Tag: Intimacy

Posted on

18 Types of Sexuality To Know for Greater Understanding About Yourself and Others

By Korin Miller

There are a number of different types of sexuality, and by learning about each, you can cultivate a better understanding about yourself and others. And since language is always evolving, staying abreast of the different types of sexuality is important for both creating an authentic relationship with yourself and being an inclusive ally for all people. “The constantly evolving lexicon provides more options that can help people explore themselves,” says Corey Flanders, PhD, sexual-health disparities researcher and associate professor of psychology and education at Mount Holyoke College. “The range of sexuality terms available means that more people will find something that resonates with their experience.”

Words matter, and when those words connect to nuanced forms of identity, they matter even more. Such is the case for why it’s so important for all people to understand the different types of sexuality. To contextualize it differently, consider Dr. Flanders’ following example about ice cream: “I had a teacher once who described it in terms of ice cream flavors,” she says. “What if your favorite ice cream flavor was kale, but you never knew that about yourself because it was never an option? And then one day, maybe you come across kale ice cream and love it, and now understand yourself as a person whose favorite ice cream is kale-flavored.”

“Sexuality is full of diversity, and awareness of different types helps build acceptance and understanding of these differences.” —Shannon Chavez, PsyD, sexologist

The implications of understanding the different types of sexuality are, of course, further reaching and more important than ice cream flavors. “Sexuality is full of diversity, and awareness of different types helps build acceptance and understanding of these differences,” says Shannon Chavez, PsyD, resident sex therapist with K-Y. “It breaks down stereotypes, judgments, and myths about different sexual populations. Sexuality is a central part of your identity and who you are, and learning more about your own sexuality as well as others’ can be an empowering and positive experience.”

To be sure, understanding your own sexuality can be beneficial for myriad reasons. It “can help you connect to other folks who share a similar experience, which we know is important for supporting the health and well-being of queer people,” Dr. Flanders says. “For me personally, I grew up in a time and a place where bisexuality and queerness weren’t options that were known to me. Once I met people who used those terms to describe themselves, it provided a framework for me to understand myself and my sexuality in a way that enabled me to communicate it to myself and others.”

And in fact, learning about the types of sexuality—even if you feel you already have a strong understanding of your own identity—can help destigmatize and remove shame surrounding the space for others. “I do believe we are going through a new sexual revolution where people are more open with their unique identities, bringing awareness to pronouns and gender identities, and freedom to express who you are sexually without fear and shame,” Dr. Chavez says.

While, again, the types of sexuality are constantly evolving and growing, below, you can find a breakdown of many up-to-date terms and their meaning, according to the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) and the University of Connecticut’s Rainbow Center:

18 types of sexuality to know about for a deeper understanding of yourself and others

1. Allosexual

This is a person who experiences sexual attraction.

2. Aromantic

An aromantic is one of many romantic orientations that describes someone who experiences little or no romantic attraction to another person.

3. Androsexual

An androsexual is sexually attracted to men or masculinity.

4. Asexual

People who are asexual have a lack of attraction to other people.

5. Bicurious

A person who is bicurious is interested in or curious about having sex with someone whose sex or gender is different from their usual sexual partners.

6. Bisexual

A bisexual is someone who is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to more than one sex, gender, or gender identity. This is a term that is sometimes used interchangeably with “pansexual,” which more specifically describes someone who is attracted to people without regard to their gender identity.

7. Demiromantic

This is a person who has little or no ability to feel romantically attracted to someone until they form a strong sexual or emotional connection with a person.

8. Demisexual

A demisexual does not experience sexual attraction until they have a strong romantic connection with someone.

9. Gay

A person who is gay is emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to people of the same gender identity. This term is often used by men, women, and non-binary people.

10. Heteroflexible

People who are heteroflexible often identify as heterosexual but may experience situational attraction that falls outside of that.

11. Heterosexual

This term describes people who identify as men who are attracted to people who identify as women, and vice versa.

12. Lesbian

A lesbian is someone who identifies a woman or as non-binary who is emotionally, romantically or sexually attracted to other women. The term is used by women and non-binary people.

13. LGBTQ

This acronym is used for “lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer.”

14. Pansexual

A pansexual is a person who has the potential for emotional, romantic or sexual attraction to people of any gender identity or sexual orientation.

15. Queer

This term describes a spectrum of sexual identities other than exclusively heterosexual.

16. Questioning

People who consider themselves questioning are currently exploring their sexual orientation.

17. Same-gender loving

This is a term that’s used by some people instead of “lesbian,” “gay,” or “bisexual” to explain their attraction to someone of the same gender identity.

18. Skoliosexual

A person who is skoliosexual is attracted to people who are non-binary.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

5 changes to expect in your sex life post-undergrad

By Victoria Syphoe

Whether you were in a college relationship, or single and loving it in undergrad, one thing rings true, sex and relationships after college are wildly different. As your whole life shifts into the “real” world, so do your sex life and priorities in your sex life. 

1. You’ve developed a bad sex radar.

Though college relations are oftentimes easy to instigate with countless horny adolescents at your disposal, this doesn’t always mean it’s good sex. Nonetheless, experience is the best teacher. You can better acknowledge what you like and don’t like, and more importantly, recognize the good from the bad. 

2. Masturbation can be your best friend.

Leaving college and starting your adult life can be a bit of a dry spell as your life shifts. Settling into a new job, paying bills, and ‘adulting’ can take your focus off of the ongoing search for a hookup. Don’t get frustrated, self-love is the best love in more ways than one. Knowing how to please yourself will get you very far and can increase your confidence in the bedroom. It can also make it easier to communicate to your partner how to properly please you and avoid awkward fumbling around.

3. There are enough partners to go around.

College relations can cause drama with there being a somewhat limited dating pool. Everyone goes to the same parties, meets the same people, and odds are if you think he’s cute, your friend may too. Luckily, this is less of a concern after college as you are exposed to countless new people in your adult life.

4. Yes, foreplay IS a thing!

Whether rushing to get it in between classes or just dealing with an inexperienced or careless partner, young women everywhere complain about men skipping the foreplay. With age and experience, men realize that foreplay is beneficial for the woman and them too in the long run. Everybody wins. 

5. Finally, no more falling off that twin bed.

As you get further into those 20-somethings you’ll find yourself happy to not have to sneak out of dorms or squeeze onto those uncomfortable twin beds. Enjoy being able to freely roll around in the sheets of beds made for two.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

The Sex Educators Helping Muslim Women Claim Their Sexuality

By Hafsa Lodi

‘Orgasm’ and ‘Islam‘ are two words you don’t typically see together. I never thought I’d use them in the same sentence and certainly never imagined I’d have the guts to write publicly about sex. It just isn’t something you talk about as a Muslim, especially if you’re female.

And so I can’t help but do a double take when I see the O word used colloquially by female Muslim personalities on social media. A post on @villageauntie’s Instagram states: “My orgasm is not optional.” “Orgasm is one part of a spectrum of sexual pleasure that Allah has created our bodies to experience,” reads a caption by @sexualhealthformuslims. Both platforms are treasure troves of advice, insight and tips tailored for Muslims – invitations to not-so-secret social media networks that work to remove stigma and democratise faith-based discussions about sex.

An Instagram poll of 615 Muslims revealed that growing up, only 9% had any sort of sex ed from a religious framework. Yemeni-British musician Noha Al-Maghafi, known as Intibint, recalls living in Yemen and being instructed to rip out the pages on reproduction from her science book in Year 6. In Year 9, her biology teacher gave her girls’ class a covert lesson on sex ahead of some students’ impending weddings. For other Muslim women, sex ed may amount to a whisper from their mother ahead of their wedding night, reminding them to shower afterwards to purify themselves. What happens in between is often pieced together from gossip, magazines, movies and television shows.

Intentions to shelter young Muslims from education about sex might be well-meaning – an extension of protecting their chastity and overall naivety – but there are far-reaching consequences to promoting this sort of ignorance. Lack of awareness and education about sex can lead to a fear of intimacy, unbalanced sexual roles, unenjoyable sex and, in extreme cases, marital rape. Thankfully, there is a movement brewing to demystify sexual education for Muslims, driven largely by women on social media who are speaking openly about sex. Discussing topics like consent, fertility, ejaculation and orgasms, their guidance is imbued with religious language and emphasises the equality of genders in sexual intimacy.

Sameera Qureshi of @sexualhealthformuslims is an occupational therapist and sexual health educator whose teachings are grounded in Islamic spirituality. A decade ago she was helping Muslim immigrants to acclimatise to Canadian society. Upon realising that sexual health wasn’t being addressed in Islamic schools, she helped to develop and facilitate an “Islamically oriented curriculum” for sexual health. “I just thought, How can we not bring Islam into this, it’s a part of our life,” she explains. Fast-forward to 2021 and Qureshi now offers consultation services, teaches courses and provides free, informative content through her platform. “There are just too many restrictions for Muslims to get this information, and what better way to do it [than] through social media and online courses? Nothing like this exists in terms of there being a journey in sex ed for Muslims – everything is very scattered and piecemeal,” she says.

Angelica Lindsey-Ali (known by her social media moniker, Village Auntie) is an intimacy and relationships expert in America who began discussing sex with groups of Muslim women while living in Saudi Arabia and now offers courses through her Village Auntie Institute. “My work lies at the intersection of the sacred and the sacral – so I like to talk about spirituality while using sex as a framework to have those discussions,” she explains. “Everything I do is focused on women. I’m not really interested in male perspectives just because I think that we’ve been overwrought with male perceptions about sexuality and the female body.”

Orthodox Muslim positions on sex have been interpreted and passed down primarily by men, so seeing Muslim spokeswomen striving to change the narratives around sex in Muslim communities is quite revolutionary. However it isn’t only women who are lifting the veil on sexual awareness and empowerment. Habeeb Akande is a UK-based Muslim historian, sex educator and author of seven books, including A Taste of Honey: Sexuality and Erotology in Islam. To celebrate International Female Orgasm Day on 8th August, he hosted a webinar for men to learn about female pleasure. “I’m passionate about female sensuality and aim to close the gender orgasm gap,” he says. “I believe every man should know how to help a woman climax until she is truly satisfied, and that every woman should understand her body and feel entitled to pleasure from her man.”

