Tag: Relationship Advice

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Why social distancing is making me horny

By Tracey Anne Duncan

I am social distancing. That means no bars, no clubs, no yoga classes, and three feet of distance outdoors. Most importantly, to me, it means that I have no place to flirt and no outlets for my sexual impulses. Sure, COVID is changing the way we date, but it’s not changing biology. Being self quarantined is not, in fact, straining my libido in the slightest. For me, the combination of isolation and anxiety is making me hornier than ever. I talked to my favorite sex therapist to find out why.

“Physiologically speaking, our bodies do a lot of things without our awareness,” says Dulcinea Pitagora, a New York City-based psychologist and sex researcher. “The brain wants oxytocin. This is always true, but when we are feeling vulnerable, we are more susceptible to what our body is craving. For some people that craving is expressed as horniness.”

Part of what’s happening, then, is that my body and brain are hungry for the feel good chemicals that are released during physical contact, and I am more aware of this hunger, or horniness, because I am feeling vulnerable and also because I am alone and am, generally, less distracted by external things and more focused on my internal experience.

Something else that may play into pandemic thirst is the cultural sense that maybe we shouldn’t be feeling sexy right now. Some people have the attitude that the world is on fire, how could anyone possibly want to have sex, but it’s exactly that attitude that makes some people feel horny. “Sexuality is natural and normal,” Pitagora says. “The more we try to push it down, the more it intensifies. When we see sex as a way of acting out, it doesn’t necessarily make us want it less.”

The sense that maybe we shouldn’t want sex right now combined with feelings of vulnerability is a great cocktail for creating horniness. “That’s not true for everyone,” Pitagora notes. But it might feel more intense for people who strongly identify with being sexual (it me). “When you add that identity component, that makes the experience feel more urgent because it feels like your identity is at stake,” Pitagora explains.

The sense of urgency that accompanies horniness, like so many other kinds of panic we are experiencing right now, is not that helpful. It’s also not reality-based. “Some part of our brains thinks that we’re never going to have sex again,” Pitagora tells me. “We need to slow our brains down and remember that this is temporary.” Having a horny sense of urgency may feel exciting, but Pitagora tells me it can be dangerous if we don’t second guess our impulses. “We can be very good at rationalizing risky behavior when we’re horny,” Pitagora says, and adds, “If you are a person that likes and cares about sex, you are probably going to have sex again.” Praise Beetlejuice.

So what should thirsty folks stuck home alone do? Porn and masturbation are not really cutting it. “I think it’s important to remind people that it’s okay to be horny and masturbate,” Pitagora says. “There are people out there who feel like they shouldn’t feel sexual at all right now.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but repressing your healthy sexual urges is not going to help us beat coronavirus. Please masturbate. Try video sex. It may not work for everyone, but if it doesn’t make you feel icky, Pitagora says, it might help.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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An expert guide to love and sex during a pandemic

We are all in long-distance relationships now.

How to catch feelings, but not coronavirus.

By Sara Kiley Watson

Self-quarantine as a single person or a person who lives far from their significant other can be pretty lonely, especially while other folks spend their work-from-home hours snuggled up with the person they love.

Still, it can be unnerving to be so close to someone who might’ve bumped into COVID-19 in the outside world. Considering it takes at least five days for the virus’s symptoms to show up, it’s tough to know if your spooning partner is infected, or if you could be putting them at risk.

Before give up on love or start wearing a hazmat suit whenever you crawl in bed, it’s good to know the basics about love in a time of coronavirus. We asked sexual health expert Carlos Rodriguez-Diaz of George Washington University for advice on how to keep your relationship alive in the middle of an epidemic.

Is COVID-19 sexually transmitted?

Nope, or at least it hasn’t proven to be during the virus’s reproductive stage, says Rodriguez-Diaz. But you can definitely carry it through another way of expressing intimacy that goes right along with having any sort of sex: kissing.

We already know that the coronavirus can be passed between people by coughing. That’s why it’s so important to cover your mouth and wipe down surfaces that might come into contact with saliva. But when it comes to kissing, there’s no avoiding spit, which means if you’re making out with an infected person, you’re putting yourself at risk.

Not to mention, COVID-19 can be spread via the fecal-oral route, so depending on what tickles your sexual fancy, you might want to be extra, extra careful.

What about snuggling?

If you spend each night cuddling your significant other, lucky you. If your partner lives with you or spends a lot of time with you, the reality is that you probably share a similar risk of catching COVID-19, Rodriguez-Diaz says. After all, no matter what you do all day, you both come home and interact closely, whether that’s making dinner together or just chilling on the same couch.

Social distancing calls for staying around six feet away from people. But just because there’s an outbreak doesn’t mean you need to walk around with a pole protecting you from your favorite person.

“It’s not the time to stop cuddling,” Rodriguez-Diaz says. Right now, people are stressed and anxious, and those feelings might only get worse if you close yourself off to interaction with your significant other. Just be conscious that you’re both being hygienic. Wash your hands regularly and keep your living space (and any sex toys) clean.

If your partner gets sick, you should stay home, too. Staying in to care for them will also protect the people you’d interact with outside your home.

What should I do if I’m in a long-distance relationship?

Though flights to most any state and country are cheap as heck right now, you shouldn’t hop on a plane and surprise your partner. Traveling implies bumping into and interacting with loads of other people, Rodriguez-Diaz says, and a lot of time that could be in close quarters.

For the safety of your loved ones, all the people around you, and yourself, you should seriously consider staying put. This is especially true if you or your significant other are older or immunocompromised. As much as it sucks to stay alone all day, it is way worse to unknowingly bring the epidemic with you to another corner of the world.

As all you long-distance-relationship folks already know, in-person sex isn’t the only way to get intimate with your partner. Sexting or video-chatting are practices that are still erotic, Rodriguez-Diaz says, but don’t involve touching at all. Nowadays, there are literally ways to send your partner a mold of your own genitals, so if anything, quarantine is an excuse to get creative.

“I would advise people who are in long-distance relationships to use technology to their advantage,” Rodriguez-Diaz says. “Soon after we have a better understanding of the virus and the epidemic is under control, take a trip together somewhere else.”

Should I stop trying to meet new people?

This one is for all you single powerhouses: you don’t necessarily have to delete all of your dating apps right away. However, it’s wise to take a moment and skip the dinner and movie plans while COVID-19 testing in the US is still a mystery.

“It’s not the ideal conditions to meet new people, or go to public spaces,” Rodriguez-Diaz says.

This doesn’t mean you should meet all your internet crushes in secluded locations (please, don’t do that for obvious reasons). But it also doesn’t mean you need to shut yourself off from the world of dating just because you’re avoiding leaving the home.

When it comes to casual dating, you could always take a page out of the long-distance-relationship book. Whether it’s someone you’ve recently met, or have been dating casually and lives a few neighborhoods away, now could be the time to test out sexting or other not-so-touchy-feely ways of getting to know a possible partner.

“With the proper safety measures in place, that can be very good for relationships,” Rodriguez-Diaz says. “Perhaps this experience is giving us the opportunity to experience other things.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Couples Who Communicate Have The Best Sex Ever

By Leigh Norén

Want a hotter sex life? Communication is better than any new sex toy or position.

A good sex life is usually equated with exciting positions, new places and sex toys galore (at least if we’re to believe pop culture’s take on it!). But the secret to a great sex life in a healthy relationship is actually … communication!

Couples in relationships may think that the best sex ever boils down to how they have sex and incorporating new toys or unique positions. But better sex doesn’t come just from sexual technique and performance. Although these things are important — they’re not the only way to make your love life better.

Believe it or not, communication in your relationship is actually one of the most effective ways of turning your sex life from mundane to wonderful. It’s not only crucial to be able to talk about sex, it’s also important to cultivate healthy communication in your relationship on a daily basis.

Here are 3 ways improved communication can have a lasting positive effect on your sex life.

1. With better communication comes increased closeness.

… And increased closeness leads to better sex. For some, sex is a way of getting closer to your partner. This, in turn, strengthens your bond and makes it easier for you to communicate about other things in life.

For others, an emotional connection is needed for sexual desire to be sparked. This means you may need to feel intimate on other levels to fully engage in sex.

You can create emotional intimacy through effective communication.

One way of creating emotional intimacy is strengthening your communication skills. Communication is usually thought of as merely talking, but it actually encompasses a whole range of behaviors. For example:

  • Physically touching your partner is a way of letting them know you’re there for them or showing them what you need
  • Sighs or other sounds let your partner know how you’re feeling without actually using words
  • Texting, emailing, and talking are all ways of engaging with your partner and showing interest in them

Healthy communication is all about listening, validating, and responding to your partner.

When you get the hang of it, you’re likely to feel closer to your partner throughout the day, even if you have little time or your children are screaming bloody murder in the next room.

When this sense of emotional intimacy is felt, it increases the chances of you and your partner feeling like you can let your guard down during sex, release inhibitions, and be who you truly are, sexually.

Sex can be a vulnerable experience.

Oftentimes, sex is equated with shame. This is because of societal norms that dictate what you should and shouldn’t get off to, who is worthy of sexual fulfillment and who isn’t, or ideas about sex being a dirty, shameful act.

When you feel closer to your partner and can let go during sex, feelings of shame or guilt subside easily.

Greater intimacy on a day-to-day basis can also enable communication during sex to flow with greater ease. And showing who you really are between the sheets makes for better sex for both of you.

RELATED: 3 Things Women Can Do To Spice Up Sex With Their Husbands

2. Communicating about sex leads to better sex.

When you’ve got the hang of communication in your relationship, the skill tends to spill over into other areas of life, such as your sex life.

Being able to listen to your partner’s sexual needs and wants while also communicating your own is one of the best ways to create a sex life you both enjoy.

