Tag: sex and relationship advice

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Men Have Low Sexual Desire, Too

By Gigi Engle

There is a common belief that cisgender female people enjoy sex less than men. Our social scripts dictate that a low desire for sex is entirely a cis-female problem. Cisgender male people, on the other hand, are expected to be insatiable sex machines, always down to get it on.

Here’s the tea, my curious folx: It’s not just a female problem.

We believe it’s important to note that our social conventions don’t take gender-fluid, non-binary, or transgender people into account because these conventions are driven by backward, heteronormative ideas. We’re not, in any way, trying to leave people out. Low desire can happen in literally anyone with any body parts.

This is an everyone-problem. Men and people with penises suffer from this bullshit script, too. If you’re expected to be this sex-crazed monster, you’re bound to feel messed up about it. “It can lead [cisgender men] to [feel] incredible shame, to questioning their masculinity and whether they are enough for their partner/s,” Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, tells TheBody.

Assigned male at birth (AMAB) people aren’t encouraged to be open about this because it isn’t acceptable for a cis-male person to have low desire.

Let’s separate the facts from the myths because we all deserve the amazing, vibrant sex lives we want. There’s no shame in the game.

Understanding the Complexity of Desire

Understanding low desire means understanding how desire actually works. Desire is born out of complex and interconnected bio-psycho-social factors. This refers to the subjective and universal experiences each person faces. They are different for everyone because everyone has different experiences, relationships, and biological factors that influence their lives.

Let’s strip down bio-psycho-social to its bones: Our desire, or lack thereof, is influenced by our biology: health, age, sexual anatomy, abilities, etc; our psychology (psycho): individual psychology, beliefs, values, and emotions; and social factors: cultural context, social context, and our relationships with other people.

Desire is rarely something that just “happens.” It is something that develops out of a complex, psychologically driven context. “Often your libido can be like the ‘canary in the coal mine’ of what is happening in your overall health and well-being and could be a sign that you are under severe stress or burnout,” Rowett says. “It can also happen for emotional reasons, like problems in the relationship, feeling frustrated and turned off by their partner, or past trauma that has not been resolved.” (For more information on how desire can be impacted by our minds, check out these articles here and here).

The idea that “male sexuality is seen as biologically driven, autonomous, spontaneous, [that] those with penises don’t have to do anything to get a hard-on” really does a massive disservice to AMAB people, Jordan Dixon, a clinical sex and relationships psychotherapist, tells TheBody. We need to do away with these harmful myths and be willing to openly embrace our vulnerabilities to find common ground.

Misinformation About Low Libido Can Be Harmful

The falsities around AMAB desire are seriously detrimental to everyone. We talk a lot about how society’s messaging messes with cisgender women, but this leaves cis-men confused and in the dark.

What’s more, cis-men are encouraged to hide their emotions and never talk about their struggles—which only further compounds this issue. If you can’t talk about how you’re being impacted by low desire because you’re not supposed to have it and not supposed to talk about it or seek help, you’re pretty screwed (and not in a good way).

Trying to simplify AMAB desire into the tiny box that sees male desire as “always on, raw, natural, and including rock-hard penises” is detrimental to everyone. It is “disempowering [to cisgender women] and pressur[es] men to act as unemotional machines, focused purely on their ‘performance,’” rather than the pleasure, Dixon tells us.

The shame cycle that this ignites will only add further stress to someone who experiences low desire. This will, in turn, lead to further exacerbating their low desire. If you don’t break out of this toxic cycle, you won’t be able to change it.

How to Handle Low Desire in a World That Loves Toxic Masculinity

“If you are a male and struggling with low desire, remember that you are not the only one, and it is far more common than you think,” Rowett says. Cisgender men feel alone, broken, and isolated because there are essentially zero cultural representations of low male desire in our toxic masculine world.

It’s not about solving low desire by focusing on how to “fix the penis.” It’s about understanding the whole human person in front of us, Dixon explains. “Difficult feelings or sensations may have valuable messages,” she says. We need to invite AMAB people to explore “the messages their penises are giving them.” Some realize that, in contrast to their own desire to be accommodating, their penises are angry at being expected to perform and want prior attention. By voicing their own needs and wants, AMAB people have an opportunity to heal their wounds and, in doing so, cultivate more desire.

Through clinically approved exercises such as self-focus, meditation, and mindfulness, clients can explore past sexual shame, damaging cultural messages, and personal roadblocks to their libido. If low libido negatively impacts your life, seeing a qualified sexologist, sex coach, or sex therapist can be hugely impactful. These are professionals whose job is to work with sexual blockages and help you have the sex life you want.

At the end of the day, the only way we can rid ourselves of the harmful lies that shackle us is through education and communication. We need to be willing to be radically vulnerable to be free from toxic masculine double standards. Talking about it, joining together, and finding our community can truly set us free.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What to do when body image is affecting your sex life

Actionable steps to help you get in the mood.

By Rachel Thompson

Rifling through a chest of drawers, I found an old photograph that I’d hidden in the hope I’d never again have to set eyes on it. It was taken 15 years ago on a beach in France, and I was wearing a bikini.

Back then, the photos had arrived on my doormat after I’d sent off the film to be developed. As I shuffled through them, the image of my semi-naked self immediately set off a spiral of self-loathing. I couldn’t bear to look at my body. Even with the photo stowed out of sight, those negative thoughts about my body followed me around like a shadow for another decade and a half.

These thoughts convinced me I did not deserve to be loved or even looked at. With those feelings came a distinct lack of interest in showing my body to another human — someone who could possibly see me in a state of undress and confirm everything negative emotion I’d ever felt about myself.

My body image is my sex life’s worst enemy. It is the voice in my head telling me that I need to lose weight before I go on dates. It is the seed of doubt when I notice someone looking at me in a bar. It is the thought that whirrs in my mind when I’m in bed with someone, drowning out any thoughts of pleasure.

During a recent sexual dry spell — brought on by an episode of extremely low self-esteem — I realised the one thing standing in the way of a fun and fulfilling sex life was my own brain. I had a choice: Did I want to live my life hiding out of sight because glossy magazines, billboards, and my unkind classmates in high school made me feel unloveable? Then came the question: How do I go about dismantling the destructive feelings I’ve had about myself for most my life?

Research suggests that women with poor body image derive less satisfaction from sex due to distracting thoughts about their bodies. Furthermore, women with body image issues are less likely to initiate sex. Short of spending your whole life having unsatisfying sex and never initiating sex, there are tangible, actionable things you can do to try to have better sex more often. According to sex educators, counsellors, fat acceptance activists, and authors, here are some techniques that might help…

Try positive affirmations during sex

For much of my adult life, there have been certain sexual positions I was reluctant to try because I was worried how my body might look from a certain angle. Lisa Williams and Anniki Sommerville from the Hotbed Collective wrote about this very issue in their aptly titled book More Orgasms Please: Why Female Pleasure Matters. “If body confidence is an issue for you, we would like you to try this exercise,” they wrote. “When you are next having sex, for every negative thought you have about your looks, we’d like you to come up with a positive affirmation instead.”

“This could be a nice thing about your appearance (if you really struggle with this, ask a friend to help you: we can be so much nicer to each other than we are to ourselves), or something about how the sex makes your body feel rather than what you look like,” they continued.

Williams and Sommerville recommend replacing a negative thought like “my bum is too big” with a positive affirmation like “I love it when I’m kissed along the knicker line.” They suggest switching “I need to lose weight” with “I love how my hips and waist look when I lie on my side.” “My scars are ugly” can be countered with “this person is in bed with me because of who I am.”

Identify where your body image issues come from

If you think long and hard about where that very first twinge of self-loathing came from, it’s likely those thoughts didn’t just magically appear out of nowhere. Stephanie Healey — psychotherapist and sex educator — told Mashable to “start by unpicking the kind of body image/self esteem issues that people are having and figure out when that started and whose voice that is (the inner critic, is that a parent or a teacher or an ex partner etc).”

In her book Happy Fat, comedian and fat activist Sofie Hagen wrote that “we received negative messages about bodies on a — dare I say — hourly basis.” “From the adverts on television, public transport, social media, all telling women to buy a certain product to become ‘better,’ to have smoother skin, shinier hair, a smaller waistline, redder lips, […],” she wrote.

On Elizabeth Day’s How To Fail podcast, author Marian Keyes spoke about how sexism and capitalism intersect to “teach women to hate themselves.” “When I am overweight, which is a lot of the time, I feel ashamed asking for what I want,” she said. “I have been taught that if I’m not skinny then I am greedy, I am out of control, that I am to be mocked, that I’m a figure of fun. This is all in my head, but I didn’t get those messages from no place,” she continued. “I have learnt to despise myself,” Keyes added.

Remind yourself that all bodies are hot

Flo Perry, author of How To Have Feminist Sex, told Mashable that mainstream media presents us with “such a narrow definition of what is an ‘attractive’ body.” “It can be useful to remember that in reality people find all kinds of bodies hot,” Perry added.

“Click off the front page of Pornhub even and you’re bound to find videos amateurs have uploaded with bodies just like yours with millions of views. There are people all around the country right now jacking off to your typical mum-bod.” 

Follow people who look like you

Is your Instagram feed full of photos that don’t look like you? Does it make you feel shit every time you scroll? Consider curating your social feeds with people who look like you and who are actively embracing their bodies. Perry suggests following “people on social media that look like you that are further along their body positivity journey.””Whatever you look like there will be someone who looks like you on instagram posting beautifully shot hot pictures of themselves,” she said. “If you fill your feed with these pictures you’re bound to feel more sexy.”

Hagen recommended following the Adipositivity Project, which is a collection of beautiful nude portraits of fat people that aims to change “commonly accepted notions of a narrow and specific beauty ideal.”

If you watch porn, think about the types of bodies you’re seeing on a regular basis. Healey said “mainstream free access porn content has a certain look and body type, and I’d encourage other images such as MakeLoveNotPorn to see a wider range of bodies being sexual.”

Cull social media accounts that make you feel bad

In curating your feed with glorious, gorgeous bodies that look just like yours, try to pinpoint which accounts are making you feel bad about yourself and unfollow all of them. Do not feel bad. If it’s a friend who posts constant #thinspo posts or weight loss before-and-after pics, put your own wellbeing first: Hit mute, unfollow, block.

Hugo Minchin — counsellor and co-founder of Talk to the Rainbow, the centre for LGBTQ+ therapy in Bristol — told Mashable social media is “full of idealised portraits of picture-perfect human beings.” “Comparing oneself to a fitness model, a porn star, or an influencer is unrealistic. We are all unique and ultimately self-esteem starts with yourself,” Minchin added.

Relationship expert at eharmony Rachael Lloyd recommended reminding yourself that social media isn’t real. “It’s important to take a step back and realise your friend’s social media posts are the airbrushed life she wants you to see – rather than the full picture,” said Lloyd. “Always bear in mind that this filtered lifestyle isn’t an achievable goal and aiming for those dizzying, like-induced highs is unrealistic.”

Don’t posture and perform during sex

Watching porn or any on-screen depictions of sex can leave us with deep-set notions about what sex should look like and specifically how our bodies should look when we’re in the throes of passion. Williams and Sommerville hit the nail on the head in More Orgasms Please: “[S]creen sex will make you believe that you have to fling yourself around the room naked, or dress up as Catwoman. While both these things are great if you have the whim, great sex can still happen under a duvet in the dark.”

If it feels difficult to unlearn the sex poses that mainstream pop culture and porn have ingrained in our minds, start out with self-sex (aka masturbation). Not every position you use to masturbate needs to be like the ones you see in porn.

Have a go at mindful sex

Thoughts about your body can be extremely distracting during sex.

Sex expert Kate Moyle at sex toy company LELO advocates trying mindful sex or ‘mindsex’ techniques. This can involve “taking your attention back to the pleasurable physical sensations that you are experiencing.”

