Tag: Relationship Advice

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How sobriety changed my sex life

By Tracey Anne Duncan

“I can’t have sex with you,” I said. My date looked confused, and with good reason. We had done enough heavy petting that sex was definitely on the table. “It’s not you,” I added quickly. “You are unbelievably hot and I want to have sex with you. I’m trying to focus on my recovery.” She understood immediately. “I wondered about that,” she said, buttoning her blouse. She was also in recovery. “It’s okay,” she said. It felt good to say that I needed time, but it felt really hard to pass up on sex that I wanted to have. This was the first of my confusing adventures in sober sexuality.

Most people assume that sex after sobriety is probably boring at best, awkward and clunky at worst, but that it gets better with time. That’s what I assumed, too. But, in reality, it hasn’t been that straightforward. For me, sober sex has been a journey from celibacy to erotic epiphany to neurotic dry spell. And I am really, really, really hoping this isn’t how the story ends. “Death by dry spell” is not what I want on my tombstone.

Before I went into recovery for opioid addiction, I could have counted the number of times I had had sober sex on both hands. Also, before I got sober, I often used sex in unhealthy ways that had nothing to do with drugs. Sex was a way to escape both pain and routine. It was a way to feel okay about myself when self-acceptance seemed impossible. I don’t consider myself to be a sex addict, but I didn’t want to recreate any of those patterns in my new sober life, either.

And so I stayed celibate the first six months of my sobriety. This is a strategy that a lot of 12-step programs recommend to keep you from using sex and relationships as a way to escape from the discomfort of dealing with sober life. To be frank, those six months sucked. I developed a lot of fear that I had forgotten how to have sex or that sober sex would be boring and awkward.

But all of my assumptions about sober sex, and even my own awkwardness, turned out to be incorrect — at least at first. After my stint with celibacy, sex and dating felt like a magical revelation. Sober sex was amazing and nuanced. Because I had been doing a lot of deep personal work and had been practicing my ability to set healthy boundaries, I felt a lot more capable of communicating my desires and a lot more comfortable asking other folks to tell me theirs. Being sober — instead of making me awkward and boring — made me better able to tap into to all the feelings and sensations that make sex so much fun.

That lush revelatory feeling, unfortunately, was temporary. I’ve been sober 2.5 years and now it feels like sobriety is, actually, giving me sex anxiety. As of recently, all the self-awareness that felt amazing at first is starting to feel like crippling self-consciousness.

I guess I should have assumed that my sexuality would continue to evolve in tandem with my sobriety, but this is not the linear progress narrative that I expected. Now, it’s like I am working so hard to stay mindful that I’ve become borderline prudish, and I no longer have chemical courage to keep my ego bolstered.
In every sexual exchange, no matter how subtle, I am consumed with anxious thoughts. Do I look hot right now? How am I doing? Am I communicating enough? Too much? Should I move my hand? Why can’t I relax and enjoy this? WTF is wrong with me? This distressing ovethinking, no matter how shitty it feels, isn’t personal. Obsessive rumination, according to neuroscience, can be part of the process of recovery.

I am not the only one who’s experienced this flip-flop from sober sex epiphany to sober sex anxiety. “In my first few years sober, I could have sex with just about anyone,” Christopher Gerhart, an Alabama-based substance abuse counselor tells me. Yep, sounds familiar. Or rather, I don’t actually remember any of those people’s names and it’s not because I was drunk. There were just too many of them (hi mom, sorry about this). It was joyful and consensual play. “But the longer I remained sober, the more I had to pay attention to my inner voice,” Gerhart continues. Yes. That’s the voice constantly interrogating my make outs.

I ask Gerhart, only a little desperately, if his anxiety ever went away. “As I grow in sobriety that internal dialog becomes a more functional part of my mind. It allows me to feel empathy, compassion, grief, and connection both with others and myself,” Gerhart explains. His words give me comfort and his explanation is consistent with my experience. This anxious internal dialogue is then, perhaps, just part of the process of me learning to think clearly when I’m exchanging fluids with another human instead of running blind on adrenaline and booze.

Other people are real to me now in new ways and I expect intimacy to reflect this. Now when I connect with someone, I feel very very aware that I am a complex human and that they are another complex human. When you put my newfound sex anxiety in the context of becoming more complex and empathetic, maybe this new way that I’m thinking isn’t bad, but instead is evidence that I’m learning to connect more authentically.

“Sex involves vulnerability,” Asher Gottesman, mental health counselor and founder of Transcend Recovery Community, a sober living outpatient program operating in Los Angeles and Manhattan, who works with sex addicts. “But it’s never about the sex itself. It’s always about the internal messages that we have whenever we are in a vulnerable state.” He explains that inebriated people don’t hear those internal messages. So it’s not that my anxieties are necessarily new, it’s just that I am only now noticing them now that I am fully experiencing the world and other people as this new, and evolving, sober person.

All of this is a reassuring reminder that I am becoming the actually sensitive and caring person that I always wanted to be, which is great, but, um, I still want to get laid. So, what do I do about this very unsexy headspace I’ve found myself in?

“Be patient with yourself,” says Gottesman. That’s all? Just be patient? I’m thirsty for an action step (amongst other things). Gottesman suggests that I should probably talk these things out. “I wouldn’t necessarily speak out all your fears to a partner,” he continues. “Find someone else to talk to, whether it’s a trusted friend or a therapist. When you share your fears, you will often find you aren’t alone.” So it’s not that I necessarily need an extra therapy appointment, it’s just that sharing my experience with a comrade may help me feel better about it. “Friends also may be able to give you tips on how they have sex sober,” he adds. Fingers crossed that they also have intel on someone crush-worthy and a little patient.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Best BDSM Sex Positions, From Easy to Advanced

All you need is a scarf to get started.

By Gabrielle Kassel

In the middle of a sex session, your partner starts spanking your butt. Or they capture your wrists in one hand and hold them overhead. Or you tie a scarf across their eyes and order them to lie still and await your next move. So long as you both consent, these are all forms of a type of sex play called BDSM—or bondage, dominance/discipline, sadism, and masochism.

Thanks to the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise, people have a very skewed vision of what BDSM is, sex and relationship educator Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast, tells Health. Rather than a kinky and shadowy sex practice, BDSM is more about mutual pleasure-focused power and/or pain exchange. It puts one person in the dominant role and the other person becomes submissive; having total control can be arousing, and having no control can be as well.

“BDSM encompasses a wide range of sexual activities, but all activities are underscored by the consent of all parties involved and can part of a healthy and pleasurable sex life,” says Dr. Jess.

The best thing about giving BDSM a try (or exploring what you already know) is that you don’t need to learn a whole new set of sexual skills. “Almost any old sex position can kinked up with a prop like scarf, ice cub, a blindfold, or verbal exchange of power,” says Dr. Jess. Establish a safe word with your partner, set boundaries and limitations, and give these BDSM positions a go.

Tied to the bed missionary 

This modest missionary upgrade is the easiest way for beginners to get a taste of BDSM. Grab a scarf, then lie on your back with your arms stretched overhead. “If you have a headboard with slats or a four-poster bed, your partner can secure your hands to the bed with the scarf,” Gigi Engle, certified sex coach and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life, tells Health. Otherwise, they can use it to tie your hands together, she says.

Make sure two or more fingers can fit between your wrists and the fabric (so the scarf isn’t so tight it starts to hurt), then have your partner get on top of you, using only your body and voice to guide them. If it feels good to not have total control, keep going and enjoy the pleasure. If the idea of being tied up during sex freaks you out but you still want to sample that lack of control, keep your untied hands behind you and resist the urge to use them or even sit on them, suggests Engle.

Rough rider

This woman-on-top position kicks things up a notch in the pain department. “Fingernails, teeth, and toenails are a non-threatening way to introduce some pain and sensation play into the bedroom,” says Dr. Jess. Hop on top of your partner face to face, then get into a sexual rhythm that feels good.

As you ride, encourage your partner to run their nails up and down your inner thighs or across your breasts…or lean into them so they can nip your outer ear, nick, or nipples. Have them start off with just a slight pressure, then increase things to the point where you feel a little pain mixed in with the pleasure of getting closer to orgasm.

“Teeth and nails are great because your partner can vary the level of intensity—from barely there to deep enough to leave possessive marks on their body,” says Dr. Jess. (But if things start to hurt and you don’t like it, use your safe word to stop them.)

Oral without orgasm

This oral sex position involves you partner going down on you and working you up to the precipice of a big O…then dialing things down so you don’t actually climax. Also known as edging, it’s a BDSM sex move requiring no sex toys or accessories and is all about teasing your partner to the brink of orgasm but denying that release, Kait Scalisi, MPH, certified sex educator and founder of Passion by Kait, tells Health.

How to start: Lie on your back or belly, if you prefer getting oral from behind, and have them go down on you. Let them know you want them to bring you to the edge but not actually climax, and enjoy submitting to their control of your pleasure. (At some point you’ll need that release, but try to hold out as long as you can.)

Blind doggy

Blindfolds are the perfect BDSM prop. “The simple sensory deprivation creates a cauldron of erotic anticipation and will keep you guessing as to where your lover will plant your next kiss, lick, or spanking, says Dr. Jess, putting them in control. If you’re not ready to invest in an actual blindfold, a tie, stockings, or bandana are all good substitutes.

While blindfold sex can be hot in any position, Engle recommends trying it via doggy style. Climb onto the bed, then get into position on all fours. “Your partner will be able to tease and touch you from any direction, but you won’t be able to see them coming, which adds an anticipation and a stranger-danger element to the play…which can be very exciting,” she says.

Sensation-al spooning

“Sensation play” is about using different textures, temperatures, aromas, sounds, sights, flavors, and moisture levels to “arouse the brain and body in new ways,” says Dr. Jess. The props and toys you can use vary a lot but include “anything from fur, feathers, silk, satin, and cotton balls to leather, hot wax, water, and ice cubes,” says O’Reilly. The goal is to either dominate your partner sexually by driving them wild with these new sensations…or submitting to your partner’s control and the pleasure these new sensations bring to you.

