Tag: sex and relationship advice

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Why are some women still hesitant to masturbate?

“Why would I want to want to be intimate with myself? It feels like I would be doing something inappropriate.”

By BELLA BLACKWELL

Growing up, masturbation was often considered a taboo topic, shrouded in shame and awkwardness. The connotations surrounding female sexual pleasure (which largely do not apply to men) have understandably led to some women’s reluctance to try their hand at masturbation – literally.  

Fortunately, it’s become more normalised in recent times. Largely due to the pandemic and long lockdowns, vibrators and sex toys soared in popularity, with self-pleasure becoming the new self-care.

Many women (both single and in relationships) masturbate regularly, but not everyone is on board. According to certified sex coach Georgia Grace, there is a range of reasons why this may be the case. She lists “limited sex ed, not even knowing it’s a thing or how to do it, [and] living in a space that doesn’t allow for the privacy they need” as deterrents for some women.

Particularly for younger girls, female pleasure is rarely discussed and certainly not encouraged. For Amy*, who hasn’t masturbated, the topic never crossed her mind – it wasn’t spoken about at school or amongst her friends. “It wasn’t something I thought about and I didn’t think I was missing out on anything,” she tells me. 

Emma*, who’s also never masturbated, agrees. She explains “it wasn’t really talked about at all growing up, so it wasn’t on my radar in the slightest. I feel like I just missed the boat”. Sexual shame is a big thing for lots of women, who have been conditioned to see masturbation as weird or abnormal.

“I cringe at it and find it so awkward and taboo, it freaks me out and makes me uncomfortable. Being alone and doing a sexual thing feels wrong, even though I know it’s not,” Amy* says. “Why would I want to want to be intimate with myself? It feels like I would be doing something inappropriate.”

When sexual pleasure involves another person, it can be hard to shift that mentality and delve into a solo session. For Sophie*, who is recently single, orgasms are overshadowed by thoughts of her ex-boyfriend, leaving her reluctant to masturbate. “I think it’s a combination of feeling really sad, so not feeling sexual, and having overpowering thoughts of associating sex to being with him and I’m not with him, so I’m not inclined to do it,” she says. 

Even though self-pleasure can be painted as uncommon, unnecessary, or even wrong, it actually provides benefits for your physical and mental health. You might’ve heard of the post-orgasm glow for our skin, but masturbation can do wonders for our minds, too. “Orgasm releases the feel-good neurochemicals dopamine and oxytocin… that improve your mood, create a natural high, [and] boost your satisfaction,” says Georgia. 

While those in relationships may see it as redundant, masturbation can also improve sex with a partner. It “helps you learn about your body and creates more awareness of what you like,” Georgia explains. But even with all these benefits, masturbation can sometimes seem daunting. If you’re ready to give it a go but still have no clue where to start, don’t stress.

Georgia suggests “take the goal out of masturbating”, as this can lead to a lot of frustration stemming from difficulty achieving an orgasm. It’s all about discovering what feels good for you and enjoying the process. 

Mindful masturbation practices can be a great way to start. “Place both hands on your body and ask yourself, ‘Where do I feel pleasure in my body?’ This feeling may be subtle or it may be obvious, whatever it is, be with it,” Georgia says. “Bring awareness to your body and continue this process of intending to feel for pleasure and scan your body as a whole. What do you notice?”

Masturbation is an opportunity to explore your body, so slow it down! “Take time to build arousal,” Georgia says. “Start with full body touch, lengthening your exhale, pouring lube on your body/genitals.” Then, move on to external stimulation. “With a full palm start stroking upwards, massaging your clit in circles, up and down, side to side, playing with pressure and speed,” Georgia tells me.

While clitoral arousal is great, you can also give internal stimulation a try. Many vulva owners will be familiar with the noble-yet-often-unsuccessful quest for the elusive internal orgasm. Try “using a ‘come here’ motion with your fingers or a toy to stimulate the G-spot,” she suggests.

It may take a second for vulva owners who are reluctant to masturbate to unlearn the shame they feel surrounding self-pleasure. But the key point to remember is no matter the method you choose, masturbation is totally normal, enjoyable, and healthy. Give it a go – you might like it.

*Names have been changed.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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You Should Be Using More Lube

Forget what you’ve heard—sexual lubricants are a nightstand essential.

By Jaina Grey

I love lube. To me, having sex without lube is like brushing your teeth with a dry toothbrush. It might get the job done, but the result is … sticky, kind of painful, and doesn’t leave you feeling refreshed. Lube is not an optional luxury that sits in the bedside drawer waiting for the “right moment.” Whether you are spending some intimate time with yourself, a partner, or many partners, an intimate lubricant should be involved.

No bedroom is complete without at least one or two varieties on hand, especially if you’re planning to use sex toys. (You should be using sex toys, but that’s another story.) As far as I’m concerned, lube is as essential for sex as condoms and clean hands. If I show up at someone’s house for a good time and there isn’t lube waiting on the nightstand, I’m heading out the door.

No Lube, No Boob

I was surprised to learn that not everyone is with me on this. In the (albeit mostly queer and Pacific Northwestern) bedrooms I’ve been in, lube has been as common as bedsheets and tarot cards. If you haven’t tried lube before, or if you have some reservations, that’s probably not your fault. There are powerful forces working to convince you that you should be out there raw-dogging it. Dark forces, gathering in the night, who seek only to chafe your genitals.

One of these malicious creatures is misogyny—it tells us that using an intimate lubricant is somehow a failing; that needing it for sex is a failure on your part or your partner’s. It whispers: How dare you not get wetter; there must be something wrong with your body.

Another monster under the bed is machismo. It tells us that using lube means you’re a bad lover and that you’ve failed to get your partner excited. It’s all nonsense. There is nothing wrong with your body. There’s nothing wrong with your technique. Sometimes bodies don’t do what we want them to and, surprise, surprise, sometimes genitals don’t behave in the way that movies, TV, books, and porn tell us they should.

Pleasure Is Not the Enemy

What’s disheartening is that these attitudes continue to shape not only a popular opinion but medical research into sexual health. Most of the studies I looked into while researching this story focused on intimate lubricants focus on curing a problem. I found only one or two that even mention sexual pleasure, and one of those is a study about how few articles about sexual health mention sexual pleasure. It’s 2022, can we please quit pretending that people shouldn’t enjoy getting off? Or that sexual pleasure isn’t important? Because it is. Put that Plymouth-Rock-Puritanical-Hester-Prynne nonsense in the rearview.

Maude Shine Organic Water-Based Lube

Anyone who has ever touched themselves knows that having a little extra something (saliva, naturally occurring moisture, etc) makes it feel better. And feeling good is the whole point! Water-based or silicone-based lubes made from high-quality ingredients can be like rocket fuel for your sexual pleasure.

Not only do they prevent chafing (and microscopic tears) on the most sensitive parts of your body, but they make things feel so much better. Lube is like sexual MSG. It makes everything better, and some people are weirdly afraid of it.

Let’s Get Down to Business

OK, so where do you start? Easy peasy: Order yourself a bottle of any unscented, unflavored, glycerin-free, water-based lube. You don’t want any scent, because when you’re in the thick of it, it’s going to make things smell weird. (It’s the same deal with flavored lubes.) Ideally, you want lubes that have as few ingredients as possible. Keep it simple.

Dame Alu Water-Based Lube

Brands like Sliquid fit the bill and feel great to use on any genitals, plus they’re inexpensive. In my experience, they can leave you feeling a little sticky afterward. For a more premium lube, I’d point you to ones from Maude or Dame. These lubes meet the above criteria but leave a nice clean finish and last a little longer when you’re using them.

The other major kind of lube you’ll encounter is silicone-based. These lubes are oil-based, meaning they last a lot longer than water-based lubes, as your body won’t absorb them as quickly; it makes them the most common choice for anal play and anal sex. However, they can interfere with vaginal flora, so it’s generally not advised to use them for vaginal play or vaginal sex.

There is also one other big caveat with silicone-based lubes: You can’t use them with silicone sex toys. Silicone lube can make silicone toys degrade over time. If you use silicone lube with a silicone toy, make sure you use a condom. My favorites here are from the same brands as above:Sliquid and Maude.

Other than that, my only remaining advice is this: Play! Play with yourself. Get a lube, set aside some time, grab a favorite toy, and go ham. The only way to learn how to use lubes is to use them, and the best way to practice is with yourself. Learn how well they apply, how much you like to use, and where the best place to store them is. Sex should be easy, be friction-free, and feel great—and a good lube will help with all three

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Outercourse the Same Thing as Abstinence?

— And 5 Other Questions, Answered

By Maisha Johnson

What is it?

Outercourse is an option for sexual activity without intercourse. When you get down to the details, that means different things to different people.

For some, it’s everything except penis-in-vagina (PIV) penetration. For others, outercourse means no penetration of any kind, including fingers, sex toys, and anal sex.

Some choose outercourse as a safe sex alternative. They put boundaries around any activity that can cause pregnancy or transmit sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

Your personal definition of outercourse may depend on your reasons for trying it.

Intrigued? Read on to learn more about how it works and what this might mean for you.

Is it the same thing as abstinence?

It might!
Like outercourse, being abstinent can have different meanings, depending on who you ask.

Some people practice abstinence because they’re not yet ready for sexual activity. For them, being abstinent may mean no outercourse.

For others, the definitions of abstinence and outercourse can overlap.

If you think of sex as any type of penetration, for example, then sticking to sexual acts without penetration can count as abstinence.

What counts as outercourse?

Since the definition of outercourse varies, the activities that count as outercourse all depend on who’s practicing it.

Outercourse might include any of the following:

Kissing

Don’t underestimate the power of a kiss. Making out can be a great way to build intimacy. Kissing different parts of the body can help you and your partner discover what turns you on.

Massage

Getting your massage on can be super sexy in the right circumstances. Set the scene with some candles or mood lighting, and use lubrication like hot or scented oils. Share intimate details with your partner about where you both like to get rubbed down.

Dry humping

That’s a term you might not have heard in a while. But dry humping isn’t just for teenagers. Grinding your body against your partner’s can be pleasurable at any age. You can even see how you like different positions, clothing materials, and role play for different types of pleasure.

Mutual masturbation (in some definitions)

Who knows how you like to be touched better than yourself? Masturbation doesn’t have to be a solo activity. You and your partner can masturbate together while kissing, cuddling, and showing each other what feels good.

Sex toys (in some definitions)

There’s a whole world of sex toys out there just waiting to be explored, and there’s a good chance you can find one for the type of stimulation you’re looking for.