“You only have a certain amount of attention available at any one time, so if you are anxious this will interrupt your physical experience,” Moyle added.

Williams and Sommerville gave some practical tips for this: “Focus on the orgasm and not on what you look like. Think about your breathing, squeeze and release your pelvic floor, tweak your own nipples, concentrate on each sensation, notice how your partner’s skin feels, think about every move the two of you are making and how they feel,” they wrote.

Share a sexual fantasy

Almaz Ohene — sexual health education facilitator at Sexplain — advised writing “a sexy story” with your sexual partner. Tapping into your creativity and creating a story about the two of you “can be a way of sharing some steamy moments together without having to get physical,” said Ohene.

“Think about the sexy experiences you’ve had together and take things from there. In a few sentences, describe the characters and whose perspective we’re hearing it from,” Ohene said. “Describe where the story will take place and any plot-driving details. You can take the story in whatever direction you like – which means it’s also a low risk way of revealing some of your desires,” she said. “You just might find yourselves trying out some of thing things on the page, once you’re back in the swing of physical sex acts again.” 

One thing I wish I’d known when I first hid that photo of myself: You do not need to lose weight in order to be desirable. We are all worthy of sex, pleasure, and attention.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is Sexual Aftercare?

By Natasha Weiss

We talk a lot about foreplay and what happens during sex, but what we don’t talk about enough is what happens after.

Aftercare is a broad term for how you and your partner support each other and check-in after you’ve had sex. 

Sex can ramp us up and leave us with all sorts of emotions. We may feel energized, or drained – or both. Some people feel exposed and vulnerable, or like their nervous system is ramped up. 

This practice gives you and your partner a chance to regulate, and deepen your relationship.

Sexual aftercare should be thought of as part of your sexual experience, much like foreplay, versus a separate thing after, that may feel like a chore. It’s essential for a healthy dynamic. 

The goal of aftercare is for all parties involved to feel safe and seen, while leaving space to discuss anything that came up during sex.

A Gift from Kink

What is sexual aftercare? The term aftercare comes from the kink community.

Depending on what your flavor of kink is, some minor injuries can occur, which need to be attended to.

The other reason people in the kink world advocate for aftercare is to help support people in any hormonal drops that can occur after such an intimate or intense experience. When adrenaline, cortisol, or oxytocin levels surge, they will also drop. Some people may experience anxiety, shame, or mixed emotions afterward.

Aftercare helps to ease the hormonal crash and helps people to integrate their experiences.

Aftercare for Everyone

Kink can encompass so many things, and even if you don’t incorporate it into your sex life, aftercare is just as important for you.

Aftercare tends to your physical, emotional, and mental needs. Some people may want to add spiritual needs to that list.

While these tips aren’t necessarily exclusive to physical or mental and emotional, here’s a breakdown of some helpful tools to incorporate into your aftercare routine.

Physical Aftercare

First, you’ll most likely want to tend to the physical.

This means rehydrating, and peeing of course to prevent a UTI. For people with vaginas, especially if you are prone to yeast infections, you may want to take whatever measures are needed to avoid irritation. Cleaning up yourself, and any toys used helps to lessen your risk of infection.

What other ways can you nourish your bodies?

You can try a nice calming tea, having a snack, or ordering a hearty meal. One of my favorites is to place an order for delivery and take a steamy shower together while we wait for our feast.

Some people may need space and time apart, while others will want to continue their physical connection by massaging each other, cuddling, and kissing. Both are beautiful, but it’s important to try to manage both partner’s needs. Note that taking space does not mean someone who intentionally avoids connection by rushing out the door, and reaching for a distraction in order to avoid aftercare.

If you know there’s something you or your partner will need afterward, like say chocolate, then try to plan ahead of time.

Mental and Emotional

Physical aftercare feeds into mental and emotional, but they are all equally important.

Some partners benefit from talking about their experience and giving each other positive reinforcement. This can even be a form of sexy pillow talk, where you boost each other up for the fine work you just did.

Hanging out and being mellow is also aftercare! Putting on an uplifting movie, dancing around to romantic tunes, and just basking in each other’s company are all ways to support each other after having sex.

Some people assume that sexual aftercare starts after one or both parties orgasm. Orgasms do not have to be the focus of your sexual encounters, and they are not necessary before engaging in aftercare.

Understanding the importance of aftercare makes sex less goal-oriented, and more about honoring everyone’s needs, and the dynamic of the relationship.

To Each Their Own

You may have a set aftercare routine with your partner that works for you, that’s awesome. Some people want more fluidity and gauge their needs in the moment.

Sexual aftercare is especially important for people who have sexual trauma PTSD – who experienced sexual trauma or abuse in the past. Sex after trauma can be triggering, and survivors may tend to withdraw or dissociate during or after sex. Aftercare gives them sexual trauma therapy which allows them to ground down and be held in a safe, supportive space.

Aftercare can look different for everyone, there’s no one right way to do it. What’s most important is that everyone’s needs are being met, especially if someone is feeling especially vulnerable or exposed.

Solo people or long-distance partners can also benefit from aftercare. Try it yourself next time you have a solo sex session!

Aftercare is important for so many different reasons, but it’s vital to creating a holistic sexual experience, and for deepening intimacy. You and your partner, or partners, deserve to be showered with kindness, affection, and understanding after a sexual experience. Aftercare makes space for all that and more.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Senior sex

— Tips for older men

What you can do to maintain a healthy and enjoyable sex life as you grow older.

By Mayo Clinic Staff

As you age, sex isn’t the same as it was in your 20s — but it can still be satisfying. Contrary to common myths, sex isn’t just for the young. Many seniors continue to enjoy their sexuality into their 80s and beyond.

A healthy sex life not only is fulfilling, but also is good for other aspects of your life, including your physical health and self-esteem.

Senior sex: What changes as men get older?

As men age, testosterone levels decline and changes in sexual function are common. These physiological changes can include:

  • A need for more stimulation to achieve and maintain erection and orgasm
  • Shorter orgasms
  • Less forceful ejaculation and less semen ejaculated
  • Longer time needed to achieve another erection after ejaculation

You may feel some anxiety about these changes, but remember they don’t have to end your enjoyment of sex. Adapting to your changing body can help you maintain a healthy and satisfying sex life. For example, you may need to adjust your sexual routine to include more stimulation to become aroused.

Senior sex and health problems

Your health can have a big impact on your sex life and sexual performance. Poor health or chronic health conditions, such as heart disease or arthritis, make sex and intimacy more challenging.

Certain surgeries and many medications, such as blood pressure medications, antihistamines, antidepressants and acid-blocking drugs, can affect sexual function.

But don’t give up. You and your partner can experiment with ways to adapt to your limitations.

For example, if you’re worried about having sex after a heart attack, talk with your doctor about your concerns. If arthritis pain is a problem, try different sexual positions or try using heat to alleviate joint pain before or after sexual activity.

Stay positive and focus on ways of being sexual and intimate that work for you and your partner.

Senior sex and emotional issues

At any age, emotional issues can affect your sexuality. Many older couples report greater satisfaction with their sex life because they have fewer distractions, more time and privacy, and no worries about pregnancy.

On the other hand, some older adults feel stressed by health problems, financial concerns and other lifestyle changes. Depression can decrease your desire for and interest in sex. If you feel you might be depressed, talk to your doctor or a counselor.

Senior sex tips

Sex may not be the same for you or your partner as it was when you were younger. But sex and intimacy can continue to be a rewarding part of your life. Here are some tips for maintaining a healthy and enjoyable sex life:

  • Talk with your partner. Even if it’s difficult to talk about sex, openly sharing your needs, desires and concerns can help you both enjoy sex and intimacy more.
  • Visit your doctor. Your doctor can help you manage chronic conditions and medications that affect your sex life. If you have trouble maintaining an erection, ask your doctor about treatments.
  • See a sex therapist. A therapist may be able to help you and your partner with specific concerns. Ask your doctor for a referral.
  • Expand your definition of sex. Intercourse is only one way to have a fulfilling sex life. Touching, kissing and other intimate contact can be rewarding for you and your partner.

    As you age, it’s normal for you and your partner to have different sexual abilities and needs. Be open to finding new ways to enjoy sexual contact and intimacy.

  • Adapt your routine. Simple changes can improve your sex life. Change the time of day you have sex to a time when you have the most energy. Try the morning — when you’re refreshed from a good night’s sleep — rather than at the end of a long day.

    Because it might take longer for you or your partner to become aroused, take more time to set the stage for romance. Try a new sexual position or explore other ways of connecting romantically and sexually.

  • Don’t give up on romance. If you’ve lost your partner, it can be difficult to imagine starting another relationship — but socializing is well worth the effort for many single seniors. No one outgrows the need for emotional closeness and intimacy.

    If you start an intimate relationship with a new partner, use a condom. Many older adults are unaware that they are still at risk of sexually transmitted infections, such as herpes and gonorrhea.

One final piece of advice for maintaining a healthy sex life: Take care of yourself and stay as healthy as you can:

  • Eat a healthy diet.
  • Exercise regularly.
  • Don’t drink too much alcohol.
  • Don’t smoke.

See your doctor regularly, especially if you have chronic health conditions or take prescription medications.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to define the rules of an open relationship

Set some ground rules about sex, what you can talk about, and what you want your families to know

By

Open relationships are all about freedom – but that doesn’t mean you don’t also have to set some ground rules.

Entering into an open relationship, or opening up an existing relationship, is not a decision that should be made lightly. It takes some serious consideration, and part of that should probably include establishing some ground rules.

This isn’t about stifling anyone’s freedom, or closing off possibilities, but instead it’s about maintaining trust and respect with your partner as you both explore the option of entering into physical and emotional interactions with other people.

‘Going into an open relationship and a sudden change in relationship dynamic can lead to discrepancies when rules and boundaries haven’t been made clear,’ Ness Cooper, a clinical sexologist who works as a sex and relationship coach, tells Metro.co.uk.

‘It can be easy to overstep without realising, which in turn can jeopardise the safety of the relationship.’

Jealousy, insecurity and a feeling of lack of control can all rear their ugly heads when you step away from monogamy and try something different. But it doesn’t have to be difficult, toxic or doomed to fail.

Ness says that, as with so many things in relationships, good communication is key.

‘Setting time aside to have a conversation around setting relationships ground rules is important,’ says Ness. ‘Avoiding discussions like these after conflicts is key, as when in a heightened emotional state it can become easy to set unrealistic or unfair rules and boundaries.’

Ness says it’s also crucially important to remember to check-in with each other regularly, because even open relationship dynamics can change based on your experiences.

‘Sometimes, certain rules will need altering to make sure you both continue to feel safe within your primary relationship,’ says Ness.

‘Discuss not just the emotional concerns that open relationships can have, but also the physical.’

Why are rules and boundaries important in an open relationship?

While complete freedom may be appealing, without any kind of principles to guide you, it could descend into chaos quite quickly.

Ness agrees that rules are important because they give you the structure to explore things safely.

‘As soon as safety leaves a relationship dynamic it can be very difficult to grow further within that relationship due to the possibility of negative emotions arising and conflicts,’ she says.

‘Rules can help navigate emotions such as jealously and envy in a healthy way.

‘Jealously and envy can happen even when rules have been set within an open relationship, and it’s how couples navigate these in a healthy way that makes a big difference to their relationship.’

What ground rules should you set?

Every couple will have their own way of approaching this, and their own limits and boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable in their relationship.

So, you need to find what works for you. But don’t be afraid to get into the details.

‘Rules around the type of sex you can and cannot have with people outside of your main relationship can be very important, and how you both can stay safe when it comes to using barriers and contraception,’ says Ness.

‘Physical safety of meeting-up with others is important too and you may decide that you shouldn’t meet up with others in certain locations to avoid conflicts from peers.’