After discussing props you’re both okay with and taking them into the bedroom, lie on your side in the spoon position—so you won’t see your partner but they have access to your front and back, depending on where they plan on teasing you. Await the sensations that are about to come, and enjoy. Whether it’s an ice cube running across your nipples or feathers teasing your vulva, you’ll start to feel shivery and excited. Then, turn the tables and surprise your partner with a whole different kind of sensation, and relish being dominant and in charge of their pleasure.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Sexual Past

Even if you’re an empowered woman, you might still be worried about this conversation. And that’s totally OK.

By Gigi Engle

Talking about your sexual history isn’t always a walk in the park. Frankly, it can be scary AF.

Maybe your so-called “number” is a bit “high,” maybe you’ve had a few threesomes, been with someone of the same sex, or are into BDSM. Or, maybe you’re worried about a lack of sexual experience, a past STI diagnosis, pregnancy scares, or an abortion you had a few years ago. Your sexual history is ultra-personal and often comes layered in emotions. Regardless of your experience, it’s a touchy subject. When you get down to the bones of it, you want to feel empowered, own your sexuality, and be a grown-ass woman who isn’t ashamed of any of her decisions…but you also want the person you’re with to respect and understand you. You know that the right person won’t judge you or be cruel, but it doesn’t make the fact that they might any less scary.

The thing is, you’ll probably need to have this conversation eventually—and it doesn’t have to turn out badly. Here’s how to talk to your partner about your sexual past in a way that is positive and beneficial for both of you (and your relationship). Hopefully, you’ll come out the other end closer as a result.

Why Is It So Hard to Talk About Sex?

Let’s talk a little bit about why it’s so scary to talk about sex in the first place; because knowing the “why” can help with the “how.” (Just like with fitness goals!)

“Sexual history is hard to talk about because most people were taught by their families, culture, and religion not to talk about it,” says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist.

If you can choose to reject those lessons of shame and impropriety, you’ll start to feel empowered and be able to step into yourself as a sexually liberated person. Of course, doing that isn’t a cakewalk; it takes a ton of internal growth and self-love. If you don’t feel like you’re there, the first thing to do is find a good therapist or a certified sex coach who can help guide you on this journey. Know that it’ll take commitment and work; with so much societal shame around sex, you’ll probably need a little outside assistance to help you get to where you want to go.

“When you start to understand that your sexual health is as important as your physical and mental health, you’ll hopefully feel empowered to speak up about what you want and need,” says Richmond. (See: How to Talk to Your Partner About Wanting More Sex)

From there, you’ll likely need to learn an entirely new set of communication skills in order to discuss sex because most people have never been accurately taught how to have these highly intimate conversations. “It’s very common to feel nervous about a subject that you aren’t used to expressing—especially verbally and to someone you’re starting to develop feelings for,” says Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist.

That’s why, even if you’ve embraced yourself as the sexual, fabulous goddess you are, talking about sex can still be scary. Being nervous about sex and being sexually empowered are not independent of one another; they can coexist inside the extremely complex human psyche, and that’s perfectly OK.

How to Have Conversations of Such a Sensitive Nature

Before you delve into talking about your sexual past, ask yourself what you’re trying to get out of this conversation: Is this something you need to disclose in order to attain emotional intimacy or in order to be yourself in this new relationship? “If you know why you’re starting the conversation, it’s easier to pick the right time to bring it up,” says D’Angelo.

Option 1: The whole conversation doesn’t need to happen right away, explains Moushumi Ghose, M.F.T., licensed sex therapist. “Drop a seed and see how the response goes,” she says. “Continue dropping seeds on a consistent basis to make sure you are keeping the conversation going—this allows room for [them] to ask questions.” Once someone begins asking questions, you can ease them into your sexual past without unleashing a tidal wave of information out of nowhere. For example, you could mention that a few years ago you and an ex-partner had a threesome; if they ask questions about the encounter, you might share more details and how you felt about that experience.

Option 2: Another way to approach the topic is by having a dedicated, sit-down conversation. Depending on what you want to share and your comfort level, you can decide if that feels right to you. If so, you’ll want to be in a safe space where the two of you can be vulnerable with each other (ex: at home, rather than in a crowded area where other people can listen in) and you may also want to give your partner a heads up so they can mentally prepare as well. “Let your partner know that you’d like to set some time aside to talk about your sexual histories,” suggests D’Angelo. “Share why you feel this would be an important conversation to have and let them prepare by giving them some things to think about before your scheduled time to talk.”

Relationship styles are different and the way you choose to have these conversations is subjective to your specific relationship. Regardless, get clear on what you’d feel OK revealing and go into the conversation with your head held high. (Related: This One Conversation Radically Changed My Sex Life for the Better)

“Also, make sure you’re also bringing your curiosity to your partner’s sexual history as well,” says D’Angelo. “Yes, you want them to understand you better but being curious about their sexual history will give them space to open up to you, too. That’s when deep intimacy starts to develop.”

At What Point In the Relationship Should You Bring It Up?

There’s widespread concern for not wanting to reveal “too much, too soon” in a relationship, and sexual history is just one of the things that fall under that umbrella.

However, before you ever have sex, it’s crucial that you discuss your sexual boundaries, STI testing, and safer-sex practices. Getting comfortable with this conversation first will set you up for having deeper, more in-depth conversations about your sexual past later. Plus, anyone who won’t disclose their STI information, use condoms, or gets cagey about your boundaries isn’t someone you want to have sex with—those should be non-negotiable and establish a level of mutual respect.

Talk about your sexual past when the conversation comes up naturally in the progression of the relationship—because it almost always comes up. At that point, you can “drop a seed” and ease into the topic, or you can decide to sit down and talk at a later time.

At the end of the day, being OK with your sexual history yourself is the most important thing of all, says Richmond. “Sure, there may be several experiences that you would love a do-over for, but making those mistakes is part of the human experience, and at the end of the day, quite irreplaceable in developing your sense of self.”

If you feel deeply shameful about anything in your past, consider talking to a therapist who can help you work through it; you may benefit from staying out of a sexual relationship until you’ve done some internal healing.

How to Talk It In a Way That Strengthens Your Bond

Of course, there’s the fear that sharing your sexual history might make you or your partner feel bad about a comparatively wild or not-so-wild past. This is a valid concern, and dismissing it doesn’t make it go away.

It’s common to feel inadequate, no matter what your experience level is—that’s the whole thing, everyone feels inadequate to their partner’s past lovers, even if only a tiny bit. “Why? Because every partner is different and has different tastes,” says Ghose. It’s easy to fall into the comparison trap and pit yourself up against “The Ex They Had a Threesome With” or “The Ex They Dated for 10 Years,” because humans are prone to self-sabotage. An ex can become this larger-than-life “sex god,” and it’s easy to fear you won’t live up to this (fictional) person. (Related: Is Being Friends with Your Ex Ever a Good Idea?)

The important thing is to remember that feelings of inadequacy go both ways. Open, honest communication can help. “Let your partner know you’ve healed or what you’ve learned about yourself over the years, and that they shouldn’t feel overwhelmed or inadequate,” says Richmond. “If you’re solid in your sexual self, but [are] always up to learn and experience more, then hopefully they’ll be up for that journey with you instead of getting in their head about what they think they can or can’t offer.”

Don’t make the conversation a “big reveal,” but rather about both of you and your different histories. D’Angelo suggests asking:

  • What have your past sexual experiences taught you about your sexuality?
  • Why is sex important to you?
  • What sexual challenges have you faced in your past?
  • How have your past sexual experiences shaped who you are today?

“By sharing these questions with them you’ll be giving them an opportunity to know what exactly you’re hoping to explore during this conversation,” she says. (You can also explore these questions by starting a sex journal to help reflect on your thoughts and feelings.)

If It Starts to Go South…

If you’re worried about your partner’s reaction or your own emotions, know that’s it’s helpful to preface that the conversation with an emphasis on empathy and being ~in it together~. When you come at it from a place of sharing, it can make the whole situation a bit more palatable and encourage you to grow closer verses come at the situation from opposing sides.

If something does go poorly or one person becomes judgmental or hurtful, the best thing to do is to say, “This is hurting me. What you’re saying is causing me distress. Can we put a pin in this?” Take a day to process, reflect, and consider what they said to you. Remember that these topics aren’t easy to talk about and these conversations can be emotionally overwhelming; there’s no need for either of you to feel guilty if you can’t just breeze past sensitive information. If you need to pause and pick it back up again, remember (and remind your partner) to be gentle with each other.

Note: You Don’t Have to Share Everything

This may sound a bit odd, but it’s not your responsibility to reveal everything about your past. Your STI status is one thing, as it pertains to your partner’s sexual safety, but that time you had an orgy isn’t necessarily something you need to reveal.

“There’s a difference between privacy and secrecy. Everyone is entitled to privacy, and if there are aspects of your sexual past that you want to keep private, that’s fine,” says Richmond. (Related: 5 Things You May Not Want to Tell Your Partner)

This isn’t about keeping secrets or holding onto shame. It’s about choosing to share the information you want to share. It’s your life and if you don’t want your partner to know about the sex club you went to in your early twenties, that’s your business. Maybe you’ll decide to share more details later down the road. Maybe you won’t. Either way is fine.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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50 Shades of Confusing:

When Older Adults Date

When seniors find love, their kids don’t always respond well.

By Anthony Cirillo

The divorce rate for people age 50 and up has doubled since the 1990s, in a time when divorce rates overall have fallen 18%. It appears that younger generations are contributing to that decline, marrying later when their career and finances warrant the commitment and being more selective in whom they marry. Of course, many millennials cohabit without the legalities of marriage, so the jury is out in terms of the stability of their overall relationships.

