, rather than holding the contraction. Do this for 30 seconds.

When you’re performing Kegels, keep these tips in mind:

  • Breath normally. Don’t hold your breath.
  • Keep your abs, thighs and butt relaxed. This helps isolate the pelvic floor muscles.
  • Find a regular time to do Kegels each day, like while at stop lights or while brushing your teeth.

Insider’s takeaway

Kegel exercises teach you how to contract and relax your pelvic floor muscles. This helps you build a strong pelvic floor which can help with things like incontinence and sexual satisfaction.

Kegels are convenient because they can be done discreetly anywhere, at any time. Anyone can benefit from them, and they’re safe for everyone. The most challenging part about them is working them into your daily routine consistently.

“There are absolutely no downsides to doing Kegel exercises,” says Ross. “Once you learn how to do them correctly, Kegels should be a permanent part of your daily routine.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Now is the time to talk to your teens about birth control.

— Here’s how.

By

The Supreme Court ruling in Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization is likely to affect abortion access in roughly half the states, most of which either don’t mandate sex education or offer sex education that emphasizes abstinence, an approach that, research shows, does not encourage adolescents to delay intercourse or reduce the risks that accompany it.

But parents can and should fill the sex education gap, says Laura Widman, an associate professor of psychology at North Carolina State University.

“The Supreme Court ruling makes it more important than ever that we equip teens with all the tools they need to prevent unintended pregnancies,” said Widman, who researches adolescent sexual health. “In all states, and especially in states that are not providing comprehensive sex education in schools, parents have a critical role to play in discussing pregnancy prevention with their kids.”

She understands parents’ hesitance to talk to their kids on the important yet awkward topics of sex and birth control, however. “Oftentimes that anxiety of, ‘I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I don’t want to screw up my kid permanently’ becomes such a barrier that parents say nothing.”

We talked to Widman and others about how parents who would like their kids to use birth control when they become sexually active can best approach the topic.

Toss out any presuppositions of having “the talk” with your children. Building a relationship of openness and support about all aspects of sexuality means having many age-appropriate discussions with your kids, experts said.

“I think it’s never too early to for a parent to start talking with their kids in developmentally appropriate ways about sexual health and safety,” said Annie Hoopes, a pediatrician and adolescent medicine physician-researcher specializing in sexual and reproductive health care. “So for very young kids, it’s talking about understanding your body and who’s allowed to have access to your body and how to communicate your body’s needs.”

As kids reach puberty, she added, the conversations can get more technical and focus on issues like sexual intimacy and how to reduce the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.

Waiting for the exact right moment to bring up these issues is also a mistake. “There’s never going to be a perfect time or a right time to discuss things related to sex,” Widman said. “So just start. You can use an opportunity when you hear about something in the news, and you just sort of start and keep it short and sweet.”

Not talking to your teens can leave them with the wrong impression about where you stand, said Julie Maslowsky, a developmental psychologist and associate professor of community health sciences at the University of Illinois at Chicago. “In our research, we have seen many instances where a teen assumes their parent is opposed to them using contraception, and the parent is actually supportive but just hasn’t had conversations with their teen about it yet,” she said.

In her research involving parents of pregnant teens, “often what we hear is, ‘I was going to talk with her about birth control or we were going to go to the doctor. It was on my list,’ ” Maslowsky said. “And so I would say, ‘Do it early. Do it way before your concerns that there is an imminent risk of pregnancy or unhealthy consequences of sex.’ ”
It might take time to find a method that the adolescent is comfortable with, which is another reason to start talking early about birth control. “Giving the teen some options to start learning about and asking questions about contraception before the time that they need it can provide a really nice foundation,” Hoopes said.

Know the facts

Teen pregnancy has been trending downward since 1991; in 2021, there were 14.4 births per 1,000 females ages 15 to 19, according to provisional data. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention cites fewer teens having sex and improved usage of birth control as likely reasons for the decline but also points out that the U.S. teen pregnancy rate is among the highest in the developed world.

If your child is in high school, there is a good likelihood they are having sex. According to 2017 research from the Guttmacher Institute, 20 percent of high school freshman had had sexual intercourse, rising to 57 percent of seniors.

Parents often have the misconception that some forms of birth control are restricted by age, but Hoopes said that as long as an adolescent has had their period and is otherwise healthy, “all methods are available except sterilization, which is getting your tubes tied.” The choices basically boil down to three types, from least to most effective: barrier methods such as condoms and diaphragms; short-acting methods such as the birth control pill, vaginal ring, and skin patches or injections; and long-acting reversible contraception (LARC), such as an IUD or implant.

Many teens, however, are not using the most effective methods of birth control. According to the CDC, data collected from 2015 to 2017 about birth control methods used by sexually active females ages 15 to 19 found that 97 percent had used condoms, 65 percent had used withdrawal and 53 percent had used pills. Nineteen percent had used emergency contraception.

Many teens also are not aware of LARC options, which are expensive. But public health experts are trying to change that. A Colorado initiative to improve access to these options cut teen pregnancy and abortion rates nearly in half.

Make your support clear

>When you do talk to your kids, the main goal should be to convey that they can contact you whatever situation they are in. Hoopes suggested making the conversation “about health and safety, not about values and judgment.” A parent could say something like, “’What I want for you is to for you to achieve your personal goals, for you to complete your education or live your best adult life. And part of that is avoiding pregnancy before you’re ready for one. And I want to be a part of that conversation with you.’”

Widman suggests avoiding yes/no questions, such as “Are you being safe?” Instead, you could ask more open-ended questions, such as, “What have you heard about birth control?” or “What are you friends saying about sexual activity?”

And if you’re wondering how important your involvement is, Hoopes said research indicates that teens are more likely to access contraception and use it more consistently if they feel connected to their families.

Don’t forget your sons

Experts say you should have similar conversations about birth control options with boys as you do with girls. “Both male-identifying and female-identifying adolescents should understand biology and sex and healthy relationships and supportive relationships,” Maslowsky said. “And so, I would not have the conversations very differently. If my teen was capable of pregnancy, then I would talk with them about how to prevent pregnancy in their own body. If my teen was capable of making someone pregnant, then I would talk with them about how they can prevent that.”

Currently, the only male contraceptive option is the condom. While condoms are 98 percent effective with “perfect use” (consistently and correctly), the rate falls to 82 percent with “typical use” (what usually happens in real life). “To use a condom in a way that optimizes the effectiveness does require some education,” Hoopes said. If your teen is not receiving that education through school, you can talk to their pediatrician.

Beyond condoms, which teens of any gender should be using to prevent sexually transmitted infections, boys should understand and be involved in decisions about other forms of contraception, and support their partners, the experts said.

“I would say that pregnancy prevention is everyone’s responsibility and that I think, unfortunately, boys get left out of that conversation, not by their own fault,” Hoopes said.

Help your child consider their options

All birth control options have positives and negatives, and most come with potential side effects. “The best, most supportive thing a parent can do is provide information and provide support and help the adolescent make the decision that’s right for them,” Maslowsky said.

Health-care providers are ready to help. “We use a model called shared decision-making in contraception care,” Hoopes said, “where the patient or the patient and their parent is the expert in their own experience and their body, and the physician or the clinician is the expert in the methods and how they’re used and what the risks and side effects are. And together, in partnership, we make a decision that’s best for that patient.”

Ideally, teens will want to talk to their parents about birth control, but if not, parents can make sure adolescents have some time to talk privately with their pediatrician during their yearly checkups or help them identify other adults — such as a family friend or favorite aunt — who would support them and help them find resources.

Parents can also guide teens — and themselves — to online information from organizations such as the CDC, Planned Parenthood and the American Academy of Pediatrics. The experts also recommended several other resources: Amaze.org has a website and a YouTube channel specifically designed for adolescents by the nonprofit Advocates for Youth, which focuses on sex education. Power to Decide, a nonprofit that seeks to prevent unplanned pregnancies, has a page called Find Your Method. It also runs Bedsider.org, a site aimed at older teens and people in their 20s. The Reproductive Health Access Project has a detailed chart about birth control options.

Trust your kids

According to Maslowsky, there is a consensus in the scientific community “that teens can make decisions about their health care, about their sexual and reproductive health care, that they’re absolutely capable of weighing the pros and cons and making decisions about what’s right for them in terms of the contraception, in terms of being sexually active or not, in terms of abortion.”

Researchers also know that teens like to obtain advice on these issues from adults they are close to. “And so if a teen comes to you and asks for your help, for your opinion, that’s great,” she said. “That means that they’re exercising their ability to make these informed decisions. They’re bringing in trusted experts. And so, I would work with them on the decision. I would support them on their decision.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Does It Mean To Be Panromantic?

By Stephanie Barnes

For some people, gender plays an important role when it comes to choosing romantic partners, but this isn’t the case for people who are panromantic. Below, we dive into what it means to be panromantic, how it relates to pansexuality and other identities, and more.

What does it mean to be panromantic?

The prefix pan- in panromantic means “all,” “completely,” or “involving all.” That said, being panromantic means you experience romantic attraction or deep emotional connection, affection, or love for people of all genders. A panromantic person will typically be attracted to others regardless of sex or gender.

“Of course, this doesn’t imply that panromantic people are romantically attracted to just about everyone out there. It’s just that gender is the last thing that comes to their mind [when it comes to] whether or not they develop feelings for someone,” says Dainis Graveris, a sex educator and founder of Sexual Alpha. “No one is off the table when it comes to who they’re romantically attracted to.”

He adds that people of any gender can be panromantic, and they can be romantically attracted to cis and trans folks, as well as nonbinary, gender fluid, genderqueer, and other gender-nonconforming individuals.

Additionally, Graveris notes it’s important to differentiate between the “panromantic” and “pansexual” terms. In particular, the former is a type of romantic attraction, while the latter is a type of sexual attraction. (We’ll dive more into that later.)

Understanding the different types of attraction.

Through the lens of the Split Attraction Model, attraction comes in many forms, including sexual and romantic. By discerning among them, we can better explore, direct, and enjoy our various interactions with people, says Ley Cray, Ph.D., director of LGBTQIA+ programming at virtual mental health clinic Charlie Health.

So, what’s the difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction? Sexual attraction is perhaps the easiest to explain, says Cray: You see someone, and you experience a psychological and biological response indicating to you that you’d like to engage in sexual activity with that someone. On the other hand, romantic attraction is a little harder to explain, since the widespread notion of romance we see today is a cultural construct—and in the context of human history, a relatively recent one.

