Tag: Relationship Advice

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(Almost) Everything You Know About the Invention of the Vibrator Is Wrong

A Victorian doctor created the “vibratode,” but it was our great-great- grandmothers who saw its real potential.

By Hallie Lieberman

There’s a longstanding myth that still seems to hold about where vibrators first came from. It goes something like this:

Cut to Victorian England. A mutton-chopped, bow-tie-clad doctor stands in an operating theater, where the silhouette of a woman, legs in stirrups sits before him. He — serious, medical, scholarly — applies the vibrator to her genitals, bringing her to “hysterical paroxysm,” thereby curing her of her “hysteria.” (Perhaps he throws in some disparaging remarks about women’s suffrage, for good measure.)

The above scene, complete with suffrage references, actually appeared recently, in the animated series “Big Mouth.” But that’s only one recent instance. The 2011 film “Hysteria,” starring Maggie Gyllenhaal, centered its entire story around this myth about vibrators. “Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries” and “Full Frontal With Samantha Bee” repeated it. Sarah Ruhl’s 2009 Tony-nominated play “In The Next Room (or the Vibrator Play)” focused on it, as did the 2007 documentary “Passion and Power: The Technology of Orgasm.” Popular books from Wednesday Martin’s “Untrue” to Laura and Jennifer Berman’s “For Women Only: A Revolutionary Guide to Reclaiming Your Sex Life” have retold the story. It’s been cited in the academic literature dozens of times.

Every time I see this myth retold as truth, I sigh. I’m doubly frustrated because if anyone’s to blame, it’s me, not the writers of “Big Mouth” or “Hysteria.” I wrote a 384-page book on the history of sex toys, and I spent only a few pages debunking this story. I thought — naïvely it turns out — that I could focus on my own story and the myth would die. But it didn’t. So I co-wrote a scholarly article with Eric Schatzberg that debunked it again, step by step. When the Journal of Positive Sexuality published the article in August 2018, I declared victory. I shouldn’t have. The myth soldiers on. This is my attempt to kill it once and for all.

Why bother debunking this myth? Isn’t it harmless? Women getting orgasms at the doctor’s office: what’s not to like?

I like the story too. It’s sexy; it’s salacious; it’s doctor-patient porn in the form of serious scholarship that you can bring up at dinner parties. I myself believed it at first.

But the myth isn’t harmless. It’s a fantasy that contributes to the ways we still misunderstand female sexuality and that perpetuates harmful stereotypes that continue to resonate in our laws and attitudes.

Attempts to control women’s sexuality are based in part on the same beliefs that undergird the vibrator myth: that because women don’t understand their own sexuality they should not be the ones in control of it. It makes women seem ignorant, passive and easily duped by manipulative men. In other words, it perpetuates the myth that women lack sexual agency.

The myth can be traced to Rachel Maines’s 1999 book “Technology of Orgasm” (she wrote some earlier articles, but the book is what put this version of the vibrator’s history on the map). Published by Johns Hopkins University Press, “Technology” seemed like a well-researched scholarly book, with 465 citations and a plethora of primary sources, some in Greek and Latin; the problem is that none of them actually supported this story. (Ms. Maines has said she put forth her version as an “interesting hypothesis” and never intended it to be seen as established fact.) Nonetheless, the idea caught on and spread.

If you swap the genders you can recognize how much the widespread acceptance of this story is based on gender bias. Imagine arguing that at the turn of the 20th century, female nurses were giving hand jobs to male patients to treat them for psychological problems; that men didn’t realize anything sexual was going on; that because female nurses’ wrists got tired from all the hand jobs, they invented a device called a penis pump to help speed up the process. Then imagine claiming nobody thought any of this was sexual, because it was a century ago.

The idea that nurses were masturbating clueless men to orgasm as a mainstream medical therapy is obviously ridiculous. But why don’t we think the same story is absurd when it’s about women? In part it’s because women have historically been seen as ignorant about their own bodies, and female sexuality has been controlled and constrained by men throughout history. In contrast, men are viewed as knowledgeable about their bodies — at least knowledgeable enough to know when they’ve had an orgasm.

Yet Ms. Maines’s story was embraced not by sexist men but by feminist women. Why? The story has the benefit of being both sexy and reassuring. It portrays sexual knowledge as marching on a steady line of progress, from clueless Victorians to today’s sexual sophisticates. It also serves as a feminist fairy tale of sorts, in which women subvert patriarchal society by procuring orgasms from their doctors, paid for by their husbands.

Ms. Maines is right about one thing: the electric vibrator was invented by a physician, the British doctor Joseph Mortimer Granville. But when Dr. Granville invented the vibrator in the early 1880s, it was not meant to be used on women or to cure hysteria. In fact, he argued specifically that it shouldn’t be used on hysterical women; rather, Dr. Granville invented the vibrator as a medical device for men, to be used on a variety of body parts, mainly to treat pain, spinal disease and deafness. The only sexual uses he suggested were vibrating men’s perineums to treat impotence. Illustrations in Dr. Granville’s book on the invention of the electric vibrator show him using it only on men.

The true story is that the use of vibrators became widespread only when they were marketed to the general public, both men and women, as domestic and medical appliances in the early 1900s. Ads featuring men and women, babies and older people, promised vibrators could do everything from eliminating wrinkles to curing tuberculosis. When doctors did use vibrators on women, they assiduously avoided touching their clitorises. “The greatest objection to vibration thus applied is that in overly sensitive patients it is liable to cause sexual excitement,” the gynecologist James Craven Wood wrote in 1917. If, however, he continued, “the vibratode is kept well back from the clitoris, there is but little danger of causing such excitement.”

It was female consumers who embraced their erotic potential — covertly at first, until the early 1970s, when the radical feminist Betty Dodson began openly using vibrators as sexual devices in her masturbation workshops.

The myth of the vibrator has real consequences. The harmful idea that women are naturally sexually ignorant and that women who do have sexual knowledge and drives are outliers, has been the basis for repressive laws throughout history: from adultery laws that punished only women to honor killings to recent restrictions on birth control and abortion. All these laws and violence are about punishing women who have sex for pleasure, not procreation.

The myth also reinforces the false idea that the history of sex moves on a straight line from repression to enlightenment. This belief can make people complacent, believing that we have advanced beyond Victorian attitudes. Yet we still live in a sexually repressive era where double standards abound: Sex toy advertising is restricted by the M.T.A., Facebook, Instagram, and other venues, while ads for erectile dysfunction products are allowed. The Trump administration has decreased sex education funding, promoted abstinence-only education, and redirected funds for preventing teen pregnancy to anti-abortion groups.
It’s time to be honest about our past: doctors didn’t invent vibrators because their wrists hurt from rubbing hysterical women’s clitorises. They invented vibrators as cure-all devices; those devices ended up curing very little, until our great-great-grandmothers put them toward their highest purpose. The real story isn’t as salacious as the myth, but it does have one important thing going for it: it happens to be true.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What It’s Like to Date After Middle Age

Newly single older people are finding a dating landscape vastly different from the one they knew in their 20s and 30s.

By Faith Hill

When Rhonda Lynn Way was in her 50s and on the dating scene for the first time since she was 21, she had no idea where to start. Her marriage of 33 years had recently ended, and she didn’t know any single men her age in Longview, Texas, where she lives. She tried to use dating apps, but the experience felt bizarre and daunting. “You’re thrust out into this cyberworld after the refuge of being in a marriage that—even if it wasn’t wonderful—was the norm. And it’s so difficult,” she told me.

Way is now 63 and still single. She’s in good company: More than one-third of Baby Boomers aren’t currently married. Throughout their adult life, their generation has had higher rates of separation and divorce, and lower rates of marriage in the first place, than the generations that preceded them. And as people are living longer, the divorce rate for those 50 or older is rising. But that longer lifespan also means that older adults, more than ever before, have years ahead of them to spark new relationships. “Some people [in previous cohorts] might not have thought about repartnering,” notes Linda Waite, a sociologist at the University of Chicago. “But they weren’t going to live to 95.”

Getting back out there can be difficult, though. Wendy McNeil, a 64-year-old divorcée who works in fundraising, told me that she misses the old kind of dating, when she’d happen upon cute strangers in public places or get paired up by friends and colleagues. “I went on so many blind dates,” she said, reminiscing about her 20s and 30s. “So many wonderful dates.” She met her former husband when she went to brunch by herself and saw him reading a newspaper; she asked whether she could share it. Now her friends don’t seem to have anyone to recommend for her, and she senses that it’s no longer acceptable to approach strangers.

The only way she can seem to find a date is through an app, but even then, McNeil told me, dating online later in life, and as a black woman, has been terrible. “There aren’t that many black men in my age group that are available,” she explained. “And men who aren’t people of color are not that attracted to black women.” She recently stopped using one dating site for this reason. “They were sending me all white men,” she said.

Bill Gross, a program manager at SAGE—an organization for older LGBTQ adults—told me that the spaces that used to serve the gay community as meeting places for potential partners, such as gay bars, now don’t always feel welcoming to older adults. In fact, many gay bars have become something else entirely—more of a general social space, as younger gay people have turned to Grindr and other apps for hookups and dates.

Dating apps can be overwhelming for some older adults—or just exhausting. Al Rosen, a 67-year-old computer engineer living in Long Island, described sending out so many dating-app messages that he had to start keeping notecards with details about each person (likes concerts, enjoys going to wineries) so that he didn’t mix them up on phone calls. He and others I talked with were tired of the whole process—of putting themselves out there again and again, just to find that most people are not a match. (For what it’s worth, according to survey data, people of all ages seem to agree that online dating leaves a lot to be desired.)

But apps, for all their frustrations, can also be hugely helpful: They provide a way for seniors to meet fellow singles even when their peers are all coupled up. “Social circles used to be constrained to your partner’s circles, your work, your family, and maybe neighbors,” Sue Malta, a sociologist at the University of Melbourne who studies aging, told me. “And once you became widowed or divorced, your circles shrank. If someone in your circle was also widowed, you wouldn’t know whether they were interested in dating unless you asked.” Dating apps make it clear whether someone’s interested or not.

Even with that assistance, though, many older Baby Boomers aren’t going on many dates. A 2017 study led by Michael Rosenfeld, a social demographer at Stanford University, found that the percentage of single, straight women who met at least one new person for dating or sex in the previous 12 months was about 50 percent for women at age 20, 20 percent at age 40, and only 5 percent at age 65. (The date-finding rates were more consistent over time for the men surveyed.)

Indeed, the people I spoke with noted that finding someone with whom you’re compatible can be more difficult at their age. Over the years, they told me, they’ve become more “picky,” less willing—or less able—to bend themselves to fit with someone else, as if they’ve already hardened into their permanent selves. Their schedules, habits, and likes and dislikes have all been set for so long. “If you meet in your 20s, you mold yourselves and form together,” said Amy Alexander, a 54-year-old college-admissions coach. “At this age, there’s so much life stuff that’s happened, good and bad. It’s hard to meld with someone.”