Exuding charisma and approachability, these educators are in stark contrast to the often fear-based ‘religious’ sexual discourse, rife with foreboding words like ‘impure’ and ‘haram’ (forbidden), which can perpetuate a cycle of shame. The little information that does seep through the cracks of censorship is often patriarchal, emphasising men’s active role and women’s passivity. “A lot of Muslim scholars incorrectly understand sexual response,” says Qureshi. “They often talk about males having ‘really strong, sexual drives’ and unfortunately this gets relegated to mean that men have no control over their sexual desire, that when they’re aroused, they need sex and that it’s the role of the woman to satisfy that in marriage – not vice versa. This creates an environment that’s very inequitable for sexual pleasure in marriage.”

Conversely, many Muslims emphasise the egalitarianism of the Quran’s message, which refers to spouses as ‘garments’ for one another. Akande points out that in several of his sermons, the Prophet Muhammad urged men to treat women well, which includes being affectionate and providing financial support, sexual fulfilment and emotional security. “Sadly, many women have been raised to believe their body belongs to their father or husband,” he says. “Some even incorrectly believe that Islam permits a man to force himself on his wife and that ‘good women’ do not initiate intimacy with their husbands.” The misconception that sex is just for men needs to be dispelled, believes Akande; in Islam, women have just as much right as men to sexual pleasure. “It is also important to debunk myths regarding male sexual entitlement as some Muslims erroneously believe consent does not exist in marriage,” he adds, explaining that these attitudes stem from cultural understandings and are not aligned with Islamic values. “Oftentimes people conflate Islam with culture, and Islamic teachings with Muslim practices.”

When Akande travelled to Egypt to study Arabic and Islamic law at Cairo’s Al Azhar University, he came across numerous ‘sex manuals’ written by male Islamic scholars – findings that he believes would surprise many Muslims today. “Erotic texts such as Encyclopaedia of Pleasure by Jawami’ Al-Ladhdha and The Perfumed Garden by Al-Rawd Al-Atir emphasised the sexual needs of women and female romantic fulfilment for a pleasurable marital relationship,” he explains, adding that “sexually empowered women have long existed in Islam but their stories are often untold.”

Lifting the lid on this suppression of perspectives is the groundbreaking work of these Muslim ‘sexperts’ and social media has been instrumental in spreading their messages. “It has been one of my best tools for community generation because I can reach those women who live in places where I may never actually get a chance to visit,” says Lindsey-Ali. Muslims can turn to these educators with questions that they feel unable to ask their parents, teachers or spouses and will be met with refreshing responses presented in relatable Instagram posts – from Qureshi’s “Debunking myths about the hymen” and “Muslims and masturbation: a ‘touchy’ subject” to Lindsey-Ali’s “How to improve your stroke game” and “Tips for husbands maximising the possibility of female ejaculation”.

Because these educators’ approaches are rooted in religious beliefs, their teachings are intended for sex within marriage. Akande, however, offers advice for non-married Muslims struggling with desire and lists questions for them to ask potential spouses about sexual compatibility. Qureshi, meanwhile, plans on launching a pre-marital workshop about intimacy later this summer. She also believes that unmarried Muslims can benefit from following her platform. “I’m well aware that there are Muslims engaging in sex before marriage and they’re not doing so with best practices,” she says, adding that she follows a “harm reduction-based” approach which aims to minimise the health and social impacts of a practice without necessarily requiring one to abstain from it. “I’m not here to tell you what to believe, I’m someone who wants to expand the conversation and bring forward perspectives that we haven’t been exposed to, because Allah gave us intellect and we’re ultimately responsible for our decisions,” says Qureshi.

Using their public platforms to discuss topics traditionally relegated to the private sphere has brought some backlash from more conservative critics. Lindsey-Ali has a handful of messages from “creeps” in her inbox and has been told that she will “go to Hell” and Akande has been told that his work is “very inappropriate”. Nonetheless, the increasing number of clients, subscribers, readers and followers is testament to the high demand for their services, and these experts hope this is the beginning of a collective revival of candour when it comes to Muslims and sex. Female sex educator Dr Shaakira Abdullah, who goes by @thehalalsexpert on Instagram, is targeting future generations of Muslims and offers ‘halal sex talks’ courses for parents seeking to discuss sex openly with their children while “keeping them connected to God”.

“Sexually empowered women have long existed in Islam but their stories are often untold. — Habeeb Akande”

From a truly religious standpoint, the work of these educators is hardly radical or rebellious – they are calling for Muslims to return to the foundations of the faith and distinguish religious ethics and values from the patriarchal cultures which have clouded them. Qureshi points out that Islam, as a religion, has been colonised over the past couple of hundred years and that many Muslims have reacted with very purist interpretations. “Going back to our tradition, if we learn about the nature of what it means to be a Muslim and we really expand that to an internal journey, I think the remedy is there,” she says. “Sexual education to some folks seems really minute but if you look at our scripture, it’s a huge topic with so much sacredness.”

The sacredness of womanhood remains a focal point for Lindsey-Ali, who believes that a profound confidence in their faith is driving Muslim women’s spiritual reawakening to their rights in the bedroom. “I think women are going back and looking at the Quran and Islamic texts and saying, ‘Does it really say that?’ and trying to unearth the true teachings of Islam,” she says. In the process they’re learning some valuable lessons, like “My pleasure is just as important as his”.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Why does sex hurt?

14 common reasons why intercourse is painful, plus how to prevent it

By Ally Head

So, why does sex hurt? Good question – and, sadly, not one that there’s a straightforward answer too.

Getting intimate and then feeling a stabbing, burning or, well, any kind of pain down there can be a bit of a mood killer, can’t it? Not to mention a worry.

Sex can hurt for a number of reasons, from underlying infections to hidden health conditions. That highlighted, it’s definitely better to deal with it sooner rather than later – no point gritting your teeth and hoping it will go away.

Known medically as dyspareunia, as obstetrician, gynaecologist and ambassador for Wellbeing Sisters doctor Larisa Corda explains, painful sex affects one in ten British women, as per an International Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology study.

And, according to doctor Shree Datta, gynaecologist for intimate wellbeing brand INTIMINA, there are two main types. Superficial dyspareunia – pain at the entrance to the vagina or within it at the point of penetration – or deep dyspareunia – which occurs deep in the pelvis. “Remember that pain can range from a mild irritation to debilitating pain, meaning sex can’t be tolerated, and it may be temporary, intermittent or a long term problem,” she explains.

Both female experts stress that it’s important to discover it sooner rather than later why you may be suffering from pain during sex. Keep reading to decode why does sex hurt, once and for all.

1. Too little lubrication

FYI, one of the most common reasons you’re having to Google, ‘why does sex hurt?’, is because you have too little vaginal lubrication during sex. This is totally normal – a lot of women experience vaginal dryness.

Your vagina lacking moisture can be down to the amount of foreplay before penetration, or even a lack of hormones such as oestrogen around the time of menopause, explains Datta. “If you suffer from medical conditions such as diabetes or depression, this can also affect your sexual libido and enjoyment,” she shares.

Bottom line: many women simply do not produce enough vaginal lubrication, including younger women, adds Samantha Evans, sexual health expert, former nurse and co founder of luxury sex toy retailer Jo Divine.

Try this: Rather than keep Googling why does sex hurt, Evans shares that the use of lubricants can really help. Often GPs will prescribe a hormonal cream or pessary, but many gynaecologists advocate using vaginal lubricants to help nourish the delicate tissues of the vagina. Read out guide to the best lubes to buy over the counter, while you’re here.

2. You may be suffering from a skin condition

Did you know? Underlying skin conditions can actually cause irritation during sex, and condoms may also cause discomfort or burning, particularly if you have an allergy, explains Datta. If your vagina burns after sex, you may have eczema and other genital skin conditions, such as lichen sclerosis.

Try this: Make sure you visit your GP to get your skin condition defined, if you think you may be suffering. From there, they can help you decide the best course of action, explains Corda.

3. You may have vaginismus

Ever heard of vaginismus? If you haven’t, it’s the tightening of your vaginal muscles automatically at the time of penetration, explains Datta. But why does this happen? “It can be caused by a combination of physical and psychological issues,” explains Corda. “Physical causes can include urinary tract infections, sexually transmitted diseases, vulvodynia, skin conditions such as psoriasis or eczema, menopause, and birth trauma.”

Psychological problems, on the other hand, can be caused by emotional or sexual trauma. “A previous painful experience with sex might make it harder to feel aroused and enjoy touch,” explains a spokesperson from Brook Advisory. “It can also make the muscles around the vagina and anus clench (to protect you from the pain you’re worried about) and make penetration difficult and more painful.”

Try this: With the appropriate medical intervention and counselling, the experts share that the problem can be alleviated to enable penetrative sex. Treatment usually involves specialist counselling, pelvic floor exercises, biofeedback training with a women’s health physiotherapist and use of medical dilators or a vibrator or dildo to slowly encourage the vagina to relax and open.

4. You may have an STD

Pain during or after sex can also be a sign of a sexually transmitted disease (STI) or vaginal infection, like a urinary tract infection like cystitis.

“Stinging or burning during sex may be as a result of a sexually transmitted infection, especially if you also experience an unusual vaginal discharge, or an unusual odour,” says Professor Ellis Downes, consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist and spokesperson for vSculpt. “If you have a new sexual partner and have had unprotected sex with him, and are experiencing these symptoms it would be a good idea to have it diagnosed and treated by your GP or at a sexual health clinic.”

Try this: STIs such as Chlamydia or gonorrhoea can have little to no symptoms but vaginal itching or burning, as well as painful sex, might be a sign that you are infected. Visit your GP or GUM clinic for a test. Treatments usually involve antibiotics but your doctor can recommend the next course of action.

5. You might have thrush

Three out of four women will suffer with thrush at some point in their lives, although it’s other infections, such as bacterial vaginosis. As above, UTI’s are also a common reason as to why sex is likely to hurt. Vaginal thrush, in particular, is a common yeast infection, and the main symptoms include painful sex, itching, soreness, stinging, burning when peeing and an odourless discharge.

Try this: You can pick up a DIY test in most pharmacies to determine whether you have thrush or BV, and your pharmacist will be able to recommend the best course of action. It’s usually treated with anti-fungal cream, pessaries, pills or a combination.

6. You could be going through the menopause

According to Corda, during the menopause, women experience a reduction in sex hormones which can lead to both vaginal dryness and sexual pain.

Do note here: Don’t feel embarrassed about this or suffer in silence – as Datta points out, lots of people experience sexual problems at different stages of life. “There is a lot of help out there, so there is no need to deal with this difficulty alone,” she shares. Do book an appointment with your GP if you think your painful sex may be because of menopausal symptoms.

