Are we having enough sex?
If you’ve ever wondered this to yourself while in a relationship, you certainly wouldn’t be alone. Oftentimes the question comes up when there’s a feeling of disconnection in the relationship—a lack of excitement or “spark” between you—and a lack of sex may float to mind as a potential explanation.
But other times, people might feel pretty satisfied and content in their relationships, but outside influences—like hearing other people talk about how much or how little sex they’re having in their relationships—can make you start to question your own.
So we asked Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., an AASECT-certified sex therapist and marriage counselor, what she tells couples wondering about the amount of sex they are or aren’t having.
How much sex is “enough” for a healthy relationship?
First things first: Enough for who?
Zimmerman recommends thinking about how you’re defining the word “enough.” Is it based on comparisons with other people’s sex lives and trying to see if you’re “normal”?
“There is no normal. There is no ‘right’ amount of sex,” she says.
There’s no one magic number that will work for every single pair of people, and how often couples should be having sex will always vary depending on the specific needs of the specific people involved. Some people feel perfectly satisfied with sex once every few months, whereas others would consider that basically a sexless relationship. And of course, some people like having a sexless relationship, whether because they’re on the asexual spectrum or just prefer it that way. It all depends on the individual, and all preferences are valid.
Sometimes people might feel like they’re not having enough sex because they’re comparing their relationship to how it’s been in the past, Zimmerman adds, but even a decline in frequency doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a problem. “It’s normal for our sexual interest to change over time and to feel less intense desire,” she explains. Sometimes you’re just in a period of time when you don’t feel like having sex, and that’s perfectly OK.
The real question, she notes, is whether each partner individually feels like they’re having a satisfying amount of sex—whatever that looks like to them personally. Do you feel satisfied with your sex life as it is right now? Does your partner?
A helpful check-in.
One issue with the question of “how much sex is enough sex” is that it places the focus on the wrong thing, according to Zimmerman.
“I mean, what counts as sex anyway? If you’re focused on ‘the act’ (whatever that is for you) and the frequency of such, then you’re focused on the wrong thing,” she says. “It’s not just about ‘getting it done’ or checking the box. The point of sex, from my point of view, is to share pleasure with your partner and to feel connected in the process, no matter what you do with your body parts and what the end result is.”
It’s less about whether you and your partner are engaging in a certain act a certain number of times. It’s about how connected the two of you feel and how much pleasure you’re getting to enjoy in your relationship.
So with that in mind, Zimmerman recommends asking yourself a more important question: Am I (and is my partner) having enough pleasure and connection?
“Consider whether you’d like more pleasure and whether you feel enough connection in your relationship. And ask your partner about whether they’d like more of those things,” she explains. “If so, prioritize that.”
That might mean having more sex more often, or any other number of ways to creatively bridge the gap. The point, as it always is when it comes to sex: Just focus on doing what actually makes you and your partner feel good.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
What No One Tells You About Sex After Breast Cancer
Treatment can rob women of their breasts, libidos, and self-confidence — here’s how they’re reclaiming their sex lives in the face of it all.
By Jessica Zucker
Carmen Risi, 40, knew there was a good chance she’d one day sit across from a doctor and hear that she had cancer. Her grandmother died from breast cancer, her mother and aunt were both diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and in 2019 she found out she was positive for the BRCA1 gene — an inherited variant that puts people at a much higher risk of developing certain cancers. As a result, Risi spent two years undergoing routine cancer monitoring — every six months, she’d receive an MRI or a mammogram.
In April of 2021, one such MRI found what Risi would later learn was breast cancer.
In addition to six grueling rounds of chemotherapy, Risi decided to take a hormone therapy shot, in order to preserve her fertility in the hopes of soon growing her family — she started IVF before treatment began and has plans for an embryo transfer once she’s done.
One major side effect of the drug? The loss of her sex life as she knew it.
“Lupron has put me into a temporary menopause — complete with hot flashes and a vagina that has completely atrophied,” Risi explains. She wasn’t exactly given a heads up, either. “I have pages of notes about the side effects these various drugs will have on me that I was handed by my doctor,” Risi says. “But there were no notes on how it would affect my sex life. None.”
Shari Goldfarb, M.D., an oncologist specializing in breast cancer at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, says many women simply don’t realize the sexual side effects that come along with various breast cancer treatments. That’s why she makes sure to discuss with her patients, upfront, the possibility of menopausal symptoms and sexual challenges, such as vaginal dryness and decreased libido. She also encourages her patients to be proactive by using non-hormonal moisturizers, lube, vaginal dilators, and vibrators to make them feel more comfortable about having penetrative sex when they’re ready.
But the emotional side effects can be just as jarring. The temporary menopause combined with the loss of libido thrust Risi into a deep depression that she says left her thinking, “‘What’s wrong with me?'”
Madeline Cooper, LCSW, a psychotherapist and certified sex therapist, says it’s common for cancer patients to experience depression — as well as other mental health struggles — as a result of receiving a cancer diagnosis. “The first thing I tell my clients is that it is normal to go through a grief and mourning period,” Cooper tells InStyle. Being slapped with a breast cancer diagnosis that, for some, is intimately wrapped up in one’s identity as a woman, can affect so many parts of her life: a change in her body, expression of sensuality, sexual desire, pleasure, body image, the list goes on. “You might need to adapt to a new sexual style with your partner, and this might feel like a loss.”
Of course, not everyone already has a committed romantic partner in their life when they receive their cancer diagnosis and undergo treatment. Chiara Riga was a single 27-year-old when she was told last year that she had stage 4, metastatic breast cancer. While her healthcare providers believe she has between 10 to 15 years to live, her diagnosis is terminal, which, needless to say, makes dating — and sex — particularly fraught.
“I’m casually using dating apps, but there are so many different layers to what makes it a struggle for me,” Riga tells InStyle. “There’s the first layer, which is zero libido. Kids are off the table for me, too — certainly biological kids, but there’s also the ethics of adopting a child knowing that my disease is terminal. Then there’s the issue of ‘when do you disclose?’ and ‘how do I disclose?’ I want to date in order to be able to escape this dark reality I’m living in.”
Part of Riga’s treatment, which she will undergo until the end of her life, suppresses her ovaries and estrogen, because her cancer is hormone-fed. This means she is in full-blown menopause, which has essentially eradicated her desire to have sex. And while Riga says she actually doesn’t miss it, the want and ability to have sex would make her dating life much simpler and a hell of a lot more fun. Breast cancer, in a sense, has eliminated frivolous sexual encounters, by shifting the focus from sexual pleasure to long-term support through partnership.
“Who in their late twenties or early thirties is looking for ‘just a partner’? I think [wanting to have sex] would make dating much easier for me,” she explains. “And I do think for the right person, the right relationship really, I’d try to figure something out. I just haven’t found the right person for that yet.”
Even for those who do have a long-term partner — and a libido — to navigate the process with, redefining what sex looks like after breast cancer takes effort. For Risi, that meant finding other ways to experience orgasm (ahem, clitoral stimulation) with her partner once penetrative sex became too painful during chemotherapy. And after her forthcoming double mastectomy, Risi knows she’ll have to contend with not just the loss of her breasts, but the sexual pleasure they bring her. “I don’t want to lose my breasts. I don’t want to lose feeling. My breasts [stimulate me sexually], so to lose that forever is incredibly daunting,” she says, despite knowing it’s the best decision based on her risk factors.
According to Cooper, this reaction is common. Cancer treatments can often be associated with many types of “loss” — be it loss of libido, breasts, hair, a sense of sexiness, comfort in one’s body, identity even — and that loss, even if some are temporary, can be overwhelming at best.
“Breasts and hair can [contribute to] a woman feeling sexy and confident about her body, and this might shift with the loss of either,” she explains. “These changes could cause one’s body image to become a source of feeling turned off rather than turning herself on, and this can reduce sexual desire overall.”
Learning to love her body and reconnect with her sexual desire is something that Mary Purdie, 38, was already contending with when she was hit with the whiplash of breast cancer in January of 2018. In fact, it was during a new morning ritual — looking at her naked body in the mirror — that she first noticed a lump in her breast. “I was trying to appreciate my body, even though it was causing me so much pain,” Purdie tells InStyle.
After she was diagnosed with stage 1A invasive ductal carcinoma, she underwent a lumpectomy, radiation, and multiple rounds of chemotherapy. She was also put on a long-term hormone-blocking treatment called tamoxifen — a daily oral medication she has to take for at least five years. And while she was able to keep her breasts, and therefore felt more physically “whole” — her libido went out the window.
“Our sex life was already kind of on shaky ground after the last miscarriage, because my body had gone through so much and most of the sex that we were having in the past year or two was strictly for the sake of conceiving and not really for pleasure in any sort of organic way — it was scheduled,” Purdie explains. “So going from that to cancer treatment, it was like, ‘Well, how do we even get back to the honeymoon phase?'”
For Purdie, it was by allowing her husband (of three and a half years at the time) to take care of her. “I was generally the person who was cooking and cleaning. I took care of our house. But that all changed when I was going through chemo — he did everything all of a sudden,” she says. “And those acts of service helped to build intimacy. I could just lay there and be miserable and I knew he was going to take care of me, and that was such a huge showing of his love.”
According to Dr. Goldfarb, experiencing this kind of non-sexual, emotional support from a partner tends to increase the amount of intimacy a patient feels during and after treatment — and can indirectly benefit their sex life too. “Assurances like ‘I love you unconditionally’ and ‘I’m in this with you — I am here to support you through this’ are really important, because patients often worry that a cancer diagnosis will [damage] their relationships,” Dr. Goldfarb adds. “I have seen relationships get closer in times of turmoil and illness when significant others are supportive.”
She says that in addition to simply being there — reminding her to take her medications, sitting with her through chemotherapy treatments, cooking, cleaning — her husband’s patience and attention to the little things also helped, not just in making her feel closer to him but making her feel more comfortable in her body and, eventually, being sexual. He deferred to her in bed — he let her take the lead.