Finding a good match can be particularly hard for straight older women, who outnumber their male counterparts. Women tend to live (and stay healthier) longer, and they also tend to wind up with older men; the older they get, the smaller and older their pool of potential partners grows. “About half of men will go on to repartner,” Susan Brown, a sociologist at Bowling Green State University, told me. “For women, it’s smaller—a quarter at best.” (And divorced men and women ages 50 or older, Brown said, are more likely than widows to form new relationships, while those who never married are the least likely to settle down with someone later on.)

One possible explanation for this gender disparity is that men rely more on their partners—not just when it comes to cooking and housework, but also for emotional and social support. Women are more likely to have their own friends to lean on, and they may not be eager to take care of another man. “For many women, it’s the first time in their life they’ve had independence—they might own a home or have a pension, or something they live off every week,” Malta told me. “They don’t want to share that.”

Still, healthy men are in high demand in assisted-living homes, Brown told me. And many of the older women I spoke with said that they were desperate to find someone active, screening dating profiles for mentions of physical activity and asking sly questions about family health conditions.

Health becomes a pressing dating concern once people enter their final stage of life. One 85-year-old woman I spoke with, who asked not to be identified in order to protect her privacy, has been dating an 89-year-old man for more than 10 years. His health is significantly worse than hers, and although she loves her partner and says she’ll stay with him, the relationship is getting harder. They don’t live together—a rule that’s been important for her, as someone who values her independence, loves to travel, and doesn’t want to slow a pace she knows he can’t keep up with. When she visits him in his retirement home a few times a week, she can sense that his health is declining. “We had wonderful conversations early on, but fewer now because he’s less engaged,” she told me. “It makes me sad to watch it happen.”

For reasons like this and others, a growing number of older people are “living apart together,” meaning they’re in a relationship but don’t share a home. It’s a setup that would have been less accepted in the past but represents today’s less rigid norms for older age. Without kids to take care of or jobs to juggle, older adults are forming the kinds of relationships that work for them.

Those relationships, whether casual or serious, typically involve sex. Some researchers have found evidence of a loss of libido in older age, especially among women, but other researchers I interviewed disputed that. Meredith Kazer, a professor of nursing at Fairfield University who’s studied sexuality among older people, told me that only if and when cognitive impairment makes true consent impossible should someone stop having sex. In fact, the annual “Singles in America” survey, commissioned by the dating site Match.com, has shown that people report having the best sex of their lives in their 60s—they’ve had decades to figure out what they like, and as Kazer pointed out, they often have more time on their hands.

Of course, there are physical challenges: Starting around age 50, erections are more difficult to sustain (and less hard), and take longer to regain after orgasm. Natural vaginal lubrication dries up, the pelvic floor becomes prone to spasms, and the cervix thins out and becomes irritable. Sex can be painful, or just embarrassing or frustrating. And many of the medical conditions that are common in older adults, such as diabetes or cardiovascular disease—or the medications used to treat them—get in the way as well, impacting libido, erectile function, or response to sexual stimulation.

But there are plenty of ways to get around those limitations, from Viagra to hormone-replacement therapies to lubricants. And more than that, an assumption that older people will be incapable of sex because of erectile dysfunction or vaginal dryness presumes a narrow definition of sex, limited to penetrative intercourse. “It becomes more about exploring each other’s bodies in other ways that they find more intimate,” Malta told me.

Karen, a 69-year-old in New York City who asked to be identified by only her first name to protect her privacy, told me that sex is great at her age. She finds that men are more aware of women’s desires; if they can’t sustain erections, they’re more thoughtful and creative, and they compensate—often with oral sex. “They’re very willing to do whatever it takes,” she said. Suki Hanfling, a sex therapist and a co-author of Sexuality in Midlife and Beyond, told me that she knows lots of elderly people having great sex; she mentioned one who had her first orgasm at the age of 83.

This is a sharp contrast to what many women now in old age experienced earlier in life. “For a lot of older women, it was sex in bed with the lights off, their nightshirt pulled up, and it was about men’s pleasure,” Malta told me. Moreover, she said, older adults are freer now to explore the fluidity of attraction and gender. Some who have identified as heterosexual their whole life are trying out same-sex relationships that they previously thought of as off-limits.

Older adults who are forming new relationships, and finding new possibilities within them, don’t have all the time in the world. That reality can cast a shadow, tingeing even the best moments with an edge of sadness, but it can also clarify the beauty in each other and the world. I heard this firsthand from many older daters; they were conscious of their limited time, sometimes painfully so, but those who had found new partners felt particularly grateful that they were able to do so later in life.

And those I spoke with who were single were often happily so. Al Rosen, the sexagenarian with the dating-app flash cards, told me he was—for the first time ever—really enjoying spending time alone. Laura Iacometta, a 68-year-old director of a theater company in New York City, told me that she’s disappointed by the scarcity of hookups in her older lesbian community, but that she’s “more self-actualized than I’ve ever been in my entire life.”

So although lots of unmarried older people aren’t going on many dates, they aren’t all dissatisfied. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist at the Kinsey Institute who helps conduct the “Singles in America” study, told me about two questions they asked respondents in the 2012 iteration of the survey: How likely are you to pursue a committed relationship with someone who offers everything you are looking for in a relationship but whom you don’t find sexually attractive? And what about someone with whom you’re not in love? They found that the single people least likely to compromise on attractiveness and feelings were those 60 and older. Fisher’s hypothesis is that older adults are less desperate to find partners than they may have been at a younger age—because they wanted someone to raise children with, or because they felt a societal pressure to partner up.

Rhonda Lynn Way, the woman from Texas, has decided to pull back from dating for a while. “I don’t think there’s one love of your life,” she told me. “I think there’s love.” And she’s sharing love in all kinds of ways—reaching out to people in her community who seem like they need it, reminding her kids that she adores them, hosting spaghetti dinners for her Unitarian Universalist congregation. I asked her whether she was happy being single. “You come into this world by yourself, but somewhere along the line we get this idea that you’re part of a half,” she said. “You are whole all to yourself.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Guide to Sex and Dating During Dry January

Here’s How Cutting Out Booze Can Actually Improve Your Dating Life

By Nick Levine

Even if you’re not partaking in Dry January, you probably know someone who is. Giving up alcohol for an entire month following the festive excess of December has become an increasingly common New Year health kick. In fact, one in five Americans said they were attempting the boozeless challenge in 2019 (but it’s untold who actually made it the full 31 days).

It’s not tricky to figure out exactly why Dry January has become so popular. Those abstaining from alcohol are more likely to save money, sleep better and enjoy an array of health and wellness benefits like improved skin and reduced blood pressure. If you’re a regular drinker, you’ll also give your liver a well-deserved break.

All that said, while Dry January may be admirable, it’s also highly challenging — especially if you’re aiming to stay active on the dating scene. “Dating during January can be overwhelming for people undertaking the Dry January challenge,” House of Ardent’s sex and relationships expert Lianne Young. “I mean, what do you drink when you’re out on a date if it’s not something to help relax your nerves?”

However, Young points out that while alcoholic drinks “might help with nerves,” they should never be allowed to become “a crutch or personality replacement.”

“It’s good to get to know someone sober because that way you get to know the real them, and that’s really what is important,” she adds.

With this in mind, here’s a guide to dating during Dry January that’ll hopefully remove any pre-meetup anxiety knowing alcohol won’t be in play.

1. It’s Completely Fine to Feel a Little Nervous

“Being nervous before a date is normal,” says Dru Jaeger, co-author of “How to Be a Mindful Drinker: Cut Down, Stop For a Bit, or Quit,” a guide to help moderate your drinking habits. “It’s tempting to try to cover up those nerves with a drink, but it’s a quick and dirty fix. It’s better to acknowledge your nerves and then focus on the other person.”

Jaeger says this approach has two clear benefits: It’ll distract you from feeling nervous, and “it will probably make your date feel really good that you’re paying them so much attention.”

2. Be Upfront About the Fact You’re Doing Dry January

If you’re used to going on dates that revolve around alcohol, you might feel self-conscious about telling your date that you won’t be drinking. After all, there’s a lingering stigma around being teetotal that might make you worry you’ll come off as boring without a beer in your hand. Whatever you do, don’t let this play on your mind.

“It might feel like a big deal for you, but [your not drinking] is just another fact about you for them,” notes Jaeger. “If they react badly, don’t stress about it. You wouldn’t want to date someone who doesn’t support your choices anyway.”

3. Expand Your Idea of What a Date Should Be

A somewhat obvious alternative to meeting for drinks? Convening for coffee instead. “Coffee dates are great if you’re looking to build a long-term relationship because they’re slower and more absorbing,” says Young.

However, Young concedes that coffee dates have a tendency to become a bit bland over time, suggesting to use your creative side when thinking about ways to get to know one another.

“Remember that dates don’t have to be hours long, and they don’t have to be in the evening,” states Jaeger, who recommends “a trip to a gallery or a walk in the park” as relaxing options, and rollerskating or rock climbing as more energetic ones. “But really, the options are as endless as your imagination.”

Once you get beyond the idea that dating has to involve drinking, you might find it becomes a more stimulating and rewarding process. Even if there’s no romantic spark between you and your date, you’ll still have shared an enriching life experience.

4. If You End Up at a Bar Anyway, Mocktails Can Be Your Friend

Classic cocktails without the booze have come a long way since your parents would treat you to a Shirley Temple on family holidays. Ask your bartender to rustle up something surprising and booze-free, and they’ll almost certainly oblige.

5. Remember the Positive Effects That Come With Sober Dating

“The main benefit of sober dating is that you’re going to remember your date,” says Jaeger. “Whether it goes brilliantly, terribly or most likely somewhere in between, you can be confident that you stayed in control, presented your best self and were really able to pay attention to the person you dated.”

You’re also more likely to know for sure whether you want to see that person again, which is crucial to dating efficiently and successfully.

And you’ve heard of a little thing called whiskey d*ck, right? Even the great William Shakespeare rather cutely referred to alcohol’s negative effect on our sexual endeavors as “brewer’s droop.” It’s worth remembering that another highlight of dating without alcohol during Dry January could be more adventurous and engaging sex (that you actually remember, too).

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Best and worst foods to eat before sex

What’s best for the bedroom may come from the kitchen. Food, like sex, is a sensory experience, so it’s no surprise that the two are intimately intertwined. To that end, here’s a list of some of the best—and some of the worst—foods to eat before getting busy.

By John Murphy

BEST

Watermelon

Watermelon naturally contains an amino acid called L-citrulline. In the body, L-citrulline is converted to L-arginine, which enhances nitric oxide-mediated vasodilation and endothelial function. This contributes to the hardness of erections, according to the authors of a study published in Urology.

In the study, men with mild erectile dysfunction (ED) taking L-citrulline also reported more episodes of intercourse per month vs those taking placebo and were “very satisfied” with the intervention. More research is needed to determine how much watermelon you’d have to eat to provide the desired effect, but researchers predict it could be an alternative for men who don’t want to take ED drugs like Viagra.