7. Your vagina may be irritated

You’ll likely know that genital irritation can be caused by spermicides, latex or vaginal douching. Some women are allergic to certain products or even their partner’s sperm. Latex products, such as condoms or sex toys, can also cause an allergic reaction, so if you’ve ever experienced an itching or burning sensation when trying new products, then you might’ve had an irritation or allergic reaction which can, in turn, lead to painful sex.

Try this: do be aware of what you are applying to the delicate skin of your genitals. Glycerin – which is often found in flavoured lubes – as well as parabens and aspartame, can cause irritation. Similarly, alkali or acidic lubes can mess with the pH balance of your vagina and cause dryness and itching. Instead, switch to a water-based (not silicon-based) lube, such as Pjur. Another alternative is Sliquid, which is also glycerin- and paraben-free.

Similarly, opt for latex-free condoms and, when using a sex toy, make sure you clean if after use (read how to clean your sex toys, here), recommends Downes. “Some cleaning substances can irritate the vaginal lining, though, so do note that it’s best just to use hot water and natural soap.”

8. You may just not be aroused

“If you’re not physically aroused, touch of any kind can be uncomfortable, especially if it’s somewhere sensitive, like your clitoris or the tip of your penis,” says a spokesperson from the Brook Advisory Clinic. “Being well-lubricated, relaxed and with lots of blood flow in the area (you want either an erect penis or a vulva swell) helps with this, so put plenty of focus on foreplay,” they recommend.

FYI, women especially need warming up before penetrative sex, both physically and emotionally. “If you’re not feeling turned on – that is, if you’re not mentally aroused – touch can be unpleasant. For example, being tickled when you’re feeling playful and silly is usually more fun than when you’re tired or angry,” adds the Brook spokesperson.

Try this: The sexpert suggests spending time enjoying foreplay to significantly improve your sexual pleasure. “There may be times when penetrative sex is not possible, but you can still have great sex without intercourse,” they share.

Corda also adds that, if you’re worried about your lack of libido, counselling could be key to treating these factors and reviving the pain associated with sex. But in the first instance, it’s important to see your doctor to rule out medical causes first and provide the correct treatment.

9. You may be injured

Did you know? “Painful sex can be a sign of damage from previous sex, such as tearing or soreness,” explains a spokesperson from the Brook Advisory Clinic.

Think about it – you wouldn’t go running if you’d twisted your ankle, so try not to have sex super quickly after a particularly enthusiastic session, as it may have resulted in friction that has left you sore.

10. He may be too big

“Even if you’re well lubricated and fully aroused, you may experience pain if a man inserts his penis too quickly or deeply,” says Evans. “The vagina relaxes as you warm up to having sex, and will open more comfortably if the penis enters slowly. Guiding your partner in at your own pace can really help avoid any pain.”

Try this: She explains that often, having sex doggy style can be painful, so try backing onto the penis at your own pace. The same can be said when going on top. Don’t let your partner to pull you down onto their penis if you suffer from painful sex: instead, she recommends slowly lower yourself, controlling the speed and depth of insertion that is comfortable. Got it?

11. You may have a female health condition like endometriosis

Painful sex is a common symptom for women with endometriosis symptoms, which affect two million women in the UK, making many avoid sex altogether. Up to 50% of women with endometriosis have cited painful intercourse, ranging from sharp, stabbing, needle-like pain to a deep ache. It can feel mild to intense, either during sexual intercourse or up to 24 to 48 hours post-coitally, or both.

As well as endometriosis (when the lining of the uterus grows outside the uterus or is thicker than normal), painful sex can also be caused by fibroids (growths of muscle and tissue inside the uterus) growing close to your vagina or cervix, irritable bowel syndrome and constipation.

Try this: Endometriosis – and its flare ups – are unpredictable, so often it feels like there’s no knowing when they may occur. Some women experience pain throughout the month whereas others only experience it at certain times, likely – but not definitely – related to their menstrual cycle. There is no cure for endometriosis but there are treatments that can help with the pain – do visit your doctor if you fear you may have it.

12. If you’ve just given birth, your vagina may be recovering

Wondering why does sex hurt after just giving birth? FYI, giving birth is a beautiful and emotional thing – but also an emotional and physical challenge, too, and you’ll need to take time to recover afterwards. “Childbirth is a formative experience for any woman, and for some it can be traumatic,” says Dr Becky Spelman, psychologist and We-Vibe‘s relationship expert. “Insensitive care practitioners or a difficult or dangerous birth can give rise to a heightened fear of birth, pregnancy, and even sexuality itself. Women who have experienced a traumatic birth often struggle to re-engage with their sexual selves, even when they have recovered physically, and can experience pain with no obvious physical cause,” she explains.

So why exactly is sex painful after giving birth? A number of reasons, from bruising to the vaginal wall is a common reason, explains Downes. “You may also have experienced a tear which will need time to heal completely before you have sex again – doctors recommend at least six weeks but it often takes longer,” she shares.

Why is sex painful? Woman with Legs Raised wearing white shorts lying on bed

13. Your relationship might be under strain

Arguing a lot or working through a stressful patch in your relationship? Ill feeling can actually totally cause painful sex, FYI – it’s a vicious cycle.

“Experiencing emotional pain as a result of conflict within your relationship could lead to painful sex,” says Evans. “Many couples go through an emotional disconnect if one of them is unable to have sex, which in turn can increase the pain levels, thus creating a vicious circle.”

Try this: The sexpert advises that consulting a couples’ counsellor or sex therapist may help – and remember, you are not alone.

14. You could have a hidden health condition

Often painful sex is a sign of a more unusual, difficult to diagnose health issue, explains Evans. Some of the lesser known conditions that could be causing you discomfort during sex include:

  • Lichen Schlerosus – a common condition generally affecting postmenopausal women thought to be linked to an overactive immune system.
  • Vestibulodynia – a condition that makes you feel a burning pain thought to affect 12-15% of women.
  • Vulvodynia – spontaneous burning without an itching sensation.

If you’re worried you have any of the above, do see a doctor.

Is painful sex normal?

Now you’ve read the expert answer to why does sex hurt, we’re sure you’re keen to know if pain during intercourse is actually common. Short answer: yes, but it’s important to see your doctor if sex is painful repeatedly. “It can stop you from enjoying sex or lead to you avoiding sex altogether,” shares Datta – which is not good.

“This can be isolating, affect your mood and cause distress,” she shares. “It could also cause problems in your relationship over time. You may be referred to see a Gynaecologist and we may need to examine and exclude both physical and psychological problems.

Bottom line: pain during sex can be down to a number of different causes. “That’s why sometimes a multi-disciplinary approach is needed to reach an adequate diagnosis and to offer appropriate support,” explains Corda. “This may include psychologists, urologists, gynaecologists, and even dermatologists.”

They’ll be able to allow you to explore the various issues affecting your ability to have or enjoy sex, and your relationship with your partner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What do you do when your partner has a kink and you don’t?

Kinks are highly subjective and personal

By

We all have fetishes in some form.

Though you may not like to admit it, those chips you dip into your ice cream every Friday night could fall into that category.

They are the quirks and idiosyncrasies which form part of daily existence for many people. Most we turn a blind eye to and forget in a breath, but some can seem atypical, especially in the bedroom.

Kinks, as they are otherwise known, are a normal part of sexual desire. From BDSM to roleplay, exploring these fantasies can be healthy and allow you to define what you crave and don’t.

However, they are extremely personal and intimate. Subjective to the person, not every individual will fancy the same. Others simply don’t like kinks and would rather avoid them.

Each opinion is valid in the sexual realm but what happens when two opposing views come together?

If your partner has a fetish and you don’t, how do you navigate the bedroom?

Trust and and communication are central to a conflict-free solution.

‘It is ok for you to say this is something you are uncomfortable with and I would suggest you put some specific time aside to mention it if it is that significant to them and your sex life,’ relationship coach John Kenny tells Metro.co.uk

‘Tell them that although you appreciate this is something they are into and enjoy, it isn’t something you wish to participate in and hopefully they will respect you enough to accept that.’

Should one feel bad or strange about not liking kinks?

‘No, it isn’t bad,’ John says. ‘We all have our own reasons for enjoying the sexual activities we do.

‘Sometimes kinks come from a traumatic space, unhealthy attachment or a negative relationship with sex. Some are just ways of creating extra sexual excitement and a bigger hormonal or emotional rush. 

‘Some people just enjoy conventional sex and it is enough to satisfy them.’

If you worry your aversion will damage the relationship, John says to question this. Relationships aren’t built on sex alone and mutual respect is more important.

Communication is important

‘A sexual kink isn’t something that should be able to cause a significant issue,’ he explains. ‘If it does – especially for it to be a relationship-ending thing – then the person who puts this importance on it has an unresolved issue. Be mindful of manipulating techniques here in order to get you to conform.’

In contrast, Dr Laura Vowels, principal researcher and therapist at sex therapy app Blueheart, believes that kinks are important – and if yours don’t match up with a partner, it’s okay to decide that this is a dealbreaker.

She says: ‘It is possible that two people’s sexual preferences are so different that they won’t be able to meet each other’s sexual needs and there are times when people prefer to split up and be with different people who are a closer match to their desire.’

However, she notes discussing sexual desire as a whole is extremely beneficial to a relationship.

‘How you negotiate your interests is what matters,’ Laura explains. ‘Most of the time couples can find a way to meet somewhere in the middle as they explore what it is about a specific preference that’s really important to each person.

‘Sexual desire and preferences aren’t static but change and evolve over time. Therefore, you may find that your preferences aligned more initially but become more different as the relationship progresses, or vice versa.’

Dr Vowels adds that exploring kinks can be a liberating experience and if you feel it could be a possibility, take baby steps.

‘You can explore each other’s sexual preferences and boundaries in a safe and loving relationship,’ she says. ‘As a society, we’re not terribly good at talking about sex and there is still a lot of stigmas associated with anything other than a missionary position.

‘However, there’s a world of sexuality out there to explore and open yourself up to. Sometimes people find therapy really helpful and sometimes a patient, loving and respectful partner can help you feel safe enough to open up.’

Yet, she advises to stay within your boundaries and what feels comfortable. Going too fast may hinder you.

‘Experimenting doesn’t mean you will be open to trying everything or that you should try all things,’ she explains. ‘But slowly testing your boundaries to discover new experiences that you may find pleasurable can be really good for you both.

