Tag: sex and relationship advice

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The difference between ethical non-monogamy and cheating

By Julia Naftulin

  • In monogamous relationships, a range of intimate interactions with other people could be considered cheating.
  • This can lead to confusion about ethically non-monogamous relationships, where someone has multiple partners but isn’t cheating.
  • According to a therapist, cheating isn’t black-and-white, but defined by an agreement partners make.

People in monogamous relationships can’t seem to agree on what “cheating” entails: A kiss with a stranger? A drunken one-night stand? Exchanging flirty texts with a colleague?

But for people in ethically non-monogamous relationships, there’s a clear line between faithfulness and infidelity, and it has nothing to do with whether or not other parties are involved.

It all comes down to breaching a partner’s trust, Rachel Wright, a sex and relationship therapist who is also in a non-monogamous relationship, told Insider. (Wright uses the term “non-monogamy” without the modifier “ethical” because it suggests relationship setups outside of monogamy are inherently unethical, which isn’t the case, she said.)

“Cheating is cheating, because cheating is going against an agreement,” Wright said.

She said there’s no specific sex acts that make up “cheating.” Rather, it’s what partners agree to uphold together.

That means people in any relationship dynamic, whether non-monogamous or monogamous, can cheat on their partners. In both relationship styles, cheating is characterized by a lack of communication and breaking of trust, according to Wright.

Define ‘cheating’ with your partner using as much detail as possible

Society teaches us to avoid conversations about relationships and sex, but getting into the nitty gritty can help you better understand the difference between cheating and non-monogamy, Wright said.

“There are all of these gray areas because we’re humans,” she said, so having an honest and in-depth discussion about what feels good for you and your partner is the best way to define “cheating.”

“They just assume that everyone’s having the same experience, and there’s some relationship rule book that everybody’s going by. We all know, logically, that’s not true,” Wright said.

People in non-monogamous arrangements have more options for their sexual and romantic lives than people in monogamous relationships, which means they over-communicate their expectations and boundaries often.

She gave the example of two people in a polyamorous relationship. They may agree to date outside of their primary relationship, but also set a rule that they don’t invite their prospective partners back to their shared home. If one partner broke that rule, that would be cheating, Wright said.

But if that partner had sex with an outside partner somewhere other than their home, it wouldn’t be cheating.

“Really, the biggest difference is that someone is not ‘in the know.’ Someone is being blindsided,” Wright said.

To get a better understanding of what “cheating” means to you, Wright suggested examining your personal relationship with jealousy. 

When a person feels jealous, it often signals insecurity, Chapman University psychology professor and relationships researcher Amy Moors previously told Insider.

Rather than create relationship rules that prevent jealousy, it’s healthier to understand how you can care for yourself when that emotion comes up, Wright said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Help! How Do I Get My Sex Drive Back?

Advice on how to restore a decline in sexual desire.

By Christina Caron

Q: Are there any proven treatments for low libido in women?

“Proven” is a strong word — and one that makes scientists squeamish. But it is safe to say that there is “very strong evidence” for increasing sexual desire through certain types of psychological interventions like cognitive behavioral therapy and mindfulness meditation, said Lori A. Brotto, a psychologist and professor at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver and a renowned expert in women’s sexual health.

When it comes to medications, however, it’s a different story.

In recent years, two new medications for women with low libido have been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, “though their efficacy is marginally better than a placebo,” said Dr. Stacy Tessler Lindau, a gynecologist at the University of Chicago Medicine and the creator of WomanLab, a website about sexual health.

These drugs, flibanserin (a pill) and bremelanotide (an injection that is self-administered about 40 minutes before sexual activity), were approved for the “very small subset of women” who are premenopausal, have low libidos and do not have any identifiable physical, mental or relationship problems, Dr. Lindau said. “They may have modest benefit, but they also come with side effects and cost,” she added. “So far, insurance coverage has been limited.”

In the end, the most beneficial solution will depend on the reason you are experiencing low libido and why you consider your libido to be a problem.

Talk to a doctor to rule out any new health problems.

For older women, loss of estrogen during menopause is commonly associated with a change in libido because it can cause vaginal dryness and tightness that can make intercourse painful. Some women also find it more difficult to get aroused. And when menopause is accompanied by hot flashes and night sweats, that can make sex seem less appealing too.

Untreated conditions like depression and anxiety can also be problematic for libido. However, some medications, including certain antidepressants, have been shown to negatively affect sexual desire, arousal and orgasm. So it’s best to speak to your doctor about all of the available options.

Certain medical procedures may also lower libido, for example if a woman had her ovaries removed or her estrogen blocked to treat cancer.

“When possible, replacing estrogen can be a helpful adjunct to addressing low libido in some women,” Dr. Lindau said, as can lubricants, exercise and speaking with a therapist.

The hormone testosterone may also improve sexual function in postmenopausal women who are distressed by a chronic loss of interest in sex, but there is limited data on its safety and effectiveness.

Oftentimes, problems with libido are not purely physical. Stress is one of the most common reasons a woman’s sex drive plummets, the experts said. Low libido also can stem from energy and sleep issues, body image, relationship quality, gender inequities and other concerns.

“I would encourage people complaining of low desire and those who hear the complaints to think about all the influences that exist on desire, including and beyond inside bodies,” said Sari van Anders, a professor who studies sexuality and testosterone at Queen’s University in Ontario. “Desire does not just come from a drive within our bodies, it reflects and responds to all sorts of life and societal situations.”

An journal article written last year by Dr. van Anders, Dr. Brotto and others suggested that four factors, each influenced by societal expectations of women, contribute to the low sexual desire experienced by women in heterosexual relationships. They are inequitable divisions of household labor, the tendency for women to take on a caregiver-mother role with their male partners, an emphasis on a woman’s appearance over her own sexual pleasure — which can make her own feelings of desire contingent upon her perceived desirability — and gender norms that influence which partner initiates sex. For example, women are not typically socialized to initiate sex or prioritize their own pleasure, and they may feel uncomfortable experiencing or initiating pleasure unrelated to penetrative intercourse.

The paper also noted that “low desire” might mean different things to different people. Some people want sex more than others, and it is normal for sexual desire to fluctuate over the years. The experts suggest asking yourself: Are you dissatisfied with the amount of sex that you crave? If so, why?

“Low erotic desire is not a problem in and of itself unless and until partners, health professionals, media and/or culture make it into one,” Dr. van Anders said. “A promising way forward is to consider that low desire itself may reflect a problem, for those who aren’t asexual, rather than be a problem in and of itself.”

For example, some women may be concerned not about their own lack of desire but about a mismatch between their libido and a partner’s higher libido.

“If their discrepant desire is creating a problem for the relationship, then a couples sex therapy approach is warranted,” Dr. Brotto said.

If therapy is not possible — perhaps you cannot find a therapist with openings or one who is affordable — then Dr. Brotto suggested having a conversation with your partner about planning to have sex during times when the person with lower desire feels most ready to do so, and increasing the amount of sexual activities that do not involve penetration. These activities may be more likely to provide pleasure to the person who has less desire.

And here’s another thing to keep in mind: Feeling like you’re not in the mood doesn’t necessarily mean that you have less desire or that your level of desire is somehow insufficient. Not everyone experiences desire, then arousal. Some people need to be aroused first to experience desire.

“Libido has historically been equated with spontaneous sexual desire — that feeling of wanting sex that happens out of the blue,” Dr. Brotto said. “It is far less common than responsive desire — the kind of desire that is present after a sexual encounter begins.”

If you tend to feel physical arousal first and mental desire second, don’t just wait for the sudden urge to have sex.

Instead, set aside time to be intimate and prepare to put yourself in the right mind-set to connect physically with your partner. This might involve taking time out of your day to think about sex, masturbating, listening to a musical playlist that makes you feel sexual or watching a movie that arouses you.

Talk with your partner about the different types of desire (spontaneous versus responsive) and the specific things that help you get in the mood. That way, your partner will also be thinking about how to help you build feelings of desire rather than just jumping right into it. The more you understand and respond to each other’s needs, the better your sex life will become.

Finally, being mindful — a practice that helps you remember to return to the present when you become distracted — can be especially helpful when you are thinking about sex or engaging in sexual activity.

“Cultivating attention to the present moment is really important for the brain-body connection that gives way to sexual response,” Dr. Brotto said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Do Some People Cry After Sex?

The hardcore crash of emotions after sex is not as bizarre or uncommon as many might think.

by Arman Khan

After Zohra, a 28-year-old writer, had sex with her husband a few days after their wedding last year, she couldn’t stop tears from streaming down her face.

It wasn’t their first time having sex – they’d been together for ten years. But for some inexplicable reason, she told VICE, the post-copulation tears became part of their sex life after having tied the knot.

At first, her partner was confused by the sudden burst of emotion. “What happened?” he’d asked her, worried that he’d inadvertently hurt her.

It was all perfect, she’d assure him, unable to pinpoint what she was really feeling apart from a general sense of being overwhelmed.

“We all live so many lies outside the bed,” she told VICE. “But now, it just feels like this experience is special, that he will have this unique connection with me and me alone. I’m not sure if passionate is the right word or if it’s even possible to come up with the right word to describe the intensity of that experience.”

Experts have explained this kind of emotional reaction after sex as postcoital dysphoria (PCD), defined as feeling tearful or sad after otherwise satisfactory or even great consensual sex. According to a study on PCD by the Queensland University of Technology in Australia, nearly 41 percent of men reported experiencing PCD at some point in their lifetime and nearly 4 percent of people said that they cry after sex on a regular basis.  Another study suggests nearly half of all women experience post-coital crying at least once in their lives, with some reporting (often inexplicable) tears during or after sex several times per month.

Neuropsychologist Jasdeep Mago told VICE that we often manifest our “most easily accessible emotion” in moments of vulnerability – and lying bare with another individual is often a deeply vulnerable act. You are going into an agreement to share each other’s deepest desires, to be seen naked, to be loved, wanted and fulfilled – making vulnerability a core component of our sexuality.

“Many people actually end up laughing when they hear bad news or do something emotional. They are obviously not literally happy in that moment but it’s their most easily accessible and used emotion, which surfaces in moments of vulnerability,” said Mago. “For people whose easily accessible emotion is crying, myself included, you will notice they can break down even in the middle of an argument.”

In societies where sex is still widely considered taboo, explained Mago, actually having sex can itself be an overwhelming experience for many, the enormity of it resulting in an unexpected rush of tears.

This was the case with Rituparna, a 24-year-old content strategist. She was 18 when she first cried after sex. At that age, she said, both she and her partner were not equipped with the tools to navigate her emotional reaction. But years of therapy and self-work helped her understand her emotions and reactions better.

“Growing up in a conservative family in a small town in eastern India, there was a lot of shame associated with sex,” she told VICE. “I also went through some sexually traumatic experiences as a child. So, now, when I’m able to have safe and consensual sex, I cry out of gratitude for deserving a space where my pleasure matters and where I know I’ll be treated like a human being.”

In some cases, experts found that women experiencing postpartum depression may also cry after sex as they experience hormonal fluctuations. Rituparna said that while some might explain this as an interplay of hormones such as oxytocin and dopamine, for her, crying after sex is essentially a cathartic experience.

“It’s almost an otherworldly space for me, and I approach it from a position of great respect,” she said. “So far, my partners have been very understanding whenever I’ve cried. In some instances, they became vulnerable too.”

In the queer space, trusting your flings and hookups with a vulnerable reaction after sex is not a common experience, according to Saurabh, a 32-year-old filmmaker. Whenever he felt like crying after sex, he waited for his partner to leave the room first. 

“The first time I cried, it was from sheer exhaustion,” he told VICE. “I didn’t know why I wanted so much sex and why I had to be such a sexual person. It all became too much for me and I broke down. But I couldn’t cry in front of him because I don’t expect strangers to process or even understand a visceral and emotional outburst.”

Asma, a 24-year-old advertising manager, has often felt tears well up after hooking up with strangers. 

“I ask myself: Is this how life is going to be? Will I always have these temporary flings? What value will this add to my life? I let it all build up even during the course of sex and I ultimately break down.”

Asma has, on occasion, cried after sex with her previous boyfriends too. “I think that was about the insecurity I felt in those relationships.” Though her past relationships that were stable led to fewer instances of postcoital crying, a recent positive sexual experience led to tears too. “The fact that I could have his undivided attention for so long really overwhelmed me.”

Mago, the neuropsychologist, said that the feeling of being overwhelmed is a neutral one – it can swing either way, positive or negative.

