Fear not: Sexuality doesn’t have to be black and white!
Q: Hi. I’m Sadie and I’m 15. Right now I’m really confused because I know that I’m romantically attracted to guys, but sexually attracted to girls. I just don’t know why I can’t like guys in the same way that I like girls, and I don’t even feel romantically attracted to girls. What does this mean?
A: Before we get to what all this means for your identity and relationships, let’s talk about what this stuff literally means, starting with the basics. “Sexual attraction” means feeling like you want to make out or engage in some level of sex with another person. “Romantic attraction” means feeling non-platonic emotional connection with or attachment to someone, but can also involve physical affection like cuddling. Romantic and sexual feelings don’t always go hand in hand.
As a culture, we fully accept this on an individual basis: Nobody would bat an eyelash if, say, one person loved hooking up with her classmate yet didn’t get enough romantic butterflies to actually date them. But as you’ve already noticed, this can happen with entire genders, too: One gender may inspire love, but not lust, and vice versa.
People can be homoromantic or heteroromantic, just like they can be homosexual or heterosexual. They can be sexually attracted to more than one gender (bisexual or pansexual) or romantically attracted to multiple genders (biromantic or panromantic). When people’s romantic and sexual attractions don’t match up gender-wise, it’s called romantic and sexual discordance. That sounds intimidating and long-winded, but it’s just a technical term you never have to use if you don’t want to. Discordance isn’t wildly uncommon; in a 2016 study of 414 adults, 10% of them reported having discordant sexual and romantic orientations.
“People can definitely be homosexual but heteroromantic” (which is what you describe in your letter) “although it is less common than being, say, bisexual and heteroromantic,” says Emily Lund, PhD, assistant professor of Counselor Education at the University of Alabama and one of the authors of the 2016 study. “People can also have different degrees of attraction to different genders and these can fluctuate over time.”
You describe feeling confused over your romantic and sexual attractions, and that’s perfectly fine. Lund says you shouldn’t feel like you have to commit to one identity now—or ever. “Sexual identity development is a process, especially for people who have a non-normative sexual or romantic orientation,” Lund says. “Many people go through several labels and identities to describe their sexual and/or romantic attractions before finding one that fits. And some people never find a label that quite fits.”
In other words, it’s totally OK to simply exist and date whoever strikes your romantic or sexual fancy, without an explanation. If you’re looking for models or support, it might help to seek out queer spaces for teens, particularly those that honor non-normative sexuality, like Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. (Their website has information about all kinds of identities on this spectrum.) As their founder, David Jay, told me a few months ago: A label is “not an inner truth, not a medical diagnosis. If it feels useful, use it. If it ever stops feeling useful, stop using it.”
Even if you do find an identity or term that feels right, keep in mind that at 15, your body and mind is raging with fluctuating hormones and information overload. “Fifteen-year-olds are often still developing in both their romantic and sexual attractions, so it may be that Sadie’s feelings and attractions will shift over time,” says Debby Herbenick, PhD, professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health. This is backed up by research: Psychologist Lisa M. Diamond studied 100 women over more than a decade, as they moved from adolescence into adulthood, and found that their sexual orientations often shifted according to their life stage. “This can happen with romantic feelings, too,” says Herbenick.
That’s not to discount your current attractions. After all, this may very well be who you are for the rest of your life, which is fine, too. What these experts are trying to say is that you should not feel pressure to label your sexuality yet, or ever. We as a society focus a lot on who and what people are — but our identities are ever-changing!
So let’s go back to your question: What does this mean? You may be worried about how you’ll be able to have both a sexual and romantic relationship with a single person. The comforting fact is that people work out all kinds of arrangements.
Perhaps you’ll gravitate towards open relationships or polyamory, feeling romantically close to one partner while sexually satisfied by another. Perhaps you’ll fall in love with someone whose gender you are not sexually attracted to, but still have sex with them gladly and generously. “People of all sexual orientations sometimes have sex not because they’re feeling strong desire, but because they want to help their partner feel good, and sometimes their partner does the same for them,” Herbenick says. You might also find someone whose gender matters little to you, who you’re both romantically and sexually attracted to. There are countless options.
The main thing to remember is that, no matter how your orientations develop, it’s possible to have a healthy, fulfilling romantic and sexual life. And again—I cannot stress this enough—figuring out your desires is going to be a conscious, active, lifelong process. It’s always a good idea “to explore and to check in every now and then and see how you’re feeling,” Herbenick says. “Whether you’re 15 or 55.”
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