‘Make sure there’s trust, consent and mutual respect and go from there.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

A contract covering sex and housework could save your relationship

— Here’s how to make one

By Julia Naftulin

  • Author Mandy Len Catron says making a contract for her relationship has kept it healthy.
  • Catron told NPR she and her partner revisit the contract every six months so they’re on the same page.
  • The contract includes a date night quota, a clause about alone time, and a mission statement.

Couples should have a written contract that covers sex, housework, alone time and date nights, author Mandy Len Catron told NPR.

Catron, who penned the viral New York Times’ essay “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This” in 2015, believes contracts are the key to happy and healthy relationships.

“Every relationship is contractual, we’re just making the terms more explicit,” Catron told NPR.

Catron said she first encountered the concept in the book “The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels.” Afterwards, she said she and her boyfriend Mark sat down and created their own relationship contract. She said it felt “empowering” and “amazing” to voice her needs and insecurities and “make space for them.”

How to create a relationship contract

To create a useful and realistic contract, you have to establish expectations, according to Catron.

She told NPR it’s important to remember your romantic partner shouldn’t be your only source of emotional support, intellectual banter, and fun. Instead, remember to lean on family and friends for some of your relational needs, and go into contract creation with that mindset.

Next, you and your partner should determine what to include in the agreement, like daily chores, personal and professional goals, finances, family time, and sex and intimacy.

Catron said a relationship contract is individual to each couple, so you can be as creative as you’d like. She said hers starts with an opening statement about why she and her boyfriend are in a relationship, which reads:  “We aspire to help each other be more ethically minded and generous friends, community members and global citizens.”

It also includes a date night quota, details about who pays for dates, and a clause to make space for alone time. 

Revisit and revise your contract every 6 months

Catron and Mark revisit their contract every six months, she told NPR. This way, it doesn’t feel like a strict legally binding agreement, and instead feels like collaboration. 

“It really made me feel like a co-creator in this process, as opposed to someone who is just sort of sitting back and letting the relationship go wherever it’s going to go and hoping for the best,” Catron told NPR.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Why is maintenance sex such a complex issue?

The vulgarity of maintenance sex will vary depending on how you take it to play out

By

Maintenance sex is when someone puts out for their partner, particularly in long-term relationships, at times they don’t feel like being sexual.

Though ungendered in definition, the idea is usually put to women – have a quick Google of the term and you’ll see it recommended to women as a strategy to keep a marriage going.

It’s an old term that has come back into the spotlight after model Caprice said she does this with her husband.

Speaking to OK! Magazine, she said: ‘You can’t say, “I’m tired” or “I have a headache” – no! Take one for the team, because it’s between five to 10 minutes of your life.’

Since then, plenty of people have shared opinions on the matter and comment sections are a mix of men who agree with this, and others raising issue with the concept.

Maintenance sex touches on the fringes of many other big societal issues: gender politics, gender stereotypes and consent.

Due to this, we need to look at the nuances and complications around it – what maintenance sex means to one person will mean something else to another.

Psychosexual and relationship therapist Ammanda Major, who works for Relate, a charity providing relationship support, says many couples engage in maintenance sex. It’s a common issue sex therapists will come across.

She says: ‘People have sex for all sorts of reasons and there are lots of ways of being sexual with a partner.

‘For some it’s to have that orgasmic experience, but for many people it’s that closeness, that bonding.’

Sometimes that’s what maintenance sex is about, finding the connection rather than an orgasm.

Ammanda adds: ‘For most couples that have been together a long time, they report just cuddling up to someone and seeing what happens without the the clear intention of becoming necessarily sexual.’

A lot of sexual response is based on receiving an advance, even if the person wasn’t aroused before.

Often in a long-term relationship sex is a matter of ‘getting things started’, with one person initiating and foreplay getting the other person in the mood.

This is the side of maintenance sex that many couples will resonate with – but there are concerns around the idea of having sex when you’re not initially keen.

‘The key thing is not to be pressurised or do it because if you don’t your partner will sulk, become controlling or abusive in some way,’ Ammanda says.

‘If it makes you feel bad about yourself, don’t do it to yourself. If it makes you feel bad, then that’s telling you something.’

Dr Audrey Tang, psychologist and author, reiterates this point, telling us that sex when a partner isn’t sure or doesn’t feel like it is not something to be celebrated.

‘Sex is often one of the most loving, intimate acts you can share with someone,’ she notes.

‘It is something that is rewarding for all parties involved, because of the emotional and physical connection.  

‘When you change the narrative to where this beautiful gift of the self is offered “to keep someone in a relationship”, this devalues not only the act, but worse, your personal value, likely eroding your self worth with it. 

‘If someone is expecting you to “put out” in order to remain in a relationship with you, the question is not “Should I do it?” but rather “Do I even want that sort of energy in my life?”‘

Another issue that comes up when we talk about maintenance sex is the notion that this is a woman’s duty, because, so goes the stereotype, men want to have sex and women aren’t fussed.

Women have long been told they want less sex than men, and that their sexual desire isn’t a priority.

In practice, maintenance sex and fluctuating libidos are experience by all genders, regardless of sexual orientation.

So how do you navigate having a different sex drive to your partner? Is maintenance sex the answer?

Ammanda says communication is the only way you’re going to make true headway in the issue. An occassional maintenance sex session can be okay, but if you’re regularly feeling like you have to have sex, whether because your sex drives are mismatched or you’re not feeling loved up, that’s a larger issue that needs to be tackled.

‘Bear in mind sex drive levels change – we tend to talk a lot about how that’s a very static piece in a relationship, but actually for many couples it’s something that fluctuates and varies over time,’ she explains. ‘It swaps around – many men will report a lack of sex drive.

‘The key thing is to take away the sense of shame some couples have, either for wanting to have lots of sex or for not wanting to.

‘A lot of this comes down to developing good communication between the couple.’

Nurturing trust and respect will make these conversations flow easier, and therapy can be a good route to find a middle ground.

‘Historically you had to get the person with the lower sex drive up,’ Ammanda says, but this isn’t your only option.

Finding a compromise that fulfils both parties sexually is the best way couples can deal with unequal sexual drives, but the difference can also be a fair reason to end a relationship if it’s making either side unhappy.

Amanda says to figure out what sex means to you both and what you individually want from it, then go from there.

Most importantly: ‘Don’t do anything you don’t actively want to do.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Over 60s want to end the stigma and show sex doesn’t have an age limit

40% of people believe the desire for sex decreases with age

By

Unless it’s a cutesy couple holding hands who’ve been married for 50 years, sexual romance between two people over 60 is often cast aside.

Like in many other contexts, our relationship with ageing is strange – viewed as unattractive, we distance ourselves from it.

But if you are sexually active and under 60, is it an appealing thought to think others will view you as being ‘past it’ come retirement?

Sex doesn’t have an age limit, as a study from sexual toy company We-Vibe shows.

Their survey of 14,500 people globally found that 40% have the idea that sexual desire decreases with age, but people over 55 also surveyed rated their own libidos as being similar or on par with younger people.

Separately, an age study based in Berlin found that senior citizens were having more sex than younger generations.

The assumption that come retirement, people essentially cease to be sexual beings shuts down important conversations around older age sex.

‘By making senior sex a taboo topic, we stigmatize and infantilize a huge portion of our population. Sex has no expiration date,’ senior sex author Joan Price tells Metro.co.uk.

‘By closing down the conversation, seniors who need solid information or advice won’t get it, won’t even dare ask.

‘By keeping senior sex in the dark, we hurt and shame people. Let’s accept that sex is a part of life whether we’re 25 or 75 or beyond. If we’re lucky, we’ll all age.

‘Sex affects our health, intimacy, pleasure, and sense of wellbeing. It’s part of life,’ she adds.

It can lower stress levels, lower blood pressure and boost happiness – things that matter in old age especially as this generation is particularly vulnerable to experiencing loneliness.

Speaking on his sex life, 76-year-old Rory says: ‘I don’t do it as often as I used to, but it is something to enjoy in a very warm, loving and comfortable way as compared to the past.

‘There was a lot of pressure to have the “perfect” sex when I was younger, but I have learnt now, that orgasming is not everything.’

For 73-year-old Peter, tired stereotypes around age and sex don’t reflect in his life at all.

‘It’s not exclusive to the young. The younger generation often think: “You’re 73 and you are still thinking about sex – you’re a pervert”.

‘However, the older you get has got nothing to do with how you feel about sex.’

He adds that by his age, you’ve learnt how to have ‘good’ sex.

Julia Henchen, a sex therapist, says sex also can improve with age due to having a better relationship with the self.

Explaining that sexuality doesn’t retire, she says: ‘This is actually a huge myth, because most of the time sex tends to get better with age.

‘It has to do with the fact that people have better access to their own bodies at an older age.’

This rings true for 66-year-old Toni, who tells us sex is better due to knowing her body more.

‘I find sex much better now than I used to in my teens.

‘It was only after menopause that I discovered that I can get to about three in a row,’ she shares.

When speaking on past versus present sexual experiences, confidence was a recurring theme – this is something else older generations want younger people to realise and learn from.

‘If I could go back in time, the one piece of advice that I would give myself is to enjoy myself.

‘Don’t worry about what you look like, don’t worry about your tummy, don’t worry about funny angles, just let yourself go. I have experienced the best sex not when I was young, but in my later years,’ Lesley, 66, says.

Though it isn’t always perfect – ageing naturally changes the body and brings about a new sex of challenges while having sex.

She continues, speaking on a more recent encounter: ‘I used to quite like standing up but my knees have given up the ghost now.

‘The last time I tried that I was screeching out because of my knees and of course the chap thought that I was in throes of passion. It was quite hilarious.’

Rather than see the inevitable changes as limitations, Lesley is able to see the fun still available to her.

Sexologist Dr Jess O’Reily tells us that the problem she sees most in clients is lubrication, often recommending lube and various toys to help make sex pleasurable.

‘If you see the changes that come with age as an opportunity, you’ll likely to discover new erogenous zones, more creative ways to arouse your body, more meaningful ways to connect with a partner and even more exciting ways to orgasm.’

Rather than acquaint ageing with a limited and diminished sex drive, old age actually be the key to confident, explorative sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

The Surprising Innovations of Pandemic-Era Sex

Many queer people are reimagining their own boundaries and thinking of this reentry period as a time for sexual self-discovery.