“Historically, the concept has connections to the notion of courtship and at bare minimum seems to involve some desire to connect on an emotional level, with some variety of intimacy and reciprocal commitment. Some might argue that the concept even presupposes some sense of romanticizing—that is, idealizing—the person you’re attracted to,” Cray explains.

It’s important to note that not all sexual attractions are romantic attractions and not all romantic interests are coupled with a sexual attraction.

“Some folks might identify as asexual but still experience romantic attraction to folks regardless of their gender identity,” adds sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes. “Someone who might identify as heterosexual may feel romantic attraction toward others regardless of their gender identity. Being panromantic can apply to many sexual identities.”

Signs you may be panromantic:

1. You can imagine yourself being romantically interested in someone of any gender.

You are interested in or open to love and emotional connection with people and do not experience that feeling as limited to just one or two genders. “Panromantic means that a romantic attraction/interest is possible regardless of the partner’s gender,” sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D., says. This includes trans, nonbinary, agender, and other folks across the gender spectrum, she adds.

2. You have messy or complicated feelings toward folks of varying genders.

Like with any romantic or sexual orientation, Graveris says pan feelings can be confusing—especially if you’ve grown up in a traditional binary household. And now you’re questioning yourself, perhaps because you’re noticing romantic feelings for people of more genders than you have in the past. Understand that these feelings are entirely valid. Once you start exploring your feelings, connections, and desires for people regardless of gender, you’ll likely get some clarity over the complicated feelings.

3. When you think about yourself in a long-term relationship, the person’s gender doesn’t really matter to you.

Visualizing having a long-term partnership with someone of any gender can be a good sign that you’re panromantic. That person’s gender is the least of your concerns; what matters most to you is the formed connection and feelings you have for them, Graveris says.

4. You’ve fantasized about having more than one romantic partner.

“Of course, this doesn’t apply to all panromantic folks. However, a good number of panromantics feel that dating people of different genders at the same time will make it easier for them to express their identity,” Graveris says. He emphasizes, though, that some panromantic people do choose to be in monogamous relationships, and this doesn’t mean they’re not panromantic.

5. Other labels don’t feel right.

Labels like heterosexual, bisexual, gay, or lesbian may feel too limiting or not fully accurate for you, Queen adds. Panromanticism is related to other romantic and sexual identities, but something about the label and meaning behind the word “panromantic” just speaks to you.

“Distinguishing between [panromantic and other orientations] often takes some self-scrutiny and thinking about romantic and relationship possibilities since most of us haven’t had romantic relationships with people all over the gender spectrum,” she notes but emphasizes: “Our sexual and romantic orientation isn’t only based on experience—it can be based on desire or openness to experience.”

Panromantic vs. pansexual.

While panromantic is specifically a romantic orientation, pansexual also notes a person’s sexual orientation. According to Queen, for many people, their sexual orientation and interests are the same as their romantic orientation and interests, but this isn’t always the case.

“So, these two terms define a pan- outlook both romantically (could fall in love with and/or feel romantic toward partner/s of any gender and gender identity) and sexually (could desire and/or have sex with partner/s of any gender and gender identity),” she explains, adding that “lots of pansexual people are also likely to be panromantic.”

However, she says it’s possible to be aromantic and pansexual, for example; it is possible to be panromantic and asexual; it’s possible to be pansexual and only have romantic feelings for folks of specific identities rather than feeling potentially romantic about people across the board. These two orientations—sexual and romantic—are not the same thing, and they don’t always match up.

“In thinking about how to distinguish—consider that it is possible to want sex with someone you would not feel love or a romantic vibe with, and it is possible to want the feelings of romance with someone you aren’t into sexually,” she explains. “If you find these two sexual/emotional spaces are not just activated by specific people but many/all kinds of people, you are in the ‘pan-‘ zone, but then the question is fundamentally: sexual desire, romantic connection, or possibly both?”

Dating as a panromantic.

Navigating the dating and sex game with the most ease and success as a panromantic starts by figuring out what you want and being comfortable with the label that you choose to identify with, Graveris says.

“Don’t be afraid to explore your romantic orientation and recognize your feelings. All these efforts give you a deeper understanding of your whole self,” he explains. “Also, take the time to learn about different types of attraction as well as sexuality and gender terms and labels. While it can be overwhelming initially, it’s an essential first step. The label you choose helps you not only understand your own feelings but also connect with other people who express the same feelings.”

And as with any relationship, it’s important to communicate to your partners or potential dates about exactly who you are and how you feel attraction. Communicating with your family and friends can also be helpful. For some people, it may help to “come out” as panromantic to the people you hold close and dear in your life, who can offer support as you explore your identity.

You can come out to your loved ones in many ways, depending on what feels the most comfortable for you. “Some people gather their family and friends or have one-on-one conversations to tell them they’re panromantic. Others choose to make it ‘official’ by posting about their romantic orientation on their socials. Then, you have those who casually bring up their romantic orientation while watching a movie, eating dinner, etc.,” Graveris says.

How to support panromantic people.

The key to supporting the panromantic folks in your life is good education. Graveris says taking the time and making the effort to learn about different types of attraction, terms, and labels is also a crucial first step to understanding your feelings toward panromantic people and/or other people who have a different orientation from you. It’ll also be easier for you to support these individuals who might not express the same views/feelings as you.

“Moreover, ongoing self-education on the topic can help broaden one’s understanding of the bigger community. It also helps debunk myths and assumptions that are being thrown at panromantic people day in and day out. Take, for example, the belief that panromantic people love to sleep around,” he says.

Just because pan folks are attracted to all genders doesn’t mean they love to sleep around. Whether they choose to be in a monogamous or nonmonogamous relationship, that’s all up to them. Likewise, the likelihood of someone cheating has nothing to do with one’s romantic orientation, Graveris adds.

If you’re looking for more information about romantic orientations, there are excellent sources of information to learn more from, such as the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, which is a great information source to help people understand different terms associated with romantic orientation, sexual orientation, and sexuality. There’s also GLAAD, which is considered one of the most dynamic media sources that empower the LGBTQ+ community and its acceptance.

The takeaway.

Your sexual orientation is not the same thing as your romantic orientation. If you find yourself having romantic feelings for people without even considering their gender, you might be panromantic.

It’s important to understand and explore attraction and your romantic orientation. By doing this, you’ll develop a stronger sense of self-awareness, which will ultimately help you in all of your relationships across the board.

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How to Talk to Your Child About Sex, Ages 6 to 12

By Cynthia Gorney

How do I handle the birds-and-bees speech responsibly?

Give up on the idea of presenting the subject in one big talk — you’ll overwhelm your child with more bewildering and even distasteful information than she can process at once. Instead, think of it as a gentle conversation that will take place over several months or perhaps even years. Keep your explanations as simple and specific to the discussion as you can. A 6-year-old wondering what “birth control” means is not necessarily asking you to delineate the mechanics of intercourse.

The hardest part, of course, is staying composed. Try to respond to your child’s initial question without turning red or acting as though some momentous exchange is taking place; such a response might unnerve her or suggest that sex is linked to feelings of shame. If you can remain calm and speak naturally early on, you send an important message to your child: “You don’t need to feel nervous about asking me about this. It’s something we can talk about.”

When you arrive at the point of giving a technical description of “the Act,” it may help both of you if you say something simple like, “Look, I know this sounds gross to you now, but — trust me — it will seem different when you’re older.” A straightforward and honest approach is the best way to get through this: “When a man and a woman decide they want to do this, the man’s penis goes inside the woman’s vagina, and sperm comes out of the man’s penis. Sometimes the sperm joins with one of the tiny eggs inside the woman’s body, and that makes the egg begin growing into a baby. This happens in the special place women have called a uterus.”

Once you make it through this, you should expect your child to look both dumbfounded and suspicious, especially if it dawns on her that you may have done this thing at least once. Don’t be surprised if she suddenly changes the subject, walks away, or acts as though she hasn’t heard a word you’ve said. She heard you. She just needs time to let it sink in.

When does my daughter need to learn about menstruation?

Earlier than you probably think. Girls now commonly start their periods as early as fifth grade, so even if your daughter looks as though she’s nowhere near puberty, her schoolmates’ accounts may confuse and upset her if you haven’t given her the basic information first. She needs two things from you: first, the physical details of menstruation, and second, the security that when her period does begin (or her best friend betrays her by getting her period first), she can tell you about it without having you get embarrassed or weepy on her. You might want to start this conversation off (or simply let her know that you’re willing to have it whenever she wants) with a casual question or remark: “Do you know if any of the older girls at school have started their periods yet?” Or: “You know, when I was your age, I didn’t understand about periods and I felt too embarrassed to ask anybody.”

Another useful approach for a child who’s reached the age of 10 or so is to give her a good, readable kids’ book on puberty and sexual development. Before buying, look it over yourself to make sure you like its approach. Then put the book in your child’s room, where she can look at in private, and casually tell her that you’ve left it there for her to look at if she wants to. You can be sure the book will be read, and it may ease her fears and help her feel more comfortable about talking to you about sexual issues and feelings. One excellent series is the What’s Happening to My Body? books — one for girls and one for boys — by Lynda Madaras. Another invaluable guide for girls is The Period Book (Everything You Don’t Want to Ask But Need to Know) written by Karen Gravelle in consultation with her 15-year-old niece, Jennifer. Positive and practical, it covers tampons, pads, pimples, mood swings, and all of the other things girls wonder and worry about as they learn to deal with their menstrual cycles.

When does my son need to learn about erections, ejaculation, and wet dreams?

Boys may notice the erections of other boys (even babies), wonder about their own erections and physical responses, and hear “boner” jokes or other crude references as early as first grade. So it’s a good idea to explain erections even to very young boys in a low-key way, making sure they understand that there’s nothing shameful about a natural body response that they often have no control over. This should be easier if you’ve used the correct terms for body parts from the beginning; if you haven’t, start getting your child comfortable with saying “penis” and easing him away from the euphemistic terms he’s used until now.

Boys begin to have wet dreams when they reach puberty, usually between the ages of 9 and 15. A boy’s first ejaculation may occur during a wet dream, and when he wakes up, he may not realize what happened. Thus it’s important to let your son know well before puberty that wet dreams are a normal part of growing up and nothing to be ashamed of, that he can’t control them, and that ejaculation is just a physical sign that he’s growing into manhood.