“One of the reasons why people might get overwhelmed after sex and cry is when there is a mismatch between their expectations from sex and how it actually turns out,” she explained. “Sometimes, bad sex is a stark reminder of the systemic issues in a relationship too, and the crushing realisation can be overwhelming.”

Aastha Vohra, a sexuality and sexual wellness expert, told VICE that anxiety that surfaces during the act itself cannot be discounted when trying to understand why people cry after sex. 

“In many cases, the vulva owner may not have been sufficiently lubricated, and that can cause a lot of discomfort and anxiety that ultimately keeps building and ends up in crying,” she said. “[Consensual] sex is a channel for nearly all our emotions because we’re quite literally naked during the act. It allows you the safe space to express those anxieties and emotions because for many, that safe space might not exist anywhere else.”

Intimacy coach Pallavi Barnwal added that some people who cry after sex may also be the ones who exercise immense emotional self-control outside sex. And a lot can be understood by looking into one’s childhood too. 

“Sex is essentially a primal act that subconsciously takes us back to our earliest bonding experience, that with our parents,” she said. “Past scars and ghosts have a strange way of showing up when you least expect them to. If you are in an extramarital relationship, the guilt can also sometimes manifest in tears.”

In cases where certain positions, words or other apsects of sex evoke past sexual trauma that leads to postcoital tears, Barnwal suggested addressing the “root cause” with therapy.

Mago, the neuropsychologist, emphasized that crying after sex is not explicitly classified as a disorder, disease or syndrom. “Crying after sex in itself does not derail the healthy functioning of an individual,” she said. “Unless it does, in which case you must seek professional help.”

The way Barnwal sees it, the ambiguity and the wide range of experiences surrounding the phenomenon of crying after sex should not surprise us. It boils down to the fact that sex is a multi-layered realm where things don’t immediately have to make sense. 

“We must understand that all sex is essentially two sets of competing truths – pain and pleasure,” she said. “It all depends on how you navigate it and how your partner supports you during the process. If you are the one witnessing the person you’ve had sex with break down, then understand that this is nothing scary or bizarre. Most of the time, it’s not even about you. Just hold them, cuddle them, and embrace sexual vulnerability as a totally normal thing.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Let’s Talk About Emotional Cheating in Queer Relationships

“As a rule of thumb, if you’re hiding something… then you’re likely cheating to some degree.”

By Sophie Saint Thomas

Within the queer community, we like to joke that the straights are not okay. But if they can’t handle West End Caleb, the guy who went viral for “love bombing” New York City women with Spotify playlists before ghosting, how could they handle navigating emotional cheating within a polyamorous queer triad? Has a straight person ever needed to identify one’s bisexual identity, in terms of both romantic and sexual attraction, when pinpointing what constitutes emotional cheating? I once watched an ex have her out-of-town ex-turned-best-friend (it’s confusing, I know) platonically stay with her, in her bed, during Valentine’s Day weekend, then accuse me of being emotionally unavailable.

The straights are just fine, with a few notable but vocal exceptions. But the LGBTQ+ crowd needs to discuss emotional cheating — especially after the lonely lockdown and isolation of the COVID-19 pandemic.

While having an ex sleep over, even if you don’t have sex, might be too much for my Scorpio heart, my Gemini friend Zachary Zane, a bisexual activist and Lovehoney sex and relationship columnist, would probably call me a prude. “Since queer people exist outside of traditional, heteronormative constructs, we’ve had to create and define our own relationships,” Zane tells Logo. “Queer people understand that a multitude of relationship types exist between a platonic friend and romantic and sexual partner. You can deeply love your best friend. You can sleep with your best friend periodically. You can be polyamorous and have casual sex partners, platonic life partners, and romantic partners. The options really are endless.”

I asked Zane if he’s ever felt emotionally cheated on. “LOL — no one cheats on me. All my partners are obsessed, and it’s hella annoying.” Geminis.

From a heteronormative, monogamous perspective, it’s probably hard to understand how emotional cheating could even happen to a queer person in a poly relationship. After all, doesn’t polyamory translate to “many loves?” It does, but the whole “ethical” part in ethical non-monogamy (ENM) necessitates communication to ensure that boundaries are respected.

“Emotional cheating can occur in ENM when expectations are not communicated properly,” Zane explains. “As a rule of thumb, if you’re hiding something, lying to your partner about something you’re doing or feeling towards someone else, then you’re likely cheating to some degree.”

Of course, not every queer person is in an open relationship, and it’s rude to assume so. But it is true that queer people — many of whom couldn’t even marry their long-term partners until recently — tend to find new and chosen families. “These relationships are frequently emotionally close and, for some folks, can at times seem to blur lines of what is strictly friendship and what may cross into something different or more,” says Dr. Laura Obert, a licensed psychologist and LGBTQ+ coach. “For those who have a primary committed relationship, this may lay the groundwork for emotional cheating being inadvertently more accessible if the relational boundaries are not clear.”

Bisexual “Sober Sexpert” Tawny Lara notes that while it is important to establish boundaries to prevent emotional cheating, in her experience, it’s also crucial to remember that one person cannot fulfill all of your needs, even if you are monogamous. “It’s important to have strong friendships outside of your partner(s). Expecting one person to satiate your every desire is unrealistic. It’s also important to discern healthy, external friendships from what you know in your gut to be emotional infidelity. And that’s a line that only you can draw for yourself.”

Lara says she has emotionally cheated in the past to satisfy a romantic void which she wasn’t getting at home. “On The Office, I see Jim and Pam’s relationship while she was with Roy as emotional infidelity. She confided in Jim, cried to Jim, had an intimate connection with Jim for years before they finally kissed, and she left her fiancé.” Not only can Lara pull fantastic pop culture references out of thin air, but she has been on both sides of the emotional-cheating equation. Lara found out that a former partner was texting his ex for weeks, including during a surprise birthday party she threw for him.

“I saw the ‘I miss you too’ texts pop up on his phone and was completely devastated,” she remembers. “It’s hard to compare that pain to the pain felt from a physical affair, but I definitely think there’s a difference between having a long-term emotional connection with someone versus a one-time fling. They can both cause pain, but an emotional affair has a particular sting to it.”

During the isolation of lockdown, physical cheating became more high-stakes than ever. While emotional pain and STIs are always risks, now you could get the potentially fatal COVID-19 virus from kissing. Unless you live with your partner, you likely couldn’t even regularly have sex with them.

While we couldn’t go to bars or sex clubs, we certainly could spend time on social media — perhaps too much time. Who didn’t end up at least chatting up an ex after sliding into their DMs one lonely night to make sure they were still alive? “It would make perfect sense that people reached out virtually and emotionally to find a sense of connection and meaning in a world that seemed to have gone sideways,” says Shut Up and Listen to Yourself author and LGBTQ+ therapist Dr. Joshua Estrin. Does this count as emotional cheating? Maybe, or maybe it would be par for the course in your queer friend group. We are pretty good at staying friends with our exes, after all. Ultimately, it’s up to you and your partner(s) to decide what kind of digital communication with current or former paramours is or isn’t permissible.

There’s truth to some stereotypes. Yes, some queer relationships between two women can provide more emotional availability than what your average straight girl is used to receiving from the West Elm Calebs of the world. And sure, some queer men are probably better at handling jealousy than the presumably cis, straight girls West Elm Caleb attracts.

Being part of the LGBTQ+ rainbow is fabulous, but lines can get blurry with all of those colors. Like everything, defining and identifying emotional cheating within a queer relationship requires communication and boundaries. You’ll hurt yourself and others without boundaries, whether it’s the fallout after your secret Zoom dates with an ex during the pandemic inevitably explode, or after you end up telling your boss things your partner doesn’t even know. Boundaries are essential, which is why I’m proud of my aforementioned ex for blocking me even though we ended on rough terms.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can Xanax Cause Erectile Dysfunction?

By Laura Dorwart

Xanax (alprazolam) can cause sexual side effects, including low libido (sex drive) and erectile dysfunction (ED).1 Xanax is a prescription medication used to treat anxiety disorders, such as generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and panic disorder. It is also sometimes used to treat insomnia, muscle spasms, and seizures.2

Xanax belongs to the benzodiazepine drug class, which works by slowing down central nervous system (CNS) activity. Some of the most common side effects of Xanax include drowsiness, dry mouth, irritability, dizziness, headache, and difficulty concentrating.2

This article will discuss why Xanax causes sexual dysfunction for some people, how to manage Xanax and ED, and more.

Does Xanax Cause ED?

Many prescription medications used to treat mental health conditions have sexual side effects. Recent research shows that Xanax (alprazolam) has been linked to erectile dysfunction (ED). ED can involve difficulty getting or sustaining an erection, abnormal ejaculation, and delayed or diminished orgasms.3

In clinical trials, people who were taking Xanax for symptoms of panic disorder experienced sexual dysfunction. Of the people who took Xanax, 7.4% reported having sexual side effects compared to 3.7% of people who were given a placebo (an inactive pill).4

In another study, people with panic disorder symptoms experienced a reduced sex drive, orgasm dysfunction, and ED when taking Xanax.5 Results from a Boston Area Community Health Survey in 2013 also associated long-term benzodiazepine use with increased ED symptoms among people aged 30 to 79.1

Xanax Sexual Side Effects

Xanax has been linked to a number of possible sexual side effects, including:

The risk of sexual side effects from Xanax may increase for people who take it more often, for a longer period of time, and/or at a higher dose. A 2018 case study revealed that higher doses of alprazolam could raise the risk for anorgasmia among male patients.6

Causes of Erectile Dysfunction

It’s not entirely clear why Xanax sometimes causes ED. However, researchers believe that the answer could be related to how the drug affects the central nervous system (CNS). 

Benzodiazepines like Xanax work by slowing down CNS activity and increasing the levels in the brain of certain neurotransmitters (chemicals that carry signals between nerve cells), specifically dopamine and gamma amino-butryric acid (GABA)—a neurotransmitter that acts as a sort of sedative.7

While this mechanism effectively reduces stress, it may have the same inhibitory effect on libido and sex drive. Low libido can lead to ED and other kinds of sexual dysfunction.

Even if your ED symptoms started around the time you began taking Xanax, it’s possible that your symptoms are due to another physical or mental health condition. Other common causes for ED may include:3

Most people take Xanax to treat symptoms of anxiety and other mental health conditions. Because anxiety and depression have both been linked to (and can exacerbate) ED, it’s important to address your underlying conditions as well as any sexual side effects you might experience from Xanax.8

Managing Erectile Dysfunction on Xanax

There are several possible ways to manage Xanax-related sexual dysfunction, including:

  • Lowering your dose: Under the supervision of your healthcare provider, you might be able to take a lower dose of Xanax to decrease the severity of sexual side effects.6
  • Taking Xanax less frequently: Chronic and frequent use of benzodiazepines is linked to higher rates of ED.1 Taking Xanax less often may improve your sexual functioning. Discuss your dosing schedule with your healthcare provider.
  • Switching to another medication: Your healthcare provider might be able to prescribe another antianxiety medication with a lower risk of ED.
  • Taking medications for ED: Taking prescription medications to treat ED may counteract the sexual side effects of Xanax.
  • Treating underlying conditions: Treating the symptoms of underlying conditions, such as anxiety and depression, can improve your overall sexual health.

Talk to Your Healthcare Provider

If you experience ED or other sexual side effects while taking Xanax, talk to your healthcare provider. They may be able to prescribe another medication, lower your dose, or refer you to another specialist who can help.

Summary

Xanax (alprazolam) is a common prescription medication that belongs to the class of drugs known as benzodiazepines. Usually, Xanax is prescribed to treat anxiety disorders and panic disorder. It may also be prescribed to treat seizures, insomnia, and muscle spasms.

Some people who use Xanax report experiencing sexual side effects. In addition to erectile dysfunction (ED), some people with Xanax experience reduced sex drive, anorgasmia, problems with ejaculation, and orgasm dysfunction. These sexual side effects may be due to the drug’s effects on the central nervous system.

People who experience ED while taking Xanax should talk to their healthcare provider about how their treatment could be modified to reduce this side effect.

A Word From Verywell

If you are experiencing sexual side effects while taking Xanax, don’t be afraid to reach out to your healthcare provider. They can offer alternatives and other solutions to help you treat your condition while improving your sexual functioning.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • How does antidepressant medication cause erectile dysfunction?
    Antidepressant medications and other psychotropic drugs can cause erectile dysfunction (ED) by affecting the activity of hormones and neurotransmitters. For example, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) may cause sexual side effects due to the drug’s impact on serotonin, dopamine, and testosterone levels.9

    Xanax (alprazolam), which is usually prescribed to treat anxiety, may cause ED and reduce sexual drive by slowing down central nervous system activity.7

  • What are the other side effects of Xanax?
    In addition to sexual side effects such as erectile dysfunction and low libido, Xanax can cause side effects like headache, drowsiness, irritability, difficulty concentrating, difficulty urinating, dizziness, nausea, constipation, and changes in appetite.