In a time when touch has been so limited, some people have been moving toward a future full of bold new pleasures.

By Madison Moore

The pandemic has affected our sex lives in many unusual ways, but perhaps none more unusual than this development: The coronavirus has highlighted the possible public-health benefits of glory holes. Sexual positions that make use of walls as physical barriers have long been considered niche. But when the New York City Department of Health recommended them last month as part of a push for safer sex, it tapped into a question that many of us have been asking: How do you seek sexual satisfaction during a global health crisis?

I haven’t had sex in more than a year, mostly because I took COVID-19 very seriously. I disconnected from the public sphere. No one visited my apartment. I disinfected my groceries and covered my apartment’s air vents with trash bags. As a queer person, I could barely register the idea of sex while living alongside a deadly virus that nobody really understood. One study published early in the pandemic showed that 43.5 percent of people reported a decrease in the quality of their sex life. Among study participants, they had fewer sexual encounters with other people, and even masturbated less often.

But queer and trans people have a rich history of pursuing pleasure, especially during dark times when that very pursuit is dangerous, even illegal. This drive stems from the fact that many queer and trans people—especially those of color—live under a kind of sociocultural duress in which our livelihoods and human rights are constantly subject to negotiation and popular debate, to say nothing of our physical safety. In spite of this reality, queer and trans people have innovated not by waiting for the future to “get better,” but by prioritizing the urgency of feeling pleasure right here, right now. So I knew that some of us would create novel pathways around the pandemic’s roadblocks to sex. I also knew that as the world reopened and Grindr profiles got fired up again, queer innovators would bring the kinks learned during quarantine into their post-vaccine encounters with other people.

In a time when touch has been so limited, some people have been moving toward a future full of bold new pleasures. Alex Jenny, a therapist based in Chicago, told me she joined a nude-sharing group chat, started an OnlyFans page, and began having sex online. In Virginia, where I live, one friend sauntered over to a lover’s doorstep one night wearing a mask and nitrile gloves, picked up a Speedo sealed in a ziplock bag, went home to do a photoshoot in the swimwear, and sent his beau the photos and videos. Many people are reimagining their own boundaries, thinking of this period of virtual intimacies, of distance and little physical contact, not as a lack but instead as a sort of edge play through sexual self-discovery.

For Julian Kevon Glover, an assistant professor of gender, sexuality, and women’s studies at Virginia Commonwealth University who’s writing a book about the nuances of nonmonogamy, that meant attending an online sex party with her primary partner. “[My partner and I] played on camera with a group of like-minded folk and it was much hotter than I ever expected,” she told me. “I’ve learned that queer people are and will always remain quite as horny, and we are inventive.”

Though the pandemic necessitated screen-based intimacy for some, queer people have always used the internet as a place to navigate their sexuality. During the late 1990s and into the early aughts, I spent more time than I care to admit navigating chat rooms on gay.com and Manhunt, where I pointed and clicked my way to some of my first sexual experiences. But I wasn’t looking only for sex. Growing up as a Black teenager in Ferguson, Missouri, during the era of frosted blond tips, white-seashell necklaces, and Abercrombie & Fitch, I was hoping to connect with anyone who could help me not feel so alone. The researcher David F. Shaw talked about this form of online intimacy, or “computer-mediated communication,” as the “uncharted territories of cyberspace where men sit alone at their keyboards producing and inscribing themselves within interactive texts of homosexual desire and need.” Historically, gay online forums have been so widespread that a 1994 Wired top-10 list noted that of the most popular chat rooms created on AOL, three were for gay men, one was for lesbians, and one was for swingers.

Part of the reason queer sex thrives online is because of the internet’s covert nature. Prior to the web’s easy anonymity, queer people had to seek sly ways to court sex in front of other people without being detected. The hanky code of the ’70s and ’80s, an elaborate system of discreet communication wherein people put different colored hankerchiefs in their right or left pockets to indicate sexual interests, allowed queer people to speak about kink in plain sight without words. Craigslist, which most people know as a place to find an apartment or a piece of furniture, was for many queer people a vibrant place to find sex before the Fight Online Sex Trafficking and Stop Enabling Sex Traffickers Acts of 2018. The list of ways to hook up goes on: sultry personal ads in the back pages of gay publications such as XY and Têtu, dating sites such as Grindr, and now, the Zoom sex parties of the coronavirus era.

These arenas have facilitated cultural practices that the anthropologist Shaka McGlotten calls “virtual intimacies,” or feelings of connection mediated by communication technology. I was amazed by how swiftly queer nightlife and sex worlds moved to Zoom, but Aurora Higgs, a queer Ph.D. student, artist, and performer from Richmond, Virginia, says that the required shift to online events ended up feeling more liberating than in-person shows. In Virginia, liquor laws limit activity in mixed-beverage establishments, including how much skin dancers can show, which clothing items can be removed, and how dancers can remove them. But the brilliant thing about online burlesque, Higgs told me, was that there was no bar. “We were able to do stuff we weren’t able to do before, things like nudity,” she said. “It was interesting to see how people were utilizing their own spaces at home to dip us further into the fantasy.”

Higgs told me that she plans to start a website where she can do cam work and online kink photography. “As a Black trans woman, I sometimes feel like everyone has access to my sexuality but me. I’m expected to be passively content at the end of a violent gaze, with little opportunity to turn my gaze on to others or on myself,” she said. With camming and virtual shows, “the gaze that normally violates me is temporarily being used at my discretion.”

Even though sex can now take place in real life again for some, many queer and trans people—who have long dealt with the reality of HIV/AIDS—must navigate transparency about sexual health with the added complication of COVID-19. Trust is the currency that will shape how queer and trans people approach hooking up in a post-vaccine summer, Ayo Dawkins, an artist from Virginia, told me. “Not that I trusted everyone I was with pre-pandemic,” they said. “But I knew sex wouldn’t kill you. You have condoms to protect you from STDs and STIs, and you have Truvada (PrEP) to protect you from HIV, but nothing could protect you from COVID aerosols.” Today, with new questions to ask about sexual-health statuses, some queer people may favor a more curated approach to sex that relies heavily on closed sexual networks.

In many ways, the past year and a half of sexual distancing, online intimacy, and exploration of pleasures has been a rehearsal for a yet-to-be-imagined queer sexual ecosystem. One of my favorite passages from the book Cruising Utopia, by the theorist José Muñoz, reads: “Queerness is not yet here. Queerness is an ideality. Put another way, we are not yet queer … Queerness is a structuring and educated mode of desiring that allows us to see and feel beyond the quagmire of the present,” which is to say that queerness might be the longing for a better world to come. I always say that creativity and innovation stem from the margins, from those who are resisting the kind of flattened human experience that comes from being denied access. If COVID-19 has taught us anything, it’s how to foreground the importance of feeling as a means of survival.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Why You Shouldn’t Feel Pressure to Label Your Sexuality

Fear not: Sexuality doesn’t have to be black and white!

By Nona Willis Aronowitz

Q: Hi. I’m Sadie and I’m 15. Right now I’m really confused because I know that I’m romantically attracted to guys, but sexually attracted to girls. I just don’t know why I can’t like guys in the same way that I like girls, and I don’t even feel romantically attracted to girls. What does this mean?

A: Before we get to what all this means for your identity and relationships, let’s talk about what this stuff literally means, starting with the basics. “Sexual attraction” means feeling like you want to make out or engage in some level of sex with another person. “Romantic attraction” means feeling non-platonic emotional connection with or attachment to someone, but can also involve physical affection like cuddling. Romantic and sexual feelings don’t always go hand in hand.

As a culture, we fully accept this on an individual basis: Nobody would bat an eyelash if, say, one person loved hooking up with her classmate yet didn’t get enough romantic butterflies to actually date them. But as you’ve already noticed, this can happen with entire genders, too: One gender may inspire love, but not lust, and vice versa.

People can be homoromantic or heteroromantic, just like they can be homosexual or heterosexual. They can be sexually attracted to more than one gender (bisexual or pansexual) or romantically attracted to multiple genders (biromantic or panromantic). When people’s romantic and sexual attractions don’t match up gender-wise, it’s called romantic and sexual discordance. That sounds intimidating and long-winded, but it’s just a technical term you never have to use if you don’t want to. Discordance isn’t wildly uncommon; in a 2016 study of 414 adults, 10% of them reported having discordant sexual and romantic orientations.

“People can definitely be homosexual but heteroromantic” (which is what you describe in your letter) “although it is less common than being, say, bisexual and heteroromantic,” says Emily Lund, PhD, assistant professor of Counselor Education at the University of Alabama and one of the authors of the 2016 study. “People can also have different degrees of attraction to different genders and these can fluctuate over time.”

You describe feeling confused over your romantic and sexual attractions, and that’s perfectly fine. Lund says you shouldn’t feel like you have to commit to one identity now—or ever. “Sexual identity development is a process, especially for people who have a non-normative sexual or romantic orientation,” Lund says. “Many people go through several labels and identities to describe their sexual and/or romantic attractions before finding one that fits. And some people never find a label that quite fits.”

In other words, it’s totally OK to simply exist and date whoever strikes your romantic or sexual fancy, without an explanation. If you’re looking for models or support, it might help to seek out queer spaces for teens, particularly those that honor non-normative sexuality, like Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. (Their website has information about all kinds of identities on this spectrum.) As their founder, David Jay, told me a few months ago: A label is “not an inner truth, not a medical diagnosis. If it feels useful, use it. If it ever stops feeling useful, stop using it.”

Even if you do find an identity or term that feels right, keep in mind that at 15, your body and mind is raging with fluctuating hormones and information overload. “Fifteen-year-olds are often still developing in both their romantic and sexual attractions, so it may be that Sadie’s feelings and attractions will shift over time,” says Debby Herbenick, PhD, professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health. This is backed up by research: Psychologist Lisa M. Diamond studied 100 women over more than a decade, as they moved from adolescence into adulthood, and found that their sexual orientations often shifted according to their life stage. “This can happen with romantic feelings, too,” says Herbenick.

That’s not to discount your current attractions. After all, this may very well be who you are for the rest of your life, which is fine, too. What these experts are trying to say is that you should not feel pressure to label your sexuality yet, or ever. We as a society focus a lot on who and what people are — but our identities are ever-changing!

So let’s go back to your question: What does this mean? You may be worried about how you’ll be able to have both a sexual and romantic relationship with a single person. The comforting fact is that people work out all kinds of arrangements.