Most couples struggle to talk about sex.

The subject of sex can make some couples feel a little unsettled. Addressing sexual communication is important in healthy relationships — no matter the problem you want help with.

Sexual communication can feel like an intimidating task and bring up all sorts of ideas in your head about having to “talk dirty” or be incredibly vocal during sex. Even if these are two things that definitely can bring some spark into the bedroom, communication about sex is so much more than this.

What does communicating about sex with your partner look like?

It’s about communicating before, during, and after sex. It’s about telling your partner what you like and what you dislike (in a nice way, of course!). It’s about taking an interest in what your partner desires and validating their wants, even if you don’t share them.

The benefits of free-flowing sexual communication.

When you know more about each other’s sexuality and feel more relaxed discussing sex, it usually leads to a more satisfying sex life. No longer will you have to wonder whether your spouse really enjoys what you’re doing, or if another technique would be preferable.

And gone are the days when sex always has to adhere to a certain pattern.

Communication enables experimentation which can be a great way of regaining your libido and strengthening your bond as a couple.

3. Effective communication makes it easier to respect each other’s boundaries and sexual differences, allowing you to have more satisfying sex.

Communication in your relationship isn’t only important for increasing a general sense of intimacy and voicing your sexual preferences — it’s also key to talking about boundaries and differences.

For example: Without letting your partner know why emotional intimacy needs to precede sexual intimacy for you to get in the mood, sex can become a difficult part of your relationship.

Only through communication can your partner know what you need and help you along the way. The same goes for respecting sexual differences in your relationships.

Mismatched libidos and differing preferences for sexual activities are more common than uncommon. This means you need to find ways of talking about your differences, in order for you to work around them and accept them.

If your partner doesn’t know you need to feel close to them to want to have sex — their constant sexual initiatives will start to make you feel anxious. Perhaps you’ll want to distance yourself for fear of having to turn them down yet again. In turn, your partner might feel frustrated, unattractive, and worried that you’re no longer interested in them.

By communicating, you can alleviate the pressure surrounding sex and create a sex life that you both want.

Now that you know communication in your relationship is a key way to have great sex — what’s stopping you?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Masturbation Healthy?

A Neuroscientist Weighs In

By Dr. Nan Wise

Is masturbation healthy? When it comes to sex—which is already so taboo—talking about masturbation is one of the most uncomfortable of subjects. It’s one thing to admit to being sexual with a partner but quite another to admit to taking pleasure into your own hands—literally and figuratively. Especially for women. But as a certified sex therapist and neuroscientist, I’ve got good news: Masturbation isn’t just pleasurable, it’s good for you.

For years I’ve worked with people with anxiety, depression, or relationship issues, treated people with problems in the bedroom, and taught human sexuality courses (when I’m not busy conducting sex research as a neuroscience Ph.D.), and yet I continue to be amazed about how uncomfortable people are when it comes to discussing sex in general and their own sexual health in particular. It isn’t unusual for me to have to reassure a talk show host who cautions me to be careful about what I say on the air since they don’t really “talk about sex” on their show. I think to myself, What? You’ve had a show for decades that deals with health and lifestyle issues, and you haven’t talked about sex?”

My work with couples and in the lab conducting studies has proved time and time again that pleasure is not just important but necessary—something I explore in my Glamour column Ask. Dr. Nan and in my new book Why Good Sex Matters—based largely on my research of the female orgasm, which can relieve stress, improve mood, reduce pain, boost immunity, and enhance self-esteem.

So when someone asks me if masturbation is healthy, the answer is a resounding yes. Here’s why:

Do most people masturbate?

The short answer? Yes. The longer answer? More men do than women.

Despite the persistent taboo around masturbation, statistics show that in Western cultures, most people do it. In the U.S., roughly 80% of women aged 25 through 40 say they’ve masturbated at some point in their lives, with 50% of women aged 18 through 24 reporting having masturbated during the past year.

Men tend to masturbate more often than women—largely because women are still shamed for being “too sexual.” If you group men and women together, nearly 76% of young adults aged 25 through 29 report self-pleasuring over the past year.

Is masturbation healthy?

I consider masturbation to be one of the best forms of self-care. Not only does it feel good, it’s good for you.

First, there are the physical benefits of masturbation. My research involved having participants masturbate to orgasm in an fMRI scanner to document how the brain responds to genital stimulation leading up to and culminating in the Big O. We found that when you experience sexual pleasure, many areas of the brain receive more oxygen.

Sufficient oxygen is absolutely critical to healthy brain function, so the widespread increase in blood flow to the brain (particularly regions involved in sensation, movement, cognition, reward, and hormone production) make orgasm a great workout for nearly your whole brain. Orgasm triggers the release of a cascade of substances such as natural painkillers, stress relievers, and mood enhancers. Think of your brain enjoying a delicious cocktail of increased dopamine (associated with reward and enthusiasm), endorphins (our own internally produced opioids promoting feelings of well-being), serotonin (for calming), and oxytocin (which facilitates bonding). The result is a health-promoting natural high.

A regular masturbation practice also has other benefits. When women learn to cultivate the pleasures of masturbation, we radically challenge some of the sex-negative notions pervading our culture. Rather than focusing on being a sex object for someone else, masturbation allows us to focus on being intrinsically sexual beings whose bodies are places of pleasure that exist at times just for us. It puts your pleasure first.

Are there side-effects of too much masturbation?

Any behavior which becomes compulsive can become problematic. I have treated men whose masturbation practices have gotten out of control, causing physical and emotional distress, even interrupting their ability to go to work. These compulsive sexual behaviors appear less frequently in women, although they have been reported. In general, out-of-control sexual behaviors can result when people have trouble regulating their moods and use sex to self-soothe.

The bottom line? By making a commitment to prioritizing your own pleasure though cultivating a regular masturbation practice, you will reap big benefits.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Saying sex increases cancer risk is neither totally correct, nor in any way helpful

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A study published recently claims to have found a link between having had ten or more sexual partners and an increased risk of cancer. But it’s not as simple as that.

While having a sexually transmissible infection (STI) can increase the risk of certain types of cancer, using a person’s lifetime number of sexual partners as a marker of their likely sexual health history is one of several flaws in this research.

The evidence from this study isn’t strong enough to conclude that having had multiple sexual partners increases a person’s risk of cancer.

Misinterpreting these findings could lead to stigma around STIs and having multiple sexual partners.

What the study did

The research, published in the journal BMJ Sexual & Reproductive Health, used data from 2,537 men and 3,185 women participating in the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing, a nationally representative study of adults aged 50+ in England.

The average age of participants was 64. Most were married or living with a partner, white, non-smokers, drank alcohol regularly, and were at least moderately active once a week or more.

Participants were asked to recall the number of people with whom they had ever had vaginal, oral or anal sex in their lifetime. The researchers grouped the responses into four categories shown in the table below.

The researchers then examined associations between lifetime number of sexual partners and self-reported health outcomes (self-rated health, limiting longstanding illness, cancer, heart disease and stroke).

The researchers controlled for a range of demographic factors (age, ethnicity, partnership status, and socioeconomic status) as well as health-related factors (smoking status, frequency of alcohol intake, physical activity, and depressive symptoms).

What the study found

Men with 2-4 partners and 10+ partners were more likely to have been diagnosed with cancer, compared to men with 0-1 partners. There was no difference between men with 0-1 partners and 5-9 partners.

Compared to women with 0-1 partners, women with 10+ partners were more likely to have been diagnosed with cancer.

Women with 5-9 partners and 10+ partners were also more likely to report a “limiting longstanding illness” than those with 0-1 partners.

The authors don’t specify what constitutes a limiting longstanding illness, but looking at the questions they asked participants, we can ascertain it’s a chronic condition that disrupts daily activities. It’s likely these ranged from mildly irritating to debilitating.

There was no association between number of sexual partners and self-rated general health, heart disease or stroke for either men or women.

Notably, while statistically significant, the effect size of all these associations was modest.

What does number of sexual partners have to do with cancer risk?

There is a reason for investigating whether a person’s lifetime number of sexual partners has anything to do with their cancer risk. If you’ve had a lot of sexual partners, it’s more likely you’ve been exposed to an STI. Having an STI can increase your risk of several types of cancer.

For example, human papillomavirus (HPV) is responsible for 30% of all cancers caused by infectious agents (bacteria, viruses or parasites), contributing to cervical cancer, penile cancer, and cancers of the mouth, throat and anus.

Viral hepatitis can be transmitted through sex, and having chronic hepatitis B or C increases the risk of liver cancer.

Untreated HIV increases the risk of cancers such as lymphomas, sarcomas and cervical cancer.

How can we make sense of this?

The authors of the study acknowledge the numerous limitations of the analysis and recommend further work be done to confirm their findings. We must interpret their results with this in mind.

Their use of lifetime number of sexual partners as a proxy measure for STI history is a key problem. While there is an association between having a higher number of partners and an increased risk of STIs, many other factors may be important in determining a person’s risk of being infected with an STI.

These include whether they’ve practised safe sex, what type of infection they might have encountered, and whether they’ve been vaccinated against, or treated for, particular infections.

Further, the analysis was based on cross-sectional data – a snapshot that doesn’t account for changes over time. Participants were asked to recall information from the past, rather than having measurements taken directly at different time points. It’s not possible to establish causation from a cross-sectional analysis.

Even if the association is confirmed in prospective, longitudinal studies, the findings may not apply to other groups of people.

Recent advances in vaccine development (such as the wide availability of the HPV vaccine), better STI prevention (such as the use of pre- and post-exposure prophylaxis – PreP and PEP – for HIV) and more effective therapy (for example, direct-acting antiviral agents to treat hepatitis C) will reduce the impact of STIs on cancer risk for those who can access them.