For example, if you want genital stimulation without penetration, vibrators can target the clitoris or the head of the penis for an arousing time.

Manual stimulation (in some definitions)

You and your partner can take turns pleasuring each other with hand jobs or fingering, or pleasure each other at the same time.

Here’s one way to keep things exciting: Try various types of lubricants, like warming and cooling lubes, to see how you like different sensations along with your hand and finger play.

Oral sex (in some definitions)

Blow jobs, cunnilingus, rimming: There are many options for using your mouth on your partner’s genitals and other pleasure zones. And when your partner’s mouth is giving you oral sex, let them know what you’d like more and less of.

Anal sex (in some definitions)

Anal sex can be enjoyable for people of all genders and can involve a penis or sex toys. Your ideal sex toys for anal penetration might be different from the ones you like for other body parts, so anal play can be a chance to try out new toys.

Is pregnancy possible?

No intercourse, no pregnancy, right? At least, that’s usually the idea if intercourse would mean PIV penetration.

It’s true that the chances of pregnancy from outercourse are pretty slim, but it isn’t impossible.

Pregnancy can happen if fluids get in the vagina, like by accidentally dripping semen on the vulva or by fingering the vagina after touching semen.

Washing hands after handling ejaculate or pre-ejaculate can help, as well as being careful about where semen ends up anytime it’s involved in your outercourse.

Another case that could result in pregnancy? Deciding in the moment that you want to have intercourse after all.

If you’re ready for it, and both you and your partner are in agreement, there’s no reason to beat yourself up about it.

But unprotected PIV sex can get you or your partner pregnant, even if it only happens once.

Just in case this happens, it’s helpful to keep protection like condoms on hand or to be on birth control.

Are STIs possible?

Contracting STIs is also possible in some cases.

Anytime your outercourse includes genital contact or sexual fluids (like semen and vaginal wetness), there’s a risk of STIs.

For example, if you dry hump naked or with only underwear, the skin-to-skin contact can transfer bodily fluids even without penetration.

Oral sex, anal sex, and sharing sex toys can also pass STIs.

To reduce your risk, use protection like dental dams and condoms. Get tested regularly if you’re doing anything that might put you at risk for STIs.

What’s the point?

Still wondering why outercourse is worth it when you could be having “real sex” instead?

Well, don’t knock it just yet. There are many situations where outercourse might be a great option.

Anyone can practice outercourse, no matter your gender, sexual orientation, or whether or not you’ve had intercourse before.

Here are some reasons a person might be interested in outercourse:

  • You don’t have protection, like if you forgot to bring condoms or take your birth control.
  • One partner doesn’t want to be penetrated or penetrate due to not feeling ready, a painful health condition, trauma, or body dysphoria.
  • You’re tracking fertility and want to avoid the risk of pregnancy on days when one partner is more likely to get pregnant.
  • You want to avoid having sex during your period or your partner’s period.
  • One partner is having a condition flare up or not feeling up for intercourse.
  • You want to understand your own body more.
  • You want to practice and learn how to ask for what you want, or learn more about your partner’s likes and dislikes.
  • You or your partner aren’t interested or ready yet for sex.
  • You’ve tried intercourse and decided you need more time before you’re ready for more.
  • You want to mix things up and try something sexual that’s not intercourse.
  • You’d like to learn how to get the most out of your foreplay leading up to intercourse.

The bottom line

It’s easy to get trapped into thinking that sex means one course of action: foreplay, penetration, and orgasm.

But there are many ways to enjoy sexual pleasure. Lots of people have body types, desires, and needs that go beyond traditional ideas of intercourse.

Exploring the options outside of intercourse has proven to increase sexual pleasure, even for people who practice intercourse, too.

Regardless of your reasons for practicing it, outercourse is a fun way to try new things, focus on different pleasures, and explore what sensuality really means to you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Don’t believe the myth it’s more difficult to satisfy women

The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax when flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes.

By Kathy Lette

So, girls, what would you like for Christmas? I’m sure I speak for most women when I say that top of my wish list is … for all my Christmases to come at once. As if unequal pay isn’t enough to make females fume, apparently we are also suffering a pleasure gap. According to American Professor Elisabeth Lloyd’s analysis of 33 studies on sexuality, three-quarters of females don’t achieve regular vaginal orgasm. Women are also only having one orgasm for every three racked up by blokes.

And don’t believe the myth that it’s more difficult to satisfy women. The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax when flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes. The only women achieving the same Big O rate as men are lesbians. Obviously this is because women do not think that the clitoris is a beach in Crete and appreciate its function as the only part of human anatomy that exists purely for pleasure.

Women also understand that it’s impossible to have Academy Award-winning orgasms without an erotic warm-up. There’s so much emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay? Let’s face it, some blokes can fake a whole damn relationship!

And yet, while research reveals that the average woman requires at least 10 minutes of foreplay, most heterosexual encounters last between three and seven minutes. You don’t have to be Einstein to work out that this amatory calculation can’t add up.

I do all my own research in a detailed, scientific fashion – over cocktails with girlfriends – and what I’ve gleaned is that if a partner does attempt a little half-hearted foreplay, he invariably prods away at the clitoris as though it’s an elevator button and he’s running late for a meeting. It is then a woman is tempted to roll her eyes and grumble, “Just take the stairs.”

Without doubt, what hubbies call a “quickie”, most women would dismiss as premature ejaculation. Do you know the difference between a husband and a toy boy? About three hours.

Of course, mums go off sex because they’re exhausted. If men did more housework, women would have energy for other things. Oh, the orgasmic joy of being made love to by a man who has just vacuumed your entire house!

Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. And yet the female orgasm remains more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump. But new in-depth research (literally) has just discovered that there are three orgasmic varieties on erotic offer for us gals: a “wave”, a “volcano” or an “avalanche”.

James Pfaus, professor of neuroscience at Prague’s Charles University, explains that the names refer to pelvic floor movements during the build-up to orgasm and the release. Apparently, when the female volunteers climaxed, special sensors on their Bluetooth-connected vibrators predominantly showed one of three muscle patterns: wave-like undulations along the lower pelvic floor; an avalanche of contractions from the higher area; or a volcano eruption of exploding tension.

Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. And yet the female orgasm remains more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump.

For the study, 54 women were instructed to self-stimulate and then turn the vibrator off for two minutes after reaching orgasm. This exercise was then repeated over several days in their own homes, which must rate as the best homework assignment ever. (I doubt there’s been digital action like this since Proust wrote all seven volumes, longhand. Perhaps an unexpected upside was the wearing off of fingerprints, meaning they can now also commit the perfect crime?)

Anyway, to conclude this “Kama Sutra For One” experience, the volunteers were also asked to perform a control test in which they inserted the vibrator but did not stimulate themselves. Data was then analysed to reveal that nearly 50 per cent (26 women) enjoyed wave orgasms, while 17 relished avalanches and 11 delighted in volcanoes.

So boys, it’s basically now up to you to do your horizontal homework. Put in enough dedicated practice and your female partner will soon be so pleasured that when she cries out, you won’t be sure whether it’s an orgasm or a demonic possession. Should you share a post-coital cigarette or call an exorcist?

In short, if a woman is happy in bed, she’s going to want to spend a hell of a lot more time in it, with you. And it will be Oh, OH! OHHHH! What a feeling! So here’s to an intensely satisfying holiday season with a very, very happy ending.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The 8 Biggest Secrets Sex Therapists Wish Couples Knew

Those red flags in the bedroom might not be as troubling as you think.

By Dana Schulz

Talking about sex, especially to a stranger, is not something that comes naturally to a lot of people. It can bring up feelings of embarrassment, shame, or inadequacy—all of which is why even couples who seek out a sex therapist can skirt around the issue. This leads to a lot of misconceptions about intimacy, from thinking that having less sex means your partner is cheating to believing that sex toys are only for couples with major issues. That’s why we spoke to sex therapists to learn the biggest secrets they wish couples knew. Read on for expert advice that might change your whole outlook in the bedroom.

1 A change in frequency is normal… and chemical!

For many couples, one of the most worrisome signs in the bedroom is when they stop having as much sex. But if you’ve been together for a long time, this might not be quite the red flag you think it is.

“Understanding that desire changes, ebbs, and flows throughout life is normal,” says Gigi Engle, ACS, resident intimacy expert at 3Fun and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life. “We need to work with it, not have unrealistic expectations.”

According to Engle, there is something called New Relationship Energy (NRE), which is that intoxicating feeling of lust when we first meet someone new. “We are majorly all over each other because our brains are awash in feel-good hormones like oxytocin and dopamine,” she says. “That’s why we feel so sexually aroused and horny all the time in new relationships—we don’t need as much of all the other situational factors.”

However, once we settle into a more comfortable and familiar pattern, “the love hormone or cuddle chemical oxytocin” decreases, according to Tatyana Dyachenko, sexual and relationship therapist at Peaches & Screams. She advises long-term couples to try something new in the bedroom to spike these chemicals.

2 Women get bored more often than men do.

Society tends to depict men as more likely to cheat and as having a larger sexual appetite. But according to Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, sex and relationship expert at Luvbites, “research has found that women get bored of sex with their partner a lot faster than men.”

One such study that corroborates this was published in 2017 in the British Medical Journal. It found that women were twice as likely as men to lose interest in sex after a year of being together or while living with their partner.

Likewise, a 2012 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy concluded that “women’s sexual desire was significantly and negatively predicted by relationship duration,” whereas that was not the case for men.

Suwinyattichaiporn says it’s important to understand this so partners of women can prioritize “passion, excitement, playfulness, and variety.”

3 Sometimes there is a lack of attraction.

This is a hard truth, but sometimes couples find themselves not having sex because one person has stopped finding the other attractive. “Many long-term couples don’t find their partner attractive and lose sexual interest in them,” says Suwinyattichaiporn.

That doesn’t just mean physical attraction. If you’ve grown grumpy or no longer enjoy discussing the topics you used to, these could also hinder your partner’s desire. “The advice is rather simple, take care of yourself physically, mentally, and intellectually,” says Suwinyattichaiporn.

It’s also important to note that women may find their partner less attractive during certain times of their menstrual cycle, according to a 2020 study published in Biological Psychology.

“Women’s hormone levels change across their ovulatory cycles, and these changes are likely to affect their psychology and, perhaps, the way they feel toward their romantic partner,” study author Francesca Righetti, an associate professor at the Department of Experimental and Applied Psychology at the VU Amsterdam, told PsyPost. “We found that the hormone that peaks just prior to ovulation, estradiol, was associated with more negative partner evaluation.”

4 Sex is more than penetration and/or an orgasm.

There are so many ways to be intimate with your partner, many of which don’t include penetration and don’t have to end in an orgasm.