‘Rules around the type of sex you can and cannot have with people outside of your main relationship can be very important’

Ness also suggests looking on open relationship dating apps to see what other couples have put as basic ground rules on their profiles.

‘Talk about these with your partner and whether or not they fit with your relationships goals, wants, and needs,’ says Ness.

‘Listen to your partner and how they interpret and express rules. This is important as it can be easy to see how you interpret rules, rather than listen to your partner’s interpretations.

‘We all have different outlooks on rules and boundaries. Listening to your partners interpretations will not only help you understand how to follow rules and boundaries you both make; it will also show that you are present within your main relationship and there for each other.’

Additionally, Ness says you should think about creating rules around what you’re both allowed to talk about.

‘Some open relationships don’t want to hear the details of dates that happen with others, and other open relationships will want to talk about everything,’ Ness says. ‘It can vary greatly, and learning what both you and your partner are comfortable with discussing is important.

‘Rules on how to deal with what you share with peers and family members are important too. Everyone has different relationships with their friends and family and some may want to keep their open relationship status private.’

What if you have different ideas about what the rules should be?

It’s completely normal to have different understandings of rules and boundaries, as a result, Ness says discussion about these differences is very important for couples.

‘The end result of setting rules isn’t always about having the same understanding of them completely, it’s more about maintaining and sharing the end goal and beliefs that the rules are supporting,’ Ness explains.

‘If your relationship’s internal goals and beliefs are extremely mismatched, then it could be a sign that you both want completely different styles of open relationship dynamics, which can lead to conflict.’

So, working out how you both can bring your end goals into alignment when it comes to opening up a relationship can really help – this may involve a lot of talking it out.

‘Discussing and sharing why some differences may be there, can help you both get to know each other on a deeper level and will help you form any compromises needed when setting rules for an open relationship,’ says Ness.

‘If you’re unable to accept your partner’s perspective on open relationships then no amount of rules will help to change that.

‘If you still want to workout how to add an open relationship into your relationship dynamic then seeking advice from a sex and relationship coach or therapist can help.’

How to make sure those rules are followed by both parties

Ness says it’s important to have an understanding that in an open relationship, following rules to the letter in every situation may not be possible. So you have to have a degree of flexibility and understanding.

‘Understand that rules, whilst important, can be influenced greatly by situations at the time,’ she says. ‘Not only have you both agreed on set rules, there will be other people entering into the relationship (even if that’s in a casual manner), who will have their own understanding of your rules and may interpret them differently.

‘Individuals who enter your relationship too will also bring their own rules and expectations.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The G-Spot Doesn’t Exist

By ELIZABETH KIEFER

Once upon a time, that time being 1982, there was sex. And then, suddenly, there was sex.

The difference? A teensy half-inch ribbed nub on the upper front wall of your vagina. Scientists—and magazines (hi) and books and sex-toy companies and movies and TV shows and your roommates and your sex-ed teacher—reported that it was a universal key to The Mysterious Female Orgasm. And thus began the era when you were supposed to be able to say “it blew my mind” to your girlfriends at brunch.

Or was it three inches wide? Farther down, near your vulva? Slick instead of ribbed? Kinda springy to the touch?

Whatever, it was it. And fuck if we all didn’t work hard to find our own. Back in 1982, Cosmo told women to get there by “squatting” so it would be easier “to stick one or two fingers inside the vagina” and make the necessary “come-hither motion.” A 2020 Google search turns up thousands of road maps (“where is the G-spot?” has been searched more times than Michaels Jordan and Jackson). That cute-adjacent guy you slept with in college tried the classic pile-drive maneuver, to middling success.

But it must not matter, because the G-spot economy is booming: G-spot vibrators, G-spot condoms, G-spot lube, G-spot workshops, and, for the particularly daring and/or Goop-inspired, $1,800 G-spot shots meant to plump yours for extra pleasure.

Hell, even Merriam-Webster is in on it: The G-spot is a “highly erogenous mass of tissue” in every dictionary it prints.

So then why, when we talked to the woman who helped “discover” it, did she tell us we’ve all been obsessed with the wrong thing?

That woman is Beverly Whipple, PhD. She and a team of researchers officially coined the term “G-spot” in the early ’80s. They named the thing, which they described as a “sensitive” “small bean,” for German researcher Ernst Gräfenberg (yeah, a dude). And just like that, your most frustrating fake body part was born.

ACCORDING TO OUR SURVEY, 11%

of women have avoided sex because they can’t find their G-spot.

Honestly, it all got out of hand from there, says Whipple. Her team wasn’t saying that each and every woman has a G-spot. (“Women are capable of experiencing sexual pleasure many different ways,” she insists to Cosmo now. “Everyone is unique.”) And despite that bean analogy, they didn’t mean it was a spot spot. They were talking about an “area” that could simply make some women feel good. But the media (hi again!) preferred the neat and tidy version and ran with it like a sexual cure-all.

Researchers did too. In 2012, a study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine proclaimed that of course the G-spot was real. It just wasn’t a bean. It was actually an 8.1- by 3.6-millimeter “rope-like” piece of anatomy, a “blue” and “grape-like” sac. This revelation came from gynecologic surgeon Adam Ostrzenski, MD, PhD, after his study of an 83-year-old woman’s cadaver. (He went on to sell “G-spotplasty” treatments to women.) Over the years, lots of other researchers found the G-spot to be lots of other things: “a thick patch of nerves,” “the urethral sponge,” “a gland,” “a bunch of nerves.”

For the most part, though, the thing that women were supposed to find has remained a mystery to the experts telling them to find it. Dozens of trials used surveys, pathologic specimens, imaging, and biochemical markers to try to pinpoint the elusive G-spot once and for all.

In 2006, a biopsy of women’s vaginas turned up nothing.

In 2012, a group of doctors reviewed every single piece of known data on record and found no proof that the G-spot exists.

In 2017, in the most recent and largest postmortem study to date done on 13 cadavers, researchers looked again: still nothing.

“It’s not like pushing an elevator button or a light switch,” asserts Barry Komisaruk, PhD, a neuroscientist at Rutgers University. “It’s not a single thing.”

44%

of women have felt frustration, confusion, or anxiety while trying to locate their G-spot.

“I don’t think we have any evidence that the G-spot is a spot or a structure,” says Nicole Prause, PhD, a neuroscientist who studies orgasms and sexual arousal. “I’ve never understood why it was interpreted as some new sexual organ. You can’t standardize a vagina—there is no consistency across women as to where exactly we experience pleasure.”

Sure, she says, some women might have an area inside their vaginas that contains a bunch of smaller, super-sensitive areas. But some women say that when they follow Cosmo’s old two-finger come-hither advice, they feel discomfort or like they have to pee. Others feel nothing at all. Because for them, there’s nothing there.

Now for the trickiest part of this story—and, TBH, the reason this is even a story at all. Despite the lack of scientific evidence, there are still lots of G-spot believers, many of them super-smart, well-meaning sex educators. They’re a pretty heated group (one hung up on us when we called for an interview) and not…entirely…wrong. Their point is: If a woman believes she’s found her G-spot, that should outweigh any lack of science. And specifically, if someone claims to have experienced G-spot pleasure, it seems “bizarre” to shut her down, says Kristen Mark, PhD, a sex educator at the University of Kentucky. “That feels like going backward.”

Fair. It’s just that, as Prause points out, “women deserve accurate information about their bodies.” Can’t we have our pleasure—and the truth too?

As Prause said (and this bears repeating), for some women, there is sexual sensitivity where the G-spot is supposed to be. But for others, there’s none. Or it’s to the left. Or it’s in a few places. And that’s kind of the whole point. It’s all okay. It can all feel good.

What everyone can agree on is that we need more research. Women’s sexual health is vastly understudied, and the scientific hurdles are borderline absurd. In 2015, Prause tried to get a trial going at UCLA that would study orgasms in women who were, you know, actually alive. The board heard her out but wanted a promise that her test subjects “wouldn’t climax” because they didn’t like the optics of women orgasming in their labs. (As you’ve already guessed, the study wasn’t approved.)

So yeah, a new kind of thinking about female pleasure is going to take a minute for certain people to get on board with. Like those brunch friends who go on and on about G-spot rapture. And like men, who might love the idea of the G-spot best of all. A G-spot orgasm requires penetration, which just so happens to be the way most guys prefer to get off. “If you’ve got a penis, it would be super convenient if the way the person with a vagina has pleasure is for you to put your penis in their vagina,” says Emily Nagoski, PhD, author of Come as You Are, a book that explores the science of female sexuality. Related: 80 percent of the men in Cosmo’s survey said they believe every woman has a G-spot; nearly 60 percent called it the “best way” for a female partner to achieve pleasure. (“Once you rally enough experience like myself, you can find it on every girl,” one supremely confident guy told us.)

31%

of women say their partner has gotten frustrated while searching for it.

Just like it did for women, the G-spot gave men a universal performance metric and the “cultural message that pleasure for women happens by pounding on their vaginas with your penis,” says Nagoski.

Things were thisclose to going in a much better direction. “In the early ’80s, there was research that was really putting the clitoris front and center,” explains Nagoski. “Then along came the G-spot research, creating this pressure for women to be orgasmic from vaginal stimulation even though most women’s bodies just aren’t wired that way. And if you really think about why vaginal stimulation matters so much, it’s because it puts the focus on male pleasure.”

Go ahead and let that sink in while we gear up to talk about the fallout. Not only the sexual frustration (although that, definitely that) but also the giant emotional burden the G-spot unwittingly dropped on all of us. Turns out, the thing that was supposed to awaken and equalize our sex lives came with a really shitty side effect: shame.

More than half of the women in Cosmo’s survey reported feeling inadequate or frustrated knowing that others are able to orgasm in a way they can’t. Eleven percent said this made them avoid sex entirely. “I have friends who say they always climax from intercourse alone and they’re like, ‘You just haven’t found it yet,’” says Alyssa, a Cosmo reader. “It’s like they’re the lucky ones.”

That’s why on one recent Tuesday, another Cosmo reader, Beth, found herself sitting in a room that looked oddly like a vagina—low, pink light, a candle burning softly nearby—getting her first round of G-spot homework. She and her husband had hired a sex therapist to help them feel more in sync sexually. Basically, he wanted it a lot more than she did, probably because she was still waiting for something…bigger. “I can have a clitoral orgasm,” she says. “But knowing that there’s something better, I wanted to experience that.”

82%

of men believe every woman has the magic button.

The couple’s take-home tasks were a checklist of “sexy” moves, designed to help them find Beth’s G-spot so she could have The Orgasm. “The night we did doggy-style, it felt…god, there was the sound of skin smacking and my husband asking me if it was working. It was terrible.” (We fact-checked this with Beth’s husband. Oh yeah, “it sucked.”) After that, they gave up.

Other couples are still searching: 22 percent of guys say that finding a woman’s G-spot is the number one goal of sex, which helps explain the 31 percent of women who say they’re dealing with exasperated partners. Prause worries about that. She says: “You’ll hear guys say things like, ‘My last girlfriend wasn’t this much work,’ or ‘You take a long time to orgasm,’ or ‘This worked for the last person I slept with.’ That makes women question if they’re normal. And that, we hate.”

Which is why we’re calling off the search. We’re done with the damn “spot” and we’re sorry, again, that we ever brought it up. And actually: Unless sex researchers make a surprisingly major breakthrough, Cosmo won’t be publishing any more G-spot sex positions or “how to find it” guides.

“What would truly be revolutionary for women’s sex lives is to engage with what research has found all along: the best predictors of sexual satisfaction are intimacy and connection,” adds Debby Herbenick, PhD, a professor at Indiana University School of Public Health and a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute.