“In the evenings it would often turn into a moment together that, even if it was brief, was a chance for us to be physically intimate,” she adds. “It felt good to tap into that sense of normalcy that we had before cancer and before miscarriages.”
Risi is also determined to maintain her sex life — no matter what changes to her body breast cancer may bring. She grew up in what she describes as a conservative Christian community where women were “taught to be modest” and that “sexuality wasn’t something you should even think about until you’re married.” Risi got married at 28, and says that, as a result, she spent years muting her own sexuality.
“I’m so mad that I lost a part of my sexuality to religion in my youth, and I’m losing sexual function and desire to cancer. It’s maddening,” she adds. “But I know my husband will still want to love and touch on whatever my new breasts are, even if I don’t have a specific feeling there. And I think I will enjoy that, because there’s intimacy there, even if there isn’t sensation.”
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Why don’t we talk about high female sex drives in relationships?
by Jasmine Wallis
It’s time for a role reversal.
The other week one of my friends jumped into my DMs.
“I keep having sex dreams because I’m so horny.”
She was venting to me, frustrated at her long-term male partner for not wanting sex as much as she did.
“It’s so annoying because I don’t want to force him or make him feel guilty.”
As a society, we often talk about the peer pressure that cis-women feel when it comes to heterosexual sex. Putting out as a teen before you’re ready so you don’t get dumped, the all too common complaints of “blue balls”. But what happens when the roles are reversed? Why do some women feel guilt, shame or even embarrassment over having a higher sex drive than their cisgender male partners?
I pose this question to Georgia Grace, a certified sex coach and your local big sister on the internet, G.Spot. “Shame is a feeling that a lot of people feel when it comes to sex and sexuality,” Georgia says.
The week I speak to Georgia, the sex educator has been (serendipitously) sharing content around shame. “A few common themes have emerged” she notes. “Religion informing people that sex should be between a man and a woman when they’re married, political ideas, limited sex education or the messages they’ve been sent around sex by social groups or sexual experiences. These ideas of shame are multi-faceted.”
Biological differences?
So basically, shame is conditioned. But what about my friend, why does she feel frustrated that her partner doesn’t have the same libido as her? Throughout my research on this topic, I began to realise (due to my woeful public school sex education) that I don’t even know if there is a biological difference between libidos in the sexes.
“No. There’s no biological difference,” Georgia explains. “It’s incredibly common, normal and human, for a person with a vulva to have a higher desire for sex than a cisgender man or a person with a penis.
“Using this idea that biologically, cis-women and cis-men have different desires for sex comes down to the fact that we confuse desire and arousal.”
Georgia says that, basically, desire is what we understand as wanting sex i.e. you’re horny. Arousal, however, is the physiological response that shows up in your body like an erect penis or lubricated vagina.
The difference is that for people with penises, this arousal can happen almost instantly or within a few minutes, but Georgia explains that people with vulvas can take between 20 to 40 minutes to be “fully physiologically aroused”.
This means there’s no difference in our drives but rather in the time it takes our bodies to respond to what’s going on in our environment.
Different strokes for different folks
In sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are (yes, the book that Maeve Wiley recommends to Aimee Gibbs in the latest season of Sex Education) she shares there are different types of desires that humans can feel.
One is spontaneous desire. This means that it just arrives out of the blue, it can happen instantly without much external stimulation. Emily notes that “75 per cent of men experience spontaneous desire compared to 15 per cent of women”.
The second type of desire is responsive sexual desire. This means the drive shows up in response to the outside environment i.e. seeing an image or video, looking at your partner on date night or being kissed. Emily found that five per cent of men and 30 per cent of women experience this responsive desire.
And finally, there’s contextual sexual desire. This is the reason why you may not feel turned on after a stressful day or a huge meal.
With humans feeling a range of desires that can change every day, there are many reasons why your libido may not always match up to your partner’s.
“A lot of people self diagnose themselves as having low or no desire. But they’re actually just experiencing responsive desire, and they’re not getting enough stimulus in order to bring sex front of mind,” Georgia says.
Being a sex coach, Georgia recommends that couples who are having issues in the bedroom seek professional help. It doesn’t mean anyone is ‘broken’ but it gives a safe space to learn more about communication around sex.
“I think we should be normalising that every single couple will have different levels or different experiences of desire,” says Georgia. “It’s pretty rare that you desire sex at the exact same time as your partner, but by learning about what you both need you can have a really fulfilling sex life.”
Moving past shame
From the movies where the wife constantly “has a headache” or the TV show where the girlfriend bribes the male character with sex for something in return, we’re sold the idea from a young age that men want sex more than women.
Georgia also notes that the patriarchy assumes that “women do not want and should not enjoy sex” and if they do then they’re slut-shamed. Couple this with the orgasm gap and we’re all as confused (and frustrated) as ever.
At the end of the day, these stereotypes we have around gender and sex don’t help anyone. Cisgender men may feel less ‘manly’ if they don’t desire sex at the same rate as their cisgender female partners while cisgender women may feel shame or ‘too much’ when they’re asking for sex more often.
The week we spoke, Georgia shared this quote from American professor Brené Brown on her Instagram feed: “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.”
By speaking about libido and desire with your partner, to your friends or with a therapist, we can continue to break down these outdated stereotypes, stop feeling shameful for something natural and have more fulfilling sex lives.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Talking About Sex, Intimacy, and MS
by BNS Staff
This is Daana Townsend’s story:
My name is Daana Townsend, and I was diagnosed with RRMS in March 2004. I was 23. My mother and aunt also have MS.
My treatment journey started with Avonex and continued with Tysabri, plasmapheresis, and Lemtrada, and finally Ocrevus (my current DMT or disease-modifying therapy).
After being in what I refer to as denial about the impact of MS on my life, I finally decided to open up about my experiences as a Black woman with MS (a narrative often missing in the community).
In 2018, a friend and fellow MSer, Dawn Morgan, and I started the Myelin & Melanin podcast. We’re two Black women sharing our musings about life, MS, and everything in between.
This brings me to a juicy topic: Sex and intimacy.
During season three, we produced two different series on intimacy. Intimacy is one of those topics that is often glossed over when it comes to MS; people (including medical providers) are often more concerned with issues pertaining to treating MS. Intimacy often gets pushed to the wayside.
This is problematic on many levels.
In our first series, we focused on “the basics.” We touched on the ideas of self-love, self-acceptance, communication, and honesty with partners.
We also talked with medical professionals in the MS community to address the importance of having frank conversations with your medical team about sex. We also talked with members of and influencers in the MS community about their experiences in navigating intimate relationships (romantic and platonic).
We took things a bit further in the second series. We focused on issues that are often left out of the intimacy, MS, and disability narratives like pleasure, sexual superpowers, guilt, shame, love languages, kink, and BDSM (variety of sexual practices that involve bondage, dominance, and submission/sadomasochism).
We welcomed a sex therapist, somatic sex educator, professional dominatrix (with MS), as well as members of the kink and MS communities to explore these nuanced issues with us.
We find that people with chronic illnesses and disabilities are seen as asexual and somehow not worthy of fulfilling sexual relationships. This is a problem, and we wanted to challenge the narrative. We did, and the conversation continues!
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
What Does It Really Mean To Be A Bottom?
By Gina Tonic
I remember a Tumblr post that changed my view of vaginas forever, as Tumblr posts are wont to do when you’re 16 years old and on the family computer late at night. The user was analysing the semantics of how we talk about sex. Why, they wanted to know, is sex always considered to be a penis penetrating a vagina? Why are penises always dominant but vaginas always submissive? What if we flip the narrative? What if the vagina envelops or engulfs the phallus? What if the penis is the submissive one of the pair?
This heteronormative example can be easily applied to queer relationships, too. The one who receives is the ‘bottom’, the one who gives is the ‘top’. The language lends itself to the stereotypes that the former is the submissive and the latter is the dominant. Indeed, the labels ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ are often used interchangeably with the labels ‘dom’ and ‘sub’ – but is this always true? And is it a fair assumption?
In 2018 an Autostraddle survey discovered that 47.4% of lesbian bottoms prefer not to be actively ‘in control’ during intercourse and only 41% of bottoms identified themselves as kinky.
Nate, a trans man who identifies as a switch, contributed to the survey with an important clarification: “Bottoming definitely doesn’t automatically mean anything kinky (same for topping), while submissive (and dominant) mean something more specifically related to kink and power play.”
I think what tops do – give rather than receive – can definitely be more submissive than bottoming.
Bethan, 26
Fran, 25, a submissive queer woman from London, believes this distinction is incredibly important not just for shagging purposes but also on a queer liberation front. “Top and bottom are umbrella terms for giving and receiving,” she tells me. “But I feel these terms stem from attempts of fitting WLW (women-loving-women) relationships into a heteronormative stereotype. I strongly oppose this so I prefer to call myself submissive instead of a bottom.”
Once again the stereotype is that receiving is a traditionally female act in heterosexual relationships and, in turn, being the ‘woman’ of the relationship is an inherently submissive role. This conflation stinks of sexism of a bygone era where woman is seen as lesser than man and so to receive is to be weaker, too.
Lucy Rowett, a UK clinical sexologist working with sexual wellness brand Pleasy Play, asks us to reconsider the act of bottoming and submissiveness in general as a rebellion against outdated gender roles. “Remember that if you are in a lesbian relationship or you are a queer woman, you are already defying gender roles and expectations. What if you could embrace being a bottom as another form of defiance against this and being true to yourself?” she enthuses.
“Regardless of sexuality or gender, of whether kink such as BDSM is involved, the more bottoms or submissives you speak to, you’ll find a commonality: they share a feeling of freedom,” she adds.
In short, she says, by embracing acts that only bring us pleasure, that bring us freedom, we can find a subversive kind of liberation and power in being a submissive or a bottom.