“Anytime we hug, kiss, rub, squeeze, and nuzzle into a romantic partner, there is an intimate charge,” explains Engle. “This doesn’t involve the touching of genitals but is intimately based in that it allows us to meet the needs of sex like feeling desired, expressing desire, and connecting in a way unique to us as sexual partners.”

Realizing and appreciating this can take a lot of the pressure off couples who are struggling in the bedroom. “When we feel like every hug, kiss, and nuzzle is going to need to be followed up with sex, we start to avoid it. Allowing it to take root back in your relationship can be the balm that heals it,” Engle adds.

5 Sex toys don’t mean there’s a problem.

Sex therapists find that oftentimes their clients equate sex toys with a problem in their sexual intimacy. But that is not the case.

“Even couples who have great sex integrate sex toys into their sexual routine for new stimulations and deeper orgasms,” explains Dyachenko.

According to Engle, staying curious and trying new things is, in fact, one of the best ways to recreate some of that NRE energy. “Rekindled relationship energy is important because it encourages the new couple to spend time together and get to know each other,” she says. “It is the time where trust is built and the foundations of the relationships are established.”

6 Infidelity can strengthen a relationship.

Cheating is usually considered the most unforgivable offense in a relationship, but according to Lee Phillips, LCSW, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist, with the correct guidance, infidelity can actually strengthen a partnership.

“People usually do not wake up, and say, ‘I am going to cheat on my partner today.’ Usually, there is an emotional disconnection that has led to resentment causing this ultimate betrayal,” explains Phillips. “Couples can learn to identify why the infidelity occurred and heal from it by identifying a ‘new normal’ of their relationship … This is something that could have been missing for years.”

To work through an issue as complex as infidelity, it’s advisable to see a couple’s counselor.

7 Communication is key.

It might sound obvious, but sex therapists find that so many of their clients lose sight of how important it is to communicate about sex.

“There is this idea that when a couple has sex, they just do it. However, sex is about pleasure, and it is important to talk about what sex and pleasure mean to the both of you,” advises Phillips. She notes that in many cases, couples will discuss sex at the beginning of a relationship but not as time goes on. And, as we know, sexual desires and libidos change over time.

Nicole Schafer, LPC, a sex and relationship coach, adds that communication can itself be sexy. “Learn to take things slowly and draw it out. Take your time, focusing on the details of each other while communicating with your partner about what you like and don’t like, or what they love or wish you would do,” she suggests. “The build-up and attention to detail will make your time together phenomenal.”

8 Setting boundaries can help.

It’s important to remember that both you and your partner should never have to feel uncomfortable with sex.

“Boundaries can be healthy, and they are a way of showing respect to your partner,” says Phillips. “Here are some examples of boundaries: I know that you are feeling sexual, but I am just not in the mood, can we try this weekend? I am not a mind reader; can you please tell me what you are thinking? I am still thinking about what you said the other night, I need more time to think about it.”

Being open will help you both relax and be more receptive to intimacy.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex After 50

— Don’t Lose That Lovin’ Feeling


Connection, communication and self-acceptance keep intimacy alive

By Lisa B. Samalonis

Although advancing age can pose some challenges to a healthy sex life, with a shift in perspective, intimacy can still be satisfying, good for your health and overall fun.
Frequently discussed obstacles include:

  • Vaginal dryness/atrophy.
  • Erectile dysfunction.
  • Lost libido.
  • More extended refractory periods.
  • Sexually transmitted infections.
  • The emotional toll of disappointing encounters and disconnection.

However, the future does not have to be bleak. “We all need to acknowledge that sex after fifty (like pretty much anything with our bodies) isn’t the same as when we were twenty,” said Karyn Eilber, MD, a board-certified urologist and associate professor of urology and obstetrics and gynecology at Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles.

With age comes experience. “Middle age also brings wisdom and confidence in our lives, so why not take that wisdom and confidence to the bedroom?” she suggests. Noting that with some education and normalization of the discussion of sexual health, women and their partners can benefit.

For example, women can discuss hormone replacement therapy with their doctor if they are experiencing menopause-related issues. Incontinence and prolapse can also affect a woman’s sex life after 50.

Also, pelvic floor physical therapy for a more robust pelvic floor may improve incontinence, prolapse, and sexual function.

Vital Connection

Emotional connectivity is central to long-term well-being and satisfaction. Previous studies show that loneliness, or feeling alone regardless of the amount of social contact and touch starvation (when a person has little to no physical contact for a prolonged time), might contribute to chronic disease.

“Chronological age does not define me.”

These include depression and anxiety, as well as an increase in stress, cortisol and infection, poor quality of sleep, and digestive issues.

According to Daniel Boyer, MD, of Farr Institute in Des Moines, Iowa, maintaining a closer relationship can help improve mental and physical health and increase creativity, productivity and social interaction.

Intimacy can also provide a sense of security, help build strong relationships and deepen connections with others.

Shifting Your Mindset

Confronting myths and misconceptions about sex in middle age — such as “people age out of sex,” “it is unsatisfying,” “desire is not existent as we age,” or “older bodies are unattractive” — leads to enhanced intimacy.

The issue of unconscious ageism is often a critical factor that affects sexuality and sexual intimacy, said Carla Marie Manly, PhD., a clinical psychologist and author of “Aging Joyfully.”

“While we can often get support from medical practitioners to help with underlying physical changes, the psychological elements that affect sexuality and a sense of self are often overlooked,” Manly said.

She also noted that people in their 50s can enjoy the best sex by letting go of stereotypes and exploring the beauty of more mature sexuality.

Becoming aware of often-unconscious self-ageism is the first step. Then age-negative thoughts, such as “younger women/men are more desirable” or “I am fat and past my prime,” can be addressed and transformed into a more age-positive attitude.

Phrases like “chronological age does not define me,” “I am glad to be able to contribute my energy to my community,” or “I enjoy giving and sharing with those I love” are a few examples. In addition, practicing a mantra, such as “I am a valuable, passionate, resilient person” or “I love who I am,” is helpful.

Another common misconception is that libido fades or ends as we get older so that in the late adulthood stage of life, individuals no longer have sexual desire, explained cognitive behavioral coachRobin Buckley, PhD.

Evaluating the relationship with their partner and the relationship with themselves are two things people can do to get to their version of ideal sexual desire.

“This is inaccurate and becomes part of how society dehumanizes older individuals. Yes, libido can vary with age and biological changes, but it doesn’t mean it is the end of our sexual desire. It might take different strategies to encourage and sustain the libido, but it is possible to have a strong libido throughout life.”

Evaluating the relationship with their partner and the relationship with themselves are two things people can do to get to their version of ideal sexual desire.

“If you are in a relationship, take time to determine what parts of it are satisfying and what parts you’d like to improve so you can improve your experience. This will likely increase your libido because you will be and will feel more connected to your partner,” she said.

Whether coupled or uncoupled, taking time to appreciate yourself is essential for self-esteem and libido. “This includes doing things that connect you to the things you love. Tap into your sensuality through experiences that stimulate your senses. Talk to yourself as you would to your best friend,” Buckley added.

Jessica Jolie Badonsky, a registered family nurse practitioner, emphasized people are more than the sum of their aging parts. For example, men’s refractory time lengthens with age, meaning after orgasm and ejaculation, it may take longer until the body is primed to do it again.

“This doesn’t mean that sex has to stop. On the contrary, the organ that can get stimulated over and over is the biggest sex organ, the brain,” Badonsky said.

Moreover, by expanding the definition of sex (not just penetration/orgasm), couples can bring in erotic elements, such as spending more time cuddling, kissing, talking, and exploring touch, like mutual massage.

Extended foreplay allows couples to take time to get in the mood, set it, and discuss what they want. Often post-menopausal women can have vaginal dryness even while excited, so vaginal moisturizers that are pH balanced and as free from fragrance and additives as possible can be used.

Maintain and Revive The Connection

Frequently people over 50 have more time for romance, said Lisa Concepcion, a certified professional life and relationship coach. “There’s an excellent window of opportunity to reinvent and reconnect as a couple once the nest is empty and before grandchildren.”

For instance, couples who have raised kids can come together and decide on what they want to achieve in this next stage of life. Couples who set new goals connect, and where there’s a connection, there’s intimacy and good sex,” she suggested.

Although some people might not feel comfortable talking about what they desire…speaking up can deepen their emotional and physical connection.

Buckley advocated making a confidential appointment, such as a date night or time in the early morning, to relax and reconnect. “As adults, we tend to put important things on our calendars, like appointments, work meetings, and vacations, to ensure we remember to do them and to allow enough time for those activities to occur,” she said.

“Research shows that as individuals enter midlife, the frequency of sex decreases due to children, care for elderly parents, and work/life stressors. If having time to connect with your partner physically and emotionally is important to you, then why wouldn’t it be on your calendar to make sure it happens?” she said.

“Keeping the libido stimulated through masturbation, physical affection, or sexual touching helps keep your libido engaged. Having a regular sex life is part of the process.”

Communicate Wants and Feelings

Creating a space to communicate honestly and freely without negative consequences is part of sustaining a solid connection with your partner. Once individuals know themselves and their preferences, they can better communicate them to their partners.

“Many women are still ashamed of the idea of masturbation due to societal double standards and stereotypes regarding sexuality and women. But when approximately 15% of women have never had an orgasm, and 81% do not orgasm through vaginal penetration, the most significant benefit masturbation offers for women is an understanding of what sexual practices work best for their body,” said Buckley.

Likewise, women can learn to use different techniques to achieve the best results. “They develop greater awareness about their individualized signs of arousal or climax and learn how to control their responses, creating sexual experiences they want.”

Although some people might not feel comfortable talking about what they desire physically or emotionally, speaking up can deepen their emotional and physical connection.