    More severe side effects may include difficulty breathing, skin rashes, problems with speech or coordination, seizures, and disorientation.2 If you have any of these side effects, seek medical attention immediately.

  • Does Xanax lower testosterone?
    It’s unclear exactly how Xanax (alprazolam) affects testosterone levels, as research is limited. The only study found was an older one on rats that showed Xanax did not affect testosterone levels.10

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Everything You Need to Know About Sexual Styles

    —Including How They Affect Your Relationships

    By Rebecca Norris

    The term “sexual styles” might first make you think of images of popular sex positions. In actuality, the phrase refers to the way in which you regard sex. Like love languages, sexual styles play a key role in how satisfied you are with your sex life (and life at large). Not sure what your sexual style is? Keep reading to learn everything you need to know about them.

    What are sex styles?

    Relationship and sex therapist Carolina Pataky, LFMT, the co-founder of the Love Discovery Institute in Florida, says that a lot affects how we connect on an individual level within relationships. “For some, building a personal, emotional connection comes first,” she says. “For others, it’s letting the sexual chemistry play a role in how the relationship transforms and develops.” That said, Pataky points out that a relationship’s initial amount of passion tends to last only from six months up to two years.

    That’s why knowing your sexual style is so beneficial. “The key to maintaining a healthy, sexual life with your partner is to create a sexual style that fits in your relationship with you and your partner to enhance the intimacy, desire, and connection between the two to continue growing and developing a healthy relationship,” she explains, noting that it plays into the entire duration of a relationship. Find out how to discover your sexual style is, below.

    Complementary

    This is the most common sex style. According to award-winning sexologist Goody Howard, the complementary sexual style focuses on both partners initiating sex acts, as well as other less sexual forms of intimacy (such as meaningful communication). “It’s a balance of personal pleasure and couple intimacy where both partners are responsible for initiation and intimacy,” she explains.

    Tacking onto this, Pataky says that having a complementary sex style means that both you and your partner are vocal about your sexual needs. “Couples who act on this type of sexual style value intimacy and eroticism in a balanced form and have the confidence and comfort to act out on their sexual fantasies,” she says.

    Pataky says that this sexual style comes with a downside, though. “Some couples may fall into treating sex as a routine versus maintaining the passion needed to maintain a healthy sex life,” she says. “In some cases, couples who have had a baby tend to get caught up in the parenting life, losing their value within their personal life, which causes them to lose intimacy and playfulness in eroticism.”

    Traditional

    The traditional sexual style—which is also very popular—is all about gender roles. “The masculine partner initiates and the feminine partner is responsible for intimacy (nonsexual love),” Howard explains. (Note that anybody, of any gender, can feel masculine or feminine.)

    Although this sex style is known for its stability, security, and clarity, Pataky says that it can lead to trouble down the road. If the masculine partner is responsible for initiating sexual acts, that can lead the feminine partner to feel unwanted if sex drives start to dwindle. And, since the feminine partner is “responsible” for intimate communication, it won’t be discussed until they bring it up.

    Soulmate

    The soulmate sexual style is best described as being best friends and partners. “Couples share intimacy and erotic pleasure at an almost cellular level that accepts the good, bad, and ugly of each person,” Howard says.

    In that way, the soulmate sexual style is heavily based in validation and acceptance. “It entails sharing intimate moments and eroticism with your partner, both sides accepting each other—faults and all—as well as giving each additional validation from emotional and sexual standpoints,” Pataky explains.

    In learning so much about a partner, though, the soulmate sex style can lead to de-eroticizing each other, Pataky warns. “You can end up feeling disappointed by your partner if they fail to meet unrealistic expectations, such as being unable to cope successfully if affairs occur,” she explains.

    Emotionally expressive

    While being emotionally open is a fantastic trait, the emotionally expressive sex style refers to passionate, yet volatile relationships. “[People with this style] use sex to resolve conflict and connect emotionally, so it burns hot, bright, and fast,” Howard explains. Pataky notes that couples with this style tend to be playful and open to sexual experimentation. “They are highly erotic and show high amounts of intensity for sex,” she says.

    The problem is, when you rely solely on sex as a coping mechanism—instead of actually discussing issues that arise—these relationships often fizzle out or implode. “Couples can become too emotional, and their sexual drama can emotionally and physically drain their bond, potentially threatening their stability,” Pataky explains. “They usually use sex to avoid their issues in the relationship, which can wear their partners out both emotionally and physically.”

    What’s my sexual style?

    Sex styles aren’t something you choose; instead, they’re about how you show up (and react) in your relationships. “If you like to initiate and receive advances, you’re probably a complementary style; if you prefer to only initiate or only receive advances, you’re probably more of a traditional sex style,” Howard says. People who prefer to be super connected emotionally to their partners are likely soulmate folks. As for someone who enjoys passion and drama in their sexual connections? Most likely an emotionally expressive person.

    Are all sexual styles compatible?

    While there’s no hard and fast rule for this, Howard says that partners with the same style tend to work best together. (“If styles were to co-mingle, though, I think complementary and soulmate styles would be the most successful,” she adds.)

    Sexual styles go beyond sex

    Sex styles impact more than just physical acts of sex. For the soulmate style, Howard says that an emotional connection is almost as important as sex. As such, their relationship, and emotions toward it as a whole, can play into how satisfied they feel during sex.

    On the opposite end of the spectrum, Howard points out that emotionally expressive folks typically avoid emotional intimacy with sex. Instead, it’s all about the act. As for complementary and traditional types, that’s where the  emotional balance and engagement come into play—hence why they’re the two most popular sex styles.

    Wherever you fall, Pataky says that getting to know which sexual style works for you will help you find the partnership that fulfills you the most. “[Discovering your sexual style is] ideal in creating those intimate moments special to you since not every sexual style is perfect for every couple,” she explains. “You have to discover the likes and dislikes of each partner, your desires, and your feelings and values—and select the balance of intimacy and eroticism that will enhance the sexual desires within the relationship.”

    Can a person’s sexual style change over time?

    Although people don’t initially choose their sex style, Howards says that, over time, they can focus on what they want and grow in that direction. “Similar to a person’s palate for food, pleasure scripts can also change and evolve throughout the lifespan,” she says. “This includes, but is not limited to sexual style.” So if you tended to be emotionally expressive or soulmate-oriented in your 20s, you might find more fulfillment in a more stable complementary or traditional bond as you age.

    Ultimately, developing your sexual style goes hand-in-hand with long-term satisfaction. “When choosing a sexual style, the essential thing is to be mindful of any vulnerabilities in all the sexual types to avoid subverting a couple’s sexuality,” Pataky says—hence why she’s quick to acknowledge the downsides of each. “The critical thing is to emphasize all the strengths in your chosen sexual style and not be ashamed or embarrassed to celebrate your sexual desires with your partner as you explore your options together.”

    That said, it’s also important to understand the role that sex should play in your relationships—or, at least, relationships that you hope to withstand the test of time. “Keep in mind that you want to choose a style that’s mutually accepted, facilitating satisfaction, pleasure, and sexual desires,” Pataky says. “Sexuality should have a role of about 15 to 20 percent in your relationship to help the vitality and your sexual happiness.”

    One more thing

    Sex styles aren’t the most heavily-researched topic in the advancement of sexual education. “I’d like to see some research on the prevalence of sexual style by community, orientation, gender identity, socioeconomic status, and so on,” Howard says. “Everything I read about this theory was from white, educated women and it was extremely heteronormative.”

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    My Culture Taught Me Sex is for Putas

    — Here’s How I’m Unlearning Shame

    By Jacqueline Delgadillo

    “If she’s slept with more than one man, she’s a puta,” my tía told my mom during her visit to our home in Riverside, California. I was 22 years old, and I felt heat rising to my face. I prayed no one could read the guilt in my sweat. According to my aunt’s definition, I was a puta—and her daughter was one, too. I was ashamed.

    In traditional Latinx culture, sex is reserved for cis, straight men and women after they’ve wed. Virginity—albeit a social construct—is something sacred; it belongs to your future spouse, your parents, or a higher power, but certainly not to you. Those who own their sexuality, indulge in sexual pleasure, enjoy multiple partners, or dare to speak about their sensual desires are shamed and outcasted with words like “puta” and “sucia.” By claiming their sexuality, these women are a threat to the status quo and are condemned by the same culture that celebrates male sexual prowess.

    Those who own their sexuality, indulge in sexual pleasure, enjoy multiple partners, or dare to speak about their sensual desires are shamed and outcasted.

    Growing up hearing these ideologies, I’ve often been left with more questions than answers. Thankfully, social media has introduced me to women and femmes who own their sexuality and provide sex education. Connecting with other sexually liberated folks has reminded me that I’m the CEO of my body and I’m also not alone in my journey to reclaim my sexuality and desire for myself. As I scroll through Instagram, I see Latinas and Latinx femmes talking openly about sex and finding their sexy, whatever that looks like for them. For the first time, this level of sexual and bodily autonomy seems within reach for us—except so many of us still feel icky during self-intimacy, are scared about increasing our so-called body count, and would rather give up sex altogether than have abuelita know what we do in our bedrooms late at night.

    Even when the world around us seems to make progress, there remains a tumultuous internal battle around sexual shame—and memes alone won’t heal us. Unlearning the harmful messages and feelings we’ve been taught to associate with sex and pleasure takes time and mind-body work. We spoke with four sex experts who share their advice on healing sex shame, no matter where you are on your journey.

    Irma Garcia, CSE, Sex Educator and Creator of Dirty South Sex Ed, Texas

    I lead abortion access work at Jane’s Due Process, a nonprofit organization in Texas that helps minors obtain a judicial bypass for abortions. I’m also a sex educator; in 2020, I created Dirty South Sex Ed to help my community of Black and brown folks release their sexual shame. I wanted to present sexual health information in a very relatable and palpable way.

    I was raised in a culturally conservative and religious town where young women, especially in Black and brown communities, are told that they have to present a certain way in order to be seen and valued as respectable, and that always bugged me. Since I was a young person, I’ve always been in touch with my sexuality. When I took Women’s and Gender Studies classes at the University of Texas at Austin, I was able to gain the language that I needed to talk about my experiences and found a community that helped me be my most authentic self. Stepping out of that shame and voicing my opinions on sexuality, respectability politics, and purity culture have all been freeing for me.

    As a certified sex educator, I recommend anyone who is experiencing sexual shame to try engaging in self-pleasure. For some, this could mean masturbation, but this level of self-intimacy isn’t for everyone. If you feel uneasy touching yourself, engage in other forms of pleasure like eating a cupcake (there’s a lot of stigma around food as well), resting, or doing anything that brings you joy, period. Practice giving yourself that “yes” and honoring it; this will help make it easier for you to say “yes” to sexual pleasure when you’re ready.

    Still, overcoming sex shame isn’t a goal you can achieve quickly. It’s about healing, and healing can be a lifelong journey. You can be sexually liberated and still carry some shame. Wherever you are in your journey is valid, and it’s important to see sexuality as just another component of your overall well-being.

    Dr. Janet Brito, Certified Sex Therapist and Sexual Health Educator, Hawaii

    I’m the CEO of the Hawaii Center for Sexual Relationship Health, a therapeutic sex-positive practice devoted to helping people manage difficult aspects of their sexuality, gender, and reproductive health. While in this role I now mostly focus on program development, supervision, and management, I still wear a clinical hat, providing sex therapy for individuals and couples. I also run the Sexual Health School, which is an online training program for individuals who want to be trained in sex therapy.

    As a queer woman, it took my family many years to accept my sexual identity and my partners. It was the most painful thing in my life. I dealt with it by studying human sexuality in school. It was so liberating to learn about sexual health and the diversity of human sexuality. I felt like I was home. I understood that nothing was wrong with me but that there was a lot wrong with society and its scripts around gender, sexual orientation, and sexuality. I wanted to give this feeling of home and freedom to others.

    For some people, the struggle isn’t around their sexual orientation but rather their preferences. They might feel a lot of shame around being aroused by something atypical, wanting a threesome, or exploring a polyamorous relationship. There’s so much shame around doing things that are nontraditional, and there’s a lot of unnecessary pain caused by the scripts imposed on us

    As a sex therapist, it’s important for me to validate where this shame comes from. For Latinxs, some of these scripts are defined by marianismo, which values harmony, inner strength, self-sacrifice, and morality in women, and famialismo, which promotes dedication, commitment, and loyalty to family. These are beautiful traditions and they’re part of our culture, but if we hang on to something too rigidly, then it can be harmful. However, sometimes there’s some grief and loss that comes with retiring cultural values and traditions. Some can wonder, Am I betraying my culture? It’s scary. But it’s not about letting go of culture and the values that make up the richness of our community; it’s about being open to other possibilities that are not as limiting.