That said, boomers have given their kids one more thing to be infuriated about when mom and dad decide to divorce, start dating and – the horrors! – even have sex in their 50s and 60s. Living longer has caused many of these boomers to re-evaluate their lives. They’ve raised their kids, and now it’s their turn to have some fun … and “their” doesn’t necessarily include their partner. Plus, let’s face it: Women outlive men, so there are a lot of older women alone – and senior isolation is a real and dangerous thing.

Is Senior Dating Different Than Dating When You Were Younger?

The first two lines of the song “The Second Time Around” by Sammy Cahn and Jimmy Van Heusen state: “Love is lovelier the second time around, Just as wonderful with both feet on the ground.”

Perhaps the “both feet on the ground” is the key piece here. You’re older and supposedly wiser. Where you meet could change. I admit I met my wife at a nightclub. Caveat – I was in the band, and a friend brought her to see us play. Still, seniors returning to the dating scene probably won’t be hitting the nightclub. A different kind of club might be in order.

Joining groups where your interest matches others is a good place to start. These include: dance classes, art cafes, group theater excursions, senior gyms, special interest and hobby groups, senior trips and excursions. The point of any of these is to meet in a safe, public place. And perhaps it’s a sign of the times for anyone, but let others know where you’re going to be. (We’ll get to the kids in a second!) As for the first kiss and who picks up the check? Opinions differ. Follow your intuition.

So, What About Sex?

Well first, it’s a health issue. The earliest boomers came from the “free love” generation, the 60s. At a stage in life when many would expect sexually transmitted diseases to be waning, STD rates for those 55 and older have increased by 43%. Over the past several years, some 2.2 million Medicare recipients received free tests for sexually transmitted diseases, about the same as the number who received colonoscopies.

Many older adults didn’t get the safe-sex messages that younger generations received, so their condom use is lower. More seniors are living in retirement communities where there’s more socializing. As you age and your immune system weakens, fighting these diseases becomes harder. Add to that the availability and marketing of sex-enhancing drugs, and – well, you can see the issue.

Sex in the Nursing Home

Make no mistake, people are having sex in senior living. A survey of 250 residents in 15 Texas nursing homes found that 8% had sexual intercourse in the preceding month. And according to a study in Clinical Geriatrics, of 63 physically dependent nursing home residents, 90% said they had sexual thoughts, fantasies and dreams.

There are all kinds of implications with this, of course. Then add granny cams to the mix, and you can really complicate things. If someone is in a home, you have to pointedly ask how they handle relationships and sex.

Many nursing-home workers simply don’t look at the elderly as mature adults, but as children who must be policed out of fear of legal or medical repercussion. Most facilities do not train their staff to see residents as sexual beings.

Providers walk a fine line balancing person-centered care with risk management. Yet risk can be minimized with sensitivity and empathy toward resident needs. The Hebrew Home for the Aged in Riverdale, New York, is a national model, so I encourage you to see how they handle these issues.

But consider this true story: A son walked in on his 95-year-old father in bed with his 82-year-old girlfriend in an assisted living facility. Both had dementia. He went ballistic and removed his father from the home. After that, the woman stopped eating. She lost 21 pounds, was treated for depression and was hospitalized for dehydration. Clearly, for them, the relationship was real.

OK Boomer, What Will the Kids Think?

The knee-jerk response from me, a boomer, would be “get over it.” But it’s not that simple.

Understand where adult children are coming from first. The thought of mom or dad in a new relationship can be frightening – and maybe hurtful. Subliminally, kids might want to sabotage the relationship. And even when the children acknowledge their mom or dad’s right to date, they draw a mental line at marriage, which, in their mind, eliminates one parent from the equation entirely.

So as with most things, ease into a conversation. It’s natural to be curious about a parent’s partner. So ask. Maybe mom or dad has a history of being abused or taken advantage of, and the children want to protect them from heartache. In that case, intrusion is necessary.

Older adults are much more forthcoming than you might think. Keep in mind that the love of children and grandchildren can’t satisfy a person’s needs for love, romance and companionship.

A national poll reveals more than 3 out of 4 (79%) of adult children say telling their parents they’re taking away their car keys because they’re no longer fit to drive is the most uncomfortable conversation they could have. Talking to their parents about sex actually ranked third.

In a New York Times piece, Jake Maynard put things in perspective. At first appalled that his grandmother was marrying her former brother-in-law, he wrote, he eventually came to this realization: “I saw my grandmother and Bill not as old people seeking each other’s comfort or as old people at all, really. I saw them as newlyweds, love-struck and hopeful. I thought about how they both had lost love twice before and how they entered into this new love, at 80, knowing they would lose it again. And all at once, they seemed brave.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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On How To Create Your Sexual Potential

7 Lessons From A Sex Therapist

By Nan Wise, Ph.D, MSW, M.A., LCSW, CST

According to Canadian sexologist Peggy Kleinplatz, Ph.D., the vast majority of problems that bring people into sex therapy stem from what she calls the “North American sex script” that centers on having heterosexual intercourse with orgasms in all the right places, meaning, women should be experiencing orgasms reliably through sexual intercourse, which is actually not the case.

Even with additional clitoral stimulation, less than half of women (43%) report experiencing orgasm through intercourse 75% of the time. In other words, our cultural view of sexuality is narrow, limiting, and performance-oriented, favoring what does not appear to come naturally.

Inspired by Kleinplatz, I have gleaned seven lessons from my own research and work with clients. These lessons, or take-aways, offer an invitation to understand and explore yourself and your lover in a whole new dimension of sexual pleasure:

1. Do not judge your erotic self or the erotic experience.

Practice radical self-acceptance. Learn to love your body, exactly as it is. This is one of the biggest lessons, mentioned by nearly all of my participants. They also become curious about their own sexuality and went about exploring what turned them on. Learn to embrace your unique erotic fingerprint—whatever it is.

Let yourself be exactly as you are in the moment. And let the moment be exactly as it is. Sex is our willingness to be sexual beings, however that shows up. Remember first and foremost that good sex is about being present.

2. Tune in.

Shift your focus inward to listen closely to what you want and what your body yearns for. What are your fantasies? How do you like to be touched? Why not explore all areas of your body that can give you pleasure? Become keenly aware of what pleases you across the senses beyond touch—don’t forget about sounds and tastes. Are you interested in perhaps being more active when you tend to be receptive? More receptive when you’re usually more active? Making subtle shifts in your habitual roles may reveal new ways that you can be turned on.

Paying attention to sensations is key for pleasurable sex. If your mind wanders and starts to get into “spectatoring” mode—becoming goal-directed or self-conscious—simply notice that without judgment, letting those thoughts be exactly as they are while you bring your attention back to the senses. 

3. Be patient—about getting turned on.

When you want to have intercourse, for example, don’t begin until you and/or your partner are sufficiently aroused. Allow the sex to unfold without rushing into it. Although this advice may seem simplistic, it’s hugely important to experiencing the pleasure of sex. Slow down and savor the sensations. Let them build. Enjoy the journey without concern about the destination.

4. Stay connected to your partner.

You have a number of tools to use with your partner—to manage defenses, be an attentive and active listener, and be open to differences in erotic fingerprints or desire. Respect these differences and you will feel more connected. Often the best way to connect is actually going beyond words.

Look into your partner’s eyes and breathe with your partner while sitting silently. See the person in front of you, the being you fell in love with. Spoon your partner and hold them and synchronize your breath to synchronize your nervous systems. This actually works. We are like tuning forks and go into “cardiac” entrainment with lovers (and even our pets) when we settle into the connection. Good sex is connected sex.

5. Take risks.

We often feel hesitant to speak up with partners about parts of ourselves that we think they will judge or worry that if we tell them how we truly feel, we will hurt them. We tend to play it safe when in doubt. But another way to look at this is that there is a risk to not taking risks. If we don’t explore some of the scarier places with our partners, if we don’t explore the corners of our erotic selves, we tend to shut down and stagnate. And stagnation, itself, is dangerous to relationships.

Sexual potential unfolds when we bring all of ourselves into the mix. We are always, always shifting and changing and growing. Taking the risk to reveal how these changes affect us, our thoughts, our fears, our feelings, even our fantasies tends to revitalize the partnership.

6. Prioritize pleasure.

Allow sex to play a larger role in your life. Your work with your seven core emotions has paved the way for more keen awareness and insight into how and why pleasure is so important to your life, so allow sex to play a larger role. Make time for sex, expand your notion of what sex is, nurture it, and explore it. It’s a journey without an end.

7. Tolerate emotions and embrace the transformative nature of sex.

Because of the blend of emotional and physical drivers of sex, any type of sexual experience or activity has the capacity to stir up all kinds of emotions. One of the most important lessons for good sex and also good relationships, in general, is to learn how to more fully tolerate our feelings, other people’s feelings, and our feelings about other people’s feelings. And sometimes the most challenging feelings to tolerate, believe it or not, are intense feelings of pleasure—which for some can feel scarily out of control.

When we can learn to simply allow the feelings to be as they are, stay present to ourselves and to each other, the experiences we can have with and through sex can be truly healing and can revitalize our mind, body, and spirit. It is a tangible form of connection to others, a source of immune-boosting energy, and a vast reservoir for pleasure.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I Spent Five Years Talking to Women Across the U.S. About Pleasure and Desire.

Here’s What I Learned About Inequality in the Bedroom

By Katherine Rowland

In the fall of 2014, I stood in a crowded auditorium as a parade of women described to regulators at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration how their libidos had been whittled down to a fraction of their former power. For some it was a gradual decline. For others it was instantaneous, “like a switch that went off.” One woman lamented, “I don’t even think about sex.” Others spoke of how intimacy had become more a duty than a source of delight. “I am able to grit through it,” one woman said. Another: “I might not even want to have sex—but if he wants sex and I give it to him then, yes, I was a good wife today.”