Fenugreek

Fenugreek is an herb that’s been used for centuries as a cooking spice in curry powders and spice mixtures in India and other parts of Asia. Fenugreek is also found in one-third of the top-selling sexual supplements created for men. Also known as “methi,” fenugreek is believed to improve hormonal regulation, with possible positive effects on male sexual health. In one study, researchers found that its use was associated with improved male sexual arousal and orgasm, with no adverse effects. (A spicy curry, though, may not be the most appetizing dish to eat before sex.)

Pistachios

Besides being high in unsaturated fatty acids and low in saturated fatty acids, pistachios are also great for the penis. In a study published in the International Journal of Impotence Research, a 3-week diet of 100 g of pistachios per day in 17 men was associated with improved erectile function scores. Another plus: Participants’ lipid parameters drastically improved following this diet.

Maca

Maca is a Peruvian plant that has long been used to treat infertility in men. In a low-power, double-blind, randomized, pilot study involving 10 men with selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI)-induced sexual dysfunction, maca 3.0 g/day significantly boosted libido. The authors noted that “maca root may alleviate SSRI-induced sexual dysfunction, and there may be a dose-related effect. Maca may also have a beneficial effect on libido.”

Carrots

Carrots and other fruits and vegetables that are high in carotenoids—such as squash, grapefruit, oranges, and apricots—have been linked to increased virility in men. Carotenoids are red, yellow, and orange pigments that act as antioxidants. In a cross-sectional study published in Fertility and Sterility, investigators assessed 189 men and found that increasing levels of carotenoid intake were correlated with increased sperm motility and, in the case of lycopene (a carotenoid that colors fruits and veggies red, like tomatoes), enhanced sperm morphology.

WORST

Alcohol

A glass of champagne or a shot of tequila can release one’s sexual inhibitions, but a booze-fest can lead to a snooze-fest between the sheets. As Shakespeare wrote, alcohol “provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.” Scientifically speaking, a low dose of alcohol can cause an acute increase in blood testosterone levels (sexual desire), but heavy alcohol consumption decreases blood testosterone (sexual performance). Furthermore, both women and men—despite their expectations—have reported that sex is more enjoyable without drinking alcohol than with it.

Beans

As the playground rhyme goes: “Beans, beans, they’re good for your heart / The more you eat, the more you fart / The more you fart, the better you feel / So eat those beans at every meal.” But your heart may not feel so amorous if you eat beans before being intimate. (Even the word “legume” is a turn-off.) While beans are nutritious, high in fiber, and rich in protein, they also contain oligosaccharides—indigestible sugars that the body can’t break down easily. The after-dinner results are often cramps and excessive gas—two things that certainly don’t add that special something to a romantic mood.

Onions

During a romantic dinner, don’t order the French onion soup. This is a no brainer, obviously. If you’re expecting some hanky-panky, don’t eat foods laden with onions. Not only will it affect your breath, but it could produce some skanky body odors, too.

Stinkiness aside, onions are good for boosting testosterone. Onions also promote nitric oxide production, which increases vascular dilation and improves blood flow to the nether regions. Fried onions were even considered a traditional aphrodisiac in India. Many in Western cultures, however, consider a person who smells like onions to be a turnoff. But if the smell floats your boat, then lucky you.

Tofu

A light meal may seem like a good idea before things get heavy in the bedroom, but eating too much tofu or other soybean foods can sabotage your sex drive. Soy contains high amounts of phytoestrogens, which can affect estrogen production. In women, high levels of soy can decrease estrogen and disrupt ovarian function, according to researchers of a study published in The Journal of Nutrition. In men, just a half serving of soy per day was enough to reduce sperm count by 40%, Harvard researchers found in a small study.

Microwave popcorn

If a night of “Netflix and chill” actually starts with Netflix instead of “chill,” then you might want to consider a different movie-time snack than microwave popcorn. Chemicals used in the inner lining of some microwave popcorn bags—including perfluoroalkyl acids such as perfluorooctane sulfonate (PFOS) and perfluorooctanoic acid (PFOA)—have been linked to a lower sex drive in men. These chemicals, also found in nonstick pots and pans, are known to significantly lower sperm counts as well, according to researchers. Although PFOA and PFOS are being phased out in US manufacturing, alternative compounds to replace them have raised similar concerns of toxicity.

Bottom line

When it comes down to getting down, there really are no “best” or “worst” foods for sex. Intimacy and stimulation usually depend more on what’s in your mind and heart than what’s in your stomach. So, let whatever works for you simply work for you. (But, really, do your partner a favor—skip the onions.)

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Examining The Cannabis Sexual Wellness Market

By Andrew Ward

Sexual wellness is a subject sweeping the globe that is expected to trend upwards in the years to come.

An April 2019 Arizton Advisory and Intelligence report on the global sexual wellness market projects it will rise to around $39 billion in value by 2024, with a CAGR of over 7%.

Little to no data on the cannabis sexual wellness market has been published at this time. Yet two once-taboo subjects have become more mainstream in recent years, with varying public acceptance.

Now, with consumers and a few lab studies suggesting efficacy exists, the market may be poised for significant growth.

Anecdotal evidence has long suggested there is a benefit to combining cannabis and sex.

Cannabis In The Bedroom

CBD use results in more intense orgasms as well as enhances a couple’s satisfaction in the bedroom, according to a survey conducted by Remedy Review. 

Daniel Saynt, the founder and “chief conspirator” of NSFW, a cannabis and kink community in New York City, discussed why cannabis may help sex.

“Cannabis is a social lubricant. Smoking the right strain is more effective than alcohol in making you feel comfortable in a sexual situation.”

Zachary Zane is a freelance writer who covers subjects including sex and cannabis.

Cannabis helps Zane to not “overthink” in the act, he said.

“Cannabis allows me to be more present in the moment and to really enjoy the experience.”

The Research On Cannabis And Sex 

In 2009 a research report concluded that endocannabinoid receptors are found throughout the human body, including sexual organs.

Dr. Sadie Allison, a sexologist, author and sexual wellness entrepreneur, recently expanded into the CBD space with the launch of GoLove CBD Sensual Lubricant.

The sexologist entered the market after research on the subject produced “very promising results,” she said. 

CBD has a beneficial effect on anxiety and pain perception as well as inflammation and increasing blood flow, Allison said.

Rachel Braun Scherl leads the female sexual health unit at biotech startup Manna Molecular Science in Massachusetts.

Scherl spoke directly to how she said CBD can benefit a woman’s sexual health.

“CBD is a clitoral and vaginal smooth muscle relaxant that, thus, facilitates clitoral engorgement and vaginal lubrication and ultimately orgasm.”

Alison Krongard, a co-founder of the recently launched Her Highness cannabis line, touched on the different applications cannabis has for men and women. Krongard, whos company produces CBD and THC sexual wellness products, said the rise in the number of products targeting females is a reflection of how much women love the plant.

And it’s healthier than many alternatives, she said. 

“A lot of women finish the day with a glass of wine and a Xanax.”

Cannabis Sexual Wellness For Men, Gender Neutral Consumers 

For men, NSFW’s Saynt said cannabis can desensitize the genitals due to its anti-inflammatory properties.

A potential area of benefit in Saynt’s view is cannabis suppositories, for those who enjoy anal stimulation.

“There is some demand, but there’s a lack of education and very little is being done to target the gay and bi community with these products,” he said.

GoLove’s Allison said she has seen an uptick in men purchasing sexual wellness and pleasure products over the past two decades, noting the expanding array of choices as a factor.

“Men are historically the largest buying segment of cannabis and cannabis-related products, [and] I have no doubt that the demand for male-focused cannabis sex products will grow in the same way as the adult products industry.”

Manna’s Scherl highlighted the importance of gender fluidity and gender neutral products.

“Today, we know so much more about the fluidity of gender, but as a society, we still have so much more to learn,” said Scherl. “It is no longer sufficient to have solutions focused on people who identify only as male or only female.”

On the other hand, Zane said many products like cannabis lubes can already be enjoyed by all genders.

“[Men and gender neutral people] don’t necessarily need specific products if it can work for all genders,” the writer said. “That said, if there are sexual issues and topics that specifically pertain to men and GNC folks that cannabis can help, let’s do it!”

Cannabis Sex Product Development

To ensure product quality and safety, companies often engage in years-long research.

Krongard said Her Highness worked for roughly three years on its product development.

“We went through a couple of different formulators before we found the team that really understood what we were doing.”

Saynt and NSFW are developing a strain of cannabis flower aimed at enhancing sexual wellness.

In collaboration with Cherry Kola Farms, the duo combined three separate strains known for their stimulating properties.

Club members have responded well to test runs, Saynt said.

“We’re hoping to create our own line of lubricant with this custom strain, as we feel the type of cannabis you use in your lube is important,” he said.

The Challenges Ahead 

While cannabis and sex are more widely accepted now, Krongard said it’s far from universal.

“I had one meeting with the guy who owns a dispensary who just could not wrap his head around talking to women about a pleasure oil.”

Others echoed a need for additional education and acceptance. They also believe a change could come through the marketplace. The interest and investment in the sectors will create a “sea change,” said Manna’s Scherl.

“We are already seeing consumers, buyers and patients voting for the products and solutions they want, and will pay for in dozens of categories related to both sex and cannabis.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Arguing With Your Partner Makes You So Damn Horny. Here’s Why.

Blame it on science. No, really.

By Morgan Mandriota

It’s a classic Hollywood plot: Couple starts an epic screaming match with each other, then mid-fight, one partner pushes the other up against the wall, they kiss oh-so passionately, and things escalate to hot, steamy makeup sex. (I mean, raise your hand if that scene from The Notebook still leaves you hot and bothered.)

The argument = over. Relationship = restored. The end.

You and I both know this actually happens IRL too. Whenever my ex and I would argue, I’d immediately want to tackle him—not in a physical fight kind of way but more in like an I-suddenly-need-to-jump-your-bones way. The makeup sex was always soooo good.

Why is this a thing? Is there a link between being angry and horny? Or are we all just kinky mother-effers? After speaking with psychotherapists, physiology experts, and sexperts, I’ve learned that there is def some science behind this madness. Here are seven solid reasons why some people get turned on after arguing with their partner:

1. Hormones

Hormones like testosterone, adrenaline, and cortisol (the stress hormone) all spike when we fight with someone, including our romantic partners. “When cortisol is released from stress, our bodies and minds may yearn for the closeness that sex provides,” explains certified sexologist Jenni Skyler, PhD.

The relief of orgasm and pleasure increases serotonin, dopamine, adrenaline, and oxytocin (the love hormone), explains sex and relationship therapist Andrew Aaron, LICSW. TL;DR: This means that while the hormones released during a fight can rile you up, the hormones released after a fight calm you down, make you feel satisfied, give you feelings of power, and increase your sense of safety—which, conveniently, all magically combine to make you want to bone. A true climax and resolution.