However it isn’t always true that a woman is the ‘receiver’ in a heteronormative relationship. It is possible for two cis straight or bisexual people to be in a relationship where the man prefers to receive and the woman prefers to give (see: pegging).
So what to do? The problem with dismissing these labels as ‘heterosexual’ reminds me of the 1970s lesbian feminists who rallied against ‘butch’ and ‘femme’ monickers, arguing that they mimicked straight relationship roles. That’s a discourse that remains controversial today but is an outdated way of looking at queerness. The identities of femme and butch remain important to our community, our history and our identities. Dismissing the labels ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ from queer language altogether feels, to me, like a repetition of these past mistakes.
“I think the act of giving is more submissive,” says 26-year-old Bethan, a submissive bisexual based in London. “What tops do – give, rather than receive – can definitely be more submissive… Like if a woman is sitting on your face and using you for her pleasure, that feels like a dominant act.”
Again, the language we use to describe our sexual gratification plays an important role. Does a bottom ‘receive’ or do they ‘take’? To push this idea further, the submissive in a kink relationship has the ultimate power over the sexual play taking place. They are the one setting boundaries, expressing what they want and having a safe word. When all is said and done, they are the decision-maker in the bedroom. The fun comes from pretending that they are not in charge at all.
@theayapapaya My humor lately has only consisted of pegging jokes I’m sorry #fyp #foryoupage #superbowlliv #couplegoals #groupchat #boyfriend♬ original sound – teresaatm_
You’ll find this idea in the pop culture that is developing around pegging, too. Pegging memes suggest that there are a lot more men who adore penetration than our limited secondary school sex education allowed us to imagine. Traditionally, there has been a lot of stigma surrounding pegging too. The same problem that lesbians describe with the ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ dynamic is repeated here: assuming that being penetrated equals submission implies that taking on the ‘female’ role is automatically a submissive act. This not only couches submissiveness as a negative but implies that being female is a negative, too. The reality is that submission and being a woman do not necessarily go hand in hand; otherwise, as Fran puts it, “you would never see female doms.”
@blaire_gamemy man’s says hi tiktok #LiftYourDream #18plus #pegtok♬ There is very little left of me – Larsen
Jessica*, a 28-year-old submissive woman from Manchester who also likes to don strap-ons, explains that pegging does not have to be a part of power play at all. “I have always been submissive in bed, to the point where being dominant makes me feel extremely uncomfortable,” she tells me. “That said, I really loved pegging my ex-boyfriend – who was also my dom – and it didn’t take away from my submissiveness at all.”
“As our relationship dynamic was already firmly set, it felt natural and even submissive in a certain sense to be the one giving him pleasure in such an intimate way,” she continues. “Although many people who want to be pegged may be submissive, I think it is important to recognise that it is possible to peg without giving up those subby feelings.”
Ness Cooper, a sexologist who works as a sex and relationship coach at The Sex Consultant, confirms that decisions about who tops, who bottoms, who doms and who subs can only be made by those within the relationship. “If you’re both into power play consensually then sure, use the terms ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ freely if you prefer them to ‘dom’ and ‘sub’,” she says.
Ness continues to highlight the importance of looking within your relationship and deciding what works for you. “Remember we are influenced greatly by what we see and read outside in the world when it comes to sexuality,” she continues, “but taking time to learn about yourself can be helpful as no one else knows fully about your world when it comes to how you see sexuality and sex.”
What’s more, the only people who need to know how you describe your sexuality and how you interact with sex are the ones you are being intimate with. A label is far from a cause to force yourself into participating in a dynamic you might not be enjoying or even comfortable with. As long as the sex you’re having is consensual and pleasurable, titles can mean whatever you want them to mean.
As Jessica and Ness lay out, the dynamic between a couple – be that top and bottom, dom and sub or any other kind of role you like to take on – is as unique as the relationship. Lumping labels together only diminishes the highly personal nature of each connection and can lead to invalidating those who don’t fit in with strict definitions of sex and kink roles.
*Name changed to protect identity Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Has your relationship lost its sexual spark?
Here’s how to bring it back and escape your dry spell
By Ellen Scott
Feel like your relationship is in a rut, sex-wise?
You’re certainly not alone.
When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, it’s natural for your sex life to go through ups and downs.
But when you’re in a low point, things can feel a bit dismal.
A recent survey from Burton Constable Holiday Park (don’t ask us why they’re doing this bit of research, we’re not sure either) found that 22% of respondents said their relationship spark had disappeared.
The number one cause given for this? A lack of physical affection. Perhaps PDA is worth giving a go… or just more physical intimacy at home, if you’re not keen on putting on a display.
Other reasons confessed for a lull included not going on enough dates with their partner, a shortage of communication, and not having enough one-on-one time.
Relationship expert Hayley Quinn suggested that to remedy this issue, couples should go on regular holidays together.*
*Okay, now we understand why a holiday park commissioned this research.
‘I don’t think many couples put the time and effort into reigniting romance, which isn’t a criticism; it’s difficult when you have to deal with life admin,’ says Hayley. ‘Spending time to create romance easily falls to the bottom of the pile.’
While a romantic getaway does sound nice, it’s not your only option for escaping a sexual dry spell.
We chatted with relationship expert and author Lucy Beresford for her wisdom.
Try not to take a dry spell personally
There are so, so many reasons why sex might not be happening as frequently as it used to. Don’t jump to conclusions.
Lucy tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Recognise that sex is complex and may be about stress or lack of confidence on the part of your partner, so less to do with you and how desirable you are.
‘Focus on adoring yourself and treating yourself with love and respect, so that you are not reliant on how your partner feels about you.’
Have an honest conversation
It’s tough when you feel like you’re the only one struggling with your relationship’s lack of sexual passion.
The first step to sorting this out is acknowledging that there’s an issue.
‘The right amount of sex is different for every couple, so start by having conversations about the current situation to find out how your partner feels and to state your own needs gently,’ Lucy says.
‘Make sure you have these conversations when you both have time to give each other space to state your needs and listen to each other, and keep the focus positive and with no judgement or blame.
‘Explore whether your partner feels the lack of sex is because of a non-sexual relationship issue. For example if they feel you’re distracted, not making time for them, or not supporting them emotionally, you both need to work together on that issue first.’
Ditch guilt, blame, and shame
Stop beating yourself up for not having an allnight sex session every other day.
‘Remember that we often make the mistake of believing everyone else – particularly people we see on social media – have the perfect relationship with tons of sex,’ says Lucy. ‘But in truth, many couples haven’t had sex in weeks, months, or even since the pandemic started.
‘Studies show that as many as 15% of couples are suffering from a sexless relationship. So have compassion for all that you and your partner have gone through this past 18 months, and recognise that you are doing the right thing to address this now.’
Check your language
Related to the above, make sure that when you’re chatting with your partner about your sex life, you’re not assigning blame.
Lucy advises: ‘Use ‘I’ phrases (“I have loved it when…”) rather than “you” phrases (‘you never/always…’). This can help avoid your partner feeling attacked or blamed.’
Come up with some action points
Sounds formal, we know, but make a concrete plan of how you’re going to bring back the sexual spark.
Lucy suggests: ‘Examples include making a promise to always kiss before one of you leaves the house or gets back home, or take an evening to just focus on gazing at each other, or stroke each other, to take the pressure of feeling like you have to have full-on penetrative sex.’
Take small steps to get more physical
When you’re going through a dry spell, just initiating sex can feel like an impossible hurdle – especially if you’ve always relied on your partner to get things started.
Get rid of the pressure by focusing on smaller acts of physical intimacy.
‘Skin-on-skin contact, whether it’s kissing, hand-holding, a massage, or stroking, has a hugely beneficial effect on strengthening the bond of affection, without ramping up the expectation that it has to be about sex,’ notes Lucy.
‘Baby steps as you both get back into the rhythm of sexual activity is more important than going straight for full-on intimacy.’
Check in with your own confidence levels
‘Focus on your own body confidence, which may have slipped during the lack of sex,’ Lucy tells us.
Make sure you’re feeling comfortable getting naked, and perhaps have some self-love time to get your self-image back to a healthy place.
Focus on fun
If you’re stressing out about having the ‘right’ amount of mindblowing sex, you’re on the wrong track.
Get rid of the pressure to orgasm – or to even have penetrative sex, if that feels a bit much for you right now.
Instead, challenge yourself and your partner to have some fun, get intimate, and see what feels good – no pressure, no rush.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
The Common Sexual Health Issue You Probably Didn’t Know About
By Ondine Jean-Baptiste
Have you ever headed back to your date’s place after a sultry night out, ready to have a good time — only to struggle getting there physically? The connection is there, but you just cannot get yourself aroused no matter how much you want to. You might be left feeling embarrassed at this momentary impotence, kicking yourself for potentially signaling to the other party that you just aren’t that into them when it couldn’t be further from the truth. The technical term for this feeling is arousal non-concordance, which is essentially the disconnect between the mental or emotional response and the body’s response to sexual stimuli. In addition to the aforementioned scenario, arousal non-concordance can also refer to the opposite effect — when the body is responding physically to sexual activity or touches (vaginal lubrication, for example) but the desire is not there or the mind is saying no.
Sexual wellness educator Catriona Lygate explains that while people often tend to use the words “desire” and “arousal” interchangeably, there is a marked difference between the two. By her definition, sexual arousal is a physical state of being, and something one can sometimes not have conscious control over. Desire on the other hand, is psychological. We can desire a second scoop of ice cream after dinner, less work hours, or the neighbor three doors down. This is a conscious want individuals do have control over.
Learning and understanding the desire-arousal distinction are crucial in troubleshooting any issues in communication. Culturally, many are socialized to believe that talking about sexual likes and dislikes is awkward, embarrassing, and unnecessary; that if sexual chemistry is present, the people involved will naturally know how to please each other. In practice, this is not always the case. Arousal actually involves a tricky combination of many contextual factors such as your mood, headspace, your emotions about the relationship with the other person(s), and distinct turn-ons that play on your senses like smell, taste, and touch.