The science world is revolutionizing, too, trying to figure out how to rebrand the G-spot into something more (and by “more,” we mean actually) accurate. Whipple stands by her “area.” Italian researchers have suggested renaming it the somewhat less sexy “clitoral vaginal urethral complex.” Herbenick has her own ideas: “First of all, it should not be named after a man. It’s a female body we’re talking about, and just because a man wrote about it doesn’t mean he was the first to understand or experience it.” But anyway, she’d go with “zone.”

As for us, we’re going to kick off this new era with a 100 percent G-spot-free piece of smarter, wiser sex advice, courtesy of Nagoski: “If it feels good, you’re doing it right.” Call that whatever you want.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Talk to Your Partner About Having More Sex

This is what the discussion should look like.

By

So, you’re in a relationship, and you want more sex than you’re currently having.

You wouldn’t be alone. One 2015 study that tracked couple’s desire found four in five people in relationships dealt with differing levels of sexual desire within a single month. Additionally, low desire and desire discrepancy are the most common sexual issues that come up in couples therapy. In other words, this issue is not rare. Of course, that doesn’t make the question of “how to ask for more sex?” any easier to address.

Everyone deserves to feel sexually satisfied, and for those in relationships, we know sexual satisfaction is interlinked with overall relationship satisfaction. So if this is something that’s on your mind, know that it is worth bringing it up to your partner. There are also ways to approach this conversation—and the mutual efforts that need to come after it—with a sense of camaraderie, care, and curiosity.

Here are a few tips to keep in mind if you want to ask for more sex.

1. Open a dialogue

So, you want to have sex more frequently. The first step is to directly bring it up to your partner. Let them know you’d like to set aside some dedicated time to have an open conversation about your sex life as a couple and how you’re both feeling about it. During this talk, tell them that you’ve been feeling interested in having sex more often, and ask them what they think about that.

They may very well be game, or you might learn about some barriers your partner is dealing with that’s making it harder for them to tap into their desires. Listen attentively, and consider how you can help them climb some of those barriers.

2. Approach the situation as a team.

When faced with an issue such as differing levels of sexual desire, couples often fall into the trap of seeing it as “you vs. me”. I want sex. He doesn’t. But when you view each other as representatives of opposing sides, you turn the issue into a power struggle that one of you has to “win” and one of you has to “lose.”

Instead, think of yourselves as teammates facing a shared challenge. And importantly, don’t make the goal be having sex a certain number of times per month. The goal should simply be to mutually invest the time and effort into co-creating a sex life that feels good for both people. Turn this part of your life into something you’re working on together.

3. Consider what can be improved for your partner.

Even though you’re the one bringing up a need, it’s important to consider your partner’s needs simultaneously.

Remember, sex is something people do solely because it’s fun and feels good. If sex isn’t that fun or doesn’t feel that good for someone, then it’s no surprise they wouldn’t be that interested in it. So, instead of How do I get this person to have more sex with me consider reframing the question as  How do I help my partner enjoy sex more, so they’re as genuinely excited to have sex as I am?

Are there things that would make your shared sexual experiences more enjoyable for your partner? Are there things they want more or less of in bed? Are there things that they like that you haven’t done in a while? Ask your partner.

There may also be some negatives of having sex that are outweighing the positives, which need to be addressed. If you can’t fathom what the “negatives” of having sex are, that’s another good one to ask your partner about and see what they bring up. From body anxiety to physical pain to just the stress of losing out on some precious downtime, it’s important to understand what those downsides might be and how you can find ways to alleviate them together.

4. Learn about your partner’s experience of desire.

People may experience desire in different ways. Sometimes desire discrepancy isn’t about differing levels of desire (high vs. low) but rather different types of desire.

Some people have what’s known as spontaneous desire, wherein the desire to have sex can arise at any given time. Other people have what’s known as responsive desire, wherein the desire to have sex only arises after you’re already aroused or in a sexual situation.

In other words, a responsive person won’t ever really be randomly in the mood for sex; instead, there’s a certain set of contexts that, when in place, reliably put them in the mood. People who have the responsive model of desire are often under the impression that they just have a lower libido than others when in reality, they just experience desire in a specific way.

What set of circumstances, dynamics, and contexts help trigger your partner’s sexual desire or allow for your partner to more easily access their desire? What makes sex appealing to your partner in a given situation? What makes sex unappealing to your partner in a given situation?

5. Remove the pressure

It’s important to never pressure your partner into anything. They need to be happy to have sex with you, not coerced or guilted into doing so. If there’s ongoing tension or resentment whenever you try to initiate sex, that’s a sign that there needs to be another sit-down conversation about what’s going on. What’s setting your partner off, and what needs to change to help make them more comfortable?

For relationships between men and women, it can sometimes help to remove the pressure to always make sex have to lead to or involve intercourse. Have some sexual experiences that just involve some deep making out, heavy petting, or maybe some oral. Don’t worry about having an orgasm every time. Just focus on creating moments for intimacy, eroticism, and fun without the pressure of it having to lead to a specific act every time. This will help your partner feel like she can wade into the waters of a sexual experience without feeling pressured to “follow through” every time. And when you remove the pressure of orgasms or intercourse, you also open yourselves up to a whole array of new, interesting, and pleasurable sexual experiences.

6. Keep initiating

Remember that your needs and desires do matter, and you’re allowed to ask for what you want from your partner and from your relationship. Your partner is also allowed to say no. Allow both of yourselves to remove the guilt from these actions, and focus on finding how to arrive at a mutual yes more often.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What vaginal changes can a person expect after giving birth?

A person can expect vaginal changes after giving birth. Common changes include perineal pain, pain during sex, bleeding, and vaginal dryness.

by Tabitha Britt

According to the United Kingdom’s National Health Service (NHS), it is not unusual for people to notice new and uncomfortable vaginal changes after giving birth.

To ensure a safe recovery, people should have several postpartum checkups with their OB-GYN, with the first checkup being within 3 weeks of delivery. Postpartum care is an ongoing process and requires more than a single visit.

This article will discuss the vaginal changes a person can expect after giving birth. It will also cover tips for postpartum recovery.

The NHS notes that it is normal for a person’s vagina to appear wider than it did pre-birth. The swelling and openness should subside in a few days.

Even so, vaginal laxity is a common complaintTrusted Source among those who have recently given birth.

Tips

Although a person’s vagina may not return to its pre-birth shape, this is not a cause for concern.

However, people can try pelvic floor exercises, or Kegel exercises, to help tone the vaginal muscles. This can help prevent urinary incontinence.

This may also help sex to feel more pleasurable. However, sexual pleasure is complex and there are many factors that can affect it.

If a person finds that they are experiencing difficulties with sexual pleasure or are concerned about the width of their vagina, they should contact a healthcare professional.

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) does not recommend elective plastic surgery, vaginoplasty, or radio-frequency or laser procedures. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has not approved these for postpartum vaginal laxity.

Some sources refer to these procedures as “vaginal rejuvenation,” which is a marketing term and not a medical condition.

Postpartum vaginal dryness is commonTrusted Source and normal, particularly for those who are nursing.

Vaginal dryness results from low estrogen, and those who are nursing have lower levels of estrogen than those who are not nursing.

It can make sex uncomfortable or painful and may cause some light bleeding.

Tips

According to the NHS, once a person stops nursing and their periods have returned, the estrogen count should revert to pre-pregnancy levels and any noticeable vaginal dryness should improve.

In the meantime, people can try the following to ease any discomfort:

  • taking estrogen supplements
  • avoiding douches and personal hygiene sprays
  • staying hydrated
  • applying a vaginal moisturizer
  • using a lubricant during sex or foreplay
  • communicating with their sexual partner

According to the ACOG, the type, intensity, and duration of pain and soreness will vary from person to person. However, the NHS notes that most people should improve within 6–12 weeks after birth.

People may experience one or more of the following symptoms after childbirth:

  • cramping
  • back, neck, or joint pain
  • soreness in the perineum, which in females is the area between the vagina and anus
  • swollen or sore breasts

Those who underwent an episiotomy, which is when a doctor makes an incision in the perineum to widen the vaginal opening, or had perineal tears, may need stitches.

The NHS notes that approximately 9 in 10 people who undergo a vaginal birth for the first time will have a tear, graze, or episiotomy. Stitches should heal within 1 month after delivery.

Tips

Mild vaginal tears that occur during delivery can take a few weeksTrusted Source to heal.

To help with the pain in the meantime, a person can:

  • take over-the-counter (OTC) medications, such as ibuprofen
  • sit on a padded ring
  • apply an ice pack to cool the area

Anyone who is concerned about the healing process and pain should consult a doctor or midwife before taking any OTC pain relievers.

According to the ACOG, some bleeding and discharge after delivery is normal. It may first appear bright red in color and become lighter and pinker in color within a few days. Over time, the flow will decrease and eventually stop.

Some may experience postpartum vaginal discharge that lasts for a few weeksTrusted Source.

People who experience excessive bleeding should seek immediate medical attention as it could be a sign of postpartum hemorrhage or uterine atony. Healthcare professionals define excessive bleeding as filling more than two pads per hour for more than 1–2 hours.

According to BMC Pregnancy and ChildbirthTrusted Source, postpartum hemorrhage is the leading direct cause of maternal morbidity and mortality worldwide.

Tips

Postpartum discharge is an inevitable part of the healing process.

To make things easier, a person should avoid using tampons until after their 6-week postnatal check. They can also use sanitary pads until the discharge stops.

People will experience some postpartum bleeding or lochia after giving birth.

Lochia contains mucus, white blood cells, tissue, and blood. The womb sheds this menstrual-period-like mixture of fluid and tissue so the body can replace its uterine lining after delivery.

The ACOG notes that it will usually occur within 24 hours after giving birth, but it may happen up to 12 weeks later.

According to the Office on Women’s HealthTrusted Source, lochia appears heavy and bright red before becoming lighter in flow and color.

Individuals who lose more than 1000 milliliters of blood within 24 hours of giving birth should seek medical attention immediately as it could be a sign of a postpartum hemorrhage.

Those who are interested in reconnecting with their partner on a physical level may experience dyspareunia or pain with sex.

According to a 2018 studyTrusted Source, 37.5% of people reported pain with sex 6 months postpartum, while 46.3% reported a lack of interest in sexual activity.

While there is no timeline as to when a person can have sex again after giving birth, most doctors recommend that people wait 4–6 weeks following vaginal delivery.

Those who had an episiotomy or perineal tear should wait until the site has completely healed, as having sex too soon can increase a person’s risk of postpartum hemorrhage and uterine infection.

Learn more about when a person can have sex after being pregnant here.

Tips

People can try the following to help alleviate any pain or discomfort during postpartum sex:

  • Taking things slowly and starting with other intimate activities first, such as a massage, oral sex, or mutual masturbation.
  • Considering using a water-based lubricant during sexual activity.
  • Communicating with their partner about the pain they are experiencing and which activities are pleasurable and which are not.

Those who continue to feel pain during sex should contact a healthcare professional.

If a person’s vaginal canal is unable to stretch far enough to deliver the baby, the perineum may tear or the doctor will perform an episiotomy.

Excessive, raised, or itchy scar tissue may form around the tear or incision area.

Those who are concerned about perineal tears can massage their perineum within the last few weeks of pregnancy to reduce their chances of requiring an episiotomy.

A person should talk with a healthcare professional regarding the best way to massage the perineum.

While some people may experience heavier, longer, or more painful periods following delivery, others may find that their periods improve.

Those who bottle-feed or combine bottle feeding with nursing may have their first period 5–6 weeks after giving birth.

According to the ACOG, people who are not nursing should begin ovulating within a few weeks of childbirth. There may be a delay to ovulation for up to 6 months for people who are nursing.

Learn more about the first period after having a baby here.

Within the first few days after giving birth, some people may experience pain or burning while urinating.