What should I say to my child about masturbation?

Talking about masturbation is embarrassing for both you and your child, but it’s important to let her know that there’s nothing shameful or abnormal about sexually stimulating herself. By this age, your child should be long past touching herself in public, but both boys and girls may continue to masturbate in private, some of them quite often. Your child may feel guilty about this unless you reassure her that it’s not only normal but healthy to have sexual feelings, and that everyone masturbates, though they may not talk about it.

How can I find out what my child is learning from friends, school, and the media?

By being as inquisitive as you can, without tipping off your child that you’re snooping — at this age, kids absolutely don’t want to feel that their parents are looking over their shoulder. At school, ask the teachers exactly what they’re teaching at each grade level. (When and how do they discuss the reproductive system, sexually transmitted diseases, sexual harassment, and so on?) If they use textbooks or handouts, read them yourself.

You probably worry about what comes at your child on the Internet, but watch her television shows, too. Pick up the magazines she’s looking at. Be aware of what registers at her eye level on magazine stands, particularly the ones that hold adults-only publications. If you can stand it, listen to your child’s favorite radio stations for a while. You’ll probably see that from school age on, kids are inundated with sexual references — most of them sniggering, disrespectful, or misleading. The more you know about what your child is seeing and hearing about sex from other sources, the better equipped you are to make sure she knows what you want to tell her.

Does my child need to know about condoms and sexually transmitted diseases before she’s reached puberty?

Unfortunately, she probably does. She’s likely to be hearing or reading references to AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases in the news and from her schoolmates; if you live in an urban area, she’ll notice all the billboards and ads on the sides of buses invoking the importance of “safe sex.” You might as well make sure she’s getting information that’s accurate and no more scary than it has to be. And answering her questions matter-of-factly is one more way of reassuring her that she can trust you to discuss sex calmly with her.

Do I have to explain oral sex to my child when she’s this young?

If she’s 6 years old, no. But by the time kids are in fifth or sixth grade, “blow job” has likely become part of their vocabulary — we can thank the latest round of popular gross-out movies for that. So you’d be wise to prepare yourself for a question or conversation about oral sex, especially since it continues to be a fascinating and perplexing subject for kids in middle and high school. It’s not too early to start talking to your child about the important connections among sex, love, and responsibility. You may want to explain that kissing another person’s private parts is another way of having sex; that even though a girl can’t get pregnant this way, it’s possible to transmit dangerous diseases through oral sex; and that oral sex, just like the other kind, entails feeling love, commitment, and regard for the person with whom it’s performed.

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8 of the best books for couples who want to strengthen their relationship

Whether you want to work on your communication skills or understand your love languages, these are the best relationship books for couples.

By Katherine Fiorillo

Romantic relationships can be a source of unparalleled joy for couples, but nearly everyone who is or has been in a relationship can attest that they’re not always easy. Between varied communication styles, different love languages, and outside stressors, any relationship is likely to face challenging moments. Many people in relationships turn to therapists to help navigate through hard times or strengthen a relationship so it will last.

Relationship therapists use all kinds of practical tools to help couples. We spoke to two — Nawal Alomari, LCPC of Noor Psychology & Wellness, and Mychelle Williams, LPC, NCC of Therapy To A Tea — to find what books they recommend most to couples in counseling.

From practical workbooks to insightful self-help books, here are the eight best relationship books for couples, according to two relationship therapists.

The 8 best relationship books for couples in 2022:

A radical relationship book about healthy communication skills

Nonviolent Communication book cover
“Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships” by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD

“This is the number one book I recommend,” says Alomari, who helps couples in any phase of a relationship, whether it’s a new relationship or marriage, a transitional period, or a couple that’s in a stable relationship and wants to continue with healthy communication.

“It teaches couples that ‘violent communication’ is communication that pushes the couple to have conflict. Using phrases like ‘you always’ or ‘you never,’ not using ‘I feel’ statements, not finding productive ways to find solutions together causes conflict in the relationship,” explains Alomari, “and this book gives really good examples of how different forms of communication can either help or hinder the relationship.”

Alomari directs couples to look at the communication examples in the book and focus on what they do individually that isn’t helping and offer solutions from the book that could. “That way, they’re taking ownership of their own role instead of pointing out what the other person is doing that’s upsetting them.”

A bestselling relationship book about the differences in how we express love

5 Love Languages cover
“The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts” by Gary Chapman

“The 5 Love Languages” is a popular self-help relationship book that outlines the five ways people give and receive love. The author demonstrates how learning to love our partner(s) in their love language can help them feel loved, whether that is through words of affirmation, acts of service, touch, quality time, or receiving gifts.

“I recommend this book because we tend to show love the way we want love,” says Alomari. “Then we can work on showing love in their partner’s love language so the effort isn’t overlooked.”

A self-help book about balancing different attachment styles

Hold Me Tight
“Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson

“Hold Me Tight” focuses on attachment-style emotion therapy and Alomari recommends it because it explains how couples can create a safe attachment in their relationship through a blend of independence and dependence that feels more secure.

“I recommend this book when there are two different levels of attachment in a relationship, such as when one person is avoidant and one person is more anxiously attached,” says Alomari. “This book can help us identify and name our attachment style and learn how to balance it out.”

A relationship workbook to complete before marriage

I Do!
“I Do!: A Marriage Workbook for Engaged Couples” by Jim Walkup LMFT

Even though this workbook was designed for engaged couples, Alomari recommends it to many couples to help get back to basics. “I give it to everybody because it talks about the most basic things in a relationship like who handles finances, how does the couple divide chores, how do you plan on sharing responsibility for the dog?”

Alomari, who’s also used this with couples who’ve been married for years, adds that “it gets into deeper topics as well such as emotional support, what does family time look like to you, and how many date nights do you want a week.”

A relationship book geared towards polyamory and consensual nonmonogamy

Polysecure
“Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy” by Jessica Fern

“Polysecure” recognizes that most studies of attachment styles focus on monogamous relationships but Jessica Fern, a polyamorous psychotherapist, extends our understanding of attachment, trauma, and emotional experiences into the world of consensual nonmonogamy.

“I recommend this book for all relationships, no matter the dynamic, because it allows us to get curious and intentional about why we are choosing the relationship style we’re choosing whether it be monogamy, ethical nonmonogamy, or anything in between,” says Williams, whose relationship counseling focuses on enhancing boundaries, understanding, connection, and intimacy for queer and trans BIPOC.

They like this book because it gives people in relationships the “opportunity to find specific language around boundaries, expectations, and influences as to why we are choosing a relationship style and how we can be ethical and responsible.”

A book for everyone to understand how their emotions impact their relationships

“Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory” by Deb Dana

Polyvagal Theory focuses on the function of our vagus nerve and its connection between emotional regulation, social connection, and our fear response in our nervous system. In “Anchored,” Deb Dana explores how we can tune into our nervous system in order to better understand and ultimately control our responses to our environment and those around us who we may be negatively affecting.

“I start all my couples work with this book because our nervous system takes in information and processes it in a way that we don’t and can’t consciously see but it affects us all day,” says Williams. “I recommend couples read this book because it gives them a chance both individually and together to recognize the condition of their nervous system. It allows them to access strategies and tools to self-soothe and regulate but also to co-regulate with each other and the community in a way that’s affirming. . . and eye-opening to ways they may have learned how to survive but have been maladapted and negatively impacting themselves and their relationship.”

A book to help couples civilly navigate breakups and divorce

“Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After” by Katherine Woodward Thomas

“Initially, people might recommend this book for relationships going through a breakup or divorce, but I recommend couples get into this book is because it allows people in a relationship a chance to think about how things they’ve gotten disconnected from, things that have changed and how it’s affected them,” says Williams.

“Conscious Uncoupling” breaks down breaking up into five steps including “Finding Emotional Freedom” and “Become a Love Alchemist.” Though it initially seems counterintuitive to the growth of a healthy relationship, Williams recommends this book because “it allows the couple to once again be curious and intentional about their personal care and individuality and also how they can be in loving and respectful relationship no matter the challenge.”

A classic, insightful book about love and relationships

“All About Love: New Visions” by bell hooks

In “All About Love”, bell hooks explores love in different facets of society and the ways we’ve entangled and divided love with other acts or feelings in a way that has caused division and suffering. Williams recommends “All About Love” because “bell hooks creates a working definition for what love is and separates it from ‘care.'”

“In my couples’ work, I’ve found that oftentimes only one person is able to connect to this book and the other is feeling defensive about what is described because it causes them to question what they’ve learned is love,” says Williams. “It creates a dynamic conversation around what love can look like and what the expectations are.”

“If a couple is struggling to process their own issues, bell hooks provides a lot of examples in this book and through those examples, they can start talking about where they stand on different topics, issues, or concerns and how those opinions are impacting the relationship.”

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A Guide to Sexual Dysfunction

Sexual dysfunction is when you have difficulty at any stage of sexual activity that prevents you, your partner, or both of you from enjoying or performing the act.

This article will define sexual dysfunction. It will also discuss the different types of sexual dysfunction, the causes, and treatments.

By Mandy Baker

What is sexual dysfunction?

Sexual dysfunction is when you have difficulty having or enjoying sexual activity, and it concerns you. It is the result of an issue within your response cycle. The sexual response cycle has various stages:

  • excitement, which includes arousal and desire
  • plateau
  • orgasm
  • resolution

Sexual dysfunction affects people of both sexes assigned at birth. It is also fairly common, affecting over 40% of females and 30% of males. While it can occur at any age, sexual dysfunction is more common among those ages 40–65 years.

Many people avoid talking with their doctor about sexual dysfunction out of embarrassment and discomfort. However, treatments are available to help the issue. If you are experiencing sexual dysfunction, contact your doctor and be open with them so they can suggest the most effective treatment for you.

What are the types of sexual dysfunction?

There are four main categories of sexual dysfunction. These categories include:

  • Desire disorders: These involve your desire and interest in sex. They are also known as low libido or libido disorders.
  • Arousal disorders: This type of disorder means it is difficult or impossible for you to become sexually aroused.
  • Orgasm disorders: These disorders involve delayed or absent orgasms.
  • Pain disorders: These disorders involve pain during intercourse.