    Rebecca Alvarez Story, Sexologist and Co-Founder & CEO of Bloomi, California

    I’ve been a sexologist for more than 10 years. As part of my work, I provide coaching for a variety of intimacy topics for singles and couples. I’m also a consultant for multiple projects, like company education and product development. About three years ago, my two worlds came together when I started a sexual wellness and intimacy company called Bloomi.

    While there was a lot of sex positivity in the world, I realized it was hard to find in the real world. My parents did their best; we had that big awkward sex talk. But in high school, I had abstinence-only sex education. It left me curious, and I felt shame in wanting to know more. I didn’t have any conversations about sexual pleasure until I got to college. Understanding how healing and empowering these discussions were for me, I helped UC Berkeley create the first sexual wellness major. I later went into a master’s program in sexology, thinking, I’m going to make my own career out of this. I think the world needs this.

    Growing up in a Latinx household, these conversations were uncomfortable. It reminds me so much of the cultural phenomenon going on right now with Encanto’s “We Don’t Talk About Bruno.” I think so many Latinxs resonated with that song because we don’t talk about uncomfortable topics. We don’t talk about our bodies. We don’t talk about pleasure. But to heal shame and stigma we must be open about it, even if it’s to ourselves or our communities

    When it comes to healing sexual shame, it’s important to surround yourself with people who are sex-positive. This can be friends, a tía, a cousin, or anyone else. What’s important is to build a community you can lean on with these types of topics and conversations. This way, you can exist very confidently around people who hold shameful ideologies without absorbing it in the same way.

    One of the beautiful things about sexuality and our sex lives is that our desires will change throughout our life. Give yourself permission to unlearn what doesn’t serve you. One way to do this is by exploring your body and interests so you learn what does work for you. Create a life that’s full of intentional pleasure; that’s what helped make a difference for me.

    Stephanie Orozco, Podcast Host of Tales from the Clit, Boston

    Trigger Warning: Sexual Violence

    I’m the host of Tales from the Clit, a storytelling sex education podcast, and also a graduate student studying sex, sexuality, and gender as part of my Public Health master’s degree at Boston University. In many ways, my interest in sexuality and passion to destigmatize consensual sex is rooted in being sexually assaulted as a child.

    I grew up in a Mexican immigrant community, and I felt like I couldn’t turn to anyone to talk about what had happened to me. I also went to a public school in Southern California that didn’t have comprehensive sex education or instruction on consent. Alone and confused, I thought I was pregnant for eight years after I was assaulted.

    For years, I carried a lot of pain, doubt, and shame. I have post-traumatic stress disorder and have been in therapy on and off for 15 years. There wasn’t one particular thing that made me realize what I had experienced was sexual assault, but there was so much shame and pain attached to the experience that I started going to therapy because I knew it wasn’t something I could process on my own. At the time, I was so uncomfortable just being naked. To heal my relationship with my body, I first tried getting comfortable with being naked. I would hang out in my underwear while watching TV in my room alone. No one else needed to be a part of that. Once I started making peace with my body, including the parts that I didn’t like very much, it made it easier for me to think about consensual sex and be nude in front of other people.

    In 2014, when I was 21 years old and had started learning about sex, consent, and pleasure through sex educators like Sex Nerd Sandra, I started to organize sexual health events in my community. As a member of my college’s Social Observation Club, I put together a sexual health fair, panels, and interactive activities where people felt safe enough to ask questions. I set out to be the kind of sex educator that my younger self needed when I was lost and afraid. I wanted to teach comprehensive sex education that is culturally relevant to my community.

    Healing sex shame is a long-term project. This is not going to be fixed by learning how to orgasm or where the clit is. There’s more to sex education than just talking about managing STIs and pregnancy; there is anatomy, consent, and pleasure. But this isn’t going to be normalized in our communities overnight. It has to be intergenerational, and it has to start with our generation.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    What to know about managing sexual frustration

    Sexual frustration describes a state of irritation, agitation, or stress resulting from sexual inactivity or dissatisfaction. There are many possible causes of this sensation, and it can manifest differently from person to person. Individuals experiencing sexual frustration may benefit from finding other outlets for releasing their sexual energies.

    by Rachel Ann Tee-Melegrito

    Sexual frustration is a natural response that many people experience at one time or another. It refers to an imbalance between a person’s sexual desires and their reality. Some people assume sexual frustration only applies to those with a high sex drive. However, it occurs in anyone whose sexual arousal is not met with sufficient activity, leading to tension.

    Sexual behavior is a complex human endeavor that can affect physical and mental well-being. While sexual frustration can present differently among individuals, it can cause negative health effects and lead to anger, recklessness, anxiety, and depression.

    In this article, we explore the concept of sexual frustration, the possible signs, how it can impact health, and how individuals can manage this condition.

    Many people view sexual experiences as an essentialTrusted Source aspect of their quality of life. Having unmet sexual desires may lead to feelings of discontent. Sexual frustration does not refer to a person’s libido. Instead, it describes a person being unable to satisfy the sexual arousal they are experiencing.

    Sexual frustration is a common experience, and it can affect many people regardless of age, gender, sexuality, and relationship status. Many factors can contribute to this sensation, including sexual inactivity, sexual dissatisfaction, or sexual dysfunction.

    There are no known health conditions associated with sexual frustration. A 2018 surveyTrusted Source found that “sexless” Americans report similar levels of happiness as their sexually active counterparts.

    However, a 2021 study indicates that sexual frustration may increase the risk of violence, aggression, and crime. Restrained sexual behaviors may also negatively affect a person’s efficiency at work, according to a 2016 study.

    Evidence suggests an association between sexual and mental health. A 2020 studyTrusted Source notes an association between sexual dissatisfaction and depressive symptoms and lower rates of mental well-being.

    A person experiencing sexual frustration may also begin displaying reckless behaviors. In an attempt to satisfy their sexual urges, a person may engage in riskier sexual activitiesTrusted Source, which could lead to unintentional health outcomes such as sexually transmitted infection (STI) and unintended pregnancy.

    It may be easy for people to experience stress and tension in other areas of life and attribute them to sexual frustration. A person can begin by assessing their current mood. If they are primarily projecting negative emotions and there is no obvious nonsexual cause, then it may relate to sexual frustration.

    Potential symptoms and behaviors that could stem from or connect to sexual frustration can include:

    • feeling irritable, restless, and edgy
    • experiencing rejection from recent sexual advances
    • feeling less confident or less interested in sex
    • having less sex, masturbating less, or both
    • having sexual expectations that partners are unable to fulfill
    • performing riskier behaviors to fulfill sexual desires
    • feeling too stressed or tired to have sex or masturbate, even when there is a desire to do so
    • arguing with a partner more often and steering arguments back to the topic of sex
    • engaging in unhealthy coping behaviors such as binge eating or drinking
    • frequently fantasizing or daydreaming about sex
    • watching porn or movies with many intimate scenes

    There are many potential reasons for sexual frustration. These could include a lack of sex, unsatisfactory sex, or the inability to achieve orgasm. Understanding the cause may help a person resolve potential issues.

    Lack of sexual partners

    A person may be ready for sex but lack a partner. They may be single or in a long-distance relationship, or they may have a partner who does not want to — or cannot — have sex with them at the moment.

    Unmet expectations

    A sexual partner may impose impossible standards, criticize sexual performance, or want to engage in undesired activities. All of these behaviors may contribute to a person experiencing feelings of frustration, shame, and self-blame.

    Poor communication

    In some cases, the frustration may stem from an inability to communicateTrusted Source sexual needs or expectations.

    Some individuals may not be sexually compatible and may have sizable differences in their sex drives. Openly communicating about their desires may enable sexual partners to negotiate and discuss ways to meet each other’s needs. This can help people become more attuned to their partner’s needs and facilitate more satisfying sex.

    Medical conditions

    A 2016 studyTrusted Source suggests that people with poorer health report lower sexual satisfaction. Poor health and health-related changes such as pregnancy, childbirth, recent surgery, and illness may prevent a person from engaging in sex, which can cause their partner to be frustrated.

    Other medical conditions that may result in sexual problems include:

    Moreover, taking certain medications, such as antidepressants, opioids, birth control pills, and beta-blockers, can negatively affect a person’s libido.

    Body image issues

    A 2018 study indicates that females with genital self-image issues were less likely to engage in vaginal sex. Similarly, a 2017 studyTrusted Source notes that men’s negative attitudes about their genitals also had a direct, negative effect on their sexual satisfaction. As such, they may experience some level of sexual inhibition.

    If a person believes they are experiencing sexual frustration, they may wish to consider other outlets to help release their pent-up sexual energies. This may include:

    • Focusing on health: A person who meets their nonsexual requirements, such as nutrition and sleep, can better focus on meeting their sexual needs.
    • Masturbation: Self-stimulation can help a person release their pent-up physical and mental tension while benefitting from the same hormones released during sex.
    • Connect with friends: People are social creatures and may experience touch starvation that is nonsexual in nature. Meeting with friends may ease a person’s physical cravings for nonsexual intimacy.
    • Exercising: Physical activities can be an excellent way to release energy and also help boost a person’s mood.
    • Initiate sex: People in long-term relationships tend to have less spontaneous sex. A person can initiate sex by simply verbalizing their desire. Even a simple nudge or gesture can be enough to instigate intercourse.
    • Virtual sex: Individuals who cannot be with a partner can explore sexting, video sex, or phone sex. Sending each other nudes can help create feelings of intimacy despite the distance.
    • Communication: Openly expressing sexual needs and desires can help avoid dissatisfaction. A person can show their partner what they enjoy, voice their exact preferences, and plan how to spice things up.
    • Dating: People who wish to enter a relationship or engage in casual sex can use apps, dating sites, and other means to connect with other individuals.
    • Explore and add variety: People can explore their own bodies and their partner’s, use sex toys, and try new positions.
    • Channel the energy elsewhere: Volunteering, beginning a creative project, attending social events, visiting family and friends, or learning a new skill can be good ways to take a person’s mind off sex.
    • Listen to music: Music can improve a person’s mood and ease their frustration, even if they cannot get the sexual need they want at the moment.
    • Take medications: Sometimes, sexual frustration stems from a person’s sexual performance issues, such as erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. Receiving treatment for these can help improve a person’s sexual experience and reduce frustration.

    A 2017 studyTrusted Source of sexual satisfaction in relationships found that males report more significant sexual distress due to their sexual problems, with the highest distress ratings being among older adults. In contrast, females report greater sexual satisfaction. Moreover, the study, which looked primarily at heterosexual couples, reported the following partner effects:

    • Greater sexual distress among male partners causes lower satisfaction in females.
    • Males who find a greater sexual desire discrepancy between themselves and their partners also report lower satisfaction.
    • The more significant the female’s sexual function, the greater the male partner’s sexual satisfaction is.

    In a related 2015 studyTrusted Source, researchers found a discrepancy between a person’s reported sexual dissatisfaction and sexual dysfunction and those perceived by their spouses. The study found that partners were less likely to accurately perceive male sexual problems than female sexual problems.

    A 2020 study notes that bisexual people are more dissatisfied with their sex lives than their heterosexual counterparts.

    Sexual satisfaction is associated with relationship stability and healthy relationships. A 2018 study suggests that having high sexual satisfaction early in the relationship protects against declines in relationship satisfaction for over 20 years.

    A 2019 review notes that a set of intrapersonal, interpersonal, and environmental factors can affect the health of marital relationships. Sexual relationships, along with constructive relationships and communication skills, fall under interpersonal factors in this study.

    If a person’s sexual frustrations begin to affect other areas of their life, they may consider speaking with an expert.

    Regardless of their relationship status, a person can consult a sex therapist for their concerns about sex, body image, intimacy, sexual shame, and sexual frustration. These experts can help individuals express their needs and fantasies and reconcile their mismatched sexual drives with sexual partners.

    Sexual frustration relates to dissatisfaction with sexual experience due to a disparity between sexual desires and reality. It can involve a variety of causes and may manifest differently between individuals. People can take measures both personally and with a partner to overcome these sensations of disconnect and instead encourage a sense of fulfillment.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    What to know about mismatched sex drives

    People in a relationship may differ in how much sex they want. Mismatched sex drives are common but may cause a strain in a relationship if the couple does not learn to manage their differences

    by Rachel Ann Tee-Melegrito

    Every couple experiences situations where one person’s sexual needs do not align with their partner’s. These situations are called sexual interdependence dilemmas.