The women were there to weigh in on whether female sexual dysfunction represents an unmet medical need. Their testimony, taken collectively, described the personal fallout of low desire which, along with related sexual concerns like difficulty reaching orgasm, experts estimate affect a quarter to a half of American women. Such complaints are commonly chalked up to female biology. However, as a journalist who spent five years talking with 120 women across the United States about their pleasure and desire, I rarely heard anyone say the main culprit was hormones, neurochemical balance or the biased stamp of evolution. Instead, the women I interviewed described how the greater culture had derailed their desire. Heterosexual women in particular shared that their partners routinely dismissed their pleasure or that they had themselves absorbed the idea that it was a lesser priority. What emerged was that a lack of sexual entitlement—much like the pay gap, the glass ceiling and the countless other ways women are systematically held back—diminished what they received and what they felt they could rightly claim in their lives.

These dynamics pervade women’s intimate relationships, contributing to well-documented struggles like orgasm disparities, chore-like sex, unenthusiastic consent and ubiquitous pretending. Moreover, they inform how women physically feel. The sole purpose of the clitoris, so far as science can surmise, is to confer pleasure on its owner. And yet, possession of this uniquely dedicated organ is no guarantor of delight, or even sensation. Numerous women told me they felt numb and disconnected—a lack of sensation that is especially poignant in an era when the control of their bodies so often comes into question. As one woman put it, “My genitals feel dead.”

Among the women I interviewed, direct experience or close knowledge of sexual trauma was a persistent undercurrent, and some women attributed their dimmed sensation to prior episodes of harm or to feeling objectified, inappropriately sexualized and socially unsafe. Numerous women also relayed that they were too caught up in their heads to register what was happening in their bodies. Distracted in the extreme, they were surveilling their performance, critiquing their physique, hastening an encounter to an abrupt conclusion or fixedly tending to their partners’ pleasure at the expense of their own. In those encounters, an intimate touch was no more arousing than a tap on the elbow.

Contemporary researchers use the term sexual concordance to describe the extent to which mind and body, or subjective report and genitals, are in sync. Studies using graphic sexual images have shown that men react bodily and report that they are most aroused by stimuli that conforms to their sexual orientation. Queer women also display a specific response, reacting most positively to images of other women. But heterosexual women are all over the place. Physiologically, they react to couples, men, women, even scenes of copulating bonobo apes. But when asked whether they find these images arousing, they state that they’re unmoved.

Meredith Chivers of Queen’s University in Ontario, a leading expert in this field, told me, “We continually underestimate women’s sexuality.” Yet she cautioned against concluding that women’s genital reactions are a truer marker of sexual interest than their verbal accounts. A pressing question for her is why heterosexual women display seemingly indiscriminate patterns of arousal and yet do not consciously detect that they’re being turned on. One possible explanation, she says, is that reward patterns our behavior: we desire certain things because we associate them with pleasure. For lesbian women, sexual intercourse is more consistently associated with orgasm and gratification, and so images of other women will activate a clear positive response. But for many heterosexual women, the status quo has left them underwhelmed, and there is no reinforcement of pleasure one way or another. Penetrative sex results in orgasm for only a minority of women, and for some, who equate it with, say, pain, guilt or obligation, it may spark outright aversion.

Chivers is not the first to note the tension between women’s capacity for sensuality and their actual enjoyment. A half-century ago, pioneering researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson documented women’s sexual athleticism, stating that the range and depth of their pleasure “infinitely surpasses that of man.” However, they also found that women internalized “prevailing psychosocial influences,” like the sexual double standard or the equation of desire with impurity, that might interfere with their sexual response. Anthropologists have similarly observed that in cultures that expect women to enjoy sex as much as men do, women have regular orgasms, whereas cultures that question the propriety of female pleasure are home to greater sexual difficulties. If the climate doesn’t cloak female pleasure in shame or mystery, or cast it as second rate, it may lie within easier reach.

Fortunately, these findings suggest that erotic potential is not etched in stone and women can become proficient in experiencing progressive states of pleasure. Among the women I spoke to, great sex was not a matter of mastering a particular technique or communicative style. In fact, it was not about what women did so much as how they did it, and for many that required unlearning what they thought sex and love were supposed to look like. Desire lay on the other side of giving up their freighted assumptions.

For one married lawyer, who for decades assumed she was “frigid,” kindling eroticism was a process of claiming the freedom to do as she pleased in her intimate life, which eventually meant having consensual relationships with men other than her husband. “It didn’t happen overnight. It was a bit of a roller coaster,” she said of prising open her monogamous partnership. “It takes time to feel you have the space to do whatever you want, to create whatever relationship structure you want, to have whatever kind of sex you want. And then, oh my God, it’s like the bottom drops out.” For another woman in her late 20s, experiencing desire meant drawing new boundaries. Raised to believe that she should make herself available and pleasing, she came to equate intimacy with allowing her body to be relentlessly accessed. After working with a sex coach, she gradually felt empowered to say, “I don’t want to be touched anywhere,” and to stop viewing sex as a grudging performance for her partner’s benefit. Through learning to say no, she was able to eventually start saying yes.

For the women I interviewed, low desire rarely stemmed from a medical malady or a psychological condition. Rather, it was often a healthy response to quietly unwanted or lusterless sex. My conversations revealed that persistent sexual dissatisfaction is a sign that many women do not feel free to enjoy their sexuality, or know how to do so, and so engage in activities that are not necessarily inclusive of their pleasure. If women struggle in overwhelming numbers to inhabit their own bodies, it is a measure of feeling, or being made to feel, undeserving or less than. As dire as this sounds, it is also cause for hope. It’s far harder to rewire biology than it is to alter belief. While their paths to sexual healing varied, the women I spoke to made plain that satisfaction was rooted in their social power, in being entitled to explore and express their sexuality and in feeling equal to their partners. Pleasure and its value can be learned, and once learned, are not readily relinquished.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is edge play?

Everything you need to know about the high-risk kink

Professionals explain consent and more.

By Ana Valens

Chances are you’ve heard the term “edge play” before, either while browsing a BDSM guide or chatting with a friend about Domination and submission. Like many kink terms, it has taboo energy to it. You aren’t supposed to mess with stuff on the edge, right? But that’s what makes it so fun!

Let’s say you’re familiar with what edge play entails, but you don’t know where to start. The Daily Dot interviewed two professional dominants who clued us in with unique considerations that arise when negotiating edge play scenes with their clients.

What is edge play?

Defining edge play is complicated, in part because it’s so specific to each partner’s interests, limits, and boundaries. In The New Topping Book, Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy describe the edge as “wherever things start to feel risky, where you start to feel vulnerable, the edge of the cliff that looks over your personal abyss.” This can look like “playing on the edge of [one’s] skill and knowledge,” although Easton and Hardy also talk about “shadow play.” This is a form of BDSM where “we find acceptance for emotions and behaviors that would be unacceptable outside scene space.”

Edge play can play with both of these things. But everyone’s relationship with the kink varies, including what they are (and aren’t) willing to doing at their edge.

“What constitutes edge play is different for everyone. I consider edge play to be play that occurs at the edge of what one can bear. Play where there is enough trust to push past what is comfortable creates the possibility of a new outcome,” Mistress Blunt, a professional dominatrix based in New York City, told the Daily Dot.

Arizona-based, nonbinary professional dominatrix Domina Elle stressed there’s some “confusion” around the name edge play, as not all edge play necessarily involves “edgy” and “controversial” kinks, let alone “literal sharp objects.” Instead, edge play is “as broad as the number of kinks that exist today.”

“What constitutes edge play is largely subjective,” she told the Daily Dot, “but most of the time playing with a person’s edges simply refers to consensually pushing an individual person’s boundaries or limits.”

What are examples of edge play?

Edge play is ultimately defined by its practitioners, but there are some common topics that regularly appear. Domina Elle says she commonly works with themes around “expression of sexual orientation, pain tolerance, germophobia, fear of kidnapping, fear of public humiliation, fear of sexual harrasment/assault, and fear of death.”

Some additional kinks that may appear on dominants’ and submissives’ edges include:

Of course, one person’s edge may be another person’s Saturday night D/s session.

“My own experience with edge play is complicated. I push people’s boundaries all the time, but I never cross limits. I explore dangerous forms of play on a regular basis, but I recognize and respect the danger for what it is,” Domina Elle said. “It is my job to do my research in advance, communicate risk as effectively as possible, negotiate consent, listen for withdrawal (or nullification) of consent, know what to do when something goes wrong, and to listen to my gut when I do not feel comfortable providing a certain type of experience for any reason.”

Because “edge play” is a subjective umbrella, some forms of play require extensive negotiation between practitioners. This can include “intense preparation” with days to years of “negotiation and planning,” Domina Elle said. Additionally, creating a safety plan and providing plenty of aftercare (“going beyond basic first aid, giving affection as appropriate, taking time away from work”) are all important.

“Before each appointment, a submissive and I do a consultation where we talk about our interests and limits for the day … My scenes only ever consist of the mutual interests that are shared between both my sub and myself,” Domina Elle said. “If a sub brings something up in consult that I am uncomfortable with, I disclose that right away. If it comes up later during session (usually meaning a sub does something against or without asking for my consent), then I have to find a tactful way to protect myself depending on the circumstances.”

What do I need to know before doing edge play?

If it isn’t clear by now, edge play is a risky undertaking. Then again, BDSM is fundamentally dangerous in its own right. Acknowledging that from the start is part of practicing risk-aware consensual kink (RACK). In RACK, all parties know that play may be dangerous, but they are fully aware of the circumstances and are agreeing to them.

“Edge play is not safe. In the same way that the only true wisdom is knowing we know nothing; the only true way to play safely in BDSM is to know that nothing is safe. Choking, fire play, rope bondage, gun play, etc. all have their best practices written in blood,” Domina Elle said. “That being said, freedom and autonomy is more important to me than safety. That is why I practice risk aware consensual kink.”

Domina Elle said empathy is a core component to any form of ethical domination, along with “respect, mercy, and a fierce willingness to admit when you are wrong or don’t know what you are doing.” However, Domina Elle stressed that edge play isn’t defined by neurotypical dominants’ experiences. She said that as an autistic professional dominatrix who does not understand most social cues, BDSM allows her by nature to “break social norms, and shape the circumstances to help me gather information about how a submissive is feeling.”