More Intimacy Tips

  • Accept each other “as is:” Despite your current body (sagging breasts, a big stomach, or a slow start-up to arousal), accepting oneself is vital.
  • Strive for ease: Be playful and use humor to lighten the mood, which can ease embarrassment if things don’t go as planned. When problems occur, switch from intercourse to whole-body light touching and kissing or agree to cuddle and talk. Then try again later.
  • Be health conscious: Activities that contribute to physical health also contribute to higher libido. So, get on a regular sleep schedule, avoid smoking, keep to a nutrition plan rich in vegetables, lean proteins and low in sugar and exercise daily.
  • Get physical: Life coach Concepcion, 51, says she and her partner prioritize physical health. “The sex is the best of my life. We’re making love five days a week on average,” she says. “We both maintain good health. We work in our home gym, walk five miles three times weekly, and have fun cooking low-carb meals together. Stretching for ten minutes daily can make a big difference in the bedroom.”
  • Manage mental health: High stress or anxiety levels can reduce libido. Managing these are beneficial for sexual desire and physical health, Buckley notes. Orgasms are an effective method to relieve stress, so masturbation should be a part of self-care.
  • Talk it out: “If there are any issues in your relationship—or your past, such as trauma, abuse or shame—it pays to find a compatible therapist and delve into them,” says sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D. “Your partner can accompany you to a couples’ counselor; if they don’t go, do it solo.”
  • Keep exploring: For some users, sexual toys add to the intimate experience. “Toys can be great fun, extremely pleasurable, and a way to explore, but they can also help partners deal with anorgasmia (delayed, infrequent, or absent orgasms), erectile dysfunction, and other situations that change or affect our sexual expression,” explains Queen. “More importantly, playing with sex toys helps de-center simplistic ideas of what sex should or must be and helps people understand that pleasure can be whole-body and accessible in many ways. That can reassure people whose bodies are changing or who never felt they were getting the kind of stimulation that worked for them in the first place. But beyond that, it can open doors to erotic possibilities many people might not have explored, which can help couples think about intimacy differently.”
  • Advocate for your health: Speak up and discuss changes in your body, pain, difficulties, and concerns with your physician.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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4 tips to try virtual sex and add some sizzle to your relationship

— If you frequently travel for work, then virtual sex is a way to keep that intimate connection with your partner(s).

by Rebecca Strong

  • Virtual sex includes things like steamy texts, nude pics, or mutual masturbation via phone or video.
  • Swapping sexy photos and messages can add novelty and intimacy to any type of relationship.
  • After checking with your partner, you can start by sending a flirty photo or describing a fantasy.

Technology plays an increasing role in nearly every aspect of everyday life, and sex is no exception.

Virtual sex aka cybersex, which includes any kind of sexual activity via your phone, computer, or another digital device, has become more popular — particularly since the COVID-19 pandemic.

In fact, a 2021 study found that more than half of adults engaged in some form of virtual sex since the beginning of the pandemic.

Some examples of virtual sex with a partner might include:

Virtual sex offers a safe, convenient way of experiencing pleasure with your partner, no matter your distance or what kind of relationship you’re in.

Below, experts share just some of the benefits, plus some guidance on how to get the most out of your virtual experiences.

Why try it?

Virtual sex is great for long-distance couples seeking to build intimacy from afar, according to Javay Frye-Nekrasova, a certified sex educator with Lovehoney.

According to research from the Kinsey Institute, an organization that focuses on the study of human sexuality, people can feel both physically and emotionally connected to their partners during virtual sex. Feeling more connected to your partner may, in turn, help strengthen your relationship.

A few other reasons why you might consider virtual sex, according to Jess O’Reilly, PhD, a sexologist and relationship expert:

If you don’t choose to stick with virtual sex for any particular reason, O’Reilly says you still might try it just to add some variety to your sex life — especially if sex has started to feel monotonous or stale.

Even if you and your partner live together, you can still build anticipation and excitement via texting while out of the house during the day, or even when in separate rooms at home, says Suzannah Weiss, certified sex educator and resident sexologist for Biird.

Tips and tricks

Whether you’re trying virtual sex for the first time with a willing and eager partner or trying to figure out how to bring up the option to your significant other, these expert tips can help.

1. Gauge your partner’s interest

If you and your partner have never tried virtual sex before, it’s natural to feel a little awkward or self-conscious about bringing it up — but approaching the subject with curiosity can help.

One way to ease into the conversation, O’Reilly says, is to use popular culture as a reference.

For example, you might say: “I saw this [phone sex, video sex] scene in [XYZ movie or show] and I thought that might be fun,” and then follow up with, “Have you ever done that before?” or “How do you feel about that? Is it something you might be interested in trying?”

If your partner is open to trying virtual sex, O’Reilly suggests digging deeper into the specifics of their desires. For instance, you could ask:

  • “Do you prefer phone sex or video sex?”
  • “Are there certain things you’d like to see or hear?”
  • “How do you feel about receiving sexy images over text?”

These questions can then lead to a deeper discussion about their interests — and boundaries — around virtual sex.

2. Start with texts or voice notes

Being on camera can make you feel vulnerable or self-conscious. That’s why Frye-Nekrasova and O’Reilly advise starting with texts or voice notes to help you get more comfortable with the idea of virtual sex.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

  • “I can’t stop thinking about that time we…”
  • “Later tonight, I’d love to try…”
  • “How’d you like to see a photo of what I’m (not) wearing?”

You can also try recording and sending your partner flirty voice notes, O’Reilly says, to get more comfortable talking about your fantasies or desires.

Once you’re ready to progress things, you can move on to initiating phone sex, suggests Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, a relationship coach and associate professor of sexual and relational communication at California State University Fullerton.

A bonus is that with phone sex, you may have an easier time relaxing and enjoying the experience without as much pressure to perform.

3. Consider planning virtual sex ahead of time

While spontaneously having virtual sex can be exciting, you might want to try scheduling it ahead of time when you’re first starting out. Suwinyattichaiporn says this can help you mentally, emotionally, and physically prepare — however you need to.

For example, if you know in advance that you and your partner plan to have phone sex on a particular evening, you can try meditating, taking a warm bath, or listening to soothing soundscapes beforehand to help you relax and get in the mood.

4. Avoid setting lofty expectations

Frye-Nekrasova advises going into the experience simply with the objective of experiencing something new, instead of expecting something specific, like having an orgasm.

“When we approach things with the goal being fun, it automatically reduces pressure,” she says.

Things to keep in mind

Virtual sex may not work for everyone. O’Reilly advises being honest with your partner if you decide it’s not for you.

It’s also a good idea to be specific about the kinds of acts you aren’t comfortable with right from the start. At the same time, feel free to share the things that do excite or interest you. For example, you might decide to skip video or phone sex but continue sexting and sending sexy photos.

It’s also important to consider your trust level in your partner when digitally exchanging sexual photos and videos, Suwinyattichaiporn says. Even if you trust your partner not to share this digital content, there’s a possibility hackers could gain access to it.

To ensure your security and privacy:

  • Weiss recommends using an encrypted app like Telegram or Signal to exchange messages
  • Frye-Nekrasova advises using a passcode-protected app to store photos and videos.
  • You may also want to consider setting some guidelines with your partner around saving or destroying shared content after viewing.

Insider’s takeaway

Virtual sex offers the opportunity to build and maintain intimacy — even from a distance. Whether you and your partner decide to try phone sex, mutual masturbation over video chat, or exchanging sexy texts and photos, virtual sex can bring some variety and novelty to relationships of all kinds and stages.

Although virtual sex does eliminate the risk of unwanted pregnancy and STIs, it does come with a few privacy and security risks.

Be sure you trust your partner before sharing explicit photos and videos, and when possible, consider using encrypted apps to exchange content.

Remember: Virtual sex isn’t for everyone. While exploring this approach to intimacy, maintain an open line of communication with your partner about what you do and don’t enjoy, so you can figure out what’s comfortable and satisfying for both of you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Do I Bottom?

Bottoming 101 for queer men, we explain the practicalities of preparing for anal sex, and answer the oft-asked question: Does it hurt?

By Alexander Cheves

Before I discovered porn, I thought bottoming was impossible — a myth that guys on my Varsity football team used to tease each other about, but one I didn’t actually believe. A penis can’t really go in a butt, right? Then I found a video. I watched it slide in, move in and out — fucking — and saw that full, terrifyingly painful stroke, tip to balls, in a man’s ass for the first time. That moment sealed the truth: Bottoming was real, and I had no clue how to do it.

That brings me to my my first piece of advice for anyone looking to bottom: Do not compare your experience to porn. When my first sex attempts didn’t happen like porn, I assumed I was doing something wrong. Your first experience won’t be like porn. Your second experience won’t be, either. In fact, most of your sex life won’t resemble porn — because porn isn’t reality. Porn creates an impossible fantasy, one that porn stars themselves can’t do in real life. I’ve worked on professional porn sets and can assure you: All the messes, failures, half-starts, and struggles happen in porn, too. They just get edited out.

In part one of this guide to bottoming, I explored fundamental questions surrounding the act — “Am I a bottom?” — along with how to mentally and emotionally prepare for receptive anal sex. Now I’ll talk about what you need to do to prepare physically — the mechanics, safety tips, and ass care information you need to know.

How do I prepare to bottom?

Many people douche before bottoming, meaning they use water to clean the lower part of their rectum — the space in your butt just inside your hole — to flush out any poop before sex. An easy way to do this is to buy an enema. A disposable one purchased at a drugstore or pharmacy will do the trick (don’t forget that many are filled with laxatives, which you must empty and replace with water before using), or a larger squeeze bulb with a plastic or silicone nozzle, purchased from a sex novelty shop or online.

As your skill develops, your douching regimen will probably change. You’ll discover what kind of douche you want to use, learn different cleaning methods, or find that you don’t really need (or want) to douche at all. Many people don’t, and you don’t always need to douche to have an enjoyable experience bottoming.

What you eat plays a major role in how “clean” your butt can be. If you eat a high-fiber, veggie-heavy diet and avoid excessive red meat, your poop will be less messy and more “together,” meaning the douching process will be minimal — which is what you want. Some people with careful diets skip the douching process altogether and are naturally “ready to go” (vegetarians and vegans especially). Incorporating a fiber supplement like Metamucil into your diet can help. Most people do not consume enough fiber, which is vital to your overall gastrointestinal health (and makes anal sex easier and less messy — double win!).

When you’re new to douching, go slow. Lube up the tip of your enema with a body-safe lubricant (I recommend silicone-based lube), and slowly insert the nozzle into your hole. Gently squeeze the bulb and slowly fill your butt with water. Note: You don’t need to squirt a huge amount of water up there, at least not when you’re a beginner. More advanced forms of sex require more extensive cleaning regimens, which do require more water, but that’s not for beginners. When you’re starting off, there’s no need to empty the bulb. You don’t need much.

After you do this, your butt might feel strange and “full.” To avoid discomfort, make sure the water is warm — not hot — before you start. Hold it in for a few seconds, then gently release the water into a toilet. Repeat this until the water runs clear.

Some safety tips: Go slow! Also, don’t stick the nozzle all the way in — there’s no need to, and you can hurt yourself if you’re not gentle enough. And make sure you try to release all the water into the toilet when you’re done — water left in your butt can cause discomfort later on.