    Mismatched sex drives, or sex drive discrepancy (SDD), is the most common of these situations.

    A 2017 study even found that around 34% of women and 15% of men report having no interest in sex at all.

    This article explores mismatched sex drives, what causes the issue, how it can affect relationships, and what couples can do to manage the situation.

    Sex drive is the motivation or desire to behave sexually or engage in sexual activities.

    Also called libido, sexual desire is an aspect of a person’s sexuality. It varies from person to person. There is no such thing as a normal sex drive. People’s interest in and desire for sex is different and may change over time.

    Sex drive mismatch is when one person experiences more or less sexual desire compared with their partner.

    Author and researcher Emily Nagoski notes two types of sexual desire in her book.

    Spontaneous sexual desire

    As the name implies, this form of desire happens randomly, with or without stimulation. This desire supports the linear view of sexuality that begins with desire, followed by excitement, finally leading to orgasm.

    Nagoski states that around 70% of men have this type of sexual desire while only about 10–20% of women do.

    Responsive sexual desire

    Some people experience desire as a response to mental or physical stimulation, not from the anticipation of it. Compared with spontaneous desire, responsive sexual desire is more deliberate.

    It occurs after an external stimulus, such as watching a kissing scene on television or a partner touching them. This causes a person to feel a desire for sex.

    People’s sex drives tend to wax and wane. Many factors can affect sex drive.

    Medical factors

    Conditions that affect a person’s hormones, including pregnancy and menopause, can cause changes in a female’s libido.

    Similarly, males produce less testosterone as they age, which can cause a decline in their sex drives.

    Some may have conditions that indirectly affect libido, such as depression. Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) is when a person lacks the desire or motivation to have sex.

    Taking certain medications such as beta-blockers and antidepressants can also negatively affect a person’s libido.

    Aside from medical reasons, other factors can affect a sex drive of a person in a long-term relationship, as outlined in a 2018 systematic reviewTrusted Source.

    Individual factors

    These are factors that reside within the person that can affect sex drive. The following may cause sex drive to change over time:

    • level of attraction
    • understanding among couples that sexual desires fluctuate
    • feelings of having a separate identity from the couple’s identity
    • self-esteem and confidence

    Stress and fatigue may negatively impact sex drives.

    Interpersonal factors

    These are factors that exist within the context of long-term relationships. They include:

    • the couple’s responsiveness to each other
    • perceived compatibility
    • communication
    • relationship satisfaction

    The 2018 reviewTrusted Source also mentioned that sexual desire decreases as the relationship lengthens, but this was only true for women. Emotional intimacy also increases desire, and higher levels of intimacy reduce the likelihood of having low desire.

    Monotony and being overfamiliar with a partner dampen sexual desire.

    Societal factors

    These are societal influences that affect a couple’s sexual desire. These include gender expectations, expectations for couples to participate equally in the relationship, and sexual attitudes that people may consider taboo.

    When people do not address mismatched sex drives, it may lead to an unpleasant relationship dynamic.

    Partners with high sex drives who repeatedly experience rejection may develop low self-esteem and resentment toward their partners, while the people with low sex drives may feel guilty, overwhelmed, and pressured.

    A 2015 study suggests that sex drive discrepancy negatively affects sexual and relational satisfaction. However, these outcomes might be more pronounced in people in long-term relationships compared with those in short-term ones.

    Low sexual satisfaction seems to have a compounding effect on overall satisfaction. While high sexual satisfaction reported by couples contributes to 15–20%Trusted Source of their overall satisfaction, reports of low sexual satisfaction in couples contribute to 50–70%Trusted Source of their overall satisfaction.

    Couples can consider several tips and strategies to reduce the discrepancy and improve their sex lives.

    Be comfortable talking about sex

    While sex can be a sensitive subject, especially when there is a mismatch in libido, talking about it is essential. Respectfully communicating about each other’s feelings, insecurities, desires, and the reason for the low desire can lead to a better understanding of the issue.

    Be understanding

    Even if a partner does not understand the other person’s experience or situation, showing empathy through validation, listening, and withholding judgment can help couples navigate the mismatch better.

    Having a safe space where couples can freely talk about their differences without being critical or defensive can help rekindle the spark.

    Make compromises

    Sometimes, some people are just not as sexual as their partners. A person with low libido can meet their partner halfway by still engaging in sex despite having a low sex drive.

    A 2015 study found that partners with high communal strength or those who are motivated to care about and be more responsive to their partners reported enhanced sexual and relationship satisfaction.

    However, couples willing to compromise are not restricted to sex. They can also consider alternatives.

    In a 2020 studyTrusted Source on couples’ strategies for dealing with differences in sexual desire, masturbation is the most common strategy reported by participants.

    Other alternatives to penetrative sex include oral sex, manual stimulation, and using sex toys on each other. Couples can also engage in activities that may trigger desire, such as watching intimate movies together.

    Redefine sex

    Many couples think that sex is limited to penetration.

    However, oral sex and mutual masturbation are alternatives to penetration that couples can enjoy.

    Schedule it

    Life is hectic. Scheduling sex can help couples plan and work around their schedules, so there are no competing demands to worry about.

    Planning sex can help map out the best time when both people have the most energy. It can also help build anticipation and ensure that both are physically, emotionally, and mentally ready for sex.

    Set the tone

    While sexual intercourse lasts only for a few minutes, the events beforehand are just as important. Aside from kissing and touching, everything else that happens before sex is part of foreplay.

    Making pleasure and satisfaction a part of their whole day can help people’s bodies prepare for sexual pleasure.

    Driving a partner to work, preparing their food, having a thoughtful conversation, and giving them compliments are just some of the things couples can do to set the mood.

    Certified therapists and counselors can help people and couples manage mismatched libidos.

    Couples can locate a certified counselor or therapist near them through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists’ (AASECT) referral directory.

    Alternatively, the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists has over 15,000 marriage and family therapists for married couples who require help with their relationships.

    Couples may also try online platforms such as ReGain to seek couples counseling.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    10 Foods to Eat If You Want a Better Sex Life, According to Experts

    by JOSIE SANTI

    You’ve probably heard about aphrodisiacs like chocolate and strawberries to get you in the mood, but is there really a correlation between nutrition and sex and if so, what are the best foods for sex? While aphrodisiacs are controversial among experts (no, chocolate is not a magical food meant to make you orgasm), many healthy foods contain important nutrients that can affect hormones or increase blood flow to help increase pleasure in the bedroom (or the bathroom, back of your car, with your vibrator–no judgment!).

    But just a reminder that libido is a vital sign—a low sex drive could be the body’s way of communicating that it needs something. Therefore, the question is not just how can we improve our sex drive, but whyis our sex drive lacking in the first place? This list is not meant to replace talking to your doc about finding the root cause for a low libido.

    Also, the most important thing you can do for your pleasure is to eat a healthy diet. Any whole foods like fruits and veggies can be good for the libido since a healthy libido is a sign of a healthy body. However, I asked doctors, nutritionists, and sex experts for specific foods that contain nutrients that are directly correlated to sexual pleasure. The foods they suggested are healthy, whole foods, so they can’t hurt to eat more of (in other words, whether or not they boost sex drive, they’re still good for you). Bottom line: talk to your doctor to improve low libido, eat a balanced and nutritious diet, and feel good about enjoying the 10 foods below, knowing they are expert-approved for spicing up your sex life.

    1. Raw honey

    If you’re deciding between sweeteners to add to your coffee, you might as well choose the one that can help increase libido. “Honey is packed full of natural goodness, including a mineral known as boron,” explained Reda Elmardi, a certified nutritionist, trainer, and editor at thegymgoat.com. “Boron has been found to help strengthen the bones, enhance muscle coordination, promote protein synthesis, and help increase the natural production of testosterone.” Even though we associate testosterone with men (especially bodybuilders), every gender has a combination of sex hormones, and testosterone directly correlates to sex drive. Raw honey (look for organic or manuka varieties) may help increase the natural production of the libido hormone.

    2. Maca

    Maca might not be found in every grocery store like honey, but it’s been used for thousands of years for energy, hormonal balance, and increasing sex drive. Maca is a vegetable that grows in the mountains of Peru and is technically a cruciferous vegetable, but it is most commonly found in the U.S. in the form of a powdered supplement. And according to some studies, there might be some scientific truth to the ancient use.

    “A number of research [studies have] shown that supplementing with maca can increase sexual desire,” suggested Wendy Lord, a registered dietitian and consultant for Sensible Digs. While many studies about sex drive are performed on men (serious eye roll), a 2008 study showed maca decreased sexual dysfunction in postmenopausal women. If you’re interested in trying for yourself, first talk to your doctor about whether or not it’s right for you, and do your research for trustworthy brands.

    3. Berries

    You probably already know berries are good for skin glow and contain fiber for a healthy gut, but some experts swear that they’re the secret to a better sex life. According to Dr. Markus Ploesser, an integrative psychiatrist and longevity expert, berries like strawberries and raspberries contain zinc, which is important for testosterone level regulation (that hormone associated with sex drive).

    “Blueberries contain flavonoids like anthocyanins and proanthocyanidins, which have been shown to improve sexual function,” Elmardi agreed. Elmardi cited a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine that found that people who ate blueberry-rich diets had increased blood flow to the genitalia after only three weeks (and when there’s more blood flow, there’s more pleasure). So what does all of this mean? Berries are a healthy source of antioxidants, phytonutrients, and fiber, so if you’re already a berry fan, keep on adding them to smoothies or eating them with yogurt, knowing you could also be getting sexual health benefits.

    4. Saffron

    Forget thyme and cumin–you’re going to want to cook everything with saffron from now on. It is believed that the delicious spice originated and was first cultivated in Greece, but today the spice is primarily grown in Iran, Greece, Morocco, and India. But lucky for us (and our sex drives), you can find it in most grocery stores. “The chemicals found in saffron have been shown to improve erectile dysfunction in men and increase lubrication for women,” Lord explained. A 2012 study gave women with low sexual desire 30 mg of saffron daily over four weeks and found it reduced sex-related pain and increased sexual desire and lubrication, compared to a placebo. To try for yourself, add the tasty spice to salad dressings, grains, marinades, or roasted veggies.

    5. Oysters

    The slurpy seafood is probably not the go-to food when you think of “sexy,” but oysters have long been known for their aphrodisiac effects. While experts are divided on whether or not there’s any truth to aphrodisiacs, there’s truth to the ones that contain specific nutrients known to improve sex drive. Luckily for shellfish lovers (I had to google if oysters counted as shellfish, TBH), the fancy delicacy does. According to Dr. Ploesser, oysters boost dopamine, which is a neurotransmitter that increases libido. “Oysters are a clichéd aphrodisiac because they contain zinc, which is necessary for the production of prolactin in women,” agreed Candela Valle, the resident nutritionist for MYHIXEL.

    6. Watermelon

    Watermelon is probably your favorite fruit come summer (sorefreshing!), but it has serious benefits year-round. Besides its high water content and nutrients that are beneficial for multiple functions of the body, watermelon is doing wonders for your sex life too. “Watermelon is one of the most effective foods that contain sexually enhanced amino acids (citrulline) that helps blood vessels to relax and improve sex drive,” explained Steve Theunissen, a registered dietitian nutritionist and certified personal trainer. Yes, watermelon is 92 percent water, but the remaining 8 percent is packed with nutrients that can improve sexual health and maintain overall health.

    7. Fenugreek

    Fenugreek originated in India and Northern Africa and dates back to six thousand years ago. Both the seeds and green leaves have been used as a spice in food and herbal medicine to treat various ailments for centuries. Turns out, it’s been boosting sexual health for a long time too. “Fenugreek contains chemicals that have properties similar to estrogen and testosterone,” Lord explained. “Research that looked at the effectiveness of fenugreek for improved sexual desire showed that it is effective in this area for both men and women.” As for why the herb affects libido? One of the reasons is that it’s a good source of zinc, which is an important nutrient related to the health of the sexual organs.

    8. Red wine

    As if we needed another reason to pour ourselves a glass, red wine might be one of the few alcoholic beverages that’s beneficial for libido (and–this may or may not be surprising to you–it’s not the alcohol that can improve your sex life). “Red wine contains quercetin, which might account for the positive response in sex drive,” said Dr. Anderson, Ph.D., a sex and relationship therapist, citing a 2009 study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine that showed one to two glasses of red wine a day increased sexual desire and lubrication in women. “Researchers noted that drinking more than two glasses of red wine daily or indulging in other types of alcoholic beverages did not produce the same results.” Sorry, spicy margaritas–you’re great for Taco Tuesdays, but not for our sex lives.