Urinary incontinence is also common during pregnancy and after childbirth.

According to the Urology Care Foundation, the number of children a person has, from both cesarean and vaginal delivery, may increase their risk for urinary incontinence. In addition, people who have urinary incontinence during pregnancy are more likely to have it after childbirth.

Postpartum urinary incontinence usually goes away once a person’s pelvic muscles regain their strength. People who experience long-term incontinence should contact a healthcare professional.

Tips

People can try the following to ease their discomfort:

  • drinking water
  • running water in the sink while using the bathroom
  • soaking in a warm bath
  • doing Kegel exercises to strengthen their pelvic muscles

People can experience difficultyTrusted Source with orgasm after childbirth.

This may occur as a result of:

People who are having difficulty achieving orgasm or experiencing sexual dysfunction after giving birth should contact a doctor to see if an underlying condition could be exacerbating the issue.

Pregnancy increases the body’s production of estrogen and progesterone.

This influx of hormones leads to increased blood flow, which may cause the labia to darken.

These changes may be temporary or permanent, depending on the person.

The postpartum period begins after a person gives birth, lasting 6–8 weeksTrusted Source. It ends when the person’s body has almost returned to its pre-pregnancy state.

A 2021 article notes that the postpartum recovery period is likely to be longer than 6 weeksTrusted Source. However, there does not appear to be a consensus among healthcare professionals.

An older article from 2010 notes that the postpartum period consists of three phases. Healthcare professionals refer to the last phase as the delayed postpartum period, which can last for 6 monthsTrusted Source.

During this recovery period, a person should ensure that they:

  • Attend every checkup: According to the ACOG, checkups can help to ensure a person’s physical, mental, and emotional health are on the right track. It recommends that healthcare professionals provide 12 weeks of postpartum support.
  • Eat a well-balanced diet: To fight off fatigue and constipation, people should aim to eat a combination of complex carbs, protein, and fiber. Drinking plenty of fluids, participating in light exercise, such as walking, and using the bathroom when the urge comes can also prevent constipation.
  • Rest: Rest is an essential part of recovery. New mothers should get plenty of rest in the first 2–3 weeksTrusted Source after childbirth.

Learn more about postpartum recovery and what to expect.

After birth, a person can expect changes to their vagina, including:

  • vaginal width
  • vaginal dryness
  • soreness
  • discharge
  • bleeding
  • pain during sex
  • scar tissue
  • urinary incontinence
  • difficulty achieving orgasm
  • changes in the color of the vulva and vaginal opening

Healthcare professionals define the postpartum recovery period as the first 6 weeks after giving birth. The time it takes to recover will vary depending on the person. Those who have ongoing or severe symptoms should contact a doctor.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What makes a good top and a good bottom?

240 gay men were asked something very important. Something that affects every gay man. Something that’s so integral to our way of life it can impact relationships, change friendships and perhaps bring us closer to spiritual enlightenment. We asked: what makes a good bottom and what makes a good top?

We have the answer for you:

What tops think bottoms want

What gets a bottom off? We asked the tops what they think a bottom looks for.

“Respect your partner who is bottoming,” says Mark, 31. “Go at the pace they are comfortable with. Also make sure you lube up the area and yourself well so there isn’t unnecessary friction. Ensure your penis is hard before trying to penetrate.”

Jaspar, 28, has a few suggestions to the tops out there. “Use your full length but don’t go balls deep in your first thrust. Pace yourself and don’t be afraid to get off if you need to, and warm yourself up/calm yourself down. Your bottom might be annoyed by the break, but they’ll thank you in the long run. And good tops eat ass. Get over it.”

“It’s not a marathon or a race; it’s sex. So, go at a pace you find comfortable and that gives your partner pleasure,” advises Rhys, 22. “If your partner is responding well to what you are doing, keep doing it. Don’t be afraid however to change things up with speeds, motions and positions. If you feel like you’re going to cum and it’s too soon, it’s okay to slow down or even stop. You can take a break to pleasure your partner in other ways. And for the love of God don’t copy porn. Your dick is not a drill and shouldn’t be used like one (unless your partner asks for that).”

A final piece of advice from 25-year-old Ben: “Plenty of lube will help you just as much as it will the bottom.”

What bottoms actually want

So, what do bottoms actually require in a top?

“Listen to your bottom,” says Joe, 31. “If he’s telling you to do it harder, then do it. If he says “don’t stop”, then don’t you dare fucking stop. And it you’re biting the shit out of the back of his neck and he tells you to knock it off then you better fucking quit or he might bite your dick off.”

“Create an environment of intense relaxation,” says Jack, 22, “but also be clear about what you want – encouragement is better than a feeling that there’s no impetus to get to where you’re trying to be.”

Adam, 27, wants a bit of care and attention before he gets down to it. “Use lube, too many tops lately don’t think it’s needed. Or foreplay, they just want to stick it in. You better rim or finger me first. Go slow, use kissing, smiling, sounds, body contact as cues to reassure the bottom.”

And 36-year-old Alex agrees that lube is key: “There’s no such thing as too much lube, but god you know it if there not enough.”

What bottoms think tops want

What do bottoms think is expected of them? They all seem to arrive at a similar conclusion.

“Be clean as best you can. Don’t overdo it, it’s not good for your body. Also, accidents happen. It is the ass. It kinda has a purpose to it. Don’t worry about it. You will laugh later,” says Luke, 27.

“Douche like your life depends on it, and then douche some more. Most importantly, relax. It’s meant to be pleasurable, not a chore,” believes Gavin, 44.

“Always douche,” agrees Paul, 27.

James, 39, has similar advice, “Douche. Douche. Douche.”

While John, 32, was a little more emphatic: “Douche!”

What tops actually want

We also asked the tops from our survey what they seek when someone is bottoming.

“Don’t dive on my D too quick. It’s not a race,” says John, 28. “The number of times I’ve seen an over eager bottom get on too quick only to regret it immediately… and it’s really not a big deal if we make a mess. I take full responsibility for putting a foreign object in your butt hole.”

Mark, 31, wants you to breathe. “Try and relax, take it slow and remember to breathe. The more relaxed you are the easier it is to actually have sex. Also, don’t be afraid to take control, sometimes knowing what is going to happen when helps you to relax your mind.”

“Variety makes things more fun for both of you, in terms of both speed and position,” says Will, 22. “If you can try and be prepared both mentally and physically it’s much more enjoyable for both of you. Don’t be afraid to say that you’re not in the mood to bottom, but make this clear early on.

And 43-year-old Lee mention that old favourite: “Douche.”

Top and bottom stats:

We asked tops: Do you think there’s more pressure on the top or the bottom when it comes to ‘performance’?

  • 71% said there’s more pressure on the top
  • 16% said there is pressure on both
  • 5% said the bottom

We asked you all: What’s your preferred sexual position?

  • 10% said top
  • 20% said top but can be versatile
  • 18% said bottom
  • 29% said bottom but can be versatile
  • 21% said completely versatile
  • 2% don’t have anal sex

We asked bottoms: Do you think there’s more pressure on the top or the bottom when it comes to ‘performance’?

  • 40% said there’s more pressure on the top
  • 16% said there is pressure on both
  • 35% said the bottom
  • 9% said neither

First time advice

We asked for your tips and advice for someone looking to try anal for the first time, whether it’s as a top or a bottom.

“Be open with your partner and talk about what each of you likes. Don’t just barge in. Take your time,” advises Mike, 37.

“If you’re the top, don’t be too eager or over-excited. You can end up rushing in and causing pain. Communication is key, check in with your partner throughout but especially on initial penetration. Make sure they are comfortable before increasing speed or force,” says Jake, 35. “If you’re the bottom: Breathe. Relax. Take deep breaths when he first enters you. If it hurts on initial penetration, get him to take it out again and wait for 20 seconds while you breathe and then try again. Your sphincter will get over the initial shock and relax more. Don’t be afraid to tell him to stop, or slow down.”

Tom, 31, thinks relaxation is key. “Don’t stress out too much. Find a person and a place that you’re comfortable with and get exploring. Don’t expect too much from your first time.”

Anal isn’t for everybody

Of course, fucking isn’t the be all and end all. Some people just don’t like it or are scared to try.

“I find it very uncomfortable I just don’t enjoy it at all. And I’ve tried too!” says Jules, 44.

“It’s just a bloody pain in the arse. All that douching and then making sure you don’t eat so that there’s no mess,” thinks Suraj, 24.

“I haven’t had much experience and so it has become daunting to try,” explains Paul, 32.

Maybe you love anal sex, maybe you hate it, but whatever you do, communicate with your partner, make sure that it’s right for you and you choose the safer sex strategy that’s right for you – whether that’s condoms, PrEP, regular sexual health tests or if you’re HIV-positive and on treatment. Most importantly, it should be fun.

The douching mini-guide:

  • Use plain, clean water, preferably at body temperature.
  • Do not use antiseptics, disinfectants or anything else in a douche, as they can all irritate the lining of the arse.
  • A small bulb douche is recommended.
  • If you are using a shower hose remember there’s variable water pressure and heat coming out of the shower and that you will not always be able to control the amount of water.
  • Make sure you expel all the water out of you before sex.
  • Douching can irritate the lining of the arse and may make it easier to be damaged during sex. This can increase the likelihood of HIV and STIs.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex zoning

— When you’re on the other side of the ‘friend zone’

The friend zone has become such a popular trope that it barely needs explaining.

By

From Ross Geller becoming ‘mayor of the friend zone’ in Friends to pretty much every male rom-com character we’re supposed to root for, the idea of being ‘demoted’ to friend status is a staple in popular culture.

The story usually goes like this: Boy meets girl and falls in love, but doesn’t make his feelings known for years (or even decades) on end. He eventually does, usually because she had the audacity to pursue someone else, and she realises what a sweet, kind man was under her nose all along.

During this predictable journey towards happily ever after, we’re reminded that the romantic lead has been ‘friend zoned’ by the object of their affections. But, if we look from the opposite perspective, it seems more as if the person in the friend zone is the one doing the manipulating.

This plays out in real life too.

Research has shown that a far higher proportion of men feel like they’ve been friend zoned than women, suggesting there’s a gendered aspect to how we view male and female friendship. Men feel negatively towards the ‘just friends’ label and see it as a rejection, while women feel objectified or like their companionship is not valued.

Many of us have experience of the other side of friend zoning – which we’re calling sex zoning – whether it was a friend who was unknowingly after more than friendship or a romantic partner who didn’t make it clear they only wanted a physical relationship.

Where the friend zone implies you’re trapped into being seen solely as a friend, being in the sex zone means being seen as a sex object or conquest and not a whole person.

This can happen in both sexual and non-sexual relationships, particularly in f*** buddy or friends with benefits situations.

You may think someone genuinely cares and listens but, unbeknownst to you, they’re waiting in the wings for the chance to get you into bed. Things that look to you like kind gestures aren’t heartfelt, rather ploys to manipulate your idea of them with a view to a sexual relationship.

Either the relationship fizzles out when the sex zoner gets bored of waiting, their tactics work and you do have sex, or their intentions come to light and you’re left questioning what went wrong.

According to psychotherapist Heather Garbutt, being sex zoned can be devastating for those on the receiving end.

She tells Metro.co.uk: ‘If you have been sex zoned, you’re probably feeling pretty used. You won’t feel very emotionally connected in a healthy way, but more likely to be trying harder and harder to be of value to the other person.

‘Generally, the more you give, the less you will receive back and the less you will be respected. This pattern empties out anything meaningful in the relationship.

‘You are likely to feel very lonely and it can even create feelings of desperation. None of this is good for your self-esteem.’

The damaging impact of sex zoning, as with most relationship problems, can be avoided with better communication. Unfortunately, it needs to be honest, two-way communication, so you’re relying on your date or friend doing their part.