Don’t freak out if you can’t get totally clean. Anal sex always involves some likelihood that you’ll encounter poop. Yes, you can get pretty clean, but cleaning out is not a requirement for bottoming. Many people, including some medical professionals, recommend skipping douching in the first place, washing your butt with soap and water, putting a towel down, and simply cleaning up any mess after. No matter what you choose to do, you cannot completely control your body. Just enjoy it.

What happens if I’m not clean?

Then you’re not clean. Don’t panic. Don’t call yourself — or your sex — a “failure.” You will have many sexual experiences in your life where you’ll think you’re clean until your body has other plans. It’s not a failure. Your body is simply doing what it does.

You can clean and clean for hours and still not be totally “clean.” But you shouldn’t clean for hours and hours in the first place. Flushing your butt can disrupt and dry out the good bacteria in your colon that you need to process waste, so cleaning for too long isn’t healthy. You also shouldn’t douche every day for this reason. Remember: You can’t control your body.

The only thing you can control is what you eat, and eating a healthy diet that’s high in fiber and low in red meat will make your cleaning process much easier.

Does bottoming hurt?

It might on your first attempt. Bottoming is rarely a delightful experience in the beginning, because you don’t know what you’re doing. Why does it hurt? Because the anal walls have to expand to accommodate a penis, dildo, or other object, and that can be painful — especially when you’re new to the sensation. But don’t worry; once you get better at it, it feels great.

No sex is perfect when you’re a beginner. That’s why you need practice. Also, there are ways you can train your butt muscles to relax, stretch, and make the experience easier (see the last question of this guide).

Some people recommend taking a deep breath when your sexual partner first enters you. Others recommend “pushing out” while someone is fucking you. While these classic first-timer techniques to minimize pain have certainly helped many folks relax, they’re not the first ones I recommend.

I’ve trained several first-timers for bottoming (as well as for more extreme forms of anal sex play), and here’s my best suggestion: While your sexual partner gently slides a finger in, take ten deep breaths, breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth. “Squeeze” their finger with your butt, hold the squeeze for a few seconds, and then relax. Repeat this a few times while you mentally “check in” with the body. In your mind, start with the top of your head and slowly relax your muscles, “scanning” down your spine, down your legs, and ending at your hole. Close your eyes and picture your butt, and picture it opening, expanding like a circle. Keep “gripping” and releasing their finger until you’re ready for them to add another finger. Work up to two fingers, then three, until you feel comfortable gripping them — in control, powerful, flexing your butt muscle.

Tell them when you’re ready to try their dick, dildo, or any other sex toy in your arsenal. Breathe slowly and lead. You’re in control. You tell your partner when to move, when to go forward, when to stop, when to move again. Just as you did with their fingers: Grip, release. Grip, release. Breathe deeply and slowly, and guide them into you.

How do I protect myself from HIV and other sexually transmitted infections?

Micro-tears in the anus happen pretty easily when you have anal sex. The walls of the rectum (the inside of your butt) are delicate. If you’re new to bottoming and haven’t trained your butt to relax, your risk of tearing and pain is higher.

Some tears are worse than others. Most are pretty painless and heal up quickly on their own. More severe ones are called “fissures,” and these you will probably feel. They may itch, sting, or burn when you try to have sex or use the bathroom. Fissures usually heal on their own, too, but it’s still a good idea to see a doctor you trust, who knows what kind of sex you’re having.

While micro-tears or fissures are rarely very painful, they become open gateways for infection. Unprotected bottoming is a high-risk activity for sexually transmitted infections like HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and more. This is why it’s important to protect yourself.

PrEP is a once-a-day pill you can take to prevent HIV infection. So far, the only drug approved for PrEP is Truvada, but more drugs are on the way. Condoms are also incredibly effective at preventing STIs like chlamydia, syphilis, and gonorrhea, and the combination of condoms and PrEP greatly reduce your risk of contracting all of these.

Other STIs, like oral and genital herpes and HPV, are so common that if you’ve had any amount of sex, you may have already been exposed to them. Most sexually active adults have some strain of HPV. That said, you should talk to your doctor about getting the three-part Gardasil vaccine for HPV, even if you’ve already been sexually active. For people who haven’t had sex yet, Gardasil vaccinates them against strains of HPV most commonly associated with certain types of cancer. Even if you’ve already been very sexually active, Gardasil is still recommended to fight future strains of cancer-associated HPV.

Get your body and your butt regularly inspected by a doctor for warts and other signs that you might have an infection. If you’re having sex, you should get a full-range STI test every three months, minimum. Many STIs are asymptomatic, meaning you won’t know you have them, so it’s important that you get tested often, especially if you’re HIV-negative.

How do I get better at bottoming?

Improving your sex skills takes time, practice, and — in my opinion — some butt training. Not every bottom trains their butt to prepare for the experience, but I did. After I learned to enjoy the sensation of my ass opening and stretching, my skills drastically improved, and sex finally became really fun.

Buy a small butt plug (no larger than an inch in diameter), preferably one made of smooth, soft silicone. Lube it up generously (with silicone toys, use water-based lube), and slowly slide it in. Concentrate on the feeling of the stretch and slowly — slowly! — get comfortable with it. If you feel pain, stop, breathe, relax, and continue when you’re ready.

Once the plug is all the way in, take a deep breath, adjust to the feeling of it being inside you, and slowly — slowly! — pull it back out. Breathe, relax, and repeat. (Pro tip: This is way more fun with a playmate you trust, who is patient and will listen to your needs.)

You will probably find — as I did — that after you stop clenching and finally relax your butt, the feeling of your hole opening feels really good. And then it feels great. After working with the same small plug for a few weeks (or as long as it takes to feel enjoyable), try a slightly bigger butt plug. If it’s too much, stick with the smaller one until you’re ready. Gradually build size and speed, and above all else, focus on enjoying the feeling. If it’s not enjoyable at any point, stop.

Here’s what you’re doing: You’re training your hole to open, and you’re training your mind to relax and enjoy it. Your body has an impulsive reaction of tightening your muscles and clenching when something feels uncomfortable. Training your mind and body to not clench — to relax, to trust the person you’re playing with, and to feel pleasure — is the most awesome part of the journey.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Look for Dr Dick’s take on this timely topic ↪HERE↩!

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How Important Is Sex In Relationships?

— 9 Things To Consider

by Kelly Gonsalves

With how much sex is talked about in pop culture, online relationship columns, and over drinks between close friends, it raises the question: Just how important is sex in a relationship?

The question may feel all the more pressing if you, yourself, are in a relationship where the sex isn’t quite where you or your partner want it to be. Or perhaps you’re just wondering about it as someone who personally loves sex—or someone who is personally pretty uninterested in it.

We reached out to sex therapists to get to the bottom of the question—which, as it turns out, is pretty complex to answer.

How important is sex in relationships?

“Sex is as important to a relationship as it is to the people in it,” says licensed sex therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT.

That is, how important sex is to a relationship varies depending on the individual. Sex matters a lot to some people and some couples, and it’s less important or not important at all to some people and some couples.

Not every relationship requires an active sex life. “There are perfectly happy and healthy couples who don’t have sex, and this isn’t a problem as long as both are truly happy and OK with this,” adds Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., an AASECT-certified sex therapist and couples’ counselor.

Now, if at least one person in the relationship does want sex, that’s when it becomes important for partners to work on creating a mutually satisfying sex life. Much research has found a link between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction, so it’s important for both people to feel good about the state of their sex life and to address any issues that come up.

“Those problems can create negative feelings, distance between the partners, and damage to the strength of the relationship,” Zimmerman explains.

She adds that problems in the bedroom have a tendency to impact how people view their relationship as a whole, too. “When sex is working well for a couple, it feels like it’s about 20% of what makes their relationship great. It’s important, and it’s a factor in their happiness, but it’s in proportion to all the other things in their life,” she explains. “But when it isn’t working, it can feel like it’s 80% of their life together. It can overshadow the other parts that may be working really well. So sex becomes more important as it goes badly.”

Summary:

Sex isn’t important to all relationships, and couples can have happy and healthy relationships without sex. That said, in those relationships where it is important to one or both partners, issues in a couple’s sex life can be tied to (or even create) issues in the relationship as a whole.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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15 Things You Need to Do to Be a Good Top

It’s time for all the tops out there to step their game up!

By

Here are 15 things you need to know if you want to be a good top!

1. Have some serious foreplay

We’ve all been there. We’re turned on, we’re excited, we just want to get to the game, but sometimes the tailgate is the best part. You want the experience to last. You want him to feel comfortable. Take your time before getting to the actual penetration.

2. Have the condoms

While it’s not the job of all tops to carry condoms, it’s often expected that they are the ones who will. Don’t rely on the bottom to carry the condoms. As the top, the responsibility is more on you. Also, yes, I know PrEP is a thing, and you should be on it. While a miracle drug, it doesn’t protect against other STIs besides HIV, and even if your partner is on PrEP, he may still want to use a condom.

3. Gently enter and ask how it feels

For the love of god, don’t start off by jack hammering. Go slow. Let him get used to having you inside of him. Ask how they feel. Ask if he needs more lube or if you need to pull out for a second.

4. Switch up positions and speeds

Don’t do the same thing the whole time. Speed up. Slow down. Switch positions. While (most) bottoms like to be pounded extra hard in doggystyle, that’s not the only thing we like. Oh, and it can be super sexy to make out while you’re inside of him. If you can jerk him off while you’re inside him too, even better.

5. Give him a break if he’s on top

It takes a lot of work to do cowboy, or any other riding position. Unless he’s a porn star, he’s going to get tired. Sometimes he won’t feel comfortable asking you to switch positions, which is why you should preemptively ask him if he wants to switch it up.

6. Do not false advertise

You know your junk better than anyone else. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I meet a guy, we go back, and he is freakin’ huge. Like donkey d*ck, monster huge. I’m like, where do you expect me to put that? Why did you not give me fair warning? I could have loosened up for you. This is no longer sexy that you’re well-endowed. It’s just annoying. Then there’s the other side of the coin. Don’t lie about being bigger than you are. You can’t hide it. Like, we’re going to find out and be annoyed if you gave yourself an extra three inches.

7. Pull out if you’re going to orgasm too quickly

Slow it down if you’re about to orgasm. If that’s not enough, pull out and do some other “stuff” while your body takes a break. You don’t want to ejaculate within seconds of being inside of him.

8. If you do ejaculate prematurely, let him know your refractory time, and go again

It’s not the end of the world if you orgasm quickly. Just let him know you can have some other fun for a little bit, and then go at it again. Just because you finish once, doesn’t mean that’s the end. Go again! And the second time, you’ll be able to last longer.

