— 9 Things To Consider
With how much sex is talked about in pop culture, online relationship columns, and over drinks between close friends, it raises the question: Just how important is sex in a relationship?
The question may feel all the more pressing if you, yourself, are in a relationship where the sex isn’t quite where you or your partner want it to be. Or perhaps you’re just wondering about it as someone who personally loves sex—or someone who is personally pretty uninterested in it.
We reached out to sex therapists to get to the bottom of the question—which, as it turns out, is pretty complex to answer.
How important is sex in relationships?
“Sex is as important to a relationship as it is to the people in it,” says licensed sex therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT.
That is, how important sex is to a relationship varies depending on the individual. Sex matters a lot to some people and some couples, and it’s less important or not important at all to some people and some couples.
Not every relationship requires an active sex life. “There are perfectly happy and healthy couples who don’t have sex, and this isn’t a problem as long as both are truly happy and OK with this,” adds Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., an AASECT-certified sex therapist and couples’ counselor.
Now, if at least one person in the relationship does want sex, that’s when it becomes important for partners to work on creating a mutually satisfying sex life. Much research has found a link between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction, so it’s important for both people to feel good about the state of their sex life and to address any issues that come up.
“Those problems can create negative feelings, distance between the partners, and damage to the strength of the relationship,” Zimmerman explains.
She adds that problems in the bedroom have a tendency to impact how people view their relationship as a whole, too. “When sex is working well for a couple, it feels like it’s about 20% of what makes their relationship great. It’s important, and it’s a factor in their happiness, but it’s in proportion to all the other things in their life,” she explains. “But when it isn’t working, it can feel like it’s 80% of their life together. It can overshadow the other parts that may be working really well. So sex becomes more important as it goes badly.”
Summary:
Sex isn’t important to all relationships, and couples can have happy and healthy relationships without sex. That said, in those relationships where it is important to one or both partners, issues in a couple’s sex life can be tied to (or even create) issues in the relationship as a whole.
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