Researcher and author Emily Nagoski popularized the term arousal non-concordance in 2015 when she first published Come As You Are; however this phenomenon has existed for as long as humans have been getting busy. To describe how sexual response works, in her book, Nagoski goes into the dual control model which involves a gas pedal and a brake. Any time your brain receives information that’s even slightly sex-related (like right now), it sends a signal varying in intensity to “hit the gas” and feel arousal. Simultaneously, your brain is also hitting the brakes based on all the external factors in the moment that may indicate it’s a bad idea to be turned on right now. She explains that being turned on relies on so much subjective messaging from our environment.
Many have been in situations where they might not be in the mood for any sexual activity, but a caress or knowing touch in the right spot can elicit an instant response from their body. You might not want to become intimate, but physical changes can be interpreted otherwise. After understanding arousal non-concordance (the disconnect between mind and body reactions), however, it is evident that bodily arousal is not always an indicator as to whether someone wants to initiate or continue sexual acts.
Nagoski actually digs into this further in a blogpost subsequent to her 2015 book, stating that genital response is, again, not primarily about desire or pleasure but sexual “relevance” (meaning presence of sexual stimuli). The stimulation that gets our bodies going in any given moment might be unwanted, but it has no true bearing on one’s sexual fantasies. If bodily arousal appears to be a false “green light” as previously mentioned, then arousal non-concordance is the yellow, signaling that it’s time to slow down and have a conversation. “It is crucial to know and remind yourself that you are not broken, damaged, or flawed if you experience arousal non-concordance,” shares psychologist and certified sex therapist Dr. Kate Balestrieri.
What if the roles are reversed and it’s your partner who is aroused but verbally communicates they do not want to proceed? Listen and respect their limits. Dr. Balestrieri says, “Make note of the context in which you experience non-concordance, so you can be more readily prepared to discuss with a partner, set boundaries that align with your mental and emotional desire, and remain convicted of your own truth about non-consensual experiences.” And if your partner is not aroused but verbally communicates they do want to proceed? Focus on their pleasure. Use this time to ask them what they desire and focus on their erogenous zones during foreplay.
For any instances of arousal non-concordance, the lesson here is to always communicate. If you are experiencing this issue in any form, confiding that information is important to establish understanding between you and your partner. It doesn’t have to ruin the vibe — this is the perfect opportunity to learn something new about each other by offering an alternative. Perhaps this moment helps you realize some sexual trauma ignored early on is resurfacing, and thus preventing you from feeling comfortable enough to take that next step of intimacy. “It can be helpful to work with a sex therapist or to seek assistance from an OB/GYN or urologist if you experience arousal non-concordance frequently, or if you feel distress as a result, especially if you have a history of trauma and feel confused by your body’s reaction,” Balestrieri recommends.
At a time where sex seems on everyone’s minds after months of isolation and anxiety, talking about arousal non-concordance may ease any apprehension one might have about sexual satisfaction and can create realistic expectations when meeting someone new. Remember that genital response does not always equal sexual desire, and you should be looking for clear, verbal consent before getting down to business. Any temporary awkwardness is better than misconstruing what your sexual partner wants at that moment, and communication is key to making your partner feel safe and comfortable. Context is crucial when getting in the right frame of mind to set the mood, so don’t be shy — ask what your partner wants! When both pleasure and desire are present for all parties, it’s a guaranteed great time.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Crushes & First (Same-Sex) Kisses
— Coming Out In My 30s Made Me Feel Like A Teen Again
A few years ago, my dentist tried to convince me to get Invisalign, along with a little bit of hardware as part of the full treatment. Braces? At 38? This was the final straw.
At this point, I had recently come out from a straight marriage and was dating women for the first time. In many ways, it was like being a teenager all over again: first (same-sex) kiss, first sexual experience, a desire to belong, feeling out of control at times, and a lot of angst and journaling. The thought of essentially getting braces suddenly made my experience of midlife adolescence far too literal. I recoiled at the thought of coming any closer to an actual teenaged-reality; I was having enough trouble as it was.
Although norms around sexuality and orientation have opened up dramatically in recent years, many women questioning or exploring their sexuality later in life find themselves in this awkward liminal space: an emotional coming-of-age without the support and understanding that comes with real adolescence.
I’m not sure that anyone would willingly revisit their awkward teenage years, but I’d like to make a case for adolescence at any age.
For me, it was like living a secret life: university professor and mother by day, baby queer on Tinder at night, having to curate my dating profile with the underlying fear of my own students seeing me on it. On my nights without my five-year-old daughter, I’d be out with my queer friends at the bar, drinking more and staying up later than most of my straight peers who were already in their deep sleep stage, and would not be hungover in the morning. On my nights with my daughter, I would physically be singing her to sleep while mentally daydreaming about my current crush.
My friends were confused by my sudden heartbreak and dating ups and downs — I’m a highly educated and intelligent woman, yet I was being thrown around by intense new experiences and drama I’d never navigated before. At times, I’d feel kind of small telling my “older” straight friends about it, as if my problems were petty compared to their “adult” concerns of mortgages and motherhood; yet, to me they felt so urgent and immediate.
And so did sex — this time around. In school, I remember my best friend hooking up repeatedly with her toxic ex. At the time, I never understood why she just couldn’t just stop having sex with him. It was so easy for me, much to the disappointment of my then-boyfriend. Not only had I not really cared about sex the first time around with men, but at times I tried to avoid it entirely.
As a baby queer, I’ve checked off a solid shortlist of bad dating decisions that love coaches warn you about, including a dramatic off-and-on rollercoaster relationship, and a long-distance relationship with a woman I’d only known for a few months. I’ve allowed myself to be love bombed and subsequently played, and tried to win the hearts of more emotionally unavailable women than I’d like to admit on paper. Sexual attraction sometimes completely suspended my logic. It also left me feeling shamefully inexperienced at times, regardless of how much natural instinct had finally kicked in.
All the firsts felt so huge and all the endings equally dramatic
Having all my inner wounds exposed through a series of less-than-ideal, yet somehow more authentic, queer relationships was hard. But the experience also helped me heal. Adolescence is a time when we take all of the “shoulds” and “should nots” that our family, school, and society have taught us, and test them.
As a blossoming people-pleaser, I mostly abided by them, internalising all the rules I was given. I wasn’t aware or courageous enough to discover and be my own self — the obstacles felt too great at the time. Maybe my midlife adolescence has been an attempt to capture this lost, queer version of my past, the closest I’ll ever get to a “do-over” and to getting a glimpse of an alternate version of my life.
Today, I’ve got a solid network of queers around me. I can share my dating stories and identity journey with them, but I’m still sort of the floater I was in high school — the one who seemingly gets along with the different cliques but is only truly close to a few people. Being older and a mother make me too odd-shaped to fit perfectly into queer groups that are largely younger and child-free. Still, I can now celebrate my ability to be comfortably alone after spending the majority of my life never really knowing myself; it’s nice to finally feel like home.
I can now celebrate my ability to be comfortably alone after spending the majority of my life never really knowing myself; it’s nice to finally feel like home.
I’m not sure that anyone would willingly revisit their awkward teenage years, but I’d like to make a case for adolescence at any age. Transitionary times like this naturally lend themselves to change and metamorphosis. They are opportunities to no longer hold yourself to the past and to let your former self suddenly be unrecognisable, to others and maybe most importantly, to yourself.
As British philosopher and writer Alan Watts famously said, “You’re under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago.” Looking back now, at age 41, it’s hard to believe that I was any of the previous versions of myself, and I feel ready to let go of this past full of strangers.
I see the humour in the messiness and awkwardness of my midlife adolescence, but I also see its power, because it’s when I too became someone new — just with the same old imperfect teeth.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
7 Signs a Monogamous Relationship Isn’t For You
According to a polyamorous sex therapist.
By Rachel Wright
Monogamy is all around us. It’s the relationship style we see every day in the media, pop culture, religion, and, generally, in our everyday lives.
Unfortunately, compulsory monogamy is also all around us. Compulsory monogamy culture assumes that everyone strives to be married (or partnered) to/with one person and finds complete fulfillment in that romantic endeavor. It’s the idea that this one romantic partner not only completes us, but also fulfills every need and desire we have. (And FYI, even if you do want one partner, it’s still impossible for that one person to meet all your needs).
Many people who are just beginning to navigate their sexual desires and romantic relationships are taught that monogamy is the only relationship structure available to them. As a polyamorous sex therapist, I believe when someone knows their options for relationship structures, they can decide what feels best for them.
Knowing that non-monogamy is an option does not mean that it will be for everyone — it simply allows people to decide what relationship structure and boundaries work for them while eliminating the shame some may feel when they have a hard time fitting into the monogamy mold.
It’s super important to note that practicing monogamy doesn’t put you on a higher moral ground than someone practicing ethical non-monogamy (ENM). And practicing ENM doesn’t put you on a higher moral ground than someone who is monogamous. Your relationship structure is just that. How you treat other humans determines what moral ground you’re on, not your relationship structure. Just trust that everyone is making the best, informed decision for what feels the best for their life.
So, let’s go over what exactly ethical non-monogamy is. Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term for all relationships where all partners are aware of the dynamic and consent to their partner(s) either dating or having sex outside of the relationship. Some of the ways folks can practice ethical non-monogamy are stranger sex, polyamory, random hookups, relationship anarchy, swinging, and friends with benefits.
Quite a few myths surround ethical non-monogamy, so let’s tackle the stigmas first before diving in!
Myth: Ethical non-monogamy is cheating.
Reality: Non-ethical non-monogamy is cheating. Cheating is the non-monogamy part without communication or consent. Anytime we aren’t being truthful to people who trust us is not ethical — ever.