People with higher numbers of sexual partners were more likely to smoke and drink frequently (increasing the risk of cancer), but also to do more vigorous physical activity (decreasing the risk of cancer).

For women, a higher number of sexual partners was associated with white ethnicity; for men, with a greater number of depressive symptoms. Although the researchers controlled for these factors, these points highlight some inconsistencies in the pattern of results.

The researchers also couldn’t explain why a greater number of sexual partners was associated with a higher likelihood of a limiting chronic condition for women, but not for men.

Ultimately, this study raises more questions than it answers. We need further research before we can use these results to inform policy or improve practice.

The paper concludes by saying enquiring about lifetime sexual partners could be helpful when screening for cancer risk. This is a very long stretch based on the evidence presented.

This approach could also be harmful. It could invade privacy and increase stigma about having multiple sexual partners or having an STI.

We know experiencing stigma can discourage people from attending sexual health screenings and other services.

It would be better to put limited health resources towards improving prevention, screening and treatments for STIs.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A beginner’s guide to kinky sex

Better clear your diary…

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Kinky sex covers a whole host of sexy things, from BDSM and power play to fetish and role play. It can be confusing to understand exactly what counts as kinky sex, and how you can do it yourself. So if you’re looking to get into kink for the first time, or you want more tips on how to do it safely, here is everything you need to know.

What is kinky sex?

Kinky sex basically includes any kind of sexual activity that is related to power, says Lianne Young, sex and relationships expert and counsellor, and writer for House of Ardent. A big part of this is BDSM, which stands for dominance and submission, bondage and discipline, and sadomasochism, though BDSM isn’t the only thing that qualifies as kink.

What does kinky sex include?

There are plenty of sexual acts that can be counted as kink. These can include:

  • BDSM, including dominance and submission, and humiliation and power.
  • Role playing.
  • Fetishes, for example, foot fetishes.
  • Dressing up, including wearing latex, leather and uniforms.
  • Bondage, using handcuffs, ropes, chains or blindfolds.
  • Accessories. This can include anything from bondage materials, to latex gloves, cock rings, pin wheels, and even “putting someone in a cage and treating them like a dog,” says Lianne. If you want to involve pain or humiliation, try spitting on someone or spanking them using a cane, whip, ruler and paddle, Lianne continues.
  • Electric shocks. Taking kink play to the extreme, some companies like Electrastim sell electric shock apparatus to be used for sexual pleasure, adds Lianne.

What are the origins of kinky sex?

The term ‘kink’ was historically used to describe any sexual activity that bends or ‘kinks’ away from the norm. Even today, some aspects of psychiatry still refer to kinky activities like fetishism, sadism and masochism as “paraphilias“, or “abnormal sexual desires”, with these normal and consensual behaviours listed alongside things like paedophilia. However, ‘kink’ is generally now used as a positive term.

“We can really question this whole idea of ‘abnormal’ sex,” says Meg-John Barker, author of Enjoy Sex and host of the Meg-John and Justin podcast. “Actually the number of people who feel some desire for being tied up, or spanked, for example, is higher than the number of people who don’t.”

How is kinky sex different from adventurous sex?

Adventurous sex means venturing outside of your normal boundaries or activities, while kinky sex is more to do with power play, says Lianne. Adventurous sex might be something simple like introducing a vibrator or having a threesome, while kink is often more about power and fantasy.

However, Lianne adds that kink isn’t just about power. “It’s also an important way of enhancing a couple’s relationship through consensual acts involving pain, control and role play.”

Kinky sex ideas to try

Keep things simple

Lianne suggests starting with an easy role playing scenario, like pretending you don’t know each other and chatting each other up in a bar.

Combine pain and pleasure

Pain and pleasure really compliment one another,” says Lianne. “Try ass spanking and then clit stimulation instantly after one another and keep repeating this.” If you’re new to pain, Lianne recommends building up your pain resistance rather than going all out straight away.

Try bondage

Start with a beginners’ bondage kit if you want to experiment with restraint, but make sure you read the instructions to stay safe. “Being tied up can feel adventurous, and if added with a blindfold you can play with the senses of sight, hearing, taste, touch and imagination. The brain is the biggest sex organ,” explains Lianne.

If you’re trying any kind of bondage or dominance and submission, it’s crucial that you discuss boundaries and establish a safe word or signal before starting.

Dress up and use accessories

Good costumes to start with can be latex or PVC, says Lianne, or you can try dressing up as a character. It can also be fun to include accessories, like vibrators, cock rings, candle wax and lotions.

Read erotic stories

If you’re new to kink, reading erotic stories online can give you ideas of different scenes to play out, suggests Lianne.

Do what feels right

While a list of kinky ideas might be useful for some people, Meg-John says it’s better to start with what excites you personally. “For most people it’s not about specific positions or scenarios, but rather playing with different roles or sensations. A great idea to start with is to do something like Betty Martin’s three minute game because that enables you to practice consent as well as figuring out what roles and sensations you might enjoy.

“You might also find Justin and my ‘Make Your Own Sex Manual’ and ‘Erotic Fantasies’ zines helpful for tuning into what you’re into and communicating it. These include making your own ‘yes, no, maybe’ list of things you’d like to try, and as well as plenty of suggestions for fantasies, erotic fiction, or ethical porn,” they continue.

Kinky sex positions to try

Sex positions for kinky sex depend on the scenario being played out, but Lianne suggests being bent over a counter, chair, bed, or specialised sex apparatus, especially if you’re trying bondage or spanking.

“Try being tied to a chair with legs spread apart and hands tied behind you. Get your partner to add a blindfold so you don’t know what’s going to happen next. Kink play is about using your imagination and letting someone take control, or being in control, with someone you trust,” says Lianne.

Positions that help you look into each other’s eyes can be great, as this enhances the feeling of being submissive or dominant, and kneeling also has the same effect, Lianne adds.

Safety tips for kinky sex

“Discuss what you’re going to do before you do it, have a safe word ready and don’t push boundaries,” says Lianne

However, it’s important to remember that a lot of the rules for kinky sex still apply to all sex. “For all sex it’s a great idea to talk ahead about what you like and dislike, and any limits that you have,” says Meg-John.

When it comes to safe words and signals, plan how you’ll check in beforehand. Meg-John suggests the traffic light system (red for stop, yellow for slow down, or green for keep going). If you want to use a non-verbal stop signal, tapping your partner to an agreed rhythm is a good idea.

It can also be useful to discuss any trauma experiences you’ve had and what your triggers might be.

Consent is also crucial, and of course this applies to any kind of sex. Meg-John suggests using their consent checklist if you are unsure.

What you should know if you’re trying kink for the first time

If you’re interested in trying something kinky, you need to make sure your partner is on the same page first. Lianne suggests sitting them down and explaining your fantasy to them first. Don’t worry if it’s not as great as you expected first time around. Practise makes perfect.

Why do people enjoy kinky sex?

Kink is a great way of experimenting and mixing things up in the bedroom. As Lianne puts it, “do you eat the same cuisine every evening? Or do you occasionally treat yourself to take away?

“Sex play is the same and should have added spice occasionally – and it’s very healthy. Sex is about enjoyment.”

Meg-John adds that kink can reveal a lot about our subconscious desires. “Many of us eroticise the tough things that have happened in our lives, so it’s very common for people to be turned on by the idea of being controlled, or someone having power over them, or some kind of punishment or humiliation,” they explain.

However, kink doesn’t just have to be about your subconscious psyche. “The things we enjoy can simply be fun and playful, things that feel nice to our bodies, or things that help us to connect to another person. There can be many reasons why we’re into what we’re into, and it shouldn’t really matter as long as we’re acting on it consensually,” they add.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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My First Time Pegging Someone Changed How I Think About Sex

“Pegging is the ultimate tamer of men… It’s like having a nuclear weapon in your armoury.”

by Nichi Hodgson; as told to Sirin Kale

I was interning at a now-defunct erotic magazine when I met our resident dominatrix at the office Christmas party. She asked me if I wanted to be her vanilla girl assistant, and as I wasn’t getting paid there, I thought, I might as well try.

Back then, I knew nothing about pegging – I hadn’t even seen it in porn. We called it strap-on play back then [the term pegging was coined by sex columnist Dan Savage in 2001]. She had to teach me everything. She showed me her equipment: the leather harness that was specially made, her various cocks of different colours, widths and shapes.

I watched her do it to other people and saw the pleasure that men got out of it – there are huge swathes of men in the world who are desperate to be pegged. The sight of a beautiful woman dressed up in black leather gear wearing a harness and a cock is magnificent! It’s triumphant. Everyone should see it at some point in their life.

One time, a guy requested a strap-on session with the dominatrix. His dream was to be penetrated by two women separately. It started with a spanking session and some small penis humiliation, and then the dominatrix made him worship her cock. After a while, she was like, “Enough of this, it’s time to get fucked.”

She spread him on all fours, propping him on his forearms. Then she put a condom over her cock, got tons of lube and started off using her fingers to get him loose enough. She slid into him, thrusting quite gently at first and then building up the pace and depth; he wanked himself off at the same time.

He came, and then after he’d rested for a bit, she said, “Jamie” – that was my fake name back then – “is going to lose her strap-on virginity.”

We’d bought my cock and harness the week before; it was a good six inches long and a nice girth. I remember being pleased with the overall effect when I looked in the mirror. The dominatrix put a condom on me, lubed me up and showed me what to do. He was already open by that point, so I didn’t have to break him in again – I just entered him. I remember it so distinctly; it was mesmerising.