2. Evolution

Banging after an angry fight with your partner unlocks a deep and primal part of your psyche. “Sex after a fight not only provides relief, it also creates excitement. You go from being threatened to feeling triumphant in overcoming the threat by surviving,” says Aaron. Basically, you may feel like you’ve overcome something major, so your body celebrates by getting all excited (read: horny AF) as a result.

3. Anxiety and arousal

Arousal and anxiety are sister sensations that increase your heart rate, blood flow, and breathing. “The excitement from one of those emotions is likely to transfer to another,” explains sexologist Robert Thomas, cofounder of Sextopedia.

“When we’re under stress, such as the stress induced by an argument, our sympathetic nervous system is aroused,” says relationship and sex coach Michele Lisenbury Christensen. (Aka, this is why fights turn you on.) “This also sparks your fight or flight response, which fills you full of energy and makes you motivated to want to physically act in some way,” adds physiology expert Elesa Zehndorfer, PhD. What better way to satiate that need to get physical than with that hot person right in front of you who’s also pissing you off? Sounds like the most logical option, IMHO.

5. You’re into sadomasochism

Did you know that the word “passion” has a Latin origin that actually comes from “patior,” which means to suffer? So, like, “Hurts so good” is a saying for a reason. “There’s a close link between anger, passion, suffering, and connection,” says relationship coach Valarie Merced, founder of Precipice Magazine.

Fighting can stimulate sadomasochistic sexual fantasies (aka gaining sexual pleasure from inflicting or receiving pain), explains Gail Saltz, MD, a psychiatrist specializing in relationships and mental health. But, FWIW, just because you like makeup sex doesn’t mean you’re a hundred percent going to be into BDSM. Although, if you *are* already into it, you might be one of the ~lucky~ ones who get turned on from fighting. (Hi, guilty as charged. Now, handcuff me. JK, not JK.)

6. Makeup—aka “mad at you”—sex is awesome

Wanting to reestablish a connection and forgive your partner (or yourself) is a high-priority post-fight…which is exactly why you may turn to some “Fuck me like you hate me” sex to repair the bond. The evidence:

  • “I’m almost ashamed to admit it, but fucking after we fight is hot. Everything’s heightened and you’re breathing heavy. It’s you and this other hot-blooded person you’re presumably sexually attracted to. That makes me want my man. Like, he is MINE,” says Nicole, 33.
  • “We’re both desperately waiting for the fight to end because we’re still so physically and emotionally drawn to one another as we fight.” says Scarlett, 26.
  • “Who the hell doesn’t love makeup sex? It makes things more passionate and aggressive, which is always a plus,” agrees Kayla, 23. “It starts off with anger and rage but slowly transitions into love and passion and ends up being sweet.”

Clearly, we’re all IRL Sour Patch Kids.

7. It‘s a way to cope with trauma

Traumatic events that contained fighting or intense anger (during childhood or some point of your early years) can sometimes get connected to sexual feelings, says Dr. Saltz. Because of this, it could be that you’re horny whenever you fight with your partner.

“Psychologically, when couples fight, they often instigate a trigger or very scared part of their younger memory system,” explains Skyler. Fear creates a sense of abandonment, inadequacy, or both, so sex can sometimes alleviate that fear by increasing intimacy and reestablishing feelings of safety.

If this is the case for you, you may want to seek therapy to unlearn this type of conditioning and coping mechanism. “Better understanding this part of you will help you to find methods to get that sex-fueled romp that’s less destructive to your relationship than purposely picking fights,” Dr. Saltz says.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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21 Things Scientists Discovered About Sex In 2019

By Kelly Gonsalves

Given that sex has existed as long as the human race has, you’d think our scientists, doctors, and psychologists would have collectively figured out all there is to know about sex by now. But the truth is, there are still many, many aspects of human sexuality that are a big, unexplored, confusing question mark. The good news is, 2019 has been quite the year in the world of sex research. Here are a few of the most fascinating findings we’ve made this year: 

1. Women are still struggling to talk about what they want in bed.

In 2019, more than half of American women were still struggling to talk about what they want sexually. A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found 55% of women in the U.S. reported experiencing situations in which they had wanted to communicate with a partner about how they wanted to be touched and what sexually turned them on but decided not to say anything. About one in five women didn’t feel comfortable talking about her sexual desires at all, and one in 10 had never experienced sex in which she felt like her partner valued her sexual pleasure.

2. Just saying the word “clitoris” out loud is linked to better sex for women.

Yes, it really matters that much. As we’ve known for a while, the clitoris is the key to sexual pleasure for people who have them—but mainstream narratives and norms around sex prioritize P-in-V penetration as the main act of sex, despite the fact that the majority of clit owners can’t get off from that alone. Further proving how important the clit is, the same study cited above found that just being comfortable using the word “clitoris” is associated with greater sexual satisfaction and being less likely to fake orgasms. The researchers said their findings indicate why it’s so important for us as a society and as individuals to start talking openly about our sex lives. When you’re comfortable talking about sex—including the specific body parts where you like to get touched—you’re way more likely to convey that to your partners and then get the type of stimulation that actually feels good for you. 

3. Not all orgasms are good.

Orgasms are not the definitive marker of good sex, as it turns out. In another study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers found 55% of people had experienced a “bad orgasm,” including orgasms that physically hurt, orgasms that didn’t feel as pleasurable as past orgasms, or orgasms that happened in sexually coercive contexts, such that having the orgasm led to intense psychological turmoil.

4. People in relationships really are having less sex.

Experts have been talking about a so-called sex recession for the last year or so, in which several different data reports have been showing people are having less sex these days than in generations prior. One multiyear study published in the BMJ this year found the majority of the dip is happening among married people and cohabiting couples. Some of their key findings: In 2001, 38% of women and 30% of men in serious relationships had no sex in the past month. In 2012, that number jumped to 51% for women and 66% for men in serious relationships. What’s more, even sexually active couples were having less sex than usual: In 2012, just 48% of women and 50% of men in serious relationships reported having sex at least four times in the last month, meaning about half of couples are having sex less than once a week.

5. But millennials don’t think they’re in a sex recession.

Cosmopolitan conducted a nationally representative survey on over 1,000 people. Their findings showed 71% of millennials feel “personally satisfied” with how much sex they’re having, and 62% of millennials think their friends are having “plenty of sex” too. So maybe it’s all relative?

6. Commitment and better sex are linked.

Researchers surveyed hundreds of couples in several weeks of couples’ therapy to ask about their commitment levels and sex lives each week. Published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, their study found commitment and good sex were definitely linked: Having good sex one week was associated with couples feeling more committed to each other the following week. The reverse was also true. Feeling more committed to each other one week was associated with the couple having better sex the following week. The two seem to feed off each other.

7. People who love casual sex are more committed to their relationships when those relationships are consensually non-monogamous.

If you think people who love casual sex are inherently less committed in their relationships, think again. A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that, in consensually non-monogamous relationships, enjoying casual sex (i.e., “sociosexuality”) was associated with being more committed to your relationship.

8. Childhood trauma is associated with less sexual satisfaction in adulthood.

People with more traumatic experiences in childhood tend to have less satisfying sex lives in adulthood, according to a study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. Why? Experiencing trauma as a kid is associated with experiencing more daily psychological distress and with being less mindful, two qualities that may affect one’s ability to engage and feel pleasure during sex.

9. More than half of seniors are unhappy with their sex lives.

You know what you hear about people having less sex as they get older? That might be true, but it might not be because seniors want less sex. A study published in the journal PLOS ONE found 58% of men and women between ages 55 and 74 are not satisfied with their sex lives. In another study published in the journal Menopause, 78% of the more than 4,000 postmenopausal women surveyed were sexually inactive. Of these sexually inactive women, the top reasons for not having sex were not having a partner to have sex with, having a partner with a medical condition making sex out of the question, and having a partner dealing with sexual dysfunction.

10. These three key factors reliably turn women on.

A study of 662 straight women identified three factors that made women more likely to experience sexual desire for someone: intimacy (i.e., feelings of closeness and deep affection), celebrated otherness (i.e., seeing yourself as a separate entity from your partner instead of seeing yourselves together as a single unit), and object-of-desire affirmation (i.e., being told you are desirable).

This is an oft-repeated myth, but findings published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences have officially disproved the idea that men are “more visual” than women are when it comes to sex. The researchers reanalyzed over 60 studies, each of which had hooked up men and women to fMRI machines while showing them porn to try to see how their brains reacted. Gender was the least predictive factor in determining how activated a person’s brain was while viewing the erotic material.

12. One in four women experienced pain during their most recent sexual experience.

In a study of over 2,000 women published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, researchers found nearly a quarter of women had experienced pain the last time they’d had sex. Of those who’d experienced pain, 49% didn’t tell their partner about it. Those who’d experienced little to no pleasure during the sexual experience were also three times more likely to not tell their partner about the pain.

13. Vaginal dryness and atrophy begin in perimenopause.

During and after menopause, hormonal shifts tend to cause the vaginal walls to become thinner and lubricate less. Known as vaginal atrophy, these changes tend to cause vaginal dryness, which predictably leads to more difficulties having sex. (Nothing that a little lube can’t fix, of course.) However, a new study published in the journal Menopause has found that these symptoms of vaginal atrophy, vaginal dryness, and the sexual pain that comes with them may actually begin in perimenopause—the period of time right before menopause hits, around ages 40 to 55.

14. Better sex ed improves LGBTQ kids’ mental health.

Sex ed is important for supporting people’s sexual health and helping people navigate sex safely. But it also has important mental health benefits for people in the LGBTQ community, according to new research in the American Journal of Sexuality Education. The study found kids who received sex ed that was inclusive of people with diverse genders and sexual orientations tended to have less anxiety, less depression, and fewer suicidal tendencies.

15. Open-minded people are more likely to cheat.

A study published in the Personality and Individual Differences journal found the personality trait most associated with cheating was open-mindedness. In other words, people who are more open to new experiences and people tend to be more likely to cheat as well. Seems obvious, but open-mindedness is also correlated with being more welcoming, more creative, more sexually liberated, and more extroverted. So…uh-oh?

16. There are at least some psychological components to why some people struggle with their sex drive.

Researchers interviewed about 100 couples where one partner struggles with sexual desire and about 100 couples with no such struggles. Published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, the study identified a few common traits among the partners who struggled with desire: They were more likely to pursue sex simply to avoid negative consequences (like a disappointed partner) and less likely to pursue sex to experience positive outcomes (like orgasms and connection). The findings also suggested they may “have difficulties recognizing and responding to their partners’ sexual needs due to having fewer sexual needs themselves.”

You can’t make this stuff up! A study published in the journal Sex Education found female students who had taken a sexuality class that discussed the orgasm gap tended to have more orgasms and better orgasms after they took the class than before.