    9. Garlic

    The key ingredient that makes pasta so delicious is another ingredient that is under-appreciated when it comes to building up sex drive. You might think garlic is a killer for your sex life (no one likes garlic breath…), but the nutrients it contains could be increasing your pleasure by lowering cortisol. Let an expert explain: “Garlic contains a compound known as allicin, which helps to naturally lower levels of a hormone known as cortisol,” Elmardi explained. “Cortisol suppresses the immune system and also suppresses the natural production of testosterone. As the allicin in garlic helps to naturally lower cortisol, this helps to keep your testosterone levels stable.” As long as garlic doesn’t upset your stomach, feel free to eat it as much as you want, as it’s loaded with nutrients that are good for many functions of the body. Maybe just pop a breath mint or two if you’re getting straight to testing out the results.

    10. Avocados

    What can’t Instagram’s favorite fruit do!? Not only do avocados make a mean toast and a delicious pudding (a Kourtney Kardashian favorite, TYVM), but the beloved food is good for so many different functions of the body, including sex drive. “Avocados are high in vitamin E, which is a powerful antioxidant involved in widening blood vessels. As a result, you get a sufficient supply of blood to various parts of the body, including the genitals,” explained Barbara Santini, a psychologist and sex and relationship adviser. Bringing blood flow to the genitals means more of the good sensitivity that results in major pleasure. Try it as a spread on bread, cut up into salads, or made into guacamole.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    What yoni massage is and how to practice it

    by Hana Ames

    Yoni massage is a type of sensual massage. It is one of the tantric practices that aim to create intimate connections between people. People can also practice yoni massage alone as a way to get to know their bodies.

    People often think of tantra synonymously with tantric sex, but sex is only one aspect of tantra.

    Yoni massage is not about sex or foreplay but about getting to know oneself and what feels good.

    This article describes:

    • what yoni massage is
    • its possible benefits
    • how to perform it
    • positions to try
    • where to find out more

    Yoni is the Sanskrit word for vulva or vagina, and it roughly translates as “sacred cave” or “sacred space.”

    Yoni massage is a type of sensual massage that aims to help people feel more comfortable in themselves by exploring and developing their relationship with their body.

    Yoni massage is one of many tantric practices. Tantra yoga, for example, was once a preferred practice in ancient India for enhancing sexual pleasure. Yoni massage can involve some tantric positions.

    A main goal of yoni massage is to help a person feel more in tune with their body and more comfortable in their skin.

    Some proponents believe that practicing this massage one one’s own may help a person work through sexual trauma because it helps a person take control of their sexuality and learn what they enjoy.

    Others might find that practicing yoni massage with a partner enhances the relationship.

    It is important to note that yoni massage has no medical benefits.

    As anecdotal evidence suggests, most people find yoni massage to be an emotional journey rather than a sexual one.

    While some people may orgasm as a result of yoni massage, it is not necessarily the goal and does not need to be an expectation.

    Some people, however, find that it leads to multiple orgasms. This depends entirely on the individual.

    Practitioners say that preparation is key before performing a yoni massage. A person should try to prepare their mind, body, and, importantly, their space.

    Prepare the space

    Choose an inviting area, which may be a bed or the floor. Add plenty of pillows and blankets to make it as comfortable as possible.

    Boost the ambiance by lowering the lights or lighting some candles, which may be scented.

    A person may prefer to perform the massage in silence or with relaxing background sounds or music. Make sure that the temperature is pleasant.

    Prepare the mind

    Set aside enough time to perform yoni massage. It is important not to feel rushed or concerned about the day’s schedule.

    Setting the intention is important when preparing for a yoni massage. Set the intention but do not get too caught up in fixing the intent. It should be flexible.

    Prepare the body

    Posture is important for performing a yoni massage. To have the right posture:

    • Lie down comfortably on the bed, floor, or other chosen space.
    • Gently place a pillow under the head and another under the back.
    • Place the feet gently but firmly on the ground with the knees bent and the legs open.

    Warming up is also important. Breathe in and out slowly, focusing on the inhale and exhale.

    Sensual touching is a great way to warm up for a yoni massage. Involve the breasts, areola, abdomen and belly, upper legs and inner thighs. Massage, touch, and pull on these areas however feels good. Work down the body toward the vulva.

    People may want to use lubricant or massage oils. Make sure that any product will not cause an allergic reaction or disrupt the balance of helpful microorganisms known as the vaginal flora.

    A person should proceed slowly and listen to what their body is telling them and how they are feeling. There should be no time constraints.

    Some very simple techniques to try when practicing yoni massage include:

    Tugging

    1. Gently hold the clitoris between the index finger and thumb.
    2. Tug gently away from the body.
    3. Release.
    4. Repeat with the inner and outer labia and any other areas that feel comfortable.

    Pushing and pulling

    1. Make small, pulsing movements while pushing gently on the clitoris with one or two fingers.
    2. Keep pressure on the clitoris while pulling the finger down the shaft.
    3. Repeat on both sides of the shaft.

    Circling

    1. Using the finger tip, make small circles around the clitoris.
    2. Vary the direction clockwise and counterclockwise.
    3. Swap between the small circles and larger ones, changing the pressure to whatever feels good.

    Rolling

    1. Take some of the inner or outer labia between the middle finger and thumb.
    2. Move the fingers in opposite directions as though trying to snap them together.

    Cupping

    1. Shape the hand into a “cup,” and hold it over the vagina.
    2. Move the hand in a gentle circular motion.
    3. Flatten the hand against the opening of the vagina.
    4. Massage the whole area using the palm of the hand.

    A person can try switching between the various techniques above. Make sure the rest of the body is involved in the massage, as well.

    People may wish to try multiple positions when practicing yoni massage, many of which have their roots in the yogic tradition.

    Lotus position

    A person can assume this position as part of a solo massage or with a partner.

    Alone, sit with the legs crossed and the back straight, resting the palms on the knees.

    With a partner:

    1. One partner sits as above.
    2. Facing them, the second partner sits with their legs wrapped around the first partner’s torso, with their ankles crossed behind the partner.
    3. Breathe together.

    Hand on heart

    1. Sit with the legs crossed and the back straight.
    2. Rest the dominant hand over the heart.
    3. Feel the heartbeat and meditate on the connection, breathing deeply.

    4. As people become more comfortable with yoni massages, they may wish to try out a new technique.

      Edging

      Orgasm is not the primary purpose of tantric practices such as yoni massage. But if a person finds that they are able to climax through yoni massage, they may wish to try what practitioners call “edging.”

      By delaying orgasm, people may find that the experience is more intense when they eventually allow it to happen.

      Edging involves stopping the massage just before climax and having some cooling off time. Then, begin the massage again, stopping just before climax. Repeat this as many times as desired.

      The more a person repeats this process, the greater the pleasure they may experience when they finally allow themselves to reach orgasm.

      People should be aware that yoni massage is not regulated.

      Anyone interested in having someone else perform yoni massage on them should do careful research and look for a reputable practitioner.

      Well regarded instructors in the field include Layla Martin and Sofia Sundari.

      Anyone interested in tantric sex and tantra yoga more generally can find more information at Embody Tantra and Tantra is Love.

      There is no scientific evidence that yoni massage has medical benefits. Anecdotal evidence with a long history suggests that it may provide emotional and spiritual benefits.

      People can perform yoni massage alone or with a partner. Many who do find it to be a very intimate practice.

      Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    What Is the Impact of Casual Sex on Mental Health?

    By Sarah Vanbuskirk

    Depending on the context, casual sex may be celebrated, relished, derided, envied, or stigmatized. Some people consider the activity in a serious way, evaluating all the possible ramifications (emotionally and physically) along with the potential benefits and drawbacks when thinking about having casual sex. Others take the idea of casual sex, well, a bit more casually.

    That said, many people have strong opinions about whether or not it’s a good idea, although these attitudes tend to shift as life circumstances—and relationship statuses—change. However, whether you’re inclined to go with the flow or to consider the topic down to the nitty-gritty, it can be helpful to take a look at the cultural context and potential mental health effects (both positive and negative) that casual sex can have when deciding if it’s right for you.

    What Is Casual Sex?

    Casual sex can be defined in a variety of ways and may mean very different things to different people. However, by and large, casual sex is consensual sex outside of a romantic relationship or marriage, usually without any strings of attachment or expectation of commitment or exclusivity.1 Depending on the situation, the activity is also known as hook-ups, one-night-stands, trysts, booty calls, or friends-with-benefits, among many other euphemisms.

    Casual sex might happen between partners just once or regularly. It may occur between close friends, exes, casual acquaintances, uncommitted dating partners, colleagues, or complete strangers, and might be planned or scheduled in advance or occur spontaneously. In essence, causal sex is a way of having the physical intimacy of sex, outside of the emotional, practical, or romantic components of love or a committed relationship.

    Some people form casual sex relationships periodically, while others do so more frequently and may have one or many partners that they hook up with over the same period of time as a normal part of their lives.

    What Constitutes Casual Sex?

    Casual sex doesn’t necessarily always include intercourse. It might comprise any range of physically intimate activities, such as kissing, oral sex, mutual masturbation, and penetration.

    Casual Sex in Context

    Some people consider casual sex a healthy sexual outlet, akin to regular exercise, or simply as an enjoyable physical experience, possibly enjoyed even more without the expectations, accountability, or pressures of a traditional romantic relationship.

    When it’s engaged in in an emotionally healthy manner, casual sex provides the carnal pleasures of sexual intimacy without the emotional entanglements of a full-fledged relationship.

    For others, casual sex has appeal but managing the emotions, as in not getting attached or feeling dejected or used, or judgments of others gets complicated—and can result in hurt feelings or unrequited longing. Still others find the risks (like getting an infection, sexual assault, or disappointment) are too great and/or feel sex should only occur in a committed or married relationship.

    Cautionary, often sexist, tales are often told, particularly to girls and women. Not too long ago, girls were warned with age-old adages like “they won’t buy the cow if you give away the milk for free,” meant to deter them from compromising their “virtue.”

    In movies, casual sex is often portrayed as fun, no-strings-attached romps resulting in a cheerful, exuberant glow—sometimes leading to romance. Other portrayals end in disappointment, regret, and heartbreak. But how does it play out in real life?

    The truth is that casual can be fantastic or terrible and everything in between.

    For some, sex outside of commitment is considered immoral—or only appropriate for men or “loose” women. Sometimes, these encounters may constitute cheating, as in one or both of the participants is in another relationship. Clearly, stereotypes, assumptions, ethics, experience, and personal beliefs are all at play. Additionally, a few bad (or good) casual sex encounters may drastically skew a person’s perspective on the activity.

    What we can all agree on is that casual (or any) sex carries with it the risks of unplanned pregnancy, contracting sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and physical (or emotional) harm from your partner, particularly one that is not well-known to you. But, in addition to taking stock of moral issues and risk factors, there are mental health ramifications to consider when deciding if casual sex is emotionally healthy for you.

    Beliefs and Stereotypes

    There are historical, religious, and cultural prejudices against casual sex, especially for women, that promote marriage or committed relationships as the most (or only) acceptable venues for sex. In some traditions, sex is considered only appropriate for reproductive purposes, and/or sex for pleasure is taboo. Often, these “rules” have been flouted, with casual sex kept secret, particularly for men, with a variety of repercussions possible (like ruined reputations or ostracization) for those that get caught.

    Women who engage in casual sex have historically (and in some communities, continue to be) demonized for the behavior, labeled as sluts, whores, trash, easy, or worse. Clearly, buying into these harmful, oppressive stereotypes is damaging whether or not you engage in casual sex—and serves to reinforce the sexist idea that it’s wrong for women to enjoy sexual pleasure and experiment sexually outside of romantic love or the bonds of marriage.

    However, with the introduction of safe and effective birth control in the 1960s and the “free love” sexual revolution that followed, the power of these archetypes began to fall away. Still, more conservative notions about sexual freedom and experimentation—as well as traditional views on gender identity and sexual preference—still hold powerful sway among the hearts and minds of some.

    Today, though, many have shaken off, rejected, or modified those traditional ideals to embrace a more expansive range of possible sexual or romantic relationships, including the LGBTQ+ community. Increasingly, noncommitted rendezvouses are viewed as a rite of passage or simply as an enticing sexual outlet.2 It’s more common, too, to believe that everyone should get to define for themselves the types of sexual relationships they want to engage in.