Pegging him changed my perspective on sexuality. I became more empathetic to men. Fucking someone is, physically, quite hard work. When I was younger I didn’t put that much effort in when I was having sex, in terms of thrusting or doing the actual manoeuvring. Also, when someone is opening their body to you, they’re quite vulnerable – you have a magnificent amount of power. I’d never thought about sex like that before because I’d never felt physically vulnerable in that way.

I wasn’t aroused, but it was psychologically interesting. Pegging is the ultimate tamer of men. They love it. It’s like having a nuclear weapon in your armoury.

I carried on working as a dominatrix, seeing my own clients. Often, you’d find yourself having to disappoint clients who’d seen hardcore porn where people are being absolutely rammed, and they’d want it really full on. But if you haven’t done it much, you can’t take it like that. When you start to feel the resistance in someone’s body, you have to stop, otherwise you’re going to hurt them. So the fantasy doesn’t always match up to the reality.

It’s hard for me to peg someone I’m in love with. There’s an exchange of energy – for nearly all men, there will be some unsettling feelings afterwards. Even if they fantasise about submitting to women, there’s this fear that you’ve given up something in the process of letting women fuck you. Men can feel belittled, upset or regretful afterwards – which is interesting, because women allow men to fuck them all the time, but they don’t feel subjugated.

After I’d finished working as a dominatrix, I was quite cagey about pegging men in romantic relationships. Even if guys said they liked it, I felt like they were seeing the dom, not the person. I did meet a romantic partner who was really into pegging, and I felt proud of him for being really honest about his desires.

We pegged a couple of times a year. I remember the first time we did it he was lying on his back looking up at me, so we could kiss at the same time. It was more intimate – less about getting rammed, and more about him relinquishing to me. For a man to give that up is quite sexy.

We probably pegged for about 15 minutes. It was a very wholesome sexual experience; we were both very engaged and present. It was sensual and loving, not about humiliation. That’s what’s great about pegging. It can be whatever you want it to be – the limit is your imagination.

A strap-on has to feel like an extension of your body in order for you to be really in control of it. It’s best to buy a harness, and separate differently-sized cocks, as they tend to be better quality and you can work your partner up through the different sizes.

Lots of men are apprehensive about being dirty, which prevents them from being able to let go and enjoy it. If you’ve got someone who’s pegging-curious, get them in the shower and soap them up to help them relax. Don’t give them an enema – that can leave water in the body, creating more chaos. You’ll need lots of lube.

Everyone is capable of pegging. You have to build up to it gradually and find the right man who’s genuinely interested in it. I think a surprising number of men are into it and want to try it. And lots of women would gain sexual confidence from pegging.

Once I felt like I could wield a cock and dominate someone in that way, things flipped for me. Pegging men helped me not to be as afraid of male sexuality. I saw how vulnerable men can be – if they are open enough.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Causes Low Sex Drive In Women?

And How Can I Increase Mine?

There are real treatments available.

By Alyssa Dweck, M.D.

Not in the mood to get busy tonight? Don’t panic just yet. Libido in women is complicated. There are a whole host of factors that influence sex drive and affect why you might not want to have sex (tonight, this week, or even for the last several months).

But if it’s more of a persistent concern and it’s causing you distress, it’s worth looking into further and discussing with a trusted medical professional; the gyno is the first stop for most women. Your libido could be falling flat from something as common as stress or the birth control you’re taking, or it could be a sign of a bigger health issue. But you won’t know the underlying cause or how to solve it until you bring the issue to your doc’s attention. Okay, now let’s dive deeper.

Libido can ebb and flow for all sorts of reasons.

First, I want to remind you that there’s no such thing as a “normal” sex drive. Take the stats out there about how often other people typically have sex with a grain of salt; it varies for everyone (and, hey, people lie!). Female sex drive is nuanced, and your libido rises and falls naturally.

For example, you might have a higher sex drive around the time of ovulation (the body’s way of telling you to get frisky during your fertile time, even if you’re not actively trying to become pregnant). Or, you may not feel like being sexually active during other times of the month, like when you’re on your period (though if you’re into period sex, it can be enjoyable too).

You can also experience changes in your hormones or neurotransmitter levels from certain medications you’re taking (antidepressants, for example, could lower your drive or alter your ability to orgasm), which, in turn, can mess with your sex urge. The same can happen if you have an underlying hormonal condition like a thyroid disorder or polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).

Another player when it comes to sex drive that you might not necessarily expect is hormonal birth control. Most BC pills (or patches and rings) contain the hormones estrogen and progesterone, which are necessary for regulating your cycle. What the pill is doing is preventing ovulation. And as a result, the typical peaks and dips of those hormone levels don’t occur, so you’re not experiencing that surge of estrogen during ovulation, which is typically what makes women want to have sex during that fertile period.

Plus, the amount of testosterone you produce also naturally decreases significantly if you’re on the Pill, which also might make your drive slip a bit. For other women, though, feeling confident and secure in their method of birth control could make them feel more like having sex. It really depends on the person and their particular hormone levels.

Or, major life changes may impact your sex drive, like if you’ve had a death in the family, recently lost a job, or are going through a bout of depression. If your mental health or emotional circumstances could have something to do with it, you may just need to be gentle with yourself and work with a mental health pro to address the issue.

It’s also totally possible that you’re just in a self-esteem rut and aren’t feeling as sexual. The bottom line is, it’s important to be honest with your gyno and/or therapist about alllll of these factors so that they can consider all possible factors that could be affecting your libido.

Or, you may actually have hypoactive sexual desire disorder.

Beyond the typical contributing factors to low libido, you might be showing signs of a well-recognized medical condition called hypoactive sexual desire disorder, or HSDD. It presents as low sex drive, but to the maximum extent. HSDD is characterized by having a pretty much completely absent sexual drive and lack of fantasizing about sex in general.
Most patients who struggle with HSDD compare it to a light switch—they used to have regular sexual desire, but for no identifiable reason, they all of a sudden have *zero* sex drive, no matter the partner or the situation. In cases of HSDD, there’s also always distress associated with low libido, meaning an emotional component of being upset or distraught over the fact that you’re not thinking about sex.

It’s a little bit tricky to diagnose HSDD. Patients fill out a brief questionnaire about their low sex drive and how it’s affecting them emotionally, and doctors screen their responses to diagnose the disorder. If, when docs assess a patient’s answers, it seems the cause of low drive could be related to something like relationship or marital problems, or a different medical or medication issue, your MD will work on addressing and treating that with you first.
But if you do get a HSDD diagnosis, don’t panic. Believe it or not, HSDD is common among young women—one in 10 premenopausal women suffer from it—and it’s not something to be ashamed of at all.

To treat low sex drive, you have a few different options.

Treatment, as you can probably guess, depends on the underlying cause. But your doctor will likely recommend one (or more) of the following courses of action.
1. Consider seeing a sex therapist.2. Revisit books and movies that might help light your flame.
This practitioner will manage the emotional and psychological components of low sex drive and will also address how your drop in libido might be affecting your relationship, or your desire to form a new relationship.

When I work with people suffering from HSDD or low libido in general, I notice that some have a fear that this may cause their partner, if they have one, to stray or leave them. This is also something you can delve into further with a sex therapist, if your low libido is bringing up intrusive thoughts like this. In my practice, I often recommend reconnecting with your partner with a regular date night. Basically, it’s a “prescription” for intimacy.

To find a mental health practitioner with expertise in sexual health in your area, check out Aasect.org.

2. Revisit books and movies that might help light your flame.
You may simply need to do some solo homework to get back in your groove. This can include a variety of different tasks (that you’re comfortable with, of course). For some patients, watching porn or reading erotica does the trick for getting sexual thoughts back on the brain. You can incorporate this during solo time so that you can start fantasizing on your own, and then you can involve your partner in the scenario.

Another thing that helps sometimes is going out on a limb with sexual activity. That could mean a fun role play scenario for some people. For others, that could mean having sex in another room of the house besides the bedroom to keep things interesting.

3. Talk to your doc about medications and supplements that can boost your drive.

If you have HSDD, medication might be necessary to treat the condition. In 2015, a drug called Flibanserin was approved by the FDA to treat HSDD in pre-menopausal women. It’s a daily pill that may have some side effects, like dizziness, nausea, and fatigue, according to the drug’s website.

More recently, another drug called Vyleesi got approved. It is uniquely administered with an auto-injector (it’s like an Epipen) that you can take on demand to get you prepped for sex. Vyleesi works on melanocortin receptors, or energy regulators, in the brain. Studies showed increased desire and decreased distress in those taking Vyleesi. One common side effect is nausea. [Ed note: Dr. Dweck has worked as an HSDD educator with the parent company of Vyleesi.]

Other options include off-label use of testosterone supplementation via prescription or over-the-counter herbal supplements to enhance sex drive.

If months go by and you’re not able to get back to your normal level of sexual desire, that could be the right time to also alert your health-care provider that you’re not feeling like yourself.

But the main red flag is not how long your drive is low (for some people it’s weeks, months, or longer)—it’s the question of whether your low libido is distressing to you. That’s when you should bring it to your gyno’s attention.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Causes A Sexless Marriage?

And How To Fix A Relationship Without Sex

By Pam Denton

There’s more to intimacy than sex.

If you find yourself trapped in a sexless marriage and don’t know what to do to restore the passion and intimacy, then it’s time to reframe your idea of what the problem in your relationship is.

Many married couples have less sex as time goes on, but it doesn’t hurt the connection and intimate times with one another.

So how can you fix a relationship when there’s no sex and you’re worried that you and your spouse are drifting apart?

The truth is that your sexless marriage likely does not have anything to do with sex.

In fact, in many cases, your sexual shutdown has more to do with your relationship versus any true lack of physical compatibility or desire for sex!

So, it’s time to give yourself (and your partner) a break — allow yourself permission to overcome the lack of sex in your relationships and reclaim the rightful pleasure in your marriage. You deserve a marriage filled with hot, sweaty, sweet, soulful, passionate, and intimate moments.