“Edge play is definitely more about empathy, knowing your subject, and understanding the specific type of play you’re about to engage in than prior practice and advanced skills,” Domina Elle said. “Not all forms of edge play have different levels that can be practiced, not to mention mastered, in advance.”

A medical background, reading comprehension, and good communication skills are all ideal, as are practicing the specific skills required for your edge play scene. Domina Elle also suggests these best practices for edge play practitioners:

    • Ask yourself why you are considering playing with a person’s edge
    • Examine whether this type of play falls within your system of ethics
    • Get educated on the type of play you decide to engage with
    • Negotiate with your scene partner(s) at least 24 hours in advance
    • Use a safe word within the scene.

Mistress Blunt agreed that edge play’s most important qualities are “having intuition, attunement, and communication,” and that it’s incredibly important to know yourself, including what your edges are and your role as a top or a bottom. That includes dominants, too. While most kink advice revolves around the submissive’s safety, doms also have their own edge along with boundaries, feelings, desires, and a need for aftercare after certain scenes.

“Know if you want to explore those edges, if pushing feels good, cathartic, and empowering,” she said. “Some questions I ask folks I play with is if they feel comfortable saying no and stopping or redirecting a scene. Most people say yes, but I use how they say yes as my gauge. I also ask most play partners that if one of us fucks up, if they feel comfortable talking about it after. I don’t think assuming best intentions is always safe, but I try not to play with people who I don’t have that understanding with.”

Technical skills, such as proper rope tying procedures or knife play techniques, are still important, and their necessity during particularly high-risk scenarios cannot be overstated. “Most people don’t exercise those skills as often as they could. These skills are cultivated over time,” Mistress Blunt explained. “These skills are built within individual relationships and don’t necessarily translate to every relationship.”As for newcomers interested in edge play, Domina Elle has strong words of advice: “Take it slowly and take it seriously.”

“There is no need to rush,” she told the Daily Dot. “It is super reasonable to be nervous having your edges pushed, or even playing with another person’s limits. It can be just as rewarding as it can be devastating. Give it the respect it deserves. Listen to your gut instincts.”

So go ahead and explore your edge. Just make sure you and your partner(s) are on the same page, and be honest with yourself if you’re not ready. Your edge can wait for you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to start dominating in the bedroom,

according to a professional dominatrix

By Lindsay Goldwert

  • Deciding to be dominant in the bedroom often means subverting traditional gender roles.
  • Professional dominatrixes see that all sorts of people want to be dominated.
  • You don’t need to invest in handcuffs, whips, or ropes to get started. All you need are your words, according to Mistress Ava Zhang, a New York City-based professional dominatrix. 

Not all of us have leadership roles at work, but at some point, we’ve given an order.

We’ve told someone where to sit, where to hang their coat, to stop talking and listen. We’ve asked people to bring napkins to our parties, to pick up groceries on the way home, to turn down the thermostat.

You may not consider yourself a sexually dominant person, but you’ve probably made things happen by asking for what you want. Have you ever texted someone “come over tonight ;)” and had them show up at your door ten minutes later? Said “kiss me” and then found yourself kissed?

Yet the idea of being dominant in the bedroom, especially for women, can still seem strange since it goes against everything we’re taught. We must be fair, things must be equal, we must take care of the other person, we must make sure everyone else’s needs are met before ours.

Being dominant in bed doesn’t just mean being on top. It means knowing why you’re there and being bold about pursuing your pleasure.

Professional dominatrixes are the first to scoff at the idea that all men enjoy being dominant in bed and all women enjoy being submissive. They see firsthand that all sorts of people long to be taken out of the driver’s seat.

Here’s how to reexamine the idea of taking control in bedroom, putting the power dynamic in your favor.

Dominating isn’t the same as being cruel or mean

“One of the most common misconceptions surrounding a woman taking a dominant role is the assumption that she needs to be a display cruel behavior towards others, for the sake of her own gain or pleasure, and without consideration for their safety or well-being,” said Mistress Ava Zhang, a New York City-based professional dominatrix. “That is not dominance but rather narcissism bordering on sociopathy.”

Taking the lead in bed doesn’t mean being a sadist or demeaning your partner. It doesn’t mean you have to change who you are. You’re simply connecting with a powerful side of yourself that was always there, and sharing it with a person who wants to make you happy. It’s about closeness and connection, not cruelty.

“The culture of BDSM is heavily rooted in ethics, empathy, and consent,” said Zhang. “The one who assumes the dominant role need not force others to submit, but inspires them to do so by first and foremost displaying compassion and understanding as befitting a moral person.”

You need to understand yourself before you can take on a dominant role

The first step to taking on a more dominant role is to figure out what turns you on. This is easier said than done. We may be ashamed of our desires, we may worry that our partner will laugh or be disgusted by them.

But there’s a reason why the Fifty Shades of Grey books and films were so successful. People were able to point to something on a page and say, “That’s hot.” And then show it to their partner.

Think about scenes in movies and books that have turned you on, and ask yourself why. It may make you feel weird at first, but it’s normal to ask yourself if your desires are normal. It’s up to you to accept them as part of who you are and make the next move.

Great sex starts with communication

Taking cues from mainstream media can also have a downside. Great sex in the movies is often led by the man, or else it’s a magically equal exchange where all the parties seem to intuitively know what the other wants.

Now that’s fantasy.

The reality is that great sex is born of great communication, but it can be hard to wants to talk about what you want. Someone has to take the lead. It should be you.

Taking the dominant position with a partner requires the ability to articulate what you want, explain what pleases you, and why.

“Two of the most important lessons I have learned in my time as a professional dominatrix is to know myself, and to communicate what I want to others. Taking a more dominant role means first having a command and understanding of oneself,” said Zhang.

You don’t need to invest in handcuffs, whips, or ropes

Yes, the things we see on television and the movies can inspire our sexiest thoughts, but they can also be intimidating and stop you from giving things a try.

Being dominant in the bedroom doesn’t mean you have to invest in kinky gear, like handcuffs, whips, and rope. They’re symbolic props.

For example, you can use your words to tell your partner not to move. Handcuffs may just provide an extra layer to the experience.

“Begin with some universal concepts by asking your partner if she or he is enticed by the following: being teased, delayed gratification, the freedom from not having to decide/think, or simply just giving you pleasure,” said Zhang. These ideas can inspire any number of playful activities.”

It’s normal to struggle with outdated attitudes about sexual roles

We’re all prisoners of our upbringings. We have ideas of what people are supposed to do in bed. Even if we think of ourselves as progressive, we may still be dogged by out-of-date attitudes about sexual roles.

It’s up to you to examine why you believe that sex has to be a certain way. If it makes you feel good, great. But if you’re unsatisfied and afraid that your fantasies disrupt your ideas about gender roles in bed, you need to stop and think.

“The mind is the sex organ and all it really takes to be dominant is assuming the right attitude,” said Zhang. “And remember, a willing and open-minded partner will want to please you.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Seven factors that influence sexual consent

By Valeria Escobar

Through over 150 interviews spanning five years, two Columbia researchers have tried to “pull back the curtain” on the sex lives of Columbia undergraduates. As concerns around sexual assault have become a central part of the undergraduate student experience, during which as many as one in three women and almost one in six men will report being sexually assaulted, the researchers sought to find the factors of college living that enable these acts and the ways in which colleges can best prevent them in the future.

Last week, Jennifer Hirsch, professor of sociomedical sciences at the Mailman School of Public Health, and Shamus Khan, chair of the department of sociology, released the culmination of their work in their book, “Sexual Citizens: A Landmark Study of Sex, Power, and Assault on Campus.” Through their work, Hirsch and Khan argued for a need to reevaluate popular notions about consent to empower students to feel as though they have the right to choose their sexual experiences.

To begin their book launch, Hirsch and Khan participated in a panel at the Forum on Columbia’s Manhattanville campus, where they discussed the scope of their project to an audience of hundreds of students and faculty.

“The thing that complicated consent for us was that people consented to sex that they didn’t want to have and people had sex that they wanted to have without ever consenting to that sex,” Khan said.

“Consent education thinks fundamentally not about the moment of transaction between two people in the presence of the ‘yes’ or the expression or affirmation, but tries to understand bringing that social world into that moment,” he added.

Hirsch and Khan’s publication follows the 2018 findings from the Sexual Health Initiative to Foster Transformation tam, which noted that race, gender, and class play significant roles in shaping students’ experiences with consent. In interviews with Spectator, students noted that these factors contribute to their complicated experience with consent, which the straightforward “yes means yes” model that is taught during the New Student Orientation Program fails to address.

At the panel, Hirsch and Khan highlighted among these factors the “Seven Dimensions of Consent”—““gendered heterosexual scripts,” “sexual citizenship,” “intersectionality,” “men’s fears,” “alcohol,” “peer groups,” and “spatial/temporal factors”—as wrinkles that have yet to be ironed out by the affirmative consent model.

Gendered Heterosexual Scripts:

In heterosexual sexual encounters, the male-identifying partner is traditionally expected to ask for consent, affirming the idea that masculinity is associated with “unceasing sexual desire.” According to their findings, this expectation has reinforced the expectation for men to ask for rather than provide consent, making it difficult for men to recognize their own experiences as nonconsensual.

The book recounts the story of Boutros, a pseudonym for a student, who was leaving a pub crawl in Edinburgh when a woman undressed and groped him, even after he repeatedly asked her to leave him alone. The account of the story became very muddled, the researchers wrote, as he hesitated over his words.

“Come on, a girl can’t really sexually assault a guy,” Boutros told the researchers, noting that he would never “sue her” or seek compensations. “Unless I get grievous bodily harm or come to serious financial detriment.”