Myth: Something is wrong or lacking in the “primary” relationship.
Reality: Practicing ENM brings folks closer together, presents many new challenges, and it’s not meant as a “hail mary” to save a relationship. Ideally, and in what I’ve seen in my practice, most folks who decide to try or practice ENM are fully happy together. In the same way that a single person ideally needs to be a complete human before entering into a relationship, a couple will have more success and have healthier relationships if they are solid and happy.
Myth: Ethical non-monogamy is an excuse not to commit.
Reality: Commitment doesn’t necessarily mean exclusivity to genitals, and everyone’s definition of commitment is different. Just like you can be committed to multiple friendships, you can be committed to multiple romantic relationships as well — and there’s nothing wrong with being single, whether you identify as monogamous or not!
Myth: Ethical non-monogamy is all about sex.
Reality: For some, yes, and that’s perfectly okay. For most, ENM is complicated because of our compulsive monogamous culture, and those complications are “too much” for “just sex.” It’s also a naive understanding of ENM, to begin with — we don’t assume monogamous people are only together for sex, so it’s silly to assume the same of ENM.
Myth: Ethical non-monogamy can’t work long term.
Reality: There are so many happy ENM individuals, couples, throuples, quads, and families living worldwide. Because of the compulsive monogamous culture we’re living in, we just don’t get to hear much about this!
Isn’t it interesting that it’s the societal norm to have one romantic partner, whereas it’s entirely “normal” for us to have many friends? We don’t ever ask, “won’t your other friends be jealous if you see that friend tonight?” Romantic relationships are relationships, just like friendships are relationships. Relationships are relationships are relationships are relationships are relationships are relationships. If you love your friend and your other friend, you know what it’s like to love two people and what it’s like to be in multiple relationships with varying levels of intimacy — sex or not!
Now that we’ve defined what ethical non-monogamy is and isn’t — let’s talk about the signs that monogamy may not be the best relationship design for you (and that you may be wired for ethical non-monogamy!) Please note that this list is not comprehensive. Also, every person is wired differently, so remember to take extra care and use compassion with yourself and others when thinking about this stuff.
Signs Monogamy Isn’t Right For You
You have a history of “serial monogamy.”
A serial monogamist feels most comfortable in committed relationships. They have a series of monogamous relationships and don’t typically take breaks between relationships to be single or to casually date. This is the closest thing to ENM there is while still practicing monogamy. Usually, when a serial monogamist ends a relationship to move to another one, it is because they want to try something new and have been told that means they need to end their existing relationship. So, they do — and the pattern forms.
You’ve cheated in your past relationships.
We talked about how cheating is “bad.” Still, often when someone cheats, it’s not because they are trying to be malicious — it’s often because they are missing something in their life, acting out, processing trauma, or trying to navigate a lifestyle that is expected of them.
For example, many people who cheat while married don’t wish to be divorced — but want a casual sex partner that isn’t their life partner that they do taxes with. This is an AND. Not everyone who cheats has intention — sometimes, they just do it without thinking. If you’ve cheated in past relationships, ask yourself about your motivation. Did you want out of the relationship? What were you looking for? Was something missing in your relationship, or was it truly an AND?
You don’t think there’s one person out there that can fulfill everything you desire, want, and need.
If you’re feeling this way, it’s likely felt super confusing at times when the world is screaming monogamy at us. And I want to remind you that it’s okay to try things out in our lives and see how they feel! You don’t have to label yourself as something to try it out — you can try it on for a bit and see if it feels natural and most you. The same goes for ENM relationships!
If this is something you have been desiring, by all means, start ethically dating multiple people and exploring this part of you. What’s interesting about toxic monogamy culture is that it doesn’t realize that we already have so many people in our lives meeting different needs for us — it’s not just our partner(s). If you want this but in a romantic capacity as well — go for it! It’s out there!
You have or have had the desire to have multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships at once.
I want to put this in perspective for you — sex and romance with different people are just that, different. I’ve heard people say, “but won’t you be worried your partner will leave you if they have better sex with someone else?” There’s a lot to break down here, but firstly — no, I’m not. If what’s keeping my partner with me is solely my genitals, we have much bigger problems. Relationship foundations aren’t just based on sex and romance, AND it’s quite natural to want this kind of intimacy with multiple people.
You’ve felt the desire to explore a relationship more freely than you’ve been able to.
Have you ever met someone and immediately felt chemistry of some sort? It’s that feeling of “wow, this person needs to be in my life, and I want to know them and do things with them” — even before knowing what those things are? Yeah. Same.
Usually, we meet people in a context — we’re set up on a romantic date, or we get introduced to someone for business — we’re told the role this person could and will play in our lives before we even interact with them. If you’ve ever felt the feeling or thought, “I wish I could see what was really here between us,” sexually or romantically, you may be wired for ethical non-monogamy.
Something is missing for you — even though you adore your current partner.
One of the myths monogamy teaches us is that it’s “wrong” or “bad” if our one partner doesn’t meet all of our needs. “Well, they must not be “the one” if we feel like something is missing for us,” we’ll think or say to ourselves.
Just because you want more of something or want an AND doesn’t have to correlate with how much you love your current partner. It’s just the reality — you want more. And that is absolutely 100%, a-okay.
You believe that communication is important, emotions are valuable, and it’s worth having hard conversations to live a life you’re fulfilled with.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Oh my goodness, okay, that’s me, I think I want to try ENM, but how do I even bring this up to my partner? Don’t worry; I’ve got you.
When approaching our partners about new desires, possibilities, or opportunities, it’s best to approach them with gentleness, curiosity, and empathy — always empathy.
It starts with AEO — acknowledge, explain, offer. Acknowledging to your partner that you understand where they are coming from helps let them know that you care about their feelings and emotions, too. Explaining and being honest about your feelings helps them see you — it also helps them know why the thing you are discussing is so important to you. Offering opportunities to your partner gives them autonomy to decide their boundaries, what they are comfortable with, and if they want to continue the current conversation.
Our partners, and any relationship for that matter, will be far more positively responsive if we approach them with an offer instead of an ultimatum.
Here are examples of how to use AEO in conversation:
A: “I know we’ve never really talked about monogamy before.”
A: “On our first date, we talked about threesomes, and since then, we haven’t really talked about monogamy.”
E: “I feel scared to talk about this concept with you.”
E: “I feel excited about the idea that we could ethically and honestly have multiple partners.”
O: “Can I share an article I found with you about this?”
O: “What I’d love to do is find a time to talk about ENM and an article I read; what do you think?”
Bottom line: Monogamy isn’t for everyone. Ethical non-monogamy isn’t for everyone.
We cannot possibly know what’s best for ourselves unless we understand what we’re choosing and that we actually have a choice. Whether you go forth and practice intentional monogamy or take a leap into mindful ENM, continue to be intentional and learn. There isn’t one right way to “do” relationships, and figuring out what aligns best for you (and your partner) is an integral part of the evolution of your relationship(s).
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
COVID Gave Me Germaphobia.
Now I’m Reclaiming My Sexuality
I can’t remember a time I wasn’t interested in sex. As a child, I felt a sort of morbid curiosity towards it and I recognised it as the ‘ultimate sin’. The thing that would get me a ticket straight to hell. As time passed, my curiosity shifted. I was no longer scared, just intrigued and excited.
As a queer Nigerian woman, I know firsthand the level of defiance it takes to explore sexuality. Not only because of the misogyny I have to deal with but also because finding opportunities and people to explore with is an entire battle. I revelled in my defiance though and sex soon became one of my favourite things to do. Rough sex, slow sex, edging, bondage – I tried it all.
Then the pandemic happened and like so many others I had to adjust to a different reality that involved nosy and demanding family members. It wasn’t one I liked or wanted. It made me feel like life was being sucked out of my vagina. I didn’t think it was going to be so bad. Yes, I couldn’t be with any of my sexual partners but I had my fingers and I did a good job taking care of myself. But I soon realised that masturbating wasn’t going to be entirely possible.
I am a bit of a perfectionist with my orgasms. There were a couple of details that I needed to get right if I hoped to get one. The most important was noise; I cannot orgasm if I can hear people talking. But with a family of five quarantining together, it was impossible to find personal time. I didn’t realise when I went a month without an orgasm. It was so unlike me but I brushed it off because by then I had a bigger problem.
My mother had started going back into the office because we needed the money and every time she came home, she spent almost 30 minutes disinfecting. Her paranoia was contagious and I couldn’t help but mirror her anxiety. I was helping her to wipe down our doorknobs, restocking the hand sanitiser and pinching my brother’s ears every time he tried to play with the neighbour’s kid.
In between all this, I simply did not have the energy to touch myself. This was made worse by the fact that despite my family’s best efforts, we caught COVID. The entire experience was demoralising. We had tried to do everything right yet here I was, faced with the possibility that these could be the last moments I spent with my high-risk parents. I doubled my efforts at cleaning. My attitude towards hygiene became obsessive, unnecessary and draining.
COVID-19 led to a massive change in everyone’s lifestyle and our active avoidance of germs throughout the pandemic, though necessary, has undoubtedly left many of us feeling even more anxious about germs and contamination. Among those who are predisposed to anxiety, there’s been a recorded increase in obsessions and associated compulsions.
My libido, which had been very active before the pandemic, had disintegrated and I was desperate to have it back. I wanted to feel like I had some control over this bizarre situation so I forced myself to masturbate. My first orgasm in four months was toe-curling and I had a huge smile on my face as I came down from my high.
It felt good, really good, so my tears came as a surprise to me. Why was I crying? This was something I wanted, something I’d been praying for. But this terrible voice in my head kept asking if I’d washed my hands before I began. I knew I had but the thought had been planted and I struggled to uproot it. The shortness of breath came and in my panicked state I imagined my vagina rotting because I didn’t care enough not to get germs in her. I calmed down a few minutes later but the panic attack really scared me so I decided that I wouldn’t touch myself for a while. Of course that decision didn’t make me feel better.