Heather suggests being clear with your own expectations to remove any ambiguity from conversations.

‘Ask yourself if this is what you want? What are you looking for in life?’ she says. ‘If you were looking for a long term committed relationship, wasting time on anything less it is of no use to you whatsoever.’

She adds: ‘If your self esteem is such that you think this is the best you can get, then I can tell you now, that is patently not true. Don’t settle for anything less than what you want.’

Signs you’ve been sex zoned

  • They always steer the conversation to something sexual
  • They don’t seem to really be listening to you or taking in what you say
  • They’re no longer friendly or kind towards you when you’re in a relationship
  • They’re no longer friendly or kind towards you when they’re in a relationship
  • They react negatively towards your romantic partners
  • They hint to or joke about being attracted to you, but don’t make their feelings clear
  • They fish for compliments or do nice things for you and expect something in return
  • They act as if they have ownership over you, often disguised as ‘being protective’
  • If they do proposition you sexually and are rebuffed, they no longer seem to be as interested in you

That isn’t to say that someone desiring you physically is a red flag. Some may want no strings attached fun, and it’s only if they’re disingenuous or dehumanising towards you that it becomes an issue.

Heather says: ‘There are lots of influences in our culture that cause us to centre around physical attraction and chemistry. It is still a status symbol to be in a relationship with somebody who is good looking.

‘If your ego is such that this is the level that you are working on, you may need to do some work on yourself too. It is not likely to get to you a very satisfying relationship.’

Sex zoning perpetuates the idea that friendship is some sort of booby prize, as well as misogynistic stereotypes that men only want sex and women are only valuable for their sexuality.

If you see that happening in your relationships – whether you’re the sex zoner or the sex zonee – it’s worth exploring the root cause.

Heather says: ‘As human beings we are ever evolving and sometimes, previous generations – parents and grandparents – were not always as emotionally expressive as we would like them to have been.

‘If they were emotionally unavailable, we are likely to look for somebody who is equally emotionally unavailable. If the person we are attracted to is very much concerned about physical appearance, are they unhealthily vain at your expense? Be careful to ensure you are not giving away your power and self-respect.’

Once you’ve worked out exactly what you want from a partner, you can move forward ensuring you’ve effectively communicated that, free of worry about misrepresenting your needs or having to play a guessing game.

‘It is always better to create a relationship with someone you feel at home with on an emotional level,’ adds Heather. ‘Someone with whom you can be yourself, in whom you can trust to have your back and feel as loved as you are loving.’

Next time you go to use the phrase ‘just friends’, perhaps think about why we downplay mixed gender friendships.

Is it really so bad to be friends with someone, or are you just sex zoning them and dismissing what they bring to the table?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Everything You Need To Know About Outercourse

(Sex Without Penetration)

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

What is outercourse?

Outercourse is a term that generally encompasses any type of non-penetrative sexual play, says sex educator Cassandra Corrado. “So it might include handjobs, nipple stimulation, perineal massage, cunnilingus—anything that stimulates the outside of the body for sexual pleasure.”

Notably, outercourse has a broad definition and can mean different things depending on who you ask. For some people, outercourse is any sexual activity that isn’t penis-in-vagina sex, while others define it more strictly as only sexual acts that don’t involve any penetration whatsoever.

Often, someone’s definition of what counts as outercourse is influenced by their reasons for wanting to practice it. A person who believes in waiting for marriage to have sex, for example, might see getting fingered vaginally as belonging to the realm of outercourse, whereas another person might not necessarily agree.

Some people see outercourse as a form of abstinence (i.e., voluntarily choosing to not have sex), while others see outercourse as just one of many types of sex. Outercourse can also be seen as encompassing any sexual activity that comes with a lowered STI risk or lowered chance of pregnancy, though notably, many forms of outercourse may still include skin-to-skin contact or an exchange of fluids, meaning there may still be some of these risks involved.

What behavior “counts” as outercourse.

Dry humping

Dry humping involves rubbing your genitals against your partner’s genitals or body, often with clothes still on. It can feel amazing and has a much lower risk of STI transmission and pregnancy than PIV sex. Dry humping might also entail someone rubbing their penis or clitoris between their partner’s butt cheeks or thighs in a simulation of intercourse. This involves more risk in terms of both STIs and pregnancy since ejaculate or vaginal lubrication is more likely to touch your partner’s genital mucous membranes or accidentally enter their vagina, and there’s skin-on-skin contact. (Here are some other ways to have a hands-free orgasm though, if you’re curious.)

Kissing

Good old making out can be considered a part of outercourse. Getting hot and heavy with your mouths is a simple yet fun erotic activity. (Read up on all the different types of kisses here, if you’re curious!)

Mutual masturbation

Mutual masturbation can describe two different things. Firstly, it can mean partners touching each other at the same time, or it can mean partners touching themselves at the same time, usually while looking at one another. The latter option carries the lowest risk of STI transmission, in addition to being extremely hot. Try lying on opposite ends of the bed and forbidding yourselves from touching each other while you go to town on yourself. You can even do it over the phone!

Tribadism

Colloquially known as scissoring, this form of outercourse involves grinding two vulvas together in order to stimulate each person’s clitoris. Finding the right angle is key for scissoring success, so don’t be afraid to experiment with different positions to find what works for you.

Massage

Is there anything sexier than a massage? Rubbing, kneading, and stroking your partner’s body with your hands is a safe and extremely pleasant form of outercourse. The erotic pleasure that can be gained from feeling your partner’s body underneath your hands is unmatched.

Vibrators

An external vibrator is a great way to enjoy outercourse. Just apply to your clitoris, penis, perineum, or nipples, and buzz away. A vibrator is a great way to reach orgasm without needing someone else to touch you, which is useful if you’re interested in outercourse as a form of abstinence from partnered sex. Just make sure to clean your sex toys well, especially if you use them during partnered sex.

Fingering and handjobs

Using your hands on your partner’s genitals can be seen as a form of outercourse. However, if one person’s vagina or anus is being penetrated, then some people may view it as intercourse as opposed to outercourse. However, as noted, people’s definitions do vary.

Oral sex

Going down on your partner or giving them a blowjob can be considered as another form of outercourse, as it doesn’t involve vaginal penetration. Not everyone would agree on categorizing oral sex as outercourse, though, as it all depends on your parameters for what outercourse is or isn’t. Even though oral sex cannot get you pregnant, it can still spread STIs, so if you’re engaging in oral sex, you’ll need to use a barrier method such as a condom or dental dam to reduce the risk of transmission.

Does outercourse count as abstinence?

“Depending upon one’s personal, spiritual, or ethical background, abstinence has different meanings for different people,” explains sex educator and therapist Tameca Harris-Jackson, Ph.D., LCSW, CSE, CIMHP.

For some, abstinence means refraining from any and all sexual behaviors, including, but not limited to, intercourse. This definition is usually more common among people for whom living “a chaste life may be an important exercise of faith,” says Harris-Jackson.

Abstinence can also be understood as simply avoiding penetrative, penis-in-vagina sex, in which case outercourse could technically be understood as a form of abstinence. If you are practicing abstinence, Corrado recommends that you “talk with your partners about what that means to each of you. It’s best to be on the same page—and to also understand why some things are off the table and why others aren’t.”

Benefits of outercourse.

1. Decenters penetration

Sexuality educator Shemeka Thorpe, Ph.D., notes that outercourse is a good way to “take the pressure off viewing penetrative sex as the main source of pleasure.” By engaging in outercourse, you can learn ways to have orgasms that don’t have anything to do with PIV or penetrative sex, she says.

2. Lowers pregnancy risk

Outercourse comes with a lower chance of getting pregnant because the penis does not enter the vagina. However, it may not always eliminate the risk of pregnancy completely: “People can still get pregnant with outercourse because semen can exist in pre-cum; and there is a chance that pre-cum can make contact with the vulva [and then the vagina] and result in pregnancy,” warns Lori Lawrenz, PsyD, of the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health.

3. Gives you room to learn what you like

When assumptions that PIV=sex are off the table, people are left with more room to explore what gives them pleasure. Questions that can be asked might include “What kind of touch feels good to you? Where are the places that you especially enjoy being touched? How do you want to be touched, caressed, kissed, and/or held?” says Fred Wyand of the American Sexual Health Association.

4. Can soothe stressors

Due to outercourse’s less risky nature than PIV, it can contribute to a lowering of stress that might otherwise be present, says Harris-Jackson. Being able to enjoy sexual intimacy (especially if it’s a risk-free option such as a massage with no genital contact) without fear, or with less fear, can free oneself up to pleasure and mindfulness in the moment.

Risks of outercourse:

The risks can be misunderstood.

Rachel Lotus, a sex educator who focuses on sex education for young people, explains that one of the downsides of outercourse is that people might engage in it assuming that it’s risk-free. This is a myth that needs to be countered. Outercourse is less risky than PIV sex, but it is not risk free. Scissoring while nude, sharing sex toys, and oral sex are all examples of outercourse that can absolutely lead to the transmission of STIs.

It can inadvertently lead to intercourse.

This con is often touted as a reason not to have outercourse, the fear being that “engaging in outercourse may lead to the need, desire, or pressure to have [PIV] sex,” says Harris-Jackson. “It is worth noting, however, that this is not a risk inherent to outercourse. Instead, this concern is related to communication and consent. Having open and clear lines of communication with partners is essential. Be willing to be open and honest about expectations and boundaries. Discuss areas of ‘go’ and ‘no go’ on one another’s bodies as well as outercourse activities that are OK and not OK.”

She also advocates for the importance of being able to change one’s mind and remove or change the terms of consent. “Have such discussions in advance and continue the communication throughout,” she advises.

Is outercourse really “safe sex”?

No, outercourse isn’t necessarily “safe sex.”

“Any type of sex act comes with some level of risk, whether that’s risk of STI transmission, emotional vulnerability, physical harm, or social risk. There’s no one form of sex that’s inherently safe or unsafe,” Corrado explains. “If someone is including cunnilingus in their definition of outercourse, that’s oral sex—and it comes with the risk of STI transmission. But there is also how vulnerable someone feels during a sex act, if a particular sex act could trigger gender dysphoria, and if their partner can be trusted to keep what happens in the bedroom between them.”

Safer sex is achieved through a combination of communication, birth control (if relevant), and barrier methods. To make outercourse safer, you need to fit the protection to the act. For example, a condom will be effective (although not fail-proof) in preventing pregnancy if used while thrusting between your partner’s butt cheeks or thighs. However, a condom will not protect against herpes, for instance, as this STI is spread by skin-to-skin contact.

Likewise, to reduce the risk of STI transmission, a condom or dental dam needs to be used at any time during outercourse where there’s a risk that vaginal fluid or semen can touch your partner’s genitals or mouth.

The bottom line.

Whether you’re interested in avoiding penetration because of health reasons, simply aren’t interested in it, or want to protect yourself against pregnancy and STIs, outercourse can be a good choice for you. It’s even great for those who do engage in intercourse but who just want to mix it up a little. Just remember to stay safe and don’t assume that you’re protected just because no PIV is happening.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 Benefits Of Spooning

& Why You Should Do It More

by Sarah Regan

Spooning is easily one of the most well-known cuddling positions, and for good reason. Doubling as a sex position, it has so many benefits—for both your health and your relationship. Here’s everything you need to know about spooning, from variations to benefits and more.

Spooning is a cuddling position that typically involves two people lying on their side, facing the same direction, with the “little spoon’s” back against the front of the “big spoon.” The big spoon will often wrap their top arm around the little spoon.

As the name suggests, the position resembles the way spoons look when stacked, with their curves fitting together.Illustration of two men spooning.