Perhaps you’ll gravitate towards open relationships or polyamory, feeling romantically close to one partner while sexually satisfied by another. Perhaps you’ll fall in love with someone whose gender you are not sexually attracted to, but still have sex with them gladly and generously. “People of all sexual orientations sometimes have sex not because they’re feeling strong desire, but because they want to help their partner feel good, and sometimes their partner does the same for them,” Herbenick says. You might also find someone whose gender matters little to you, who you’re both romantically and sexually attracted to. There are countless options.

The main thing to remember is that, no matter how your orientations develop, it’s possible to have a healthy, fulfilling romantic and sexual life. And again—I cannot stress this enough—figuring out your desires is going to be a conscious, active, lifelong process. It’s always a good idea “to explore and to check in every now and then and see how you’re feeling,” Herbenick says. “Whether you’re 15 or 55.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Are You in an ‘Inter-Intimate’ Relationship?

For some couples, having different nonsexual intimacy preferences can be a strain on the relationship. Here’s how to meet in the middle.

By Allison Hope

Hugs. Back rubs. Cuddling. Holding hands.

There are many ways in which we show our love for our significant others, and we all need and want different amounts of emotional and physical intimacy. While couples with differing sex drives face hurdles, many couples may also be involved in “inter-intimate” relationships, where each partner has different preferences when it comes to giving and receiving nonsexual affection.

“‘Inter-intimates’ describes the incongruent needs and desires that exist between people in a relationship, which inevitably will be mismatched at various times,” said Damon L. Jacobs, a marriage and family therapist in New York City.

That was the case for Marsia Belle when she met her husband of four years, Adam Brown. “I am a married woman with a lot of affection to give,” said Ms. Belle, a 27-year-old Ph.D. student at Regent’s University London. “When I first met my husband, he was different and didn’t consider nonsexual physical touch or physical affection a necessity.”

The problem plagued her dating history. “Because my past relationships lacked physical closeness and nonsexual intimacy, arguments and problems would more easily break trust, loyalty and other important values,” Ms. Belle said. “Breakups would be easy and unstoppable.”

Touch is a form of intimacy distinct from sex, with its own set of rules that can threaten to undo romantic entanglements.

“Mismatched needs for affection and touch are common in relationships,” said Mr. Jacobs, the therapist. “If you think about it, it’s quite rare for any two humans to be in complete sync at all times during the course of a long-term relationship.”

Samuel Twumasi, 33, an economic development officer, and Rhoda Twumasi, 34, a communications professional and content creator, had a rocky first year of marriage because of their mismatched affection.

“It caused a lot of stress, phone calls to his mother — I was desperate,” said Ms. Twumasi, who lives with her husband in Yorkton, Saskatchewan. “We wondered if getting married was a mistake in the first six months because we just did not understand how each other communicated or what the other person needed.” The couple also struggled with infertility, which added to their stress.

“Problems can arise if one partner feels ‘skin-starved’ and the other feels that they offer enough affection or doesn’t prioritize affection and physical touch as integral to the success of the relationship,” said La’Tesha Sampson, a clinical social worker and the founder of Great Joy Counseling and Consulting Services in Clark, N.J.

Reneze Lopez, 25, a travel and style blogger in Henderson, Nev., and Gary Goodman, 52, a licensed pharmacist turned stock trader in Las Vegas, have been dating for four years. Ms. Lopez said that their conflicting intimacy styles have put a strain on their relationship.

“I have definitely realized that affection plays a huge role in a relationship and it takes a lot of work,” said Ms. Lopez, who seeks more affection than Mr. Goodman. Communicating with one another, particularly when emotions are running at a low heat rather than a boil, has helped them see and hear one another.

Regardless of quantity, physical affection plays a biological role in one’s happiness. Oxytocin — sometimes called the “cuddle hormone” — releases at higher levels in moments of physical affection, and research has pointed to its health benefits, according to Paula S. Barry, a physician at Penn Family and Internal Medicine Longwood.

Mike Lee, 43, a life coach and certified matchmaker, and Amber Lee, 41, also a matchmaker, of Richmond, Va., have been together for 11 years and are engaged to be married. The couple has navigated divergent levels of affection for the duration of their relationship, with Mr. Lee needing more affection and Ms. Lee wanting less. They have managed to steer through it by communicating and injecting a little humor into the situation.

“We have learned to be playful and tease each other about our preferences for affection,” Ms. Lee said. “Mike will literally lick my face if I am not giving him affection when he desires it. This playfulness helps me to loosen up and helps him to get the attention he desires from me as we laugh and enjoy each other.”

So how do you reconcile your inter-intimate relationship? “Proper communication about affection wants and needs should occur often in the relationship,” Ms. Sampson, the social worker, said. “Rituals should be clearly identified in order to foster and maintain equilibrium. Couples may want to kiss good morning and good night, embrace one another upon greeting or ensure there is cuddling before or after sexual intimacy. It is important that both partners meet in the middle and constantly adjust to ensure the other partner’s needs are met.”

With time, the Twumasis learned how to communicate their needs to one another. “He would ask straight up what I needed from him in terms of affection, and I’d tell him, ‘Hold me, hold my hand, just sit with me,’” Ms. Twumasi said.

The same goes for Ms. Belle and Mr. Brown, her 31-year-old radiographer husband. “We have worked on this together over the years, and he now understands that little acts of love and nonsexual intimacy can be a nice daily or hourly reminder of love,” Ms. Belle said.

When broaching the topic of inter-intimacy with your significant other, it helps to approach calmly and seek to understand and inquire rather than complain or demand.

Start with a mutual understanding that demands kill affection, Mr. Jacobs said. “None of us can fully be open and vulnerable when there are consequences attached to not feeling open,” he said. Once an understanding is established, work on aligning on what your needs and wants are and create that space for intimacy. Then, schedule a “touch session,” he said. The goal shouldn’t be sex, he said, but to “connect without any expectations.”

Good communication, a curiosity to understand what makes your significant other tick and an active interest in meeting these needs are the formula for success in any relationship. In an inter-intimate relationship, it can be the saving grace.

Still, inter-intimate relationships aren’t all doomed from the get-go.

Emily Grace Bergh, 39, a publicist, and Colter Reid Bergh, 33, a software engineer, who live in Keene, N.Y., have been together for three years. They were both married with two children each before meeting, marrying and having a child together. Ms. Bergh requires more affection, whereas Mr. Bergh describes himself as “steady and non-emotive,” but the two complement each other. “Our personalities are extremely different but somehow work magically,” Ms. Bergh said.

Part of what makes their relationship work is a concerted effort from both parties. Mr. Bergh actually sets an alarm on his phone for cuddle time every Thursday night to meet his wife’s expressed need for physical affection, a tactic they came up with on their own. Ms. Bergh knows when to give her husband space. “For both of us, affection and nonsexual intimacy is the foundation to our relationship,” Ms. Bergh said. “With five kids, full-time jobs and currently renovating a house on a mountaintop, we have to make time to connect. It does not just appear for us.”

If you aren’t getting the affection you need in your relationship, there are other options that don’t involve divorce or devastation.

Betty Martin, 70, is a sex and consent educator in Seattle and a board member of Cuddle Party, a nonprofit organization that facilitates gatherings in more than a dozen countries where participants can exchange physical affection. Alcohol, racy negligee and sexual intentions are not welcome. Sparkling apple cider, cozy pajamas and consent are encouraged.

More than half of the Cuddle Party attendees are single, while some come with partners and others are in relationships where they aren’t getting enough affection at home.

“If the only touch you get is in sexual activity, then you are missing out on a basic human need,” Ms. Martin said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

The Limits of Sex Positivity

American culture still treats disinterest in sex as something that needs to be fixed. What if any amount of desire—including none—was okay?

By Angela Chen

For more than half a century, the modern industry of sex therapists, educators, and experts has been eager to tell us whether we’re having enough sex, or the right kind of sex. But this industry is, like any other, shaped by the broader culture—it took for granted that the goal was to “get everybody to the point where they have a type of desire and quality of desire that fits within the cultural norms and values,” the sex therapist and researcher Michael Berry says. Decades ago that meant: straight, monogamous, within marriage, private, nothing too kinky.

As American culture has become more expansive in its understanding of sexuality, so has sex therapy. But this kind of sex positivity often doesn’t leave room for those who don’t want sex at all. The prevailing idea remains that, as Berry puts it, “if people are coming to see a sex therapist, the intent would be to get them to have sex.”

Even in the midst of a “sex recession,” the idea that healthy adults naturally are and should be sexual remains embedded in everything from dating “rules” to medical dramas. Disinterest in having sex is considered a problem that needs to be solved—and this idea can harm everyone who is told they don’t want enough.

When some of sex educator Ev’Yan Whitney’s clients told her during their first sessions that they might be asexual, Whitney was skeptical. She knew the definition of asexual—a person who does not experience sexual attraction—but didn’t think that it fit most clients. She would never dispute anyone’s identity, but she thought other factors were likely to be at play.

Whitney grew up in a religious environment, where the only discussion of sex was an explanation of anatomy and she was expected to remain a virgin until marriage. Then, as a sex educator, she often heard from her peers that “liberated” people wanted a lot of sex—which made her ashamed because, well, she didn’t want a lot. For years, Whitney tried to “fix” her low desire by reading sex-advice books, which told her to be confident, wear lingerie, and keep saying yes to sex she didn’t want in order to activate the lusty goddess within. Her own experience with cultural hang-ups made Whitney sensitive to how they might affect clients, and led her to believe that if a client had, like her, absorbed a rigid view of sexuality, they might mistakenly think they were asexual, or “ace.”

Today, this attitude “is something I feel some guilt over,” Whitney says. “Looking back, many clients seemed pretty damn ace.” Whitney can recognize that now because she has realized something else: that she herself is on the ace spectrum.

Whitney reached out to me after reading my book and recognizing her experience in my descriptions of my own asexuality. That personal reckoning was accompanied by a professional one. It made her question whether being asexual was compatible with being a sex educator.

The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), a certifying body, includes asexuality in its curriculum as part of a broad “core knowledge area” covering sexual orientation and gender identity, but trainees are not required to study asexuality aside from that overview. Several sex therapists and therapists-in-training interviewed for this article (both AASECT-certified and not) said they did not receive detailed information about asexuality in their training. “One of the reasons we don’t get super specific about exactly what people need to know is that the minute we pin that down, more research will enter the field and our definition will be outdated,” said Joli Hamilton, who helps AASECT determine its educational curriculum. “And, as you know, the wheels of systems grind slowly.”