9. Don’t be annoying with putting on the condom

Don’t try to sneak it in there without asking. For the love of God, don’t take it off in the middle of having sex without telling him. Sex with condoms can be really annoying. Trust me, I know. But you need to respect your bottom and his wishes.

10. Say his name during sex

This is just hot. It makes him feel special and wanted. I haven’t met a single guy who doesn’t like hearing his name out loud during sex. It’s a simple yet effective turn-on technique.

11. Don’t make a big deal if you get a little “mud” on you

Butts are not chocolate soft serves. Yes, some poop can come out, but not that often or that much if you’re aware of your body. That said, it will happen at some point. It’s inevitable. Don’t make a big deal. Simply ask to change condoms. Or, if you don’t mind, afterwards, take off the condom, wrap it in a paper towel and throw it out without him seeing. Then go wash yourself off. You don’t need to tell him it happened if he didn’t realize. There’s no reason to embarrass him.

12. Read your partner and when in doubt, ask

Sometimes your partner will be vocal. It’ll be clear what he wants you to do. Other times, you’ll have to read him more. Would he like you to go slower or faster? Harder or softer? If you’re not sure, just ask!

13. Let him know when you’re about to finish and ask him where he wants you to orgasm

Some guys like it when you finish inside of them. Other guys, not so much. Some guys like you to finish on unlikely places. Be a gentleman and do what he asks. If he says he doesn’t care, still give him a heads up by telling him where you’re going to ejaculate.

14. Help him finish afterward

Just because you finished doesn’t mean the fun is over. Some bottoms don’t like to ejaculate, but many do. Don’t assume because you were the top that sex is over once you finish. Don’t be greedy. Help him finish if he wants to.

15. Don’t rush out afterward

If you want him to feel used, then yes, rush out afterwards. If not, lay in bed with him for a while. Cuddle. Have some pillow talk. Let him know that he’s more than just a piece of meat and a tight hole. Unless, of course, this was the agreement and both you knew it was a quickie. If that’s the case, then don’t overstay your welcome. Get the hell out.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Your Partner A Man-Child?

— No Wonder You Don’t Feel Like Sex

The man-child phenomenon is a real thing. And scientists have studied it.

By and

A man sits on the couch, watching TV. His partner, a woman, prepares dinner, while mentally ticking off her to-do list. That includes returning her partner’s shirts she’d ordered online for him last week, and booking a GP appointment for their youngest child.

He walks in and asks her “what’s for dinner?”, then goes back to the TV.

Later that night, he’s surprised she’s not interested in sex.

The people in this scenario are a woman and a man. But it could be a woman and her child. The dynamics are very similar – one person providing instrumental and emotional care, and the other receiving that care while showing little acknowledgement, gratitude or reciprocation.

You’re reading about a man who depends on his partner for everyday tasks that he is actually capable of. Some people call this the “man-child” phenomenon.

Maybe you’ve lived it. Our research shows it’s real.

The man-child is real

The man-child phenomenon (or perceiving a partner as dependent, as we call it) describes the blurring of roles between a partner and a child.

You may hear women describe their male partners as their “dependent” or one of their children.

When a partner starts to feel like they have a dependent child, it’s not surprising if that affects a woman’s sexual desire for him.

We set out to explore whether this might explain why many women partnered with men report low sexual desire.

Surprisingly, until our study, there were no studies that had tried to directly measure the impact of the man-child phenomenon on women’s sexual desire.

What we did

We conducted two studies with more than 1,000 women from around the world, in relationships with men. All our participants had children under the age of 12.

We asked the women to rate their agreement with statements like, “Sometimes I feel as though my partner is like an extra child I need to look after.” We also asked them about the division of household labour in their relationship, and their level of sexual desire for their partner.

We found consistent evidence that:

  • when women performed more household labour than their partner, they were more likely to perceive their partner as dependents (that is, the man-child phenomenon)
  • perceiving a partner as a dependent was associated with lower sexual desire for that partner.

When taken together, you could say women’s partners were taking on an unsexy role – that of a child.

There could be other explanations. For instance, women who perceive their partners as dependents may be more likely to do more around the house. Alternatively, low desire for a partner may lead to the partner being perceived as a dependent. So we need more research to confirm.

Our research highlights a pretty bleak snapshot of what people’s relationships can involve. And while the man-child phenomenon may not exist for you, it reflects broader gendered inequities in relationships.

Is there a man-child equivalent in same-sex relationships?

Our research was solely about relationships between women and men, with children. But it would be interesting to explore if the man-child phenomenon exists in same-sex or gender-diverse relationships, and what the impact might be on sexual desire.

One possibility is that, in relationships between two women, men, or non-binary people, household labour is more equitably negotiated. As a result, the mother-child dynamic may be less likely to emerge. But no-one has studied that yet.

Man wiping dishes while looking after two young children
In relationships between men, household labour may be more evenly split.

Another possibility is that one person in the relationship (regardless of gender identity) takes on a more feminine role. This may include more of the mothering, nurturing labour than their partner(s). If that was the case, we might see the man-child phenomenon in a broader range of relationships. Again, no-one has studied this.

Perhaps, anyone could be the “man-child” in their relationship.

What else don’t we know?

Such future research may help explore different types of relationship dynamics more broadly.

This may help us understand what sexual desire might look like in relationships where roles are equitably negotiated, chosen, and renegotiated as needed.

We might learn what happens when household labour is valued like paid labour. Or what happens when both partners support each other and can count on each other for daily and life needs.

Women might be less likely to experience their partners as dependents and feel more sexual desire for them. In other words, the closer we are to equity in actively caring for each other, the closer we might be to equity in the capacity for feeling sexual desire with our partner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Common Questions About Condoms

— Yes, there is a condom that will fit

Condoms are often part of safe sex and contraception discussions because, when used correctly, they’re effective for birth control and sexually transmitted infection (STI) prevention.

But there’s quite a bit of confusion out there about condoms. Do they truly protect against herpes? Are two condoms better than one? Are some penises really “too big” for every condom out there? Physician assistant and sexual health expert Evan Cottrill, PA-C, AAHIVS, HIVPCP, helps clear up common myths about condoms.

What are the types of condoms?

First, some basics. What are the different types of condoms? There are two main types:

  • External condoms are worn over the penis to collect ejaculation fluids.
  • Internal condoms are worn inside the body to act as a barrier and keep ejaculation fluids from entering someone’s body.

There are also dental dams, which act as a barrier during oral sex of any kind.

All types of condoms reduce the risk of transmitting STIs through bodily fluids. Condoms also prevent pregnancy by keeping semen from entering the vagina. There are many other methods of birth control to prevent pregnancy, but a condom can also protect you from STIs. This is also true if you’re having anal sex.

Below, Cottrill walks us through nine facts about condoms and debunks some popular myths along the way.

Are lambskin condoms different from latex condoms?

Condoms made from latex, polyurethane and other synthetic materials can protect you from STIs. But lamb cecum condoms, also called natural membrane or lambskin condoms, can allow viruses to pass through.

If you’re only concerned about preventing pregnancy, lambskin condoms are fine. But if you want protection from STIs, use a latex or polyurethane condom.

Are some people too big for condoms?

If someone has ever told you, Condoms don’t fit me, don’t buy it — this is a myth.

“Anatomic size varies, of course,” says Cottrill. “But there is a condom that can fit every person.”

Most penises don’t require a special condom size. But if needed, there are larger — and smaller — condom sizes available. If you can’t find the right fit at your local grocery store, try searching for them online.

Do condoms protect against herpes?

“Yes, when you use condoms consistently and correctly, they do protect against herpes,” says Cottrill.

The myth that condoms don’t protect against herpes probably came from people who weren’t using them correctly or weren’t using them enough. Herpes is a lifelong condition that spreads through close contact with someone who’s had the infection — even when they’re not having an outbreak and show no signs or symptoms of infection. Herpes can also spread through oral sex and by sharing sex toys, which means it’s important to use a dental dam or condom when participating in these activities.

“You need to use condoms for all types of sex, including oral sex, to prevent the spread of herpes,” states Cottrill.

Do condoms protect against HIV?

“Condoms most definitely reduce the risk of transmitting HIV,” says Cottrill.

However, when it comes to protecting against the spread of viral STIs, such as HIV, hepatitis C and herpes simplex virus (HSV), the condom material matters. For the best protection, avoid lambskin condoms and use latex or polyurethane instead.

Do condoms protect against HPV?

Yes, condoms protect against human papillomavirus (HPV) infection.

“Condoms are effective against any STI, whether bacterial or viral,” notes Cottrill. He again emphasizes that latex and polyurethane condoms — not lambskin — are your best protection.

Is it bad to keep a condom in your wallet?

“This is a very popular question,” says Cottrill. “I do not recommend keeping condoms in your wallet because heat lowers the quality of the material over time. Plus, the packaging can get torn or opened.”

It’s also not a good idea to keep condoms in your car, which can get very hot in the sun. It’s best to store condoms in a cool place where the package won’t get crushed, folded or punctured.

Should you use two condoms?

It might seem logical that two condoms would be better than one — twice the protection or something like that, right? But it’s actually the opposite.

“Do not use two condoms at the same time,” says Cottrill.

Friction during sex can weaken the condoms as they slide against each other, leading to breakage. You also don’t want to wear external condoms while your partner wears an internal condom for the same reasons. Using one condom at a time is most effective.

Can you use any lube with condoms?

Choosing the right lubricant depends partly on the type of condom you’re using. If you’re using latex, stick with silicone or water-based lubricants. Don’t use oil-based substances such as petroleum jelly (Vaseline®), lotion, massage oil or coconut oil, as these can weaken the latex and lead to tears.

But you can use oil-based lubricants with condoms made of polyurethane or other synthetic materials, as these won’t break down so easily.

Do condom expiration dates matter?

Yes, condoms expire, and it’s important to look at those dates.

“It’s best not to use a condom that’s past the date printed on the package or over five years old,” cautions Cottrill.

The condom material breaks down over time, so an older condom is more likely to tear during sex.

Tips for choosing and using condoms

When choosing a condom, consider:

  • Size: Regular-sized external condoms work just fine for most people. But you can find other sizes available, if necessary, typically right on the shelf at your local drugstore or online.
  • Material: Lambskin condoms work for avoiding pregnancy but aren’t great for STI protection. Latex and polyurethane condoms are best if you want to prevent the spread of STIs.
  • Allergies: Some people are allergic to latex. If that’s you or your partner, use condoms made of polyurethane or another synthetic material.