How spooning benefits your relationship:

1. Increases intimacy

One of the biggest benefits of spooning is the feeling of closeness it fosters between partners. As licensed therapist De-Andrea Blaylock-Solar, MSW, LCSW-S, CST, tells mbg, it enhances intimacy, and not just sexual intimacy. “When people are thinking of intimacy, they immediately think of sexual intimacy, but there’s so many other types, and spooning can increase or enhance the emotional intimacy that we feel with someone,” she explains.

2. Fosters vulnerability & protection

Depending on whether you’re the big spoon or little spoon, this sleep position can foster feelings of vulnerability, safety, or protection. “With your partner lying behind you, holding you, you get the feeling of being supported and cradled,” certified sexologist Gigi Engle previously explained to mbg, adding, “It’s romantic because it gives you a feeling of unity and comfort.”

3. Releases feel-good hormones

Along with being good for your relationship, spooning (and cuddling or physical touch in general) releases feel-good hormones in your brain like oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, according to Blaylock-Solar. “Also dopamine and serotonin are released in your brain when you are in close embrace with someone, and that’s what increases that feeling of closeness,” she notes.

4. May support your immune system

Speaking of those feel-good hormones, there are added health benefits of spooning thanks to all that oxytocin. As functional medicine practitioner William Cole, IFMCP, DNM, D.C., previously wrote for mbg, cuddling increases oxytocin, which boosts your T-regulatory cells—and those cells are essential for keeping your immune system balanced and strong.

5. Can help those dealing with pain and stress

Along with giving your immune system a hand, Cole also explains that research has shown oxytocin is actually able to help people dealing with pain, feelings of anxiousness, and even suboptimal digestion. This is because oxytocin boosts T-regulatory cells, which have anti-inflammatory actions, he explains.

Big spoon vs. little spoon.

Regardless of the actual sizes of the two people, the big spoon is the person who is embracing their partner from behind, and the little spoon is the person in front being embraced. Any gender can play either role, though typically the cis-het stereotype always has the man as the big spoon and the woman as the little spoon. And while there’s nothing wrong with that, Blaylock-Solar tells mbg it can be nice to switch it up sometimes.

“Being the one who is embraced can give you an opportunity to be in a vulnerable position where you can be supported,” she says, adding, “Often because of toxic masculinity, a lot of guys don’t feel they have space to do that, but being the one who’s embraced allows you to receive the benefit of that expressed vulnerability and knowing that you’re safe.”

When we’re in a safe and loving relationship, we have the opportunity to operate outside of those cultural constructs, Blaylock-Solar says. So while everyone may have their preference of being the big or little spoon, who doesn’t want to be held sometimes?

Positions & variations to try.

The standard spooning position is typically two people lying next to each other facing the same way, with the little spoon’s back against the big spoon’s front. But according to Blaylock-Solar, there are a few other positions that could be considered spooning.

For instance, one partner could lie on their back, while the other person lies across their chest, not quite all the way on top of them but enough that they’re essentially “spooning” them in a different way.

You could also spoon toward each other, with the little spoon curled up and the big spoon’s arms wrapped around them.

As Blaylock-Solar explains, “I think any position where one person is the holder and the other person is being held counts, and understand that for different body types, sizes, or abilities, you just have to figure out what works best for you.”

Spooning as a sex position.

While spooning doesn’t have to be sexual, it certainly can be, and since it doesn’t require a position change, cuddling like this can potentially get steamy if you want it to. Vaginal or anal penetration are both an option while spooning, and certified sex therapist Megan Fleming, Ph.D., previously told mbg that the spooning sex position is great for G-spot stimulation, lasting longer in bed, and having more intimate sex. She also says this is a good position to go for if you have a high sex drive or if you want to slow things down to last longer.

As far as having sex this way, Blaylock-Solar has a few tips. For one thing, you’ll want to be flexible—and not physically flexible but rather mentally flexible. “It may not look like what you’ve seen in porn, so understanding that it’s OK if your body looks a little different as you’re trying to get the right angle,” she says.

In addition to that, you can optimize the experience with things like pillows or wedges to help find the right angle. Blaylock-Solar adds that this is also a great position for using toys for different types of stimulation.

The bottom line.

Whether you’re spooning to cuddle or spooning to have sex, this position can be incredibly intimate, release feel-good hormones, and even support your holistic health. So, if it’s been a while since you did some spooning, consider it added to your to-do list.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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15 Simple Ways To Be A Better Lover To Your Partner

By Julie Nguyen

If you’re asking yourself how you can be a better lover, you’re probably looking for tips to elevate your bedroom game. However, being good at sex isn’t always about making someone come harder (or faster). On the contrary, being a better lover is often more about increasing emotional intimacy and embodying open-hearted tenderness with each other.

It’s scary to let your guard down–but allowing yourself to be sincerely seen, touched, and affected by someone else is a powerful sexual experience. So, read on for how to intensify passion with your partner:

1. Communication is everything.

It’s one of the easiest traps to fall into with sex: you might intuitively use your partner’s body language as cues to figure out what they want without ever really having an explicit conversation about it. But doing this won’t bring you closer. Being a better lover is about getting out of the habit of assuming each other’s preferences and vulnerably stating what you need.

“Sexual communication is the foundation of a healthy and fulfilling sex life. It’s hard to have great sex when you can’t talk about it,” certified sex therapist Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST, tells mbg. “If you’re not sure where to begin, start with asking your partner about their sexual likes and dislikes. This is a simple, yet effective, way to increase sexual pleasure.”

2. Appreciate them as a person.

When you respect and value your S.O., you’ll want them to have a good time with you–inside and outside of the bedroom–and directly expressing appreciation for them can help with that. It also helps reinforce the emotional bond.

Showing you appreciate them can look like remembering the small details, actively listening when they talk, and thanking them whenever they do something you like. Outside of gratitude, look for the good in your partner too. What do you find sexy about them? What do you like about their sense of humor? What makes you excited about them? How do they turn you on? Be specific; then tell them those things.

3. Cultivate care into the connection.

Whether they’re a one-night stand, casual hook-up, a new relationship, or a long-term partner, there’s always little things you can do to demonstrate affection and a real interest in who they are as a person. You don’t have to be in love with them to show you care about them and their experience. By deepening intimacy beyond physicality, it helps your partner feel closer to you.

This could look like being curious about their life, naming boundaries, asking thought-provoking questions, holding their hand, maintaining eye contact, or skipping penetrative sex entirely once in a while and only doing other fun sexual acts.

4. Understand your own sexual anatomy.

“It’s not just your partner’s job to turn you on. If you don’t know what you like and how to make your body feel good, chances are, it will be hard for your partner to figure it out,” says somatic sex coach Anya Laeta. “Teach your partners how to love you better. Don’t expect them to read your mind. You’ll make your lover’s life so much easier if you can give them a tip or five on how to drive you wild.”

If you don’t already have a conscious solo-pleasure practice in place, Laeta recommends starting one up as a self-care ritual and then using that time as a goalless container to discover what feels good for your body. As you’re experimenting with arousal, she suggests noticing the in-between emotions as you slow down, take your time, feel all of the sensations that come up, and try out different things to see what you like.

5. Embrace the awkwardness that will inevitably come up.

In intimacy, sometimes people strive to complete this choreographed dance where everything is super smooth as you’re making out and simultaneously taking off your clothes in a fluid motion. But that doesn’t always happen, especially when you’re learning how to be intimate together. It’s likelier it’ll be a mess of elbows and knees. Instead of glossing over the awkwardness and moving on, it’s better to laugh and let it be a part of what’s happening.

By leaning into the honesty of the moment, it shows that you’re comfortable with yourself. This helps your person feel safer about being themselves and expressing their emotions as it comes up too. Plus, it makes it easier to be creative in sex when you can break the tension with a sense of humor.

6. Keep play at the forefront.

“Being playful at sex means not taking yourself too seriously,” Laeta says. “Don’t be afraid to be silly, experimental, or spontaneous. There is no ‘right’ way, only your way.”

When you invite enthusiasm into the connection, sex becomes a joyful exploration instead of a mechanical act of intercourse. Playfulness emboldens you to toss out outdated scripts about intimacy, work through any “performance” challenges, and add lightness to the situation as you candidly respond to each other.

7. Try something different.

In the beginning, sex is amped up as you relish in the novelty. Over time, the excitement diffuses and mellows out as you settle into a routine. But there are actions you can do to re-introduce thrill back into the mix. It could look like letting them into your fantasies, bringing in sex toys, or having a quickie in the car because you can’t wait to get home. It could also be as simple as surprising them with sex in the morning instead of your usual nightly romp for variety.

8. Use thoughtful touch.

Last fall, I dated someone who would tightly grip me with his fingers whenever he would pull me in closer to hold and kiss me. Although we didn’t last long, I still feel a blush of desire when I remember our time together. The physical chemistry was that good.

According to Laeta, there’s a reason why I felt so wanted, and it comes down to how innovative he was about bodily stimulation: “Our skin loves variety. The best touch for arousal is a contrasting touch between lighter, gentle strokes and firmer, stronger holds. Be creative. Make sure not to use repetitive touch. You can use your lover’s body as a canvas to draw on.”

9. Become present through meditation.

“The better you are at feeling present and connected to your body and pleasure, the better sex will feel for everyone involved. [A] regular mindfulness practice with a focus on breath and sensations will help you develop this muscle,” Laeta says.

To avoid getting lost in disconnective thoughts, she recommends paying attention to the five senses (smell, taste, touch, sound, and sight) and using them as anchors to connect to your partner. Laeta says it could look like focusing on the music, smell of the candle, and the texture of your sheets, then zooming out to concentrate on how both you and your partner smell, taste, feel, sound, and look to keep putting yourself back in the moment.

10. Bring out your senses by comfortably setting the scene.

Herzog agrees incorporating the other five senses can round out sex and advises taking it one step further. Put in some time to prepare an inviting environment that enables you to lose yourself in intimacy even more. “Getting creative with sensory experiences, like incorporating sultry scents, listening to sexy music and so on can expand your sexual experience. My go-to recommendation for clients is listening to erotic stories together as part of their sexual dance.”

On that note, she says it’s hard to be sexy when the room is chaotic and unappealing. “Consider bringing in softer lighting and make sure that the space is clean and free of things like pet hair [or] clothes all over the floor to enhance the sexual space and make it free of distractions.”

11. Practice open-minded flexibility.

“Sexual flexibility does not literally mean how flexible your body is or what positions you can do. It is the act of being open to things changing. Think the evolution of our sexual preferences,” Herzog explains. The sexual relationship broadens with possibility when you’re non-judgmental and accepting of the ebbs and flows that will inevitably occur.

She notes by not being hyper-focused on the “shoulds” of sex, it can transform your sexual life. “Being flexible is one of the top predictors of sexual fulfillment for couples over time.”

12. Integrate sex accessories.

Herzog points out when penetrative sex is seen as the standard outcome for a romantic encounter, it can be restrictive. “Penetration feels great for some people, but not everyone prefers, likes, or wants to be penetrated in any way.” She suggests being open to other ways of giving and receiving pleasure, in the form of the hands, mouth, or sexual accessories like vibrators or prostate stimulators.

To make sure the item will be mutually fun, Herzog suggests first seeing if they’re open to the idea of toys and, if so, going on a shopping date together. “There are a variety of options available to you, and I encourage you to do your research and try out lots of options to see what works best for your body,” she notes.

13. Prioritizing pleasure-centered experiences.

Although orgasms are great, Herzog explains not everyone values or experiences it normatively either. Regardless of gender, sometimes it’s difficult to orgasm, and it has nothing to do with your partner or your enjoyment of the experience.

“You have a whole body to work with. Instead of being centered on orgasms as the best way to pleasure your partner, I’d encourage you to make pleasure the center for your sexual experiences,” she says.

14. Slow down to enjoy sex as a whole.

Edging is an orgasm control practice where you delay climaxing. When the receiving partner feels like they’re close to orgasming, the other partner reduces stimulation and builds anticipation back up to bring them closer to the edge, only to taper off and restart the cycle until they beg to come. 