Whitney, who educated herself in part by finding resources online, told me that most of the information she found about asexuality was clinical and confusing. It did not explain that asexuality exists on a spectrum, that some ace people want and enjoy sex for reasons unrelated to sexual attraction to any given person, and that asexuality and low desire overlap but are not the same.

Plus, plenty of people have low desire, and not all of them are asexual. In many relationships with a libido mismatch, the lower-desire partner believes that they are solely to blame. And feelings of being broken and “wrong” can be present even for those who don’t have a partner. When notions of health and normality require the desire to have sex, it can be hard to untangle cultural pressure from what is right for you.

Ruth, a civil servant in Ireland, was 28 when she decided to see a sex therapist. As she approached 30, she felt strong pressure from her family to marry and have children, but had never had a serious boyfriend. (Ruth requested that I use her first name only so she could speak candidly about sex therapy.)

Ruth had, in fact, fallen in love with a woman but felt no sexual attraction toward her, so she continued forcing herself to date men. “The reason I had pushed myself into situations with men, including one that was really unsafe, was because I was trying so desperately to flick the switch of straightness,” Ruth told me.

Her experience didn’t make sense, to others or to herself. Her sister joked that she had “Prince Charming syndrome” and was waiting for somebody perfect. Everyone around her knew what she should want, and Ruth tried to want that too. “I hoped that I could be fixed,” Ruth said. “I hoped that I’d somehow be able to feel the way you’re ‘supposed’ to feel. I was waiting for those feelings to come, for this magical experience when suddenly everything would fit into place.”

Her sex therapist asked Ruth whether she was attracted to, say, Brad Pitt, and Ruth said yes because she thought he was handsome. This kind of aesthetic attraction is different from sexual attraction, but Ruth hadn’t yet figured that out (and her therapist may not have known the difference). Ruth remembers that the therapist seemed very sure what she needed: to keep going on dates, putting herself out there, and to not be so shy. So Ruth took the advice and signed up for dating apps.

A few sessions later, Ruth ended the counseling relationship. Afterward, she kept to herself for about a year, both obsessing over the experience and trying to avoid thinking about it—until she happened to see an article about an asexual couple. The way they spoke about themselves resonated with her, and she wondered if she might be asexual as well. To test her theory, Ruth went on a date to observe what she felt. The date confirmed what she suspected. A couple of weeks later, she told a friend she was ace.

Discovering asexuality and the ace community came with feelings of relief and permission, and also sadness that the option had not been presented before. Ruth had only ever been told that she should find a way to want the “right thing.” What she was never told was this: Having sex is not inherently better than not having sex if someone doesn’t want it.

A question hangs in the background of these stories. It’s one that Martha Kauppi, a sex therapist and the founder of the Institute for Relational Intimacy, is frequently asked: How can I tell whether a client is asexual or whether something else—something that can be solved—is causing the disinterest?

Aces ask ourselves this, too, because of course a wide variety of factors can affect how sexual attraction and sexual desire are experienced. It can take a long time and a lot of self-knowledge to realize that the answer is often not cut-and-dried—that you can be anxious and also be asexual, that you can have OCD and also be asexual. That, as in Whitney’s case, you can have sexual shame from a conservative upbringing, work through that, and still be asexual. That experimenting and trying to raise your desire level are okay if you want to, but that you don’t have to keep trying just because others say you must. That experts can be wrong and you can be right.

It seems that many well-meaning therapists who learn about asexuality adopt a two-part framework: If someone is ace, leave them alone; if someone is not, encourage them to have more sex. In the end, this framework misses the forest for the trees. Whether disinterest in sex is because of asexuality or not actually doesn’t matter, because it’s not wrong. You can have a good life without sex. More important than categorizing clients is starting from a place where everyone is okay.

Kauppi’s approach is not to focus on cause, or to diagnose or label, or to tease out the asexuality/low-desire distinction. She instead works with the client to envision the many possibilities of a happy life, including a happy life without sexual desire or sexual attraction or sex at all. “I’m not going to just assume that you’d be a happier person if you wanted sex. That’s ridiculous,” Kauppi told me. The key is to figure out what clients truly want versus what they think they should want, and then keep digging. “Sometimes, people will say, ‘I wish sex were on my list but it’s not,’” Kauppi said, “and I would say, ‘Well, it’s interesting that you wish it were. I’m curious to know what that’s about.’”

Some people decide that they’re fine the way they are. Others decide that they do want to cultivate desire—the difference is that it no longer feels like something they must do in order to be “normal.” And accepting all levels of desire doesn’t mean ignoring the stresses that a desire discrepancy can cause in relationships. For couples, the purpose of sex therapy that doesn’t pathologize low desire isn’t to hide the conflict or to blame the higher-desire partner instead. It’s to acknowledge that two people will always have different wants but no one is at fault, and to see what compromise is possible from there.

Such an approach has made a big difference for Lisa, a library associate in Washington, D.C., (who uses she/they pronouns and requested that I use their first name only). Lisa says their sex therapist never tries to dispute their asexuality but does help them work on the challenges that can come with being ace: how to bring up asexuality with people they’re dating, how to become more comfortable with different kinds of touch that they do want, how to talk about consent in a helpful and intuitive way.

Although awareness has increased around asexuality as an orientation, discussions often lack depth or nuance. Furthermore, sexuality experts are still only beginning to challenge the broader idea that not wanting sex is a problem. “If I’m completely honest,” Ev’Yan Whitney told me, “in my work, I’ve never explicitly said or felt safe to claim that, actually, I experience sex in a different way. I do have low desire.” Playing into others’ perceptions felt necessary in order to be respected as a sex educator, even though Whitney felt frustrated by the tone of many sexuality events, which she describes as: “To masturbate, do this; to have a better orgasm, use this yoni egg, try this warming lube.”

Over time, Whitney developed a framework that prioritizes sensuality for its own sake (and not as a means to penetrative sex) and that focuses on the desire someone actually has, not what they are supposed to have. Though she feels guilty about not presenting asexuality as an option to past clients, she hopes she still helped them by moving them away from sex tips that were goal-oriented without questioning the value of the goal.

Now that Whitney knows herself better, she wants to be an example of a sex educator who advocates for a more expansive understanding of desire and connection. She’s excited to talk with other educators and with clients about being an ace person who does have sex, about having low desire and still feeling good in her body, and about not caring what “caused” her to be this way. “I kind of want to make people confused a little bit,” she says.

Sexuality is complicated, multifaceted, and often shifting. Activists and educators have shaped culture so that options beyond straight, monogamous, vanilla sex feel more acceptable. But true sexual freedom must both celebrate consensual sex for those who want it and avoid pathologizing those who are not interested. This means allowing people to experiment without making sexual attraction or desire a requirement for health or happiness or a good life. For sexuality experts, understanding and accepting lack of desire should be as worthwhile a project as cultivating desire. Nobody is frigid; nobody is broken.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How has the pandemic changed dating?

Here’s 7 tips for getting back out there.

By Lisa Bonos

The coronavirus pandemic flipped the dating world upside-down. Instead of the traditional after-work drink, singles experimented with virtual dates and masked walks. Any physical touch, even a hug, required a conversation first. Many daters self-quarantined for weeks just to have a meal inside with someone.

It was a lot of work, but those rigid covid-19 dating rules did provide a framework for seeking romance during a pandemic.

Now that about half of American adults are fully vaccinated, the traditional in-person first date is returning and many of us are clueless. “How to date” was the most searched phrase in D.C. last week, according to Google. Nationally, searches related to how to date are at a five-year high.

Is the video date still necessary? How do you seem interesting on a first date after being confined to the couch for the past 16 months? Is it okay to ask about someone’s vaccine status?

We spoke with singles and dating experts about how to adapt what we learned from covid dating to the new normal. Here are seven tips for getting back out there.

1. Virtual dates are still a thing. Even though she’s vaccinated and bars are open again, Julia Capeloto, a 39-year-old marketing executive in San Francisco, still insists on video dates before most in-person meetups. It helps her gauge someone’s personality and whether there’s physical attraction. That’s one pandemic habit she’s keeping.

“Before covid, I wasted my time on so many bad first dates,” Capeloto says. Lately, there have been “far fewer bad first dates because I’ve been able to talk to them before.”

2. Be upfront with your date and slow down. Having honest conversations with a potential partner has always been important, but the pandemic made such talks even more essential. Capeloto has noticed that her matches are more upfront about what they are seeking — a relationship, something casual or undecided. She’s found that directness refreshing and hopes it will stick around.

Capeloto says covid dating has also taught her to slow down. “You don’t need to go on two dates in one week with someone new. Take your time, get to know them,” she says. “At the end of the date, think about: Do I want to see this person again or am I just lonely and I want some companionship?”

3. Find a way to talk about your values. During the pandemic, asking how seriously someone was taking the coronavirus and social distancing rules gave us a shortcut to assess whether our values meshed. Some daters may feel lost without such clear litmus tests.

Alison Wellington, a dating and relationship coach in Brooklyn, suggests making a list of what you’re looking for in partner — no more than six nonnegotiable character traits. “If you don’t have a clear vision as to what you’re looking for in a partner, it’s going to be difficult for you to find it,” Wellington says.

Before a date, think about how to judge if someone has the qualities you’re looking for. If you’re seeking someone family-oriented, for example, Wellington suggests asking your date about their childhood, or how often they see or talk to their family

And conversations about vaccination status and covid anxiety are still relevant, she says. Even if both parties are vaccinated, Wellington says, it’s still a good idea to ask about what precautions your date still takes against the coronavirus. Basic questions about whether someone prefers indoor or outdoor dining “speak volumes to this person’s ability to be respectful and thoughtful with this person’s boundaries,” she said.

4. Keep the work talk to a minimum. Long before covid, matchmakers often emphasized that dates shouldn’t feel like networking dinners. After all, you’re auditioning someone for the role of romantic lead, not head of marketing. “If you start to go career-y on your dates, you’re friend-zoning. You’re taking the sex out. You want to talk about other things, like travel, hobbies and interests,” Patti Stanger, former host of the Bravo reality show “The Millionaire Matchmaker,” said in an interview. Try asking someone about the last book they read, concert or comedy show they attended — or what kinds of things they do with their friends. That way you can learn about the rest of their life, the part you might be spending with them.