    Potential Benefits and Drawbacks

    The pluses or minuses of causal sex are relative to the situation in question. There may be as many potential benefits (like sexual satisfaction, feeling attractive, or meeting a potential future partner) to casual sex as there are issues to give you pause. Possible drawbacks, such as emotional distress due to wanting more or sexual regret, will vary dramatically from person to person, essentially based on your mindset going into the encounter and personal history and expectations.3

    Some groups attach a lot of societal stigma to casual sex while others are more accepting or enthusiastic about the practice. Each person should consider any underlying shame or other negative feelings they personally might feel or be exposed to and whether those beliefs resonate with them as something to embrace or reject. How likely you are to feel good about the experience before, during, and after is important to consider as well.

    Of course, as noted above, there are notable physical risks of engaging in casual sex, particularly if safe sex practices are not followed, of STIs, unplanned pregnancy, and sexual assault. But the emotional fallout, sometimes completely unexpectedly, can be huge as well, particularly if you are engaging in casual sex as a way to avoid or bury your feelings.4

    Anecdotally, we know that many people enter into these encounters thinking it will all be in good fun, only to end up attached, deflated, upset, or feeling misguided. On the flip side, there are many others who end up pleasantly surprised by their experiences and their ability to enjoy a simply physical liaison.

    Mental Health Effects

    Essentially, some people may be better than others at compartmentalizing their romantic longings from their sexual desires. For others, emotions and touch naturally entwine, making causal sex harder to keep casual, even if that was your intention. Research shows that women tend to have a harder time than men with preventing emotional attachment, and when this happens they are more prone to feeling used, depressed, regretful, or embarrassed after the fact.4

    People may jump in without really thinking about how they’ll feel afterward, only to find they’re left with hurt feelings, remorse, wishing there was more to the relationship, or feeling unfulfilled by the experience. It can be easy to tell yourself that it’s just sex, just for fun, but for some people, it may turn out to be very hard to keep your feelings in check. So, it’s vital to assess expectations honestly.

    Other people may have the opposite issue, where they focus so intently on just keeping the relationship on a physical level, telling themselves that there is nothing else there (or that they don’t want a romantic entanglement), that they may miss the potential for a more lasting, deeper relationship—possibly ending up disappointed later that they didn’t pursue one when they had the chance. Then, there are others who fully relish the just physical thrills of a booty call.

    Sometimes, casual sex relationships exist in a lopsided power dynamic that leaves one or the other partner longing for more (whether simply in frequency or in the type of commitment), while the other keeps it casual. Clearly, this situation is likely to take a toll on the person wanting more. In these cases, there is a bigger potential for self-esteem to take a big hit and for stress, anxiety, self-doubt, or even, depression to occur.5

    Additionally, studies show that post-hookup distress and misgivings are more likely with unprotected sex as well as if an encounter goes further than intended or if either person felt pressured to perform sexual acts that they didn’t want to do.5

    Acting outside more conservative beliefs on causal sex might be liberating for some but end up disappointing, or even traumatic, for others.

    What the Research Says

    Overall, likely because this issue is so personal and influenced by so many factors, research on the mental health effects of causal sex is mixed.6 Some studies have found a correlation between casual sex and a variety of negative mental health consequences like anxiety, sadness, feeling bad about oneself, regret, depression, and poor self-esteem. However, many others have found positive impacts, such as a boost in self-esteem, relaxation, sexual pleasure, and self-awareness.

    In fact, a comprehensive 2020 review of 71 studies generally found a positive emotional outcome from casual sex experiences for most people.6 However, the researchers note that beneficial mental health impacts are not universal and that factors like using alcohol, not knowing one’s partner, and not being sexually satisfied from the encounter can make a negative emotional response more likely.

    Tellingly, many studies have found a stronger positive correlation of negative emotional outcomes for women who engage in more frequent hookups, while men tend to experience the opposite—more casual sex creating more positive feelings.5

    Ultimately, your personal experiences and beliefs on sexuality, gender roles, identity, romance, religion, morality, life purpose, and happiness will inform how you experience and think about casual sex.

    Your own emotional baggage about sex, touch, romance, and sexual identity has the power to turn what might be a positive encounter for one person into a guilt-laden mistake for another. Essentially, it’s different for everyone, and only you can decide what’s right for you.

    Who Is Having Casual Sex?

    While it’s challenging to get exact numbers on the prevalence of casual sex, studies show that the behavior is very common and increasingly socially accepted.2 Interestingly, many teens and young adults seem to favor more casual hookups as a precursor to potential romantic relationships rather than engaging in traditional dating practices. Essentially, experiencing sex as a physical need and a way to vet potential romantic partners.

    Research has found that casual sex is particularly common in adolescence, emerging adulthood, and any time adults are outside of committed relationships. In one study, 40% of respondents in their early 20s reported a recent casual sex encounter. Other research has found that over 50% of 18 to 24-year-olds have indulged in the activity and that of sexually active teens, almost 40% were hooking up rather than within exclusive relationships.5

    Other studies put the rates at over 70% of young adults having casual sex.4 Interestingly, the number of prior sexual partners, level of completed education, alcohol and drug use, and perception of the acceptability of the behavior impact the number of casual sex experiences a person is likely to have. For example, those pursuing college degrees engaged in casual sex less often than those that didn’t finish high school.5

    Another review found that religious belief, high self-esteem, and having married parents decreased the likelihood of the behavior, but that factors like race, socioeconomic status, depression, and being in a romantic relationship did not affect rates of casual sex.3

    In addition to reduced stigma about non-committed sex, the rise of dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, OkCupid, and Coffe Meets Bagel, has given people many more options for dating and casual sex—and to find like-minded partners.

    Is It Right for You?

    Depending on the person, casual sex may feel like a gift, necessary pleasure, happy indulgence, minor regret, or a deep shame. Whether or not you pursue casual sex is a personal choice that is heavily dependent on your life experiences, beliefs, and relationship status as well as how you feel about casual sex itself—and your prospective partner.

    Ultimately, the important thing to know is that there is no right or wrong answer, just what feels best for you. It can help to have an understanding of what the difference or overlap between sex and love is for you—and whether or not you want (or can) keep them separate.

    Sometimes, you might discover how you feel about hookups through trial and error, but even better is to think about what you want and believe regarding your sexuality and sexual activities in order to really know on a deep level what is best for you.

    A good indication that casual sex might be something you’d like is if you feel more excitement and empowerment rather than shame or guilt when thinking of it. Taking proper consent and safe sex precautions is also imperative.

    The type of casual sex you are considering also may impact your enjoyment and comfort level with it as well. For example, anonymous sex might feel hot or lonely—or dirty, in a bad way. Hooking up with an ex or close friend might feel comfortable and safe or boring—or naughty, in a good way. It’s vital to think about consent, too. For casual sex to be a positive experience, you want to be sure that you are doing what you want to do and aren’t feeling pressured (or forced) to engage in anything you don’t.

    Alternatively, sleeping with a platonic friend might get awkward, especially if one of you ends up with romantic feelings that the other doesn’t reciprocate, and sex with a former flame may open a can of worms you’d rather keep shut. Also, if casual sex feels in opposition to your moral beliefs then you may have trouble enjoying it, although you might also discover that your beliefs on uncommitted sex bend as you evolve as a person and as a sexual being.

    The key is honestly assessing how you really feel about the idea of casual sex and what are you truly hoping to get out of the experience. Casual sex might be right for those that want to experience an array of sexual behaviors and relationships before deciding to commit to a monogamous relationship. You may want to explore your own sexuality and desires and might feel more comfortable doing so in a casual setting. If you just simply enjoy hookups (or want to), then go ahead and enjoy.

    Some people’s sexuality is tied tighter to intimate relationships than others who are more comfortable separating their sexual needs and desires from being in love and/or a relationship—and either way of being can be healthy and something to celebrate.

    A Word From Verywell

    Casual sex can be a wonderful thing or it can make you feel guilty, empty, or unsatisfied. You’ll know if it’s emotionally healthy for you if it makes you feel good and good about yourself. If not, you might not be in the right frame of mind to enjoy the experience. Know that everyone is at a different place, which will likely change over time, and that’s OK. There’s no right or wrong here, just what kind of sexual life you want to live.

    While some might leave a carnal encounter feeling depressed, embarrassed, or sad, another may emerge more confident, at peace, fulfilled, or elated. If you’re in the latter camp, you may want to work through feelings of shame or longing—or you might want to stick to sex inside romantic relationships.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    ‘Start low, and go slow’

    — how to talk to your partner about sex

    ‘Make time to talk away from the bedroom, when neither of you are rushed’

    It might be awkward at first, but opening up about your needs and desires can transform your relationship

    By

    Sex is a life-affirming act, one of the most intimate things you can do with another person. But talking about it? So much harder. “You are much more vulnerable talking about sex than doing it,” says Justin Lehmiller, an academic who specialises in sex, love and relationships.

    The good news is, at any stage in your life, you’ll be happier if you open up, say the experts – and your sex life will reap the benefits. As the sexual health charity the FPA advises: “By sharing your likes, dislikes and expectations, you can learn more about how to please each other.”

    Bad communication about sex “is often a sign that you are communicating badly about everything,” says Krystal Woodbridge, a psychosexual and relationship therapist. “If a couple comes to me with a sexual problem, it’s rarely just about that one thing. For example, someone with low desire may have been harbouring 20 years of resentment about something else.”

    Is talking about sex ever a bad idea? “It’s never good to complain about your partner’s performance,” says Cate Campbell, a therapist who specialises in relationship and psychosexual therapy. And always judge your partner’s comfort level, says Lehmiller. “Don’t bring up anything that might threaten them.”

    So where do you start? Here are some tips on how to make your sex talk as helpful, productive and enjoyable as you can.

    Get going straight away

    It’s a good idea to start talking about sex early on in a relationship, says Lehmiller: the longer you wait, the harder it will become. “Establish trust and intimacy first with easier conversations, say about consent or contraception,” he says. “You can then move on to what feels good, and what doesn’t, and go from there.”

    When it comes to sharing fantasies, “start low, and go slow”, he says. “Begin with some tame, vanilla fantasies to see how your partner responds. This will help build trust and intimacy. If you’re in a long-term relationship, you have time. Make sure you tell your partner what role they play in your fantasy, so they don’t feel excluded or threatened.”

    … but it’s never too late to start

    “If years or decades have gone by without a couple really talking about sex, I often suggest an amnesty,” says Woodbridge. “I tell them, forget everything that’s come before.” She tells couples to pretend they’ve never met. This helps them to focus on what they want in their future, rather than what’s happened in their past. Communication can be a real problem for older people, who haven’t grown up with the tools, says Campbell. “If a person is ‘relaunching’ later in life, perhaps after a divorce or the death of a partner, I encourage them to have a good chat about their expectations before jumping into bed with a new person.”

    Open up about your fantasies

    People find it hard to share their sexual fantasies – in fact, only half of us have, says Lehmiller, who surveyed more than 4,000 people for his 2018 book, Tell Me What You Want. But there’s a lot to gain from doing so. “People who discuss their fantasies report the happiest sexual relationships,” he says. “But there’s a lot of shame around them.”

    Lehmiller’s research revealed that 97% of fantasies fall into the same broad categories: multipartner sex; rough sex; novelty and adventure; voyeurism and fetishes; non-monogamous sex; deeper emotional connection; and gender fluidity. “We’re more normal than we think we are,” he says. Sharing our fantasies – whether we act on them or not – is an easy way to introduce novelty into our sex lives. And simply expressing them may be arousing enough.

    Timing is everything

    “It might seem more natural to talk about sex just before or after you’ve had it,” says the FPA, “but talking in the heat of the moment, without your clothes on, might make you feel vulnerable.” Instead, make time away from the bedroom, at a time when neither of you are rushed.

    This doesn’t apply when it comes to sharing your sexual fantasies – best to do this when you’re already turned on, says Lehmiller. “Your disgust response lessens when you’re aroused, so your partner may be more receptive. Break the ice: watch an erotic film, have some wine – find something that gets the ball rolling.”

    Take responsibility for your own pleasure

    “In couples therapy, one of the most effective exercises I do is ask couples to go away and focus purely on their own pleasure, rather than that of their partner,” says Campbell. “That way, they’re not thinking, ‘I’ve got to please this person’. It removes performance anxiety, which is really distracting. It’s transformational: when they do start talking, they have so much more knowledge to share.”

    If you own your experience in this way, she says, it makes it harder to criticise the other person. Woodbridge agrees: “People believe they have the power to give another person an orgasm – they don’t. If you take ownership of your own orgasm, it’s within nobody’s power to “not” give you one.” In this way, it’s harder to blame the other person.