“When we rely on avoidance to reduce our anxiety, we do not give ourselves a chance to learn that we can tolerate our anxiety. We also continue to believe that the things we are avoiding are unsafe in some way,” says Alissa Jerud, licensed clinical psychologist and host of the Anxiety Savvy Podcast. “Our habit of avoiding gets stronger each time we avoid. Over time, we may find ourselves avoiding more and more, thus fuelling our anxiety in the long run and causing our worlds to continue to shrink.”
It’s been a year since I made that decision not to touch myself and I’ve gone on to have numerous orgasms since then. They’ve all been self-inflicted and not nearly as satisfying. Things are still not the way they were and I doubt they ever will be. I haven’t had sex in approximately six months and I haven’t had good sex for even longer. The last time I tried, I bawled in my partner’s bathroom for an hour nonstop because: What if his penis was dirty? It was irrational, partly because we’d had a bath together, but it was enough to put me off sex. There’s nothing like a panic attack and a terrified man to kill your libido.
I’ve realised that I shouldn’t have an identity crisis because I couldn’t have sex for a while. Why did I feel like I needed to jump back into having sex right after lockdown eased? The obsession with ‘going back to normal’ wasn’t healthy and I needed to address that. I felt like a child again, taking baby steps and trying to relearn intimacy.
My hypersexuality told me that I needed to be the wild, sexual person I was before the pandemic. But I don’t have to be her anymore. I can be the girl who doesn’t remember how to kiss people or touch herself. The girl who’s trying to figure out if she still likes the stuff she used to like. I can have fun rediscovering myself – and I have been.
Sexual chemistry used to be (and still is) such an important part of my attraction to a person but I’ve realised that there are other forms of intimacy and I am focused on building those first. It was easy to forget that I exist outside of the virus and that all the decisions I make don’t need to revolve around it. As long as I’m being safe, I can kiss people without feeling like I’m betraying myself.
It’s impossible to tell how this will play out for me in the future but Alissa says that fear of germs has the potential to negatively impact the mental health and wellbeing of our society. “The avoidance that this fear pulls for could easily lead to an unravelling of the social connections that we are wired to create. The more we – as a society – allow these fears to shape our post-pandemic lives, the wider their ripples will be.”
It’s a little bit hard finding my groove and going back to having sex but I’m having fun while I relearn it. I’m not the same person I was pre-pandemic, and that’s fine.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
The Real Scoop on Why Couples Stop Having Sex
The truth is, few couples come into therapy for the first meeting and tell me they are not having sex.
Yes, it happens, but generally they start out with something else. “We’ve drifted apart”, “We’re fighting too much” – or someone had an affair.
And when sex does come up (usually because I ask about it), people do not get to the root cause right away – they tell me what’s happening on the surface, because that’s what they see every day. Here are some of the recent explanations I’ve heard from my clients.
Why people say they are not having sex:
- We’re too busy with the kids/work and don’t have time
- We’ve lost the spark; I’m not attracted to her/him any more
- When we do have sex it goes well, but it’s awkward for either of us to initiate
- I’m waiting for him/her to initiate (because I’ve been rejected too many times) and he/she never does
- He’s obsessed with internet porn and has nothing left for me
- I’m just not that sexual a person, I’m not interested in sex
- It just feels like we are friends, our relationship doesn’t feel sexual
When couples stop having sex, in any of the scenarios above, there is always more to the story. My job, in part, is to help my clients see below the surface, to understand what’s causing these disturbances in the everyday reality of their relationship.
- Someone has pulled out of the relationship. One partner, usually over the course of a year or more, has withdrawn emotionally from the relationship – he or she has one foot (or two) out the door. When this happens, it becomes very difficult for the couple to make any progress on difficult issues (like sex), because the EXIT is never far away. And for some people, one foot leads to two feet, which leads in turn to an affair or other infidelity.
- Someone does not feel “safe” sexually. It may be that one partner has never felt safe in sexual situations – as a survivor of, or witness to, sexual abuse or violence, for example. Or perhaps they learned early on in life that other people’s needs must always come first – which makes it hard to be in touch with one’s own feelings and needs, and may lead to performance anxiety, or lack of arousal.
- Something happened or isn’t working. Loss of sexual connection can result from an unresolved incidents or issues (sexual or not) in the current relationship, which are causing distance to grow between the partners. This is the “elephant in the room” scenario – there’s a problem, but you haven’t found a way to talk about it.
- Drugs/alcohol. While it is true that the physiological impact alone of habitual drug or alcohol use can interfere with sexual functioning, it is usually accompanying factors – lifestyle, mood & anger regulation, conflict – that have the greatest impact on sexual relationships. This set of problems is often exacerbated by co-using and codependency factors, leading both partners to deny that there is a problem at all.
- Medication/physical difficulties. As a mentor of mine used to say about ADHD, this category of issues is both over- and under-diagnosed. Some people are too quick to blame their sexual problems on their partner’s difficulty maintaining an erection or getting lubricated; however, this kind of issue, in isolation, can be successfully managed in the context of a connected, loving, trusting relationship. More often than not, it is the insecurities that it gives rise to that need the attention. On the other hand, it can be helpful to remember that sometimes physical arousal difficulties are a side-effect of prescription medications, or they may point to a physical problem that requires medical attention (or may be addressed relatively easily with a “performance enhancer” like Viagra, Cialis or Levitra).
When these issues are not faced directly and talked about, partners can start isolating from one another. Feeling angry, sad, hurt, disappointed, embarrassed, guilty, shameful – and believing that you have to keep it to yourself, hide it from your nearest and dearest, perhaps even from everyone, is a dreadful burden to carry and can have a big impact on your sexual desire. It will eat away at your self esteem, destabilize your moods, cause you to isolate yourself, and undermine your relationship.
So what can we do right now to start having sex again?
- Schedule time for it. This may sound unromantic – “Let’s meet at 2pm for some sex” – but if you two have let some time pass without addressing this issue, the chances are that you will not automatically start finding the time to deal with it. And take the pressure off about what will happen during that time – at first, it’s not even about having sex, it’s about rediscovering intimacy, finding your way back to each other.
- Talk about what’s happening for you. You and your partner need to find a way to open up to each other about what’s holding you back when you might be having sex, or connecting intimately in other ways. And you each need to create the space for your partner to tell her or his story.
- Listen openly and compassionately to what your partner is saying. Let him or her know that you have heard and understood.
- Start slowly, focus on building safety. Save the simultaneous orgasms for later. Get to know each other, and reveal yourselves to one another at a pace you can maintain. And don’t turn away – try to stay with the difficulty of what’s happening, try to stay connected with your partner through it.
- Start telling the truth. Once you start to feel more comfortable entering into an intimate space with each other, start telling the truth – to yourself and your partner – about what turns you on, what you want, and what you don’t want.
Remember, this is not just about getting what you want, or giving it to your partner. It’s also about finding the sweet spot between you, where you both feel good about the giving and the getting.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Is there really a major gender mismatch when it comes to the best time to have sex?
By
What’s the best time of day to have sex?
Your answer might depend on your gender – and, if you’re in a heterosexual relationship, you may find it doesn’t match up with your partner’s.
That’s according to a survey that found that the peak time for women is 10pm, right before they go to bed, while men prefer to have sex first thing in the morning, at 7.30am.
As if we didn’t already have enough to contend with when it comes to mismatched sex drives, apparently we also have to navigate a 14-hour difference in the time we’d like to get intimate. Great stuff.
This claimed difference means that, according to the study, 64% of women and 38% of men say they sometimes have sex when they don’t really feel like it.
Jessica Leoni, sex and relationships expert at Illicit Encounters, who commissioned the survey of 2,000 people, said: ‘This new research shows that there are big differences in sex o’clock between the sexes.
‘Men are ready for sex before breakfast, whereas women most want passion last thing at night.
‘This creates big problems for some couples who get out of the habit of having sex regularly and drift apart.’
Jessica goes on to say that this could be the cause of affairs, but as a representative for an an extramarital dating site, she would suggest that.
Rather than throwing our hands up in the air at these findings and declaring ourselves doomed, it’s worth looking a little deeper.
For one thing, while the morning may have been chosen as the best time to have sex by the majority of men, that’s only by a tiny margin – 31% of men in the survey picked 6am, while 25% chose between 9pm and 12pm.
That means that women’s ‘peak’ time is men’s very close second choice.
And men’s ‘peak’ time comes in third preferred for women.
We’re not so different after all…
While it’s easy to simplify any differences in the optimal sex time to gender alone – men have morning wood, women like to get cosy before sleep, for example – it feels far more likely that the best time to have sex is very much down to the rest of our schedules.
Yes, perhaps men might tend to be aroused in the morning, but if they have an early start requiring a manic rush from shower to breakfast, that’s likely to take precedence.
Equally, perhaps those who chose 9pm to 12pm as the best time to get romantic did so not because of some kind of internal clock, but because this is the time all the day’s tasks are done and they can actually relax.
The answer, as with so many issues to do with sex and relationships, is likely adapting and comprimising.
The adapting bit will depend on your day-to-day lives. A previous survey by Superdrug found that the most popular times of the week for couples in the UK to have sex are Saturday and Sunday mornings and Friday and Saturday nights – because our schedules change up at the weekends and allow more free time.
It might be worth scheduling sex for times when you know both you and your partner can properly enjoy the moment.
Then, compromise. You might think that 6am on a Tuesday is the best time to have sex, but do you also fancy it at 9pm, which happens to be your other half’s preference?
You might have one ideal time to get some loving, but realistically, your sex drive is unlikely to have a strict time limit. Try out different times and do it when it works for you, rather than holding out for one ascribed ‘peak’.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
As menopause hit, my libido waned, my brain felt dull.
So I gave testosterone a try.
