“Why would I want to want to be intimate with myself? It feels like I would be doing something inappropriate.”
By BELLA BLACKWELL
Growing up, masturbation was often considered a taboo topic, shrouded in shame and awkwardness. The connotations surrounding female sexual pleasure (which largely do not apply to men) have understandably led to some women’s reluctance to try their hand at masturbation – literally.
Fortunately, it’s become more normalised in recent times. Largely due to the pandemic and long lockdowns, vibrators and sex toys soared in popularity, with self-pleasure becoming the new self-care.
Many women (both single and in relationships) masturbate regularly, but not everyone is on board. According to certified sex coach Georgia Grace, there is a range of reasons why this may be the case. She lists “limited sex ed, not even knowing it’s a thing or how to do it, [and] living in a space that doesn’t allow for the privacy they need” as deterrents for some women.
Particularly for younger girls, female pleasure is rarely discussed and certainly not encouraged. For Amy*, who hasn’t masturbated, the topic never crossed her mind – it wasn’t spoken about at school or amongst her friends. “It wasn’t something I thought about and I didn’t think I was missing out on anything,” she tells me.
Emma*, who’s also never masturbated, agrees. She explains “it wasn’t really talked about at all growing up, so it wasn’t on my radar in the slightest. I feel like I just missed the boat”. Sexual shame is a big thing for lots of women, who have been conditioned to see masturbation as weird or abnormal.
“I cringe at it and find it so awkward and taboo, it freaks me out and makes me uncomfortable. Being alone and doing a sexual thing feels wrong, even though I know it’s not,” Amy* says. “Why would I want to want to be intimate with myself? It feels like I would be doing something inappropriate.”
When sexual pleasure involves another person, it can be hard to shift that mentality and delve into a solo session. For Sophie*, who is recently single, orgasms are overshadowed by thoughts of her ex-boyfriend, leaving her reluctant to masturbate. “I think it’s a combination of feeling really sad, so not feeling sexual, and having overpowering thoughts of associating sex to being with him and I’m not with him, so I’m not inclined to do it,” she says.
Even though self-pleasure can be painted as uncommon, unnecessary, or even wrong, it actually provides benefits for your physical and mental health. You might’ve heard of the post-orgasm glow for our skin, but masturbation can do wonders for our minds, too. “Orgasm releases the feel-good neurochemicals dopamine and oxytocin… that improve your mood, create a natural high, [and] boost your satisfaction,” says Georgia.
While those in relationships may see it as redundant, masturbation can also improve sex with a partner. It “helps you learn about your body and creates more awareness of what you like,” Georgia explains. But even with all these benefits, masturbation can sometimes seem daunting. If you’re ready to give it a go but still have no clue where to start, don’t stress.
Georgia suggests “take the goal out of masturbating”, as this can lead to a lot of frustration stemming from difficulty achieving an orgasm. It’s all about discovering what feels good for you and enjoying the process.
Mindful masturbation practices can be a great way to start. “Place both hands on your body and ask yourself, ‘Where do I feel pleasure in my body?’ This feeling may be subtle or it may be obvious, whatever it is, be with it,” Georgia says. “Bring awareness to your body and continue this process of intending to feel for pleasure and scan your body as a whole. What do you notice?”
Masturbation is an opportunity to explore your body, so slow it down! “Take time to build arousal,” Georgia says. “Start with full body touch, lengthening your exhale, pouring lube on your body/genitals.” Then, move on to external stimulation. “With a full palm start stroking upwards, massaging your clit in circles, up and down, side to side, playing with pressure and speed,” Georgia tells me.
While clitoral arousal is great, you can also give internal stimulation a try. Many vulva owners will be familiar with the noble-yet-often-unsuccessful quest for the elusive internal orgasm. Try “using a ‘come here’ motion with your fingers or a toy to stimulate the G-spot,” she suggests.
It may take a second for vulva owners who are reluctant to masturbate to unlearn the shame they feel surrounding self-pleasure. But the key point to remember is no matter the method you choose, masturbation is totally normal, enjoyable, and healthy. Give it a go – you might like it.
*Names have been changed.
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