There are various types of sexual dysfunction disorders within each category. Some are more common than others.

Hypoactive sexual desire disorder

Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) is one of the most common sexual dysfunction disorders. HSDD is sometimes a lifelong condition. It can affect anyone.

If you are experiencing HSDD, it means you have little to no sex drive and do not have much interest in sex in general. Someone with HSDD typically shows the following signs:

  • having little to no thoughts or sexual fantasies
  • having no response to sexual suggestions or signals
  • experiencing a loss of desire for sex in the middle of it
  • avoiding sex completely

Erectile dysfunction

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is when you have difficulty getting or maintaining an erection. It is the most common sexual dysfunction males visit their doctor for, affecting more than 30 million people.

It is not uncommon for most males to experience ED from time to time, especially after age 40. However, it becomes an issue when it is progressive or begins to happen more routinely.

ED can be a warning sign of cardiovascular disease. It can also cause:

  • low self-esteem
  • depression
  • distress within the individual and their partner

ED is treatable. Contact your doctor if you are experiencing ED and it is affecting your life or relationships.

Orgasm disorder

It is not uncommon for people, especially females, to have difficulty orgasming from time to time. However, it is more of an issue when:

  • you do not have orgasms
  • it takes a long time for you to orgasm
  • you do not orgasm as often as you would like
  • your orgasms are not as strong as you would like or expect
  • you feel sad, anxious, or concerned

Genital arousal disorder

Genital arousal disorder is when you have difficulty becoming or staying aroused. In females, this often means that the desire to become aroused may be there. However, your body, mind, or both do not react as expected.

These issues with arousal may come from emotional issues, behavioral issues, or an underlying medical condition. Speak with your doctor to help discover the underlying issues and get treatment.

Vulvodynia

Vulvodynia is persistent pain in the vulva that is not due to an infection or other medical condition. The pain typically lasts for at least 3 months. However, it can become a long-term issue as well.

Pain in the vulva area is the main symptom of vulvodynia. This pain may be:

  • burning, stinging, or throbbing
  • sore
  • triggered by touch
  • worse when sitting
  • constantly present in the background
  • widespread

If you are experiencing unexplained pain, contact your doctor.

Premature ejaculation

Premature ejaculation is when you ejaculate sooner than you would like or expect during sexual activity. In the United States, 1 in 3 males between the ages 18–59 experience premature ejaculation.

Premature ejaculation is not always a cause for worry. However, if it is happening routinely, is causing issues in your relationship, or concerns you, contact your doctor.

What are the symptoms of sexual dysfunction?

The symptoms of sexual dysfunction vary depending on the person and the cause of the dysfunction. Some common symptoms do occur, however.

Signs in both males and females

Both males and females may experience:

  • difficulty becoming aroused
  • a lack of sexual desire
  • pain during intercourse

Signs in males

Males with sexual dysfunction may experience:

  • inability to achieve or maintain an erection
  • delayed or absent ejaculation
  • premature ejaculation

Signs in females

Females may experience:

  • vaginal dryness
  • inability to achieve orgasm
  • pain that may be due to vaginal spasm or inflammation of the vulva

  • What causes sexual dysfunction?

    Many possible issues can contribute to the development of sexual dysfunction. These include:

    How do you treat sexual dysfunction?

    Treatment for sexual dysfunction mostly depends on its type and cause. Speak with your doctor to diagnose the underlying cause and find the most effective treatment for you.

    Treatments for sexual dysfunction include:

    • Medication: Medications to treat underlying medical conditions can help sexual dysfunction as well. Certain medications, such as viagra or hormone replacements, may also help. The effectiveness of certain medications depends on the cause.
    • Mechanical aids: Vacuum devices, penis pumps, and penile implants are all possible options if you have trouble achieving or maintaining an erection. For females who experience muscle tightening or spasms, special dilators may help.
    • Therapy: Both psychotherapy and sex therapy can help treat the psychological causes of sexual dysfunction.

    Self-help tips for sexual dysfunction

    Ways you can help yourself with sexual dysfunction include:

    • being open with your partner
    • masturbating
    • limiting your use of alcohol or drugs
    • stopping smoking
    • using lubricants
    • exploring using sex toys
    • limiting your stress
    • exercising regularly
    • practicing kegel exercises

    Summary

    Sexual dysfunction is not uncommon. Both males and females experience it. Many find it embarrassing and uncomfortable to talk about.

    However, many issues that cause sexual dysfunction are treatable. Therefore, speaking with your doctor can help. Being open with your partner about the issues can help your sexual dysfunction and your relationship.

    Sexual dysfunction may be a sign of an underlying medical condition. Contact your doctor if you are experiencing signs of sexual dysfunction and it is causing you concern or affecting your relationships.

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6 things sex educators want you to know about a post-Roe America

Quality sex education will be more important than ever. But it too faces challenges.

Employees and volunteers dismantle exhibits at the Robert Crown Center for Health Education in Hinsdale, Illinois, in January 2018, as it converted to a mobile model to travel to schools to provide sex education.

By Keren Landman

On Friday, the US Supreme Court struck down Roe v. Wade, the legal decision that has for decades granted Americans the right to an abortion.

For young people, the prospect of dramatically reduced access to abortion creates enormous uncertainty — not only about their options in the event of an unplanned pregnancy, but because the political movement that brought us the end of Roe is also seeking, in many cases, to limit quality sex education overall.

I reached out to three sex educators to hear what they want all of us — not just young people — to remember as we head into a post-Roe future. Their responses fell into two categories: concerns about the overlap between the political movements to restrict abortion and sexual literacy, and advice for people who think they might one day need an abortion.

Here’s what they said.

Sex education is a target of the same politics that threatens abortion access

First, let’s be clear that what we mean when we talk about comprehensive sex education is sex ed that hinges on a deep understanding of physical and sexual autonomy. This type of sex ed helps prevent teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, in contrast with the abstinence-focused “sexual risk avoidance” programs that do not. The educators I spoke with are all proponents and teachers of comprehensive sex education.

Many of the educators I spoke with see the assault on abortion access as part of a much broader, long-term strategy geared toward consolidating white male power. That strategy also includes anti-trans legislation, book bans, and efforts to do away with medically accurate sex education, said Michelle Slaybaugh, a former school sex educator who directs social impact and communications at SIECUS, a nonprofit comprehensive sex ed advocacy organization.

All of those movements have something in common, said Slaybaugh: “It’s about controlling women’s bodies,” she said. “When you don’t know about your body, you cannot make decisions that will allow you opportunities to advance.”

Opponents of a proposal to make changes to the sex education guidance for teachers in California rally at the state capitol in Sacramento in May 2019. The California State Board of Education was voting on new, non-mandatory guidance for teaching sex education in public schools, which would give teachers ideas about how to teach a wide range of health topics including speaking to children about gender identity.

In contrast to “sexual risk avoidance” education, which focuses on sexual abstinence as prevention, comprehensive sex education is medically accurate, inclusive of diverse sexual orientations and gender identities, and focused on giving learners a sense of autonomy — that their bodies and behaviors are under their control. While the more comprehensive approach is proven to reduce teen pregnancy, it isn’t a requirement in most states. (According to SIECUS, only 11 states mandate school-based sex education and require that it be medically accurate when taught. That said, there are a lot of ways sex ed can be categorized — see this chart — and overall, the sex education picture in the US is an inconsistent patchwork.)

>Where good sex education does exist, it often faces attacks. In 2021, state legislators across the US proposed 23 bills seeking to restrict sex education, by requiring an emphasis on abstinence-only programming, making the content “opt-in,” or in other ways. The political reality is that political movements that denounce abortion also denounce comprehensive sex ed: States that restrict comprehensive sex ed are more likely to also restrict abortion.

High-quality sex ed is still extremely popular among teachers, students, and parents

Although some conservative lawmakers are working hard to get abstinence-only messaging into school health classes, they may be out of step with even conservative voters in right-leaning states, who have historically favored comprehensive, medically accurate sex education.

In a 2018 survey from the Public Religion Research Institute, more than half of Republicans surveyed agreed that comprehensive sex education is more effective than abstinence-focused education at lowering youth rates of unintended pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. Two separate polls conducted in 2013 showed that 90 percent of residents in deeply red South Carolina supported comprehensive sex education, and in North Carolina, 72 percent of parents favored teaching students about birth control. The pattern has repeated itself in other broadly conservative states.

More recently, a boom in state legislation has given parents and other community members the power to censor the educational content that schools provide on the basis of ideological objections. Many of these bills have already led schools to avoid teaching age-appropriate content on LGBTQ sexuality, a cornerstone of comprehensive sex ed.

Posters are displayed in the classroom of a high school in North Hills, California, in May 2018.

But on these bills, too, right-leaning elected officials may be more conservative than their own constituents. Nationally, parents — even conservative ones — are split on support for this kind of legislation: In a recent Morning Consult poll of parents, one-quarter of Republicans supported teaching about sexual orientation and gender identity. Meanwhile, 58 percent of Democrats and 38 percent of independents favored teaching on these issues in schools.

If parents want to see their children get medically accurate sex ed in school, “it’s now time for them to move their feet,” said Slaybaugh. “Go to the board meeting, voice your opinion, advocate.”

Sex ed will be more important than ever after Roe

The educators we spoke with agreed that as restrictions on abortion access increase, enabling young people to prevent unwanted pregnancies will become even more important.

In places where public schools provide comprehensive sex education, teen pregnancy rates are significantly lower than in places where they don’t. And while after-school programs may fill some of the gaps in districts where public schools are restricted from providing comprehensive sex education, these programs generally require students and parents to opt in. That raises the possibility that the lowest-income kids — who arguably benefit most from in-school programming — will get left out.

TikTok is also filling in some gaps: Although internet sex ed sources can be rife with misinformation, a growing number of sex educators and health care providers are distributing medically accurate and inclusive sex ed content to large audiences on several social platforms. For example, the account of OB-GYN Jennifer Lincoln, which recently featured a sentient uterus begging to be spared something called “herbal rejuvenation pearls,” has 2.8 million followers.

In the long term, broader access to high-quality sex education is what young people need to make the best decisions for their health and their future. However, the quality and content of sex education isn’t held to a national standard.