18. Parents have better sex when they like each other.

Yes, researchers talked to 93 couples and found those who complimented each other more and had higher opinions of each other tended to have higher levels of sexual satisfaction in the relationship. It might seem obvious, but many long-term couples (especially parents) will readily admit that just because they’re married and in love does not mean that they always like each other. That means couples should never dismiss the importance of making sure actual feelings of affection and positivity still live on in their relationship.

19. Postcoital dysphoria affects men too.

Postcoital dysphoria refers to inexplicable feelings of sadness, frustration, or distress after having otherwise pleasurable sex. Some people assume that women are more likely to be emotional after having sex, but a study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found 41% of men have experienced PCD, and 20% experienced it in the last four weeks.

20. How you feel about your genitalia affects your sex life.

Feeling self-conscious about your vulva or penis might actually affect how much pleasure you’re experiencing during sex. A study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found people who felt more confident about their genitalia tend to have less stress about their “performance” during sex and better sexual functioning, which includes getting turned on easily, having more vaginal lubrication, and being able to orgasm with ease.

21. Sexual desire is buildable.

For couples, experiencing sexual desire today makes you more likely to experience sexual desire tomorrow and have sex tomorrow, according to a study published in the Archives of Sexual Desire. That means couples who want to improve their sex lives should consider starting small: Just adding a few moments of heat and turn-on daily, even without having sex, will build up sexual desire over time.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Does “Sex Positive” Mean?

If you’ve got an open and non-judgmental mind when it comes to sex, you’re on the right track.

By Carina Hsieh

The term “sex positive” is used to describe an attitude towards sex that’s well, positive, and judgment-free. Contrary to what you might think, being sex positive doesn’t necessarily mean you’re kinky AF (although you can be), but is more of an umbrella term used to describe an open attitude when it comes to all things sexual.

“Sex-positivity can be defined in many different ways but generally refers to an attitude and approach to sex that prioritizes personal agency and preferences and minimizes moral judgments,” says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, and resident sexologist for Astroglide.

One of the most important factors about sex-positivity is the idea that sex can be used for pleasure and not just procreation, explains Robert Thomas, a sexologist and co-founder of Sextopedia.

Another important aspect of sex-positivity is the ability to talk freely about sex, without shame or judgment towards yourself or others. “Sex positivity views sex as one of the best things in life and doesn’t demonize it in any way or attempt to make anyone feel guilty for their urges and desires,” explains Alex Miller, sexologist at Orchid Toys. A sex-positive person doesn’t judge others for their sexual desires or fetishes, and instead keeps an open mind.

And yes, you can be totally sex-positive if you identify as vanilla and personally don’t engage in kinky sex. “You, or other adults around you, can choose if, when, how, and with whom they want to have sex, and not be judged about their decisions,” adds Thomas. As long as you’re not judging other people for their proclivities between consenting adults, you’re sex-positive.

You can also be sex-positive without even having had sex, says O’Reilly. As long as you acknowledge that sexuality evolves and exists on a spectrum. This spectrum can include anything ranging from consensual non-monogamy to abstinence and everything in between.

It might also help to think of sex-positivity as similar to freedom of speech. Someone who believes in freedom of speech may not personally hold every contentious opinion in the land, but their underlying belief that others should be able to have clashing opinions or beliefs that don’t align with theirs is key.

“The sex positivity movement is very closely related to the sentiment of Voltaire…’I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it,'” adds Tami Rose, owner of Romantic Adventures.

Translated for a sex-positive crowd, their version would be something like: “I may not enjoy what you do, but as long as it is going on between consenting adults and is not damaging or endangering anyone… rock on,” explains Rose.

In short, think of sex-positivity as the celebration of freedom of choice, as O’Reilly calls it. Being sex-positive is an attitude that embraces personal agency and choice and respects the sexual decisions made between consenting adults.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Have The Best Sex Ever In 2020

By Ashley Tibbits

Of all the New Year’s resolutions you could make — better overall health, learning something new daily, practicing gratitude, etc. — arguably some of the best are those that involve improving your close relationships. And that includes your more (ahem) intimate ones. Regardless of whether your current sex life is stagnant or sizzling, there’s always room for improvement. That said, if one of your 2020 goals is mastering just how to have the best sex ever, you might be curious to know how the most satisfied people are behaving in the bedroom (and beyond).

Recently Pure Romance conducted a survey of 2,000 sexually active Americans, and the results might just surprise you. Overwhelmingly, the participants seem to genuinely be enjoying their sex lives, with 79 percent reporting that they were “happy” with how things were going in that department and 44 percent rating 2019 as their best year for sex yet.

Before digging into what these people may or may not have been practicing that kept them feeling satisfied, it’s also helpful to examine the factors that lead to a healthy sex life, according to the experts. “The elements that are essential for a healthy sex life include feeling good about your body, sexual thoughts, fantasies, feelings, and your overall well-being,” says Dr. Carolina Pataky, a certified sex therapist with Love Discovery Institute in Miami. “Healthy sex also requires comfort in sharing your sexual and emotional world with your partner. It means knowing what you want to do and what turns you on, but also what you don’t want to do and doesn’t feel good.”

Dr. Pataky also attributes the rise in sexual confidence and satisfaction to the fact that American culture has come so far in terms of being able to express certain desires — which includes preferences and orientation as well as fantasies. “The last three generations have grown up with hearing and learning about sex in ways that were previously unavailable,” she says. “Sexual expression and experimentation is not limited to the sexual revolution of the 60s and 70s, but new generations have now also grown up with it.”

Sexual openness seemed to be an ongoing themes in the studies findings — whether that means communicating better with your partner, experimenting with more toys (including a ton of women-designed ones), and switching up styles, time of day, and frequency. For more specifics, read ahead for the four main things to consider for an even better sex life in 2020, based on Pure Romance’s findings as well as Dr. Pataky’s advice.

Branch Out

With a reduction in stigma around sex, it seems that more and more people feel comfortable trying new things in the bedroom. This is reflected in the study’s data, with 38 percent saying they’d been more adventurous this year. More specifically, one in six tried phone sex and 29 percent tried a toy for the first time in 2019. But experimenting can mean different things for each and some may find it a bit harder than others.

If you’re open to expanding your horizons but are feelings a bit shy or unsure about just how, Dr. Pataky has some advice. “Exploring doesn’t mean doing it but it means giving yourself permission to reflect on what they are. Write out what [your fantasies] are and let yourself notice what you are telling yourself about them. You can also try talking about it with a partner letting them know what you are wanting. You can also join an internet forum or a sub-Reddit that gives you the privacy to share your fantasies and fears with others that feel the same and share the same fantasy.”

Do Some Research

To go along with the above, it might also benefit you to utilize the wide variety of resources available. “For those individuals that are still affected by taboos, I’d suggest reading books that help them understand their sexuality, desires, and fantasies as a natural part to the human component,” says Dr. Pataky. “One book I’d recommend for starters would be Tell Me What You Want by Justin J. Lehmiller. This book brings to light the commonalities we share regarding our sexual desires and fantasies.”

Make More Time For Intimacy

According to the survey, the biggest complaint about sex was not having enough of it, with 42 percent saying it was what they regretted most about their sex lives this year. While it may seem easier said than done, Dr. Pataky claims that if you want more intimacy for 2020, you’ve just got to carve out the time. “If you are wanting to have more sex, you need to prioritize it,” she says. To do this, the sex therapist explains there’s no better way than to just make it a part of your schedule. If you’ve got a partner, that might involve being open about your desire for more sex and coordinating your schedules and set aside some special alone time.

Keep Talking

Nearly half of those surveyed said they were able to communicate more with their partner about their likes and dislikes, while another 44 percent claimed this year they learned more about what makes their partner feel good. And while Dr. Patasky notes that having an open discourse about your desires is certainly beneficial, it’s important to keep the communication going even outside the bedroom. “One of the problems I’ve been seeing is that some people are open to positively discussing what’s going on between the sheets, but what’s going on in their relationships?” she asks. “While many of my clients do have plenty of sex, they sometimes erroneously use it as metric to measure how well their relationship is going.” That said, for those who are in a relationship, it’s important to focus on more than just that quality and quantity of getting busy. Chances are, having a healthy relationship overall will improve your sex life, too.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is it normal to masturbate when you’re in a relationship?

Worried about your partner’s masturbatory habits? Here’s everything you need to know about masturbation when you’re in a relationship.

By Paisley Gilmour

Whether you’re worried it means your partner doesn’t find you attractive anymore, would rather wank than have sex with you, or they have a sexual desire that’s not being met in your sex life, please know masturbation – even in a relationship – is perfectly healthy and normal. What’s more, it can also be really, really hot. Still not convinced? Read on.

Why do people masturbate?

Despite the stigma and misconceptions surrounding masturbation – where a person stimulates themselves sexually, whether by hand or using sex toys – masturbation is normal for people of all ages, gender identities and sexualities. ‘Not only is it totally normal for your partner to masturbate, it’s good for them. And it can be good for you both as a couple, too,’ says sex educator for Tenga, writer, and broadcaster Alix Fox.

Whether you’re single, casually dating or in a long-term monogamous relationship, masturbation should be a healthy part of your life. There are many reasons why people masturbate, including:

‘Masturbation is a form of self pleasure and self-care and in some ways can offer us different elements to having sex with another person,’ says psychosexual therapist and sex therapist for LELO, Kate Moyle. ‘Like sex, there can be many reason for why we might masturbate, and sometimes partners can jump to assumptions that aren’t helpful for either of you.’

We shouldn’t naturally feel threatened when a partner masturbates. But if you notice a change in your sex life and are unhappy with it, or if you feel your partner isn’t engaging in couple sex as much, Moyle says it’s worth discussing this with them.

Is it normal for your partner to masturbate?

Thanks to stigma, shame and misinformation, masturbation has a bad rep. A global survey of over 10,000 people by Tenga found just 17 per cent of British women learned about masturbation during sex education lessons. ‘As a result, many associate it with shame, dirtiness and taboo – negative messages that are unfortunately frequently delivered by religious and cultural influences, and often not corrected by teachers or media,’ Fox explains.

Some of us may also worry that if our partner masturbates, they aren’t fulfilled by partnered sex with us.

Some of us may also worry that if our partner masturbates, it’s a sign they don’t want (or aren’t fulfilled by) partnered sex with us, but this is usually not the case. ‘Some folks see it as a judgment, rejection, or a signal that something’s wrong with the relationship,’ Fox says.

This may be why so many of us aren’t truthful about how often we masturbate when our partners ask. According to the Tenga research, 38 per cent of men and 34 per cent of women have lied about their masturbatory habits, while 37 per cent have avoided talking to their partner about it at all.

Will masturbation impact your relationship?

If your partner still enjoys solo sex on occasion, it’s unlikely to be a sign that they’re no longer attracted to you. They might have a high sex drive or simply enjoy the release. But why would they choose to masturbate instead of having sex with you?

‘Sometimes they might simply fancy a solo session because it’s generally a faster way of getting a little sweet relief than coupled sex,’ Fox says.