All roads lead to sex. After all, we were created from sex. Not to mention it’s one of the most natural ways to connect, intimately, in partnership and marriage. Yet, for so many marriages sex becomes a thing of the past and an “issue.”

Sexless marriage is rampant within our culture. Couples fall in love, get married, and their once hot connection dwindles out and the “flame of desire” dies. There are a lot of deep and intimate reasons why this happens, but these three are the most prevalent:

Unresolved conflicts.

First and foremost, when conflict goes unresolved it forces a wedge in a marriage. This wedge shuts down the passion and desire for intimacy, touching, and lovemaking. In many cases, the relationship becomes superficial, cold, and even hardened. Years of dormant, unresolved, issues fester like poisonous venom, leaking out in sarcasm and hurtful words. Or, words are rarely spoken, making intimate dialogue non-existent.

Stress.

Second, you may begin to feel that you love the person you’re with and, in your mind, you want sex but stress and tension have gotten in the way so you have put up walls of resistance. Here, the marriage becomes a melting pot of stress, fighting, disagreements and shut down.

Hormone imbalances.

Lastly, there’s the body. Body issues get in the way of intimacy and block contact because you “just don’t feel like it anymore.” The feelings that once had you loving sex, have switched off due to your physiological imbalances and lack of desire to connect.

No matter what the cause, these issues are all very tough to deal with, and can ruin a marriage … if left unattended. The great thing is, you can resolve them and make way for sex to reappear (better than ever) in your marriage!

Here are 5 ways to fix a relationship that’s missing physical intimacy, without even having sex:

1. Let go of what a “great sex life” looks like

Let go of all of your preconceived notions of sex in marriage and realize that we’re all human, with issues to resolve.

Let go of the shame and guilt you feel towards your relationship.

By letting go of your inner critic and the pressure you’re putting on yourself to have sex, you will begin to free yourself (and mind), in order to get to the root of the problem.

2. Believe in your partner’s good intentions

Relax, find comfort that you and your partner are together for a real, honest reason. And no matter what your circumstances, you can rekindle the flame of love.

The stress and unresolved conflict between you two will resolve with open honest dialogue.

3. Dig up the dirt

Society teaches us not to dig up other people’s dirt. But in marriage, you have to get down and dirty with the truth, in order to build an honest connection of love.

Relationships challenge you to grow in intimacy and love. When you carry a lot of baggage in a marriage, there is some deep dirt to tend to and you can use this dirt to fertilize your sexual pleasure.

4. Trust your partner to try

Trust is why you got married in the first place, right? It wasn’t really just about sex, it was because of a special connection. You trusted this person and you felt connected in a special and fantastic way.

So trust that you are in the partnership for a good reason; trust that your partner was the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, through the good and the bad.

Your sexless marriage is just the symptom of the bad. The raw truth asks you to get undressed, emotionally, and reveal your inner conflicts, as a step toward healing them.

5. Ask for help

Find a therapist, coach, or support person. When you ask for help to overcome the issues, then marriage gets much easier. It may prove difficult to deal with these alone, when you have been sexless and fighting.

So, you can receive the honest help that you need, when you’re able to openly ask and tell your partner that you are hurting with objective guidance.

Sex should always be an amazing experience, one that builds a strong partnership. But, sex is at its best when you can connect to your partner, in an adept and loving way. These 5 steps will help you ignite a new passion that may, possibly, be even better than when you first met.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How sobriety changed my sex life

By Tracey Anne Duncan

“I can’t have sex with you,” I said. My date looked confused, and with good reason. We had done enough heavy petting that sex was definitely on the table. “It’s not you,” I added quickly. “You are unbelievably hot and I want to have sex with you. I’m trying to focus on my recovery.” She understood immediately. “I wondered about that,” she said, buttoning her blouse. She was also in recovery. “It’s okay,” she said. It felt good to say that I needed time, but it felt really hard to pass up on sex that I wanted to have. This was the first of my confusing adventures in sober sexuality.

Most people assume that sex after sobriety is probably boring at best, awkward and clunky at worst, but that it gets better with time. That’s what I assumed, too. But, in reality, it hasn’t been that straightforward. For me, sober sex has been a journey from celibacy to erotic epiphany to neurotic dry spell. And I am really, really, really hoping this isn’t how the story ends. “Death by dry spell” is not what I want on my tombstone.

Before I went into recovery for opioid addiction, I could have counted the number of times I had had sober sex on both hands. Also, before I got sober, I often used sex in unhealthy ways that had nothing to do with drugs. Sex was a way to escape both pain and routine. It was a way to feel okay about myself when self-acceptance seemed impossible. I don’t consider myself to be a sex addict, but I didn’t want to recreate any of those patterns in my new sober life, either.

And so I stayed celibate the first six months of my sobriety. This is a strategy that a lot of 12-step programs recommend to keep you from using sex and relationships as a way to escape from the discomfort of dealing with sober life. To be frank, those six months sucked. I developed a lot of fear that I had forgotten how to have sex or that sober sex would be boring and awkward.

But all of my assumptions about sober sex, and even my own awkwardness, turned out to be incorrect — at least at first. After my stint with celibacy, sex and dating felt like a magical revelation. Sober sex was amazing and nuanced. Because I had been doing a lot of deep personal work and had been practicing my ability to set healthy boundaries, I felt a lot more capable of communicating my desires and a lot more comfortable asking other folks to tell me theirs. Being sober — instead of making me awkward and boring — made me better able to tap into to all the feelings and sensations that make sex so much fun.

That lush revelatory feeling, unfortunately, was temporary. I’ve been sober 2.5 years and now it feels like sobriety is, actually, giving me sex anxiety. As of recently, all the self-awareness that felt amazing at first is starting to feel like crippling self-consciousness.

I guess I should have assumed that my sexuality would continue to evolve in tandem with my sobriety, but this is not the linear progress narrative that I expected. Now, it’s like I am working so hard to stay mindful that I’ve become borderline prudish, and I no longer have chemical courage to keep my ego bolstered.
In every sexual exchange, no matter how subtle, I am consumed with anxious thoughts. Do I look hot right now? How am I doing? Am I communicating enough? Too much? Should I move my hand? Why can’t I relax and enjoy this? WTF is wrong with me? This distressing ovethinking, no matter how shitty it feels, isn’t personal. Obsessive rumination, according to neuroscience, can be part of the process of recovery.

I am not the only one who’s experienced this flip-flop from sober sex epiphany to sober sex anxiety. “In my first few years sober, I could have sex with just about anyone,” Christopher Gerhart, an Alabama-based substance abuse counselor tells me. Yep, sounds familiar. Or rather, I don’t actually remember any of those people’s names and it’s not because I was drunk. There were just too many of them (hi mom, sorry about this). It was joyful and consensual play. “But the longer I remained sober, the more I had to pay attention to my inner voice,” Gerhart continues. Yes. That’s the voice constantly interrogating my make outs.

I ask Gerhart, only a little desperately, if his anxiety ever went away. “As I grow in sobriety that internal dialog becomes a more functional part of my mind. It allows me to feel empathy, compassion, grief, and connection both with others and myself,” Gerhart explains. His words give me comfort and his explanation is consistent with my experience. This anxious internal dialogue is then, perhaps, just part of the process of me learning to think clearly when I’m exchanging fluids with another human instead of running blind on adrenaline and booze.

Other people are real to me now in new ways and I expect intimacy to reflect this. Now when I connect with someone, I feel very very aware that I am a complex human and that they are another complex human. When you put my newfound sex anxiety in the context of becoming more complex and empathetic, maybe this new way that I’m thinking isn’t bad, but instead is evidence that I’m learning to connect more authentically.

“Sex involves vulnerability,” Asher Gottesman, mental health counselor and founder of Transcend Recovery Community, a sober living outpatient program operating in Los Angeles and Manhattan, who works with sex addicts. “But it’s never about the sex itself. It’s always about the internal messages that we have whenever we are in a vulnerable state.” He explains that inebriated people don’t hear those internal messages. So it’s not that my anxieties are necessarily new, it’s just that I am only now noticing them now that I am fully experiencing the world and other people as this new, and evolving, sober person.

All of this is a reassuring reminder that I am becoming the actually sensitive and caring person that I always wanted to be, which is great, but, um, I still want to get laid. So, what do I do about this very unsexy headspace I’ve found myself in?

“Be patient with yourself,” says Gottesman. That’s all? Just be patient? I’m thirsty for an action step (amongst other things). Gottesman suggests that I should probably talk these things out. “I wouldn’t necessarily speak out all your fears to a partner,” he continues. “Find someone else to talk to, whether it’s a trusted friend or a therapist. When you share your fears, you will often find you aren’t alone.” So it’s not that I necessarily need an extra therapy appointment, it’s just that sharing my experience with a comrade may help me feel better about it. “Friends also may be able to give you tips on how they have sex sober,” he adds. Fingers crossed that they also have intel on someone crush-worthy and a little patient.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Best BDSM Sex Positions, From Easy to Advanced

All you need is a scarf to get started.

By Gabrielle Kassel

In the middle of a sex session, your partner starts spanking your butt. Or they capture your wrists in one hand and hold them overhead. Or you tie a scarf across their eyes and order them to lie still and await your next move. So long as you both consent, these are all forms of a type of sex play called BDSM—or bondage, dominance/discipline, sadism, and masochism.

Thanks to the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise, people have a very skewed vision of what BDSM is, sex and relationship educator Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast, tells Health. Rather than a kinky and shadowy sex practice, BDSM is more about mutual pleasure-focused power and/or pain exchange. It puts one person in the dominant role and the other person becomes submissive; having total control can be arousing, and having no control can be as well.