5. Be curious about your date. Logan Ury, the director of relationship science at Hinge, has a motto: “Be interested, not interesting.” A lot of people try to entertain their dates by telling their funniest stories or talking about the cool trips they’ve been on. “But good dates are about connecting with another person, not showing off,” Ury writes in her book “How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love.” Ury suggests being an active listener, which can make somebody feel “interesting, desired and appreciated.”

How do you do that? Aim for “support” responses, Ury said in an interview, rather than returning the focus of the conversation back to you. If your date adopted a puppy during the pandemic, for example, ask why they chose the breed they did, or how the puppy training went — instead of telling them how badly you want a pooch. “By asking those support responses,” Ury says, “that person gets to dig into their own responses and that makes them feel really good in a conversation.”

6. Go ahead and be vulnerable on a first date. The heaviness of the pandemic had a way of stripping away any pretenses, making it harder for people to hide their true selves and easier to be open about their struggles.

This reporter has channeled that vulnerability into post-vaccinated dating. Recently on a first date, I erupted into tears over margaritas and appetizers — emotional spillover from a tough conversation I’d had earlier that day. My date handled it like a champ, moving to a seat closer to me, taking my hand and encouraging me to let it all out. He barely knew me, and yet his response was mature, accepting and understanding. It was as if we had been together for months. By the time we said goodbye, we both knew we wanted see each other again.

Being vulnerable doesn’t have to involve bursting into tears. Try asking your date about their toughest moments or who they leaned on most during the pandemic. People want to find somebody they connect with, and “being vulnerable is the way that you establish intimacy, through reciprocal self-disclosure,” Lehmiller says, adding that such openness “makes it more likely that something is going to arise out of that.”

7. Follow up. Lately, I’ve received some extremely thoughtful post-date messages telling me that it was nice to meet but that we’re not a match. In fact, Hinge’s Ury says the dating app’s users have reported that ghosting appears to be down these days. Writing a kind and respectful text thanking someone for their time, and highlighting one positive thing you gleaned about them, honors the time and energy you both put into meeting up.

Harrison Forman, a 29-year-old comedian and producer in New York, knows how it feels to be ghosted, so if he’s sensing a “friend vibe” after a first date, he politely makes that clear. The dating scene feels more direct these days, Forman says, with a no-loose-ends energy in the air. “You can’t come out of covid and live the same life.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Women in relationships ‘more likely to struggle with depression and self-esteem’

by Danielle Sinay

Today in not especially uplifting news, we’re sorry to report that people tend to get sadder and less confident as their romantic relationships progress.  And while such is the case for all people, it’s especially common for women and those who are married.

A recent report titled “Subjective well-being across partnerships,” published in the June 2021 issue of the Journal of Family Psychology, found that while people of all genders tend to get more depressed as their romantic relationships progress, women continually reported doing much worse than their male counterparts in terms of mental well-being — primarily those in heterosexual partnerships.

The report, conducted by Matthew D. Johnson of the University of Alberta and German colleagues Franz J. Neyer and Christine Finn, analysed levels of life satisfaction, depressive symptoms, and self-esteem in 554 German people in romantic relationships. They sought out to survey a diverse group of all ages, and couples in various stages of romantic relationships: Some were in their teens and casually dating, while others were older, established and married. The oldest participant was 41 years old, however, and just one percent were in same-sex relationships.

Johnson’s results didn’t point to many happily ever afters.

Per the study, simply being a woman “predicted worse initial subjective well-being,” as well as a larger decrease in their general well-being as their romantic relationships progressed. It also found an overall decrease in self-esteem and symptoms of depression running parallel to the relationship’s progression, much more-so than men in relationships had reported.

But, there is hope for feminism after all — the study found that everyone felt worse while coupled up.

Indeed, the first set of findings concluded that all halves of relationships felt worse about their lives and themselves after about a year in a relationship, regardless of whether they were a teen casually dating or married in their thirties. Per the findings, “subjective well-being worsened” for all genders, and people in partnerships consistently reported a a reduction in self-esteem while their depression symptoms increased. What fun.

Not all relationship-induced-depression is created, equal, however, as one other group who suffered more than the rest. The report also found that being “older” (though again, the oldest person surveyed was 41 years old) and married predicts over all worse well-being, as those who had tied the knot reported feeling much less satisfied with their lives than those who were still living together or only dating. Those living in holy matrimony also reported far more self esteem issues than their unmarried peers.

And yes, these symptoms remained consistently worse for married women than married men.

Our prayers are with all wedding planners at this time. And married women.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How To Know When To Walk Away From A Sexless Marriage

by Jessa Zimmerman, M.A.

One of the top issues that present in couples and sex therapy is a difference in levels of sexual desire. A discrepancy in desire is normal, but sometimes couples will struggle with conflict or avoidance around sex if they don’t manage that difference together. Sexless marriage, generally defined as having sex fewer than 10 times a year, is the extreme result of difficulty navigating sexual interest between two people.

A sexless marriage may be grounds for divorce for some people, depending on how important sex is to them and how much work has been put into solving the issue as a couple. Some couples rarely or never have sex, and both people are totally fine with that. There is no “normal” or “healthy” level of sexual desire or activity, so if it’s working for both people, there’s nothing to change or worry about. In a relationship where at least one person is unhappy with the lack of sex, there are many steps you can take to address undesired sexlessness within the marriage first before turning to divorce. As with so many other reasons to end a marriage, it’s worth trying to improve it first.

First and foremost, it’s important to consider the reasons for the lack of sex. If one person has become ill, disabled, or otherwise unable to be physically intimate, that’s very different from your partner being unwilling to engage with you sexually. Changes in sexual functioning can still allow physical intimacy, even if it doesn’t look like it used to. You may need to reevaluate your definition of what constitutes sex: If you only think about sex as being intercourse or penetrative sex, you are limiting the many types of sexual experiences you two could be enjoying together. Relatedly, the changes we face as we age and weather may mean we have to adjust our expectations. Those losses certainly should be grieved, but they can also be tolerated and supplemented with other satisfying sexual experiences.

You should also consider how the lack of sex in your marriage is related to other issues between you. When couples struggle to be kind to and supportive of one another, when their communication is dripping with criticism or contempt, or when they are gridlocked over other significant topics in their lives, it’s common to not want to have sex. If you’ve got other significant areas you have to address, do that work before you assess your sex life. Making changes to improve your overall relationship health usually has to happen before sexual intimacy can be created in a relationship.

Sexless marriage divorce rate.

There is no concrete statistic on how many people divorce because of a lack of sex in their marriage. A 2017 study of U.S. General Social Survey data from 2002 found 16% of married couples were in a sexless marriage (no sex in the past year). A 2018 survey that found over one in four relationships are sexless. We don’t know specifically what percentage of these couples were unhappy with the lack of sex, however. We also know that about 50% of marriages end in divorce. But so far, there is no study that ties these stats together.

Even if we did have a study showing how many couples got divorced due to a sexless marriage, we’d have a hard time knowing whether sex was really the issue—or just a symptom of other problems. I can say that lack of sex shows up in my therapy practice regularly, and couples often wonder whether their relationship can survive if that doesn’t change. Many people are certainly considering divorce.

When to walk away from a sexless marriage:

1. Your partner refuses to work through this issue with you.

There are so many obstacles to sex in a relationship, so there are many things you may need to talk about and change in order to create a sex life that you can both enjoy. Before considering divorce, you should bring up your concerns to your partner, have an earnest conversation about what’s in the way, and see how you can work as a team to address the issue. There is a lot you can do toward improving a sex life with your partner, but it does take both of you to step up to the table and address what needs to change.

Before you conclude that your partner isn’t willing to help, make sure that you have done everything you can on your side of the court. Bring up your concerns in a collaborative way, without blaming and shaming. You can support a partner with lower libido simply by being willing to explore how you are contributing to roadblocks for your partner. Have true curiosity about how sex could work better for them and what they need to access or cultivate their own desire for sex. Approach sex like it’s play rather than having specific goals and outcome that could set you both up for failure.

If you’ve been doing all of this, and your partner still refuses to talk about it and won’t be a collaborative teammate with you in creating physical intimacy in your relationship, it could be time to leave.

2. Your relationship issues are so big that there are other reasons to divorce.

Lack of sex in a relationship can be a symptom of other significant issues. In that case, it’s the other issues that really create grounds for divorce, if you can’t work through them.

For example, if the two of you have toxic communication cycles, including blame, shame, criticism, gaslighting, or abuse, that can nix your sex life—and bring your marriage to its end. Likewise, if you can’t get on the same page about money or parenting, you may not be able to save your marriage. If you have power struggles, infidelity, lying, or cruelty, your relationship may not survive. In all these examples, your issues go way deeper than the lack of sex in your marriage. If they aren’t addressed and changed, you may very well decide to leave your marriage.

3. Your sexual interests are so different that there are not ways to enjoy sex together, and you don’t agree to find another way to explore those interests.

Sometimes couples have what we call an “erotic conflict.” Each person has things that turn them on, a vision of the kind of sex they want to have and with whom. Sometimes, what we want is mutually exclusive with the desires of our partner. For example, if one person is kinky and that is a turnoff for their partner, they may struggle to find sex they can share and enjoy. Likewise, a person’s sexual orientation could get in the way—if they are not attracted to the gender of their partner.

In sex therapy, I am always trying to help couples find the overlap in their desires (think of a Venn diagram), but occasionally there is none. Some couples decide to address this by using fantasy and masturbation while staying married. Others decide to implement some type of open marriage in which they can meet their needs outside the relationship but remain married. But if those options aren’t desirable, you may decide to divorce over this lack of sexual compatibility.

Can a sexless marriage survive?

Yes. If you love your partner and you value your relationship, there are ways to address the lack of sex between the two of you as long as you’re both willing to work together. We are inundated with messages that sex should come naturally and that something must be very wrong with our relationship if we are having a hard time in the bedroom. But the truth is that it’s common, almost universal, to struggle with sex at some point over the course of a relationship. These difficulties present an opportunity to address issues, to talk to our partner with openness, and to recreate your relationship and sex life to suit you now.

Lack of sex is usually a symptom of other things. Sexual desire changes over time, and especially when it comes to sex in long-term relationships, having different levels of desire is normal. Things change in our lives in ways that make our sex life more difficult. All of these are normal and common experiences.

If you want to stay in your marriage and enjoy a sex life together, you can step into the work it takes to make that happen—and invite your partner to do the same. You’re not alone in these struggles, and your relationship doesn’t have to end—unless you truly face irreconcilable differences.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!