No matter what type of condom you’re choosing, use a new condom every time and follow the directions on the package to minimize the risk of slippage, leakage or breakage. If your condom does tear or break while you’re having sex, stop immediately and replace it with a new condom. If you’re concerned about possible pregnancy or STIs, make an appointment with a healthcare provider.

If you’ve tossed the box and need a refresher on how to properly use external condoms, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has a handy guide for using external condoms.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexual coercion

— Definition, examples, and recovery

Sexual coercion is when a person pressures, tricks, threatens, or manipulates someone into having sex. It is a type of sexual assault because even if someone says “yes,” they are not giving their consent freely.

By Zawn Villines

People who experience sexual coercion may feel they have no option but to have sex. The perpetrator may use guilt or the threat of negative consequences to get what they want. Alternatively, they may promise rewards that may or may not be real.

Sexual coercion is most likely to happen in existing relationships, but anyone can behave this way, particularly if there is an imbalance of power. Although it does not involve physical force, it is still damaging.

Keep reading to understand what sexual coercion is, examples of this behavior, and when to seek help.

Sexual coercion is when someone pressures a person in a nonphysical wayTrusted Source to have sex with them. It can occur in any kind of relationship and applies to any type of sex.

Sex can be coercive even if someone says “yes.” In sexual coercion, a person has sex because they feel they should or must, rather than because they want to.

The nature of sexual coercion can vary significantly, from persistently asking for sex until someone gives in to threats of violence or revenge. As some types of coercion are not obviously intimidating, some people may not realize they are experiencing or engaging in it.

Non-coercive sex involves affirmative consent. This means that all sexual partners explicitly and enthusiastically give their verbal consent to sexual activities without the influence of any external pressures. They also agree that people can withdraw consent at any time, for any reason, with no negative consequences.

Other hallmarks of consensual sex include:

  • mutual respect
  • equal power dynamics
  • autonomy, meaning all partners are free to make their own decisions
  • no sense of entitlement, meaning that partners do not expect sex from their partner
  • physical and emotional safety

Involuntary physical responses, such as an erection or vaginal lubrication, are not equivalent to consent. True consent is also not possible if a person feels pressured or intimidated into saying “yes”, or they simply do not say “no”. Sexual contact in these situations can be sexual assault.

A person may try to sexually coerce someone through:

  • Harassment: Repeatedly asking someone for sex when they have expressed disinterest is coercive behaviorTrusted Source, especially if it intends to wear someone down until they give in.
  • Guilt: A person may try to make someone feel guilty for saying no to sex. For example, they may emphasize how long it has been since they last had sex, say that the person owes them sex, or that it is their obligation as their partner.
  • Lies: A person may use misinformation to coax someone to have sex with them. They may use myths about consent to convince someone they have no right to say no, make false promises, or tell them their demands or coercive behaviors are normal.
  • Threats to the relationship: A person may threaten to leave a relationship if someone does not consent to sex. Alternatively, they may play on their partner’s insecurities, such as by suggesting they are boring or unattractive if they say no, or that they will start being unfaithful.
  • Blackmail: This is when someone weaponizes secret information about a person to force them into having sex. For example, the perpetrator might threaten to release nude photographs online if someone does not consent to sex.
  • Fear and intimidation: A person may behave in a scary or intimidating manner when they do not get their way to pressure someone into sex.
  • Power imbalance: A person may use the power they get from their job, status, or wealth to coerce someone. They may threaten someone with job loss, lower grades, a tarnished reputation, or other negative consequences if they do not agree. Alternatively, they may promise rewards and opportunities.
  • Using substances: A person may encourage someone to use drugs or alcohol to make them more compliant and therefore easier to coerce into sex. If a person has sex with someone while inebriated or unconscious, this is rape.

There is less research on sexual coercion than other types of nonconsensual sex, but what exists suggests that it is common and more likely to affect some people than others.

For example, a 2018 study of Spanish adolescents found that although males and females reported being victims of coercion, males were more likely to engage in coercive behavior. The researchers found that certain attitudes correlate with a higher risk of coercive behavior, including:

  • a belief that sexually coercive behaviors are normal
  • a desire for power and control
  • hostile sexism, which promotes the idea that men should have dominance over women

Another 2018 study also notes a link between sexual coercion and sexism, particularly in heterosexual relationships, where traditional gender roles can influence power dynamics.

If it is part of a pattern, sexual coercion is abuse. According to the domestic violence support organization REACH, in the context of relationships, the term “abuse” describes any pattern of behavior that a person uses to gain control or power over someone else.

Sometimes, coercive sex happens just once. It may result from a misunderstanding or someone believing in myths about what is normal in sexual relationships. However, if a person does not care that the behavior is harmful or continues to do it regardless, this signals an abusive relationship.

A person may use sexual coercion alongside other types of abuse, such as coercive control. This involves demanding control over many aspects of their partner’s life, such as:

  • what they wear
  • where they go
  • who they socialize with

Demeaning or insulting comments, humiliation, and gaslighting may also wear down someone’s self-esteem.

Although coercive sex is a type of abuse, its legal status varies.

In the United States, coercive sex may be sexual assault if the perpetrator:

  • knows the person finds the act offensive
  • initiates sex for the purposes of abusing, harassing, humiliating, or degrading the person
  • knows the individual has a health condition that means they cannot give informed consent
  • knows the person is unaware the sex is taking place
  • has impaired the individual’s judgment by giving them substances to intoxicate them
  • is in a position of authority and has sex with someone in custody, such as in prison or the hospital

The age of the people involved is also an important factor. Sexual contact is illegal if it involves:

  • someone below the age of 21 and their guardian
  • someone below the age of 16 and a person who is 4 or more years older than them
  • anyone below the age of 10

Individual state laws may add additional circumstances under which coercive sex becomes illegal. Schools, workplaces, and other institutions may classify itTrusted Source as sexual harassment rather than assault and have their own rules for managing it.

Recovering from sexual coercion can begin with a realization that previous sexual experiences were not healthy or that a current relationship involves elements of coercion. This can be difficult for people to come to terms with. It may bring up intense emotions, such as sadness, anger, or guilt.

However, it is important to remember that, even if someone said “yes” to coercive sex, it is not their fault.

To process what happened, a person may consider:

  • confiding in an understanding, trustworthy friend
  • speaking with a free, confidential helpline for advice, such as RAINN
  • talking with a therapist who specializes in coercive sex or sexual assault recovery
  • joining an online or in-person support group
  • learning more about affirmative consent

For people who are currently in a relationship where coercion has taken place, they may wish to consider:

  • setting a time to talk about sex and consent in a safe space
  • setting boundaries around what is and is not OK
  • discussing the consequences of what happens when someone crosses those boundaries
  • seeking help and mediation from a relationship counselor

A person should only do this if the coercion is not part of a wider pattern of abuse. If it is, they should not attempt to address or change the perpetrator’s behavior.

Domestic abuse can escalateTrusted Source over time and be fatal. The safest thing a person can do in this situation is to stay safe and seek help.

If a person has experienced something they believe to be sexual abuse, there are several options for seeking help. For assaults that have just happened, a person should consider:

  • dialing 911 or their country’s emergency number to report it to the police
  • visiting a hospital, rape center, or doctor’s office for medical care
  • seeking help from trusted friends or family

For less recent assaults, a person may still be able to report it to the police or receive medical care to prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. It is best to do this as soon as possible.

If a person is unsure if they have experienced sexual coercion, assault, or abuse, they may wish to speak with a helpline, support worker, or lawyer specializing in this area. It is especially important to do this if:

  • the partner makes them feel unsafe
  • the partner controls their daily life
  • they worry about what would happen if they tried to leave
  • the partner has threatened or carried out violence toward a person, their children, or pets

Sexual coercion is when someone pressures or threatens someone into having sex with them. The person may persistently ask for sex to wear someone down, use guilt or a sense of obligation to get what they want, or trick someone by making them intoxicated or lying. More extreme tactics include threats of violence and blackmail.

Sexual coercion can be part of a pattern of abuse. For sex to be healthy, all partners must understand consent and clearly communicate and respect boundaries. If any partners repeatedly cross boundaries, they are engaging in abusive behavior.

People who believe they have experienced coercive sex can speak with a confidential support service for advice.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Importance of Sexual Aftercare

By Gigi Engle

Whether we want to admit it or not, sexually charged experiences come with heightened emotional states. It doesn’t matter if the experience is casual or part of a committed relationship, or if it’s sex that is kinky, vanilla, or involves wearing penguin onesies. When we get down and dirty, there are going to be emotions involved. How could there not be?

When we get into intense erotic states, our brains are flooded with a ton of neurochemicals like adrenaline, dopamine, and oxytocin. Desire is a complex biological and psychological state. As such, when we reach climax (or the end of the sexual experience), we need to be sure we get back to a healthy and relaxed mental state. Simply throwing your clothes on and going about your day without so much as a “Thanks for the good times, pal” doesn’t work for most people.

This is why aftercare is such a crucial component of sexual play. Aftercare is the post-sex activity (or activities) that allows us to feel safe, settled, and good after sex. Zachary Zane, sex expert for personal lubricant and condom brand Momentum Intimacy, tells TheBody that aftercare has “typically been associated with kink or particularly ‘intense’ sexual scenes, though engaging in aftercare shouldn’t be limited to solely kinky or BDSM experiences.”

Aftercare has its place in all forms of sex. It is time everyone embraced aftercare as a part of sex because whether you’re having a one-night stand or are in a long-term relationship, everyone deserves to leave sex feeling positive and good about themselves.

Here is everything you should know about aftercare and how to create a plan that works for you and your partner(s).

What Is Sexual Aftercare?

Aftercare is the ways we nurture and care for ourselves and our partners after sexual play finishes. While aftercare is (slowly) making its way into all forms of sex, it has typically been associated with the BDSM community, which prides itself on consent and thorough negotiation.

In the kink community, aftercare is a set of actions and activities consensually agreed upon before sex (or the scene) begins. It is a post-sex plan of action to ensure that everyone involved in the play feels safe and well taken care of. It ensures respect and kindness for the people we play with, regardless of how serious or casual the relationship may be.

Aftercare is as unique as the sexual experience itself. It can include talking, cuddling, comparing notes on the experience, having a snack, watching a show, playing with your partner’s hair, going off to have a breather alone, or taking a shower alone or together. There is no limit to the menu of activities you have to choose from. It also “involves practical things like tending to any bruises or cuts that you sustained during the scene, cleaning up the place, and even kissing it better,” Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, tells TheBody. “It needs to be something you find comforting and soothing, ideally that involves something restful.”

The way aftercare plays out is completely subjective and will depend on the needs and desires of everyone involved in the play.