“BDSM encompasses a wide range of sexual activities, but all activities are underscored by the consent of all parties involved and can part of a healthy and pleasurable sex life,” says Dr. Jess.

The best thing about giving BDSM a try (or exploring what you already know) is that you don’t need to learn a whole new set of sexual skills. “Almost any old sex position can kinked up with a prop like scarf, ice cub, a blindfold, or verbal exchange of power,” says Dr. Jess. Establish a safe word with your partner, set boundaries and limitations, and give these BDSM positions a go.

Tied to the bed missionary 

This modest missionary upgrade is the easiest way for beginners to get a taste of BDSM. Grab a scarf, then lie on your back with your arms stretched overhead. “If you have a headboard with slats or a four-poster bed, your partner can secure your hands to the bed with the scarf,” Gigi Engle, certified sex coach and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life, tells Health. Otherwise, they can use it to tie your hands together, she says.

Make sure two or more fingers can fit between your wrists and the fabric (so the scarf isn’t so tight it starts to hurt), then have your partner get on top of you, using only your body and voice to guide them. If it feels good to not have total control, keep going and enjoy the pleasure. If the idea of being tied up during sex freaks you out but you still want to sample that lack of control, keep your untied hands behind you and resist the urge to use them or even sit on them, suggests Engle.

Rough rider

This woman-on-top position kicks things up a notch in the pain department. “Fingernails, teeth, and toenails are a non-threatening way to introduce some pain and sensation play into the bedroom,” says Dr. Jess. Hop on top of your partner face to face, then get into a sexual rhythm that feels good.

As you ride, encourage your partner to run their nails up and down your inner thighs or across your breasts…or lean into them so they can nip your outer ear, nick, or nipples. Have them start off with just a slight pressure, then increase things to the point where you feel a little pain mixed in with the pleasure of getting closer to orgasm.

“Teeth and nails are great because your partner can vary the level of intensity—from barely there to deep enough to leave possessive marks on their body,” says Dr. Jess. (But if things start to hurt and you don’t like it, use your safe word to stop them.)

Oral without orgasm

This oral sex position involves you partner going down on you and working you up to the precipice of a big O…then dialing things down so you don’t actually climax. Also known as edging, it’s a BDSM sex move requiring no sex toys or accessories and is all about teasing your partner to the brink of orgasm but denying that release, Kait Scalisi, MPH, certified sex educator and founder of Passion by Kait, tells Health.

How to start: Lie on your back or belly, if you prefer getting oral from behind, and have them go down on you. Let them know you want them to bring you to the edge but not actually climax, and enjoy submitting to their control of your pleasure. (At some point you’ll need that release, but try to hold out as long as you can.)

Blind doggy

Blindfolds are the perfect BDSM prop. “The simple sensory deprivation creates a cauldron of erotic anticipation and will keep you guessing as to where your lover will plant your next kiss, lick, or spanking, says Dr. Jess, putting them in control. If you’re not ready to invest in an actual blindfold, a tie, stockings, or bandana are all good substitutes.

While blindfold sex can be hot in any position, Engle recommends trying it via doggy style. Climb onto the bed, then get into position on all fours. “Your partner will be able to tease and touch you from any direction, but you won’t be able to see them coming, which adds an anticipation and a stranger-danger element to the play…which can be very exciting,” she says.

Sensation-al spooning

“Sensation play” is about using different textures, temperatures, aromas, sounds, sights, flavors, and moisture levels to “arouse the brain and body in new ways,” says Dr. Jess. The props and toys you can use vary a lot but include “anything from fur, feathers, silk, satin, and cotton balls to leather, hot wax, water, and ice cubes,” says O’Reilly. The goal is to either dominate your partner sexually by driving them wild with these new sensations…or submitting to your partner’s control and the pleasure these new sensations bring to you.

After discussing props you’re both okay with and taking them into the bedroom, lie on your side in the spoon position—so you won’t see your partner but they have access to your front and back, depending on where they plan on teasing you. Await the sensations that are about to come, and enjoy. Whether it’s an ice cube running across your nipples or feathers teasing your vulva, you’ll start to feel shivery and excited. Then, turn the tables and surprise your partner with a whole different kind of sensation, and relish being dominant and in charge of their pleasure.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Sexual Past

Even if you’re an empowered woman, you might still be worried about this conversation. And that’s totally OK.

By Gigi Engle

Talking about your sexual history isn’t always a walk in the park. Frankly, it can be scary AF.

Maybe your so-called “number” is a bit “high,” maybe you’ve had a few threesomes, been with someone of the same sex, or are into BDSM. Or, maybe you’re worried about a lack of sexual experience, a past STI diagnosis, pregnancy scares, or an abortion you had a few years ago. Your sexual history is ultra-personal and often comes layered in emotions. Regardless of your experience, it’s a touchy subject. When you get down to the bones of it, you want to feel empowered, own your sexuality, and be a grown-ass woman who isn’t ashamed of any of her decisions…but you also want the person you’re with to respect and understand you. You know that the right person won’t judge you or be cruel, but it doesn’t make the fact that they might any less scary.

The thing is, you’ll probably need to have this conversation eventually—and it doesn’t have to turn out badly. Here’s how to talk to your partner about your sexual past in a way that is positive and beneficial for both of you (and your relationship). Hopefully, you’ll come out the other end closer as a result.

Why Is It So Hard to Talk About Sex?

Let’s talk a little bit about why it’s so scary to talk about sex in the first place; because knowing the “why” can help with the “how.” (Just like with fitness goals!)

“Sexual history is hard to talk about because most people were taught by their families, culture, and religion not to talk about it,” says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist.

If you can choose to reject those lessons of shame and impropriety, you’ll start to feel empowered and be able to step into yourself as a sexually liberated person. Of course, doing that isn’t a cakewalk; it takes a ton of internal growth and self-love. If you don’t feel like you’re there, the first thing to do is find a good therapist or a certified sex coach who can help guide you on this journey. Know that it’ll take commitment and work; with so much societal shame around sex, you’ll probably need a little outside assistance to help you get to where you want to go.

“When you start to understand that your sexual health is as important as your physical and mental health, you’ll hopefully feel empowered to speak up about what you want and need,” says Richmond. (See: How to Talk to Your Partner About Wanting More Sex)

From there, you’ll likely need to learn an entirely new set of communication skills in order to discuss sex because most people have never been accurately taught how to have these highly intimate conversations. “It’s very common to feel nervous about a subject that you aren’t used to expressing—especially verbally and to someone you’re starting to develop feelings for,” says Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist.

That’s why, even if you’ve embraced yourself as the sexual, fabulous goddess you are, talking about sex can still be scary. Being nervous about sex and being sexually empowered are not independent of one another; they can coexist inside the extremely complex human psyche, and that’s perfectly OK.

How to Have Conversations of Such a Sensitive Nature

Before you delve into talking about your sexual past, ask yourself what you’re trying to get out of this conversation: Is this something you need to disclose in order to attain emotional intimacy or in order to be yourself in this new relationship? “If you know why you’re starting the conversation, it’s easier to pick the right time to bring it up,” says D’Angelo.

Option 1: The whole conversation doesn’t need to happen right away, explains Moushumi Ghose, M.F.T., licensed sex therapist. “Drop a seed and see how the response goes,” she says. “Continue dropping seeds on a consistent basis to make sure you are keeping the conversation going—this allows room for [them] to ask questions.” Once someone begins asking questions, you can ease them into your sexual past without unleashing a tidal wave of information out of nowhere. For example, you could mention that a few years ago you and an ex-partner had a threesome; if they ask questions about the encounter, you might share more details and how you felt about that experience.

Option 2: Another way to approach the topic is by having a dedicated, sit-down conversation. Depending on what you want to share and your comfort level, you can decide if that feels right to you. If so, you’ll want to be in a safe space where the two of you can be vulnerable with each other (ex: at home, rather than in a crowded area where other people can listen in) and you may also want to give your partner a heads up so they can mentally prepare as well. “Let your partner know that you’d like to set some time aside to talk about your sexual histories,” suggests D’Angelo. “Share why you feel this would be an important conversation to have and let them prepare by giving them some things to think about before your scheduled time to talk.”

Relationship styles are different and the way you choose to have these conversations is subjective to your specific relationship. Regardless, get clear on what you’d feel OK revealing and go into the conversation with your head held high. (Related: This One Conversation Radically Changed My Sex Life for the Better)

“Also, make sure you’re also bringing your curiosity to your partner’s sexual history as well,” says D’Angelo. “Yes, you want them to understand you better but being curious about their sexual history will give them space to open up to you, too. That’s when deep intimacy starts to develop.”

At What Point In the Relationship Should You Bring It Up?

There’s widespread concern for not wanting to reveal “too much, too soon” in a relationship, and sexual history is just one of the things that fall under that umbrella.

However, before you ever have sex, it’s crucial that you discuss your sexual boundaries, STI testing, and safer-sex practices. Getting comfortable with this conversation first will set you up for having deeper, more in-depth conversations about your sexual past later. Plus, anyone who won’t disclose their STI information, use condoms, or gets cagey about your boundaries isn’t someone you want to have sex with—those should be non-negotiable and establish a level of mutual respect.

Talk about your sexual past when the conversation comes up naturally in the progression of the relationship—because it almost always comes up. At that point, you can “drop a seed” and ease into the topic, or you can decide to sit down and talk at a later time.

At the end of the day, being OK with your sexual history yourself is the most important thing of all, says Richmond. “Sure, there may be several experiences that you would love a do-over for, but making those mistakes is part of the human experience, and at the end of the day, quite irreplaceable in developing your sense of self.”