Sexual Citizenship:

Personal experiences, including childhood, sexual education, and interactions with family and peers inform one’s right to determine one’s own sexual involvement, according to the researchers. Khan said that sexual citizenship is more than having the “right to say yes or no” due to differing conceptions of social responsibilities; rather, he emphasized, it entails engaging both partners’ personal desires.

Adele Chi, BC ’22, told Spectator in a 2018 interview that she received a comprehensive affirmative consent education at her private high school, which allowed her to feel more confident in making decisions about her personal experiences with sex and consent in college.

“When I walk into [a] frat house, I don’t think, ‘Oh, I am setting myself up automatically to enter into a sexual relationship.’ It is my own free will, and I am my own person. I don’t feel like women should feel like their bodies are entitled to other guys, even if [they] enter into an environment where it welcomes that sexual context to happen,” she said.

Intersectionality:

Factors such as differences in race and ethnicity, physical strength, social status, and age further complicate consent. These differences, which are indicative of social inequalities, contribute to a fear of physical intimacy, according to the researchers, who highlighted the importance of underscoring social inequalities that contribute to sexual assault.

“Sex is not a cognitive behavior, it’s not a health behavior, it’s a social behavior,” Hirsch said. “You can’t understand what people are trying to do when they are having sex without understanding the world [around them].”

Gender and race are both factors that affect people’s ability to contest or request sexual encounters. Additionally, Hirsch noted in the discussion that every single black woman who spoke to the researchers had experienced unwanted sexual contact.

“If you’re thinking of sexual assault prevention, you have to also think about racial justice,” she added.

Men’s Fears:

Men worry that there is a gap between actual consent practices and the legal standard that they were taught. While there is no evidence to suggest that false accusations are common, men still largely fear the possibility of being accused because they are usually responsible for obtaining consent.

The paper emphasizes the fear on the part of students of color, and particularly black men, who have an “intense awareness of racialized risk of sexual assault accusations.” Harvard Law School professor Jeannie Suk Gersen attributes this notion to the impact of “overcriminalization, mass incarceration, and law enforcement bias” that disproportionately penalizes racial minorities.

Alcohol:

During the panel discussion, Khan raised the question of why alcohol and sexual activity are so commonly paired; Hirsch noted that “people get drunk in order to have sex” to avoid the awkwardness that arises from social interactions that limit sexual opportunities. Their work notes that although one can’t give consent while intoxicated, drunk sex is a normalized part of the college experience.

“If you view sex as something that is so shameful or you’re so afraid of that you can’t do it until you get really drunk, we need to ask ourselves why is it the case that we are relating to sex in [through sex],” Khan said.

A number of high-profile cases of college sexual assault have recently involved intoxication, leading the two researchers to examine alcohol as an important component in the discussion of sexual assault prevention.

However, Khan also noted that many incidents of sexual assault occur when people are sober, so looking to alcohol as a major contributor of sexual assault “isn’t going to get us very close” to understanding the complexities of consent.

Peer Groups:

Students’ lives are centralized around peer communities that maintain an identity through group harmony and a collective reputation. As such, peer groups can facilitate sexual interactions that will benefit the standing of the group, the researchers emphasized. However, members of these groups may also downplay instances of assault so as not to cause a disruption in the community’s cohesion.

While the peer group benefits from a student’s decision to engage in a sexual encounter or avoid labeling an incident as “assault,” the student consequently sees their sexual partner only as a means of social leverage rather than as a result of personal desires.

“Part of the idea of sexual citizenship is not just if you have the right to say yes or say no but that you treat the other person that you’re active with like they’re a human being and not a sex toy,” Hirsch said.

Spatial/Temporal Factors:

The urban setting of Columbia causes a divergence from the quintessential New England college campus; space is limited, and the University is not the most prominent feature of its city. Space and time are noted as contributors to “implied” consent throughout their research; in certain “sexually charged” places and at certain times, such as party spaces and bars, sexual activity is an essential component of the experience for students.

Most recently, Columbia researchers at the Society for Applied Anthropology suggested that there are specific times within the calendar year, relationship stage, and span of the sexual interaction when a person establishes expectations for their partner and limits the ability to refuse consent. Students perceive an invitation to a fraternity formal, a long-term relationship, and an encounter organized through a dating app as temporal factors that indicate consent.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can You Orgasm Without A Partner?

Here’s How To Have A Pleasure Party For One

By Griffin Wynne

Though sex can be a multiplayer game, there’s a lot to be said for getting it on with your bad self. Whether you charge up your favorite toy or prefer to get your own hands dirty, knowing how to orgasm without a partner can be a total game-changer.

“Each body is equipped for pleasure all on its own,” Brianne McGuire, host of the Sex Communication podcast, tells Elite Daily. “For those struggling to reach orgasm, the absence of pressure and observation [from partnered sex] often allows for great success.”

As McGuire shares, masturbating, or bringing yourself to orgasm, can allow you to learn about your own erogenous zones and “unique pleasure points” at a pace that’s comfortable and enjoyable for you. When you’re not worrying about being in tune with a partner or trying to arouse someone else, you can turn all your attention to yourself, and really learn about your body.

“[Orgasming without a partner] is a great way to reduce stress, connect with your body, and feel pleasure that’s in your control,” Kayna Cassard, sex therapist and founder of Intuitive Sensuality, tells Elite Daily. “When you know what makes you feel good and orgasm, you can better explore and reach orgasm with your partner.”

While some people may reach orgasm by stimulating their genitals, Lola Jean, sex educator and mental health professional, shares that because everybody is different, orgasms look and feel different for everyone. “There are prostate orgasms, penile orgasms, breath orgasms, skin orgasms, clitoral orgasms, [and] cervical orgasms which can be induced manual or via the vagus nerve,” Jean says.

For Dr. Christopher Ryan Jones, sex and relationships therapist, experimenting with different sensations on different parts of your body is a great way to understand yourself more. “I highly recommend that everyone experiments with different erogenous zones on their body (nipples, genitals, anus, etc. ) using their hands and adult toys,” Dr. Jones tells Elite Daily. “This is a fantastic way to explore and understand your body, which is really important so that you can communicate your likes and dislikes with your partner later on and increase both partners’ satisfaction in the bedroom.”

Jean adds that while it’s possible to orgasm from directly stimulating these locations, it’s also possible to reach the big O from indirect touching. “You can achieve a G-spot orgasm via accessing it through the anal canal. You can have a blended orgasm — prostate and penile, or g-spot and external clitoris. There are so many ways to experience pleasure that we tend to limit ourselves by receding the definition down to one or two things,” Jean says.

Additionally, Cassard shares that some orgasms don’t need physical stimulation at all. “For all kinds of people, there can be the ability to have energetic orgasms or orgasms that typically come through breathwork, meditation, and the right mindset without even touching the genitals,” Cassard says. In addition to breathing and meditating, Jean suggests listening to guided masturbation tracks and imagining different sexual fantasies in our brains or visual stimulation.

All of the experts suggest exploring your own body and seeing what feels right for you. “Getting to know your body through touch is the easiest path to solo orgasm,” McGuire says. “If visuals help get your blood flowing, then pull out some porn or whatever turns you on and begin there. Toys are extremely helpful, and there are many options — try external and internal toys, even a combination of the two, and find what works best for you.”

In addition to finding what toys work for you and incorporating porn or other erotic media, Cassard suggests using different props or stimuli, like a showerhead or a couch cushion. “[You can orgasm by yourself] in a lot of the same ways that you orgasm with a partner,” Cassard says. “Lying down with your back on the bed or couch stimulating the genitals, facing downward ‘humping’ a pillow or rolled-up towel, in the shower with a water-safe toy or with the showerhead directly on the clitoris — [there are ] so many ways!”

Of course, no matter what road to take to the big O, it’s important to listen to your own body. “The most important thing being to listen to your body, be patient, and don’t emulate what you think you’re ‘supposed’ to do,” Jean says. Though orgasming may look a certain way in movies or on TV, Jean shares the importance of learning your own orgasm. Cassard also urges you to keep an open mind as you learn about your body. “Notice the places in your body that feel neutral or pleasant to help you stay out of your head and in the pleasure,” Cassard says. “Explore! Have fun with it!”

While you may enjoy the connection and intimacy from partnered sex (which, BTW, is totally cool), Jean shares that it can still be important to take some time to get it on with yourself, even when you’re seeing someone. “It is often easier and potentially faster to orgasm by one’s self,” Jean says. “You can adjust based on your own feeling without having to communicate that to someone else.” Though you may love nothing more than getting it on with your partner, it’s always OK to want some one-on-one time as well.

From using a toy to touching yourself with yourself, knowing how to make yourself orgasm can be super empowering. Though it may take two to tango, it only takes one to reach the big O.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Real Orgasms And Transcendent Pleasure:

How Women Are Reigniting Desire

By Malaka Gharib

How can more women allow themselves to experience sexual pleasure?

That’s one of the central questions in The Pleasure Gap: American Women and the Unfinished Sexual Revolution, a book published this month by public health researcher and journalist Katherine Rowland.

Rowland explores why American women aren’t happy with their sex lives — and what they can do about it. A landmark study from 1999 found that over 40% of women surveyed experienced sexual dysfunction — the inability to feel satisfied by sex. A contributing factor, noted the researchers, was the lasting psychological effects of sexual trauma.

The Pleasure Gap
American Women & the Unfinished Sexual Revolution
by Katherine Rowland

The Pleasure Gap highlights how desire and the mind are linked for women. “Pleasure is inextricable from our social status, compressed and constrained by financial factors, by safety factors, by objectification,” she says. We need to remove these barriers, she says, to experience sex with the “full freedom, expression, range and truth that we’re endowed with.”

Rowland argues that it is possible for women to take charge and reignite their libidos. She talked to NPR about why fake orgasms are a cause for alarm, how much sex couples should have per week and “sexological bodywork.”

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

You take issue with some of the research that tries to quantify sexual frequency and the idea that once a week may be the “optimal” amount. So how much sex should we be having?