    Be clear – and explain

    Your partner is not a mind reader: if you don’t feel like sex because you’ve just had a coffee and your breath smells, or you’ve just been to the toilet and feel dirty, tell them that, says Campbell. Otherwise they won’t understand why they are being pushed away and will feel rejected. “A question I often ask couples in therapy is, how do you cope with no, and how do you deliver a no?” she says.

    Be positive, not critical

    Use “I” rather than “You” sentences, advises Zoë Bailie at The Mix, a charity that provides support for under-25s. “It’s less accusative, and puts you in control. So, ‘I feel …’ rather than ‘You make me feel …’.” Be nice to your partner, agrees Campbell. “Say, ‘I really like it when …’ rather than ‘Stop doing that’.”

    Always say something positive – something your partner has done that you like, say – before you say something bad, says the FPA (this applies to non-sex conversations too).

    “I call it ‘fact, feelings and fair request’,” says Woodbridge. “So – ‘I’ve noticed that you like …’ or ‘I feel that …’. It gives the other person useful feedback, as opposed to feeling nagged.” Be vocal about what does feel good – sometimes the conversation need go no further than ‘that felt really, really, good – let’s do that again’.

    Listen – and ask questions

    One of the biggest problems in communication is not that people don’t know how to talk, but they don’t know how to listen, says Campbell. “They are so worried about how to avoid hurting themselves or the other person, they spend the whole time thinking about what to say next, rather than really listening.”

    How do you achieve this? “Park your emotional response, and try to be curious, detached and present,” says Woodbridge. “Say to your partner: ‘Tell me more about that.’”

    Try to put yourself in their shoes, she says. “And you must try to accept what you’re hearing. We are hardwired to think that our reality is the only one, and that other perspectives are wrong.” Fix that, she says, and these tricky conversations will become much easier.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    Why Aftercare Is Important After All Kinds Of Sex

    — Not Just BDSM

    By Gigi Engle

    Aftercare is the time a couple devotes to cuddling, talking, and caring for each other after sex. Aftercare is considered essential following BDSM because it ensures both partners feel at ease and ready to rejoin the real world, particularly after intense kink play.

    In my practice as a clinical sexologist, I’m a big proponent of all couples devoting time to post-euphoric aftercare so as to rekindle closeness, regardless of the play they engage in. You may think this is simply “what you do after sex,” but it actually has important implications.

    Aftercare makes for stronger emotional bonds.

    Couples who practice aftercare will naturally develop closer, more intimate bonds with their partners than those who don’t. After sex, we’re particularly vulnerable. We’re naked, we’ve (hopefully) just had an orgasm, and our bodies are awash in oxytocin and dopamine. We need to ensure that positive state of mind continues. “Everyone feels good when they know their partner cares for them, and what better way to show it than tending to them when they are in a vulnerable post-sex state of mind?” says licensed psychotherapist and couples therapist Pam Saffer, LMFT.

    “Prioritizing time [for] aftercare provides space to improve emotional intimacy, sharing and validating positive emotions. It really encourages couples to share open communication and express love [and] kindness toward each other either verbally or through affectionate touch,” adds Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist.

    It doesn’t matter if you’re friends with benefits, in a long-term relationship, a one-night-stand, or married; aftercare is still important. While it may seem odd to engage in aftercare with someone you’re not seriously dating, it’s still important. It’s not about making someone fall in love with you or trying to make a more serious relationship out of something casual. It’s about making sure everyone is cared for with respect and tenderness so that they can leave a sexual experience feeling good about themselves.

    Take some time to connect with your partner and reflect on everything that happened in a positive, kind way. The kind of relationship you’re in doesn’t diminish the need for making sure everyone feels good about the sex that took place.

    It helps relieve underlying sexual shame.

    While sex is not shameful and should be enjoyed (safely) by one and all, it can sometimes bring up feelings of shame due to the sex-negative messages many of us faced growing up. While the logical mind tells us that sex is normal and healthy, our subconscious can store these shameful messages. After sex, after that delicious post-orgasmic high, your body can suddenly unearth the subconscious shame. This might be especially relevant if one or more parties was raised within a conservative or religious background

    “Part of the point of aftercare is to diminish any post-sexual shame, which can be heightened by sex followed by goodbye, leaving a partner to feel you [didn’t care] for them but only [wanted] sexual gratification,” says Gail Saltz, M.D., associate professor of psychiatry at the New York–Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine. “Women, in particular, have been socialized to feel that [sex for] sexual gratification only is a shameful act. It is, of course, not, but nonetheless, being cared for in some way afterward often mitigates those feelings of shame.”

    Aftercare helps to stave off the post-coital blues.

    Have you ever felt like crying after sex? You know, when you have a truly amazing orgasm and then feel sad for no reason? This is called “post-coital dysphoria,” or the post-sex blues. It’s believed to come from the euphoric rush and sudden comedown that follows intense sexual pleasure. It is the brain’s way of recalibrating. Research has shown that nearly half of men and women have experienced PCD at some point in their lives.

    Aftercare is the salve that soothes these sad feelings. “Sometimes people can feel alienated from their partners after the euphoric feelings from sex wear off,” Shaffer explains. “Aftercare routines can help them to feel close in a purposeful way.”

    Have an open and honest discussion about PCD and develop an aftercare routine that makes you feel safe and secure. You might want to cuddle, perhaps you want your partner to stroke your arm, or you might want to have a nice chat or a deeper conversation. “If you know there is something after sex that would make you feel better, then you need to speak up and ask for what you want. Your partner wants you to feel good, and anything they can do in aftercare needs to be communicated and shared with them,” D’Angelo says. 

    The bottom line.

    Sex is very fun, but it can be an emotionally fraught thing in addition to all the pleasures, so we need to take precautions to ensure that everyone walks away from the experience feeling positive and good about themselves.

    Whatever form of aftercare works for you is perfectly fine. Just be sure you have a discussion about it before any sexy time takes place. When it comes to sex, we all deserve to walk out the door afterward feeling emotionally whole and great about ourselves.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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    What’s the Difference Between Ethical Non-Monogamy, Polyamory, and Open Relationships?

    Here’s how to determine what’s right for you.

    By Zachary Zane

    Relationships used to be simpler. Traditionally in the United States, the vast majority of people in relationships were monogamous, whereas the few remaining more “adventurous” couples were in open relationships, meaning they slept with additional folks with the consent and knowledge of their partner.

    That was it.

    Now people aren’t just in open relationships, they’re in polyamorous, swinging, polyfidelitous, and monogamish relationships too. (And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There are even more types of relationship styles out there.)

    Even though the distinctions between these various relationship labels may seem insignificant, they’re necessary to differentiate the important nuances between each type of sexual and romantic connection.

    In this explainer, we’ll break down everything you need to know about the main types of relationships that aren’t monogamous as well as tackle which type of relationship may work best for you and your partner(s).

    Ethical non-monogamy

    Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term for all types of relationships that aren’t monogamous, meaning it includes every single defined term below. The word “ethical” is thrown in to make it abundantly clear that non-monogamy differs from cheating and lying to your partner. In ethically non-monogamous relationships, all partners are aware of the dynamic and consent to their partner(s) either dating or having sex outside of the relationship.

    Open relationship

    Most simply, an open relationship is one where you can sleep with folks outside of your primary relationship or marriage. People in open relationships typically keep their relationships with others strictly sexual. They’re not trying to date or fall in love with another person—although that sometimes can happen—which can complicate things. There are numerous different types of open relationships, and many folks have various “rules” in place to decrease the likelihood of romance with another person. These rules may prohibit sleeping with the same person more than once, sleeping with friends, sleepovers after sex, and sleeping in the bed the couple share. Whereas some open couples prefer to share the details of their sexual encounters, others have a “don’t-ask-don’t-tell” policy. The important thing to note here is that the primary partnership comes first.

    Swinging

    Swinging falls under the larger “open” umbrella, but has more specific guidelines. As Gigi Engle, a certified sex coach and educator, tells Prevention.com: “Swinging is when a committed couple engages in sexual activities with others as a form of recreation, such as a swingers party. A couple may also private swing with another couple. It’s an activity a couple does together and is usually considered part of their shared sex life.” The key here is noting that these couples swing together. They aren’t having sex with others independently, and more often than not, are having experiences at a designated swingers event.

    Monogamish

    Almost a decade ago, relationship and sex columnist Dan Savage coined the word “monogamish” to describe relationships that were, for the most part, monogamous, but allowed for little acts of sexual indiscretion (with the partner’s knowledge). Folks in monogamish relationships don’t often have sex outside the relationship. When they do, it’s usually when one person is out of town for work. The sexual flings with others are, for lack of a better word, meaningless. There’s no emotion involved. I’ve noticed that those in monogamish relationships are much more likely to have a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy than those in an open relationship, where the primary partners are sleeping with outsiders on a more regular basis.

    Polyamorous

    Polyamory comes from the Greek “poly” meaning many and Latin “amor” meaning love. Those who are in a polyamorous relationship have an intimate, romantic, and/or sexual relationship with more than one person. What can complicate things are folks who identify as polyamorous, yet are only romantically involved with one person. These people claim the poly label because they want to make it clear that they are open to the idea of loving more than one person at a time—and so too are their partners. They may also be actively dating other individuals, however, at the present moment, they’re currently only in a serious relationship with one person.

    Polyamorous is different than polygamy, and as someone who identifies as polyamorous, we don’t like it when people conflate the two terms.

    Polyamorous is different than polygamy, and as someone who identifies as polyamorous, I can tell you confidently that we don’t like it when people wrongfully conflate the two terms.

    Polygamy is specifically when one man marries multiple women or vice-a-versa. Typically, however, it refers to the former, whereas polyandry would refer to when one woman has multiple husbands. Polygamy is rooted in a toxic patriarchy, where the man exerts his dominance over women, whereas polyamory (when done correctly) is egalitarian. That’s why individuals in polyamorous relationships typically loathe the conflation between the two.

    Hierarchical polyamory

    A specific subset of polyamory, those in hierarchical poly actually have a ranking system among their relationships. At the top is the person’s primary partner. Usually those practicing hierarchical poly live with that person, share resources, make decisions together, and they’ve been partners for a long period of time. Secondary partners are, well, secondary. They tend to get less time and resources from their partner. Primary partners also may have “veto power” prohibiting their partner from dating or seeing a specific person.

    Many polyamorous folks aren’t fans of hierarchical poly because who wants to be considered a second or third priority? In the past, I know I’ve explained to folks that I have a boyfriend, but also date other people, which, in my mind, illustrates the same notion of hierarchical poly without the formality. However, folks who prefer hierarchical poly like the fact that there are clear expectations that come with the hierarchy, which can make the relationship(s) easier. If there’s ever a conflict, everyone knows the main person will side with his or her primary partner. That’s to be expected.

    “Having a hierarchical poly relationship may be attractive in all the large parts it entails,” explains Engle. “You have a primary partner—one you can come home to and have a solid, ‘normal’ life with, as well as a secondary partner you can date, love, and have an entirely different kind of relationship with. It also helps to combat jealousy by knowing that if you’re the primary partner, you’re going to be the most important person in their life.”

    Polyfidelity

    Last but certainly not least is polyfidelity, where you have a romantic and sexual relationship where all members are considered equal partners and agree to limit sexual and romantic activities to only those in the group. People will also simply call this a “closed triad” or “closed quad” depending how many people are in the polyfidelitous relationship.

    “People often think if you’re in a triad, you must be open to [dating and sleeping with] everyone, and this simply isn’t the case. It may be in some triads, but certainly not all,” explains Engle.

    So, which type of ethically non-monogamous relationship is right for you?

    Each ethical non-monogamous relationship style has its strengths and weakness, which is why it’s necessary to discuss with your partner what it is specifically you’re looking to get out of a being romantically and or/sexually involved with others. If you’re looking to spice up your sex life but you feel fulfilled romantically—perhaps swinging or a monogamish relationship would suits you best. If you have so much love to give and want to bring in another person to love and support, perhaps a polyfidelity or another form of polyamory is right for you and your partner(s).

    “Since poly relationships are so outside of the ‘normal’ relationship styles we accept as a society, a lot of couples, triads, and individuals are in a position to create their own terms and agreements,” says Engle. “It isn’t like sexual monogamy, wherein two people are expected to default to total emotional and sexual monogamy. There are layers and grey areas in polyamory that are being negotiated between all parties involved.”

    With ethical non-monogamy, things can also change over time. What starts as an open relationship can evolve into a polyamorous one. Or, after years of being polyamorous, you and your partner can decide you’d like to go back to being monogamous, or something else entirely. The key is being open about what it is you want and embracing all the beautiful changes that may influence your relationship as both you and your partner(s) grow together over time.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!