If you feel deeply shameful about anything in your past, consider talking to a therapist who can help you work through it; you may benefit from staying out of a sexual relationship until you’ve done some internal healing.

How to Talk It In a Way That Strengthens Your Bond

Of course, there’s the fear that sharing your sexual history might make you or your partner feel bad about a comparatively wild or not-so-wild past. This is a valid concern, and dismissing it doesn’t make it go away.

It’s common to feel inadequate, no matter what your experience level is—that’s the whole thing, everyone feels inadequate to their partner’s past lovers, even if only a tiny bit. “Why? Because every partner is different and has different tastes,” says Ghose. It’s easy to fall into the comparison trap and pit yourself up against “The Ex They Had a Threesome With” or “The Ex They Dated for 10 Years,” because humans are prone to self-sabotage. An ex can become this larger-than-life “sex god,” and it’s easy to fear you won’t live up to this (fictional) person. (Related: Is Being Friends with Your Ex Ever a Good Idea?)

The important thing is to remember that feelings of inadequacy go both ways. Open, honest communication can help. “Let your partner know you’ve healed or what you’ve learned about yourself over the years, and that they shouldn’t feel overwhelmed or inadequate,” says Richmond. “If you’re solid in your sexual self, but [are] always up to learn and experience more, then hopefully they’ll be up for that journey with you instead of getting in their head about what they think they can or can’t offer.”

Don’t make the conversation a “big reveal,” but rather about both of you and your different histories. D’Angelo suggests asking:

  • What have your past sexual experiences taught you about your sexuality?
  • Why is sex important to you?
  • What sexual challenges have you faced in your past?
  • How have your past sexual experiences shaped who you are today?

“By sharing these questions with them you’ll be giving them an opportunity to know what exactly you’re hoping to explore during this conversation,” she says. (You can also explore these questions by starting a sex journal to help reflect on your thoughts and feelings.)

If It Starts to Go South…

If you’re worried about your partner’s reaction or your own emotions, know that’s it’s helpful to preface that the conversation with an emphasis on empathy and being ~in it together~. When you come at it from a place of sharing, it can make the whole situation a bit more palatable and encourage you to grow closer verses come at the situation from opposing sides.

If something does go poorly or one person becomes judgmental or hurtful, the best thing to do is to say, “This is hurting me. What you’re saying is causing me distress. Can we put a pin in this?” Take a day to process, reflect, and consider what they said to you. Remember that these topics aren’t easy to talk about and these conversations can be emotionally overwhelming; there’s no need for either of you to feel guilty if you can’t just breeze past sensitive information. If you need to pause and pick it back up again, remember (and remind your partner) to be gentle with each other.

Note: You Don’t Have to Share Everything

This may sound a bit odd, but it’s not your responsibility to reveal everything about your past. Your STI status is one thing, as it pertains to your partner’s sexual safety, but that time you had an orgy isn’t necessarily something you need to reveal.

“There’s a difference between privacy and secrecy. Everyone is entitled to privacy, and if there are aspects of your sexual past that you want to keep private, that’s fine,” says Richmond. (Related: 5 Things You May Not Want to Tell Your Partner)

This isn’t about keeping secrets or holding onto shame. It’s about choosing to share the information you want to share. It’s your life and if you don’t want your partner to know about the sex club you went to in your early twenties, that’s your business. Maybe you’ll decide to share more details later down the road. Maybe you won’t. Either way is fine.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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50 Shades of Confusing:

When Older Adults Date

When seniors find love, their kids don’t always respond well.

By Anthony Cirillo

The divorce rate for people age 50 and up has doubled since the 1990s, in a time when divorce rates overall have fallen 18%. It appears that younger generations are contributing to that decline, marrying later when their career and finances warrant the commitment and being more selective in whom they marry. Of course, many millennials cohabit without the legalities of marriage, so the jury is out in terms of the stability of their overall relationships.

That said, boomers have given their kids one more thing to be infuriated about when mom and dad decide to divorce, start dating and – the horrors! – even have sex in their 50s and 60s. Living longer has caused many of these boomers to re-evaluate their lives. They’ve raised their kids, and now it’s their turn to have some fun … and “their” doesn’t necessarily include their partner. Plus, let’s face it: Women outlive men, so there are a lot of older women alone – and senior isolation is a real and dangerous thing.

Is Senior Dating Different Than Dating When You Were Younger?

The first two lines of the song “The Second Time Around” by Sammy Cahn and Jimmy Van Heusen state: “Love is lovelier the second time around, Just as wonderful with both feet on the ground.”

Perhaps the “both feet on the ground” is the key piece here. You’re older and supposedly wiser. Where you meet could change. I admit I met my wife at a nightclub. Caveat – I was in the band, and a friend brought her to see us play. Still, seniors returning to the dating scene probably won’t be hitting the nightclub. A different kind of club might be in order.

Joining groups where your interest matches others is a good place to start. These include: dance classes, art cafes, group theater excursions, senior gyms, special interest and hobby groups, senior trips and excursions. The point of any of these is to meet in a safe, public place. And perhaps it’s a sign of the times for anyone, but let others know where you’re going to be. (We’ll get to the kids in a second!) As for the first kiss and who picks up the check? Opinions differ. Follow your intuition.

So, What About Sex?

Well first, it’s a health issue. The earliest boomers came from the “free love” generation, the 60s. At a stage in life when many would expect sexually transmitted diseases to be waning, STD rates for those 55 and older have increased by 43%. Over the past several years, some 2.2 million Medicare recipients received free tests for sexually transmitted diseases, about the same as the number who received colonoscopies.

Many older adults didn’t get the safe-sex messages that younger generations received, so their condom use is lower. More seniors are living in retirement communities where there’s more socializing. As you age and your immune system weakens, fighting these diseases becomes harder. Add to that the availability and marketing of sex-enhancing drugs, and – well, you can see the issue.

Sex in the Nursing Home

Make no mistake, people are having sex in senior living. A survey of 250 residents in 15 Texas nursing homes found that 8% had sexual intercourse in the preceding month. And according to a study in Clinical Geriatrics, of 63 physically dependent nursing home residents, 90% said they had sexual thoughts, fantasies and dreams.

There are all kinds of implications with this, of course. Then add granny cams to the mix, and you can really complicate things. If someone is in a home, you have to pointedly ask how they handle relationships and sex.

Many nursing-home workers simply don’t look at the elderly as mature adults, but as children who must be policed out of fear of legal or medical repercussion. Most facilities do not train their staff to see residents as sexual beings.

Providers walk a fine line balancing person-centered care with risk management. Yet risk can be minimized with sensitivity and empathy toward resident needs. The Hebrew Home for the Aged in Riverdale, New York, is a national model, so I encourage you to see how they handle these issues.

But consider this true story: A son walked in on his 95-year-old father in bed with his 82-year-old girlfriend in an assisted living facility. Both had dementia. He went ballistic and removed his father from the home. After that, the woman stopped eating. She lost 21 pounds, was treated for depression and was hospitalized for dehydration. Clearly, for them, the relationship was real.

OK Boomer, What Will the Kids Think?

The knee-jerk response from me, a boomer, would be “get over it.” But it’s not that simple.

Understand where adult children are coming from first. The thought of mom or dad in a new relationship can be frightening – and maybe hurtful. Subliminally, kids might want to sabotage the relationship. And even when the children acknowledge their mom or dad’s right to date, they draw a mental line at marriage, which, in their mind, eliminates one parent from the equation entirely.

So as with most things, ease into a conversation. It’s natural to be curious about a parent’s partner. So ask. Maybe mom or dad has a history of being abused or taken advantage of, and the children want to protect them from heartache. In that case, intrusion is necessary.

Older adults are much more forthcoming than you might think. Keep in mind that the love of children and grandchildren can’t satisfy a person’s needs for love, romance and companionship.

A national poll reveals more than 3 out of 4 (79%) of adult children say telling their parents they’re taking away their car keys because they’re no longer fit to drive is the most uncomfortable conversation they could have. Talking to their parents about sex actually ranked third.

In a New York Times piece, Jake Maynard put things in perspective. At first appalled that his grandmother was marrying her former brother-in-law, he wrote, he eventually came to this realization: “I saw my grandmother and Bill not as old people seeking each other’s comfort or as old people at all, really. I saw them as newlyweds, love-struck and hopeful. I thought about how they both had lost love twice before and how they entered into this new love, at 80, knowing they would lose it again. And all at once, they seemed brave.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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On How To Create Your Sexual Potential

7 Lessons From A Sex Therapist

By Nan Wise, Ph.D, MSW, M.A., LCSW, CST

According to Canadian sexologist Peggy Kleinplatz, Ph.D., the vast majority of problems that bring people into sex therapy stem from what she calls the “North American sex script” that centers on having heterosexual intercourse with orgasms in all the right places, meaning, women should be experiencing orgasms reliably through sexual intercourse, which is actually not the case.

Even with additional clitoral stimulation, less than half of women (43%) report experiencing orgasm through intercourse 75% of the time. In other words, our cultural view of sexuality is narrow, limiting, and performance-oriented, favoring what does not appear to come naturally.

Inspired by Kleinplatz, I have gleaned seven lessons from my own research and work with clients. These lessons, or take-aways, offer an invitation to understand and explore yourself and your lover in a whole new dimension of sexual pleasure:

1. Do not judge your erotic self or the erotic experience.

Practice radical self-acceptance. Learn to love your body, exactly as it is. This is one of the biggest lessons, mentioned by nearly all of my participants. They also become curious about their own sexuality and went about exploring what turned them on. Learn to embrace your unique erotic fingerprint—whatever it is.

Let yourself be exactly as you are in the moment. And let the moment be exactly as it is. Sex is our willingness to be sexual beings, however that shows up. Remember first and foremost that good sex is about being present.