Our national obsession with sexual frequency and the terrifying specter of dead bedrooms overrides the fundamental importance of sexual quality. There is no volume of sex that’s more or less good.

For whatever reason, researchers have embraced this idea that we should be having sex once a week — that it’s enough to sustain relationships and that it keeps depression, heart disease and obesity at bay.

But none of that research looks at how participants actually feel about that sex — other than feeling good that they can check the box for having done it.

You interviewed more than 120 women for this book. Many in heterosexual, long-term relationships told you that sex was an act of drudgery and that they often did whatever it took to get the job done. This felt sad to me.

I found myself feeling beaten down by the near ubiquity of stories of faking it in that context.

We tend to treat faking it as such a jokey matter. When the media reports on studies that try and capture the percentage of women who fake orgasm during sex, it tends to be from a male perspective saying “ouch” — focusing more on the bruising of men’s feelings that occurs when women are lying to them as opposed to concerns surrounding the fact that women aren’t feeling good.

That women are feigning their pleasure in order to hasten that experience along — I think we need to treat that with real alarm. We need to ask: What’s going on in that women are engaging in spectacle as opposed to actually allowing themselves to feel sensation?

Your book explores how some women have a low desire for sex. How does this happen?

Among the women who I spoke to, the persistent low desire was heavily associated with the idea that sex should revolve around penetration as the main course, with maybe a polite prelude of a foreplay, rather than thinking about sex as a broader universe of intimacy.

It’s the combination of a larger culture that privileges male sexuality over women’s, a culture that doesn’t teach women that pleasure belongs to them. A lack of anatomical self-knowledge. And feelings of sort of persistent danger and women being often censored and censured for expressing their desire.

You push back against the idea that the female orgasm is mysterious and elusive, which is how the media has sometimes described it. What would be a more accurate way to understand the female orgasm?

It’s more like riding a bicycle. You learn how to do it. And what we see is that as women become more versed with what their body can do, orgasm becomes more readily achievable.

The female orgasm tends to get wrapped up in these fuzzy terms like “elusive” and “hazy” and “mysterious” because women aren’t encouraged to explore what actually feels good. But if they were encouraged to self-pleasure and explore in real, sincere ways by themselves and with their partners, I think they would find that there is a world of pleasurable sensation available to them.

In your book, you say that the goal is for women to have a “profound sexual experience.” What do you mean by that?

It can mean a number of things, and I don’t think it necessarily has to be a sexual encounter in terms of our often narrow understanding of sex. The women who I spoke to describe it to me as feelings of transcendence, of approaching sex not just as a way for getting off or feeling good, but as a portal into a deeper state of self-knowledge.

They often use the word “spiritual” — the alignment of self, sensation and possibility. Pleasure so deep it felt like a homecoming, like they had been restored to themselves, to the depths of their potential.

How can women regain control over their sex lives?

The first thing to do would be to stop absorbing [unscientific] outside knowledge. There is such a rash of faulty information out there as a result of our lack of sound science and solid education. We’ve seen this proliferation of experts pandering to the lowest common denominator.

Online, you’ll find doctors who promise that by injecting more blood into the vagina, it will give it a face-lift that will bolster orgasmic potential. Or self-proclaimed “sexperts” who put on female ejaculation retreats. Those kinds of offerings often exist side by side with credentialed and validated interventions.

The second thing is to get to know your body. I think the most powerful intervention that I documented in my book was the realm of sexological bodywork.

What is that?

It’s a somatic approach to sexual healing that can — but does not necessarily — include genital touch. There’s a profound opportunity there for ethical violations, especially because it’s not a regulated practice. But for some of the women who I spoke to, they’ve said that this was the missing link in understanding their bodies.

Sexological bodywork practitioners facilitate your self-knowledge of your body, pleasure, comfort, boundaries, feelings of confidence and being able to articulate “no.” For example, “No, I don’t want you to touch me here” and “I don’t want you to look at me here.” This helps women ask why they feel this way — and get to a point where they can say “yes.”

For women in a relationship with a man, how can male partners do more to help?

Men can — and should — play a central role in helping women fully engage with their desires and sensations.

They can do this by being compassionate and nonjudgmental listeners. By creating an erotic atmosphere in which men and women’s needs command equal importance, and by encouraging interactions that depart from the wearied script of male arousal and release. Just as society tends to overly complicate female sexuality, we oversimplify men’s, and they also benefit from shifting dynamics around.

Any ideas of how to do that?

I spoke with a number of couples, and one shared a story that made a deep impression.

They’re both middle-aged and both are experiential sexuality educators, so in many respects they’re versed in subjects like male privilege and the ways female satisfaction gets short shrift. But all the same, these issues were showing up in their intimate life.

At the woman’s request, they decided to make sex just about her — so that it flowed from her interest and followed the course of her arousal. She told him, she didn’t care how he took care of himself, but she didn’t want to be a part of it.

They came to call these sessions “The Experiment.” To their mutual surprise, it lasted for a whole year. As they recounted this experience, the woman thanked her partner for his generosity, and he immediately and firmly responded, “No, it was my pleasure.” They both felt they had benefited from the woman’s sexual growth and the shared opportunity to expand their erotic vocabulary.

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7 questions you always wanted to ask a sex coach

By Danielle Fox

When we polled our readers earlier this month on what they’ve always wanted to ask a sex coach, they flooded our DM’s with questions, concerns, and complaints about their partners’…techniques.

One thing to note: whatever is going on in the bedroom isn’t a “just you” issue, per se. According to the Cleveland Clinic, 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men experience some type of sexual dysfunction during their lifetimes, including low libido and low confidence. And so many readers submitted the exact same questions and the same deepest darkest secrets. You’re normal. Sex can be weird! Let’s talk about it.

Below, Gigi Engle, SKYN sex and intimacy expert and certified sex coach and author of All The F*cking Mistakes, answered questions submitted by HelloGiggles readers. Don’t see your concern below? Check out the rest of our State of Female Pleasure package for more sexpert advice.

How do I tell my partner that I’ve been faking my orgasms without hurting their feelings?

Your partner may have hurt feelings but the important thing is to assure them that you like everything they’re doing and you were faking orgasms because things felt good but you just felt you weren’t going to get “there.” Offer to show them exactly what feels good for you with gentle guidance.

How do I stop faking orgasms without offending my boyfriend?

Having an open conversation with your partner about this can be challenging. Sex is an emotionally charged thing and many of us lack the vocabulary to communicate our needs. Let your partner know that you want to try some new sex things together. You want to show him new ways to touch you and to have more orgasms. Tell them you love your sex life so he feels good about himself and then offer some guidance. When it comes to faking, if you feel like you’re not going to get there, offer some gentle guidance. Maybe you could use some more oral sex, or a toy during sex. Make those suggestions to him.

How can I be more comfortable in my body during sex?

Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. When you get in touch with your body and internal energy, you start to feel so much more comfortable in your power. Having control over your own orgasm is empowering and will help you feel good when guiding someone in how to touch you. Body confidence is not something that happens overnight. Look at yourself in the mirror naked and tell your body how much you love it; how it takes care of you, gets you where you need to go, and is strong for you. It does not matter what you look like. You’re beautiful and sexy and powerful.

What can I do to get my partner to explore other fun sexual options? Ex: BDSM.

Make a sex menu. You write down three things you want to try and then have [them] write down three things [they’d] want to try. Then, swap lists and see what you both are interested in. This gives you a pressure-free way to learn about your partners desires and to share your own. Introduce [them] to new things slowly—maybe start out with a new lube or small sex toy. For BDSM specifically, you don’t need to go buy a bunch of expensive gear. Use a tee shirt as a blindfold and a necktie as handcuffs. It’s really not as complicated and scary as some people tend to think!

I can’t orgasm at all! Is there something wrong with me?

There is definitely nothing wrong with you. This is super common! Orgasms are 90 percent mental and 10 percent physical. So, you need to be in a positive headspace. If you believe you cannot come, your brain tells your body you can’t come, and then … you don’t come! The first thing to do is to step outside of this negative feedback loop. Take orgasm off the table for a while and focus on pleasure. Buy some sex toys (SKYN Vibes is my go-to). Take time to masturbate and see what you like. Don’t worry so much about orgasming and eventually orgasms will come.

How to move past (unknown) mental roadblocks that make it hard to orgasm with a partner?

Being present and in the moment can be very challenging when life comes at you. It’s key to remember that sex is important and life is always going to be busy. Breathe into your body and try to be more intentional. Watch some porn to keep you focused or listen to an erotic story while you’re having sexy time. Sometimes we need to ignite all of our senses to stay in the moment. Treat sex like a meditation: It’s a time to focus and breathe and enjoy.

How do you deal with extraordinary clitoral sensitivity?

Try different touch than straight up clitoral rubbing. Touch the labia, the mons, and vaginal opening. Try layering the labia over the clitoris when you use a sex toy on a low vibration setting. Sometimes having a barrier can provide comfort. You can also circle the clitoris rather than putting vibration or a tongue directly on it.
You might also benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy in tandem with working with and OBGYN. There may be an underlying medical issue that should be addressed. Seeking the help of a well-rounded team of professionals who are there to work for you is a grounded way to get the orgasms and sex you deserve.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What your sexual fantasies say about your wellbeing

By Tracey Anne Duncan

Sex is a topic we never stop exploring because of its unparalleled complexity in our lives. It’s the way our genes replicate and also a way that humans bond and also a place for our imaginations to play. That’s a lot of meaning for one activity. Because human sexuality is so multi-layered, a lot of us find ourselves having desires that we find confusing. A friend of mine recently asked how they could tell the difference between sexual fantasies that are “normal,” and fantasies that are cause for concern. I checked in with some experts in the field of sexuality to help.

First of all, there is no “normal.” “Worry about whether or not we are normal is one of the most common difficulties people have with their sexuality — behavior as well as fantasy — and this preoccupation leads to dysfunction on so many levels,” says Carol Queen, a sex educator at Good Vibrations (one of the most famous sex shop brands in the world) and one of the authors of The Sex and Pleasure Book. “Worrying about being normal promotes anxiety and shame.” Queen says that when she does sex education work that, “Am I normal?” is the most common question.