As much as sex education has suffered already, Julia Feldman-DeCoudreaux, an Oakland, California-based school sex educator, fears that it will suffer even more now that anti-abortion activists are seeing wins. That would leave a lot of young people with big deficits in pregnancy prevention skills — and without access to resources for dealing with the consequences of those deficits, she said. “If that happens, we’re going to have a catastrophic situation.”

It’s about to be particularly important to avoid unwanted pregnancy — and to act on it quickly

As abortion access becomes more restricted, preventing unwanted pregnancy becomes particularly important, said the educators.

That’s why Hanne Blank Boyd, a women’s and gender studies professor at Denison University in Granville, Ohio, has her students make a list of ways to have sex that can’t get you pregnant. These discussions start out awkward, she said, but it’s worth it to ensure “their definition of what sex is is expansive enough that they know that they have sexual options that are not potentially procreative.”

Feldman-DeCoudreaux said she’ll be encouraging people to use long-acting reversible methods of contraception like IUDs and implantable contraception. “The failure rate is a lot lower than just things like condoms,” she said.

Although it’s impossible for people to predict how they’ll feel in the event of an unplanned pregnancy, it may become particularly helpful to think through the logistics of obtaining an abortion in advance of needing one.

If contraception does fail or isn’t used, Feldman-DeCoudreaux also expects availability for abortion appointments will tighten as the number of providers falls. She therefore plans to advise people to make plans for an abortion faster than they might have previously. “The windows of opportunity for unmedicated abortions or surgical abortions are going to be a little bit pushed up,” she said, “because of a congested system.”

She also tells her students to think about their access to a working car and their networks of friends and family members in places where abortion will remain accessible.

The farther people have to travel to get abortion care, the less likely they are to receive it, Boyd said. “This is the time to start thinking about the practicalities.”

Legal abortions rarely require clinic visits and are safer than pregnancy and giving birth

These days, most abortions happen in the comfort of a person’s home — something many young people don’t realize, said Feldman-DeCoudreaux. “In their minds, it involves going into a clinic, and it involves your legs in the stirrups, and involves something maybe painful or gruesome,” she said.

The concept of abortion as something invasive and expensive is not only scary and alienating but also inaccurate.

Doses of mifepristone, the abortion pill, and misoprostol, which is taken the day after to cause cramping and bleeding to empty the uterus, are pictured at Women’s Reproductive Clinic in Santa Teresa, New Mexico, in May. The clinic has been a provider of abortion pills to mostly women from Texas, where abortion was made largely illegal by Texas Senate Bill 8.

In reality, medication abortions account for more than half of all US abortions, and that number is on the rise. These kinds of abortions involve taking medicines that induce the body to pass the pregnancy similar to the way it would pass a very heavy period. If those pills are provided by mail or at a pharmacy after a telehealth visit, they allow the people using them to make an end run around the travel, cost, and potential for harassment of a visit to an abortion clinic.

It’s important to shift the narrative about what an abortion looks like, said Feldman-DeCoudreaux. “In talking with students, that’s also really comforting information for them,” she said.

Preconceptions involving stirrups and pain make legal abortion seem unsafe, when it is in fact far safer than carrying and delivering a pregnancy, especially for Americans. In the US, 17 birthing parents die for every 100,000 babies born — more than twice as many as in other high-income countries. Meanwhile, legal abortions, including medication abortions, are extremely safe, with only 0.4 deaths for every 100,000 abortions performed between 2013 and 2018.

Don’t think of abortion restrictions as the norm

“Roe might be ending, but abortion in America is not.” That’s the mantra Feldman-DeCoudreaux has been repeating to herself lately.

Thirteen states have trigger laws designed to ban abortions entirely in the event of a decision to overturn Roe. But other states are moving to expand abortion access to accommodate the anticipated rise in demand, and public opinion still broadly supports the right to abortion access.

Boyd says it’s important for her students to understand that rights are not the same things as laws. That is, regulating abortion isn’t what determines whether you have an innate right to decide on your own terms to continue or end a pregnancy.

She also reminds her students that abortion was not always illegal or even controversial in the US, and that other religions and countries regulate abortion very differently than the US does. It’s all part of helping them understand how the fight over abortion fits into our particular place and time, she said: “Don’t ever assume that the way it is in this moment is the way it has to be.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘Parental rights’ lobby puts trans and queer kids at risk

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The political right’s current strategy for fighting against LGBTQ+ equality is to frame discussions about sexuality and gender in school as an infringement on parents’ rights.

In 2020, far-right Australian MP Mark Latham introduced a “Parental Rights” bill. The bill would have prohibited teachers from addressing any topic that veered close to “core values” without parental consent — including LGBTQ+ gender and sexuality.

While psychology experts concerned with well-being and the New South Wales Government have now rejected the bill, the focus on parental rights isn’t limited to Australia.

Parents, as a group, represent diverse concerns. The group includes LGBTQ+ parents, parents of queer and trans children and young people, pregnant and parenting teens and politically progressive activist parents — and all of the above have diverse educational, religious, economic, racialized and political experiences. However, the conservative description of parents often neglects this reality.

Two fathers seen with their daughter on a couch.
LGBTQ+ parents are somehow left out of parent rights’ lobbying.

Rise of ‘parental rights’ campaigns

In the United States, the now infamous parental rights law in Florida, widely known as “Don’t say Gay,” restricts conversations about sexuality and gender in primary school.

And in 2015, conservatives framed a controversy about a new, progressive sex education curriculum in Ontario, Canada, as an attack on parents’ rights.

In this conflict over gender, sexuality and schooling, conservatives invoke parental rights, and implicitly position these as superseding young people’s right to access information about their health and well-being.

As American journalist Judith Levine argues, the elevation of parents’ rights can be tied to U.S. Reagan-era policies. These policies sought to salvage the nuclear family, in part by attacking public education and the expansion of rights for sexual and gender minorities.

The 2021 foreword to Lantham’s proposed bill, when it was sent to committee for review and inquiry, articulated the view that a “positive view of family life is under challenge”, due to school-based discussions of gender and sexuality.

A sign at a rally with a rainbow is seen that says some parents are their child's first bully.
For queer and trans teens, positive family life needs to reject homophobia and transphobia.

Problems with ‘health outcomes’ approach

In a broader context of controversies over sexuality and gender in schools, some policymakers focus on the important health outcomes for young people who have comprehensive, medically accurate information about sexuality and gender.

Sociologists Steven Epstein and Laura Mamo call this approach “healthism”. They argue the language of health contains or cancels “the stigma that so often adheres to sexuality and extinguish[es] the flames of political and moral controversy”.

But the work of queer theorists like Eve Sedgwick reveal problems with “healthist” approaches to sex education in schools. Sedgwick’s warning from 1993 remains eerily prescient:

“[…] this society wants its children to know nothing; it wants its queer [and trans] children to conform (and this is not a figure of speech) or die; and wants not to know that it is getting what it wants.”

Sedgwick warns it would be naive to believe that there is broad support for protecting the health and well-being of young people when their needs and questions challenge dominant modern norms and values embedded in our institutions.

Recent conversations about trans youth’s access to health care that would support and affirm their gender expose the ways health-care systems — despite their supposed neutrality — are shaped by transphobia.

Trans historian Jules Gill-Peterson writes about how “the foundation of the transgender healthcare we inherit today was deliberately designed to stop trans people from transitioning in most cases”.

Trans youth framed as threat

Conservative parents and politicians who invoke parental rights are not persuaded by arguments that access to information and support is necessary for young people’s health and well-being.

A sign at a rally seen that says transgender chlidren are not political pawns.
Right-wing advocacy has framed trans youth as as a threat to their straight and cisgender peers.

In their view, young people aren’t being educated, they are being “groomed” and conversations about gender identity and sexuality are themselves abusive.

LGBTQ+ youth, and trans youth in particular, perversely become framed as a threat to their straight and cisgender peers.

Conservatives insist that knowledge about diverse genders and sexualities introduce faddish ideas about gender and sexuality that contaminate the innocence of their children.

This logic reaches its dangerous conclusion in laws that would restrict trans youth from accessing health care that affirms their gender. In Texas, the state has been investigating parents who secure gender-affirming health care for their children as potential child abusers. This legal sanctioning of transphobia denies trans existence and sanctions discrimination and violence that can have lethal consequences for trans people.

Rethinking parental rights

Shouldn’t “parental rights” extend to the parents of trans and non-binary young people and their responsibility to protect their children’s health and well-being? Shouldn’t trans and queer parents also expect schools to provide safe learning environments for their children?

Australian research has shown the vast majority of parents support explicit teaching and learning about gender and sexuality diversity. With a sample of more than 2000 parents across Australian government (public) schools, more than 80% of respondents indicated they supported gender and sexuality diversity inclusion as part of the relationships and sexual health curriculum from kindergarten through to year 12. In Canada as well, there is widespread and well-established support from parents for LGBTQ+ inclusion in schools and sex education.

This isn’t to suggest that there aren’t debates about the nature and scope of LGBTQ+ inclusion in schools. Both these aforementioned Australian and Canadian studies point to differences based on region, topics addressed and grade level.

However, the parents represented in these studies are more diverse and less conservative than right-wing advocates of parental rights. Parents who want to see LGBTQ+ students, teachers and families supported and affirmed in schools need to speak up against right-wing framings of parental rights.

We can start by recognizing and supporting the parental rights of parents who are doing their best to love and support their trans and queer children in a hostile political climate.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How music fuelled the sexual revolution

The wildly romantic love affair of Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin

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The sexual revolution of the 1960s was founded upon a simple but radical idea: women had the same sexual appetites as men. Following the publication of Alfred C. Kinsey’s landmark study, Sexual Behaviour In The Human Female, feminist thinkers began arguing that single women should have the same sexual freedoms as men, opening the doors to the possibility that homosexuals and transexuals should be afforded the same sexual rights as everyone else in society.

By the end of the 1960s, the frequency of premarital sex in America had doubled by over 20% since World War I. By the 1970s, less than half of people were virgins by the time they were married. Indeed, conventions like marriage became increasingly unpopular and were looked upon as anachronisms. On both the college campus and in the community, alternatives to marriage like cohabitation were becoming normalised. For feminists, these were the first steps in the fight for sexual empowerment. For the establishment, this increase in promiscuity represented the destruction of long-held values, sparking much moral panic. The Pill, which had been introduced in 1950 and allowed women greater contraceptive control, quickly became a go-to scapegoat. But there was another important influence on the change in sexual attitudes following the Second World War: pop music.

