— how to talk to your partner about sex

It might be awkward at first, but opening up about your needs and desires can transform your relationship

By Hannah Booth

Sex is a life-affirming act, one of the most intimate things you can do with another person. But talking about it? So much harder. “You are much more vulnerable talking about sex than doing it,” says Justin Lehmiller, an academic who specialises in sex, love and relationships.

The good news is, at any stage in your life, you’ll be happier if you open up, say the experts – and your sex life will reap the benefits. As the sexual health charity the FPA advises: “By sharing your likes, dislikes and expectations, you can learn more about how to please each other.”

Bad communication about sex “is often a sign that you are communicating badly about everything,” says Krystal Woodbridge, a psychosexual and relationship therapist. “If a couple comes to me with a sexual problem, it’s rarely just about that one thing. For example, someone with low desire may have been harbouring 20 years of resentment about something else.”

Is talking about sex ever a bad idea? “It’s never good to complain about your partner’s performance,” says Cate Campbell, a therapist who specialises in relationship and psychosexual therapy. And always judge your partner’s comfort level, says Lehmiller. “Don’t bring up anything that might threaten them.”

So where do you start? Here are some tips on how to make your sex talk as helpful, productive and enjoyable as you can.

Get going straight away

It’s a good idea to start talking about sex early on in a relationship, says Lehmiller: the longer you wait, the harder it will become. “Establish trust and intimacy first with easier conversations, say about consent or contraception,” he says. “You can then move on to what feels good, and what doesn’t, and go from there.”

When it comes to sharing fantasies, “start low, and go slow”, he says. “Begin with some tame, vanilla fantasies to see how your partner responds. This will help build trust and intimacy. If you’re in a long-term relationship, you have time. Make sure you tell your partner what role they play in your fantasy, so they don’t feel excluded or threatened.”

… but it’s never too late to start

“If years or decades have gone by without a couple really talking about sex, I often suggest an amnesty,” says Woodbridge. “I tell them, forget everything that’s come before.” She tells couples to pretend they’ve never met. This helps them to focus on what they want in their future, rather than what’s happened in their past. Communication can be a real problem for older people, who haven’t grown up with the tools, says Campbell. “If a person is ‘relaunching’ later in life, perhaps after a divorce or the death of a partner, I encourage them to have a good chat about their expectations before jumping into bed with a new person.”

Open up about your fantasies

People find it hard to share their sexual fantasies – in fact, only half of us have, says Lehmiller, who surveyed more than 4,000 people for his 2018 book, Tell Me What You Want. But there’s a lot to gain from doing so. “People who discuss their fantasies report the happiest sexual relationships,” he says. “But there’s a lot of shame around them.”

Lehmiller’s research revealed that 97% of fantasies fall into the same broad categories: multipartner sex; rough sex; novelty and adventure; voyeurism and fetishes; non-monogamous sex; deeper emotional connection; and gender fluidity. “We’re more normal than we think we are,” he says. Sharing our fantasies – whether we act on them or not – is an easy way to introduce novelty into our sex lives. And simply expressing them may be arousing enough.

Timing is everything

“It might seem more natural to talk about sex just before or after you’ve had it,” says the FPA, “but talking in the heat of the moment, without your clothes on, might make you feel vulnerable.” Instead, make time away from the bedroom, at a time when neither of you are rushed.

This doesn’t apply when it comes to sharing your sexual fantasies – best to do this when you’re already turned on, says Lehmiller. “Your disgust response lessens when you’re aroused, so your partner may be more receptive. Break the ice: watch an erotic film, have some wine – find something that gets the ball rolling.”

Take responsibility for your own pleasure

“In couples therapy, one of the most effective exercises I do is ask couples to go away and focus purely on their own pleasure, rather than that of their partner,” says Campbell. “That way, they’re not thinking, ‘I’ve got to please this person’. It removes performance anxiety, which is really distracting. It’s transformational: when they do start talking, they have so much more knowledge to share.”

If you own your experience in this way, she says, it makes it harder to criticise the other person. Woodbridge agrees: “People believe they have the power to give another person an orgasm – they don’t. If you take ownership of your own orgasm, it’s within nobody’s power to “not” give you one.” In this way, it’s harder to blame the other person.

Be clear – and explain

Your partner is not a mind reader: if you don’t feel like sex because you’ve just had a coffee and your breath smells, or you’ve just been to the toilet and feel dirty, tell them that, says Campbell. Otherwise they won’t understand why they are being pushed away and will feel rejected. “A question I often ask couples in therapy is, how do you cope with no, and how do you deliver a no?” she says.

Be positive, not critical

Use “I” rather than “You” sentences, advises Zoë Bailie at The Mix, a charity that provides support for under-25s. “It’s less accusative, and puts you in control. So, ‘I feel …’ rather than ‘You make me feel …’.” Be nice to your partner, agrees Campbell. “Say, ‘I really like it when …’ rather than ‘Stop doing that’.”

Always say something positive – something your partner has done that you like, say – before you say something bad, says the FPA (this applies to non-sex conversations too).

“I call it ‘fact, feelings and fair request’,” says Woodbridge. “So – ‘I’ve noticed that you like …’ or ‘I feel that …’. It gives the other person useful feedback, as opposed to feeling nagged.” Be vocal about what does feel good – sometimes the conversation need go no further than ‘that felt really, really, good – let’s do that again’.

Listen – and ask questions

One of the biggest problems in communication is not that people don’t know how to talk, but they don’t know how to listen, says Campbell. “They are so worried about how to avoid hurting themselves or the other person, they spend the whole time thinking about what to say next, rather than really listening.”

How do you achieve this? “Park your emotional response, and try to be curious, detached and present,” says Woodbridge. “Say to your partner: ‘Tell me more about that.’”

Try to put yourself in their shoes, she says. “And you must try to accept what you’re hearing. We are hardwired to think that our reality is the only one, and that other perspectives are wrong.” Fix that, she says, and these tricky conversations will become much easier.

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