2. Tune in.

Shift your focus inward to listen closely to what you want and what your body yearns for. What are your fantasies? How do you like to be touched? Why not explore all areas of your body that can give you pleasure? Become keenly aware of what pleases you across the senses beyond touch—don’t forget about sounds and tastes. Are you interested in perhaps being more active when you tend to be receptive? More receptive when you’re usually more active? Making subtle shifts in your habitual roles may reveal new ways that you can be turned on.

Paying attention to sensations is key for pleasurable sex. If your mind wanders and starts to get into “spectatoring” mode—becoming goal-directed or self-conscious—simply notice that without judgment, letting those thoughts be exactly as they are while you bring your attention back to the senses. 

3. Be patient—about getting turned on.

When you want to have intercourse, for example, don’t begin until you and/or your partner are sufficiently aroused. Allow the sex to unfold without rushing into it. Although this advice may seem simplistic, it’s hugely important to experiencing the pleasure of sex. Slow down and savor the sensations. Let them build. Enjoy the journey without concern about the destination.

4. Stay connected to your partner.

You have a number of tools to use with your partner—to manage defenses, be an attentive and active listener, and be open to differences in erotic fingerprints or desire. Respect these differences and you will feel more connected. Often the best way to connect is actually going beyond words.

Look into your partner’s eyes and breathe with your partner while sitting silently. See the person in front of you, the being you fell in love with. Spoon your partner and hold them and synchronize your breath to synchronize your nervous systems. This actually works. We are like tuning forks and go into “cardiac” entrainment with lovers (and even our pets) when we settle into the connection. Good sex is connected sex.

5. Take risks.

We often feel hesitant to speak up with partners about parts of ourselves that we think they will judge or worry that if we tell them how we truly feel, we will hurt them. We tend to play it safe when in doubt. But another way to look at this is that there is a risk to not taking risks. If we don’t explore some of the scarier places with our partners, if we don’t explore the corners of our erotic selves, we tend to shut down and stagnate. And stagnation, itself, is dangerous to relationships.

Sexual potential unfolds when we bring all of ourselves into the mix. We are always, always shifting and changing and growing. Taking the risk to reveal how these changes affect us, our thoughts, our fears, our feelings, even our fantasies tends to revitalize the partnership.

6. Prioritize pleasure.

Allow sex to play a larger role in your life. Your work with your seven core emotions has paved the way for more keen awareness and insight into how and why pleasure is so important to your life, so allow sex to play a larger role. Make time for sex, expand your notion of what sex is, nurture it, and explore it. It’s a journey without an end.

7. Tolerate emotions and embrace the transformative nature of sex.

Because of the blend of emotional and physical drivers of sex, any type of sexual experience or activity has the capacity to stir up all kinds of emotions. One of the most important lessons for good sex and also good relationships, in general, is to learn how to more fully tolerate our feelings, other people’s feelings, and our feelings about other people’s feelings. And sometimes the most challenging feelings to tolerate, believe it or not, are intense feelings of pleasure—which for some can feel scarily out of control.

When we can learn to simply allow the feelings to be as they are, stay present to ourselves and to each other, the experiences we can have with and through sex can be truly healing and can revitalize our mind, body, and spirit. It is a tangible form of connection to others, a source of immune-boosting energy, and a vast reservoir for pleasure.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I Spent Five Years Talking to Women Across the U.S. About Pleasure and Desire.

Here’s What I Learned About Inequality in the Bedroom

By Katherine Rowland

In the fall of 2014, I stood in a crowded auditorium as a parade of women described to regulators at the U.S. Food and Drug Administration how their libidos had been whittled down to a fraction of their former power. For some it was a gradual decline. For others it was instantaneous, “like a switch that went off.” One woman lamented, “I don’t even think about sex.” Others spoke of how intimacy had become more a duty than a source of delight. “I am able to grit through it,” one woman said. Another: “I might not even want to have sex—but if he wants sex and I give it to him then, yes, I was a good wife today.”

The women were there to weigh in on whether female sexual dysfunction represents an unmet medical need. Their testimony, taken collectively, described the personal fallout of low desire which, along with related sexual concerns like difficulty reaching orgasm, experts estimate affect a quarter to a half of American women. Such complaints are commonly chalked up to female biology. However, as a journalist who spent five years talking with 120 women across the United States about their pleasure and desire, I rarely heard anyone say the main culprit was hormones, neurochemical balance or the biased stamp of evolution. Instead, the women I interviewed described how the greater culture had derailed their desire. Heterosexual women in particular shared that their partners routinely dismissed their pleasure or that they had themselves absorbed the idea that it was a lesser priority. What emerged was that a lack of sexual entitlement—much like the pay gap, the glass ceiling and the countless other ways women are systematically held back—diminished what they received and what they felt they could rightly claim in their lives.

These dynamics pervade women’s intimate relationships, contributing to well-documented struggles like orgasm disparities, chore-like sex, unenthusiastic consent and ubiquitous pretending. Moreover, they inform how women physically feel. The sole purpose of the clitoris, so far as science can surmise, is to confer pleasure on its owner. And yet, possession of this uniquely dedicated organ is no guarantor of delight, or even sensation. Numerous women told me they felt numb and disconnected—a lack of sensation that is especially poignant in an era when the control of their bodies so often comes into question. As one woman put it, “My genitals feel dead.”

Among the women I interviewed, direct experience or close knowledge of sexual trauma was a persistent undercurrent, and some women attributed their dimmed sensation to prior episodes of harm or to feeling objectified, inappropriately sexualized and socially unsafe. Numerous women also relayed that they were too caught up in their heads to register what was happening in their bodies. Distracted in the extreme, they were surveilling their performance, critiquing their physique, hastening an encounter to an abrupt conclusion or fixedly tending to their partners’ pleasure at the expense of their own. In those encounters, an intimate touch was no more arousing than a tap on the elbow.

Contemporary researchers use the term sexual concordance to describe the extent to which mind and body, or subjective report and genitals, are in sync. Studies using graphic sexual images have shown that men react bodily and report that they are most aroused by stimuli that conforms to their sexual orientation. Queer women also display a specific response, reacting most positively to images of other women. But heterosexual women are all over the place. Physiologically, they react to couples, men, women, even scenes of copulating bonobo apes. But when asked whether they find these images arousing, they state that they’re unmoved.

Meredith Chivers of Queen’s University in Ontario, a leading expert in this field, told me, “We continually underestimate women’s sexuality.” Yet she cautioned against concluding that women’s genital reactions are a truer marker of sexual interest than their verbal accounts. A pressing question for her is why heterosexual women display seemingly indiscriminate patterns of arousal and yet do not consciously detect that they’re being turned on. One possible explanation, she says, is that reward patterns our behavior: we desire certain things because we associate them with pleasure. For lesbian women, sexual intercourse is more consistently associated with orgasm and gratification, and so images of other women will activate a clear positive response. But for many heterosexual women, the status quo has left them underwhelmed, and there is no reinforcement of pleasure one way or another. Penetrative sex results in orgasm for only a minority of women, and for some, who equate it with, say, pain, guilt or obligation, it may spark outright aversion.

Chivers is not the first to note the tension between women’s capacity for sensuality and their actual enjoyment. A half-century ago, pioneering researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson documented women’s sexual athleticism, stating that the range and depth of their pleasure “infinitely surpasses that of man.” However, they also found that women internalized “prevailing psychosocial influences,” like the sexual double standard or the equation of desire with impurity, that might interfere with their sexual response. Anthropologists have similarly observed that in cultures that expect women to enjoy sex as much as men do, women have regular orgasms, whereas cultures that question the propriety of female pleasure are home to greater sexual difficulties. If the climate doesn’t cloak female pleasure in shame or mystery, or cast it as second rate, it may lie within easier reach.

Fortunately, these findings suggest that erotic potential is not etched in stone and women can become proficient in experiencing progressive states of pleasure. Among the women I spoke to, great sex was not a matter of mastering a particular technique or communicative style. In fact, it was not about what women did so much as how they did it, and for many that required unlearning what they thought sex and love were supposed to look like. Desire lay on the other side of giving up their freighted assumptions.

For one married lawyer, who for decades assumed she was “frigid,” kindling eroticism was a process of claiming the freedom to do as she pleased in her intimate life, which eventually meant having consensual relationships with men other than her husband. “It didn’t happen overnight. It was a bit of a roller coaster,” she said of prising open her monogamous partnership. “It takes time to feel you have the space to do whatever you want, to create whatever relationship structure you want, to have whatever kind of sex you want. And then, oh my God, it’s like the bottom drops out.” For another woman in her late 20s, experiencing desire meant drawing new boundaries. Raised to believe that she should make herself available and pleasing, she came to equate intimacy with allowing her body to be relentlessly accessed. After working with a sex coach, she gradually felt empowered to say, “I don’t want to be touched anywhere,” and to stop viewing sex as a grudging performance for her partner’s benefit. Through learning to say no, she was able to eventually start saying yes.

For the women I interviewed, low desire rarely stemmed from a medical malady or a psychological condition. Rather, it was often a healthy response to quietly unwanted or lusterless sex. My conversations revealed that persistent sexual dissatisfaction is a sign that many women do not feel free to enjoy their sexuality, or know how to do so, and so engage in activities that are not necessarily inclusive of their pleasure. If women struggle in overwhelming numbers to inhabit their own bodies, it is a measure of feeling, or being made to feel, undeserving or less than. As dire as this sounds, it is also cause for hope. It’s far harder to rewire biology than it is to alter belief. While their paths to sexual healing varied, the women I spoke to made plain that satisfaction was rooted in their social power, in being entitled to explore and express their sexuality and in feeling equal to their partners. Pleasure and its value can be learned, and once learned, are not readily relinquished.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!