In the 1950s, the dancefloor became one of the few places where sexual desire could be expressed freely. This shouldn’t come as much of a surprise; ‘rock ‘n’ roll’ was originally a slang term for sex, after all. In the early years of the ’50s, dances were still fairly straight-laced affairs. Elvis helped change all that by making his sexual theatricality an essential part of his act. It’s possible that he was building on something he’d learnt from watching Gospel music performances. According to Jon Stratton, Gospel had long been founded on expressions of divine ecstasy. In Coming to the fore, he suggests that artists like Elvis, who grew up listening to gospel, may have picked up on this and simply reinterpreted these vocal and physical representations of religious ecstasy (the groaning, the chaotic dancing) to convey carnal ecstasy instead.

The King’s hip-thrusting caused quite the stir when he appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show in 1956. While the young woman in the audience couldn’t have been more pleased, critics for The New York Herald Tribune saw fit to label his performance “untalented and vulgar”. Indeed, CBS found Elvis’ dancing so controversial that they ordered he be filmed from the waist up should he be invited back. Frank Sinatra, the embodiment of middle American taste at the time, was also worried about the influence rock ‘n’ roll music was having on the young and innocent. “His kind of music is deplorable, a rancid smelling aphrodisiac,” Sinatra said of Elvis’ performance. “It fosters almost totally negative and destructive reactions in young people.”

But the revolution was already underway. By 1964, Beatlemania was in full swing. As Barbara Ehrenreich, Elizabeth Hess, and Gloria Jacobs observe in Beatlemania: Girls Just Want To Have Fun, “Beatlemania was the first mass outburst of the ’60s to feature girls, who would not reach adulthood until the ’70s. In its intensity, as well as its scale, Beatlemania surpassed all previous outbreaks of star-centred hysteria. For those who participated in Beatlemania, sex was an obvious part of the excitement. The Beatles were sexy; the girls were the ones who received them as sexy.” In other words, Beatlemania reversed the traditional gender roles, allowing women to take on the role of the pursuer.

This change is reflected in the music – and especially the lyrics – of the countercultural era. In a study of 13 rock hits released between 1968 and 1972, nine were initiated by men and four were initiated by women. However, in the period 1973-1977, the report finds that “females became more aggressive, 26 times compared to the male 22.” Like The Beatles, whose tracks were often devoid of gender specifications (“Help, I need somebody“), these songs seem to have offered a vision of sexuality as opposed to the idea that women were disinterested in sex. That’s not to say that male musicians always viewed female sexuality in a positive light. Indeed, a paradox of the sexual revolution is that women were simultaneously encouraged and punished for engaging in sexual activity. But they did normalise the idea of women having the same sexual appetites as men.

One of the most controversial celebrations of female sexuality is Serge Gainsbourg and Jane Birkin’s ‘Je t’aime … moi non plus’. Released in 1969, the Gainsbourg-penned track was originally recorded with Brigitte Bardot, who later ordered the masters be destroyed out of fear for her reputation. When the French press managed to get hold of the original tape, they reported that it was an “audio vérité”, a recording of Gainsbourg and his amour on the cusp of orgasm. “The groans, sighs, and Bardot’s little cries of pleasure [give] the impression you’re listening to two people making love,” France Dimanche wrote.

This is where the relationship between music and the sexual revolution becomes a little bit more complicated. In the case of Je t’aime … moi non plus’, it’s hard to tell if it’s music fuelling the sexual revolution or the other way around. The controversy surrounding the track saw it banned in numerous countries throughout Europe, although it still became a hit in the UK. Gainsbourg was a notorious button-pusher, but one wonders if his attempt to set the female orgasm to music was also an attempt to boost his profile. Similarly, there’s nothing to say that Elvis’s sexually-charged moves weren’t simply a response to the prevailing mood of the day. Sex sells, as they say, and Presley may have understood this very well. Either way, one thing remains clear: music provided space for the sexual evolution to play out.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is bondage sex?

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By now, it’s likely you have heard the term ‘bondage sex.’

Maybe it was in general conversation, on the radio, in an article or quite possibly in an episode of Love Island.

However, you may be unfamiliar with what bondage sex entails. There are are many questions that surround the act and, very often, people can be wary and hesitant about even broaching the topic.

So how do you engage in it and what exactly do you do?

Well, bondage sex refers to a form of sex play that involves consensually tying or restraining a partner in a sex position to give or receive sexual pleasure.

It represents the ‘B’ in BDSM which comprises three separate yet combinable elements: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism.

Sometimes, it is referred to as a sexual ‘kink’ as many believe it to be an activity outside of social norms.

However, as seen by the popularity of the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise which portrays sadomasochistic relationships, it is a desired practice.

Different forms

According to sex expert Ness Cooper, it comes in many different forms.

‘Bondage sex is where one individual has control over their partner, often in the form of tying them up or restraining them,’ she explains.

‘There are some individuals who enjoy restraining their partner in consensual psychological ways, but for many it is a physical erotic act involving methods of restraint such as rope, cuffs, or even pallet/shrink wrap.

‘One example of bondage includes shibari, which is a form where a partner is restrained with rope. It’s not always erotic as some consider it as an art form due to how complicated rope work can be.

‘When performing rope bondage in an erotic setting some enjoy the ritualistic feeling it offers to their play as they carefully twine rope around the body.’

She continues: ‘Another form is using cuffs. This is a fun way to explore bondage and allows for a quick way of restraining a partner. Some also like to add in role play to their cuff session and play out certain roles to add extra excitement, like pretending to be a police officer.

‘Meanwhile, mummification is an erotic form of play where an individual is tightly confined in shrink wrap. The individual being wrapped likes the idea that they can’t escape and that that they are helpless when presented to the other individual involved.’

Sensations

Ness notes that individuals enjoy both the physical and psychological side of bondage, with many choosing it for the added sensations it can create.

‘Some individuals who are neurodivergent particularly enjoy bondage due to the sensory stimulation it can provide,’ she adds.

Understandably, bondage comes with some preconceived notions as it can be difficult to understand at first. Yet, Ness says it’s time for the stigma to go.

‘Bondage can be stigmatised by society as it’s not seen as “vanilla,”‘ she explains. ‘But there are many reasons why a person may want to explore bondage, and as long as it’s consensual, it’s perfectly normal.

‘We can often judge those who enjoy sexual acts that go against our social norm.’

If you wish to try bondage but don’t know how to broach it with a partner, Ness has some valuable advice.

How to try it

Communicate with a partner

‘There are many sex board games that offer you the opportunity to talk about and explore different forms of bondage,’ she advises.

‘These can be a great way to try things out with a partner when you’re struggling to find the words to ask them to explore it.

‘Shop online together looking at sex toys and talk about the reasons why something appeals to you. This gives you both a chance to reveal intimate curiosities.

‘Discuss what porn you’ve watched, and if you feel comfortable, even ask them to watch a piece of bondage porn with you. Afterwards make sure you talk about it together and allow your partner time to reflect on their feelings about it.’

Set boundaries

Finally, if you and your partner do make the decision to try bondage sex, Ness says talking about personal thresholds is crucial.

‘When exploring bondage, it’s important to make sure you and your partner discuss boundaries and give each other an idea on how far you’d be like to take things,’ she says.

‘Adding in safe words is a brilliant way to let each other know when either of you have reached your limit.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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All About Arousal

By Eleanor Hadley

Do you ever feel like you and your partner are on totally different wavelengths when it comes to sex? Hands up who can relate to this? You get home, see your girlfriend curled up on the couch. You feel horny, so you go over and start laying on the moves. But she’s not up for it and shuts you down. Again. You feel rejected and sexually frustrated. Why doesn’t she want sex?

What if I told you that the issue isn’t necessarily that she doesn’t want sex at all, or that she isn’t into you anymore. But instead, it’s all about context. A fundamental mismatch in libido is really common in relationships where one partner seems to always be horny at the drop of a hat, but the other doesn’t feel that same pull. There are a lot of factors that can impact our level of arousal and our desire for sex, and most of them fall into whether we are actively turned on or turned off.

In my work with women, some of the biggest concerns they come to me with is a lack of desire, connection to their pleasure, struggles with sex drive and mismatched libido with their partners. This all gets exacerbated of course if their male partner is pressuring them in any way, or making them feel like there’s something inherently wrong with them. They tell me they feel like they’re “broken”, that they need fixing or that there’s something wrong with them if they no longer feel like sex as much as they once did.

Understanding Arousal: The Car Analogy

Let’s think of our libido, our ‘sex drive’ like a car. We need a good balance between using the brakes and the accelerator, and it all depends on the situation as to which we need. Now, if we have our foot slammed on the brakes, no matter how much you rev the engine, the car won’t move, right? Similarly, the car won’t move by simply taking our foot off the brake without pressing down the accelerator. The same goes for arousal. In order for us to feel ready and excited for sex, we need to first take our foot off the brake, and then accelerate. Essentially, we need to turn off the things that turn us off and turn on the turn-ons.

Sounds simple right? Well, everyone’s brakes (what turns them off) and accelerators (what turns them on) are different. Not only do we all have unique and individual turn-ons and turn-offs, but the sensitivity of our brakes and accelerators will vary widely between people too. To have the best, most nourishing and pleasurable sex we can have, what we want to do is activate our accelerator AND deactivate our brakes. Let’s explore the difference between the two sexual arousal systems.

The Accelerator

The Sexual Excitation System (SES) is your sexual accelerator or your turn-ons. It’s in constant pursuit of pleasure, working below the level of consciousness and scanning the environment for sexually relevant stimuli. It looks for things in your sensory world – what you can see, smell, taste, touch, hear – and sends a message to your brain (and sometimes your genitals) to turn on.

Possible turn-ons could be things like:

  • Mood lighting
  • Seeing a partner’s naked body
  • Feeling desired by their partner (without pressure)
  • The smell of your lover’s fragrance
  • Sexy music
  • Seeing your lover in their element
  • Certain types of touch (sexual and non-sexual)
  • Eye contact
  • Deep conversation
  • Sex Toys
  • Imagined scenarios

The Brakes

The Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) is your sexual brake, or your turn-offs. This system is perpetually scanning your environment for possible threats and reasons not to be aroused because nobody wants a random boner at a family dinner, right? This system is incredibly important in our everyday life, but if our brakes are highly sensitive then they can hinder our sexual experience. This is why we want to do what we can to take our foot off the brakes when it comes time to get down. Our SIS can be split into two categories, internal and external.