‘They might not want to impose on you if they suspect you may be busy or not in the mood. They might feel tired and want to relax, but worry they don’t have the energy to “perform” and please you.’

The benefits of your partner masturbating

While it might make you feel left out or confused, if your partner still masturbates regularly alongside enjoying sex with you, it actually comes with a number of health benefits:

• Masturbation makes you better at sex

Masturbating can make someone better at partnered sex, and make them enjoy sex in a couple more, too. ‘I am a huge advocate for masturbation as a means of exploring and discovering your own intimate likes and dislikes, and what particular moves, motions, sex toys and tricks make you feel great,’ Fox says. ‘Once you figure out how to enjoy yourself, by yourself, for yourself, it’s so much easier to have satisfying, scintillating sexual experiences with a partner if you wish.’

A common misconception is that people should only masturbate when they’re younger and before they’re in a healthy, fulfilling sexual relationship. But as Fox explains, ‘that exploratory process shouldn’t just be something that happens when you’re younger, or when you’re single.’ She says there are many factors that affect your sexual response throughout your life: pregnancy, birth, menopause, hormonal fluctuations, what point you’re at in your menstrual cycle, stress, tiredness, HRT, and contraceptives. Medications increasingly prescribed to treat depression such as Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) are known to lower sexual desire and cause absent or delayed orgasm in many people.

‘Something that legitimately felt good a year ago may not tickle your pickle or excite your hot spots so much today, and vice versa,’ Fox adds. ‘So masturbating – and switching up the style in which you do so – is essential throughout the decades to keep you literally in touch with your own body.’

• Masturbation is good for mental health

Tenga’s research found an increasing number of people are beginning to view masturbation as an important part of looking after themselves. 64 per cent of people said they used it as a form of self-care. 52 per cent said it improved their wellbeing by helping them unwind, improving their connection to their own bodies, bettering their self-image (‘if your body makes you feel good, you’re more likely to feel good about your body,’ Fox says), and assisting with peaceful sleep.

‘British respondents ranked masturbation as just below sleep but above listening to music or taking a hot bath as most effective in relieving stress,’ Fox says. ‘And a chilled out, confident person is more likely to make a happier, healthier partner.’

• Masturbation improves your confidence

The more you engage in physical stimulation, the more you train your body to want it and anticipate it, says Dr Shirin Lakhani, women’s intimate health expert and founder of Elite Aesthetics. ‘Your body essentially learns how to feel sexual pleasure and have an orgasm which can in turn have a significant impact on relationships and a person’s self-esteem and confidence.’

• Masturbation relieves pain

Masturbation ultimately leads to the release of neurotransmitters like serotonin, endorphins, and oxytocin which bring a feeling of calm as well as offering pain relief. Dr Lakhani says, ‘The resulting blood flow to the genitals is beneficial to the physical health too, and can have a positive impact on the tissue in the area.’

• Masturbation is really hot

Many people find the idea of their partner masturbating sexually arousing. Whether that’s when their partner is alone (and they then tell you about it), or in front of them, or while they also masturbate (known as mutual masturbation), it can be a really fun and sexy way to be intimate.

‘Masturbating next to each other is a joyfully hot part of mine and my partner’s sex life, and before we lived together we’d send each other videos and elaborate text descriptions of our wanks,’ says Jane*.

‘In addition to the erotic visual/aural thrill, it’s exciting to know I have my partner’s trust; that they feel sufficiently safe with me to embrace the inherent vulnerability intensifies the turn-on,’ says Aisha*.

‘Watching your partner masturbate is a great way to find out what they like,’ says Susannah*.

‘You get to really concentrate on the expression on their face as they lose control and THAT IS SO HOT!,’ says Eric*.

‘For me it’s about seeing someone get pleasure just the way they want it. I basically can’t get my partner to orgasm because of my disability, and sometimes that’s disheartening. When they jerk off it’s almost a more intimate experience because it feels more vulnerable,’ Ruth* says.

‘If I’m not feeling horny and my husband starts to masturbate, it’s not long before my juices are flowing and I’m ready to go,’ says Kate*.

How to enjoy mutual masturbation

you’ve previously been worried about your partner masturbating, but want to accept this is a good and healthy thing for them to do, it’s worth trying mutual masturbation. ‘Masturbating together, or in front of one another, can be a great way of learning about your partner’s sexual preferences, so you’re more likely to know how to deliver personalised pleasure to them in future,’ Fox says.

Here are two of Fox’s simple ways to masturbate together, one’s for the extroverts and one for the shyer among you:

1. Show ‘n’ tell

‘Masturbate in front of your partner, so they can learn precisely where and how you prefer to be stimulated from the ultimate expert – you! As well as being an educational exercise, this can be deeply erotic,’ says Fox. Here’s how:

✔️ Command your lover to sit on a chair facing the bed, then tell them that you’re going to put on a show – and you demand their close attention.

✔️ If dirty talk turns you both on, describe each move you make to give extra details: the spot you’re touching, the speed you’re going, whether you’re moving your fingers in circles or stroking up and down.

✔️ Get them to say out loud what they see, too. In addition to sounding seriously sexy, vocalising what you’re doing and what they’re viewing will help them learn more and commit it to memory, so they can put their lessons into action later.

2. Hide ‘n’ peek

Feeling nervous while masturbating together is totally natural, so if you’re feeling timid, ask them to watch you through a half-open door. ‘This helps some folks feel like they’re the only person in the room, so it’s easier to shrug off their inhibitions, and many “watchers” find the voyeurism of “spying” on their partner’s “private moment” hugely hot,’ Fox says.

Alternatively, have your partner sit behind you so you can’t see them watching. ‘Place their hands over yours, so they can feel exactly how you massage and caress yourself.’

*Names have been changed

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Do You Want Really Good Sex This Year?

7 New Year’s Resolutions To Make That Happen

By Kelly Gonsalves

While you’re plotting out all your New Year’s resolutions for the coming year, why not add in one for your sex life?

We can sometimes forget to consider sex when thinking about what we want from our lives, but sex is an important part of our overall well-being. As individuals, our sexuality is one of the most powerful ways we can connect with our own bodies, understand them, and celebrate them; many studies have shown that positive body image and sexual satisfaction are deeply linked. And for couples? Research from clinical psychologist Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., has found happy couples say sex only plays a 15 to 20% role in their relationship, but unhappy couples say up to 75% of the trouble is related to sex. So yes, sex is always worth a little investment!

Here are a few ideas for sex resolutions you might want to make this year, whether for yourself or as a couple:

1. Make sex a priority again.

Just a simple mindset shift can go a long way. If sexual wellness hasn’t been a big priority for you in the last year or so, consider bumping it back up to be top of mind. Sometimes when you’ve been in the same relationship for a long time or when you haven’t been dating for a while, sex just becomes less important than everything else going on in your life. That’s totally cool—life ebbs and flows, and sometimes your family, or your career, or some other exciting project is what needs your attention. But if you feel like your sex life could use a little TLC, then commit to giving it the same amount of time, energy, and prioritization that you’ve been giving to other parts of your life. Your sex life won’t change until you invest in it.

What does that look like? When you’re choosing between working late and going on that date, pick the date. When you and your partner are deciding how to spend an upcoming free weekend, put sex on the menu of options. Decide that the chores and deadlines and social obligations can wait. When there’s an opportunity for sex, go for it!

2. Invest in your own pleasure.

Whether you’re in a relationship or not, you deserve to have sexual pleasure in your life. If that’s an unfamiliar idea for you, you can even just make your resolution to recite that mantra to yourself each morning: I deserve to have sexual pleasure in my life.

There are so many ways to invest in your pleasure: It could mean making more time for masturbation or figuring out what the heck actually turns you on, or it could mean buying yourself a few new sex toys or some lingerie that makes you feel like a goddess. Or maybe it’s about opening a conversation with your partner about making your favorite parts of sex more of the go-to thing. (For example, you shouldn’t have to be quietly hoping to yourself that your partner is gonna go down on you—just ask!)

3. Learn about sex.

Did you know just learning about the orgasm gap is associated with women having more orgasms during sex? Knowledge can go such a long way in terms of improving your sex life. You might think you know everything you need to know about sex, but here’s what I’ll tell you: I’m a sex educator, and I write about sex for a living. I’ve written literally hundreds of stories about sex, learned from countless sex therapists and couples’ counselors, read hundreds of scientific papers about sex—and I’m still learning new things about sex every day. There’s always more to learn. Especially considering how little sex education Americans receive, you can bet you’ll find a whole lot of new information and ideas from just one book, class, or podcast about sex. Commit to listening to one new podcast about sex, reading one well-reviewed book about sex, or taking a class about sex either online or in person.

4. Address your sexual blocks.

If you know you have a block related to sex, commit to spending this year trying to really figure it out, address it, and heal. That could mean finally seeking out a specialist to figure out why you’re experiencing sexual pain, or going to a sex therapist to talk through your experiences with sexual trauma, or just spending some dedicated time doing the inner work to learn about what’s been holding you back sexually.

5. Commit to variety.

If you’ve fallen into a rut sexually, make this year a year of exploration and experimentation. Maybe that means trying out new positions with your partner and agreeing to, say, making sure every time you have sex includes one position or sexual act that you don’t usually break out. Or maybe it means exploring something truly new and novel for you—something like pegging, going to a sex party, BDSM, role-playing, consensual nonmonogamy, watching porn with your partner, or whatever else you’ve had a little inkling of interest in.

6. Tap into your sexual energy, even when you’re not having sex.

Sex isn’t all about having sex. Weird, I know. One of the best ways to improve your overall sex life is to build more sexual energy into your day. A 2019 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found sexual desire is actually buildable: that is, experiencing sexual desire today increases your odds of having sexual desire and sex tomorrow. Moreover, feeling turned on isn’t just about getting in the mood to have sex. Being able to access that state of mind regularly can be incredibly empowering on its own: Sexual energy can make you feel more confident, outgoing, and flirtatious. Here are a few ways to build more sexual energy into your day.

7. Have more sex.

Hey, when it comes to resolutions, sometimes simple is best! Put sex on the calendar, often. Boom. Happy New Year!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Home remedies for premature ejaculation

Many males experience sexual concerns such as premature ejaculation. Premature ejaculation occurs when someone has an orgasm very quickly or orgasms without control. Males with premature ejaculation may also have very little warning before their orgasm, so they may not be able to delay it.

by Jon Johnson

Premature ejaculation may lead to lower sexual satisfaction for both the person experiencing it and their partner. Some home remedies and exercises may help delay ejaculation or help someone become more aware of their sensations and how to control them.

Some estimates suggest that around 4–39% of males experience premature ejaculation, though some estimates are higher. Part of the reason that so many people experience this is because premature ejaculation can be complex, involving both mental and physical aspects.

Some medical treatments may help with premature ejaculation, but there is no permanent cure for it. However, males may learn to control their ejaculation and find more sexual satisfaction using a number of remedies, including supplements and exercise. Keep reading to learn more.

