Worried about your partner’s masturbatory habits? Here’s everything you need to know about masturbation when you’re in a relationship.
Whether you’re worried it means your partner doesn’t find you attractive anymore, would rather wank than have sex with you, or they have a sexual desire that’s not being met in your sex life, please know masturbation – even in a relationship – is perfectly healthy and normal. What’s more, it can also be really, really hot. Still not convinced? Read on.
Why do people masturbate?
Despite the stigma and misconceptions surrounding masturbation – where a person stimulates themselves sexually, whether by hand or using sex toys – masturbation is normal for people of all ages, gender identities and sexualities. ‘Not only is it totally normal for your partner to masturbate, it’s good for them. And it can be good for you both as a couple, too,’ says sex educator for Tenga, writer, and broadcaster Alix Fox.
Whether you’re single, casually dating or in a long-term monogamous relationship, masturbation should be a healthy part of your life. There are many reasons why people masturbate, including:
‘Masturbation is a form of self pleasure and self-care and in some ways can offer us different elements to having sex with another person,’ says psychosexual therapist and sex therapist for LELO, Kate Moyle. ‘Like sex, there can be many reason for why we might masturbate, and sometimes partners can jump to assumptions that aren’t helpful for either of you.’
We shouldn’t naturally feel threatened when a partner masturbates. But if you notice a change in your sex life and are unhappy with it, or if you feel your partner isn’t engaging in couple sex as much, Moyle says it’s worth discussing this with them.
Is it normal for your partner to masturbate?
Thanks to stigma, shame and misinformation, masturbation has a bad rep. A global survey of over 10,000 people by Tenga found just 17 per cent of British women learned about masturbation during sex education lessons. ‘As a result, many associate it with shame, dirtiness and taboo – negative messages that are unfortunately frequently delivered by religious and cultural influences, and often not corrected by teachers or media,’ Fox explains.
Some of us may also worry that if our partner masturbates, they aren’t fulfilled by partnered sex with us.
Some of us may also worry that if our partner masturbates, it’s a sign they don’t want (or aren’t fulfilled by) partnered sex with us, but this is usually not the case. ‘Some folks see it as a judgment, rejection, or a signal that something’s wrong with the relationship,’ Fox says.
This may be why so many of us aren’t truthful about how often we masturbate when our partners ask. According to the Tenga research, 38 per cent of men and 34 per cent of women have lied about their masturbatory habits, while 37 per cent have avoided talking to their partner about it at all.
Will masturbation impact your relationship?
If your partner still enjoys solo sex on occasion, it’s unlikely to be a sign that they’re no longer attracted to you. They might have a high sex drive or simply enjoy the release. But why would they choose to masturbate instead of having sex with you?
‘Sometimes they might simply fancy a solo session because it’s generally a faster way of getting a little sweet relief than coupled sex,’ Fox says.
‘They might not want to impose on you if they suspect you may be busy or not in the mood. They might feel tired and want to relax, but worry they don’t have the energy to “perform” and please you.’
The benefits of your partner masturbating
While it might make you feel left out or confused, if your partner still masturbates regularly alongside enjoying sex with you, it actually comes with a number of health benefits:
• Masturbation makes you better at sex
Masturbating can make someone better at partnered sex, and make them enjoy sex in a couple more, too. ‘I am a huge advocate for masturbation as a means of exploring and discovering your own intimate likes and dislikes, and what particular moves, motions, sex toys and tricks make you feel great,’ Fox says. ‘Once you figure out how to enjoy yourself, by yourself, for yourself, it’s so much easier to have satisfying, scintillating sexual experiences with a partner if you wish.’
A common misconception is that people should only masturbate when they’re younger and before they’re in a healthy, fulfilling sexual relationship. But as Fox explains, ‘that exploratory process shouldn’t just be something that happens when you’re younger, or when you’re single.’ She says there are many factors that affect your sexual response throughout your life: pregnancy, birth, menopause, hormonal fluctuations, what point you’re at in your menstrual cycle, stress, tiredness, HRT, and contraceptives. Medications increasingly prescribed to treat depression such as Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) are known to lower sexual desire and cause absent or delayed orgasm in many people.
‘Something that legitimately felt good a year ago may not tickle your pickle or excite your hot spots so much today, and vice versa,’ Fox adds. ‘So masturbating – and switching up the style in which you do so – is essential throughout the decades to keep you literally in touch with your own body.’