Secondly, as Queen explains, it doesn’t matter if your fantasies are “normal” or not, for two reasons. “One, they are fantasies. They are thoughts that can exist independently of a person’s behavior,” Queen says. “Two, even if a person chooses to act out a fantasy, the important metric is whether they can do so in a safe and consensual way. It’s more important to be able to be yourself than to conform to a vague notion of what normal is.”

Once we set the idea of normalcy aside, we can get to some more important matters. If your fantasies scare you or your partner, you might want to look into them with the help of a therapist. “Sometimes it is possible that repressed sexual trauma manifests itself as a particular kink,” says Angela Watson, a sex therapist and author at Doctor Climax, a sex toy review site. “Your kink should satisfy you as a sexual being, not placate mental anguish within you,” she explains. If you are using a particular kind of sex act or fantasy in order to cope with emotional pain, it doesn’t mean that the fantasy is bad or wrong, but it may mean that you have some emotional work to do that would benefit your emotional state in and outside the bedroom.

So how can you tell the difference between a kink that’s just a kink and a kink that is potentially carrying emotional weight that needs to be dealt with in therapy? Most of the experts I spoke with agreed that your fantasy is probably only problematic if you need the kink to be satisfied in order to get off and the kink itself is not sexual in nature. “If a sexual encounter is only satisfying when certain boxes are ticked that are unrelated to sex, you might have a bigger issue worth exploring,” says Watson. To put this in practical terms, if one of your kinks is humiliation (a very common kink), that’s fine unless you cannot come to orgasm unless your partner berates you for, say, your terrible parallel parking ability.

It should go without saying that no matter what your fantasies are, if you want other folks to participate in them, they should be able to do so with full awareness of what they’re getting into, you need their enthusiastic consent, and they should be legal. “A kink should be able to be enjoyed by two — or more — consenting adults and should not contravene any existing laws,” Watson says. “I mean laws like theft, assault, or murder as opposed to laws meant to control lifestyle choices. If your kink results in fun that doesn’t hurt anybody mentally or physically and isn’t punishable by law, why contain them?” Don’t worry, Dr. Climax, I surely won’t.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Good News For People Not Having Regular Sex

By Jessica Morgan

We all know that sex is good for you. The positive health benefits have been well documented over the years, with plenty of studies suggesting that frequent sex could do wonders for your mental and physical wellbeing. And last week, a new study added to the long list.

Researchers at University College London suggested that women who have sex at least once a week reduce their risk of early menopause. The study, published in the Royal Society Open Science journal, was designed to test the theory that women’s bodies may stop releasing eggs when the body senses that a woman is no longer likely to get pregnant – for example because she is no longer having sex. Researchers, however, only looked at women in their 40s and 50s.

So what does this mean for younger women who are going through a prolonged spell of no sexual activity? According to a 2016 study, millennials are having less sex than any other generation since the 1920s, and data last year showed that those under 25 and currently single are less likely to be sexually active.

There are many reasons why people may abstain from sex, from asexuality to having a low sex drive or simply choosing not to engage in it. For some, not having sex can be important for their mental health.

But as more and more young people turn their backs on the extracurricular activity, one question remains: Can having less sex – or none at all – damage our health?

The short answer is no, says Dr Leila Frodsham, consultant gynaecologist and spokesperson for the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists. “There is widespread evidence of regular sexual activity and health benefits in both sexes, however, there is little clear evidence of harm from not having regular sex,” she told Refinery29. “In fact, people with both mental and physical health issues may find sex is more difficult to enjoy and forming sexual relationships is more difficult.”

Research does show that having regular sex can result in certain health benefits, such as improved immune system function, reduced blood pressure, lower stress levels and less risk of cardiovascular events. The physiological benefits of sex – such as reduced stress – can also be achieved through masturbation.

“There are numerous benefits to having frequent sex – it counts as exercise, and improves your cardiovascular health and reduces your blood pressure. Regular sex can also strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, which could help with bladder control,” says Dr Eleanor Draeger, a specialist in genitourinary medicine and spokesperson for the British Association for Sexual Health and HIV. “Orgasms are associated with a release of endorphins and serotonin and can, therefore, help to relieve pain, including menstrual cramps. And one study showed that masturbation could improve migraines.

“Although both sex and masturbation both have health benefits, not doing so is not necessarily unhealthy. And there are other ways to ensure that you are experiencing the same health benefits as those afforded by regular orgasms.”

Dr Draeger suggests that you can improve your cardiovascular health by doing another form of exercise, such as running or cycling. Other ways to relieve stress and anxiety include having a hot bath and reading a good book.

She added that while regular orgasms can increase vaginal lubrication and blood flow to the vulval area, as well as increasing your libido, “it does not mean that without orgasm you will inevitably experience vaginal dryness.”

Dr Draeger concludes: “It is important to note that it is entirely healthy to want to masturbate, whether you are in a relationship or not, but that does not mean that it is unhealthy if you don’t want to.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The cuckolding fetish

This is what it really is

By

The type of consensual non-monogamy, explained.

“Cuckolding” is one of those sex terms that you’ve probably seen pop up somewhere on the internet (hello, porn sites), but you might never have known what it actually means. As the world becomes more woke to all kinds of monogamy, polyamory, and everything in between, people are becoming more and more open about enjoying cuckolding in the bedroom. So, here’s everything you need to know.

What is cuckolding?

Cuckolding is essentially a form of consensual non-monogamy, where one partner watches their lover having sex with another person. Often, cuckolding involves the observing partner (known as the cuckold) being present in the room while they watch, but they could also observe by being sent messages or photos of what is happening.

How is cuckolding different from polyamory?

Cuckolding differs from other forms of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) as it’s all focused on watching what’s happening. Other kinds of CNM include polyamory, where someone has multiple romantic partners, but cuckolding is usually purely sexual rather than romantic. Another kind of CNM is swinging, where couples swap sexual partners, but when it comes to cuckolding, the person observing usually doesn’t physically participate in any sexual activity.

What is the history of cuckolding?

The word “cuckold” is derived from the cuckoo bird, which lays its eggs in other birds’ nests, meaning that the birds go on to raise chicks that aren’t their own. “Cuckold” was first used in medieval times to describe the husband of an unfaithful wife who, unaware of his wife’s infidelity, would raise children that clearly weren’t his own, like with cuckoo birds.

The modern-day usage of the word “cuckolding” as a fetish differs from its origins, as the cuckold is aware of and is consenting to their partner sleeping with another person.

While the origins of the term describe cuckolding as a husband watching his wife with another man, cuckolding can be done any way you want, whether it’s a female partner watching their male partner with another woman or another man, or whether everybody involved is male or female or of any other gender.

Why do people enjoy cuckolding?

There are various reasons why people might enjoy cuckolding as a fetish or a form of consensual non-monogamy. Some people introduce cuckolding as a way of combatting boredom or repetition in a relationship, and find that sexual variety actually strengthens their relationship with their partner, especially as they’re able to learn more about what their partner enjoys. For others, the jealousy they feel from watching their partner with another person adds an exciting element to their relationship and can add a new dimension to their sex life.

“Cuckolding may trigger sexual jealousy,” says psychosexual and relationship therapist Aoife Drury. “The thought of their [the cuckold’s] partner being with someone else may be quite arousing.”

Aoife adds that another reason cuckolding can be enjoyable is because “it’s about seeing sexual satisfaction or empowerment from your partner and that being a turn on. This actually has a name and is defined as compersion.”

Cuckolding is a great way of strengthening communication in a relationship, as it requires honesty from both partners about what they enjoy, what they don’t and what their boundaries are if they do feel jealous or uncomfortable. Couples who have tried cuckolding often report that it strengthens the bond between them, as they’re able to trust each other and talk openly about their desires.

Cuckolding can also be considered a subset of BDSM. “An aspect of BDSM can be humiliation, and the thought of [the cuckold] feeling or being humiliated could also be exciting. Our brains have the ability to turn something degrading into something powerfully erotic,” says Aoife. Sexologist Dr. Jill McDevitt adds, “the arousal that comes from relinquishing power and being humiliated (which is a form of masochism)” can be part of what makes cuckolding enjoyable.

As well as the cuckold, the partner who is sleeping with somebody else can enjoy cuckolding because it means they get to experience sexual variety with somebody else, and they can show their partner first-hand what they like.

How can you introduce cuckolding into your relationship?

Start by being open with your partner, letting them know that this is something you want to try, and explaining what it is if they’re unsure. The important thing is to make sure that everyone involved is comfortable and consenting to what is happening. Cuckolding requires “tons of communication, discussion of safer sex methods, and consideration of the physical and emotional safety of all involved, including the third party,” says Dr. Jill.

“Cuckolding can very much be part of healthy relationships as long as you are both open, honest and content with it being part of your sex lives,” adds Aoife. “The most important aspect of all sexual activity is consent. It is important when someone has a kink or fetish that they are communicating openly with all parties involved, and everyone is happy.

“If it is something that you would like to start off with, it is vital to understand what may be brought up. Seeing your partner with someone else may be quite upsetting so taking it slow is of utmost importance. Finally I would encourage partners to draw out parameters and rules so that there are clear boundaries; perhaps that’s not having sex with someone you know or for cuckolding not to occur in your home.

“To start off with trying out cuckolding, maybe ask your partner to describe a fantasy about having sex with a different partner. That can be past partners, people you or they fancy or even a celebrity. Sometimes this may be enough for both parties and they have no interest in taking things further.

“If you are both happy and wanted to take the next step, try going to a bar and watching them flirt with someone else. The next step, if that goes well, is your partner having sex with someone else and then recounting the experience to you.”

So, if you’re interested in giving cuckolding (or anything else) a go, follow these steps to telling your partner exactly what you want.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!