By Tara Ellison
As menopause hit, I found I wasn’t as interested in intimacy as I used to be. Sex started to feel like a box that needed to be checked a couple of times a week, and that was causing problems in my marriage.
But it wasn’t just sex. I felt was slowing down in many areas. After hot flashes in my 40s had sent me running to the gynecologist for help, I’d been using bioidentical creams to balance my declining hormones.
When, at 51, I confided to a friend that I’d had limited success with what my doctor prescribed, she said that she was thriving on something called hormonal “pellets.” I grilled her about them and then made an appointment with her practitioner, an internal medicine doctor.
He ordered extensive lab work, which showed that my testosterone levels were very low, which can happen with aging. The doctor said I had two options: do nothing, which he said would eventually likely lead to loss of muscle, decreased bone density and a host of other health complications. Or up my testosterone.
Testosterone therapy for women is a hotly debated subject. Studies suggest that testosterone can heighten libido in women with hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), at least in the short term. A recent statement by a group of international medical societies involved with women’s health endorsed the use of testosterone therapy in women for HSDD, and specifically excluded pellets and injectables as “not recommended.” It also cautioned there was not enough data to support the use of testosterone therapy for cognitive performance.
Women make between four to 10 times as much testosterone as estrogen, which the body can convert to estrogen. Despite its significance, no testosterone products designed for women are on the market and approved by the Food and Drug Administration. (Two non-testosterone, libido-focused drugs are available for premenopausal women.)
For men, the benefits of testosterone are well-documented — improved mood, sexual function and stronger bones — and more than 30 FDA-approved products are available, according to the agency. But long-term studies in women are lacking, including the effects on those who have a history of breast or uterine cancers and liver or cardiovascular disease. Although studies say testosterone is widely used in women, its use is considered off-label.
The pellets my doctor proposed are unregulated, and not recommended by the North American Menopause Society (NAMS) because of their high doses of testosterone and unpredictable absorption.
“There are a lot of misconceptions for the potential benefits of testosterone,” said Cynthia A. Stuenkel, clinical professor of medicine at the University of California at San Diego’s School of Medicine and past president of NAMS. “You’re going to lose fat mass. You’re going to gain muscle mass. You’re going to think more clearly. You’re going to reduce your risk of breast cancer. You’re going to improve your mood, and I think the global consensus pretty much dispels those proposed benefits.”
But I was desperate to feel better and at the time wasn’t deterred by some possible side effects, which included acne, facial hair growth and a lowered voice. And my friend was clearly convinced testosterone had helped her. The tiny dissolvable pellets, containing estrogen and testosterone, were inserted beneath the skin on my mid-buttock and would last between three to five months. If I developed any side effect, on the next re-up date we could adjust the dose or discontinue, my doctor said.
The insertion process took less than 10 minutes and about five days to kick in. I didn’t have to wait long to see improvement.
Within weeks, I was feeling good — my brain felt clearer — and my libido was in full swing again. It was hard to pass my husband in the kitchen without reaching over to touch him.
I can’t rule out a placebo effect of course, but having a jolt of testosterone seemed to make me more focused — I got things done. One morning in the magnifying mirror, however, I noticed a definite uptick in facial hair.< My husband liked the increased sexual activity and joked that he didn’t have to endure discussions about my feelings anymore since I had gotten more direct in my conversations with him. I also found I was more driven to work. Just generally, I felt more confident and it seemed like people responded to me differently because of that. And rather than being finely attuned to my spouse’s desires, I was pursuing my own. Was all this biochemical or, again, could it have been a placebo effect? “There are strong placebo effects for sexuality in research on aids for sexuality and research on testosterone,” she said. “Our culture has long painted women’s sexuality as a problem; when women have lower desire than men, the women’s desire is seen as too low or ‘hypoactive’ and, when their desire is higher than male partners, the women’s desire is seen as too high or ‘out of control.’ As a result, medical and other interventions for women’s sexuality, especially desire, are best viewed with a healthy skepticism: Are these interventions addressing a problem within the women or a problem created by gendered norms? Should the solution address women and their bodies or gendered prescriptions?” Women and the waxing and waning of sexual desire is a complex and tricky subject. But I was starting to wonder why there seemed to be fewer options available for women and less research about those options. Was the gender disparity slowing down progress for women’s sexual health? There seems to be an attitude of, “You’re past menopause, you’re not making babies anymore, what does it matter?” said Sharon J. Parish, a professor of medicine in clinical psychiatry and of clinical medicine at Weill Cornell Medical College. James Simon, clinical professor at George Washington University and a past-president of both the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health and NAMS, said “a lot more money” is available for research into men’s sexual health and “where there’s money, you have direct-to-consumer advertising. You have additional research and development. You have glitzy ads and promotions, et cetera., this is not a new subject for men or men’s sexual health.” Viagra, he said, which men can take for their sexual performance issues, just had its 23rd birthday. He added, “I think women’s sexual health has been largely neglected or put aside or denigrated or minimized because it took more time, was harder to measure, had less money and cachet involved, and it was easy for many in the medical community to do that, and women did not, and still to some degree, do not demand more, and that allows this to perpetuate.” Six months later, when I saw my gynecologist and said that I was using pellets, she looked alarmed and advised me to get off them as soon as possible. “They’re scary,” she told me and referred me to a recent article and study about worrisome side effects, among them mood swings, abnormal uterine bleeding and also greater likelihood of having to undergo hysterectomy when on the hormonal therapy.
Where you get into trouble is when women are given super high doses of testosterone.
“Keeping the total testosterone in the physiologic range, closer to where women were pre-menopause, without exceeding that level and giving excess testosterone, is the goal,” Parish said. “Pellets are extremely problematic; we don’t support those, because they result in what’s called super-physiologic ranges and can result in toxicity, and we don’t have safety data supporting that.”
Susan R. Davis, an endocrinologist and director of the Women’s Health Research Program in the School of Public Health and Preventive Medicine at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia, said instead of pellets women seeking help “would be better off using a testosterone gel or equivalent that’s approved for men and using a micro dose or a fraction of the dose. . . .
“You can do a blood test to make sure [a woman] is not going over the female limit,” she added. “You can vary the dose, and you can cut back the dose if she starts getting side effects” — unlike pellets, which stop working only after they’ve slowly disintegrated. Once a pellet has been inserted, it’s very hard to get it out if an issue develops.
“I think testosterone is important for women,” Davis said, “but we’ve got to be very cautious how we administer it and we need products approved for women. That’s what we need. It’s a bit like Goldilocks: there’s too much, too little, and just right, and if you use too much it’s bad. Higher doses are actually worse for sexual function. Women start to feel agitated, irritable, negative mood, so too much is bad. So, there is a ‘just right’ dose.”
Stuenkel, past president of NAMS, added: “If you’re going to do it, I think the transdermal preparations [patches that stick on the skin] make sense [since they] are FDA approved” — although for men’s dosing. “And so that’s not great, but I think in many ways it’s safer.”
Yet, for many women, dissatisfied with gels and the like, pellets can seem worth the risk — at least for a trial run.
In my case, I had gone from having no interest in sex to wanting lots of sex. But it hadn’t been the salve that I had imagined.
My relationship with my husband was undergoing a systems update. While I was feeling much better and my behavior reflected that, there were some things about the old operating system that my husband missed. Our relationship had always been a bit “old school” — my world revolved around keeping my man happy. I could take his emotional temperature at a glance. I tried to match his hectic pace, even when I knew I needed rest, and I had always been willing to put his needs before my own. But that wasn’t sustainable over the course of a marriage.
I wondered what if my lack of sexual interest before pellets wasn’t just physiological but reflected the result of needing something different from my relationship to fuel and sustain our intimacy?
Low testosterone didn’t create the problems in my relationship but it made us more aware of them. We had long standing dynamics that needed to shift and change. We needed to have some difficult conversations to help us develop a deeper connection. A more satisfying emotional intimacy that could then naturally lead to increased sexual desire.
Testosterone may make you feel like having sex again but I discovered it’s not a magic bullet to solve everything.
It has been two years and given the long-term safety concerns about the pellets, I’ve decided to give them up when the current batch melts away — but I’m not giving up testosterone entirely. I’m considering using a patch or gel next.
The absorption might not be as effective, but at least I’d have more control over the dosage.
It may not fix everything, but finding the right balance between estrogen and testosterone — one that feels right in both my body and my marriage — seems worth it.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
How to Spot a Love Addict
Experts question whether we can describe a toxic relationship the way we talk about gambling or alcohol. But some have found that framework to be a helpful step in the road to freedom.
By Kaila Yu
Tara Blair Ball, a relationship coach in Memphis, met her ex on Match.com. They instantly clicked.
“He felt like my soulmate. It was the little things; we both talked about the differences in the old Spider-Man movie with Tobey Maguire and the comic book. A lot of people didn’t know about these details, and it just felt like this bonding experience.”
On their first phone call, they talked for eight hours — so long that Ms. Ball came late to work and was fired from her job at Target. “I took that as a sign that I was supposed to be connected to him,” she said, laughing.
When the red flags started to appear, Ms. Ball brushed them aside. “He started acting jealous and wanted to know where I was, what I was doing, who I was talking to, how long I was going to be there and when I was going to be back.” Instead of seeing warning signs, Ms. Ball interpreted his actions as affection.
“We were quickly talking about marriage and moving in together. I felt like I couldn’t be away from him for very long — I’d be in withdrawal.”
If the situation seems to contain some of the track marks of an addiction, it’s because it does. And like many addicts, Ms. Ball took a long time to recognize and admit she was experiencing what some call “love addiction.”
The definition of love addiction is hard to pin down. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous calls it an extreme dependency on one person whereby “relationships or sexual activities have become increasingly destructive to career, family and sense of self-respect.” Helen Fisher, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and a leading expert in romantic love, said it’s any relationship that leads to “obsessive craving and intrusive thinking,” meaning impulsive or unwanted thoughts.