Zane tells us that aftercare is really about caring for the emotional well-being of the people you play with. “At its core, you’re asking your partner how they’re feeling and if there’s anything they need from you,” he says. “They may want to cuddle, have a glass of water, share something that triggered them during sex, or something else entirely.”

Why Aftercare Matters

“Aftercare exists because doing a scene can be very intense, taking you into a super-activated state of consciousness,” Rowett says. “Intensity of any kind, be it pleasurable, painful, or the delicious line between both, is incredibly overstimulating.”

Because of this overstimulation, it is important to consider the ways you’re going to bring yourself and your partner back down into a state of calm once play concludes. A lot of us don’t consider the aftermath when we’re engaging in sex, but failing to do so can lead to sub-par experiences.

“Often, what happens after the sexual experience impacts how we view the experience,” Zane explains. “For example, if you had incredible sex, but [they kick] you to the curb the moment they orgasm, you’re likely not going to view the experience fondly. You’ll just remember feeling used, rushed, and kicked out.” No one deserves to feel this way.

Creating an Aftercare Plan That Caters to Your Needs

Knowing what you need when it comes to aftercare is a part of understanding yourself as a sexual being. This means considering what your needs are post-sex, not just during sex.

Ask yourself these questions.

  1. What did my last great sexual experience look like?
  2. What do I want right after sex that I’ve been afraid to ask for?
  3. What would make me feel safe and cared for after sex?

It doesn’t matter if you met your partner on an app 30 minutes ago, you still deserve to get the aftercare you need. If a person refuses to meet your aftercare needs, you may want to reconsider whether this is someone you feel safe enough to play with.

It’s important to consider where your aftercare needs intersect and where they differ. This requires open and honest communication with your partner. “If one of you needs a long cuddle afterward but the other needs alone time, you will need to make this clear and negotiate a way in the middle,” Rowett says.

While directly asking how your partner is feeling is very important, Zane points out that aftercare can also mean taking a few minutes to decompress before verbally checking in after sex. “Simply being with that person and holding them is a form of aftercare. After a few minutes, you can ask how they’re feeling,” he says.

Lastly, aftercare isn’t always about the “right here, right now.” It can often extend into the next day. “You can send a text asking how they’re feeling or if there’s anything they need from you,” Zane adds.

What all this juicy stuff boils down to is caring for the welfare of someone who shared an experience with you. We’re all just humans trying to find joy, pleasure, and comfort with the people we engage with. Every person we have sex with has a right to a good experience—and this includes emotional safety, too.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 reasons why you could have performance anxiety during sex

— And how to overcome it

Performance anxiety during sex can be related to physical fears, emotional fears, or a combination.

By Willa Hart

  • Feeling anxious during sex is incredibly common and valid.
  • This can be a result of poor body image, a hyperfocus on your partner, or prior bad experiences.
  • Fortunately, this anxiety can often be overcome through mindfulness, movement, or therapy.

When you think of performance anxiety, you might think of tests or talent shows, but this fear is also common during sex. In fact, up to 25% of men and 16% of women experience sexual performance anxiety.

Performance anxiety manifests during sexual encounters as a worry about what your partner will think of your performance. For example, people may be afraid of not getting an erection or experiencing lubrication, says Jennifer Litner, a sexologist and the founder of sex therapy practice Embrace Sexual Wellness.

But other anxieties, like worrying how your body appears to your partner, can be part of performance anxiety, too.

If you’re experiencing performance anxiety during sex, here’s some things that could be causing it, as well as some information on how it can be treated.

1. Poor body image

Not feeling great about your body can make it hard to have a great time during sex, says Lena Elkhatib, a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapist, and founder of Essential Therapy.

After all, being naked and vulnerable with someone is hard even when you feel great about how you look.

Moreover, if you’re preoccupied with what you look like, you’re probably not focused on the sensations of sex. “It really takes us out of the experience of, what are the feelings in my body, which is what we want to be focused on,” says Rachel Zar, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist who practices at Spark Chicago Therapy.

As a result, it might take you a longer time to orgasm – which might make you even more self-conscious, fueling performance anxiety.

How to overcome it: Working towards body acceptance is a difficult, but empowering way to reconnect with your body. In practice, this can look like:

  • Re-evaluating your relationship with food and movement: Societal bias and weight stigma has taught us to demonize food and overly celebrate exercise. Neutralizing or accepting your relationship with food and movement can help you to be kinder to yourself and celebrate all that your body does for you each day. 
  • Incorporating joyful movement: We often associate the word “movement” with exercise, but fun movements like dancing, walking, or even cleaning can encourage more positive feelings about your body.
  • Visit a boudoir photographer: Taking photos of your body that you feel good about can encourage you to channel that version of your body image in the bedroom. 

2. Feeling disconnected from your partner

Sometimes, you might feel distant from a sexual partner because you don’t know them very well. But even if you’re having sex with a long-term significant other, you could feel disconnected if you’ve recently had an argument or spent some time apart.

This disconnection could make your mind wander during sex, giving anxiety a space to creep in, Zar says. Moreover, if you’re feeling distant from your partner(s), your brain is more likely to kick into “performance mode,” triggering performance anxiety.

“Sometimes, you need some time to reconnect to a partner before you’re able to reconnect sexually,” Zar says. “After all, sex is a really vulnerable thing to do with someone.”

How to overcome it: The best thing to do is talk to your partner about what’s bothering you, Zar says. 

She also recommends focusing on foreplay – not just in bed, but also in the hours or days leading up to sex. That might include touching or kissing each other throughout the day, or cuddling on the couch.

Foreplay gives you an opportunity to reconnect with your partner without rushing straight into sex, and it promotes intimacy.

3. Negative beliefs or shame about sex

One of the most common causes of performance anxiety is negative beliefs about sex, Elkhatib says. For instance, if you were taught as a kid that sex is bad or dirty, you might feel ashamed about engaging in sexual behaviors.

This shame, in turn, might make you worry about how your partner(s) perceive you or feel about your sexual encounters.

“Shame is not a sexy feeling,” Zar says. “If you think that something you’re doing is shameful, you may be easily embarrassed by it or monitor your actions or responses.”

How to overcome it: Attending therapy with a sex-affirming mental health professional is one key way to dismantle sexual shame.

In particular, a therapist can work to help you understand what messages have led you to feel ashamed about your sexuality, Elkhatib says. You can then start to replace those narratives with more sex-positive thoughts.

Sex positive literature can help correct negative sexual beliefs. If your negative thoughts stem from a religious background, you can usually find books that can be helpful. “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagiski could be helpful to everyone.

4. Focusing too much on you partner during sex

We tend to think that being tuned in to our partners’ desires during sex is a good thing, but if you focus on your partner(s) to the detriment of your own pleasure, it can cause performance anxiety.

For instance, if you’re super dialed in to your partner(s), you may notice if they sigh or glance away from you – potentially meaningless signs that may make you worry they’re not enjoying themselves.

Focusing too much on your partner can also be tied into messaging we’ve been taught about sex, Elkhatib says.

For example, if you were raised in an environment where you were told sex is a duty you must perform to please your partner(s), that could lead you to solely focus on your partner’s pleasure during sex – and it could incite performance anxiety as you worry what might happen if you don’t satisfy them.

How to overcome it: Treating this kind of performance anxiety is all about learning to focus on yourself. That might include exercises like masturbating to relearn what feels good in your body or practicing having sex with your partner where you’re the center of attention. 

For instance, Elkhatib says you might have sex with your partner(s) where you’re not allowed to give pleasure to them: they’re only allowed to pleasure you.

If past lessons about sex have contributed to your desire to focus on a partner, then examining the source of those beliefs can be helpful too, Elkhatib says.

Focusing on other forms of bodily pleasure that aren’t sex can also shift your focus: Such as how you eat your food, shower, listen to music, or move during walks.

Mindfulness training is a great way to defeat performance anxiety, Zar says. In mindfulness training, you focus on how your body feels instead of focusing on your anxiety. This can help bring you back into your body so you can enjoy sex more.

Mindfulness can be hard at first, but you can practice it in non-sexual situations, such as at the gym or nail salon, before applying the technique in the bedroom, says Zar.

5. Physical hurdles

If something has changed in your life so that you’re not functioning sexually in the way that you used to, that can cause performance anxiety, Zar says. 

For example, if you’re no longer able to consistently achieve an erection – something that happens to many men as they age – you may develop anxiety, wondering if you’ll be able to perform as you’d like to the next time you have sex.

This may also happen if you experience

  • A lack of ability to orgasm because of taking medications like antidepressants
  • An injury or condition that impacts your sex organs
  • Other physical health conditions, such as heart disease or diabetes, that can impact erectile and orgasmic functioning

How to overcome it: Depending on the cause of the changes, you may be able to work with a primary care physician or a psychiatrist to manage your symptoms, says Litner. For instance, antidepressants can often affect your libido or ability to achieve orgasm. Your psychiatrist may be able to reduce your dosage or change your meds to alleviate these symptoms.

Even if the physical changes don’t abate, you can still manage your performance anxiety by changing how you approach sexual encounters. Litner suggests shifting from a performance-based mindset, which relies on a specific outcome being achieved, to a pleasure-based mindset, in which it’s the enjoyment of yourself and your partner that matters. Studies have shown that mindfulness training can help with this.

Working with a sex therapist that’s specifically focused on people with disabilities can also be helpful. Sex therapists can validate the different, yet equally important challenges that folks with disabilities face when it comes to sex.

6. Past negative experience with a partner

If someone has negatively commented on your sexual performance in the past, that can make you anxious about future sexual encounters.

“A lot of times we see this show up if somebody says something that is more of a rigid comment,” Litner says. “‘How come you’re not hard?’ or, ‘How come you’re not having an orgasm?'”

Even small comments made by well-meaning partners can cause performance anxiety, Litner says.

How to overcome it: Treatment will depend on the severity of the past negative experience, Litner says. If the experience was traumatic or took place during a formative period in someone’s life, trauma-based therapies can be effective. In other cases, psychotherapies like cognitive behavioral therapy and narrative-based therapy can be used.

Insider’s takeaway

Performance anxiety during sex is very common, and can be caused by poor body image, feeling disconnected from your partner(s), or changes in your sexual functioning. Treatment for performance anxiety depends on what is causing it, but a combination of therapy and mindfulness exercises are often effective.

Remember, even if you’re never able to totally eliminate your anxiety around sex, that doesn’t mean your sex life is over. “Intimacy does not mean sex, and sex doesn’t mean intercourse,” Elkhatib says. “The more that people can broaden their library of intimacy… the less pressure there will be to look and feel a certain way.”

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