• Masturbation is good for mental health
Tenga’s research found an increasing number of people are beginning to view masturbation as an important part of looking after themselves. 64 per cent of people said they used it as a form of self-care. 52 per cent said it improved their wellbeing by helping them unwind, improving their connection to their own bodies, bettering their self-image (‘if your body makes you feel good, you’re more likely to feel good about your body,’ Fox says), and assisting with peaceful sleep.
‘British respondents ranked masturbation as just below sleep but above listening to music or taking a hot bath as most effective in relieving stress,’ Fox says. ‘And a chilled out, confident person is more likely to make a happier, healthier partner.’
• Masturbation improves your confidence
The more you engage in physical stimulation, the more you train your body to want it and anticipate it, says Dr Shirin Lakhani, women’s intimate health expert and founder of Elite Aesthetics. ‘Your body essentially learns how to feel sexual pleasure and have an orgasm which can in turn have a significant impact on relationships and a person’s self-esteem and confidence.’
• Masturbation relieves pain
Masturbation ultimately leads to the release of neurotransmitters like serotonin, endorphins, and oxytocin which bring a feeling of calm as well as offering pain relief. Dr Lakhani says, ‘The resulting blood flow to the genitals is beneficial to the physical health too, and can have a positive impact on the tissue in the area.’
• Masturbation is really hot
Many people find the idea of their partner masturbating sexually arousing. Whether that’s when their partner is alone (and they then tell you about it), or in front of them, or while they also masturbate (known as mutual masturbation), it can be a really fun and sexy way to be intimate.
‘Masturbating next to each other is a joyfully hot part of mine and my partner’s sex life, and before we lived together we’d send each other videos and elaborate text descriptions of our wanks,’ says Jane*.
‘In addition to the erotic visual/aural thrill, it’s exciting to know I have my partner’s trust; that they feel sufficiently safe with me to embrace the inherent vulnerability intensifies the turn-on,’ says Aisha*.
‘Watching your partner masturbate is a great way to find out what they like,’ says Susannah*.
‘You get to really concentrate on the expression on their face as they lose control and THAT IS SO HOT!,’ says Eric*.
‘For me it’s about seeing someone get pleasure just the way they want it. I basically can’t get my partner to orgasm because of my disability, and sometimes that’s disheartening. When they jerk off it’s almost a more intimate experience because it feels more vulnerable,’ Ruth* says.
‘If I’m not feeling horny and my husband starts to masturbate, it’s not long before my juices are flowing and I’m ready to go,’ says Kate*.
How to enjoy mutual masturbation
you’ve previously been worried about your partner masturbating, but want to accept this is a good and healthy thing for them to do, it’s worth trying mutual masturbation. ‘Masturbating together, or in front of one another, can be a great way of learning about your partner’s sexual preferences, so you’re more likely to know how to deliver personalised pleasure to them in future,’ Fox says.
Here are two of Fox’s simple ways to masturbate together, one’s for the extroverts and one for the shyer among you:
1. Show ‘n’ tell
‘Masturbate in front of your partner, so they can learn precisely where and how you prefer to be stimulated from the ultimate expert – you! As well as being an educational exercise, this can be deeply erotic,’ says Fox. Here’s how:
✔️ Command your lover to sit on a chair facing the bed, then tell them that you’re going to put on a show – and you demand their close attention.
✔️ If dirty talk turns you both on, describe each move you make to give extra details: the spot you’re touching, the speed you’re going, whether you’re moving your fingers in circles or stroking up and down.
✔️ Get them to say out loud what they see, too. In addition to sounding seriously sexy, vocalising what you’re doing and what they’re viewing will help them learn more and commit it to memory, so they can put their lessons into action later.
2. Hide ‘n’ peek
Feeling nervous while masturbating together is totally natural, so if you’re feeling timid, ask them to watch you through a half-open door. ‘This helps some folks feel like they’re the only person in the room, so it’s easier to shrug off their inhibitions, and many “watchers” find the voyeurism of “spying” on their partner’s “private moment” hugely hot,’ Fox says.
Alternatively, have your partner sit behind you so you can’t see them watching. ‘Place their hands over yours, so they can feel exactly how you massage and caress yourself.’
*Names have been changed
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