Minerals

Certain minerals may help with premature ejaculation. These include:

Zinc

There may be a link between supplements such as zinc and sexual dysfunction. Zinc also seems to play a role in male fertility.

As an article in the International Journal of Molecular Sciences notes, some studies have reported reduced quantities of zinc in the seminal fluid of males with infertility.

Zinc supplementation improves sexual dysfunction and increases serum testosterone levels in the body. This may improve libido in general and help improve sexual dysfunction, which may include premature ejaculation.

Taking zinc supplements may, therefore, promote overall sexual health in many ways, though no direct research has linked zinc to stopping or improving premature ejaculation.

Magnesium

Magnesium is another important mineral for healthy sperm production and reproductive health.

A review in the Asian Journal of Andrology notes that low magnesium levels are a contributing factor to premature ejaculation, as they may increase certain muscle contractions common in orgasms.

For this reason, getting enough magnesium in the diet may help with premature ejaculation.

Other minerals

As a study in the journal Reviews on Environmental Health notes, a number of other minerals also play important roles in sperm function and overall male fertility.

Those with sexual issues such as erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation may look to take a number of other minerals to improve their reproductive health in general. These may include:

Topical creams or sprays

For a temporary approach, many males find success in using topical creams and sprays that contain anesthetics such as lidocaine. These help numb the penis. They do this by delaying sensation to the penis, which may increase the time it takes to climax.

Typically, a male should apply these creams to the head of the penis about 30 minutes before sex, and then wash the penis around 5 minutes before sex.

Exercises

Various pelvic floor exercises may help train the muscles involved in ejaculation. By becoming aware of and strengthening these muscles, it may be possible to increase orgasm control.

One study found that a 12 week program of pelvic floor exercises helped males with premature ejaculation control their ejaculatory reflexes and increase their time to climax.

The pelvic floor muscles are the same muscles involved in cutting off the flow of urine. To find them, a male should urinate and then cut off the urine flow midstream.

To perform pelvic floor exercises, lie or sit in a comfortable position without putting pressure on the perineum, which is the area between the anus and the genitals.

Tighten the muscles involved in cutting off the flow of urine, holding them as tight as possible for 5 seconds. The muscles should feel as though they are lifting up. There may also be a pressure sensation inside the body, near the muscles.

Release the muscles and rest for 5 seconds. Repeat this process 10 times for one session. Do two or three sessions each day.

Condoms

Wearing a condom during sex may work in a similar way to using topical creams, by temporarily dulling the sensation in the penis. In some cases, this may increase the time it takes to orgasm.

Some companies make thicker condoms or condoms with a numbing agent on the inside to help decrease sensitivity further and help increase a male’s time to orgasm.

Practice

Those worried about sexual control and early ejaculation may simply not have had very much sexual practice. Teenagers tend to learn about their sexual responses and physical sensations from their early practices with masturbation.

Some people may not have as much experience with masturbation or sexual acts, which may be due to religious or cultural beliefs about them, or a sense of personal shame.

Openly exploring pleasure through masturbation helps a person identify the sensations their body experiences leading up to orgasm. Regular practice may also help someone learn the signs of an impending orgasm and to find ways to stop the stimulation before orgasm.

Also, some may recommend masturbating an hour or two before engaging in sexual activity. This may take advantage of the body’s refractory period, which is the period of time in which it is impossible or difficult to orgasm. The length of the refractory period varies from person to person.

Techniques

There are some techniques and methods that a male can try during sex that may help with premature ejaculation. These include:

The squeeze technique

The squeeze technique helps physically control an orgasm. It may also help a male identify the sensation of orgasm and learn how to control it.

During this method, a male or their partner should stimulate the penis until they are close to ejaculation. They must then firmly squeeze the shaft of the penis, so that the erection partially goes away and the impending orgasm subsides.

Going through these steps may help a male identify the sensations that lead to orgasm. Understanding these sensations can lead to better control over ejaculation.

The stop-start method

The stop-start method is another physical technique for sexual practice.

During this method, the male or their partner should stimulate the penis until climax is imminent. They should then stop all stimulation and allow the feeling of the upcoming orgasm to go away completely.

After the pleasure subsides, the male or their partner should stimulate the penis again and stop again just before the orgasm. Continue the cycle a third time, and allow the ejaculation on the fourth.

This practice may help a male identify the sensations that occur just before orgasm. Exploring them in this way can make it easier to identify or control ejaculation.

Is there a permanent cure?

There is no single way to treat or cure premature ejaculation. As the Urology Care Foundation point out, there are no approved drugs in the United States for the treatment of premature ejaculation.

The standard treatment typically includes a few different approaches. Psychological therapy, for example, helps address any negative thoughts or feelings that may lead to sexual issues.

Behavioral therapy, such as the squeeze and stop-start methods, helps build a tolerance to the pleasurable sensations that lead to orgasm.

Some over-the-counter or prescription creams and sprays may also help numb the head of the penis, which could decrease sensitivity temporarily.

In some cases, a doctor may also recommend using some forms of antidepressant drugs to treat premature ejaculation. Antidepressants such as fluoxetine and paroxetine may alter serotonin levels in the body, which could delay orgasm. However, there is no approval for this use of these drugs.

Summary

Premature ejaculation is common and affects many people at one time or another.

When premature ejaculation becomes an issue, however, some males may find that they can better control it using various home remedies and techniques. Some doctors may suggest other forms of physical, psychological, or medical treatment to help control the issue.

If premature ejaculation continues or gets worse, it is best to see a doctor for a full diagnosis. There may be an underlying health condition causing it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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7 Reasons You Should Go to Sex Therapy, According to a Sex Therapist

“A lot of times people hear ‘sex therapist’ and they think, ‘Oh, they’re teaching people sex positions,’” says Christopher Ryan Jones, Psy.D. “Honestly, that would be a relief if that’s all the job entailed—it would mean the world was a much better and kinder place!” And OK, we’ll admit it—when we thought about sex therapy we were kind of imagining some sort of Kama Sutra workshop. Well, it turns out that sex therapy can be helpful for a variety of issues and concerns (that have nothing to do with the lotus position). Here, seven common reasons someone might see a sex therapist.

1. The Two of You Are Bored Sexually

“Couples may come to sex therapy for any number of reasons,” says Jones. “They may feel that they have lost romantic feelings toward one another or one of the partners may want to explore areas of sexuality that the other partner is not comfortable with.” Another common concern? Mismatched libidos. “The focus of the therapy would be to open up communication to discuss their wants and desires, and also give the couples homework that would help them to rekindle their romance.” Extra credit optional.

2. You Have Difficulty Achieving Orgasm or Arousal

The first thing a sex therapist would do in this case is to have the person get a physical check-up from a doctor to make sure no medical conditions are causing the lack of arousal or lack of orgasm. “If things came back normal, I would then recommend sensate focus,” Jones tells us. This involves abstaining from sexual activities and instead focusing on touch and sensation (orgasming is actually discouraged during the course of this treatment). After a week or two of touching, Jones would suggest incorporating kissing and light oral play. “The length of the sensate therapy depends upon the individual and couple. Nevertheless, they would gradually increase the level of play until they do have intercourse.” The goal here is to take the pressure off orgasming and focus instead on the sensations and other pleasures of sex.

3. You’re Processing Sexual Trauma

“A person who has been sexually abused or raped may come to therapy for a number of issues—the most obvious reason is to find help dealing with the trauma,” says Jones. It’s common for someone who has had this type of experience to have difficulties being intimate, he tells us. But sex therapy can help a person overcome the traumatic experience and ensure that it doesn’t affect future sexual experiences.

4. You Think You Might Have Sexual Disorders or Dysfunctions

This can refer to a number of issues, including erectile dysfunction (“which is becoming more common with younger clients”), low sexual desire and sexual arousal disorder (“although these are only considered disorders if it causes distress to the client”). Things like vaginismus (involuntary muscle contractions in the vagina) and dyspareunia (pain during intercourse) are also valid reasons to seek help.

5. You’re Coping with a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI)

“Oftentimes when a person is diagnosed with an STI, they are so shocked that they don’t really register what their medical provider is telling them. One of the jobs of a sex therapist is to educate the client on treatments and care, as well as safer sex practices to stop the transmission of STIs.” People who have an STI can also find it difficult to disclose this information to partners, which is also something that sex therapy can help with.

6. You’re Dealing with LGBTQ Issues

“People in the LGBTQ community often have issues of acceptance, prejudice and alienation. Sex therapy can help clients who have trouble coming out to their friends and family, and navigate the new dynamic that being open about their sexuality introduces.” It can also help individuals realize and accept what’s going on with themselves.

7. You Just Want to Talk About Basic Relationship Issues

Sex isn’t everything in a relationship, but it isn’t nothing either. “Relationship issues can range from helping couples learn to communicate better to discovering ways for them to regain their intimacy. The fact is that people change over time—their bodies change over time and the way they think changes over time. This sometimes makes the relationship a bit complicated.” But just because things change doesn’t mean you have to settle for a lackluster sex life. Here’s what Jones tells his clients: It’s their perception that needs to be changed. That excitement you felt when you first met can continue throughout the marriage, he says. “You can discover things your partner likes and how their body responds differently. This isn’t a bad thing—this can be very exciting and fulfilling.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Before You Have Sex In A Hot Tub, Read This

By Erika W. Smith

Hot tub sex is the stuff of fantasies… but that fantasy always ends before you wake up with a UTI. While the myth that you can catch an STI from dirty hot tub water is not true (phew), having sex in a hot tub comes with a few health risks to keep in mind.

First, there’s the discomfort. Water washes away your natural vaginal lubrication. That means having sex in a hot tub comes with an increased risk of irritation, microabrasions, and microtears. (Proof that all those movies with steamy pool sex scenes were written by men.) If you have penetrative sex in the water, you’ll want to use silicone lube to keep things slick; water-based lube won’t stand up to the hot tub jets either.

Another risk is unintended pregnancy. Even if you never believed the old myth that chlorine kills sperm (let’s be clear: it does not), having sex in a hot tub makes a condom more likely to slip off, and potentially more likely to break. As sex educator Erica Smith (no relation) previously explained to Refinery29, “A condom wouldn’t be as effective in a hot tub — hot chlorinated water may interfere with its durability. Note that condom manufacturers don’t test condoms in water or chlorinated conditions, so the extent of their durability there is anecdotal.” An internal condom may be more likely to stay put, she said.

And finally, there’s the bacteria. As we noted above, you can’t catch a STI from hot tub water because STIs, by definition, are passed through sexual or skin-to-skin contact. But you can get a UTI. “What is in that hot tub? Bacteria! The water could get thrust inside the vagina during sex, and the microtears and abrasions make you more susceptible to infection,” Smith explained. “UTIs, bacterial vaginosis, and a yeast infection could be potential outcomes.”