By keying into the tension in the arousal, it makes everything feel more intense for both of you. It’s often seen as a way to have better orgasms because of the strength of the orgasm that can follow when you’re done edging.

15. Finish with aftercare.

After sex, you’re flooded with feel-good chemicals that connect you to your partner. Keep the positive energy going by engaging in aftercare. If one of you goes to sleep right away or puts on your clothes to leave, you’re overlooking an important step, and doing so can lead to feelings of rejection and disconnection.

Show them that their feelings matter by asking them how they like to be taken care of after sex. It’ll look different for each person. It could look like grounding themselves alone, eating a snack, watching a movie, taking a shower, pillow talk, or cuddling together. Intentional aftercare gives you time to reflect on what just happened, validate each other’s feelings, and clear up anything that you weren’t able to mention during sex.

The bottom line.

Being a better lover is about removing the conditions and “shoulds” from sex and flowing into radical presence with each other. If you’re looking for a scale to measure yourself on, look to see how you can allow yourself to be more imperfect, curious, and completely yourself with your partner. Doing this will help with emotional and physical intimacy.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What’s The STD Knowledge Gap & Why Is It An Issue For Women’s Health?

By Alice Broster

Sex and health education has changed a lot over the last few decades. Depending on where you grew up, it’s more than likely that the syllabus being taught in schools now bears little to no resemblance to what was on offer when you were there. However, this has serious implications for your health and wellbeing as you get older. While the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has reported that sexually transmitted diseases are on the rise in the US and the UK, research has found that British and American adults are experiencing a knowledge gap when it comes to STDs, perhaps due to a lack of educational programming. 

Both the US and UK are seeing spikes in chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis. Along with a decline in condom use, the CDC reports that STD programming at the state and local level is lacking, and fewer people are receiving care due to budget cuts. Research conducted by the Superdrug Online Doctor found that when answering their 16 question STD quiz, the average score in the US was 35% and it was lower at 31% for UK respondents. That constitutes a fail in most high school health classes. Millennials had the most competent STD knowledge with their score averaging at 36% and Gen Z has the most to learn, with an average score of 30%.

42% of Americans could identify one symptom of chlamydia and women were more aware of how it could manifest. 66% of female respondents knew it doesn’t always show signs, compared to 47% of men. Superdrug Online Doctor attributed this to the fact that doctors have publicized the fact the chlamydia can be asymptomatic in women and can cause serious fertility issues, such as premature births and ectopic pregnancies.

Sex education isn’t standardized and no matter how open you are, there’s still taboo attached to certain conditions. “Talking about sexual health is often difficult for people as it’s such a personal and intimate issue. That’s why there’s always been a lot of misinformation and urban myths going around,” says Dr. Babak Ashrafi, at Superdrug Online Doctor, “the more we open up about sexual health and destigmatize it, the better informed we’ll all be.”

The prospect of contracting a sexually transmitted disease is scary but there are so many precautions you can take. Condoms are about 98% effective at preventing pregnancy and also protect you against most STDs. However, 63% of Americans and 54% of Brits thought wearing a male and female condom would be extra effective. This is a myth and might reduce its effectiveness.

If you’re sexually active you also have to take responsibility for your sexual health. “The key is accessibility. Restrictive opening hours or long waiting times can deter people from getting issues checked out, which can, in turn, see symptoms worsen and infections spread further due to delayed treatment,” says Dr. Simran Deo at UK-based online doctor, Zava UK, “this can in some cases lead to the need for more invasive treatments and can have an impact on fertility and general wellbeing. There is also the issue of embarrassment, many people are hesitant to speak to a doctor or medical professional about their sexual health, or would simply rather not know. Increasing awareness of online services and test-kits is a really good way to combat these accessibility issues.”

Walk-in centers, your gynecologist, online doctors and nonprofit organizations can provide crucial information to help you get clued up on the symptoms and consequences of STDs. They also provide crucial testing services. However, as many people are still in self-isolation during the COVID-19 pandemic and going to your doctor is ill-advised, using online resources is your best option at this time. “Our doctors at Superdrug Online Doctor are all on hand to offer personalized, confidential advice to anyone who needs it. Just message us through your account with your questions. Otherwise, your GP or local sexual health clinic are excellent sources of information, where you can also get the tests you need,” says Dr Ashrafi.

Just because you’re in lockdown during the COVID-19 pandemic doesn’t mean you have to let your sexual or reproductive health suffer. STDs are on the rise in the US and UK and as some can leave you with long-lasting medical complications or even infertility it’s so important to empower yourself with knowledge.

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Four key steps to reviving your sex life

By Jelena Kecmanovic

Early in the pandemic, many coupled patients in my therapy practice mentioned sex less than usual. It was crowded out by all the other existential concerns and emotional problems. But as the world starts to reopen and spring is in the air, their interest in sex — and concern about the pandemic’s effect on it — has picked up. “I wonder if we’ll ever have regular sex again,” “We got out of habit and I don’t know how to bring it up,” and “I just don’t feel sexy after all we’ve gone through — but I’d like to” are common laments I hear.

Research indicates sex has suffered during the past two years. A 2022 review of 22 studies, including 2,454 women and 3,765 men, found a decrease in sexual activity and higher rates of sexual dysfunction during the pandemic. Another review of research from 18 countries, conducted until April 2021, showed that women experienced lower sex frequency as well as a decline in sexual satisfaction.

Many factors have contributed to this compromised sexual functioning. Biological reasons include the facts that “people experienced more stress and fear, less exercise, worse diets, more drinking and smoking, and increased use of antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications,” said Ian Kerner, relationship and sex therapist in New York City and the author of “So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex: Laying Bare and Learning to Repair Our Love Lives.”

Furthermore, rates of anxiety, depression and relationship conflict, all of which adversely affect sex, have gone up during the pandemic. Gail Guttman, a relationship and sex therapist in the D.C. area, added that being stuck at home with a partner and kids and having no privacy also have contributed to worsening sexual functioning.

Research indicates that a robust sex life is associated with higher individual and couple well-being — and that can be especially important during stressful times. A January 2021 Italian study, for example, found that both women and men who had sex during the pandemic lockdown exhibited lower depression and anxiety.

With infection rates falling, mask mandates lifting and experts designing road maps that will hopefully leave the pandemic in our rearview mirrors, now seems like a good time for couples to reinvigorate their sex lives. “There is an opportunity here to not just get back to normal, but to improve things in creative ways,” said David Ley, a psychologist and sex therapist in Albuquerque. This seems especially important given that the frequency of intercourse and other partnered sexual activities was falling even before the pandemic.

Here are steps that Ley and others recommended to help couples find their way back to each other physically.

Decide together that sex is important

If a couple wants to rekindle their sex life, it needs to be a mutual decision, followed by action. “People might think things will just get better on their own. But we need to prioritize sex if we want to see a change,” said Cynthia Graham, a professor in sexual and reproductive health within psychology at the University of Southampton, in the United Kingdom.

How do you prioritize sex? First, assess whether your relationship’s level of trust and goodwill toward each other provides a safe base for rekindling sex. “Being able to unite and together work on improving your sex life, instead of seeing it as ‘me vs. you’ problem, is a good start,” said Ley.

Then, make space for sex in your life, working together to identify and overcome barriers. Some couples might discover that helping each other lower stress or reduce fatigue — perhaps with a reallocation or reprioritization of responsibilities — is what’s needed. Others might find that reviving their emotional intimacy is a prerequisite for being physically intimate; one way to do that is to take turns answering the 36 questions in this study that were shown to increase closeness.

What is particularly important is to let go of any presumptions about your libido, the way sex is supposed to go or what will constitute sexual intimacy on any given night. Expectations that you’ll feel burning desire, experience fireworks in bed and achieve simultaneous orgasms — ideas typically fueled by unrealistic media portrayals — often backfire, as sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski details in “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.” It is interesting that a significant number of older people report having satisfying sex lives because they learned to let go of assumptions and accept their bodies.

“You should replace sexual desire with willingness to show up and go through the motions which are pleasant for both of you, and might get you in the mood,” said Kerner. “Just being truly present goes a long way.”

Talk about sex

There is a paradox in our society: Sex is seemingly everywhere, all the time — in shows, videos, podcasts, magazines and ads, among other places — but couples at home avoid conversations about it. Many of my patients express high anxiety about the thought of bringing up anything pertaining to sex when talking with their partners, especially if they anticipate any disagreement. Mirroring my observations, a 2017 study found that couples feel much more anxious before conflictual conversations related to sex compared with other subjects.

Other research suggests that individuals in relationships also are reluctant to engage in sexual self-disclosure. “There is so much discomfort, shame, and fear of rejection that stops people from talking about sex,” said Ley. “And yet, the only way to improve your sex life is by discussing what optimal sex looks like for you and what’s standing in the way of achieving it. Sexual goals, preferences, fantasies and differences in desire levels can be all communicated and negotiated with empathy and kindness.”

Graham explained that sexual communication is strongly related to sexual satisfaction and that “there is a reciprocal relationship between sexual communication and desire.” So heed the advice of the 1990 song by Salt-N-Pepa, “Let’s Talk About Sex”: “Don’t be coy, avoid, or make void the topic / Cause that ain’t gonna stop it.” If you find yourself at a loss about how to broach the subject, any collection of sexually intimate questions — which can be found on relationship and wedding sites, and even Oprah.com — could give you some ideas. Be mindful to tailor your disclosures and questions to yourself and your partner.

Ignore the myth of spontaneity

Another cultural script that hurts our sex lives is the idea that — if you love each other — desire should appear out of nowhere, leading to hot, spontaneous sex. It turns out that only about 15 percent of women experience so-called spontaneous desire (the percentage is higher in men), and the rest have desire that is responsive to context, such as erotic materials, a sexy whisper or sensual smells. Imagining such things can increase desire, too.

So, there is nothing wrong with planning sex. “People are resistant to sex dates, but I remind them that sex was actually never completely spontaneous,” said Guttman. “When you were dating and thinking sex might happen, you’d put on nicer underwear.”

Kerner suggests picking a night to have sex, and then “living the whole day in a pro-sex way.” Imagination is your limit to what this could look like.

Increase novelty and play (not just in the bedroom)

Imagination is also crucial when it comes to brainstorming and engaging in activities with a partner in a way that broadens your sense of self and perspective of the world. Novel, surprising, and challenging activities have been shown to enhance sexual desire and satisfaction. So, be creative and join a Mediterranean cooking class together, learn to dance salsa or act like tourists in your own city.

After two years in raggedy leisure clothes, with limited interactions with the outside world, even dressing up and going out for a nice dinner (maybe in a new restaurant with a cuisine you’ve never tasted before) will feel adventurous and exciting. Even better if you make it a surprise.

If you want an additional boost in libido, try activities that get your and your partner’s heart-rate pumping. Hiking, biking, running or roller-coasters could do the trick

The common theme here is to allow yourself and your partner to step out of a goal-oriented, “responsible citizen” role for a bit. “The main advice I would give is: Play!” said Guttman. “Whether you go to a bar and pretend that you’re meeting for the first time, or you go on a little adventure to a sex toy store, in-person or online, what matters is being playful and laughing with your partner.”

Finally, “you can experiment with things that can enhance arousal,” said Kerner. “Pick [sexual] scenarios you think your partner would like and suggest them. You’ll be surprised how often they appreciate that. Or together enjoy some erotic literature, sexy podcast or steamy Netflix show.”

Now is our chance to rekindle passion and create better sex lives than before the pandemic. “Sex therapists all over the country that I supervise are noticing a sexual parallel to the Great Resignation,” said Ley. “There’s an explosion of interest in trying new ways of relating to each other and re-sparking.”

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