One meta-analysis looked at 83 studies and estimated that about 3 percent of the population has had a serious problem with love addiction over a given year. That number may be higher than 10 percent among young adults.
Looking at TikTok, where Ms. Ball began to share her experiences with love addiction, you might think the number of love addicts is even higher. The hashtag #ToxicRelationship on TikTok clocks in at 1.7 billion views, plus another 320 million more for related terms such as “love addiction,” “love addict,” and “codependency.” Whether telling their tales or reacting to others, people are finding healing and community on the short-form video sharing app by posting the signs of love addiction, with memes and tips.
Wherever you decide to share about your experiences, it’s helpful to be able to recognize when a dream romance strays into love addiction.
Is Love Addiction Even Real?
“Anybody who says it’s not an addiction, all I can tell you is that we’ve looked in the brain,” said Dr. Fisher.
Using functional magnetic resonance imaging, Dr. Fisher and her colleagues have studied romantic love and found increased activity in a brain region called the nucleus accumbens, “that becomes active when anything becomes an addiction — alcohol or nicotine or cocaine or heroin or amphetamines or any one of those things,” Dr. Fisher said.
But some in the scientific community don’t even accept love addiction as a diagnosis. “Love addiction is a contested concept,” said Brian D. Earp, a Ph.D. candidate and the associate director of the Yale-Hastings Program in Ethics and Health Policy at Yale University who has studied love addiction. He noted that some of the disagreement comes down to the definition of love itself.
“Some feminist philosophers argue that if a relationship is toxic or abusive it shouldn’t even be labeled as love,” Mr. Earp said, adding that some prefer the label “addiction to toxic relationship behaviors.”
To make matters even more complicated, experts also can’t agree on the definition of addiction. Mr. Earp said some neuroscientists believe that something labeled an addiction must be bad for you. Therefore, “if you rely on an activity that might be classified as unhealthy but it’s totally compatible with living a flourishing life, some experts would say there’s no reason to call this an addiction,” he said.
Healthy Love Versus Addictive Love
Whether or not you believe love addiction is real, thinking of a toxic relationship as an addiction can be useful to someone dealing with the repercussions of an unhealthy partnership. “The bottom line is this: an unhealthy relationship tends to involve a search for a dopamine rush” and involves power and control, said Steven Sussman, a professor of preventive medicine, psychology and social work at the University of Southern California.
Those experiencing love addiction “have the behavioral pattern of addiction,” said Dr. Fisher. She explained that this may manifest in mood swings from despair to euphoria and a willingness to put up with abuse. Additionally their personalities may shift when they’re addicted, leading to lifestyle changes or a tendency to distort reality.
Houston-based literacy specialist, Synthia Smith, said she succumbed to those feelings with her now ex-boyfriend. “The prospect of living my life without him was unbearable — I would be emotionally dead,” she remembered.
So great was this fear that she stayed in the relationship for two and a half years, despite a fast-growing litany of warning signs, such as the time she discovered his profile on the dating website Plenty of Fish. After confronting him, he claimed that he was there to network for his business and shamed her for bringing it up before exploding in rage.
Working Through a Toxic Relationship
Becoming involved with someone who compromises your mental health can be a scary and isolating experience. Whether you believe yourself to be a love addict, or just need help getting out of a bad situation, there are resources to consult and healthy actions you can take.
Find community
Katlynn Rowland, who owns a housecleaning business in Ocala, Florida, was involved with an emotionally abusive man when she first came across Ms. Smith’s TikToks about gaslighting. “It almost felt good when I first watched the videos because it felt like I was being validated,” Ms. Rowland said, “and that I wasn’t crazy.”
Ms. Smith’s videos gave Ms. Rowland the courage to leave her ex-boyfriend — and to post about it on TikTok. “I was scared to post at first because I knew he would go insane,” Ms. Rowland said. “But since Synthia said that she didn’t care what her ex thought anymore, I was able to let go of that fear.”
Mr. Earp said this is a common experience. “It can be comforting for people to make public sense of their experience, rather than just having it be a private phenomenon.”
Educate yourself
“It’s important to educate yourself about how love addiction works for you, to understand the layers and nuances of how it plays out in your life,” said Kerry Cohen, a therapist and the author of “Crazy for You: Breaking the Spell of Sex and Love Addiction.” This may include finding a support group, like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous or Love Addicts Anonymous, and speaking to a therapist or psychiatrist specializing in love addiction. It’s important to see a licensed professional and not to self-diagnose.
Practice healthy texting
Texting can be a potential minefield for love addicts, as there is often room for miscommunication, leading to anxiety and fear. Ms. Cohen said love addicts should refrain from talking about feelings via text with their partner, particularly negative emotions. “This will be good practice for you to regulate your feelings until you can talk in person,” she wrote, “and it may give you the pause you need to get a handle on how to respond without reacting.”
Stop keeping secrets
Many love addicts keep parts of themselves and their lives secret from their partner to provide what Ms. Cohen called an “artificial sense of autonomy” and a means to avoid conflict. Although having privacy is appropriate in a relationship, keeping secrets is not. Love addicts often “lie about their pasts, and try to be someone they think their lover wants them to be,” Ms. Cohen wrote in “Crazy for You.” She advised partners to share honestly with each other, especially about their struggles with sex or love addiction.
Consider no contact
After you have built a support team, you can decide if, when and how you should end a toxic relationship. With your therapist, consider what the “Cambridge Handbook of Substance and Behavioral Addictions” calls “a strict no-contact policy, avoiding any form of communication with the ex-partner that may trigger renewed feelings of craving and retard the healing process.”
Twelve-step programs often advise addicts to remove all reminders of the addiction, including all social media contact, photos, songs or memorabilia. “Somebody is camping in your head, you’ve got to get them out,” said Dr. Fisher.
Try a dating plan
It may be helpful to develop a dating plan with your sponsor or therapist, which can be a useful guide to finding a new, healthy relationship. Start by identifying one action that has brought about negative consequences in your past. Some love addicts may have sex too quickly with a partner and get too attached. In that case, it might be helpful to establish a rule to only have sex after entering a committed relationship.
“Nobody gets out of love alive,” said Dr. Fisher. “People live for love, pine for love, kill for love and they’ll die for a loved one. It’s one of the most powerful brain systems we’ve evolved.””
Whether you harness this energy for a positive or negative romantic experience is up to you.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Simple ways to look after your sexual health
By
There are not many things more important than our health.
Living through a pandemic has taught us that much. Our experiences over the last two years have given all of us a new appreciation for being healthy and looking after our wellbeing.
However, one area is still frequently neglected and rarely talked about – sexual health. The reason for this is, largely, due to stigma.
Talking about sexual health is still a taboo, and there is still work to be done to normalise the conversation about testing, symptoms, and encouraging partners to discuss these things with each other.
Bianca Dunne is co-founder of sexual wellness brand, iPlaySafe App. She has shared her key tips to help you look after your sexual health – and encourage openness around this awkward topic.
Prevent infection
‘Your sexual health has an enormous impact on your mental and physical health,’ says Bianca.
‘All three need to be aligned to make you feel good and keep you productive. Keeping you healthy relies on prevention, testing, and treatment.’
Prevention means making sure you are vaccinated against viral illnesses such as hepatitis B and strains of Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) that are linked to cervical cancer in women.
‘You should discuss both with your GP if you are in doubt as to whether you have had or are eligible for these,’ says Bianca.
‘It also means stratifying your risk and mitigating risk where you can: condoms and dental dams are an effective way of doing this, as barrier protection is the only contraceptive that also reduces the risk of STI transmission (apart from abstinence, which we do not recommend!).’
Get tested regularly
Bianca says testing and contact tracing are of paramount importance in the fight against STIs – language that we have become all too familiar with over the course of the pandemic.
‘You should be regularly tested if you are having sex with different partners, ideally at a suitable interval after each interaction,’ she says.
‘Asking a partner when they were last tested is something many people don’t like doing, because society has made us feel ashamed when it comes to sexual health.
‘While more needs to be done to help combat and normalise this, by providing people with the tools, like with our “play badge”, this makes it a lot more fun and easier.’
But Bianca adds that you should be aware that some infections – such as HIV – won’t show up on tests until up to three months following exposure, and so regular testing is key.
‘Depending on the sexual history of your partners, different infections should be tested for,’ she adds. ‘Sexual health testing kits are available and will test routinely for the big six: HIV, Hep B, Hep C, chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis, but it’s important to be mindful of other infections – such as genital herpes and genital warts – which are diagnosed clinically, so you should consult your GP or your local GUM clinic, for treatment and management of these conditions.’
Source the right treatment
The good news is that treatment for sexual health is getting better and better.
‘Infections such as chlamydia can lead to devastating consequences such as infertility for women but are readily treated with antibiotics,’ says Bianca.
‘Due to advances in anti-retrovirals HIV infected individuals with an undetectable viral load are now considered to carry zero risk of transmitting the virus.
‘With continued awareness and important education around sexual health, we’re hoping the conversation around STIs and testing is normalised.
‘These conversations don’t have to be awkward, but instead can be a positive and healthy start a new sexual relationship. Regular testing and being up front about your sexual health, and the need to know your partners will help reduce unwanted transmissions to keep you healthy in bed, and ultimately encourage us all to live healthier lives.’
Do your research
‘Thankfully, a lot has been done in the space of sexual wellness in recent years,’ says Bianca, adding that this conversation has been accelerated by the pandemic.
‘There are many brands that share similar missions to help normalise the topic,’ she says. ‘Brands, like HANX, Smile Makers, Mojo are providing products and solutions to help all sexes, and experts like Dr Kate Moyle and sexual education author Ruby Rare, also helping provide answers to questions people may have due to not having a proper education previously.
‘Arming yourselves with the tools to help you look after, and enjoy your sexual wellbeing, will be so important.’
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
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