Internal:

  • Body image insecurities
  • Performance anxiety
  • ‘Meaning’ (eg: are we dating?)
  • Being up in your head
  • Feeling distracted or rushed
  • Feelings toward the person
  • Not feeling seen or appreciated
  • Social consequences

External:

  • Harsh lighting
  • Fear of being caught
  • Concern around lack of protection/catching an STI
  • Fear of unwanted pregnancy
  • Temperature in the room
  • Messy environment
  • Safety in general (physical AND emotional)
  • Inappropriate context (eg a family dinner)

So, to be in a state of arousal is essentially to be able to turn on the ONs, and turn off the OFFs. But of course, whether you’re turned on or off will depend largely on the context. Everyone’s accelerators and brakes are different and have different levels of sensitivity, but these lists might give you more of an understanding of what your own turn-ons and turn-offs are so that you can share them with your partner. And similarly, discover what theirs may be.

So, the next time you’re wanting to get it on with your lover – pause and consider what you each might need in order to release the brakes and rev the engine. Enjoy!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This book aims to make sex-ed for kids and teens a little more colourful and a little less awkward

‘You Know, Sex’ takes a welcoming approach that supports both young readers and their parents

Crop of Cory Silverberg and Fiona Smyth’s “You Know, Sex: Bodies, Gender, Puberty, and Other Things”

By Shailee Koranne

Most of us don’t look back on sex-ed fondly; my own memories of it are wrapped up in awkward health class lessons and uneasy conversations at home. But sexual education doesn’t have to be unpleasant. It can be funny without making you feel like the butt of the joke, and it can be informative without talking down to you. Cory Silverberg and Fiona Smyth’s latest sex-ed book You Know, Sex: Gender, Puberty, and Other Things sets a welcoming tone immediately, quoting disability justice organizer and artist Patty Berne in a letter to the reader: “There is no right or wrong way to have a body.”

Sex-ed, especially right now, is rife with conflict between disagreeing parents and policymakers — but it’s kids and teens who bear the consequences of inadequate sexual education. Detractors of a comprehensive sex-ed curriculum say that it confuses kids and encourages sexual risk-taking behaviour. In reality, sex-ed empowers young people and reduces risk-taking by increasing knowledge about safer sex and sexual health.

This is where You Know, Sex comes in. It’s the third instalment in a trilogy of sex-ed books for kids and teens written by Silverberg and illustrated by Smyth, following the acclaimed titles What Makes a Baby? and Sex is a Funny Word. You Know, Sex immerses the reader in the lives of four young characters named Mimi, Omar, Cooper, and Zai, who represent different ethnicities, genders, sexualities, and abilities. Gender, consent, reproduction, relationships, and safety are among the wide range of topics covered in a way that’s accessible to young audiences.

Cory Silverberg and Fiona Smyth’s “You Know, Sex: Bodies, Gender, Puberty, and Other Things.”

Silverberg, who grew up in Toronto, wanted You Know, Sex to be inclusive of many different experiences. “My life is full of people exactly like Mimi, Omar, Cooper, and Zai, and they’re a part of my community,” they say. “We wanted [the book] to feel like real life. We wanted people to recognize themselves in all aspects of the book.” 

Fiona Smyth’s vivid illustrations of the well-rounded cast of characters lend an exciting and imaginative feeling to topics that are usually handled clumsily. Our recollection of sex-ed may conjure up memories of graphic images whose purpose was to shock us, but Smyth’s bold use of colour and whimsical, yet detailed, drawings of people and bodies makes the book approachable. 

Adolescence is a crucial age, something that everyone implicitly knows because we all harbour a bit of tenderness over our teenage selves. It’s when the topic of sex suddenly becomes omnipresent: we start noticing changes in our and others’ bodies that we don’t understand, and we begin to feel unfamiliar emotions and desires that might scare, excite, or overwhelm us. Recess-time gossip would have us nodding like we understood what everyone was talking about, even if we had no idea. While the topic was inescapable, having real conversations about sex still felt out-of-bounds, even shameful — everything is embarrassing when you’re young.

Cory Silverberg and Fiona Smyth’s “You Know, Sex: Bodies, Gender, Puberty, and Other Things” pg. 44.

You Know, Sex confronts those feelings of awkwardness and shame head-on and deals with them through care, playfulness, and approachable language. Take, for example, the section under the chapter “Bodies” that explains genitalia. Silverberg uses “middle parts” to subvert the euphemistic term “private parts” that is often used to describe genitalia, and lightly explains that “every part of our body could be private, not just the parts that other people think are for sex.” In the same section, the four main characters sing a funny song about middle parts, and Smyth’s brilliant illustrations accompany functional explanations of penises and vaginas.

Best of all, You Know, Sex asks as many questions as it answers. Arguments against sex-ed claim that sexual education “indoctrinates” children by telling them what to believe; this is particularly untrue about this book. Instead of telling its readers how they should feel about something, it offers explanations on a given topic, then leaves it up to the reader to decide how to react. For instance, following a short overview about peer pressure (which the book is sure to mention can also come from adults in kids’ lives), it asks several questions for the reader to contemplate further, like, “Can you think of a time when your yes or no was respected and listened to?” 

“Kids have the capacity to think critically at every age,” says Silverberg. “Our books are about supporting kids to learn on their own terms.”

Cory Silverberg and Fiona Smyth’s “You Know, Sex: Bodies, Gender, Puberty, and Other Things” pg. 44.

It can be deeply affirming, even as an adult, to read a book like You Know, Sex that talks about tender topics with you in mind — something Silverberg’s readers have confirmed. The GoodReads page for Sex is a Funny Word, which precedes You Know, Sex, is full of stories from readers who wished they had access to the book when they were younger. One reader wrote, “My heart broke a little realizing how different things could have been had I had this in my arsenal as a pre-teen.”

Modernized sexual education is crucial for the wellbeing and safety of children and people everywhere, something that research has proven time and time again. Children and young people who receive sex-ed go on to use contraception at higher rates and have fewer unplanned pregnancies. There is also a direct link between sexual education and people feeling an increase in their own autonomy and confidence. “Information is prevention. Information is a way to protect kids,” Silverberg explained in an interview about You Know, Sex on The Social.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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11 Signs You May Be Bisexual & Common Myths About Bisexuality

By Stephanie Barnes

The word “bisexual,” for many, still exclusively brings to mind a person attracted to both men and women. That was the dictionary definition for decades, but as public discourse has evolved to finally acknowledge the vast number of gender identities that exist, that definition no longer feels specific or broad enough to capture the full range of experiences of bisexuality.

Today, our understanding of bisexuality has evolved along with our understanding of sexual attraction and gender identity. As people are finally able to embrace a seemingly infinite number of identities and ways of being, we need language to expand to hold us, or at the very least give us something to hold on to. The word “bisexual” is a perfect example of this shift.

What does bisexual mean?

In the most general sense, the term bisexual refers to anyone who experiences a romantic or sexual attraction toward more than one gender, which can include women, men, nonbinary folks, and other genders, as well as both cisgender and transgender folks. Bisexuality is not binary.

According to Angélique “Angel” Gravely, M.Ed., an LGBTQ+ educator and advocate, some bisexual people define their attraction in more specific ways, but the one thing that holds true for all definitions is that they indicate being attracted to more than one gender in some way.

“The most important thing to remember when it comes to defining bisexuality is that there is more than one accurate definition of bisexuality and more than one valid way of experiencing attraction as a bisexual person,” she tells mbg. “Bisexual is a label that has room for multiplicity, and that multiplicity is what makes the bisexual+ community beautiful and diverse.”

How common is bisexuality?

According to a 2016 report from the CDC, 1.9% of men and 1.3% of women identified as “homosexual, gay, or lesbian,” while 5.5% of women and around 2% of men said they were bisexual. A 2021 report from Gallup also found that about 55% of LGBT adults are bisexual, meaning that bisexual folks make up the single largest group within the LGBTQ+ community.

Since there is still so much prejudice in the world against LGBTQ+ folks, these numbers are likely lower than the reality; some are still fearful to “come out” or acknowledge their sexual orientation publicly. 

Common misconceptions:

Myth No. 1: The bi- in bisexual refers to the traditional gender binary.

One of the biggest misconceptions surrounding the bisexual community has to do with the prefix bi-, which means two. Dainis Graveris, a sex educator and founder of Sexual Alpha, says, for a long time, this is how many people defined bisexuality—that it’s only focused on the attraction to two opposing genders (men and women) within the binary.

“However, bisexuality does not mean attraction to cis-male and cis-female [people] only. It could also encompass romantic, emotional, and sexual attractions to nonbinary people,” he explains. “Many people who identify as bisexual are attracted to genders beyond the binary—specifically, attraction to gender like your own and toward genders different from yours.”

In short, you can be both bisexual and nonbinary, and being bisexual can include attraction to nonbinary people. 

Myth No. 2: Bisexual people are attracted to everyone, all the time.

This is another harmful stereotype, according to Graveris, even though it’s rarely accurate. Someone identifying as bisexual doesn’t mean they’re walking around experiencing some form of attraction to everyone they meet (just like how heterosexual women aren’t necessarily attracted to every single man they meet, for example). It also doesn’t automatically mean they’ll be more sexually promiscuous.

Graveris adds that there are some bi folks who have a split 50/50 attraction to two genders, but more often, bi folks are more interested in certain genders than others.

“Either approach is totally fine, and it’s very much normal to have a change of feelings over time. You see, being bisexual doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to be attracted to two or more genders at the same time, in the same way, and to the same degree,” he adds.

Myth No. 3: It’s just a phase…

Another common misconception about bisexuality is that being bisexual is just an experimental or transition phase, and that these people are going to “come to their senses” and eventually come out and choose one gender over the other, according to Graveris. This is false and also continues the binary of sexuality and gender.

“Never invalidate your bisexual identity, feelings, and experiences. Remember that no two bisexual experiences are the same,” he emphasizes. “Bisexuality is a unique identity. Your bisexual identity is valid. You are valid.”

Myth No. 4: Bisexual people are more likely to cheat.