Think a hot tub is sexy, but not willing to risk a yeast infection? The solution is to begin foreplay in your (private!) hot tub, then move out of the water. You can even keep the hot tub involved, if you want to. For example, you could hop out of the water to sit on the edge of the hot tub while your partner goes down on you. In this scenario, your legs are still in the water, but your vagina is not.

If that sounds like it could get chilly, you could always just move to the bedroom or living room. Gynecologist Leah Millheiser, MD, previously suggested to Refinery29, “Use [the hot tub] for foreplay, then move somewhere else for intercourse. Challenge yourself to keep the sexual energy going until you reach that place.” And all the better if that place is just a few feet away

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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We’re in Our 70s. This Is What Our Sex Life Is Like

“My sex life is better than at any other time, even during the ‘free love’ era of the 60s and 70s.”

by Mark Hay

Joel Kann, 70, knew he was aging when other grey-haired men started offering him their seats on the bus. Bonnie Nilsen, 71, knew it when she looked in the mirror one day and saw her mother. Still, neither of them ever felt old—like they’d gone through some major shift in their physical, mental, or sexual selves. But both say they’ve had people look at them, or hear their ages, and clearly instantly mentally write them off as desexualized beings.

That is not surprising given the fact that, for well over a century, American culture has embraced and perpetuated the idea that, as we age, our sexualities naturally wither away. As such, we rarely depict older people as sexual. When we do, it’s usually as a joke. The image of the sexless elder is so widespread that even medical professionals often omit older people in studies on sexuality and neglect to talk about sexual health during check ups. (Is it any wonder why STI rates among older adults are so high?) Perhaps the only time most people think about the intersection of sex and old age is viagra commercials—or when we hear reports about the (sadly common) phenomenon of elder caregiver and nursing home sexual abuse. And that is far from an affirming recognition of senior citizens’ sexual lives and selves.

As people age, their bodies usually do change in ways that affect sex. Those with penises tend to lose sensitivity. Their erections often get less firm and frequent and may take more stimulation to achieve or maintain, and their ejaculations are often weaker. Those with vaginas may take longer to get aroused and produce less natural lubrication, which can make sex less comfortable. Across the board, libidos tend to decrease and orgasms may feel less intense.

Non-sexual health conditions from arthritis to depression to heart disease can compound these issues, or lead to chronic pain, fatigue, or other symptoms that make sex difficult to have. Treatments for these conditions can likewise have side effects that take a toll on sex drive or capacity. On top of all of that, changes in skin appearance, muscle tone, and weight that often accompany aging can lead to body image issues that put a crimp in many people’s sexual confidence.

A few studies suggest that people aged 60 to 82 tend to engage in physical intimacy less often than their younger peers. Yet several studies also suggest that many older adults still have and value sex—some more than they did as middle-aged adults. Most sexually active seniors say the sex they’re having is as good as, if not better than, the sex they had earlier in life. (People often report they have more confidence and fewer distractions in life in general, freeing them up to truly focus on and enjoy sex.) Many older adults believe a vibrant sex life is important to their overall wellbeing. Quite a few also wish they could have more sex, and note that their sex lives are often limited not by health issues, but because they lack a partner.

In an effort to push back on the desexualization of older people, VICE recently spoke to Bonnie and Joel, who have been having sex with each other on and off since college and became a couple eight years ago, about how they navigate sex and sexuality in their 70s. Bonnie and Joel are the first to admit that they may not be typical seniors. The polyamorous and sexually adventurous couple recently had sex on camera for porn performer and producer jessica drake and sex educator Joan Price’s Guide to Wicked Sex: Senior Sex educational adult video. Yet for all that is unique about their story, it still touches on many experiences that will resonate with older adults of all stripes.

Bonnie: [When we first had sex in college,] we had this immediate connection—I don’t know what happened there. Part of it was sexual but there was something else going on there.

We actually only had sex twice [in college]: the one time at my apartment and the one time at your apartment when your wife was away. Our sex was the typical 20-year-olds looking at each other and ripping off each other’s clothes and falling off the bed [type of sex].

We stayed in touch on and off through the early 70s, but then lost track of each other.

Bonnie: In 2008 I put a couple of websites up about myself. I am a self-taught web developer. I guess he found me. [That fall I was 60 and] I went to the east coast for my father’s funeral and stayed at my brother’s house in New Jersey for a few weeks as we sorted through my parents’ house. And I invited Joel to come up. It was just immediate—I looked at him and said, “oh my god…”

Joel: I was living in North Carolina and she said, “do you want to come up and meet?” I thought really meet—go out for coffee. I showed up and she was standing outside with her overnight bag.

Bonnie: We’d already talked about getting a hotel room!

Joel: No, I don’t think so! And she jumped into my car with her bag and said, “Let’s go!”

Bonnie: We had one night together.

Joel: That was the first time that I had sex with you and you squirted. I’d never been with a women who squirted before. I was like, whoa, what’s this? I don’t know what it is, but it feels good.

Bonnie: Because Joel was still married, he backed off. He didn’t want to hurt his wife—totally understandable. He was, I think, kind of shocked that we had connected again. So for the next couple of years we stayed in touch on Facebook, writing emails to each other. Then in 2011, I was getting on with my life up in British Columbia and got a message from Joel saying, “Hey, would you be interested in going to a medical conference with me in Victoria, on Vancouver Island?”

Joel: I’d realized there was something there. I really liked her. My marriage was pretty much over. It was not an angry, terrible marriage. It had just died. I hadn’t had sex with my wife in almost 10 years. So I looked for a conference near her and Victoria was a close one. I said, let me see if she’ll come. We met up there and spent five days [together].

Bonnie: Which was amazing. We both fell in love again.

Joel: We met at the airport, went to the hotel lounge, said some nice things, then said, “okay, up to the room.” A soon as the door closed, clothes started coming off. We fucked over a chair by a window overlooking the parking lot and imagined that other people were looking at us.

We fucked twice that night, [then] once or twice a day [thereafter]. Bonnie started taking out lingerie and sex toys and rope and I said, “this is going to be interesting!” I ended up tying you to the rafters in the hotel room. [I was in my early 60s and] it was, I think, the first time I had anal sex in my life.

We both cried when we had to separate because we hadn’t really made any plans other than that. It was like: What are we going to do? This feels so good. We’re in love. Now I have to go back and decide if I’m going to leave my wife for you. And I eventually did. Then Bonnie eventually moved [to Raleigh, North Carolina] to be with me.

Bonnie: When we got back together [in 2008], our sex drive was good and the sex felt amazing. It still is. But it has changed.

I have had fibromyalgia for over 20 years and that hits you. You’re going through life in your 40s and suddenly [you feel like] you’re in your 80s. Everything hurts. If you turn or move too quickly, you’ll strain a joint. It can put me in bed for a day. But then get up the next day like, okay, here we go again.

Joel: As I’ve gotten older, I have joints that ache a bit more. I tend to ignore that. But certainly, I can’t perform on the same level as I did when I was younger. I’m not quite as acrobatic as I was.

And when you’re young, you can get several erections in a day, no problem. But as you get older, that gets to one a day, sometimes once every couple of days. If the stimulus is good, I can get them a couple times a day. But to ejaculate a couple times a day is rare. Sometimes [my erections] are a little soft, particularly if I’m using a condom or with new partners or having sex in public.

I’ve used Cialis and Viagra with new partners. But when Bonnie and I are together, I don’t have real problems [with erections]. Usually they are spontaneous, or [develop] with a little bit of stimulation.

will [sometimes] have an orgasm and no or little ejaculate will come out. [It’s called] retrograde ejaculation because of swelling in the prostate—the ejaculate goes into the bladder instead of out through the urethra. Then it slowly comes out the next couple of times you urinate. The first couple of times it happened, it was like, wow, what’s that?

Bonnie: My sexual desire is definitely lower than it was [as well]. I could have sex one time a week. But we usually wind up having sex two to three times a week. That’s usually because Joel approaches me. And that’s fine. I’m not being forced into it. I’m more like, oh, okay, this is fun.

Joel: Eight years ago, we were having sex every day, sometimes a couple of times a day. Even now that her libido has dropped a bit, Bonnie is still more sexual than any woman I’ve ever [been with], at any age.

Bonnie: I’ve been thinking lately that I hardly ever masturbate. I used to masturbate almost every day. If I reminded myself to masturbate more, it would probably get my sex drive up again.

Joel: I also enjoy when she masturbates, whether I’m there or not. Just hearing about it is a turn on.

Things are different. Sometimes it takes more planning to have sex. It’s not always spontaneous.

Bonnie: The biggest thing between us is that we communicate well and have a sense of each other.

Joel: She told me about her fibromyalgia and how when [an attack] hits you, you wouldn’t be sure whether you’d want me to touch you for a day—whether you’d want me to hold you or stay away. We talked about that a lot—how that doesn’t mean you’re rejecting me. She warned me when we got back together: “You’re starting a relationship with someone with chronic pain. Are you sure you know what you’re getting into?” As a physician, I’d dealt with people with chronic pain and chronic fatigue, but not personally—not on this level. So it was learning what to do, what works, what doesn’t work, and communicating a lot: “What position are you comfortable in? How are you feeling now compared to the last time we had sex? What are you up for? What are you not up for?”

Bonnie: For me, it’s been learning to say. “no, I’m not into it right now.” If Joel wants to have sex, I’d love to. But my body sometimes [doesn’t].

Joel: Or [she’ll say], “I need to be on my side.” Or, “I don’t know if I can be on top for long.”

I had to learn how to feel comfortable being the one who more often than not initiates sex, but [also to] not be afraid when she can’t or doesn’t want to [have sex]—to not take that personally. It helps that she has such a great libido and is so adventurous. It wasn’t like I wasn’t getting any sex.

Bonnie: We’ve basically tried everything. And we still do. Just a lot less [often than we used to]. We just recently went to a Halloween party in Durham. It was a BDSM party.

Joel: I tied her to a cross and flogged her in front of a bunch of people. And we were into swinging for a while. Then we got into polyamory—this fits us better, getting to know someone and bringing them into our lives rather than just a quick hookup and then never seeing people together again.

Bonnie: [I don’t have many sexual relationships with other people these days.] With fibromyalgia, it’s like: Here’s somebody else who’s going to have to learn what to do with my body. I don’t really want to get into that. But I’m fine with Joel having other partners.

Joel: My sex life is better than at any other time, even during the “free love” era of the 60s and 70s.

Bonnie: When you were hitchhiking and fucking everybody you met on the road.

Joel: [One thing we want to say to other older people is:] Don’t let preconceived notions define you. You don’t have to act a certain way just because you’re getting older. There are things that change. Try to understand, physiologically, what’s going on and how you can adapt to that.

If you can’t get an erection, there are many ways to please your partner. With your hands. With your mouth. You don’t have to concentrate on penis-in-vagina sex to have a good sex life.

Bonnie: People like us are out here saying, “you can still have a great sex life in spite of changes.”

Joel: In spite of aches and pains.

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