It’s also a common belief that folks who identify as bi are more likely to be unfaithful. Graveris says there’s no evidence pointing out that bisexuality and cheating go hand in hand.

“Bisexual people build relationships just like any other person. If they stay in a monogamous relationship, they’re [just as] likely to be faithful as anyone else. Being faithful is a choice; cheating is a choice, regardless of gender,” he says.

Signs you may be bisexual:

1. You have conflicting feelings toward another gender.

Like any sexuality, bi feelings can be confusing—especially if you’ve grown up in a traditional household or have preferred one gender for most of your life. Graveris says you may now find that you’re questioning yourself, perhaps because you’re finding yourself with feelings for someone of a different gender. Rest assured that “these feelings are entirely normal. Over time, you’ll get some clarity over your confusion when you begin to explore your desires and feelings,” he says.

2. You’ve found yourself thinking characters in movies, series, and TV shows are hot—regardless of their gender.

“Perhaps you’ve started noticing attraction to both or any gender when you were younger. While this isn’t a surefire sign that you’re bi, it could help you begin an internal conversation about what you really want,” Graveris says. (Note: Some bisexual people are attracted to men and women, though for some bisexual people, the genders they’re attracted to may not necessarily include both men and women.)

3. You relate to a new bi character on your fave show…

…or you get a sense of pride when a famous star comes out as queer or bi. Although these two examples don’t immediately mean you’re bi, they could be good indicators.

4. You fantasize about people of different genders.

Graveris says, while some fantasies aren’t meant to be enacted upon or might not mean anything much, there might be a reason you can’t stop thinking about people of different genders in your fantasies or dreams.

5. You see yourself having a long-term relationship with someone, regardless of gender.

Visualizing having a long-term partnership with someone of any gender is a good sign that you’re bi. You might be more comfortable with one specific gender over others, but if you could see yourself dating people of different genders, that may signal some bisexual inclinations.

6. The “bi” label resounds to you.

When you think about all it entails, you realize you identify with the label and think it perfectly fits how you experience romantic and/or sexual attraction. If you’re comfortable using and being called this label, it’s a good sign that you’re bi.

7. You take the stigma personally.

Graveris says a good indication that you might be bisexual is if you find the unfair portrayal or stigmas toward bisexual identities hurtful and take them personally. Unfortunately, he says, bi folks have been subject to scrutiny from outside and even inside the LGBTQ+ community.

“If you feel hurt when someone questions your sexuality or claims that it’s nonexistent or feel attacked when someone says that bisexuality is just a phase, you just like sleeping around, or you’re not straight/gay enough, then you might be bi,” he says.

How bisexuality relates to other identities.

Bisexual vs. pansexual.

Bisexuality and pansexuality are incredibly closely related and sometimes even used interchangeably. Some people embrace both, while some prefer one over the other. We’ve got a whole guide to the difference between bisexual and pansexual, but the gist: “Bisexual incorporates gender while pansexual does not,” says Carmel Jones, a relationship coach and founder of The Big Fling. “To be pansexual means that gender doesn’t factor much (if at all) into whether you are attracted to someone. Their attraction is to the person, regardless of their gender. But bisexuals register gender in their attraction to someone and recognize that they are attracted to more than just one gender.”

Asexuality.

Asexuality means there is a lack of sexual attraction and/or desire toward others in general. This is not gender-specific, but an asexual person might still have specific genders they’re more romantically interested in or would be open to having some sort of physical intimacy with. “You can also identify as both asexual and another sexuality, leaving it open-ended. Some people call this graysexual, and it signifies very little sexual attraction,” Jones says. In other words, yes, you could be both bisexual and asexual.

Romantic orientations.

Romantic attraction and sexual attraction are not the same thing, says Jones, and someone can be sexually attracted to some genders and romantically attracted to others. So, a person could be heterosexual but biromantic, for example.

Other terms to know.

  • Queer: The dictionary defines queer as something “odd, strange, or weird,” but the word has since been reclaimed and redefined. These days, queer is an umbrella term that is sometimes used to describe anyone within the LGBTQ+ community. The term also provides a sense of community for those who may not fit into one of the other categories specifically but also don’t identify as strictly straight or strictly cisgender.
  • Multisexual: An umbrella term for any sexual identities that include romantic and/or sexual attractions to more than one gender. This can include bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, queer, and others.
  • Omnisexual: Someone who is attracted to people of all genders, and for them, gender plays a huge role in that attraction.
  • Bi-curious: Someone who is looking to explore or has already begun exploring bisexuality. There’s some disagreement about whether this term has roots in biphobia, however.
  • Heteroflexible or homoflexible: A heteroflexible person is mostly straight (heterosexual) though occasionally attracted to the same gender or other genders. A homoflexible person likewise is mostly gay (homosexual) though occasionally is attracted to the “opposite” gender. For example, a heteroflexible man might primarily date and sleep with women but occasionally date or sleep with a man. Like with bi-curiosity, there’s still ongoing debate over whether these terms are rooted in biphobia.
  • Skoliosexual: Someone who is attracted to anyone who isn’t cisgender. This means a skoliosexual person will usually find themselves drawn to people who are trans or nonbinary.
  • Fluid: Some people describe themselves as sexually fluid. A person who is fluid experiences their sexuality or sexual identity as changing over time or in different contexts rather than having one finite way they experience attraction.

These terms and many, many more can be found in our huge glossary of sexual identities.

What’s the point of all these labels?

According to sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes, for some people, labels can provide comfort and validation of something they experience to be true for them. Identifying with labels in sexuality can be incredibly supportive in naming your experience and finding comfort in relating to others who may feel the same.

“It’s human nature to want to feel belonging and acceptance, and labels can often be a wonderful and valid way to understand ourselves and find acceptance and belonging in our experiences. Identifying with a label that feels good to you can feel incredibly empowering and affirming to define yourself,” she tells mbg. “[Some people] identify with multiple labels, and sometimes they prefer to use terms that act more as an umbrella term without truly defining what the label is (fluid, queer, pansexual, etc.).”

On the other hand, labels aren’t the only way to feel this way. In fact, for others, labels can actually create the opposite feeling of comfort because they may feel constraining and restrictive and don’t support the experience they feel. Some folks feel like there aren’t any labels that feel good to them. So, if you’re having a hard time connecting to labels, Menezes suggests ditching them altogether.

“Sometimes folks grow and evolve, and finding new labels that match the experience can feel exhausting. The human experience of sexuality is incredibly diverse, and sometimes there isn’t a label that feels right, and so the most empowering thing to do might be to ditch the labels and just do you,” she says.

Additionally, Menezes says, “There really isn’t a one-fits-all when it comes to labels, but there is a one-fits-all around the choice in deciding what feels the most empowering to you, and that is: Take what you love and leave the rest. You get to choose what feels right for you.”

Dating when you’re bisexual:

1. Be true to who you are.

It’s OK to be upfront with potential new partners about your identity, says Antonia Hall, a transpersonal psychologist, sex educator, and author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life. Bisexual people can sometimes feel like they need to hide that part of themselves from dates due to the stigmas around bisexuality, but Hall says it’s important to release that shame. “Do not let societal pressures shame you for your personal sexual preferences.”

2. Be prepared for questions (and ignorance).

But remember, you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. There are people in the world that are simply behind the times, says Jones. “When dating, just remember that curiosity and ignorance might come into play, and be prepared for that. But it’s important to know that your sexuality is your business, and you never need to justify yourself to anyone. If you are in a dating scenario where you are justifying, overexplaining, or feel uncomfortable, that person is not compatible for you.”

3. Take it slow.

“If you are newly exploring your bisexuality, it is fine to take small steps until you feel more comfortable dating multiple genders,” Hall says.

Jones also recommends taking things slow. It can feel exciting (or nerve-wracking) to enter an unfamiliar dating world, but taking things slower will help you explore it on your terms. It’s not going to happen overnight, and there’s a chance you may get rejected here or there. But hey—that’s how dating goes regardless of sexuality! So, remember who you are, what you want, and that the best experiences happen when you feel comfortable and work on your own timetable, she says.

4. Create a list of nonnegotiables.

“When you are new to navigating the bisexual dating world, it can feel as if the world is your oyster sometimes, and other times like nobody understands you. This pressure can then cloud your judgment when it comes to finding the right person,” says Jones. “Make a list of dating bottom lines that you can always refer to, regardless of the gender of the person you are dating.”

Supporting the bi+ community.

When it comes to supporting the bi+ community, many people need to start by letting go of judgment and releasing the stigma. A lot of what contributes to biphobia and bi-erasure are harmful cultural ideas and narratives around bisexuality, Menezes says. 

“Biphobia is a form of homophobia toward folks who identify as bisexual or bi. It’s important to challenge harmful beliefs and stories society has created around bisexuality. Bisexual folks face a lot of challenges in the LGBTQ community as well as the straight community, and part of supporting the bi community is educating and learning about some of the issues and challenges bi folks might face,” she says.

Biphobia can be found in all communities: Bisexual folks are often fetishized by the straight community and not queer enough for the queer community. Often this leaves folks who identify as bisexual feeling invalidated in their experiences and identity.

So if you want to support the bi+ community, start by pushing back against the harmful stereotypes and bi-erasure. “That can range from calling out biphobic comments you hear in conversation to advocating for your local LGBTQ+ organizations to provide tailored supports for bi+ people,” Gravely says.

Menezes says it’s important to create more spaces for celebrating bisexuality and to uplift the voices of bi folks in both LGBTQIA+ spaces and everywhere. It’s also important to educate yourself. Interact with bisexual folks, creators, and resource centers. You can start by spending time on websites such as Bisexual Resource Center and Bi.org, Gravely says. 

Ultimately, Gravely says supporting bi+ people comes down to acknowledging they exist, affirming their bisexual+ identities and experiences, and fighting with bi+ people to create a world where they can exist without fear of discrimination or stereotyping.

The takeaway.

If you think you might be bisexual, then take some time to explore the idea. See how the label feels. Your sexual identity doesn’t make you who you are, but they are a part of the whole self—which means it’s important to explore. It’s also important to know that you don’t need to claim a label immediately or ever. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey of self-discovery.

In general, when it comes to bisexuality and all its nuances, it’s time to release those outdated definitions and the stigma rooted in misconception and ignorance. Show up for the people in your world as they need you to, and hold space for them as they continue to become.

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